Spooky Boys Halloween Special | FILE_24 | Mystery Boys

The official Mystery Boys merch drop has landed. Show off how long your taint is by heading to: https://store.ymhstudios.com/ 🎟️ Duncan Trussell Tour: ⁠http://duncantrussell.com/tour⁠🎙️ Kurt Metzger Tour: ⁠https://punchup.live/kurtmetzger⁠ 🦊 Buster (Tanner's Friend From School): https://instagram.com/mysterybuster666 Make sure to follow:🍕 Jeremiah Watkins: https://www.instagram.com/jeremiahstandupWatch Jeremiah Watkins: Crazy Pizza on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvcgbaWDzyU🗡️ Jamar Neighbors: https://www.instagram.com/jamar_neighbors SPONSORS: Don’t sleep on [@ultrapouches]. New customers get 15% Off with code MYSTERY at https://takeultra.com! #UltraPouches #ad Welcome to Mystery Boys, the podcast from YMH Studios hosted by Kurt Metzger and Duncan Trussell. In this Halloween special, Kurt and Duncan investigate demon face syndrome and prosopometamorphopsia, the German bandit Peter Niers and his three-day execution in 1581, Peter Stumpp the Werewolf of Bedburg, death by a thousand cuts, and Duncan Trussell's real ghost story from the Omni Royal Orleans hotel in New Orleans and the 2006 Zack Bowen case. They also cover Gnostic Voudon and the Esoteric Order of Dagon, Kenneth Anger's Invocation of My Demon Brother and Scorpio Rising, William James, pimple stars, zit popping videos, butthole breathing, and Buster's Halloween ghost story. Then Blade the vampire hunter, played by Jamar Neighbors, returns to settle his beef with T-Vein, a 700-year-old vampire played by Jeremiah Watkins. After T-Vein drains Duncan and sends him home sick, Kurt referees the vampire rivalry with the Vampire Court of Austin, a walrus baculum, and a dart gun, then breaks down Clavicular, looksmaxxing, hardmaxxing, the black pill, and leg lengthening surgery. Plus Patton Oswalt's Dave Chappelle apology, sologamy and women who marry themselves, and Macaulay Culkin's band The Pizza Underground. Mystery Boys File_24 https://www.instagram.com/duncantrussellhttps://www.instagram.com/kurtmetzgercomedyhttps://www.instagram.com/mysteryboyspodcasthttps://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:36 - A Taste Of The Fourth Eye 00:21:53 - The Worst Death Penalty Ever 00:32:17 - The Mystery Boys' Scariest Experiences 00:38:59 - The Gnostic Voudon Rabbit Hole 01:03:25 - The TRUTH behind Demon Face Syndrome 01:10:13 - William James, Nitrous King 01:17:50 - Translocation 01:21:08 - The Vampire Rivalry 01:29:24 - The History of T-Vein 01:39:09 - The Origins Of Vampire Beef 01:50:06 - Clavicular and Looksmaxxing 02:04:30 - The Mystery of MLK's Infidelity 02:08:49 - Clavicular and Length Maxxing Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Duncan Trussell?

  Y'all, we heard your relentless requests for merch and it's finally here. That's right. You wanted it, we got it, we did it. And now there's two Ts to choose from. The podcast art with our faces on it. And of course, so everyone feels included, LGBTQ CIA. I'm not in the CIA. I'm the hot dog man. But if I was in the CIA, you better believe I'd wear this shirt all over the CIA building, deep underground, while I was in the midst of mutating dwarfs and transforming them into Manchurian candidates. I'd look down at my shirt and know that I was supporting the best podcast on earth.

• 1:14Duncan Trussell?

  So if you're gay or in the CIA, why don't you order this shirt? They're both on sale now. It's store dot Y M H studios dot com.

• 1:50Kurt Metzger?

  Hi, I'm local Austin comedian Ron Josh Hammer.

• 1:53Duncan Trussell?

  And I'm DJ Molecule.

• 1:56Kurt Metzger?

  And we are, once again, it's another episode of.

• 2:01Duncan Trussell?

  The Mystery Boy.

• 2:06Kurt Metzger?

  That's right. I want to say, state for the record, this Kamala Harris shirt, yes, I did vote for her, but I am still wearing it ironically.

• 2:15Duncan Trussell?

  Let me just say this, can I just say this right now? You're a local Austin comic.

• 2:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yes.

• 2:20Duncan Trussell?

  And I, you're somehow for no reason at all, your bullshit on Instagram pops up on my fucking feed. I just want to say, everyone's sick of your shit. Nobody wants to hear what you think about the Cornell seven. Nobody gives a fuck what you think about.

• 2:34Kurt Metzger?

  I just think men need to start taking accountability for what men do in Cornell.

• 2:37Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God. No one cares about you. Do you understand that? No one cares what you have to say. No one cares about what you have to say at all.

• 2:44Kurt Metzger?

  I would feel like I'm letting people down if I don't.

• 2:47Duncan Trussell?

  You have no one you're letting down.

• 2:48Kurt Metzger?

  I see a lot of people online going, where are the men?

• 2:51Duncan Trussell?

  But.

• 2:52Kurt Metzger?

  And that's why I, you know, I weigh in as a.

• 2:56Duncan Trussell?

  You don't need to weigh in.

• 2:57Kurt Metzger?

  Why?

• 2:58Duncan Trussell?

  Because no one cares about your opinion. No one's interested in what you have to say. No, you, you're, you understand. You're, you're like.

• 3:05Kurt Metzger?

  Silence is violence, whispering is molestering.

• 3:07Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God. I want you to, molestering isn't a word.

• 3:11Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I'm only a two-year comic. I haven't, you know, I've only been doing it a couple of years. And one of those years, I was like off and on a lot.

• 3:19Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, I need to ask you something. Cause I've honestly, I've been wanting to talk to you for a while, what you represent.

• 3:25Kurt Metzger?

  Because of my infuriating posts on various social media.

• 3:27Duncan Trussell?

  I want to talk to you about something. How is it that you're calling yourself a comic, but nothing you post is funny?

• 3:33Kurt Metzger?

  Um, well, you got it. The thing is, you gotta have clips. That's what they tell you now.

• 3:37Duncan Trussell?

  You need clips that are fun, that should be funny.

• 3:40Kurt Metzger?

  Well.

• 3:41Duncan Trussell?

  A few, one, one out of three.

• 3:42Kurt Metzger?

  But how can I get funny if I don't have clips? So do you see the catch?

• 3:46Duncan Trussell?

  It shouldn't be where you practice.

• 3:48Kurt Metzger?

  Um, well, look, man, you're one of these guys that gets a lot of stage time. And so it's easy for you to talk, but, um, you know, I'm still waiting to get my bucket pull from Kill Tony.

• 3:58Duncan Trussell?

  You'll get the pull. I promise you'll get the pull one day.

• 4:01Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I'm sleeping in the back of the creek in the caves.

• 4:03Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, that's sad.

• 4:04Kurt Metzger?

  Well, it's a lot of people like that. That's pretty cool. You live off the food truck.

• 4:08Duncan Trussell?

  How many people sleep back there?

• 4:11Kurt Metzger?

  It gets pretty toasty sometimes.

• 4:13Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God.

• 4:15Kurt Metzger?

  It can get really toasty.

• 4:17Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, well.

• 4:18Kurt Metzger?

  What is this? Oh, the odds of the bucket pull? Do you remember when they were talking about the rigged bucket pull of Kill Tony?

• 4:24Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, God. Let's, can we pull up the thing about don't eat ass if you've had diarrhea? Don't let them eat your ass if you had diarrhea.

• 4:30Kurt Metzger?

  I'm sorry, since when?

• 4:33Duncan Trussell?

  And you need to see this local Austin comic. I had a feeling this, this is something I want you to watch closely.

• 4:39Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, this comes up a lot at the creek.

• 4:42Duncan Trussell?

  You shouldn't, if you've had.

• 4:43Kurt Metzger?

  The Creek Halfway House.

• 4:44Duncan Trussell?

  If you've had diarrhea, don't let someone eat your ass. You know that, right? Like common sense.

• 4:50Kurt Metzger?

  What if I got diarrhea from eating ass?

• 4:52Duncan Trussell?

  You have to, then that means you've got to swear off eating ass?

• 4:55Kurt Metzger?

  What if I was in the caboose in a human's N and P recently?

• 4:58Duncan Trussell?

  Can we pull this, turn the volume up? This is Dr. Josh, he's, he's a great doctor.

• 5:02Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, Dr. Josh, that's my name. Josh Ronheimer.

• 5:06Duncan Trussell?

  Let's hear it.

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Don't let anyone eat your ass if you've had diarrhea. I'm Dr. Josh, your favorite urologist and sexual health expert. Wait to have sex at least one to two weeks after having diarrhea. Active gastrointestinal illness means high levels of infectious bacteria, viruses, or parasites are present, creating a severe risk of transmitting pathogens like shigella, E. coli, or giardia to the oral liver. So remember.

• 5:27Kurt Metzger?

  Wait.

• 5:27Duncan Trussell?

  Did you get that?

• 5:29Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, how, how much, honestly, is ass eating a part of your repertoire?

• 5:35Duncan Trussell?

  Me?

• 5:36Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 5:37Duncan Trussell?

  I'm married.

• 5:38Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, so I mean, are you eating ass like that?

• 5:43Duncan Trussell?

  I'd love to eat ass again.

• 5:45Kurt Metzger?

  You want to be in God's holy arrangement of marriage first.

• 5:48Duncan Trussell?

  A hundred percent. And that's why the, the, the institution of marriage exists so that one can eat ass guilt free. But married or not, if you've had diarrhea, don't let someone eat your ass. And there's people like you don't seem to know that.

• 6:01Kurt Metzger?

  Can they eat my diarrhea still?

• 6:02Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I don't know. I'll have to ask Dr. Josh.

• 6:05Kurt Metzger?

  So what do I do? Just, uh, Dr. Josh, just wipe it off my chest and then go eat something else?

• 6:11Duncan Trussell?

  If someone's having diarrhea on your chest.

• 6:15Kurt Metzger?

  Well, they're taking a lot of laxatives to get the party started.

• 6:18Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, listen, I.

• 6:19Kurt Metzger?

  You call them party starters.

• 6:20Duncan Trussell?

  I'm not going to king shame you, man. I'm not going to king shame you, but in general, I would swear off of letting people eat your ass if you've had diarrhea. It's, I know it's a lot. I know this is probably rocking your world to hear things like this. And I know people like you spit in the face of scientists.

• 6:37Kurt Metzger?

  No, I, I just got a flu shot and a COVID shot. Um, uh, I'm looking at a picture of Joe DeRosa back there. It says D view, okay? I just want that picture to be up on this episode because I want to tell you that Joe, and he'll tell you this, it's not like a secret. He's a big getting his ass eaten guy.

• 6:56Duncan Trussell?

  Is that true?

• 6:57Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, he made me laugh so hard how he explained about like, if he's getting a blowjob, he just starts lifting himself up to try to.

• 7:05Kurt Metzger?

  Seriously, it's like a.

• 7:06Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, no.

• 7:08Kurt Metzger?

  Let me picture Joe now. And I gotta tell you, I have to ask him about how his, I don't know how his.

• 7:14Duncan Trussell?

  He's talked about this publicly. He's awesome.

• 7:17Kurt Metzger?

  He's an animal.

• 7:18Duncan Trussell?

  He's awakened. That's an awakened being, that's not an animal. He's comfortable in who he is.

• 7:22Kurt Metzger?

  Joe worships Baphomet, okay.

• 7:27Duncan Trussell?

  He's comfortable, he's comfortable in his body.

• 7:37Kurt Metzger?

  I choked on my legal belt and I was.

• 7:38Duncan Trussell?

  You gotta have a lot of respect for a man who admits to pushing his butt up to get his ass eaten. That's, you know what I mean?

• 7:45Kurt Metzger?

  While he's on his back.

• 7:46Duncan Trussell?

  While he's on his back, that is like.

• 7:47Kurt Metzger?

  Wearing his, his own ankles for earrings.

• 7:50Duncan Trussell?

  That's Austin comic, these are the kinds of things you should be looking at, studying and learning.

• 7:55Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, that's most of my set is about eating ass and stuff and like, it's like the whole thing. Pretty much my whole set is that.

• 8:02Duncan Trussell?

  Do you push up when you long for analingus?

• 8:04Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I've never tried it.

• 8:08Duncan Trussell?

  Have you ever experienced the feeling of longing for someone to eat your ass?

• 8:12Kurt Metzger?

  What is the German word for it?

• 8:15Duncan Trussell?

  Cohen?

• 8:15Kurt Metzger?

  Vardenfrug.

• 8:17Duncan Trussell?

  Vardenfrug.

• 8:18Kurt Metzger?

  That's a, you know, it's like schadenfreude.

• 8:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 8:20Kurt Metzger?

  But it's a wishing of someone would eat your ass.

• 8:22Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stanley Kubrick had that. He said that that.

• 8:25Kurt Metzger?

  That bad vardenfrug.

• 8:26Duncan Trussell?

  That informed much of his work. The whole clockwork orange is based on that poignant feeling when it gets late at night.

• 8:32Kurt Metzger?

  As you know, Volkswagen's motto for a while, vardenfrug. And then it turned out that diesel was a lie. And it was actually worse for the environment. And so they had to change that.

• 8:42Duncan Trussell?

  I didn't know that. That's so interesting.

• 8:44Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, the sudden urge to eat ass.

• 8:46Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 8:46Kurt Metzger?

  It pertained to the emissions from the diesel.

• 8:48Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, they say this was like the general feeling of World War II Germany is like, and they, they say that Hitler supposedly, it's the art school, if you've been accepted into art school, wouldn't be Hitler. They say that the real truth is that no one wanted to eat Hitler's ass. Did you know that?

• 9:05Kurt Metzger?

  I find that hard to believe.

• 9:06Duncan Trussell?

  Read his diary, yeah. Read his diarrhea.

• 9:11Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, my. Uh, the gentleman's guide to rimming, a posh term for eating ass. And this is from, what is this? Eminem magazine?

• 9:19Duncan Trussell?

  First of all.

• 9:20Kurt Metzger?

  Eminem magazine? Oh, it's about, okay.

• 9:21Duncan Trussell?

  Rimming is not a posh term. More signs that were in the Kali fucking Yuga. Rimming is not a, is not posh. Never was a posh word.

• 9:29Kurt Metzger?

  What a time for gay men to be alive, it says. Why? Cause you can eat a peach like you, like you had a stroke? Look at that, look at, look at his mouth. It looks like the guy had a stroke.

• 9:37Duncan Trussell?

  I just like that someone, that you need this information. Can you scroll down?

• 9:41Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, maybe he got a parasite.

• 9:42Duncan Trussell?

  How do you prepare your ass for rimming?

• 9:45Kurt Metzger?

  Nothing.

• 9:45Duncan Trussell?

  I wonder.

• 9:46Kurt Metzger?

  Nothing can prepare you.

• 9:49Duncan Trussell?

  You wash it. Let me guess, you washed it.

• 9:51Kurt Metzger?

  Sprung on you by some.

• 9:53Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, look, you're supposed to wash your ass with mouthwash.

• 9:59Duncan Trussell?

  Interesting. Wow, we don't need that.

• 10:02Kurt Metzger?

  The birds and the bees, more furry talk.

• 10:04Duncan Trussell?

  So, look, let's get, let's get dark real quick. We don't need to keep going over this weird homoerotic stuff. I want to talk-

• 10:11Kurt Metzger?

  That's why they call him Joey Roses, because he moves his ass up.

• 10:13Duncan Trussell?

  This is the week of Halloween.

• 10:17Duncan Trussell?

  This is the week of Halloween. This is the witching time. This is the week where the veil between two worlds grow thin. Kurt, what are your thoughts on the celebration of Halloween, AKA gay Christmas?

• 10:33Kurt Metzger?

  I think it's like way beyond gay. Christmas is just, I often say a guy is gay is Christmas, so that's crazy.

• 10:39Duncan Trussell?

  I've never heard that before.

• 10:41Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, it's an old, uh, old, old saying.

• 10:43Duncan Trussell?

  And I've never thought of Christmas as being gay.

• 10:45Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it's a very merry gay time.

• 10:50Kurt Metzger?

  But, uh, I would call it the, um, satanic gay Christmas.

• 10:54Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, so do you think it's a satanic time right now?

• 10:57Kurt Metzger?

  I'll be out hunting witches.

• 10:58Duncan Trussell?

  What are you gonna be-

• 10:59Kurt Metzger?

  As you know, I don't just stand by and criticize-

• 11:02Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 11:02Kurt Metzger?

  Magic practitioners. I'm actively hunting them with Blade.

• 11:05Duncan Trussell?

  Why do you, why do you two do that? You're getting people killed.

• 11:09Kurt Metzger?

  Well, a lot of them, in fairness, turn out to just be homeless, but-

• 11:14Duncan Trussell?

  It's not good.

• 11:15Kurt Metzger?

  Well, they don't have a, a police force to speak of here.

• 11:18Duncan Trussell?

  Do you buy into what people say, which is this time of year?

• 11:23Kurt Metzger?

  Like, cut out the part about that I admit to a series of serial murders with Blade. But make sure you cut that out.

• 11:29Duncan Trussell?

  Do you buy in, do you buy-

• 11:31Kurt Metzger?

  I'm a local comic, I can't have that. I'm a local Austin comic, I can't have that going around.

• 11:34Duncan Trussell?

  Do you buy into the idea that the veil between this world and the, do you even believe in another world?

• 11:43Duncan Trussell?

  They say right now, the veil between worlds is thinner, you can contact spirits now.

• 11:48Kurt Metzger?

  Well, it's funny you brought up that butthole stuff at the top, because as a matter of fact, uh, that's, uh, the veil gets gaped around this time of year.

• 11:56Duncan Trussell?

  Really? So gaping is like a cold practice?

• 12:00Kurt Metzger?

  Well, it's just-

• 12:01Duncan Trussell?

  The gaping of the veil?

• 12:02Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 12:02Duncan Trussell?

  So the veil opens like a gate?

• 12:04Kurt Metzger?

  Well, it's a lot like how when they would, you know, that horrible show Stranger Things is based on when you stop a kid's heart-

• 12:10Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 12:11Kurt Metzger?

  To forcibly eject them-

• 12:13Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 12:13Kurt Metzger?

  From their body-

• 12:14Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 12:14Kurt Metzger?

  Through a micro, like a two micron wormhole that you made with a particle collider.

• 12:19Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 12:20Kurt Metzger?

  Many of the children, of course, have exotic matter damage to their retinas and shit from this practice. And, uh, anyway, you can send that piece of the consciousness, but it has no mass.

• 12:29Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, okay, so I've told you about this. In tantric Buddhism, there's a practice where you can open, where they open the back-

• 12:37Kurt Metzger?

  Trapaining the front?

• 12:38Duncan Trussell?

  No, they can do it through meditation, where they can open the back of their skull and eject their consciousness through a slit in the back of their skull. I know someone who-

• 12:46Kurt Metzger?

  Not a physical slit?

• 12:47Duncan Trussell?

  I know, I know, it's a physical slit, you could slide a blade of-

• 12:50Kurt Metzger?

  You're telling me their skull has a butthole?

• 12:51Duncan Trussell?

  No, they can open up their skull. I, I know someone who's seen it, you could slide a blade of grass into it. They can do it, and they eject their consciousness. So what you're saying-

• 12:59Kurt Metzger?

  Why would I need to open my skull for that if it could go right out of my body?

• 13:02Duncan Trussell?

  I don't fucking know. I guess you need to open a little slit. Pop out your soul.

• 13:08Kurt Metzger?

  You need to have a, a brain, like a skull vagina.

• 13:11Duncan Trussell?

  Soul slit. It's called a soul slit. You pop it out.

• 13:14Kurt Metzger?

  Look that up, will you? I, I don't understand why that would be necessary for a thing with no mass. It could easily pass through my skull.

• 13:19Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, pull up conscious, tantric consciousness ejection.

• 13:22Kurt Metzger?

  It's, uh, now, oh, wait, go back to that illustration. Is this what you're speaking of?

• 13:26Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 13:27Kurt Metzger?

  Look at that, wow.

• 13:28Duncan Trussell?

  It's a great movie, but that's what I'm talking about.

• 13:30Kurt Metzger?

  He got his fucking skull slit blown out.

• 13:35Duncan Trussell?

  He overdid it.

• 13:36Kurt Metzger?

  Guy overdid it.

• 13:37Duncan Trussell?

  Overdid it.

• 13:38Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, that guy must have a fat-

• 13:40Duncan Trussell?

  If you don't know what you're doing.

• 13:40Kurt Metzger?

  Fat turgid soul to be, causing that kind of damage.

• 13:43Duncan Trussell?

  He just did it, he pushed too hard. It's a prolapse.

• 13:47Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, he had a soul lapse from his-

• 13:50Duncan Trussell?

  Soul lapse. He puffed it out. He puffed out his cut.

• 13:53Kurt Metzger?

  To beat gaping dragon, wait, gaping dragon?

• 13:56Duncan Trussell?

  There's not a gaping dragon in Dark Souls, is there? That's terrifying.

• 14:01Kurt Metzger?

  It has a bait-

• 14:02Duncan Trussell?

  Nobody wants to fight that boss.

• 14:04Kurt Metzger?

  You gotta bait the slam attack, is it?

• 14:07Duncan Trussell?

  Bait the slam attack.

• 14:09Kurt Metzger?

  Bait the slam attack.

• 14:10Duncan Trussell?

  Watch for the charge.

• 14:11Kurt Metzger?

  Driep drink, uh, bait the slam attack. Get your soul butthole, out your skull, slam attack.

• 14:17Duncan Trussell?

  Wow, he's in Night Rain 2. I've never played that.

• 14:19Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 14:20Duncan Trussell?

  I didn't play Night Rain.

• 14:21Kurt Metzger?

  Beating gaping jaw. What, a lot of gaping in Elden Ring, uh, Elden Ring?

• 14:23Duncan Trussell?

  Did you ever play Elden Ring?

• 14:25Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I don't remember the gaping, uh, so much.

• 14:27Duncan Trussell?

  There's nothing that I remember gaping in Elden Ring.

• 14:31Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, is that the gaping dragon?

• 14:33Duncan Trussell?

  Let's take, let's take a look at this thing.

• 14:38Kurt Metzger?

  Please don't gape the dragon, let the dragon snore, you can try to get your penguin-

• 14:43Duncan Trussell?

  You know, I don't want to seem like I don't know anything about gaping, but I, I'm curious, like, what, what, what's the technical definition of a gape?

• 14:51Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, to warp or stretch.

• 14:53Duncan Trussell?

  But what, is it like you're, you're, you're stretching it with your hands? People don't like open their ass, like-

• 14:59Kurt Metzger?

  No, any, any gay way you do it is a gape.

• 15:02Duncan Trussell?

  So if you open it with, like, you can just loosen, or if you pull-

• 15:05Kurt Metzger?

  Now, if you, you're in a heterosexual marriage before God, if your wife gaped, uh, that wouldn't be called a gape. That would be called a, uh, I don't know what the term is for marital gape.

• 15:15Duncan Trussell?

  Can you look up marital gaping?

• 15:17Kurt Metzger?

  Gape. It's not gay. It'd be called, uh-

• 15:20Duncan Trussell?

  Marital gaping. It's not gonna be there. What, what are we doing? I guess image search, but-

• 15:25Kurt Metzger?

  The marriage gap. It's called gapping.

• 15:27Duncan Trussell?

  What are the advantages of an age gape?

• 15:33Duncan Trussell?

  Nothing like an old gape.

• 15:35Kurt Metzger?

  Do you think that is too big of an age gape between me and my, my girl?

• 15:41Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, come on.

• 15:46Kurt Metzger?

  What is being gay?

• 15:49Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, how do we, how we, can a 33-year-old date a 23-year-old? I did, what? What do you mean can?

• 15:55Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, Austin comic, I'm sure you have a lot to say about this, don't you?

• 15:59Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, my girlfriend's 23 and I'm 57 years old.

• 16:02Duncan Trussell?

  As an Aus-

• 16:05Kurt Metzger?

  It's legal, what? It's legal. Do I have a place? No.

• 16:11Kurt Metzger?

  I see her when, at the open mic.

• 16:12Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, look, I want, I want you to focus now, Kurt, because I really, it's Halloween, you're, all you're doing is talking about gapes. Tell me something legitimately supernatural, spooky, how, in the spirit of Halloween that happened to you.

• 16:25Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, that happened to me?

• 16:26Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 16:28Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I got my ass gaped yesterday by some guy.

• 16:32Duncan Trussell?

  Get up, get past the gapes.

• 16:33Kurt Metzger?

  Blade, me and this guy, it went bad with the- Things went bad with the hobo, and, uh-

• 16:38Duncan Trussell?

  God damn it.

• 16:39Kurt Metzger?

  He lived and my butthole didn't.

• 16:41Duncan Trussell?

  God damn it. Come on, give me something spooky.

• 16:44Kurt Metzger?

  He keeps asking the new girls to write with him?

• 16:49Kurt Metzger?

  Do you know how I, you know how I get a gape going? I ask the new comics to write jokes with me.

• 16:54Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, God, that's horrible.

• 16:56Kurt Metzger?

  I ask real comics if they want to write.

• 16:58Duncan Trussell?

  Tell me something spooky.

• 17:01Kurt Metzger?

  Um, I'll tell you something spooky, but it's not that happened to me.

• 17:03Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, let me hear it.

• 17:05Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, because you have to look it up, because I can't, okay? In Germany, they had a kind of French Revolution in like the 1500s? Of shepherds, of like angry shepherds. I think it was like a, really German shepherds, uh, 1500s? And there was this famous highwayman who was a corrupt, he led a gang of corrupt shepherds, and he was a fucking fucked up, I mean, he did fucked up, Liberian Civil War kind of shit.

• 17:30Duncan Trussell?

  Okay.

• 17:30Kurt Metzger?

  Like eating the, you know, the baby being cut from the, real bad shit.

• 17:35Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:36Kurt Metzger?

  And, uh, they said he could chain, no.

• 17:40Duncan Trussell?

  Come on.

• 17:42Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, wait, that is him. Yeah, so, uh, his name, uh, was Nutters and, uh-

• 17:46Duncan Trussell?

  Come on, don't throw him off, you dicks.

• 17:48Kurt Metzger?

  He was a very bad boy.

• 17:50Duncan Trussell?

  Keep, keep, keep-

• 17:51Kurt Metzger?

  Nutters, stop eating that baby. Nutters, no.

• 17:54Duncan Trussell?

  Keep going, keep going, keep going.

• 17:56Kurt Metzger?

  That's our Nutters.

• 17:56Duncan Trussell?

  So you have this brutal-

• 17:58Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, do I have to look it up, or can you look it up? I'll look it up if you can't. If you can't, um, uh, follow it.

• 18:07Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, fucking Christ.

• 18:08Duncan Trussell?

  They're fucking with us. They don't want to look it up.

• 18:11Speaker 04

  You said to Google German Shepherd Revolution. That's what you said. And then you're like, it was like French, I don't know.

• 18:18Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, now you're trying to guess. I said no such thing. I said no such thing, and the tables show that you're a fool. We're in German shepherds, uh-

• 18:32Kurt Metzger?

  No, I think you sound crazy right now. Honestly, Tanner, you sound fucking crazy.

• 18:43Kurt Metzger?

  Did I say that?

• 18:46Kurt Metzger?

  Did I say those exact words?

• 18:48Duncan Trussell?

  This is just nuts.

• 18:50Kurt Metzger?

  I said 1500s, so that would have disambig-

• 18:53Duncan Trussell?

  German Shepherd Revolution.

• 19:20Duncan Trussell?

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• 20:05Duncan Trussell?

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• 20:49Duncan Trussell?

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• 21:24Kurt Metzger?

  I'm talking to Grok. All right, wait.

• 21:27Duncan Trussell?

  Here we go. Here we go. Look. No, not look up shepherd, German.

• 21:31Kurt Metzger?

  It might have been during the President's War.

• 21:33Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yeah. German shepherd. There's no way to look it up. It's not going to show dogs.

• 21:40Kurt Metzger?

  No, the guy got tortured like he had the worst death penalty I ever heard of.

• 21:44Duncan Trussell?

  What happened to him?

• 21:45Kurt Metzger?

  That's where we got to find it.

• 21:47Duncan Trussell?

  German shepherds did not exist in the 1500s. What the fuck?

• 21:52Kurt Metzger?

  Hold on.

• 21:53Duncan Trussell?

  That's crazy. That's the best.

• 21:55Kurt Metzger?

  Peter Stump.

• 21:56Duncan Trussell?

  We can stop the show now.

• 21:58Kurt Metzger?

  I'll find the name. Peter Stump with two Ps.

• 22:00Duncan Trussell?

  There are no German shepherds.

• 22:01Kurt Metzger?

  Get the rest of the shit off and just put the name. God damn.

• 22:03Duncan Trussell?

  There he is. The werewolf of Bed.

• 22:11Kurt Metzger?

  Peter, with two Ps.

• 22:14Duncan Trussell?

  Peter.

• 22:14Kurt Metzger?

  S-T-U-M-P.

• 22:16Duncan Trussell?

  Stump.

• 22:17Kurt Metzger?

  There you go.

• 22:18Duncan Trussell?

  Wow.

• 22:19Kurt Metzger?

  And they call him, yeah, in Bedburg.

• 22:26Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, I'm Josh Bedberg. I'm a local Austin comic and we're talking Peter Stump. There you go.

• 22:33Duncan Trussell?

  Wow. Wapping off the head.

• 22:35Kurt Metzger?

  We don't trust the court back then.

• 22:36Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, they cut his head off with a sword, Game of Thrones style.

• 22:39Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, but that was after they had like, keep scrolling up. So basically it was like a bunch of peasants uprising and, but he was a shepherd or something. Okay, there we go. Wait, wait, wait.

• 22:54Kurt Metzger?

  He was a wealthy farmer.

• 22:56Duncan Trussell?

  They called him Stump because his left hand had been cut off.

• 22:59Kurt Metzger?

  That's not him. That's not him. Sorry. That's a different werewolf.

• 23:04Duncan Trussell?

  It's gotta be the same guy.

• 23:05Kurt Metzger?

  No.

• 23:08Kurt Metzger?

  No, it's not. It's a guy that, in fact, I think that movie coming out about.

• 23:12Duncan Trussell?

  Is it about him?

• 23:13Kurt Metzger?

  I think it's probably related to that.

• 23:19Duncan Trussell?

  Well, shit.

• 23:20Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

• 23:21Duncan Trussell?

  This one's really petering out.

• 23:23Kurt Metzger?

  I know.

• 23:24Duncan Trussell?

  Started off good.

• 23:26Kurt Metzger?

  Maybe it's the Munster Rebellion?

• 23:28Duncan Trussell?

  Peter Steub?

• 23:30Kurt Metzger?

  No, he's not a warrior.

• 23:32Duncan Trussell?

  It's the same guy.

• 23:36Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I'm sorry. Hans Bohn, it looks like.

• 23:38Duncan Trussell?

  Hans Bohn.

• 23:43Duncan Trussell?

  Is that him?

• 23:45Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, no. Hans Bohn's? That'd be pretty cool. The Piper of Niklausen.

• 23:50Duncan Trussell?

  Look up the Piper of Niklausen.

• 23:53Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know. Anyway, the dude fucking led a gang of like shepherds and they would ambush people and eat them and do this. And they said he could churn into a street sign.

• 24:03Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 24:04Kurt Metzger?

  He could change form into a street sign and a dog. It was something like really random. And anyway, but he terrorized the countryside and then he finally got caught at like a sauna or something. He was at a public like steam room. And somebody goes, hey, you're that guy. Somebody just recognized him and his entire like invisibility that he had for some reason was just gone in one second.

• 24:25Duncan Trussell?

  The sauna.

• 24:26Kurt Metzger?

  And then they fucking, they, the way they executed him was so crazy.

• 24:31Duncan Trussell?

  How'd they do it?

• 24:32Kurt Metzger?

  Worst executions, maybe look up in German, worst German execution is 1500s.

• 24:37Duncan Trussell?

  You don't remember how they did it?

• 24:38Kurt Metzger?

  It's like the wheel and then they fucking chopped his arms off and they did like the worst.

• 24:43Duncan Trussell?

  It's crazy, the amount of torture instruments there are out there. Like it's crazy.

• 24:48Kurt Metzger?

  I know. And you know, I don't know, like, okay, let's see. Peter Niers, that's it. Oh, Peter Stump was after Peter Niers.

• 24:58Duncan Trussell?

  It's crazy. They're both Peters.

• 25:01Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, man. It's a lot of Peter. Yeah.

• 25:04Duncan Trussell?

  Alleged German serial killer and bandit.

• 25:08Kurt Metzger?

  Are we saying it was, okay.

• 25:11Kurt Metzger?

  Keep going down. Does it say he?

• 25:13Duncan Trussell?

  544 murders, including 24 fetuses cut out of pregnant women. Allegedly the fetal remains were to be used in magical rituals and for acts of cannibalism.

• 25:24Kurt Metzger?

  If he were alive today, we would have saved his life for the CIA. Okay. Peter Niers, it was a loosely knit network of violent murderous bandits roaming German countryside. And let's see.

• 25:38Duncan Trussell?

  Ugh.

• 25:39Kurt Metzger?

  I'm trying to find the part where it says he had a.

• 25:42Duncan Trussell?

  At the end of his career as a murderer. I think it's interesting that that's considered a career.

• 25:48Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, he's a herdsman. And he starts off like an anti-hero and then he becomes like a serial killer.

• 25:54Duncan Trussell?

  Wow.

• 25:56Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, yeah. Keep going. He's credited with other supernatural powers and particularly the ability of physical transformation. He could change his shape into that of a log or a stone. But according to a late ballad, he also could become a goat, dog, or cat at will, or a log.

• 26:13Duncan Trussell?

  The log.

• 26:14Kurt Metzger?

  It's like Naruto.

• 26:15Duncan Trussell?

  They're all useful though.

• 26:17Kurt Metzger?

  He was a master of disguises.

• 26:22Duncan Trussell?

  He would change into that of a leper. Well, you know, okay.

• 26:24Kurt Metzger?

  He carried two loaded pistols in his trousers, if you know what I mean.

• 26:28Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, here's what's interesting about this. Have you heard this before?

• 26:31Kurt Metzger?

  He also carried a huge two-handed sword, if you really know what I mean.

• 26:34Duncan Trussell?

  I saw this documentary on Satanists and supposedly, and I can't remember which Satanist it was, but they like to take on different personalities. Like they like to put on disguises and become other people. Have you heard that before?

• 26:47Kurt Metzger?

  They're called actors. And Justin Trudeau. They like to, man of a thousand faces. Not me. I'll remain true to what I've always been. Local Austin comic. Just trying to get in that bucket.

• 26:58Duncan Trussell?

  You never wear disguises. Let's scroll down. Final arrest, torture.

• 27:02Kurt Metzger?

  I am what I am. And that is a great local comic looking for a shot.

• 27:05Duncan Trussell?

  A late ballad contains the circumstances under which Niers was discovered, leading to his arrest. He was at an inn called The Bells. A couple of days later, he went to bathe at a public bathhouse, leaving behind his precious bag with magical materials, the warlock bag. At this time, Niers had achieved notoriety and his physical appearance had circulated. What, blah, blah? Let's get to the good stuff. Peter Niers was tortured and then executed.

• 27:30Kurt Metzger?

  In his magic bag. Look at that. No, no, wait. You're skipping way over it. A cooper recognized him and they whispering spread that's the guy. Niers himself was oblivious to the changing mood and two citizens slipped out of the bathhouse and went to the inn. There on request, the innkeeper gave him Niers' bag. They open it and it contains several severed hands.

• 27:49Duncan Trussell?

  And hearts from murdered fetuses.

• 27:52Kurt Metzger?

  The hand thing, he did that shit. That hand thing is something, now that is a thing I've heard quite a lot about.

• 27:57Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 27:59Kurt Metzger?

  It's all so gross. Wait, wait. They open it, it contained the hands. A force eight men gather around, apprehended him. When they understood, when he understood what they found in his sack, he admitted he was guilty and confessed. He was tortured and then executed over the course of three days in 1581. On the first day, strips of flesh were torn from his body and heated oil was poured into his wounds. Then they called him gay. Come on.

• 28:24Duncan Trussell?

  That's so sad.

• 28:25Kurt Metzger?

  On the second day, his feet were smeared with heated oil and then held above a glowing coal, thereby roasting him. Like to, and give him a nice, oh, this is a real Halloween treat. On the third day, he was dragged to a place of execution and broken on the wheel. The wheel was slammed down upon him. Wait, they just slammed a wheel on him? Is that what that means?

• 28:46Duncan Trussell?

  42 times.

• 28:47Kurt Metzger?

  Then he was dismembered by quartering.

• 28:49Duncan Trussell?

  Wow.

• 28:51Kurt Metzger?

  Ooh.

• 28:53Duncan Trussell?

  What's the difference between quartering?

• 28:54Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, Christman, look at that guy. Christman Jennipertanenenga. What the fuck is that name?

• 29:02Duncan Trussell?

  He killed 964 people. These serial killers in Germany were, they make our serial.

• 29:07Kurt Metzger?

  They really got that many?

• 29:09Duncan Trussell?

  Sure. Well, you know why?

• 29:11Kurt Metzger?

  And why are they all in the 1580s?

• 29:12Duncan Trussell?

  Because back then it was so easy to murder people. They didn't know about fingerprints. They didn't know about DNA.

• 29:18Kurt Metzger?

  You actually had to have a bag of baby hands.

• 29:20Duncan Trussell?

  You could go around with a bag of baby hands and hearts.

• 29:23Kurt Metzger?

  It took them years to figure it out. Like, I think we should look in the bag.

• 29:25Duncan Trussell?

  Why does your bag smell like shit, man?

• 29:28Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know. I mind my business. I am bathing.

• 29:31Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 29:32Kurt Metzger?

  Is he Swedish now?

• 29:33Duncan Trussell?

  But you could kill, it was much easier.

• 29:34Kurt Metzger?

  I am not, I am.

• 29:37Duncan Trussell?

  Committing a murder in the 1500s was remarkably easy, but getting away with it was quite difficult. Give me a break.

• 29:43Kurt Metzger?

  Indefinitely, was it?

• 29:45Duncan Trussell?

  No, because like they didn't have, they didn't know about fingerprints back then. They didn't know, it would be like if you wanted to kill a random person, you're not getting caught.

• 29:55Kurt Metzger?

  How common was home, homieside? That's when you kill a friend, I believe. Homieside?

• 30:00Duncan Trussell?

  Homieside. That's actually the name of my first album.

• 30:03Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, no shit?

• 30:04Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 30:05Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, cuz back in, you got that, that kind of, uh, that, I like your vibe. And back then it was like you're watching gangster rap come in.

• 30:13Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 30:13Kurt Metzger?

  We gotta stop all this killing. It's called homieside.

• 30:16Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, exactly. We're speaking out against it. Like, don't kill no more drive-bys.

• 30:20Kurt Metzger?

  A lot of you making prayer hands?

• 30:22Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 30:24Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 30:25Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, we did it. That, well, that's pretty creepy. That's pretty Halloweeny. I'm surprised you don't have any personal experiences with a paranormal.

• 30:33Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I jerked off to that.

• 30:35Duncan Trussell?

  To the Peter Niers? Or to homieside?

• 30:38Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, to your raps.

• 30:40Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, that's what they were made for.

• 30:42Kurt Metzger?

  It's called homieside.

• 30:42Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 30:44Kurt Metzger?

  I just would, uh, make a...

• 30:46Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, the whole thing, the beats were made to edge yourself to.

• 30:49Kurt Metzger?

  That's, yeah, edge rap I'm getting really into.

• 30:52Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 30:53Kurt Metzger?

  Um, so what are you looking up tortures? I mean, look, there's a lot of ways to jerk your dick off. You don't have to see all of them. There's a lot of ways to goon. We don't need all of them.

• 31:03Duncan Trussell?

  Look up death but-

• 31:04Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, now there's the, the pear. Now there's a gaping device if I ever see. Oh, that's a fine gaping device.

• 31:09Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:10Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it'd be a real gaper, that pear bee.

• 31:16Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, and they stick it down below.

• 31:19Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up death but from a thousand cuts.

• 31:23Duncan Trussell?

  This is, you could actually find real pictures of someone having this, where they would just slice you for a few days.

• 31:28Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, a thousand?

• 31:29Duncan Trussell?

  Well, if you got there, usually you didn't make it to a thousand. But they would just like slice you. This was, I think, a Japanese form of execution. They would just slice you over and over. Slice bits of your-

• 31:40Kurt Metzger?

  Olinchi, yes, of course.

• 31:41Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. Do image search. You could see, you could, there's actually a real picture of it.

• 31:48Kurt Metzger?

  But what's the point of it?

• 31:49Duncan Trussell?

  Well, I mean, what's the point of any kind of torture? It just fucks you up very slowly. It's just a horrible way to die.

• 31:55Kurt Metzger?

  Was the whole public watch that?

• 31:56Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. You would just slowly like slice up their ears, slice up their nose, slice up their nips, slice up their belly button.

• 32:04Kurt Metzger?

  It's called homicide.

• 32:05Duncan Trussell?

  And it, it was a brutal way.

• 32:08Kurt Metzger?

  So, and it's public, right? So everybody has to watch it?

• 32:10Duncan Trussell?

  You don't have to. I mean, if you wanna go watch, you can watch.

• 32:13Kurt Metzger?

  No, people watch it and I bet it, um, so the trauma of watching something that's repulsive?

• 32:18Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 32:18Kurt Metzger?

  But it's a society normalized thing, right?

• 32:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

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• 33:21Kurt Metzger?

  Um, and then so that shapes you. That's like, it's like ways of shaping the people, you know? They, they also had a lot of, uh, castrated, uh, they all eunuchs, right?

• 33:32Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 33:33Kurt Metzger?

  Like eunuchs won't try to fuck my wife and whatever, but then the eunuchs-

• 33:36Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 33:36Kurt Metzger?

  Actually rebelled. Cuz they're like, hey, we're smarter. We're not weighed down by our balls.

• 33:42Kurt Metzger?

  Ew. Well, that, oh yeah, but that one, um-

• 33:44Duncan Trussell?

  That's the last guillotine execution.

• 33:46Kurt Metzger?

  Fat chick or something, the fat, one fat arm chick now that they botched your execution.

• 33:51Duncan Trussell?

  Who's the one, oh.

• 33:52Kurt Metzger?

  But she wished she had that.

• 33:54Duncan Trussell?

  I know. Yeah. So you don't have any, I, well, it's weird to me that you've never seen a ghost.

• 34:00Kurt Metzger?

  I didn't celebrate Halloween.

• 34:01Duncan Trussell?

  You've never experienced any-

• 34:03Kurt Metzger?

  So you're saying just in my life?

• 34:04Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 34:06Kurt Metzger?

  Um, uh, um.

• 34:13Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 34:16Kurt Metzger?

  It's not, it's not haunted or something, but it is weird, spooky to think about now.

• 34:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 34:21Kurt Metzger?

  When, um, the Charlie Sheen roast?

• 34:25Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 34:25Kurt Metzger?

  No, I didn't go to Charlie Sheen's house. I think just McGuire did and Mike Frugie and maybe Sebastiano.

• 34:31Duncan Trussell?

  Can I just say this is the most Hollywood ghost story I've ever fucking-

• 34:35Kurt Metzger?

  It's not a ghost story, but it's weird as shit.

• 34:36Duncan Trussell?

  Go ahead.

• 34:38Kurt Metzger?

  Anyway, so I was like, what was it like? And McGuire's like, oh, it was weird. There's this guy that was around him who like, would like get between them. Like, I just wanna make sure you're not trying to fuck, fuck over my man. He was like doing an impression of the guy. I'm like, ugh.

• 34:50Duncan Trussell?

  Uh.

• 34:50Kurt Metzger?

  I go, who was he? He's like, I don't know, he like sells him watches or something? I mean, McGuire's like, oh, I let him know what time it is. He was making fun of him. Okay.

• 34:58Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 34:59Kurt Metzger?

  Anyway, years later, Lenny Dykes was talking about how some guy who sold watches was blackmailing Charlie and then Charlie had him killed. So I'm dying to ask McGuire if that's the guy.

• 35:10Duncan Trussell?

  And had to have been. Had to have been.

• 35:12Kurt Metzger?

  Lenny Dykes, uh, there's a lot of hilarious Lenny Dykes, I don't even follow baseball, but I know somebody picked him up in a Uber one time and, and what, and Lenny Dykes asked him what they thought of Lenny Dykes, and the dude's trashing him.

• 35:24Duncan Trussell?

  Wow.

• 35:24Kurt Metzger?

  And then he's like, I don't know, I think he's got it okay. He's like-

• 35:28Duncan Trussell?

  So the Charlie Sheen watch dude, that was Charlie Sheen's handler, basically. That was just someone who had his-

• 35:33Kurt Metzger?

  It was some guy that saw something that he did and then, uh, oh, that's the one he said to get, they gave him a hot dose. Like Charlie, that's what the claim is from Lenny Dykes, right? It's on my, I'm right there. I found Charlie to be very congenial.

• 35:46Duncan Trussell?

  He seems great.

• 35:47Kurt Metzger?

  I found him to be a very charismatic.

• 35:50Duncan Trussell?

  He seems like a great dude.

• 35:51Kurt Metzger?

  Um, a guy that would, uh, you know, he'd, he'd get a can of Crisco before he gapes your ass, uh, uh, between shots on Lucas. You know, guy who'd have the decency to Crisco up.

• 36:03Duncan Trussell?

  I'll tell you, you wanna hear my, let me tell you-

• 36:04Kurt Metzger?

  Gapes you hard.

• 36:05Duncan Trussell?

  I'll tell you my ghost story, cuz this is our Halloween episode. This happened to me at, and if I talked about it, stop me. This happened to me at the Omni Hotel in New Orleans, where we're both gonna be for Skank Fest. I don't know if we're staying at Omni. Probably not. But I had this crazy fucking dream, man. And in this dream, I'm in Antarctica. I am in a tent. I hear a thump, boop. And I go out of my tent and there's a body bag on the fucking, in the snow. And I unzip this body bag and there, laying in the body bag is a corpse that looks like Pete Holmes.

• 36:47Duncan Trussell?

  There's a note in his pocket. I pull the note out and the note is a love letter to my girlfriend at the time. I get jealous.

• 36:55Kurt Metzger?

  He's gonna pick your Pete up so he can really-

• 36:57Duncan Trussell?

  I get jealous. I get jealous in the dream, right? And I gra, and like, the corpse is alive. It's like a zombie. And I escorted out of the Arctic, right? Woke up, it was such a weird dream. I never write my dreams down. I wrote it down.

• 37:09Kurt Metzger?

  Did you tell Pete Holmes? That's the only final piece.

• 37:11Duncan Trussell?

  I think, I don't know if I've told him this story. The next, the next night, I'm at the bar in the Omni. And I asked the bartender, are there any ghost stories? You know, it's New Orleans. Is there any ghost stories about this hotel? And she's like, you wanna know the one we're not supposed to tell guests? I'm like, yeah. She's like, well, a dude chopped his fucking girlfriend up. Put his, put her body parts in a freezer, came here, jumped off the Omni with a suicide note in his pocket. And that was my, that's my only ghost story. Like, I had a, that was-

• 37:44Kurt Metzger?

  Pete Holmes is alive.

• 37:45Duncan Trussell?

  No, I know, but look up New Orleans-

• 37:48Kurt Metzger?

  Whoa, New Or- look, New Orleans is alive.

• 37:50Duncan Trussell?

  Hurricane Katrina, guy cuts his girlfriend up. And look what he looks like. This is, it's obvious-

• 37:55Kurt Metzger?

  Pete Holmes?

• 37:57Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, yeah. Yeah, it's like the way my brain translated it was Pete Holmes. It was the closest I could get to it. Pull it up. Look at him.

• 38:07Duncan Trussell?

  You know, it's obviously not exactly Pete Holmes, but-

• 38:09Kurt Metzger?

  Let's get it, let's go. Oh, it's pretty close.

• 38:13Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. So like he-

• 38:14Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, wait, no, the, oh, oh, sorry, that's the girl. Where's the, that's the guy?

• 38:18Duncan Trussell?

  Come on. But yeah. This, this, I know that's not Pete Holmes, kinda got the same hair color, but sort of-

• 38:25Kurt Metzger?

  You see a note and the freezer, yeah. Mm-hmm. You're bickering it up a little bit jumbled.

• 38:30Duncan Trussell?

  It's like, it made me think like, you know, the human-

• 38:33Kurt Metzger?

  Why'd he do that again?

• 38:35Duncan Trussell?

  Why'd he chop his girlfriend up, Zack Bowen? I don't know.

• 38:41Kurt Metzger?

  What did she do?

• 38:42Duncan Trussell?

  But this is my only real ghost story. Like, this actually, this, this actually happened and I didn't know anything about it. And like, and it was, the dream was so intense that I fucking wrote it down.

• 38:53Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, that was a little Pete Holmes. Like, so you're saying that this guy's innocent, Pete Holmes did it?

• 38:56Duncan Trussell?

  Look, in the back pocket, they found a note, reading. This was in the dream. It was in his front pocket, but it was in his pockets. A note in the pocket.

• 39:05Duncan Trussell?

  Uh, if you send a patrol to 826 North Rampart, Rampart, you'll find the dismembered corpse of my girlfriend Addie in the oven, on the stove and in the fridge, along with full documentation on both of us in a book.

• 39:16Kurt Metzger?

  Police rush to address a small apartment above the voodoo spiritual temple. Once inside-

• 39:20Duncan Trussell?

  But here, this is the other crazy thing. Cuz in the dream, when I escorted him out of the Arctic, I was in what I thought was like a record store. But it, it was a voodoo store. It's like my stupid brain, your brain only has like certain, like, colors in it. That's what a ghost interacts with. It's like a printer. It's only gonna print whatever the colors are on the printer, a player piano. It's only gonna play what it can.

• 39:44Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, no, I get it. I, I, I, that's very interesting, actually.

• 39:47Duncan Trussell?

  That's my real ghost encounter.

• 39:49Kurt Metzger?

  So why do they live above a voodoo store?

• 39:52Duncan Trussell?

  I don't fucking know, but-

• 39:54Kurt Metzger?

  Man, I would never wanna live above no fucking voodoo store.

• 39:56Duncan Trussell?

  No, hell no. Never.

• 39:59Kurt Metzger?

  Fucking crazy.

• 40:00Duncan Trussell?

  What got, what got into him? And was that voodoo store still open?

• 40:04Kurt Metzger?

  Well, the stuff that they do to program people, by the way, Gnostic Voudon is like very popular for those purposes.

• 40:10Duncan Trussell?

  What is that?

• 40:12Kurt Metzger?

  Um, it's, it's, I don't know, actually. It's voodoo, but I guess like, do however you want. I don't really understand. Gnostic means-

• 40:19Duncan Trussell?

  I didn't know that there was Gnostic voodoo.

• 40:22Kurt Metzger?

  Voudon. Vudun. I don't know how you say it. How do you guys say it? Voudon or vow, vudun?

• 40:28Duncan Trussell?

  Vudan, Austin comics.

• 40:30Kurt Metzger?

  V O, we put, uh, no, yeah, there you go. V O U.

• 40:33Duncan Trussell?

  Huh.

• 40:34Kurt Metzger?

  Put a pronunciation.

• 40:35Duncan Trussell?

  A modern esoteric and magical system that defines-

• 40:38Kurt Metzger?

  It's modern, dude. It's not old or something.

• 40:39Duncan Trussell?

  Gnosticism, Martinism, Thelma and Neopathagoras.

• 40:42Kurt Metzger?

  So it's everything, dude, yeah, dude, so-

• 40:44Duncan Trussell?

  It's a mishmash, isn't it?

• 40:46Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, it's, um,

• 40:50Kurt Metzger?

  go soon. Voudon?

• 40:52Duncan Trussell?

  Voudon.

• 40:54Kurt Metzger?

  No shit, it's Voudon. Voudon, okay, whatever.

• 40:59Duncan Trussell?

  Can you pull up Gnostic Voudon on YouTube? See if there, we could see anyone doing a ritual?

• 41:06Kurt Metzger?

  And there's also something called the Esoteric Order of Dagon, that's a real fucking group.

• 41:10Duncan Trussell?

  What is that? Dagon?

• 41:12Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, it has to do with, um, getting your lizard brain to consume your fucking frontal cortex, but I guess metaphorically to unlock the inner.

• 41:23Duncan Trussell?

  Ah.

• 41:24Kurt Metzger?

  Whatever. They're gross. These people are gross.

• 41:27Duncan Trussell?

  And they're not awkward.

• 41:27Kurt Metzger?

  Let's see, let's see what this, with freighter.

• 41:31Duncan Trussell?

  Freighter.

• 41:31Kurt Metzger?

  Freighter Skyrim. I always call them freighter Skyrim.

• 41:36Kurt Metzger?

  So are you just saying father, but you don't want to say father? So you're saying freighter?

• 41:40Duncan Trussell?

  Is that what freighter means?

• 41:40Kurt Metzger?

  Or is that what you mean, brother? Is freighter mean brother? Like fraternal, maybe? I don't know. Let's, let's find out a spooky.

• 41:49Duncan Trussell?

  I want to see a ritual.

• 41:49Speaker 04

  Hello, welcome to Talkdosis. Today we're talking to Frasier Fomary, AKA Eduardo.

• 41:55Kurt Metzger?

  Look at his little silly faces, like he's got a girlfriend in the freezer.

• 42:01Kurt Metzger?

  What? I live above a voodoo, a vodune shop and nothing to it.

• 42:07Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, this guy's got my glasses.

• 42:10Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my God, you're right.

• 42:12Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, let's see. Vodune.

• 42:16Speaker 04

  Nosticism.

• 42:17Duncan Trussell?

  I want to see a ritual. I don't want to see these two people talk.

• 42:20Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I just don't know what he says about it.

• 42:22Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, let's hear it.

• 42:22Kurt Metzger?

  Hear him, hear him out. Hear the freighter out.

• 42:24Duncan Trussell?

  All right, let's hear it.

• 42:25Kurt Metzger?

  Get afraid to get a table dance.

• 42:26Duncan Trussell?

  Hear the freighter out.

• 42:27Kurt Metzger?

  Get afraid to get a table dance.

• 42:30Speaker 04

  Uh, for those watching at home, you will see the link going across the screen. Definitely pick it up. For anybody listening, I'm going to put the link in to the show notes below. You can also go to Eduardo's.

• 42:40Kurt Metzger?

  I don't think that part's jeremy into them.

• 42:43Kurt Metzger?

  Need to get up here.

• 42:44Speaker 04

  Vodune would, will be the, the star of, of the name. And of course, vodune is strictly related to religion.

• 42:53Duncan Trussell?

  This is, this accent is the same ad accent that teaches you how to use Blender online.

• 42:59Speaker 04

  We only have.

• 43:00Kurt Metzger?

  I also teach Blender.

• 43:02Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 43:03Speaker 04

  Read about it in some pages and we don't have the exact idea of what vodune is.

• 43:09Duncan Trussell?

  How does this just seem like the least magical shit you've ever seen in your life?

• 43:13Speaker 04

  And somehow related to African religions.

• 43:15Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you gotta get, you know.

• 43:17Duncan Trussell?

  Nothing about this strikes me as particularly magical potent. It just feels dead.

• 43:22Speaker 04

  Maybe on a bookstore and see the title, maybe they will think, oh.

• 43:26Kurt Metzger?

  Do you feel like you know anything more about vodune now?

• 43:29Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, can you do me a favor, guys? Pull up.

• 43:32Kurt Metzger?

  There's something to do with religion, maybe. I don't know.

• 43:35Duncan Trussell?

  Guys, pull up Kenneth Anger. Pull, pull up.

• 43:38Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, he's an angry guy.

• 43:39Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Kenneth Anger.

• 43:40Kurt Metzger?

  No, we don't have the pages.

• 43:42Duncan Trussell?

  My demon brother on YouTube. Anger, not Inger, anger.

• 43:47Kurt Metzger?

  We don't, oh, again in my, uh, factory.

• 43:50Duncan Trussell?

  This is like, to me, what it looks more like. Yeah, play that invocation of my demon brother. Let's just show Kurt this for a second. You know what it looks like to me more.

• 44:02Kurt Metzger?

  Oh God, the three golden balls. That's wrong.

• 44:04Duncan Trussell?

  The three balls.

• 44:06Kurt Metzger?

  You know what that is?

• 44:07Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 44:08Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I know what I think it is, but I think that's the, uh, Mickey Mouse is actually made of this.

• 44:14Duncan Trussell?

  Oh God, that's so creepy. You could, you could keep talking over this. It's just like, keep playing it.

• 44:20Kurt Metzger?

  It's just, uh.

• 44:22Duncan Trussell?

  I, you've never seen this before?

• 44:25Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, sound massage.

• 44:27Duncan Trussell?

  Sound massage.

• 44:28Kurt Metzger?

  Can you massage the sound a bit? It's a little bit.

• 44:32Duncan Trussell?

  If you found the original one, it.

• 44:37Kurt Metzger?

  Can we just fast forward a little bit? Here's one reason why I would never practice, uh, magic is because it takes as long as church.

• 44:44Duncan Trussell?

  No, leave it right here. Leave it right here.

• 44:46Kurt Metzger?

  Now, that is unnatural and I am truly horrified.

• 44:49Duncan Trussell?

  Keep playing.

• 44:50Kurt Metzger?

  I didn't know I was going to be faced with this.

• 44:52Duncan Trussell?

  Keep playing.

• 44:53Kurt Metzger?

  Go ahead, play. I don't want to, watching an albino on Halloween is.

• 44:58Duncan Trussell?

  Good luck.

• 44:58Kurt Metzger?

  Bad vodune. It's not good vodune.

• 45:01Duncan Trussell?

  It's good luck. This is an actual ritual. You're watching a ritual.

• 45:05Kurt Metzger?

  It looks like a bunch.

• 45:08Duncan Trussell?

  That just looks like.

• 45:08Kurt Metzger?

  It looks like a bunch of.

• 45:21Duncan Trussell?

  Can you, can you get out of this for a second? There should be two versions of this. One of them supposedly Kenneth Anger was going to get, uh, what's his name? Try that one. The, um.

• 45:33Kurt Metzger?

  Just fast forward to the kumshots.

• 45:35Duncan Trussell?

  Play, try, so one of them has a better soundtrack, which is far more disturbing. But Kenneth Anger wanted to get Mick Jagger to do the sound for this and Mick Jagger. That's a different Kenneth Anger. Go back, go back. And Mick Jagger only sent him, like, basically wasn't sending it to him.

• 45:52Kurt Metzger?

  I was going to ask you about, didn't he like curse him or some shit?

• 45:55Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, Kenneth, people are scared of Kenneth Anger. I think he's still alive.

• 45:59Kurt Metzger?

  No, he died, I thought.

• 46:03Duncan Trussell?

  Um.

• 46:05Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, he's openly gay. Who would have thought?

• 46:08Duncan Trussell?

  Did he, is, is Kenneth, is Kenneth Anger dead? But he, oh, he died in twenty twenty-three. I thought he was still alive. Rest in peace.

• 46:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, he made a bunch of like really cool, pull up Scorpio Rising on YouTube. You need to see these things, Metzger.

• 46:29Kurt Metzger?

  Um, I might have seen Scorpio. I know he's one of the first people.

• 46:34Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yes. I guess you'll have to put anger. That's so weird that that's the first thing that pops up.

• 46:41Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, this is bullshit.

• 46:43Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, there you go. Play that Scorpio Rising.

• 46:46Kurt Metzger?

  You know what I just realized I have?

• 46:48Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 46:49Kurt Metzger?

  I totally forgot about.

• 46:50Duncan Trussell?

  What is it?

• 46:54Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, hold on, hold on. Let me just get my hair.

• 46:59Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, that's so good. I need one of those. You, I guess it's, I guess it's the part of the show where you shame people with bad skin.

• 47:07Kurt Metzger?

  What? No, I'm fixing my skin. You.

• 47:09Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my God.

• 47:10Kurt Metzger?

  You turned me around.

• 47:10Duncan Trussell?

  Hey guys, welcome to the bully part of the show, where professional bully Kurt Metzger shames people with acne.

• 47:17Kurt Metzger?

  No, we're gonna just start that I've, we're just gonna restart the entire show.

• 47:21Duncan Trussell?

  You know what this is? You know what you're doing. Don't act like you're not.

• 47:24Kurt Metzger?

  Look, we'll cut to Kenneth Anger doing whatever thing it is.

• 47:27Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, okay.

• 47:28Kurt Metzger?

  And I'll have some pimple stars.

• 47:32Duncan Trussell?

  Okay.

• 47:32Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, what is wrong with a forty-nine-year-old man wearing pimple stars?

• 47:41Kurt Metzger?

  You know, uh, Dre, Dre Brink sells these?

• 47:45Duncan Trussell?

  No, I didn't know that.

• 47:46Kurt Metzger?

  Dre Brink.

• 47:49Kurt Metzger?

  He came to rock the stink. Dre Brink. He won't pay for drinks.

• 47:56Kurt Metzger?

  Hold on. Oh, how do you do these?

• 48:02Kurt Metzger?

  Hold on, I'm doing my stars.

• 48:06Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, here we go.

• 48:06Duncan Trussell?

  They're pimper grams.

• 48:09Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, you and your penta.

• 48:12Kurt Metzger?

  This one's right there. A lot of times we gotta zip like there. And then usually I'll get one like here on sides on my head, I get them.

• 48:21Kurt Metzger?

  These are medicated.

• 48:24Duncan Trussell?

  Let me have one.

• 48:25Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, have a couple, buddy.

• 48:26Duncan Trussell?

  Thanks, man.

• 48:27Kurt Metzger?

  See, this is a fun way. We put Bobby Lee, uh, because he was wearing his pimple stars.

• 48:32Duncan Trussell?

  Come on, he did not have pimple stars on.

• 48:34Kurt Metzger?

  Yes, he did. They were black. He did like a slimming black.

• 48:38Duncan Trussell?

  Nah, come.

• 48:42Kurt Metzger?

  Put, um, yeah, it's like Bobby Lee.

• 48:46Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, bad friends, pimple stars, blah, blah, blah.

• 48:53Kurt Metzger?

  No, we'll go in video.

• 48:54Duncan Trussell?

  These are hard to pull off.

• 48:56Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, well, they're medicated. There we go. I think he was talking to Sebastian Maniscalco. Sebastian was talking about driving.

• 49:05Duncan Trussell?

  I'm sure you have something to say about Sebastian, Austin comic.

• 49:09Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 49:10Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my God. Just don't even start. Don't even start.

• 49:16Speaker 04

  Must say something.

• 49:16Kurt Metzger?

  Must say something.

• 49:17Speaker 04

  This woman didn't say anything about it?

• 49:19Kurt Metzger?

  No, I said you got something on you. Like you, I thought it was like, um, from opening a gift that the one of the stickers.

• 49:24Duncan Trussell?

  This is Sebastian talking about it.

• 49:27Kurt Metzger?

  Dude.

• 49:28Duncan Trussell?

  This is not the thing. You just did a Sebastian joke where he's shaming people for, with skin problem.

• 49:34Kurt Metzger?

  But Bobby Lee.

• 49:35Duncan Trussell?

  Is that a thing with you guys?

• 49:37Kurt Metzger?

  My dream is to be wearing these.

• 49:38Duncan Trussell?

  What is that? Wait, what is that? You and Sebastian both are attacking people with acne.

• 49:43Kurt Metzger?

  Wearing them? No, not.

• 49:44Duncan Trussell?

  No, that was a bit of Sebastian making fun of people with acne, like what you like to do.

• 49:50Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, first of all, who's making fun?

• 49:52Duncan Trussell?

  Why? You're punching down.

• 49:54Kurt Metzger?

  You can't use these for acne, number one. Acne is a under the skin condition.

• 49:57Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know. I guess you're an expert on this. It helps your bullying.

• 50:01Kurt Metzger?

  Thank you. I am. As a matter of fact, I am. And in my expert opinion, you're being a real flat soda right now.

• 50:09Duncan Trussell?

  I'm not being a flat soda. I'm just tired of you attacking the weakest among us, people with skin conditions.

• 50:17Kurt Metzger?

  I'm a local Austin comic, so I'm the, there ain't nothing, they don't come no weaker.

• 50:21Duncan Trussell?

  You know what it's like? They can't do anything about it. They wake up in the morning, they're covered in a pustulent, virulent, plague-like mess on their face. They look, they look like they, they, they look like they're, they're lepers. And you're over here making, shaming them. And these stars are just some way to beautify their face. They live in a constant state of fear and, and sadness. And people like you are the reason that shit's happening in Ukraine, man.

• 50:49Kurt Metzger?

  Do you think Andrew Callahan will do the show?

• 50:52Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know. Could be a bridge you burned.

• 50:55Kurt Metzger?

  Why? Well, but I, look, see, it's like at all, anyway, Bobby Lee got to do the greatest gift of all, which is wear these pimple stars in front of Sebastian Maniscalco. Cause you know if Sebastian sees that.

• 51:08Duncan Trussell?

  He didn't have one on in that clip.

• 51:09Kurt Metzger?

  If he was on this show, Sebastian, I would be wearing these. And boy, would he get started. If his father saw people wearing these and he was alive.

• 51:17Duncan Trussell?

  Can you just put, pull up, I'll tell you what I do enjoy, though.

• 51:20Kurt Metzger?

  Can you imagine if his father saw these kids with these?

• 51:24Duncan Trussell?

  Can you pull up zip popping video, videos? I do like watching this.

• 51:28Kurt Metzger?

  If my father.

• 51:31Duncan Trussell?

  Do you ever watch zip popping videos?

• 51:32Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, no.

• 51:34Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, now we get to the root of it. Now we, now we get to the root of your bullying. Now let's play some, let's play some, because now we see what's going on. You have zip trauma. Play some pops.

• 51:49Kurt Metzger?

  Oh yeah, baby, pop that zip. Look at this, Kurt. Look, look. I'm not looking at it. This is who you bully. No, I don't like. Show me more, show me more. Look, Kurt, look.

• 52:03Duncan Trussell?

  Oh God, look at the glove. Look at the glove covered in pus. Look at the glove. Look at the gloves. Here, take the [BLEEP] and take the [BLEEP] and watch. Take the [BLEEP]. Oh yeah. Show you. Look Kurt, look. Look at your God. Look at your God. Behold the face of your creator. Look, show it. Show it. Now pump that squeeze. Oh yeah, look at that. Look at your God staring in the eyes of your Lord. Look at that which created you. Squeal.

• 52:37Kurt Metzger?

  Excuse me.

• 52:37Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. Oh, here's a good one. Wait, hold on. Oh, what a pop. What a pop.

• 52:45Duncan Trussell?

  Hmm, that was a good pop. Oh yeah. Come on now, that's a black head. Push that baby out. Come on, the mole gonna come out of the yard. Get that mole out of the yard.

• 52:54Kurt Metzger?

  I'm speaking.

• 52:55Duncan Trussell?

  Look. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

• 52:57Kurt Metzger?

  Get that off now, please. Thank you.

• 52:59Duncan Trussell?

  I can't even look. He can't even look. Oh, not so tough now, are we, bully?

• 53:05Kurt Metzger?

  You gotta take it off.

• 53:05Duncan Trussell?

  Not so tough, are we now, bully? When you see the reality, when you see what it is, what this condition is, when you see that pus, when you see that white head explode, when you see the release, the caldera. Look at that. Oh, look at that clump of mashed potatoes.

• 53:24Duncan Trussell?

  Look at that. That's a Thanksgiving meal.

• 53:30Duncan Trussell?

  What? What? Oh, does that frighten you? Does that make you feel sad to recognize what you are? To know that one day that's all you'll be. Puss beneath the earth, coffin candy.

• 53:46Kurt Metzger?

  Oh dude, I'd wait.

• 53:47Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, look at that. A little cherry, a little cherry flavor in, in that mashed potatoes. Grandma put a little cherry juice in the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving today.

• 54:00Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah dude, I was fucking going that whole time.

• 54:02Duncan Trussell?

  Did you go bye-bye?

• 54:04Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, wow. I popped like a zit just now.

• 54:41Duncan Trussell?

  Why'd you take off my video?

• 54:42Kurt Metzger?

  Because I don't wanna see it. Okay. Okay, wait, wait. Never mind this shit. Let's go.

• 54:50Kurt Metzger?

  You sent me a wonderful Instagram, Duncan, to the mystery boys group text.

• 54:57Duncan Trussell?

  Butthole breathing.

• 54:59Kurt Metzger?

  I'm gonna breathe my butthole.

• 55:01Speaker 05

  Today we are in the sauna doing red light therapy and I invite you to butthole breathe with me.

• 55:05Duncan Trussell?

  Hell yeah.

• 55:06Speaker 05

  When you're ready, wherever you are, sit up or stand up tall and begin to take a deep inhale for nine seconds into the nose. Ready? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Pause and hold the breath, squeeze the butthole nine times. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Release the breath for nine seconds. Imagine the breath coming up the vertebrae and out to the top of the head. Very nice. Hold the breath for nine seconds and pump the butthole nine times. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

• 55:50Speaker 05

  Relax. Release the shoulders down away from the ears. Job well done today, butthole breathers.

• 55:57Duncan Trussell?

  That's it?

• 55:59Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, was that told? Why'd you send that to me? I was doing it anyway.

• 56:02Duncan Trussell?

  I didn't send that to you.

• 56:04Kurt Metzger?

  That's from the...

• 56:05Duncan Trussell?

  I sent it to the group chat.

• 56:06Kurt Metzger?

  Did Tanner send? Tanner, did you send this?

• 56:08Duncan Trussell?

  No, I sent it, but not to you. I sent it to the group chat.

• 56:12Kurt Metzger?

  What, but, okay.

• 56:13Duncan Trussell?

  I didn't know that it was that. I just saw the headline.

• 56:19Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, wait, wait, wait. Um, yeah, what's next? Cause we have even more. Keep going. There's another one.

• 56:27Duncan Trussell?

  Oh Ted Lou. Oh yeah, I did.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  So why are Republicans so interested in Bill Hillary Clinton? It's because they're trying to distract from the fact that Donald Trump is in the Epstein files thousands and thousands of times. In those files, there's highly disturbing allegations.

• 56:46Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so I'm gonna pause Ted Lou. This is just to illustrate how much Ted Lou sucks as a guy.

• 56:52Duncan Trussell?

  How? Why?

• 56:54Kurt Metzger?

  Well, when I said I'm gonna stop you right there on Ted Lou, which we should stop right there on, um, he goes, there are allegations. Really Ted? That's, that's what you're...

• 57:05Kurt Metzger?

  Do you know what I mean? Like, don't, don't fucking tell my butthole to breathe and then, uh, you know.

• 57:11Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I know what you mean. Don't tell my butthole to breathe and show me Ted Lou.

• 57:16Kurt Metzger?

  This is the pelvic floor. What am I, a chick? Come on, go back.

• 57:19Duncan Trussell?

  Don't show me about Ted Lou and you tell me to breathe.

• 57:22Kurt Metzger?

  Stop it. Now, I wanna look at this guy. Dude, I don't like the look of him.

• 57:27Duncan Trussell?

  Ted Lou?

• 57:27Kurt Metzger?

  And it's not an Asian thing. Before you say that.

• 57:30Duncan Trussell?

  What is your problem with him?

• 57:32Kurt Metzger?

  He looks like a weird old baby.

• 57:36Kurt Metzger?

  You know how like I was...

• 57:37Duncan Trussell?

  By the way, do you know what the, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu, do you know what that means?

• 57:45Kurt Metzger?

  No.

• 57:46Duncan Trussell?

  Old baby.

• 57:47Kurt Metzger?

  Does it mean that?

• 57:48Duncan Trussell?

  It means old baby.

• 57:50Kurt Metzger?

  He's got Lao Tzu face back and honestly, he needs to like grow those kinda old Chinese Kung Fu eyebrows that go like into devil horns.

• 57:59Duncan Trussell?

  I know you mean. I know you mean. And it isn't an...

• 58:02Kurt Metzger?

  Do you, uh, enhance? Let's punch in on Ted Lou.

• 58:04Duncan Trussell?

  It's not a comment on ethnicity. It's like, it's like there is something to store. It's like this new model.

• 58:09Kurt Metzger?

  It's uncanny.

• 58:10Duncan Trussell?

  It's like, look, if, if we show, like, pull up the picture of all the, the weird Trump demons that they're showing. You know, you know what I'm talking about? Like that, someone put them together. It's got that look. It's like the, the holographic field that he's using to project a human appearance is, is like, the tech is like not, it's running out of batteries. Like they came here on ships and their batteries are running out.

• 58:34Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, who here is familiar with demon face syndrome?

• 58:37Duncan Trussell?

  I am, but I would love for you to talk about it.

• 58:39Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I want you guys to Google demon face syndrome because it's an assortment of Trump appointees and Ted Lou.

• 58:46Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, demon face syndrome. I wanted to bring it up on the last one.

• 58:49Kurt Metzger?

  Look, look at this diagram of demon face syndrome.

• 58:50Duncan Trussell?

  Show what it looks like. Cause people are saying they invented demon face syndrome to get us ready for what's hap- about to happen. Which is, this is exactly the MAGA plastic surgeon.

• 59:05Kurt Metzger?

  There's Representative Ted Lou.

• 59:07Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

• 59:08Kurt Metzger?

  Let's go back. Ted Lou, right there. Now that is his face and I think it's weird and I think it's gross. And I have no problem saying that and...

• 59:16Duncan Trussell?

  Now pull, pull up...

• 59:17Kurt Metzger?

  Don't you dare cut this part.

• 59:18Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up the good luck sleeping tonight one.

• 59:20Kurt Metzger?

  Record.

• 59:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, pull up the good luck sleeping tonight picture you have over there. Because like this is demon face syndrome is what these fucking Trump appointees are beginning to look like. What the fuck? Look at that.

• 59:32Kurt Metzger?

  Enhance.

• 59:33Duncan Trussell?

  Enhance, please. Zoom in.

• 59:35Kurt Metzger?

  Let's do a side to side.

• 59:36Duncan Trussell?

  Jesus fucking Christ, what's going on?

• 59:39Kurt Metzger?

  Who's that broad next to the stuffed person?

• 59:42Duncan Trussell?

  Which one is the stuffed person?

• 59:44Kurt Metzger?

  The one on the right.

• 59:46Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know the, I don't know who that is.

• 59:47Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, I'm gonna forget I have these stars on my face and probably have them on later at the premiere of the pilot.

• 59:51Duncan Trussell?

  You should.

• 59:52Kurt Metzger?

  Cause you forget about him. You put him on, you set it and forget it.

• 59:56Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, but this, pull up another one of these appointees that look like this, like...

• 1:00:00Kurt Metzger?

  Is that Calista Flockhart next to, uh, a, a taxidermied, uh... Who did they taxidermy? That's what I wanna know.

• 1:00:10Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know, man, but it is weird.

• 1:00:12Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

• 1:00:14Duncan Trussell?

  Long neck.

• 1:00:15Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, go back to what I just saw. What? Go, go back. The long, the phrase long neck government lady. What is that? Are you, were you aware of this?

• 1:00:26Duncan Trussell?

  Katie Zachariah. Zachariah.

• 1:00:29Speaker 04

  Just an easy way to Google the...

• 1:00:30Duncan Trussell?

  Newly appointed.

• 1:00:31Kurt Metzger?

  Now, is it okay to eat ass after Zachariah?

• 1:00:34Duncan Trussell?

  Newly appointed, newly appointed press secretary who drew, drew social media focus and commentary regarding her neck appearance. Wait, that was real?

• 1:00:42Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, here comes demon neck syndrome.

• 1:00:44Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Katie Zachariah neck. Is that real? I thought that was fake. That's fake.

• 1:00:49Kurt Metzger?

  That is not real.

• 1:00:51Duncan Trussell?

  That's fake.

• 1:00:52Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, is it real or not?

• 1:00:53Duncan Trussell?

  No, it can't be. Pull up Katie Zachariah neck. There's no fucking way that's real. That's like, that's like the ring thing that they put on people's neck.

• 1:01:01Kurt Metzger?

  There should be no other stories in the news besides her neck.

• 1:01:04Duncan Trussell?

  This can't be real. That's, what the fuck? Look.

• 1:01:09Kurt Metzger?

  Why did she cover?

• 1:01:10Duncan Trussell?

  Wow.

• 1:01:10Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why did Katie Zachariah cover her neck with a ribbon during her first press briefing?

• 1:01:15Duncan Trussell?

  Holy fucking shit.

• 1:01:16Kurt Metzger?

  The reason behind it is truly shocking because she has the wrong, that's not the right head for that body. They stitch it on.

• 1:01:24Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my God, that's a stitch head. This is the Halloween episode right here.

• 1:01:29Kurt Metzger?

  Let's just log in slowly to TikTok and then we'll get right to the bottom.

• 1:01:34Kurt Metzger?

  Everyone, what's your...

• 1:01:42Duncan Trussell?

  That's the story. That's the, that's the great, that's the Halloween story of the woman marrying the man.

• 1:01:48Kurt Metzger?

  Chloe LaBranche interviewing her. She's in the pilot.

• 1:01:51Duncan Trussell?

  Pull the scarf and her head falls off.

• 1:01:54Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, she has a husband.

• 1:01:55Duncan Trussell?

  Well, that's sweet.

• 1:01:56Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, but her husband's not a giraffe. Wait, I don't understand what, look.

• 1:02:01Duncan Trussell?

  That is a wildly...

• 1:02:02Kurt Metzger?

  She wore a white scarf to distract from her enormously long neck. Well, she is, but you know what she'd look really good in?

• 1:02:08Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:02:09Kurt Metzger?

  Um, as like jewelry, a pair of stocks from Puritan times to just distract from the neck.

• 1:02:17Duncan Trussell?

  Why does she have to keep her neck tilted?

• 1:02:18Kurt Metzger?

  Why does she have Ben Shapiro eyebrows?

• 1:02:20Duncan Trussell?

  I, I thought that picture of her neck was, can we go back to the original picture of her neck?

• 1:02:25Kurt Metzger?

  They're really analyzing the neck on this Tokolash.

• 1:02:27Duncan Trussell?

  I think if she pulls her hair back, it looks crazy.

• 1:02:30Kurt Metzger?

  Now, why was she even appointed? Does her husband already have a job or something?

• 1:02:41Duncan Trussell?

  Scaramucci could last a long time.

• 1:02:43Kurt Metzger?

  Like a puzzled look.

• 1:02:48Kurt Metzger?

  But I understand why she would doing that important work when her, she has a husband.

• 1:02:54Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know, man. Went to Pepperdine.

• 1:02:58Duncan Trussell?

  Doesn't seem like she-

• 1:02:58Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, I wonder if her husband's got a long neck.

• 1:03:02Duncan Trussell?

  Long neck, long taint.

• 1:03:05Kurt Metzger?

  Maybe we solved Tartaria the last time.

• 1:03:08Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. Advantages of long neck.

• 1:03:12Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I don't care about her evolutionary.

• 1:03:14Duncan Trussell?

  Looking around, looking around corners. That's the advantage.

• 1:03:17Kurt Metzger?

  Trump's menagerie of freaks. Now bring on the bitches with stretched out faces.

• 1:03:21Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, let's see this.

• 1:03:23Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, it's Halloween and I want to be scared shitless.

• 1:03:25Duncan Trussell?

  I do too.

• 1:03:27Kurt Metzger?

  Bring up those freaks that we were looking at and tell me what the fuck's going on. No, not Kennedy. What? Kennedy? Oh, Kennedy. Oh, no!

• 1:03:41Duncan Trussell?

  Now pull up demon face. Now, pull up demon face.

• 1:03:44Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, look, that's the one right there, all the way to the left. We looked at this with Heather Lynn. Go to the left, left. Yeah, okay. So click on that and bring up demon face syndrome.

• 1:03:52Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, let's do a side by side.

• 1:03:54Kurt Metzger?

  Go ahead and throw Ted Lieu in there too, because I think he embodies it.

• 1:04:00Duncan Trussell?

  Because what they're saying is demon face syndrome was invented because we're gonna start seeing, they're beginning to reveal themselves.

• 1:04:07Kurt Metzger?

  Who's saying that? The Minutes of Horror Channel that I watch? Yeah.

• 1:04:10Duncan Trussell?

  Fucking someone.

• 1:04:10Kurt Metzger?

  It's one guy, it's not they.

• 1:04:11Duncan Trussell?

  Look, look, look!

• 1:04:14Kurt Metzger?

  Look, look at Ted Lieu. There's a picture of Ted Lieu, right next to Ted Lieu.

• 1:04:19Duncan Trussell?

  Can we do side by side with the other pictures?

• 1:04:21Kurt Metzger?

  We already have Ted Lieu here in the picture, luckily. I don't know how that happened, but.

• 1:04:29Duncan Trussell?

  Let's do a side by side, because this is what's happening, man. The veils are growing thin. They're making themselves known!

• 1:04:36Kurt Metzger?

  The first one though is Mickey Rourke. That's a joke.

• 1:04:42Duncan Trussell?

  Look, look!

• 1:04:44Kurt Metzger?

  What does that say? Demon face? Go down a little bit.

• 1:04:47Duncan Trussell?

  There is no real medical condition called demon face syndrome. The term is often used on the internet to describe a rare perception disorder known as facial dysmorphia. In this condition of person-

• 1:04:57Kurt Metzger?

  Dysmorphosia. Dysmore-

• 1:05:00Duncan Trussell?

  Dysmorphosia. In this condition, a person sees other people's faces as distorted, stretched, or demonic, even though the faces are normal in reality, and it's, it's becoming real.

• 1:05:13Duncan Trussell?

  I gotta take a shit, man.

• 1:05:16Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, is that like demon face syndrome? And it's like, don't just show an Asian guy and say that. I think that's not cool.

• 1:05:23Kurt Metzger?

  Ah, look at, that's the guy on the, on the right, as a young man.

• 1:05:31Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, what the fuck, dude? You tell me that's not young version of that guy? So right there, that big picture, and then look at that old man, and you tell me that's not the same? That's fucking crazy. Make sure Duncan sees that when he comes back. Um, I thought demon face syndrome is where you, they look more like cubic. They don't look like an actual goblin like that. That's what I thought the dysphomorphoposia.

• 1:06:00Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, go back up. It's called what? It says it. Prosp? Presopo metamorphos? Po- why the P there at the, at the end? Wait, let's see, let's see, let's see. It's called that. Let's see what this guy with his hat backwards says. That morphs regular human faces into a demon face. And I think you can guess what some people are already insisting this condition really is. It's called PMO, presopometamorphopsia, or come- I thought it was called being Asian.

• 1:06:36Kurt Metzger?

  I mean.

• 1:06:45Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, dude.

• 1:06:48Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, if, if you were a Tesla, you'd shut the car down because you'd think the driver was sleepy. You know what I'm saying?

• 1:06:57Kurt Metzger?

  Why did you put India people?

• 1:07:00Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, go back and look at this side to side of Trump's menagerie of freaks. Dude, this is crazy.

• 1:07:05Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my god.

• 1:07:06Kurt Metzger?

  No, not that, these aren't that.

• 1:07:10Kurt Metzger?

  Now show the demon face syndrome guy next to it.

• 1:07:12Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my god.

• 1:07:15Kurt Metzger?

  You know, the guy you just had up before? Uh, uh, uh, uh, where'd he go? You had him. Keep going. There he is, right there.

• 1:07:23Duncan Trussell?

  Okay.

• 1:07:23Kurt Metzger?

  Now put the Trump freaks next to it. The, the old man on the top right.

• 1:07:27Duncan Trussell?

  What the fuck?

• 1:07:27Kurt Metzger?

  Yep, look at that.

• 1:07:29Duncan Trussell?

  It's the same face!

• 1:07:31Kurt Metzger?

  Mystery solved.

• 1:07:32Duncan Trussell?

  Mystery solved. The demons have come to the earth, the veils have grown thin, they're, they're, whatever they're using to, to like, cover themselves and make themselves seem human, it's losing power.

• 1:07:44Kurt Metzger?

  Can we get a close up? Now the bottom left corner, I don't understand this lady.

• 1:07:51Kurt Metzger?

  And why are they just showing it like an old Yiddish comedian?

• 1:07:55Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, what's that? Why, why did she make it in there?

• 1:07:57Kurt Metzger?

  Why are you putting Shecky Green?

• 1:07:58Duncan Trussell?

  She seems fine.

• 1:08:00Kurt Metzger?

  No, not her.

• 1:08:03Kurt Metzger?

  That's, I wouldn't think that's a demon face, because I'm not an anti Semite, thank you very much.

• 1:08:07Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, that just, that doesn't seem like a demon.

• 1:08:09Kurt Metzger?

  Now that chick though, right there, looks like just a woman who's about 50.

• 1:08:13Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, what's the big deal? She doesn't have demon face. That's demon face. The one next to her.

• 1:08:18Kurt Metzger?

  But why'd they throw this lady who, you'd be like, oh, instead of getting surgery, she just got a hat. Next to these people.

• 1:08:25Duncan Trussell?

  What the fuck, man?

• 1:08:27Kurt Metzger?

  Now, right there, okay. This guy, that's Steve Wynn. It looks like Steve Wynn lost at point, at face lifts.

• 1:08:38Kurt Metzger?

  And then, but this? Mickey Rourke here?

• 1:08:41Duncan Trussell?

  It's crazy.

• 1:08:42Kurt Metzger?

  Not him.

• 1:08:43Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Mickey Rourke.

• 1:08:45Kurt Metzger?

  The woman is Mickey Ror- Mickey Rourke's a woman.

• 1:08:48Duncan Trussell?

  Let's just get a reference.

• 1:08:52Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. Holy shit. That is crazy.

• 1:08:57Kurt Metzger?

  Wait a minute, hold on.

• 1:08:59Duncan Trussell?

  That's just crazy. That can't be right.

• 1:09:00Kurt Metzger?

  Wait a minute! Wait, look at that one!

• 1:09:04Duncan Trussell?

  What the fuck?

• 1:09:05Kurt Metzger?

  What is happening?

• 1:09:09Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, we'll be right back, because I don't know.

• 1:09:11Duncan Trussell?

  We will be right back.

• 1:09:44Kurt Metzger?

  I know this isn't PC to say, y'all, but this is gay as hell.

• 1:10:00Kurt Metzger?

  If you put that wig on that fucking-

• 1:10:03Duncan Trussell?

  What the fuck, man?

• 1:10:04Kurt Metzger?

  So it's not demon face syndrome, it's Mickey Rourke face syndrome.

• 1:10:09Duncan Trussell?

  Ah, it's so creepy.

• 1:10:11Kurt Metzger?

  How, what is going, did AI grab his picture? Is that what I'm looking at, or is that a?

• 1:10:17Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know, man. I mean, it's so, so weirdly similar that it's, it's shocking.

• 1:10:24Kurt Metzger?

  See the lips in the, well-

• 1:10:25Duncan Trussell?

  Look at that handsome man on the left.

• 1:10:30Kurt Metzger?

  Yikes. What is it, what does that say, um, about the face though? Because that face in the illustration? It, what does it say? It has a gro- oh, okay.

• 1:10:40Duncan Trussell?

  That's what people see.

• 1:10:41Kurt Metzger?

  PMO is a rare disorder causing individuals to perceive faces as grotesque or distorted, often linked to conditions like migraines, epilepsy, or brain injuries.

• 1:10:51Duncan Trussell?

  Or being high as fuck.

• 1:10:53Kurt Metzger?

  Um, yeah, well, you gotta take care of your brain, dude.

• 1:10:56Duncan Trussell?

  Holy shit, man. What's going on?

• 1:11:00Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know, dude. But people have Mickey Rourke's, Mickey Rourke face syndrome. It's not demon face.

• 1:11:06Duncan Trussell?

  What's going on?

• 1:11:09Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, no, you don't have to look up galaxy gas. We have galaxy gas. We're good. We're fine on that.

• 1:11:19Kurt Metzger?

  What is this? Oh, it's the condition, okay. One should not confuse PMO with prosopagnosia, poor face recognition.

• 1:11:28Duncan Trussell?

  It's so easy to get the two mixed up.

• 1:11:29Kurt Metzger?

  Without visual distortions.

• 1:11:30Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:31Kurt Metzger?

  PMO in this case seems to be an extremely rare condition. People diagnosed with it tend to perceive faces as stretched out of position, position, or place abnormally larger or smaller, or simply a droopy face.

• 1:11:48Kurt Metzger?

  So if I perceive you with a droopy face, it must be because I'm crazy.

• 1:11:51Duncan Trussell?

  Kids are huffing new flavored nitrous oxide until they develop tremors, seizures, and lose balance.

• 1:11:56Kurt Metzger?

  Don't eat ass, kids. Let's read this.

• 1:12:01Kurt Metzger?

  I just now saw that. Great work.

• 1:12:08Kurt Metzger?

  Please, okay, just move it a little to the, I don't want to waste a, a, a single inch of this precious thing, guys. Move it a little over this way so I can read it. It's incredible. Title is?

• 1:12:20Kurt Metzger?

  What have I done?

• 1:12:26Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, I can't read it. You're scrolling too much. Okay. It's been over a year since I put the g** down.

• 1:12:37Kurt Metzger?

  I put it down because I couldn't afford it anymore.

• 1:12:43Duncan Trussell?

  How much were you spending on n**?

• 1:12:46Kurt Metzger?

  Is this a dentist?

• 1:12:50Speaker 04

  I just looked up Reddit, n** poop too much, and then this came up.

• 1:12:56Kurt Metzger?

  Well, uh, call me when it happens.

• 1:13:02Kurt Metzger?

  And I noticed how much of a c** had I become about this shit. I'm in recovery from o** it. I didn't think NO2 had any side effects besides just wasting your money. Okay.

• 1:13:12Duncan Trussell?

  And maybe fishing out from time to time, AKA seizure.

• 1:13:16Kurt Metzger?

  After reading up on it more recently, I see it does in fact have side effects.

• 1:13:23Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, hold on. Where's this from, I wonder? And I'm quite sure I'm still recovering from my synth six month long.

• 1:13:32Duncan Trussell?

  NO2 habit.

• 1:13:39Kurt Metzger?

  Do you know how valuable scientifically this is? Because it tells you how long you can have like a habit.

• 1:13:44Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:44Kurt Metzger?

  I don't think Kanye's lasted much longer than that.

• 1:13:47Duncan Trussell?

  Six months is a long time.

• 1:13:49Kurt Metzger?

  Kanye had a very eventful six months. And then he apologized to the Jews. You don't hear that no more? Okay.

• 1:13:57Kurt Metzger?

  Um, does this guy deny the Holocaust or the end of this? Okay. I was

• 1:14:04Kurt Metzger?

  I was doing a lot every day. I'll just say that. Leave it at that.

• 1:14:13Kurt Metzger?

  About a year ago, I started to get real sick.

• 1:14:17Duncan Trussell?

  Oh shit.

• 1:14:20Speaker 04

  His username.

• 1:14:22Kurt Metzger?

  Developing, uh, impactions in my bowels, which wound me, which wound me up in the ER. Ended up having surgery because my rectum

• 1:14:30Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my god! It all goes back. We're back to prolapses.

• 1:14:36Kurt Metzger?

  Essentially, one day my GI tract stopped. Was that from this?

• 1:14:39Duncan Trussell?

  No, I can't be f**ked.

• 1:14:41Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I lost 60 pounds. Oh, that's good. What if he was 70 pounds? That would suck. My back and hips hurt all the time because I got gaped. What, is everything coming back to gaping on this?

• 1:14:51Duncan Trussell?

  Why?

• 1:14:53Kurt Metzger?

  He's asking if it's the n**. Any insight is appreciated and welcomed. I don't do, that's a long habit for night.

• 1:15:00Duncan Trussell?

  What I done says, like, whoa. Yeah, you fucked up. Like, whoa. Too much n**.

• 1:15:10Kurt Metzger?

  That's a lot of fucking n**, bro.

• 1:15:12Duncan Trussell?

  Too much n**s, man.

• 1:15:15Kurt Metzger?

  Um, okay, wait. I guess Reddit is good. I thought it sucked.

• 1:15:20Duncan Trussell?

  Did you supplement with B12?

• 1:15:25Duncan Trussell?

  That's a crazy thing. B12 will fix you.

• 1:15:28Kurt Metzger?

  I'm a middle aged n** user and I supplement with B12.

• 1:15:33Duncan Trussell?

  That's good. I gotta put that in my bio.

• 1:15:35Kurt Metzger?

  As a 49 year old n** user.

• 1:15:37Duncan Trussell?

  Middle aged n** user.

• 1:15:41Kurt Metzger?

  It's important to watch my B- Do we have any vitamins sponsors that want to, um,

• 1:15:50Kurt Metzger?

  You know, do not f**k smart. That's what I say. Okay, um, uh, okay. Let's keep going. Um,

• 1:16:00Duncan Trussell?

  I need my baby needs this bottle.

• 1:16:05Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, make sure they know, and you might have to educate them a bit. A lot of docs and neurologists don't know fully the damage. Wait, what? I'm a, a fully trained medical doctor and I have never heard of any damage from a n**.

• 1:16:19Kurt Metzger?

  It has affected my ability to feel hunger? I have lost so much weight, need to pee when I drink any, what is happening? A man became a straw?

• 1:16:31Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, this is getting to be a downer, dude.

• 1:16:34Duncan Trussell?

  It's so great. I just want to feel like this all the time.

• 1:16:38Kurt Metzger?

  Like the Reddit post?

• 1:16:42Duncan Trussell?

  It's the best feeling there is.

• 1:16:44Kurt Metzger?

  Boy, Halloween is a terrible time. Alright, go back. This is not good. I, I didn't like this one bit, I have to tell you. Um, this guy blew his asshole out. We don't know if it's from the n**s, although the nozzle there-

• 1:16:54Duncan Trussell?

  It's not from the n**s, I promise you that.

• 1:16:56Kurt Metzger?

  Don't boof your night- Um, that was really upsetting and gross. Um,

• 1:17:01Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, says the guy who can't watch a zit get popped.

• 1:17:04Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, I don't think there's one-

• 1:17:05Duncan Trussell?

  You're a man! Pull up zit popping videos.

• 1:17:08Kurt Metzger?

  No, don't, do not-

• 1:17:09Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 1:17:10Kurt Metzger?

  We need a usable part of the podcast.

• 1:17:12Duncan Trussell?

  Can you just pull up zit popping videos?

• 1:17:13Kurt Metzger?

  For the love of god.

• 1:17:13Duncan Trussell?

  Will you please pull up zit popping videos?

• 1:17:15Kurt Metzger?

  Will you please not do that?

• 1:17:15Duncan Trussell?

  Just, I like to do n** and watch zits get popped.

• 1:17:18Speaker 04

  I don't know who to listen to.

• 1:17:19Kurt Metzger?

  We gotta cut the n**s down!

• 1:17:21Duncan Trussell?

  Listen to me. Listen to me. Trust me, this is good for the show. Pull up zit popping videos.

• 1:17:26Kurt Metzger?

  Do not trust him. It's not-

• 1:17:28Duncan Trussell?

  It's good for the show!

• 1:17:29Kurt Metzger?

  It's poison.

• 1:17:30Speaker 04

  You're all yelling at me.

• 1:17:31Kurt Metzger?

  It's fucking gross.

• 1:17:32Duncan Trussell?

  Sorry dude. Sorry Tanner.

• 1:17:33Kurt Metzger?

  And we're gonna get clipped and they're gonna say, this is very gross.

• 1:17:36Duncan Trussell?

  Tanner, pull up a fucking zit popping video!

• 1:18:02Duncan Trussell?

  Hey everybody, it's me Buster and Halloween is here. We're gonna have a lot of fun this Halloween, but for all the kiddos watching, I want you to be very careful when you get your Halloween treats. Don't take anything that's been, that's been opened and whatever you do, watch out for pieces of paper that have stars on them. These are being given out by hippies and they contain LSD, a very powerful psychedelic drug that's designed to open your consciousness and your mind. And you might be wondering, why don't I want to open my mind, Buster? Well, that's because you gotta keep your mind closed right now.

• 1:18:44Duncan Trussell?

  It's the season of the witch and if you start opening your mind, you're gonna realize we're all one thing. A perfect unification of consciousness, a sinka sinka bata tata, simultaneous oneness and difference. Instead of thinking about stuff like that, why don't you go to the park? And you go into a nice bush and you just crouch down in the bush and you jerk off. You jerk off in a park Halloween. That's what you should be doing. Jerking that cock until you spray white hot jizz all over the autumn leaves. This has been Buster's Halloween message.

• 1:19:20Kurt Metzger?

  This story is echoing right through the shitter, by the way. It sounds crazy.

• 1:19:26Kurt Metzger?

  There's someone observing every part of this.

• 1:19:28Duncan Trussell?

  Shut the fuck up! I want you to fucking listen for once. I want you to listen. I'm gonna show you something, okay? I'm gonna show you real fucking magic. So sick of you besmirching many of my friends who practice magic and are incredibly wonderful people. You're getting people fucking killed, you piece of shit! Now I'm gonna show you real magic. Something that I learned. Something that's incredible is gonna blow your mind. So watch, I want you to watch. This is called translocation. Behold and prepare.

• 1:20:05Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, welcome to the mystery boys. I'm, uh, Kirk Smacksuskin.

• 1:20:11Duncan Trussell?

  And I'm Digler Punt.

• 1:20:13Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, yeah, I'm, uh, hot off of, uh, watching the great new Netflix, uh, documentary on, uh, Rachel Raygun, The Breakdancer.

• 1:20:21Duncan Trussell?

  Shit, man, that was the most inspirational thing I've ever seen. I gotta make my kids watch it now.

• 1:20:27Kurt Metzger?

  You mean as far as like you could, you could be a, uh,

• 1:20:29Duncan Trussell?

  You could do anything you want.

• 1:20:31Kurt Metzger?

  You could, uh, well, what did you think of, you could be some guy's beard that dresses like this?

• 1:20:36Duncan Trussell?

  Sure, if you wanted.

• 1:20:38Kurt Metzger?

  Well, she is.

• 1:20:39Duncan Trussell?

  She should have won the Olympics.

• 1:20:40Kurt Metzger?

  I just like the main part of that documentary. Clearly she was a beard. She's a beard.

• 1:20:43Duncan Trussell?

  That's what you took away from it. I took away from it, she's an example for all of us of courage.

• 1:20:48Kurt Metzger?

  Of queering the space of breakdancing. I, I saw her-

• 1:20:50Duncan Trussell?

  Hard work.

• 1:20:51Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, well, uh, Rachel, your husband Sammy Sex is queering the space of your heterosexual marriage. That space has been queered.

• 1:20:58Duncan Trussell?

  Queering the space?

• 1:20:59Kurt Metzger?

  You ever queered a space?

• 1:21:01Duncan Trussell?

  I probably.

• 1:21:02Kurt Metzger?

  You've never queered a space?

• 1:21:04Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know. What is it? I think I, I think I have.

• 1:21:07Kurt Metzger?

  Um, also, what's wrong with you?

• 1:21:10Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 1:21:11Kurt Metzger?

  Is your voice weird?

• 1:21:12Duncan Trussell?

  Uh, I don't know, man. Just a little under the weather, man. I've been like waking up tired.

• 1:21:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah? Weird. Okay, well, um, on this show, as you know, we like to have free, free and fair discourse. Um, we've had a, a guest of the past. Now, I, I, I would think he'd be controversial, but he was not. Uh, his name was, uh, Blade. Uh, it reads Blade, but it's Blade.

• 1:21:37Duncan Trussell?

  Blade.

• 1:21:38Kurt Metzger?

  He's vampire hunter in the Austin area and, uh, he was here talking a lot of shit. And I like that. I like shit talking. I support him. But I'm gonna let the other side because, you know, a guy like Blade is gonna have a lot of rivals and a lot of opposing viewpoints.

• 1:21:52Duncan Trussell?

  True that.

• 1:21:53Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, and, uh, so, uh, this is an opposing viewpoint against, uh, what Blade was saying. And I think it's only fair that we air it because we don't believe in suppressing, uh, uh, other, you know,

• 1:22:05Duncan Trussell?

  Absolutely not. We want all angles covered at the mystery boys.

• 1:22:08Kurt Metzger?

  That's right. And that's the point of the mystery boys. That's the point of my think tank, Turning Point Sam Tripoli. And that's always been the case and I've always said that. So let's bring in our guest. Uh, I don't know how to say his name, but I think he's going to help me. Hey, man. Hey, welcome. Hello.

• 1:22:25Speaker 04

  How are you, boys?

• 1:22:27Duncan Trussell?

  Good, how are you?

• 1:22:28Kurt Metzger?

  Tell me I say your name, uh, uh, I, I, it was, uh...

• 1:22:32Speaker 04

  T. Vane.

• 1:22:36Speaker 04

  T. Vane.

• 1:22:38Kurt Metzger?

  Like Sven, wait, like Sven?

• 1:22:40Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:22:40Kurt Metzger?

  Is the T silent?

• 1:22:41Speaker 04

  Uh, no, it's not silent. You, you, you put the hard T pronunciation.

• 1:22:46Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, like, your name's like, like, your first name is T, like to drink, and your last name is Vanga?

• 1:22:51Speaker 04

  Vane, like, like Vane, like, Shorter, Transylvania, maybe, or, like, T-Pain, but T-Vane, you know?

• 1:23:00Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, like T-Pain, okay.

• 1:23:02Duncan Trussell?

  That's cool.

• 1:23:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:23:03Kurt Metzger?

  All right.

• 1:23:03Duncan Trussell?

  That is undeniably cool.

• 1:23:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, I freestyle sometimes, it's not a big deal.

• 1:23:07Kurt Metzger?

  Really?

• 1:23:07Duncan Trussell?

  Really?

• 1:23:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:23:09Kurt Metzger?

  What is this rival, now, okay, um, T, what do you, what do I call you?

• 1:23:13Speaker 04

  T-Vane.

• 1:23:14Duncan Trussell?

  So, T-Vane, you are a vampire?

• 1:23:17Kurt Metzger?

  T-Vane, can I ask you?

• 1:23:19Speaker 04

  I mean, I don't know if I wondered, I, I don't know if I identify as a vampire, but, I mean, I'm just normal, like you boys.

• 1:23:25Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, well, I just wanna, look.

• 1:23:27Duncan Trussell?

  You have fangs.

• 1:23:27Speaker 04

  What do you mean?

• 1:23:29Duncan Trussell?

  You have fangs. Would you consider yourself to be effeminate?

• 1:23:33Kurt Metzger?

  What about T-Fang, that's a good name, T-Fang, cuz, you know, I'm, I, I'm sorry to hold this up, but, T-Vane just sounds, sounds like you're named after, like, a dong, dude. Sounds like a penis thing. The T-Vane, remember, we...

• 1:23:47Speaker 04

  You're asking me if I'm effeminate?

• 1:23:50Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, or you seem effeminate.

• 1:23:52Speaker 04

  He's the one talking about dongs and stuff like that.

• 1:23:54Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, look, look, look, look, I'm not here to deal with anybody who's homophobic.

• 1:23:58Speaker 04

  What do you mean, I don't understand what you're saying.

• 1:23:59Duncan Trussell?

  You cross your legs, beta!

• 1:24:01Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:24:02Speaker 04

  Big poten?

• 1:24:02Duncan Trussell?

  Beta!

• 1:24:04Kurt Metzger?

  Let's slow things way the fuck down. I'm just saying T-Fang is a better name than T-Vane, just to me, cuz he has fa- visible fangs.

• 1:24:12Duncan Trussell?

  So what, there, there's a lot of better names, you, you, your name could be better.

• 1:24:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, what is your name again, Cur- Mexico?

• 1:24:18Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, Karp- Set- Sexker.

• 1:24:21Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, there's a lot of better names than that.

• 1:24:24Kurt Metzger?

  Well, uh, you're not allowed to...

• 1:24:25Duncan Trussell?

  Dirk Pretzel.

• 1:24:27Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I don't know, you, I'm giving the name, I'm giving the name.

• 1:24:30Duncan Trussell?

  You can't rewrite someone's name.

• 1:24:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, I was born this way, hundreds of years ago.

• 1:24:33Kurt Metzger?

  I'm a writer, I, I, I write, you know, I can't help it.

• 1:24:37Duncan Trussell?

  Well, you, it's rude to tell...

• 1:24:38Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, you're saying I have the Edgar? So, I have been trying to get, it's a great look that I've been trying to get, and I have...

• 1:24:46Speaker 04

  Kurt Edgo, but, yeah.

• 1:24:47Kurt Metzger?

  No, no, uh...

• 1:24:49Duncan Trussell?

  That's right.

• 1:24:50Kurt Metzger?

  Now, now, T-Vane, um, this guy is what they call an Edgar, you know, just how, like, all the, the, uh, kinda Hispanic kids dress like?

• 1:24:58Speaker 04

  I've tasted many Edgars.

• 1:25:00Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, well, that haircut.

• 1:25:03Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 1:25:04Kurt Metzger?

  That's like the Jersey Shore for Mexican, for desert Mexicans.

• 1:25:07Speaker 04

  That's like a saying, the typical thing.

• 1:25:08Duncan Trussell?

  You feed on Mexican children?

• 1:25:09Speaker 04

  I, I, we all eat Mexican food, do we not?

• 1:25:13Duncan Trussell?

  Not...

• 1:25:13Speaker 04

  Do we not all eat Mexican food?

• 1:25:15Duncan Trussell?

  I love it.

• 1:25:16Speaker 04

  Okay, there you go, end of discussion. Why are you being so weird, little piggy mailman?

• 1:25:22Duncan Trussell?

  I guess you got me on that one, man.

• 1:25:24Kurt Metzger?

  Um, okay, feeling it already got away from us.

• 1:25:27Duncan Trussell?

  I can't believe you're eating little kids, though, I mean, I eat, like, a burrito.

• 1:25:32Speaker 04

  Okay, do you know what's inside a burrito?

• 1:25:36Duncan Trussell?

  Lettuce, guacamole, pollo, means chicken.

• 1:25:41Speaker 04

  Did you say boyo or pollo?

• 1:25:43Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it's boyo.

• 1:25:45Speaker 04

  It might be boyons, yeah.

• 1:25:47Kurt Metzger?

  Wow, looks like you got three fingers pointing back at you, Duncan.

• 1:25:50Duncan Trussell?

  This is fucked up, man.

• 1:25:52Kurt Metzger?

  What, a little bit, a little bit of, uh, campism of, uh, kids named Edgar, the fr- they're not, look, a lot of them are in their twenties, they just look young.

• 1:26:01Duncan Trussell?

  What is that?

• 1:26:04Kurt Metzger?

  Taha, can you read that?

• 1:26:06Speaker 04

  It looks like a deleted Street Fighter character.

• 1:26:09Kurt Metzger?

  Tia Hualapuchi monster.

• 1:26:11Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 1:26:13Kurt Metzger?

  Um, is this, uh, what is this, like, uh, from Dust Till Dawn? You're not one of them Dust Till Dawn vampires, though?

• 1:26:19Speaker 04

  No, but great film.

• 1:26:21Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, you like it?

• 1:26:22Duncan Trussell?

  Great film.

• 1:26:23Speaker 04

  Great film, I love, oh.

• 1:26:25Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, uh, first of all, I wanna thank the, the production of, uh, Your Mystery Boys for taking into account my enormous size, when they set this up for much smaller people.

• 1:26:34Duncan Trussell?

  You, they're ableists.

• 1:26:36Speaker 04

  You are a tall glass of mud, aren't you?

• 1:26:40Kurt Metzger?

  I'm only five-nine, if you look it up. Uh, I'm only, I'm only one inch taller than Joe Rogan, if you look it up.

• 1:26:46Duncan Trussell?

  Well, when, I am curious about this, when you see a vampire movie where vampires are usually the bad guys, does it bother you that this is the sort of stereotype?

• 1:26:55Kurt Metzger?

  Specifically Blade, because that, or Bladé, excuse me, I'm not gonna hear the end of that when he gets here. This is Bladé's.

• 1:27:01Speaker 04

  Can't stand that guy.

• 1:27:02Kurt Metzger?

  I'm trying to get to, you know, also, why are you all fucked up? What's wrong with you?

• 1:27:07Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know, man, for the last few nights, I've been having these weird fucking dreams. It feels like my window, so, my window opens up, I, I see, like, a light, it's the most beautiful light I've ever seen, and then I wake up and I'm, I'm exhausted and just...

• 1:27:24Duncan Trussell?

  Feel bad.

• 1:27:25Kurt Metzger?

  I'm just putting on my va- my reflective vampire vest, uh...

• 1:27:29Speaker 04

  Well, your blood levels are very good, so, I can, I can feel them.

• 1:27:33Duncan Trussell?

  You can tell just from looking at me, man.

• 1:27:35Kurt Metzger?

  Have you guys been hanging out?

• 1:27:36Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 1:27:38Kurt Metzger?

  Where, how do you know this guy? Because I understand...

• 1:27:40Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know him at all. I thought you booked him.

• 1:27:43Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I think Tanner booked him, I, like, cuz he wouldn't wanna respond to Blade's, uh, charges, you know, Blade's Bladé.

• 1:27:48Speaker 04

  You booked me. You booked.

• 1:27:54Duncan Trussell?

  I guess I booked him and then I had him on the show.

• 1:27:57Kurt Metzger?

  Who is you?

• 1:28:00Duncan Trussell?

  Me.

• 1:28:01Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, oh, he means it's in you, okay, I thought there was an Asian here. Uh, those were Tanner's Filipino friends, uh, somehow got in.

• 1:28:07Duncan Trussell?

  Why did I book him?

• 1:28:09Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, um, why am I looking at the Theranos, bitch?

• 1:28:12Speaker 04

  So I can finally defeat Bladé.

• 1:28:15Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, yeah, so, I'm gonna get to that, but it's just weird how your voice is all fucked up.

• 1:28:22Kurt Metzger?

  You know, somebody's against me here, and I'll find out who it is.

• 1:28:26Speaker 04

  Are you the lock?

• 1:28:26Kurt Metzger?

  Somebody's been sabotaging me for the last week and a half, and I, and I'll, I'll root it out of this office, don't think I won't. I know people.

• 1:28:33Duncan Trussell?

  That does seem like on purpose, guys.

• 1:28:35Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:28:36Duncan Trussell?

  That's a trap. Well, he sat in your chair, so... That's a trap.

• 1:28:40Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, uh, now he's, people are phasing into my chair?

• 1:28:44Duncan Trussell?

  He can't...

• 1:28:46Kurt Metzger?

  It's, it's very strange, um, but, uh, anyway, look, I don't like to make this a political show, you know that. I'm trying to get to the bottom of, uh, what, uh, uh, T-Vane and Bladé's issues are.

• 1:28:59Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, what's going on with you two? Are you in a vampire war?

• 1:29:02Speaker 04

  He's been my arch-nemesis for many, many years, and he's trying to destroy my people, so of course we have conflict.

• 1:29:09Kurt Metzger?

  And that is the trans community?

• 1:29:11Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:29:13Speaker 04

  Transylvanian community, yes, yes.

• 1:29:15Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I, I, hey, I've been around.

• 1:29:17Duncan Trussell?

  So...

• 1:29:18Kurt Metzger?

  What, are you getting nervous, 'cause in the trans commu- Transylvania?

• 1:29:21Speaker 04

  I've been a part of the trans community for hundreds of years.

• 1:29:24Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, well, I could, I could tell in your accent, and you got that look, you know, with the fucking, uh, weird white eye pupils?

• 1:29:31Duncan Trussell?

  What is he having?

• 1:29:32Kurt Metzger?

  Why, what's with your eyes? Why are they like that?

• 1:29:33Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:34Speaker 04

  What do you mean, my eyes are just like you, you two humans' eyes, I don't know what you're talking about.

• 1:29:38Duncan Trussell?

  They're not, they look all milky.

• 1:29:39Speaker 04

  Are you getting zesty?

• 1:29:41Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, they look, they look zesty.

• 1:29:43Speaker 04

  A little bit? You want some of daddy's cereal?

• 1:29:47Kurt Metzger?

  Did you?

• 1:29:50Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, Tanner, write that down for our Patreon, that is one of the products, daddy's cereal. And I wanna have, we'll talk to him about the mer- the licensing, but...

• 1:30:00Speaker 04

  You can have it.

• 1:30:01Duncan Trussell?

  I, so you, you're kind of alluring, I guess that's part of the vampire thing, right? Like, you're just sort of hypnotic.

• 1:30:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, sometimes, people look into my eyes and then I can start making them feel certain things, dream certain things.

• 1:30:14Kurt Metzger?

  Are you a drug dealer? Is this, are you, is this your drug dealer? Is this your blood guy?

• 1:30:19Duncan Trussell?

  You just, are you more of like a dope dealer or something?

• 1:30:23Speaker 04

  Um...

• 1:30:23Duncan Trussell?

  I feel like I've known you for a thousand years.

• 1:30:25Speaker 04

  I mean, I've been many people's connects over the years, yes. I mean, I've lived many lives, really, hundreds of years, I mean...

• 1:30:32Kurt Metzger?

  You've been many people's connect over the years?

• 1:30:36Kurt Metzger?

  Tell me about some of, uh, the things you've engaged in, I mean, I guess, wait, how old are you?

• 1:30:40Speaker 04

  I gave Ray Charles heroin back in the day.

• 1:30:44Kurt Metzger?

  Really?

• 1:30:46Duncan Trussell?

  You gave it to him, you didn't even sell it?

• 1:30:51Speaker 04

  I didn't even sell it, I was just like, you look like a guy who needs it. God already took your eyesight, but here's a little hell of a...

• 1:30:59Kurt Metzger?

  It's weird, because if, if someone saw you next to him, they would think he was, you were just one of his, uh, blonde, white, trans friends.

• 1:31:04Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:31:05Kurt Metzger?

  Blind, blind.

• 1:31:06Speaker 04

  Blah, yes.

• 1:31:07Kurt Metzger?

  You know, he's a blindy, and his eyes look a lot like yours, but yours seem, your pe- oh, is he faking? He probably wasn't even blind, was he?

• 1:31:14Duncan Trussell?

  I can't believe you gave that.

• 1:31:15Kurt Metzger?

  Just like Helen Keller had all five senses fully working.

• 1:31:17Duncan Trussell?

  You just canted him sacks of har- heroin?

• 1:31:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, he seemed like a cool guy, you know?

• 1:31:23Kurt Metzger?

  Are you sure it wasn't Jamie Foxx playing him? It was actually...

• 1:31:26Speaker 04

  No, it was actually Ray Charles, yes.

• 1:31:30Duncan Trussell?

  How old are you?

• 1:31:32Speaker 04

  I mean, we don't really like to say our age, but I'm over, like, seven hundred years old.

• 1:31:37Kurt Metzger?

  Wow, that's pretty old, man.

• 1:31:39Duncan Trussell?

  What were you before you got turned into a vampire?

• 1:31:42Kurt Metzger?

  That's very old.

• 1:31:43Duncan Trussell?

  What, what'd you do? Were you like a shepherd, or, what'd you do?

• 1:31:47Speaker 04

  I worked in fields, yes, a lot. I used to get berries, uh, I used to bring them in.

• 1:31:53Kurt Metzger?

  You were a berryman?

• 1:31:55Duncan Trussell?

  You would just pick berries?

• 1:31:57Speaker 04

  I'd pick berries, I wasn't the most masculine out of, like, my city and village, so, like, uh, they'd send me out, I'd get the berries. I'd forage a little bit, bring in different things, me and some of the, my gal pals.

• 1:32:12Duncan Trussell?

  Tell me about the...

• 1:32:13Kurt Metzger?

  Tell me about your gal pals.

• 1:32:14Speaker 04

  Oh, I love, love my gal pals, um, obviously they were still alive with me, but they did not get turned into vampires. Actually fed on them, it was quite sad, and, um, you know, sometimes you kill your own friends on accident.

• 1:32:29Duncan Trussell?

  Tell me about when you were turned.

• 1:32:34Kurt Metzger?

  Vampire nearby, vampire.

• 1:32:37Kurt Metzger?

  nearby

• 1:32:41Speaker 04

  Did you guys hear that his bell?

• 1:32:43Kurt Metzger?

  No.

• 1:32:45Kurt Metzger?

  I heard nothing.

• 1:32:45Duncan Trussell?

  I heard it was kind of like the wind, but it's kind of like words.

• 1:32:49Kurt Metzger?

  Did you fucking let this guy, um, I'm just gonna put it to you, Donkey. So I know you have a thing with people that are into drinking blood. Um, did this guy drink you? Did you let this motherfucker drink you?

• 1:32:58Speaker 04

  He definitely doesn't have any holes in his body.

• 1:33:01Kurt Metzger?

  Not that we can see visibly, but I know there's places, there's a lot of places on the human body get blood out of it. We ain't looking at, are we?

• 1:33:08Duncan Trussell?

  I never seen him in my life.

• 1:33:11Kurt Metzger?

  Are you sure?

• 1:33:12Duncan Trussell?

  I'm pretty sure.

• 1:33:13Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. You sure you're not just having forgetfulness from, uh, being drained? Uh, through, uh, well, you know, where, if I, I'll bet you, and, and I'm just just an old, I'm just saying this as an old mystery solving.

• 1:33:24Speaker 04

  I've perfected a technique over the years there.

• 1:33:27Kurt Metzger?

  Sucked on his taint. I know what you do. It's gross. Okay.

• 1:33:31Duncan Trussell?

  I do have two holes in my taint that I thought were from the dog.

• 1:33:38Kurt Metzger?

  It's, uh, that's why they do that. Cause you blame the dog.

• 1:33:40Speaker 04

  Well, might've been from me.

• 1:33:44Duncan Trussell?

  Have you been draining my taint?

• 1:33:50Kurt Metzger?

  Wait.

• 1:33:50Speaker 04

  Well, I don't like when you put it that way, but yes.

• 1:33:53Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:33:54Duncan Trussell?

  I'm fuck, I have diabetes.

• 1:33:55Kurt Metzger?

  Let's meet some kinky Texans. First of all, you do know Blade, right? This isn't just you, you're his, uh,

• 1:34:01Speaker 04

  Blade is my arch nemesis. He's been hunting me for years. I can't stand the man.

• 1:34:06Kurt Metzger?

  Um, okay.

• 1:34:10Speaker 04

  I swear, there's somebody like whispering vampire. Do you guys have an alarm system in here? Did I have a little trap? What's going on here?

• 1:34:18Kurt Metzger?

  You probably have heightened senses.

• 1:34:19Duncan Trussell?

  What is this video here? I want to see this.

• 1:34:21Kurt Metzger?

  Meet the van, the kinky Texans who drink blood. Let's meet them. Do you know any of these people? These probably friends of yours.

• 1:34:26Speaker 04

  Of course, they're very nice. Awakening, I, I ran off with it like an absolute, and, uh, I was just so empowered by it. I didn't care what anybody said.

• 1:34:33Kurt Metzger?

  Turn off some of the closed caption. Oh, I know that fucking guy.

• 1:34:37Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 1:34:39Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, I know that motherfucker. That's that other mystery group. Yo.

• 1:34:43Duncan Trussell?

  You don't know that guy for real.

• 1:34:45Kurt Metzger?

  You're the one that told me about him because this guy's been drinking out of your taint. Now your memory's fucked.

• 1:34:50Kurt Metzger?

  This is why I tell you to watch who you hang out with. Bringing a lot of problems down.

• 1:34:55Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, that's what's his fucking head? Uh, um, um, shit.

• 1:35:00Speaker 04

  Habers cop.

• 1:35:01Kurt Metzger?

  Chick, no, you're close, close, but not that.

• 1:35:07Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, Chick Shambuski.

• 1:35:09Duncan Trussell?

  Chick Shambuski?

• 1:35:10Speaker 04

  Oh, right, right, right, right.

• 1:35:13Kurt Metzger?

  He solves mysteries and hangs out with vampire. It's real weird here.

• 1:35:16Duncan Trussell?

  All right.

• 1:35:17Speaker 04

  Yeah. He's like the Indiana.

• 1:35:18Kurt Metzger?

  This whole Austin scene is fucked, dude. It's full of fucking sucking vampires and shit.

• 1:35:31Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, go on. Wait, why don't I hear nothing?

• 1:35:34Speaker 00

  Vampire Court of Austin is essentially a town hall for all of Austin's awakened vampires, other kin, and, uh, you know, human supporters or black swans that assist us with our, you know, everyday life and what we do with the port as well. It's essentially a safe haven, uh, for anyone who applies and wants to be part of our kind of family, uh, style group, um, to learn from each other.

• 1:35:53Duncan Trussell?

  Are you part of that family?

• 1:35:55Speaker 04

  I'm an honorary member.

• 1:35:57Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, let's see Logan and, uh,

• 1:35:59Speaker 04

  My wife and I have, uh, uh, been married now for, uh, almost two years. Yes, fingers, by the way. From the moment that we got together, we, uh, we, uh, decided to have an open relationship.

• 1:36:10Speaker 04

  See, I told you. I didn't even tell you the fingers and this is your relationship. You didn't believe me.

• 1:36:16Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, press, press pause, press pause. So this vampire court, let me guess, let me see. You tell me if I'm even, most of what vampire court deals with is horseshit from being in polycules. They mostly adjudicate polycule bullshit. And what is a polycule? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it's basically a snake ball of fuglies.

• 1:36:34Duncan Trussell?

  Hold on, wait. You, you're, I don't, that's not, this isn't actually.

• 1:36:36Kurt Metzger?

  A bunch of god knows what's sticking. Who gives a shit in there? Who knows where?

• 1:36:40Duncan Trussell?

  They're talking about like the royal court. This isn't like Judge Judy.

• 1:36:45Kurt Metzger?

  Then I'm even more right because.

• 1:36:47Duncan Trussell?

  You thought, when you heard vampire court.

• 1:36:48Kurt Metzger?

  You think court, you think court gossip is not pure Judge Judy? You have not been around.

• 1:36:51Duncan Trussell?

  You think Austin's vampires have their own vampire court?

• 1:36:55Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I don't think it should be legally recognized. No, but it's a lot like, uh, this, the Orthodox Jews have them, the Sharia that Muslims get. They got their own. And that's where these disgusting fucking polycules. Again, throw them in a barrel, seal it up. Vampire crime cannot seize until the white star is dead. Yo, does someone, I heard, I heard something. Someone's like breaking in.

• 1:37:21Speaker 04

  Blade is here.

• 1:37:23Kurt Metzger?

  Is it? Okay.

• 1:37:24Duncan Trussell?

  What the fuck?

• 1:37:28Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Fuck you, White Star. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

• 1:37:34Speaker 04

  The black abyss.

• 1:37:35Kurt Metzger?

  That's the show's grabber. That is our grabber.

• 1:37:41Duncan Trussell?

  Podcast studio.

• 1:37:43Speaker 04

  Fuck you. The black abyss. You will end your life tonight.

• 1:37:47Duncan Trussell?

  Stop right now.

• 1:37:51Kurt Metzger?

  Immature. Real immature.

• 1:37:53Duncan Trussell?

  What the fuck, Blade?

• 1:37:55Kurt Metzger?

  First of all, you were invited to come. You don't have to stalk us and drop from the ceiling. That's one thing. Yeah, thanks. I'll just go ahead. Just, uh, let go of that.

• 1:38:02Duncan Trussell?

  What, what?

• 1:38:02Kurt Metzger?

  Just go ahead and let go of that.

• 1:38:04Duncan Trussell?

  Let him do it.

• 1:38:06Kurt Metzger?

  Do what?

• 1:38:06Duncan Trussell?

  Let him grab your dick with that thing.

• 1:38:08Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, and then he could, oh, he could lift my, and all this cock up and drain my taint too. And then we can both become his fucking willing claws.

• 1:38:17Kurt Metzger?

  Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

• 1:38:49Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

• 1:38:51Duncan Trussell?

  Guys, come on.

• 1:38:51Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, this is not a union shoot. We can't be doing special fucking choreographedies and reveres. Now, look, I didn't want to take out this walrus baculum and you know that I will use it. And yo, that ain't gonna work. And hey, this is a penis bone of a walrus. And I know you know what this is. A man 700 years old knows exactly.

• 1:39:12Speaker 04

  I've been with a few walrus bones in my time.

• 1:39:15Kurt Metzger?

  Fuck you. Okay. We don't get along. We should have probably had a seat for Blake. I don't understand what their beef is.

• 1:39:22Duncan Trussell?

  Blade, I'm sorry.

• 1:39:24Kurt Metzger?

  Listen, can you just?

• 1:39:24Duncan Trussell?

  He's controlling my hand.

• 1:39:26Kurt Metzger?

  Look, look.

• 1:39:27Duncan Trussell?

  Blade, I'm sorry.

• 1:39:29Speaker 04

  Pull the trigger.

• 1:39:32Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, look, guys, I'm trying to run a podcast here, okay? I'm not trying to do a fucking. You look like, I, I feel like I'm on one of them little buses with a bunch of fucking elbow crutch kids getting in a fight about, uh, okay, come on. See what I'm talking about? Blade, go in the, the voice of God section.

• 1:39:54Duncan Trussell?

  What did you do to me?

• 1:39:55Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:39:56Speaker 04

  I controlled you for just mere moments. You will return to your human form very soon.

• 1:40:01Kurt Metzger?

  He made you into his Mitch McConnell.

• 1:40:03Duncan Trussell?

  I'm sorry, Blade.

• 1:40:05Kurt Metzger?

  All right. That's the only way. Now, by the way, that little tableau you just acted out is going to be the only way you can come from now on. So I hope that was worth it. You will never be able to come through normal means again now.

• 1:40:17Speaker 04

  Says the man holding a walrus penis bone.

• 1:40:19Kurt Metzger?

  Well, it is, I gotta tell you, the power is addict. You feel the, you feel like it coursing through you. You grip this thing? You want to try it?

• 1:40:25Speaker 04

  Sure, I'd love it.

• 1:40:26Kurt Metzger?

  It's a lot of.

• 1:40:27Duncan Trussell?

  Don't give him that baculum.

• 1:40:29Kurt Metzger?

  I'm just letting him touch it.

• 1:40:30Speaker 04

  Oh, wow, that's nice.

• 1:40:31Kurt Metzger?

  It's nice, right?

• 1:40:32Speaker 04

  Oh, yes, very good. Yes.

• 1:40:34Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, it's, it's a good one.

• 1:40:36Duncan Trussell?

  He's controlling you already.

• 1:40:39Kurt Metzger?

  Um, nobody sucked on my taint. All right. Now, look.

• 1:40:42Speaker 04

  Not yet.

• 1:40:43Kurt Metzger?

  There's been a lot of confusion. There's been a lot of confusion so far this podcast and a lot of, um, it looks like a lot of tough editing is what's ahead of us, really, if I'm being honest.

• 1:40:54Kurt Metzger?

  Looks like there's gonna be a lot of tough edits ahead. So I'd like to know, uh, what is the beef between you and Blade? And Blade, ostensibly, I know he's a vampire hunter, but I have never had it satisfactorily established for me that he hunts vampires. So what is your beef with him? As far as I know, he just like kills homeless people.

• 1:41:15Speaker 04

  Well, I do live on the streets occasionally, so he might've mistaken me for a homeless person.

• 1:41:22Duncan Trussell?

  You don't seem like you do.

• 1:41:24Kurt Metzger?

  So you're telling me that you, a real vampire, was, uh, living on the streets and he mistook you for a homeless? And, uh, tried to, uh, Blade, is any of this accurate? Does he have a mic?

• 1:41:39Kurt Metzger?

  Maybe. So, okay.

• 1:41:45Speaker 04

  Listen, I wasn't smart with my finances over all the 700 years I've been alive. Okay. You have ups and downs. Okay. I've been bankrupt at least 42 times in my life.

• 1:41:55Kurt Metzger?

  The things, yo, diesel's going way up too.

• 1:41:58Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, that's gotta affect vampires.

• 1:41:59Kurt Metzger?

  It gets worse before it gets better.

• 1:42:01Duncan Trussell?

  Brent crude.

• 1:42:03Kurt Metzger?

  And plus, uh, if you're drinking this, the blood out of this, uh, guy with his fucking sugars.

• 1:42:08Speaker 04

  Blade met a witch burning.

• 1:42:11Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 1:42:11Speaker 04

  Blade met T. Vane at a, at a witch burning.

• 1:42:15Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, is it T. Vane? It's not T. Vane.

• 1:42:17Speaker 04

  You're saying it like a little like with an extra stank on it. He's saying it right.

• 1:42:21Kurt Metzger?

  I like to put a little stank on like.

• 1:42:22Speaker 04

  You're saying T. Vane like his mom's name is Keisha.

• 1:42:25Kurt Metzger?

  That's exactly what I'm doing.

• 1:42:26Speaker 04

  But it's T. Vane, like he's from Transylvania. Anyway, I thought it was trans.

• 1:42:34Kurt Metzger?

  So Trans Vane, you're saying?

• 1:42:36Speaker 04

  Yes. He said, are you trans? And then he tried to throw me over a bridge. It's like, what the fuck, man?

• 1:42:40Speaker 04

  I seen him sleeping, I seen him sleeping near Lady Bird Lake. And I was like, oh, look, a Transylvanian. And I tried to pick him up and the motherfucker tried to bite me on my dick. And then. There's a natural holes there for the blood flow. Of course I'm going to start with the penis.

• 1:42:55Speaker 04

  It doesn't matter what the fuck it is, T. Vane. I'm going to start with the penis. Your big black dick was bathing in my face. I'm going to go for it. Okay? Shit, bite me on my neck like a regular motherfucker. Fuck you. I'm gonna suck your dick later.

• 1:43:10Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, what happened? Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, oh. Wait, wait, wait, don't, no, that is our grabber, we need it. Do not use our grabber.

• 1:43:25Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, I, I.

• 1:43:28Kurt Metzger?

  It's, it's, I, and, well, you're lucky if you can even grab it.

• 1:43:31Speaker 04

  Let him grab your dick with that thing.

• 1:43:33Kurt Metzger?

  I bet he can, now that it was broken by Bladé.

• 1:43:35Speaker 04

  It's not broken, cheer up, silly man.

• 1:43:38Kurt Metzger?

  Do you know, by the way, this is the tip of the baculum, this part. You would think that, because it's got such a.

• 1:43:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:43:45Kurt Metzger?

  Don't make me break my own grabber. You would think this would be it, but it's not.

• 1:43:48Speaker 04

  That's a really big threatening move right there, don't make me break my own grabber, bitch.

• 1:43:53Kurt Metzger?

  That's, it was the title of a song we had, it's not a big deal. Don't make me break.

• 1:43:56Speaker 04

  Don't make me break my own grabber, oh.

• 1:43:58Kurt Metzger?

  That's right.

• 1:43:59Speaker 04

  Don't make me damage my own property, oh.

• 1:44:01Kurt Metzger?

  Karp sexakid and the pig man.

• 1:44:03Speaker 04

  So I met him at a witch burning, where all the bitches was, right?

• 1:44:06Kurt Metzger?

  Uh huh.

• 1:44:07Speaker 04

  And then, uh, I was like, yo, you know, saying, I'm just here just trying to get his witch pussy.

• 1:44:12Kurt Metzger?

  What, were they burning with, uh, chlamydia?

• 1:44:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're welcome. And, uh, and so, uh, anyway, I was there, and this motherfucker tried to grab my ass. And I was like, oh shit.

• 1:44:27Speaker 04

  It's a motherfucking vampire.

• 1:44:30Kurt Metzger?

  Yo.

• 1:44:30Speaker 04

  You know?

• 1:44:31Kurt Metzger?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:44:32Speaker 04

  And then after that, man, we've just been at it ever since. I love me some dog meat.

• 1:44:38Kurt Metzger?

  So, this is, uh, kind of a.

• 1:44:40Speaker 04

  Say some shit again. I said I love dog meat, fuck you.

• 1:44:44Kurt Metzger?

  Wow, real fire and ice, fire and ice.

• 1:44:48Speaker 04

  And then, and then four hundred years later, I was at a poetry lounge doing my motherfucking thing.

• 1:44:53Kurt Metzger?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:44:54Speaker 04

  Guess who else was on the open mic sheet?

• 1:44:55Kurt Metzger?

  I don't, who? This guy.

• 1:44:57Speaker 04

  This motherfucker, it was a slam poetry contest.

• 1:45:00Kurt Metzger?

  Trans Vane.

• 1:45:01Speaker 04

  Yes, T Vane, yeah, that's it, yeah, whatever you want to call him. He was on the open mic list, and it was a slam poetry contest, and guess who won that motherfucker?

• 1:45:11Speaker 04

  You did.

• 1:45:14Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, no, no, no, hell, wait.

• 1:45:27Speaker 04

  Now point it at his dick, point it at his dick. Yeah, point it down, right at his penis.

• 1:45:33Kurt Metzger?

  I'm sorry, dude, I'm sorry.

• 1:45:34Speaker 04

  He's gonna blow your dick, no!

• 1:45:36Kurt Metzger?

  What is this, what kind of gun is this?

• 1:45:39Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 1:45:39Kurt Metzger?

  Oh shit. Wait. Oh shit.

• 1:45:43Speaker 04

  It's for bugs.

• 1:45:46Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, what?

• 1:45:47Speaker 04

  It's a bug gun.

• 1:45:48Kurt Metzger?

  Why don't I have one of these, this is fucking rad, dude.

• 1:45:51Speaker 04

  Well, I.

• 1:45:51Kurt Metzger?

  This is a fucking bug gun.

• 1:45:53Speaker 04

  Yes, it was a bug gun.

• 1:45:54Kurt Metzger?

  Is that what this is, like a, oh, this is nice.

• 1:45:57Speaker 04

  Shoots bugs.

• 1:45:58Kurt Metzger?

  Well, a vampire, I mean, I wouldn't want to get shot, that's a lot of nice heft.

• 1:46:01Speaker 04

  It's got an air canister, and then it shoots darts, I think.

• 1:46:04Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, this is fucking cool shit. Okay, wait, listen.

• 1:46:07Speaker 04

  I won the poetry contest, but we did go to sudden death.

• 1:46:12Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it's a blowgun?

• 1:46:17Kurt Metzger?

  A six needler air pistol? Oh dude, this fucking rules. Okay, well, I have to get one for me.

• 1:46:26Kurt Metzger?

  Because, you know, you silver this up, if you got to blast a fucking, you know, not to be offensive, but a fucking, uh, but a trancy.

• 1:46:33Speaker 04

  Okay, while you're here, just add another fucking grabber, so Kurt can quit being such a little bitch about his grabber.

• 1:46:39Kurt Metzger?

  How about if we all stop with the violence?

• 1:46:41Speaker 04

  Add this to the card, oh, you're buying a fucking gun, and then you can add a little grabber to the card?

• 1:46:45Kurt Metzger?

  I'm not convinced with your guy's choreography of your fight, I feel like there's some kind of sexual thing going on, and I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. I know that, I know, I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. I'll tell you that much. Okay, I don't like you sucking on his taint, because he's all over the fucking place today.

• 1:47:03Kurt Metzger?

  Guy drained your taint, you don't even remember meeting him. You think that's normal, for a man to drain the blood out of your taint, and you don't remember meeting him?

• 1:47:09Speaker 04

  I just found out he drained my taint.

• 1:47:12Duncan Trussell?

  Just climb in my mouth.

• 1:47:38Kurt Metzger?

  So, okay, long story short, because this guy drank out of Duncan's taint, and I don't know if Duncan told you he has diabetes, did it taste too sweet? Because you drank out of a diabetic man, and now he's fucked.

• 1:47:48Speaker 04

  It was very, very sweet, and that's why I kept going back for his taint, it was very nice.

• 1:47:52Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you didn't help the show, T Vane. You fucked it up, because now Duncan is puking, because he has diabetes problems. I mean, uh.

• 1:48:01Speaker 04

  That's what I said.

• 1:48:01Kurt Metzger?

  Meanwhile.

• 1:48:02Speaker 04

  You live some, you diabetes some, that's just how it goes.

• 1:48:05Kurt Metzger?

  So, look, uh, I'm just gonna, we're gonna cover the stories of the day with, uh, Bladé and, and, uh, T Vane.

• 1:48:14Kurt Metzger?

  Now, are you guys familiar?

• 1:48:16Speaker 04

  Put your soul down, it looks like a big black dick coming out of your crotch.

• 1:48:18Kurt Metzger?

  It, I.

• 1:48:20Speaker 04

  Stop it, you're getting me excited, stop it.

• 1:48:22Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, don't unsheathe.

• 1:48:24Speaker 04

  Enough, do not unsheathe your big black soul, stop it.

• 1:48:25Kurt Metzger?

  Could you just hold it, like, look, this is, just like have it next to you, like a stick for me?

• 1:48:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, like.

• 1:48:30Kurt Metzger?

  Because it's blocking the screen, so I need to talk about this.

• 1:48:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:48:33Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, I like how you have it like you're gonna try to blow yourself, okay. What?

• 1:48:40Kurt Metzger?

  Why wouldn't you just keep it like this, like with the handle up in case you need it?

• 1:48:46Kurt Metzger?

  There you go, now there's, now you're a samurai.

• 1:48:50Kurt Metzger?

  All right, um, now, are either of you familiar with, uh, looks maxing? We're real big on it here at, uh,

• 1:48:58Kurt Metzger?

  at the, uh, you know, Mystery Boys.

• 1:49:00Speaker 04

  Love looks maxing, yes.

• 1:49:02Kurt Metzger?

  Are you familiar with looks maxing, uh, Bladé?

• 1:49:05Speaker 04

  Fuck T Vane.

• 1:49:07Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. Look, now, I, now, I know this, you want to turn this into a no jumper episode, but it's not that.

• 1:49:13Speaker 04

  Right. No, I don't know what looks.

• 1:49:15Kurt Metzger?

  This is not where we settle your goddamn.

• 1:49:17Speaker 04

  Let's put aside our differences for a moment, just so we can look at the subject that Kurt is bringing up.

• 1:49:21Kurt Metzger?

  Put your street beefs down for two seconds.

• 1:49:22Speaker 04

  He just like him.

• 1:49:25Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, but it sounds like you're a little jealous that he likes him, if I'm being quite honest, and I'm surprised, because I wouldn't have thought that, but there's some kind of tension between the two of you. I'm not telling you how to live your lives, I'm just saying, I noticed, it was a very half-hearted karate fight, and I think we have it on tape, that it didn't look like a genuine fight.

• 1:49:44Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, if I'm telling, hey.

• 1:49:46Speaker 04

  I would sleep when it happened, I would sleep when it happened. I started mind controlling him to slow the blades, that's where, that way it wouldn't pierce my body.

• 1:49:54Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so, is that what, oh, no shit.

• 1:49:57Speaker 04

  Man, what happened to him? Clavicular.

• 1:50:01Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so clavicular, what, does, do we know why he calls himself that, anyone? Anyone in the booth know why clav?

• 1:50:10Kurt Metzger?

  Because his clavicles.

• 1:50:11Speaker 04

  Because that's a collarbone, right, uh, below the area where I typically sink my teeth into neck.

• 1:50:16Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I mean, it really does sound like someone who's a blood prostitute, what they're, they would call themselves.

• 1:50:21Speaker 04

  Clavicular, oh, yes.

• 1:50:22Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, like, um.

• 1:50:24Speaker 04

  Well, it sounds like a syndrome that you have, or something like that?

• 1:50:26Kurt Metzger?

  Clavicular syndrome.

• 1:50:27Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:50:28Kurt Metzger?

  Well, yeah, there's, uh, I, I think they should name one after him, uh, uh, because he's been charged with the, uh, uh, grape, I guess, I don't know what, do I just blank out? By the way, is that normal, that you have to bleep out the name of an actual crime that can happen, all right, whatever? Uh, uh, uh, he's been charged with grape. So, not a good looks maxing, in my, in my book, and I'm sorry it makes this controversial, but I, I say, that's not a good look.

• 1:50:55Speaker 04

  No, I'm very against grape. What's looks maxing?

• 1:51:00Kurt Metzger?

  It's when, uh, well, look at that picture, it's when you're a guy that says, hey, I'm going to, uh, I, I still don't, you know what, just give them a definition, can you pull up the definition, what is looks maxing? Um, it's hard, honestly, I've always had a hard time explaining extreme white things to black people, and, and it, uh, uh, you know, and I feel dumb when I tell them.

• 1:51:21Speaker 04

  I've been called extreme by my entire life. Tell them what happened in eighteen fifty-two. I don't want to.

• 1:51:28Kurt Metzger?

  All right, well, you don't have to, and I don't think any of the viewers care, and I don't think anyone in the booth cares what happened, so, you guys, your secret's safe.

• 1:51:33Speaker 04

  I care.

• 1:51:35Kurt Metzger?

  Do you want to say what happened?

• 1:51:36Speaker 04

  No, what's looks maxing?

• 1:51:38Kurt Metzger?

  It's an online trend and self-improvement practice focused on maximizing a person's physical appearance. You can read more on it, about its history, at looks maxing, Wikipedia. Go to the, let's see how Wikipedia is, it mainly targets teenage boys and young men. So you know how chicks like magazines make them feel ugly, back in the day, they go, yeah, magazine, I'm ugly, now they made it for dudes.

• 1:52:01Speaker 04

  Did you know that that's a wig he have on, and that's not really that person's hair? This is my hair.

• 1:52:06Kurt Metzger?

  I did suspect that, because I thought vampires, they lose their hair, you know? Because it's like gross what they do. Wait, where is it? I don't see nothing but blackness. The black heart of T Vane.

• 1:52:17Speaker 04

  Easy, Bladé's right next to you.

• 1:52:21Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, come on, that's not.

• 1:52:27Kurt Metzger?

  What, is it not pop up on Wikipedia?

• 1:52:31Speaker 04

  It's, uh, not loading right now.

• 1:52:32Kurt Metzger?

  What the fuck?

• 1:52:33Speaker 04

  Have you ever heard of looks vaxing?

• 1:52:36Kurt Metzger?

  Looks vaxing, no, what is that?

• 1:52:37Speaker 04

  It's when you get vaccinated, uh, just so you can put it on social media.

• 1:52:43Kurt Metzger?

  Oh.

• 1:52:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. You know that those aren't his real eyes either? What the fuck is your problem, Bladé?

• 1:52:53Speaker 04

  I'm sitting here with you, I've said I've put aside my differences, and you keep coming at me.

• 1:52:57Kurt Metzger?

  You know, I want to have a productive podcast, but sadly, that's what the people like beef, you know? Well, this is probably gonna do very well, this episode, because people like this horse shit, and not, we're trying to get to the bottom of what happened to clavicular, free clavicular, first of all.

• 1:53:10Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:53:11Kurt Metzger?

  Free Andrew Tate.

• 1:53:12Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:53:12Kurt Metzger?

  Let me tell you the two things Mystery Boys is founded on.

• 1:53:15Speaker 04

  Okay, one?

• 1:53:16Kurt Metzger?

  Is free, is, we're gonna, we're gonna find the real, like, uh, whatever Tate is, find the real killer.

• 1:53:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:53:24Kurt Metzger?

  And free Andrew Tate. Two, now, we have a new mission, uh, free, uh, clav.

• 1:53:33Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, hard maxing, what's that? Uh, will you read it, please, uh, T Vane, my eyes are bad, and you've got good vampire eyes.

• 1:53:39Speaker 04

  Hard maxing is a subset of looks maxing that refers to more extreme practices in order to achieve significant changes to one's appearance and facial structure. These include off-label or unauthorized use of substances such as anabolic steroids, peptides, human growth hormones, aromatase inhibitors.

• 1:54:03Kurt Metzger?

  Yes, that's so you don't get tits.

• 1:54:05Speaker 04

  Vate lost medications to achieve a taller stature.

• 1:54:09Speaker 04

  More masculine appearance and refresh page.

• 1:54:15Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, go to the top because I want to get the very top definition. Okay. Uh, online self-improvement practice from the manosphere. Shut the fuck up. Focused on maximizing your blah, blah, blah. The term is a neologism. Uh, which is coined on incel, incel message boards. Uh, what's the incel?

• 1:54:42Speaker 04

  Did you know his teeth scratch people? Yeah, they do.

• 1:54:45Kurt Metzger?

  Duncan had to leave as a matter of fact because of being drained.

• 1:54:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, I drained his taint. So big deal. Wow. Okay. Yes, he tasted very delicious. I didn't think he was gonna be puking and have to leave the podcast. That's my bad.

• 1:54:59Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, well, I mean, it's, I don't think that's ethical to, to feed on a diabetic. Personally, but I mean, everybody, look. Duncan's a big boy. He knows what kind of parties he's going to. You know what I'm saying?

• 1:55:10Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 1:55:11Kurt Metzger?

  He knows the parties he's going to. Hanging out with this. Maybe he'll think twice about hanging out with Donnie Rothschild now. That's another, another, that's a whole other thing that I'm not getting into. Uh, anyway, uh, so this boy here. Uh, Clavicular, he is the number one. So he's on the incel forums and he took the black pill. You know what the black pill is?

• 1:55:32Speaker 04

  He should answer that. Yeah, it's, uh, Molly.

• 1:55:35Kurt Metzger?

  It's not, it is not.

• 1:55:36Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:55:37Kurt Metzger?

  And, and by the way, typically Molly does not come in black. Don't take, if somebody tells you Molly is a black pill, don't take that. Okay, wait, stop.

• 1:55:45Speaker 04

  Shit.

• 1:55:45Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, so black pill is where you learn that the only thing that matters is your looks.

• 1:55:51Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:55:52Kurt Metzger?

  In this world, there's only one thing that matters, which is your outer, uh, wrapper. You know, your outer shell. And so that's why you will never get ahead in life unless you do what this clavicular kid did and, and do shit that typically bitches would do.

• 1:56:06Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:56:07Kurt Metzger?

  You know, like, you know how chicks worry about that kind of shit originally, but now this kid is? Because he's a, a, a ex-blood boy to, to fucking Peter Thiel or some shit.

• 1:56:17Speaker 04

  And did you know he can actually grow a mustache? Did you know this?

• 1:56:20Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, well, I see a little bit of stash coming in.

• 1:56:23Speaker 04

  It's very blonde. It was eighteen fifty-two. Just go ahead and tell us the damn story if you can bring up eighteen fifty-two. Read the Wikipedia page.

• 1:56:33Kurt Metzger?

  Um, I feel like you're not learning what looks maxing is.

• 1:56:35Speaker 04

  And also it's called Wikipedia, not Vicapedia.

• 1:56:39Kurt Metzger?

  That's, uh, fa- what?

• 1:56:43Speaker 04

  It's not Wikipedia, not Vicapedia.

• 1:56:46Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, there's a lot of nuance there. That's right. Thank you.

• 1:56:53Kurt Metzger?

  Um, okay, uh, let's see. Aja Romano writes, hey, could you, I've always wondered what A.J.A. Romano, I want to know what she looks like. I've always just wanted to know. What, aha.

• 1:57:05Speaker 04

  Aya Romano? And the T in his name don't stand for Teresa.

• 1:57:10Kurt Metzger?

  What? I didn't, well, I don't think that claim was made.

• 1:57:15Speaker 04

  It was eighteen fifty-two.

• 1:57:17Kurt Metzger?

  Let's take a look. Okay. So she would probably be on the other end of looks maxing, like, as in not, not doing that. Okay. Former senior culture writer. So I don't know if you remember the wokey times. Do you remember them? It feels like a weird memory. It feels like, like a long time ago.

• 1:57:36Speaker 04

  The years of yesteryear, yes. Quite a while ago.

• 1:57:38Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, is this even the same one? There's like fifty of them. I don't, this might just be a separate. Yahah. Haha Romano. I just want to see the, she used to write for, um, Pajiba. Remember Pajiba?

• 1:57:51Speaker 04

  Hmm. How tight is pussy supposed to be in? This is supposed to smell like shit.

• 1:57:58Kurt Metzger?

  Uh.

• 1:57:58Speaker 04

  Riddle me this one more time? It was eighteen fifty-two.

• 1:58:02Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. Look, there's no way. It sounds like this has been a conflict brewing for a long time. Okay, so will you just repeat what you said? Well, well, I just gonna have to settle this, I guess. I was hoping to help my man Clavicular because he's being arrested for rape. And also he shot some weird chemical in a girl's face that ate a hole through her cheek.

• 1:58:22Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:58:23Kurt Metzger?

  Right? Who hasn't done that here?

• 1:58:25Speaker 04

  I mean, yes, we all shoot substances into ladies' cheeks that burn a little bit at certain times. It was eighteen fifty-two.

• 1:58:31Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:58:33Speaker 04

  That was a long time ago.

• 1:58:35Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, but what, say the thing you just said about how tight.

• 1:58:36Speaker 04

  Do you want me to tell what happened in eighteen fifty-two? Tell them. All right.

• 1:58:40Kurt Metzger?

  Boy.

• 1:58:41Speaker 04

  We have an Eiffel Towering a girl and our penis is touched.

• 1:58:45Kurt Metzger?

  That's right, their dicks touched. Now, okay, I can get my head around that, but they touched like inside the girl?

• 1:58:52Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:58:53Kurt Metzger?

  How, so your dick, so you're telling me?

• 1:58:56Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:58:56Kurt Metzger?

  Because Eiffel Tower is on each side. Am I getting this wrong?

• 1:59:00Speaker 04

  No, that's right.

• 1:59:00Kurt Metzger?

  So this is old-fashioned pig roast. And inside your dick's touched, inside the, the person?

• 1:59:07Speaker 04

  Yes. Mm-hmm.

• 1:59:09Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I think the only person who should be mad in this scenario is that girl. I imagine she's passed on now because that sounds.

• 1:59:15Speaker 04

  She, she exploded, okay? She exploded.

• 1:59:17Kurt Metzger?

  Eighteen fifty-two was a year of friendships doomed. Laying bra on a maid in the orgy room. High-fiving mid-pump like a couple of clowns. A blinding white flash interrupted their pound. Something went wrong and the maid went puff. Blast so big it made the whole orgy stop. Two donks clacking helmets for the smoke and dust. T V lost the fan and said, bro, that was nuts.

• 1:59:43Speaker 04

  Bloody T V, bloody T V. I know that my friend, bloody T V. That war never ends. Eiffel Tower in the maid, she went up like grenade and their dicks touched. Their dicks touched. I know their dicks touched. Bloody T V, fighting to the pain. Bloody T V, won't be broke again. They double T the maid, she bust apart like a grenade. And their dicks touched, their dicks touched. I said their dicks touched.

• 2:00:22Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 2:00:22Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I feel like you buried the lead on the story a little bit. So you, okay. So are you, you're both vampires? Where's your teeth?

• 2:00:32Speaker 04

  Teeth? I, I never, I never changed my shit. My shit was always fucked up. So I didn't have to really like do shit.

• 2:00:41Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, okay. So, uh, just to recap what's going on here, there's a, a certain degree of resentment between the two of you. Because in eighteen fifty-two, uh, you, uh, uh. You Eiffel, Eiffel Towered a lady.

• 2:00:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, she exploded.

• 2:00:57Kurt Metzger?

  And she exploded.

• 2:00:58Speaker 04

  And he realized I was a vampire because. You know, the supernatural abilities, like when I infiltrated a woman, she exploded. And our penis is touched and ever since then, he's been hunting me.

• 2:01:08Kurt Metzger?

  So are you, is the, what's the part that you're, okay, look.

• 2:01:13Kurt Metzger?

  What's the part with that, of that situation that you're upset about? You would say mainly?

• 2:01:18Speaker 04

  I, our dicks touched.

• 2:01:21Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:01:22Speaker 04

  Burt.

• 2:01:23Kurt Metzger?

  So, okay. So do you think that really that's, that's the main part of the story for both of you is that your dicks touch and not that a woman exploded?

• 2:01:32Speaker 04

  Nah, a bitch is gonna explode. That, that, that shit, that shit, that, that just happens. It happens. Dicks don't touch all the fucking time. No, no, no.

• 2:01:41Kurt Metzger?

  Now, more than they should. I'll, I'll give you that.

• 2:01:44Speaker 04

  Um, and I fell asleep and when I woke up, I had a hole in my taint.

• 2:01:51Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you did touch dicks. I mean, it's kind of leading them on, isn't it?

• 2:01:55Speaker 04

  Pick it up, pick it up.

• 2:01:56Kurt Metzger?

  Listen, I wouldn't touch.

• 2:01:58Speaker 04

  No. He gets very upset when we do our choreographed fights.

• 2:02:03Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. I'm gonna put, look, I'm gonna put this out there and I can't.

• 2:02:08Speaker 04

  He won't even let me grab his penis one time. Don't get me started on Frederick Douglass and what he did. Yeah, that was, that was eighteen fifty-two. I know what date it was, motherfuckers. It was a big year.

• 2:02:18Kurt Metzger?

  Um, all right.

• 2:02:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, the video camera had just came out. And guess who was the first one with one? Frederick Douglass.

• 2:02:26Speaker 04

  Can you pull up, can you pull up? Oh, oh, I don't even know if that, that shit even out there. Look at this motherfucker.

• 2:02:35Kurt Metzger?

  Frederick, uh, yeah? What about him? You don't like his hair?

• 2:02:38Speaker 04

  No, he said blacks and whites should get long and like all this stuff, right? So we was at the witch burning contest, or not the witch burning, the witch burning thing and then. He said that all witches don't have to be burned. Sometimes you can just, uh. Bond together by making her explode. Now, I don't got the ability to make a bitch explode, but because I'm not a vampire. I do. Bitches be exploding, but I go inside them.

• 2:03:04Speaker 04

  And our dicks touched.

• 2:03:06Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, you mentioned that, um. Okay.

• 2:03:09Speaker 04

  And I woke up with a hole in my taint.

• 2:03:10Kurt Metzger?

  Um, all right, so, so you feel there was a, some form of.

• 2:03:14Speaker 04

  I didn't feel shit.

• 2:03:19Kurt Metzger?

  Um.

• 2:03:21Kurt Metzger?

  But, but I'm saying now emotionally, you feel like there was some form of assault.

• 2:03:25Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't arrest a vampire because if you do life, he's just gonna live forever regardless.

• 2:03:31Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. Um, wow.

• 2:03:34Speaker 04

  What happened to Clavicular?

• 2:03:35Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, we put it, why, where'd he go? Wait, did he get, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why, wait, go back, go back. Did you see what that just said? Why Clavicular should not get leg, leg lengthening surgery. Hashtag doctor.

• 2:03:49Speaker 04

  Did you know?

• 2:03:51Kurt Metzger?

  Will you please, did he get leg lengthening surgery?

• 2:03:54Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 2:03:56Kurt Metzger?

  What is that?

• 2:03:57Speaker 04

  What is leg, oh, it makes you taller. On surgery to go from six-two to six foot six. That is more about.

• 2:04:03Duncan Trussell?

  Presence, you walk into a room, people notice, right? Cause people will come up to me, they'll say, oh, well, six foot two. You know, that's already, that's already very tall, but in terms of percentiles, it's only ninety first percentile, right? Six foot six, we get to ninety nine.

• 2:04:17Speaker 04

  Is this guy for real? I mean, you're six foot two, you wanna go to six foot six?

• 2:04:20Kurt Metzger?

  Is he six foot two? Clav?

• 2:04:24Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, six foot two, I mean, a lot of people are not six foot two. I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

• 2:04:30Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, he's, uh, five eleven, so this is another thing. So I guess looks maxing is completely transitioning into a woman. Where you lie about all your shit. I'm a, I, your weight, your height, your fucking, it's just basically turning guys into Twinkies.

• 2:04:48Kurt Metzger?

  You know?

• 2:04:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, just like a-

• 2:04:50Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, well, let's see the black pill. Will you read that, please, uh, uh, Tivane?

• 2:04:55Speaker 04

  Oh, yes. The Black Pill is a dark online belief system claiming that a person's romantic and social fate is completely fixed by their physical appearance and genetics, which leaves no room for change or hope.

• 2:05:10Kurt Metzger?

  So, that's what Black Pill means.

• 2:05:12Speaker 04

  I have a poem about a black pill. Would you like to hear it?

• 2:05:16Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I would, I would like to hear it.

• 2:05:19Speaker 04

  Black pill, white pill, why can't we all just get along?

• 2:05:22Kurt Metzger?

  Oh.

• 2:05:24Speaker 04

  You swallow yours, I swallow mine's. Goddamn, look at that dong. Shorten it up, shorten it up, man. I didn't mean to turn you on. I'm not really like that. Our dong's touched nineteen fifty, eighteen fifty-two. I get the dates mixed up, boo.

• 2:05:46Speaker 04

  Blah day, blah day. It's night, but blah day.

• 2:05:52Kurt Metzger?

  Wow, I feel like that poem told more of the story than the attempts to tell the story.

• 2:05:56Speaker 04

  Blue pill, red pill, which Rogan are you?

• 2:06:03Speaker 04

  MLK took one. I got him high, too. Blah day, blah day. It's night, but blah day.

• 2:06:12Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, blah day. Were you telling me you knew Martin Luther King?

• 2:06:15Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I knew Martin Luther King.

• 2:06:17Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, you guys are old, so did you think-

• 2:06:19Speaker 04

  We both knew him, yeah, cool guy. Oh, shit, oh, there you go, there you go.

• 2:06:22Kurt Metzger?

  People say there's a conspiracy, and I'm just gonna ask you this, guys, this one time. Do you think he was really shot, or did you both fuck him and he exploded?

• 2:06:32Kurt Metzger?

  I'm just gonna ask it.

• 2:06:34Speaker 04

  Tell them what happened.

• 2:06:37Speaker 04

  Well,

• 2:06:40Speaker 04

  there was something that happened early on the day of the day that he got shot.

• 2:06:44Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:06:46Speaker 04

  I may have punctured him one time. And there may have been some residue of toxins and bacteria and poison from my teeth. And when he woke up, tell them about the dream that he had told you that he had had.

• 2:07:03Speaker 04

  Well, he told me he had this dream. Right? And I was like, you gotta, you gotta like, tell more people about this one, this is, this is a banger. You know? I tell people about this dream, and he's like, well, I've got a speech coming up, do you guys should put it in there? And I was like, yes. And then I also told him, I was like, I'm going to take care of it for a while, that you are like, like, like, kind of messing around on your wife and stuff like that. It's not gonna come out for many years later, okay?

• 2:07:28Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:07:28Speaker 04

  Cause I would entranced people anytime a newspaper person or anybody would come around to interview him and ask him about his infidelity. I would look into their eyes and be like, he is a loyal, faithful husband, you will write nothing of this. And then eventually, years later, it came out, because I wasn't, you know, staying up to the times of the Martin Luther Kings, like, uh, people he, he was associating with, and I felt a little bad that he exploded from me biting his dick hole.

• 2:07:58Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so you heard it here first. Martin Luther King was not shot by, uh, uh, James Earl Ray. Uh, but in fact, he exploded from Tivane, uh, biting his dick hole. All right, well, uh, the real, I like, I like learning about real history, honestly. Um, now, would you say,

• 2:08:23Kurt Metzger?

  why would somebody explode, cause you bit their dick hole?

• 2:08:26Speaker 04

  It's, it's, you know, when blood mixes over and over and over hundreds of years, it becomes actually very, very toxic and poisonous. So, so what happens is, I can either turn you-

• 2:08:40Kurt Metzger?

  Don't look up cock explosion, please, it's not going to pertain to this.

• 2:08:44Speaker 04

  That's an actual Google search you just did? Exploding from dick bite?

• 2:08:50Speaker 04

  Who's a fuck is in the back right now?

• 2:08:54Kurt Metzger?

  I know that Tivane, Tivane is telling the truth, because all, all the women's magazines are like, make him explode.

• 2:09:00Speaker 04

  Also, one of them put, I don't even know if you guys caught it, but they literally typed in Google, clavicular [BLEEP] maxing.

• 2:09:08Kurt Metzger?

  I, I did that, and I, it's a poor taste, and I apologize to, uh, people are gonna be mad that I did that.

• 2:09:14Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 2:09:14Kurt Metzger?

  But he was, he was. Now, do you know the, do you know the lore of clavicular has a four inch dick?

• 2:09:21Speaker 04

  No, please tell me this is lore.

• 2:09:23Kurt Metzger?

  Let me tell you the real black pill, this guy's got a four inch dick.

• 2:09:25Speaker 04

  All right.

• 2:09:26Kurt Metzger?

  So, I mean, this girl, she must've been like, oh, like, oh, did you?

• 2:09:33Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I, I was, uh, okay. Oh, you're done? All right, okay.

• 2:09:40Kurt Metzger?

  He better, better off trying to go for that hole in her cheek that he drilled. All right, so, look. Wait, his shop, what? What is happening? He reveals shopping bag penis growing method? As Doctor Wars it can cause.

• 2:09:54Speaker 04

  Oh, he's hanging a shopping bag from his penis to stretch it out.

• 2:09:59Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, that's not good.

• 2:10:01Speaker 04

  I know, the doctors are warning him, it can cause permanent damage.

• 2:10:04Kurt Metzger?

  You could stretch it out, but I got news for you, um, it's not gonna get hard ever again.

• 2:10:10Speaker 04

  Is that from personal experience?

• 2:10:12Kurt Metzger?

  No, I have an enormous cock. Go down a little bit. Uh, uh, yeah, I, this is, I'm not, I'm not really in this with, like, that, uh, um, you know? That's why I'm always been cool.

• 2:10:23Speaker 04

  Is he was Howie Mandel?

• 2:10:26Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, what does that say? Where you said, uh,

• 2:10:31Kurt Metzger?

  Braden, oh, his real name's Braden. Well, there's nothing more masculine than the name Braden. That's something I think we all could agree on.

• 2:10:37Speaker 04

  Yes. Yeah.

• 2:10:38Kurt Metzger?

  Braden, when you hear a guy's name Braden, you're like, oh, get ready for a fucking, a real unit of a manosphere.

• 2:10:44Speaker 04

  Real construction worker over here.

• 2:10:46Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 2:10:46Speaker 04

  Hey, Braden, will you, uh, drill the concrete for us, please?

• 2:10:53Kurt Metzger?

  You, does the manosphere sound like a gay club to anyone? I, I, I, I have never, um-

• 2:10:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, it sounds like somewhere that you'd want to, like, maybe apply for a membership? Like, and then, like, it's a very exclusive club?

• 2:11:05Kurt Metzger?

  It sounds like an exclusive club if I'm into, somebody bites my dick and I wanna explode.

• 2:11:12Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, the, oh, look at this, Tivane is right, the shopping bag hang trick.

• 2:11:18Speaker 04

  I've been around a long time, I know a lot of the tricks, you know, the trade.

• 2:11:21Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, now, does, does the vampirism do anything for that? Or do you get, like, uh, does it affect your, uh?

• 2:11:28Speaker 04

  Well, if I'm low on feeding,

• 2:11:32Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:11:32Speaker 04

  Then obviously, to get hard, you need good blood flow. So I, so instead of like, like, taking a Bluetooth or something like that, I have to go out and get like a blue blood, like a very wealthy person to help me like-

• 2:11:47Kurt Metzger?

  Copper in it. Uh, now, is it, now is your, so is your penis also a vampire? Like, it gets drained and then it has to feed on other penises? Maybe that's why you were offended by his, his dick tip? Was his dick tip trying to feed on your penis, taking some girth in length and transferring it to him? A penis, you know what I'm saying? Like a penis, like-

• 2:12:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, I do know what you're saying.

• 2:12:10Kurt Metzger?

  You know how some people could be a vampire? Uh, not, they're not a vampire, but their dick is a vampire?

• 2:12:15Speaker 04

  In eighteen fifty-two, he used to have a ten inch penis, and I stole half an inch and he never forgave me.

• 2:12:21Kurt Metzger?

  That is, okay.

• 2:12:24Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you know what?

• 2:12:24Speaker 04

  That's what happened.

• 2:12:25Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:12:26Speaker 04

  So I call him Mister nine point five now.

• 2:12:28Kurt Metzger?

  I don't mean to use the wisdom of, of, uh, the wisdom of Shlomo right now. But, um, ten inches, and you took how much?

• 2:12:34Speaker 04

  Half an inch, I just wanted half an inch. It don't fucking matter. That was all my shit.

• 2:12:40Kurt Metzger?

  That's just a little, wait, but you saw, what, which, which part did you take off the shaft? Where'd you, where'd you get your, uh, where'd you cut your half inch from, the shaft or the helmet?

• 2:12:50Speaker 04

  Uh, no, it's the base.

• 2:12:52Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, you took it straight out the base?

• 2:12:53Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yep. Started from the bottom, now we're here. Yeah, so he's got a triangle penis now.

• 2:13:00Kurt Metzger?

  So, okay, so this, okay, wow, so really, it's like your penis is like clavicular mutilating that girl, but in this case, the girl is his, his penis.

• 2:13:11Speaker 04

  Yeah. And then, and then, and then, so he took it from the base. All right, I'll tell you, he took it from the base. My whole shit was- I said, well, can you use your, can you use your blood spit to like glue it back on or whatever? But not in the gay way, just like spit it on.

• 2:13:26Kurt Metzger?

  It's a medical emergency.

• 2:13:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:13:28Kurt Metzger?

  So he had to sever it to do this?

• 2:13:30Speaker 04

  He severed it with the motherfucking with the, with the, those ain't, those, those are his real teeth.

• 2:13:35Kurt Metzger?

  What did he sever it with? Was it one of them cigar choppers?

• 2:13:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this all happened in the cigar lounge.

• 2:13:45Speaker 04

  It was, I told you, it was an after party at a witch burning. Yeah, it was a very progressive, uh, cigar lounge in eighteen fifty-two.

• 2:13:54Kurt Metzger?

  Um, well, I mean, if they're cool, the chick exploding during an Eiffel Towering.

• 2:13:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, we cleaned up.

• 2:14:01Kurt Metzger?

  You did an old fashioned Hawaiian pig roast and she exploded.

• 2:14:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, I cleaned it up because I had to because I was the only nigga there. His words, not mine.

• 2:14:12Kurt Metzger?

  Where'd he go? He didn't help you?

• 2:14:14Speaker 04

  He disappeared. Fucking evaporated. Yeah.

• 2:14:18Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, but I think that you guys aren't, aren't nemesis as much as we thought.

• 2:14:23Speaker 04

  Nah, I can't stand the motherfucker. I'm just not gonna fight him. This is just shit. You told me not to fight him.

• 2:14:29Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, but it sounds like just a lot of personal shit. I mean, you guys sound like you're like roommates or something. That's how it sounds. They come off like roommates.

• 2:14:37Speaker 04

  Tell him that part.

• 2:14:41Speaker 04

  We may have been roommates for a temporary time.

• 2:14:44Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:14:44Speaker 04

  Before eighteen fifty-two.

• 2:14:46Kurt Metzger?

  Our genemies are formed that way, I find.

• 2:14:47Speaker 04

  Well, we were very close for a very long time. And then everything changed in eighteen fifty-two. There's a series of events that led to our problems.

• 2:14:55Kurt Metzger?

  How long were you friends before a bitch exploded on your dicks?

• 2:14:59Speaker 04

  Like two hundred years?

• 2:15:01Kurt Metzger?

  So you threw away a two hundred year friendship, just over one?

• 2:15:04Speaker 04

  One penis touch and me taking half an inch.

• 2:15:09Speaker 04

  It don't matter if it was half an inch, a, a, a, a pint of an inch. It don't motherfucking matter. It's an inch, a, a piece of an inch.

• 2:15:15Kurt Metzger?

  It depends where it comes off. Coming off the base is like.

• 2:15:18Speaker 04

  That shit hurt.

• 2:15:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I, I just assumed it was like kind of a deflating and inflating process, but you're telling me there's literal.

• 2:15:26Speaker 04

  He said, please spit on my penis and reattach it.

• 2:15:28Kurt Metzger?

  Did you?

• 2:15:31Speaker 04

  What happened was I forgot to say pause. And that's gonna make it even worse. That part so. That part so.

• 2:15:39Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, well, look, we'll get, we're getting through a lot of.

• 2:15:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, let's talk about Key's wife.

• 2:15:44Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, yeah, this is actually a great, a great thing to bring up. So are you familiar with Keel and Peel?

• 2:15:49Speaker 04

  Keel and Peel. Yeah, I know Keel and Peel.

• 2:15:51Kurt Metzger?

  Who do you like better, Keel or Peel? I like, um, Peel. Who's the one that made Get Out?

• 2:15:57Speaker 04

  Peel.

• 2:15:58Kurt Metzger?

  So I like Peel better.

• 2:16:01Kurt Metzger?

  What? I'd rather be what? Pontooning? Oh, we have to talk about nothing now? That's sad. Um, I like, uh, Peel better, uh, his work since then, but I think a lot of people say that, right? That's not a unique take, is it?

• 2:16:13Speaker 04

  Nah.

• 2:16:14Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:16:15Speaker 04

  It's not. It's not that different careers, you know, one is still on camera heavily and the other one invented the directorial path.

• 2:16:22Kurt Metzger?

  Um, okay, so, well, uh, I mean, Peel did both. Peel does it all. That guy is multi-talented and multi-racial.

• 2:16:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is.

• 2:16:34Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, wait.

• 2:16:35Speaker 04

  I like Peel.

• 2:16:36Kurt Metzger?

  Well, okay, I like Get Out. You know Get Out? I think Get Out is a really good horror movie because it's got, you can tell it's some deep psychological shit inside of Peel that he really made into a thing. So my theory for quite some time was that Get Out is about Peel meeting Chelsea Peretti's family. Based on meeting who I've met in her family.

• 2:16:55Speaker 04

  Do you think so?

• 2:16:57Kurt Metzger?

  Well, her brother's Jonah Peretti, the founder of BuzzFeed. He came, he, he came to Boston many years ago with a, he's wearing a scarf indoors. He's got some nice tech call yoga shit about accelerating.

• 2:17:09Speaker 04

  Oh, Aquagula.

• 2:17:12Kurt Metzger?

  And, and all hail the Aquagula is some like kind of a deep cut of, uh, magical bullshit. Um, okay, but I might be wrong. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was about meeting Chelsea. Maybe it was about his buddy Keel, meeting that other bitch. Who showed the other one?

• 2:17:26Speaker 04

  The Chinese one that he dated?

• 2:17:28Kurt Metzger?

  She's not Chinese. She's, I mean, no, she, she's a. What's her name? Put it up if you, you just had it.

• 2:17:34Speaker 04

  Ella Key.

• 2:17:37Speaker 04

  What?

• 2:17:38Kurt Metzger?

  What the fuck?

• 2:17:39Speaker 04

  Man, motherfucker.

• 2:17:40Kurt Metzger?

  How did you have it before and you can't find it now?

• 2:17:42Speaker 04

  Marion Anderson.

• 2:17:44Kurt Metzger?

  Are you just writing nonsense?

• 2:17:46Speaker 04

  It's called a. Not Keen and Ivory Wayans. Oh.

• 2:17:49Kurt Metzger?

  Here we go. Now, who's his wife? Elle? What's Elle's maiden name?

• 2:17:57Kurt Metzger?

  Um, and a short prediction is gonna be a steen on it.

• 2:18:02Kurt Metzger?

  What? Why does it say Ella Puglies?

• 2:18:06Speaker 04

  Who is this?

• 2:18:08Kurt Metzger?

  Tanner, what is happening?

• 2:18:09Speaker 04

  That's what her last, that's what her, that's who she is.

• 2:18:12Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so put in A K E E L A.

• 2:18:18Kurt Metzger?

  And, uh, Keel, uh, not his, I call him Keel, but I forget his name. No.

• 2:18:23Speaker 04

  The fuck is he?

• 2:18:23Kurt Metzger?

  What is, what is happening?

• 2:18:25Speaker 04

  It's the, the, the video of that comedian Akilah Hughes.

• 2:18:28Kurt Metzger?

  There you go.

• 2:18:29Speaker 04

  It's called Lock and Banana, the.

• 2:18:31Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so put this bitch talking about, now, this is why you don't let the wokeness into your shit, because they're gonna blather all your personal business. Okay, now, this is a storytelling show. You have to understand something about these fucking millennial wokeness. Everything about them is based on a more famous person delegating some of the, some of their cocksides to them.

• 2:18:52Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 2:18:52Kurt Metzger?

  I'm glad you guys had this incident because it's a good illustration. So all the millennial twits that did call out and cancel and all that shit, it's they're redistributing cocksides, basically. Do you understand? It, we will never have socialism in America except for rich people, but if I'm a fucking bourgeois twat posing as a minority fucking disadvantaged person, I can go, do you have more stuff than me? And yeah, well, you should get, so that's why you don't let her in. But these dumb dumbs let her in because, uh, I think they probably had domineering white mothers. Okay, go ahead.

• 2:19:25Speaker 04

  And this is Keel's wife?

• 2:19:27Kurt Metzger?

  It's Keel's wife. Um, okay.

• 2:19:32Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, but get to the Keel part. We can't listen to her whole story because I bet it sucks. People who don't warn you about the, uh, he is, and I don't think this is too shady. I think it's true. Uh, the less, the less successful half of a comedy duo that has something. Well, go back. She was just saying it. He didn't say, and it was like the only thing he had to say. Yo, yo, oh, did you wanna help a black woman? Keel, you dumbass. Go back, go back, go back. Go back more.

• 2:19:56Speaker 04

  It's on that crest.

• 2:19:57Kurt Metzger?

  You just heard what she said. She was talking about Keel.

• 2:19:59Speaker 04

  It's disrespectful.

• 2:20:00Kurt Metzger?

  She said, yeah, so already, so by the way, uh, uh, black women out there, I'm not telling you tales out of school. You know why black men prefer Asians and white broads? Because of this shit that this bitch is doing. And this bitch is a halfie. I promise you, this fucking red bone is causing the problems for you.

• 2:20:18Kurt Metzger?

  What do you, is everybody from fucking, uh?

• 2:20:21Speaker 04

  My mom's a red bone.

• 2:20:23Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, let me tell you why American mixed kids are considered hot, because they are much hotter. You ever see British ones? Not, don't come out good.

• 2:20:32Speaker 04

  Oh, the mixed, the mixed race, British?

• 2:20:34Kurt Metzger?

  Well, why is it in America they come out good? Anybody know? It's the fucking Native American gene. You need a little spice, a little sprinkle of Cherokee and shit. You can't just do some Irishman to some pure African. You get all these goofy actors that are ugly as fuck now. You need a little sprinkle of American Indian.

• 2:20:54Speaker 04

  You need a little like spice?

• 2:20:57Kurt Metzger?

  It's like the thing that makes it work. So let's say you have, I don't know if you've seen some of these Marvel movies, but they find these British. It's like you're black, but you're a freckle plus two. It's gross, dude. And, uh, no American Indian. That's why. You need a little sprinkle. The genetic makeup of Americans, American black is different. It's not the same as what they got in Europe.

• 2:21:18Speaker 04

  Because you need Native Americans to mix in.

• 2:21:20Kurt Metzger?

  You could say black in England, but it ain't, it ain't, I would just call it black. Like the standard set of black is America. Because it's a mix of European and a little bit of Native.

• 2:21:32Speaker 04

  Oh, that's right, because Native Americans were here too. See, I. So we had to fuck on them too.

• 2:21:36Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, luckily we got rid of them, like pesky Palestinians, but this.

• 2:21:40Speaker 04

  They're, they're a Walmart.

• 2:21:42Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 2:21:43Speaker 04

  A lot of them are in Walmart.

• 2:21:44Kurt Metzger?

  Where they belong, where they belong.

• 2:21:45Speaker 04

  I think you would like some of my diet diets, uh, because like I have blood smoothies of different ethnicity people and it tastes very delicious.

• 2:21:55Kurt Metzger?

  You know who you remind me of? The guy who's, they call him the Epstein of Canada. Uh, Nygaard. And, uh, you see, uh, Nygaard? Wait, wait, let's, let's finish this up.

• 2:22:04Speaker 04

  Ny what?

• 2:22:04Kurt Metzger?

  Let's finish this. Let's finish a killer.

• 2:22:06Speaker 04

  Whoa, what did you just say? Ny what?

• 2:22:09Kurt Metzger?

  No, it's like a N Y G A A R D or something.

• 2:22:15Kurt Metzger?

  You're old enough to know that's a real name. Wait, wait, let's play this bitch's thing because we're getting off topic. Go ahead. Successful half of a comedy duo that was prolific in the twenty teens. Bitch, I bet you fuck white guys. You know, I think their, their code names could be Locke and Banana. Great job. And. Great job. That's why you don't let wokeness in. Use his name. They're gonna spread your business. To carry you to the forefront of pop culture. And so we came up with a pitch. We practiced it. It was like so good. I mean, like not only is there a keynote presentation, but there are videos. We, we get one of the people pitching with us to go on Piers Morgan and force him to say the tagline from the show unwittingly.

• 2:23:00Kurt Metzger?

  We are selling the show all over town.

• 2:23:04Kurt Metzger?

  Um, and you know, we get a few offers, which is like a feeling that like is unlike any other where you're like, we are wanted. Like it's coming together. I should have had you felt for it this morning. During the pitch process.

• 2:23:16Speaker 04

  You know, I know, I know I said I was mad, but we should make her explode.

• 2:23:20Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, honest to God, explaining the gap in my resume. Bitch, you're a comedian and you're talking about your resume, explaining the gap like a goddamn normie fucking bitch. What are you talking about? Well, I first became aware of her back when, uh, Hillary lost the twenty sixteen election.

• 2:23:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, quit worrying about your wage gap and start worrying about your thigh gap.

• 2:23:42Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, now that's funny. I, I approve of that. Thigh gap is where it's at. Looksmaxing is for women. I don't know why, how.

• 2:23:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, why are dudes doing the looksmaxing?

• 2:23:51Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, and both straight and gay men agree. The only important part of a woman is her outer appearance. Women agree. And that's why it's okay to trans kids, because the most important thing is to be pretty or handsome. It's called the ultimate black pill, and that black pill is HRT. Okay. So let's have, okay, so she goes, get up to where he's got a bitchy wife. That's a poem. Sorry. I know I said I don't like slam poems, but. Like unknown, which is probably a book collector, I think, but hey, I'm riding high. So I answer the call. And it is from. Did you bust it down? Banana's wife. And Banana's wife says, hey, I just had, I just had dinner with Locke and his wife. They say they're doing a show with you. And I said, yeah.

• 2:24:35Speaker 04

  And I again, don't know how she got my phone number. So this seems urgent. And she says something that like chills go down my back.

• 2:24:42Kurt Metzger?

  What's that?

• 2:24:43Speaker 04

  I never eat the burrito spoiler alert. She says, I'm just calling you because I wish someone would have warned me.

• 2:24:51Kurt Metzger?

  What? Warned what?

• 2:24:53Speaker 04

  She does about an hour of a monologue at me about how, you know, she thinks that his wife is like Phil Hartman's wife.

• 2:25:03Speaker 04

  That she wouldn't trust her to hold a baby. That she once poured alcohol on her birthday cake and this person is sober.

• 2:25:14Speaker 04

  And the thing that I'm, listen, I moved to LA for this job. I'm not a woo woo person, but this woo woo.

• 2:25:20Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. So anyway, his wife's a bitch.

• 2:25:21Speaker 04

  To kill?

• 2:25:22Kurt Metzger?

  Maybe, yo, it could be that Get Out was not about Chelsea as I assumed.

• 2:25:26Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 2:25:27Kurt Metzger?

  But in fact about Keel's wife.

• 2:25:29Speaker 04

  Is this his ex vibe or current vibe?

• 2:25:32Kurt Metzger?

  His current wife.

• 2:25:33Speaker 04

  Really?

• 2:25:33Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 2:25:34Speaker 04

  Current wife?

• 2:25:34Kurt Metzger?

  And I, I imagine now, I mean, she, they're probably, uh, uh, Keel's probably got the bitch's grandpa's brain in his head.

• 2:25:42Speaker 04

  So you're, you're saying that you think that they could have maybe even ended?

• 2:25:46Kurt Metzger?

  Chelsea's a huge bitch and I've never seen any, and by the way, very talented. I will never take away. I think Chelsea's very funny when you put her in acting roles on things like Crawl Show. I always loved. She's great on that. She's a bitch. Every, so when she went at Joey, uh, uh, what's his head? You know, because he said somebody's blown for stage time. She said, how dare you?

• 2:26:05Speaker 04

  Joey Diaz?

• 2:26:06Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, I promise you a chick blowing Joey Diaz for stage time had a better time than a woman hanging out with Chelsea Peretti in a friend setting. I promise you, I, cause I've seen it up close. I watch these girls come back crying from hanging out with a mean rich girl. These are rich kids. They're mean. We've all seen Saltburn, I guess, right? So this is a rich kid, this bitch. They all like to play with their stupid fucking identity because they're all pussies, because they're rich kids. Right? So this rich kid is talking shit on the other, well, she's not rich enough to know not to do this. Clearly. Do you know what I mean? Like this, this, this dippy, that bitch Akila, she sued some guy for making fun of her, uh, crying when Hillary lost in 2016.

• 2:26:50Speaker 04

  Sued?

• 2:26:51Kurt Metzger?

  And she lost.

• 2:26:54Kurt Metzger?

  Put Akila Hughes, uh, lawsuit.

• 2:26:56Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, I mean, how, how do you expect to win just because you, you're, you're crying and somebody's making fun of you?

• 2:27:00Kurt Metzger?

  Because if you recall about 12 years ago, uh, the identity being the most important thing in the world meant that you could just blather, even if you're like from bourgeois motherfucking parents, you could go, I'm a disadvantaged blah blah and I should get a comedy writing job. So weak men, who I'm going to say Keel is obviously because you heard the story she told, right? And Keel invited her into his circle like a serpent. So all these dumb motherfuckers that let stupid fucking wokeness in their circle, they're fucked. They're fucked. They gotta say shit they're told. They gotta do whatever. Hey, remember Patton Oswalt had to apologize for being in a picture with Dave Chappelle?

• 2:27:41Speaker 04

  He did?

• 2:27:42Kurt Metzger?

  You didn't see that?

• 2:27:43Speaker 04

  It's Dave Chappelle. We have different explore fields.

• 2:27:47Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I'm glad you vampires are here. Uh, Patton Oswalt apologized. Now let's, and let's look at his, yeah, for Dave, how many apologies did he make?

• 2:28:00Speaker 04

  I mean, you gotta get a picture with Dave.

• 2:28:01Kurt Metzger?

  We need the image though, because it's, it's Patton Oswalt writing the apology.

• 2:28:09Kurt Metzger?

  There he is. Look at, look at, look at.

• 2:28:10Speaker 04

  What?

• 2:28:11Kurt Metzger?

  You don't remember this?

• 2:28:12Speaker 04

  I forgot about this one.

• 2:28:14Kurt Metzger?

  He's a fellow comedian, the funniest I met, but he has to apologize to all the trans, not Transylvanians. But people that were mad about Chappelle making whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

• 2:28:28Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, so why would he be doing that? Does anybody have any idea why he would do that? Because that guy used to fight against other people with free speech shit. Now he, well, I imagine he probably wants his daughter to get a job in Hollywood eventually. Is my guess. That's all I got.

• 2:28:40Speaker 04

  But he's powerful enough to get his daughter a job in Hollywood.

• 2:28:44Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. Well, no such thing as fuck you money, only fuck you poverty. There's only fuck you poverty. How much money you gotta have to be like, fuck you. I took a picture of my friend. So that girl, she's the kind of person that would help enforce bullshit like that. In a heartbeat.

• 2:28:59Speaker 04

  Right.

• 2:29:00Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, if you bring some broad in, you're like, but I want to help a black woman for once. And you're a dude, you're dumb motherfucker. You should bring, uh, a white man in because they will have to do what you say in the Hollywood pyramid. You bring a black woman up in you, they're going to take your shit from you and fuck you. That's what's going to happen. And I'm speaking from direct experience.

• 2:29:20Kurt Metzger?

  As a black woman.

• 2:29:22Speaker 04

  I saw your hair.

• 2:29:23Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 2:29:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:29:25Kurt Metzger?

  Thank you. I'm glad that you're.

• 2:29:26Speaker 04

  Very nice.

• 2:29:27Kurt Metzger?

  I'm glad you saw my, uh, uh, Rachel Dolezal hair. You know Rachel Dolezal?

• 2:29:31Speaker 04

  Yes, I remember the ones that identify as black. Yes, I recall.

• 2:29:35Kurt Metzger?

  And she put in the work. She kinked up her hair. She ran a chapter of the NAACP. She gave birth to like three black kids. You tell me she didn't put the work in?

• 2:29:43Speaker 04

  Gave me three dollars.

• 2:29:44Kurt Metzger?

  She did more work than this bitch did. This bitch just betrayed a black man and his shitty wife. I mean, she was right. The guy.

• 2:29:49Speaker 04

  Her OnlyFans is gross.

• 2:29:52Kurt Metzger?

  I could tell.

• 2:29:52Speaker 04

  You subscribe to Rachel Dolezal's OnlyFans? She's black. Really? You gotta support the niggas. You gotta support black business. What'd you say?

• 2:30:01Kurt Metzger?

  We support all trans here.

• 2:30:02Speaker 04

  Business. Oh, black, oh, okay.

• 2:30:06Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, look at, but I mean, honestly, she looks way better black.

• 2:30:09Speaker 04

  She does. She actually.

• 2:30:10Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, look at her as not black. Would you, yo, not black her.

• 2:30:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, she looked better. Yeah, she looked better black.

• 2:30:15Kurt Metzger?

  And I'm not being prejudiced.

• 2:30:17Speaker 04

  I mean, I agree and I usually like things very white.

• 2:30:20Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you're vampire. I mean, she's got, but she's not a vampire. So that's gross.

• 2:30:23Speaker 04

  Do other women like that? Like to see if they look better black?

• 2:30:25Kurt Metzger?

  I'm not a fan of Dr. Seuss hair myself.

• 2:30:27Speaker 04

  Oh, yes. Like do, do Emma Watson. Let's see, would she look like black? Oh, yes. You can do this with a lot of ladies.

• 2:30:33Kurt Metzger?

  Emma Watson married herself. You remember that?

• 2:30:34Speaker 04

  She did? The fucking, the, the.

• 2:30:37Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, dude, what's with chicks?

• 2:30:38Speaker 04

  Harry Potter bitch?

• 2:30:39Kurt Metzger?

  By the way, I'm surprised that Akila chick hasn't married herself yet. All, here's what becomes all these broads that were ruined by Sex and the City. They have a wedding ceremony where they marry themselves.

• 2:30:48Speaker 04

  Dennis Rodman married himself. Remember that?

• 2:30:50Kurt Metzger?

  He, they stole it from a man. It's an idea a man had.

• 2:30:53Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 2:30:54Kurt Metzger?

  And of course they gotta steal because you know.

• 2:30:56Speaker 04

  Dennis Rodman. So.

• 2:30:58Kurt Metzger?

  So, so look, so look at why these women, we see why these women marry themselves. Let's, let's, let's see. And, um, I, I, I like Tivane to just.

• 2:31:07Speaker 04

  Salogamy. I like that.

• 2:31:08Kurt Metzger?

  The fuck? Okay. Salogamy. So that's incel. Well, that's celibate is what it is.

• 2:31:14Speaker 04

  Right, right, right, right.

• 2:31:15Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. Get that advertisement out here so that Tivane can read this beautiful. Okay, go ahead. Wait, read that one.

• 2:31:23Speaker 04

  Can you, there, there we go. Brittany Rist walked down the aisle in a dress and a white veil to the song Girl. Girl, perfectly her, broken and hurt, crooned artist S M Y L in a falsetto. Shake off the night and don't hide your face.

• 2:31:43Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 2:31:43Speaker 04

  It was Rist's wedding, but there was no beaming partner waiting at the altar.

• 2:31:49Kurt Metzger?

  What was there?

• 2:31:50Speaker 04

  Wearing of rose colored dress, the 34 year old read her vows alone in front of a mirror in her backyard. She'd accepted her own proposal and given herself a ring instead of a spouse. A red velvet cake awaited her next to a bottle of champagne. Rist said, I do to herself and committed to loving herself for better verse. I vow to never settle or abandon myself in a romantic partnership ever again, she told her reflection in Samia. I vow to honor my calling and live life as a work of art.

• 2:32:22Kurt Metzger?

  That's a chick that's going to end up being exploded in a vampire, uh, pig roast.

• 2:32:26Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:32:27Kurt Metzger?

  That, I mean, tell me, tell me you, these are not the kind of broads that you guys were fucking hundreds of years ago that would explode.

• 2:32:33Speaker 04

  Uh, well, we tried to make them explode because they were hideous. Yeah.

• 2:32:38Kurt Metzger?

  Well, the one married.

• 2:32:39Speaker 04

  Especially the, the, the third one.

• 2:32:40Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, what a beautiful thing to marry yourself like one of those worms that reproduce hermaphroditically.

• 2:32:46Speaker 04

  Oh yeah. A water bear.

• 2:32:48Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, this, oh.

• 2:32:49Speaker 04

  So Kep, I hate to be the vampire to do this, but I literally have to fly away.

• 2:32:56Kurt Metzger?

  Where are you going? Oh, you gotta leave town.

• 2:32:58Speaker 04

  I have to.

• 2:32:59Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, well, you fucked Duncan up. I'll tell you that.

• 2:33:02Speaker 04

  Yes, I did.

• 2:33:06Kurt Metzger?

  Duncan's diabetes did the heavy lifting. Don't take the blame on yourself. Now you're promoting something. I said, I let you promote it. I'm glad I got these friends back together.

• 2:33:14Speaker 04

  Yes, I'm a big comedy fan, you know? And, uh, there's a new special out called Crazy Pizza, Jeremiah Watkins Crazy Pizza, out now on YouTube.

• 2:33:24Kurt Metzger?

  Hmm. That's a very suspicious title.

• 2:33:26Speaker 04

  Yes. And, and I mean, look into it. Look into it in the special. Is there a hidden meaning in there? We don't know. You have to watch it. Comment something like, there's a mystery boys were looking into this special, Crazy Pizza by Jeremiah Watkins.

• 2:33:42Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:33:43Speaker 04

  On YouTube because who knows about the hidden meanings inside? The set is an actual nineties pizza parlor. What is going on for that?

• 2:33:51Kurt Metzger?

  That is very suspicious.

• 2:33:52Speaker 04

  Mystery Boys explore.

• 2:33:54Kurt Metzger?

  Oh no, I'll be exploring because you remember Macaulay Culkin had a band that was pizza based and they only sang about pizza.

• 2:34:00Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 2:34:02Kurt Metzger?

  It's called the Pizza, what, what, what is Macaulay Culkin's pizza based band?

• 2:34:09Kurt Metzger?

  Do you know this? Mac, Mac, great spelling of Mac.

• 2:34:13Speaker 04

  McCoy Culkin?

• 2:34:15Kurt Metzger?

  Boy, I liked it. Everybody took a good call.

• 2:34:17Speaker 04

  The Pizza Underground.

• 2:34:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, the Pizza Underground.

• 2:34:20Speaker 04

  Not to be confused with Crazy Pizza's comedy special.

• 2:34:23Kurt Metzger?

  Well, maybe we haven't, we haven't.

• 2:34:25Speaker 04

  Well, he might have to debunk it. Who knows?

• 2:34:27Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. Let's see. Well, just let's hear a little bit of it. He doesn't copyright, right?

• 2:34:32Speaker 04

  But I literally have to fly.

• 2:34:34Kurt Metzger?

  All right, brother. Well.

• 2:34:37Speaker 04

  Well. Bloody people need to get in on another day, my arch nemesis. Vampire crime will continue to go on if the white star is still around. And as long as the black bis is around. What? What? I, what? I can't, you called me the white star. I can't call you the black abyss?

• 2:34:58Kurt Metzger?

  What's, oh, abyss. I thought he said bitch too.

• 2:35:01Speaker 04

  Yeah. I'm not calling you a, I'm not calling, I'm not calling you a black bitch through your face. I'm calling you the black abyss.

• 2:35:10Kurt Metzger?

  But he's.

• 2:35:11Speaker 04

  Damn homie. I would never do you like that.

• 2:35:14Kurt Metzger?

  I, I, I'm honestly not, not convinced you guys are enemies. I'm going to be honest, but.

• 2:35:17Speaker 04

  No, no, no. We hate, we hate each other. Can't stand it.

• 2:35:20Kurt Metzger?

  It sounds like Keel and his wife.

• 2:35:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:35:26Kurt Metzger?

  We hate each other, but she'll put a hole in his taint, you know?

• 2:35:31Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:35:47Kurt Metzger?

  You saw how he flew off? Yeah, it's gross. It was all gay. Dude, that's gross as hell. Alright, man. Well, I'm about to go kill him.

• 2:35:59Kurt Metzger?

  Well, uh, that's, uh, mystery boys. Duncan's dead.

• 2:36:50Duncan Trussell?

  Well, this has been Buster. Happy Halloween, kids, and be safe out there.

• 2:36:57Kurt Metzger?

  Get the fuck out of here, man.

• 2:36:59Duncan Trussell?

  No, no, no, you're stomping on my dick. Why don't you pick me back up? No, please, Kurt. Please don't execute me. Ah!

• 2:37:09Kurt Metzger?

  Shut up!

• 2:37:11Kurt Metzger?

  Shut your mouth!

• 2:37:12Duncan Trussell?

  I just want to tell a story!

• 2:37:15Kurt Metzger?

  Tell it to my gun! Do I tell the story now? Get it, tell the story now!

• 2:37:27Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. You know what Buster likes. You know what it's like. Get that little donut hole. You know I like my ass eaten. Oh, yeah, eat that ass.

• 2:37:45Kurt Metzger?

  You got about three seconds to tell me the truth, motherfucker.

• 2:37:48Duncan Trussell?

  You gotta shake me when I talk.

• 2:37:49Kurt Metzger?

  Cause it's Halloween, and I've been hallucinating on nitrous all night.

• 2:37:53Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:37:54Kurt Metzger?

  I am whacked out of my fucking head. Now where's Duncan?

• 2:37:57Duncan Trussell?

  Giddy up, Orsi. Time to ride. Time to ride a little Halloween ride. I'm the head of the world.

• 2:38:02Kurt Metzger?

  Whoa, what the fuck's going on?

• 2:38:06Kurt Metzger?

  It's a fucked up Halloween, man.

• 2:39:26Kurt Metzger?

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