444: Dwarves: Ortnit Wit

🗡️Ortnit has it all. The strength of twelve men. A secret, super lineage. A dwarven sword and unbreakable armor. The question is, what is he going to do with it? Start a war to try to date a princess? Start a war to try to date a princess! 😈 The Creature: Tarasque If it looks like a Bowser, bites like a Bowser, and scratches like a Bowser, it's either a Bowser or it's the Tarasque. If it sings like a Bowser then it's probably a Jack Black. --- 📖 The Book! Myths and Legends has our first book coming out on December 1st! FOR THE KING is a comprehensive retelling of Arthurian legend, focused on humanity and written for the modern age. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book, and preorders are a massive help to us. Check it out here: https://myths.link/preorder 🔗 Links: Disclaimer: https://myths.link/444 Membership: https://www.mythpodcast.com/membership Myths and Legends YouTube:https://myths.link/youtube 💬 Social: Discord: https://myths.link/discord Instagram: https://myths.link/instagram Bluesky: https://myths.link/bluesky --- 📢 Sponsors BetterHelp: Today's episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/myths. Home Chef: For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box PLUS free dessert for life! Go to https://homechef.com/myths. Mint Mobile: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://mintmobile.com/legends. Wayfair: Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get five percent back on every purchase. Head to https://wayfair.com https://wayfair.com/ or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. --- 🎵 Music Credits Didion by Blue Dot Sessions Corner at Mirabel by Blue Dot Sessions Gilbert by Breakmaster Cylinder World 4 - Trees by Breakmaster Cylinder Pixelwash Synthwaves by Breakmaster Cylinder Sequin Lobster by Breakmaster Cylinder

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Quick disclaimer, there's a very brief mention of sexual assault on today's episode. Please see the post on mythpodcast.com for more info. This time, on Myths and Legends, it's the story of the legendary hero Ortnit and his deal with the dwarves. We'll see the virtues of tackling children on a nice walk, because you're the hero, and how you might think dating is difficult, but you probably haven't had to engineer an 18-month siege to do so. The creature this time is not Bowser, but is the most Bowser-like monster I've ever talked about on this podcast.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  This is Myths and Legends, episode 444, Ortnit Wit.

• 0:48Speaker 00

  This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins, and others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen. We told the story of Dietrich of Berne and the dwarf Loren back in episode 292, Dwarf Fortress, and I offhandedly ended the episode with, "Hey, if you want to hear more about this guy, let me know." I've actually received kind of a lot of requests for more of those stories. That led to me diving into the legends and discovering this rich tapestry of just the weirdest guys. We'll get back to Dietrich of Berne, but the story doesn't start with him. It starts with his grandfather,

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Wolf Dietrich. Wolf Dietrich's story ties into another one, which, even though it's one of the first stories we've told on this podcast, and to call the quality iffy is an insult to iffy things everywhere, it does remain one of the most popular stories on here: the saga of the Volssungs, or the Nibelungenland. That story helped to inspire parts of Lord of the Rings. Anyway, today, we're not telling the story of Dietrich of Berne, or even Wolf Dietrich, but we're going even farther back, to a world of dwarves, giants, and heroes. We're actually going all the way back to creation, but not the first creation, a patch that was applied in the early Middle Ages to help all of us humans out.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  "So, creation's going well?" one angel said to the other. The other looked up from his desk. "Was that for real?" "Okay, maybe it was the fourth century. Going well is a very relative term. Is it going well compared to the third century, where the world was in crisis? Maybe. But whole kingdoms and empires are being annihilated. There's chaos everywhere. Invading armies of hungry people pushed to the fringes for too long are coming for blood. And I've seen the trailer for this thing coming up with the working title of The Dark Ages, which doesn't sound great." "It wasn't for real. It was rhetorical," the other angel said. "People are in need, and we've decided to throw in a couple more creations to help them out."

• 3:09Speaker 00

  The folder hit the desk and slid. The working angel flipped it open. "Dwarves?" He felt a little uncomfortable. "That's not an okay term, actually. If your supervisor was referring to people of short stature, they exist. They're not a new creation. They're people." "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. It's not. These are totally different. These are supernatural beings we're gonna make. We're gonna start out in the Germanic regions, but then, who knows? Maybe we'll go wide with them." "Okay, they look really cool. Muscles, long hair, beards. Though I realize it kind of describes a lot of people in Europe at this time, but how are they gonna help people?"

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  the angel said as he mulled over the folder. "Oh, well, some of us noticed that humans were relieving a lot of God's gifts in the ground." The supervisor angel laughed. "So, we're gonna make these to find them and mine them out." "Oh, gifts like medicine and education and empathy?" the angel at the desk asked. The other angel laughed. "Good one. No, gold, silver, jewels, magic stones, and rings? How are those gonna help people? How do you think people are gonna pay for medicine, education, and empathy?" the supervisor angel asked. "I just think that maybe the golden jewels will end up in the hands of the people who

• 4:36Speaker 00

  are already hoarding all the money and power, and we'll be right back where we started." the angel at the desk said. "And I just think that you should do your job," the supervisor angel stated. "Just get started on those dwarves." "Thanks." A few months later, Supervisor Angel returned. Well, Assistant Supervisor Angel was wrong. The rich didn't get richer. Well, they did, but not because of the dwarves, because the dwarves kept dying to monsters and robbers. "Why are there monsters?" Assistant Supervisor Angel asked, but that wasn't why the other had come to him. "We need something to protect the dwarves as they mine. We're thinking

• 5:18Speaker 00

  the opposite. Instead of smaller and smart, we're thinking big and, well, let's just say, incurious. Giants. You're gonna make some giants now." The angel at the desk could see where this was going, but it was not like speaking up would help anyway. A few months after that, the beleaguered Supervisor Angel, now on probation, returned. His suit was wrinkly and his eyes were ringed. Okay, so giants were not the panacea they all thought. "Oh?" the angel looked up. "The giants turned on the dwarves almost immediately, killing even more of them than the monsters and the thieves, and taking the money. The dwarves

• 6:00Speaker 00

  dug too greedily and too deep, and awakened more monsters. It's a whole mess. We need to make heroes." The supervisor forced a smile and made jazz hands. "We already have those?" the angel at the desk said. "I'm talking like brave people who put their lives on the line for the greater good, to protect people in need and fight for justice and peace," the angel said, putting his fist to his chest and standing up tall, looking up to the drop ceiling. "Yeah, well, setting aside the paradox of fighting for peace, the humans have those. I mean, think about it. Hercules, Achilles, Odysseus." "I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with those names," the Supervisor Angel said. "Hercules,

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  is that the guy who killed his family, killed his music teacher for criticizing him, slaughtered the royal family of Troy and set up a blood feud, and fired poison arrows into a crowd of centaurs? Achilles, is he the one who powdered at war and not only withdrew, leaving his fellow soldiers to die, but had his mom convince the gods to withdraw their support so they would miss him? Oh, and when he killed his counterpart among the Trojans, he desecrated the corpse by dragging it behind his chariot? Odysseus, was he the one to engineer the greatest deception in the history of war, a double whammy of profaning religious rites and gift-giving? Chuck the son of Hector, an infant from the walls of Troy, let his men raid villages on the way home, shouted out to Polyphemus and doomed his crew out of pure ego, cheated on his wife with thirsty and... Oh, sorry, you yawned. Am I boring you?"

• 7:25Speaker 00

  "Yes," the angel at the desk said. "This is obviously just performative at this point. What sort of hero do you want?" The Supervisor Angel said that they needed a European knight hero, someone who would always do what was right, who would honor God and wear shining armor and stuff. "You've seen people, right?" the angel at the desk said. "But sure, he could make this European hero Paladin-like thing." He didn't think it would end the way they thought, though. And all that, the creation of the dwarves because we were relieving too much gold and too many magic stones and rings in the ground, the creation of the giants to protect the dwarves, and the creation

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  of European knights to fight the giants who immediately betrayed the dwarves, is an odd little intro to today's story. And actually, most people in books that discuss this intro say that it's surprising and out of place to start a discussion of heroes that they took quite seriously with an account of the Christian god creating dwarves and giants in early medieval Europe. Anyway, one of those heroes that rose after this, whatever this was, was Ortnit.

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  Ortnit was the king of Lombardy in modern day Italy. He was such a hero that he had the strength of 12 men. Everyone feared him and submitted to his rule, which is a little weird, given all that heroic, godly stuff we just talked about. The church itself served him, the knights and barons served him, and this was a massive problem. Because if all those powerful dads in your land grovel at your feet, whose daughter won't shame your lineage? So, longtime listeners of this podcast will know that I'm not really a fan of the crusades or religious violence. Hopefully that's not controversial. Anyway, this story is kind of set during the Crusades,

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  which broadly speaking, were a series of military campaigns set over the course of about 200 years, proclaimed by the papacy to retake the Holy Land for Christians from Muslims. And I don't mean to paint with too broad of a brush here, because it isn't simply a story of one side good, other side bad in this story. One of Ortnit's liege men was a man of Islamic faith, and the story is actually pretty cool about the whole thing, given the man's equal standing in Ortnit's court. That man's clout was on the rise, though, after he told Ortnit about her. Turned out that the king of a city in Syria had an attractive daughter. She checked a lot of boxes. A king that wouldn't submit to Ortnit?

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  I mean, by virtue of where he was in the world, check. Dangerous quest? The walls of the city were adorned with pikes, holding the heads of the 72 men who had already asked for her hand in marriage. Oh, that's a check. Unassailable moral righteousness? Aside from the, once again, us versus them religious violence, which I'm not counting, but Ortnit definitely did. There's also the fact that the dad, the king, King Macaril, was keeping his daughter unmarried for himself. When his wife died, he would have a much younger, absolutely stomach-turning replacement in his beautiful daughter. So, check. As such, Ortnit called in some favors.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  And by favors, I mean mandatory military service, as pledged by his barons and 50,000 men, who would sail for Syria in like, three months. Yeah. He learned about the daughter at the end of autumn. And even though the winter temperature in Syria doesn't usually get below freezing, as far as I can tell, he still had to get everyone there. So it will be a long, cold, lonely winter. He didn't last three weeks until he was crawling the walls. Ortnit didn't have a picture of the princess and no description to go off of, other than "the most beautiful woman he could imagine", and he apparently had a very active imagination.

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  He needed some side quests, and he needed them yesterday. "Mom!", Ortnit yelled to his mom. "Yes, really? Mom, do we have any adventure? I really need some adventure." Ortnit's mom stepped from the other room. "Really? They had a big adventure coming up? He couldn't wait? All these nice people were literally slaving away to get it ready." "I want adventure now." His mother closed her eyes and exhaled sharply. "If you have too much adventure now, you'll lose your appetite for big adventure later." "Can't I just have a little now? And then I'll still be hungry for adventure when the big one comes." Life is full of small compromises, and parenting is no different.

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  The queen mother slipped a small golden ring from her finger, with a tiny green gem, and said, "It's a little over a day's ride from here." She pressed the ring into Ortnit's hand, waiting for him to put it on. No matter what happened, he was not to ever sell or give away that ring. The road leads south from town. He needed to ride along through the fields for most of the day, stopping to camp at a ruined wall. And he should ride with that wall to his left in the morning, until he found "the tree." "A tree?" "Not a tree, the tree," she said. "It's a linden tree, and it's big enough to shadow the whole of the valley, growing in height to approach even the mountain it eventually brushes up against.

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  Under that tree, you'll find your adventure." The manuscript tells us that everyone was so mad they couldn't ride with their king to see a tree, because he insisted on going alone, which they all wanted to have written down that that was a huge bummer. Aw, man, they really, really wanted to go.

• 13:32Speaker 00

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• 16:56Speaker 00

  Riding that morning, Ortnit didn't see adventure. It was just nature stuff. Because of the large tree shadow, grasses were shorter and sparse, and it was actually pretty comfortable for an early winter day. So, wait, was that a boy? Off in the distance, the form of what appeared to be a boy, reclined in the shade of the tree. King Ortnit covered his mouth. That boy was beautiful, or rather seemed to have magnificent flowing hair and luxurious clothes. The clothes were silk and gold and studded with gemstones. Ortnit had been riding for a day, and he knew that there was nothing on this edge of the kingdom, save the mountain that rose so quickly to the sky

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  no village had been able to take root. The child, it seemed, was alone. I know what it's like to grow up without a father, he whispered to himself. His own dad, the former king, had skipped down on Ortnit shortly after his birth, leaving his mother to raise him alone, with only an entire castle staff, kitchen, and the societal and ecclesiastical conditioning of the people to both obey and pamper royalty. He wouldn't wish that childhood on anyone. No, he was gonna do the right thing and adopt and raise this beautiful, beautiful orphan. Ortnit was making a lot of assumptions based on one forest nap.

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  The child, who couldn't have been older than four based on his size, still didn't seem to notice the king. Ortnit spun the ring on his finger, the one from his mother, and it slipped off as he did so. When it came off, the boy vanished. Ortnit put the ring back on, the boy was back. Despite his strong willingness to make assumptions and connections about the boy's parents when he saw the person, he wasn't for making connections between the sleeper and the ring. He was gonna go rescue this child, take him back home, and adopt him. King Ortnit noticed two things as he stood above the beautiful boy. And the second thing that he noticed was of far more immediate concern, because that

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  beautiful boy punched him in the gut the moment Ortnit tried to lift him. Ortnit flew back, which was surprising. Like we established, Ortnit had the strength of 12 men. Trying to punch him was like trying to punch Superman, and the only thing to move when Ortnit drove his fist into this kid's face was Ortnit's hand when it crumbled, feeling like it was on the verge of shattering. Ortnit gripped the kid by his shoulders, but found that he could barely hold on. "Why are you so obstinate?" He cried as he tried to, well, some might say kidnap, but Ortnit would probably say enthusiastically adopt the kid. "I'm doing this for your own good," Ortnit barked several minutes later, and then quickly

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  contradicted those words when, out of rage that with all of his strength he couldn't adopt this kid, he drew his sword. This kid wasn't gonna grow up without a father, one way or another. "Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," the young man said, raising up his hands. "First, the stranger tries to drag him off. Then the stranger drew a sword on him, at least to make him a prisoner?" "I can't take you prisoner," King Ortnit shouted, but still didn't put the sword away because he was winning. He said that everyone would laugh at him to take such a small child prisoner. "Child, what are you talking about?" The apparently not child said. "What am I talking about? What are you talking about?

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  You're smaller, you're a child, obviously." Ortnit waved his hands up and down, with the person stepping back from the tip of the blade. "A dwarf," the dwarf said. "Did you not notice my beard?" "Of course I noticed the beard. It was the first thing I noticed. Do children not have those? I don't spend much time around children." King Ortnit lowered his sword. "I'm not answering that," the dwarf said with a sigh. "Okay, you know what? Let's make a deal. You got me." I mean, it is kind of like someone bringing a knife to WrestleMania and then threatening to murder anyone who doesn't submit to them. Is that winning? Probably not, but to negotiate my release, I will give you some gifts." Still not sheathing his sword, King Ortnit stroked his beard.

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  "Couldn't I just take your stuff, since I'm threatening you with a sword?" "Literally what you're already doing," the dwarf said, and from inside his cloak, he pulled out a shield that was almost as big as he was. "This is a good shield. Nothing on earth can splinter it. Fire can't damage it." Ortnit took the shield. Turning back, he saw the entire shirt and greaves made of mail coming from inside the dwarf's cloak, helmet too. The dwarf said nothing could ever cut this. "And the helmet? Anyone who wore it will be able to see for a half a mile in any direction." The dwarf noticed the sword still pointed at his throat, hard not to. He smiled. "Okay, okay. Defense is not your thing, I get it. How about this?"

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  Pulling a sword of his own from under the cloak. The dwarf said that Ortnit could throw that one away. "It's trash, garbage." He flipped the sword so it was handle first, and handed it to Ortnit with a bow. "This sword can cut through any mail. It's the color of light. The blade is called rose." Ortnit chucked his sword away like it had cooties. He held his breath as his fingers wrapped around the handle. It was hard to hold back tears. A magic, named sword, given to him by an actual dwarf, whatever that was? This was the happiest day of his life. Suddenly getting self-conscious that the dwarf saw him wiping a tear, a smile broke through the beard below him.

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  "Hey, man, just, you know, sit in the moment," the dwarf said. "It's a big deal and I appreciate that you like it." Ortnit wiped his eye with his sleeve and said he would let the man go free. "But what was his name?" "Albric," the dwarf said. Ortnit nodded. "Hmm, okay." And then said, "Psych! Thank you for the gifts, but I need someone like you to help me win a beautiful queen." "Oh, okay," the dwarf said. Ortnit blinked. "What?" "Yeah, sure," he replied. "Wait, I have been preparing guys for months to go to the Middle East for me to kidnap m- whoops, almost said the quiet part out loud, to woo this woman, and you'll go get her? How?"

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  Albric said that as many lands as Ortnit controlled, he controlled tenfold. While Ortnit's domain was above the earth, Albric's was below, and he could move through rock and stone like Ortnit can move through a field. "He would leave now. No, you'll stay with me and travel with my guys, wooing her when we besiege the palace." Ortnit demanded. Albric interlaced his fingers. "A shark is an apex predator in the ocean. Do you know how dangerous one is in the desert?" "Well, I don't know what a shark is, sounds made up, but if I let you leave, will you come back?" "If I do this, I vow to become your liegeman, your vassal, to pledge myself and my lands to your service," Albric said.

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  "As such, it is customary for a king to give his vassal a ring." Albric pointed to Ortnit's finger, to the ring his mother gave him. "That one will do." It was customary in European folklore for a king to give rings to those who pledged their service, and it was true that Ortnit was wearing exactly one ring. His mother had given it to him and told him to never give it to anyone, and Ortnit held firm to that. For the next few minutes, Albric kept saying stuff like that ring was so puny that he should be offended, but he wasn't. This was customary, and if Ortnit didn't give him a ring, he wasn't a vassal. Don't know why I'm making so many Breaking Bad references recently, but it's like when

• 24:53Speaker 00

  Saul Goodman needed a dollar so he could technically be Walter White's lawyer and thus have attorney-client privilege. The ring was so small, why not just give it? Was Ortnit so scared of his mommy getting mad? He was a grown man, he could take a few swats from a switch, as the story says. Still, Ortnit would not give it. Albric held up his hands in surrender. "Fine, he would settle for a different, nicer ring." He was curious, though. What could be so special about that one? He had some familiarity with magical items, and he could do an Arcana check to see what this could do and what use Ortnit could get out of it. Seeing this as a reasonable compromise, King Ortnit sighed. "Okay."

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  But Albric had to swear on his honor that he would give the ring back. "I swear," Albric said, bowing with his knitted brow. As soon as Ortnit took the ring off to let Albric see it, he realized the enormity of his mistake. When it left his finger, the dwarf disappeared. Then the ring disappeared when Albric grabbed it from his hand. While Ortnit was swatting at the air, the sword, resting sheathed on the rock next to him, vanished. Then the armor, shield, and helm, it was all gone. "You promised," Ortnit screeched. He just heard a laugh in return. "Your mom's gonna be so mad at you," the disembodied voice echoed. "Should've listened." "Hey, you know what?

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  I will fulfill my oath and give the ring back. In a few decades, I'll lay it on your grave. Go home and take your blows from mommy." "I'll have you know that we're very close, me and mom," Ortnit said, walking to his horse. Quote, "She probably won't beat me to death." More laughter resounded under the leaves of the linden tree. But then, after a sigh and just before Ortnit spurred his horse home, Albric said, "Okay, you can have the ring back, but I do have conditions for it." Ortnit, still pouty, nodded. He would hear them. "Just don't get angry. Give me your word of honor that no matter what I say about your mother or anyone else,

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  you won't get angry, and I will give you back the ring." Now, we've established that Ortnit is not the thinking-on-his-feet sort of king, and he probably should have amended that agreement by saying that he wouldn't act in anger, because sometimes you really can't control how you feel. He was probably just happy to have any avenue for getting the ring back and agreed. Yes, sure, absolutely. The ring touched Ortnit's hand and, sliding it on his finger, Albric became visible. So Ortnit grabbed the dwarf by his neck and slammed him on the ground, pinning him with his body weight, drawing his knife, his sword was still far off where he had flung it, and holding the blade to the dwarf's throat. "This feels like anger," Albric noted.

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  "Tell me what you know about my mother," Ortnit screamed. "I don't know what you know," Albric said, "but your mother and the king, they had some difficulty conceiving." "Ew," Ortnit's face contorted. "They prayed, day and night," Albric said, "and their prayers were heard." He paused for effect. "By me." "Ortnit, your mother is a beautiful woman, and with my magic, I could tell that she was never gonna have a child with that king." "Kings can be so unscrupulous, too. They are never the problem. It was a matter of time until your mother was cast out, or worse. So I helped them."

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  Ortnit swallowed hard. "Helped them with like, strategies to conceive?"

• 28:42Speaker 00

  I was invisible. I can slip through walls. Your mother, well, thought it was a demon or a dream. Albrecht smiled. Shaking, Ortnit dropped the knife. He fell to the side. He, that meant. Ortnit, Albrecht said. I am your father. No, no, that's not true. That's impossible. And I'm not gonna act out that line. She was an honorable woman. She told the king and he was a good man. He didn't have her burned at the stake, as was his right. When she had you, he went to exile. You were his heir, but a reminder of his failure. So even though you're bigger than me, you're my boy, my own son.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Ortnit sat and processed all this. While he processed, I just wanna say that yes, what happened to the queen was absolutely rape. And the story, to its credit, names it as such. It does reveal things differently. So when Ortnit thinks briefly that his mother had an affair, he's crushed that he needs to execute her by immolation. When he learns that it was not consensual, he's relieved that he does not need to kill his mom. And that's it. The guy who did it will not face any consequences at all. And in fact, will be embraced as his father. And yeah, Ortnit did come to terms with it. The shining sword named Rose and the armor helped. The dwarf brought out the items once again and said that he made each of them with the hope

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  that one day he will be able to present them to his son. Ortnit's heart swelled as he put on the armor. And after a long afternoon talking with his new dwarf dad, Ortnit had to plead with the dwarf to let go of his horse's bridle. They would certainly see each other again. Like kids on Christmas who just can't wait to leave grandma's house because their parents made them all head out at what felt like the moment they unwrapped the Nintendo 64. Ortnit was so excited to leave and try out his new toys. His murderous new toys. Saying goodbye to dwarf dad, Ortnit rode off. The problem with awesome new weapons and armor was to use the weapons and armor, you have to have someone come and fight you. Ortnit, as he rode around looking for someone,

• 30:57Speaker 00

  anyone to step up and try to cut him down, was disappointed. Why? Why did he have to be such an effective ruler that his land flourished with peace and prosperity? This was the worst thing that had ever happened to anyone. Eventually, he rode up to his own city. Forlorn, but noticed that they were closing the gates. Stop right there. Who are you? A voice on the wall screamed. Ortnit realized something. Oh, he had a bad idea, but yeah. I am the one who killed your king. Ortnit bellowed. Screams went up from the inside of the city as people cried that this was impossible. Yes, I did it. Look at my armor. Look how cool it is.

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  Look at my sword. It's named. Your king didn't have a named sword. He didn't even stand a chance. Now, if you ever loved him, try to avenge him. Two burly knights burst from the door as soon as it was opened enough, yelling a challenge for the one who had killed the king that they loved. Ortnit, oh, it was a bad idea, but yeah, he couldn't help himself. He let the armor take a few hits. He laughed that it wasn't even scratched. Rose, the sword, cut through the first man's mail like it was, quote, rotten matting. And he went down instantly. Ortnit nodded contentedly. Okay, okay, wow. He got his fill. He tossed the sword down and made a tea with his hands. Okay, okay, timeout.

• 32:26Speaker 00

  The other knight, who had just watched his brother cut down by an invincible stranger and who thought his bloodlust could never be sated, dropped both jaw and maw when the challenger drew off his helm. It was his king. That was a test, a horribly painful test that you all passed. Trust me, it hurt me the most, Ortnit said, before looking down at the crumpled form of the dead knight. Second most, please forgive me, but I had to be certain of your loyalty before this war. Ortnit made, oh, very sad and serious faces as he comforted the mourning brother and picked up his sword. But inside, he was ecstatic. It felt like power was coursing through his body. Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, this was so cool.

• 33:24Speaker 00

  If you're wondering how Ortnit's mother got the ring and knew to send him to that spot to meet his biological dwarf father, well, I guess keep wondering because the story doesn't tell us. Ortnit and his mother talked about it exactly once and moved on like the story, I guess, wants us to. It's not that Ortnit didn't wanna visit his dad. It's just that the idea of taking a Saturday to ride out to the Linden Tree when he had so many preparations to make just seemed overwhelming every time he thought about it. So he didn't think about it and thus didn't do it. A trip from the Lombard Kingdom in the north of modern day Italy to Syria was about 1,200 miles by sea. And they made it in roughly 10 days,

• 34:05Speaker 00

  which the scholars say is really fast for an army in the tens of thousands. Regardless, when they got there, Ortnit admitted that some of the time he spent questing and dreaming of questing over the winter should probably have been spent planning. Really, they were like 50,000 or 60,000 guys hanging out in ships within view of a heavily fortified harbor. It was suspicious. They could land down the coast, but then they'd have to keep a contingent with the ships and keep a supply chain, and it was a mess. And currently, enemy ships were bearing down on them with them only being enemies because Ortnit and his friends were rolling up to their castle and trying to take the princess. They didn't have to be enemies and they could stop being enemies at any moment

• 34:48Speaker 00

  up until the first arrow was loosed. But that was gonna be very soon if Ortnit didn't come up with a plan. Hi, son, Ortnit heard and spun. It was his biological dwarf father, Albrecht. Oh, my gosh, thank you. Ortnit breathed. We need help. We're about to be attacked by the people we were gonna attack first. Albrecht rolled his eyes. My son, he never comes to visit. And when I come to him, he's all, hey, dad, can you do this for me? Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry. I'm an adult. I have a life. I meant to come see you. Time just got away from me. Ortnit said. And then noticed that his uncle, his uncle on his mom's side, who was a Slavic prince and his second in command, was looking at him askance.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  Who was Ortnit talking to? Oh, it's not a demon. Ortnit smiled, gesturing at what to the uncle was just open air. I didn't think it was, until now, the uncle said. Lend him the ring for a moment, Albrecht said. When the uncle put the ring on, he could see Albrecht. And after a number of patronizing comments about how Albrecht was as tall as a child, but he had a beard. Do children have beards? Albrecht offered to help. They should tell the approaching warships that they were merchants, come from the Carolingian lands, and they were loaded with good stuff. Yeah, problem, Ortnit spoke up. We're 1,200 miles from home

• 36:17Speaker 00

  and the only guy who spoke the language died of, I wanna say dysentery, but well, pooping. He heard a frustrating dag groan from the dwarf. And then Albrecht told the uncle to open his mouth. Ortnit watched a stone plot from nowhere under his uncle's tongue and then heard the words, there. As long as that stone remains in his mouth, he can speak and understand all languages. Rushing to the edge of the boat to try it out, the uncle cleared his throat, almost swallowed the stone, and then cried out, hi, please don't kill us. The ship slowed, the men on board crying out that that's actually what they were about to do. It looked like they were sailing warships from Europe. This being the Crusades and all,

• 37:01Speaker 00

  they had some bad experiences with warships from Europe. What? No, we're merchants. We bought tons of good stuff for all you guys from the Carolingian lands. Quality merchandise at competitive prices. Are you sure? I'm seeing a lot of armed men, the man on the closest boat said, looking around to head nods from his compatriots. Yeah, of course we have armed men to guard all of our stuff, duh. The defenders bobbed their heads. Yeah, okay, that actually tracks, sure. They can come dock right at the gates of the city, which will remain open to them and everyone because they weren't in a time of war. Taking the spitty rock out and putting it in Albrecht's reluctant hand, uncle slipped the ring off and handed it back to Ortnit.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  All right, they were good to dock. The city was theirs for the taking. It was not, in fact, theirs for the taking. While Ortnit, uncle, and everyone else lobbied for just slipping in and killing every man, woman, and child in the city. Yes, really. Albrecht decided that while he was a father, it was time to be a dad. You just can't sneak in and slaughter a whole city of people. That's wrong. You should declare war. And then it was permissible to slaughter a whole city of people. Ortnit was conflicted. He didn't wanna declare war because then it would nullify his one advantage of not declaring war. But he also didn't wanna disappoint his dwarf dad.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can just say dad, Albrecht noted, and told his son that he only had to ask. Ortnit blinked. Ask, ask what? Oh, can I slaughter a city without declaring war? Albrecht sighed. Oh, oh, can I please slaughter a city without declaring war? Massaging his temples, Albrecht grumbled that yes, son, he would be happy to slip quietly into the Sultan's palace and declare war to the man in person to help his son. He shook his head and rose. Parenting, man. He was a 500-year-old dwarf king, but they do not prepare you for this.

• 39:20Speaker 00

  We'll see how the war goes, but that will, once again, be right after this. Everyone talks about how challenging it is to raise kids, but what about protecting them? Outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, baby gates, where do you even start? Well, protecting your home and auto is a great place to start. Progressive offers customized coverage options, so you can be sure you have the right coverage for you and your loved ones. They're basically the outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, and baby gates of insurance. Don't wait. Get your quote today at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company, affiliates, and other insurers. Not available in all states.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  Hey, I'm Niall Rogers, producer, songwriter, guitarist, and co-founder of the group Sheik. A great song has a way of defining a moment, a moment of joy, heartbreak, or anything in between.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  This fall, I'll be driving across the country, dropping in on some of the coolest, most fascinating artists working today. We'll go deep into their lives and careers and hear what it was like before the moment that made them. From hitmakers like Miguel.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  That last year, finishing that record was the hardest experience of my life, regardless of how everyone else buys into this. I believe in this, and I'm gonna push.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  To rising stars like Alex Warren.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  You know, a song is a story, and the verse is setting the scene. And for me, at least, it's allowing me to be personal and vulnerable with the audience, whether it's about my wife and I'm being vulnerable about her, or it's about, you know, my parents and I'm being vulnerable to them. And it's almost like a cinematic piece in a way where each song tells that beautiful story.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  It's gonna be one hell of a trip. Experience Before the Moment, a Lincoln Original Series on the iHeartRadio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 41:20Speaker 06

  This is Colin Cowherd from the Colin Cowherd Podcast. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota Ford ability. All starts with a great deal on an off-road ready Tacoma or a half-ton Tundra, two of Toyota's most capable and longest-lasting trucks. Built on a reputation for quality and reliability, Toyota trucks are known for holding their value, which could mean big savings when it's time for your next Toyota. For a great deal today to a great value tomorrow. Shop toyota.com. Toyota, let's go places.

• 41:52Speaker 05

  Come on and get happy with Happy GLP. At just $99 a month, Happy GLP gives you one set price every month. No tears, no tricks. Getting started with Happy GLP is fast, convenient, and happens virtually with a licensed provider. Check it out for yourself at happylp.com. That's happylp.com. A happy price for a happier you. Compounded medications are not FDA-approved. Eligibility required and determined by a licensed provider. Individual results may vary. See website for details.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  The war was a long one, somehow. I can't imagine how it would have gone if Orton had fought fairly and didn't swarm into the city the moment he got the signal from his dad that war had been declared by slapping the Sultan in the face. The text explores some interesting ideas regarding what it means to be a soldier and searching for meaning in life after seeing so many senseless, violent things happen to those you care about. I mean, it also undercuts its own sympathy, because Orton's uncle is mourning the slaughter of his own men, those he chose to lead into battle for his nephew so that the nephew could kidnap a bride. And then he plays Avenger when he kills a chamber full of women who were begging for

• 43:17Speaker 00

  mercy because his guys died during, remember, a completely avoidable, unprovoked attack on another kingdom. While Uncle was rampaging, Orton was a bit more philosophical. He, too, was in anguish over how many they lost, 9,000 knights at this point, but he said, quote, "Look, what good would my anger do me? As monstrous as I could become, they will still have been lost." That got Uncle to, while not chill out, at least stop kicking prisoners of war in the teeth. The war continued, was deeply sacrilegious and offensive to multiple world religions, and ended with fewer than a third of Orton's knights still alive. The princess eventually chose, uncoerced, to be with Orton.

• 44:02Speaker 00

  If you count Albrecht threatening to murder her father if she didn't agree to be with him uncoerced, which I don't. Even though it had cost over 40,000 lives on his side, and likely more on the side of the enemy, Orton won. Agreeing to his betrothed's request that he, in fact, not kill his future father-in-law, Orton left King Mackerel holed up in the fortress, with only a sparse, wounded guard remaining. On the way home, the princess converted Christianity, completely uncoerced, except that she would probably be thrown overboard if she didn't. And 20 days after she left home, they landed in the north of Italy. By the time they were married by Lake Garda, she had, according to the text, completely forgotten both her homeland and her family.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  The whole realm celebrated their wedding.

• 45:04Speaker 00

  King Mackerel laid on the floor of his room. He could leave now. The knights from Lombardi had gone. They had left him with his life, but had taken everything that gave it meaning. His friends, dead. His city razed his daughter. He couldn't think about her without falling back into the darkness. He hadn't eaten or drank anything for three days, and if the huntsman didn't force his way through the door, he probably wouldn't have done so ever again. Forcing his way through the door was not as difficult as it sounded. Most of the remaining guard was serving as a cleanup crew, a city police force, and city looters. Besides, you couldn't guard the king from himself. The war bled the nobility dry, literally.

• 45:46Speaker 00

  And so when he went, all vestiges of the way things had been would die with him. So the huntsman basically strolled into the king's bedchamber. "So, you wanna kill your son-in-law?" he said, picking his nails. "Because I can do it." For the first time in a few days, King Mackerel sat up. He just tried to kill Orton. For months. He lost tens of thousands. "Don't do that. Don't give him hope." "Yeah, you tried at war. You really wanna get him, though? You need to be crafty. You ever hear of the Trojan War? Of how Odysseus finally broke the city?" the huntsman asked. "Yes, we all know that. The Trojan Horse."

• 46:30Speaker 00

  Mackerel groaned and laid back down. "If that's what you have in mind, you can just help yourself to some looting and get out." "Kind of." the huntsman raised a finger. "Tell me, what if that horse had been full of dragons?" Mackerel sat up. "Okay." Now he was listening.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  "So, my father-in-law forgives me?" King Orton said to the huntsman, the man who had just traveled over 1,000 miles to present chests full of silks, gold, and jewels. "Uh, forgiveness might be a little ways off." the huntsman grimaced. But after much reflection, he does want a relationship with his daughter and his grandchildren, should there be any. So he sends all of this as a peace offering. He says that, if you'll have him, he would get baptized and come to this land. Orton's queen was so happy that she was almost moved to tears. Orton, though, needed to know if his father-in-law was genuine, and that could only be confirmed

• 47:42Speaker 00

  by a cash valuation of all the gifts he sent, minus tax and duty fees. When the huntsman presented a full accounting, a tear came to Orton's eye. The huntsman should return with this message. "You're welcome whenever you want." "Dad." There were some things that needed to be handled, though, before the huntsman left. Okay, so there were two special items. He presented the chest that the huntsman said Orton should only open if Orton wanted to kill what was inside, because it was a frog. It was a frog from the Garden of Abraham, and when it was fully grown, it would spit out a gemstone, the likes of which the world had never seen before. Orton had to keep himself from squealing. "Okay." What did the huntsman need?

• 48:26Speaker 00

  "Oh, just a cave to raise it." "And the elephant." "Oh, no." Orton said. "Yes, it's on his way," he replied, "but it can only grow up in the mountains. A warm enough cave should be sufficient for both." Orton smiled so wide, he thought his face was gonna break. "Yes, oh my gosh, yes. I have some guys who know just the place." "They can't be disturbed, though. They're very sensitive," the huntsman declared. "Not at all. You'll have complete privacy," Orton said. "Wow." All his friends and advisors, who were like, "You shouldn't go across the world and start a needless war." They didn't know what they were talking about. This was amazing.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  The elephant and the frog were dead. The huntsman too, probably. Reports came a few months later of two dragons that had taken up residence in the cave, likely attracted by that succulent elephant and gemstone frogs. And that was a bummer, too, because that gift ended up being pretty expensive. A cow a day for both the elephant and frog to eat over the last few weeks. All that investment went down the drain, which was especially hard because the people didn't dare venture out from their walled cities to hunt, plant, or trade. Everything in Lombardy ground to a halt as the two dragons rampaged the countryside. Knights stood up to them at first. It got to the point where Ortnit had to order them to stop.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  If enough of them went, then the cities themselves would be undefended, and the dragons would just need to work at the walls until they cracked, revealing a soft and delicious human center. It was one night when Ortnit saw Rose hanging in his bedroom that he knew it must be him. If ever there was a hero created for a time such as this, that hero was Ortnit. Probably, because he was basically the only hero left. Even Albrecht and the dwarves were wary to travel the roads, as the dragons could see and smell things humans could not. When the father-in-law didn't come months, even a year later, Ortnit not only suspected, but knew this was a Trojan horse that he had accepted into his kingdom.

• 50:44Speaker 00

  A Trojan horse full of dragon eggs, which would be objectively cool if it hadn't happened to him. Looking at the armor that couldn't be destroyed, he knew that he, Ortnit, son of the dwarf Albrecht, who possessed the strength of 12 men, had been made for this moment. He kissed his distraught queen goodbye. She really had forgotten all about her family and homeland. It had been six years since they got married, and she was both heartbroken and enraged that he was so intent on dying that he would leave her. Taking her hands into his, he said that it was only a matter of time. If the dragons grew powerful enough and the knights too few, there wouldn't be a kingdom at all. He would rather fight them in their lair than in his home.

• 51:28Speaker 00

  Tapping his armor with a wink, he said he had faith in his father. She shouldn't count him as dead yet. She nodded and pressed her ring into his hand. Pausing for a moment, he whispered something into her ear. Then he slipped the ring on, took a deep breath, and walked to his waiting horse. With the grasses swaying and the storm clouds on the horizon, Ortnit donned his shining armor. His sword, Rose, bounced in the scabbard, and he mounted his horse. He didn't ride away to cheers or hope, but silence punctuated by weeping. So many knights had ridden off to save this land, and so few had returned. Ortnit wasn't riding to the dragon, though. Not yet. He was riding for the Linden Tree.

• 52:24Speaker 00

  "Don't do this," Albrecht, his dwarf father, said. "I have to do this? I was made for this moment?" Ortnit was really hoping for a more encouraging message here. "I have to meet this dragon in battle." "Oh, yeah, well, if you meet it in battle, you'll kill it, both of them." "Well, I mean, okay, that is good news, so I win." Ortnit smiled. "Yay, there he was. There's the encouraging dad." "I don't quite know how to say this, son, but if it finds you asleep, it will kill you," Albrecht said. "I mean, obviously," Ortnit pointed out. "Why would I sleep anywhere where I'm in danger of a dragon?" "You know how parents just kind of know their kids?" Albrecht asked.

• 53:07Speaker 00

  "That's why I feel the need to warn you not to sleep in the middle of a dragon fight. I know that you have a tendency to get bored and nap. Don't do that. Stay focused and alert." Ortnit was getting a little sleepy just thinking about staying focused and alert, but yeah, totally. He did stop by for another reason, though. If anything happened to him, the dragon could not have the ring. Then it would be able to see Albrecht and maybe all the dwarves. They would never be safe. Albrecht nodded solemnly, then shook his head before the tears came. "Ortnit would be back for it. No worries, right?" Ortnit smiled. "Absolutely. No worries."

• 53:51Speaker 00

  He slipped off the ring, and his father disappeared from view. Placing it on the ground, he looked back one time to the empty clearing underneath the Linden Tree, mounted his horse, and rode for the dragon's lair.

• 54:12Speaker 00

  Was it "don't fall asleep at all" or "don't fall asleep in the dragon's lair"? The second one was easy, probably. The first one was really difficult. It had been what felt like days at this point, and Ortnit, waiting in a warm field of flowers, reclining on a soft bit of turf with his head on his pack that wasn't comfortable or soft, but that however long it had been without sleep, anything did. Well, Ortnit was bored. Either the dragons hadn't moved for days, or they had done nothing but moved for days and hadn't returned home. Regardless, nothing was coming in or out of that cave. So Ortnit was safe. He wasn't going to sleep.

• 54:55Speaker 00

  He was just gonna rest his eyes, just for a minute. In a minute, he was snoring. And a few minutes after that, the dragon waddled from the cave, picked him up by his unbreakable armor, and took him home for its dragon babies.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  Not sure that natural selection applies to dragons. Maybe supernatural selection. Regardless, I imagine all the dragons who don't know how to wait for an epic hero in unbreakable armor to fall asleep probably didn't make it. It actually worked out for the dragon's schedule, too, because, like I said, dragon babies. They had a mess of little hatchlings that, in a few short years, would be ready to run amok in ravaged countrysides of their own if they decided to follow in their parents' footsteps and go into the family business. The dragon lumbered in and tossed Ortnit down in the nest, and all the dragon babies attacked. And then all the dragon babies broke their dragon baby teeth on Ortnit's unbreakable dwarf armor.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  The reason you probably either want clarification on if you shouldn't fall asleep during the fight versus shouldn't fall asleep not during the fight is that Ortnit, for all the thrashing and biting and howling that owl their teeth were broken, well, Ortnit was so tired that he did not wake up. In fact, he never woke up. He slept for hours while the dragons tried in vain to get through the armor, but one little dragon baby, when he came away with a mouthful of Ortnit, had discovered a workaround. The armor might be impenetrable, but it wasn't all-encompassing. I think after having survived a brutal, completely avoidable war, Ortnit thought

• 56:47Speaker 00

  that maybe while he was wearing his invincible armor, he was invincible. But that wasn't true. Once they found even the smallest gap, the baby dragons, quote, "sucked him out of his armor. Nothing remained except bits, and the armor, the shield, and the sword, Rose, were cast aside." Ortnit's dog, who had apparently been there the whole time, returned without him, and his queen feared the worst. She refused to remarry. Well, she refused to remarry anyone but the man who killed the dragon who killed Ortnit. The nobles, assuming that she had engineered it all to take control of their kingdom, didn't rise up against her or execute her, but relegated her to a small house with her ladies.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  For all the jockeying for power that came about afterward, society collapsed. Everyone stopped considering what was best for, well, everyone. And it wasn't just the nobles, but all the people seized whatever they could take for themselves. The land fell to ruin, and it would be a long wait, because the one who would slay the dragon and marry the widowed queen hadn't even been born yet. His name was, or rather, would be Wolf Dietrich.

• 58:15Speaker 00

  I like this story because it subverted my expectations, in a good way, not season eight of Game of Thrones way, because heroes in these stories are supposed to slay the dragon. He got his magical sword and armor. He thought it was his birthright. But thinking something so doesn't make something so. And you might have all the tools and the name, but to paraphrase Tony Stark, "If you're nothing without the invincible suit of armor from your dwarf dad, you shouldn't have it." At least Peter Parker got the chance to grow instead of falling asleep in a fight with a big bad and being slurped out of his iron spider suit. As I thought about this story more, and I know I'm too old to be saying

• 58:56Speaker 00

  stuff like this, but there's really no better way to put it, so sorry, Ortnit is a nepo hero. Okay, born with the strength of 12 men, epic dwarven armor and weaponry, leader of a kingdom that can send upwards of 40,000 men to die for him to just get married, and also somehow doesn't revolt when he comes home. And what does he do with all that? Absolutely nothing. When a dragon came to his lands as a direct result of his actions, he thought, sure, I'm a king and superpowered and I have a magic sword. Of course, I get to go be the hero now. And then he died. Because in the end, it's not what you have,

• 59:38Speaker 00

  your name, your intelligence, your strength, it's what you do with it. Also, not taking naps right outside dragon caves and sleeping through being eaten by dragon babies, well, that also helps. Next week, we're going to Britain and telling the story of Beavis of Hampton, where if your wife tells you the only medicine that can help her is boar meat, and that boar meat is in a forest infested with German soldiers, maybe get a second opinion. Real quickly, we have a book coming out in a little over two months. We are so excited about it. It's a comprehensive retelling of the King Arthur legends, a three-book series, but the first book is available for preorder now. Preorders are so, so, so helpful.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  So if you're interested, please check out the links in the show notes. Thank you so much. The creature this time is the Tarosk, from France. When you look at the Tarosk, six feet tall with its spiky turtle shell, snarling face, lion mane-like hair, and bear claws, but reptilian bear claws, look, I'm not saying that that is basically Bowser from Mario, but that's Bowser from Mario. The only difference is that this one doesn't breathe fire. Like a lot of dragons in European folklore, it breathes poison. The legends speculate

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  on the origin and settled, somehow, on the biblical leviathan and the bonacon from Galatia in modern-day Turkey getting together. The bonacon being an angry bull that attacked people by shooting its caustic feces. We've done that one before back in episode 355, there's something about Ares. Anyway, with such a pedigree, it's no wonder that the Tarosk went on to do such great things. Or things. Really, it just ate a bunch of people in first-century France. Though I imagine legendary monsters have a different metric for life success, and as long as you haven't been slain by an epic hero, you're probably doing all right. The Tarosk was not slain by an epic hero. It's not still wandering

• 1:01:45Speaker 00

  around, though. Basically, like the dragon in today's story, it was roaming around, eating people as it pleased. It avoided bridges over lava with axes precariously positioned on one side, too, so it was basically unbeatable. Then Saint Martha came along. Martha, the sister of Mary and Lazarus from the Bible, apparently took to traveling after Jesus' death and resurrection and ended up settling in Abingdon, which would have been nice if not for the dragon. Well, armed with a cross and some holy water, she walked up to the Tarosk, who was right in the middle of eating a human man, thus why most depictions of the creature have legs dangling from its open mouth. She simply commanded the beast

• 1:02:27Speaker 00

  to spit it out. Drop it. Drop it. Aw, good Tarosk. She then looped her belt around its neck and walked it back to town. It probably being better behaved than my dog. If you think this feels like an opportunity for a message on forgiveness and love and transformation, I did too. Martha and the townspeople, however, did not. Subdued by God and Saint Martha, the people of the town stoned the monster to death and renamed the town Taroscon in honor of this victory. It's still named that to this day. That's a place that exists. They also have regular festivals where I think they still celebrate and wheel effigies

• 1:03:08Speaker 00

  of this monster through the city. That's it for this time. Myths and Legends is by Jason and Carissa Weiser. Our theme song is by Broke for Free, and the Creature of the Week music is by Steve Colmes. There are links to even more of the music we used in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

• 1:03:34Speaker 07

  This is Shirley Strawberry from the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability. And it starts with a great deal on an all-wheel-drive Camry, Corolla Cross, or a Corolla Sedan with the latest features and tech. Or test drive a spacious Grand Highlander or adventure-ready RAV4. And with so many hybrid models available, you can enjoy longer trips without all the stops. While Toyota's legendary resale value means you could get more at Trade-In, get a great deal today and a great value tomorrow. Shop toyota.com for deals and details. Toyota, let's go places.

• 1:04:15Speaker 06

  Come on and get happy with Happy GLP. Just $99 a month. Happy GLP gives you one set prices every month. No tiers, no tricks. Getting started with Happy GLP is fast, convenient, and happens virtually with a license provider. Check it out for yourself at happyglp.com. Again, that's happyglp.com. A happy price for a happier you. Compounded medications are not FDA-approved. Eligibility required to determine by a licensed provider. Individual results may vary. See website for details.