Lady Lambeth

Something has happened.... It's something that we've all been waiting for and it's definitely for the best that it's happened. BUT WHAT IS IT?! Suffice to say that both Joanne and Vogue are equally pleased. There's a lot to discuss, with Vogue's research on psilocybin and Joanne's latest house challenge... My Therapist Ghosted Me is a Global Production. Tickets for Joanne's tour Pinotphile are now LIVE: www.joannemcnally.com http://www.joannemcnally.com/ If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com http://www.mytherapistghostedme.com/ This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  You're a mother.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  I'm a mo- I'm a mo- mother.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  You're a MILF.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you.

• 0:09Speaker 00

  Are we allowed or are we not allowed to talk about it?

• 0:11Speaker 01

  What do you want to say about it? Go on, say it. She is trying to make me unrelatable again, Joe. I won't have it.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  No.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Not when she, well, not when she sits on this plot of land.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome home.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome home to you.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  How are you feeling?

• 0:30Speaker 00

  I feel great. I really do. How do you feel?

• 0:32Speaker 01

  I feel shite, but I'm really happy to be here.

• 0:35Speaker 00

  Well, enough about you. I have huge news.

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  It's MAGA.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  You're doing another three arena.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  No, that's not the news.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  I know. I'm waiting for you to just tell me you're not because I'm waiting to decide which date I'm going with all my friends and I need seven tickets.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  You'll get your seven tickets. You know you will. You'll milk me dry. I won't have an ounce of milk left in the tush. You should just put on the third arena for your family and friends and hoes.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  I think that you should. I can fill it for you. What is it? Nine thousand people? I'll fill that.

• 1:07Speaker 00

  I think you would.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  Easy.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Just with your aunts.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  And they'd all love, it'd be your favourite show.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  It actually would.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  There'd be a turn.

• 1:14Speaker 00

  Okay, Gina. I'm bringing them up on stage and it'll be great crack. Um, big news.

• 1:21Speaker 01

  Bigger than the three arena?

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Bigger than the three.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  Okay, go on.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  They collected my bins.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Now I have to say I'm not surprised because I did get out of my car and I actually looked in the bins.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  I saw you.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  I watched you rummage. I said, she's not going to be able to help herself. She's going to lift the lid there. And I actually pulled it back in to the driveway because I was like, I don't want to ruin the big surprise, but you found the bin anyway and you rummaged.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  As soon as I got out, I was like, God, the, the, who was probably looking at me like, why is she looking in that person's bins?

• 1:50Speaker 00

  I saw you on the ring doorbell. I was watching you do it.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  I was so excited.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Who's that pregnant woman in the, oh, you're sad.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  It's only because my bins got collected today. I was coming up to gloat.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Imagine you brought your empty wheelie bin.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  I don't even have a wheelie bin.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Do you not?

• 2:10Speaker 01

  No, I have like bin bins, like, you know, like, like.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  Like Sesame Street, all school.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  That's exactly.

• 2:15Speaker 02

  No. Metal dustbin.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  No, it's not metal, it's black, but like Sesame Street, but black plastic. They're not my bins, they're my landlord's. Yeah, I know. I don't know why he doesn't have, because it's very small, the area at the front.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Oh, but it's not a size.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  I don't have acreage, like you at the front.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  I see what you're doing here. Oh, I see what you're doing.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  We're squeezed in.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  Do you know, then actually, do you know what I actually want, I actually want to talk to you about something that happened during the week that I was like, I don't know why I feel so weird about that. But before, it's about money, but before we get to that, I, yesterday, I was like, okay, it's, I've obviously had to go private with the bins, as you know.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  Oh, so is this a private collection?

• 2:54Speaker 00

  No, no, no, that was, this was a public collection. This was the lads.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Okay, the lads are, the lads are here.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  Free at the point of use.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Free at the point of use.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  How much money was on top of the bins?

• 3:03Speaker 00

  I know, yeah.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  How did you make friends? This is really.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  I have a, I have a hairline fracture in my arm from the amount of hand jobs I had to do this morning to get those fucking bins across the line. I am exhausted, so sorry if I don't have a lot of energy today.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  Fair fucking play to you. Who does hand jobs anymore?

• 3:17Speaker 00

  I do.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Do you?

• 3:19Speaker 00

  The lads wanted.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  My god.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  The lads wanted. It's what the lads wanted. It said, there's only one way. We're taking these bins. You know what to do.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  I don't think anyone.

• 3:28Speaker 00

  So I got on my knees and they went, no, just recycle properly, you fucking nut job.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Anyone over the age of 25 that's doing hand jobs, fair play to you. Joe, that's not you included, we know you're doing them.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  Do you not, do you not, do you not, do you think they are age, hand jobs are age specific?

• 3:44Speaker 01

  They were a very rare thing to do a handjob. I'd be in for other stuff before the handjob and Sven would prefer other stuff. And I just feel like they can do it better anyway, so.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  Yes. You're right. Why take the job from the person, you know what I mean? Who can do it better? You shouldn't be taking the job.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  He doesn't want a handjob.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  Just another white woman stealing employment from someone else. Let him wake himself up. He's better at it. It's his thing. Let him do it. You shouldn't, you're right. You're right. You are coming from a position of privilege and it's not fair.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Because it disappears under my hand. I told you that. It's massive.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  God, does he mind? Anyway, sorry. So yesterday, right?

• 4:17Speaker 01

  He doesn't see any of it. Thank God. He's not on Instagram anymore. So he doesn't see my new ride of the week.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Um, so yesterday I came in, I said, Joanne, it's time to woman up here now and get these, get this job across the line. So I, I chatted to Chat GPT for a little bit and then I was like, break this shit down for me. I gave it my postcode, my address. I said, what do I have to do? What goes in each bin? Break it down.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Does Chat GPT know all that?

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  What is it? Cause you're in La, you say Lambeth. Lambeth's massive, John.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  I know, but I wouldn't bother. I wouldn't bother.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  You've said, you've said you'd live in Clapham.

• 4:54Speaker 00

  Is Clapham, is Lambeth bigger than, is it? Is Clapham?

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Lambeth is like everywhere.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Fine.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  I don't know. I'm not from here. I live in England. That's all I know.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Don't say London. I live in the England area.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I live in England, County England. I don't know.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Warkhamshire.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Don't say Lambeth. She's practically given her postcode on this podcast.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  It's wild how little I know about this country, considering I've been here nearly five years. So anyway, last night I was like, right, I went in and I, when I say I was like Einstein trying to solve gravity, I was like, it was like, do you remember your man? Um, do you remember the film?

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Rain Man?

• 5:33Speaker 00

  No, with the math one.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Oh, with, with Russell Crowe?

• 5:36Speaker 00

  No.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  Apollo 13.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  Nope. That's not a ma, that's space.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  House sitter?

• 5:42Speaker 00

  House sitter.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  Yes, house sitter.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Marvel three, yes.

• 5:49Speaker 01

  What are the lads who do the?

• 5:51Speaker 00

  Well, good hunting.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Ah, yes, that's the one. Yeah, okay.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Remember he did the big sum on the board? That was me. And then I woke up this morning, I heard the truck coming. I told the window was open. And I got up and I watched from the bathroom window and he came over and he's like a genuine, he didn't, he looked, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He rustled. Like you, he rustled through. You could see him checking to see had I done a cracky.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Cause you've got a name for yourself.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  I've got a name for myself. In the Lambeth area.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  In the Lambeth area.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Apparently, that's where I live.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  She's just gonna start telling people she's from Lambeth now.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  I am, I, I, yeah, I, I am a great at Lambeth's, um, I don't know, it's about thirty-three, thirty-four. It's a long time ago now. Anyway, and I said, oh my God, oh my God, I was on the edge of my toilet seat, I can tell you. And then he, I was like, is he gonna do it? Is he gonna do it? And I, I could see, yeah, and then he, it was like slow-mo.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  How long did you spend to work on it?

• 6:42Speaker 00

  I could hear the national anthem of Lambeth playing as he just emptied the bin in, but he was, he was, he was looking for an excuse not to take it.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  Fair play. I like that they're so thorough.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Do, do you?

• 6:54Speaker 01

  I do, because I think people like you, people like you ruin, ruin recycling for the rest of the world. Why do you think we're in a heatwave? You, you and your bloody, dirty pots.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  It is, it's my, it's my yoga curtains. It's nothing to do with fossil fuels. It's me in the Lambeth area.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  It is, it is.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  It's me in the Lambeth area.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  I've started using coal again because it is you, it's not me.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's no point, yeah. So anyway, I, I, when I say it was, it was, it was great relief.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  Well, I'm really happy for you.

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  What has happened to me this week?

• 7:23Speaker 00

  I love that you actually checked on your way in.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  I know.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  And then Joanne, Joanne said to me, she accused me of being a mom. And I was like, oh my God, I didn't think you saw me like that. But then actually I did come and look at your pins.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Accused her.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  But you know what I mean? I don't wanna be like, oh, there's that ma.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  No, I know. You're not a ma.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  No, I'm wearing like tiger trousers. I'm not a ma.

• 7:46Speaker 00

  You're a mother.

• 7:47Speaker 01

  I'm a mu- I'm a mu- mother.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  You're a MILF.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  You're a yummy mummy. You're a delulu lemon.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  I appreciate that. Uh, so my week, what has been, oh my God, I got you a present.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Is it a Dyson Hoover?

• 7:58Speaker 01

  No.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  Is it a facial?

• 7:59Speaker 01

  You have a thousand Hoover's. Everywhere I look, there's a Hoover in the corner.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  I love Hoover, I love Hoovering.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Who, Joe, is that your coffee? Look how nice that looks.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  I, I did order large.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Thank you so much.

• 8:08Speaker 00

  If Joe was listening from Joe and the Juice, I did order large. I don't know why they're so small. Is it just because they're in your hand? Are they actually large?

• 8:15Speaker 01

  It's actually a full pint.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  It's a full pint, yeah.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  That's two litres.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  A full, do you know Amber tries to slag my hands? And I'm like, hang on a second, you're only five foot eight and you've got massive bloke hands and hers don't even look as feminine as mine.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  She's got a great body. Oh, her tits are massive right now. So our iced coffees have just arrived. I am hosting my tits off this morning. I have three people downstairs, three women.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  How's it taking six weeks now? This is the first coffee I've been offered.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  I have three women downstairs.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  And a dog.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  And a dog and a mouse. There's a mouse in the house.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Is there definitely a mouse?

• 8:48Speaker 00

  For Joe, madam, this morning.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  Really? A little mouse? Just one?

• 8:51Speaker 02

  Are you all right about mice?

• 8:52Speaker 01

  I don't mind mice at all, no.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  It's directly underneath you.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Oh, God. The poor little shit's probably nervous.

• 8:58Speaker 00

  I, I don't really care. I should. I thought he'd moved out. I did have a suspicion he was here.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  He does sound like he's sort of nibbling stuff, so he probably does have to go because otherwise your house might catch.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  Oh, God, I know, but it's not great.

• 9:10Speaker 02

  Wallboards, wires, we don't know.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  The problem is I wouldn't leave a poison because then he'll go somewhere and die. And then there's the stench of dead mouse. That's the worst.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  I, I'm sorry to say, I just did, I ordered a couple of traps.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Traps are better than poison because it's quick. It's, it's, it's just done.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Mum, I said to my mum, she was like, I was like, I think I have a mouse. She goes, don't tell anybody.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Why?

• 9:32Speaker 00

  She's like, people will judge you.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  No, you live in London. Everyone has a mouse.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Everyone, if you don't have a mouse, it's weird.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  If you don't have rats and mice in London, like, hello.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  I live alone. I wouldn't mind the company. I'll leave him there for a while.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  It's the nice, now I swear I hear it. It's the nice garden that you have.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  He sounds like he's typing down there, doesn't he?

• 9:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's doing.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  He sounds like he's typing.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  You could have a pet mouse. I was offered a gerbil for the summer. No, a hamster.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Is that the school? Do you remember when you were in school and they gave you the hamster for the summer?

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's somebody in the class's hamster that they're offering up. And I'm like, I don't, I'm just worried about taking the hamster in case then the kids want a hamster and I don't want a full-time hamster.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Do you do the hamster thing in Lambeth in County England?

• 10:11Speaker 02

  As in, I, I don't know if they still do it now in schools.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  I don't know if they do it now anymore.

• 10:15Speaker 02

  Probably not anymore.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  What do you mean, do what? Theodore or no, Otto, Otto has two bunnies, Fortnum, Fortnum and Mason.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  What, and they let them take them home?

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Well, I don't know what happens to the bunnies. And I don't take the bunnies. And they have turtles as well in the class.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  You mean in his class?

• 10:28Speaker 01

  In his class, yeah.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Wow. Oh, my God. Wow.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  They're nice bunnies, I have to say, actually.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  We had acorns and one hamster that I'm pretty sure died every three weeks and was replaced.

• 10:43Speaker 00

  Sorry, park all this animal chat. I'm basically running a zoo. I have a chihuahua downstairs and a mace under the...

• 10:48Speaker 01

  I hear the mace. I definitely hear the mace.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  He's typing. He's working down there. Leave him off. Leave him off. Come here. She's actually here to present for me.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So, in honour of not... No, I haven't got it yet. In honour of not ever being pregnant again, I had a body scan this weekend. Yeah?

• 11:09Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. Are you giving me your womb?

• 11:11Speaker 01

  Tits and all. I'm gonna give you... See that body over there? I'm gonna give you one of my pregnant bodies and you can have that forever.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  Hold on, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry. I was... Sorry. I was distracted by the noise here, man.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  I'm giving you a nude.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  Are you having your body painted?

• 11:30Speaker 01

  No, I'm sure you're...

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Are you having your body turned into a pot?

• 11:32Speaker 01

  No, my body is being turned into... Did I take a phone? I did take a phone. Look, I'll find it. She was a lovely girl.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  Who was that? Will you Google? Who was the... Was it Demi Moore or Demi Moore?

• 11:43Speaker 02

  That's exactly what I'm thinking.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  Oh, and she was front of Vogue or Cosmow or Where To You Guide?

• 11:48Speaker 01

  No, but wait. Velvet and Fox, they're in Ireland and they do a pregnancy sculpture. It's a sculpture.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  Are you going on the front of the Where To You Guide? Is that what you're doing?

• 11:57Speaker 01

  No, I'm just getting one for your house for you.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  I would...

• 11:59Speaker 01

  And you can be like, there's Vogue.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Is it gonna be actually you, though? Because...

• 12:03Speaker 01

  It's me. And I thought, I'll get two. What would you want?

• 12:06Speaker 00

  I'd honestly love that. Honestly. Jo, do you want one? Look.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  Well, it's good that you want it.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  I think Jo's wife might be a bit freaked out if he arrives home with a pregnancy statue of me.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  It's good that you want it because in a way, if you didn't, it's sort of like unsolicited nudes, isn't it? It's like...

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:23Speaker 02

  I didn't consent to you saying that.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  I honestly was getting it done and I thought to myself, Joanna, I'd like that.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  I actually would. Can I have a yellow one?

• 12:28Speaker 01

  You can have the... No, it has to be bronze, black or white. Maybe black?

• 12:35Speaker 00

  White. Sorry, I'm delighted for you that you're documenting your last pregnancy.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Look, this is the last one. I'm just making sure, like, this is the nail in the coffin. It's the last one. It's not me.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  You haven't really acknowledged the fact that I asked if you were going nude on the front of the Where To You Guide.

• 12:47Speaker 01

  As soon as they asked me to, I'm going full nude, yeah.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Just with a leaf over the front.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank you. Just you and the fair cities, fucking storylines down the side. I can't wait.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  I'm doing a Hello Mag shoot.

• 13:00Speaker 02

  I guess, like the TV Times, but for Ireland, I'm imagining, yeah.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  I'm doing the Hello Mag shoot and they've asked if I'll go on news.

• 13:05Speaker 00

  Are you doing Hello?

• 13:06Speaker 01

  No, I'm not, no. Why don't you do it? You're going to Wimbledon with them today, no?

• 13:09Speaker 00

  I don't think.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Are you going to Wimbledon?

• 13:11Speaker 00

  I'm going to Wimbledon today.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  And Harry Styles today?

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Harry Styles today.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  And who is, are you sure you're able for that?

• 13:16Speaker 00

  No, I'm not. I'm gonna have to come home after Wimbledon, have a little nap and then go back into Harry Styles. Cause I wanna see Shania as well. So it's gonna be a very early start for me.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  So who, who, who's going to all these things?

• 13:25Speaker 00

  So Sophie's coming to Wimbledon with me.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  And I'm going with Hello Mag, like we did before. And then.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Are you going into that nice area or no?

• 13:34Speaker 00

  Yes, going into the nice area. Yeah, yeah. I'm a posh bitch now. I'm posh. Don't tell them about the mouse.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Where are the bins?

• 13:42Speaker 00

  I'm at where the bins.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Don't tell them about the mouse at the bins.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  That's why I have a mouse, Jo.

• 13:47Speaker 02

  Because they haven't collected your bins.

• 13:49Speaker 00

  Cause they wouldn't collect the bins.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  It's not your fault.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  It's, it's never cardboard bins. It's nothing to do with the mouse.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Oh, it's full of food.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  It's your garden. You never close your door. It's your garden. You're gonna have birds in here as well soon.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  I saw a girl and there was a pigeon in her house when she woke up because she'd left the windows open because it was too hot.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  I'd love a pigeon. Do you remember I came back from the States and the two pigeons were riding out the back on the, in the old apartment? And your man, I don't even need they were there because the, the male pigeon starts clapping after he comes.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:15Speaker 00

  Do you remember that? I was like, what is that noise? And he was like, two, and, and she was just lying there looking at him. And I was like, this is a terrible woman I stand.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  I'm looking.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  And they, they clap after they've sex, the pigeons. And then as soon as they knew I was home, they left us. They moved out. I was like, Jesus, I. You're, you should, you should, yeah, you should go.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  Have you ever seen hyenas? I told Amber about hyenas. Female hyenas basically have like what looks like a giant flaccid penis that just like hangs around and flaps around the place. And that's where the male hyena has sex. And then it's meant to be the most painful birth because then the female hyena gives birth through this long tube. God, they're not great looking animals, are they?

• 14:54Speaker 00

  I'm gonna need to fact check that, Jo.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  No, I swear to God.

• 14:57Speaker 00

  It's okay, it's okay. Well, we believe in fact check though.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  The only person that needs to be fact checked in this room is you.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  Fact check that, Jo.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  You don't even know how to see your own bins.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  What's she said there about me?

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Um, people keep spitting on me this week.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Spenny.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  As like it for luck?

• 15:13Speaker 01

  No. So I was at the races on Sunday and I was standing there and it was really windy and someone was trying to put my hair down. And she goes, do you mind?

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Someone was trying to.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  And she licked her hair and tried to wipe my hair and I was like, no.

• 15:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  I don't think that you know me. I don't even share drinks. I cannot bear.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  Any spit from anyone near me, particularly not on my head.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm gonna ask you my mother.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  No, no, not even my mother. I don't want anyone spit in my head. And then Spenny tried to do it to me yesterday. I'm like, why is everyone spitting on me this week?

• 15:41Speaker 00

  That's, that, he is your husband. I mean, I'm not one to, I don't want to.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  What? So I have to go around with someone's smelly spit hair?

• 15:47Speaker 00

  I remember Nikki, who's actually downstairs, who I do anxious be occupied with. Um, I was doing a photo shoot and, um, like full, you know, full glam and everything. And I did a little like fly away and Nikki did the same thing. She licked her fingers and tried to pat down my, um, pat down my hair. And I was like, Nikki.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  I've gotten glam. I'm like, but she's a mom like you. It's an instinct.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  I, I, I don't spit in people's heads. I just think it's wrong and your spit smells. Uh, I'm actually going to Wimbledon next week, so without you. And I got to.

• 16:20Speaker 00

  It is actually Wimbledon is a competition.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  But we are actually, yeah.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Who's playing Joan today? Who are you gonna see?

• 16:26Speaker 00

  I knew you'd do this to me. I knew you'd do this. And so I'm not taking the bait. Tennis is playing. That's what's playing. And I'm gonna watch the tennis.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  How much tennis are you gonna watch? You're so excited.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna watch all of it.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  You must know, but I saw you put some of it Naomi Osaka and her outfits, which is so cool.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Naomi, what's her name?

• 16:43Speaker 01

  Naomi Osaka.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  Naomi Osaka. Look at her outfit. It's insane. I know.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  Why is Serena Williams back?

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Well, I guess because she's like one of the best tennis players in the world. She just, like, do you think that she should be?

• 16:56Speaker 01

  No, but I just thought like, I, I just thought she'd be like, right, I'm done now. I've, I've done my tennising.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  I know, but she's like, I think there's some people who will kind of give up when they feel they have enough money and they're ready to do it. And there's other people who will work until they'll work. You will work yourself into the grave.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  Oh, I'll be.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Happily so.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Well, no, I won't be. There'll be more holidays if you can.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  You'll be collabing on your deathbed.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  I'll be, I'll be fitting in some more holidays.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  You're like Juleepa. No one goes on holidays more than you.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  And I don't even get offended when people are like, she's on holidays again. I'm like, yeah, I know. But I also, I've worked to go on holidays.

• 17:30Speaker 00

  Google who's playing today, will you?

• 17:32Speaker 02

  There's an Italian guy called Sinner.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  I love him.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  Do you? Yeah.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  Yeah. What, is he, what's he, is he in the main course?

• 17:39Speaker 01

  Did you see who was?

• 17:40Speaker 00

  Is he centre court? Fantastic.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Did you see who was playing?

• 17:43Speaker 00

  Sorry to interrupt you, but I'm sorry now.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know what you're gonna say. Who was, who was in the royal box?

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Did you see David Beckham catching the tennis ball with one hand?

• 17:51Speaker 01

  No, I saw, I did see David Beckham in the royal box, so.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was in the royal box. Someone hit the ball up, obviously one of the players, I'm assuming. And he put his hand up and he was caught it with one. I was like, fuck off, take a day off, will you? Take a day off.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Supposedly David Beckham is becoming really loved by the younger gang now. Not, it's not just, it's not our generation anymore.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  He's got cool kids now. He's got cool kids.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, but like, like all the.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  When they fancy him.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, all the younger people fancy David Beckham now. And I just think, do you know what? Back off, right?

• 18:17Speaker 00

  He's pickled, like he hasn't.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Did you see?

• 18:19Speaker 00

  She's the same. She hasn't aged. She is like, I don't know, like she is, I mean, that's.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Who? Oh, Victoria.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  They just, the two of them, they're, they're right. They know they are. They know they're, they know they're right.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  Here's a story I heard that's probably complete bullshit, but like, I'll say it anyway. Supposedly David and Victoria were nearly breaking up at one point. And David was a bit naughty and she was also naughty supposedly.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Are we going down this road?

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Well, this is.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  I'm sorry, Victoria, if, if you're listening, I want nothing to do with this. I, I want nothing to do with this. I do feel I'm gonna meet her one day and I'm sorry, I do feel like we are gonna get on. And I don't wanna be brought down with you talking about their marriage. So Victoria, if you're listening, I have nothing to do with this.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  Victoria won't wanna touch you off you've got a mouse in your house. You've got a mouse in your house. She's not gonna wanna be around you.

• 19:06Speaker 00

  Sorry, she lives in the Cotswolds, okay? I think she's very used to animals.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Look how lovey and dovey they are all the time now. It's like they have rekindled their relationship. It's like they're going back to being teenagers.

• 19:16Speaker 00

  They do have a bang of makeup sex off them at all times, don't they?

• 19:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  And I love her and I love, I love, I love both of them equally.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love them too. I was, there was, oh yeah, speaking of makeup sex, segue. You know the way my stenos turned into seven girthy fat dreads and they had to go in and be sheared? Yeah.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  You look like you still have them in your hair, I can just say.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  I feel bald after. I feel really.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  You literally have enough for three people's hair in your head.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  I feel very bald. I'm full of shame.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  I actually think you should be off the monoxidil. You've got too much hair.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  The monoxidil's for the hairline.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Cause unlike Leandro's.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  There he is again.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  Did you see they adopted a dog?

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Unlikely entries, I can't grow my hairline back by doing hard time in a do by person.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  I could sort that out for you if you wanted.

• 20:03Speaker 00

  Are we allowed or are we not allowed to talk about it?

• 20:04Speaker 01

  What do you want to say about it? Go on, say it.

• 20:06Speaker 02

  We, what, let's make money out of it. She has to pay each of us 10 quid.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  If you want to talk about it, 10 quid. 10 quid. Pay for our parking. This place is a fucking rip off.

• 20:16Speaker 00

  I know. I sent you that message. I had a handyman in the other day doing some bits and bobs.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  I told you.

• 20:21Speaker 00

  Seven, he sent me the bill and I was like, God, that's kind of spicy. So I looked at it. 70 pounds parking. 70 pounds.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  I had to pay 20 quid. Why do you think I'm always cycling up here now? I refuse to do it. I don't mind paying money for something, but it's not worth 20 quid. I'm not in the middle of Soho.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  So will I tell you what I'm doing this week? I haven't told you. I'm going to the Grand Prix on Saturday. And then I'm going to Wimbledon. I'm doing loads of day events.

• 20:51Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Well now, I'm only going to qualifying because it's Chi Chi's birthday. I forgot. I've everything organised for Sunday. I'm doing a party for her. And I forgot and I'd booked to go to the Grand Prix on Sunday. And that's when he was like, are we not meant to be at Chi Chi's party? And I was like, you are correct.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  So what, have you cancelled the party?

• 21:05Speaker 01

  Cancelled the party, yeah. Cancelled Chi Chi's, no, I did not cancel the party.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  Kids are great because they don't know when their birthday is. You could just tell them.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  I did not cancel the party. I've organised, there's someone going to do hair braids and everything. No.

• 21:15Speaker 00

  I'll bring, I could come. I'll bring the mouse.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  Like a petting area.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  Oh, we have a little circus with Joanne.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll bring the mouse and the chihuahua downstairs. Yeah, I'll bring the animal.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  You are, I've invited you.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  I'll bring the, did you? I didn't see any invite coming in.

• 21:28Speaker 01

  I did invite you.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  On the podcast.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  On the podcast, yeah. I didn't see any invite coming in. Would you get lost? We don't, it's paperless posts.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Do you remember the old school? Do you remember the, oh my God, do you remember you going to school and you'd get the little birthday invites? And they'd be all the fancy paper. Oh, it was so cute. And then your mum would put it on the fridge. And then you'd go to the party and you'd bring a present and you'd get it and you'd get a party bag at the end full of like shit.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  I don't do party bags. I've said that before. I don't do them.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  God, you're very tight.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  No, it's not about being tight. I give a full big gift.

• 21:58Speaker 00

  Bear by Vogue, she's like, bear by Vogue for all the kids.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Now with the serum, don't forget to wash your hands after.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  No, I give a gift because I buy them.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  I don't know what it is.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  I buy them one gift each. So they're all going home with like a potion making set. So they have one thing instead of like a paper airplane and a lollipop and like stuff that they won't actually use. I give them one present each that they all get to take home. And because it's 30 degrees, I'm getting buckets of water. Like I have these big buckets, boxes that I'm going to fill up with water and I've bought water guns so they can all have a water gun fight at the end.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  You're going to waterboard the kids for the afternoon. I'd, I'd go to that. I'd go to that for the potion and the waterboarding.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  I want you to come towards the end. I'll have to order another potion.

• 22:39Speaker 00

  I am actually around, I am actually free on Saturday.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  No, it's on Sunday.

• 22:44Speaker 00

  I believe I am also free on Sunday.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  Come on Sunday, there's going to be champagne and wine.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  Oh, stunning.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  I think you might be free on Sunday, mightn't you?

• 22:50Speaker 00

  I'm, I'm free on Sunday.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  You're free on Sunday.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  I do love a little, I do love a little glass of champagne on a Sunday.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  You can pop down.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  And, and, and I will want my potion at the end.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  I will get you a new box potion. I've also, do you know what else I've been doing this week? I'm turning into a vigilante. I'm going to stop. It's happened again.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Are you complaining? What are you doing?

• 23:08Speaker 01

  No, I'm just turning into one of those people. Like I'm going to start setting up a bike and going around filming people on their phones in their cars soon because like it's just, it's, I'm, I'm going too far. I'm actually going to get a slap in the face, I think, soon. I was basically walking back from the kids' school again.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  And this girl, but she was like 16 or 17 and she just threw two pieces of rubbish and I was like, oh.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  And I was like, excuse me, will you pick up your rubbish there? That's not a bin.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Maybe she's in the Lambeth County Council and she's trying to get rid of the shit that they won't collect, even though she's paying her council tax.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  She was like, no. And she kept walking on. I was like, okay, cool. I'm just going to go to your school with you then. And then I'll tell your principal that you threw the rubbish there.

• 23:49Speaker 00

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. What age was this person?

• 23:51Speaker 01

  16 or 17.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  And she was in a uniform?

• 23:53Speaker 01

  And she was in a uniform.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  And she was near the school area.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  School area. Yeah. So I was like, okay, cool. I'll just go to your school and tell your principal that you're just littering on the road.

• 24:01Speaker 00

  I love how you opened today's podcast like, I'm not a normal mom.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  I'm like a killer.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  This is more like a vigilante thing I've started. But then I was like, and Svenny was like, well, she's just gonna do it anyway. And I was like, but she won't, because now I've embarrassed her in front of her friends. Telling her to pick up her rubbish. And she's had it. And then her mate's like, is she trying to kidnap you? I thought, I fucking am not.

• 24:21Speaker 00

  She's, what, they started kidnapping you?

• 24:23Speaker 01

  I was like, no, no, thank you, pal.

• 24:26Speaker 00

  Is she trying to kidnap you? Were you in a van? Were you wearing your body clav?

• 24:30Speaker 01

  I wasn't even near her. I was like 10 metres away from her. And then she, her mate's like, oh no, she's not trying to kidnap me. And I was like, I wouldn't want to kidnap you.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  You're a letter book.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I've already taken this too far. Yeah, but I was thinking to myself, I'm gonna be one of those people that'll eventually get a dig off someone. I will, won't I?

• 24:49Speaker 00

  I have a friend, they have a real bee in their bonnet about four by fours. Because they think that they're like not necessary and, you know, unless you're like driving over land in Scotland. Like, you don't need a four by four.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  It's probably true, but they do, like, has she ever seen a Defender? They look really nice.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Well, she has seen a Defender, yes.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  I'd love to have a Defender.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Her vigilante vibe is she's, she emails.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  I think she leaves notes. She leaves notes on four by four windows.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  No, she doesn't.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  I think, I think she, I think she does.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  And she has an email account set up, but she'll email the council and say if they're, if they're parked and. So when did this podcast turn into a neighbourhood WhatsApp group?

• 25:29Speaker 02

  Just a couple of weeks ago, I think.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  You did it. You did it with the bins. Yeah. By the way, we never mentioned that Bad Bunny was in Wimbledon.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Okay, so you know the one going to Wimbledon? Do you remember that? Do you remember going to Wimbledon? And I was, I used to be publicist. I used to be publicist. You know, they're my things.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Did you used to work in a hotel?

• 25:48Speaker 00

  I used to work in a, I used to do things in a private castle. Thanks for asking, Joe. It was English Sensiology, and I did come for a swim here. Thank you.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  You said it's a long time.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  Wimbledon, no need, no need for that, no need for the adults. Wimbledon, so remember last year when we went and I.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Sweat, oh my god, what are you wearing?

• 26:05Speaker 00

  There you go, there you go.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  What are you wearing?

• 26:09Speaker 00

  I got griefed last year because I wasn't dressed appropriately for Wimbledon and I'd just come back from Glastonbury and I was hanging out of a handbag and I wore a miniskirt and like platform heels and I looked, I was a little emaciated because we'd obviously walked 60 billion steps over the weekend. And of course Pat was like, please, please, next year, like, get your shit together, like, you need to wear a long A-line, you need to wear something a bit more glam. Anyway, I hadn't thought about Wimbledon because I was just busy and then I was like, oh shit Wimbledon, I have nothing, I tried to order something off ASOS. Anyway, I'm going this year, the skirt's even shorter, I have it upstairs, it's green though and I thought, that's sporty. Yeah, I'm going even shorter this year.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  I was trying on my Wimbledon outfits yesterday and then I was dressed a bit like a tennis ball, so I'm not wearing that, but I could have brought you a really cool two-piece, we could have just both worn the same thing.

• 26:55Speaker 00

  But would I, I just feel like I'd look like someone who's robbed their mother's wardrobe.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  It's a Serena boot, right.

• 27:00Speaker 00

  Anyway, my point is.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  That you're just.

• 27:03Speaker 00

  I can't wait to show you.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  You're going slaggy again.

• 27:05Speaker 00

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna be slagger this year at Wimbledon, yeah, and I can't wait for you to see my little slaggy outfits.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Oh my god, imagine they don't let her in.

• 27:11Speaker 00

  I'm wearing a bikini made of tennis balls.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Like Lizzie Cundy at Ascot when she got turned away because she wasn't wearing the appropriate clothing, there would be no funnier moment.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  I'm wearing a bikini for just two half a tennis balls and then the contaminated sticker from the bins over my badge.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Perfect, actually that will look really well, you'll get invited into the Royal Box.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  I'll hit Centre Course.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  Are you going to the Royal Box?

• 27:32Speaker 00

  I wouldn't engage with the Royals or their boxes.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Or their boxes.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  I wasn't invited. I don't, actually, I actually don't think I would go in there, you know.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm going to the Royal Box.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  I got invited to some Royal event the other day and I was like, no, no.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  What, Russ?

• 27:46Speaker 00

  I'm Irish, in the Lambeth area.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  What Royal event, I'm not going to the Royal Box, Joe, cut that out. And was, because Johan didn't take the bait.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Because, oh yeah, but it wouldn't surprise me if you were going to the Royal Box.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  I'm not a Royal, Johan, stop.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  No, I, no, I'm not.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  She is trying to make me unrelatable again, Joe, I won't have it.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  No.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Not when she, well, not when she sits on this plot of land.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Joanne owns the Lambeth area, she doesn't just.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Lady Lambeth, everyone knows, that's my name, Lady Lambeth.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Lady Lambeth.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  This is what I wanted to say. So I did a podcast, actually, Kane Brown and Christopher Savage do a podcast called The Rated Show, right? And I went in as a guest. It was ages ago I filmed it. And they've just released it, but one of the clips, they were like, would you mind? And I was kind of like, I was like, oh, I don't really know if I want that clipped up. But I was like, yeah, fuck it, go on.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  But the clip was me talking about money and I was so awkward about it. Did you see it?

• 28:48Speaker 01

  No.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Because you don't pay attention to anything I do. Did you see it?

• 28:50Speaker 01

  I see your fucking stories all the time.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna see it.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  So we were having a wider conversation about dating and comedy.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Oh, and you were talking about going to pay the bill?

• 29:00Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  Yes, I did see it.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  You did see it, yes, thank you so much. And I was saying that, money's funny, money is funny. And I know we always tease you about having billions of it and stuff. And I was obviously came from like mushrooms coming out of my toilet, et cetera, blah, blah, blah. But obviously now I make, I have an income. And I was saying that when I go on dates with lads, that I assume I kind of, I'm earning more. Now, the reason I assume that is because I date like normal lads. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not dating like crypto bros, like I'm not doing that. And I was saying that when, so when I feel guilty at getting them to pay, so then I end up paying on the sly. And then I lose all respect for them. And the lads were like pissing themselves. I thought it was hilarious because they were like, that's not his fault.

• 29:42Speaker 00

  And I was like, I know. But I was so weird about it because I was like, do you know when you're like, I just don't want to sound like a dick? I don't know, just like, it felt like kind of crass or whatever. And they were like, no, no, no, it's fine, it's grand, it's funny or whatever. And I was like, ugh. It's more so that I was just like mortified to admit that I have an income. Do you know what I mean? And like, what's that about? Because I'm a woman? I don't know. It was like, I had to do some self-reflection on it.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  I think next time.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  I had to give it space. I had to give it space. I was like, why am I so uncomfortable with this?

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Video. Do you know what I think? I think I feel bad for always slagging you about having money.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you. So it's an apology.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  I think it was, I think it's an apology.

• 30:20Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 30:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I always, I, yeah, I always enjoyed being the underdog and I, and I remain to be the underdog and I know I always will be. But I was, I, it's, I'm sorry I'm always slagging you about being loud.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  I think that is kind of fair enough. It's, it's funny.

• 30:34Speaker 00

  Thank God.

• 30:35Speaker 01

  Spenny's the one that drags me down with that accent, for God's sake.

• 30:38Speaker 00

  He is, he's quite the peasant.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  I'm telling you about a wine crime, a crime against wine. And you love wine.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  I do love wine.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  This is, okay, so there was a woman, right?

• 30:46Speaker 00

  It's not to love.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  She was on a one-year contract with a winery in Spain.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  Is this the woman who gorilla glued her fellow's ass together?

• 30:55Speaker 01

  No, I checked that. That was unfortunately a.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  I know, I know.

• 31:00Speaker 00

  The robots, they're fucking ruining it.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  I know, honestly, and it was such a good story.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Sometimes I think it's better not to check.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  God, we could, we could get so much out of that. Yeah, I know, but people, our listeners mail in and they say that that's wrong. So no, this is right. I've checked it. So she was working at a winery in Spain and they didn't renew her contract. Like, they didn't fire her, but she worked there for a year and it was just one of those contracts that it wasn't permanent.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, politely, you're not coming back.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  She snuck into the winery and destroyed 2.7 million dollars' worth of wine. She was, she basically opened, you know, the big wine vats? Huge wine vats. So she just opened, she got through three of them. She was trying to do all five, opened it and all the wine just went to the ground.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  She should have, I'm sorry now, and like, I, I accept what you're telling me, but she should have just urinated in them all and let them bottle it and sell it. That would have been much better revenge.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Well, I don't know, because there's, she's lost them nearly three, they would have sold it for $3 million, all that wine. I know.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  Well, I was working, recently working with Casillas and they're a gorgeous wine, rosé.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  I should have actually got them to send some for the party because I purchased.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, Gigi, I'd say Gigi would love a rosé. She's almost a.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, her friends are really into rosé. They like the, the soft notes of a rosé.

• 32:14Speaker 00

  She, I'd say she's, she's gonna be in a groundy girl.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  Another story that I have for you is about mushrooms.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  Joe's worried. Scientists have proven that magic mushrooms reverse cellular aging by 57%.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  Sorry, did I not tell you about the one with dementia?

• 32:35Speaker 01

  Scientists, Joe.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  Someone who has dementia has dementia. Is this the story you're talking about?

• 32:41Speaker 01

  No, this is a different story about aging, how magic mushrooms actually reduce cellular aging. Joe's freaked. It's true, Joe. That's what the scientists said.

• 32:49Speaker 00

  Joe, come on now, mushrooms.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Don't take drugs.

• 32:51Speaker 00

  She's not saying gear.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  Certainly don't pick mushrooms from the forest.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Are we even calling mushrooms drugs?

• 32:59Speaker 01

  They're a vegetable.

• 33:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  They're one of our five a day.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  They're classified drugs.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  So they exposed human cells to psilocybin and they found that the cells slower slowed down in their cellular aging. Less inflammation. So I think that we will all be, I did some benefits, benefits of magic mushrooms, number one.

• 33:20Speaker 02

  Before she says any of this, in England at least, they are class A drugs.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Class A drugs.

• 33:25Speaker 00

  Well, I'm in charge of Lambeth and I've legalized them here.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, Lady Lambeth said it's fine.

• 33:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, Lady Lambeth, I have a vegetable patch out the back full of shrimps.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're free, you can pick them.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  A lot of neighbours licking their cheeks.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  You can face up to seven years in prison for possession.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  That is ridiculous.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  Okay, number one benefit of magic mushrooms, it's not cocaine. Cocaine is a bad drug.

• 33:47Speaker 00

  That's a really good point.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  I think that's something we can all agree on.

• 33:49Speaker 01

  Yes, cocaine is a bad drug.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Like all drugs.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Number two, it's a vegetable, so it's part of your five a day. Number three, the effects wear off.

• 33:55Speaker 00

  Don't say anything bad about coke, we might do a collab at some point.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  Fuck's sake.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  We might want to work with them at some point, don't say anything bad.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  I've been very careful.

• 34:07Speaker 00

  The coconist who comes to us and the money's right, you know.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  But when you look at magic mushrooms, people use them within therapy.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  And there was a woman who had dementia, Alzheimer's I guess, and she hadn't said, she was non-verbal for several years and they put her on the shrimps.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:21Speaker 00

  I mean, the ethics, I don't know. The ethics are none of my business, I read some article. And she started speaking. Now, I'm not going to say she kind of snapped back to life, but her cerebral, her cognition came back to a certain degree. What are your other points?

• 34:35Speaker 01

  That was it, there was just three. But what I will tell you about shrooms is the drug resets part of the brain associated with depression, allowing neurons to form new healthier connections, reduced anxiety. So some people do, what's it called, microdosing?

• 34:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  And it helps with their anxiety.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can't, I would be up for that. Would you?

• 34:53Speaker 01

  Now, I have read stories about mom groups, now I'm not in any mom groups, that are doing shrooms together. Did you never read that?

• 35:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  Joe, I have read stories about that, where moms are basically going out and doing shrooms together.

• 35:05Speaker 00

  Don't blame them. At lunchtime. Life can be very repetitive. There's anyways.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  So I think that we should actually go down to that baby group down the road.

• 35:12Speaker 00

  There's a baby cafe down the road. They just serve babies all day. I went, I went in, I tried to get an ice latte and they're like, this is a baby shop for babies. And I was like, well, okay. They actually did give me an ice latte, but it was very clear I wasn't welcome back.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  Seventeen buggies, not give it away?

• 35:25Speaker 00

  No.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  I looked in and I was like, oh, I used to be, that's why when I drove by that today, I was like, oh no, I'm just not like, I'm not a mom mom like that.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  But I actually did used to go to all those kind of things.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  The buggy farms, isn't that what they called them at the front? The panta, I was rife with them at Christmas.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, the panta.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  Miles and miles of buggy farms.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  The woman with Alzheimer's did start talking again, it's in the new Scientist. She also had urinary incontinence and regained the control of her bladder.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Because of shrooms?

• 35:53Speaker 02

  Apparently because of.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  That's unbelievable. Psilocybin.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  Psilocybin.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  Unbelievable.

• 35:59Speaker 00

  Well, I'm sorry, you know I have a weak pelvic floor, so I am claiming medical reasons.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Well, I am literally, I am.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  Please consult a medical professional, never take anything without the advice of a medical professional.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  I'm up two or three times a night doing Weesner with this pregnancy, so. Chat GPT, Joe, see if pregnant people.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Nibbling on my vegetable patch out the back. You'll never piss again. Sorry, I am telling you now, I have been talking about this for ages.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  Before 2027 begins, I am going to have done ayahuasca.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  No, this has been going on for years.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna tell you when I'm doing it, but you will know because I will be a completely different person and I may be wearing a crucifix.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  It doesn't last. I had one of Spence's friends who used to go out and do ayahuasca and he came back to our house full of kids with a fucking book. And he sat on our couch and started reading a book and his voice had gone down to a whisper. So now he spoke like this and he was so chilled out from ayahuasca. And then he went on an absolute bender like two weeks later.

• 37:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, a lot of addicts go in because it does kind of, they're looking for a bit of a reset.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'm not going in for addiction reasons. I'm going in to have my horizons broadened.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  Are you gonna go here or go abroad?

• 37:11Speaker 00

  I feel like I could go in the Lambeth area. There are, there are.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  Just Lady Lambeth, get a discount.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  You can get it.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  Just Lady Lambeth, get a discount.

• 37:20Speaker 00

  I assume so.

• 37:23Speaker 00

  Me and the bin man tripping balls out the garden.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  That is a surefire way to have them on your side.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, they don't look like good time guys. They're not party boys.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  They're not party boys?

• 37:33Speaker 00

  No, you'd know.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  So are you actually gonna do ayahuasca this summer?

• 37:37Speaker 00

  Why are you saying ayahuasca? Do you know something I don't know?

• 37:40Speaker 01

  What are you calling it?

• 37:41Speaker 00

  Ayahuasca. I mean, this is probably a surefire sign.

• 37:44Speaker 01

  I just love cleaning as you know, so.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  You love what?

• 37:47Speaker 01

  Cleaning, as you know, so I call everything that I can.

• 37:49Speaker 00

  Ayahuasca. I think it's gonna be, I'm gonna broaden my horizons. You can do it in the UK, you can do it in Ireland, you got a shaman. But I think if I'm gonna do it, I might as well go large and go into the Amazon.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  Are you gonna do like a group though? And then you have to be surrounded by everyone vomiting and shitting. I couldn't, I couldn't stand it.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  That's an expel mic. I don't think that's gonna bother me.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Like the old days, oh, the glory days.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  I'm telling you now.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  The memories. It's unlocking core memories.

• 38:18Speaker 00

  Oh, the golden years.

• 38:19Speaker 01

  I'm very excited.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm telling you now.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  Joanna's cancelled her holiday in Spain with me and now I know why.

• 38:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not going anywhere until August. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go and do Io.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Io Wasca.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  Wasca in August. And I'm telling you now.

• 38:33Speaker 01

  Costa Rica has a good spot to do it in.

• 38:35Speaker 00

  There you go, I'll go there. And I'll expense it.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  How are you gonna expense that?

• 38:40Speaker 00

  Because I'll do an interesting story from Costa Rica. That's all you have to do then. And I write it off. Wherever, wherever the stuff goes and you write it off into the thing.

• 38:48Speaker 00

  Wait till you see me when I come back.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  We have the same acquaintance now. You're not gonna get away with that.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  He's no crack, is he?

• 38:57Speaker 00

  I was like, I'm writing it off. I remember there was a, there was a clip of, there was a clip in Schitt's Creek where Eric David was talking about writing stuff off and his dad was like, do you know what that means? And I was like, I've never felt more seen. I say write it off about seven times a day. I haven't a clue what I'm talking about. I, like, what am I writing? What's off? Where's it going? What are you doing with the day, Joanna? Mostly just writing things off, really. What are you doing?

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Once it's said, you can't unsay it and it's written and it's off and that's it. No one can argue with that. Uh, like, do you know what I mean? And I hope the revenue is listening to this because I've written it all off and there's nothing you can do about it.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  There's a lot of things that they can do about it, sadly.

• 39:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're like, you can do three to five years, Joanna. That's what you can do.

• 39:39Speaker 00

  I'm telling you, I was very, I very clearly wrote it off.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  Someone messaged me there going, are you ever gonna write that book? I said, I don't have time to write the book because I'm writing things off.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  Excuse me, I'm going to Wimbledon followed by Harry Styles.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  I'm writing things off.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  Did I tell you I might be going to Wilderness to see Carl Cox?

• 40:01Speaker 00

  Does Carl know this?

• 40:03Speaker 01

  I don't fancy Carl. I just think he's so cool.

• 40:06Speaker 00

  He is really cool.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Even T thinks he's cool. T comes in from school and he's like, can I see that man going on to the stage when he does a shoulder? You know what? Because I've been watching it so much. Have you not seen him go on stage? Oh my God, it's so cool. Everyone's like, God, he's.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  Are you gonna go to Wilderness?

• 40:23Speaker 01

  I think I'm gonna go down and back in one day, but I only fly home from Spain that day. It's a lot to be thinking of, but I think I might go down and back.

• 40:30Speaker 00

  Joe, I, I wouldn't mind going to Wilderness.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't remember seeing the text about that.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  I don't.

• 40:35Speaker 01

  Okay, guys, I was actually finished my sentence there because.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  Say what you want, but I did not get an invite for Gigi's party. No, I was busy writing things off, but I would have noticed that.

• 40:43Speaker 02

  We can go back to that in the podcast. There you did, yeah.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  And Joe, you can obviously come with your kids if you want, but like, no one wants to go to kids' parties.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  Is it a drop off? I know this from motherland. Is it a drop off? I like a drop off. Is it a drop?

• 40:57Speaker 01

  It's not full drop off because it's in the car, it's in the, it's in the park. It's not full drop off.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Semi drop off?

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Semi drop off. I was up last night and I was like, Jesus Christ, have I told everyone the right day? Have I told everyone the right day? And I was like, oh, fuck, there's a dairy free. There's a dairy free.

• 41:12Speaker 02

  Child.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. So you gotta, yeah, I gotta organise some dairy free bits.

• 41:17Speaker 00

  So what was it? What was it? What was her mother pumping?

• 41:20Speaker 01

  Do you want to see it at the table? Like with the kids? Are you coming full on for the whole day? Are you gonna do your little arches?

• 41:24Speaker 00

  I'll be writing things off, so I'll just nip in and nip out.

• 41:29Speaker 01

  Do you think I can write the party off?

• 41:35Speaker 00

  I'll just do an Insta story with Gigi.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  I'm not, no, we're gonna get looked at. What's that called? Investigators. I'm not writing anything off. It's her.

• 41:42Speaker 00

  She's flat out writing everything she wants to write. She's a pen in every hand, every hand on her toes. Look at her.

• 41:47Speaker 01

  Wesley Snipes went to jail for like 20 years or something over time.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  He obviously didn't write it off properly because I'm, I'm.

• 41:53Speaker 01

  OJ Simpson got away with murder, but he didn't get away with writing stuff off. That's what he went down for.

• 41:57Speaker 00

  They always get the mafia on the tax in the end, don't they?

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  So there you go. Good job, everybody.

• 42:03Speaker 00

  That's mad. So I could kill somebody and get away with it, but if I write stuff off.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  Big trouble. I wouldn't be writing stuff off.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  Maybe people that I have.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  So you're coming to Gigi's party on Sunday, correct?

• 42:16Speaker 00

  Yes. And then, as you know, it's a big day for me.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Oh, we have our watching party.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  We have our watching party. Unacceptable, the new panel show on TLC with me, Ed Gamble and Richard Iwobi starts this Sunday on TLC at 9pm.

• 42:29Speaker 01

  And we should all be watching it. We're very excited.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  Well, I, we had the screening last night.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Thanks for the invite, by the way. Did you get an invite for that?

• 42:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, I didn't see the text for that one.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  Did you see how many people were at the screening? It was in a full cinema.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  It was everyone, yeah.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, there was hundreds of people at it, actually.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  You know, where's your press pass? Where's your press pass?

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Don't worry, no, it's okay, Joanne, I don't want to host this, that's just what I do for my job, that's fine.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  You just hate it.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  Do you know what I really hate? Free champagne.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Can't bear it, actually, Jo.

• 42:55Speaker 02

  I hate it.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  Can't bear it.

• 42:56Speaker 00

  Sorry, I don't want to-

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Can't stand a special night out, no.

• 42:59Speaker 00

  It was a work event, I don't want to put the pressure on either of you to come to things like that.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Okay, thanks, well, we had a great time.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  We had, we had, we did have a great time, and then, Richard, Richard has very cleverly-

• 43:10Speaker 01

  Did he not do that either?

• 43:11Speaker 00

  He doesn't, he's had it in his contract, he just doesn't do any brands.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Fair play.

• 43:15Speaker 00

  Now, I actually like to impress, I don't mind it, but yeah, he's like, he actually said to me recently, because I was, I was kind of like teasing him about it, and I was like, Jesus, I haven't seen you in, me and Gl- I had her glued to the hip, we were on everything going, and he went, um, "I'm just so bad at it, I will end up telling people not to watch it." He's like, "I will end up talking people out of watching it," and I was like, "Fine, fair enough," and he's great.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  Well, if you don't invite me again, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

• 43:36Speaker 00

  Well, you're inviting people.

• 43:37Speaker 01

  I'm gonna put it up on my Instagram, I'm actually gonna main page it, I won't even put it on stories, it will be a main page post, telling people exactly what I think of you.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  I'm quite nervous about it.

• 43:46Speaker 01

  That's gonna be brilliant.

• 43:48Speaker 00

  Oh, well, that fixes that, fixes that, thanks, Jo.

• 43:50Speaker 02

  Just chill about it.

• 43:50Speaker 00

  It stopped feeling it, yeah.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  That's not how feelings work, Jo.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Well, I'm anxious, and Spenny says, "Don't be anxious," I'm like, "Okay."

• 43:57Speaker 00

  Oh, great, thanks, why didn't I think of that?

• 43:59Speaker 01

  Perfect, you should go-

• 44:00Speaker 00

  This was my only option, I didn't realise, like, it does not feel like this.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  You should go into therapy, honestly.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  Anyway, Unacceptable this Sunday on TLC.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  I'm really excited to watch that, well done, congratulations.

• 44:09Speaker 00

  Thanks, comedians discuss unacceptable opinions.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  That's all I have.