MFM Minisode 415

This week’s hometowns include trying to enjoy a picnic and hanging out at a mall in the ‘80s.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is exactly right.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  OnDeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team, or bridging cash flow gaps, OnDeck's loans up to $400,000 help make it happen fast. Rated A+ by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of 5-star TrustPilot reviews, OnDeck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in minutes at ondeck.com. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 0:39Speaker 02

  She'd throw things, wander, and started hoarding. Mom's Alzheimer's was already so hard, but then we found out she had agitation that may happen with dementia due to Alzheimer's disease. And that was a different kind of difficult. So we asked her doctor for more help.

• 0:54Speaker 03

  Seeing symptoms like these in a loved one? It could be time to ask their doctor about Rexulti, Rexipir's All Too Milligrams, the first FDA-approved treatment for this condition. Rexulti is proven to reduce agitation symptoms. Rexulti should not be used as an as-needed treatment. Elderly people with dementia-related psychosis have increased risk of death or stroke. Report fever, stiff muscles, and confusion, which can be life-threatening, or uncontrolled muscle movements, which may be permanent. High blood sugar can lead to coma or death. Weight gain, increased cholesterol, unusual urges, dizziness on standing, falls, seizures, trouble swallowing, or sleepiness may occur. Learn more about these and other side effects at rexulti.com. Tap ad for PI.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  I'm glad I asked for help.

• 1:31Speaker 03

  Ask your loved one's doctor about Rexulti.

• 1:52Georgia Hardstark?

  Hello! Hello! And welcome to My Favorite Murder. The mini-so. Here it is, all cute and mini. You want to go first? Sure. Okay, I'm not going to tell you the name of this one. All right. Hey, team. My husband and I bought our very first house in the middle of COVID lockdown, just over four years ago now. We had a three-year-old and a new baby, and despite these amazing milestones in our lives, it was a strange time to be alive. One thing that made life slightly less cabin fever-y was the park behind our house. By park, I mean biggish rocky hill at the top of which is a beautiful Gary Oak Meadow. Gary Oaks are gnarly, scraggly, Tim Burton trees, but the creepy factor is offset by the wildflowers

• 2:37Georgia Hardstark?

  that grow between them, crocuses, daffodils, fawn lily, and camas. Pretty spectacular stuff. One day, my husband and I had a rare opportunity to go out alone together. Seizing the moment, we got takeout Vietnamese subs and, avoiding the plague, we took them to the summit of our hill. It was a gorgeous spring day, the creepy trees were creeping, and crocuses were in full bloom. We walked past a gathering of 15 people or so, weird to see so many people in one spot in those days, who were perched in a circle at the top of a small cliff overlooking the city. They had a bunch of acoustic guitars, so we veered hard to the left.

• 3:19Georgia Hardstark?

  Not thinking much about it, except that we wanted some alone time, unsullied by tragic covers of Imagine and Hallelujah, we headed down to a nice lookout spot nestled under the cliff, sort of semi-private. We tucked into our banh mi, so delicious, and were generally feeling pretty happy. The guitars had started up, but the view was nice, so we didn't mind. Until, black stuff started sprinkling down from the sky all around us. Uh oh. We looked up, confused, to the cliff above. It took us a second before we realized that the gathering was a COVID-friendly funeral. Oh, my god. And they were shaking someone's cremains onto our picnic.

• 4:05Georgia Hardstark?

  Can you even fucking imagine? Onto our beautiful banh

• 4:09Karen Kilgariff?

  Vietnamese sandwiches.

• 4:11Georgia Hardstark?

  And like during COVID too.

• 4:15Georgia Hardstark?

  We got up and ran quietly and respectfully and very fucking fast, directly all the way home and into the shower. Worst of all, we had to throw out those delicious subs. And I mean, you know, Vietnamese subs are everything with that soft white loaf and all that cilantro and mayo and green chilies. Sorry, writing while hungry. Needless to say, date night was cut short.

• 4:37Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, I bet.

• 4:38Georgia Hardstark?

  Like just this desperate grab for one moment together alone and.

• 4:43Karen Kilgariff?

  And what you get is a dead body sprinkled on top of you.

• 4:46Georgia Hardstark?

  That's right. In any case, I first heard your lovely voices around the same time as the ruined picnic. And binging the episodes in reverse order was another tool I used to keep sane during pandemic times. I am a midwife with a medical degree and not a whiff of patchouli about me. And I remember at the time, having to attend prenatal clinic visits, births and home visits in swimming goggles and homemade trash bag gowns, as there was a shortage on PPE on our island and nothing left for us to use to protect ourselves.

• 5:17Karen Kilgariff?

  So scary.

• 5:18Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. Says, what a fucking time.

• 5:20Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 5:21Georgia Hardstark?

  You kept me afloat and have kept me company through so many of life's twists and turns in the years that have followed. I am grateful.

• 5:28Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh.

• 5:29Georgia Hardstark?

  Take good care, stay sexy and don't have a picnic at a funeral. Megan. And then it says, just Megan spelled weird, because it's spelled weird. She, her.

• 5:39Karen Kilgariff?

  Megan, that's a story for the ages. I mean, that's an anecdote that you're going to be able to pull out at any dinner party when people are like trading great stories back and forth. And you're like, okay, well, everybody sit down because it's my time to shine.

• 5:52Georgia Hardstark?

  Definitely. This is going to be her grandchildren are going to write in this hometown to whoever is hosting my favorite murder in fucking 25 years from now.

• 6:02Karen Kilgariff?

  Good lord.

• 6:03Georgia Hardstark?

  And be like, that was my grandma.

• 6:05Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, my god.

• 6:06Georgia Hardstark?

  Spelled weird was my grandma.

• 6:08Karen Kilgariff?

  My mom was pregnant with me during that story, which had cremines sprinkled on her.

• 6:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, god.

• 6:13Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, shit. Okay, amazing kickoff. I think I have a good follow up here.

• 6:18Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay.

• 6:19Karen Kilgariff?

  I won't read you the subject line. And the opening is "My Favorite People."

• 6:24Georgia Hardstark?

  Hmm.

• 6:25Karen Kilgariff?

  I'm currently at work, listening to Minnesota 401, which is listener Catherine's story of being a 10-year-old bartender. I can't top that, but I remembered my experience as a receptionist for my school district for one morning at 11-years-old.

• 6:40Georgia Hardstark?

  All right.

• 6:41Karen Kilgariff?

  It would have been a totally banal story, had I not received two rather unfortunate calls within the same five minutes. So, for some brief background, my middle school and the elementary school where my mom teaches were connected. So when Mrs. West, the receptionist for both schools, was unable to cover the phone lines one morning, the "logical option" was for the 11-year-old to do it, as I was already in my mom's classroom, waiting for homeroom to start. I was asked to cover the phones until 10:00 a.m., instead of going to my first few classes.

• 7:16Georgia Hardstark?

  What the fuck?

• 7:17Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 7:17Georgia Hardstark?

  That's a job. They have temp agencies, so you can call adults in to do that.

• 7:23Karen Kilgariff?

  It's a professional job where important things happen.

• 7:27Georgia Hardstark?

  Totally.

• 7:28Karen Kilgariff?

  It's schools and children and like, what?

• 7:31Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, there's like, training. That's done.

• 7:33Karen Kilgariff?

  Also, who were the other children that were up for the job that she got it over them? I would love to know.

• 7:40Georgia Hardstark?

  I just can't imagine, like, getting a voicemail or leaving a message wouldn't have been more useful than an 11-year-old answering the fucking phones.

• 7:47Karen Kilgariff?

  Right.

• 7:47Georgia Hardstark?

  You know?

• 7:48Karen Kilgariff?

  Unless it was one of those sassy, kind of Quinn Cummings 11-year-olds that's kind of like, calls their parents by their first name, you know?

• 7:55Georgia Hardstark?

  No-nonsense. Yeah, okay.

• 7:57Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah. Old soul.

• 7:58Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. Big sister, kind of a thing.

• 8:01Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah. "I'm in charge." Okay, so about 7:30 a.m., I got a call from a substitute teacher who had just gotten in a car accident and wouldn't be able to make it in. I remember floundering immediately, there being no protocol for how to do any components of the job, let alone handle a fairly serious issue. I ascertained the man was not hurt, and I let him know that I'd pass along his message to someone, literally anyone else.

• 8:26Karen Kilgariff?

  They handled it.

• 8:27Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 8:27Karen Kilgariff?

  That's handling it.

• 8:28Georgia Hardstark?

  I will let an older person know.

• 8:29Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah. What more do you want me to do?

• 8:32Georgia Hardstark?

  Literally.

• 8:33Karen Kilgariff?

  We can't turn back the hands of time.

• 8:36Georgia Hardstark?

  Do you have insurance? That's all I can ask.

• 8:38Karen Kilgariff?

  That's, well, then you've done your part.

• 8:40Georgia Hardstark?

  Right.

• 8:40Karen Kilgariff?

  Nerves a buzz and getting sweaty, I tried to calm myself down in preparation for the next couple of hours. Then the phone rang again. This time, the man on the other end immediately launched into a tirade about being underpaid. "I'm a teacher there and I need more money. What are you gonna do about it?" he demanded.

• 8:56Georgia Hardstark?

  What?

• 8:57Karen Kilgariff?

  Nearly in tears, I blurted out, "I'm just Alyssa. I don't even work here."

• 9:02Georgia Hardstark?

  I'm just Alyssa. Oh.

• 9:06Karen Kilgariff?

  Had I not been in such a state of anxiety, I might have recognized the voice of my math teacher calling to play a prank on me.

• 9:13Georgia Hardstark?

  Fuck you, adult.

• 9:17Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, within a few more seconds, he realized I was not recognizing the joke and said, "Alyssa, it's Mr. Bridger." Friends, I think I hung up on him. To this day, I don't remember. Thankfully, nothing bad actually happened and I returned to my normal sixth grade scholarly pursuits. I have to say, I very clearly remember being in sixth grade because that was when I realized, like, oh, I love to read aloud in class.

• 9:42Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:43Karen Kilgariff?

  Here's what I like. Here's what I like. So like, if somebody came down and was like, "You answer the phone for the day," I would have been seventh heaven.

• 9:49Georgia Hardstark?

  You're like, here I am and I'm gonna get the job, too.

• 9:52Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 9:53Georgia Hardstark?

  This is your new job.

• 9:54Karen Kilgariff?

  I got hit.

• 9:54Georgia Hardstark?

  I was also thinking about prankster teachers and what they were like, too.

• 9:58Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:59Georgia Hardstark?

  That was, that was a type.

• 10:01Karen Kilgariff?

  That was a type that no one questioned at the time.

• 10:03Georgia Hardstark?

  Exactly. I don't think you can do that anymore.

• 10:05Karen Kilgariff?

  I don't either.

• 10:06Georgia Hardstark?

  I don't think they want adults pranking children anymore.

• 10:09Karen Kilgariff?

  I think Mr. Bridger would have been sued to high heaven.

• 10:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Fucking loo- rightfully.

• 10:14Karen Kilgariff?

  So Alyssa goes on to say, "But I learned a few lessons that day, not the least of which is that I'm riddled with anxiety and that you should be wary of adults, even the ones that are underpaid, to teach and mentor you." More so, probably.

• 10:29Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 10:29Karen Kilgariff?

  "Anyway, thanks for being the source of many laughs and my companions threw some tears. Oh, and what am I even doing right now? Reconciling spreadsheets as a compensation analyst, trying to determine equitable pay rates for new hires at my local university."

• 10:44Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh.

• 10:45Karen Kilgariff?

  "Maybe Mr. Bridger's mild harangue was more impactful than I thought." SSDGM Alyssa. How awesome is that?

• 10:52Georgia Hardstark?

  Wow.

• 10:54Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 10:54Georgia Hardstark?

  What a, that is a good little button.

• 10:56Karen Kilgariff?

  Everything that happens to us affects us somehow.

• 11:01Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 11:01Karen Kilgariff?

  The butterfly effect by Alyssa.

• 11:04Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh my God.

• 11:07Georgia Hardstark?

  The holidays are coming, which means we'll all be spending more time away from home.

• 11:11Karen Kilgariff?

  Whether you're visiting family or doing something actually fun, you want to know your home is protected while you're away.

• 11:16Georgia Hardstark?

  That's why now is a good time to think about home security with SimpliSafe.

• 11:20Karen Kilgariff?

  Unlike traditional security systems that alert you after a break in starts, SimpliSafe is designed to help stop intruders before they get inside. These days, you're worried about your house, you're out of town, and then something comes up and you get to look on your phone and SimpliSafe is going to show you not only the video of like, it's a raccoon at your front door, but also that they have staff that's sitting there, they already know. And if it was something different or worse, they would have already been on it.

• 11:46Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, I really think that's invaluable peace of mind that just like relying on your neighbors, paying attention is not going to give you. We've partnered with SimpliSafe to offer our listeners their biggest savings of the year. 70% off your new system with professional monitoring when you visit simplisafe.com/mfm.

• 12:03Karen Kilgariff?

  That's simplisafe.com/mfm. And when you order, write in MFM at checkout and it tells them we sent you and it really helps the show.

• 12:10Georgia Hardstark?

  SimpliSafe, ahead of crime in real time.

• 12:13Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye. Nothing makes you take a good, hard look at your furniture like inviting people over for the holidays.

• 12:19Georgia Hardstark?

  So give your home a little holiday upgrade with Article.

• 12:22Karen Kilgariff?

  Article makes it effortless to create a stylish, long-lasting home at an unbeatable price.

• 12:27Georgia Hardstark?

  They take great care in curating their collection, focusing on pieces that stand the test of time. There's no filler. Every item is chosen for its craftsmanship, design, and lasting value.

• 12:36Karen Kilgariff?

  And with Article's 30-day satisfaction guarantee, you can shop with confidence, knowing that if you're not completely in love with your new furniture, you can easily return it.

• 12:45Georgia Hardstark?

  Plus, Article's customer care team is available seven days a week. I know we're getting into fall and winter, but we live in Los Angeles, so my outdoor furniture is just like the perfect focal point for the pool parties we still end up having. Sorry, everyone. When it's like sunny and gorgeous year round. I sit on my Article patio furniture every morning and have my coffee and watch Cookie Lay in the sun and the whole thing is just so peaceful and pretty. Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.

• 13:14Karen Kilgariff?

  To claim, visit article.com/murder and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.

• 13:20Georgia Hardstark?

  That's article.com/murder for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.

• 13:25Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye. The most annoying thing about dinner is that you have to keep making it.

• 13:29Georgia Hardstark?

  And every single time, you have to figure out what you're going to eat.

• 13:32Karen Kilgariff?

  It's time to take some of that work off your plate with Hungry Root.

• 13:35Georgia Hardstark?

  Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped into one. They'll take care of the weekly grocery shopping and recommend groceries and meals tailored to you. It's so nice having Hungry Root just take care of the thinking part of dinner because I swear, like every 10 minutes of my life is what's for dinner? I'm so sick of it. And so I love when you can just open your fridge and be like, okay, great. We have roasted chicken with fries and broccoli from Hungry Root. Or Wagyu ribeye steak with Green Goddess potatoes. Great, let's go with that. I don't want to think about it. That sounds amazing and it's easy.

• 14:10Karen Kilgariff?

  It's easy and it's good for you. You're not just ordering another pizza. You're gonna love Hungry Root.

• 14:15Georgia Hardstark?

  For a love at a time, get 40% off your first order, plus get a free item in every box for life.

• 14:20Karen Kilgariff?

  Go to hungryroot.com/mfm and use code MFM.

• 14:23Georgia Hardstark?

  That's hungryroot.com/mfm, code MFM to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

• 14:31Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye.

• 14:34Georgia Hardstark?

  Committing felonies for the sake of lesbians is the next one. Just starts. When I was in high school in the late 90s, I had a girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me. So fucking cool, right?

• 14:45Karen Kilgariff?

  Right.

• 14:46Georgia Hardstark?

  We looked similar enough that I could pass using her ID. And then it says queer in case the math ain't mathing.

• 14:53Karen Kilgariff?

  Please state it loud and proud.

• 14:54Georgia Hardstark?

  We'd like to know. She ended up giving me a non-driver ID so I could buy cigarettes. We broke up shortly after I graduated and I held on to that ID awaiting her upcoming 21st birthday. Unfortunately for me, it expired on that very day. And with it, so did my dream of getting into Tootsie's, the lesbian bar. Tootsie's.

• 15:16Karen Kilgariff?

  Such a good name.

• 15:18Georgia Hardstark?

  Well, unless there was another way. Ah, yes, yet another brilliant idea formulated in my underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. What if I just renewed the expired ID? It says, before I continue, I do want to acknowledge that identity theft is a serious and devastating crime. However, stealing her identity was never my intent. My ex also knew about my plan and was fine with it. In today's world, that sounds crazy, but this was just at a time that most people didn't think about protecting their identity.

• 15:46Karen Kilgariff?

  Disclaimer.

• 15:47Georgia Hardstark?

  Disclaimer. We're back in.

• 15:48Karen Kilgariff?

  Member FDIC.

• 15:50Georgia Hardstark?

  Clearly, identity protection was not a top priority for the DMV either. At that time in my state, they didn't require you to bring a birth certificate, provide your social security number, or proof of residency, which is hilarious because I'm trying to get like my new driver's license and I can't bring enough paperwork to prove who I am and even though I already have a legit driver's license.

• 16:10Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 16:11Georgia Hardstark?

  Like, they do not believe me because my middle name is in some stuff and not in others.

• 16:16Karen Kilgariff?

  Right.

• 16:16Georgia Hardstark?

  Like, what the fuck?

• 16:17Karen Kilgariff?

  They're like, can you bring in three gas bills? And it's like, no, I don't. What are you talking about? I don't get paper gas bills anymore.

• 16:24Georgia Hardstark?

  Right. Can you bring people that you knew in elementary school? No, I'm not friends with them anymore. Like.

• 16:30Karen Kilgariff?

  Can you bring in your own soul in a jar?

• 16:33Georgia Hardstark?

  Right.

• 16:33Karen Kilgariff?

  Prove that you're a human being.

• 16:35Georgia Hardstark?

  Bring in your inner child.

• 16:36Karen Kilgariff?

  Please.

• 16:36Georgia Hardstark?

  Then it says, a vague resemblance to the expired ID was literally the only identification I needed to renew it. What a contrast from today's DMV experience. Within a matter of 20 minutes, I had my photo taken, paid $10, and was handed back the expired ID along with a brand new, non-driver identification card with my photo. It says, yes, Gen Z, they used to print them on location. And yes, I went to Tootsie's a lot.

• 17:07Karen Kilgariff?

  Hell, yeah.

• 17:08Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, you did. But just a few months later, I was leaving a liquor store, vodka in hand, and an undercover officer approached me. He said I looked young and wanted to scan my ID. No problem, right? After all, it was valid and it was my photo. Except there was a problem. Apparently, my ex had a warrant for her arrest.

• 17:27Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, shit.

• 17:30Georgia Hardstark?

  It was something trivial, like unpaid parking tickets. I momentarily contemplated going to jail as her. That's like, how bad she wanted to keep that fucking ID.

• 17:38Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, really.

• 17:39Georgia Hardstark?

  Thankfully, I came to my senses and informed the officer that it wasn't my ID and handed over mine. He stood there looking at both IDs, obviously confused at how much we, quote, "looked alike." In the end, I received a couple tickets and he confiscated the ID. Tootsie was so short-lived.

• 17:55Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh.

• 17:56Georgia Hardstark?

  Unless, I'm not even fucking joking, I went and renewed the original expired ID again. Fucking diabolical teenager, I love it.

• 18:08Karen Kilgariff?

  Cannot be kept away from Tootsie's in any way, shape, or form.

• 18:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Tootsie's must have been epic.

• 18:14Karen Kilgariff?

  But I mean, like, any bar, when you're that age, it's like, any bar, of course. But then if you live in a town, if you're a queer person, you live in a town where it's like, "Oh no, we'll all be meeting here."

• 18:24Georgia Hardstark?

  Right.

• 18:25Karen Kilgariff?

  Then hell yes.

• 18:26Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, fucking, you must.

• 18:28Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes.

• 18:29Georgia Hardstark?

  I only had one other incident using it. I was unknowingly carded at a liquor store by my ex's ex. She took one look at the name, which wasn't common, and birthdate, and immediately knew something was weird. Her coworker got involved, and since the photo was actually me, he handed it back and let me leave. I was so confused, but soon after, I got a call from my ex explaining that it was her ex that had just carded me. In my late teens and early twenties, I was wild and impulsive, which quickly became reckless and dangerous. Thankfully, my friends and family never gave up on me and carried me to the other side. I am now 18 years sober.

• 19:06Karen Kilgariff?

  Wow, wow, congratulations.

• 19:09Georgia Hardstark?

  This podcast reminds me that while my struggles and trauma may be unique to me, they are not unique to the human experience. That sentiment helps me find gratitude, have more compassion, and be accountable.

• 19:21Karen Kilgariff?

  Wow.

• 19:22Georgia Hardstark?

  Fuck, that's, that's a lot to get from these two gals.

• 19:25Karen Kilgariff?

  From this bullshit.

• 19:28Georgia Hardstark?

  I'll take it.

• 19:29Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, really.

• 19:30Georgia Hardstark?

  MFM is a safe place for so many. Thank you for its creation. Keep sharing stories and their truths. And as always, stay sexy and don't grow up too fast. Also, don't commit felonies. Bridget, she/her.

• 19:43Karen Kilgariff?

  Bridget, brilliant, beautiful, right on target for what we're looking for, for a story of any kind.

• 19:50Georgia Hardstark?

  Exactly.

• 19:51Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh damn, it's so funny. Yeah, that was great. Okay, this one, the subject line is Glory Days, the Mall. And it says, hi there, I just listened to episode 447. Up until Karen got to the utter tragedy that occurred at the Sun Valley Mall, it made me very nostalgic for my mall rat days. Picture it, Des Moines, Iowa, 1985. I'm 11 years old and frequently skulk around the mall in my parachute pants, striped untucked Oxford, and knit tie that keenly accentuated my amazing mullet and feathered bangs.

• 20:23Georgia Hardstark?

  Ooh, time and place.

• 20:25Karen Kilgariff?

  Top tier. For some reason, they decided to open a water slide in the mall called the Hydro Tube.

• 20:33Georgia Hardstark?

  Indoor water slide in the middle of a mall in Des Moines.

• 20:37Karen Kilgariff?

  In Des Moines. It says, I personally never went on the water slide. And then in parentheses, I had far more pressing things to spend my money on, such as cigarettes, french fries, and shitty earrings from Claire's that always caused infections in my delicate lobes. It says, the Hydro Tube didn't last long. It closed only six months after opening. There remain rumors and urban legends that somebody died in the slide. But I think it really closed because, one, a water slide in a mall in Iowa is a dumb idea. And, two, the maintenance was unwieldy.

• 21:09Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, the black mold. My god.

• 21:12Karen Kilgariff?

  And also, like, if it was 1985, there's a chance that it's like Action Park-style water slide, where maybe the dip was too steep, you know what I mean?

• 21:23Georgia Hardstark?

  Yep, you just go crashing into like the Precious Moments store or something like that.

• 21:30Karen Kilgariff?

  I went on to work at Things Remembered. That's right, the kiosk in the mall between Tom McCann Shoes and Pet World, famous for engraved ID bracelets and door knockers. And that was in the 90s. By then having ditched my mullet for massive aqua netted bangs and replaced my parachute pants with rayon hammer pants. And then it just says, "The kids today will just never know."

• 21:51Georgia Hardstark?

  Nope, I had hammer pants.

• 21:53Karen Kilgariff?

  You did?

• 21:54Georgia Hardstark?

  Absolutely, had hammer, like, straight up, you know, like elastic waist hammer pants.

• 21:59Karen Kilgariff?

  And could you do the dance?

• 22:01Georgia Hardstark?

  I tried real hard.

• 22:04Karen Kilgariff?

  Out on the playground?

• 22:05Georgia Hardstark?

  That's right.

• 22:07Karen Kilgariff?

  It says, "The kids today will just never know Leonie."

• 22:10Georgia Hardstark?

  Wow.

• 22:11Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes.

• 22:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Time and place.

• 22:13Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, sorry, there's a PS.

• 22:15Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh.

• 22:16Karen Kilgariff?

  PS, I grew up with a dog named Cookie. In fact, most of our pets were named after snacks.

• 22:24Georgia Hardstark?

  I love that.

• 22:25Karen Kilgariff?

  I know.

• 22:26Georgia Hardstark?

  That was a snack names for animals is great.

• 22:28Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, and necessary.

• 22:30Georgia Hardstark?

  So necessary. Noodle, what else is there?

• 22:33Karen Kilgariff?

  Our first dog was named Pepsi.

• 22:35Georgia Hardstark?

  Pepsi's perfect. Pepsi's perfect. Pepsi perfect.

• 22:37Karen Kilgariff?

  Pepsi's perfect, and that's why I picked Blossom when I was looking on the dog rescue website, because she looked, she had the same vibe as Pepsi. She had like a white wire hair terrier mutt. And we brought her back.

• 22:51Georgia Hardstark?

  Sweet.

• 22:52Karen Kilgariff?

  I know.

• 22:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Blossom.

• 22:54Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, Blossom.

• 22:55Georgia Hardstark?

  She's an angel. The holidays are coming, which means we'll all be spending more time away from home.

• 23:01Karen Kilgariff?

  Whether you're visiting family or doing something actually fun, you want to know your home is protected while you're away.

• 23:07Georgia Hardstark?

  That's why now is a good time to think about home security with SimpliSafe.

• 23:10Karen Kilgariff?

  Unlike traditional security systems that alert you after a break in starts, SimpliSafe is designed to help stop intruders before they get inside. These days, you're worried about your house, you're out of town, and then something comes up and you get to look on your phone, and SimpliSafe is going to show you not only the video of like, "It's a raccoon at your front door," but also that they have staff that's sitting there, they already know. And if it was something different or worse, they would have already been on it.

• 23:36Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, I really think that's invaluable peace of mind. That just like relying on your neighbors, paying attention is not going to give you. We've partnered with SimpliSafe to offer our listeners their biggest savings of the year. 70% off your new system with professional monitoring when you visit simplisafe.com/mfm.

• 23:53Karen Kilgariff?

  That's simplisafe.com/mfm. And when you order, write in MFM at checkout and it tells them we sent you. And it really helps the show.

• 24:01Georgia Hardstark?

  SimpliSafe, ahead of crime in real time.

• 24:04Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye. The most annoying thing about dinner is that you have to keep making it.

• 24:08Georgia Hardstark?

  And every single time you have to figure out what you're going to eat.

• 24:11Karen Kilgariff?

  It's time to take some of that work off your plate with Hungry Root.

• 24:14Georgia Hardstark?

  Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped into one. They'll take care of the weekly grocery shopping and recommend groceries and meals tailored to you. It's so nice having Hungry Root just take care of the thinking part of dinner because I swear, like every 10 minutes of my life is what's for dinner? I'm so sick of it. And so I love when you can just open your fridge and be like, okay, great. We have roasted chicken with fries and broccoli from Hungry Root. Or wagyu ribeye steak with green goddess potatoes. Great. Let's go with that. I don't want to think about it. That sounds amazing and it's easy.

• 24:49Karen Kilgariff?

  It's easy and it's good for you. You're not just ordering another pizza. You're gonna love Hungry Root.

• 24:54Georgia Hardstark?

  For a love at a time, get 40% off your first order, plus get a free item in every box for life.

• 24:59Karen Kilgariff?

  Go to hungryroot.com/mfm and use code MFM.

• 25:02Georgia Hardstark?

  That's hungryroot.com/mfm, code MFM to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

• 25:10Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye. Cozy season is nearly upon us.

• 25:13Georgia Hardstark?

  That means crisp weather and soft layers.

• 25:16Karen Kilgariff?

  Prepare accordingly with fall staples from Bombas.

• 25:18Georgia Hardstark?

  Bombas has your favorite footwear for fall, including new suede moccasins with cushy soles, shearling lining and water resistant suede, plus soft slippers, slides and booties.

• 25:28Karen Kilgariff?

  There's a Bombas sock for pretty much any fall occasion, from warm merino wool blends to sweat wicking sport socks and dressier options for weddings.

• 25:37Georgia Hardstark?

  And for every Bombas item purchased, they donated an essential clothing item to someone facing housing insecurity with more than 200 million items donated so far. Okay, so when fall comes around, I have Have a pair of the Bombas booties pretty much in every room so I can grab them when my feet inevitably become freezing, which they are constantly. And they're so comfy. You can wear them around the house. I wear them to bed and they just make everything feel a little cozier.

• 26:03Karen Kilgariff?

  Head over to Bombas.com/MFM and use code MFM for 20% off your first purchase.

• 26:09Georgia Hardstark?

  That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash MFM, code MFM at checkout.

• 26:14Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye.

• 26:18Georgia Hardstark?

  My last one's called Children Violence Against Mascots. Hello, gals and pals. Once again, attempting to share a story I think would be worthy of a minisode. Hey, you were right. As this story does me, it hopefully will make you giggle at the misfortune of my brother. As a teenager, he obtained and lost many jobs in ways only a stoner teenager could. But there was one job he actually quit. He was a bear mascot at an indoor water park at a resort.

• 26:50Karen Kilgariff?

  Right in a row. Psychic click in.

• 26:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Why an indoor water park needs a bear mascot beyond me, but a perfect job for a 17 year old to just get high before work and walk around with no one knowing the better.

• 27:03Karen Kilgariff?

  Except it's fucking summertime.

• 27:06Georgia Hardstark?

  But you're indoors.

• 27:07Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, oh, thank you. Okay, great.

• 27:09Georgia Hardstark?

  But also claustrophobia and being high. Don't those things go hand in hand?

• 27:13Karen Kilgariff?

  I mean, and by hand in hand, you mean stabbing you in the neck with one hand and poking you in the eyes with another?

• 27:19Georgia Hardstark?

  Exactly. One day, when headed out, one day when headed on break, he got in the elevator, only to be joined by five roughly 10 year old boys. As soon as the door shut, the boys all turned in unison to face him. Already fucking terrifying. Then clearly premeditated, they all pounced, taking him down in his fucking bear anymore. They all seemed to be practicing as many WWE moves as possible before the doors opened again, then proceeded to get off the floor, running away, laughing.

• 27:53Karen Kilgariff?

  Evil.

• 27:53Georgia Hardstark?

  They fucking beat up a mascot.

• 27:56Karen Kilgariff?

  Of course, of course.

• 27:58Georgia Hardstark?

  The insult to injury arrived when he realized due to the mascot head, he couldn't find the leverage to get off of the ground. So there he lay until a kind family boarded the elevator a short time later and helped him up. He promptly walked his fluffy bare ass into the employee locker room, changed into his clothes, and walked out only to return for his last check.

• 28:19Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 28:20Georgia Hardstark?

  Apparently being jumped by a bunch of children wasn't something he was willing to risk for 8.50 an hour.

• 28:25Karen Kilgariff?

  Fuck no. Go to hell.

• 28:27Georgia Hardstark?

  Big fan of the show. Stay sexy and don't get beat up by children. Paige.

• 28:32Karen Kilgariff?

  Paige, you're so right about all of that.

• 28:36Georgia Hardstark?

  I love simling horror stories because it's just so much more gleeful than your own where you're just like, they deserved it.

• 28:42Karen Kilgariff?

  And also, I feel like Paige, like you can tell that story and tell us, you can paint the full picture. Like, sometimes when something happens to you, you're just like, these goddamn kids. But Paige was like, let me set the scene about this indoor water park and the job my brother had.

• 28:57Georgia Hardstark?

  And what my brother was like, because your brother's not going to be like, I was a bratty stoner who fucking just had a lot of jobs.

• 29:02Karen Kilgariff?

  Exactly. He's only going to play the victim. Exactly. He always fucking does.

• 29:07Georgia Hardstark?

  You have one more?

• 29:08Karen Kilgariff?

  I do. Oh, yeah. And it's a goodie.

• 29:11Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay.

• 29:12Karen Kilgariff?

  I'm not going to read you the subject line.

• 29:14Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, okay. You seem gleeful.

• 29:16Karen Kilgariff?

  Hi, everyone. Hearing Meghan's money booth story made me want to write in about my own son's experience in the booth at Chuck E. Cheese. It's a money booth story.

• 29:25Georgia Hardstark?

  Hell, yeah. We love it. We need him.

• 29:27Karen Kilgariff?

  My child has always been a little different in his motivations. For his sixth or seventh birthday, we went to Chuck E. Cheese, and part of being the birthday boy is a two-minute run in the wind tunnel full of tickets. His, quote, twin, and then it says in parentheses, my sister and I had our babies two days apart, went first and got like 30 tickets. So essentially, I guess, at Chuck E. Cheese, there's a money booth for children, which is instead of money, tickets to get those prizes.

• 29:55Georgia Hardstark?

  Sounds amazing. I could do it as an adult. Like, that sounds amazing.

• 29:58Karen Kilgariff?

  Hell, yes. Also, there's some sort of art installation right now in LA where there's a ball pit for adults.

• 30:05Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay, I'm in.

• 30:07Karen Kilgariff?

  And you know, I've never been in a ball pit, remember?

• 30:09Georgia Hardstark?

  That's right. You have to go.

• 30:10Karen Kilgariff?

  I know.

• 30:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay.

• 30:13Karen Kilgariff?

  So the cousin got like 30 tickets. We had time to think of some strategies. So my partner and I were giving him very good pointers. He was ready and excited as he entered the booth. The wind tunnel starts a little slowly, so my son puts his hands out and down to the floor like he was gonna freehand grab the tickets. He didn't. He very, very slowly raised his hands. Then he started making wind noises with his mouth. Then he concentrated hard. It was 1 minute and 45 seconds in that I realized he wasn't trying to get a single ticket. He was controlling the elements around him. The time ended and he didn't get a single ticket. I'd never seen him more fulfilled.

• 30:55Karen Kilgariff?

  Sometimes it's just more fun to do what you want and not what the directions say. My son is now 15 and still very easily pleased. I don't know how I got so lucky. Thanks for all of the things, Katie.

• 31:08Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh.

• 31:10Karen Kilgariff?

  I know.

• 31:11Georgia Hardstark?

  Like if I could be promised one like that, then maybe I would have had kids, you know?

• 31:15Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes, exactly. I don't, I wonder though if those ones, it's just their personality comes out as is. There's kinda not a lot. It's not like, I don't think people can control that.

• 31:27Georgia Hardstark?

  No, it's not like the wind. Yeah.

• 31:29Karen Kilgariff?

  That's it. He's a visionary. You can't be Magneto and control your child's personality like the, like gravity.

• 31:37Georgia Hardstark?

  Stand by and cheer them on.

• 31:38Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah. Ugh, love it.

• 31:41Georgia Hardstark?

  Tell us your stories about your unique child's funny moments or something.

• 31:46Karen Kilgariff?

  Or an actual money booth if you were in one. I don't know if you've heard that. We're obsessed and we really need those stories.

• 31:53Georgia Hardstark?

  We do. Someday we'll have one.

• 31:55Karen Kilgariff?

  Someday. Until then, stay sexy.

• 31:58Georgia Hardstark?

  And don't get murdered.

• 31:59Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye.

• 32:01Georgia Hardstark?

  Elvis, do you want a cookie?

• 32:10Karen Kilgariff?

  This has been an Exactly Right Production.

• 32:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck.

• 32:15Karen Kilgariff?

  Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.

• 32:17Georgia Hardstark?

  This episode was mixed by Leona Scolacci.

• 32:20Karen Kilgariff?

  Email your hometowns to [email protected].

• 32:23Georgia Hardstark?

  And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at MyFavoriteMurder.

• 32:26Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  Cash Flow Crunch on Deck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $200,000 right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 33:03Speaker 06

  Football Sundays are my house this year, so I've been making a Total Wine & More run before every kickoff. Cold beer for the group is a given, but this time of year, I like to bring in some fall flavors. A bottle of maple whiskey and a salted caramel whiskey that even my friends who don't drink whiskey end up trying. I get everything I need at the lowest prices at Total Wine. Discover your new favorite fall flavors at Total Wine & More. Spirits are not sold in Virginia and North Carolina. Drink responsibly. Must be 21.

• 33:31Speaker 07

  When the holidays start to feel a bit repetitive, reach for Sprite Winter Spice Cranberry and put your twist on tradition. A bold cranberry and winter spice flavors fusion, Sprite Winter Spice Cranberry is a refreshing way to shake things up this sipping season, and only for a limited time. Sprite. Obey Your Thirst.