Pod Insights Normal Gossip Devilish Horde of Pestilence with Nadira Goffe About this episode Nadira Goffe comes with us to a shared rental house simmering with tension over roaches, cats, and a very special stew. Follow Nadira on Instagram here https://www.instagram.com/calllmenadira/.
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Transcript 10,107 words · 3 speakers
0:06 Speaker 00 Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we're gonna bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Welcome to episode six, y'all. If you didn't tune in last week, or you're not following us on Instagram, I have got some incredibly exciting news. This fall, Ciara and I are going on tour for the first time. This September, we are bringing Normal Gossip to nine different cities. We are stopping in New York, Boston, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, Denver, Dallas, Austin, Chicago, and Minneapolis. Tickets went on sale to the public on Friday, May 9th, so that means if you are listening right now and live in
0:51 Speaker 00 any of those cities, you can go buy a ticket immediately at normalgossiplive.com. This is Ciara and I's very first tour, and we are so, so excited to bring this show on the road, and we'll even be meeting some of y'all. There are exclusive VIP tickets for every show that include a meet and greet with the both of us, where I hope y'all will bring me some delicious little morsels of gossip. That is all the housekeeping for today's show. Now, onto the gossip. Y'all, I love every episode of this season, but this one holds a special place in my heart, because today's guest is none other than Slate staff writer Nadira Goff. Nadira is truly one of my absolute favorite people
1:32 Speaker 00 to record with, and I think by the end of this episode, y'all will definitely understand why. Some of y'all who are paid subscribers to the show have already heard me and Nadira acting a damn fool. If you're not subscribed as a friend of a friend or a friend, you are missing out not just on Nadira, but on some exclusive listener submitted gossip. If you want to sign up, go to defector.com/products/normalgossip. Okay, that is for real all the housekeeping. Without further ado, Nadira, hello. Thank you so much for joining me.
2:08 Speaker 01 Thanks for having me. I am so excited to be here.
2:11 Speaker 00 I am really so thrilled. Our subscribers have had the absolute pleasure of meeting you before the whole audience does, but for those of y'all who have not had the pleasure of hearing Nadira, you're in for a beautiful ride.
2:29 Speaker 01 Oh God, I hope so.
2:30 Speaker 00 Before we get into the gossip, I would love to know what your relationship to gossip is.
2:35 Speaker 01 I'm someone who people just like to tell things to, which makes me feel very powerful. So I think it's a net good for society. Me feeling powerful is a net good for society.
2:46 Speaker 00 I agree. I agree. You do have a very like, I trust your face, you know? I look at you and I'm like, yes, I trust her.
2:56 Speaker 01 I said a few days ago to one of my friends that I think I have a 90s face.
3:01 Speaker 00 Oh, I agree. No, I agree. I could see you in Living Single.
3:04 Speaker 01 Which I think is why no one wants to date me now, but it's fine.
3:08 Speaker 00 Girl, that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that men are in a worse state than they have ever been. Do you want to date a man right now?
3:16 Speaker 01 God.
3:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, exactly. There you go. There you go. There you go. It's called Living Single for a reason, Nadira. In a 90s kind of world, I'm glad I got my girls.
3:30 Speaker 01 Wow. Wow. You're really pulling it all out for this. I love, I feel the red carpet has been rolled out.
3:37 Speaker 00 Um, a little birdie told me you've got some gossip for me.
3:42 Speaker 01 Well, yes. Okay. See, what had happened was.
3:44 Speaker 00 Ooh, I love a story that starts with, well, what had happened was.
3:48 Speaker 01 I've been lying to my mom for over a decade.
3:52 Speaker 00 Now you outing yourself on the podcast.
3:55 Speaker 01 Look, and maybe my mom will listen to this and she'll be like, baby, I've, I've always known, you know, but.
4:02 Speaker 00 That is very likely.
4:03 Speaker 01 It is very likely. Nicole is very perceptive. However, my mom threw me a 16th birthday party. And it was a surprise birthday party.
4:11 Speaker 00 Ooh.
4:12 Speaker 01 But the surprise never actually happened. It was ruined. It was spoiled. And I told myself that I would take it to the grave.
4:21 Speaker 00 Oh my God.
4:23 Speaker 01 But it, well, okay, so.
4:31 Speaker 01 So basically, what happened is it all started with my mom being like, "Hey, do you want to party for your 16th birthday?" And me being like, "Oh, could do. That would be, that would be fun. That would be fun." And she's like, "Well, if you did, what would you do? Let's say you had a bowling party. Let's say you did whatever. Who would you invite?" That was her very smart way of getting an invitation list, in terms of a hypothetical, while I was a 16, well, 15-year-old, then just so busy with other things that I didn't even think about the fact that she was actually asking me for an invitation list to a hypothetical party, right? So maybe I should have been perceptive enough to know what she was doing, but...
5:03 Speaker 00 No, you were 15. You had more important things going on.
5:05 Speaker 01 Exactly. Things were happening.
5:08 Speaker 00 Puberty.
5:08 Speaker 01 The Disney Channel was on. Right. I wasn't worried about my mom being like, "Well, if you had a party, who would you invite?"
5:14 Speaker 00 No, exactly. You're like, "Well, obviously, I've already thought about this. Why don't you know this already, Nicole?"
5:19 Speaker 01 Exactly. So I'm like, "All right, so boom. I would invite so-and-so and so-and-so and so-and-so. Sounds great." Months go by. I don't hear anything about a party. I totally forget. I'm at, it was either Thanksgiving or Christmas with my family. And my family is sitting at this big table and we're all talking about these upcoming parties and all this stuff and outfits, like what we're gonna wear to so-and-so and such-and-such. And my aunt looks at me and goes, "What are you wearing to your party?"
5:49 Speaker 01 And everyone goes quiet. And I look at her like, "What?" And my mom visibly kicks her underneath the table so hard that it is etched into my brain. Like, whatever subtlety was required in that moment.
6:07 Speaker 00 I can picture this so clearly. And what is so funny about this is that this could 100% have been papered over so easily.
6:15 Speaker 01 So easily.
6:16 Speaker 00 If you just said, "Oh, I assumed you were having a party because you're turning 16, and that's a big age," you would have been like, "Oh, yeah, you're right."
6:24 Speaker 01 Right. But instead, my mom's choice was to kick her sister underneath the table in such a fashion that it was, you couldn't ignore it if you wanted to.
6:34 Speaker 00 The thing is, that's also what I would do to my siblings. So I see everyone's side here.
6:38 Speaker 01 Yes. Yes. So I'm like, "Okay, I'm having a surprise birthday party." And obviously...
6:46 Speaker 01 I now have to keep this secret for months because my birthday's in May and this was either fall or Christmas time.
6:52 Speaker 00 Wow, so your mother started planning really early.
6:56 Speaker 01 Oh, yes. I keep this secret for months. And of course, on my birthday, my mom's like, "Let's choose a new outfit. We'll go to dinner. You can get your hair done." I'm like, "Okay, sounds great." We show up to this random ass location in Northern Liberties, which at, over 10 years ago, guys, was not the area that it is now. It was very much empty lots and warehouses. It was not the gentrified area full of bars and things that the Northern Liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia is today.
7:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, Nadira's a Philly girl, in case you somehow missed that. Somehow, we went, we went 10 whole minutes.
7:33 Speaker 01 You guys, I can be not insufferable, you know? Like, it's fine. I'm from Philadelphia. I'm not crazy about it whatsoever. It's cool. So, yeah, so basically, the end of the story is we show up at this random location and I'm like, "How would you explain this as being a place for dinner or something?" And I don't remember what my mom said. I think she said something about, like, "We have to stop here for a second" or something like that. And I'm like, "Okay." And so, we walk into this place. But the whole time, I'm thinking, "How am I going to feign surprise, since I know what's coming?"
8:02 Speaker 00 Oh, I believe in you.
8:03 Speaker 01 And obviously, as soon as we walk in, all of my friends and family and family friends are there. And they yell, "Surprise!" And it's like, phone, cameras out, and everyone's videotaping me. And they're all singing. And I blackout. I'm like, "I don't know what happened." And my friends later are like, this is maybe a year later, they're like, "Do you remember what you did for your birthday when we were singing to you?" And I was like, "No." And they were like, "You started dancing and rocking back and forth and singing along."
8:32 Speaker 00 Not you singing "Happy Birthday" to yourself.
8:36 Speaker 01 16-year-old me did not know how to lock that shit down. I've since been a theater kid. Well, I was always a theater kid, maybe not a good one, but I've become a better one. Anyway, long story short, I have always wanted a surprise party, which is why my mom wanted to throw me one. And I still, to this day, have not had one.
8:53 Speaker 00 I've never actually had a surprise party.
8:56 Speaker 01 So if someone wants to throw me a surprise party and not ruin it, that would be great. Also, Mom, I'm sorry and I love you.
9:06 Speaker 00 Oh, I both hope your mom is listening and I hope your mom isn't listening.
9:11 Speaker 01 Same. I will be sending this to her because she is my number one fan.
9:16 Speaker 00 Hello, Mom.
9:17 Speaker 01 Hi, Mom. But, you know, yeah, just sorry. Thank you.
9:22 Speaker 00 That was beautiful gossip. I love self gossip. I love gossip that might spark some discourse in your own life.
9:29 Speaker 01 I was thinking maybe the story itself is boring if you weren't there, but the real gossip is maybe what happens in my text conversations with my mom after this episode airs. So I'll keep you updated.
9:40 Speaker 00 Keep us updated and I will let the listeners know how Nicole reacts to this.
9:44 Speaker 01 Thank you.
9:45 Speaker 00 In the meantime, I have a story for you.
9:48 Speaker 01 I have never been more ready. I'm shaking with excitement.
9:53 Speaker 00 Perfect. Let's go.
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10:58 Speaker 00 I'm gonna admit something embarrassing. I know, shocker. I have not had a bedside lamp for an undisclosed amount of months, long enough that I basically haven't read before bed for a really long time. And I only realized this because I'm hosting a friend and I was like, wow. They deserve to have a light by their bed at night. I don't. But this finally inspired me to find the perfect bedside lamp. And I had a vision in mind, Wayfair. They had exactly what I need, which is one of those library style lights with like the green lampshade and little pull cord. I have been having this image in my mind of having one. And now I have one because of course Wayfair had it.
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12:09 Speaker 00 Okay, so today, our friend of a friend is Gemma. Gemma is 18 and she has just moved out of her parents' house and into a shared apartment in a trendy neighborhood in an expensive East Coast city. We know some things about that.
12:26 Speaker 01 Yes, we do, unfortunately.
12:31 Speaker 00 This isn't just Gemma's first time living on her own. Gemma grew up in a small town in the Midwest. So this is also Gemma's first time living in a big city.
12:39 Speaker 01 For 18, that's a lot.
12:42 Speaker 00 I know. Have you ever made a move like this where the stakes feel really, really high?
12:49 Speaker 01 I like to think of myself as someone who is risk averse. Or in other words, a little bitch. But with that being said, I did move to New York. I mean, I wasn't 18, but I moved to New York without having secured a job officially, officially, officially. I was on final rounds of interviews, it felt like. So it kind of seemed like I was getting the job. But technically, I moved to New York without a job. Post pandemic, which does feel like a wild thing to do. Now, mind you, I did move on a Sunday, have my final interview on a Monday and then secure the job on that Tuesday. But.
13:30 Speaker 01 It wasn't promised. It wasn't promised.
13:33 Speaker 00 I mean, I like to think it was, but I understand.
13:36 Speaker 01 Thank you. Thank you.
13:39 Speaker 00 Gemma is lucky to have like supportive parents who can send her $60 for groceries on occasion and keep her on their phone plan. Not a small thing. But they're not the kind of parents who are gonna be paying her rent.
13:52 Speaker 01 Right. Right, right.
13:53 Speaker 00 Luckily, Gemma has a job. She's waiting tables at a restaurant. And even luckier, Gemma managed to find a housing deal through a friend from high school.
14:03 Speaker 01 So what, what small-town high school friends have housing deals on major east coast cities?
14:10 Speaker 00 Well, Ruth is two years older than Gemma.
14:12 Speaker 01 Okay.
14:12 Speaker 00 She's kind of witchy. Like, she sold love spells in high school. And Gemma had heard about the spells working for at least two different people.
14:24 Speaker 01 So she got that Etsy money and the Etsy witchy street cred?
14:29 Speaker 00 Okay. Exactly. And a few months back, Ruth had posted about a room opening up in her apartment on Instagram.
14:36 Speaker 01 I see. Okay.
14:37 Speaker 00 Here's where our friend of a friend arguably makes her first mistake, because Gemma agrees to take the room without ever seeing it in person.
14:47 Speaker 01 No, Gemma.
14:49 Speaker 00 Do you think this is a good idea?
14:50 Speaker 01 Our sweet summer child. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I, I'm cringing already. My toes are curling, not in a good way. I don't, I'm really, I don't like gross things. I don't like pests. I don't like dysfunction, especially in the home. And I'm just terrified of what awaits Gemma when she shows up to this apartment that a witch lives in without seeing it first. But I'm also intrigued, so please tell me.
15:24 Speaker 00 Well, I gotta say, it works out relatively okay for Gemma. Like, her room is pretty cute. It's definitely small, but it's in a cool little attic space that gets like really incredible plant-tinged light. The rest of the apartment is...
15:42 Speaker 00 Well, it's an apartment with four walls that keep out rain and snow.
15:47 Speaker 01 We love shelter. Shout out to shelter.
15:50 Speaker 00 But the kitchen has clearly never been updated. The windows in the kitchen are tiny and covered in grime, so no natural light gets in.
16:00 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
16:02 Speaker 00 All the furniture in the living room is clearly just like what's been left over from previous tenants. There are currently four tenants, including Gemma and Ruth, but there's only one bathroom. And the shower is tiny.
16:17 Speaker 01 No, wait, sorry, sorry. So did Gemma know about these other, these other people? Are they women? Are they, what is, what's going on? Who lives here?
16:29 Speaker 00 How are you feeling?
16:30 Speaker 01 I'm scared. I'm terrified. I, first of all, who lives here? We don't, we don't know who lives here. Second of all, does my good sis only work in love spells? Or are other spells being, being cast? Has a spell been, does she need to burn some sage before she moves in? I'm scared. I'm scared for Gemma.
16:56 Speaker 00 These are all incredible questions.
17:00 Speaker 01 Which makes me even more terrified.
17:05 Speaker 00 I will say the apartment's saving grace is that it's really clear that someone has tried to make it a home. It has that like cozy kind of overstuffed vibe. There's a lot of like fabric wall hangings and floor pillows. It always smells like sandalwood incense. Every available surface has a plant on it.
17:24 Speaker 01 Okay, we love that. Okay, I'm sorry. This is great. More of this, please.
17:28 Speaker 00 The other two tenants, besides Gemma and Ruth, are a couple. Darcy and Duncan.
17:34 Speaker 01 Oh, I, oh, the alliteration usually is cute, but considering that I'm coming from a place of fear, I don't know how I feel about it right now.
17:44 Speaker 00 Darcy and Duncan are also witchy.
17:47 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
17:51 Speaker 01 Not a coven.
17:53 Speaker 00 Well, Ruth gives like practical magic witchy.
17:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:57 Speaker 00 Darcy and Duncan give like Burning Man witchy.
18:03 Speaker 00 They're like evangelists for composting. They have a struggling herb garden growing in a windowsill. Aluminum hasn't touched their armpits in at least a decade. They talk about their gut health a lot.
18:20 Speaker 01 Okay, well, so do I. Okay, not too.
18:24 Speaker 01 I got IBS, so not too much on the gut health now.
18:28 Speaker 00 Do you have any like witchy woo woo tendencies?
18:31 Speaker 01 Oh, I certainly do. And I, well, I hope my mother doesn't mind me saying this. We can fact check that later, but my mother practices an ancient African religion, a sort of sect of the Yoruba religion. So we've definitely, I feel a little witchy. She feels a little witchy. We got our witchy time on from time to time. Love a crystal, love some sage, love some talking to the ancestors. Love that. But I have questions. Also, how did you guys meet? Was it like, was it a witchy meetup? If so, what did you do at said witchy meetup?
19:07 Speaker 00 Nidya, you have so many incredible questions.
19:11 Speaker 01 These are questions that my good sis Gemma should have asked before she went in, but we're too, it's too late now.
19:17 Speaker 00 It is too late. You're right. One last thing to know about this apartment. On the floor that's street level, there's like a little plant shop.
19:26 Speaker 01 Okay, we love that.
19:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:28 Speaker 01 That's kind of like rom com setting.
19:30 Speaker 00 Yeah. At first, this works out relatively okay for Gemma. In fact, she's having a phenomenal time. She's working a ton, so she's rarely home. Plus, everyone at the restaurant, she's waiting tables at, is like really, really cool. She joins a running club, which I know neither one of us would ever do.
19:50 Speaker 01 As we've established, we do not run.
19:54 Speaker 00 Gemma's new enough to town that like every guy she passes on the street is hotter than the one before. You know that feeling when you move to a really big city and you're like, I didn't know they made them like this?
20:04 Speaker 01 Yes. Unfortunately, yes.
20:06 Speaker 00 So everything's coming up Gemma. Everything except for the stew.
20:13 Speaker 01 Rachel, the what?
20:17 Speaker 00 Are you familiar with the concept of perpetual stew?
20:19 Speaker 01 God, yes.
20:24 Speaker 01 Yes, yes, I am. It's a health hazard in a pot, but yes, I am. Please say more.
20:33 Speaker 00 Right, right, right, right, right, right. So according to Wikipedia, perpetual stew is also known as forever soup, hunter's pot, or hunter's stew. Perpetual stew is, quote, "A pot into which foodstuffs are placed and cooked continuously. The pot is never, or rarely emptied, all the way, and ingredients and liquid are replenished as necessary. Such food can continue cooking for decades, or longer, if properly maintained."
21:05 Speaker 01 You know you're in bad territory when the word "stuffs," plural, is involved. Not specific, just foodstuffs.
21:16 Speaker 00 Just foodstuffs, exactly, exactly. Duncan and Darcy's stew has been going for at least a year.
21:22 Speaker 01 Uh huh, okay.
21:24 Speaker 00 I read about one in Thailand that's been going on for over 45 years. And last year, a woman went viral for keeping a perpetual stew going for two months in Prospect Park.
21:34 Speaker 01 Yes, that I remember, and it scared me.
21:38 Speaker 00 Would you help yourself to some perpetual stew? It sounds like no.
21:41 Speaker 01 No, I really don't be trusting people like that. I, maybe it's trust issues, maybe it's my IBS, but I certainly.
21:48 Speaker 00 Maybe it's Maybelline.
21:50 Speaker 01 Maybe it's Maybelline, but I certainly would not. However, the little devil inside of me really wants someone else to try and be like, so, how does it taste? How do you feel?
22:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, anybody who knows me knows that I have the gastrointestinal constitution of one of those kids who live in a bubble, so I'm, I'm not risking it. And neither is Gemma, no matter how many times Duncan and Darcy try to convince her that it's safe. Duncan and Darcy are obsessed with the stew. Like, they eat at least one helping of stew a day, sometimes up to three. Gemma has caught them spoon-feeding each other from the pot of stew.
22:35 Speaker 01 No, I don't like this. Also, okay, we may not know the answer to this question, but if they're using a gas stove, how high is their gas bill? Because doesn't that thing have to be boiling all the time for it to maintain FDA regulations?
22:56 Speaker 00 Pre RFK, yes.
23:02 Speaker 00 Yes, yes. Um, one more thing is that Duncan and Darcy refer to the stew as Stewie, and they refer to themselves as Stewie's parents.
23:12 Speaker 01 Parents, no.
23:15 Speaker 01 No.
23:18 Speaker 01 Oh, God, this is so bad. I don't know why, but it's just giving me such bad vibes. It's just like, if they do this, what else do they do, you know?
23:29 Speaker 00 Gemma will openly admit that sometimes the stew smells pretty good. But then other times, it smells like something low-key died in it. The stew is always just simmering away while Gemma is trying to cook. And Duncan and Darcy tend to leave all the trimmings from the stew ingredients just on the counter. So Gemma's always throwing away like potato and carrot peels.
23:55 Speaker 01 That's annoying. If you're going to always be taking up a burner in this small apartment, where we probably don't have a lot of counter space to begin with, then please compost your shit, because I know they compost.
24:10 Speaker 00 They love composting.
24:11 Speaker 01 So throw that in. Don't you love composting enough to do it? So maybe you should.
24:20 Speaker 00 Sometimes Duncan and Darcy will text the roommate group chat, like, whoever's home, can you turn down the stew?
24:27 Speaker 01 I guess.
24:28 Speaker 00 Would you be okay babysitting your housemate's stew?
24:32 Speaker 01 Just get a dog. What is happening?
24:36 Speaker 00 Get a real pet.
24:37 Speaker 01 Get a real pet. What is happening? At least a dog will cuddle me back. This, I don't want this stew. But with that being said, the thing I really don't want is to hear this couple complaining about a ruined stew, because that feels like a months-long drama or a fire starting. So I would, if they asked me to turn down the stew, I would, but I would do it unhappily.
25:02 Speaker 00 That's also how I operate. I'm like, yes, I would do it, but I'll pout the whole time.
25:06 Speaker 01 Yep.
25:07 Speaker 00 Gemma's in her room one night when she hears a scream.
25:11 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
25:12 Speaker 00 Gemma runs down the stairs and finds Ruth, her witchy high school classmate, standing in the kitchen. Gemma's like, dude, what the fuck? I thought you were getting murdered.
25:22 Speaker 01 Oh, so it was like a blood curdling scream?
25:25 Speaker 00 Like, someone got stabbed.
25:28 Speaker 01 I'm locked in.
25:29 Speaker 00 And Ruth sort of shudders and then points to the corner of the kitchen, where Gemma sees a dozen little shiny bodies scattering across the floor.
25:41 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay. Nicole ain't raised no bitch.
25:50 Speaker 00 Gemma screams, just like that.
25:54 Speaker 01 This is testing me, but I will prove stronger. Okay, continue on.
26:00 Speaker 00 Ruth's like, I know, it's so gross. The two go on a roach-killing spree before wiping everything in the kitchen down. They store like the bunches of unused herbs on the cutting board in plastic bags.
26:15 Speaker 01 This was not being done before?
26:19 Speaker 01 Okay.
26:20 Speaker 00 And then they see it.
26:22 Speaker 01 See what?
26:24 Speaker 00 A roach swimming in the perpetual stew.
26:28 Speaker 01 No.
26:31 Speaker 00 This stew is your roommate's child. This is Stewie, their baby, and it is also currently providing a Viking funeral for a roach. What do you do?
26:42 Speaker 01 A Viking funeral is diabolical. Um, I, what do I do? What do I do? First of all, I evict myself from the apartment.
26:53 Speaker 00 I call the landlord and say, evict me.
26:56 Speaker 01 I call my mother, say I need help. I call the landlord and say, I'm sorry, you must kick me out. And then, I don't know, I, I walk the streets. I have no idea.
27:08 Speaker 00 Wailing.
27:10 Speaker 01 I famously have a slight phobia, irrational fear of insects. And I am someone who lives in Brooklyn, and so I have also had to go to war with roaches. And my war is well documented to all of my family members and my friends, because I've sent them videos, photos, et cetera. I have now become somewhat of a tyrant, but I live alone, so I'm allowed to do that. But a cleanliness tyrant, because I really, really, really, my day, my week perhaps, is ruined anytime I see a roach. So I would move. I would move. And if I couldn't move,
27:50 Speaker 01 I would pray, and then I would get raided, and I would then still move. Um, what I would do about the stew? You know, not my Stewie, not my child, not my problem.
28:07 Speaker 00 Not my circus, not my monkey.
28:08 Speaker 01 Exactly. I would text them and be like, hey, guys, don't mean to, to ruin your entire lives, but there is a roach in Stewie. And I don't think then that it is healthy or safe to eat. And you might have to, well, I wouldn't say you might have to start over, because please don't fucking start over with this stew. But I would just say, no, babes, I think it's time to throw this out. But I don't think I would throw it out for them at this point in time.
28:42 Speaker 00 That's really smart. Um, Gemma and Ruth are like, fuck it.
28:48 Speaker 00 I'm done. And they tossed Stewie away.
28:50 Speaker 01 I guess that's fair. Is the assumption that the roaches came because of the perpetual stew?
28:55 Speaker 00 The perpetual stew, the stuff on the counter that goes into perpetual stew.
29:00 Speaker 01 Okay, in which case, if I felt like it wasn't just the things on the counter, but it was also the perpetual stew that was inviting the pests in, I would yeet that shit out the window so fast,
29:13 Speaker 01 you wouldn't even be able to blink.
29:16 Speaker 01 Half a millisecond, half a nanomillisecond.
29:21 Speaker 00 And it's gone.
29:21 Speaker 01 And it's gone to the wind.
29:24 Speaker 00 Yeah. So they, they gone with the wind, the stew.
29:32 Speaker 00 It goes with the wind. And Ruth sages the kitchen, just to be extra safe.
29:38 Speaker 01 I trust Ruth. That's a good idea.
29:40 Speaker 00 What are you saying in the roommate group chat after this?
29:43 Speaker 01 I'm saying, your stew has caused unto us a devilish horde, a devilish horde.
29:53 Speaker 00 Of pestilence.
29:54 Speaker 01 Of pestilence, of demons, of damons.
30:01 Speaker 01 And I had to excise our property in order to keep us safe. And by that, I mean, I threw your shit out the window. And I'm not sorry about it. Come at me, bro.
30:14 Speaker 00 Real, real. Gemma and Ruth, they craft a statement together that Gemma sent.
30:19 Speaker 01 Okay, that's smart.
30:20 Speaker 00 So first Gemma texts a photo of the cockroach carcasses to the chat, just to be like, we're not making anything up. Here's the evidence.
30:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, absolutely.
30:30 Speaker 00 And then she's like, hey, guys, we seem to have a pest problem. Ruth and I killed as many as possible, but I think we should all be on high alert going forward. And then she's like, we stored everything in the fridge and wiped everything down, but unfortunately, the stew had to go. Before finally being like, and let's all be extra careful with our food storage from now on. Do you think this is an adequate response?
30:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's, yeah, that's a lot nicer than I've, well, I don't, it depends on what state of shock and fear and.
31:05 Speaker 01 Adrenaline I was, I was in. But yes, that seems like a good response. They explained why they did what they did. They showed proof like I have been doing to my family and friends with my brooch photos. And I think you, you could argue with it, but you shouldn't.
31:22 Speaker 00 Ruth, who is standing right next to Gemma as she sends this text, waits an appropriate amount of time before responding. Agreed.
31:31 Speaker 01 Right.
31:32 Speaker 00 Duncan sends a thumbs up. Darcy just doesn't respond.
31:35 Speaker 01 Darcy.
31:37 Speaker 00 And two days later, the stew is reborn. Along with the piles of carrot and potato peels on the counter, the new stew is referred to as Tui.
31:48 Speaker 01 So these are fans of Little Shop of Horrors. And you know what? That I, that I can respect. However, this behavior? I would throw it all away again and then say, hey, guys, we explained this, but unless you want to be friends with the cockroaches, I, that we can't do this.
32:10 Speaker 00 Three days after Tui's resurrection, the cockroaches also return.
32:16 Speaker 01 Of course.
32:17 Speaker 00 Gemma continues to send texts that start with, hey, guys, but nothing changes. After a few weeks of this, Gemma is like, I'm tired of this. I'm just going to take things into my own hands. She's tired of turning on the kitchen light to see roaches scattering. She's tired of the smell of vegetables composting in the open air. She's tired of the kitchen being too scary to cook in. So on one of her rare free days, Gemma spends four hours cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom, throwing away all the forgotten heads of lettuce and shriveled up old mushrooms. She plugs any holes she can find with steel wool and spray foam. And then finally, she calls in the big guns.
33:02 Speaker 00 She spends a third of her savings and calls in pest control.
33:06 Speaker 01 Oh, honey, no, no.
33:08 Speaker 00 So you wouldn't do this?
33:09 Speaker 01 Here's where we went wrong in this section of our story. Letting Tui.
33:18 Speaker 01 Get to be weeks old instead of just nipping that in the bud right away, throwing, throwing Tui out immediately. I think that was maybe a mistake because I, I feel like if, if you cut it off right at the start, then that would have maybe every time they tried to bring it back. If you just kept throwing it out, then I think they maybe would have gotten the, gotten the hint, right?
33:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
33:39 Speaker 01 Pest control, have they ever controlled pests? You know? In New York at least.
33:47 Speaker 00 No, I know, I know. I had mice in an apartment and I, useless.
33:52 Speaker 01 Useless.
33:54 Speaker 00 Expensive and useless.
33:56 Speaker 01 I'm, I'm all for gainful employment, but y'all have run amok on me a few too many times.
34:02 Speaker 00 It really, it, yeah, no, I see, I, I, I, yeah, same, same.
34:06 Speaker 01 But with that being said, I, I do understand if you're dealing with an infestation of that.
34:13 Speaker 00 Yeah, that nature.
34:15 Speaker 01 First, talk to the landlord, you know, see what, because usually there's a sort of exterminator situation going on that they already have. But I understand wanting to call in outside help. I just, first of all, one third of your savings alone, when you live in an apartment with three other people for total, you should not be the only one paying for that. And two, I'm going to be very sad when this inevitably does not work because extermination is a myth.
34:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, the exterminator lays down some like special gel shit that apparently deters cockroaches. And the pest control guy tells Gemma that the special gel needs to be left on for about 12 hours before being cleaned up. Gemma's like, okay, cool, easy. She texts the group chat like, I paid for an exterminator for the roaches. Please avoid the kitchen for the next 12 hours. And she explains everything about the special gel. Ruth responds immediately like, OMG, thank you so much. And then Venmo's Gemma $50.
35:17 Speaker 01 Cause Ruth, a real one, once Ruth pulled out the sage, I was like, oh, that's a good roommate.
35:21 Speaker 00 We love Ruth in this house. Once again, Duncan thumbs up.
35:26 Speaker 01 Okay.
35:27 Speaker 00 Once again, Darcy doesn't respond.
35:31 Speaker 01 Aren't they in a relationship?
35:34 Speaker 00 They are, they are, they're a couple.
35:37 Speaker 01 Okay.
35:37 Speaker 00 Which of these responses would piss you off more?
35:40 Speaker 01 Duncan's because not to be come get your wife, but.
35:47 Speaker 01 Darcy, at this point, we know she's not happy with the situation. She's a lost cause. But Duncan, I feel like he could maybe help out.
35:54 Speaker 00 You and Gemma are on the exact same page. The thumbs up just really gets under Gemma's skin. She is enraged and exhausted from also cleaning all day. So she decides to take a nap. You know that angry nap?
36:10 Speaker 01 Yes, yes.
36:13 Speaker 00 She passes out on the couch. And when she wakes up about two hours later, she can hear music coming from the kitchen along with the sounds of Darcy singing. Gemma can also smell the unmistakable smell of Peppermint Dr. Bronner's castile soap.
36:32 Speaker 01 Okay. See, here's where I have another question. This whole time, did they not see each other in this apartment? Because I also would have been talking to her in person, like, hey, sis, what's wrong with you? We have an issue. We should be a united front against the enemy.
36:48 Speaker 00 The roaches.
36:49 Speaker 01 And yet, here you are, being a traitor in the night. Yes, the roaches.
36:54 Speaker 00 Correct.
36:54 Speaker 01 So I feel like we would have been having this in-person dialogue this whole time. When it gets to this point, if I turn around and see Miss Peppermint Dr. Bronner's chopping vegetables to make, uh, Stewie the Third,
37:15 Speaker 01 I might resort to violence. I might resort to physical violence. I do think perhaps I'm starting to commit felonies.
37:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, so Gemma goes into the kitchen and she finds Darcy mopping the kitchen floor. "There was all this weird stuff all over the floor," Darcy says. "I'm almost done cleaning it up."
37:39 Speaker 01 Does she not read?
37:43 Speaker 01 What is the issue?
37:46 Speaker 00 Nadia, are you a morning person?
37:48 Speaker 01 I can be from time. I'm, let me rephrase this.
37:53 Speaker 01 It is in my nature to be a creature of the night, a night owl, if you will. But I do prefer my days when they start earlier and end earlier. So I have trained myself to be a morning person.
38:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm not a morning person. I think you know this about me. I do not wake up on the right side of the bed, ever, never have, once in my life. I need at least an hour after waking up before I can even begin to think of speaking to someone else. Gemma is the same way. And our girl has just woken up from a nap. So she can be forgiven for not being cool, calm, collected in this moment. She's like, Darcy, what the fuck? Did you not read the group chat?
38:35 Speaker 00 And Darcy's like, oh, I'm on a phone detox right now. And so then Gemma explains about the roaches and the pest control. And Darcy's like, oh, well, I'm sure a few hours is enough time for it to start working. And then Darcy's like, besides having so many chemicals around, probably isn't good for us either.
38:52 Speaker 01 The chemical is you.
38:57 Speaker 01 I, what's not clicking? I don't understand.
39:01 Speaker 00 Do you think a few hours is enough time for the special gel to have worked?
39:05 Speaker 01 The man with the fake job said 12. So it must be 12.
39:11 Speaker 00 Yeah, the roaches return. The roaches do return and Gemma just gives up on eating at home. And she starts eating all of her meals at the restaurant, which she is spending a lot of time there. So she just starts spending more time there. But she also starts looking for a new room.
39:26 Speaker 01 Okay, well, that's, yeah, she maybe should have done that a while ago. Like I said, I would have been, I would have been outie.
39:31 Speaker 00 But she spent a third of her savings on pest control and only Ruth had paid her back. So it's very slow going.
39:38 Speaker 01 At what point do I turn into the cast of Set It Off?
39:45 Speaker 00 Well, around this time, a new resident is added to the apartment.
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41:23 Speaker 00 One day, Gemma comes home from a shift at the restaurant and she's greeted at the door by maybe the cutest kitten she has ever seen in her entire life. And Gemma, she's just a girl. So at first she's like, oh my God. But then she's like, oh my God, whose fucking cat is this?
41:41 Speaker 01 Whose cat is this?
41:42 Speaker 00 Well, just then Darcy comes in from the kitchen and Darcy's like, oh, you've met my familiar.
41:48 Speaker 01 When I said get a dog.
41:53 Speaker 00 You told them to do this.
41:55 Speaker 01 I didn't mean, I didn't mean after the mayhem with the stew. I meant instead of the stew. You cannot have, uh, Stewie the fifth and
42:09 Speaker 01 uh, a cat named Merlin.
42:15 Speaker 01 This is not allowed.
42:17 Speaker 00 Well, Duncan and Darcy had decided that the vibes were off in the house and that it was because of a surplus of feminine energy.
42:24 Speaker 01 It is because of them.
42:27 Speaker 00 That's the cat, who is indeed a boy.
42:32 Speaker 00 What do you do?
42:33 Speaker 01 What do I do about Merlin? I bang on Duncan and Darcy's door. I'm like, come out right now or else again, I'm committing felonies. Once they get outside, I'm like, okay, listen, you already have not taken care of this apartment enough to the point where I have wasted a third of my savings on an exterminator who did nothing, rarely, not because of his own fault this time, but because of you. And now you're telling me that you also think you can take care of a cat? And I don't think that cats really catch bugs like this. Do they?
43:14 Speaker 00 They do. They're actually really good hunters. I saw my cat eat a silverfish once.
43:18 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
43:19 Speaker 00 I know.
43:22 Speaker 01 I regret asking. Okay. So here's what I say. I say, I give you guys a week. If Merlin, I've named the cat.
43:29 Speaker 00 Merlin's his name now.
43:31 Speaker 01 If Merlin can take care of our roach problem, then that's fine. Y'all still owe me money, though. But if not, then I'm taking the cat.
43:40 Speaker 00 And I'm leaving.
43:41 Speaker 01 And I'm leaving.
43:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. Gemma starts searching even harder for new housing. And things settle into sort of an uneasy stasis. The cat, who we've named Merlin, is a very skilled hunter and does spend his evenings killing roaches. Good. Shout out to Merlin.
44:00 Speaker 01 Shout out to Merlin.
44:02 Speaker 00 Unfortunately, Merlin is not very skilled at using his litter box.
44:07 Speaker 01 Oh, Jesus Christ.
44:09 Speaker 00 And he shits everywhere.
44:11 Speaker 01 No.
44:12 Speaker 00 But his litter box. Kitchen, shit. Couch, shit. Shower, shit. Stairway, shit. Every single rug in the whole apartment, shit.
44:27 Speaker 01 At this point, can you even talk to this couple? I would leave like a thief in the night.
44:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:32 Speaker 01 I would leave like a thief in the night. Sorry, Ruth.
44:34 Speaker 00 Gemma starts keeping her door closed at all times. Even Ruth, who was originally thrilled with Merlin in the beginning, starts to make snippy little comments in the group chat. Like, Darcy and Duncan weren't wrong that the vibes are bad. The constant bubbling of the stew on the stove starts to feel ominous. Gemma's bitching to her coworkers one day and one of them is like, have you tried talking to them? And Gemma's like, well, yeah, kind of.
45:04 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, kind of. Did I not say this 20 minutes ago? Don't y'all live together?
45:09 Speaker 00 She's a child.
45:11 Speaker 01 I know, and I have been thinking about that too, but I just feel as though, I'm sorry, Gemma, my girl. If you're old enough to move out of your hometown and to live on your own in the big city, then you're old enough to have an adult conversation with your roommates. You're also old enough to beat a bitch's ass. And I'm gonna need you to do those things, one after the other.
45:33 Speaker 00 Yeah. Gemma's coworker is like, babe, you gotta talk to them at least once, like, face to face.
45:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:41 Speaker 00 It seems like you think this is good advice.
45:43 Speaker 01 I think this should have happened fourscore and seven years ago.
45:48 Speaker 00 Yeah, Jim is like, well, I've tried doing everything else, so I guess I can't just talk to them. And all of her housing leads keep falling through. So one day after a shift, she like bucks up her courage to finally confront Darcy and Duncan about everything. The roaches that even Merlin can't keep up with, the stew and the piles of compostable shit that it creates. Merlin's literal shit.
46:16 Speaker 00 Jim is like pumping herself up as she walks up the stairs. But as she gets closer to the front door of the apartment, she can hear music playing and people laughing. And when she enters the apartment, it smells like weed and instant smoke. There are five or six women in flowing linen clothes lounging around the living room. It's very clear that Darcy has company. What's also clear is that Darcy is in a very good mood. She's like, Gemma, come and have a drink. Do you have a drink?
46:47 Speaker 01 No, I do not have a drink of the witch's brew. I, I also am wondering, did Darcy finally give in to modern medicine and start taking some SSRIs? You know, what's, what's, because maybe this is a good thing.
47:02 Speaker 00 Jim is like, I can't lie, I'm a little bit charmed. She's like, this is good, actually. We'll have a good night. We'll build the friendship and that will help me talk to Darcy when the time is right.
47:13 Speaker 01 No, Gemma, you have work to do, baby. You gotta lock in. In fact, round them all up, sit them in a line on the couch and say, I have a presentation for you and it is called The Apartment That Has Now Become Dante's Fifteenth Circle of Hell. Get in line and get it done.
47:33 Speaker 00 Gemma's like, this is the most non-threatening way for me to get my peace back while avoiding as much conflict as possible.
47:39 Speaker 01 Unfortunately, it is time to be threatening, but continue.
47:43 Speaker 00 So Gemma takes a few hits off the gravity bong. She like sinks into the springs of the old couch. She's petting Merlin, who continues to be cute, even though he shits everywhere.
47:53 Speaker 01 Many such places.
47:55 Speaker 00 And then Gemma notices the French doors to the balcony are open. It's like a beautiful night with a gorgeous full moon and the balcony is covered with objects of like various shapes and sizes that are glimmering in the moonlight.
48:12 Speaker 01 So crystals, we got some crystal time and charging.
48:14 Speaker 00 Okay. Gemma's like, what's going on out there? And Darcy's friend is like, we're charging our crystals in the moonlight. Gemma turns back to the crystals and starts like, kind of like really looking at them. And she realizes that some of them are sort of phallic. And a lot of them are more like egg shaped.
48:36 Speaker 00 And that's when the girl's like, we're planning on inserting them at midnight to align our chakras for the full beaver moon, which is a real thing, by the way.
48:45 Speaker 01 So where in Bushwick were they?
48:53 Speaker 00 The girl starts to explain to Gemma about like the passages of energy, but Gemma just excuses herself and flees to her room. She's like, I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, but I also don't really know how to feel about people charging their energy dildos in a shared public space.
49:10 Speaker 01 That is unusual and perhaps unkind to the people that you live with. But I'm so much cooler with that than I am with all of the other things that have taken place in this apartment thus far, because I'm not putting them in my body. You can do whatever you want. I can power wash this balcony later. I don't care. The rest being an ongoing problem, you know, okay, so what if the beaver moon? Is it monthly? Actually, how, how often?
49:44 Speaker 00 It's once a year and I believe it's the full moon that happens in November.
49:49 Speaker 01 Okay, that's fine.
49:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's fine. I would retreat back to my room, though.
49:54 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. We're almost at the end of our story. How are you feeling?
49:57 Speaker 01 I'm feeling, I'm feeling like we're losing. I'm feeling like the stew is still there, the roaches are still there, Merlin's shit is still there, and Gemma is also still there. And that, to me, makes me feel sad. Diva down. The city girls are not up right now. However,
50:19 Speaker 01 I believe, I believe that Gemma can turn it around. I believe that she can excuse herself from the situation. I also believe that karma will take care of those who need taking care of.
50:33 Speaker 00 The ultimate passage of energy is karma.
50:36 Speaker 01 And Darcy, and Duncan too, don't let me forget about him, is sure in for a very welcome visit from our friend karma.
50:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, so a week after the energy dildo experience, Gemma's in the kitchen, like pouring cereal into Ziploc bags, when she hears Ray's voices coming from the living room. And it sounds a lot like Ruth is fighting with Darcy. Do you mind your own business?
51:03 Speaker 01 No, I jump in. I jump in.
51:07 Speaker 01 Realistically, in my personal timeline, in my world, I would have, it would have gotten to fisticuffs so much earlier.
51:15 Speaker 00 Like, we would have been fighting by now.
51:17 Speaker 01 I would have been like, hey Ruth, need some help?
51:21 Speaker 00 Let me join.
51:24 Speaker 00 Gemma does not mind her business either, but she doesn't get involved. She just goes like really still and quiet so she can listen. And she hears Ruth saying, "Look, I'm not telling you what to do with your body, but I have been covering you and Duncan's side of the gas bill for the past two months. And we all know who is using the stove the most."
51:46 Speaker 01 I would just like to say that I'm an immaculate storyteller because the way I asked this question 15 hours ago, and I'm so happy to finally get an answer, they are in an apartment with gas and that bill is high. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. That would have been an issue for me. That would have been an issue for me.
52:08 Speaker 00 Darcy's like, "You offered to help me. You said it wasn't a problem." And Ruth's like, it wasn't a problem, but it is now. If you need me to help cover your dumb decisions, then yeah, of course I have a problem with it. And Darcy's like, I thought we were friends. You said I didn't need to explain. Ruth is like, it's not like you don't have a job. Why haven't you paid me back? And Darcy's like, I don't know, I just never have money left. I don't know where it goes.
52:36 Speaker 01 Well, you better find out.
52:37 Speaker 00 Gemma hears Ruth just like deeply sigh.
52:42 Speaker 00 And then Ruth's like, Darcy, has it not occurred to you that it might be expensive to have to go to urgent care for food poisoning seven times?
52:52 Speaker 01 Oh my.
52:56 Speaker 01 So she hasn't embraced modern medicine.
53:00 Speaker 01 Darcy, you're killing yourself, girl.
53:07 Speaker 01 No, this feels like Molly, you in danger, girl.
53:11 Speaker 01 Darcy, no.
53:15 Speaker 01 On one hand, this is what you get for being foolish, you know? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. On the other hand, what is her job? How much thinking does it require?
53:26 Speaker 00 Those are good questions that I can't answer right now, but I do have questions for you, which is, have you ever heard of the danger zone? Not the Kenny Loggins song.
53:35 Speaker 01 I was about to say the Kenny Loggins song.
53:37 Speaker 00 Perpetual danger zone.
53:40 Speaker 01 You know, I did get my food safety certification, but this was years ago. And so I don't, another lore drop. I don't, no.
53:47 Speaker 00 My jaw just dropped.
53:48 Speaker 01 I don't, I don't remember.
53:50 Speaker 00 It's okay. I did some food safety research because quite honestly, the whole concept of a perpetual stew seems like a biohazard to me personally. I spent some time in the perpetual stew subreddit. It's true.
54:04 Speaker 00 You might say I've had to really simmer in this knowledge for a while.
54:08 Speaker 01 I will let that one go because so many other upsetting things have happened in this conversation. You are lucky.
54:16 Speaker 00 So the thing is perpetual stews can be kept safely. You just have to be so, so careful about the temperature. Like bacteria grows most rapidly between 40 degrees and 140 degrees Fahrenheit. That's a danger zone. The safest way to ensure a stew doesn't become a breeding ground for bacteria is actually to keep it in a slow cooker because then it keeps the temperature even.
54:37 Speaker 01 Oh, that makes sense.
54:39 Speaker 00 Another important thing about keeping the temperature even is that you have to be very, very careful about keeping enough liquid in the perpetual stew. And the best way to do that is by not leaving a ton of starches in it, like beans or potatoes or rice, because they can make it hard to keep the entire thing like heated properly.
54:58 Speaker 01 Makes sense.
54:59 Speaker 00 Do you think Darcy and Duncan were doing any of these things?
55:02 Speaker 01 No, I don't think Ms. Phone Detox has ever looked up a detail about this perpetual stew in her life. I think she was like, stew? Perpetual? Me? Sounds great.
55:14 Speaker 00 I got it. Gas? Fire?
55:16 Speaker 01 Right. Gas? Fire? Gas bill I don't have to pay for? Sounds great. No, they definitely have not looked this up. And I am not surprised at this development.
55:28 Speaker 00 Yeah, so apparently Darcy and Duncan had taken turns over the past year getting violently food poisoned and getting so dehydrated that they had to go to urgent care to get fluids. And because Gemma was working so much, she hadn't really noticed that they'd been in and out. But as she's standing in the living room, she's like, wait, is that why the bathroom was always occupied? I just thought someone had IBS.
55:53 Speaker 01 Damn.
55:55 Speaker 00 Meanwhile, Darcy is like, it's not the stew's fault. And Duncan finally chimes in like, yeah, we've been adding more ginger and turmeric to it. So it's actually healing us.
56:07 Speaker 01 You know, when you get to a point in life or a story where...
56:14 Speaker 01 You just accept the biblical conclusions that come for people. And you're just kind of like, it's beyond me now. It's beyond me now. It's above me now. I can no longer help you go with God or whatever deity it is that you worship. And sayonara, so long.
56:35 Speaker 00 You and Gemma both reached your breaking point at the same time because Gemma is like, I have heard enough.
56:41 Speaker 01 I mean, correction, I reached my breaking point as soon as the cockroach just showed up.
56:45 Speaker 00 No, you're right.
56:47 Speaker 01 But yes, continue.
56:49 Speaker 00 Gemma just leaves and she goes up to her room. Her bedroom door is open and as soon as she steps inside, she's immediately hit with a familiar sight and smell.
57:02 Speaker 01 Merlin's ship.
57:04 Speaker 00 A fat pile of fresh cat shit in the middle of her bed.
57:08 Speaker 01 What is beyond a felony? What?
57:12 Speaker 00 International Criminal Court.
57:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, the ICC.
57:19 Speaker 00 Let's get the Hague involved.
57:20 Speaker 01 Yep. I would be committing crimes that involved an international governing body at this point.
57:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, this is the final straw for Gemma. By the end of the month, Gemma manages to find a new room in her coworker's apartment and she moves the fuck out.
57:39 Speaker 01 Good, good. This is like, you know, in those movies when someone's telling a really dramatic story and they light their cigarette and they're like, it was a crazy, it was a crazy few years. And then it like flashes back.
57:51 Speaker 00 I haven't heard that name in 72 years.
57:52 Speaker 01 Yes. This is that. This is what I'm imagining.
57:57 Speaker 00 Will you ever look at a broth-based meal the same way ever again?
58:02 Speaker 01 No, no, I won't. I was pet sitting for a friend once and they, like many apartments in Brooklyn, they had a roach issue. I was like, okay, as long as I don't go into the kitchen at night, it's fine. They had a sort of old school tea kettle. I went to go fill it up to make myself some tea.
58:28 Speaker 01 And there were dead roaches floating in the.
58:30 Speaker 00 No!
58:34 Speaker 00 No, no, no.
58:37 Speaker 01 And to this day, I have only ever been able to use the clear electric tea kettles for this reason. And now pots of stew for me are going to be like this electric tea kettle.
58:51 Speaker 00 Oh, my God. Are you saying that we gave you trauma? That's a new one. The normal gossip promise is updated.
58:59 Speaker 01 And I'm so happy that you're so happy about it. I I'm so happy to give you this gift.
59:05 Speaker 00 I do have one final update for you, though.
59:07 Speaker 01 Okay.
59:08 Speaker 00 After Gemma's all settled into her new apartment, she throws a housewarming party. And a few people at her housewarming party know both her and Ruth. And one of the girls pulls Gemma aside and is like, you are so lucky to have gotten out of the house when you did.
59:24 Speaker 00 Apparently, one weekend while Ruth was out of town, Darcy had decided to sage the entire apartment because the bad energies, you know. She decided to do this high, so it's unclear if it was the sage or the joint that lit the fire. What we do know is that Darcy took a nap and woke up to the living room engulfed in flames. No one was harmed. There wasn't any structural damage, but the fire apartment had to be called to put the fire out. And most of Darcy and Duncan's belongings were drenched. And all of the water soaked through to the plant shop on the ground level, which caused a massive loss of inventory.
1:00:03 Speaker 01 No, that's so sad for the plant shop. That is, however, the biblical karma I spoke of that hit Duncan and Darcy. But no, not the cute plant shop. That was the only thing going for this apartment.
1:00:16 Speaker 00 The owner of the shop immediately hired a lawyer to make the tenants pay up. But luckily, Ruth and Gemma were never actually on the lease, so they're in the clear. Meanwhile, Darcy and Duncan just disappear in the night. Like, no one knows where they went. They left behind Merlin the cat.
1:00:38 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
1:00:40 Speaker 00 But even though his plants had been ruined, the owner of the plant shop took pity on Merlin. So now Merlin is living his best life in the backyard of the plant shop.
1:00:49 Speaker 01 Is it, is it bad of me that I'm kind of impressed with how they disappeared into the night?
1:00:54 Speaker 00 No, I think that's fair. I think that's what the phone detox led towards.
1:00:58 Speaker 01 You're right.
1:00:58 Speaker 00 Only going off the grid can you disappear like that. People who didn't disappear are Ruth, who after this entire experience decided to pack up all of her stuff and become a digital nomad. She said, no more leases for me. I'm happy for her.
1:01:14 Speaker 01 The best part about being a digital nomad is that you don't have to deal with roommates.
1:01:19 Speaker 00 And that's Ruth.
1:01:20 Speaker 01 Ruth also got out.
1:01:21 Speaker 00 She said, never again. Nadira, that's the end of our story.
1:01:26 Speaker 01 I feel like I've walked through fire. I feel like I've come out on the other side, not a better person.
1:01:34 Speaker 00 But certainly changed.
1:01:35 Speaker 01 But certainly changed. But I also feel as though we've gone through something together. And so I, I want to thank you for telling me this story that I will never forget, that truly, when I close my eyes, will haunt me at night. And maybe when I'm 55, I will tell my children about that time that I was on a podcast hosted by one of my friends. And they scared the living daylights so much so out of me that we haven't had soup, me and my children,
1:02:05 Speaker 01 for the past 20 years.
1:02:06 Speaker 00 Wow. Normal gossip. Inspiring generational curses.
1:02:13 Speaker 01 Generational trauma, generational curses.
1:02:16 Speaker 00 Nadira.
1:02:19 Speaker 00 Thank you so much. You've given me new bars to aspire to.
1:02:25 Speaker 01 Thank you. Thank you. That's all, that's all I can hope for. As we've established, you've also given me something. I don't know if I will thank you for it.
1:02:32 Speaker 00 Something you'll never forget.
1:02:33 Speaker 01 Something I will never forget.
1:02:38 Speaker 00 Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at [email protected] , or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 Gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on all social media at HeyDyne, H-E-Y-Y-D-N-A-E. This podcast was produced by Sarah Spragley-Ricks and Jay Tolvier. Thank you to Samantha Gatzic, our audio engineer, and thank you to Danielle Hewitt for your additional production help this season. The co-creators and Dowager cleans for Normal Gossip are Alex SuJong
1:03:21 Speaker 00 Loughlin and Kelsey McKinney. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector's business guys. Alex SuJong Laughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Lay is our editor in chief. Dan McQuade runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Catherine Chu, Brandy Jensen, Louise Paez-Pumar, Chris Thompson, Jasper Wang, Sabrina Embler, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Rado for all your help on this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this from me.
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