Last Rites and Kia Boys with Nadira Goffe

We invited Nadira Goffe back for a story about a beloved car, a beloved coach, and a run-in with the Kia Boys. But first—trigger warning—Rachelle shares some self-gossip that might make you a tad bit queasy. We are now on YouTube. Be sure to follow us on there at @DefectorMedia https://www.youtube.com/@DefectorMedia where you can watch today’s episode. Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets! https://defector.com/normal-gossip-podcast You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch https://defectorstore.com/collections/normal-gossip or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com https://defector.com/products/normalgossip. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page:https://normalgossip.komi.io/ Episode transcript here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ffXmBaJc3dc8t6UqhOXPRiSo5giH8c7nf8TYkPM0uyo/edit?usp=sharing. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip https://www.instagram.com/normalgossip/, and if you have gossip, email us at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae https://www.instagram.com/heyydnae/?hl=en) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae https://www.instagram.com/seera_sharae/?hl=en) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira https://instagram.com/jaetowlevieira?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==). Our audio engineer is Samantha Gattsek. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Theme music composed by Hrishikesh Hirway. Normal Gossip is a proud member ofRadiotopia https://www.radiotopia.fm/. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices https://dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Oh my god. What? Oh my god.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  Oh wow. Oh my god.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  Oh my god. What? Oh my gosh.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  What?

• 0:12Speaker 02

  Hello and welcome back to season 10 of Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we are going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today's gossip is a Normal Gossip legend at this point. I am so happy to say that today's guest is Nadira Goff. Nadira is a staff writer of culture at Slate. You may know her from her sharp takes on the latest Netflix hit or as a mainstay on our RSS feeds. You also may remember how we traumatized Nadira back in season eight with Perpetual Stu episode. She's done bonus episodes and subscriber episodes with us, and she even flew out to Portland and gossiped with us when we went on tour. So it is probably extremely obvious that she was one of my favorite people to gossip with in all of the world.

• 0:57Speaker 02

  Nadira, hello. Thank you so much for joining me again.

• 1:01Speaker 03

  Thanks for having me again. I'm really excited.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  We are actually in person for the first time in a long time. We can actually like-

• 1:08Speaker 03

  We can hold space.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  We can hold space.

• 1:10Speaker 03

  We can hold space.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:12Speaker 03

  And that's beautiful and necessary, even if it is a dated reference.

• 1:15Speaker 02

  And you know what? It's never too dated for me. So you have been on Normal Gossip a few times at this point. You have given me gossip multiple times. So I'm going to ask you one follow-up question to your previous gossip, and then I'm going to do something that I normally don't do, which is give you and the audience a little bit of gossip about me. So first, does your mom, Nicole, know that you know?

• 1:39Speaker 03

  Okay, so a few people have asked me this, and I don't think so, which is so funny because I know that she listens to my work and she reads my work, but she's never mentioned it, and I've been too scared to ask. I don't know. I feel like if she knew that my 16th birthday party was spoiled, she would have mentioned it by now, which makes me think that she doesn't know. But I'm not poking that bear.

• 2:03Speaker 02

  Wow. I love that we are uncovering gossip once again on this podcast. Just for listeners who do not have the absolute honor of listening to that episode with Nadira, she told us a beautiful story wherein which you relayed to us that your 16th birthday party, which was a surprise for some-

• 2:19Speaker 03

  Theoretically.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  But importantly, not for you.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  Your mom did not know that when you were 16, nor when you told us the story. And seemingly not now either.

• 2:33Speaker 03

  Maybe still not now.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Okay, well, keep us updated. I do want to know.

• 2:39Speaker 03

  If she ever brings it up, maybe if she watches this.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 2:42Speaker 03

  If she ever brings it up, I'll let you know.

• 2:43Speaker 02

  There we go. There we go. Nicole, hi. I'm a big fan of your work. Well, I'm going to do something I never do, which is reveal something about my personal life. So a little bit of lore about me that people are always fascinated to hear is that I also trigger warning here for throw up, vomit, whatever you want to call it. I didn't throw up until I was 22 years old.

• 3:06Speaker 03

  How'd that work?

• 3:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's always the question people have. I don't know.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  It wasn't that I wasn't ill as a child, because I certainly was. I just never had the pleasure of throwing up until I was in my twenties.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  The pleasure.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  The pleasure. And I just didn't drink a lot as a person in college. And so I developed a mild phobia of vomit and then got over that when I got food poisoning. And I'm bringing this up because I recently had the extremely pleasant experience of having neurovirus for the first time.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  And hopefully the last.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Girl.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  I'm so sorry.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  It better be the last time. Yeah, it was a lot. Quite frankly, it was less than 48 hours ago at this point. And so I just really.

• 3:49Speaker 03

  You're still working through it.

• 3:50Speaker 02

  I need to exorcise some demons from my body, clearly. So I thought I simply had food poisoning once again, which for me is usually like a one and done situation. And by one and done, I mean, after I vomited for the first time at 22, I vomited one more time after that at the age of like 27. And this was maybe the third time that I've vomited in my life. So I was like, ah, I'm used to this. I've done this before. And then I was like, no, wait, something else is wrong. I remember having the thought, something evil is in my body right now. And there was just a moment I, where I finished, there's no polite way to say this, shitting my guts out.

• 4:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  Only to flush the toilet, turn around, spew bile, fall to the bathroom floor and think, I'm dying, but I wasn't.

• 4:38Speaker 03

  But still you rise.

• 4:40Speaker 02

  But still I rise. And so I just felt like sharing that story with you because I feel like the last time you were here, I traumatized you with a story of vomit inducing proportions, I would say. And I just, I wanted to even the score between us.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  To let you know that I too traumatized myself. It's not just you.

• 5:03Speaker 03

  That's so funny you say that, though, because not to get all bodily liquid.

• 5:07Speaker 02

  Listen, I started this. We're on a roll. We might as well get here. And I gave a trigger warning.

• 5:12Speaker 03

  And a much more tame version of bodily fluids. I'm someone who is very prone to nosebleeds. I get nosebleeds all the time.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  I used to get them as a kid a lot.

• 5:20Speaker 03

  And I didn't realize until, I don't know, college or meeting other people, that not everyone has that experience and that they actually scare people and they think that something's happening to you because they themselves have never had a nosebleed. And so I had a nosebleed one time because I was studying abroad in England and it was dreary and rainy and cold outside, but in the classroom, it was really warm and dry, which can cause a nosebleed if you're prone to them. And everyone like sitting near my table was like, are you okay? Are you okay?

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Are you okay, love?

• 5:55Speaker 03

  Are you okay? And I was like, I'm, I'm, yeah, girl. This happens to me when I jump off the high dive, which I haven't done since I was 10. I don't know why I said that, but you know, like, it happens. And so, yeah, bodily fluids can scare people. It's happened to me. Now it's happened to you. I'm sorry to welcome you into that club, though.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  I was texting a friend about this and I was like, it was harrowing. It was also bracing in the sense of I definitely went through something.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, I'm happy you're feeling better and I'm happy that we can be here together, holding space.

• 6:25Speaker 02

  So glad that we could be here together, holding space. Yeah. So that's my self gossip, which I usually never provide for you guys. Well, now that I've perhaps traumatized the audience and you.

• 6:37Speaker 03

  Again, but that's okay. That's what I'm here for.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  Are you ready for some gossip?

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  This one's a wild ride.

• 6:49Speaker 04

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• 7:19Speaker 02

  We've been cooking up a fun, special holiday project for y'all over here at Normal Gossip. And usually when work gets crazy, I kind of just try to continue my life like nothing's happening. But recently, thanks to therapy, this time around, I was like, what if I did not try to pour from an empty cup? And that is what growing feels like. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, then I think you should check out today's sponsor, Growth Therapy. Growth Therapy is built for therapy that actually feels like care. You can find therapy based on what matters most to you, like insurance taken, mental health specialties, identity, or night and weekend availability if you're working a lot.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  Book your first session in minutes and you can start in as little as two days. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0, depending on your insurance plan. Prepare for holiday glimmers instead of holiday stress. Visit growtherapy.com/gossip to get started today. That is growtherapy.com/gossip. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. I'm going to admit something embarrassing. I know, shocker. I have not had a bedside lamp for an undisclosed amount of months, long enough that I basically haven't read before bed for a really long time. And I only realized this because I'm hosting a friend and I was like, wow.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  They deserve to have a light by their bed at night. I don't. But this finally inspired me to find the perfect bedside lamp. And I had a vision in mind, Wayfair. They had exactly what I need, which is one of those library style lights with like the green lampshade and little pull cord. I have been having this image in my mind of having one. And now I have one because of course Wayfair had it. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high quality, customer trusted products for your home. So you can host and celebrate without distress. When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 9:33Speaker 05

  Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  So before we get into today's story, I have to ask you a very important question, which is, how do you feel about driving?

• 9:48Speaker 03

  Oh, driving gives me massive anxiety. I drove for my junior and senior year of undergrad. And then I went on one cross country road trip with my best friend in 2018. And I haven't driven since.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 10:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, I moved to England, did grad school, came back, did the pandemic, moved to New York, did public transportation. So I haven't had to drive since then. And thinking about driving makes me want to drive off a cliff.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  I feel a similar way. I feel like I've maybe said before on the show, I do not drive. I do not have a license. I went through driver's ed in high school. I scheduled my little test thrice. My father either forgot or simply had a meeting come up thrice, literally thrice. And after three times, as a 16 year old, I was like,

• 10:44Speaker 03

  You were over it.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  You tell me when you're free. And here I am with no license to speak up. But I feel a similar way. Driving gives me anxiety. I feel like we don't really engage enough with how dangerous it is as a concept. I took an Uber here and I was like, I appreciate. The fact that you are zooming around all these cars and backing up down streets to get me where I'm going. But I'm glad that you're the one behind the wheel and I'm the one back here because I just simply feel like I shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car. It's not good for me or other people. Well, our friend of a friend today is not like us. She is a capital D driver.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  And she has wanted to be this way since she was but a young child.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  Our friend of a friend today is named Dana.

• 11:26Speaker 03

  Shout out Dana, capital D driver.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  And Dana grew up in the middle of nowhere. So basically from the moment she hit puberty, her deepest desire was to own a car. Every time she had to ask her parents for a ride or walk the four miles home from her job at Sonic. She would daydream about how her life would be different when she got her own car. She'd be able to see all of her friends. She'd be able to go to Sephora whenever she wanted, which is also what I thought adulthood was. So when the day finally comes for Dana to buy her own car after years of saving up her Sonic paycheck and a little help from her grandparents. It is legitimately one of the best days of Dana's life. It's her first big adult purchase.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  Like she's 20, but she feels a little bit like three kids in a trench coat when she drives off the lot with her brand new bright blue 2018 Kia Soul.

• 12:13Speaker 03

  Wow, cute. The ads for the Kia Souls back in the day used to really, really cater to our demographic, I think. Like, I really wanted one. They had all those ads about having good speakers and stuff.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  For some reason, I thought the Kia Soul commercial was the one with the hamsters.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  It is. And they had, yes, it is. And then they had, and then they, I think they had like a Kia Soul that had like Beats in it, like Beats speakers in it or something.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  This is ringing a bell.

• 12:39Speaker 03

  And I, and it was really cute. And I was watching TV with my mom once and we saw the ad and she was like, you want that, don't you? And I said, I do. I was a victim to the propaganda. I understand Dana. I do.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  So I, along with not knowing how to drive, also know nothing about cars, um, which becomes a problem when I order an Uber and I'm like, what's a Toyota?

• 12:59Speaker 03

  I don't know any make or model besides a Kia Soul because of the hamster commercial.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  Okay, I was gonna ask, what are your feelings about Dana's choice of car? But it sounds like you support because of the hamster commercial.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Do support knowing absolutely nothing about the quality of the car. If they are bad cars, then I don't support. What I do support is asking someone who knows better what type of car you should buy. Because what's a Honda Odyssey? I couldn't tell you.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  I couldn't tell you.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  I couldn't tell you either.

• 13:27Speaker 03

  Do they still make those? Do backs still hatch? I really couldn't tell you.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  This 2018 bright blue Kia Soul becomes one of Dana's two most important companions in her life. It sees her through relationships and breakups, through college and not just one, but two cross-country moves. This car has stuck with Dana through thick and thin, which is why Dana has named her car Samwise.

• 13:49Speaker 03

  Aww.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  Or Sammy for short.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  Cute.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  It sounds like you get that joke. Can you explain it?

• 13:54Speaker 03

  Lord of the Rings?

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, Lord of the Rings.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 13:57Speaker 03

  If you don't know, go, well, finish this and then go watch Lord of the Rings.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  Spend the next 12 hours of your life watching Lord of the Rings.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  Having second breakfasts or whatever.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Oh, I think all my mental illness would be cured if I could live with a hobbit.

• 14:12Speaker 03

  In the Shire?

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  For her.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Exactly. Uh, for those who aren't familiar and don't have 12 hours of their life to spend, Samwise Gamgee is basically like the definition of a ride or die ass bitch. Like, the ring would not be destroyed without Sam. Frodo is kinda just there.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  He's just there to look pretty.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Those big eyes, blue eyes.

• 14:37Speaker 03

  We love you, Elijah Wood.

• 14:38Speaker 02

  We do. Will you wear wigs?

• 14:45Speaker 02

  So Dana's first most important companion is Samwise the car. Her other most important companion is her girlfriend, Bree. Bree is one of those people who could turn like the most miserable line at the DMV into the best part of six people's week just by being herself. She can do perfect winged eyeliner on the first try.

• 15:05Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 15:06Speaker 02

  I know. Before Bree, Dana's longest relationship was, in fact, with Sammy the car. But at the time that our story takes place, Bree and Dana have been together for two years now, and they are very much in love. This is gonna sound like a non sequitur, but how do you feel about the city of Atlanta?

• 15:25Speaker 03

  Brunch.

• 15:28Speaker 03

  Black people at brunch looking good with some fake foliage on the wall and a DJ that's playing music way too loud when you're trying to eat chicken and waffles. I feel really good about Atlanta. However, I would not live there because of the aforementioned driving anxiety and the fact that they have 1,500 lane highways. Yes, yes. I've been exactly once to Atlanta to see Beyonce. And that sounds incredible. And it was. Um, our friend Dana had not spent a ton of time in Atlanta until Bree, who was an alumnus of Clark Atlanta University. So Bree and Dana spend a couple of weekends a year in Atlanta, visiting Bree's college friends, most of whom Bree met on her college

• 16:12Speaker 03

  track team. This is important for today's story, which takes place in 2024. Dana is 27, so she has been with Sammy the Car for nearly a decade now, and with Bree, her girlfriend, for about two years now. Dana, Bree, and Sammy are all in Atlanta for a funeral. Bree's college track coach had just passed. He was known to everyone simply as Coach, and Coach was like a second dad to all the girls on the team. He always made sure the girls had whatever they needed to do well in school, meals, tutors, the occasional lecture. He was determined to be their family away from home. So as soon as one of Bree's old teammates dropped Coach's obituary in the group chat, Bree immediately made plans to go to the

• 16:54Speaker 03

  funeral. And though Dana had only met Coach a handful of times at home climbing over the years, Dana knew she wanted to go with Bree to the funeral for moral support. Now, this is an important test for Bree and Dana's relationship because this is the first funeral they have been to together. Dana wants to take care of Bree and take as much stress out of the situation as possible. So, you have any advice to Dana on how to be a good girlfriend in this situation? Just listen to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, not what you think they need in that moment, is always the better way to go about things. But also understand that everyone grieves differently. Which includes not only Bree, but Bree's track friends. You don't know how they're gonna be feeling, how they're gonna be reacting.

• 17:38Speaker 03

  You don't know how she's gonna be feeling, how she's gonna be reacting. There's a lot of emotions. It's a really heavy time. So just, you know, go in with an understanding and open mind and heart.

• 17:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's really good advice.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  And eat the food at the repass.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  So, the morning of the funeral, which starts at 1:00 PM, Dana makes sure to get Bree breakfast. And while Bree is getting ready, Dana decides to get the car started, get the AC pumping. It's a hot day, it's Atlanta, and Dana doesn't want Bree to have to worry about like sweating off her makeup on the drive over. But when Dana goes out to the driveway of the Airbnb, she realizes that her car, her beloved Sammy, is missing. Before we move on, I must ask, have you ever heard the phrase, Kia Boys?

• 18:24Speaker 03

  This feels like, like, yes, but no. I feel like it's ringing a very, very distant bell. But I'm also like, I don't know that I want that bell to be rung. And so I'm scared, but I'm going to ask for a refresher.

• 18:41Speaker 02

  I can give you that. I can give you that. During the pandemic, there were a huge number of social media challenges.

• 18:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  I knew this would come back to you.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  The issue is you spend so much time covering the internet, you're like, what are they doing now?

• 18:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:55Speaker 02

  During the pandemic, there were a huge number of social media challenges, most of them dancing, circulating amongst all the bored children. In late 2021, the Kia Boys began going viral on TikTok because some teenagers discovered a security flaw in some Kias and Hyundai's that made them really easy to hotwire and steal.

• 19:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  So of course, these bored children decided to record themselves doing just that, posting the results everywhere, which caused a cascade of other bored children to hotwire Kias too. And they became known as the Kia Boys.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  Girls can hotwire Kias too.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  You're right.

• 19:31Speaker 03

  Wait, hold on. Hold on.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  They can, but I don't think they would post it on social media for everyone to see. This is a boy activity.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  But let's, you know.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  Girls can do primes too.

• 19:44Speaker 03

  Equal opportunity.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  So Dana is dismayed that her car has been stolen, but she's actually not that surprised. In fact, Dana has been preparing for this moment for years.

• 19:56Speaker 03

  Oh, preparing hell.

• 19:58Speaker 02

  Well, way back in 2021, when the Kia boys first started making waves, Dana stashed an air tag under the mat in Sammy's backseat just in case the day came when she would need to go Liam Neeson mode and get Sammy back.

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Hell, yeah.

• 20:13Speaker 02

  She has a very specific set of skills. So the moment Dana sees her car is gone, she is hit by a rush of adrenaline. Dana's like, I know what I have to do.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  I've dreamed about this moment so many times. My mind and body have been preparing for this exact scenario. All of a sudden, she just like has a Glock and she just cocked it back. Like, I'm ready.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  Suddenly, she has a gun. Without a second thought, Dana opens her phone, goes to the Find My app, and sure enough, the air tag is on the other side of town. So you're Dana. You've got a funeral to go to. Your car has been stolen, but you know where it is. What do you do?

• 20:52Speaker 03

  Oh, this is tough. What I would do? I would have someone I could call to say, someone stole my car. I gotta go to a funeral. I know where it is. Can you go check this out for me? But if you don't, if it's just you, I just feel as though Sammy, we love him, but he is, he was a decade old as a car. This is your girlfriend. She's going through something a little bit very traumatic. Not a little bit. She's grieving. This was like a mentor to her, another parental figure. You gotta go to the funeral. Does that mean that your car might be taken apart and shipped off somewhere by then? Yes, but also if you know where it is, you can file the police report later.

• 21:37Speaker 03

  Like, there are adult things you can do, but human life is really important, and it's important to honor it, and it's important to be with your loved ones and support them. And so I would say that you should just go to the funeral. But I would be lying if I didn't say that a part of me is kind of like, no, like I'm anthropologically, I'm trying to see something. Like, where's my car?

• 22:00Speaker 02

  I'm trying to see where my car is.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, right at this moment, Bree steps out of the Airbnb. Dana's like, okay, babe, I've got good news and I've got bad news. Bad news is Sammy's been stolen. Good news is... I know where he's at. We can go get her.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  We?

• 22:23Speaker 02

  And Dana shows Bree the little dot on her phone moving around on the other side of Atlanta. Bree's like, hold on, let's pump the brake. She's like, I know how much you love your car, but maybe we should call the police before we just go in guns blazing without a gun.

• 22:43Speaker 02

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• 23:28Speaker 02

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• 24:30Speaker 06

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• 24:54Speaker 02

  Dana's like, you know what, Fair? Got a little caught up in the moment. Got a little lost in the sauce.

• 24:59Speaker 03

  Got a little Liam Neeson with it.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  And we do have somewhere important to be in less than an hour. So Bree calls the police on speakerphone, who are not that helpful. Their only suggestion is to come down to the police station to report the car missing. Dana's like, well, that would be hard to do since we don't have a car to get to the police station and we have a funeral to attend. And the operator's like, my condolences. But we can't do anything else until you report the car missing. Once the report's been filed, we'll see if we can find it. Dana's like, well, actually, I don't need your help finding it. I know exactly where it is. We just need someone to go check out the location on the air tag and get my car back. The operator's like, we can't send anybody out until you file a police report. Do you need the address for the police station? So you have a few options.

• 25:46Speaker 02

  You can get a ride to the police station and report your car missing. You can get a ride to the location on your air tag in an Uber. You can go to the funeral and figure this out later since you don't want to be the drama when you're supposed to be moral support for your girlfriend. So what do you do?

• 26:03Speaker 03

  I would go to the funeral and then go to the police station after the funeral. And now I know I said you should eat the food at the repass.

• 26:11Speaker 03

  But you could skip the repass and go to the police station and report your car missing. I don't think going now would get the police to act any quicker. In most normal circumstances, it does not get them to react any quicker. What I might have done is I might have been like, I might have lied and been like, no, I need you to do a wellness check.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  Oh, someone's in danger. There's a child in the backseat of the car.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  Exactly. Because then they would, they would be a little, they would have a little more gumption, a little tap in their step. But I can't also say that I recommend that legally. So, you know, but I think at this point. I would go to the funeral, go to the police station after the funeral, skip the repass, be like, hey babe, I know this is your time. Could you make me a plate? And, and then figure it out from there.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  Dana's also like, kind of in the same mindset. Like every cell in her body is screaming for her to go get her baby. But her other baby is standing right in front of her, dressed for a funeral. And like ultimately cars are replaceable and people only die once. So Dana decides she's got to do right by her girlfriend. On this day, she will not be the drama. So she's like, it's fine. We will go report the car missing after the funeral. But they still need a ride to the funeral. So at first they're trying to call an Uber, but they can't find a ride for less than $75.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  Atlanta, what's going on? That's upsetting to my spirit. That would piss me off.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  Like I'm really, like I'm already sad. I go to a funeral, they stole my car. Sorry, I'm getting really angry.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  Because I'm laughing because I'm actually so heated about that. If I opened my phone and saw that, I would have broken something.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. So Bree calls one of her former teammates who lives in Atlanta.

• 28:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  Tiffany. Tiffany was a shot putter back in the day. And Tiffany was the person on the team who was known to always be down to clown. She was also the one who was known for showing up late.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  She was down to clown, so she would come. But she gonna come late? That's the, those are the options?

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Well, Bree's like, if there's anyone on the team who has not left to go to the funeral yet.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  I see. Then it would be her. Okay, okay, I see. That's smart, that's smart.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  And she's right. Tiffany's in the middle of her makeup when Bree calls.

• 28:38Speaker 03

  In the middle?

• 28:41Speaker 03

  Like what step? Like are we, like have we finished contouring?

• 28:47Speaker 02

  Has blush been applied?

• 28:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, what is, do we just have lip liner left? Like, have the brows been filled and gelled? Like, what is the, okay?

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Tiffany's like, I'll come pick you up. Don't worry, just send me the address. Bree's like, thank you so much, girl. I appreciate you. And then she's like, Tiff, please be on time. You know, I plan to say a few words at the funeral. Tiffany's like, don't worry, I'll see you in 20. Do you think they will see Tiffany in 20?

• 29:15Speaker 03

  Hell, no. Tiffany is around the corner in the black way, which is in the middle of her makeup, hasn't contoured yet. Girl, if you're speaking at the funeral, you pay the 70 something dollars and just hope that that good karma comes back to you some way, somehow. Like, you cannot be playing with the procession of events if you are the event, like.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  That's fair.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  That's fair. But not everybody got it. I understand, but I'm just saying there are certain situations where your back is really against the wall. And unfortunately, you have to rely on your contingency plans.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:53Speaker 03

  And that was one of them. However, they rocking with Tiffany. Tiffany gonna show up 45 minutes late.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Forty-five minutes later.

• 30:01Speaker 03

  And that's, and that's blackmail.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Forty-five minutes later.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  Tiffany pulls up to Bree and Dana's Airbnb. This is just enough time for Dana's inner Nancy Drew to start screaming to be let out. Like, she has constantly been checking the air tag location. So it's while Tiffany is driving that Dana realizes they're gonna pass right by where her car is on the way to the funeral, super casually, like, so casually. Dana's like, looks like my car is right on the way. What if we just?

• 30:37Speaker 03

  Drove past.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Swing by and grab it. At this point, it is about 12:45 PM. The funeral's supposed to start at 1:00. Although, one thing I maybe have not made clear yet, which you maybe may have guessed from the fact that Coach was a coach at Clark Atlanta University, is that this is a black funeral being held at a lovely little Pentecostal church.

• 30:54Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Um, do you have any experience with black funerals?

• 30:58Speaker 03

  Yes and no, not of the Southern Pentecostal variety. I'm from Philly. My family was raised Muslim, so I think that experience is a little bit different. And then my Jamaican side of the family doesn't have funerals. They have celebrations of life. You know what I mean? So I'm going to actually be real and say, I don't think so. Lots of, lots of experience of black weddings, but I don't think I've experienced this particular type of black funeral. I've certainly experienced black funerals, but this particular type maybe only once or twice. Yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 02

  Okay. Well, in your experience through, I guess, other people's recalling or just general lore, how would you describe our people's relationship to timeliness? When it comes to events such as this?

• 31:47Speaker 03

  Well, it has its own abbreviation, which I think is all you need to know.

• 31:52Speaker 03

  And that's not even funeral relevant. It don't matter if somebody's getting married or buried. My aunt was late to her own wedding. But I say all this to say, time for us is a construct because we've spent so many generations struggling, you know, that why should time matter? Like, why should anyone else's schedule matter? When we are finally free? You know what I mean?

• 32:12Speaker 02

  Amen. Let the church say amen.

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Amen. Won't he do it?

• 32:18Speaker 02

  Right, so the funeral is supposed to start at one. But when Bree texts her teammate to see what the vibe is, they're like, girl, we're not starting for another 45 minutes.

• 32:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  One of Bree's teammate texts a photo of the funeral program to the chat, so Bree can see that before reflections and remarks from family and friends, there is an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, a prayer of comfort, a musical selection.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  I love black people.

• 32:45Speaker 02

  And then resolutions and acknowledgements, followed finally by reflections and remarks.

• 32:51Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  And Bree is listed as the fourth person out of five to give remarks.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  Oh, so she's at the very end? Oh, okay. They could have gone and gotten the car.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  So when Dana is like, what if we just took a little detour?

• 33:04Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  Okay, but they still have no weapons. They still don't know what they're walking into. Once again, they need to approach this anthropologically, from an observing perspective first. Then they can decide to be actionable about it. But knowing all of that, I too would be like, we can drive by. I'm not gonna promise you I'll stop. I'm gonna slow down, lay some eyes on the situation.

• 33:28Speaker 02

  Bree's eyes. She knows how important Sammy is to Dana. And they've got an hour minimum before she's due to start talking. So Bree is like, if Tiff is cool with it, it's fine. We can do a drive by. We have to be in and out. And to Dana's delight, Tiffany is immediately like, hell, yeah, let's go get your motherfucking car.

• 33:50Speaker 03

  Of course she is.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  So they pull up to the block where Dana's car is supposed to be. Dana can like feel her heart pounding out of her chest. She has imagined this hundreds of times. But now that she's here, she's realizing she never actually got to the part of the dream where she made a plan for this part. So what would your plan be?

• 34:11Speaker 03

  Okay, well, my plan would first be to Google if you can still normally drive a car that's been hotwired. Truly, maybe cutting wires and shit. I don't know how that works. I would like to assume that I could just click, click, open on the gas and drive away. But what if that's not the case? I wouldn't know. So I would Google that first. I would. And maybe because it's slightly embarrassing, I would Google on incognito mode. And then I would make sure I had the keys. And I would make sure I have pepper spray at least. But I do think my truly, my plan would be we are going to slow this car down to a crawl and truly scope out the situation, maybe not even get out the car.

• 34:56Speaker 03

  Unless it's like, okay, Sammy's right there. I could just click, click and then get in, right? But if there's people loitering around, if it's an area where, you know, like if it seems like we can't just hop on in the car and drive away, I probably would not stop, knowing that I don't have any weapons or any people with me that I know always have weapons. Because you always need to have at least one of them.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  I think that's a great plan.

• 35:23Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  You covered all the bases.

• 35:25Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 35:25Speaker 02

  That's also how I would approach this.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  So Tiffany's circling the block where the air tag last pinged from. And at first, they don't see anything. The three girls circle the block a few times just to make sure. And Dana's at the point where she's starting to feel a little guilty about this detour. She's like, y'all got a funeral to go to. She's about to be like, ah, well, we tried, when all of a sudden, they see it. I'm not sure if you watched any of the Kia Boys videos. They're all literally insane.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:52Speaker 02

  Most of these kids are too young to have a driver's license. So boosting the cars isn't actually about the car. It's about the joyride and also the views. So as you can imagine, these kids are whipping the wheel back and forth, bobbing and weaving across the street as they shoot past our girls. This is Mad Max Fury Road. The car is overflowing with people. There are at least six kids in there, possibly more. The license plates have been ripped off and there is something wrong with the driver's side door, but the car is unmistakably Dana. She's like, I would know Sammy anywhere.

• 36:26Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

• 36:28Speaker 02

  So, what do you do?

• 36:30Speaker 03

  What do I do?

• 36:31Speaker 02

  What do you do?

• 36:32Speaker 03

  I take some photos and some videos. Man, I send that to the police.

• 36:40Speaker 03

  I don't have a weapon. And, okay, this is Mad Max. I don't have the silver chrome spray shit either. I'm not huffing and puffing.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  I don't have anything to bolster me against, against the YNs.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  Like, I don't have, I don't have that. Like, you know, like, I don't.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  You cannot just enter that situation. Yeah, I would need both. I would need a gun and the chrome shit from Mad Max. Like, yeah. But, once again, because we arrived there anthropologically for research, we take photos. We write down anything, like, house addresses, anything nearby, how many people, what did they look like? We take as much evidence as we possibly can. And then we go to the funeral, still arrive. 20 minutes before everybody else. And then after the funeral, while everyone's eating at the repast, then we go and give that evidence to the police, who will surely do nothing. But at least after everything's said and done, you could probably get some money for it. You know, and I know it's sad, but like it's a car.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  Sammy's already damaged as well. You don't even know if you can like, yeah, no, it's just too much.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Dana's like, oh, my God, that's her. That's Sammy. Tiffany is like, say less. She immediately busts a U-turn and starts following Sammy. But at a little bit of a distance.

• 38:03Speaker 03

  I kind of forgot Tiffany crazy. I love her, though. Okay, sorry, continue.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  They're at a little bit of a distance, just in case one of the Kia boys spots them. As they're following them, Bree calls the police station again and is like, hello, I just called about a stolen vehicle. We're now following the car.

• 38:22Speaker 03

  They don't have a report, baby. They can't do anything about that.

• 38:26Speaker 02

  Bree starts naming the cross streets to give the police a sense of where they are. And the operator goes, didn't you just call? And Bree is like, yes. And the operator is like, ma'am, I told you to come into the station and file a police report, not be Inspector Gadget.

• 38:41Speaker 03

  She's not even Inspector Gadget. She don't even got a little handy dandy tool. She doesn't have anything. Here is, once again, where you lie. You said, well, it's not even a lie. You say kids are driving recklessly. I think they're going to hurt somebody. They could run into someone or something. I need you to come. You gotta start lying, y'all. You gotta start lying. Like, if you, if you really want people to do what you want them to do expeditiously, you need to make it their problem and not just your problem.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  Bree's like, we can literally see someone driving our car. Can you come help us? And the operator is like, no, that's not something we can do. We can't help you file a police report, though.

• 39:22Speaker 03

  Once again, I would be so pissed off.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  This is like the worst day known to man.

• 39:29Speaker 02

  No, literally. At this point, it is abundantly clear that Bree is pissed. And for a moment, Dana is afraid that Bree is upset with her for getting them going on all of this. Dana is getting ready to be like, let's just go to the funeral. I'm sorry for sending us on this wild goose chase. When Bree is like, this is fucking bullshit. This is where my taxes go to? Tiffany's like, you don't pay taxes here, bitch. So Bree's like, this is where Tiffany's taxes go to.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, Bree. We're not about to engage in a car chase. There is a man in a casket right now.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  So it's now a little after 1:30 PM. What's your next move?

• 40:11Speaker 03

  Go to the funeral. I know that you're speaking last, but like, you're there to honor someone who was very important to you. All of these things, yes, funerals are long. Yes, they have a lot of moving parts. But all of these things are in honor of his life. And we are not fucking MI6. We're not spies. We're not agents. Do you even know how to do a car chase? You know what I'm saying? Like, on the 1,500-lane highways in Atlanta? I don't think so. Like, I think we go to the funeral respectfully. I think we go to the police station after the funeral. I think we give whoever was talking to us on the phone like that a stank-ass look and attitude as we file our police report.

• 40:55Speaker 03

  And we slap it down on the counter like, here, fine. Oh, honeys, I think that's the most we do.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  I will say, that is exactly how I would expect an operator from Atlanta to speak to me in my time of need.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  That's how I expect any operator to speak to me in my time of need. And this is what we call like emotional regulation.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  You're right.

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Because if I'm prepared for it, then I can't get too mad at you. I can only get mad at myself for being mad when I knew it was gonna happen.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  Hmm, hmm, wow, powerful. Tiffany continues to tell the boys in Dana's Kia. As Bree texts the group chat like, how much time do we have before reflections? One of the roommates texts back like, they just started the Old Testament reading. Which, if you recall,

• 41:37Speaker 03

  was the very first thing.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  Is followed by

• 41:40Speaker 03

  The New Testament reading.

• 41:40Speaker 02

  A New Testament reading, a prayer of comfort, a musical selection, resolutions and acknowledgements, and then finally reflections and remarks. So Bree is trying to calculate how much time she has left. She's doing girl math in her head. When they see the Kia boys pull into an alley.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  Famously, only good things have ever happened in alleys.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Tiffany slows down as they're passing the alley. Just enough to see that The Kia is stopped way down at the end and that the alley comes to a dead end. So on the far side of this alley that ends at a dead end is a dumpster and a chain link fence. And it's important to know that it is the middle of the afternoon in Atlanta and this alley is somehow dark. Tiffany parks where they can see the entrance to the alley. And Bree is like, okay, maybe now that we can see the car and that it's stopped, we should try calling the police again just to be safe.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Just to be safe, they're not coming.

• 42:41Speaker 02

  Do you think this time will be different?

• 42:43Speaker 03

  No. Free yourselves.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  This is so, no, you can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results, baby. That's just not how that works.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  The definition of insanity.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  It is. It's someone's definition of insanity at least. I personally feel as though what you've described is a very good movie scenario where I can see them getting out the car, hopping up the dumpster, onto the dumpster, and then escaping over the fence. And then at that point, it's like you're chasing kids over fences and shit. I just, that's never worked out well in the movies and I don't see why it would work out well in real life.

• 43:25Speaker 02

  Well, this time, when the girls call and explain the situation, the operator is like, wait, you can actually see the missing vehicle? And the girls are like, yes. And the operator is like, okay, stay right there. Don't leave. We'll send an officer out.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  Wow, it is different this time. And she was wrong.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  Well.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  Dana and Bree and Tiffany wait and they wait and they wait. They're just taking turns watching the entrance of the alley and looking around for the police, but no one is showing up. Not the police, not the Kia boys, no one. Bree texts the group chat like, okay, where on the program are we at now? One of her teammates is like, they're just finishing up the altar call. Bree's like, altar call? Do we miss the whole funeral? And then another teammate texts back like, girl, no, the reverend was supposed to be doing the prayer of comfort and then it turned into a mini sermon and then an altar call.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  We still haven't played any Kirk Franklin yet.

• 44:17Speaker 02

  Now with this digression, there are two things ahead of where Bree is scheduled to give remarks. The musical selection, resolutions and acknowledgements, and then reflections and remarks from family and friends. And remember, Bree is the second to last person out of five to give remarks. Keeping in mind, the remarks are technically limited to two minutes.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Two minutes. Black people in two minutes of remarks? Yeah, no.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Keeping that in mind, how much time do you think our girls have?

• 44:44Speaker 03

  They still have at least like another, his eye ain't even on the sparrow yet. They still have at least like another forty-five minutes at least because she's fourth out of five in remarks. Those first three remarks alone are gonna at least be fifteen minutes at, at least.

• 45:02Speaker 02

  Bree ends up calling the police again to get an ETA for the police officer that is supposedly coming. And the operator refuses to provide one. Bree's like, we need to get to the funeral and we've told you where the car is. Do you have enough information to retrieve the car? Like, can we go? And their operator says, if you leave, we'll have to tow the vehicle. And then Dana will have to do some paperwork to prove that it's her vehicle, which could take either a few hours or a couple of days, especially since neither Dana or Bree are residents of Atlanta. And at this point Dana is over. She's like, fuck this shit, I have my keys. No one seems to be in the car. Dana's like, I'm just gonna steal my car back and then we're going to the funeral. We've already wasted enough time. Bree is like, babe, what if it's not safe?

• 45:47Speaker 02

  Sammy was full of teenagers, full of twelve teenage boys. And Dana's like, I don't care. I would fight a dozen teenagers with my bare hands.

• 45:56Speaker 03

  In Atlanta?

• 45:59Speaker 03

  Oh, no, honey. There are places you fight a dozen teenagers. Atlanta ain't one of them.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  So Bree and Dana, they get out of Tiffany's car. They start walking toward the alley. Tiffany is following behind them in her car. And as Bree and Dana enter the alley, Tiffany starts playing Nuck If You Buck so loud.

• 46:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, we knocking and bucking and ready to fight.

• 46:24Speaker 02

  Tiffany's speakers are buzzing. As Bree and Dana approach the car, there's no sign of anybody else in the alley. Dana's like, okay, I'm going in. So while Bree stands guard, Dana approaches Sammy, who looks empty, though Dana can see that the handle on Sammy's driver's side door has been completely ripped off. So she enters the car through the passenger side, which is unlocked. Her precious car is full of trash and hot cheeto dust.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  Not the dust. You ain't even leave me any cheetos. It's just the, it's just bags and dust.

• 46:56Speaker 02

  And Sammy absolutely reeks of pot smoke.

• 46:59Speaker 03

  Of course. Oh, poor Sammy. Poor Sammy.

• 47:02Speaker 02

  And all around the steering wheel, all Dana can see is exposed wires. And worst of all, as you correctly noted, the ignition part is just dangling.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  See, and this is why you Google search these things. And even if you're embarrassed about it, you Google search on incognito mode because I've seen movies, they cut shit. Why would I just assume that I could drive a car that's wires have been pulled out?

• 47:27Speaker 03

  God, no. I hate being right when I go on the show.

• 47:32Speaker 02

  Like Dana has no idea how exactly she's gonna turn her car on to drive away. So we're almost at the end of our story. You've been right so far. How are you feeling?

• 47:44Speaker 03

  I'm scared and all of this for a car that you knew was going to have issues and damage anyway. But most of all, I think I am pissed at the operator.

• 48:00Speaker 03

  At the police station. And at a certain point, I would have pulled up every song that had ETA in it. Justin Bieber's ETA, ETA by New Jeans. And I would have blasted them through the phone, like, when are you coming? Because you promised, after your stank attitude, you promised. And you tried to clown me for that shit, but you were wrong. Because there was something you could do about it. And then you promised you could come do something and then you wouldn't do it. And that, ooh, once again, this is the worst day ever.

• 48:29Speaker 02

  Um, honestly, Dana's kind of in the same space as you are now. She's panicking. She's overwhelmed.

• 48:34Speaker 03

  I wouldn't say that I'm panicking.

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Dana's panicking, to be clear.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  Tiffany shouts down the alley from her car. She's like, are y'all good? Dana is like, the ignition is hanging out. I gotta figure out how to start it. Bree's texting the group chat like, okay, have we missed the whole thing? And one of the teammate responds, girl, you're good. The spirit hit the organist during the musical selection. The saints started shouting. Another teammate texts back, yeah, I stepped out real quick. I'm at the drive thru at Wendy's. They praying too much.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  Another teammate says, y'all, y'all got time. Don't worry.

• 49:13Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  So Dana starts Googling, how to steal ignition on a 2018 Kia Soul? I can't tell you whether or not she used incognito mode. I'm sorry.

• 49:25Speaker 03

  I'm getting flashbacks to the last time we were recording this show. And I said something to the effect of, when I said that, I meant do it multiple hours ago into the story. Top of the story even. Why are you Googling shit right now?

• 49:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, unfortunately Dana's also not getting a whole lot of help from the search results. So she then decides to Google, how to steal a 2018 Kia Soul.

• 49:51Speaker 03

  That's already been stolen? How to re-hotwire a hotwired car?

• 49:55Speaker 02

  Well, these are the magic words.

• 49:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:57Speaker 02

  This is how Dana finds the video she needs, which is basically a tutorial for how to steal her own car. We're not going to get into the specifics of that tutorial. We're not that kind of show.

• 50:06Speaker 03

  For legal reasons.

• 50:07Speaker 02

  But Dana and Bree realized from watching the tutorial that they need a phone charger. Dana doesn't have one. Bree doesn't have one. But glory of all glories, Tiffany has one. She taps into those shot putting skills and she tosses it down the alley. Dana uses the phone charger to turn like a small piece of the ignition mechanism. And glory of glories, it works. Sammy starts right back up. Bree gets in the car, they back out of the alley, and they finally start heading over to the funeral.

• 50:39Speaker 03

  I'm expecting something bad to still happen.

• 50:41Speaker 02

  Well, on the way to the church, Bree is like, should we call the police to let them know we are now in possession of the car? Because if the police pull us over because of the missing license plates, they might think the car is stolen and that will be a whole other set of problems. Dana is like, fine, we can call them, but we aren't making any additional stops. We're going to this fucking funeral. At this point, they are close to two hours late and Bree still needs to give her remarks. When Bree calls the police again, the operator asks them to come down to the station and Bree's like, but we don't need your help anymore. But the operator is like, no, you need to come in and file a report.

• 51:13Speaker 03

  They do still need to file a report.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  Well, what do you do?

• 51:16Speaker 03

  Well, no, I go to the funeral. Like I've been saying many times throughout this whole story. I go to the funeral, but they do still need to file the report. But no, it need not be right now. They do need to get Bree to the remarks.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  Dana is like, screw this shit. Screw them. Screw the operator. We're not going down to the station right now. We're gonna park the car in the church parking lot. We'll attend the funeral. We'll ride with Tiffany to the burial site and then we'll come back, retrieve the card during the repast, and then we will file a report. By the time Dana, Bree and Tiffany arrive at the funeral and they sneak into the sanctuary, there are only two people ahead of Bree in the program. So you'd be excused for thinking that they got there with only four minutes to spare.

• 51:57Speaker 03

  No, like I said, at least 15 minutes each, at least.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  25 minutes later.

• 52:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:03Speaker 02

  It is finally Bree's turn to give remarks.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:06Speaker 02

  After Bree gives her remarks, which only take her about five minutes.

• 52:09Speaker 03

  I was, I was gonna ask how long hers were.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  They're at the funeral for another hour and a half before they even make it to the burial site. While the repast word starts to spread around about Dana's car being stolen and her stealing it back. And by word starts to spread, I mean Tiffany starts telling the story to literally everyone in sight. So people start coming up to Dana and asking to hear all the details. Someone, Uncle, comes up, a guy who works in probation for the county. He's like, so I heard you're boosting cars now. Dana's like, no, what? It, it, it's my car. Can't boost your own car? Bree's just laughing. Someone's kid comes up being like, yo, can you teach me what you did? And that is basically the end of our story. I do have a couple of updates for you. But first I want to ask, do you think the Kia boys are the villains here or just bored children?

• 52:55Speaker 03

  I don't see why they can't be both. Like I don't, those are not mutually exclusive. Children can be villains, especially bored ones. And I do think they are the villain here. However, Miss Girl at the police station, I would like to have words. Like, I'm in a dire moment and everything has pissed me off today. I had to sit in Cheeto dust while I drove back to a funeral that I was late to, but also wasn't actually that late to. And you had the nerve to make me assurances that something couldn't happen when it actually could. And then when you assured me it could happen, it actually didn't. And you were rude all the way through. And I understand you probably have a hard life. You are probably a wonderful mom.

• 53:39Speaker 03

  And maybe you have a teen that's stressing you out and boosting Kias, but. A little compassion, a little kindness. Like, everyone's life is hard, but girl, why you try to make mine harder? This is a hard day.

• 53:51Speaker 02

  It's real. It's real. It's real. Um, well, the first update is that there's someone at Coach's funeral who works with the city. And when the story of Dana and Bree's heist gets to her, she gives Dana a direct number to the police station to report what happened. And surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly, when using the direct line, the police are actually pretty helpful.

• 54:10Speaker 03

  And this is when I said, always eat at the repass.

• 54:12Speaker 02

  So the police provide Dana with everything she needs to get the repairs taken care of with her insurance company. And she has the dealership fix a security flaw on Sammy. And the second update is that Dana and Bree are now engaged.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  Yay. I love love.

• 54:27Speaker 02

  They did have to say goodbye to dear Sammy.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  Of course, they did.

• 54:33Speaker 03

  Sammy's guts were out. He was geriatric and his guts were out. They did. But fallen comrade, that is very sad. Shout out Sammy.

• 54:45Speaker 02

  Before their engagement, Bree Googled most difficult cars to break into. And this is how Dana ends up receiving a Volvo as an engagement present.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  I thought you were gonna say Honda Odyssey. I was like, wow, who knew?

• 54:57Speaker 03

  I don't know anything about a Honda Odyssey.

• 55:02Speaker 02

  Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at [email protected]. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on all social media at HeyDanae. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at Defector Media to watch today's episode. Normal Gossip is written by me, Rachel Hampton, and Jay Tolviera. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley-Ricks and Jay Tolviera. Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatzic. Emily Cherish is our video editor. Theme music composed by Rishi Kesh Hirway.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  The co-creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Kelsey McKinney and Defector's supervising producer Alex SuJong Loughlin. Justin Alice is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang is Defector's business guy. Tom Lay is our editor in chief. This season was made in memory of Dan McLeod, who ran our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, David Roth, Catherine Chu, Sabrina Embler, Chris Thompson, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Rado for your help with this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this from me.