Listener Tales 111: Camping Tales

Weirdos! It's one of our favorite times of the month: Listener Tales!! This time, Deb has found some spine tingling camping tales that will make you rethink ever stepping foot in the woods again! The best part? These tales are BY you FOR you and ALL ABOUT YOU! We go off the rails the week, so strap in, friends! Check out the YOUTUBE version is packed with extra Nicholas footage! If you’ve got a listener tale please send it to Deb by emailing us at [email protected] with “Listener Tales” somewhere in the subject line, and if you share pictures, please let us know if we can share them with fellow weirdos! :)

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Getting a good night's sleep can start well before your head hits that pillow. I take my nighttime routine very seriously. I need a cup of tea, honey. I gotta go upstairs. I gotta do my skincare routine. And then I need to lay in bed and maybe do a little meditation on my Hatch Alarm Clock. The Hatch Sleep Clock is a different kind of sleep tracker, designed to help make sense of sleep without adding more stress. Contactless tracking works right from the nightstand. No ring or wristband required, nothing to wear, and nothing to recharge. Honestly, checking in on my sleep score all the time and wondering if I slept well enough kind of makes like sleeping an anxiety inducing activity for me. So I love that Hatch Sleep Clock skips sleep scores and score chasing.

• 0:43Speaker 00

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• 1:28Speaker 00

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• 2:11Speaker 00

  leaving more time for building that epic backyard snow fort. I'm obsessed with that. I will absolutely be putting this in Drew's stocking. Buy Old Spice Holiday Packs for a limited time to give the gift of scent this holiday season. Hey weirdos, I'm Bigfoot. And I'm Mothman. Duh. I actually can't believe you like macked on my man like that.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's crazy. And he belongs to everybody, I feel.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  News to me. News to me, Mothman.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  My costume didn't come in time, so.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  So.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Pretend I'm Bigfoot.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I cricketed that.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  She made this for me, Mothman woman, Mothman.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Mothmama.

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Mothmama. I love it. I also just like that you're wearing like Nancy from The Craft sunglasses.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  I respect it. Those actually.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  I'm excited for these.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  I was gonna say, would you just wear those anyway?

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  Oh, and this is morbid.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Yep, and it's listener tales. In case you didn't know why you were here.

• 3:24Speaker 00

  It is brought to you by you, for you, from you, and all about you.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  All about you.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  And this listener tale is camping themed.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Which is why we are creatures of the forest.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Camping is something I am unfamiliar with.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  And something I would never like to be familiar with again.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  You've camped before, like in a tent?

• 3:45Speaker 01

  When I was younger.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  In a tent?

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  I learn new things about her every day.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, with one of my friends. I went with their family.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  Why?

• 3:54Speaker 01

  Cause I thought it was gonna be fun.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  I went camping once. Donna?

• 3:58Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  That's my mother-in-law's name. Donna, are you watching?

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Wait, doesn't Donna like camping?

• 4:03Speaker 00

  Oh my god, Donna loves camping.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, Donna loves camping.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  He's reminding me.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:07Speaker 00

  I went glamping.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  That's literally.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  He's like, you camped with Donna? And I did, and I've told you about this, but when Drew, Drew's family doesn't, they used to camp, like when they were younger, but they glam, or not even really anymore, but they used to glamp.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  I love.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  They had like a really nice, um. You can't stay.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Nicholas, we only ask like an hour of your time, if that's okay.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Is it my story? Is it just that you don't care?

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Can you stay for like an hour?

• 4:32Speaker 00

  It's a lot of questions, sorry.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  If you could stay for like an hour, that would be sick, but if you can, I understand.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  But yeah, that's one of the only times that I ever got, um, sleep paralysis is when I stayed in there.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  That makes sense.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  I don't know if it's, I don't know if, I'm not sure what the difference between a camper and an RV is. Is there one?

• 4:49Speaker 01

  Beats me.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  They had a nice thing that we. Go pack?

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Go back.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  Go back.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  No, Nicholas, I'm not going to. He said, it seems like it was nice.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  No, here's why I'm not going to.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  It was like an, you know, a, a, a vehicle that you park in the woods and you sleep in. Um, like a nice one. And I got sleep paralysis there and I thought of the Blair Witch a lot.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Valid.

• 5:12Speaker 00

  It was scary.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  I think that's so fair.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  And if you're gonna get sleep paralysis anywhere, it's gonna be camping.

• 5:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Or glamping.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  I don't wanna do it again.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  I won't be doing it again.

• 5:21Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't like it.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  I will not be doing it again. I don't belong sleeping outside.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  I don't like the woods. We just went into the woods and I stepped in poison ivy and now I'm really paranoid about it.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  I mean, I love the woods.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  I like looking at the woods.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  And I like, like, a nice walk through the woods.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  And I loved, you know, I, I like hanging in the woods sometimes. I don't.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 5:41Speaker 01

  But I feel like it's, it's whimsical. It's vibey.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  I haven't hung out in the woods since I was like a drunk teenager.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  And like, you remember woods parties? And, yeah, so that was the thing.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  I actually referenced woods parties, um, during one of my live show segments.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  Oh, there you go.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's funny. Oh, woods parties were the best.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  They were fun.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  What I would give.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  The woods.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  That's a good thing of the woods, but I'm not sleeping out there.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  Somebody would inevitably always say, the cops are coming! And everyone would run into the, like, into the actual woods on the clearing.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Every time someone would yell cops.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  And the cops were never coming.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  They were never coming.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Except the cops did come one time.

• 6:15Speaker 00

  So.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  They did come one time.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  That one time they did come, but that wasn't my business.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  Well, now that's the woods, so.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  And this, and this is the, your, that's our woods. But this is brought to you by you for you from you and all about you, so we need to move on from us.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  This is your woods.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Tell, tell us.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  This is not our woods.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  Tell us the tale of, of the camping woods.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  So the first woods that are your woods.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Your woods.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Yours.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  L woods.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  This is gonna, the first one is, don't drink those fucking murder beers and how my dog vomited to save our lives. What do you do? Sorry, it's been a little while. You can just hang out. Um, and if you have anything to say, go right ahead and say it because you're spooky and everyone loves you, Nicholas.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Period.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Okay, so whatever you feel. If you have something you wanna yell out, yell it out, babe.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  In fact, more. More people are into your vibes Nicholas lately.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  They are.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  We had a few haters.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  But you're always gonna have haters Nicholas. That's how you know that you're doing something right.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, you probably have a page on Reddit.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  You absolutely have a page on Reddit.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  But it all comes around and eventually people love you.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  They're loving you.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  And Nicholas, I don't know, maybe you should come to the live show with us for a little while.

• 7:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's gonna.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Period.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Uh, so let's, let's start here. So the murder beer guy and why you should never camp in Bend, Oregon. Uh, I said Oregon. I said it right.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Good for you.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  But in my heart, it's Oregon.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  Also, I'm never gonna camp in Bend, Oregon.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  No.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  And I'm never gonna camp anywhere.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  No, especially not Oregon, because of the Oregon Trail.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna camp and get dysentery.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 7:51Speaker 00

  Jinx.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Uh, this is a doozy and maybe too long. I'm not sure. I like that. I like that you're not sure right when we start. You're like, I don't really know.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  I wanna start out in a good old fashion listener tales tradition and say how I almost said stink because I'm wearing sunglasses.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  Oh my gosh.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Uh, how stoked I am to have found your podcast. My name is Sarah and yes, you can use it.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Uh, my therapist says that listening to your podcast is almost like a meditation. I love that. That was before I mentioned it was a murder pod.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  I was wondering if your therapist had all the information.

• 8:24Speaker 01

  I said, wow, me and my partner are tattoo artists and we spend a good amount of time traveling. This wasn't the first time we had camped near Bend. I like this.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  I like this.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  I like this so far. I like you. I like this.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  I like the vibe.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  I like this Sarah. The best description I can make of the humans that inhabit this dusty, forsaken land is as follows. Everyone is either a hipster, a hippie, or straight up good old boy, backwoods redneck. Whoa.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  I liked that for a short moment.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  And then you said, good old boy. And I said, hate that.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  Hate that. So I'm gonna take these off while I read because my eyes are not good enough. And then while you read, I will put them back on.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Perfect. The three don't get along, but everyone can agree on one thing. The woods are a place, are the place to be. And there are a lot of woods in this area. I mean, hundreds of square miles of dense, uninhabited woodlands. From mountain biking, camping, river rafting, hiking, off-roading, shooting guns. There's a lot outdoorsy stuff to do in the area. And that brings us to our story.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  I don't know why I felt the need to do that.

• 9:32Speaker 00

  I really liked that you did that, to be honest.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Can I do that on YouTube?

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Like, am I allowed to YouTube do that?

• 9:38Speaker 01

  Can you boof on YouTube? You can boof on YouTube.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Are we still gonna get monetized?

• 9:46Speaker 01

  If you boof on YouTube.

• 9:47Speaker 00

  Well, not, no, not boof. That means poop. It doesn't even, boof means poop to me. Like, I'm always like, oh, gotta boof. But to other people, I think that means shove a tampon soaked in alcohol up your butt to get drunk.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Who are these other people?

• 10:07Speaker 00

  I'm too old for this.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  I'm too old to be on the internet.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Wait, we have a Gen Z post behind the camera. That's what boofing is, isn't it?

• 10:19Speaker 00

  Like, I, I'm always just, well, not always. One day, I just started calling pooping boofing. And farting, for that matter, too. This is a little about me.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  Honestly, I like that. Like, that makes sense. Like, I feel like that, that's right.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. But I shouldn't say it too much in front of people that don't know me.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Apparently not.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  Cause they're like, oh, you're just announcing.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Soak a tampon in alcohol and put it in your butt.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  Not even that, it can literally just be.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  Wait.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  You put the bottle in your butt? What? What?

• 10:55Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  I'm.

• 10:59Speaker 00

  How does that work? I feel like you'd have to do a handstand for that to work.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  He said, yep.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  Yep. I don't know how we got here.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  I'm from another time, so I don't know. I've, I've landed here accidentally.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  My people just drank.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, my people just go fast and drink.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Via the mouth.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  I don't know about this. So my partner Chago is really into mountain biking and there are some really popular trails in the area.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  At first I just read that as is really into mountain.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  Just really into mountain.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  My partner Chago loves mountain.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  One thing about me, love mountain.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Chago plus mountain equal love.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  And by the head of one of the main trails is BLM land dispersed campsites. If you don't know what that means, it's basically free campsites with zero camp amenities like toilets, benches, tables, designated campsites, or a camp host. And it says, yay shitting in a hole.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  Or boofing.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Or

• 11:59Speaker 01

  just primitive camping in the creepy woods. We love that kind of thing, especially since it's free. That sounds horrifying to me. I'm not gonna lie.

• 12:06Speaker 00

  Shitting in a hole?

• 12:07Speaker 01

  All of that.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Like that there's nothing, there's no amenities, there's no toilets, benches, tables, designated campsites, a camp host, nothing.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't like it.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it was Chago and I with our pup camping out here down a long dirt road off the side of a main highway. We were maybe half a mile down this dirt road at a campsite that was pretty far away from any other people camping out there. We hate people.

• 12:29Speaker 00

  So do we.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Same. Down the road, a bit deeper is there were bigger campsites with a ton of people in their RVs and trailers and some tent camps. And a bit further down, they had some logging activity happening. So big logging trucks were occasionally seen barreling down the dusty road. The first night went swimmingly. Our pup's first camping trip had her rolling in the dirt like the little piggy she was. And I had my hammock up and a nice book. Oh, relaxing. Chago rode his mountain bike to the local trails and was gone for a couple hours while I just hung out at the site. Then we drove into town to see my nephews and afterwards we met up with some friends and had some drinks. We got back to the camp kind of late that night and Chago was pretty buzzed.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  This night was not so relaxing with him being in a booze induced bear like hibernation. I felt alone and kind of scared.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  I don't blame you.

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Sarah.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  The forest was too quiet. Every little snap of a twig had my heart jumping. My dog either picked up on my anxiety or just felt the vibe and was whisper borking at every noise.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Oh my God, I love when they do that.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  I know exactly that whisper, that like.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  Sometimes Dolo does it in her sleep.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Yep. Something wasn't right. Not even the crickets were chirping like they were the night before. Dead, silent. Now, I have a completely irrational fear of Bigfoot murdering me in my sleep. Scream. He said, "You should scream."

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yell, Sarah.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  That will make Bigfoot go away.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Listen, we're misunderstood.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  But I feel like a scream would make you be like, "Oh."

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, it'd go away. I don't want to hear it, but like, I'm not gonna murder you.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Well, that's the thing. You hear a scream, you're like, "Oh, that was not my intention."

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  I didn't mean to upset you.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  It kind of bums me out.

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course. I've always felt that way.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  I'm not trying to bother anyone.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, Big Feet?

• 14:10Speaker 00

  They just want to buy Bigfoot feet?

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, Bigfoot feet. Um, I have a completely irrational fear of Bigfoot murdering me in my sleep while camping. And this forest was very squatchy, as the guys on the show Bigfoot Hunters like to say. I actually love that.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  How dare they hunt me?

• 14:25Speaker 01

  So, how dare they? So I just chalked the bad feeling up to these squatchy woods and my irrational fear, and finally drifted off to an unsettled sleep.

• 14:35Speaker 00

  Squatchy is a gross word.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  It's kind of hilarious.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  It's like onomatopoeia.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  The next day, Chago and I had a bit of a tiff, and him having a brutal hangover was surely to blame.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  Uh oh.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  I decided to take a walk for some air and took my dog with me. She's a Frenchie and quite buff, so she looks kind of tough. That being said, she's scared of literally anything, including piles of towels that weren't there earlier, or statues or reflections in the mirror.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  I'm obsessed with that.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Anyways, we walked up the road deeper into the woods and turned off to the right-hand side after I spotted a pile of rocks that seemed like a good lookout spot to contemplate my whole existence and try to distract myself.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Were you pretending that you were in a music video?

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Oh, absolutely.

• 15:13Speaker 00

  I hope so.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, you have to. You always have to. To do, when you're walking or when you're alone in the car?

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, driving in the rain.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 15:21Speaker 00

  Looking out the window.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  You are the main character.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  And your mom's Ford Taurus in the backseat?

• 15:26Speaker 01

  And here's the thing, always do that, forever.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  It's called whimsical.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  Be the main character of your own life, okay?

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Whimsy up your life.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  And don't feel bad about it.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  Romanticize that shit.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, romanticize.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Happy, he's romanticizing his life.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  He is, he's like, "I love that. That makes me happy." Because, Nicholas, you're the main character of our lives as well.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  So, we were a few hundred feet from the dirt road down a slight hill. That's where I heard a noise coming from behind me and deeper into the woods. A kind of specific rumbling of an engine and a blasting of AC/DC through some shitty speakers.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  What song?

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Very specific sounding.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  True. True.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  I turned around to see where the noise was coming from and spotted a white Ford cargo van coming down the road.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  That's never good.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  I'm gonna get out of there.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Run.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  The front windows were down and I could see a man with a scraggly beard and a weird sun hat singing loudly and moving erratically.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  I don't hate it quite yet.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  I'm not like totally put off by this yet.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  He's just singing.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Slightly.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  Moving erratically.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:29Speaker 00

  Maybe he's just a white person dancing. I'm known to move erratically as well.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  We're all known to do that.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  My dog's hair stood on end all down her body and I got a creeping anxious feeling as he passed out of sight, heading towards our camp and the main road.

• 16:43Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  I specifically remember thinking as he passed, thank fuck he didn't see us down here alone in the woods.

• 16:49Speaker 00

  Well, trust your gut.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  That's a gut feeling, babe.

• 16:51Speaker 00

  We're, we weren't there and we're in our house.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  So, what do we know?

• 16:55Speaker 01

  You tell me that you suddenly felt, thank fuck that he didn't see us alone in the woods, that tells me something.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Uh, shortly after, I saw Chago emerge from the trees riding up the road on his mountain bike. He spotted us and came down to where we were. He mentioned that he saw a white van pass our camp. He said the van slowed down and the man driving made eye contact with my partner as he crept past our camp. "He looked like he was scoping out our campsite," Chago said, "so I knew I had to come find you and make sure you weren't in the back of that van."

• 17:27Speaker 00

  That's nice.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was very nice, especially after a fight.

• 17:30Speaker 00

  I know. He still loves you.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  "The thought made me shiver. We hung out for a bit and made up, tried to teach our dog how to ride alongside the bike. The little dumb baby did great until she bolted in front of the bike's path, almost causing Chago to yeet himself off the bike."

• 17:45Speaker 00

  That's tough.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Uh, we then walked back to, that is tough. We then walked back to camp, forgetting the weird van guy, and getting ready to head to town. As we were packing up, I heard a noise coming from the direction of where the dirt road starts. Through the densely packed barren trunk, trunks of dusty trees, I saw the first glimpses of white. It was the van. The roar of the engines and blasting tinny music was very specific. I said, fuck, it's that van again. The anxiety started again. We sat and watched it rumble up the road through the trees. As it came closer, we just knew some shit was gonna happen. But it's like we were frozen. It got closer to our isolated, single campsite and then fucking rolled to a stop.

• 18:27Speaker 00

  I hate it here.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Before we knew what was happening, my dog flipped her shit and started barking like I've never heard and ran at the van. Get her, I shouted to Chago as he tried to chase after her. The man leaned out his window and I could see his greasy, long, black beard and long hair.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  Wash your hair.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  His weird straw sunhat and truck stop sunglasses kind of obscured his face.

• 18:50Speaker 00

  There's nothing wrong with gas station sunglasses.

• 18:52Speaker 01

  But like, put together with all this.

• 18:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 18:55Speaker 01

  He was trying to say something to us through the nasty tobacco stained face hole that was still missing some front teeth.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  Our dog was still going cuckoo nuts. And though the barking, through the barking, the guy asked, do you guys drink?

• 19:09Speaker 00

  Not with you, babe.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Huh? At this moment, Chago reached the van and my dog. It was trying to wrangle her in while trying to look as tough as possible. He said, I'm getting my French bulldog. I'm getting my little Frenchy. We were both almost fully covered in tattoos and he is as an intimidating looking guy. This did nothing for us in this case. It was chaos. He tried to calm our dog down and as he was trying, the man turned around and reached for something in the back of his windowless white van. So cliche.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  No.

• 19:40Speaker 01

  At the exact same time as this man reached behind him, my dog stopped barking and turned to look back at me. I saw why she stopped barking. She was basically projectile vomiting at that moment.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  What a superpower.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  She was, right?

• 19:53Speaker 00

  She said, I'll save you.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  She was looking back at me with panic in her eyes. She was so worked up over this greasy human that she puked.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  I get it.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Same girl, same. She said, stay away from my pawwens. Insert vomit noises at the end of pawwens.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  That, that, that.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  There you go. Anyways, the man turned back around and had something in his hands. It was two beers. Chago was so caught off guard from the projectile vomiting, LDB, little dumb baby, he just instinctively took them out of the man's greasy, dirty hands. Rapture.

• 20:27Speaker 00

  Not the rapture, honey, Nicholas. Right now? I think we just got past a rapture.

• 20:33Speaker 01

  It's I'm sure, I'm sure another one's scheduled.

• 20:36Speaker 00

  What would you do if I just went floating up into the ether?

• 20:38Speaker 01

  If I just went?

• 20:39Speaker 00

  I was just like, oh, I'm going to heaven. Bye, guys.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  Me and Nate are just like, fuck.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  You, you both go, she wasn't even baptized.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Goddamn.

• 20:49Speaker 00

  Well, you guys were both baptized, weren't you?

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, you'd be so pissed.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:53Speaker 00

  She wasn't even go here.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  I'm his godmother.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. I think like technically your mind too, even though I didn't get baptized, my mom was like, yeah. That's how that works.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  That's me.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  My mom claimed she baptized me herself at the hospital, but I don't think that works that way.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  I don't think that's how that works.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  She said she found some holy water. She probably just like found this man with the beer, someone poured one on my head. So that'll work. That'll do.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  She found the little basin somewhere and she was like, eh, liquid.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  It was probably like somebody's bedpan.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  Somebody's piss that she just found.

• 21:28Speaker 00

  That explains a lot about me. Thanks, Stars.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  Leave it in.

• 21:35Speaker 00

  Anyway, we'll see what happens next rapture, Nicholas. But that's, that's evidently why I won't be getting picked. I was baptized in a bedpan. Canon.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  A canon event.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  Oh, God, now people are gonna message me and be like, I'll baptize you.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's gonna get weird. Just get ready. Uh, thanks, man. Have a nice day. Tiago said in a way that invited no further dialogue and was very direct in the deepest man voice.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  He said, get out.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  The guy smiled the gross, crazy looking smile and slowly rolled off. That's when he turned his attention to me, still sitting far back away from the road, trying to position myself behind my parked car.

• 22:16Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  He made eye contact and as he rolled by, he shouted to me, I like your hair. You look like my sister.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  What the fuck?

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Your sister?

• 22:28Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  You look like my sister.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  That's mine?

• 22:34Speaker 01

  I don't know what that is.

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Is that your sister, Nicholas?

• 22:36Speaker 01

  That's my, he's like, that's my life.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  Using my best unfuckwithable tough bitch face, I just politely but sternly replied, "Thanks."

• 22:47Speaker 00

  Thanks.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  And stared him down as his van crawled away.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  Ew.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  Chago dragged our girl back to camp and we tried to clean her up. After that was done, we looked at the beers the man had handed him. They were called Boneyard something. "Don't drink those fucking beers," I told Chago as he put them in the fucking cooler like a dingus Maximus.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Chago.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  We packed up extra light, uh, extra tight, look, uh, took all our valuables with us and headed to town to take my nephews on a bike ride to a more kid-friendly park. This park, we went, also had some more advanced trails. So while I sat and hung out with the children, Chago took a couple laps on his bike. Generally enjoying the day and forgetting about the weirdness from earlier, me and the boys played in the sunshine and chased butterflies. This, that's adorable.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  I heard the familiar whirring of Chago's bike and looked up. Surprised by the look of alarm on his face, I stood up and asked, "What's wrong?" As he finally reached us. He told me about how during his ride, he ran into an older guy at the top of the trail and had a very interesting and alarming conversation.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Uh oh.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  The old guy told Chago that he wouldn't have been on this particular trail if it wasn't for a closure of Phil's Trailhead where we were camping.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Oh, god damn it.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  Chago thought he was just talking about how because of the logging in the area, some of the trails over there were closed. "No, not that," the guy continued. "The police barricade of the road, the K-9 units, helicopters, drones, and complete energy of, emergency evacuation of the area due to a criminal on the loose."

• 24:16Speaker 00

  What? You guys missed that?

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Oh shit, we're camping over there, Chago responded. That was happening while they were in the other park.

• 24:24Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Oh, is it you they're looking for then? The guy coyly asked as he laughed and rode away.

• 24:31Speaker 00

  He said, I gotta fucking go.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Fuck that.

• 24:35Speaker 01

  Immediately, I got on my phone and started searching the news for any information. The closure and emergency evacuations were confirmed. The cause was someone in the exact campground area we had at our camp at had called in and threatened to kill everyone in the area and then kill themselves. They said that they had a fully loaded rifle and handgun with them.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Panicking, we packed up and headed to town, but the closure was still active. So we dared not try to return to camp. We sat at a restaurant called Dump City.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  Why the fuck would you ever name your restaurant Dump City? That's crazy marketing.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Reckless as fuck.

• 25:13Speaker 00

  I'm obsessed with it, kind of, that they were just like, it doesn't matter if we call it this.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  Uh, we had a couple of drinks and said, oh dumplings. Dump City, come for the dumplings.

• 25:24Speaker 00

  Hell, I don't know. Wow, you should call them. Give them your idea.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  I got you, Dump City.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  I do love dumplings.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  I do too.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  But I don't know if I'd get them from Dump City.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Well, they also kept an eye on the press releases and waited for an update. The update finally came. Police apprehended a man who was intoxicated and had made the call from his white Ford cargo van camped out in the BLM forest by Phil's Trailhead.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  Or Nor.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  It was him, the beer guy.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  Maybe it's a good thing that you looked like his sister.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe that's what

• 25:54Speaker 00

  spared you.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  It all worked. It was him, the beer guy. Now, the murder beer guy really sunk in. He had reached behind him and had in his possession two guns, which he planned to use on people in the area, but instead pulled out some beers to ever so kindly hand to us and send my dog into a vomit attack of panic. This crazy guy had probably reached around his firearms to hand us those beers.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  That, I feel like I would spend the rest of my life being like, why didn't he kill us?

• 26:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's stressful as fuck.

• 26:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  Started racing. What if we had been mean to him?

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  What if I didn't remind him of his sister?

• 26:32Speaker 00

  I'm telling you.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  What if the dog hadn't vomited and distracted Chago and he said something rude or told him to fuck off? Like we would have done in any other circumstance.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Cause you would have been fully within your bounds to do that.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  What if he had seen me alone in the woods? Was that the bad feeling I got the night before? Because the man had been camped in those same woods? What if, what if, what if?

• 26:52Speaker 00

  Oh, I like how you ended that.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  I told Chago again, don't drink those fucking murder beers. We raced back to our campsite after the all clear and packed up haphazardly at record speed. And got the fuck out of those woods. We camped in my sister, another sister, in my sister's driveway the next night and enjoyed a non-squatchy, non-murder-y evening.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  That's a nice evening.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Except Chago drank the goddamn murder beers.

• 27:18Speaker 00

  Here's the thing, I like had a feeling Chago was gonna drink the murder beers.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Chago lives life on the edge.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  He does live on the edge.

• 27:25Speaker 00

  And I respect that about Chago.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Good for Chago.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  Then, in the theme of the day, proceeded to projectile vomit the bad juju that was for sure encapsulated in those ominous boneyard beers.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  And there it is. I hope this was entertaining because it's definitely a staple story for the rest of our lives. Chago quit drinking shortly after this experience and is now enjoying the amazing, an amazing sobriety.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  Hell yeah, Chago.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  And she said, so proud of him. And I say, so proud of you, Chago.

• 27:52Speaker 00

  Fuck yeah.

• 27:52Speaker 01

  Fuck yeah. I hope you enjoyed this and I hope you keep aware, but not so aware that you narrowly avoid possibly getting yoinked out of existence by a greasy, crazy van guy. But get saved by a distracting projectile vomiting puppy and possibly looking like said man's sister. But then drink murder beers and get so sick that you give up drinking forever. Or do whatever floats your boat.

• 28:12Speaker 00

  Hey, whatever works, right? Oh my God, I love your dog.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Oh my God, I hope you have a tattoo of that dog because that's the most tattooable dog I've ever seen.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  A beaut.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  A beaut, in fact.

• 28:21Speaker 01

  A true beaut.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  I feel like, um, what's that style? Um, I don't know.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Period.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 28:31Speaker 00

  No, um, like, I like.

• 28:34Speaker 00

  I don't know, that dog just looks like a tattoo.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  He does look like a tattoo.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  You know what I'm saying?

• 28:38Speaker 01

  It's a beautiful dog.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Look at you with your cool sunglasses on.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I gotta put them on.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  I just wanna stare at your dog.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  When it's time to vibe. Uh, Sarah, that was an amazing story and it was really scary and I was on the edge of my seat.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Literally.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  That man would have killed you.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, if you didn't look like his sister.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  So I'm really glad that you guys, good for Chago. I think Chago read the room too. I think he was just like, thanks, man.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Bye. Like he got the vibe.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was smart.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  You guys were smart.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Good job, Sarah.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  I kinda just burped that at you, sorry.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  Good job.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  Alright. Tale two, my real life man or the bear?

• 29:09Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 29:11Speaker 00

  The bear, the bear, the bear.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  That scares me a lot.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  This listener would like to remain anonymous and we'll allow that.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  We will allow you to remain anonymous.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Fine. Hey, morbid fam, you know that question that has been popular recently on the ticky-tacky?

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 29:24Speaker 00

  The one asked of women, you're alone in the woods, who would you rather encounter, a man or a bear? Here's my real life answer. In August of twenty twenty four, I was, oh my, I almost just read I was blowjobs.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  Just, I was.

• 29:38Speaker 00

  I was blowjobs.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  I just became.

• 29:42Speaker 00

  What the fuck?

• 29:43Speaker 01

  It says I was between jobs.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Like, not even slightly that word.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  But I just made you become.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  I don't know what that means about me. I'm not gonna explore it.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Sorry, sorry, anonymous. I was between jobs. And I decided to visit my happy place, McLeod Falls in California, is out near Shasta. And there's a campground that runs along three gorgeous waterfalls.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  That could call to me.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Wouldn't camp there, but I'd go there.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  I'd go there. I'd look at it.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'd look at it and then I'd go home. I had been there at least five times already, but I just love it so much out there that I had to go again. I stayed about a week and although I went alone, the campsites around me were all occupied with happy campers. The first night, I slept in my tent but didn't sleep well. So I left my tent up as a placeholder and slept in my car instead. I've been on the road a lot and I prefer my car because it has a hard shell. I can get more comfortable and I can leave quickly if I need to.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  Smart.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  I also didn't have campfires because I go to bed early, so I can wake up early. So the days go by of exploring and swimming, I saw tons of deer and one morning I even saw a baby black bear. They're so cute.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  They're so cute. Leave them alone.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  Don't go near them. Don't be like John and get out of the car and try to follow them.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Yep, John tried to look at one very closely.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  And even his 10 year old children said, maybe you shouldn't do that.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  He said that was dumb, dad.

• 31:07Speaker 00

  On my last day, I decided to pop a cap.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  What?

• 31:11Speaker 00

  In someone's ass?

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Hello?

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 31:18Speaker 00

  What, what does that say about us? Because I think you mean open a beer. But I've never heard that.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  I've never heard that.

• 31:26Speaker 00

  The only pop a cap I've ever heard is in someone's ass. And that means shoot them.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  That's I immediately thought of that.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  I've never heard that for like, open a Sodi.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  Like a Sodi. I thought it was like, I, I've heard like, crack one open, you know?

• 31:44Speaker 00

  My last day, I decided to shoot someone's ass.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  And that's it, period.

• 31:48Speaker 00

  And that's the litter tale.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Why is this one so funny?

• 31:53Speaker 00

  I see why you wanted her to remain anonymous.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  Alright, so I decided to pop a cap.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  And this person, whoever it is, is like, are you ass for real?

• 32:06Speaker 01

  What did he just say?

• 32:07Speaker 00

  What did he say?

• 32:10Speaker 00

  No way, you shot someone's ass.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  No way. That's crazy.

• 32:24Speaker 00

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• 33:32Speaker 00

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• 34:17Speaker 00

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• 34:59Speaker 00

  So you popped a cap and you hiked the length of the waterfall.

• 35:04Speaker 00

  Uh and conclude the day by swimming at the middle falls. The water is very cold, but once you get used to it, you can stay in all day. I was like a chubby mermaid out there. I swam under the fall.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  Just picturing a chubby mermaid shooting.

• 35:21Speaker 00

  Just a chubby mermaid with like a Glock.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  What's happening?

• 35:29Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  What has happened?

• 35:30Speaker 00

  It's the pop of the cap.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  It is.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  So I swam under the falls and I floated with only the sounds of constantly crashing water. It was getting towards the on towards evening and I realized a lot of people had left and there was only two men standing on the bank.

• 35:43Speaker 01

  Hate that. Get out of there.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  I continued to luxuriate in the falls for as long as I could. And when I got back to the bank, there was only one man left. Somehow that's worse than two men.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

• 35:53Speaker 00

  I don't know why. As I was drying off and getting ready to walk back to camp, this tall overweight fedora, my lady looking mother.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Oh, no, like m'lady?

• 36:02Speaker 00

  M'lady.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 36:04Speaker 00

  M'lady looking motherfucker approached me. He said, could you take a picture of me? He was holding his phone and this seemed like a normal request. I said, sure. And started to climb down the rocks to take his phone. That's when he said, I want to send my girlfriends in the Philippines a nude photo of me.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Oh, go fuck yourself, dude.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  You're so nasty.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Go fuck yourself.

• 36:24Speaker 00

  Put your junk away.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  I'd literally be like, fuck off and die.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  She would say that.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  Fuck off and die.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  I'd just scream.

• 36:31Speaker 01

  You nasty bitch.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  I'd scream and jump back into the water.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  No, fuck off.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  I just grabbed his phone and I immediately said, sorry, I can't do that. And I handed his phone back. I grabbed my stuff and I walked slash jogged as fast as I could back to camp. I was pissed. This was the last night of my magical camping trip and now I have to look over my shoulder. I wished I had thrown his phone.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  I don't blame you, girl.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  You should have. You just stomped on it.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  But you know what? You were being smart.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  You were. And that very same thought triggered my first memory of coming to these falls a few years before. This same motherfucker asked me that same question at the same fall years before.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  What?

• 37:05Speaker 00

  I had forgotten because I had so many adventures around that time. And so the memory kind of just faded.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Good for you.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  Then I thought.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  I love that she was like, life is so great that I just forgot about that. Shitty thing.

• 37:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  Good for you.

• 37:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 37:17Speaker 01

  That's awesome.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  So I had so many great adventures around that time that memory had faded. Then I thought how gross and pathetic that this guy is still out here trying to get women to take pictures of his teeny weenie. Like dude, don't you have a life?

• 37:27Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:27Speaker 00

  If this was Dante's Inferno, I imagine he would be in the second level where lusty fucks are quote blown into a violent storm without hope of rest.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah.

• 37:35Speaker 00

  And he would just be walking around for all of eternity with a broken camera, asking for people to let him pose nude.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  Yup.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  So I got back to camp, still pissed and upset and climbed into my car and watched the trailhead to make sure he hadn't followed me. I was in the clear now and I decided to totally pack up so that and so that that.

• 37:51Speaker 01

  So that that.

• 37:51Speaker 00

  So that that. So that in the morning I could GTFO. Once I was packed up, I noticed that a lot of the campers around me had left. The camp docent was only a couple of spots away in a cabin, so I felt okay. I got ready for bed and curled up in my car. What's a docent? Do you know?

• 38:07Speaker 01

  Like, I know, like, uh, there's like a museum docent.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Well, what's a docent?

• 38:12Speaker 01

  I think I would. Trying to think of for like a campground, what it would do.

• 38:16Speaker 00

  What does a museum docent do?

• 38:17Speaker 01

  I think they're like, they like oversee everything.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  Oh, so it's like a keeper of the grounds, kind of?

• 38:21Speaker 01

  I would think so. I, I'm not sure, so don't hold me to that.

• 38:24Speaker 00

  Well, that's what we think. But the night didn't end there after I curled up in my car. Some young men pulled up at the campsite diagonal of me.

• 38:31Speaker 01

  I hate that.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, and they left their car lights on as they looked around and set up. I realized I wasn't gonna get any sleep right away. So I grabbed a little bottle of tequila and my green and I sat on the picnic table in the dark, looking up at the stars. It was dark and I was quiet. I looked at the stars and I savored my final night in one of my favorite places.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  I do respect that you're like trying to like not get them to ruin it for you.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, like still having a whimsical moment.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:56Speaker 00

  To yourself, cause you deserve it.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  You do deserve it. And like, you should be able to do that.

• 39:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'd been out there 20 minutes and I noticed something walking about 20 feet from me. I couldn't see well and it took me a moment. But I realized that it couldn't be a deer because of the size and the way it moved. It was a big black bear.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  It was scouting for food left behind by other campers. I sat still so as not to startle it. I saw it recoil for a moment, like it smelled me in my booze. I think it sensed that I wasn't a threat, so it walked past me, not wanting any trouble. As soon as it passed, I climbed, I climbed into my car just in case.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, black bears are like pretty.

• 39:30Speaker 00

  They're chiller, yeah.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  As long as you don't like fuck with them, they won't fuck with you usually.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  I thi- isn't it like they're more scared of you, really?

• 39:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, black bears get like freaked out.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  They're like skittish.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, unless they're protecting their babies. But obviously, you don't want to fuck with a black bear, like.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  No, I mean, don't fuck with a bear.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  We have a ton of those around the house.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. The bear didn't bother me, silently shared space with me. The bear didn't try to manipulate me. The bear wasn't pervy. The bear didn't ask me to take a pic or, uh, the bear didn't ask me to take pics of it naked.

• 39:57Speaker 01

  Which kinda would have been adorable if it did.

• 40:00Speaker 00

  I love this next line. In fact, the bear was naked and it still wasn't creepy about it. The man made me feel uncomfortable and I sense he would have tried to lure me in and escalate. So yeah, team bear, one hundred percent.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah.

• 40:13Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 40:13Speaker 01

  That is honestly.

• 40:15Speaker 00

  The man and the bear at the, in the same night.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, in this, you had an experience with both of them and it was crystal clear.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, who you would pick.

• 40:24Speaker 01

  Like, she didn't even talk about like feeling scared of this bear.

• 40:29Speaker 00

  No.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  She just was like, oh shit, that's a black bear. And she was like, I'm just gonna sit here for a minute and it looked at her, just kinda smelled and was like, alright, I'm gonna walk away now.

• 40:38Speaker 00

  Isn't that just like really sad that a woman will be like, oh wow, a black bear and then, oh fuck, a man.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Like then see, yeah.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  Like, that's real.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  That man walked up to her and asked her to take a naked picture of him to send to his girlfriend in the Philippines.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  Hey, do you mind if I whip my dick out?

• 40:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do. You wouldn't know her, she doesn't go to school here.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  Like, that's, that vibe and this bear just chugged on through.

• 41:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  But yeah, anonymous, that was a good tale.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  I'm sorry you experienced that. Like, I'm still glad that you had a good time, but I hate that they even tainted your trip twice.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  Cause that's gross.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  To a beautiful place.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. Alright, tale number three. I literally got lost in a horror movie-esque forest survivor. Like the TV show style, featuring a rift in the fabric of space-time.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  He said that again, he's not here.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  Are you talking about Mikey?

• 41:29Speaker 01

  He's usually.

• 41:30Speaker 00

  Sometimes he silences you.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  Maybe that's why he's talking so much. He's like, he's not here, so I'm out.

• 41:37Speaker 00

  Also, he said, listen, he said, listen to me.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:41Speaker 00

  You see what you did, Mikey?

• 41:42Speaker 01

  See that, Mikey?

• 41:44Speaker 00

  Like, he's like, god damn it, it was one time.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  God damn it.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  He was like, it was an intense story, okay?

• 41:48Speaker 01

  No, I have to start off with a bit of backstory, so you better understand why I did what I did and how on earth I ended up in this situation. I grew up in a smallish town in Manitoba, Canada. Speaking of Canada.

• 42:00Speaker 00

  That's where Mikey is.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  My parents are ultra hippies, in a sense, and wanted their children to go up near nature. So they bought a house off-grid on the edge of a forest where I was born.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  My parents had me in their early twenties, and after deciding they wanted more children after many years, they had my brothers in quick succession. That means that I technically grew up an only child, because my brothers, twins, were born when I was fourteen and my baby brother when I was sixteen.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  So I had to find ways to entertain myself. You may say that my parents were crunchy. No preservatives, food dyes, having their own chickens and sheep for eggs, wool and meat, walking barefoot and so on.

• 42:41Speaker 00

  I'm obsessed with this.

• 42:42Speaker 01

  They became less and less strict in this regard as I grew older, and especially after they had more children. But it's still in there somewhere, as my brothers are also, quote unquote, forced to play outside. We had a rule when I was a kid, that you had to be outside for at least four hours a day. School and other activities didn't count.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, you got to ground.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  That meant that I played mostly alone in the forest near our home every day until I was about twelve. Since my friends usually had other things to do after school, I suspect their parents didn't enjoy the idea of their children running around in the literal swampy forest until dark. I used to go into the forest around our home and do whatever six-year-old children with sticks and rocks did. From then, school ended until it became dark. I was out playing hide and seek with my imaginary friends, climbing trees and eating dirt. My parents used to call that me gaining an immune system.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  All right.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  I tell you this because I've always felt a very strong connection with nature in the forest. And even now, I live basically in the forest with my girlfriend, like the cottage core gremlins we are.

• 43:45Speaker 00

  That's adorable.

• 43:46Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  I'm obsessed.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  It never felt scary or alien to me, which I believe clouded my judgment and caused me to have a huge case of hubris that put me in a dangerous situation that easily could have been avoided.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  That's a bummer.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  They're like, yeah, it's beautiful, but it also made me do this.

• 44:02Speaker 00

  That's true. I love the word hubris.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  I do, too. Now, my first year at uni, I made some wonderful friends, Ally and Isaac, that love all things outdoor as much as I do. We made it a recurring tradition to every year, go out bare bones camping in the early fall. I call it bare bones camping, since we usually only packed one tent that had been in someone's garage for god knows how long, far too little food, far too much alcohol, and that's about it.

• 44:27Speaker 00

  See, I think that's why people enjoy camping, because I think they bring a lot of alcohol.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 44:32Speaker 00

  So like, you can enjoy anything with a lot of alcohol.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  In a haze of inebriation.

• 44:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:36Speaker 01

  You know? We took a week off and made it a sort of challenge how long we could survive with the things we brought with us, along with whatever we foraged and made. Now, that may be many people's worst nightmare.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  But I enjoyed a lot and consider myself quite apt at surviving in the woods.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  And I respect that.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  If there ever is a zombie virus outbreak, hit me up, and I'm sure we'll survive.

• 44:56Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  It sounds worse. It sounds worse than it was, but now, when we go, we do prepare better. For example, we bring a lot more food and those foldable polar panel, polar.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  We bring foldable polar bears.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Have you heard of them? We bring foldable solar panels that can change your electric, charge your electronics, and two tents, since Ally and Isaac decided to make me the third wheel and get together.

• 45:21Speaker 00

  Oh, my goodness, Ally and Isaac.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Oh, my god, Ally and Isaac.

• 45:24Speaker 00

  Come on, you're fucking in the camping trip.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  I've been somewhat older and a little smarter, because it was honestly a miracle that nothing really bad happened to us the last five years.

• 45:33Speaker 00

  I know.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  So last year, 2022, when it was time to go on our annual Survivor knockoff camp trip, it was our five-year anniversary. So we decided to go. All out and go to a national park a few hours away from where we lived. The park had many campgrounds and different overnight accommodations. But in true us fashion, we didn't want to be around other people. So we decided to hike right into the woods in a random direction and see where we ended up.

• 45:59Speaker 00

  I like that. That's a theme here that everybody's like, I didn't want to be near other people.

• 46:02Speaker 01

  I just, I really hate people, so I decided to be away.

• 46:05Speaker 00

  That's how you know that you're our people.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. Now, before it gets spooky, I have some warnings.

• 46:09Speaker 00

  Hell, yeah.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  One, don't do this. It's super dumb. We're dumb people with no regard for our own health.

• 46:14Speaker 00

  All right.

• 46:15Speaker 01

  Two, never go hiking right into an enormous forest if you aren't on a hiking trail and aren't familiar with the location.

• 46:22Speaker 00

  Don't gotta tell me twice.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Three, if you do, bring water and food and a compass or a map. Don't be dumb like us and never go alone. Four, first aid kit. You know it, you love it, bring it with you. I appreciate those warnings.

• 46:35Speaker 00

  Those are really good.

• 46:36Speaker 01

  Now that I've provided the masses with an adequate warning, let's get into the meat of the story. We went into the forest on a Thursday and in high spirits and with lots of spirits in my backpack. In the afternoon, we found a little clearing and set up camp there. This forest wasn't really the dense, that denser dark, but it was very symmetrical, if that's the right word for it. Every square meter looked the same. So when you didn't see any landmarks, you could walk a hundred meters and it didn't look like you had moved.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  Oh, that's not good.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  The first night was totally normal. We ate freeze dried spaghetti and got a bit tipsy catching up and having a great time.

• 47:10Speaker 00

  You can't breeze past that. You can't breeze past freeze dried spaghetti?

• 47:16Speaker 01

  I'm intrigued.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  What the fuck?

• 47:20Speaker 01

  I'm intrigued. I said, I'm not like excited.

• 47:23Speaker 00

  Not, I'm not excited.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  I want to see it.

• 47:25Speaker 00

  I don't even know.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  Like, show me what's freeze dried spaghetti looks like.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  No.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  I want to see it.

• 47:30Speaker 00

  Can't you just bring a thermos with real spaghetti?

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  Freeze dried spaghetti?

• 47:34Speaker 01

  It's like astronaut food.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  I know. We had to try that when we went to, um, an astronaut museum at school.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  You know, you know, the one.

• 47:42Speaker 00

  Astronaut museum that we have around here.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  I think there is one. I don't even, I don't know. We went there.

• 47:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  We tried freeze dried food and it was gross, but they didn't have spaghetti. I, I remember trying freeze dried like ice cream and stuff.

• 47:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, the ice cream was good, but we tried other stuff and it wasn't good.

• 47:56Speaker 01

  No?

• 47:57Speaker 00

  No.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  I don't remember it.

• 47:58Speaker 00

  But that's, spaghetti shouldn't be freeze dried. We shouldn't do that. And that's where we stand.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  That's where we stand on that issue. So on Friday, we went deeper into the forest. I wouldn't do that. That's where I stand on that issue.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  After a while, we found a spring and decided to sit there for a bit. It was literally the most boring, normal camping trip ever.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  Until it wasn't.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  That was until our phones died.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  Say, I told you.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  So for context, we didn't bring any charging equipment with us, but we also didn't use our phones for anything, as that was part of our challenge.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  What?

• 48:30Speaker 01

  We had them turned off somewhere in our bags. And when Ally went to take a picture of the spring, her phone wasn't turning on. So naturally, Isaac and I also tried to turn on our phones, but none of them would turn on.

• 48:40Speaker 00

  I hate that.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  A little bit creepy, but maybe we could have, the cold drained the battery or something.

• 48:45Speaker 00

  I don't think that happens.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  That evening, we tried to find a place to set up a tent, but the trees grew so close to each other that it was impossible to find a large enough area to pitch a tent. We hadn't walked that far from the spring, so we figured turning 180 degrees and walking back would be easy. After two hours, when we still hadn't found our way back, I started to get freaked out. Isaac and Ally started building a semi-functional shelter from the wind, and I went to try to figure out which way was the way back to the parking lot. I had to figure out which way was east.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck that.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  How I would do that, I had no idea, since the sun had just set and you couldn't really see any stars or anything, because the trees were in the way. That's when I heard something that sounded like a grown ass man screaming.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  The way that you just dropped that, he was like, yeah, it was so weird. It was crazy. It was starting to get a little, and that's when I heard the man screaming.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  That's how I know you're a man, because if I heard that, I'd just sink into the earth. I'd sink into the earth.

• 49:45Speaker 01

  Like, top of his lungs, falling off a cliff without any safety equipment, screaming.

• 49:51Speaker 00

  You know what happened? He found your freeze dried spaghetti.

• 49:57Speaker 00

  It's inhumane.

• 50:01Speaker 00

  I'm telling you.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  It did sound far off, but it still gave me goosebumps. I could still see Isaac and Ally, so I shouted to ask them if they had heard anything and they hadn't, which was super weird.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  What the fuck?

• 50:14Speaker 01

  Because I only stood like 50 meters, like 160 feet from them and it was really loud.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  This is giving Blair Witch.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Later, that's all I keep thinking of.

• 50:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're gonna find your.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  Which one of you is gonna throw the fucking map in the stream?

• 50:26Speaker 00

  Which one of you? They don't have a map. Who is it? They already did that.

• 50:30Speaker 01

  God damn. Oh, later on, we laid down to try to sleep. Isaac said he heard something walking in the forest, like twigs snapping and footsteps.

• 50:38Speaker 00

  Pretty soon you're gonna have little handprints on your tent.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  That part fucks me up.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  That part, even just thinking about that, I was like, ah.

• 50:45Speaker 01

  Because the kids make some noise, like they're lifting something at some point.

• 50:48Speaker 00

  No, no, no, I don't like to talk about it.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  That noise sends me.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  That movie is a masterpiece and they're not gonna do a good job remaking it.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  You can't remake it because you can't remake that marketing.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  Also, the amount of people.

• 50:59Speaker 01

  You can't do it.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  I wasn't even there and I know you can't. And the amount of people being like, do we get to see the witch this time?

• 51:05Speaker 01

  No, that was the scary part.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  No, you don't.

• 51:07Speaker 01

  It's like why The Strangers doesn't work in sequel form because you showed me The Strangers.

• 51:13Speaker 00

  I hate it.

• 51:13Speaker 01

  The Strangers.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  No, your brain is scarier when it conjures up.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  And that's how we feel about that.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 51:23Speaker 01

  Thank you for coming.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  Weirdly, Ally and I didn't hear those footsteps.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  The forest. Wait, I don't like that. It's like traveling through the group, like one person hears something, the other two don't. I don't like that. The next person hears something different, these two don't.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Because it's isolating everybody in that moment of fear and I don't like that.

• 51:41Speaker 00

  That's weird.

• 51:42Speaker 01

  I don't like that. Um, I do love that for like a story, though.

• 51:46Speaker 00

  Great story.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Um, so the forest was dead quiet, like unnaturally so. We couldn't even hear the wind or any animal noises, but Isaac insisted that he had heard something. The next morning, after miserably failing to sleep, we again tried to make our way back from where we came. We still had some food left and water purifiers in case of emergency. So we weren't going to starve. And with the daylight, I was a little less scared.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  But the night's always coming.

• 52:10Speaker 01

  We spent the day just fooling around and still trying to walk back, which was a bit easier since the sun had come up and we could figure out which way was east. Around midday, we could hear running water. And finally, we had made it back to the spring. Or so we had thought. Ally went and picked some berries so we could snack on them while Isaac and I sat around and tried to make a game plan of sorts.

• 52:30Speaker 00

  Are you guys going to start tripping now?

• 52:32Speaker 01

  Probably. A little while later, I could see Ally running towards us, zigzagging through the trees, yelling something. When she stopped, I could hear her say she saw the parking lot from where we came from. But that was impossible if this was the same spring clearing area. She swore up and down that she'd seen headlights in the distance and heard a car engine stop. So we packed up our stuff and followed her. There was nothing there.

• 52:57Speaker 00

  This is the Blair Witch.

• 52:59Speaker 01

  No roads that a car or a four wheeler could have driven down. Nothing. At this point, I still wasn't as freaked out as I probably should have been. But we continued walking in a straight line to the best of our abilities, thinking we would hit the edge of the forest somewhere. We set up camp for the third time. And almost as soon as the sun went down, shit got wild.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  I told you it would.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  As I said earlier, in this forest, every tree looked the same. There was almost no natural landmarks and you easily got turned around. So when I went to pee a little bit away from my friends, we're close, but not that close, sorry.

• 53:31Speaker 00

  That's respectable.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  And I saw an oak tree. I was thoroughly flabbergasted. This whole forest was like pine trees and other tall, skinny trees. So why the fuck was there a large, probably at least 70 year old oak tree in the middle of the forest? Then I started hearing things like small animals running up and down the tree trunks and skittering all over the place, almost like they were running from something.

• 53:53Speaker 00

  The Blair Witch.

• 53:53Speaker 01

  I shone my flashlight in the direction of the sound. And what do I see? Two reflective, big eyes staring at me.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  Now I'm tall, one hundred and eighty-three centimeters or six feet. When you look at something far away, it looks smaller, right? So tell me why this thing was maybe seventy meters away from me.

• 54:14Speaker 00

  I don't know how far that is.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  But the eyes were at eye level with me, meaning it was big, big.

• 54:21Speaker 00

  Was it a bia?

• 54:22Speaker 01

  It moved towards me, and this was not an animal I knew about. At first, I thought it was a moose because I saw something that looked like antlers, but they were super skinny and the sound it made did not sound like a moose. It was very high pitched, like a fork scraping on a plate, but coming from a throat of someone with tuberculosis who smokes three packs a day.

• 54:45Speaker 00

  Descriptive. It's like, um, where's that monster? Where's the monster?

• 54:53Speaker 01

  Oh, he's over there now.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like, oh, what from the ritual.

• 54:56Speaker 01

  The from the ritual.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  That's what I thought too.

• 54:58Speaker 01

  Right?

• 54:58Speaker 00

  Immediately. I thought about that, that is it a windigo?

• 55:02Speaker 01

  It probably is.

• 55:03Speaker 00

  Props.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  That it does, it makes me think of a windigo. That's not good.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Uh-uh, that's really bad in fact.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  I did what any sane person would do, pulled up my pants and ran screaming in the other direction.

• 55:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 55:15Speaker 01

  Smart. I yelled at the top of my lungs in hopes Ally and Isaac would understand that they also had to run at this point because it was every man for themselves. Only like a minute later, I stopped to look back and saw nothing. The adrenaline in me at the time was through the roof. I could literally hear my blood traveling through my body and it felt like an out of body experience in a really uncomfortable way.

• 55:37Speaker 00

  Ew.

• 55:37Speaker 01

  I waited a bit and when I was sure nothing moved or made a sound, I quickly tried to sneak back to where we had camped. I could still see the light from where we had put up the tent, so I slowly walked towards it. There, eating berries and other plants we had forged, sat Isaac and Ally, totally chill, but a bit puzzled why I'd been gone so long. I was still worked up that I was, in a totally not chill way, shouted at them because they hadn't run when I told them to. We didn't hear anything, was the answer to that. What do you mean you didn't hear me screaming at the top of my lungs? Apparently, the only thing they noticed was me going to relieve myself out of eyesight and after fifteen minutes, me coming back from them a total, from a totally different direction.

• 56:20Speaker 00

  What?

• 56:21Speaker 01

  I still don't understand how the fuck this was possible. Safe to say, I did not sleep well that night. We were a bit worried the batteries in our flashlight would run out since we hadn't charged them before this. So we had to lay there in the pitch black forest, just staring up at the orange roof of that tent.

• 56:39Speaker 00

  No.

• 56:39Speaker 01

  Somehow I managed to fall asleep and to get a solid four hours of sleep before Ellie woke me to tell me that Isaac had for real this time, found a road. We got going in the direction Isaac pointed us to, and there was a well-traveled trail. I was elated. Normally, we camp for about five days, but we decided to cut this trip short because the vibes weren't there.

• 57:00Speaker 00

  They were not immaculate.

• 57:01Speaker 01

  Also because I was scared shitless. We followed the trail for only about forty minutes until we got to a parking lot. Now, here's something super weird. We went into the forest on a Thursday and we came out on a Saturday, but we had spent three nights in there. So it should have been Sunday. How did we experience three nights, but it had only been two days?

• 57:24Speaker 01

  The sun came up and down three times in the span of two days.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  But it didn't.

• 57:29Speaker 01

  Two days. Super weirded out, we called an Uber to get us out of there, ate some Wendy's for dinner.

• 57:36Speaker 00

  The appropriate decision.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  We tried to come up with a normal explanation for all the things we heard, saw, and experienced, but ultimately, we decided it was better if we didn't know.

• 57:44Speaker 00

  Life is fucking weird, man.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  Side note, I tried turning on my phone back home and it turned on with sixty percent battery left. So I don't know what the fuck that was about either.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  We're not meant to go into the woods.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  No, for extended periods of time.

• 57:59Speaker 00

  To go into the ocean.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  No. We did go camping the next year again.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  You guys are absolutely fucked. You're fucked in the head for that.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  That's fucked up. That's wrong.

• 58:08Speaker 00

  How dare you?

• 58:09Speaker 01

  You're wrong for that.

• 58:10Speaker 00

  Did you bring freeze dried spaghetti again?

• 58:12Speaker 01

  But this time, we were better prepared and camped in my part of the woods, near my childhood home, in order to avoid any horned monsters lurking about.

• 58:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, but what if they know you now? What if they like marked you?

• 58:23Speaker 01

  Truly. What if they have your scent?

• 58:25Speaker 00

  They do.

• 58:26Speaker 01

  What if, what if?

• 58:27Speaker 00

  They do.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, they do have your scent, just so you know.

• 58:32Speaker 01

  That was that. I have some true crime stories I might send in when I get to writing them.

• 58:36Speaker 00

  Please do.

• 58:36Speaker 01

  As I said, I don't particularly enjoy writing, so I might take a while.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  You did a great job.

• 58:41Speaker 01

  You're great at it. Once again, thank you for existing and reading my, this story.

• 58:44Speaker 00

  You're welcome.

• 58:45Speaker 01

  I love you so much.

• 58:45Speaker 00

  We love you.

• 58:46Speaker 01

  Keep it weird, but not so weird that you go camping survival mode and start hearing things and get caught mid piss by a demon. So scary. It makes you experience an extra day. Don't do that. Like actually don't.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna.

• 58:57Speaker 01

  I won't either.

• 58:58Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna.

• 58:59Speaker 01

  That is a horrifying story.

• 59:02Speaker 00

  Oh my gosh.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  The way that you experienced an extra day.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  Wowza.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  That stressed me out.

• 59:08Speaker 00

  Wowza.

• 59:09Speaker 01

  You saw, you saw the monster from the ritual.

• 59:11Speaker 00

  I gotta tell you, I think that's one of the best listener tales we've ever gotten.

• 59:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was crazy.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  I was like really freaked out by that.

• 59:16Speaker 01

  I would love to hear Isaac and Ally, who I love that they're in love now.

• 59:21Speaker 00

  I mean, they bonded.

• 59:22Speaker 01

  They did, because a lot of times they were just left alone while you were screaming and pissing.

• 59:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm honestly surprised you guys aren't in a throuple after that. That's crazy. It's crazy.

• 59:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:31Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 59:32Speaker 00

  Fuck. All right. Tell number four, the tale of the camping murders. Yes, murders.

• 59:38Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 59:38Speaker 00

  As in more than one from multiple camping trips.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  Oh, and you kept camping?

• 59:43Speaker 00

  And this listener tale has a prologue.

• 59:46Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 59:46Speaker 00

  It says prologue.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  Settle in for this one. This is gonna be the, the culmination.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  All right. My husband Josh is a few.

• 59:53Speaker 01

  Josh.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  I don't know why. I just like to say Josh.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Josh.

• 59:55Speaker 00

  Is a few years older than me, eight years to be exact. Get it, boy? And just, but you said that, not me.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  I love that, but, but honestly.

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  Get it, boy. Despite our age difference, our fun levels have always been on the same page and he's always been great with getting along with my friends. Part of the reason why I love him so much.

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:00:11Speaker 00

  So one summer I told him my BFF since middle school, 25 years of friendship and still going strong.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Hell yeah.

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  We're going camping for a weekend and I wanted us to go too. Now, I had never really been camping. I'm what you would consider an indoor cat. Me too.

• 1:00:24Speaker 01

  Same.

• 1:00:25Speaker 00

  I do enjoy going out. I play sports. I would go ghost hunting with these BFFs back in the day. But when it comes to going away for a long weekend, I do enjoy the finer things and like to stay at hotels or nice Airbnb, Airbnb's and go to nice restaurants and feel fancy.

• 1:00:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

  Feel like I'm like talking to myself right now.

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  YOLO, am I right?

• 1:00:43Speaker 01

  You are right.

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  Remember when Janelle Evans got that tattooed on her? Body. I'm I'm just thinking about that.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, I forgot that.

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  Well.

• 1:00:50Speaker 00

  I'm rewatching Teen Mom two. Uh, I did go camping once in high school after senior ball, but I got very high. A cicada flew up my shorts and I freaked out and then I passed out in a tent, only to awake the next day as if the night was a blip on my radar.

• 1:01:03Speaker 01

  Honestly, a cicada flying up your shorts is a fucking nightmare.

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  Honestly, a cicada existing within a ten foot radius of you is fucked.

• 1:01:14Speaker 00

  Anyway, I was excited to go spend a weekend in the wilderness for real with my friends and my husband. But when I told him about the plans, he paused, looked away briefly, then back at me with a bit of fear in his eyes.

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  Oh, wait, hold on. Can I can I show you that? So he paused.

• 1:01:28Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:01:29Speaker 01

  He looked away.

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  Wow, that was what happened.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  Academy Award winner, Elena Erkhardt White.

• 1:01:35Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:01:35Speaker 00

  Crazy. I like that you said, wait.

• 1:01:39Speaker 01

  That was just so.

• 1:01:40Speaker 00

  You said.

• 1:01:42Speaker 00

  You asked permission. You said, can I show you that?

• 1:01:44Speaker 01

  Can I?

• 1:01:44Speaker 00

  I said, yes, of course.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Can I wow you with my with my acting abilities?

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  And you did.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:01:49Speaker 00

  And you did.

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  It was cinematic. I feel like it had to happen.

• 1:01:52Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah, he told me he didn't know if it was a good idea for him to go camping because the last times he, two times he had done so. There was a murder.

• 1:02:00Speaker 01

  A murder.

• 1:02:01Speaker 00

  Two. Let me just quickly go on a tangent because I feel like right now I should say submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society. I call this story.

• 1:02:11Speaker 00

  We were we were in sync there. The tale of the camping murders.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Oh, hell, yeah, you've just set the vibe and I like it.

• 1:02:18Speaker 00

  And then said pours midnight dust on the fire.

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:02:22Speaker 00

  Love it. Alright, so chapter one. Oh, I love it.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  You're killing it.

• 1:02:26Speaker 00

  Josh grew up camping a lot. He used to go all the time with his dad and it was a really fun thing he used to do. When he got a little bit older, he wanted to relive some of those childhood memories and experiences. But, you know, he was a college kid with no money and he didn't have any of his own camping equipment.

• 1:02:40Speaker 01

  It happens.

• 1:02:40Speaker 00

  So the first time he went camping, when murder number one happened. He needed to borrow his dad's tent. I'm sorry, is he going camping alone? I just want to know.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Probably.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  His dad is a good dude, but very particular about people borrowing his stuff, especially his camping equipment. So it was important not to lose the tent.

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  I mean, that's important on any camping trip, I feel.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  I feel like also it's like the most vital thing when camping. So like you're not bound to lose it. But I've, I've never camped.

• 1:03:08Speaker 01

  People lose tents when they camp?

• 1:03:10Speaker 00

  Maybe if they like blow away, I guess.

• 1:03:12Speaker 01

  That's your shelter.

• 1:03:13Speaker 00

  Don't lose it.

• 1:03:15Speaker 01

  That's terrifying. See, I shouldn't camp.

• 1:03:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:19Speaker 00

  Um, so long story short, he lost the tent.

• 1:03:22Speaker 01

  I guess it happens.

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  He lost the tent.

• 1:03:23Speaker 01

  I suppose that happened.

• 1:03:24Speaker 00

  Because it was state's evidence in a murder.

• 1:03:27Speaker 01

  So it doesn't usually.

• 1:03:28Speaker 00

  So he didn't lose it.

• 1:03:29Speaker 01

  So it does not usually happen. What the fuck is happening right now?

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  This episode is sponsored by Stella Rosa. Weirdos, Mikey here. After all the murder, mayhem, and deeply unsettling stories, sometimes a palate cleanser is exactly what you need. Stella Rosa Black is a semi-sweet, semi-sparkling red wine with ripe blackberry, blueberry, and raspberry flavors. It's dark, fruity, and honestly feels extremely appropriate for weirdos like you and me. Like, if a wine was going to join you for a creepy story at night, obviously it would be this one. Then there's Stella Rosa Moscato di Asti, a semi-sweet, semi-sparkling wine with ripe pear and apple flavors. It's lighter, bright, and basically the perfect palate cleanser to have after spending an hour discussing something deeply disturbing.

• 1:04:29Speaker 03

  I am not a huge fan of dry wine. I can't have things that taste like the barrel that they were stored in. I just like something sweet. I love the sweet things in life. And the best part about Stella Rosa is that it also is sparkling. I love me some sparkling water and I love sparkling wine. It's so refreshing and bright and it's so delicious. It's the perfect way to end a meal. I absolutely love it. Find Stella Rosa at stellarosa.com or at your local retailer. You must be 21 plus to drink responsibly.

• 1:05:08Speaker 00

  You know those pieces in your closet that you always find yourself reaching for over and over again? For me, a lot of times, it's like a plain black t-shirt, a plain white t-shirt, a simple, you know, silk skirt that I can kind of dress up or dress down if I want to. Or now that it's fall, it's my sweaters. I'm reaching for a sweater every day. It's 80 degrees today and I'm real ticked off about it. But anyway, those staple pieces, going back to that, those are the pieces that are in a permanent place in your wardrobe. And that is exactly what Quince does so well. They are literally, I feel like they're built for staple pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials and design that are not only timeless, but they're thoughtfully crafted and made to be worn again

• 1:05:49Speaker 00

  and again. And as the weather gets colder and we all clap together and rejoice over that, Quince has everything that you need to round out your wardrobe, from warm, responsibly sourced down jackets and cozy cashmere scarves. I am literally obsessed with Quince. I think I have at least five of their Mongolian cashmere sweaters. And what I do is, they have a short sleeve option and they have a long sleeve option. So on a day like today, well, it's a little hot today, but on a day that's like a little bit warmer in the fall, I can still get that sweater vibe, that like cozy feeling with a little short sleeve. And then once we get a little, little colder, I dip to my long sleeves and then I pair those with my gorgeous silk skirts. Find the fall pieces you'll reach for the most at Quince. Download the

• 1:06:32Speaker 00

  Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Morbid. It's the best way to support the show. Ready to upgrade your PC? Shop now during the Dell Top Tech Event and find the award-winning tech the experts trust the most. Like the Dell XPS 13 laptop. Study, work, and do more with a thin and light design. We love to see it. A vivid touchscreen, long-lasting battery life, my favorite, and impressive performance powered by Intel Core processors. While shopping, you'll also find great prices on monitors and accessories and even perks like Dell Rewards,

• 1:07:16Speaker 00

  fast free shipping, and financing with flexible payment options. Visit dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 1:07:32Speaker 00

  Okay, so this story takes place in 1998. I was two.

• 1:07:36Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  You were?

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  Twelve.

• 1:07:38Speaker 00

  Twelve. Math. It was spring break of Josh's junior year of college. A couple of his college buddies and him went camping down near Maryland somewhere. Where? Not sure, but it was cold. It was April and it was north enough that it was cold out, but not like upstate New York in April cold. Anywhere. Anyway.

• 1:07:55Speaker 01

  Anywhere too.

• 1:07:56Speaker 00

  Anywhere. Anywhere, anyway. There were four of them and they were, well, idiots. They brought nothing but beer, weed and snacks. That's a theme.

• 1:08:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, survival camping apparently.

• 1:08:06Speaker 00

  And they were the only ones in this campground because it was so early in the season. Remember, early April, kind of northeast, probably about forty degrees.

• 1:08:14Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:08:15Speaker 00

  So the first day they set up their campsite, they were like, this is way too cold. Fortunately, there was a log cabin nearby that they could rent. So they moved all their shit to the log cabin and proceeded to basically get fucked up for three days.

• 1:08:26Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:08:26Speaker 00

  They're in college. On the third night, the guys decided to build this super big campfire outside. Side note, don't do that when you're like super duper fucked up.

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:34Speaker 00

  Okay, back to the story. They got logs from the trees and they built this stupidly massive raging campfire and were being stupid college age boys yelling things like, "We are the kings of the forest. We are alone here."

• 1:08:47Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:08:48Speaker 00

  Men. Went off in the distance, they see this other normal sized campfire. Now, when I say distance, I don't mean like forty yards. I have no capacity of what that is. I mean, like out in the distance, a pretty decent way. Okay. Maybe a quarter a mile or so.

• 1:09:04Speaker 01

  It's like almost half a football field?

• 1:09:07Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 1:09:07Speaker 01

  Right? Cause like fifty yards is, I think a football field is a hundred yards.

• 1:09:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think you're right.

• 1:09:12Speaker 01

  So it's like almost half a football field.

• 1:09:13Speaker 00

  All I remember from cheerleading is first and ten, do it again. Come on, defense work.

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  Work.

• 1:09:20Speaker 00

  So I know the ten. Wow, you're that's you're really rude for that. I just put myself out there. I just put myself out there and you were a mean theater kid. And that's why. And that's why.

• 1:09:32Speaker 01

  That's exactly.

• 1:09:32Speaker 00

  That's why we're different.

• 1:09:33Speaker 01

  That's exactly what happened.

• 1:09:34Speaker 00

  You were a mean, I was just spreading cheer and you were a mean theater kid. Judging me.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  You're right.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:09:42Speaker 01

  You're right.

• 1:09:43Speaker 00

  And that was my high school experience. I'm just kidding. That's actually why I quit cheer because people were not nice to us. It was like the complete opposite of every.

• 1:09:51Speaker 01

  It's like high school movie.

• 1:09:52Speaker 00

  I was like, oh my God, I'll do cheer and I'll get really popular. Yay. And everyone was like loser. And I was like, okay, I quit. I'll do softball. And then they were like lesbian. And I was like, you're not wrong.

• 1:10:05Speaker 00

  You're halfway there. I'm bi.

• 1:10:12Speaker 00

  And that's a little about me.

• 1:10:17Speaker 00

  All right. So how did we get here again? From buffoon to high school to sexuality.

• 1:10:22Speaker 01

  This is a real unhinged one.

• 1:10:23Speaker 00

  Back to camping.

• 1:10:27Speaker 00

  The fire was noticeable, but it was a little far away. But it was the only other person in the general vicinity of where they were. So these guys, the drunk, high, fucked up idiots that they were, started screaming and chanting at the dude. Our fire is bigger. You can't beat us. Fuck you, dumb other person. This is our forest.

• 1:10:47Speaker 00

  It sounded just like that. Fuck you, dumb other person. This is our forest.

• 1:10:55Speaker 00

  That's like the voice that I do for Drew when he says something I think is dumb. And he's like, I don't sound like that.

• 1:11:01Speaker 01

  Does the girls do it too?

• 1:11:03Speaker 00

  So like in that, it was like, ugh. That's just, that's woman fun.

• 1:11:08Speaker 01

  And he's like, I've never started a sentence with ugh.

• 1:11:12Speaker 00

  Like, but in my head you have.

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  When you say a dumb thing, it always starts with.

• 1:11:19Speaker 00

  Uh, you know, things that stupid dumb fucked up college kids would say. And that was it. The fire went out, they cleaned up and they went home. Except because they switched to the log cabin, Josh forgot all about the other campground that they had set up, which included. Yeah, his dad's fucking tent.

• 1:11:35Speaker 01

  That was dumb.

• 1:11:36Speaker 00

  So he left his dad's tent in the state park. He remembers the sinking pit in his stomach when he got home and thought, oh my god, the only thing I couldn't do was lose this fucking tent.

• 1:11:45Speaker 01

  Which seems like it would be hard to do.

• 1:11:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, but apparently not. But of course, he lost it. So he called up his roommate, who was one of the four idiots on the trip. It was still spring break and his buddy lived closer to where they went camping. So he asked, hey, man, can you swing back over there and pick up my tent? He was about an hour away from it. The friend said, sure, no problem.

• 1:12:02Speaker 01

  That's a good friend.

• 1:12:03Speaker 00

  That is a good friend. So a day goes by, this was pretexting, hello nineteen ninety-eight. And his buddy calls Josh and the convo went like this, friend. Hey, so I went to the campground and there's a problem. Josh, what? Friend, well, you did leave your tent there and they did find it, but they don't have it anymore. Josh, what do you mean? Friend, it's a state's evidence now? Josh, what are you talking about? State's evidence? Friend, well, remember the person we were screaming at and taunting? The only other person out there. There was a reason why he was in his private secluded area in the woods. He was on the run from the fucking police because he just chopped some people up with an axe.

• 1:12:44Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  The guy that they were taunting in the woods was a literal axe murderer.

• 1:12:52Speaker 01

  Like a literal axe murderer.

• 1:12:55Speaker 00

  Fucking A. This is what you do when you're drunk, high and stupid. It's the plot of every awful nineties horror movie. But after they left, the axe murderer apparently came to their cabin and looked around. Touching Josh's dad's tent, which then became evidence. They got lucky that he didn't come while they were still there, but that was camping murder story number one.

• 1:13:16Speaker 01

  Holy shit, they almost became murdered.

• 1:13:19Speaker 00

  Axe murdered.

• 1:13:20Speaker 01

  They almost became murdered.

• 1:13:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. All right, chapter two, camping murders.

• 1:13:25Speaker 01

  I thought you said chopped or two.

• 1:13:26Speaker 00

  I might have.

• 1:13:27Speaker 01

  Like chop.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  Chop. Yeah. I didn't mean to.

• 1:13:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:30Speaker 00

  Chapter two, camping murder story number two was like two years later. Josh had purchased his own tent at that point because his dad was so pissed at him for having his first tent become state's evidence.

• 1:13:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:41Speaker 00

  Now Josh was like, okay, great. I have my own tent now. I have my own equipment. It's two thousand now. Josh had just graduated college.

• 1:13:47Speaker 01

  That's the millennium.

• 1:13:48Speaker 00

  Oh, look at that. Oh, my God. It's the millennium. Totally Rufus, dude. So Josh had just graduated college and he remembers exactly what night this murder took place. Because it was the night of this big Red Sox Yankees game where Pedro Martinez pitched against Roger Clemens.

• 1:14:05Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck Roger Clemens.

• 1:14:07Speaker 00

  You know who you're talking to, baby.

• 1:14:08Speaker 01

  Fuck that guy.

• 1:14:09Speaker 00

  It was a classic pitcher's duel. Now, this trip was with a different group of friends, his high school friends, but similarly to his college friends, they were drunk idiots.

• 1:14:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:19Speaker 00

  So they go to this campground in upstate New York somewhere and this campground is packed. The exact, exact opposite of his first murder camping trip. This campground was not remote at all. In fact, it had its own main community building, which is where Josh remembers watching the Red Sox Yankees game.

• 1:14:34Speaker 01

  That makes sense.

• 1:14:34Speaker 00

  Anyway, at this time, Josh and his buddies were twenty one.

• 1:14:37Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 1:14:38Speaker 00

  I was right. So what do you do when you're twenty one years old and camping? Same thing you do when you're nineteen and camping. You drink.

• 1:14:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:43Speaker 00

  A lot. Now, at this campground, Josh remembers the people there were kind of weird because they were almost like a set of cliques. Their group had about thirty people and they took up a bunch of campsites. But the group next to them, he thinks, were Eastern European. He doesn't remember exactly where they were fro- where they were from, but they clearly were speaking another language like Polish. Hey, my honey's Polish.

• 1:15:04Speaker 01

  Hey.

• 1:15:04Speaker 00

  And then on the other side of them was this giant massive group of bikers. That would make me feel so safe.

• 1:15:09Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 1:15:10Speaker 00

  I like bikers.

• 1:15:11Speaker 01

  I do too.

• 1:15:12Speaker 00

  Much like we like truckers.

• 1:15:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:14Speaker 00

  He said they stood out because, hopefully I don't regret saying that. I hope they're not the murderers here. Who knows?

• 1:15:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:19Speaker 00

  All right. Well, he said they stood out because there were so many motorcycles everywhere, but the drunk twenty one year olds, Eastern Europeans and bikers were the three main groups in their portion of the campground.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  What a grouping.

• 1:15:29Speaker 00

  Truly. It was like earlier with the hippies.

• 1:15:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:32Speaker 00

  The hipsters and.

• 1:15:34Speaker 01

  The good old boys.

• 1:15:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, the good old boys. Yeah, this is a bit of a better trio. So the first two nights were fine. On the third night, it's always the third night.

• 1:15:42Speaker 01

  It always is.

• 1:15:43Speaker 00

  Josh remembers getting really drunk. Again, college kid idiot, but uh, nothing really eventful happened. So he went to bed and passed out like one of those drunk two AM pass outs when you're like, oh, I don't want to see the world for a while. Then he felt like he was suddenly woke up, woken up. And when he was able to gain some someone's of consciousness from his still drunk slash early hangover state, he just heard screaming, terror and screaming and someone yelling, oh shit, I think Josh is in there. Which is like the last thing in the world you want to hear when you're in that state.

• 1:16:15Speaker 01

  Or in any state.

• 1:16:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, when you're conscious. He fully woke up, opened his eyes and the entire world was on fire. Everything was burning, including his tent.

• 1:16:25Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:16:26Speaker 00

  So he opens up his tent and remember when he went to bed, it was a lovely summer night. He was drunk with his friends, a true all American experience. He opens up his tent to fucking hell on earth, just a complete hellscape in front of him. So what apparently happened was the Eastern European group and the biker group at some point, like three AM.

• 1:16:46Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 1:16:47Speaker 00

  Always three AM, got into a fucking epic brawl.

• 1:16:50Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 1:16:51Speaker 00

  Just a crazy brawl that spilled over into his friend's campsites. And one of the big moments of the fight involves somebody getting pushed and knocking over a grill that had a bunch of hot coals in it.

• 1:17:02Speaker 01

  Oh no, probably hot dogs too.

• 1:17:05Speaker 00

  Oh, not the fucking hot dogs. How dare you waste a dog.

• 1:17:09Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:17:09Speaker 00

  But those hot coals landed on Josh's tent and caught it on fire.

• 1:17:13Speaker 01

  Holy shit.

• 1:17:14Speaker 00

  Brand new tent too.

• 1:17:15Speaker 01

  Oh, he just bought that.

• 1:17:16Speaker 00

  He was really proud of it. So now his tent is on fire. There are bodies from this giant massive brawl all over, including one, and he doesn't know if this person actually died or not. But in his drunk state, this dude was murdered because he had one of those cooking forks that you use to flip a steak stuck in his head.

• 1:17:33Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:17:34Speaker 00

  Like embedded in his head. And he was bleeding from his head with his eyes closed. Did the guy survive? Josh doesn't know, but he thinks he did.

• 1:17:44Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 1:17:45Speaker 00

  And while Josh is still drunk or hungover, his tent is burning and he's like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

• 1:17:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, you do.

• 1:17:51Speaker 00

  Then they, uh, they then just left and went home and it wasn't until a little bit later with some retrospect that he was like, I'm not sure I can ever go camping again. My last two camping trips involved taunting an ax murderer and having my tent taken to state's evidence. Then I got a new tent and that caught fire because two random groups got into a fight that left my tent burning and someone getting stabbed in the head with a pitchfork.

• 1:18:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, that should tell you that you're not supposed to camp anymore.

• 1:18:18Speaker 00

  Well, then I asked him to go camping. Chapter three. So he tells me these stories and I'm like, holy shit, are you a liability?

• 1:18:25Speaker 01

  He is.

• 1:18:27Speaker 00

  But they say third time's a charm and I really wanted to go spend a long weekend with my friends, experiencing the world like an outdoor cat.

• 1:18:34Speaker 01

  I love, and holy shit, are you a liability? You're the problem?

• 1:18:38Speaker 00

  Fuck, am I just learning that you're a liability?

• 1:18:40Speaker 01

  Is it me?

• 1:18:41Speaker 00

  Is it you? So we bought a new tent.

• 1:18:45Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:18:46Speaker 00

  And all new equipment because we had none. The trip was four days, three nights at some state park in Pennsylvania. Everything was great. I had so much fun hiking.

• 1:18:55Speaker 01

  Get me to that third night.

• 1:18:57Speaker 00

  I know. Finding random lakes and streams to swim in, learning to play Koob, which is Viking chess. If you haven't played, it's awesome. And I would be happy to teach you.

• 1:19:06Speaker 01

  Oh, teach me.

• 1:19:06Speaker 00

  Thank you. And being with my friends and their partners, I was loving it.

• 1:19:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:11Speaker 00

  Until the third.

• 1:19:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, here we are. We're at the third night.

• 1:19:13Speaker 00

  Fucking third night.

• 1:19:14Speaker 01

  It's coming.

• 1:19:15Speaker 00

  Similar to Josh and his friends, we, uh, enjoyed imbibing the alcoholic beverage every now and again. However, we weren't idiots like his friends. We were very mindful of everything because we were at a very family friendly campground.

• 1:19:27Speaker 01

  Oh, that was nice of you.

• 1:19:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. And technically you're not supposed to drink in state parks in Pennsylvania. So we would hide the empties either in coolers or in an opaque garbage bag. We also didn't, you know, taunt any potential ax murderers or get in any epic brawl. Good for you. So the last night we're there, we still had a lot. Of booze. We decided to get after it a bit.

• 1:19:45Speaker 01

  Let's get after it.

• 1:19:47Speaker 00

  I don't smoke anymore, but some of my friends do, so they enjoyed some of that. And then, oh, we had the Vampire Weekend Pandora channel playing quietly in the background. You just took me back.

• 1:19:58Speaker 01

  That is delicious.

• 1:20:00Speaker 00

  Remember Pandora?

• 1:20:01Speaker 01

  Remember Pandora channel? I used to love the shins.

• 1:20:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:20:07Speaker 01

  Uh, that, that Pandora channel is, is really A plus.

• 1:20:11Speaker 00

  Do you know that Papa got me ad free Pandora?

• 1:20:14Speaker 01

  Wow, that he's a G.

• 1:20:15Speaker 00

  He really was.

• 1:20:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:17Speaker 00

  Um, wow, oh Pandora.

• 1:20:19Speaker 01

  I'm gonna listen to Vampire Weekend Pandora.

• 1:20:20Speaker 00

  My art teacher used to let one person put their phone on the like, she had this like big stereo thing that you could put your phone on top of and it would like play music and she always let me put my Pandora channel on.

• 1:20:32Speaker 01

  We used to use Pandora in the morgue.

• 1:20:34Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:20:35Speaker 01

  Like a playlist.

• 1:20:36Speaker 00

  Fucking Pandora.

• 1:20:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:37Speaker 00

  Oh, wow. So it was a lovely final evening, just sitting around the fire, drinking, relaxing, chatting, listening to Pandora. It was after ten at this point, so that's technically quiet hours, but we were being respectful of the other people camping, not being loud. When all of a sudden a flashlight shines towards us and then another. We freeze briefly and Josh whispers, it's happening again, but this time we're gonna be murdered.

• 1:21:00Speaker 01

  God damn it, Josh.

• 1:21:02Speaker 00

  I'd be like, I'd be like, you should leave right now.

• 1:21:04Speaker 01

  You gotta get the fuck out of here.

• 1:21:05Speaker 00

  Get out of the campsite, Josh.

• 1:21:06Speaker 01

  Whisper to me, it's happening again, we're gonna get murdered.

• 1:21:08Speaker 00

  I'd say it's your fault, go on and get. Then, in the fires glow, two park rangers come walking up to us and they say, how are you doing? My stoned and drunk friends seemed a little nervous and replied, good. Then they asked if we were drinking. We lied and we said, no. Then one of the rangers shone a light on a beer can at one of the tables, a beer can that I left on the table.

• 1:21:30Speaker 01

  Oh, girl.

• 1:21:32Speaker 00

  I was the fucking idiot that night and left evidence on the table.

• 1:21:35Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:21:36Speaker 00

  They then proceed to tell us that we're not allowed to drink. And that we had to pour out all of our alcohol. Uh, they had fun doing that. Pour it out. At first, we tried to reason with them, but they weren't allowing it and they watched us as we murdered our alcohol. And honestly, the forest, because we had to pour it all on the ground.

• 1:21:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:53Speaker 00

  One of my friends made the point that it was bad for the environment, but the Rangers didn't care.

• 1:21:57Speaker 01

  That's lame.

• 1:21:57Speaker 00

  At one point, Josh yelled, I'm forty. How can I not have a drink? He wasn't forty, but he was the oldest of all of us.

• 1:22:05Speaker 01

  He wasn't.

• 1:22:06Speaker 00

  I love, in fact, it's like the narrator, he in fact was not forty, but he was the oldest of all of us. I told you at the beginning, his age would come back and was trying to use his age as part of the reason the whole thing was stupid. Especially because we were being quiet and not interrupting anyone else. Needless to say, we poured out over a hundred ounces of alcohol that night. We went to bed afterwards because the mood was killed.

• 1:22:28Speaker 01

  I'd say so.

• 1:22:29Speaker 00

  And that was because of me. I was the murderer of our fun and our alcohol. Quite the twist. You would never think that you'd be the murderer.

• 1:22:37Speaker 01

  Never.

• 1:22:38Speaker 00

  Fortunately, no humans were injured this night, just our egos and part of the forest ground. So I guess their time was a charm of Josh's camping trips. Thanks for reading this and I hope you keep it weird, but not so weird that you were involved in multiple murders while camping and the third murder ends up being you.

• 1:22:55Speaker 01

  I love that one.

• 1:22:57Speaker 00

  That was such a good one.

• 1:22:58Speaker 01

  I really love that.

• 1:22:59Speaker 00

  I love it a lot.

• 1:23:00Speaker 01

  That's a lot of murders on camping trips or just shenanigans.

• 1:23:04Speaker 00

  That's a, I think that's just like what happens on camping trips.

• 1:23:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I just think like, that's that, you know? I think you did it. You gave it your all.

• 1:23:12Speaker 00

  I think so too.

• 1:23:13Speaker 01

  And that's that.

• 1:23:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. What else are you gonna do? You know?

• 1:23:15Speaker 01

  What are you gonna do?

• 1:23:16Speaker 00

  All right. This will be the last one because it's Appalachian and that's where you end.

• 1:23:20Speaker 01

  You have to end on an Appalachian one.

• 1:23:22Speaker 00

  Appalachia.

• 1:23:23Speaker 01

  So this one is, excuse me, let me get my eyes back.

• 1:23:26Speaker 00

  I don't know if I will excuse you. Remember when you were a theater kid that taunted me? I allowed you to act and you didn't even allow me to cheer. Without judgment.

• 1:23:35Speaker 01

  I can't help my face.

• 1:23:37Speaker 00

  You really can't. I can't help my face either.

• 1:23:39Speaker 01

  That's true. How ghosts turned my hike on the Appalachian Trail into a full-on sprint. Hi, weirdos. My name is Katie.

• 1:23:47Speaker 00

  Hi, Katie.

• 1:23:48Speaker 01

  Pronouns she/her.

• 1:23:49Speaker 00

  Two-two.

• 1:23:50Speaker 01

  Yes, you can use my two-two.

• 1:23:51Speaker 00

  I am two-two years old.

• 1:23:53Speaker 01

  Two-two. Yes, you can use my name, and I absolutely love your podcast.

• 1:23:57Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:23:57Speaker 01

  I've been waiting for something spooky to happen to me for some time now, so I could finally write a listener tale. And what do you know? I was blessed with an absolutely terrifying night just for you.

• 1:24:05Speaker 00

  Huzzah!

• 1:24:06Speaker 01

  I could write paragraphs about how much I appreciate you both, but instead, I'll cut to the chase.

• 1:24:11Speaker 00

  Oh, fine.

• 1:24:12Speaker 01

  The chase being the scariest night of my life. I'm gonna apologize in advance for the length. It's about an eight-minute read.

• 1:24:18Speaker 00

  That's fine.

• 1:24:18Speaker 01

  All right, settle in. Last year, the year of my 21st birthday, two-one, should have been the greatest year of my life.

• 1:24:26Speaker 00

  It never is. On my 21st birthday, my friend crashed her head into a wall, so we're not friends anymore.

• 1:24:31Speaker 01

  No, it never will be.

• 1:24:32Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:24:33Speaker 01

  So instead, it was easily the hardest. It seemed like every week was something new: family illness, myself getting sick several times, friends passing away, and doing my best to support my other friends while they also went through the hardest year of their lives. It's safe to say, when 2022 came around, I was ready for a break from it all. In January of this year, my dad was reading the paper when he came across an article of a girl who had hiked the entirety of the Appalachian Trail.

• 1:24:59Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 1:25:00Speaker 01

  I was immediately intrigued. Anyone that knows me knows I'm a bit of a tomboy. I love the outdoors and practically grew up in the woods. I decided right then and there that I would hike the trail. I hoped it would be a fresh start from the craziness my life had been.

• 1:25:13Speaker 00

  You did a Lilac Gilmore.

• 1:25:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, you did. In September of this year, I left for a month-long hike on the trail and was immediately hit with its intensity. It was easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

• 1:25:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm sure.

• 1:25:27Speaker 01

  However, there was one night in particular that stood out more than any other. Twenty days into my hike, Jesus Christ.

• 1:25:34Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ. I just, my whole body just felt a warm.

• 1:25:37Speaker 01

  I'm tired just from that.

• 1:25:40Speaker 00

  I go up the stairs, and I'm like, woo!

• 1:25:42Speaker 01

  That's enough for me. So 20 days into my hike, I had arrived at a shelter. Those of you who aren't familiar with the trail, there are shelters every eight to 10 ish miles in case of harsh weather conditions. Shelters usually consisted of three walls and a roof. However, the shelter I had reached this particular night was one of the largest shelters on the trail. This one was rectangular shaped, four walls with two large door frames on either side of the walls running lengthwise. On either side of the shelter were two bunks. I've attached a drawing for reference.

• 1:26:12Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:26:13Speaker 01

  I arrived at the shelter late in the day. Rather than pitching my hammock in a tree like I did most nights, I decided to hang it inside of the shelter between the two bunks. My hammock came with a bug net that fully enclosed it while I slept. Little did I know, this would become one more obstacle in my escape later on.

• 1:26:29Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 1:26:29Speaker 01

  I then attached my food sack to the rope and threw it on top of the roof, securing the other end to a post down below, so I would be able to pull it down later. This protected it from bears, the only predator I was supposed to expect on trail.

• 1:26:43Speaker 00

  Uh oh.

• 1:26:43Speaker 01

  By the time I was fully set up, it was 9pm and it was dark inside the shelter. I was fully alone tonight, like I was most nights. I decided to do my hike in the off season, so I rarely saw anyone. Most of the days and nights were spent completely alone in the middle of the mountains.

• 1:26:58Speaker 00

  That's horrifying.

• 1:26:59Speaker 01

  You're brave. Extraterrestrial.

• 1:27:02Speaker 00

  And not.

• 1:27:02Speaker 01

  I zipped myself into the bug net and settled down for the night, texting my family and friends to let them know I had made it to the shelter for the night, like I did every night. About 15 minutes later, I hear what sounds like footsteps approaching the shelter. I remember sighing in relief. Nights alone in the woods were often terrifying and it always helped having fellow hikers nearby. I waited for the footsteps to approach the shelter, so I could inform my new friend that they were welcome to sleep in the shelter with me, but they never did.

• 1:27:29Speaker 00

  That's really nice that you would have just told a stranger that they could sleep in the same area.

• 1:27:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, cuz I'd be like, don't come the fuck in here.

• 1:27:35Speaker 00

  Occupant.

• 1:27:36Speaker 01

  Occupado.

• 1:27:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:27:37Speaker 01

  Bye. I wasn't worried, though. Lots of hikers preferred to pitch their own tent outside the shelter for privacy. I again find myself playing on my phone, talking to friends, and scrolling Instagram with what little signal I had. After a while, I noticed I hadn't heard anything more from the footsteps. No shuffling to set up camp and no footsteps walking away. It seems strange.

• 1:27:58Speaker 00

  Hate that.

• 1:27:59Speaker 01

  From my vantage point in the hammock, I could see outside.

• 1:28:02Speaker 00

  Couldn't.

• 1:28:02Speaker 01

  I couldn't see outside. If I had any lights on inside of the bug net, I wouldn't have been able to see out. The light from my phone reflected off the black netting and would only light up the inside of my hammock, but nothing on the outside. I settle myself deeper into my sleeping bag and try to relax. No more than five minutes later, I hear heavy footsteps again approaching the shelter, this time from the back.

• 1:28:24Speaker 00

  Thought you were surrounded.

• 1:28:25Speaker 01

  I quickly sit up and press my face against the bug net in order to see outside and wait for the owner of the feet to appear. The footsteps walk right past the doorway, and I see nothing. I immediately feel the blood in my face drain down my spine. The noise was close enough to the door that I should have been able to see whoever it was, but no one was there. My whole body hummed to life with adrenaline.

• 1:28:49Speaker 00

  That's a whom, babe. Whom?

• 1:28:52Speaker 01

  I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to get a grip. Maybe it was just a possum walking by, and I hadn't seen it due to its short stature?

• 1:28:58Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 1:28:59Speaker 01

  I knew deep in my heart it wasn't that. "Breathe, calm down," I was silently screaming to myself. "You're fine, you're just worked up." I laid flat in my hammock for several minutes, listening for more while my pulse hammered away. Just then, I felt my body begin to relax, and I heard a noise that seemed to deafen everything around it. On the wall closest to my feet, I could hear the sound, what sounded like a baseball bat, running along the length of the wooden siding. Slowly, like a psycho killer would do.

• 1:29:30Speaker 00

  Psycho killer.

• 1:29:32Speaker 01

  Footsteps again crunching in the gravel alongside it.

• 1:29:35Speaker 00

  I don't like it.

• 1:29:37Speaker 01

  Right now seemed like an appropriate time to run to safety, but again, I was in the middle of the forest, and I had no idea who or what was out there. It was then that I recalled reading a comment in one of my hiking apps that mentioned this particular shelter. The comment read, "Weird guy at the tent sites. For some odd reason, he displays a baseball bat at his site."

• 1:30:00Speaker 01

  I was certain at that moment that the sound was the man from the common and that he was going to bash my head in with that bat.

• 1:30:06Speaker 00

  Period.

• 1:30:07Speaker 01

  Period, indeed. I quickly sent a text to my dad saying that I didn't feel safe where I was and to mark my location in case something were to happen to me.

• 1:30:14Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:30:15Speaker 01

  Imagine getting that text from your child.

• 1:30:17Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 1:30:20Speaker 01

  That would be, I would die.

• 1:30:22Speaker 00

  I'd send a helicopter to Appalachia.

• 1:30:23Speaker 01

  Truly. I would take flight.

• 1:30:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, period.

• 1:30:25Speaker 01

  I think I would become a cryptid and I would fly. I would take flight.

• 1:30:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:30:31Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm just hitting stuff.

• 1:30:32Speaker 00

  That's mama shit.

• 1:30:33Speaker 01

  He replied seconds later with, get your bear spray out.

• 1:30:36Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:30:36Speaker 01

  This only increased my rapidly rising pulse. I had, I had brought the bear spray for protection, but never planned on using it.

• 1:30:43Speaker 00

  Sometimes you got it, baby.

• 1:30:44Speaker 01

  As I'm sending my last text, I hear the bat sound again, this time on the stoop of the shelter. I shoved my face and headlamp, which I had just rustled out from under my sleeping bag, against the bug net again and see nothing. I feel tears rolling down my cheeks without even realizing that I had been crying.

• 1:31:01Speaker 00

  I get that.

• 1:31:02Speaker 01

  I remember thinking, I'm gonna die if I don't move. I pushed aside my feelings of fear and tried to replace them with thoughts of someone braver than I was.

• 1:31:10Speaker 00

  No, you're hella brave.

• 1:31:11Speaker 01

  I, you're brave just for being there.

• 1:31:12Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying.

• 1:31:13Speaker 01

  I strapped on my headlamp, unzipped the bug net and nearly fell to the ground. In my left hand, I had my phone open to dial 911 and my right was bear spray. As confidently as I could, I stepped outside of the shelter with my bear spray up and called out, hello?

• 1:31:27Speaker 00

  No, you don't do that, baby.

• 1:31:28Speaker 01

  You don't do that.

• 1:31:29Speaker 00

  No. That's the worst, no.

• 1:31:31Speaker 01

  You know, you walk out there and you say, I have a gun.

• 1:31:34Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:31:35Speaker 01

  That's what you say.

• 1:31:35Speaker 00

  I'm gonna fuck you up.

• 1:31:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. Nothing. I wasn't quite sure what my plan was, but I knew it involved spraying this asshole in the face if he came running around the corner.

• 1:31:44Speaker 00

  What if he was just like, hi?

• 1:31:45Speaker 01

  Ha, ha, ha. I walked around to the backside of the shelter and was horrified. Nobody was there.

• 1:31:53Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:31:54Speaker 01

  But I could hear the footsteps again, loud and clear, walking south of the shelter. I knew right then and there that what I was dealing with wasn't human.

• 1:32:01Speaker 00

  Oh, not an Appalachia baby.

• 1:32:03Speaker 01

  I switched my phone from the calling app to my camera, knowing 911 wouldn't be able to help with this one.

• 1:32:09Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:32:09Speaker 01

  And started taking a video for proof. Just as I had done so, the detached footsteps stopped, turned around and started walking right up to me. In a panic, I ended the video and ran back into the shelter.

• 1:32:21Speaker 00

  Ew.

• 1:32:22Speaker 01

  Once inside, I frantically punched numbers to hostels inside my, into my phone, desperately hoping one would answer and send a driver to get me. My hopes were low since it was now 10:00 PM at night. After being sent to a voice, to voicemail multiple times, one of the hostels called me back and I broke down into a full on sob.

• 1:32:39Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:32:39Speaker 01

  I remember the conversation going something like this. Ma'am, are you okay? No. Do you want me to call the police for you? No, they wouldn't be able to help. Why not, honey? Nobody is here. You're alone? Yes, but that's not what I mean. They were probably like, what?

• 1:32:55Speaker 00

  What? If it was me, I'd be like, ah, ghost.

• 1:32:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, you see a ghost.

• 1:32:58Speaker 00

  Gonna send someone for you, babe.

• 1:33:00Speaker 01

  I explained my situation more in depth to the lady and she went quiet for a second before telling me she didn't have room at her hospital, hospital that night.

• 1:33:07Speaker 00

  What a bitch.

• 1:33:08Speaker 01

  I felt like I was gonna pass out from fear at this point. Hearing the panic in my voice, she gave me the numbers of several hostels in a nearby resort.

• 1:33:15Speaker 00

  What a nice woman.

• 1:33:17Speaker 01

  Seriously, though.

• 1:33:19Speaker 00

  Just sleep at the desk.

• 1:33:20Speaker 01

  Like make a little room.

• 1:33:21Speaker 00

  I'd be like, you can sleep in the lobby.

• 1:33:23Speaker 01

  We'll just get you here.

• 1:33:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:33:23Speaker 01

  And then once you're here, we'll get you somewhere else.

• 1:33:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, cuz she knows what's going on. It's a, it's a walka. It's a walka.

• 1:33:30Speaker 01

  While I'm dialing the resort, I could hear footsteps now running past the doorway on my right.

• 1:33:35Speaker 00

  It's a flush pedestrian.

• 1:33:37Speaker 01

  Again, nobody is there. I'm hyperventilating. When the front desk lady answers my call, she informed me to get to the closest road as soon as possible and that she was sending a maintenance man to pick me up.

• 1:33:46Speaker 00

  Oh, you know, they get these calls all the time and they, they know.

• 1:33:50Speaker 01

  I hang up the phone and start throwing everything into my pack, all the while trying to ignore the footsteps running around the shelter. I exit the shelter and scramble to where I hung my food sack. In a panic stricken frenzy, I tried to untie the knot before giving up and cutting it free from the post I had tied it to.

• 1:34:06Speaker 00

  Was there free dried spaghetti in there?

• 1:34:07Speaker 01

  Probably. And I don't want to see it.

• 1:34:11Speaker 00

  Oh, now you don't?

• 1:34:12Speaker 01

  I know, I want to see it.

• 1:34:13Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:34:14Speaker 01

  I ran through the woods until I made it to the road I had crossed on my way in. The maintenance man was already there waiting.

• 1:34:20Speaker 00

  A G.

• 1:34:20Speaker 01

  Maintenance man. I threw myself into his truck without checking to see if this was in fact the person that was at the resort sent after me. I know, probably not the smartest decision, but at this point, I was okay with riding with a potential Bundy if that meant I was near civilization.

• 1:34:34Speaker 00

  I'd rather deal with a human scary person than a invisible scary thing.

• 1:34:39Speaker 01

  That's, see, I'm the opposite.

• 1:34:42Speaker 00

  In Appalachia.

• 1:34:43Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 1:34:44Speaker 00

  Like, not right now.

• 1:34:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:34:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:34:46Speaker 01

  The car ride to the resort was long and awkward, so I decided to tell the driver about my terrifying encounter.

• 1:34:51Speaker 00

  Wait, no, because I was just thinking, here's the thing, you can kill a person.

• 1:34:54Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 1:34:54Speaker 00

  You can't kill a ghost, they're dead.

• 1:34:56Speaker 01

  He proceeded to inform me that I most likely ran into angry spirits. After all, quote, "The trail runs right through native lands."

• 1:35:05Speaker 01

  That sent chills throughout my body. My witchy friends made me take crystals with me for protection from things like this. Later that night, after dumping the contents of my pack on the hotel room floor, I found one of my protection crystals had a piece broken off. My friend informed that me that this meant it had absorbed a large amount of negative energy and was now, quote unquote, useless.

• 1:35:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:35:28Speaker 01

  I almost made this the last night of my trip, but decided I wasn't going to let a little ghost sighting stop me from having perhaps one of the best experiences of my life. You're a badass. I'm so thankful I didn't. I continued to hike for the rest of the month and finished proudly after having hiked 283.5 miles in 30 fucking days.

• 1:35:50Speaker 00

  You went back?

• 1:35:52Speaker 01

  This bitch. This bitch.

• 1:35:54Speaker 00

  You went back?

• 1:35:55Speaker 01

  During which time I made lifelong friendships, hiked through the entire Smoky Mountains and learned more about myself in 30 days than I have in 22 years of living.

• 1:36:05Speaker 00

  Wow. You eat, you ate, you prayed, and you lurve on that trail.

• 1:36:11Speaker 01

  Many of those days I spent listening to this podcast to keep me going.

• 1:36:15Speaker 00

  Oh, my god.

• 1:36:16Speaker 01

  That's so fucking cool.

• 1:36:17Speaker 00

  That's really cool.

• 1:36:18Speaker 01

  So to put an end to this incredibly long story, keep it weird, but not so weird that take it away, Ash.

• 1:36:23Speaker 00

  You decide to embark on a fucking journey hiking across the Appalachian fucking trail, and you say, this whole thing is going to change my life. And the first time that you try to set out there, you, the footsteps and the baseball bats and the spirits and the broken crystals. Everything gets to you and you get in the car with a man who you don't know if is Ted Bundy, but he says, I'm not Ted Bundy, but those spirits are gonna get you boo. And you say, no, they're not. I'm gonna finish this trail. And you keep it so weird that you finish the motherfucking trail while listening to Morbin. Which also, like, the fact that you listened to Morbin the entire time, you hyped the Appalachian Trail. Is he, like, you made it harder for yourself in that way.

• 1:36:58Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 1:36:59Speaker 00

  You said, I'mma freak myself out while I do this.

• 1:37:01Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:37:01Speaker 00

  You got your freak on. Missy Elliott would be proud. I'm on a Missy Elliott kick.

• 1:37:05Speaker 01

  You are on a Missy Elliott kick. I love it.

• 1:37:07Speaker 00

  And you got your freak on.

• 1:37:08Speaker 01

  That was wild.

• 1:37:10Speaker 00

  That was scary.

• 1:37:12Speaker 01

  That was great.

• 1:37:13Speaker 00

  If you guys thought that this was gonna make me camp.

• 1:37:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:16Speaker 00

  You're wrong.

• 1:37:17Speaker 01

  I'm saying.

• 1:37:20Speaker 00

  You're so weird. Well, you people, as, as usual, can I ask you something? Do you say as per usual, or is that redundant?

• 1:37:29Speaker 01

  I do not like saying as per usual.

• 1:37:30Speaker 00

  Doesn't it feel redundant?

• 1:37:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:32Speaker 00

  I know as and per are different, but like-

• 1:37:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't love it.

• 1:37:34Speaker 00

  But aren't as and per kind of the same? Cause it's like per my last email.

• 1:37:37Speaker 01

  That's what I would feel.

• 1:37:38Speaker 00

  As per?

• 1:37:39Speaker 01

  I don't like as per usual.

• 1:37:40Speaker 00

  As as, as as my last email.

• 1:37:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:43Speaker 00

  Per my last email.

• 1:37:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm totally on your side.

• 1:37:45Speaker 00

  I think I might, you're like, you don't have to convince me. I think I'm gonna start saying per per my last email.

• 1:37:50Speaker 01

  Per per.

• 1:37:50Speaker 00

  Per.

• 1:37:51Speaker 01

  Per.

• 1:37:52Speaker 00

  I don't know. Anyways, I've gone on a lot of tangents this time. Good job.

• 1:37:57Speaker 01

  If you have any listener tales, send them in with listener tale in the subject line.

• 1:38:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, to [email protected].

• 1:38:03Speaker 01

  Do it.

• 1:38:04Speaker 00

  We hope you keep listening.

• 1:38:05Speaker 01

  And we hope you.

• 1:38:06Speaker 00

  We really hope you keep listening.

• 1:38:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. And we hope you.

• 1:38:09Speaker 00

  Keep.

• 1:38:09Speaker 01

  It weird.

• 1:38:12Speaker 00

  As weird as us.

• 1:38:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:38:14Speaker 00

  Bye.