Monster-in-Law with Chelsea Devantez

Chelsea Devantez joined us for a story about a family with enough money to buy anything they want—except another one-of-a-kind heirloom hutch. Follow Chelsea on Instagram here https://www.instagram.com/chelseadevantez/ and check out Chelsea’s podcast Glamorous Trash here https://chelseadevantez.komi.io/?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQMMjU2MjgxMDQwNTU4AAGnJtRpDtexNm19mXIo1O5qoeGf6UabTPEzIon7iIE929tluSjeL5LTmWkQwsQ_aem_Afl4AaI7wbxuc61MVzViFA#b5b3e18b-fcdd-49d0-944f-0f14dd759c1d. Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets! https://defector.com/normal-gossip-podcast You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch https://defectorstore.com/collections/normal-gossip or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com https://defector.com/products/normalgossip. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page:https://normalgossip.komi.io/ Episode transcript here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aAtOZUEQ5Vc182vlcatsrTkMTwF7Fd2X3Go-8P5TlpI/edit?usp=sharing. Follow the show on Instagram@normalgossip https://www.instagram.com/normalgossip/, and if you have gossip, email us at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae https://www.instagram.com/heyydnae/?hl=en) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae https://www.instagram.com/seera_sharae/?hl=en) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira https://instagram.com/jaetowlevieira?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==). Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs https://www.instagram.com/alexlaughs/) is our Supervising Producer. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Normal Gossip is a proud member ofRadiotopia https://www.radiotopia.fm/. Support Radiotopia's fall fundraiser here http://radiotopia.fm/donate. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices https://dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

• 0:06Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we're gonna bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. I'm gonna remind you guys one more time that the Normal Gossip team has got a little break coming up. We will not be publishing during the weeks of Christmas and New Year, but have no fear, we'll be back in your feeds with fresh gossip within the first full week of 2026. So our last episode for this year is this one, the one we're listening to right now that premiered on December 17th. We will be back on January 7th. Now, I know we normally don't do this, have breaks in the middle of the season,

• 0:47Speaker 00

  and I've heard through the grapevine that y'all have all been very, very good this year. So I can't promise anything, but there may or may not be a little holiday gift for y'all here in the Normal Gossip feed on Christmas Eve, something I maybe wouldn't recommend listening to with your family unless you're really, really close. That's all I'll say for now. On to the gossip. Today's guest is Emmy nominated writer and comedian, Chelsea Devantez. Chelsea hosts the podcast Glamorous Trash, where she recaps and discusses celebrity memoirs. So she is a repository of both Hollywood knowledge and gossip. Chelsea, hello. Thank you so much for joining me.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  This is an honor, an honor and a privilege. Thank you for having me.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  This is actually our second time talking about gossip. Way back in November of 2023, we had you on Icy YMI to talk about the year in celebrity memoirs, which is your area of expertise. And I remember you saying something along the lines of the genre of celebrity memoir is sort of inextricably bound up with gossip. So I wanted to ask, what came first for you? Was it the interest in celebrities or an interest in gossip? Or is it sort of like a chicken and egg situation?

• 2:06Speaker 01

  It was an interest in the arts and a career. And me opening each book to be like, how did you get here? Tell me everything. And then I think it became, even though, yeah, they absolutely are tied with gossip. I think there's a light side and a dark side to celebrity gossip. And in the memoirs, the beautiful thing that can come out of it is this sort of anthropological study of like, what is going on in culture, these like giant cultural ideas that suddenly feel so understandable when taken through the lens of Britney Spears doing spins on Instagram. And you're like, I think I know where we're at with women. And that is something that is such a gift from celebrities.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  You know, it's like the adult fairy tale characters, they're real living human beings, especially the women. Just giving us so much meaning. And that's where I think that's the light side of gossip. And then the dark side of gossip, it's Demi Moore being like, Ashen Culture doesn't believe sobriety is real.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, unfortunately, the kind of gross side is what keeps me tuning in.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Hmm. Oh, I love that. So you're, you're here for like the juice. You're here for like, who is settling scores, naming names, like who they have sex with. Yeah.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  Oh, 100%.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  I have a very weird take on memoirs, which is the one I bring to the podcast, which I asked three questions about the book to pass what I call the bookdole test. If you got that reference, you're a real one. But I do the bookdole test at the end of my podcast and it asks, was the author vulnerable when they were sharing their truth? Was it entertaining? And did it elevate your life in any way? Which is a very different way to look at, like another test, I feel like the more common test is like, did they talk shit? Did I learn gossip? And like, and did I get to hate on them? And I just see it a different way because these books have been helping me my whole life. Like Delta Burke's memoir truly saved my life when I was a teenager because as you remember, she was cast out of Hollywood for the crime of being a size 10.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  Lock me up, right? And being a woman trying on jeans and Abercrombie where an available size was double zero. Delta Burke really healed me in that moment.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, that makes me want to ask a sort of cerebral question, which is, do you feel like our modern idea of what a celebrity is can exist without the concept of gossip?

• 4:26Speaker 01

  I think absolutely yes now, because the walls of what gossip used to mean with celebrities and how we interacted with them has wholly been burned to the ground with social media. And we used to, you know, really think about celebrities through like what Hedda Gabler was like gossiping about in the 1940s. And that was our only perception and it was really inextricably tied with publicity and money and making sure the movie made money. Where now there's so much available and you can own, control and create your own narrative. That I guess if you consider the idea that they're spreading their own gossip.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Then yes, but I kind of don't think you can spread your own gossip. Like you can create your own lore, you can tell your own truth, but like me telling you like who I fucked, like is, that's not gossip. You've got to tell someone else who I fucked.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Yes, yes. I mean, just, I think definitionally gossip is about someone who's not in the room. So I feel like you can't spread gossip about yourself, though if it spreads beyond you, maybe it then circles back to being gossip.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. You know what? That reminds me of Matthew McConaughey, the McConnaissance. He started that in an interview.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Did he really?

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Yes. He was like, oh my God, people are calling it a McConnaissance. And they were like, are they now? And they were like, thank you for the headline. I think that's a successful, I've started my own gossip in the way I wanted it to go. He like wins an Oscar the next year.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  That is so funny that he started that himself. I'm going to start doing that. I'm going to be like, well, you know, they say Rachel has a fat ass and a small waist.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  The people have been saying.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  They're like, oh.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Oh, are they saying that? Who is they in this question?

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would be like, they say she has the number one podcast even over all the, the red pill men. Can you believe?

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Can you believe? They say she's beating out the Joe Brogan experience every day.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  And they're like, uh, like, sure, we won't check the data. No problem.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  And we won't, and we won't. A little birdie told me that you have some gossip for me.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  You know, it's gossip that also haunts a core part of my life. On one of the shows I worked on, an actress was very insecure about her comedic prowess. And the men in the show were like, loved improvising. She came up to me one day and was like, hey, can you write me some extra jokes in this scene? And I was like, absolutely. I would love to. So I wrote her a bunch of jokes on the side. And then she, you know, goes into the scene, she does them and they were like, whoa, that was awesome. And she was like, yeah, I can improvise too. And they're like, you just thought of that? And she's like, yeah, can you believe? And I'm in that, I'm in my headphones being like, oh.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  And like in any other setup, I would have loved this. I would have been like, we got them. You know what I mean? Like we got them, except she was so fucking mean to me. And so mean to every other woman on the show and would try and like steal their jokes that I felt so utterly robbed. And then every day it went on for a month. Every day she would be like, yep, just improvised again, boys. And I have kept that secret until now.

• 7:51Speaker 00

  Why try to impress men is my question.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  For what? For what? And even if you're like, oh, to have sex with them, you don't have to do that. You don't have to impress them to have sex with them.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  No, you just have to breathe.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  Just put, I don't know, just write it down. Sex? Question mark. You don't have to spell it right.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  No, they get it.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  They get it. They get it. And they'll partake if they want. They won't, they don't, no impressing is, is involved.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  That is so wild. Also that she assumed that these actors were also improvising their own jokes. Like, what if they were just doing the exact same thing that she was doing, which is stealing jokes from other people?

• 8:30Speaker 01

  And it's interesting because as writer and her as performer, I thought a lot about like, is she stealing? It is my job to write jokes. It was really only that she could have boosted me my career, been like, oh yeah, like Chelsea did that or whatever, because, you know, sexism was running through the show and it's always towards female comedians. People would rather round down on your talent than round up. So I thought a lot about like, is this kosher? And again, had she been kind in any way, even to other women, not me, I would have loved the coup. I would have been like, yeah, get them. And instead I was like, I've helped a monster look even better on television.

• 9:10Speaker 00

  Uh, that really does feel like the trials and travails of Hollywood is making people that you secretly know are not good, look good on television.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Wow. Yeah, absolutely. And I would say even like making people you know behind the scenes look good when you, like, once you finish a project, you can't turn around and be like, actually, that producer fucking blows.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  I wish you could though.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, I will say there's a few out there, like you know Jennifer Lawrence would tell you the truth.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  I know. When you said Jennifer Lawrence, I was like, well, yeah, of course she was. She's Jennifer Lawrence.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  But you gotta get the power first.

• 9:47Speaker 00

  Yes. That was incredible gossip. It does make me reconsider whether or not I want to make my pivot to Hollywood.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Once you get here, it is hell, but I'll be here to hold your hand. I'm not, but I'm not going to tell you you're not about to walk through hell every day of your life. That's, that's a lie I'm not going to tell.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  Thank you so much.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Come suffer with me.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Before we suffer together. Well, let's suffer together in a different way, because I have some gossip for you.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Okay, me.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  I'm gonna admit something embarrassing. I know, shocker. I have not had a bedside lamp for an undisclosed amount of months, long enough that I basically haven't read before bed for a really long time. And I only realized this because I'm hosting a friend and I was like, wow, they deserve to have a light by their bed at night. I don't. But this finally inspired me to find the perfect bedside lamp. And I had a vision in mind, Wayfair, they had exactly what I need, which is one of those library style lights with like the green lampshade and little pull cord. I have been having this image in my mind of having one. And now I have one because of course Wayfair had it.

• 11:00Speaker 00

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• 11:22Speaker 00

  We've been cooking up a fun, special holiday project for y'all over here at Normal Gossip. And usually when work gets crazy, I kind of just try to continue my life like nothing's happening. But recently, thanks to therapy, this time around, I was like, what if I did not try to pour from an empty cup? And that is what growing feels like. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, then I think you should check out today's sponsor, Growth Therapy. Growth Therapy is built for therapy that actually feels like care. You can find therapy based on what matters most to you, like insurance taken, mental health specialties, identity, or night and weekend availability if you're working a lot.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Book your first session in minutes and you can start in as little as two days. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on your insurance plan. Prepare for holiday glimmers instead of holiday stress. Visit growtherapy.com/gossip to get started today. That is growtherapy.com/gossip. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

• 12:34Speaker 02

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• 13:06Speaker 00

  Today's story is about mother-in-laws.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Amazing. God, I already know who's side him on, but I'll try and stay open.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  So I'm not married. I don't have any personal experience with mother-in-laws. I know that some can be lovely and some can be particular.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  And some can be both at the same time.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Tell me about your experience with mother-in-laws. What's your immediate reaction when you hear the word?

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Well, mother-in-law is a relationship you, as a writer, you grow up seeing these tropes that are truly scathing towards women. The moment, you know, their child gets married, they become a harpy, shrewy bitch. So you try and stay away from them or bring nuance to them or really try and understand it. Now I'm married and my mom has become his mother-in-law. And so I can see her in a different way. And his mom has become my mother-in-law. Here's an anecdote that will tell you our relationship with our moms. So my husband and I both come from single moms, mostly. My mom got married a lot, but single moms who raised three kids. His mom had three kids, different dads. My mom had three kids, different dads. We got married.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  We're the ones who, if your mom was like late on her cellphone bill, like we're the kids they call to be like, you're paying that, right? Like, we're the little type A star student kids that are like, we'll go get a job and help pay rent, Mom. So when we got married, I think it was extra devastating for our mothers. And somehow at our wedding venue, there was a low-hanging billboard. I don't know why. And it was right after COVID. So they were like, you can do whatever you want here. Please just have a wedding here. It was years after COVID, but it was like their first wedding. And so they're like, you can cover the billboard if you want. And we got our mothers a photo shoot and we put them up on a billboard outside of our wedding venue.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  That's so cute.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  So that they could survive letting their children find love and happiness without them.

• 15:05Speaker 00

  That is adorable. I will be asking for a photo of the billboard.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  Happy, isn't it? But I think that explains the dynamics of like, so lovely, so great. And also, oh, boy.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, you have captured the vibe perfectly. No one thinks about their mother-in-law when they fall in love. Our friend of a friend certainly had not. And our friend of a friend today is named Emeline. Emeline is a budget analyst for a small arts nonprofit. She's one of those girls who bullet journals.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  I love Emeline. She is my ingenue. Let's go.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Her handwriting is basically a font. Like, that is how much Emeline loves journaling. And in fact, it is Emeline's handwriting that catches the eyes of Tess. Emeline and Tess met in a lesbian birding club in Brooklyn. They had both spotted a Baltimore Oriole at the same time. And when Emeline went to record the sighting in her bullet journal, Tess had complimented her beautiful handwriting. And it was basically over from there. Like, one second, they're following migration patterns and going shopping for birding journals together. And then six months later, they're moving in together. This is pretty fast for Emeline, even as a lesbian.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  I was gonna say, okay, are you sure she's lesbian? But, all right.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  But she and Tess are so happy. Tess is a graphic designer at a publishing company for artist books. So her and Emeline's aesthetic taste is actually really well matched.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  Uh oh, we're about to get into the wedding. Oh, gosh. Okay.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Well, speaking of weddings, what to you are the first signs that someone comes for money?

• 16:41Speaker 01

  They drop what college they went to.

• 16:43Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  And they think it's an accomplishment that their dad paid for it. You're like, okay. Sure. Another sign they come from money is they wear a lot of creme. Lot of creme.

• 16:58Speaker 01

  And I would say a sign in wedding culture that you come from money is that like idiotic things like the invitation and the cake decorations and like the chairs, like what are the chair color? Because only rich people have options to choose what kind of chair will be in quantities of 100, 200, and 300.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  And you know what? That is so real. So, Emmeline knew Tess was generous. Like Tess had insisted on paying for all their dates. For their three-month anniversary, Tess had bought Emmeline a mock block pin, which start at $400. It's when they start moving in together, and Emmeline starts asking about how they're gonna split the rent, that Tess finally admits that her parents aren't just like bankers at a Wall Street firm. Tess sits Emmeline down and is like, "Listen, I'm rich. Like, really, really rich." She does not say it like that, but Tess is like, "There is a family foundation, there is a trust fund, and my parents pay for all of my housing as long as I'm employed." If you receive this sort

• 18:00Speaker 00

  of information from your girlfriend of six months that you just moved in with, are you asking any questions?

• 18:06Speaker 01

  Sign me up. You don't want a prenup, right? Get me in this house. You're paying for it. This is a type of luxury I've never tasted. I'm in. But that's because I'm a little poor trashcan. I think the healthy thing to do would be like, wait, wait, back up and why am I just hearing this now? But for me, I said, I'm like, okay, like, can you buy me a new bed? Or like, what's going on here?

• 18:25Speaker 00

  You and Emmeline are actually kind of on the same page. Emmeline receives this information and she's like, "You know what? Let me not block my blessing with something as trivial as financial transparency." So, her only response is, "I would love you whether you have $0 in your account or 3 million."

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Okay, but I love you more now that I know you have 3 million. But, okay.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  Emmeline does not ask any questions about the money when Tess furnishes their new apartment with custom furniture. She doesn't ask any questions when Tess proposes to her a year later with a diamond the size of a raspberry. Doesn't even ask any questions when Tess asks her to sign a prenup. Emmeline skims the prenup. She's not dumb.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Okay, she is if she skims, but okay.

• 19:10Speaker 00

  She sees that there is a million dollar payout in the event of divorce with additional money should any children be produced. So she's like, I'm set, perfect. More money than I ever thought I would get out of a divorce. The wedding is in the Prospect Park boathouse. So cute. Tess pays, obviously. And it's not until after the wedding that Emmeline really starts to think about the family that she is marrying into.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  After the wedding?

• 19:34Speaker 00

  Okay. What kind of vibes would you expect this sort of family to have? A family that has their own foundation?

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Well, it depends because they're paying for a giant princess wedding for a lesbian couple. So I'm sort of like, maybe these are like the liberals in succession. They're at least half on the right side. They want to give all their money to like charities and organizations and like help the world. Maybe they are Mrs. Ex Jeff Bezos and she's donating more money than him.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  So I've got a pretty open heart at this point.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. So obviously Emmeline had met Tess's family before they got married. And honestly, they were all pretty lovely. It is giving that liberal family in succession, for the most part. So Tess is the baby of the family. She has three older siblings. You do not need to know their names. You just need to know that they also have trust funds and their schooling and housing is paid for. The only member of Tess's family whose name you need to know is Gigi.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  The mom.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  Well, Gigi is Tess's mom, as you correctly guessed, and thus Emmeline's mother-in-law. And Gigi is what she requires everyone in her life to call her, except for her children and her employees, of which she has many. Because Gigi is not just managing multiple homes. She is also on the board of the family foundation, which is a job that literally no one else in the family wants. So Gigi is always complaining about it. Being on the board does suck, to be fair. There are like meetings with crypto bros. Gigi is also always complaining about how no one in the family helps her plan holidays or birthdays or vacations, which is also true. No one helps. But also, like, the last time someone had tried to

• 21:13Speaker 00

  help, that someone being the wife of one of Tess's brothers, it had ended with the wife being lectured for hours about what color tartan is allowed in a Ralph Lauren holiday spread. How would you approach having this sort of mother-in-law?

• 21:26Speaker 01

  I have an approach called play dead.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  And.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  When I'm with really tough people, I just play dead. I give less than a yes. I give a nod and a smile. No opinions, no feelings, no movement as if I should be engaged with.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  And then anytime they just kind of stab you verbally, you don't react because you're already dead. And so it's just sort of like, you don't have to kill me or hurt me emotionally, already dead.

• 21:53Speaker 00

  I think that's called like gray rocking it, which is very smart.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  No, gray rocking is a little, has a little more effort to it.

• 21:58Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Gray rock is sort of like, I am firmly giving you nothing. Playing dead is, I don't even have a choice in it, I'm dead. Trust me, I'm not even, I'm not even having the thought that I should therapy you out of my life. I'm fucking dead, move on. You know what I mean? It's like the murderers coming by the dead bodies and I have covered myself in someone else's blood, so they don't even think about me.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  It's giving PETA in the Hunger Games, turning himself into a rock.

• 22:25Speaker 01

  PETA when he like covers himself in a mud mask and is like, yes, that is exactly what I do with people who you can tell just love to fuck with you for sport.

• 22:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, Emmeline had known what she was in for well before the wedding. When it was made clear to her that until they were married, Tess and Emmeline would not be sleeping in the same room together during any of these holidays or birthdays or vacations, which does not just apply to them. Gigi is not homophobic.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love that she upholds the patriarchy, even with her lesbian daughter.

• 22:58Speaker 00

  None of Gigi's kids are allowed to sleep in the same room as their significant others until they're married. Being engaged does not count because as Gigi would say, it is a long way from binanini to the altar. How do you feel about this rule?

• 23:11Speaker 01

  Oh, I would absolutely be breaking it just to mess with her. I'd be like, I gotta give you a quiet blowjob tonight just to take the power back.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  I thought you were playing dead.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  Wait, she's around, she walks in the room, suddenly choked to death, I'm dead. But quietly, I'm still trying to retain some amount of dignity like I'm a person with choices and options in the world.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  Okay, okay. Yeah. So Emmeline also is a little miffed, not least because it is not an option to skip any of these occasions unless you wanted to incur Gigi's wrath. And Emmeline had also learned early on that Tess maintains her position as Gigi's favorite child by defying Gigi on as few occasions as possible.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  You know, again, maybe it's because I grew up in a trash can, but all of this sounds like a small price to pay for money. Like, sure, we go over Thanksgiving in a nice house where the food is catered by some chef and all I have to do is like sleep alone for three days, which I did as a single person. It's fine with me.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  It's true. Emmeline can remember like one time in their entire relationship where Tess has really put her foot down with her mother. And this is when Gigi had tried to help Tess buy an apartment. This was before Tess had access to her trust fund because there is a rule in Tess's family, somewhere in the bylaws of the family foundation, that states that no member of the family will be able to access their trust fund until the age of 30. This is allegedly to foster independence. In practice, it usually just means that all of the children's first properties are purchased by their parents. As the youngest, Tess has learned from the mistakes of her older siblings in terms of how to deal with her mother. And this is how she knows that a down payment from Gigi comes with strings

• 24:50Speaker 00

  attached. In one of Tess's brother's homes, Gigi had outfitted a room for herself with a separate entry that she can access whenever she wanted.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, that's sick. Absolutely. Walk in and out. Don't bother me. I hope you're sleeping with someone.

• 25:08Speaker 00

  So Tess very politely says no when Gigi offers to buy her a home and that she would just keep renting until she turned 30. Well, Gigi hadn't talked to her for a month after that. All of this is important context for our story, which takes place about a year after Tess and Emmeline's wedding, when Tess and Emmeline decide to finally make the move from New York to Philly, where the rest of Tess's family lives. They had been thinking about it for years. They had never taken the plunge because moving to Philly isn't just like lower cost of living and hanging out with Tess's siblings. It also means being within spitting distance of Gigi. Emmeline has some concerns, but then she gets offered a job in Philly as a budget analyst for the city.

• 25:49Speaker 00

  And Tess turns 30, which means they can finally start looking to buy a home. And they don't really want to buy property in New York. Like Tess is rich, but she's like, I don't want to do that. It's so much money. So they start looking in Philly, which is where Tess falls in love with the beautiful 1.5 million dollar town home in Fiddler Square that was built in 1900. It's got 14 foot ceilings, it's got crown molding. The mahogany and walnut floors are original to the house. And again, Emmeline has the concerns about moving to Philly, but when she sees this town home, all of her concerns melt away, which is exactly what happens to me when I see a beautiful house. I'm like, you know what? I don't see any problems here. Emmeline's like, this place is perfect.

• 26:33Speaker 00

  We can move in right now. And Tess is like, mm, not quite. Cause Tess wants a sub zero fridge and she doesn't really love the staircase down to the basement. She wants to renovate a little bit because rich people can never just move into a place. So she's like, let me call my mom. She's always renovating one of the houses. She'll know somebody. It's been two whole years since like that last home buying debacle and Gigi is a benevolent bitch. She can forgive. She can forget. When Tess calls her to get some recommendations for an architect, Gigi even offers to pay for the whole renovation. Do you think this is a safe offer to accept from Gigi?

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Well, you're doing it knowing that she's building an underground tunnel for her to come up into your bedroom at night. But free is free and you gotta take a coupon where you can.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  Yeah. At this point Tess has access to her trust fund. So she's like, you know what, mom? That is so generous. No, thank you. Gigi is benevolent. She doesn't take offense. Instead, she's like, well, you know, your Aunt Paula is finally moving to Santa Barbara. She's clearing out her house and since you won't let me help you get anything, maybe you'll let Paula, you should grab some things for the new place. This is an offer that actually entices Emmeline because of all of Tess's relatives. Aunt Paula is Emmeline's favorite. She is Gigi's youngest sister and she had used her trust fund to fund her life as an artist. She's got a beautiful house near Pennsylvania Dutch country. Emmeline has been there for enough family gatherings to be like, I want whatever Paula is giving away.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  The only problem is Tess can't get away from work before Paula needs to clear out the house. Gigi's like, that's fine. Emmeline's taking some time off before her new job starts, right? She and I can go together. Emmeline's like, it's only a two and a half hour drive.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  That's nothing.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  It's nothing.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Come on, that's two podcasts.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  She's known Gigi for going on four years now. And over those four years, even though Gigi does make her insane, Emmeline has come to kind of admire Gigi. All of Gigi's siblings, including Paula, had chosen to take less capitalistic paths than managing the family's assets, which is all well and good for the environment and the arts and shit, but someone's got to make sure the money keeps flowing. She is the undisputed matriarch of this family.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  She's taken on burdens. She's given away money. So far, she comes with more benefits than most mother-in-laws.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  Emmeline's like, it cannot hurt for us to be closer. The drive there is largely uneventful. They arrive at Paula's house. The place is so big that Emmeline and Gigi immediately lose each other in it. And Paula is like, take anything you want. Just leave your name on a sticky note and I'll ship it to you. So it's when Emmeline is trying to figure out how many Persian rugs one actually needs that she sees it. And it is the hutch. Emmeline has never believed in love at first sight until this moment. It's expertly carved in this gorgeous dark walnut that will look perfect against the floors of the new townhouse. The drawer is curved in this breathtaking way that even Emmeline, who is no furniture expert, is like, impeccable craftsmanship.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  And then there's the fact that hand carved into the wood of this hutch are a flock of Baltimore Orioles. Emmeline is like, I have to have this hutch. And Paula walks in. She sees Emmeline falling in love with the hutch and she's like, you have great taste. This was my mother's. She was an artist too, you know, just like me and Tess. And Paula is like, when our mother died, Gigi wanted this hutch so badly. But our mother made sure it went to me. She's like, I would take it with me, but I just don't have space for it in the new place in California. Emmeline's like, so that means Gigi already claimed it? And Paula gives a little wink before being like, not yet.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Emmeline does admire Gigi, but on the lowest of keys, she also feels like Gigi can take advantage of Tess's passiveness. And Emmeline just knows that Tess would want this hutch too. It has Baltimore Orioles on it. It's the bird that brought them together. So Emmeline tells Aunt Paula, "Please, I want it so bad." Paula's like, "It's yours. I'll bookmark it for you. We'll figure the shipping details out later." She's like, "The only thing is, I need it out of the house by the end of the month." And this is a problem because Emmeline and Tess's renovation is not slated to wrap up for another three months. And this hutch is massive. It's at this moment that Gigi walks in and she makes a beeline for the hutch.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  But before she can even say anything, Paula's like, "Not so fast." Emmeline's claimed it.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  Paula, you a witch, girl. You are brutal. Paula's worse than Gigi.

• 31:28Speaker 00

  Gigi immediately looks furious. She's like, "Paula, you know I've wanted this for years." And Paula just shrugs. She's like, "You should have gotten here first then, instead of trying to hoard all the silver." Gigi takes a different tact. She's like, "Emmeline, won't you need someplace to store this while the renovations wrap up?" Well, Emmeline's like, "Uh, why don't..."

• 31:51Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah. Can you put it in one of your big storage units, Gigi?

• 31:56Speaker 00

  She's like, "Why don't I ask Tess when I get home?" Because she knows Gigi is right. The hutch is massive. It's not going to fit in the apartment. She and Tess are staying while the renovations wrap up. But also, she knows Gigi. She's like, "This does not feel like a safe offer."

• 32:11Speaker 01

  That's right. Yes.

• 32:12Speaker 00

  Gigi's like, "No, no need to bother Tess. She's at work. We can store this in Spring Beauty. I'm sure she'll be fine with it." Spring Beauty is the family cabin in Hudson, New York. Gigi's like, "You can pick it up whenever you're all settled in the new place." What options do you think Emmeline has here? She still has a two-hour drive back to the city with Gigi.

• 32:31Speaker 01

  If you want it that bad, start lifting, start strapping it to the top of your little Volvo, and drive it home if you want it that bad. Call a storage unit. Do not take her up on this offer.

• 32:41Speaker 00

  Emmeline's like, "I don't know what to do." Because like, Gigi's just smiling at her. So Emmeline's like... Yeah, sure. Thank you so much. That sounds great.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  You lost Emmeline.

• 32:57Speaker 00

  And behind her, Emmeline just hears Paula give a heavy sigh, which is not encouraging. Neither is Paula's tone when she tells Emmeline, "Call me if you need any help." When Emmeline recounts a story to Tess later after another largely uneventful drive back to the city with Gigi, Emmeline's like, "What did your aunt mean by that? Call me if you need help." Tess is like, "Yeah, I don't know. Paula and my mom have always had a weird relationship. I've never really asked about it." For three months, Emmeline does not find out what Paula meant. That is how long it takes for the work on Emmeline and Tess's new townhouse to finish. But finally, the renovation is done. It is stunning. It just needs one more thing. During the renovation, they had knocked out a wall and moved it six inches,

• 33:39Speaker 00

  creating a perfect little nook that is just the right size for the hutch. On the first night in their new home, Emmeline is like, "So when can we drive up to Spring Beauty to get the hutch?" How would you approach reclaiming this hutch from your mother-in-law?

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, one, you send someone else. Two, like, make her tell a man holding a clipboard no.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  Well, luckily, they don't have to really have to think about that because Gigi stops by the very next day with a $500 bottle of wine as a housewarming gift. Tess and Emmeline give her a tour. Before Gigi had gotten there and Tess and Emmeline had agreed that Tess should spearhead the conversation about the hutch. So it is Tess who is shown her mother the dining room. And she's like, "This is where we're thinking on Paula's hutch will go." And then she's like, "By the way, when can we go up to Spring Beauty to pick it up?" Gigi has the audacity to look a little bit sheepish. She's like, "Girls, I'm so sorry, but I've fallen in love with the hutch. It looks so perfect in Spring Beauty. It fits the design ethos perfectly."

• 34:40Speaker 00

  And it was my mother's, you know? I miss her every single day. Gigi's like, I know this is inconvenient, but I'll buy y'all whatever hutch you want. Name your price.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Sorry, I'm on Gigi's side. It's her mom's. Her mom gave it to her more favorite daughter. Ouch. She's healing that trauma wound by stealing it from her rich nepo daughter who gets whatever the fuck she wants. And she'll buy them something new. Move on. When Gigi dies, you'll get the hutch.

• 35:09Speaker 00

  Tess is like, that is such a lovely offer, Mom. Emmeline, and I will talk it over. But we did design the space around that specific hutch. So I'm pretty sure we're still gonna want it. Gigi's like, don't worry about that. I can even cover the renovation costs if it's that bothersome. Just think about it.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, then get over it. This is crazy.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Then Gigi's like, there's a lovely little antique shop in La Mirée. I've been meaning to take you girls to Paris for a while now. And with that, Gigi leaves. So to reiterate, the offer on the table is if Gigi gets to keep the original hutch, she will not only pay for a new hutch, she will cover the renovation costs of moving the wall by six inches and seemingly a trip to Paris. To me, this feels like a good deal.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Let me tell you a mother-in-law story I know from Reddit. A woman was pregnant with her husband's child, and he made food for the family and the mother-in-law, and then wrapped a plate for her in the fridge because she was breastfeeding their other child as she is still pregnant. She came down to get the food. The mother-in-law had given the food to another kid, had just given away her plate of food. The pregnant woman punched her mother-in-law in the face. Her mother-in-law punched her back. And now the man is on Reddit going, what do I do? Now that's when you have a problem with your mother-in-law. That being said, I don't hear Tess being that problematic. She's just like, kinda goes with the flow and lightly wants the hutch.

• 36:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, honestly, Emmeline's a little swayed by this offer. She has always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. Surprisingly, it actually is Tess who has hesitations. She's like, Emmeline, I've never seen you as excited about anything as you have been for that hutch. And Aunt Paula really seemed to want us specifically to have it.

• 36:49Speaker 01

  Tess is like, Emmeline, I've never seen you hornier or more fucking turned up than for that hutch. And given that you react to that hutch more than you ever reacted to me in our birding club, I need that thing in my house to keep my wife satisfied.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Tess is like, happy wife, happy life.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  I gotta get that hutch up in here. My wife is in love with an inanimate object.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  And the thing is, Emmeline is kind of thrilled to see her wife thinking about taking a stand against Gigi. And this feels like the perfect opportunity because Emmeline's like, how heated can things actually get over a piece of furniture? Emmeline helps Tess craft a text to her mother. The text reads, "We appreciate your generosity, but our hearts are set on the original hutch."

• 37:33Speaker 01

  Stupid.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  They're like, "We want to keep it and we want to set up a time to come pick it up from Spring Beauty." Tess hits send on this message and then she waits. And she doesn't have to wait long because almost immediately Gigi starts typing. And then she stops and like a minute goes by. And then she starts typing again. And at last, her response arrives. So, Gigi writes, "This is the thanks I get for my kindness. You seem to have forgotten that this is my mother's hutch. My mother's. I have been nothing but generous to you and your wife. I told you I would buy you any hutch in the world and you only want the hutch that is perfect for Spring Beauty.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  I'm shocked at how callously you've decided to run roughshod over my heart and my wishes all over a piece of furniture. I know I raised you better than this."

• 38:21Speaker 01

  Team Gigi. Uh, sorry, like, yeah, that's such a rude and underhanded, condescending text. So what? Go to Paris.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  The thing is Tess has witnessed this sort of energy from her mother. But as her mother's favorite and as the youngest, she has never been the recipient of it.

• 38:37Speaker 01

  She is in her 30s. She's had a great life then.

• 38:40Speaker 00

  Tess is shocked and like a little bit indignant. She's like, what the fuck? She immediately texts a screenshot of the conversation to her siblings group chat. And Tess is fully expecting to be backed up. But remember, Tess is the favorite and the youngest.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  So they're all thrilled. They're thrilled she's getting it.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  All of her siblings have seen her escape the worst of their mother's wrath for three decades.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  And you know what? That's how Gigi feels about bitch ass Paula.

• 39:07Speaker 00

  So to Tess's shock and dismay, they all take Gigi's side. Tess's brother is like, "It belonged to her mother. Don't be so selfish." Tess's oldest sister is like, "Why would it go to you and Emmeline anyway? If anything, it should go to me." Emmeline's like, "Fuck this group chat." Emmeline takes out her own phone. She texts Aunt Paula and she explains the entire situation. And it only takes a few minutes for Paula to reply. Paula says, "The hutch will be at your house tomorrow." Don't say anything to my sister and please tip the movers.

• 39:36Speaker 01

  Meanwhile, Tess and Emmeline are like, ugh, we have to tip them. Oh, God. Life is so hard for us.

• 39:42Speaker 00

  The next day, as promised, the hutch arrives.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Aunt Paula's a mover and shaker.

• 39:47Speaker 00

  The movers are cleaning up. Emmeline takes a photo of the hutch so she can send it to Aunt Paula and show her how perfectly it fits into the dining room. So she's crafting little texts to Aunt Paula, and she sends it to Aunt Paula, or at least she means to. Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Yes. It is one of the most painful hyperventilations that exists. I think we should find a new label for that type of emotion that follows, and it should be added to the dictionary.

• 40:19Speaker 00

  I agree. It's like, oh, I'm gonna throw up and shit my pants at the same time.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  And it's always when you're talking shit about the person that you send. It's just like, your brain is like.

• 40:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, so Emmeline had typed in Paula's name, and somehow instead of clicking Paula's contacts, she had clicked the family group chat, which does include Paula, but it also includes the whole family, including Gigi, who responds almost immediately. "These!" Gigi writes in all caps. She then sends six robber emojis. Gigi continues, "How did you even get into Spring Beauty?" Or maybe that's a question for the authorities. And then she sends a magnifying glass emoji.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  Okay, Gigi's getting fun. I love threats through emojis because you just don't know if you should take them seriously.

• 41:13Speaker 00

  No, exactly. It's like, it's so cute. How much can this mean? Um, this is the moment Tess re-enters the house. She had been tipping the movers. So she has not looked at her phone. Tess takes one look at Emmeline's face and is like, what happened? So Emmeline shows her her phone, which is still open to the family group chat. So she sees the photo that Emmeline has sent to the family group chat, and Tess goes white as a shade. She's like, "Emmeline, what the fuck? Paula literally told us not to tell my mom." And Emmeline's on the verge of tears. She's like, "It was an accident, I swear."

• 41:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, you fucked up, girl.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  Before either of them can start looking for their passports to flee the country, because that's immediately where their mind goes, Paula texts the family group chat. And she's like, "The hutch looks lovely, Emeline." Paula says, "I just know mom would have wanted you to have it, especially as I promised it to you from the beginning."

• 42:09Speaker 01

  Is Gigi's last name Murdoch? Is this the Murdoch murders? And it all begins with the hutch?

• 42:15Speaker 00

  And then Paula continues. She's like, "Gertrude, don't fuss. I was the one who had the hutch moved. I know you like to forget that mother left Spring Beauty to the both of us, but I do still have the door code." And then Paula sends a photo of her own. It's from inside Spring Beauty, and it shows a stack of papers on the kitchen table. And Paula says, "I left a copy of the will at the house since you seemed to need a reminder of how the hutch came into my possession in the first place."

• 42:42Speaker 01

  Oh, when your receipt is a will? Hmm, that's power.

• 42:46Speaker 00

  We are almost at the end of our story. Do you investigate this? Or do you just enjoy your beautiful new hutch?

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Sure, why not? I mean, listen, you've already ruined your life. At least find out what legal protections you have.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Well, things actually kind of just calm down after this. Paula seems to have some dirt on Gigi that just makes her shut up about the hutch. It does take another three months, though, for Emeline to find out what exactly Paula meant by sending this photo. At the next family gathering, Emeline finally decides to start asking questions. She sidles up to Aunt Paula and she's like, "Thank you so much for the hutch. I love it." Also, um, what was that? What happened?

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Girl, what were in those stack of papers?

• 43:28Speaker 00

  Aunt Paula tells her that way back, when Paula and Gigi were in their twenties, their mother had actually offered the hutch to Gigi. But at the time, Gigi didn't want some old dinky hutch. She wanted a new shiny one. So the hutch had gone to Paula, who, as an artist, had loved the craftsmanship.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Twist.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  It wasn't until their mother died and all the assets are getting divided and the will is being read that they had all found out how much the hutch is worth. At the time of Gigi and Paula's mom's death, it had been valued in the low six figures.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  The hutch?

• 44:03Speaker 00

  The hutch. This also happened to be the moment that Gigi decided that she wanted to reclaim the hutch, which she said her mother had always wanted her to have. And this was the moment that Paula, as Gigi's younger sister, decided that Gigi would never have the hutch. That is the end of our story. I do have one small update, but first, do you think there are any villains in this story?

• 44:25Speaker 01

  What, what are you talking about? They're all villains. Every, every single one of them is a villain for putting any time and energy into this and not spending all of their time realizing their life is paid for and they should put some good into the world beyond your stupid fonts.

• 44:42Speaker 00

  And you're right. Unfortunately, the update is not about that. The update is that the hutch continues to look perfect in Tess and Emmeline's dining room and that to this day, Gigi has not set foot in Tess and Emmeline's dining room.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  Oh, well, then everybody won. That's what a, what a happy ending. Emmeline gets to fuck the hutch in peace. Gigi never comes over and Paula moved to Santa Barbara away from the East Coast and is like, moi, I fucked my older sister over.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  Exactly, exactly. Gigi says that the hutch is a symbol not only of her younger sister's betrayal, but of her daughter's collusion.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  I love it. I love it. I love it for all of them. You know what? Gigi really seems like she needs something to do and this little drama is, will probably drive her crazy till the end of time when she dies.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  Being on the board of the family foundation is not taking up enough of Gigi's time.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  It really isn't. Like, go meet with more crypto bros and start thinking of new cryptocurrencies and new coins the family can start.

• 45:44Speaker 00

  Well, that is the end of our story. Thank you so much, Chelsea.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  Well, thank you so much for having me. I need a picture of the hutch. Can you get a picture of the hutch for this? I need to see what a low millions hutch looks like. I need masturbation material.

• 46:00Speaker 00

  Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at [email protected], or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 Gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on all social media at HeyDnA, H-E-Y-Y-D-N-A-E. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley-Ritz and Jay Tolviera. Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatzic. The co-creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Kelsey McKinney and Defector's supervising producer, Alex Hujon-Loughlin. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector's business guys. Tom Lay is our editor in chief. Dan McLeod runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, David Roth, Catherine Chu, Serena Imbler, Chris Thompson, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Rado for your help on this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned, subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this from me.