Pod Insights Myths and Legends 419: Slavic folklore: Bad Heir Day About this episode Ivan fights wizards and monsters and Baba Yaga with a music streaming subscriptionWhat do you get when your daughters have been kidnapped by a sleezy cloud and your son not only spends all of his days jamming with his self-playing harp, but DOESN'T want to tear the heads off his friends? You get Tsar Wisehead, who apparently just figured out that parenting is hard.
😈 **The Creature: Garm
Garm is serious about his job, and that's unfortunate because that job involves blood splatters and the end of the world.
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🎵 Music Credits
"Flagstone Abbey" by Blue Dot Sessions
"Kid Kodi" by Blue Dot Sessions
"Cirrocumulous" by Chad Crouch
"Thimble Rider Theme" by Blue Dot Sessions
"The Spring" by Chad Crouch
"Hermit" by Chad Crouch
Transcript 0:01 Speaker 00 This week on Myths and Legends, it's a story from Slavic folklore about how you can battle demons and monsters with a portable music player and how it might be okay that your child doesn't want to behead their friends. The creature this week is a dog from Norse myth who is not a good boy, mainly because he'll help to bring about the end of the world.
0:27 Speaker 00 This is Myths and Legends, episode 419, Bad Air Day.
0:37 Speaker 00 This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins. Others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen. Today, it's a story from Slavic folklore, where it might be a bad idea to brag about how rich and awesome your kids are and surround your daughters with guards that invite the challenge of the various wizards, Baba Yaga's, and monsters that live in your world. Today, we'll jump in with a czar who's doing just that.
1:19 Speaker 00 "I'm just, I'm concerned, my czar," the advisor said to Czar Umnaia Golova, translated to Czar Wisehead. "It's about the girls. You don't think that maybe it might be a bad idea to have everyone over to celebrate them, give people literal buckets of mead, and talk about how your girls have only been fed with actual golden spoons, how they sleep under sable blankets? And each of them, Zarevna Tsinyana, which translates to the priceless princess, and the other, Zarevna Betzinyana, the invaluable princess, each have three nurses that are trained to keep flies off them at all times? You don't think that might be a little conspicuous?"
2:02 Speaker 00 What do you mean, "I'm the Tsar"? The Tsar pointed to his robes and scepter like he was proving something? No, for sure, but we, you know, we live in a world of wizards, monsters of the earth and sea and Baba Yaga's? Maybe plural, who even knows anymore? The advisor said. It might just be better to tone some of those things down a bit. I hear ya. More guards, more nurses, all to protect my girls. The Tsar nodded and called in the guy who could make that happen. That's not really what I was going for. I feel that's even more conspicuous. Like, that might be worse and invite challenges for someone who think they can handle. But what are you thinking, 77 guards or, or worse?
2:47 Speaker 00 Someone who might not even try to fight them? The advisor warned. That doesn't even make sense, the Tsar said, and started plans to add a room next to his girls to house, basically a barracks, for a couple platoons of soldiers and just as many nurses. Good talk.
3:17 Speaker 00 Well, the Tsarevna's were kidnapped, the advisor said a few months later. What? The Tsar spat out his wine. Yeah, a black cloud. A storm grew in the courtyard and swallowed them. The advisor rubbed his forehead. This is exactly what he said would happen. The 77 soldiers? What did they do? The Tsar cried. Literally fighting a cloud. What were they going to do? The Tsar's heart broke. He collapsed into tears and then, hot on his face, his tears dried. They were replaced by rage. You did this. The Tsar pointed to the advisor, who said he actually advised to do the exact opposite of this, remember? Conspicuous consumption?
4:03 Speaker 00 The Tsar didn't. It was the advisors' fault, the soldiers' fault, and even the nurses' fault. The Tsar said, quote, "I will deliver you all over to an evil death. You shall perish miserably in dungeons." And they did. Grief affects everyone differently. Tsar Wisehead went through the classic stages. Hunger, murderous rage, fiddle-bands, croaking like a crow, and sleepiness. But time passes in sorrow with it. The story gets poetic, saying that the life of a person is like a woven tapestry. The light with the dark. I mean, it kind of papers over the nearly 100 people he had killed as punishment, but whatever.
4:46 Speaker 00 Then, a few years later, a baby's cries echoed through the halls of the palace. Prince Ivan was born. He grew up and quickly was the pride of his father, though there was something unsettling about the young man. Quote, "One thing only weighed upon the heart of Tsar Wisehead. Good and beauteous was Tsarevich Ivan, but there was nothing in him of the heroic valor or the knightly skill. He did not tear off the heads of his comrades, nor break their arms and legs. He neither loved to play with lances of Damascus steel nor with swords of tempered metal." It just goes to show how times have changed, because I am actually super happy that our
5:27 Speaker 00 son, like Ivan, amazes us with his wit and wisdom and doesn't, um, tear the heads off his friends or break their arms and legs. Different strokes, I suppose. Additionally, though, Ivan wowed everyone with a harp that didn't need a harper. Now, this was confusing to me, and it remains confusing to me because I can't find a satisfying explanation. It said that when Ivan touches the harp, it plays beautiful music. When I touch a player piano or even an iPhone, it also plays beautiful music. But I guess Ivan was the harp guy, and everyone loved his playing that wasn't really his playing. He did have a nice voice, though.
6:08 Speaker 00 A nice voice that wouldn't protect against rival kings, against a lance to the chest or barbarians at the gate. This much the Tsar told Ivan as the pair sat down to dinner one night, and also every other night. "And these lances and swords and arms, they protected my sisters?" Ivan asked. Tsar Weiss had stopped mid-bite, and the memory of his lost daughters ached like an old wound. "Cities are not taken by strength, but by intelligence, craft, not by cudgels, but cunning." Ivan stated, then sat back. "I have a proposition. Gather everyone in the realm, tell them to bring their Damascus blades, their iron lances and glowing darts,
6:52 Speaker 00 and return with the princesses. I will use my intelligence and my voice. If I find them and bring them home, you will never ask me to be something I'm not again. If someone else does so, then I will give him my birthright, and you will have a son who can carry on your violent legacy." The Tsar saw no downside in this, and called his knights and nobles. "All right, who wanted to win rule over the land and pick of the princesses when he rescued them?" The knights backed up and subtly stepped behind the second row of knights, who themselves backed up and went behind the third row until, at the back of the room, a wall of compressed knights who couldn't go any farther desperately searched for the door. Really, no one.
7:37 Speaker 00 For all the mighty warriors present, they didn't want to go up against a wizard, or whatever it was, who could kidnap people with a cloud. "I'll go," the voice of Tsarevich Ivan rang out beside the Tsar. "Yeah, I bet you will," the Tsar sighed. "All right, it's, it's one quest. What do you need, a hundred thousand warriors?" The text actually does that Lucille Blue thing, by the way. "Nope, I'll just take my harp and nothing else," Ivan declared. The Tsar said, "Got it." He'd get his son outfitted with a sword and armor, and he would set out with that harp of his. Nope, none of that, Ivan said, just the harp. Loud and clear, a dozen mounted warriors and you and the harp. We'll get right on that. The czar clapped, but Ivan stopped him again.
8:22 Speaker 00 No, just the harp. Okay, a you, a small knife, a, a walking stick that could be used as a club? A, a spoon? Can he kill brigands with a spoon? The czar shook his head to Ivan's continuing disapproval. Nothing, really. Just my harp. Ivan raised his harp. The czar breathed deeply. Just the harp. Great. Ivan gave the terms. Three years to find his sisters. And if he didn't return in that time, the czar could name whoever he wanted to be the successor. And the czar said it was an absolute monarchy. He could do that at any time. But sure, he commended his son for his seemingly brave choice.
9:04 Speaker 00 And then spent the rest of the week trying to understand the difference between bravery and foolishness.
9:22 Speaker 00 Ivan, for all of his talk, actually had no idea where to go or what to do to find his sisters. So he picked a direction and started walking. He walked for days across the grassy fields, laying by the fire and looking up at the stars at night. He soon came to a dense forest and cracking and rumbling, weighing what he was hearing. He knew it wasn't a bear or a boar, at least any bear or boar anyone had ever seen. Nothing was that big. When he saw a tree fly from the forest, high up in the clear blue sky and dent the plains outside, he knew he wasn't dealing with anything of this world. He was afraid. Yeah, the story actually talks about how scared he was.
10:05 Speaker 00 His eyes filled with fear as he entered the forest, but he consoled himself. A man must die once, but no man could die twice. Besides, his sisters were out there and weird supernatural stuff, while not necessarily related to the cloud that had kidnapped them, was a step in the right direction, even if it was a terrifying one. The second step into the forest was actually the more terrifying one, because in there, two wood demons fought. Now, I don't know if there are different designations of demon, like how in D and D and the Elder Scrolls, there are different elves and dwarves. There probably aren't, because in looking up Slavic wood demons, I found the play by Chekhov called "The Wood Demon", which also has the name Leschi,
10:50 Speaker 00 which was a creature of the week way back in episode 30A. In their humanoid form, they have a green beard, green hair, boots are on the wrong feet, and they have pine cones in their hair. So in this, it's probably two Leschi out in the forest. They're considered to be temperamental, something Ivan experienced when he saw them picking up trees and hitting each other with them. One picked up an oak, the other a pine 30 feet tall, and they just kept whaling on each other. Ivan sighed and took out his harp. He really buried the lead with his dad, with detailing the harp's power, because as soon as he began playing it, or rather, it began playing in his hands, the Leshies, the wood demons, stopped fighting and started dancing. We've talked about items like this.
11:35 Speaker 00 It's a bit of a trope in folklore. And more often than not, it's a magic fiddle that compels people to dance. I personally like to believe that the song coming out of the harp was just so catchy that people couldn't help but dance. "Ye, my children, are regular wood demons, and yet ye make fools of yourselves, as if ye were common people", Ivan shouted, slipping in a little classist dig in his exhortation. The music stopped, but Ivan had their attention. "Why shouldn't we fight?", the Leschi said. "Actually, maybe this little man could help", the other nodded in agreement, and the first continued. "They were going on their way, and they found these items", okay, get this, a tablecloth, some shoes, and a cap.
12:20 Speaker 00 Ivan looked at the items. And they're amazing. You unfurl the tablecloth and 12 male youths and 12 female youths will come out and bring you mead and sweetmeats. You put the shoes on and you can go seven miles with one stride and the cap turns you invisible. Wow, Ivan paced. I can see why you'd want those things. Okay, how about this? I don't know either of you, right? Both lushies nodded. Yeah, they didn't have too many human friends. Right. I don't have a stake in this. So how about this? How about we do a binding arbitration thing here? I decide fairly who gets the stuff and you both abide by my decision. I am a prince after all. That, or you can go back to hitting each other with trees.
13:05 Speaker 00 The lushies looked at one another and nodded. Yeah, okay. Seemed fair enough. Okay, since there are three items and they can't be divided evenly, I say... A race? Ivan asked. Ivan gestured to the edge of the forest, where he had just come from, and pointed off to the trail in the distance. He said the first demon to make it to that trail, the one that ran parallel to the forest about a half mile away, could have all the items. The lushies looked at the trail in the distance, looked at Ivan, looked to each other, and bolted. As soon as they were gone, Ivan folded the tablecloth and tucked it beside the harp in his bag, put on the shoes, and on the cap.
13:48 Speaker 00 Disappearing, for the lushies at least, forever.
14:02 Speaker 00 We'll catch up with an old frenemy of the show, Baba Yaga, but that will be right after this. Everyone talks about how challenging it is to raise kids, but what about protecting them? Outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, baby gates? Where do you even start? Well, protecting your home and auto is a great place to start. Progressive offers customized coverage options so you can be sure you have the right coverage for you and your loved ones. They're basically the outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, and baby gates of insurance. Don't wait. Get your quote today at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company, affiliates and other insurers. Not available in all states.
14:44 Speaker 01 Hey, I'm Nile Rodgers, producer, songwriter, guitarist, and co-founder of the group Sheik. A great song has a way of defining a moment, a moment of joy, heartbreak, or anything in between. This fall, I'll be driving across the country, dropping in on some of the coolest, most fascinating artists working today. We'll go deep into their lives and careers and hear what it was like before the moment that made them. From hitmakers like Miguel...
15:17 Speaker 02 That last year, finishing that record was the hardest experience of my life. Regardless of how everyone else buys into this, I believe in this and I'm gonna push.
15:29 Speaker 01 To rising stars like Alex Warren.
15:32 Speaker 03 You know, a song is a story and the verse is setting the scene. And for me, at least, it's allowing me to be personal and vulnerable with the audience, whether it's about my wife and I'm being vulnerable about her, or it's about, you know, my parents and I'm being vulnerable to them. And it's almost like a cinematic piece in a way where each song tells that beautiful story.
15:50 Speaker 01 It's gonna be one hell of a trip. Experience Before the Moment, a Lincoln original series on the iHeartRadio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
16:02 Speaker 04 This is Stugatz from Stugatz and Company Live. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability. And it all starts with a great deal on an all-wheel-drive Camry, Corolla Cross, or a Corolla Sedan, with the latest features N-Tec or Test Drive, a spacious Grand Highlander or adventure-ready RAV4. And with so many hybrid models available, you can enjoy longer trips without all the stops, while Toyota's legendary resale value means you can get more at TradeIn. Get a great deal today and a great value tomorrow. ShopToyota.com for deals and details. Toyota, let's go places.
16:53 Speaker 00 It was difficult to get used to going seven miles, or about 11 kilometers, with a single step. There was a lot of stepping forward and watching the countryside zip by from one side, stepping back and then watching it from the other side. He didn't know exactly what he was looking for, but thought he would know it when he saw it. And he saw it. He overshot it by about two miles and had to walk back, but thought the 500 miles he had traveled that afternoon, thanks to the shoes, more than made up for it. When he saw the fence made out of human bones, with skulls whose eyes glowed like fire, he figured he was in the right place. "Izhbushka," he cried to the house before him, standing on what appeared to be yellow trees.
17:37 Speaker 00 "Turn around and put your back to the forest." At that instance, the trees lifted, revealing the talons that had been hooked into the earth below. The ground rumbled as the hut turned, revealing the door and her. Baba Yaga's sharp, rusted iron teeth glimmered into a smile. A czar's son at her door. Why had he come here, so far out into the wilderness, so far from safety? Ivan climbed up to her door and shook his head. Quote, "Oh thou senseless granny," he clasped her bony shoulder as he strode past her into the house. "Thou shouldst feed me well first, and only after that shouldst thou begin to ask questions."
18:19 Speaker 00 There's a certain confidence that, admittedly, I don't possess, where you can walk into the house of a cannibalistic witch known for killing and eating travelers, call her granny, demand that she make you lunch, and actually have her do it. Granted, she might have just been humoring the brazen young man, because after she had her lunch, you wouldn't be able to answer any questions ever again. He said, as his teeth pulled the oven-warmed bread, that he was seeking his sisters. Priceless princess and invaluable princess, daughters of czar Wisehead. They had been kidnapped by a cloud... 15, 16 years ago? Baba Yaga nodded. Hmm. Well, she knew where one of them was, at least.
19:02 Speaker 00 She pointed. "The middle road, straight out from her house. The sister lives in the Whitestone Palace of her husband." Forest Monster. Even if Ivan made it there, he would be devoured by the guards of the palace before he even laid eyes on his sister. Ivan said he imagined Forest Monster would have a difficult time eating him. He was a bony morsel. He rose and walked over to the bottles, sitting on a shelf on the wall, popped the cork of one, smelled it, and, closing it, put it in his pack. Baba Yaga smiled at the young man. But Forest Monster wouldn't eat him. She rose, her shadowy form seeming to fill the room. "That so?" Ivan asked as he walked toward the door. "Why's that?"
19:45 Speaker 00 His hands found his shoes in his bag, and he began slipping them on. "Oh, please, please, run. No one has run from me in quite some time. They all sit and cower and cry. I love it when they run." Baba Yaga's smile was black in the growing darkness of the hut. "Then you're gonna love me," Ivan said. His shoes in place, he took a dozen strides and found himself 100 miles away from the hut in mere moments. Still on the middle road. A few more strides and he saw the path leading into the forest. And a few more miles, and he saw the castle. But the monster, the devil out front, saw him. "Hey, there, y-you, yeah, you," the devil pointed. "No humans allowed.
20:29 Speaker 00 I'd rather not fight you, really. I'd prefer you to run or even slink away and try to probe for weaknesses at another door. I really don't care, but you're not getting through this one. Open the door!" Ivan yelled back from the forest. "No, like, did you, did you just hear me? That's the one thing I can't do." The devil whined. "Seriously, no respect at all."
20:53 Speaker 02 "I'll give you vodka."
20:56 Speaker 00 A hand shot out of the bush with the bottle Ivan had taken from Baba Yaga's house. The little demon took a deep breath. He wouldn't let the strange human in, but he really would like to have some of his vodka.
21:19 Speaker 00 You know, I just, sometimes I feel like Forest Monster doesn't respect me. The demon took a swig and passed the bottle back to Ivan. What do you mean? Ivan pretended to take a drink and passed it back. Oh, like, okay, you know what this door is? It's a trap. It's a whole hallway full of traps. You walk through this door, you get skewered in five different ways before you get set on fire or face the torrent of boiling oil, and that's even before the clubs. The demon took another swig and passed it back. Ivan could see where this was going. And like, okay, most days, I don't think about it. I try to be good at my job, but sometimes when I'm staring at the ceiling and trying
22:02 Speaker 00 to go to sleep, the thoughts come. And if I'm really honest with myself, I know why I'm here. Forest Monster wants the heroes to make it through this door. You don't put your best guard, or even a good one, on the door you want your adversaries to get through. You put me. A joke. I'm a joke. The demon said, and broke down crying. Ivan threw his arm around the demon, saying that he was right. The demon looked up at him in pain and confusion, but Ivan continued. The first part of changing was realizing that something was wrong. And he was proud of the little demon for doing that. He would leave the guard with this sentence.
22:45 Speaker 00 What was a forest monster but a little demon who took a chance? Ivan winked at the demon guard who nodded with a tearful smile, thanking the prince. Ivan stood and walked off. That guy's issues aside, and sidebar, most of that's in the text. He does get the demon drunk, and the demon tells him about the trap hallway. But anyway. That guy's issues aside, Ivan acknowledged that it was good that he wasn't going through that door. He found a spot on the wall with some vines sneaking up, and began his climb. Once he made it over the wall, it wasn't ten minutes of walking over what he imagined, from the heat and all the funhouse monster sounds, was the murder hallway, that he spotted his sister in the tallest tower. Putting on the invisibility cap,
23:31 Speaker 00 he snuck up until he was at her door. Both of them knowing who the other one was at once, the priceless princess hugged the brother she didn't know existed. But she worried. Her husband, Forest Monster, would be back soon. Where could she hide him? She looked around her ornate cell, and Ivan said, "Where indeed? For I am no needle." His sister shook her head. What did that mean? "It means I'm bigger than a needle," Ivan laughed. "It's a joke." "No, I know you're bigger than a needle, but how is that funny?" Priceless kept looking for any space big enough for him to squeeze in. "It's because I'll be, I'll be hard to hide," Ivan laughed again, before his sister saw him place the cap on his head and vanish. "Oh, cool. You have an invisibility cap?
24:16 Speaker 00 Maybe lead with that next time," Priceless groaned. "Wow, do you have no sense of humor? I was just joking. We'll be fine," Ivan said from the corner. "Oh, oh yeah, I'm sorry. My sense of humor didn't develop because I've been in this room since I was kidnapped, when I was a pre-teen by a forest monster," Priceless yelled. "Yes?" she heard from the hallway behind her. Spinning to see the smoke take the grotesque form of her husband, Forest Monster, the being strode into the room, sniffing the air. "The guard, the bad one, is drunk again, which actually means he's doing a good job. Still, most of the time people try his door, but it remained unopened. I worry that... Someone climbed my walls."
25:00 Speaker 00 His glowing red eyes zeroed in on Priceless. "And that's my problem because... Because I followed the scent of human here," he said, scanning the room. Yeah, human, here, me. Priceless looked him in the eyes. What was he doing? He didn't get enough enjoyment out there harassing the world outside the walls that he had to come in here and torment her too? Oh, I'm sorry, your beautiful cell is such a torment, but know that I would never harm you, my love. I'm just, I'm hungry. I want to feed. And I know he's here. Forest Monster growled. You're right. A voice came from the corner, and Ivan appeared, doffing the cap.
25:44 Speaker 00 But I'm a bony morsel. Ivan laughed. Don't worry, I'll manage. The Forest Monster salivated, but before he could stride across the room, Ivan slipped the handkerchief from his pocket and put it on the table, where it unfriled into a tablecloth. In an instant, twelve young people, men and women, rushed in, placing cutlery in plates. Then the steaming dishes of meat and vegetables. They deposited glasses and filled them with wine and meat, and placed seats for Ivan, his sister, and Forest Monster. What is happening? Forest Monster asked. I'm feeding you. Like I said, you wouldn't enjoy me, but you'll love what they have. If you're still hungry afterwards, I can be the dessert.
26:29 Speaker 00 Ivan tucked the napkin into his shirt and picked up the cutlery for the first course.
26:40 Speaker 00 Three hours later, Ivan could see that Forest Monsters really were just little demons who took a chance. You know, I don't know, man. I don't want to kidnap my brides. I don't want to be my father. I want someone to love me for me, but it's just so scary. Like, what if I meet someone and she's amazing, and I let her in and she sees the real me, and she doesn't like what she sees? Isn't the most vulnerable rejection also the most painful? What if I'm a monster on the inside and the outside? Forest Monster downed another mead. Well, that that really puts a lot on a relationship, Ivan mused. Forest Monster couldn't rely on a partner to give him self-worth. He had to love and respect himself, and meet her as an equal.
27:25 Speaker 00 Otherwise, how could he expect? Ivan was interrupted by the snores. Finally, all right. That was close, Ivan said. And his sister asked when they were escaping. Ivan shook his head, not yet. He needed her to sit tight for a little while longer. In the meantime, did she happen to know where their other sister was taken? Invaluable. Priceless did. She was with Sea Monster, and they lived in an old whirlpool in the ocean. Ivan nodded, all right. He looked his sister in the eyes as he put his shoes on and told her, no matter what, he would return. Stay strong. And in her eyes, for the first time in years, was hope. Ivan vanished with a step.
28:21 Speaker 00 In a few steps, he was at the coast where he might have wished he had taken some of his dad's money before leaving on the voyage. Because when it comes to buying things, turns out money is fairly necessary. That is, unless you're a great storyteller. I was gonna joke that it must be nice to be able to walk up to people and tell them, no, I'm not going to pay for passage on your ship because I'm going to tell you stories, and they're so good, and I'm such a good storyteller, that you won't even notice how long the trip takes. Like I said, I was gonna laugh that that never happens, but then I actually remembered that I was asked by the New York Times a few years back to tell stories on a Mediterranean cruise, so
29:04 Speaker 00 I guess free boat rides for stories apparently is a real thing that still happens. Even for fairly middling storytellers like yours truly. Thankfully, my storytelling wasn't so riveting that everyone on the boat stopped paying attention to where we were going and sailed us straight into a maelstrom. The whirlpools loomed in the sea ahead. Sea Monster demanded a sacrifice. Presumably, he didn't say it, but that's the first place the sailors' minds went, so that's what was happening. They cast lots, and Ivan shrugged when it came to him. "Well, guess I'll die." "It's been fun, guys," he said, picking up his bag. Even though he was willing to just jump, the sailors were pretty adamant about doing that thing where one person grabs his hands
29:49 Speaker 00 and the other his feet, and they swing him out into the water. Maybe it was so that he could be a pretty clear sacrifice on behalf of the boat, but Ivan still thought it was fun. As soon as the whirlpool took him, the sky cleared and the sea calmed, proving that, once again, human sacrifice is always the right first instinct for solving any problem.
30:20 Speaker 00 We'll see Ivan's trip under to sea, but that will, once again, be right after this. Everyone talks about how challenging it is to raise kids, but what about protecting them? Outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, baby gates? Where do you even start? Well, protecting your home and auto is a great place to start. Progressive offers customized coverage options so you can be sure you have the right coverage for you and your loved ones. They're basically the outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, and baby gates of insurance. Don't wait. Get your quote today at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company, affiliates and other insurers. Not available in all states.
31:02 Speaker 01 Hey, I'm Niall Rogers, producer, songwriter, guitarist, and co-founder of the group Sheik. A great song has a way of defining a moment, a moment of joy, heartbreak, or anything in between.
31:18 Speaker 01 This fall, I'll be driving across the country, dropping in on some of the coolest, most fascinating artists working today. We'll go deep into their lives and careers and hear what it was like before the moment that made them. From hitmakers like Miguel...
31:35 Speaker 02 That last year, finishing that record was the hardest experience of my life. Regardless of how everyone else buys into this, I believe in this and I'm gonna push.
31:47 Speaker 01 To rising stars like Alex Warren.
31:50 Speaker 03 You know, a song is a story and the verse is setting the scene. And for me at least, it's allowing me to be personal and vulnerable with the audience, whether it's about my wife and I'm being vulnerable about her, or it's about, you know, my parents and I'm being vulnerable to them. And it's almost like a cinematic piece in a way where each song tells that beautiful story.
32:08 Speaker 01 It's gonna be one hell of a trip. Experience Before the Moment, a Lincoln Original Series on the iHeartRadio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
32:21 Speaker 05 This is Shirley Strawberry from the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability. And it starts with a great deal on an all-wheel-drive Camry, Corolla Cross, or a Corolla Sedan with the latest features and tech. Or test drive a spacious Grand Highlander or Adventure Ready RAV4. And with so many hybrid models available, you can enjoy longer trips without all the stops. While Toyota's legendary resale value means you could get more at trade-in, get a great deal today and a great value tomorrow. Shop toyota.com for deals and details. Toyota, let's go places.
33:12 Speaker 00 Ivan made it because he didn't fight it. He didn't try to get to the surface, but went with the whirlpool as it pulled him down into the darkness. He hit the ground hard, having passed through the edge of the bubble into breathable air. Presumably, the story doesn't point this out, but that's where I'm gonna draw the line for realism here. Ivan looked up and saw someone he had never seen before, but someone he recognized. Her, invaluable princess, his sister, sitting next to him. Sea Monster. The story is pretty sparse on details when it comes to exactly how Sea Monster looked, but I can't not think that he looked like Deep Sea King from One Punch Man, just probably wearing more than a Speedo.
33:57 Speaker 00 Sea Monster rose from his throne and thunder seemed to follow his steps as he walked over, saying it had been so long since he had eaten fresh flesh, and lo and behold, it dropped right into his hands. "How much do you usually tip your DoorDash driver?" "Hahaha, I'm just kidding. I'm evil. I don't tip." His sharp teeth flashed in the glowing light of the cavern as his black, almost reptilian eyes studied every inch of Ivan. "Now, I only have to decide which end to begin eating you." "Hey, my name's Ivan. I'm actually your brother-in-law, and you know what? I'm just gonna say it. When family comes to town, it's rude to kill and devour them." Ivan shrugged, just saying.
34:37 Speaker 00 "Quote, 'That's too much,' shrieked the Sea Monster. He comes to force his own rules and regulations upon the homes of other people." Ivan might have argued that while he respected other cultures' beliefs, he didn't actually buy into moral relativism, and while he didn't want to make waves, he had to draw his own moral line at someone killing him and eating his flesh. But we're at the scene in the movie where the shadow looming over the character grows, and then the camera pans out to two shadows of one brutally consuming the other. Ivan shook his head up. "You know what? Better to just dance it out." What did he say? Did he say "dance it out"? Sea Monster looked to his shrugging fish subjects. But before he could look back to Ivan, the
35:22 Speaker 00 prince had his harp out.
35:34 Speaker 00 Oh my gosh, you are just so fun and I was about to eat this guy! Sea Monster laughed, taking a break after two hours of his whole hull erupting into a surprise dance party. It did sound fun, too. Everyone there, rich and poor, master and servant, all dancing and laughing together. Even a whale danced a, quote, "German dance." And some cart busted out their own instruments. It really does sound fun. Now, everyone was worn out, and Sea Monster clapped for his servants to get this kid whatever he wanted. Ivan was the guest of honor. After Sea Monster had fallen asleep, Invaluable leaned over. "Hey Ivan, hi, nice to meet you." "Get out of here," she whispered. Sea Monster was capricious.
36:18 Speaker 00 He would change in an instant and eat Ivan. She had seen it so many times before, he needed to leave while he could. "You're coming with me, and Priceless. Hey, also, do you know how we can free Priceless from Forest Monster?" "And, okay, while we're at it, free you from here." Ivan smiled. And yeah, the only thing more surprising for me than the fact that Ivan jumped in a whirlpool not knowing how he would free his sister from the monster at the bottom of it, is that it appears to be going very well. The sister was annoyed to have to make up her own escape plan, but she'll be lying if she said she hadn't thought about it every day for 16 years. Here's what he needed to do.
37:11 Speaker 00 Ivan rose from the ocean, just outside the realm of Sea Monster. And after he waved goodbye to the sturgeon who took him to the coast, Ivan looked at the guards off in the distance. In addition to their guns, they carried lances on their back. A little old timey, but it was less about jousting and more about messaging. Rather, sending a message because on each of the lances on each of the guards backs was the impaled head of a king or prince who had come seeking the hand of the Tsar Maiden, i.e. the Maiden King. Many had come seeking her hand, and all that remained of those who came before looked down on Ivan in various states of decay.
37:53 Speaker 00 Ivan took a deep breath. "All right, the invaluable never said this would be easy. In fact, she said it would be extremely difficult, and it was basically a death sentence. But he would go back with the sisters, or he wouldn't go back at all. And going back with them apparently meant marrying the Tsar Maiden. And marrying her meant jumping her fence. Yeah, that was it. Single warriors had fought until exhausted. They died. Armies had crashed and broken against the might of the Tsar Maiden. None of them, however, had a magical invisible cap." Ivan was over the fence in about 10 minutes, but only because he was trying to be very sneaky. Once he was in, he found himself in a magnificent garden with a cool and shimmering
38:37 Speaker 00 pool. And the Maiden King, in a robe. She called her handmaids, 20 young women just like herself, saying that they were all going to bathe together right now. "It's hot. See how the sun burns?" But no worries, no evil eye could see them in the garden, be on their fence. Not even a fly could pass through. All right, time to disrobe, everyone." Ivan, once he realized what was happening, snatched the cap from his head. There was a difference between completing the trial and winning her hand and being invisible and watching the Maiden King bathe. She and all the other women screamed, but the Maiden King cocked her head and studied the youth. Hmm.
39:21 Speaker 00 Running to her fence, she saw all of her soldiers still alive and well, sharpening their weapons and probably putting some Fabreeze on those heads, smiling. She said many brutal wooers had come trying to take her by force with violence and blood. He, whoever he was, had found another way. Using his intelligence and his craftiness, he arrived as a gentle guest. The maiden king beckoned Ivan into her white stone halls. The pair was married in a grand ceremony, and the entirety of the Tsar Maiden's realm celebrated, mainly because they loved their new ruling pair and were happy the Tsar Maiden was happy, also mainly because she opened up the food stores and the wine cellars, and everyone got the week off.
40:06 Speaker 00 It was after they had been married for a little while that Ivan asked her. He had arrived with a purpose, but he found he loved her, and that purpose became secondary. It was still pressing, though. He sighed and told her about his sisters. The Tsar Maiden paced the room as she listened to the story. At the end, she nodded. Okay, she would save priceless and invaluable. When it came to invaluable, the good thing about fighting underwater was that there was no way for the enemy to staunch his bleeding wounds. And for Forest Monster, among the trees deep in the forest, no one could hear him scream. A chill ran down Ivan's spine. He could see why at least Sea Monster had been afraid of her.
40:51 Speaker 00 Was she really going to war with Forest Monster and Sea Monster? Absolutely, the Tsar Maiden said, and rang the bell. If they don't heed the edicts from my hedgehog attorney and my sparrow scribe. Whaaat? Ivan froed his brow as the animals came in the room. It's pretty straightforward and also very unexplained. The Tsar Maiden had a hedgehog lawyer and a sparrow scribe. The story doesn't say what their names are, but in my head, they are Bearister Bristle, for the hedgehog, and Scribbles. The edicts to the Forest Monster and the Sea Monster promised that the Tsar Maiden would take them into custody and deliver them To a cruel death if they didn't give up the women immediately.
41:34 Speaker 00 And the monsters took the legal threat crafted by the two adorable animals seriously, and released the women at once, knowing that they could do nothing to stand against the czar maiden. And both women marveling at the power of their new sister-in-law made their way to the kingdom. While they were feasting in her white halls, Ivan penned one more letter. It was to his father, Czar Wisehead, inviting him to dinner in Ivan's new kingdom, that he ruled with his wife as czar and czar maiden. Ivan might have pointed out that the name was inaccurate now that they were married, but he wasn't about to tell her that. He did want to tell his father that rather than strength and valor and violence, wit
42:18 Speaker 00 and intelligence could prevail overall. Sometimes a self-playing harp was as useful as a blade made with Damascus steel. Now that he was triumphant, he invited his father to join him, his wife, and his sisters. The banquet was ready. He folded the letter, sent his message, and went to dinner, content that he had rescued his sisters without so much as picking up a sword, relying solely on his intelligence, his craftiness, and his wife's threats of brutal violence.
43:01 Speaker 00 So there's not much for cultural context when it comes to the story. It was translated by Robert Bain in the 1890s, a British historian, from stories that came from somewhere in the Russian Empire, which at the time bordered the German Empire in the West and encompassed Finland and Poland and bordered Iran to the South. So, as we've talked about before, wide range of peoples and cultures that get kind of flattened out when the writers at the time just referred to them as Russian stories. One pretty clear value does shine through, though, and it's the value of wit and intelligence over violence and strength, and that Ivan, the protagonist, never once even touches a weapon or hurts anyone. Which is actually fairly rare when it comes to stories on this podcast.
43:45 Speaker 00 Next time, it's our Halloween episode. But if you're looking for something in the meantime, check out Fictional, our podcast where we do this, but with stories from classic lit and public domain. Next week, we wrap up season six with a third part of our telling of the original Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Links in the show notes.
44:08 Speaker 00 The creature this time is Garm from Norse Myth. So before the gates of H E L, Hell in Norse Myth, the cold realm of the dishonored dead, a dog sits waiting. Now, you might think, a dog? Okay, how many heads does he have? Just one? Hmm, a little sparse in the heads. Is his tail made of snakes? No? Wow, seems a little weak compared to Cerberus in Greek myth. Well, okay, sure. But the only thing having three heads to guard the underworld tells people is that you need three heads to guard the underworld. Also, I will say that compared to the revolving door that is the Greek underworld, I've read all the sources on Norse Myth, and I can't think of anyone escaping or breaking into Hell.
44:53 Speaker 00 Even Odin couldn't get his son back. Garm, the dog, does have four eyes, though, and that's not to imply that he's wearing glasses. He also is permanently splattered in blood, which, not sure if that's something that just stays on him or if he regularly gets a fresh coat. Regardless, I have no desire to mess with him. What he hates most of all, though, are when people are unkind in life, and he will pay them back by being particularly mean to them in Hell. Maybe getting one of those fresh blood splatters he's so fond of. Seems a little hypocritical to hate meanness, but to respond to that meanness by being mean. But what do I know? I'm not an otherworldly dog. Apparently Garm's howl will signal the beginning of Ragnarok,
45:36 Speaker 00 the doom of the gods in Norse myth, where the disparate groups oppressed by the Aesir, the ruling gods, will voice their displeasure with the arrangement by rising up against them in a pitched battle where everyone dies. We actually covered it back in episode 88, where I looked back at it and yeah, we mentioned Garm in one sentence, but not even by name. And yeah, everyone dying includes Garm, who in his last act, will meet the former dog lover, Tyr, killing him but dying in the process. I can just picture Tyr, who had his hand bitten off by Fenrir, Loki's monstrous wolf child, confident on the battlefield, and then immediately freaking out and losing it when he saw yet another aggressive monster canine coming at him and screaming that this was his nightmare.
46:26 Speaker 00 That's it for this time. Myths and Legends is by Jason and Carissa Weiser. Our theme song is by Broke for Free and the Creature of the Week music is by Steve Colmes. There's a list of other music we used in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time.
46:45 Speaker 06 This is Colin Coward from the Colin Coward Podcast. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability. All starts with a great deal on an off-road ready Tacoma or a half-ton Tundra, two of Toyota's most capable and longest-lasting trucks. Built on a reputation for quality and reliability, Toyota trucks are known for holding their value, which could mean big savings when it's time for your next Toyota. For a great deal today to a great value tomorrow. Shop toyota.com. Toyota, let's go places.
47:17 Speaker 01 Hey, I'm Niall Rogers. This fall, I'll be driving across the country, meeting some of today's coolest and most fascinating artists. We'll explore the stories before the moments that changed everything. Because every musician remembers the moment where it all began. Experience Before the Moment, a Lincoln Original Series on the iHeartRadio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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