How far is too far for Halloween?

Let's not mess about... We're obviously talking about Heidi Klum - because when it comes to halloween she LOVES it. Plus, Harry Styles got 'hypnotised' but it didn't go to plan and Lime bike jousting on Clapham Common. Yes please. My Therapist Ghosted Me is a Global Production. Join My Therapist Ghosted Me PLUS, now! Want ad-free listening on Global Player? Click here https://mytherapistghostedmeplus.com/! You can also watch ad free on YouTube! Click here https://www.youtube.com/@mtgmpod to visit our page and hit the join button for ad free episodes! Tickets for Joanne's tour Pinotphile are now LIVE: www.joannemcnally.com http://www.joannemcnally.com/ If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com http://www.mytherapistghostedme.com/ This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  This is a Global Production.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  Harry Styles said he was doing hypnotherapy via Zoom. Said he was asleep for hours, missed an appointment and woke up feeling disorientated to find loads of missed calls.

• 0:16Speaker 02

  I did it once for a thing that I won't go into. I enjoyed it, it should be a nice cup of tea. I had a nap and then went on with my self-sabotage.

• 0:39Speaker 03

  We need to start doing comment of the week for the podcast.

• 0:45Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a good idea.

• 0:46Speaker 03

  Because people can leave comments on YouTube and there's other players that you can leave comments on. And this week, somebody left a comment on one of the YouTube videos saying, "I'm dressing up for gay Halloween as Vogue's fairy non-bio pods."

• 1:02Speaker 02

  That is really funny.

• 1:04Speaker 03

  It's too good.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  That is really funny.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  I just don't have a brain for that.

• 1:11Speaker 03

  That was from Kim.

• 1:13Speaker 02

  I find that stuff really funny.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Kim, we're doing comment of the week and you win.

• 1:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, you do.

• 1:18Speaker 02

  Oh, are we on?

• 1:19Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, we're on, mate.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Sorry, Martha Stewart dressed up as the housing crisis. Did you see that? Sorry, sorry. Martha Stewart, imagine getting in trouble like that at 85 years old. Did you see her first statement that she released?

• 1:35Speaker 02

  She's only out of prison. You'd think she'd be keeping the head down and she goes and dresses as a homeless person.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  Listen to, please listen to her first statement. Who is doing her PR? She goes, "I was intending to bring more awareness to the very serious subject of homelessness."

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Of course, Martha.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  "I'm distressed that my Halloween costume, which was intended to bring more awareness to the very serious problem, has offended people, which was never my intention." Really? Really, Martha?

• 2:06Speaker 02

  You're raising awareness, are you? On Halloween, smiling on your doorstep with dirt on your face. Good one, Martha. It's the fact that she, it's the fact that she signed, I don't know why I thought it was so funny that she signed it. She just went, "Martha." It's like, we know, we know. People who go out on their own before they, before they talk to their publicists are morons. Morons. I was an ex-publicist myself, Vogue, I don't know.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, it's, I'm like, not, that's just a really dumb costume. There's a few costumes. I saw somebody dressed up as something really bad one year and it wasn't funny. And like, he was going around, I can't even say what, I can't, I can't actually. Well, he was going around with the costume and everyone was just like.

• 2:49Speaker 02

  He was going around. Where was he going?

• 2:52Speaker 01

  I can't, I can't, I couldn't say what it is because it's so bad.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  You have.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  Like, it just.

• 2:57Speaker 02

  You have to tell us now.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  You're gonna have to, you have to beep it out. He was dressed up as Jimmy Savile and he had a doll.

• 3:06Speaker 03

  Oh, no. That's enough now. Good God.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  And it's like, how, who told you that was funny? Who?

• 3:17Speaker 02

  I know what you're saying, some people go too far with it.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  I was looking at people, right, and you have all these like, girls, and then in fairness to them, it's, you can dress however you want at Halloween, if that's a sexy Playboy bunny, all that kind of stuff, that is fine. And someone sent me this picture of this girl and she looked absolutely stunning, but she's just broken up with her partner. And she was like, you'd know she's broken up with her partner. And then I was like, thinking to myself, you'd know I'm married with the state of my costume. I looked, it wasn't even a good costume. Did you see what I dressed up as? A clown.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  I think.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  I was only.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  I actually don't think I did see it.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  A clown with red hair. I just blocked someone else today. Add that to the list. I'm 799 people in there.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  Hold on now, let me have a look at you dressed as a clown. As a professional clown myself, I do think I am in a position to judge.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  I dressed up as Joanne for Halloween.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Oh, that's cute.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  I know, but every year.

• 4:20Speaker 02

  No, you're certainly married, for sure. There's not, there's not an inch of thirst trap off that. My God, that is dry, dry, dry.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  I was.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Where, Jesus, your beep beep days are long gone, aren't they, Vogue? There isn't even a beep.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  The beep, I'll have to bring the beep beep back. It's getting bad. It's because Spencer has told me many times, he's like, "I've never fancied you more, darling." Not in the clown suit, obviously, he didn't tell me that, but he keeps saying that. So I'm just like, I've got free reign to just be as ugly as I want to be now because he's like, "Never, darling, never, I've never fancied you this much, darling." So now I'm like, oh, well, I don't have to make any effort, whatever.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  I've always kind of understood that the narrative was that marriage is, well, obviously you know I'm very bitter and cynical and all that jazz, but that they, that known, like, that after a while, they're like, like a boiled ham, you just don't want to touch them. So it's nice that he fancies you more.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Well, I was only thinking, I, I do think that, and then I was in the gym today and Spenny was walking towards me up the stairs and I was like, God, I really fancy him. And I was like, isn't that nice that like, we're married eight years. I looked at him and I was like, God, I really, really fancy him. I know.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  I'm just delighted for you, Vogue, well done.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Maybe, maybe.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Good for you.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Maybe I'm, maybe I'm due my period or something and that makes you fancy people, does it? I don't know.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Well, it actually does. When you're due, when you have your period, you swing your hips more and you're, and you give off more fertile form, pheromones.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Jesus, if my, if my gait gets any wider, I'll be doing the splits. I'm gonna hold that shit in. Spenny, why are you walking like that? I'm just letting off some pheromones, if you don't mind.

• 6:07Speaker 02

  You'll be banging the kids out of the way and all. There was someone else that dressed up as something insane that I wanted to talk about, but sure, I've forgotten it now because.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Heidi Klum, the queen of Halloween.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  Am I allowed to say it's too, am I allowed to say it was too much?

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Of course it's too much. It's too much every year that she does it. Do you know how much effort she puts into that? She starts planning a year in advance. Who plans it? Like, I thought I was brilliant doing my Christmas shopping.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  Sorry, you do.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Excuse me, a couple of months I do my Christmas bits, right? I've never had so much abuse last week when I was at home buying my new Christmas glasses and I was buying my Christmas table linens and Amber and Spencer are sneering at me. Yet the two of them are standing there, they're gonna enjoy my Christmas without even offering to lift a finger. And I thought, you know what? You can sit on the outdoor table and I'm not gonna dress it and see how you feel about my linens.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  I say this with love.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  This, this is gonna be mean, go on. Do you want linens or not? Do you want linens or do you want paper plates? Which one do you want?

• 7:09Speaker 02

  I say this with love, I say this with love. Do you know when you say something that's about to set up that you're like, you're about to say something really cruel? Like, do you know when someone goes, I'm not being bad, but I, we might have to put a ban on your Christmas chat, considering it's lit, it's not even November yet.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Okay, okay, well, do you know what? Fine.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  You brought it up the last couple of pods and it's, we've a long way to go and I know you're, I know you're a whore for Christmas, but we might have to put a little limit on it.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  One thing, right?

• 7:35Speaker 02

  And then one day we'll let you off. Me and Joe will just leave the mics on, we'll go off, have a pint and you can just, you can just, you can just, all your Christmas intel and info and your linens and your, and your settings and everything. What do you reckon?

• 7:46Speaker 01

  Okay, cool. If I'm not allowed to talk about Christmas, I don't want to know where your next show is, right? I don't want to know about the next, the next tour, okay? I get Christmas.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  Neither do I, to be honest, at this stage. I just want to fucking lie down. Rick, Rick's bringing me, he's like, we're putting on more shows. And I'm like, Rick, it's the middle of the night in Philadelphia. Stop calling me. Leave me alone, I want to die.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  At least he's showing interest, at least he's showing interest. You can sleep when you're dead. Exactly.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's the way it's going.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Last, last Christmas thing and I'll give up.

• 8:17Speaker 02

  It's an honour to be working, it's an honour to be working, it's an honour to be working.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  And it's, it's an honour to be around for Christmas again this year. So last thing, I've finally bit the bullet. I always go around and I look at people's Christmas lights and I think, I want Christmas lights for my house. Oh my God, she's still doing it. I'm getting, I'm, that's my last thing.

• 8:34Speaker 03

  In fairness, this is her last thing.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  It's big news, I'm getting Christmas lights for my house. I've never had them for my house. I'm gonna wrap the house in Christmas lights.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  Joe, cut all that out. Now, what I will say.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Back to Halloween, back to Halloween.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna say where it is, but me and Vogue have been booked to turn on the Christmas lights somewhere.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Are we allowed to say that now?

• 8:57Speaker 02

  Well, I'm not saying where it is.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  Fine, okay.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  I'm not saying where it is.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Sunderland, it's in Sunderland.

• 9:07Speaker 02

  I've had a couple of DMs about that.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Sunderland is far away from London, by the way, because Spenny went up there recently, as I told you. It's far, far away. You have to get like a train to Newcastle and then you have to drive from Newcastle to Sunderland.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  So I'm planting the seed, I'm saying, Vogue and I have been booked to turn on the Christmas lights somewhere interesting and exciting. And we're gonna hold hands and we're gonna wear matching outfits.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  And we're gonna kiss at the end, like Madonna and Britney.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  And we've insisted, and we've insisted that we both have our own switch, because we like everything to be equal.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  We have to go on the count of three.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  One of the switches is live.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  Only one of you will actually be doing it, but they won't tell you who actually did it.

• 9:50Speaker 02

  Like the lads who inject people on death row.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  You just told me to stop talking about Christmas and you're talking about Christmas.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  Do you know the lads who inject people on death row and they, apparently they don't know who actually does the injection? They all kind of, there's a couple of dud syringes.

• 10:03Speaker 03

  That's what I was thinking about.

• 10:05Speaker 02

  No one will know who actually did it, but the lights will be on and we'll be thrilled with ourselves.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Do they do that on death row?

• 10:10Speaker 02

  And then I'm gonna snort egg noggle off your back for the papers.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  Sorry, can I just say something, by the way? You just told me to stop talking about Christmas. What's the first thing you bring up after I said, "Let's go back to Halloween"? Christmas. God, she can't get enough of it, she's obsessed.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  I was announcing our new, our new collab.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  I was doing a job today and they were like, we were talking.

• 10:33Speaker 02

  I'm in the John Lewis ad.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Imagine I was in the, Vogue, you'd be fucking fuming if I got booked for the John Lewis ad, wouldn't you?

• 10:41Speaker 01

  No, I'd be fuming if he got booked for the Marks and Spencer ad. I'd be like, what's that bitch? Get her off my turf.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  They love you, they're not mad about me now, to be honest.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  They do love you, you're just not.

• 10:55Speaker 02

  We've gone our separate ways.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  I think I gave their carrot home sticks one star on Yelp at one point or something. Anyway, I burnt my bridges there.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  Do you know, it was so funny. So I'm in Philadelphia, right? And I got this DM from this shop. And the DM was really nice. It was like, hey, we heard you're coming to Philadelphia. We had, like, here's our shop. We'd love to invite you in. We'd love to look after you. If you give us your sizes, we'll like line up some stuff for you. And we'll give you like a private dressing room. And we think you'd really like our stuff. And I was like, oh, my God. My, it's so, I feel so important. I'm gonna like, they're gonna shut the store. And I'm gonna be like gifted loads of gorgeous bits. Which I was thrilled about because obviously I've been wearing the same clothes for six weeks now. And I want to set fire to every single item of clothing. Like, I can't bear the sight of anything anymore.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  So I go in and genuinely, like, I don't know what I thought was gonna happen. It felt like I was being invited in to be gifted some nice bits. That's what it felt like. That was what it read like.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  And I went in, and I went in. And then when I got in, I was like, what's the, the, the, I, I, I, do you know when you're kind of, you're invited in, but nothing's really said? And you don't really know what the rules are or what they're kind of? That happened to me before once I was invited in. And then they just showed me around and I walked out and that was the end of it. And I was like, I don't, I didn't really need a tour of your shop. I don't understand. Anyway, it was one of those kind of situations. So I was kind of cautious. And I said to one of the guys working, I said, what's, so what's happening here? Like, why, why am I here? And he said, look, he's gonna give you a really good deal on the clothes and some merch. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. That's, that's still a great, that's still a great deal.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  I picked up a couple of bits. The clothes were deadly. And I went to the till and say it was like $400, $450. He goes, $450? I said, thanks. He goes, I'll give it to you for $400.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  I want you to have to tag and post?

• 13:10Speaker 02

  No, no. And then, and I went, oh, okay. And he goes, and I'm throwing in a pair of socks. One, one single pair of socks.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  I'd say you need the socks, though. You need the socks.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  I thought I was going in for like a red carpet.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  I thought I was gonna come out suited and booted. Do you know what I mean? I was like, things are really moving for me over here, you know? $50 off and a pair of socks. We're not, it's like-

• 13:38Speaker 01

  We're not, we're not there yet.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  We're not, we're certainly not there yet. But I couldn't, I couldn't go back. Like, I couldn't, I, I was too proud to put the clothes back. It is confusing. And I know we probably sound like spoiled bastards. But when, when sometimes like there is, like, there's nice perks to the job. And some of the perks are, you do get invited into nice places. And you do get sent bits and bobs. And like, you also get offered bits that you don't want and all, you know? And then you collab and it's all a bit of a bartering system.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  But it is really, it's very funny when you misunderstand completely what's going on.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  You're like invited in and you think you're on a jolly. And then you're hit with the, they're hit with the bill and you're like, sure. Do you remember when you, it was the same thing?

• 14:23Speaker 01

  I know what you're gonna say.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Do you know what? It's actually, it's important, it's important humbling work. That's what I would say, what they're doing.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  That's what, do you know what? When people ask you, how do you stay humble? You're like, well, you're humbled all the time. You have to be. We have to realise, sometimes we might get a notion where we're like, hang on a minute. Sorry, excuse me. And then you're like, oh, hang on a second. Get off your fucking high horse. You're kicked off the chair and you're like, there you go, back to where I belong.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  I was gonna say, and I actually, I was gonna use this as an example of being humble, but it wasn't. I did a show to 100 people in Philly on, on Halloween night. And do you know what? Because I was, it was, it was probably the smallest show of the tour.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  And I did three shows in Philly. All, all, like, I cannot say enough about this town. I fucking love it here. But anyway, the Halloween show obviously wasn't selling because it's Halloween. And Americans, wow, they love it. I saw, like, everyone's dressed up. There was a woman walking her dog dressed up. There was people jogging dressed up. Like, it's wild. They love it. I've never, it's like pumpkin soup over here. So it kind of made sense that the sales were a little low. And I was speaking, so Dan Vetrano, who was opening the show for me. I was like, well, I go out and kind of address the fact that it's a small room. And he was like, it's not that small. And I was like, yeah, I guess it's not.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  I suppose it's like you're whatever, you know, you're, it's different city. Because I was gonna go out and be like, listen, I know what you're thinking.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Here. He's like, no, because they don't know. I was like, yeah, you're right. It was one of the most fun shows I've had on the whole tour. It was gorgeous. Like, honestly, the smaller, the better. That's my, that's my take on it now. Give me five people in Boston, genuinely.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  So she's cancelling the three arenas. She doesn't want to do them anymore. So if anyone is looking for their tickets back, you can actually catch her in Doran's Pub instead. No, Wheelance, she's gonna go to Wheelance.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  I'm gonna go with, no, no, no. I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do just face to face, me and 10 people at a time in the three arena car park.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Good idea. Or you could always come back to Spenny's Parents' House. You know, they'll have you back anytime if you want to do that dinner party.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  I'm actually triggered by you even saying that.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Listen, let's go back to Halloween. I haven't finished the Halloween chat. I-

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry.

• 16:42Speaker 01

  Love Halloween. Ireland is turning into America with Halloween. You want to see everyone's-

• 16:48Speaker 02

  We invented it.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Oh, we did, we did, actually, Jo.

• 16:52Speaker 02

  Jo, you, we did. Sorry, Jo, every, every year we tell you that Ireland invented Halloween. And every year you look at me with that scrunched up confused little face.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  And that's, I'm just so used to having to fact check things that it's just, it's reflexive for me to think I'd better check that.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  You don't need to fact check that one.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  You know, we don't like fact, but genuinely, this is genuinely true. Fact check it there.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Well-

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Why are we fact checking it? We do it every year. No, don't fact check it. You're not taking that from us as well. Halloween is our shit.

• 17:22Speaker 03

  It's Irish in its origins. There you go, over 2,000 years ago. All right, fair play. Yeah, fair play.

• 17:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're welcome.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're welcome, world.

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Thank you, thank you.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  You're welcome, Jo.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  You want to see the decorations in the houses in Ireland? And I told you this last year. Like, when you go around the loot that you get, I have to take, so the kids have those little pumpkin, pumpkin buckets. And so Otto was doing his first round. Well, and then I have a huge bag on my shoulder because they get so much stuff. Like, people make up these sandwich bags and you get crisps, you get a sweet and you get a chocolate in them. And I can't, like, it's amazing. Real good sweets as well, like Moems and, and dairy. Like, I had a hazelnut swirl from a roses box. I was thrilled.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  That's good quality.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  Unbelievable.

• 18:09Speaker 02

  Otto trick or treating. I just have this image of him pointing a broken beer bottle at someone's face, kind of threatening.

• 18:16Speaker 01

  He didn't, he's been to, he's been inside everyone's house in Hote.

• 18:22Speaker 02

  Has he? He's just, he's just barging in, is he?

• 18:24Speaker 01

  He just barged in and then went up, went up the door, kind of forgot about the trick or treat. Just barged into every house. And I was like, Otto, come back out, come back out. You're not allowed to be in someone's house. Absolutely, I couldn't believe his luck. And he was the only one of him, Gigi and TT. Gigi and TT copped on a little bit. So they were like hanging back a bit and shoving loads of sweets in their gob. Because I'd only let them have two or three things when we're trick or treating. Poor little Otto, I had to keep asking for stuff. I felt like saying, would you ever just go and sneak some stuff? Come on. Because I let him have two packets of little mini Smarties. And then he went psycho. So I had to stop. Then he was only allowed to have crisps. But he loved it. Gigi got a little bit, a little bit greedy at Halloween.

• 19:08Speaker 01

  She wouldn't put her stuff in the communal bag, which I understood. We had to get her own plastic bag that she insisted on carrying around, which probably weighed about four kilos by the end of it. And she lugged that thing around. She was not letting go of that bag. And she just kept all the sweets. She is, she just kept them all.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  She's a CEO.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  My friends caught her with-

• 19:30Speaker 02

  Whatever hap, firstly, costume wise, whatever happened to a bin bag and a sparkler? Have I, have I, have I asked that question already?

• 19:36Speaker 01

  My mum was an air hostess, don't know if you know. So she used to go to Americas and she used to get us really good costumes. So we always had a good costume going around.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  We had those awful, do you remember those? What are they, they're like, what are they made of? Those masks with the string on the back, they're like-

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, yeah, we had them as well, yeah.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Ugh, awful. But we were just bin bags and, and sparklers. And, and the houses, some houses would give you peanuts and you were like, wow.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  They got some peanuts on this road. And I was like, oh, my gosh. Gigi was like, what are these? I was like, they're monkey nuts.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  They're taking the piss.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  Okay, so some of the costumes that were my favourite. Obviously, we had Heidi Klum, who dressed up as a severed hand. Now, she puts so much effort into it. It took her six hours to get into the costume itself. Six hours. I mean, it looked unbelievable. But somebody said it would have cost around $50,000. Like, I mean, what's she go-

• 20:31Speaker 02

  What?

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a bit like the ghost. Well, like, what's she gonna do with that after? She's hardly gonna throw it out. She'd have to do something with it. Couldn't just throw that out, it's $50,000.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  She must have like a museum somewhere of all the mad shit she's worn over the years. The way Celine does with her clothes. Do you know the way they all have, they all have storage units in the desert? And they go out on, and they drive around on segways and choose outfits. That's what I've seen. Well, I saw it in Hox. So I'm assuming they all do that.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  I'd say, she's definitely not throwing them away because she spends a whole year planning this stuff. It took her six hours to get into it. She does all this 3D body scan, scanning. She gets moulds and silicone work done. There's actual mechanical engineers that have to create certain rigging with her, with her. Like, she goes all out. But you're right, she probably does keep them in storage. And to everyone who keeps sending me, I keep getting sent Kardashian closet stuff now. They're like, oh, look, Cece's hard at work. Do you remember we were talking about them?

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Oh, Cece's at it again.

• 21:37Speaker 04

  I'm Benedict Townsend.

• 21:38Speaker 05

  And I'm Hannah Townsend. You're brother and sister. No, John Bishop, we're married.

• 21:43Speaker 06

  It'd be interesting if you got divorced, but then had to carry on doing the same job.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  It would be, Theo James, but while we're still together, we'll carry on delivering you all the best film and TV chat.

• 21:52Speaker 05

  On our podcast, Talk of the Townsend's.

• 21:54Speaker 04

  The show that will help solve your paralysis of what to watch next.

• 21:57Speaker 05

  From the latest betrayal on The Traitors to the film everyone's talking about, we've got it all covered.

• 22:02Speaker 04

  So basically, it's just us talking about what we watched on telly.

• 22:04Speaker 05

  It's not that. It's much broader than that. Thank you, Bryan Cranston.

• 22:07Speaker 04

  Yes, we also talk to some very exciting people from the world of film and television and tackle the questions that really matter.

• 22:14Speaker 05

  Which actor has never been in a bad movie?

• 22:16Speaker 04

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• 22:17Speaker 05

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• 22:20Speaker 04

  So subscribe to Talk of the Townsend's right now. You can watch or listen for free on Global Player, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  Did you see Kim Kardashian dressed up as her daughter, North?

• 22:34Speaker 02

  I did. Sorry, come here. So North Kardashian West, is that her name?

• 22:41Speaker 01

  Northwest.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  Northwest. Now, I am in, I am not like, this isn't a judgment, she says, about to judge.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  But what age is she?

• 22:54Speaker 01

  I know. I think she's only like 13.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Am I allowed to say?

• 23:00Speaker 01

  You're allowed to have an opinion on anything you want. No, I'm not allowed to listen to it.

• 23:04Speaker 02

  Because I, well, I suppose that's, yeah. What is going on there? As in, she's getting tattoos now and all, like, are we, I mean, do I sound, I hate to sound like a, like a conservative Christian trad wife.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  I think kind of everybody.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Is she not a bit young for like the studs and the tats and all? No? Joe? You've got a daughter.

• 23:28Speaker 03

  No, you're not drawing me on this. Absolutely fucking not. No, no, no opinions.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  Is it not a bit nuts? No? Like, I'm, like, where's she going?

• 23:37Speaker 01

  I don't think I would adore Gigi to be dressing like that. I don't think, I don't think I'd love it. But like, but saying that.

• 23:47Speaker 02

  If I had a daughter, and I will at some stage.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  Clothes out with me, I was sneaking clothes out with me though, when I was, like, the less I could wear, the better. I was absolutely thrilled with myself to be going out wearing no clothes. And my parents would think that I was going out in a tracksuit and then I'd have these like skirts that were like belts that I just used to wear because I loved it. But.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  We all did that. You had your slag bag ready to go. We all had the slag bag. But she's like, and I'm not obviously saying she's a slag, that was a separate conversation. So completely separate conversation. But I just mean, like, if you're that, I, I think if I was as famous as Kim Kardashian and I had a daughter, I think I would be going the opposite with her. She seems to have a lot of freedom in, like, my own, do you know what I always think of? And I, and again, I know, I never want to be mean, but Amanda Bynes, I always think of Amanda Bynes when I think of young people who get, young celebrities, right?

• 24:46Speaker 02

  They, it, it never seems to go well. There's the odd success, Lindsay Lohan pulled it back. She managed to kind of repair. And now she's back and she looks great and she's, you know, she's back working and all that jazz. Ariana, Ariana Grande seems to have done a good job of like, these young Disney peeps. I just would, like, it's none of my business, but we talk shit in a podcast and I just look at the Northwest stuff and I'm like, where the fuck is this going? Do you know what I mean?

• 25:15Speaker 01

  I know, I know. I think, I think Cora sits at like age 11, 12 is a bit, is a bit full on. I just, I hope that like, I'd love to, I don't know, it's about, like, not that you're trying to control your child, but like, I do agree with you. I, you want your child to be a child, a child for as long as they can be. Like.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  She's on stage, she's, she's performing and all. I don't know. Wouldn't, wouldn't be how I would do it. But then again, I don't have a child, but I will next year when I buy one out of a tube.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  Well, I'm glad that I'm not having to get pregnant for you. So that is, I've got next year off now, Joe.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Sorry, folks. Sorry, you are the tube. You are the tube.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Okay, fine. Okay.

• 25:55Speaker 02

  Joe, you're the downer. Did you know that?

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Oh, fab. Well, we may as well keep it all within the business.

• 26:01Speaker 02

  She doesn't need to know.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Keep it all within the three of us. Why not?

• 26:04Speaker 02

  Keep it between us. Yeah.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Imagine we had a ghosted baby together.

• 26:07Speaker 02

  That'd be cute, wouldn't it? And it never arrived.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  I don't feel like I'm getting much out of that, that, that whole thing, though. Joe doesn't have to do much work. Joanne, you have to do fuck all. And then I have to do all the work? Why do I have to do all the work?

• 26:19Speaker 02

  I have to raise it.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Oh, like you're not going to be dropping it off around here. Come on. For God's sake.

• 26:26Speaker 02

  Listen, it's something to be discussed.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  Did you see Maya Jama, your good friend? Did you see her Halloween costume?

• 26:34Speaker 02

  Dressed as Mo Farah. Do you know what?

• 26:36Speaker 01

  She won.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  It's so funny because I was, I was, I've been away for what feels like 28 years now and I missed The Traitors kind of finale round, like reunion thing, which I was very disappointed to miss. And I missed Maya's Halloween party, which I was very disappointed to miss. But then, we were, but it's so, because, because, do you know what I think it is? If you're super hot, Halloween is a fun opportunity to just be ugly and fun.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:07Speaker 02

  Hide your cleam. Maya, so when I, when she, because she told me she was going as Mo Farah and I, I obviously was like, this is going to be hilarious. And when I saw the photos, it's actually even better than I, that I even imagine.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  She got his medals and everything. He lent her his medals.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  Oh, I didn't know that.

• 27:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, she lent it.

• 27:24Speaker 02

  I'm not connected.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  I mean, well, if Maya Jama's going to dress up as she is, it's, it's like, it's a, it's a nice thing to have happen to you. And she really went for it. But I agree with you. She's probably sick of looking so hot all the time. She's just so hot. She must be like, God, I just want to be ugly for a day.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  I know, I know. Yeah. Imagine that was your biggest issue.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  I know. Lily Allen dressed up as her ticket sales.

• 27:51Speaker 02

  I saw that. That was very funny.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. And, and Harry Styles even got in on the action and he dressed up as what he wore when he auditioned for One Direction.

• 28:03Speaker 02

  Did he?

• 28:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. Did you hear that weird story Harry Styles said?

• 28:08Speaker 02

  Oh, go on. I've been, I've no, I've no idea what's going on in the world. I'm completely in my own bubble at the moment. Tell me.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  So have you ever done hypnotherapy? I mean, I have for the vaping. And I think that you want to be able to give something up. But like, I was interrupted by the kids and stuff like that. So I don't feel like I went into a really big trance with it. But loads of people swear by it.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  You were hypnotized with your kids in the room?

• 28:32Speaker 01

  No, they just kept barging in. There's, there's no privacy.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Oh, no, no, no.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  In our new house, locks. We've got a lot of locks. So anyway, Harry Styles said he was doing hypnotherapy via Zoom. Because his hypnotherapist, he has a, of course, he has a hypnotherapist based in London and he was really hypnotized. And then the wifi dropped and the Zoom call disconnected. And so his hypnotherapist supposedly tried to ring him back, but he didn't answer. And he said he was asleep for hours, missed an appointment and woke up feeling disoriented to find loads of missed calls. But I don't know. Is he sure he didn't just fall asleep?

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Is it not a bit of a sways now?

• 29:13Speaker 01

  I don't really know. I, I feel like Harry fell asleep. I don't feel like he was hypnotized for hours and hours and nobody could call him back. I think he just fell asleep.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  I did it once for a thing that I won't go into, but I did it once for something and I fell asleep for sure. The whole thing was very odd and incredibly expensive. And then I woke up and just continued doing what I had been doing, what I was going there to be hypnotized not to do. I, I had a nap, which was nice, but it was an expensive nap is what I would say. It was an expensive nap with a, with a nice person. They were very nice. I enjoyed it. It should be a nice cup of tea. I had a nap and then went on with my self sabotage.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  I, I feel.

• 30:02Speaker 02

  Could even have been worse, to be honest, than when I went in.

• 30:04Speaker 01

  I feel like it can work for some people with smoking and stuff like that, but I just, I just don't know. Like, I've done that shit. I did past life regression and all stuff like that, like.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  What?

• 30:14Speaker 01

  And they're like, yeah, for a TV show now. I don't know where I found this person, but like.

• 30:18Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:20Speaker 01

  They were asking stuff like, and I was like, I don't really see it. Do you see any soldiers? And I'm like, I think you're trying to put stuff into my mind.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  That's a load of horseshit. I'm sorry now.

• 30:30Speaker 03

  What do you think you were in a past life?

• 30:35Speaker 01

  I just, I was very regal, regal.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  I'd say, do you know who I'd like to think I was?

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Don't say Joan of Arc or something like that.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not into activism.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  Go on, who were you?

• 30:47Speaker 02

  I'd like to think I was the baker who started the fire of London.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  I knew it would, I knew it would have to be something really significant. I knew it would. Could you not just say you used to be a, you used to, you used to own a pub down in Cork or something like that? You had to be a baker. Who started.

• 31:01Speaker 02

  Sorry, I don't know if you've noticed, I'm a stand up comedian. Like, I, I, I enjoy, you know, making an impact on things and I'd like to have started the fire of London.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Probably maybe the, the captain of the Titanic.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  I would want to be the captain of the Titanic. Fucking hell. You don't want that job.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  I wouldn't have gone down with the ship. I can tell you that much.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  I wouldn't have gone down with the ship. I would have been like your man on the Concordia. I'd be the first one off. Bye.

• 31:28Speaker 02

  Down the inflatable slide. Off she goes.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  What am I going to do to help? There's nothing to sail anymore. It's gone. Straight off. Oh, are we not going to talk, are we not going to talk about Selma Blair? That slipped, it slipped through the net and it just feels like a very us conversation to have. Selma Blair is an actress. Was she in Clueless or The Craft or something like that? What was she in? She was in movies that we all used to read.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  She was in Legally Blonde was the, where she kind of arrived onto our psyche. Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  So a few weeks ago, she became violent and disoriented on a plane. You know, any of those stories? So basically she like, she punched a flight attendant, tried to open the, the aircraft door. And here's the worst thing. She bit someone. You don't, you stop biting when you get to primary school. You don't bite anymore after nursery.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Selma does have a history of nibbling on people. This isn't the first time she's nibbled.

• 32:25Speaker 03

  Is that, can we legally level that?

• 32:27Speaker 02

  Google it, Joe.

• 32:28Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. She's like, jaws has nothing on her. She's always snapping it away at people.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  First nibble. No, hold on, let me get it up because I did actually look at this earlier. Can you get up the nibbling history, Joe?

• 32:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, apparently she has nibbled on a few people in, in both, in violent and playful situations. Sometimes she does it as a sort of friendly thing.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  A friendly, oh, yeah, a friendly bite. When was the last time you were bitten? Have you been bitten? It is one of the most painful things to have happen to you. One of my mates bit me in a session and I cried.

• 33:00Speaker 02

  I haven't been touched. I haven't been touched in years. I would love someone to take a chunk out of my arm at this point.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  You wouldn't like a bite, I'm telling you. As someone who has been bitten many times, and once in my adult life by an adult, only once in my adult life by an adult, by somebody who thought he was being funny and he wasn't being funny and it was at a party and I cried and it ruined the party amongst other things.

• 33:24Speaker 02

  Comedy is very, comedy is very subjective.

• 33:29Speaker 02

  On the Delta flight, Blair allegedly bit a crew member. Her lawyer says she was having a medical emergency and became severely disorientated after missing several doses of medication and hitting her head on the flight. She later apologised to those she hurt or frightened and said her lawyers had advised. The celebrity bites, she, oh yeah, in her memoir, Mean Baby, she said she used to bite people when she felt overwhelmed socially. God forbid she take a fucking Valium. Oh, and she said, sorry, it says here, she once bit Sienna Miller and Kate Moss and Kate Moss bit her back.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  I'd bite her back. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to bite back if someone bites you. So if anyone bites you, if you meet her in a fight, I think I'd forgive her once, but you can't forgive her for all those times. It's just, she's taken it too far. Like, what's she doing, throwing punches and trying to open the aircraft door? I'd have an absolute meltdown if someone was trying to do that.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Only because she's a celebrity, she didn't get sellotaped to her seat, but like, that's a very much a sellotaping to the seat situation. And I don't know, in what, in what world does any sane, normal person, like, I, we, I've spoken about meds and on meds and all that. There's never been a point where I've, no, I don't know what she's on, where I've tried to hack open the airplane door, do you know what I mean? Like, that's, that's wild behaviour. Like, that's like, ah, that's very, very serious behaviour. And it's weird that the biting is getting more attention than the fact that she tried to open the airplane door in the middle of a flight.

• 35:03Speaker 01

  I don't think you can actually open the door in a, in the middle of a flight. I actually think that that's why the biting is worse, because if you're gonna be-

• 35:10Speaker 02

  You can!

• 35:11Speaker 01

  I don't know, listen, I'm very, I'm a very nervous flyer now. Anya's not even cutting it for me anymore. I'm flying tomorrow for my first time at Remy on my own. I'm like a nervous wreck. I can't bear it. It's just when we go up, I don't know why we don't go up faster. I'm going back to Dublin just for a day.

• 35:25Speaker 02

  I thought you were coming to support me. I'm at the recording of my Netflix special.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Okay.

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• 36:34Speaker 01

  There were a few things I swore I wouldn't do when I became a parent. Number one-

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Can I guess?

• 36:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is a fun game. Guess.

• 36:43Speaker 02

  As a parent, okay, so you're-

• 36:46Speaker 01

  Okay, it's nothing, it's nothing really important. Like, don't, don't think it's something like to do with education or anything like that. It's not.

• 36:53Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  Joe, you're a parent. Like, you can't think of one thing between yous.

• 36:58Speaker 03

  Are you letting people borrow your children?

• 37:01Speaker 02

  Are you firing me as a godparent?

• 37:03Speaker 01

  No. No!

• 37:05Speaker 02

  Did you remember that I had that job?

• 37:07Speaker 01

  It's not, yes, I did remember. And I'm really happy that you have that job, actually.

• 37:11Speaker 02

  Fine.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  I said I only wanted wooden toys. I didn't want any plastic shite in my house.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 37:17Speaker 01

  That was number one.

• 37:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:19Speaker 01

  No plastic shite. And then all of a sudden, you think of those little wooden pears, you're like, I'll just get loads of wooden pears and wooden apples and nice little wooden bits. And then all of a sudden, you've got all this, a sea of plastic comes into your house. It's, you can't stop it. It's just one of those things.

• 37:34Speaker 02

  That's it!

• 37:35Speaker 01

  No, there's three things.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  I thought this was gonna be something like, I don't know, like teeth and mandarin or something.

• 37:42Speaker 01

  No, I'm getting to the big bits. I'm getting to the big bits. I swore I wouldn't shame myself, my family and my friends by getting a push scooter. I have two. I have a black one and I have a white one. Depending on what I'm wearing that day, I will match the scooter to what I'm wearing. Third of all,

• 37:58Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  I swore I wouldn't get one of those bikes. You know, one of the bikes.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Oh, you got a tandem family wheelbarrow bike?

• 38:06Speaker 01

  One of the turn bikes. You know, the ones with all the-

• 38:08Speaker 02

  With the wheelbarrow in the front and he-

• 38:10Speaker 01

  No, no, I didn't, because you can't skip the traffic.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  You test the traffic with your children.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Not a fold-out bike. Not the, not the fold-out bike we said you'd never get.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  Here's Remy.

• 38:22Speaker 02

  Ah. Oh.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  It's okay.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  Hi, Remy.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  Joe, stop scaring him. Jesus. God.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  I'm scaring him. I've now mascara on. I'm like, I'm bald in the eyes.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  You know the bikes I'm talking about? The bikes where you put all the kids on the back. It's a special one. It's a turn bike. Look, T E R N. Look it up.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  I have a Google because-

• 38:49Speaker 01

  And, and there's a basket for Bertie at the front. So Bertie's at the front, the kids go at the back. Well, I live, I don't live beside the school anymore now, so I've gotten that so I can drop the kids to school. And it's electric. And Joanne, I can take you into Global on it, on the back.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  When I did my, do you remember I had my little holiday in Amsterdam on the barge?

• 39:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Remember that?

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Just got stoned and ate Doritos for seven days.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  Culture.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  Culture. Yeah, growth, healing.

• 39:19Speaker 01

  Fangirl museum, whatever.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  I was like, Aunt Frank, dear Grant, I have my day planned.

• 39:32Speaker 02

  But there was loads of those, those, like, they're, they're obviously cycling, like, cycling's huge in Amsterdam, but they had all those bikes where they put the kids on the front of the bike, which I think is a little dangerous. I feel like you're kind of, you're testing the traffic out of the front. But I think those bikes are stunning. And also, a friend of mine, Helen, who lived in Amsterdam and she moved back to Dublin and she brought the bike back with her, and she loves it. And they're very popular now and you're doing your bit for the environment and good for you, Greta. But I didn't get, what a sidecar on for me.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  No, I have the thing at the back so you can still skip the traffic because the whole point of having a bike is so that you're not stuck in traffic. So you can go along because those ones with the bucket at the front, you have to stay in the traffic. And I'm not joking. You can sit, I could take the both of you on the back. Two people can go on the back.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  I'd hate that.

• 40:21Speaker 01

  You're coming in, we're going in. We're getting content on the way into Global.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Holding hands with our, with our helmets on.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  That's the taxi back from the Christmas party sorted.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  Will you tell me what, what this thing that you sent to the group was, speaking about bikes? The lads who did the Lime Bike jousting, I didn't see that. What was that?

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Oh, it was so funny. So there was an article, it was in the Daily Mail, that these, they're, it's, it's actually in Clapham, so obviously I'm very clued in because I am Lady Lambeth, so I'm very across what's happening in my local area.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  You're not Lady Lambeth anymore. I'm Lady Lambeth now. I've moved.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  Don't you dare.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  I'll be the Duke of Lambeth. Let's be honest, I'm the more bloke you want. Lord, no, it's the Lord and the Lady. I'll be the Lord of the Lambeth.

• 41:07Speaker 02

  You could be the town crier.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  Tell me about the jousting. Where was this? I wanna go and watch.

• 41:12Speaker 02

  It's so, it's so funny. Do you know the way, like, we're, like, sometimes the internet is awful and sometimes we're just, people are so funny and I appreciate it. There's this jousting event that happens in London in the, in Clapham Common, where they go on Lime, where they joust each other on Lime, they're on Lime Bikes. It's just ridiculous, like, like, just funny shit, do you know what I mean? Like, there's no point to it. People get really involved. They all go and they watch.

• 41:38Speaker 01

  So, right, they go in full night gear. They do K and I, so the first one, right, they successfully joust it on Halloween and they're gonna host a second event because five, more than 5,000 people were SVP'd within a day. 5,000 people are showing up to this jousting.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  They wear full medieval chain, chain mail and joust each other using rented Lime electric bikes. It's really funny. It makes me miss Clapham.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  And they give themselves, they give themselves knight names as well. So one of the guys, I think it might be one of the guy who, he's an actor who was involved in it. He jousts as Cam Tholmew the First.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  So they raised over a grand for charity as well. It's a, it's a, I don't know how happy Lime Bike are with it, but like, this is good for us.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  They'd be delighted. They must be delighted.

• 42:36Speaker 01

  You know those videos of the Lime Bikes as well? Like, where you see them on, like, all these people crashing their Lime Bikes in London, because they literally, you get a fully charged one, it literally takes off with you on it. You're like, Jesus.

• 42:49Speaker 02

  Apparently A and E call it Lime Leg because people are getting on them pissed. Because it's funny, because if you're, like, a cyclist who was, like, kinda going in and out of work, you've got a helmet, like, you know, you're sober, you're, like, being careful and safe and you know the rules. And then you have, like, just kinda pissed young ones hopping on these things, which are motorised, like, they've no helmet, they've nothing on them and they're just, and they're all crashing into buses. And, I mean, actually, it is, I mean, I hate to sound like a 43-year-old, but it's quite dangerous, actually. Anyway, the jousting thing really, really tickled me.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  It's a heavy bike. Now, I will, I will, I will take you on the back of my, I'll, I'll be the sober driver for our Christmas, our, our Christmas party. What are we doing for the Christmas party? I'm not going to, I'm not going to Lady Lambeth's house. Well, Joe, I'll go to Lady Lambeth's house if you go.

• 43:36Speaker 02

  You need to stop talking about this night.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  It's where I roofied you or something. We'd like 12 drinks. I did a Pilates class the next morning. I was spinning by 10am. You're, you're still, like, it's outrageous. You're such a lightweight. You need to work on that for 2027.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  12 drinks is a lot of drinks.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  It is. We will be going to Lady Lambert's house because we're doing a couple of extra episodes in this series so that we don't go on a break like we did last year. Go on a break and then come back for two weeks and then go on another break. So we will be doing episodes all the way up to Christmas. There will be a Wednesday episode will come out on the 23rd of December. So we'll do that like a Christmas party. We'll probably open the champagne for that one, I'd imagine.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  I have, I have a whole, I have a massive bottle of champagne that someone got me. What are they called? The big ones?

• 44:28Speaker 02

  Oh, like the Formula One size.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:30Speaker 03

  A Magnum.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  A Magnum. I have a Magnum downstairs. Yes.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  Do you remember the story, whether it was true or not, I don't know, but who cares? But there was a woman, a young girl, who was, it was her first waitress job and a table ordered a bottle of champagne. And she opened it and like, kind of, like, do you know the way you hold your thumb over it? And she like splashed it in all their faces because she thought, she'd only ever seen that. It being done. I mean, do you never see that story going around? It's really funny. She sprayed it, like, she shook it, sprayed it in all their faces because she'd only ever seen. That was the only way she'd ever seen it being delivered as such.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  Sorry, can I also just say, can I just say, I am, like, I only have

• 45:14Speaker 02

  five shows left.

• 45:16Speaker 01

  And when are you coming back to us? We miss you. We do.

• 45:19Speaker 02

  I have two Boston, then I have obviously the two Netflix records on Saturday. And then I go, I have a show in Toronto. And then I'm, and then I'm, I'm back. I'm home.

• 45:29Speaker 01

  Oh my God, stunning.

• 45:30Speaker 02

  Eight weeks, done and dusted. Time flies. Actually, it doesn't. It's been really hard.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  Time flies when you're not having fun.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, time. I've had a ball, but it has been tough. I wouldn't do it on my own again. I don't think I'd do it on my own again.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  No way. I wouldn't even last, imagine me even trying to last a week on my own. Will we finish on one last story that I wanted to tell you?

• 45:52Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 45:53Speaker 01

  I have important news for people organising their Christmas parties. Okay?

• 45:59Speaker 02

  Vogue, you're not, are you taking the piss?

• 46:04Speaker 01

  I'm just, I'm just warning you. There has been 4.450 million pounds of cocaine seized.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  Oh, in the cheese. In the cheese. I was, I was thinking, okay, there was a criminal gang, obviously, and they're trying to.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  So the party is off.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  I swear to God, Vogue, if it's not Christmas, it's cocaine, you.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  I honestly, because I don't know how, you saw, Michaela McCollum, when she tried to get it in through the bun. I can't believe she didn't get it in when she had it in her hair bun. Now, these lads, right?

• 46:45Speaker 02

  Sorry, sorry, Vogue, sorry to interrupt you there. And I know there's, like, this is difficult because I'm in a studio.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  Was it not in her bun?

• 46:51Speaker 02

  I have to fact check you there now. And you know, I'm not, I'm not always across, like, I'm not really, it wasn't in the bun. The bun was just the bun. It was under a Penny's Pashmina in a suitcase, just fact checked.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  She missed a trick. If it had been in the bun, it would have gotten through. Okay?

• 47:10Speaker 02

  Do you remember the Halloween after that happened? And the people were dressed, I never forget, someone dressed their kid up as Michaela McCollum with the huge, like, the huge big bun. And it was so funny.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  Well, these lads, I was thinking that this was a really good way to get, to get it in. Obviously not because they got caught. 450 million pounds as well, right? They were trying to sneak cocaine in to, to Britain in large wheels of gouda or gouda. What would you call it? I call it gouda. Gouda cheese?

• 47:39Speaker 03

  Gouda, I think. Gouda cheese.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  Gouda.

• 47:42Speaker 02

  I would say Baby Bell are fuming. Like, what a missed opportunity, peor wise, do you know what I mean? Like, if it's going to come in, in a cheese, you'd want it to be your cheese, no?

• 47:54Speaker 01

  I'm not quite sure they would want that really attached.

• 47:57Speaker 02

  All publicity is good publicity, Vogue. I'm an ex-publicist. I know how this shit works.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  I am, do you know what? I am, I, I have to say, it did the opposite for me. I wasn't ever really a fan of gouda anyway, but now I'm really not a fan of gouda. But anyway, they didn't get in. They got caught. 450 million quid, gone.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  What a waste. Do you know what? It was actually, after one of the shows in Philly the other night, there was two women who'd flown in from Bermuda to come and see the show. So they messaged me to say they'd flown in from Bermuda. So obviously I was like, well, obviously, like, let's, like, have a drink and do whatever. So met with them and they were talking about kind of the tax. So Bermuda's obviously kind of like tax free, essentially, I think.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  Isn't that where everyone hides their money? Oh no, that's the Cayman Islands.

• 48:41Speaker 02

  Caymans, I think.

• 48:42Speaker 03

  There's a few options, I think.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  Under the mattress. But anyway, they were talking about that you, the way they make their money back is they tax you on shit that you've bought in other countries that you're bringing in. So like, say jewellery, diamonds, things like that. So a woman got engaged, so a woman, a woman and a man got engaged. They live in Bermuda. The man wanted to know what the legalities of the ring were because they got engaged outside of Bermuda. So he emailed the revenue in Bermuda or whatever and was like, and they're like, no, yeah, you have to pay tax on it. So he basically flagged with his full name and everything that he was coming back with an engagement ring. And the wife, of course, was going, you absolute thick, why did you say it to them? So she stuck it on a tampon and put it up herself.

• 49:27Speaker 02

  So when she landed, they were brought into the little offices and patted down. They're like, where's the ring? And they're like, oh, I don't know what she said. I don't know. They called up the engagement, whatever. And yeah, she, she brought it in on a tampon inside herself. I said, that woman's a genius.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 49:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, happily ever after.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  Well, you know, in Australia, when you're coming back from Australia, someone said to me that you get your tax back on the clothes. So I was like, God, this is amazing because I went shopping in Australia. And I brought all the receipts and they were like, no, you have to bring the actual stuff so we can see. So I got nothing back.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  What?

• 50:02Speaker 01

  You have to bring the actual, which made sense then when I, when I thought about it. But anyway, everyone, thanks for listening. Be careful of gouda.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  And remember, you can subscribe to My Therapist Goes To Me Plus on YouTube and Global Player. Just go to the show pages and follow the join links for ad free listening and a newsletter.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  It's a proud.