Pod Insights My Therapist Ghosted Me MTGM EXTRA! "I turned 37 and my libido is through the ROOF." About this episode Can you trust your neighbours to take in your packages? That's Joanne & Vogue's metric for whether they're good people or not... Plus, why Joanne could be Vogue's stepmother one day and a listener who has good news for women in their thirties with an eye for the younger man.
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This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.
Transcript 0:02 Speaker 00 This is a Global Player original podcast.
0:05 Speaker 01 Don't you dare try and throw me under the bus as a person of privilege. I have no front garden.
0:11 Speaker 02 Okay, put it in the swimming pool then.
0:15 Speaker 01 We've got to do something about the pigeons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be you, yeah. Just flagging that I have a sex life, Joanne, you clearly don't have me to answer any questions.
0:29 Speaker 02 Hello.
0:30 Speaker 01 Hello.
0:31 Speaker 02 I can't, I just can't get used to having her back. I can't get used to it.
0:35 Speaker 01 Hello. I am, I'm still here. I'm, I'm, now I am dressed a little unusually today, just if anyone's actually watching this. Jo says I look like a Roman emperor.
0:49 Speaker 03 Greek, actually, I think it's more Greek.
0:51 Speaker 02 Sorry, a Greek emperor would have on Dutch leopard print hats.
0:55 Speaker 03 And I didn't, I didn't say emperor, I said someone from the ancient Greek times. You elevated yourself to emperor, I didn't say that.
1:02 Speaker 02 I think she looks like a washerwoman.
1:06 Speaker 01 What's a washerwoman?
1:08 Speaker 03 She does the washing?
1:09 Speaker 02 Like a washerwoman from the olden days, you know, those women who used to wear the rags in rivers and wash people's clothes?
1:14 Speaker 01 Yes, yes.
1:16 Speaker 02 An emperor, have you fucking seen her?
1:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, no, that wasn't my words. I didn't say that.
1:23 Speaker 01 I don't know if I just promoted myself to emperor. And yes, I'm a Roman emperor with the Van Dutch hat because I have a time machine. Okay, I was just in Pompeii doing my bits and bobs and then I came back doing my space.
1:34 Speaker 02 Pompeii was just Pompeii.
1:36 Speaker 01 I was trying to warn them about the impending explosion of Vesuvius. See, can I shift time? Remember the butterfly effect, remember the butterfly effect that they were like? I actually really like that film, great film.
1:46 Speaker 02 I just don't like, I don't like Ashton Kutcher, but I think that's for other reasons.
1:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, he wasn't very nice to Tommy Moore and we know that now. But he, the film Butterfly Effect was like how tiny, if you go back in time, every single thing you check, you think you, uh, things you think you would change and then it has this like massive knock on effect. I think he kind of unalived himself in the end, didn't he, Jo, just to kind of keep the time continuing?
2:07 Speaker 03 Well, we don't want to spoil a film, no matter how long ago it came out, you know, no spoilers.
2:11 Speaker 02 No one's watching anything, no one's watching anything. Do you think anyone's typing in Ashton Kutcher to Netflix? I don't think so.
2:17 Speaker 03 Go and watch it, go and watch the Butterfly Effect, great film.
2:21 Speaker 01 But Asher Kutcher has a fairly decent career. Oh no, sorry, he's not, he's been cancelled. Forgot about that.
2:27 Speaker 02 It's not that he's been cancelled, he's just like, I don't agree with cancelling people unless like they're really, he's just, he's not, he would, he's, he has questionable opinions on people that are grimo.
2:40 Speaker 01 I totally forgot about that. I forgot that him and his wife, whose name escapes me right now.
2:45 Speaker 02 Mila Kunis, Mila Kunis.
2:46 Speaker 01 Oh, they did a, they really fucked up.
2:49 Speaker 02 They did a silly, a silly billy thing. Do you know what I always remember about them as well? This is why you should be careful what you say about yourself in the press.
2:58 Speaker 02 I always remember that they say they don't wash. And they don't, yeah, and they don't wash their kids. And I'm just like, when I see them, no matter, like, they could be on a red carpet with suits on and I'm like, smelly.
3:10 Speaker 01 Is there, is there a bit of context for that, this now? This, this sounds a kind of a clickbaity headline.
3:15 Speaker 02 No, but if you would like to have, you seen my headlines now? I'm not, my name's not Vogue Williams anymore. It's Pregnant Vogue Williams.
3:22 Speaker 01 Of course. Well, you are pregnant. I mean, the facts track.
3:26 Speaker 02 It's my only name.
3:27 Speaker 01 And it's all you are. You're just, once women are pregnant, it's really, it's all just about the pregnancy, really, from other people's perspective.
3:33 Speaker 02 Joanne, you don't remember, everybody is forgetting I'm pregnant.
3:37 Speaker 01 This pregnancy's really dragging and I've only.
3:40 Speaker 02 I shouldn't have fucking told you at six weeks.
3:42 Speaker 01 And I've only, and as you know, I do keep forgetting you're pregnant. So even for the short space of time I've known you're pregnant, it's still dragging. Do they, do they stay in longer on the fourth round?
3:51 Speaker 02 Can you imagine how it drags for me? Right? I am sick every single day.
3:57 Speaker 01 Are you?
3:58 Speaker 02 Yes, every day I have to take tablets, non-stop. So yeah, it's a bit of a drag. It's quite long.
4:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, it is really long. If I, if there's anything that could be done to speed it up, I mean, you're a well-connected woman.
4:10 Speaker 02 Thank God I'm not a bloody elephant. They go on for ages. They're all, they're pregnant for a long time.
4:16 Speaker 01 Did you see a woman who was crushed by an elephant? Two elephants started having a scrap and this poor woman, because the weight of them, they're absolutely ginormous, and this poor woman was crushed underneath them. She's, God love her, she's, she's, she died.
4:30 Speaker 02 You obviously weren't listening in safari class when you went away. Elephants are like the most dangerous, like stay. Elephants and one of those other ones, not wildebeests, buffalo, they will, like, if elephants smell you, they will literally go for you and they'll absolutely trample the shitey on purpose.
4:46 Speaker 01 That's a shame. I was planning to get an elephant for the new house.
4:50 Speaker 02 I thought I drove by your new house and I got really excited.
4:54 Speaker 01 Imagine if an elephant just rolled around a garden and clap them. Like, where's my mate? Got him on, I got him on Etsy.
5:01 Speaker 02 Do you remember, do you remember everyone had those cows? Do you remember? All over Dublin, there was those cows everywhere, like painted loads of different colours.
5:08 Speaker 01 Oh, yes.
5:09 Speaker 02 If you want to have an elephant, just, do you know what? You're not really very neighbourly, I wouldn't say. I can't imagine you're, you're hanging out with all your neighbours. So I suggest to really make sure that doesn't happen. Get a giant elephant for the front garden. They'll never talk to you again.
5:23 Speaker 01 The front, the front garden?
5:25 Speaker 02 Ah, they'll never talk to you again.
5:26 Speaker 01 There is no folk, there is no front garden. Don't you dare try and throw me under the bus as a, as a person of privilege. I have no front garden.
5:34 Speaker 02 Okay, put it in the swimming pool then. Put it in the swimming pool.
5:39 Speaker 01 More like it.
5:40 Speaker 02 Or the private beach.
5:41 Speaker 01 Just some fact checking here. There's no front garden, okay? I'm salty here.
5:45 Speaker 02 Why don't you put it on the steps on the way down to the private beach? Or the jetty. It would look lovely on the jetty.
5:55 Speaker 01 I am a regular person, okay? With the chopper pod.
6:00 Speaker 02 You know what? We can tell from today. You are a regular person.
6:04 Speaker 01 I am. In my spare time, am I an ancient Greek and Grecian emperor? Yes, I am.
6:11 Speaker 01 With great style.
6:12 Speaker 03 Will you join your neighbourhood WhatsApp group when you get the opportunity?
6:15 Speaker 01 I will for this. Yeah. Because those things are Chernobyl level toxic. I want in. I like, there's no, there's entire Reddit threads devoted to the lunacy of the WhatsApp, of the neighbourly WhatsApp groups.
6:29 Speaker 02 I mean.
6:29 Speaker 01 Are you in yours, folk?
6:31 Speaker 02 No, but I have nice neighbours either side of me.
6:34 Speaker 01 In, in which house?
6:35 Speaker 02 In the rental house that I'm in. They're very nice. No, they are. They're really nice. They take in packages and like, we take in their packages. And I always think that that's a sign of a very nice neighbour because like, it's a bit annoying.
6:48 Speaker 01 Paul McCaffrey used to have a great bit about, he still does have a bit, I'm sure it hasn't been taken off him, about taking, because he, because he's a comedian, so he's home all the time. And that a lot of the time, the neighbours would get their stuff delivered and then they'd come in in the evening. He said it was like he was running a post office. He'd be taking their documents and all, like, he'd be like scrolling down the wall to see the code matches and everything. So funny.
7:09 Speaker 02 It's a real.
7:10 Speaker 01 Live the Apollo. So funny.
7:12 Speaker 02 It's a very neighbourly thing to do. So I like my neighbours here. My neighbours in Dublin are very nice. They said I could use their field and the kids could go into their fields. So I thought, you know what? Very nice. Thank you very much. I will.
7:25 Speaker 01 The other half live. Well, I still, I can't get anything. If anything sits in the communal hallway for longer than seven minutes of mine, it is still stolen.
7:32 Speaker 02 Stop.
7:33 Speaker 01 And I'm starting to think it's not, I think, I think the call might be coming from inside the house, if you know what I mean.
7:40 Speaker 02 I wouldn't, do you know, I wouldn't be surprised if Svenny had a bit of an incident.
7:44 Speaker 01 Did he?
7:45 Speaker 02 With somebody. Yeah, two of our, we ordered Zap and Svenny was like, it's Zap is like a grocery app.
7:54 Speaker 02 And we ordered Zap and I was like, Svenny, I was, I was waiting to make eggs, basically. So I was waiting on my eggs. And he was like, the eggs got delivered.
8:00 Speaker 01 As for, as a woman in your 40s, no protein is a huge priority. I'm delighted to hear it.
8:04 Speaker 02 Delicious. I wanted eggs in a cup. That's what I wanted. And, and so he was like, they got delivered an hour ago. And I was like, well, they're not here. And he was like, they said they were delivered to this other place. And I was like, how weird. So we ordered them again, again. They, they went. And so Svenny ended up knocking on the door and they were like, we're on a call. And he was like, why are you taking in my groceries? Like you, you didn't order groceries. Stop taking my groceries.
8:29 Speaker 01 Well, it's, it's theft, really. I mean, it's not like, you're not minding something like it's theft. Joe, what do you, have you, how's your postal system? How's your postal situation?
8:38 Speaker 03 Oh, we've got nice neighbours. I belong to a WhatsApp group, but I have it archived and it catches me out every now and again. Cause a neighbour will go, you come into the barbecue on Saturday. And I'll go, what barbecue on Saturday? And they go, don't worry.
8:50 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
8:52 Speaker 03 And then it's sort of awkward.
8:53 Speaker 01 Yeah. Yeah. But I think, to be fair, Joe, in your defence, I would say most people have their neighbourly WhatsApp group muted.
9:00 Speaker 02 I fear if I joined one of them, I would turn into, I'd be the one that everybody would be bitching about. We've got to do, we've got to do something about the pigeons.
9:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be you. Yeah.
9:10 Speaker 03 Just shoot them.
9:13 Speaker 01 Absolutely. Yeah, with the machine gun in the communal garden.
9:17 Speaker 02 I was at our, I was at our new house today and there's been progress. I actually commended the builders. I didn't want to go too far because I don't want them getting ahead of themselves.
9:25 Speaker 01 But I said, lads. Something has happened.
9:28 Speaker 02 I'm impressed here. The walls are down. The place is looking magnificent.
9:32 Speaker 01 Wow.
9:33 Speaker 02 I had an interiors person over me. It's all go on the western front, as my mother would say.
9:41 Speaker 01 I think that's a world, is that World War Two? No, it's, it's all quiet on the western front. Is that not what the saying is?
9:47 Speaker 02 No, I, I, sorry. This is Sandra Wilson's saying, it's all go on the western front.
9:53 Speaker 01 I'm pretty sure it was like that. Wasn't that something to do with World War Two? And.
10:00 Speaker 03 All Quiet on the Western Front is a novel, a German novel from 1928 about the First World War.
10:06 Speaker 01 There you go. Sandra, she's hit the nail on the head there.
10:09 Speaker 02 It's all, it's all go in Sandra's world on the western front.
10:14 Speaker 01 Love it.
10:16 Speaker 01 Good woman, Sandra.
10:18 Speaker 02 It's terrible. I ring Neil. I'll ring Neil sometimes and I'm like, oh, what are you up to? And then I'm like, oh, it's Thursday. He's sitting having a coffee in the shopping centre while he waits for my mom for the next three hours. I'm like, that's why he answered his phone so fast.
10:31 Speaker 01 It's a dream. Sorry. Like it's, I, I, and I don't wish ill health on Sandra, but if she does go before Neil, I'll swoop in.
10:42 Speaker 02 Imagine you were my.
10:44 Speaker 01 Fantastic husband. And then I'll raise you.
10:48 Speaker 02 You'll raise me right and I'll be dragged up by Sandra, raised right by Joanne.
10:53 Speaker 01 I'll raise you properly, Vogue. Amber's a lost cause, but you, I think there's still, I think I could, I think I could do good work there.
11:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, Amber's definitely gone. So, and my favourite thing about Amber is when she likes to describe a night out. And you know what I'm like when people have had a night out, Joanne? I'm ringing around to see what time it ended.
11:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:11 Speaker 02 What went on?
11:12 Speaker 01 Yeah. There's a, I'm the same. I love to ring around really early in the morning while I'm out sprinting through the common. I'm like, are you in bits, are you? How late was it? Yeah, it was really late. Yeah.
11:23 Speaker 02 It's mental health. Okay. No, I didn't think so. No. Well, that's what you guess.
11:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:28 Speaker 02 Amber went to the, Amber went to the PIP Star Wars and she's like, home by two. And I'm like, oh yeah. Do you remember getting home at two? Because I know who put you in a taxi. She's like, that's not true.
11:42 Speaker 04 Shaq here. What's it like to buy a car from Carvana 100% online and get it delivered to your door? Let me tell you. Your car is here, Mr. Shaq. Thank you, Mr. Carvana guy. Can't wait to take it for a spin. Only the best for you, Mr. Shaq. Hey, have you always been so big, tall and handsome? Not always. I was 6'10" once. Seven days to love it or return it, Mr. Shaq. Not that I would. You never do. No, I never do. So buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply. See our seven day return policy at carvana.com.
12:16 Speaker 01 A friend of mine, they have, they're off the booze, as we'd say, they're on the dry. And they're, and they're making great strides with it all. And I'm very, very proud of them. And I am kind of
12:26 Speaker 02 Thank you.
12:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, well done, Vogue. Actually, you haven't said it, but well done.
12:37 Speaker 01 Well, I appreciate it. Yeah. Wait till the people see the real you, Vogue. Don't wait. When the camera scans out and there's all these bongs and crack pipes on the shelves behind you. And I'm like, I told you, it was all a farce.
12:52 Speaker 02 I said to Amber, I was like, I can't help it. Like, I don't smoke when I'm not pregnant. I have the odd one when I'm drinking, but I don't like, I'm not a smoker. But like the smell of smoke when I'm pregnant, I'm like, I'm just like, I, I, I don't like the smell of smoke off people when I'm not pregnant. But this baby likes the smell of old dank smoke off people's clothes.
13:14 Speaker 01 This is disgusting.
13:16 Speaker 02 I know.
13:17 Speaker 01 Is that a craving?
13:18 Speaker 02 I think my dad is being reincarnated.
13:21 Speaker 01 Oh, of course. Yes. That makes sense. Freddie's back. Yeah, the baby's gonna come out smoking a cigar.
13:32 Speaker 02 Twenty lads.
13:33 Speaker 01 I smoked up a storm on trailers, but it was literally just out of, I was like, I'm smoking because they were just long days. And you were like, there's just, you know, you're kind of like breaking up the time. But then I was like, Joanne, this is like, it's really, you know, I know I haven't, I'm not, I'm not the first one to bring this information to the table. It's really bad for you.
13:50 Speaker 02 I know, but I did it in the jungle. I was smoking.
13:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
13:54 Speaker 02 And, and the, the security guards were like, God, it's a busy day at the office for you, Vogue. You came in here not smoking. Then I'm like, I'm back.
14:01 Speaker 01 I know. It's literally, it just kind of eats into a bit of standing around time. And there is always a lot of standing around time with TV. It's kind of, you know, there's a lot of resetting of cameras.
14:10 Speaker 02 To be on your own.
14:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:12 Speaker 02 You're not on your, well, you were on your own more than I would have been on my own. I was never on my own.
14:16 Speaker 01 Well, I was out smoking with Jerry Hall.
14:18 Speaker 02 I heard. A journalist came up to me at the BAFTAs and was like, and was like, Joanna's really good friends with Jerry Hall. I was like, yes. He was like, she's always outside. She's always outside smoking with her. And I was like, yes.
14:31 Speaker 01 Jerry was hell. Well, I, I mean, obviously everyone adores Jerry Hall. She is iconic. But I think she had a big birthday party and we were all, she was telling us all about it and everyone was like, did anyone get the nod?
14:41 Speaker 02 Did anyone get the nod?
14:43 Speaker 01 Of course we didn't. Jerry's gone back to her glamorous life and, actually I was gonna say Texas. She actually lives in the UK.
14:48 Speaker 03 In July, she's going to be 70.
14:51 Speaker 01 She's going 70 in July, Vogue. God, you didn't get, you didn't get a nod to the 70 at Joanna's? Listen, there's still time. There's still time.
14:57 Speaker 02 What was the point of doing the traders? Like, this is meaningless. I asked you to be friends with one person.
15:03 Speaker 01 I know. It's Jerry Hall.
15:05 Speaker 02 We have emails, Joanna. Are you prepared for an email?
15:10 Speaker 01 I believe so.
15:11 Speaker 02 It's called, okay, your work situation ship or younger lads love it?
15:17 Speaker 01 Ew. Why did I have, why did I have an immediate repulsive reaction to that last caption?
15:23 Speaker 03 Not that young.
15:25 Speaker 02 My kids, we play.
15:29 Speaker 01 My God, Jo.
15:31 Speaker 03 Young, not in a problematic sense.
15:32 Speaker 01 It's no investing these emails. You're just banging them all through to Vogue.
15:37 Speaker 02 We play, we play would you rather on the way to school, right? And Gigi was like, and we play like, would you rather get in a bath full of vomit or a bath full of crickets? That kind of stuff. And then Gigi comes out with, would you rather marry a child or marry an adult?
15:52 Speaker 01 I was like, hang on, Gigi. I'm gonna have to explain something to you here. That is hilarious.
16:00 Speaker 02 Gets dark the way to school.
16:02 Speaker 01 She's keeping across global news and taking in information from Afghanistan. Good for her, Gigi. Maybe, maybe she's gonna be a political journalist.
16:11 Speaker 02 Quite possibly.
16:12 Speaker 01 In heels. We'd love to see it.
16:14 Speaker 02 Okay. Okay, here we go. Hi girlos, I turned thirty seven in December and since then, my libido has been through the roof. Hmm. Interesting. I have been constantly hooking up with younger men, one to four a week. And have learned a lot. How the fuck, like, how is that happening? I tried really hard.
16:37 Speaker 01 One to four a week?
16:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, when I was single, I tried really hard. I got one in six months.
16:45 Speaker 01 One to four, okay, read on, read on.
16:48 Speaker 02 For starters, most of them are really respectful and bring their own condoms. They love a full bush and leg hair.
16:56 Speaker 01 Okay.
16:57 Speaker 02 Really ripped ones with abs are attracted to my belly and stretch marks. I want to spread the word that this is a viable option for those in their thirties. Cause I mean, it's not like you're, you're turning ninety here, you're thirty seven. Cause it's so much fun. It's been such a journey. Happy to answer questions. Please keep me anonymous for obvious reasons.
17:19 Speaker 01 To answer questions? What are we, what are we two frigid owens?
17:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
17:26 Speaker 01 She's like, hey girl.
17:27 Speaker 02 When was the last time you got the right?
17:29 Speaker 01 She's like, just flagging that I have a sex life, Joanne, you clearly don't. Happy to answer any questions.
17:34 Speaker 02 I haven't told, I haven't told anyone else in my life because of religious guilt. Okay. So what happens then?
17:42 Speaker 01 They are a new generation of, our generation of men, they are as brainwashed and traumatised as we are. Cause they were raised on all this weird, they're like, we, I know we were victims of heroin chic, but I, men were also brainwashed into thinking that was like hot and sexy. Whereas now they're a new generation, they're young, they, they're not raised on that, they're, they're more progressive, I would say, than our generation of men, do you know what I mean?
18:04 Speaker 02 I think, I, I think everyone's into different body types. It doesn't, like, you don't have to be one body type for.
18:11 Speaker 01 No, of course, but I think our jet, like, the men who are our age were as brainwashed as we were. And like, I think when, when skinniness was fetishised so much, that now, I do think that has shifted. And it's obviously, it's as, as playing out in men's tastes as well, which is fantastic. I don't know what I'm saying. Does any of this make sense?
18:31 Speaker 02 I know, yeah, it does. I would like to end that with, I forgot to tell you, I have an arse now. My arse has grown, like, it's like a good arse.
18:40 Speaker 01 Congratulations.
18:41 Speaker 02 Didn't have to do anything. It's not like it was working out, it just has grown.
18:44 Speaker 01 It's a great reason to have a child.
18:46 Speaker 02 I'm absolutely thrilled. I don't know what I'll miss more, the boobs or the arse. I don't know.
18:51 Speaker 01 I did, I did, I did see a trotting past there the other day. I said, Jesus, someone's had a BBL.
18:56 Speaker 02 I'm only telling you this because I got out of the chair there and I caught a glimpse of it in the mirror and I was like, holy shit, who went on Saturn? It was me.
19:02 Speaker 01 Good for you, though.
19:04 Speaker 02 Thank you. Oh, by the way, my book is out on paperback. Here she is. Big Mouth. Supposedly people wait around for paperback. I'm, I'm just too impatient, but if you have been waiting for the paperback, Big Mouth is out now.
19:18 Speaker 01 I spend a lot of time in airports. I often buy books in airport shops and I would not buy a hardback because I'm like, there's no, I'm not dragging that around Australia for a month. So I would usually, I usually, I'd be more drawn to a softback.
19:32 Speaker 02 They're much chea-, well, no, they're much cheaper as well. But I was in the airport the other day and I went to buy this book and she told me my bill. I was finding the crisps and sweets as well. Thirty quid. I was like, I'm not paying thirty quid for that book. I put it back.
19:46 Speaker 01 Yeah. Good for you, supporting your fellow writers.
19:51 Speaker 03 But do go out and buy my paperback.
19:53 Speaker 02 I will, I will wait for the paperback. Paperback is ten ninety-nine. I'm not paying thirty quid for a book.
20:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, no.
20:00 Speaker 02 Ten ninety-nine paperback.
20:02 Speaker 01 Anyway, congratulations on the paperback.
20:04 Speaker 02 I'm sure you're.
20:05 Speaker 01 And, and, and the arse.
20:07 Speaker 02 Thank you very much. I appreciate that.
20:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:10 Speaker 02 It's been a good week for me all round.
20:15 Speaker 00 This has been a Global Player original production.
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