Amorphous Blob of Boy with Lauren Chan

Lauren Chan came on for a tale about a girl with too many suitors and too many roommates. We are now on YouTube. Be sure to follow us on there at @DefectorMedia https://www.youtube.com/@DefectorMedia where you can watch today’s episode. Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets! https://defector.com/normal-gossip-podcast You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch https://defectorstore.com/collections/normal-gossip or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com https://defector.com/products/normalgossip. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page:https://normalgossip.komi.io/ Episode transcript here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FKR9cL62qH3qHv0ULi91A5c3d6JGCfqJfPCLs9ewtbU/edit?usp=sharing. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip https://www.instagram.com/normalgossip/, and if you have gossip, email us at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae https://www.instagram.com/heyydnae/?hl=en) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae https://www.instagram.com/seera_sharae/?hl=en) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira https://instagram.com/jaetowlevieira?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==). Our audio engineer is Samantha Gattsek. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Theme music composed by Hrishikesh Hirway. Normal Gossip is a proud member ofRadiotopia https://www.radiotopia.fm/. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices https://dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Hey there. It's Robyn from PRX. If you're a longtime listener of Radiotopia, you may know that we had a podcast that ran from 2016 to 2020 discussing every episode of the show The West Wing. Well, I'm excited to tell you The West Wing Weekly is back. Joshua Molina, whose star on The West Wing is Will Bailey, and Rishikesh Hirway, creator and host of Song Exploder, have reunited to discuss the hit Netflix political thriller, The Diplomat. Just as they did in their original run, they're discussing each episode of the series in sequence, joined by special guests from the show and from the real world of diplomacy. Rishi and Josh will be wrapping up the first season with a special live taping at Union Chapel in London on November 14th. Subscribe now to The West Wing Weekly wherever you get your podcasts.

• 0:50Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 0:51Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God.

• 0:53Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. What? Oh, my gosh.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:00Speaker 03

  Hello and welcome back to season 10 of Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we are going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today, our guest is none other than Lauren Chan. Lauren Chan is a model, writer, actor, and entrepreneur advancing size diversity, 2S LGBTQ+ inclusion, and AAPI representation in fashion and media. After beginning her career as a fashion editor at Glamour, she founded the women's wear brand Hennig, which was acquired by Universal Standard in 2023. She later became Sports Illustrated Swimsuit's first lesbian cover

• 1:40Speaker 03

  star and has appeared in Canada's Drag Race, Project Runway, Good Morning America, and the Devil Wears Prada 2. Lauren, hello. Thank you so much for joining me.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  Hi. Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I love normal gossip. Who doesn't love normal gossip?

• 1:56Speaker 03

  That really warms my heart so much. I really do pretend that maybe 10 people listen to the show.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  That's... You know what? If that helps you do a good job, because you don't feel perceived, then you believe that. But baby, don't look at the download numbers. You're going to be upset and you're going to want to raise.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  Well, since you listen to the show, you know the question I'm going to ask, which is what is your relationship to gossip?

• 2:17Speaker 02

  It started when I was very young, probably formatively in high school. I had a lot of shit said about me, particularly for being in a bigger body and Chinese in a small Canadian town. And I think that taught me to have a thick skin, know who my friends are, and get to know myself and be confident in myself. I think through my professional life, it has taught me a lot about navigating a ton of people. Like, I work in a freelance capacity where I go to a set or a project, perhaps every day, a new team. And it helps kind of discern how to get along with people, or who's safe, or who, you know, I have to

• 3:00Speaker 02

  be super professional around, who I can be myself. And then I think it's been protective in a lot of ways. A lot of shitty people I've avoided because I've heard the shit people say about you.

• 3:09Speaker 03

  Hell, yeah. It's important. I mean, that makes me want to ask, how do you feel like gossip functions in the modeling world? Like, you... It's not the only thing you do. So I'm curious as to how you feel like it moves specifically in that space where it's so image-forward.

• 3:25Speaker 02

  I've avoided really problematic photographers because of what I've heard people say that they have done to them. To answer your question, an industry that is kind of unregulated, you know, like, we're not employees with HR boards. Gossip is definitely a way of protecting ourselves and navigating who we want to work with and associate ourselves with.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I find that in contract work, freelance world, it's even more important to know who you're working with, especially because like, there's no regulations. There's no HR. There's no going to, like, the board of, like, equal opportunity because you're not really employed.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  100%. And I've heard pieces of gossip that range from, like, this photographer is sexually aggressive in a workplace, to this client actually isn't paying people and on the verge of being threatened to go public by the people that are owed money, they get paid. And then it kind of starts again with the next cycle of people if they don't hear that gossip. And so, yeah, there's a multitude of ways in which gossip exists in the glamorous world of fashion.

• 4:32Speaker 03

  That makes a lot of sense. This is reminding me of the America's Next Top Model reality check documentary, which feels... It feels... I'm getting mental images the way you...

• 4:43Speaker 02

  So, my girl, you good?

• 4:46Speaker 03

  No one was good on that set.

• 4:48Speaker 02

  No one was good.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  No. But a little birdie told me that you have some gossip for me.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  Oh, I do. I mean, the truth is, I had so many gossip stories, we had a hard time picking.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  Ah, yes.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  And there's lots of people who have been saved by the producers and editors. So, my gossip for today is about the fashion industry, and it's like a fun gossip. So, over my course of 15 years as a model, I've had tons of kinds of clients. The most fun to talk about kind are the high-fashion kind, right? They're those people and brands and names that you think of when you think fashion with a capital F. And when you are a model and you're in hair and makeup, you, especially for a fashion client, can be in that chair for, like, four hours. You know, enough time had passed where they started telling me stories about... Because I would ask about, like, the 90s and what it was like, because I'm so enthralled by that era of fashion and art in New York City. And this person

• 5:43Speaker 02

  ended up telling you that they used to be a dominatrix, which, like, I live. And so, among the favorite stories of this person, I have one that is an absolute standout. And this is not to kink shame, because get your life. This client that she had that was a cis straight man, and he would come in, and my makeup artist and the person or people that they were also working with would get fully dressed up in medical garb. They would have, like, a room that was made to look like a medical room. And I believe that the person was put on, like, a gurney with... or a table with stirrups. And as they were

• 6:26Speaker 02

  kind of, you know, doing their work, said work would come to completion when a cabbage patch kid was pushed, shoulders out of the crowning anus. And then, you know, the release, as my romance novels call it, would happen. And, yeah, that was that. And he'd be back next week.

• 6:52Speaker 03

  Oh, my.

• 6:53Speaker 02

  And so, I really loved that piece of gossip because it told me so much about who this makeup artist was. I really just think that they're such a fucking badass and, like, are so interesting and have lived through so much of what it meant and means to be part of New York City's sex-positive community and queer community and fashion and art epicenter. And I think that that's what people love about New York City, right? Like, where else in the world can you go to work and hear a story about someone pushing a cabbage patch kid out of their ass?

• 7:28Speaker 03

  Yeah. I think what you're describing is something that I do feel like is lost with algorithms and trends and people trying to, like, fit themselves into marketable boxes, which is the death of the character. Like, you're describing a real character. There really is a lid for every pot. I have a lot of questions.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  There is a lid for every pot.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  Yeah. I just have a lot of questions about the logistics that I'm not sure you'll be able to explain to me.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Hey, let's try together.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  I'm like, does... How do you... How is the cabbage patch kid inserted? And then how is it pushed out? You have to have a lot of pelvic floor control, I think, to be able to do that.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  I would think that you would get it in pretty easily with some lube.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  And a forceful hand.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  Okay. Well, that's actually kind of a perfect segue.

• 8:17Speaker 02

  I love it. That was your only question. You're like, how... But the feet.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  What the heck?

• 8:23Speaker 03

  I mean, I have more questions, but I also have a story to tell you.

• 8:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  And the story that I'm telling you actually is kind of visceral.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  So I do feel like your gossip story segue is kind of perfectly into this. So, are you ready?

• 8:38Speaker 02

  I'm... Yes, I'm so ready.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 8:46Speaker 03

  I'm gonna admit something embarrassing. I know, shocker. I have not had a bedside lamp for an undisclosed amount of months, long enough that I basically haven't read before bed for a really long time. And I only realized this because I'm hosting a friend and I was like, wow, they deserve to have a light by their bed at night. I don't. But this finally inspired me to find the perfect bedside lamp. And I had a vision in mind, Wayfair, they had exactly what I need, which is one of those library style lights with like the green lampshade and little pull cord. I have been having this image in my mind of having one. And now I have one because of course Wayfair had it.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high quality, customer trusted products for your home. So you can host and celebrate without distress. When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  Some of y'all may know that I used to host a twice weekly show about internet culture. And after doing that for three years, I basically abandoned social media. You can barely catch me online unless I absolutely need to. The one exception is Reddit. I swear to God, it is the one social media app that I check every single day because they have everything I need. I mean, I turn to my favorite subreddits like r slash girl dinner diaries when I'm bored. Or r slash one orange brain cell because who doesn't want to see an orange cat? Or sometimes I'm just looking for recipes or I'm looking for someone to talk to me

• 10:33Speaker 03

  about secret lives of Mormon wives. Reddit has useful answers, real perspectives and communities built around whatever you are into or figuring out next. Download the Reddit app today. Y'all, for months, I have been in search of just a simple, black crew neck cardigan. And I finally found exactly what I was looking for. I should have just gone to Quince as soon as I started thinking of this, but for some reason I didn't. Well, Quince had exactly what I wanted. Their Mongolian cashmere cropped crew cardigan is in fact so cute. And their reviews are so good that despite the fact that I went in saying, I need a black cardigan to wear with everything.

• 11:17Speaker 03

  I took 15 minutes to decide what color I was getting. Do I need a red cardigan? Maybe. I can't promise I'm not gonna buy it later, but I did get the black one. Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was normal gossip. It's the best way to support the show.

• 11:53Speaker 03

  Now, we normally do not do this, but I know a lot of y'all listen to this while you're cooking or eating and I, I just wouldn't recommend that today.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  Do it at your own peril.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  That visceral? Let's get into it.

• 12:07Speaker 03

  Okay, so our friend of our friend today is named Athena and Athena's life is about to change. So for the past four years, Athena has been busting her ass in college in an expensive ass town that she hates. But it's all about to pay off because Athena has just been accepted to her number one graduate program. It is across the country in Santa Barbara, which is definitely still expensive, but it never snows. So Athena's like, I cannot wait to say goodbye to undergrad and the concept of wind chill. The day that Athena gets her acceptance letter, she's obviously super excited. She tells her boyfriend immediately, they've been dating since spring of freshman year. So basically all four years of college, he knows exactly how much Athena wanted to get into this graduate program. So like, he should be happy for her, right?

• 12:52Speaker 02

  I feel like I should say right.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Wrong.

• 13:00Speaker 03

  He picks that moment to start a fight.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  He's like, and what am I supposed to do? Just follow you? And at one point, the fight gets so bad that this man snatches Athena's car keys out of her hands and throws them across a parking lot. Have you ever had like a partner or a friend who just couldn't stand to see you shine? Like they would choose your big moment to throw a tantrum?

• 13:24Speaker 02

  I love that I'm hearing this read to me to my face. You guys, I highly recommend being on this podcast. It is something else to like, hear it in my headphones daily, but like to be sitting here is crazy. I'm having an automotley experience.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  But also, yes, I know what friend you're talking about, but never a partner. So that's, that's tea.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  I read this when it got submitted and I was just like, he did what? When?

• 13:51Speaker 02

  See, I'm a lesbian, so I'm like, of course he did. Of course he did. What are you doing with that man?

• 13:56Speaker 03

  And you're right.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  What are you doing with a man?

• 13:58Speaker 03

  Well, Athena does not just remember this day as the day where she finally achieved like a long held dream because of all of her hard work. She also remembers it as the day where her relationship of four years imploded. And also the day that sort of kicked off this whole story. Because Athena and her ex were living together. So our girl is now in need of temporary, short-term housing in February in an expensive ass college town. Have you ever found yourself in this kind of situation? Like not necessarily because of a romantic relationship, but just like having to find short-term housing in unideal conditions?

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Yes, my first New York City apartment was a Craigslist situation, friend of a friendy. Worked out so well.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  Great.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  My sister's for life, but.

• 14:41Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  Could have been dead, could have been killed.

• 14:43Speaker 03

  Could have Craigslist? I've tried to find housing on Craigslist. It's never actually really worked out for me.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:51Speaker 03

  Maybe for the best. Well, you kind of guess where this is going. The story takes place in 2007, so there's no Facebook housing groups.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  Zillow had just gotten founded, I think. So Athena turns to Craigslist.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  I did know.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  You did know. Athena is running into kind of a similar issue I ran into on Craigslist, which is trying to find housing in a competitive housing market. Everyone is trying out. Her college is in a town that has like a real like town and gown dynamic where the permanent residents, low key, high key, hate the university and the students. So any attempts made to build new student housing are like immediately shot down, which makes it hard to find non-dorm housing at the best of times. And February is not the best of times.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Right.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  What is the most amount of people you've ever lived with?

• 15:42Speaker 02

  I lived with technically four roommates, one on the couch with one bathroom in a four-story walk up. So five, including me.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  You said one bathroom?

• 15:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:52Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  We just got really comfortable. Like you kind of just have to say, I'm gonna shit in the hallway if you don't.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  If you don't get out. Yeah.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  Yeah. What do you think the ideal amount of people to live with is?

• 16:04Speaker 02

  One.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  I'm a zero. My cat.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  Hey, cats are people too.

• 16:09Speaker 03

  They are. I mean.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  I'm gonna get a lot of fanfare for that one.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  And you are.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  I can feel it.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  Well, the first real housing lead that Athena finds is in a big house full of girls. It's a five-bedroom house. There are eight girls living there. And at first this seems perfectly fine. Athena would have to share a room.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  But the house, when she tours it, it's really clean.

• 16:34Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  It's relatively well furnished. There's a chore chart on the fridge.

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  The rent is only about $50 more expensive than what she's currently paying with her ex. So Athena's like, what's the catch? That's about five minutes into the house tour. 15 minutes into the house tour, it becomes extremely obvious what the catch is. And the catch is that all eight of these girls absolutely fucking hate each other. As they're explaining the extensive list of house rules, it's like factions and alliances are forming and breaking right before Athena's very eyes. One of them even admits that they love to lock each other out when they're mad.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  Then the girl who is clearly head bitch in charge tells Athena the most important rule, which is that 48 hours notice is required before any guest is allowed in the house. Is any of this a deal breaker for you?

• 17:23Speaker 02

  Uh, no, because like, look at the position she's in. Like truly, it sounds like this might be the only option here. So listen, I hope it turns out differently, but okay, at least it's young women.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:37Speaker 02

  At least they're kind of like your peers and you got each other. Maybe she's first in girl warfare. Maybe she's gonna Lindsay Lohan Mean Girls this.

• 17:44Speaker 03

  Exactly. That's a choice. That's a choice. This is kind of how Athena feels. It's not necessarily a deal breaker. But also this is basically the first time in Athena's adult life that she's been single. And so she's not really trying to premeditate a hookup 48 hours in advance.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  Oh, got you.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  Right.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:04Speaker 02

  She's entering her slut era.

• 18:05Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Complimentary.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. She's like, I've got four months left in this undergrad town. It's my whore era. No one needs to see this.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Hard W.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Exactly. So before it being a commence, she decides to check out one more option she had found on Craigslist. And I would actually love to set the scene of this place for you.

• 18:26Speaker 02

  I'm gonna send, I'm gonna plant my feet. I'm gonna close my eyes.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  I was literally gonna ask you to close your eyes.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  Yes. So in sync.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  We are.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  So in sync. Okay. Here we go.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  Okay. So first I want you to recall the smell of the classic ode per form known as Axe Body Spray.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Imagine a can of Red Bull being cracked open. Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake is playing.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  Oh my God, I hate that song.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  Okay. So where are you right now? What notes are you tasting? What are you picturing?

• 19:01Speaker 02

  Oh God, I am in a house that where I went to college was known as like the Pussy Palace or something like that. I forget what they called it. It was the boys athlete house. And they had so many boys living in here. One of them lived under the stairs, like Harry Potter. And one of them had like a mirror on the ceiling and then everybody would go like pregame there. So I guess that's where I am.

• 19:25Speaker 03

  Okay, you can open your eyes now. Once again, we're in sync because this entire sensory experience that you described, the Pussy Palace, is basically exactly what Athena walks into.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 19:37Speaker 03

  When she steps into the four-bedroom house, a couple of blocks from campus. This house has six other people living in it and five of these six people are boys. Do not picture the boys from off campus.

• 19:52Speaker 03

  These are normal boys in all their 20-year-old boy glory. It is 2007, so they play hacky sack and ultimate frisbee. Their main mode of transportation is the skateboard, though for some reason, one of them has a Segway. The Segway is the first thing the boys show Athena on the house tour. And then they give her a tour the rest of the house. And the rest of the house is, um, actually, before I describe it, what would you expect a house populated by 20-something boys to look like? Remember, this is before social media alerted them to the existence of fitted sheets and non-three-in-one shampoo.

• 20:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I'm the, I can smell it. I've been there. Like, I know. And I went to college a little after that time, but like, really, I was there. Yeah, we're talking like, like I said, someone was living under the stairs, um, just kind of like sleeping on the floor-ish. There's probably a little mattress in there, probably a single, like a twin. Um, there, someone had a dog in a room that just kind of never came out, I think. Um, mattresses on floors, um, the beard hair all over, all over the bathroom, just like the sink and the bathroom covered in beard hair.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  No, this house is absolutely disgusting.

• 21:09Speaker 02

  Unfortunately, it's a test I didn't want to pass, but I just, I've been there.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  I feel like that's the normal gossip experience of, I didn't want to be right.

• 21:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  But I know I am.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  I didn't want to be right is so funny. I'm trying not to scream into the microphone.

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Scream.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, as you accurately predicted, this house is disgusting. The bathrooms are filthy. The couch in the living room is almost certainly some sort of biohazard, and it's also seemingly the only real piece of furniture in the house. The living room windows have bed sheets tacked over them, and there are just piles of smelly gym shoes in the corners. So many shoes that Athena's like, are there even more boys hiding somewhere in here? Under the stairs, girl. Look under the stairs. I will not be naming any of these boys. Just sort of think of them as like an amorphous blob of boy.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Because this is basically how Athena perceives them. Three of the boys share the biggest bedroom.

• 22:13Speaker 02

  What?

• 22:14Speaker 03

  And these three were randomly assigned to each other as roommates freshman year, which they tell Athena was clearly the universe intervening to cement their brotherhood for life. They do not plan to stop sharing a room until they get married. The other two boys share another bedroom, and the third bedroom would be Athena's all to herself. And you know, glory of all glories, the room's actually clean. It has a huge window. It has its own sink. The rent will be $400, which is about $100 less than what she paid with her ex. The fourth bedroom in the house is occupied by a 27-year-old woman from New Jersey, who is not present during Athena's tour, though the boys inform Athena that her name is Courtney, and she goes by Coco for short. This is basically all the information Athena has before she has to make a decision.

• 22:59Speaker 03

  So are you moving in with the dirty, amorphous blob of boy, or with the clean but somewhat prudish girls who hate each other?

• 23:07Speaker 02

  Girls, girls who hate each other. I'm picking the girls. Who are you picking?

• 23:10Speaker 03

  I'm picking the girls.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Come on.

• 23:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, I grew up with brothers. I have two brothers. I'm the only girl.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  You did your time.

• 23:16Speaker 03

  Never sharing a room with a man ever again. And never sharing a bathroom with a man ever again.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  And here is where me and our friend of a friend diverge. And you, because Athena's like, I'd rather live in a clean room in a dirty house and bring over whoever I want than deal with whatever bullshit these girls have going on.

• 23:35Speaker 02

  Okay, this is a sex-positive house, I will say. Um, I forgot about the era that she's in. I was so transported to a place of trauma, that I had previously wiped from my memory. But yeah, that's a sex-positive house. Yeah, I'll give them that.

• 23:51Speaker 03

  And since the rent in the dirty house is so cheap, Athena's like, I'll be able to save up some money for my big move. In the fall, she'll sell her car for one last boost of cash and then head across the country for grad school. So Athena signs the lease with the dirty boys and...

• 24:07Speaker 02

  Not a legal document.

• 24:09Speaker 03

  Legally binding. As Athena told us, and I quote, "The natural horrors did await her." A selection of the horrors that awaited Athena. Within 12 hours of moving in, Athena cleans her bathroom at the end of the house to make it usable. And by the end of the week, all of the boys are showering in there, and they tell her it's because the other one's dirty. One night, Athena comes home to a plate of Vienna weenies, inexplicably garnished with an entire stick of butter, just left out on the counter. It's still there in the morning. Also, because it's 2007, it is the heyday of the weed. And of course, these boys are really into weed, especially weed bowling. Their favorite thing in the world is to fill the house with the smell of cheap weed smoke

• 24:54Speaker 03

  and then start an hours-long weed bowling tournament at 10:00 PM on a Wednesday.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  Okay, so that explains the sausages.

• 25:03Speaker 03

  And it does. Although, what are you doing with them?

• 25:06Speaker 02

  Girl, one time I put chocolate in pasta, and I was like, I like both these things. It's gonna work.

• 25:11Speaker 03

  I think that makes more sense.

• 25:12Speaker 02

  The next morning.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  That makes more sense. Molay is a sauce with chocolate in it. It could go on pasta. And you know what? None of us are perfect roommates. I'll be vulnerable. I leave things in weird places. Like, one time, my roommate had to be like, Rachel, why is the mayonnaise in the sink?

• 25:28Speaker 02

  That's an oopsie.

• 25:29Speaker 03

  It was an accident, and it was recent enough to when I made the sandwich that the mayonnaise was still good, so like...

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's an oopsie.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  Thank you. What are your little, like, cohabitating quirks?

• 25:40Speaker 02

  Oh, well, I'm perfect.

• 25:44Speaker 03

  I have a feeling.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  And anyone I've ever lived with is not. No, I'm kind of, I guess I'm like the anal one. And so I, like, the other day, my wife left out, was it mayo? It was something like mayo or the salt or a dressing, and I just put it away. But I don't say I just like put it away, because that's how I understand my brain works versus how her brain works.

• 26:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:04Speaker 02

  Um, she's just like on to the next thing. And then when I lived with a man, we had separate bathrooms. And so I feel kind of like you're allowed to do what you want to do if it's your own bathroom. The sin in this is that they started using Athena's bathroom. Um, but my things are, I'm annoying because of that. Like, I don't leave stuff, but I can, sometimes I hear myself, and I'm like, give it a rest. Give it a rest, girl. Yeah.

• 26:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I feel like it's good to have both of those people in the house.

• 26:33Speaker 02

  Because they marry each other. There's two kinds of people, and they marry each other. Yeah.

• 26:36Speaker 03

  Well, over the next few weeks, Athena starts to be able to vaguely distinguish the boys and the blob from each other. Like, there's the boy who she never sees without his beanie. And then there's Segway boy, who despite owning a Segway, which by the way, costs like a grand.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Oh, at the time, for sure. If not, way more.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. Despite this, this boy who owns a Segway is so broke that at the beginning of the week, he gets three orders of chicken chow mein from like the Chinese place down the street and makes that last for a whole week.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  I mean, support local Asian business, and I've always said that.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  When Athena's like, so how did he pay for the Segway? One of the other boys is just like, that's his story to tell. But Segway boy himself will only say, I want to bet. However, at no point does Athena ever see her fifth roommate Coco. Athena will occasionally hear about her from the boys, but none of the information she gets is particularly helpful. Like, pretty soon after Athena moves in, Segway boy tells her Coco's really specific. He's like, not necessarily in a bad way, but she never lets us borrow her socks.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Do you know what happens when you give boys socks? When they're like basically prepubescent?

• 27:44Speaker 03

  Oh, my god.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  I've seen it in the movies, people.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  I didn't even think about that.

• 27:49Speaker 02

  I wouldn't be giving them anything of mine.

• 27:50Speaker 03

  And you're right. And you're right. Yeah. Beanie boy informs Athena that all three pairs of scissors in the kitchen are Coco's, but she has expressly forbade any of the boys from using them, which makes sense to Athena.

• 28:02Speaker 02

  I have seen a man use scissors on their pubic hair.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  We have tools for that.

• 28:08Speaker 02

  You wouldn't be, they're not investing.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  They're not.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  They're not watching Shark Tank.

• 28:13Speaker 03

  They should be.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  They're using whatever Coco left around the house and the bathroom that was cleaned by Athena. Okay?

• 28:19Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  You're also forbidden from using my scissors. All men.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  Yeah. I haven't given you a lot of information, but Athena also doesn't have a lot of information. So what do you think of Coco so far? Do you think she's real?

• 28:30Speaker 02

  If I was genuinely in this circumstance, I would be telling my friends, like, this bitch is not real.

• 28:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 02

  Like, this is, there's no way.

• 28:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  But, but now that I'm thinking about it, the she goes by Coco line is kind of like when you lie and you just like say too much. You've like developed the backstory to yourself that you don't need to share with people because it's actually a tell. So let's see if I'm right.

• 28:51Speaker 03

  Ooh. Well, the biggest lore drop comes when Athena finally decides to tackle the fridge, because it is packed full of shit, but nothing in there looks edible. It takes a whole weekend, but finally Athena confirms that not a single item in the fridge belongs to Coco, like not even a bottle of mustard. So finally Athena sits down some of the boys, and she's like, is Coco your girlfriend from high school? What is going on? Is she real? And the boys finally drop some more lore. Apparently, two of them had come home after winter break and found Coco on the couch, naked and smoking a cigarette.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  That is so punk because of the biohazard that the couch is. Like, we have an open reproductive system, girl.

• 29:33Speaker 03

  Literally, Athena's first thought is, I would not put my naked ass cheek anywhere near that couch.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  And that's why she's allowed to tell the story.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly. And the boys smoke weed in the house all the time. So besides the nudity, this story doesn't seem like a particularly big deal. Except apparently this happened right after some of the boys' friends sent them multiple pictures of Coco on the Segway cruising through downtown on New Year's Eve.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Naked?

• 30:00Speaker 03

  No.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Ah.

• 30:01Speaker 03

  I know. But scooting without permission is tantamount to a crime in this house.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  Oh, god. How much weed do you have to smoke to like be like these boys?

• 30:12Speaker 03

  A lot more than I do. Well, words were exchanged about wearing clothes in the house and scooting without permission. And basically, none of the boys have seen Coco since. They tell Athena that they're pretty sure she's staying with her boyfriend. Athena's like, and Coco's paying her rent, right? And the boys are like, yeah, of course, we're not idiots.

• 30:38Speaker 03

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• 31:21Speaker 03

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• 32:04Speaker 03

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• 35:04Speaker 03

  Athena's a little bit like, that's one less person to have to fight for a shower. Okay. And she's also like, if I had somewhere else to stay, I would also be taking advantage of it. So she's like power to Coco. And the thing is Athena's kind of doing her best to get like Coco. She is spending as much time away from the house as possible.

• 35:22Speaker 02

  True.

• 35:22Speaker 03

  She's taking extra shifts at her waitressing gig to save up for the move. And when she does have free time, she's going on dates. Does Athena have to bring all of her guests in through the back door? Otherwise, all her roommates will go, ooh, like they're in third grade. Yes, she does. But Athena's having fun hooking up with people. She's very much appreciating. She does not have to give anyone 48 hours notice of their comings and goings. These are equal opportunity hookups, mostly men, a few women.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  Hey, I knew I liked her.

• 35:54Speaker 03

  And the thing is Athena would happily date more women, but it's 2007, so the pickings are a little slim. Like, online dating isn't really a thing yet. And I don't think people were walking up to each other and asking if they're gay yet, which I feel like people do now, especially in New York. But nevertheless, Athena persists. Two of her favorites get not just second dates, but third and fourth and fifth dates. So our primary bachelor is a dual citizen of the US and Argentina, who lives in the apartment complex on the corner. He has a motorcycle. He eats green onions like a cow does clover, just.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  Wow, okay, why? Like a health reason? Like an old Argentinian health secret?

• 36:35Speaker 03

  Maybe.

• 36:36Speaker 02

  Maybe, yeah.

• 36:37Speaker 03

  This man says women should be taken care of and that his ex never had to pay rent. He was dishonorably discharged from the military back in Argentina, but he doesn't like to talk about it.

• 36:48Speaker 02

  I was like, that sounds okay. But then you have to understand that in real life and practice, this is giving Carlos from Desperate Housewives, right? Like Gabby's taken care of. She's got everything she could want, but he's very controlling. And she really, although she kind of is into it, at least in the beginning, is trapped.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, luckily Athena has other options.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  Our primary bachelorette is a friend of a friend who Athena met at a party. She's cute, but kind of boring. She has two elderly chihuahuas. She went on a trip to Mexico after hanging out with Athena for the first time. So Athena actually hasn't spent like a ton of time with our bachelorette.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  Two elderly chihuahuas and a spontaneous trip to Mexico does not sound boring to me.

• 37:33Speaker 03

  That's real. And she brought Athena home an armadillo bobblehead from Mexico.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  I mean.

• 37:39Speaker 03

  Cute.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  I mean.

• 37:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 02

  Which is like the modern day equivalent of like a Jimothy t-shirt from Etsy. I'd be in love.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Jimothy.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  I'd be in love, Jimothy.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  Well, I have a feeling what your answer is, but thoughts and feelings about Athena's options? Who are you going with?

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Bachelorette.

• 37:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Bachelorette.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, some time passes. Athena doesn't make a choice. She just works and dates. She doesn't feel pressured to like lock anything down. She still never meets her sixth roommate, though. And she's not ashamed to admit that she's even peeked into Coco's room a few times. There is a bed and some furniture in there, but everything else is covered in like a thin layer of dust. And honestly, the vibes are kind of spooky because there's no window in this room.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  I was just gonna say spooky, yeah.

• 38:24Speaker 03

  Athena's like, you know what? I would also spend as little time here as possible. Like Athena is already trying to spend as little time here as possible. And her room has a window. But unfortunately, neither of her dating prospects really have like ideal living situations either. Athena's bachelorette lives with her two elderly chihuahuas in a cottage in an English professor's backyard, which is very picturesque. It even has a working fireplace. The only problem is the bed is a twin extra long. And there's simply not enough room for two chihuahuas and two people in a twin extra long.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  I wouldn't kick my dog out of the bed.

• 38:59Speaker 03

  My cat sleeps under the sheets during the winter. Yeah.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  That's so sweet. But this is literal, like literally a dream scenario to me.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  But I get that she thinks she's boring because she's in her slut era.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  But I digress.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  The bachelor's apartment is way cleaner than Athena's house, but for some reason, he has an actual bear trap mounted on the wall.

• 39:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm like, but that's giving American Psycho level of cleanliness. I don't know, I could convince myself out of a man no matter what. But girls, like, just like be a little bit paranoid. I think it might serve us well.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  Every morning, the bachelor spends an hour locked in the bathroom, touching up his beard and his hairline.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  There you go.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  And also, when he saw Athena taking a melatonin before bed, he told her that melatonin is a psyop.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  Oh, that's strange.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  That's, see, that's not the kind of guy I thought it was. I had a friend who dated somebody who, well loosely dated somebody who. Ended up telling her that he is a flat earther and doesn't pay taxes, or like doesn't believe in taxes. And she turned the segue right around. Yeah.

• 40:02Speaker 03

  Okay, good.

• 40:03Speaker 02

  But they like hide these things and then they get comfy enough and they come out.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, and this reminds Athena that she still doesn't know exactly why this man was dishonorably discharged from the Argentinian military. Maybe because it's more of a knife date conversation. Neither of these options are appealing to me, really, I must say. But if you have to choose, I'm a Samir going with the elderly Chihuahuas.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Chihuahua cottage, English professor, hey.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  Well, one day near the end of April, The Bachelor drops Athena off at the house, just in time for Athena to see a random car pull out of the driveway with a bunch of stuff packed into the backseat of the trunk. Athena goes inside and one of the boys is like, you just missed Coco. Athena's like, what was she doing? And the boys say, I don't know, getting some stuff. The door to Coco's room is open. Athena looks in, there's still a bed in there, as in like a bare mattress, but literally everything else is gone. And Athena's like, do you think she's moving out? And the boys say, no, she's on the lease. And Athena is the first to admit, she's still figuring her shit out, but she's not convinced by this argument. She's like, are you sure she isn't leaving? It doesn't sound like you guys talk a lot.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  And the boy's like, quit worrying, she's just taking some stuff to her boyfriend's. Are you worried?

• 41:19Speaker 02

  She's moved out.

• 41:22Speaker 03

  Well, May 5 rolls around and they all get an email from their landlord. He says everyone sent in rent except for Coco. He says he tried to give her a call, but she didn't pick up. He says that the terms of their lease make them, quote, "all jointly and severally liable", which means they must pay for the rent. So they need to come up with an additional $500 to cover Coco's portion of the rent in the next 48 hours, which is when he'll not only start charging interest, but be getting eviction proceedings.

• 41:51Speaker 02

  And that's monthly, that's 500 monthly.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  Athena's panicking. She has plans for like every dollar of her savings. She goes out to the kitchen to discuss with the boys, which is when she realizes none of them check their emails. So they're all like, what are you talking about? And Athena's like, go check your fucking email, please, we have a problem. Which is followed by a wave of, bro, no way! Just rolling through the house. Everyone comes back to the kitchen to discuss. The boys are like, well, she has to pay, she's on the lease. And Athena is like, no, she doesn't have to pay. And she explains what jointly and severally liable means. The boys are drooping, they are crestfallen, they have never looked more defeated in their entire lives.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Several of them text Coco for rent money, but she ignores them all. So, you're Athena, what would you do?

• 42:45Speaker 02

  Go live at the cottage. I would do what Coco did before I have to be the last sucker standing.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  That's really smart.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  I'm following my team captain.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  You said Coco is in charge, actually.

• 42:56Speaker 02

  Yes. Because, listen, you're in that scenario, you're Athena, you know it's on your shoulders. You have to manage them, they don't read their email. It's like herding cats, no offense. I am out of there.

• 43:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's smart. Athena's like, okay, well, this obviously sucks, but $500 split between six people is not that much money. Let's just find a way to pay Coco's share for the month and then we'll find someone to take over her room. And the boys are like, oh, man, Athena, we can't, sorry.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  See, that's a checkers move, not a chess move. The chess move is knowing that you're going to end up the last sucker responsible for all these idiots.

• 43:35Speaker 03

  I know.

• 43:35Speaker 02

  And you've just gotta dip already.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  I know, I'm giving it up for Athena being like 21, 22, senior in college.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  Respect to Athena.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. And apparently these boys, who are not exactly financially savvy at the best of times.

• 43:50Speaker 02

  Not exactly.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Decided to pull all their collective cash to buy one giant sack of rice, one giant sack of beans, a brand new PlayStation 3, controllers for everyone, and Call of Duty. So all of them have less than $10 in their bank accounts and none of them have credit cards. So if they want this bill to get paid, Athena will have to cover for Coco in full. It sounds like you're not sucking it up. It sounds like you're leaving these boys on the hook.

• 44:18Speaker 02

  Oh, my God, why? Why would you, why would anyone go out of their way for these people? I like, and not in like a mean way, but like a, hey, looks like you guys got yourself into a situation that unfortunately I'm not gonna go down with, I just know what I signed up for.

• 44:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  Um, so best of luck, hope you get part-time jobs.

• 44:37Speaker 03

  Best regards.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:39Speaker 03

  Polish off your resume.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:41Speaker 03

  Yeah. Athena calls the landlord. She's like, can we just find someone else to take over the room? And the landlord says, no, you can't put a new tenant in that room because Courtney has not officially notified me that she's leaving. Athena's like, we don't have another $500 to pay for her room. And the landlord's like, you gotta figure it out. Athena's like, can you contact her another way? Landlord's like, you can contact her if you want. And Athena says, I don't know this woman, sir, we've never met. To which the landlord is like, how do you not know your own roommate? And Athena's like, kinda gagged me there. Yeah, it's a good question. Ultimately, the landlord agrees to extend them 72 hours to get the funds, but he says that's all he can do. Talking to the landlord did give Athena an idea, though.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  She's like, since Coco and I have never met, she probably won't ignore me. So Athena gets Coco's number from the boys and she sends Coco a nice but firm text saying that if she wants to move out, the boys can handle getting a new tenant to take over Coco's spot, but Coco needs to pay rent for May and she needs to tell the landlord she's moving out. Athena ends strong. She's like, I really don't want to have to go after you in small claims court, so please just pay your rent. Three minutes later, Athena gets a text back that says, this number has been disconnected. However, the word disconnected is spelled incorrectly.

• 46:02Speaker 02

  Punk, pretty punk.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  How would you respond to this?

• 46:07Speaker 02

  I mean, you got, I, I just would have known I got got. Like, what am I gonna do? I would be next in line to do exactly what Coco did. Because, listen, if you're thinking chess, you're gonna get evicted anyways in 72 hours, you might as well beat them out the door.

• 46:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:21Speaker 02

  And like not have to deal with the intense stress of whatever this landlord is gonna try to put on you from this joint legal document.

• 46:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  I don't know, you can't be mad at her.

• 46:33Speaker 03

  Well, Athena does have a bit of a temper. And we are a couple of years removed from the hit movie Mean Girls, so Athena cannot help herself from responding, boo, you whore.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  Not inappropriate?

• 46:44Speaker 03

  Not inappropriate. Before Athena tells the boys that they have three days to call their parents, sell the PS3, sell the Segways, sell some plasma, sell something, whatever they need to come up with at least some of Coco's rent.

• 46:58Speaker 02

  It does sound to me like they don't have jobs.

• 47:00Speaker 03

  And you're right. At this moment, Athena packs her duffel bag and heads to The Bachelor's house. They take a ride on his motorcycle. They take another kind of ride.

• 47:11Speaker 02

  Oh, girl, you got a housing situation to figure out. Hey, maybe that was her figuring it out.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  De-stressing.

• 47:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:18Speaker 03

  She's decompressing.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  So by the time The Bachelor drops her off the next morning, Athena's feeling like maybe she can get to September without any more crises. And then she sees her car. Three of Athena's car tires have been slashed. The whole thing has been keyed.

• 47:35Speaker 02

  What?

• 47:36Speaker 03

  And the words boo, you whore has been keyed into her driver's side door.

• 47:42Speaker 02

  Coco, I was rooting for you. I was so into the strong, assertive, assured woman.

• 47:53Speaker 03

  Except the person who did it can't spell, so they spelled a whore without the W?

• 47:58Speaker 02

  Boo, you horse.

• 48:02Speaker 03

  Um, any guesses as to who the culprit is?

• 48:04Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 48:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:07Speaker 02

  But now I'm thinking, is it Coco? Ooh.

• 48:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  Well, I can't wait to find out.

• 48:14Speaker 03

  Well, Athena runs into the house where the boys are just getting their day started. And when Athena marches them outside to look at her car, they're all like, bro, no way! Damn, Athena, that sucks! Without even knowing what Athena texted to Coco, one of the boys is like, it was definitely Coco. You know she's insane. And all the boys are like, yep, but it was Coco. And Athena's like, excuse me, what do you mean she's insane? And the boys are like, what do you mean, what do you mean? They're like, we tell you Coco stories literally all the time. But while they're waiting for the cops to arrive, the boys catch Athena up on some lore she definitely did not know.

• 48:48Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  Apparently Coco moved out here last year to be with the guy she met on Reddit.

• 48:57Speaker 02

  That's a first, I've never heard that.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  It happens, which is surprising because Reddit is an anonymous platform.

• 49:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:04Speaker 02

  And people are their worst selves.

• 49:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. Coco lied on her rental application and said she was a veterinarian, when in reality she spent the winter working at a sandwich place.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  That's a big swing for an early 20-something, it's just not necessary, you know?

• 49:18Speaker 03

  Yeah. One of the boys has a buddy who saw Coco have a meltdown at the sandwich place a few weeks ago. She smashed a whole footlong full of pastrami in her manager's face and got fired on the spot.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  I kind of

• 49:31Speaker 03

  You said, "I'm back on Coco's side."

• 49:33Speaker 02

  I never really liked that. That's so crazy. I'm obsessed.

• 49:39Speaker 03

  I respect a woman who is not conflict diverse.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  Oh, I fear I'm on the wrong side, though. Keep going.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  Athena's like, "Okay, uh, cool, cool, cool. Would have been good to know all that before I texted this person."

• 49:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, with a threat to small claims court. That's what did it.

• 49:56Speaker 03

  Yeah. And the boys are like, "We've been telling you."

• 50:00Speaker 02

  Weren't you listening?

• 50:02Speaker 03

  The cops arrive and they have Athena file a report, but they're not impressed by the Coco theories since there is no evidence besides a phrase from a very popular movie. They leave and now Athena has to figure out how she's gonna get herself to work since her car still has three flat tires. We are almost at the end of our story. Be real with me. Would you actually go to work after something like this happened? Because I would be calling in sick.

• 50:25Speaker 02

  True. No, but at this point Athena needs the money.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  I know, I know, I know. The smart choice is to go to work, but I don't handle...

• 50:35Speaker 02

  I know, I hear you. It's, it's up for debate. It would be, it would depend on my baseline mental health that day.

• 50:40Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly. How did I wake up? On the right side of the bed, you know?

• 50:44Speaker 02

  But I do, I do, see, now she's got three tires to pay for. Ugh, ugh.

• 50:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Athena is better than me and as you pointed out, she also now has an additional unplanned expense of fixing her car, so she's like, "I gotta go to work." So she texts the bachelor, our motorcycle guy, who also has a car he never uses. She's like, "Hey, I'm so sorry to ask this, but I'm really in a bind and I have work tonight. Is there any way that I could borrow your car or you could give me a ride? The restaurant's only 15 minutes away. I'll pay for your gas." The bachelor responds like, "Well, I think this is moving too fast for me. Can we take a step back?"

• 51:19Speaker 02

  Oh, my God. Right when you need him, right when you actually need him.

• 51:22Speaker 03

  Just like a man.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  Damn.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  Again, I would call out sick at this point. And at this point, Athena...

• 51:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:30Speaker 03

  Right? At this point Athena is strongly considering it. She is forced to ponder the state of her life in that moment. She's still on the hook for Coco's rent. She's down her car. She's down her dignity. She's at rock bottom. And this is when our bachelorette, the owner of the two elderly Chihuahuas, texts Athena to ask her how her day is going. And even though this woman lives 45 minutes away and it's rush hour, she drops everything to come and give Athena a ride to work without Athena even asking her. Athena just started telling her about her day from hell and here she comes like a knight in shining armor with two elderly dogs.

• 52:08Speaker 02

  Part of me wants to jump for joy and part of me is scared of the twists and turns that are coming out of your mouth next.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  You said, "I can't trust you."

• 52:18Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna embarrass myself again after being Team Coco. I'm gonna sit here quietly and shut the fuck up and listen.

• 52:27Speaker 03

  Well, something changes for Athena that day. She starts to get a sense of where the bar maybe should be to date someone and starts hanging out with our bachelorette much more regularly. Her name is Jules, by the way. Eventually Athena's insurance does cover fixing her car.

• 52:43Speaker 02

  Oh, yes, our girl's responsible. She had insurance. Yes, that's amazing.

• 52:47Speaker 03

  And their landlord caves after hearing about the police report and lets them look for another roommate.

• 52:52Speaker 02

  Wow. Things are really coming up Athena.

• 52:55Speaker 03

  The boys do not sell anything. So Athena pays the $500, but the boys do manage to find another person to rent Coco's room after two weeks. So Athena ends up getting half of the money back.

• 53:06Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 53:06Speaker 03

  Even so, she does begrudge those boys every single one of those $250 to this day. And even after everything she has seen, she is somewhat stunned by the audacity when they just stop even pretending like they're gonna pay her back.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 53:23Speaker 03

  On the day she moves across the country to start grad school, Athena decides to follow in Coco's footsteps. She changes her number to free herself.

• 53:35Speaker 03

  She changes her number to free herself forever from this amorphous blob of boys and then preemptively blocks them just in case they somehow find her new number. That is the end of our story. I do have a few updates for you. But first I want to ask, who do you think the villain is? I actually can't tell.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  The villain is capitalism.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Yeah. To me, the lesson of the story is just be gay from the start, girl. Your sisters have a lot of heartbreak and I do look in the mirror as I say that. So I say it with love to anyone with whom that resonates.

• 54:10Speaker 03

  Listen, that's often, I think, the ending coda of our story is just be gay. Maybe do crimes.

• 54:19Speaker 02

  She did in the end.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  And she did.

• 54:21Speaker 02

  She did.

• 54:21Speaker 03

  Well, over winter break, Jules comes to visit Athena in Santa Barbara. And then a year into her program, Jules and her dogs move out there to join her. Those elderly Chihuahuas have the time of their life in the sunshine. So good for their little joints.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 54:38Speaker 03

  Jules and Athena get engaged.

• 54:39Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, that's so sweet. I swear to God, if you ruin, you could, if you're not gonna say anything nice after this, just stop right now.

• 54:51Speaker 03

  Well, after gay marriage is legalized, they get married and they're together to this day.

• 54:55Speaker 02

  Thank God.

• 54:57Speaker 03

  And one final update.

• 54:59Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 55:00Speaker 03

  Three years into their marriage, Jules makes a confession. She wanted revenge for all the stress that Coco put Athena through. So that fall, after Athena was safely out of state, Jules tracked Coco down.

• 55:16Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 55:17Speaker 03

  She figured out where Coco's new job was. She was working at an ice cream shop. And she figured out which car was Coco's. And one day, Jules brought some surgical gloves as well as a baggie of shit she had collected from her own Chihuahuas. Over the course of many mini-walks, she smeared the shit all over Coco's windshield and then she packed the rest into the underside of each of the door handles. And then Jules just sat and watched from her car as Coco's life decisions caught up to her.

• 55:54Speaker 02

  Oh, and that is what a lesbian will do for you if you are scorned. All I'm gonna say is nobody ever better fuck with my wife because now I've heard that story. And actually, I wouldn't put it on the windshield because I wouldn't alert you to the fact that there was shit under the door handles.

• 56:12Speaker 03

  Ooh, diabolical.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  And I would put it like in the hood of the car so that it just smells. But good luck cleaning an engine. Anyways.

• 56:22Speaker 03

  The ignition?

• 56:22Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm, I'm doing too much. I'm giving too much away.

• 56:24Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Well, now that you know this, how does this make you feel about Jules? Does this change your opinion?

• 56:29Speaker 02

  No, I was a Jules head from the start.

• 56:32Speaker 03

  And you were?

• 56:33Speaker 02

  And I was.

• 56:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, you said two ugly Chihuahuas, a lovely cottage.

• 56:37Speaker 02

  I need you to know their names. Sidebar, Jules, please reach out. Hopefully it was something like Pain and Panic, you know?

• 56:43Speaker 03

  That'd be so cute.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, or like Lost and Found, like something so cute. Probably was. Jules sounds awesome.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, wow. I am so, so happy about the end of this story.

• 56:57Speaker 03

  Yay.

• 56:57Speaker 02

  Shit included.

• 57:03Speaker 03

  Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at [email protected]. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679Gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on all social media at HaydenA. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at Defector Media to watch today's episode. Normal Gossip is written by me, Rachel Hampton, and Jay Tolviera. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley-Ricks and Jay Tolviera. Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatzick. Emily Cherish is our video editor. Theme music composed by Rishi Kesh Hirway.

• 57:47Speaker 03

  The co-creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Kelsey McKinney and Defector's supervising producer, Alex SuJong Loughlin. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang is Defector's business guy. Tom Lay is our editor in chief. This season was made in memory of Dan McLeod, who ran our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, David Roth, Catherine Shue, Sabrina Embler, Chris Thompson, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Rado for your help with this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I am your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this from me.