MBMBaM 831: How the Sausage Doesn’t Get Made

Worried about staying up on all the hot trends this Fall? We’ve got you covered! This year it’s all about Italian spice lattes, watching the latest sexy hockey rom-com starring Martha Stewart, footprints in the sand metaphors, and collecting all the rare saxophone variants! Suggested talking points: Outsider Trading, Biggs-ing it Up, Richard Drive-Us, Sax The Energy, Bible Beach Episode Midwest Food Bank: https://midwestfoodbank.org/disaster-relief/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 1:10Travis McElroy?

  Well, hello, everybody. Well, welcome to my brother, my brother, main of my show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Oh, hello. What up, Trav Nation? Didn't see you come in there. I'm your mildest brother, Travis Big Duck Wolf, from, from the heater award-winning McElroy.

• 1:25Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, what's up, Trav Nation? It's your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin Bill Ford, Jeff McElroy.

• 1:31Travis McElroy?

  And it's that time of year again. I was gonna wait to talk to you guys about this in the munch quad section, but it is September 9th as we record this, which means that pumpkin spice season is here and in full effect.

• 1:46Griffin McElroy?

  And we couldn't think of anything else to talk. We tried to think of.

• 1:49Travis McElroy?

  You don't have to tell them that.

• 1:51Griffin McElroy?

  You don't have to. I want people like transparency, sunlight is the best disinfectant and we're deeply, deeply infected and.

• 1:58Travis McElroy?

  They don't need to know how the sausage doesn't get made.

• 2:03Griffin McElroy?

  We ran out of sausage ideas.

• 2:05Travis McElroy?

  We ran out of sausage.

• 2:06Griffin McElroy?

  There's only so much stuff you can put in these things.

• 2:10Travis McElroy?

  Hey, can I tell you what's wild about pumpkin spice? Just for.

• 2:12Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, dude. Go off king, please.

• 2:15Travis McElroy?

  It's not pumpkin.

• 2:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yes.

• 2:18Travis McElroy?

  Pumpkin pie. It is the thing that you add to pumpkin to make pumpkin spice.

• 2:24Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:24Travis McElroy?

  This, but this would be like if you said, um.

• 2:27Griffin McElroy?

  How dare you?

• 2:27Travis McElroy?

  Yes. Oh, I love Italian food. So I've scented this thing, Italian seasoning, not like a specific dish, but the things that you put into.

• 2:39Griffin McElroy?

  That was a bad example. It was a bad example. What do you want it to smell like? Italian? You just want it to smell like Italian? That example didn't work or make any sense.

• 2:48Travis McElroy?

  Okay. Well, then it's like, I'm gonna make you a dish and what? Okay. What is it? It's just a bunch of like thyme and oregano and rosemary mixed up together.

• 2:56Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. So what's up with pumpkins? What's up with pumpkin spice? I'm sick of this stuff.

• 3:02Travis McElroy?

  You gotta start with the king.

• 3:03Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 3:04Travis McElroy?

  You gotta go to, you gotta go to Starbucks and say, what do you have in, in store for us? They teamed up with Martha Stewart this year to remind us that pumpkin spice is, uh, good and that we should have it. They did a whole commercial about it.

• 3:21Griffin McElroy?

  And she says that she said, she comes out on the commercial. She says pumpkin spice is good and you should have it.

• 3:26Travis McElroy?

  And also I'm still here. I'm still relevant, right?

• 3:29Griffin McElroy?

  Listen to me. She says, she's, well, hold on. She is. This is what Martha says about PSL. Cause Martha, if Martha's gonna take the time out of her busy schedule to tell us about the PSL, I think it's the least we could do is just see what's up.

• 3:42Speaker 03

  Oh, pumpkin spice latte? The drink that makes us all a little more basic? Pumpkin spice latte for Martha? This smells like my house in the fall. It's perfect.

• 3:56Speaker 03

  Can I get a straw?

• 3:59Speaker 03

  You would get a lot.

• 4:01Speaker 03

  Should I know him?

• 4:03Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 4:07Griffin McElroy?

  So let's just, let's just pause. This was Martha Stewart and then she comes in and I appreciate what she's doing here, which is that we're all, we're all sort of bored with the pumpkin spice. We all have a lot of stuff going on. We're all fighting for our lives, basically day in, day out. We're all pretty bored with the pumpkin, pumpkin spice latte, drinking it, talking about it, thinking about it. Martha's here to say, cash, I'll cash in some of my credit. You know me. I own some of Martha's bowls and they're fantastic. They've lasted me a long time.

• 4:38Travis McElroy?

  I have my own vineyard.

• 4:40Griffin McElroy?

  She rolls up. She's got her own vineyard. That's true, Travis. And so she's like, you can still believe me. I'm Martha Stewart and I actually like this stuff and it's okay to like this stuff. And then an attractive young man looks at her.

• 4:52Travis McElroy?

  This is the twist.

• 4:54Griffin McElroy?

  Says you would like it hot. And she says, should I know you? And then they, I guess they're gonna go fuck after this.

• 5:03Travis McElroy?

  Should I know him?

• 5:05Griffin McElroy?

  Should I know?

• 5:06Travis McElroy?

  To us? Should I know? This is where I'm like freaking out. This person's name is Belmont Camilli. And he's like, he's like such a handsome guy, but I can't figure out why he's in, like when Martha's like, should I know you? I feel like she's speaking for everybody. Like it says. She says it to us. Campus athlete and campus is italicized?

• 5:31Griffin McElroy?

  Off campus, off campus, off campus, off campus.

• 5:34Travis McElroy?

  What does that mean? It's a TV show, I believe.

• 5:36Griffin McElroy?

  It's a television, it says TV show about.

• 5:39Travis McElroy?

  There's still TV shows? I thought it was all TikTok.

• 5:42Griffin McElroy?

  No, this is horny hockey.

• 5:43Travis McElroy?

  It's one of the, it's one of those TikTok vertical shows.

• 5:46Griffin McElroy?

  Not heated rivalry. It's, it's, it's, it's different than heated rivalry. I guess this is the guy, this is the guy from it. We would know this better if we watched, if we watched better, more TV and didn't just watch the same TV shows or later.

• 5:58Travis McElroy?

  It's fun when, when the premise of something is like, we put a celebrity that your parents would definitely identify and a young celebrity that you youngins will definitely identify. But then we also highlighted the fact that they don't like that they have no connection to each other whatsoever. And in fact, one of them doesn't even know why the other one's there.

• 6:24Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's cool. That's confusing and cool. It's like a little puzzle for us.

• 6:27Travis McElroy?

  No, this is a good, I have a paragraph.

• 6:30Griffin McElroy?

  Why would she get it hot? Why is that a thing that he's like? It's a euphemism. They're going to make love.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  I don't think it is. I don't know that it is.

• 6:38Travis McElroy?

  Is that what Martha Stewart is known for in circles? But like, why are they trying to do so many things in a 30 second ad? You know what I mean? Like just say yum. You know what I mean? Gold yum, still good. Gold yum. End of ad. Back now.

• 6:51Griffin McElroy?

  No, haven't drink, none, no drink for a year? Back yum. Good. Listen. And then a guy shows up and he drink it. He said, off campus. Yum.

• 7:01Travis McElroy?

  Yo, we shouldn't have to sell you on the flavor and the idea, but rather this is a PSA for PSL. Just letting you know, it's back now.

• 7:12Griffin McElroy?

  It's back now.

• 7:13Travis McElroy?

  This is, okay.

• 7:15Griffin McElroy?

  That's a three second, that's a two second long commercial. Bam. PSL back now. No drink for a year? Good still.

• 7:21Travis McElroy?

  Uh, for years, the pumpkin spice latte has been a defining symbol of fall, an icon. It has inspired memes, sparked commentary and become an unmistakable sign that the season has arrived. Just ask Martha Stewart, the queen of fall and keeping it real. Sparked?

• 7:41Griffin McElroy?

  Cause she went to jail.

• 7:41Travis McElroy?

  Commentary.

• 7:43Griffin McElroy?

  I'm sorry. You suggesting because she went to prison?

• 7:45Travis McElroy?

  For a crime.

• 7:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 7:47Travis McElroy?

  I'm not ready to, by the way, we're all having a lot of fun and we've all leapt over. That's a, that's a big crime that she did.

• 7:55Griffin McElroy?

  Outsider trading?

• 7:56Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, dude.

• 7:58Griffin McElroy?

  Eh.

• 7:59Travis McElroy?

  I took a bath because I was deeply invested in Martha Stewart industries or whatever she defrauded. I'm not ready yet. I went to prison for outsider trading.

• 8:09Griffin McElroy?

  What's that?

• 8:09Travis McElroy?

  That's where I didn't know anything at all. And I kept trying to make trades and I annoyed them so much. They sent me to prison for 10 years. He'd call like late at night and be like, I just had an idea. Yeah. Idea for a trade. I want to swap Mickey Mouse and the Ghostbusters. Make them trade. And they're like, this is the New York.

• 8:27Griffin McElroy?

  Let me get a hundred thousand shares of Ghostbusters. And then they would be like, stop calling. That's not, you can't.

• 8:32Travis McElroy?

  How much for oranges?

• 8:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 8:35Travis McElroy?

  Okay. I'd like to finish this fucking paragraph.

• 8:39Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 8:39Travis McElroy?

  Just ask Martha Stewart, the queen of fall and keeping it real. Known for her thoughts on the beverage's mainstream popularity. Do you think that's what Martha Stewart's known for? She confidently portrays that the PSL fits perfectly in. Fall while Camilli grabs his own pumpkin spice latte beverage iced, of course. Of course, why? Hockey. Plays hockey. Hockey? It's not heated rivalry though, Justin.

• 9:03Griffin McElroy?

  It's a different one, off campus.

• 9:05Travis McElroy?

  Well, that would be heated. That'll be a heated coffee.

• 9:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 9:09Travis McElroy?

  But I think that's a play on words because they're on ice.

• 9:11Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, if instead of Mark, that had been one of the heated rivalry guys and then he was the off campus guy.

• 9:17Travis McElroy?

  If a heated rivalry guy would have known that, that would have been something, but that is about, I don't, I don't know where that would fit in pumpkin wise. I don't know if off campus is a show about pumpkins or is it set in a pumpkin college or something?

• 9:29Griffin McElroy?

  Guys fucks up, one of the guys fucks a pumpkin. It's an American Pie spinoff show and now, okay, there's your fucking commercial. Jason Biggs comes in with a pumpkin pie and it's got a hole in it and he's like.

• 9:39Travis McElroy?

  He looks at it, he's like, I'm gonna need a bigger hog. PSL is back. You're like, that's it? He looks at a hole in pumpkin, I'm gonna need a bigger hog. Well, then he looks around and there's a lot of pumpkins around, right? Cause pumpkin spice is back and he's like, oh man, I'm gonna need a bigger hog.

• 9:55Griffin McElroy?

  And then Eugene Levy walks in and he takes a big sip.

• 9:58Travis McElroy?

  Seriously concerned about it because Jason Biggs is a serious actor now.

• 10:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 10:01Travis McElroy?

  So this is like, it's really bothering him. It's too long.

• 10:05Griffin McElroy?

  Thirty seconds, thirty seconds. Jason Biggs walks in, he's got a pumpkin with a hole in it. He looks in it, let me, he says, let me get two PSLs, please. One iced, one hot. And they say, what's with the hole? He looks at it, he says, I'm gonna need a bigger hog. Eugene Levy walks in after him, takes a sip of his PSL. Sean William Scott follows in, kicks in the door, says, no, there's come in that. Cut to black. I know everything I know. The PSL is back.

• 10:27Travis McElroy?

  To be continued, question mark? Stuart comes in at the end, yum.

• 10:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yum.

• 10:32Travis McElroy?

  Yum.

• 10:33Griffin McElroy?

  I know everything I need to know about it. It's back. It's not been a year. It's good. What if they came out and they said, we're cutting it. We're cutting the flavor in half. I'm interested in that.

• 10:45Travis McElroy?

  Ooh.

• 10:45Griffin McElroy?

  If they came in and they were like, pumpkin spice, it's back, way mellower and we've cut the sort of, we've cut it in half.

• 10:52Travis McElroy?

  We figured out a way via densities that the pumpkin spice flavor stops halfway down the coffee just when you're sick of it. And the rest of it just tastes like regular coffee.

• 11:02Griffin McElroy?

  Strata, a halocline, you can watch, you shake the cup and you can see it kind of.

• 11:07Travis McElroy?

  But it always settles back up. Starbucks is also doing a, um, what's called the PSL society.

• 11:14Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no.

• 11:14Travis McElroy?

  Um, the PSL society, I want to talk to you guys about this gore, look at this, a gore mug for you in the PSL society. What gore? Twelve ounce gore mug is inspired by the colors and textures of a pumpkin. But it's not. A playful seasonal touch to cozy mornings and crisp fall days.

• 11:30Griffin McElroy?

  This is a white mug with red dots on it.

• 11:33Travis McElroy?

  It's a white mug with red dots on it.

• 11:35Griffin McElroy?

  Like a pumpkin.

• 11:36Travis McElroy?

  What the fuck are you talking about? What pumpkin have they been looking at? What pumpkin? What gore, what are you talking about? Fucked that with someone else's hog. There's a PSL glass cold cup. Introduce the terror of shattered glass in your morning PSL. Bet you paid twenty five dollars for. Twenty five dollars and there's a download button in case you want to save this JPG for your files. I will, thank you. And then lastly, we have an Oola and Starbucks water bottle. For your pumpkin spice water. Yeah, with your playful pumpkin design. It's just slightly ordered. It's in no way playful. There's a stainless steel tumbler with a PSL charm for twenty two dollars. It's, these are all great ways to tell people you have more money than cents.

• 12:21Travis McElroy?

  And you don't know what a gore looks like. Yeah. There's also a collection inspired by the great pumpkins. So they're really seeing whatever fucking sex.

• 12:29Griffin McElroy?

  A lot of Snoopy based, a lot of Snoopy based merchandise.

• 12:32Travis McElroy?

  Now, over, now meanwhile.

• 12:33Griffin McElroy?

  I appreciate how efficiently they're combining all a bunch of shit I don't care about.

• 12:38Travis McElroy?

  Now, meanwhile, uh, Duncan is having, uh, a lot of fun. The people's coffee. Okay, I'm, I'm, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna, uh, sight unseen, sight unseen. You guys want to talk, you guys want to talk about what Duncan is doing, right? Yeah.

• 12:54Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Okay.

• 12:56Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah. Tell us, what was the secret to your group's success?

• 12:59Speaker 04

  The secret to our group was that everyone had their own flavor. Ginger had red hair and baby was the youngest.

• 13:05Travis McElroy?

  Ginger spice and baby spice.

• 13:06Speaker 04

  But we originally had a sixth member, pumpkin spice.

• 13:11Travis McElroy?

  Oh my God.

• 13:12Speaker 04

  I like pumpkin. She had so many amazing tracks.

• 13:15Griffin McElroy?

  That's Rachel Dratch.

• 13:16Speaker 04

  Don't squash my love, walk through my pumpkin patch. My favorite was bumpin' pumpkins. Pumpkins, pumpkins. Oh, I like pumpkins. Do you like pumpkins? I sure do. Voice of an angel. Total banger. Her choreography as well was ahead of its time. A little bit sweet, a little bit nice. You wanna taste my pumpkin spice? I'm self-taught. At the end of the day, I think she was just slightly too seasonal. I left the band to focus on lattes. We were devastated and the others still won't talk to her. I got you something. Oh, thank you. Cheers. Every fall, this is what I really want.

• 14:01Travis McElroy?

  It's so long.

• 14:05Speaker 04

  Should we get the band back together? I've written some new material. No. It's about pumpkins.

• 14:12Griffin McElroy?

  A thirty seconder would have been choiceier.

• 14:16Travis McElroy?

  Would have gotten in and out and gotten the whole job done.

• 14:19Griffin McElroy?

  Rachel Dratch dressed up as pumpkin. What if there's a sixth spice called pumpkin spice? Here's one of her songs, PSL back at Duncan.

• 14:27Travis McElroy?

  What are you doing? Big fuck one out.

• 14:30Griffin McElroy?

  Sean William Scott kicks in the door. There's come in that. Get out of here.

• 14:33Travis McElroy?

  Rachel Dratch, blah, gross. No, Rachel, not that one. That one's fine. That's Duncan.

• 14:38Griffin McElroy?

  PSL back.

• 14:39Travis McElroy?

  It's only in the Starbucks. I know that we could spend hours trying to figure it out, but when the overall goal is. Pumpkin spice is back and it's available now, what was the purpose of all of that in the ad? So they want, they can't, one of the things with ads, Trav, is that if they just say it back now.

• 15:07Griffin McElroy?

  It doesn't really get. No drinking year, still good, it back now, try it.

• 15:11Travis McElroy?

  Back now, it doesn't give people talking, you know, that what that Starbucks has got to say is, uh, yeah, we like Rachel Dratch too. But what, but why do you need to get people talking about a drink that has been known for being popular for over a decade? So that's interesting, Trav. That's interesting. That's interesting. And I think you're coming to the quick of it. I think you're coming to the meat of it, Travis, because what you have detected is the real story in the world of. Uh, pumpkin spice. Y'all, it's out at McDonald's. For the first time in thirteen years, McDonald's will not be bringing the pumpkin spice latte to its menu.

• 15:54Griffin McElroy?

  That's what I'm fucking talking about.

• 15:55Travis McElroy?

  Drawing a line. They're saying, you know what? It's discontinued. We've got a caramel apple pie based idea. We're gonna, we're just gonna leave this behind now. We're not doing it anymore.

• 16:07Griffin McElroy?

  I love it. I love it. For, the only way this could have been better is if they had formed some sort of block. If they had created a sort of annual embargo just for twenty twenty six to be like, hey, guys, we get it. We also are fucking bored with this shit and we're fighting for our lives every day, day in, day out. We're gonna take a flyer this year. We're gonna skip it. We're gonna focus on the comp. We're gonna focus on Apple. Um, we're just simply not gonna do it. Twenty twenty seven, can you imagine how bad you would want a pumpkin spice latte? Then you bring out Dratch. Then you bring out Sean William Scott. Then you bring out the fucking heavy hitters of advertising.

• 16:38Travis McElroy?

  Industry wide, everybody took the year off?

• 16:41Griffin McElroy?

  Everybody took the year off, including the Bucks and the Bucks came out and they focused. I mean, the Bucks is always fucking trying shit and this is, this is, they won't.

• 16:49Travis McElroy?

  They should make non-burned coffee if they want to try something new and innovative, non-over roasted coffee.

• 16:54Griffin McElroy?

  Whoa, hold on, hold on, no, hold on, Justin. We can't just skip what Travis just said.

• 16:58Travis McElroy?

  No, Travis is making some really good coffee stuff and I do want to take a moment to celebrate this coffee.

• 17:04Griffin McElroy?

  The suggestion that every Starbucks burns every coffee roast they've ever done.

• 17:08Travis McElroy?

  It's because they, they don't roast it in-house, Griffin. So the roasters over roast it. I think the baristas are out there doing their goddamn best.

• 17:17Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 17:18Travis McElroy?

  I'm not here. I'm telling you that Starbucks coffee is bitter and disgusting and I drink it if it's all that's available. It's better than Duncan though. Wow, wow.

• 17:27Griffin McElroy?

  Now that would be cool if Martha Stewart rolled up and said that and spoke her mind.

• 17:31Travis McElroy?

  Bitter and disgusting.

• 17:32Griffin McElroy?

  It's bitter and disgusting, but it's the only thing I, the only thing I've got.

• 17:36Travis McElroy?

  It's the only commercial that paid me to be in it.

• 17:38Griffin McElroy?

  And then off campus handsome shows up and he's like, sucks, right? And she's like, yeah, it does. Do you want to get out of here?

• 17:44Travis McElroy?

  You know what else sucks? Let's go.

• 17:46Griffin McElroy?

  Let's go party.

• 17:47Travis McElroy?

  I think.

• 17:48Griffin McElroy?

  In the Martha, in the Martha mobile.

• 17:51Travis McElroy?

  I think, I wish I had been there in the Duncan meeting where they were like, okay, guys. A Spice Girls bit is not gonna work if we have one of them. Two is the most we are going, two. We ain't getting posh. Two is barely it. Yeah. The gag would obviously work best with all five. We can all agree that's not happening. And with one, it's nonsensical. So maybe we can spring for two, two, hey, guys, it's two Spice Girls anything? Can we get two Spice Girls in a room with Rachel Dratch?

• 18:25Griffin McElroy?

  I always, I do love seeing, I love seeing Rachel Dratch.

• 18:28Travis McElroy?

  I love seeing Rachel Dratch. How did they decide on just two Spice Girl? How they settle on just, just those two?

• 18:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 18:35Travis McElroy?

  What a story, what a scary. Rachel Dratch is a Bostonite if I'm not mistaken and so, but not British. And so instead of getting a British comedian, they were like, well, we'll get Rachel Dratch. She's worked with us before, if I'm not mistaken, we enjoy working with her. But she won't be doing the Boston thing because she'll have to be Brit. It's such a weird, like compared. But also isn't the like pumpkin spice is a Spice Girl thing like a. Billion years old?

• 19:03Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, we've definitely done that.

• 19:05Travis McElroy?

  The whole thing's a billion, and this is why I'm saying I think McDonald's is gonna end up making Starbucks look like it's a clown store. Because I think what's gonna happen is everybody's gonna move away from it, and for Starbucks, it'll be so closely ingrained to them that it would be such an admission of guilt. They would be like, well, we, it's, they're right, we had to stop.

• 19:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 19:25Travis McElroy?

  They have to do it every year, even if everybody else is like, eh, played. Eh, it sucks. Starbucks is too deep.

• 19:30Griffin McElroy?

  Flavor too strong.

• 19:31Travis McElroy?

  We had to sell all our leftover pumpkins to Jason Biggs.

• 19:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 19:35Travis McElroy?

  He started a harem.

• 19:38Travis McElroy?

  This is an advice show, okay? And the way it works is you email us your questions, [email protected].

• 19:47Griffin McElroy?

  We ignore those questions.

• 19:48Travis McElroy?

  We ignore those questions.

• 19:49Griffin McElroy?

  We talk about, we talk about Jason Biggs fucking pumpkins for about 26 minutes. That's how we do it.

• 19:56Travis McElroy?

  That's on us. That's how we do it, but it's our show. I love going to one particular arcade. I've been going there for a few years, and during that time, one prize has always been in the redemption area. Nobody has won it, and all the time I've been there, it's sort of become a staple. It's an alto saxophone.

• 20:12Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome.

• 20:13Travis McElroy?

  I recently realized that I do have the tickets to get the saxophone. The issue is that I already have an alto saxophone.

• 20:21Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome, fuck, yes.

• 20:22Travis McElroy?

  What? There's nothing else in the arcade that I really want, but I also don't want a second saxophone so much as the awe of walking out with a saxophone. Is it worth exhausting my years of saved up tickets to get a moment of glory, followed by the harsh reality of a double saxophone regular life? Could there be some sort of purpose for a second saxophone? That's from Seeking Reed Redemption in Detroit. Very good name.

• 20:45Griffin McElroy?

  Really good.

• 20:46Travis McElroy?

  I will say this, if you were to buy this saxophone with tickets, and then take it to a local grade school or middle school and say, hey, donate this to a musician, one of your musicians. It would be the only positive thing to ever come out of redemption games in the history of arcades. It would be the one good that has ever come out of redemption games, which are a plague on real arcades and should have been banned as the gambling dens for toddlers that they are a dozen years ago. This is true. I'm gonna take it one step further, Justin. Further than that? Yeah, picture this. Wow. You walk in, right?

• 21:28Travis McElroy?

  You have big money bags, but with tickets on them instead of dollar signs, right? All your tickets. Pictures of tickets or the word tickets or? Uh.

• 21:37Griffin McElroy?

  Pictures of tickets.

• 21:39Travis McElroy?

  And the word tickets, both. And like, kids start swarming around, you're like, today's the day, they're so excited, right? You, you get the saxophone, they hand it down, right? And then you're gonna turn to like, the kid who's both most impressed, but also satisfied that the sax isn't there anymore. And you're gonna say, why don't you hold on to this for me, kid? And hand him the saxophone as he just stroll out. Let him pawn it.

• 22:03Griffin McElroy?

  That's what, that's like Travis, that's like what Mr. Beast would do. Like, that's what Mr. Beast would do with his like.

• 22:12Travis McElroy?

  Brences derogatory or parentheses complimentary? Yeah, see, yours was just to a random person, and mine was to a kid that wanted to learn saxophone. So yours was like Mr. Beast, and you just like, got the aura from it, and then you shoved a box at whoever was nearby. But if I give it to a school, I don't get to watch the culmination of it. I get handed to a random kid. You do with the end, Travis, at the concert. At the concert. When they're graduating college, you stand up and you're like, yes, that's my boy.

• 22:38Griffin McElroy?

  Have you not even seen Mr. Holland's Opus? It's what happens in Mr. Holland's Opus. He doesn't stand up and clap at the end, he's the only one.

• 22:45Travis McElroy?

  We used to watch that in middle school band, but middle school band was only 45 minutes long, and the teacher started it at the beginning every time. So I've seen the first half of Mr. Holland's Opus many, many times. We've talked about this, because I, I will talk about the driver's ed teacher that used to show us that, that film every year, because he looked just like Mr. Holland at the end.

• 23:05Griffin McElroy?

  At the end?

• 23:06Travis McElroy?

  Like, when he's in the, like, they age Richard Dreyfuss at the end, which like, okay. And then he's like, a lot, he's like, a lot of people say that, I wanna put this movie on free. A lot of people say that I look like him at the end, I don't really know. And then it gets to the end, I'll be goddamn if it doesn't look exactly like the driver's ed teacher. It's like, okay, I'm glad you actually showed us this flick, this is worth it. Good, I get it, I don't know about the flick itself, but you do look exactly like this guy. Was it Richard Dreyfuss, and he was just there like? Sorry, what? Richard Dreyfuss, because he's a driver's ed teacher? Oh. He was waiting to be recognized by one of you students as like the actual guy, and it never clicked? Maybe, that would be cool.

• 23:48Griffin McElroy?

  No. I wonder if he still loves that he looks like Richard Dreyfuss. Or assuming he's alive and with us still.

• 23:55Travis McElroy?

  And that Richard Drive, Richard Dreyfuss is alive.

• 23:59Griffin McElroy?

  Right?

• 23:59Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, he and Paul Giamatti are working on a buddy comedy together.

• 24:03Griffin McElroy?

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:03Travis McElroy?

  Wouldn't that be incredible, though? I was joking, but I would watch the hell out of a grumpy old man, but with Paul Giamatti and Richard Dreyfuss?

• 24:11Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. I mean, Richard Dreyfuss famously during a Jaws panel, talked a bunch of shit about the Me Too movement, and specifically Barbra Streisand. So I'm, I'm saying that this driver's ed teacher probably maybe has.

• 24:26Travis McElroy?

  Oh, you're saying it's a time for a Dave situation, let's swap him out.

• 24:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, let's swap out actor Richard Dreyfuss with driver's ed. I mean, Richard Dreyfuss might not know how to teach people how to operate a motor vehicle.

• 24:38Travis McElroy?

  We can just put him in a coma, which is what I think happens in Dave.

• 24:42Griffin McElroy?

  I haven't seen either of these movies, any of the movies we've talked about.

• 24:44Travis McElroy?

  You haven't seen Dave?

• 24:46Griffin McElroy?

  I ain't seen Dave.

• 24:46Travis McElroy?

  Now, listen, but you're at a point now where we've, listen, if you've lost Griffin, you definitely have lost listeners. You gotta pull out of this tailspin, Travis, say six, seven, quick.

• 24:54Griffin McElroy?

  Quick, Travis, and do the thing.

• 24:56Travis McElroy?

  Can we go back to when I said Richard Dreyfuss? Because he was a driver's ed teacher. No, but even that was left on hold, baby, they, they don't know Dreyfuss. They don't.

• 25:03Griffin McElroy?

  They don't know.

• 25:03Travis McElroy?

  Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

• 25:05Griffin McElroy?

  They don't know Dick Dreyfus.

• 25:05Travis McElroy?

  Julia Louis-Dreyfus, now you're in their sweet spot. Richard Dreyfus is a daughter. All right. Veep. From now on, when I hit a joke that doesn't work, I'm just gonna yell veep really loud, and you guys will know what I'm talking about. Did we answer that?

• 25:22Griffin McElroy?

  I don't think, I mean, we gave some bad, like, bad ideas. I'll, I'll do one, don't, you already got alto saxophone. I think there's a famous Yiddish expression that roughly means you can't play two alto saxophones with one mouth. And because you can't generate enough kind of wind, and your mouth won't be able to close, won't be able to form the correct embouchure to get two reeds in there.

• 25:45Travis McElroy?

  You never, but when you, I could see many scenarios where you would need a backup alto sax. One fits up with spit. Scenario, you're getting it from a ticket redemption counter. Are there many scenarios where you'd need a backup worst alto sax ever made? Like, this is definitely gonna disintegrate the first time you toot it, right? If I need like, sort of like when Jake the Snake Roberts, like, would put, I remember one wrestling match, he put his actual snake underneath the mat, and then somebody pulled out a fake snake in a bag and pretended to kill it, but was actually just smashing it. Like, if some bully showed up and were like, we're gonna break your saxophone, and you pull out your decoy saxophone to let them destroy, I could see that being beneficial.

• 26:27Travis McElroy?

  Wait, you, like, are you telling me that you sit there at like, roll your ball over and over and over again for hours on end, you sit there at the fucking Wonka coin machine?

• 26:37Griffin McElroy?

  Coin drop.

• 26:38Travis McElroy?

  Pumping tokens in, just so you could have some bully smash your sax? Well, no, not just to smash it, but as a saxophice to protect your good saxophone.

• 26:47Griffin McElroy?

  You can't, you can't.

• 26:47Travis McElroy?

  Veep.

• 26:48Griffin McElroy?

  No, he's fucking ripping, dude, let him rip.

• 26:50Travis McElroy?

  Bad ideas.

• 26:51Griffin McElroy?

  You gotta let him rip. When he's ripping juice, you gotta get out of his way and let him rip. We owe him that.

• 26:56Travis McElroy?

  Saxophice.

• 26:58Griffin McElroy?

  Saxophice, yeah. Well, Travis, I'll say you can't do it again, like, you gotta let us appreciate it. When I'm already appreciated, you don't gotta, you don't gotta drive it home. I know, I, I could tell you're proud of it. I could tell from the way that you're leaning 18 inches away from your microphone.

• 27:11Travis McElroy?

  And I sunk down in my seat to really let it land.

• 27:14Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Did you finish?

• 27:19Griffin McElroy?

  You're sitting like you finished.

• 27:20Travis McElroy?

  I bigged all over it.

• 27:22Griffin McElroy?

  You bigged up, bigged this sax.

• 27:25Travis McElroy?

  This sucks. No, it sucks. Sucks the energy, it sucks.

• 27:29Griffin McElroy?

  Sucks the energy right out of the room.

• 27:31Travis McElroy?

  Uh, I'm gonna do another question. Okay, cool. This one, we can help. I recently took up sea swimming. I usually go weekends and will leave the majority of my stuff on the sand while I go out, but take off my beach crocs closer to the ocean. Problem I encountered is that a team of beach cleanup volunteers have come twice at the same time as my swim and took my shoes as beach trash, not once, but twice. Worst is, I didn't realize it happened twice until it was too late. Brothers, how do I notify these goody goodies that my crocs aren't the result of oceanic pollution? That's from beach shoes often worn. Huh. Fancier shoes, like some wing tips? Better gibbets?

• 28:10Griffin McElroy?

  Better gibbets. If you've got gibbets in it and they see, they look down, they say, man, these shoes are filled with Digimon. This is not trash.

• 28:17Travis McElroy?

  But then they'll steal it. What if they take it then as a, as they're like, well, I guess nobody wants these.

• 28:23Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. I mean, our nation's, uh, beach sanitation volunteers are crooks, all of them. And they're all looking to get a fucking, they're all treasure hunters and they're all trying to get a fucking big sweat. They're all trying to get a score. They don't care if it belongs to anyone. I'm surprised that like, they're just taking the shoes. You know what I mean? Cause like, they'll probably, they probably wanna take more.

• 28:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 28:46Griffin McElroy?

  Um.

• 28:47Travis McElroy?

  What they are not telling you, and this is the good news about this, is that our beach cleanup volunteers, they are not throwing this stuff away. The procedure on the teams that I've been with, and I've been out on cruise for years.

• 29:00Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 29:00Travis McElroy?

  We typically will just get it and throw it back. If you throw it back out farther than it was before, then the ocean will claim it. So the idea is not you pick up the trash and put it in bags. The idea is you get it back to the ocean to let it claim it. International waters. So if you just wait, your crocs might wash back up if you're just patient.

• 29:23Griffin McElroy?

  And the big floating islands of plastic trash that we have out in the ocean, a lot of people misunderstand this.

• 29:28Travis McElroy?

  That's terraforming.

• 29:30Griffin McElroy?

  They look at that, they say, that's crazy. That's so much trash out in the ocean. My whole thing is like, uh, have you ever swept before? Because you have to sweep everything into a little pile.

• 29:39Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 29:40Griffin McElroy?

  So that we can get it all in one go.

• 29:42Travis McElroy?

  But also where do those people who complain about that, where do they think like original land masses come from? You know what I mean?

• 29:48Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 29:48Travis McElroy?

  Like we're building new land masses out of like plastic and garbage and stuff that kills fish and hurts the ocean or whatever. But I'll be able to afford a vacation home on it one day. You know what I mean?

• 29:58Griffin McElroy?

  New Pangaea and we're making it out of bottles.

• 30:02Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. It's a new island. Bottle island. Bottle island. It's bad for everybody, but the school district is great.

• 30:10Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Uh, we're gonna scoop it all up cause it's in one place now.

• 30:14Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Yeah. Now we can get it. It's easier to get now.

• 30:16Griffin McElroy?

  Now the ocean's currents move it all into one place. We scoop it all up with a big boat. Hello.

• 30:21Travis McElroy?

  It's Halloween. You could go to like a Spirit Halloween and get a really realistic, like fake looking foot or two. And put that in the croc, like it's just a separate foot. And now they're gonna have to wait for the cops. Ice traps. The cops are gonna need to show up. They're gonna have to cordon off the area. They're gonna do the little evidence techs. You're gonna have plenty of time to finish your swim while they're doing all that. And then you come back and go, foot's fake. And then like, they're like, oh, you got us again.

• 30:49Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 30:49Travis McElroy?

  You like walk up, you push past the reporters, you push past Batman, push past the chief of police. Excuse me, everybody. The foot's fake. You all look like idiots. Yeah. And then they laugh cause you got them again. And then you put your crocs on and you say, same time next week.

• 31:07Griffin McElroy?

  Do you know who else had problems leaving their shit behind on a beach? And making sure no, no, making sure that no one, why would Jesus?

• 31:18Travis McElroy?

  Cause the footprints in the sand.

• 31:20Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I get that, but I don't know.

• 31:22Travis McElroy?

  This is where they took my crocs and I had to walk barefoot. We have actually, actually I got an announcement. Actually, I got a Google alert about the footprints bit. And it's been retired from all of comedy. We've actually, no, it's true. Yeah. It's apparently been milked for like literally every decimeter, like every little.

• 31:41Griffin McElroy?

  And there's not a ton of Jesus beach material. Like he walks on the water at one point and that's great. But we don't get a ton of Jesus beach stuff in the, in the Bible. There's not a ton of fun beach stuff in the Bible, period.

• 31:52Travis McElroy?

  Crocs are fiction? Is that anything?

• 31:55Griffin McElroy?

  Travis, don't shoot. You're shooting the cannon indoors, Trav. You're getting fucking greedy now, dude.

• 32:00Travis McElroy?

  I was thinking about that footprint thing. And then I think the, I was thinking about it and I thought, see where the two sets of footprints become one. That's where the greatest mystery begins. And it's like a detective hunt to figure out where did the other person go?

• 32:14Griffin McElroy?

  And the, and the combined footprints is not the same as the two.

• 32:18Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 32:18Griffin McElroy?

  Footprints. So it's like, and there's a big pile of slime right where the footprints be perched.

• 32:23Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:24Griffin McElroy?

  So like, what's that?

• 32:25Travis McElroy?

  Does this have a train ticket?

• 32:27Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 32:28Travis McElroy?

  Huh.

• 32:28Griffin McElroy?

  So you know who else had issues leaving shit on the beach and making sure people didn't take it was pirates? And their solution was bury that shit with a big hole and leave yourself a little map and an X. You put it beneath the sand and no one's gonna come and, no one's gonna come and get it. Cause they don't know where it is.

• 32:46Travis McElroy?

  Knights Templar.

• 32:46Griffin McElroy?

  Cause you got them. That's pirates, not Knights Templar.

• 32:50Travis McElroy?

  They're the same thing.

• 32:51Griffin McElroy?

  They're super duper not.

• 32:53Travis McElroy?

  One existed, one didn't.

• 32:57Travis McElroy?

  That's cool. Okay. One was pirates and one's just a bunch of video games and goofy books. Okay?

• 33:03Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 33:04Travis McElroy?

  One's a bunch of Dan Brown Curse of Oak Island nonsense and one's buckaroo's and buckarini's sailing out across the sea. Getting treasure and avoiding oranges. High adventure that's beyond compare. Yeah, the real stuff.

• 33:20Griffin McElroy?

  Real shit.

• 33:21Travis McElroy?

  The pirates. That's real America. Pirates. That's the real.

• 33:25Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking shoes in the ground.

• 33:27Travis McElroy?

  History. Bury your shoes in the ground. Bury your shoes in the ground.

• 33:30Griffin McElroy?

  Bury your shoes. Put some Digimon on there.

• 33:33Travis McElroy?

  Bury your Digimon.

• 33:35Griffin McElroy?

  Bury your Digimon.

• 33:37Travis McElroy?

  I went to see Pirates Voyage this past weekend. It's like medieval times, but it's pirates. It's two teams of pirates. Red versus blue and whatever side you're on, you end up, uh.

• 33:48Griffin McElroy?

  Are they on the water or are they?

• 33:49Travis McElroy?

  There's like diving stunts. There's a lot of fire stunts. There's explosions. There's Dolly Parton music. There's trapezes and there's also seals.

• 34:00Griffin McElroy?

  So one of those was interesting. One of those seemed like it didn't fit with the other.

• 34:04Travis McElroy?

  Which one?

• 34:05Griffin McElroy?

  What? Probably the Dolly Parton music. That's I don't, I think of her as largely a terrestrial kind of, uh, act.

• 34:11Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, but it's like she did Dixie Stamp, well, not Dixie Stampede, knee Dixie Stampede. Now it's just Dolly Parton Stampede. And so it's like, it kind of works. Like she just does something for it. Yeah. She executive produced.

• 34:23Griffin McElroy?

  So is this like a, did you go and celebrate like as a celebration of her?

• 34:26Travis McElroy?

  It was for, it was part of Riley's bachelorette weekend. It doesn't matter. The important thing is I went to the bathroom at the time where the seals came out.

• 34:34Griffin McElroy?

  Fuck, man.

• 34:35Travis McElroy?

  I know. And then I was trying to go back to my seat and he was like, I'm sorry, sir. I can't let you back, uh, out right now. There are sea lions on the floor. And I thought, man, if there's another fucking restaurant telling me I can't go back to my seat. Cause of fucking sea lions.

• 34:53Travis McElroy?

  And I said that to him and he looked at me like I was just the weirdest guy. And I was like, it's just trying to do like a.

• 35:00Griffin McElroy?

  It's a great bit.

• 35:00Travis McElroy?

  It's a good bit. And he just kinda stared at me. And then I got back to my seat, but I did miss the seals, the sea lions. Is that sea lion? Seal is just short for sea lions, right?

• 35:10Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, seal lion.

• 35:11Travis McElroy?

  Seal lion. So whatever one. One's got ears. One just has a membrane.

• 35:18Griffin McElroy?

  It's a dumb name. They do not look like lions, fucking even a little bit at all. It's a crazy designation. That person, Jews probably did not bust up chuckling.

• 35:28Travis McElroy?

  They didn't.

• 35:28Griffin McElroy?

  Because of what they, because they've seen what sea lions can do to a human being.

• 35:33Travis McElroy?

  Especially trying to get back. Like their rotisserie chicken or whatever. And the seal's like, no, no, no, you got up. That's my rotisserie chicken.

• 35:42Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 35:43Travis McElroy?

  If you've ever picked up a mass of bones and blood and hair, there used to be a skylar, then you would know.

• 35:49Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 35:49Travis McElroy?

  It's not, it's no joke. These things are animals.

• 35:52Griffin McElroy?

  There's two set of footprints on the beach, then one and drag marks leading into the water.

• 35:57Travis McElroy?

  There's.

• 35:58Griffin McElroy?

  And little flipper prints coming in.

• 36:00Travis McElroy?

  And then a perpendicular. And then a plastic island full of demonic sea lions wearing plastic crowns that they fashion for themselves and they've got our heads. Whoa. They've woven the bones together. Into a platform.

• 36:17Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, let's go to the money zone.

• 36:18Travis McElroy?

  I'd love that, Griffin. I'd love it.

• 36:30Travis McElroy?

  I've got a website. Idea. Oh, well, that's one step short. Trav, you gotta, you gotta close the deal. You gotta get out there. I can go down to, you want me to go down to the website factory and pay old man Jenkins? Like a million dollars to make a website for me with all his complicated website machines and, uh, all the pollution that. And he's racist. He's. Racist as hell. I do not. Oh, man, Jacob, it's not me. Yeah, no, I, yeah. No, Travis, you need to use Squarespace. Okay. You need to use Squarespace. Like, we've been doing ads for him for literally years at this point. It's the best. Listen to the show.

• 37:09Travis McElroy?

  It's, Travis, you can use a Squarespace, uh, website to do anything, to sell stuff, to market your business, to organize your ideas. Whatever you want to do, they got a professionally designed template created by some of the best in the biz that you can.

• 37:24Griffin McElroy?

  I would say they even probably have more than just the one template.

• 37:27Travis McElroy?

  No, no, no, they have one. Yeah, that's the one problem with it. You have, you, yeah. The one problem is you have to make, you have to make a Wikipedia.

• 37:40Griffin McElroy?

  It's called, it's called Coolboxes and it's the only, and it's, but it looks great. Yeah.

• 37:46Travis McElroy?

  Four boxes and then text. Here's the problem.

• 37:48Griffin McElroy?

  Picture of you.

• 37:51Travis McElroy?

  If you have five pictures, you're sunk.

• 37:53Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 37:54Travis McElroy?

  That's the thing with Squarespace. I need to be able to do built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools and all that stuff and I don't.

• 38:01Griffin McElroy?

  The fourth box. That's the fourth box in Coolboxes.

• 38:03Travis McElroy?

  No, Squarespace is great. This is, we're lying about Squarespace because the truth is boring and the truth is they're the best. They're the best. You can make great looking websites. I don't really think you're a real superstar of website design, even if you don't actually 100%. Know what you're doing.

• 38:20Griffin McElroy?

  Had a Squarespace. Or 6% know what you're, I.

• 38:22Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, even any percent at all, they'll cover up the remaining percentage. So however many points you need to get you over the line. Head to Squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code. My brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace, the website's in the details. Listen, everybody, vintage unopened packs of Pee Wee Herman collectible trading cards aren't cheap. So I'm trying to save up my money to buy all the ones I can find on eBay, in your grandmother's attic. Um, at the swap meet, uh, all those things. And it, the only way I'm able to save money to buy those.

• 39:04Travis McElroy?

  Is thanks to Rocket Money. Cause Rocket Money helps me make good spending decisions like. Buying all of the vintage unopened packs of Pee Wee Herman collectible trading cards that I can find.

• 39:16Griffin McElroy?

  The Paul brothers are making it so hard. They're snatching up all the Chase Randys.

• 39:20Travis McElroy?

  God.

• 39:20Griffin McElroy?

  They're snatching up all the hologram Missy Vons. They're making, they're boosting them, they're boosting the market through artificial means. And Travis can't afford these packs without the help of Rocket Money.

• 39:30Travis McElroy?

  Me out here. They're killing me out here and I'm doing my best. Thanks to, thanks to Rocket Money. Rocket Money's like, hey, you're spending too much money on groceries. You're spending too much money, uh, like on, you know. Taking care of your family and your pets. You need to save your money for your spending goals that you put, let me check again. What? You're saving for collectible Pee Wee Herman vintage unopened collectible trading card. Travis, no. And then it talks me out of that too.

• 39:58Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, they're so good. They say, you don't, don't spend your money on Billy baloney. Spend it on real baloney for your kids.

• 40:05Travis McElroy?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:07Griffin McElroy?

  How many other obscure Pee Wee's Playhouse characters can I remember?

• 40:10Travis McElroy?

  Um, there's the Countess.

• 40:13Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, Mr. Kite. Uh, I think was his name, the kite.

• 40:17Travis McElroy?

  I think the lifeguard's named Ricky, if I remember that.

• 40:20Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 40:22Griffin McElroy?

  So anyway, Rocket Money is great. I routinely will, uh, just pop in and say like, hey, am I subscribed to any, uh, bullshit? And Rocket Money will say, yeah, man, you're subscribed to a lot of bullshit. A lot of stuff you forgot about a lot. I, I swear to Christ. My youngest child has figured out how to hack my Apple account and subscribe to the most garbage apps. Um, I think he took a print of my finger somehow with like tape off of a glass and he will use it and he will subscribe to like. You know, Fart Piano Deluxe and then.

• 40:54Travis McElroy?

  Oh, the deluxe one though. That's got all the features you need.

• 40:57Griffin McElroy?

  I'm just making sure that Rocket Money doesn't say, don't mention Fart Piano Deluxe because we get in trouble if, no, okay. No, we can talk about Fart Piano Deluxe. It's a hundred dollars a minute. And so Rocket Money will be like, hey.

• 41:09Travis McElroy?

  The farts aren't even that realistic.

• 41:11Griffin McElroy?

  They're not. It's the same one. They pitch it up. So when you play like a high C4 fart, it's like, that doesn't sound like anything like a fart.

• 41:19Travis McElroy?

  Now, you gotta get Fart Piano Deluxe Ultra if you want the really good stuff.

• 41:24Griffin McElroy?

  Uh-huh.

• 41:24Travis McElroy?

  It's worth it.

• 41:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. And that's cheaper, but I don't, but he doesn't know that because he's five.

• 41:30Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 41:31Griffin McElroy?

  But Rocket Money can help me to catch his, his defrauding of me, uh, in their dragnet.

• 41:38Travis McElroy?

  Stays one step ahead of his kid.

• 41:40Griffin McElroy?

  Of my five year old son, they can also set budgets and goals and they can categorize all my transactions. Travis already sort of did talk about that. But it, it really is an all in one sort of great, uh, financial health monitor. Um, that, that is, is really, truly has saved me more money than I can possibly even fathom. So Rocket Money, it's a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash my brother. That's rocketmoney.com slash my brother. One last time, rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

• 42:17Speaker 05

  Hi, I'm Andrew Reich and I host Ed Pilot Society and I am here with Max Fun Member of the Month Jacob Eads. Thank you so much for being a listener of our show and congratulations on being this month's Member of the Month. Pleasure to meet you. What made you take the leap to become an actual member of Maximum Fun? I'm spending all this time listening and enjoying them for content. Because it's not like just supporting one podcast either. It's supporting a whole network of people. So I feel like the dollar really goes a long way. Can't tell you how much we appreciate it. And as our Member of the Month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store.

• 42:58Speaker 05

  A special Member of the Month bumper sticker. You can take that car with that bumper sticker. And drive it to the parking spot at Max Fun headquarters in Los Angeles, which will be there just for you. I might have to get one of my friends to bring like a cardboard cutout of me who lives in Los Angeles, just to show that I was there.

• 43:19Speaker 06

  Support the shows you love, including this one. Check the show notes for a link or go to maximumfun.org/join. Hey, Max Fun listeners, it's me, Jackie Kishen. I have a podcast with Lori Kilmartin. Say hi Lori. Hi, Jacqueline. Hi, Max Fun listeners. But I'm very formal. We have a podcast and it's about standup comedy and how much we love it and how much, uh, we dislike some of it. So listen to that podcast. It's called the Jackie and Lori Show. We drop new episodes every Wednesday that gives us plenty of time to decompress from our comedy weekends. And discuss things with sane, level heads. No, it doesn't. If you are a woman our age or a man our age.

• 44:01Speaker 06

  Or you know what? Any person of any age. I think you'll enjoy your podcast. Jackie and Lori Show on MaximumFun.org. Bye.

• 44:12Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I'd like to ask another question.

• 44:14Speaker 05

  Let's do it.

• 44:15Travis McElroy?

  Guys, I've been really struggling with this one and I'd really like to talk to you guys about it because you're my brothers and I trust you. A gentleman in my neighborhood has a vast collection of various sized stone tortoise sculptures. In his front yard that he arranges in a new way almost every day. I've never seen him moving them. Wait. And some of them look fairly heavy. So the fact that they seem to move overnight is both bewildering and entertaining. Uh-huh. I was able to take home from work some small palm sized stone tortoises. That a client of mine no longer wanted.

• 44:53Griffin McElroy?

  Question, asterisk, I'm gonna put a, I'm gonna put a bookmark in here to return to after the question is done.

• 44:59Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, paragraphs of context you've omitted. Brothers, is it weird if I add these two tiny reptiles to my neighbor's collection? Should I place them on his lawn and hope he finds them or maybe on his front porch?

• 45:18Travis McElroy?

  Should I start my own collection? Those are from Tortuga Trouble in Tejas.

• 45:24Griffin McElroy?

  So let's just, before we get into the question, because it's a great question.

• 45:29Travis McElroy?

  Uh-huh.

• 45:29Griffin McElroy?

  I do need to know what job you have that.

• 45:33Travis McElroy?

  There's simply no excuse for this.

• 45:35Griffin McElroy?

  Did result in you getting some small palm sized stone tortoises. That a client of, a small, I came home from work and I had small palm sized stone tortoises. Huh? That my client, what? No longer wanted. Huh?

• 45:51Travis McElroy?

  It must have been that it's a client whose home you had to go to, right? Because if you like worked in a law office or something and they brought palm sized.

• 46:01Griffin McElroy?

  Small stone tortoises they no longer wanted.

• 46:04Travis McElroy?

  Chance, someone would want them. P.S. I'm the, I'm the sort of strange bird that notices moving tortoises all the time. Like that's P.S. It's the other thing about it is I have clocked some magical tortoises. I've assumed, Justin, I assumed it was big movements and like posing, but now you've made me wonder if it's like they move a little bit every day.

• 46:27Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. So small, it could just be the tectonic plates shifting is slowly inching these guys around.

• 46:34Travis McElroy?

  I would love to be honest with this person and help them with their problem, but I need our listeners to start being more honest with me. And to start being a little bit more forthcoming. Cause there's a lot of things where you're taking advantage of the fact that this is an email.

• 46:48Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 46:48Travis McElroy?

  And we can't ask you follow up questions.

• 46:50Griffin McElroy?

  Questions. Yeah.

• 46:51Travis McElroy?

  You know that it doesn't, you know, you know, I, I choose to believe you know, you can't just go put them in the yard. I, I've decided you know better. You're, that one was for fun. That was for us to have a good laugh. Cause you know, you can't go put them in there.

• 47:05Griffin McElroy?

  I disagree.

• 47:08Griffin McElroy?

  One time I went hiking in the woods behind our house when we still lived in Austin with a four-year-old Henry and we were exploring the woods and nature, going back around the creek and having a cool time. And we were also looking for treasure. And at one point, I did have a little coin and it was like a little brass coin I'd gotten from a Renn Fair or something like that. And I hid it under some leaves nearby as we were walking around. I said, Hey, what's that? And then he found the brass coin and was like, there's treasure in these woods. And it was a magic moment that opened his eyes to the possibilities that of the world and life and anything's possible.

• 47:45Travis McElroy?

  It's a moment that has been repeated in literally every single season of Curse of Oak Island. I mean, every single.

• 47:51Griffin McElroy?

  Well, it's better to do it to a four-year-old.

• 47:53Travis McElroy?

  Magic's alive, like.

• 47:54Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. But it's okay to do it to a four-year-old. And this is what I'm saying. This is a harmless injection of magic and wonder and whimsy. What?

• 48:02Travis McElroy?

  You assume. I mean, the question.

• 48:03Griffin McElroy?

  Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Let me, let me try again. I assume this is a wonderful injection of magic and whimsy that someone will come out and see more turtles in their yard and be like, huh. And now they've got a mystery. They'll tell their, their partner or friends or someone else in their life. Hey, there's more turtles out there. What do you think that's about? And then they're looking at, like, it's fun. Like, it's just fucking fun.

• 48:24Travis McElroy?

  If the question asker has never seen the neighbor moving these tortoises around, this could be a curse, right? This could be a curse scenario where the turtles come alive at night and move around and do shit. And then they come out and see new palm-sized baby turtles and they're like, it's getting worse. Now, now I have to deal with this? Now they're, now they're breeding?

• 48:46Griffin McElroy?

  So I guess I don't usually, when I'm thinking of like advice to give people, I don't usually factor in curses. Like, I don't usually think, like, don't do it in case of dark spirit, in case you've been insidious to it. And because then you might get dragged into the upside down or whatever it's called. I don't do that. I usually think of like, what's a fun injection of whimsy, a harmless little mystery that you can give someone as a gift. And this seemed like one of those, but you're right, it might also be a curse.

• 49:14Travis McElroy?

  I bet that's.

• 49:15Griffin McElroy?

  Or a Toy Story.

• 49:16Travis McElroy?

  A lot of Blumhouse neighbors, people don't talk about the neighbors in Blumhouse movies who are seeing the like protagonist doing the things they're doing and just going like, look at that eccentric bastard. What a weird guy. And meanwhile, that guy's like really going through it.

• 49:34Griffin McElroy?

  He's really, really having a tough time.

• 49:36Travis McElroy?

  Speaking of eccentric, like, I feel like the one that I can pretty confidently roll out for you is the one where you have any conversation with this person. Because I will tell you with some degree of confidence that you don't become the sort of person that secretly moves stone turtles every night because you're such a hit at parties. You know what I mean? Like, I think you probably, that's something you sort of back into. And they're definitely not gonna own up. If you're like, are you secretly moving them at night? They're definitely gonna say something like, no, they've never seen it. Unless.

• 50:09Griffin McElroy?

  This is a wizard's test and he is doing it to see if anyone in his neighborhood is perceptive enough to notice that the stone turtles are moving and you come and knock on the door. A human's not gonna answer. A crow will. The crow will take you to the wizard. He'll say, ah, you finally.

• 50:26Travis McElroy?

  You've solved your secret.

• 50:27Griffin McElroy?

  Sneakarasmus. You've done well.

• 50:30Travis McElroy?

  If that happens, that's test number two. The crow is the wizard.

• 50:35Griffin McElroy?

  That's the test. Yeah. Cause you'll talk to the human wizard and he'll be like,

• 50:38Travis McElroy?

  He'll be like, out of the way, you stupid crow. Get out of the way, dumbass. I'm headed to my friend. I want to meet the wizard. Don't fall for it. Crow is the wizard. Kick him out of the way. Get out of the way, crow. We're talking crow. I got big, I got big things ahead of me. I want to be a wizard. Didn't you hear just now?

• 51:00Travis McElroy?

  Don't do it.

• 51:01Griffin McElroy?

  Could it be ants? Strong ants moving these little guys?

• 51:06Travis McElroy?

  They could do it.

• 51:07Griffin McElroy?

  Bunch of them together could move them.

• 51:09Travis McElroy?

  Can move the rubber tree plant. That's true. I've seen them make a bridge with their bodies.

• 51:13Griffin McElroy?

  They talk about how strong ants are. They do not talk about their intelligence. These guys are not smart. And so they do keep trying to eat these big stone turtles in their big anthills.

• 51:22Travis McElroy?

  Oh, I thought they were redesigning.

• 51:24Griffin McElroy?

  Like, they want the yard to look different?

• 51:26Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, they just, they just can't find the right place for these turtles, but they'll get it.

• 51:30Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. They probably would worship them.

• 51:33Travis McElroy?

  Maybe that's it. Maybe it's a sort of tribute they do every night. They move the stones around.

• 51:39Griffin McElroy?

  A lot of people get fire ants in their yard and they hire someone to exterminate them. I just put out a big cross in front of the anthill and then they'll see that and it's so monolithic and so huge to them that they'll like, get saved and stop biting people.

• 51:53Travis McElroy?

  You can bring over this, these two stone turtles you have and create a whole heretical sect, you know, this outcast from the main tribe because they like, they worship the new turtles, like they're new tur, they're new tur villagers. And then you have like old tur ants that only worship the old turts.

• 52:12Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, Bugs Life 2.

• 52:13Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, think about that.

• 52:13Griffin McElroy?

  Bugs Life 2, Bugs Life 2, like Dune 3, where it's like, maybe, maybe the religion was the problem the whole time. I, I've definitely got tone, undertones of that from a Bugs Life.

• 52:24Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 52:24Griffin McElroy?

  And from ants with a Z. And I think it's time for them to return to that universe and really chill down.

• 52:29Travis McElroy?

  Definitely a B movie.

• 52:31Griffin McElroy?

  Definitely.

• 52:32Travis McElroy?

  I don't know Dune. I've never watched Dune, except for the first two Dune movies.

• 52:36Griffin McElroy?

  Uh huh. Okay. So you've never watched Dune, except for all the Dune that there is?

• 52:40Travis McElroy?

  Just, sweet boy, there's, there's books, there's several adaptations. Eh, they're non-canonical. My only exposure to Dune has been the first two Dune movies that are, are out by Denis Villeneuve. And I just have to say that at the end of the second one, they're kind of hinting that he might become a bad guy. And if you guys trick me into rooting for Timmy Chimmy and then he turns bad, I'm gonna lose it. Okay? That's the hero of the movie, right? You don't turn the hero of the movie like the Luke Skywalker or the like dark man of the movie. You don't turn the hero of the movie evil. That's stupid. So they do that in the third one and it kind of hinted like they're doing it. They've

• 53:22Travis McElroy?

  tried it in other movies. If you remember Spider-Man 3, they tried to make him evil and everyone was like, ugh, cut it out. Never made another Spider-Man movie after that. Didn't make another Spider-Man movie where he was evil.

• 53:34Griffin McElroy?

  Toy Story. You're all like, I love Woody. He's doing his best. He's a funny cowboy and I love Tom Hanks's like voice and thinking about Tommy. And then he kills Buzz, he kills Buzz Lightyear. He tries to kill Buzz Lightyear.

• 53:45Travis McElroy?

  You're making, you're making a joke, but I'm saying Venom. We were so uncomfortable with that. He had to go be the hero of his own movies because the hero has to be the good guy.

• 53:57Griffin McElroy?

  They made movies about him?

• 53:58Travis McElroy?

  Three of them.

• 53:59Griffin McElroy?

  They made three.

• 53:59Travis McElroy?

  And he was a good guy in all of them, which is more than I could say for Timmy Chimmy, who seems like he's headed for a heel turn in Dune 3. And I'll just say, I would prefer the hero of the movie stay the hero. These movies are convincing enough without me having to figure out who the good person is now. Probably Zendaya. It's gotta be Duncan Idaho. With a name like Duncan Idaho, no one curses the name Duncan Idaho as a villain, right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who to root for, Trav.

• 54:23Griffin McElroy?

  Cause that's it. We might be rooting for Duncan Idaho and then he turns out to, Zendaya turns out.

• 54:27Travis McElroy?

  I thought it was pretty safe rooting for Willy Wonka.

• 54:30Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 54:30Travis McElroy?

  You know what I mean? I thought it was safe rooting for Marty Supreme. I don't know about that one.

• 54:36Griffin McElroy?

  No, he's gone rotten.

• 54:37Travis McElroy?

  Don't let us down, Denny.

• 54:39Griffin McElroy?

  Don't let us down. Make him good.

• 54:40Travis McElroy?

  Even if it changes the script. Change the movie. Still time to make him good. It's not too late. You can get it with ADR. You can get it with ADR. Like, just add in a bunch of psychs. Lot of B-roll while he talks over the B-roll, like show us Sand Dune and have him monologue over the Sand Dune about like, actually, you know what? Like turning away from camera and just, or like away from the person he's talking to towards cameras being like, psych. Psych. The Dune was in me the whole time.

• 55:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. All that shit I did, said about the ballet, that was promotion.

• 55:12Travis McElroy?

  That was viral marketing.

• 55:14Griffin McElroy?

  That was viral marketing for you to do this.

• 55:15Travis McElroy?

  PSL is back.

• 55:16Griffin McElroy?

  I'm a bad guy. PSL's back.

• 55:18Travis McElroy?

  PSL's back. The Dune trilogy has been.

• 55:22Griffin McElroy?

  One life, PSL advert.

• 55:24Travis McElroy?

  The spice is life.

• 55:33Travis McElroy?

  All right.

• 55:38Travis McElroy?

  Stupid. Oh, man. Thanks for listening.

• 55:42Griffin McElroy?

  That joke made me tired. I feel tired.

• 55:43Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. I have other stuff to do today and I don't know how. That was great. Hey, thanks for listening to our podcast. We love that you visit with us every week and, and are still here with us. And I'd love for you to show your loyalty to the show by picking up a utila drink tumbler right now at macaroymerch.com. You can go preorder your own right now. Nothing will confuse the people at the gym or school or work or wherever you take a drink more than a utila drink tumbler.

• 56:15Griffin McElroy?

  And you can explain to them, this is where I get my everything for the day. My caffeine, my medicine and everything I need right here in the utila drink tumbler.

• 56:25Travis McElroy?

  How many, how many website, how many merchandise websites do you think are, have the guts to make this the entire item description? Slaps top of Tumblr. You can fit so much probiotic boba in this bad boy in the description.

• 56:42Griffin McElroy?

  Amazing. You don't need to know anything else.

• 56:44Travis McElroy?

  Buy it up, jackass. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will also be donated to the Midwest Food Bank's Disaster Relief Fund. So go check that out, macaroymerch.com. And the Besties Live on Broadway, October 9th, a month away at this point at Town Hall in NYC. Get your tickets at bit.ly/bestiesonbroadway.

• 57:04Griffin McElroy?

  I have my utila drink tumbler downstairs. That would make a good toss.

• 57:07Travis McElroy?

  I made this fidget. You want me to throw this? I don't want you to break it. No, it's okay. I've been printing a lot of these things. The kids are crazy for them. Sydney likes them too. They're, they're weird fidgets because they're, they're supposed to hurt. They're uncomfortable.

• 57:20Griffin McElroy?

  Ooh, I got an expired passport.

• 57:21Travis McElroy?

  Poki. That's cool. Throw that. Yeah, do that. Right over your shoulder.

• 57:27Griffin McElroy?

  Sorry, this is my current passport.

• 57:28Travis McElroy?

  Okay, still. Fidget it is.

• 57:31Griffin McElroy?

  Do we do a double?

• 57:32Travis McElroy?

  I have scissors. Yeah, let's do all three. We should all three throw something.

• 57:36Griffin McElroy?

  At the same time, ready?

• 57:37Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 57:37Griffin McElroy?

  Three, two, one.

• 57:40Travis McElroy?

  I didn't look.

• 57:43Travis McElroy?

  Oh, I hit my rocketeer helmet. You okay, bud?

• 57:46Griffin McElroy?

  What was making noise?

• 57:48Travis McElroy?

  Eh, doesn't matter.

• 57:51Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome. Great.

• 57:53Travis McElroy?

  I'm Justin. I'm Travis.

• 57:55Griffin McElroy?

  I'm Griffin. What made noise?

• 57:57Travis McElroy?

  Was it a fidget? Don't run my brother in me. Cause your dad's.

• 58:01Griffin McElroy?

  Did you break something?

• 58:02Travis McElroy?

  I'll talk about it after.

• 58:35Travis McElroy?

  Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows, supported directly by you.