Ep 641 - The Russian Masters (feat. Tim Butterly & SWIM)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Tim @ https://www.patreon.com/timbutterly & Support DadMeat @ https://www.patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Tim Live @ https://linktr.ee/timbutterly Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Yo0o00o. Hope you're all having a good week. We got the broz - Tim & SWIM in Matt HQ for you. Scorchin' hot cast. We talk poop, cum, Russian literature, and some other things. Support Tim's podz and see him on the road. Please enjoy. I love you. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:01Matt McCusker?

  Hey, welcome to the podcast. We're here. I'm with Tim Butterly. Tim, I didn't get to properly say hello.

• 0:06Speaker 02

  Hey, man. What's up?

• 0:08Matt McCusker?

  Motherfucking Tom.

• 0:10Speaker 02

  What's up?

• 0:11Matt McCusker?

  What's up, bros? How we doing, man?

• 0:12Speaker 02

  We're just, you know, filling in, chilling, chilling in.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  During a slow news week.

• 0:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, nothing going on.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  Not really much going on.

• 0:18Matt McCusker?

  I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. Yeah, sorry. That's my, this thing's been shagging out. I, um, I had a actually, you know, I had a personally, I had a tumultuous night last night. So as you know, my babe's pregnant. So my babe's pregnant and, um, she's been having just belly issues. First trimester, you know, first trimester.

• 0:36Speaker 00

  Sick as a dog every day.

• 0:37Matt McCusker?

  Sick as a dog every day. I mean, I'll tell you what about parenting, man. The days are long, but they go by quick, if you know what I mean. But so I'm like, end of the day, I'm like, all right, time to chill. Babe hits me with literally like, oh yeah, good call, actually. Babe hits me, dude, I didn't fucking do that. Babe, I've been doing that for like five months, just like, good call.

• 0:59Speaker 00

  You got some clarity this week.

• 1:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I got clarity for sure. But she hits me with like a pregnant hospital like level, like her stomach got super fucked up. So I'm like, you know, I'm like, all right, we gotta go. I selfishly hate the emergency. I hate the hospital. Hate the emergency. I'm like a real big bitch when it comes to going there.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  It's a tough hang.

• 1:21Matt McCusker?

  It's a tough hang, dude. But so I'm like, trying to be like, let's, let's wait it out. She's like, I have to go. And I'm like,

• 1:27Speaker 00

  Let's give it 15 minutes.

• 1:29Matt McCusker?

  And if it gets worse, we can always go. In 20 minutes.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  In 20.

• 1:33Matt McCusker?

  I was, dude, and I said, you know what?

• 1:34Speaker 00

  I just need to put my shoes on. I'm ready to go now.

• 1:36Matt McCusker?

  My biggest thing was I was trying not to be as a bitch, just being like, all right, let's go.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  Six hours.

• 1:44Matt McCusker?

  So I'm doing my best not to be like, yeah, let's go. All right.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Not to fight instead.

• 1:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I won't sleep. That's fine.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  Let's just stay here and fight.

• 1:52Matt McCusker?

  No, I love, I love going to the emergency room. So I'm, it's taking, and this is embarrassing, but I'm marshaling every just like speck of my willpower not to be a complete baby and make it all about myself.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  You're just building the greatest told you so of all time.

• 2:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 2:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  It's like in Super Smash Bros. when you squeeze and it keeps getting bigger and bigger and you're like, I'm gonna hit you with like an ultimate told you so smash.

• 2:16Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I, I was Notre Dame seeing and Monster told you so. And I was like, don't even think about the told you so.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Like a life and death told you, told you're not dying.

• 2:26Matt McCusker?

  Let's go. We go, we go there and I'm like, and first of all, this is all me too. I'm like so tired. I missed the exit. So like nightmare scenario. Well, how did you miss it? I'm like, I'm, cause I'm thinking about other stuff and I'm like, just, we can go this way. If the highway system's fine, it'll connect us. So I, you know, so I, everything's chill. Still, everything's chill. I'm driving. We get to the hospital and I, it's like, do we go to like the pregnancy area? Cause I think you get kind of first dibs when you're pregnant at the hospital. But I'm like, I don't, I didn't know where to go. So I'm like, let's just go in the emergency room and they'll kind of sort us out. Dude, we go in there and it was like full on Star Wars bar. The emergency room there, it was, I walk.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Gallery. It's just packed with like.

• 3:08Matt McCusker?

  Packed with like.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Various stages of death and dying and.

• 3:11Matt McCusker?

  In sick, you got tummy aches. You got gunshot victims. Yes. I walk in there.

• 3:15Speaker 00

  My green people.

• 3:16Matt McCusker?

  There, there's just a guy, cause like Brittany, I go like, here, sit down. Cause her stomach was really fucked up. I'm like, you sit down, I'll go handle official administrative biz. So she's in the chair, a dude toed over next to her is this old guy who's just, you could tell has never read the back of any nutrition label ever in his life. Dude, he's, he's three, he's three chairs down. He just goes, ah.

• 3:38Matt McCusker?

  Oh my God.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  You're like auditioning at that point.

• 3:42Matt McCusker?

  They're all trying to go back. Everyone's trying to go back first.

• 3:47Matt McCusker?

  You start going, babe, stay with me. Someone please.

• 3:52Matt McCusker?

  Shirt's fully unbuttoned.

• 3:57Matt McCusker?

  I look up at him like, shut the fuck up. I look at my poor sweet wife. She's like this, her stomach's all messed up. And then behind me, and if this is HIPAA, my bad. I don't know. With the technology, I think HIPAA is not existent anymore, but there's a couple next. The guy's in a deeper level of babe hell than I am.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  So there's pregnant babe or just?

• 4:14Matt McCusker?

  Not pregnant babe. Pregnant babe is like, yeah, man, I, there's nothing I can do. This guy's here, to my knowledge.

• 4:20Speaker 00

  Pregnant woman.

• 4:21Matt McCusker?

  Non-pregnant, huh?

• 4:22Speaker 00

  Pregnant woman.

• 4:22Matt McCusker?

  Excuse me.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Person.

• 4:23Matt McCusker?

  Excuse me, pregnant person. My bad. Can we start over? But so I, I see this there, there's a move in the hospital where like, cause there's a four or five person line to get to admin. So I get in line and there's two people in a chair and the, the line's like, there's a chair, but it's off to the side. So I get in line in front of the chair and I hear like, oh, and I'm like, fuck. And I look back and they're, they're hitting the Spanish back and forth to each other. And I can get, I, I, the lady's spazzing, the guy's going, it's universal language. The guy's going.

• 4:59Matt McCusker?

  And I'm going, oh, I'm going, oh shit. I think they might be in line, but sitting, kind of like I'm in line, but I'm sitting move. So I'm like, hey, man, speak now, forever hold your peace. I got my own emergency going on. I'm technically in line. If you guys, if they were to be like, hey, we're sitting in the line. I'm like, hey, I would have yielded, but they didn't say anything. But the lady keeps popping off and I, the lady, the guy, and she would go, eh, no, anti and they, and I'm like, I actually do understand what you're saying.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:25Matt McCusker?

  So I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh dude, they're fighting about the fact that I'm here. And I was faced with a real moral conundrum. I'm like, my babe's suffering. It was like the, like the ethics thing, like if five people on an island, you gotta kick one off. What do you do? And I was just like, not my problem. So I kind of, yeah, lo siento, si, perdóname, por favor, soy un picador, I'm a sinner. But so I get, I get in front, I'm like just in line and I'm like, I, I got my babe suffering. I'm, this is no time to be like, I'm sorry, were you guys here, guys? Come on, get ready. I'm like, dude, this is life or death.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  If it was for you, obviously you'd prefer.

• 6:02Matt McCusker?

  And, and it's like, you can't sit in a chair and call your spot. You got, the dude should be, I'm saving a spot. My babe's in a chair. That dude should be in line. And if I had to guess, the baby's like, you hold my hand. He's like, no, I can't hold your hand. I gotta get in line. You gotta just be a grown up for five seconds, but whatever.

• 6:20Matt McCusker?

  So whatever. But anyways, it's, it's tough. But so I'm, I'm watching this whole thing unfold. And meanwhile, I'm like, anything for my, my babe. I got it. I'm.

• 6:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll kill both of them right now.

• 6:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'll fucking, I'll, I'll kill these guys. I need to get my babe seen right away. She's with the child. Come on, don't even, don't even talk to me. So I'm in line and then this lady starts, she starts escalating, escalating and the guy's like, no, no, no, no. And then she's like, so they, they stand up behind me and they officially get in line and the lady keeps on, ah, and he gets, and then they, to the point where they're like, we need security to this lady. And then she, dude, ultimate, she just goes, ah, and does a fake faint, just one ups with a completely fake faint. And I was like, dude, get us the fuck out of here right now.

• 7:03Speaker 00

  So they jumped in front of you at that point?

• 7:05Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no. She just went, cause like they're, they're waiting. And then like the lady came out to help me with a click. It was so crowded. They came out to help me with a clipboard. And then she was like seeing people dispatch and you know, I'm getting some action. I'm finally getting some fucking play.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:16Matt McCusker?

  So she just hits the ultimate, like after screaming, shut up in Spanish, and then started to laugh like a maniac. She go, they, they mentioned security and she goes, ah, this is lazy. And just like puddles out on the floor. The dude picks her up. He's like, come on. And then he, at one point he looks over at me like, what do I do? And I, I was like, bro, I literally had, I was like.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  You guys should have rolled together.

• 7:42Matt McCusker?

  I should have, like, yeah, let's just.

• 7:46Matt McCusker?

  For real. I looked at him. It was, I was in the hospital. I just looked at him. I said, bro, you'll be fine. Don't.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're gonna get home. We'll get some sleep.

• 7:52Matt McCusker?

  Don't worry.

• 7:52Speaker 00

  Shove it over it.

• 7:53Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, but also weird thing. They were claiming three, she's like, she's been having a panic attack for three days. She hasn't slept in three days. And I'm sitting there like.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  Bro, she's doing.

• 8:01Matt McCusker?

  She's possessed. Either she's possessed or she's on meth. Or it's just like, it was like the most, it was hard.

• 8:07Speaker 00

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• 8:10Speaker 02

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• 8:16Speaker 00

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• 8:21Speaker 02

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• 8:27Speaker 00

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• 8:43Matt McCusker?

  Horrible. But, uh, but yeah, and apparently they were trying to like bounce, get like bouncer energy on her. And this nurse, thank God, came out and was like, dude, just let's bring this lady, but she's clearly something's off.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:53Matt McCusker?

  But whatever. So I'm out of there by then. I had to go move the car, transport babe to like baby ward. And it was just like, I haven't, I had the emerg, I was like, dude, the emergency room's gonna be crazy. And when we got in there, it was a level so beyond that it took everything in me not to turn around and be like.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  You feel better?

• 9:11Matt McCusker?

  The guy, literally the first guy in line.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  Thanks for the invite, babe.

• 9:16Matt McCusker?

  The first guy in line, when I get there is like, I think I'm having a heart attack. And I'm like three in line, just like, all right, that's one guy out of the way. Let's, uh, let's go here.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  He starts striking up conversations, people convincing them they're fine and they leave. You're like, I hate when you see like a kid with a big ice bag on his arms. Like damn, that's gonna get preference.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Why don't you try walking it off champ? You know?

• 9:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Oh, he's fine. Nothing but like, there was like dudes, dudes just like wrapped in blankets there. And I was like, the fuck are you, what are you doing, dude? Come on, get out of here.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  She hit him with a six pack of ginger ale. She's rolling in like ginger ale, ginger ale, ginger ale. It would have taken care of like half the crowd.

• 9:52Matt McCusker?

  So that was my night. So I was there till one fifteen AM last night.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Jesus.

• 9:58Matt McCusker?

  Got to situate. Hey, man, look.

• 10:00Speaker 00

  And what was the diagnosis?

• 10:02Matt McCusker?

  It for real. Honestly, I think it was a um, uh, those pregnancy vitamins they have like, like iron can really fuck your stomach up. So it was like zinc. There was no iron in it, which was the big confusion, but I think it was like a massive dose of zinc on an already irritated stomach. I looked it up. It's like a four hour ordeal. It'll fuck you up.

• 10:21Speaker 00

  And then it passed.

• 10:22Matt McCusker?

  Did they treat anything or they just send her home to chill?

• 10:24Speaker 00

  You're talking about the professional medical guessers?

• 10:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, no, they're, they're all very nice.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  You need Dr. Huberman back there.

• 10:30Matt McCusker?

  They need.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  It would've been like, iron actually doesn't go into your stomach when you're pregnant. And actually because of it.

• 10:34Matt McCusker?

  Did you take it with K two fully? No, they were all, they were all super nice. They were just kind of like, well, let's just like, see what's up. And then they hit her with the lidocaine cocktail, which that's kind of all we needed.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  She brings them home.

• 10:45Matt McCusker?

  Huh?

• 10:46Speaker 00

  She brings them home.

• 10:47Matt McCusker?

  I'm sorry. Yeah, but I'll start trapping with that shit.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  Can you?

• 10:50Matt McCusker?

  I will cut. I would dry that shit out and use it as cut. A numbing aid? You can't trust me with a numbing aid. Come on, dog. I'm gonna trap. I'm gonna cut that with some creatine and trap it out. You get the mother shit popping, dude.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Should. You gotta get your hood popping.

• 11:03Matt McCusker?

  I do have to get my hood popping.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  For real.

• 11:06Matt McCusker?

  I live on a bitch block right now.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  I pulled up there. There's nothing popping.

• 11:09Matt McCusker?

  There's nothing popping, bro. I got no, but my block, my strip makes.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  I was.

• 11:14Matt McCusker?

  Sims neighborhood.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  I was waiting out front for like fifteen minutes. I was like looking around.

• 11:18Matt McCusker?

  No, no hoppers.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  Charlie perks, nothing.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Nothing popping on your.

• 11:25Matt McCusker?

  I gotta get some Young Bulls out there for sure. Some corner boys.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  It would take like three years before any law enforcement came around.

• 11:32Matt McCusker?

  I could for real sell heroin in my neighborhood for like ten years. But I got Facebook Marketplace.

• 11:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, just be like, yo.

• 11:39Matt McCusker?

  Just pull up.

• 11:43Speaker 00

  Just get it popping.

• 11:44Matt McCusker?

  Add my CR. I have all the stash in the tire of my CRV.

• 11:46Speaker 00

  Start buying up houses on your block.

• 11:50Matt McCusker?

  I wanna board them all up.

• 11:53Speaker 00

  I'm gonna take decorating into my own hands around here.

• 11:55Matt McCusker?

  A peptide's crack house. That's your future.

• 11:59Speaker 00

  This is the traditional way of where I come from.

• 12:01Matt McCusker?

  I saw me post up on the block with my chair pants, dude.

• 12:03Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, dude.

• 12:05Matt McCusker?

  It's a chair leg rest. I'm losing a, I'm missing a bolt right here.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  After gear, dude.

• 12:09Matt McCusker?

  These things are kind of sick.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  They are sick.

• 12:11Matt McCusker?

  Man, that was my night, dude. Just. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Football is heating up and PrizePix makes it easy to stay locked in. Find players with improved search. Track your picks with live box scores and find popular picks to copy with one click. So what you own this season? What player's having the most surprising performance? I would say Josh Allen is a, I really like what he's doing, quarterback. Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get a hundred and fifty dollars instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup. That's code DRENCH to get a hundred and fifty dollars instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup. PrizePix, run your game. I had a, I had a dad pull me out of dad hell. We were walking in the Walmart.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Oh, that's you're entering the mouth of dad hell.

• 12:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. And a guy was coming out. A guy had escaped. He was, you know, cleansed his sins.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Another thing in Aladdin, when like the jaguar head comes out. You gotta walk in and Jasmine's dressed ridiculously fine.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  That was so inappropriate.

• 13:14Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 13:15Speaker 00

  How hot they made Jasmine in that scene?

• 13:17Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that's none of your business.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 13:19Matt McCusker?

  That's.

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Can you scratch that?

• 13:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna.

• 13:24Matt McCusker?

  That's one strike.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  That is my bad, my bad.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  That was.

• 13:29Matt McCusker?

  The violence, Thomas. What's ridiculous is that Disney put in easy. Another thing where like little girls take off their clothing or you know what I'm talking about?

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:38Matt McCusker?

  Disney put in like a thing there where they say good, like good.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, when she's petting the tiger.

• 13:42Matt McCusker?

  And they go, good little girls take off the clothes real quick. If you rewind it. Did you know that?

• 13:45Speaker 00

  There's Easter eggs in the. The Disney Easter eggs of like.

• 13:47Matt McCusker?

  I know. There's like dicks all over the Little Mermaid. Did you ever see the priest's boner in Little Mermaid?

• 13:51Speaker 00

  No.

• 13:52Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I'm not fucking peeping meat like that. I'm telling you.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  I was staring at the mermaid tootsies, dude.

• 14:00Matt McCusker?

  We heard about Ariel sixteen, but we heard about.

• 14:05Matt McCusker?

  Although she lives underwater.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  She was a fish, dude.

• 14:08Matt McCusker?

  I feel like in Atlantis, you can make the argument, be like, oh, hold on, man.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  International waters argument?

• 14:12Matt McCusker?

  Fish lady. That's their culture and I respect it.

• 14:16Matt McCusker?

  Prince Eric's a real fucking villain in the story. Prince Eric's a real villain in the story. He's grabbed a naked lady out of the ocean.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Beach. And like took her home.

• 14:26Matt McCusker?

  Kissed her. Fucked up.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  Fucked up, bro.

• 14:29Matt McCusker?

  That's why I like Frozen. I like, I don't like, just have sisters empowering each other, punching guys in the face.

• 14:33Speaker 00

  I'm with that.

• 14:34Matt McCusker?

  I'm with Frozen. People say Frozen's satanic. I think it's empowering.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Why does it say satanic? I've never heard this either.

• 14:40Matt McCusker?

  Because they just say it's like.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  You've been out of the game too long.

• 14:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  It's just like.

• 14:45Matt McCusker?

  I'm getting right back in.

• 14:45Speaker 00

  Drowning, dude.

• 14:46Matt McCusker?

  I'm getting right back in.

• 14:47Speaker 00

  We were with the buddies the other day. Those kids are grown.

• 14:49Matt McCusker?

  Grown, bro.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  We, we unified our sons and it was like.

• 14:53Matt McCusker?

  Oh, bro.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  They looked at my kids.

• 14:54Matt McCusker?

  I, I heard that. I was thinking about that meeting about a year ago. I was like, bro, no two humans are gonna hit it off harder.

• 15:00Speaker 00

  We were driving home. Mac was like, I've never met anyone that much like me.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Not to put his biz out, dude. He wouldn't be happy if I put his biz out.

• 15:10Matt McCusker?

  True. My bad, my bad, my bad.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  He, dude, he hit me last night. I was putting him to bed and he was like, yo, can I ask you a question? And I thought it was gonna be like, can we go get us, like, can we go to the GameStop? Yeah, he's just like, what was it? What's up? He's like, is Santa real?

• 15:25Matt McCusker?

  Yo, between you and me.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  Is it between?

• 15:27Matt McCusker?

  I won't say nothing to mom.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Is he real? I'm like, what do you think? And then he's like, well, dude, I just like, I know you and mommy don't drink that much milk. So who drinks all the milk? So I was like, so you think this magical man's not real because milk is consumed? What's your evidence that he's not real? I started listing it off. I'm like, all right, I'm not gonna tell you this because it's up to you to find out, but you're saying you don't think there's a magical guy with an island of elves that builds toys that look like they came from Target? And what's hanging you up is a glass of fucking milk, kid?

• 15:58Speaker 00

  And he just was like, dude, what's real, what's not? He was like panicking.

• 16:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  He's like tooth fairy.

• 16:04Matt McCusker?

  It's the first existential crisis in a boy's life.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  Like, why do you guys lie to me? I was like, we've made a magical fucking seven years for you, dude.

• 16:10Matt McCusker?

  It's fun.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  Don't put this on me.

• 16:12Matt McCusker?

  You should try to hold on to Santa Claus until puberty. So it's just like, yeah, whatever.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  Then we devised a plan where we were gonna.

• 16:18Matt McCusker?

  He's the eldest, though. That's the thing. It's, it's better if there's old. I remember I learned about Santa not being real, but you and Kevin were like, yeah, dude, that shit's for kids. And I was like, well, so.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, we were like, crushed before. I made sure you didn't do that.

• 16:29Matt McCusker?

  With you guys? I remember, yeah, I remember feeling cool that I got to like help set up the toys that year.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:35Matt McCusker?

  And then after that, I was like, this sucks. I don't get any more presents.

• 16:37Speaker 00

  Well, I was trying to run a game with him. I was like, dude, let's not tell mom and like let her start to worry about you at like fifteen.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  And he was with it. I was like, I can't do that to you, mom.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Santi.

• 16:48Matt McCusker?

  That was actually how I confirmed Santa's not real was I stayed up on Christmas Eve one night and my older Wigger brothers were, they were old enough to like, I'll set up the tree and shit.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  They're not elves.

• 16:56Matt McCusker?

  I hated them so much. And I was getting Street Fighter II for a Super Nintendo that year.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Were you spying on them?

• 17:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I, I laid down at the top.

• 17:03Speaker 00

  But you were up in their business?

• 17:06Matt McCusker?

  It was my business, dude. It was my Street Fighter II. And I was, I was on the edge of the top stair just peeking over and they were all sitting under the tree and my brothers were like handling my shit. And he picked up my copy of Street Fighter II. He's like, damn, I'm about to start playing this right now. I was just like, no, you're not.

• 17:23Matt McCusker?

  Just raging at the top of the stairs.

• 17:28Matt McCusker?

  I was this close to running down. He's like, put it down. It's not yours.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Wait, did you come down and like tell him the next morning?

• 17:33Matt McCusker?

  No, I slunk back off to my bed and kept the secret because I was worried it would diminish the number of presents.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Oh, damn.

• 17:40Matt McCusker?

  Because if it's magic, magic run up the list, obviously. But then the second Santa's not real, it's like, man, mom and dad don't make that much money. I should probably.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  I got cut out. Pulled up on my dad all tough, like, yo, Santa's not real. And he was like, now you can help.

• 17:52Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 17:52Speaker 00

  And it was like twenties from there on out.

• 17:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  Here's twenty bucks, here's thirty bucks.

• 17:56Matt McCusker?

  Socks. He was like socks and fucking, yeah.

• 17:58Speaker 00

  Like, yeah, you gotta help the little kids now. I'm like, fuck.

• 18:00Matt McCusker?

  I thought so. I felt so cool that first Christmas when I got.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  He was feeling himself when he woke up. He like looked at me like, what's up?

• 18:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  I was like, I told your mom.

• 18:08Matt McCusker?

  Milk out of the carton.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  Yo. They was like, are leprechauns and fairies real? I'm like, yes, kind of. We're getting into fucking territories that I can't even explain to you.

• 18:19Matt McCusker?

  Maya holds it down. Everything's real. Like, if I'm like, well, she's like, dad, unicorns are real. And I'm like, yeah, man, fucking whatever.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Whatever you say.

• 18:26Matt McCusker?

  My bad. Excuse me. She's like, why don't I see fairies? I'm like, they're so fast and tiny. She's like, I wanna see one so bad. She gets really, she gets really fucked up about it. She's all about leprechauns right now.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  We, because we used to do the thing at St. Pat, or St. Patrick's Day where we would dye the toilet screen and stuff.

• 18:43Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 18:43Speaker 00

  So it's like, he's like cascading every like, oh, fuck, that's fake too. That's fake too. So he's having a real like.

• 18:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:51Speaker 00

  A logical crisis.

• 18:52Matt McCusker?

  He's gearing up to realize that you don't know shit about anything. That's the one that really hits.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  That's gonna hit him hard.

• 18:57Matt McCusker?

  And they go, oh, I'm telling you, I gave that to Maya prematurely by putting on these chair pants.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:02Matt McCusker?

  And I sat down and she went, ah, and cried. And I was like, ah, fuck, my bad. That was supposed to not be.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  That's a good way to introduce her to the never talk about what other people wear, though.

• 19:11Matt McCusker?

  Hmm, hmm.

• 19:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:13Matt McCusker?

  True. I thought she got fucked up. I was actually kind of fucked up. She.

• 19:16Speaker 00

  Fucked up. She even mentioned them. That's first and foremost in our house.

• 19:21Matt McCusker?

  True. That's, that's, that's top priority.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  I'm like, yeah, dad's naked. Don't say anything.

• 19:29Speaker 00

  I drank my coffee.

• 19:30Matt McCusker?

  How do your girls do around like deformed people?

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Uh, poorly.

• 19:35Matt McCusker?

  I mean, they're, they're like, they're, they're quick to fire off questions right away.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  They point?

• 19:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, right away. Dad, why's, why is his legs like that? I'm like, shut up, shut up.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude, they, they sniped a guy with a bionic leg at the farmer's market this weekend.

• 19:48Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 19:49Speaker 00

  And I had your two kids and my two kids and the three little ones were just like, yo, yo, yo, like the pointing star. I'm like, yo, drink that strawberry milk. Leave that fucking man alone. And they think it's cool.

• 20:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 00

  But I'm like, we're just not, we're not hitting like a three kid.

• 20:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  What the fuck right now?

• 20:08Speaker 00

  I'm sure the dude would laugh it off. I'm sure he's not like still waking up like fuck.

• 20:14Matt McCusker?

  They talk a big game like they're used to it. They still go home and just like fucking kids.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  It started brewing though. Like I heard one of them like, yo, they sung the alarm. Then the other two were like, whoa. I'm like dudes, shut it down.

• 20:27Matt McCusker?

  They do it with fat. They hit it with fat all the time. Like, well, that guy's really big dad. I'm like, stop. And also people who they can't tell are boys and girls. Like, is that a man or a woman?

• 20:39Speaker 00

  And they're ruthless. It'll be like a dude with a ponytail. I'm like, that's clearly a seven year old dude. I get offended.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  My hit me with a fat. Do you remember? Yeah. We were at the pool. She was like, dad, why is his belly so big?

• 20:58Speaker 00

  It's cause he's rich.

• 20:59Matt McCusker?

  They, Chloe, I was sitting there the other day. We're at like one of those outdoor brewery play place kind of things. And Chloe just came up to talk to me. I'm like standing in front of like four different people. Chloe comes up, she's like, um, dad, um, cause there's these little like stalls, like vendor things that sell like bracelets. So she's like trying to scheme on a bracelet and as she's like trying to formulate her sentence, she's like stress balling my stomach fat. Dad, I'm like, fuck off of me. She like isolated it under my shirt and started squeezing it. I'm like, yo, fucking release me. First of all, it's.

• 21:28Speaker 00

  No, we're not getting buttered. Where you come out without a shirt on, they're just like, you know, it just starts.

• 21:32Matt McCusker?

  I get crushed. I'm like, guys, I've been, I'm always like slimming up a little like, no, you're still, you're still, you're still chubby dad. And I'm like, all right, fucking thanks.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  They're on it.

• 21:41Matt McCusker?

  I'll be, there's, I'll be like getting a shower. I'll be sitting there like, dude, fucking, okay. They're like, no, you still, you still right there.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  It's like all around your hips mostly.

• 21:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  That doesn't seem to ever go. And they're like, you're right. It never goes kids.

• 21:55Matt McCusker?

  Chris loves leaving a welt on my belly. So he'll approach from like, he'll come from across the room and he's got his hand up and it just. And I go, ah, he got me again, bud. Really great. But I was in the middle of like, we were, me and MJ were trying to figure out something in the kitchen. And it was like a scheduling thing. Are we going, whatever? And he walked up and I didn't see him coming and he hooked it and he caught me and he knocked the wind out of me. You ever get like hitting the stomach? You can almost feel like it touched your spine. Like it went through all my organs. I'm like, I wasn't ready.

• 22:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I still bitch up. If I get a nut shot, I'm like, ah, god damn it. Stop.

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, I won.

• 22:37Matt McCusker?

  They have no idea what's going on. Stop it right now.

• 22:41Matt McCusker?

  It's not funny. You're not allowed a fucking job.

• 22:46Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I was, yeah, I've been, I've been, I've been rocking, dude. I've had, again, I've had a sick, my baby's been sick. So I've been rocking. It was just me and the kids. I bring them everywhere now. I'm like, I get your dog food. You stay here. I'm like, no, you're coming. So I bring them with me. It's no, like we see the cats. Like, no, you gotta stay with me. So I bring them home and then we're, uh, we're heading back last night and they're like, we're so hungry. And I'm like, guys will be fine. You're not going to die. My belly rumbled. I'm like, dude, you'll be fine. I was like, that way you'll actually eat what I give you. And they're like, you're so mean.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  They're not used to it.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  I took them on like a 99 degree hike and I was like, we're hardening you guys off.

• 23:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  And we walked and walked and sip water, keep going. I'm like, dude, they cracked, but then they like, they're coming around to the Texas heat.

• 23:29Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I did, I hit, I've been hitting, mine has been complaining. He's like, I like Philadelphia. It's too hot here. And I was like, this summer I'm toughening you two up. So I was making them do long walks in the heat and I would do like a little bit. I'm like, yeah, a little bit tougher today. I kept doing it. Now they've been, they've been toughing up pretty.

• 23:43Speaker 00

  We like went through the park down into like some creek bed. We were like playing the creek. We like walked up on like a, a five star homeless encampment.

• 23:50Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  And they were like, dude, we shouldn't be down here. I'm like, we're not hurting. These guys are chilling. Like if they come out.

• 23:56Matt McCusker?

  They shouldn't be down here.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's all part of toughening it up. You got used to like some wacko in the woods being like, yeah, dude, fucking, what's up?

• 24:04Matt McCusker?

  Step to them.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  Like we're standing in a pile of rocks.

• 24:06Matt McCusker?

  I bitched up. I went, I went through a homeless encampment in somewhere in Spokane, Washington. And I'm walking, there's like this cool little kind of like platform thing. You walk down in the river and I, I come up against like a, dude, it was like a six person, like a gauntlet of maybe like eight homeless people, four and four. And I'm like, pretty tight quarters. It was about the width of like this rug. And I'm like, I'll walk right through. I don't give a fuck. I started getting closer. One of the dudes just was wearing a Jason mask. I was like, yeah, maybe not.

• 24:32Speaker 00

  Jason mask.

• 24:33Matt McCusker?

  Jason mask guy. I was like, okay, that guy has me kind of shook.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Now this, this dude had like an old retired camper he found somewhere, like a pop up tent. And he had like some tarps up, some sitting areas. It was a fucking spread. And I was like, whoever this is, is a wise man. Like this isn't, that's all we need to worry. If he comes out, we can probably have conversations with them that'll benefit you.

• 24:54Matt McCusker?

  As part of.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  He could learn a thing or two. Yeah, this guy's on to some shit.

• 24:57Matt McCusker?

  That's, that's another thing my kids bug out about homeless people. Like they just now, like we pull up, they'll be like, they figured out like what homeless people are. And they're like, ah, but every time I pull up, she's like, dad, give him money now. He's, dad, they need money. I'm like, I don't have any, I don't have cash. First of all. Second of all, I'm like, well, let's feel the guy out. I don't, you know? I'm like, you don't know what the fuck he's going to use it for.

• 25:20Matt McCusker?

  He's like, dad, give him money, daddy. He doesn't have a house. They get, they get so fucked up about it. He doesn't, he doesn't. All right. It's fucked up. I know, guys. This is sad. Just. What you gotta do is ignore him and drive past.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Bunk him up. Be like, yo, you got, get him a bunk bed.

• 25:33Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  Just be like, yo.

• 25:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  You got a top bunk.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  See how tough you are now.

• 25:40Matt McCusker?

  They talk shit. Cause we had.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Heart you are now.

• 25:43Matt McCusker?

  We had these things. They get, their school gave us blessing bags where you go home, you're supposed to give them. They want you to take your kids. If you see a homeless person, you go with, it's like an apple, water, some supplies. And you hand it to like a homeless person. So I'm like, all right, guys, we had the bags. I took them downtown. I'm like.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  Safe injection needles.

• 25:59Matt McCusker?

  Female condoms and, uh.

• 26:02Matt McCusker?

  Dental dams. And, uh, did you hear they're proposing like sex housing for homeless people, like outdoor sex huts?

• 26:09Speaker 00

  What? They're just gonna.

• 26:10Matt McCusker?

  They play like a play, like a play tent.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  Oh, I thought you meant they're gonna put him up in a crib and you can pop by.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  I was like, who the fuck is proposing this? Like the bottom of the internet?

• 26:24Matt McCusker?

  You're talking about like a glory door?

• 26:26Speaker 00

  Just put up one wall with like, not my idea. I told you, I thought that's what they were proposing.

• 26:32Matt McCusker?

  Wouldn't it be, wouldn't it be the craziest thing this government's proposed?

• 26:35Speaker 00

  It's true.

• 26:37Matt McCusker?

  No, it was.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  America.

• 26:39Matt McCusker?

  Trump, exactly, dude. Jesus, man. The, uh, they were proposing like party play tent. Like they need a place where they can like hook up.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  Where they can get.

• 26:47Matt McCusker?

  I support that.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  That's step one to getting your shit back together.

• 26:50Matt McCusker?

  I would say.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Like anytime I've been like, I've never been homeless, but anytime I've been like off the rails and I get a new girlfriend, my shit's like.

• 27:00Matt McCusker?

  That's true.

• 27:00Speaker 00

  Haircut.

• 27:01Matt McCusker?

  That's true.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  Shit, clothes are washed, like.

• 27:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. But you think it's step one though?

• 27:06Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 27:06Matt McCusker?

  Do you think it's step one?

• 27:07Speaker 00

  It's step one when like that's coming back in. I mean, I haven't gone through this phase since I was like in my twenties, but like, once that's like in the realm of possibilities, you like, kind of start to lose hopelessness.

• 27:16Matt McCusker?

  I think we should like, I'm getting some new new.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  It can't be. Talk about celebrating lovemaking with a new person.

• 27:23Matt McCusker?

  We should, they should.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  Make it work for it. Make it like a book it program. Like you show up with a haircut.

• 27:30Matt McCusker?

  There was a teeth cleaning that you can get. And then at the end, they give you like a voucher for some pussy.

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, but if you had like a little smash.

• 27:36Matt McCusker?

  Enough stamps on your homeless guy, clean up your act card.

• 27:39Speaker 00

  And we can have the same thing for homeless ladies. That's what I'm saying. If they started.

• 27:44Matt McCusker?

  Guys that live places have sex with homeless ladies.

• 27:46Speaker 00

  We're the prize. Don't forget it. We're the prize.

• 27:49Matt McCusker?

  They gotta book it for the D.

• 27:54Matt McCusker?

  That's my favorite content.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  What are they proposing? Just places for them to make homeless love?

• 27:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 28:00Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. I gotta distinguish that. It's love is love. Hold on.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Love is love. You're right.

• 28:03Matt McCusker?

  Love is love, dude. Home is love is.

• 28:05Speaker 00

  Delete that.

• 28:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's what I've heard.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  A place for homeless people to make love. That's like cushy and.

• 28:12Matt McCusker?

  Or hook up, dude. Let's not put, I don't want to put Judeo-Christian values.

• 28:15Speaker 00

  Oh, you don't want to put like PIV on, like heteronormative PIV.

• 28:18Matt McCusker?

  Exactly. Yeah. They, they could just hook up. They could play. Could be poly.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  So just like a little incense, a little like.

• 28:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 28:28Matt McCusker?

  I would venture to say maybe a lot of incense.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Some soft tunes.

• 28:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, some, yeah.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  I support that. I came up with a new conclude, every morning now, like I sit outside and smoke cigarettes and just think of like, you know, government solutions.

• 28:42Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  You know, the fire.

• 28:44Matt McCusker?

  Your gentleman.

• 28:45Speaker 00

  I think like Trump has been a very divisive president.

• 28:48Matt McCusker?

  Sure.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  But we kind of need to keep that energy in the presidency for forever now, right?

• 28:52Matt McCusker?

  Why?

• 28:53Speaker 00

  Here's where it's going to get good. So like, we need to start like even diving in harder and just getting like old alcoholic borderline racist mechanics to be our president. And just leave them at Twitter and let them take care of that. Right? Then we need to split the vice presidency and start getting the most whacked out, far out vice presidents.

• 29:11Matt McCusker?

  That's not bad.

• 29:12Speaker 00

  So if like we were to get like nine 11'd again by whoever did it.

• 29:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  We have this old drunk mechanic who can take care of business. It's like if your dad's like real tough, but like. You want him in the.

• 29:22Matt McCusker?

  Talk about a goon.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  We need like a goon president, right?

• 29:25Matt McCusker?

  He's got his finger on the turn it into a parking lot button.

• 29:29Speaker 00

  If everything's fucked, we gotta go get dad. But getting dad's your last resort.

• 29:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  We need to start getting a vice president who's like.

• 29:39Matt McCusker?

  Ask your mother.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  Burning man, like in some weird queer poly relationship.

• 29:44Matt McCusker?

  You want an evil hippie vice president?

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Not want someone so whacked out. He has no idea what's going on. But when you hit him with like a nuanced problem, he's like, oh yeah, I thought about this last night. We need like these chambers here and everyone's.

• 29:57Matt McCusker?

  I was just screaming about this in front of a school.

• 30:00Speaker 00

  Like you sit him down, you're like, bro, what are we gonna do? He's like, oh, obviously we need, and he comes up with a hole out of them. Cause he's not touched into anything.

• 30:07Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  So he's a pure mind of just like chaotic psychedelic visions. And when you go to him with like an, if you go to the.

• 30:14Matt McCusker?

  He's outside the box.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Like if you're like, yo, we got a lot of potholes. He's not your man.

• 30:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  This would be like potholes. Uh, he has no idea how to.

• 30:21Matt McCusker?

  The whole street was pothole. Then they're not a problem.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  When we go get the old drunk where we're like, dude, hop off Twitter for a second. He's like, I was just about to send this meme about the difference between like. Boys and girls. It's like, pop, pop, slow down. We need you to level the ground real quick. Like it rained really hard in New Orleans and we don't know what to do.

• 30:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  He's like, oh, you just gotta get this like machine and clear all this shit up.

• 30:45Matt McCusker?

  Romaging through like a hardware.

• 30:50Matt McCusker?

  I fucking told him it was coming.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, we just, we let him cut loose on Twitter all the time. So if you go on Twitter, the president's obviously putting.

• 30:57Matt McCusker?

  Bays and racist memes.

• 31:00Matt McCusker?

  It's like classic blondes and FBI

• 31:01Speaker 00

  We all just kind of put up with them as a globe.

• 31:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  You're like, yeah, the president's old.

• 31:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:06Speaker 00

  Dude, when shit hits the fan, this guy fixed my roof in like thirty five seconds. Then the vice pres, you don't use them for that kind of stuff.

• 31:14Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  So you're like, yo, we just got hit by two planes. You're like, yeah, let's not even tell him.

• 31:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he'll go cry.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  He's tripping. Don't mention it. He's gonna fuck up his game.

• 31:22Matt McCusker?

  I don't know why we don't have, I've thought about this, just having like completely split ticket. Whoever's the president, you gotta throw him the opposing party vice.

• 31:30Speaker 00

  That's, that's what I'm saying. Get it to its duel.

• 31:32Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Maybe it doesn't need to be that extreme.

• 31:34Matt McCusker?

  They're just like pitchy with each other at all time. Like the whole, every press conference are just like making faces at each other.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying.

• 31:41Matt McCusker?

  And then it's their turn to talk and they go, whatever that was. That's what I'm saying.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  Such good television.

• 31:47Matt McCusker?

  That's all that matters. And then we have, if, we'll probably get a dem president next. You throw him with like a hard line reply. Any during his speech, you just watch it cut to the Republican vice president goes.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  Yay.

• 31:58Matt McCusker?

  Yay.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. Like mumble and shit.

• 32:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I heard my fucking wife say the same thing the other day.

• 32:07Speaker 00

  He's taking unflattering pictures.

• 32:09Matt McCusker?

  From like behind him at the podium.

• 32:11Speaker 00

  He's like. If, if we split those two offices, I think we could start making headway.

• 32:16Matt McCusker?

  I think we could.

• 32:17Speaker 00

  Cause then we could blame the vice, we could blame the pres.

• 32:19Matt McCusker?

  Perfect.

• 32:20Speaker 00

  Rather than, right now, we always end up with like an extreme version in the presidency.

• 32:25Matt McCusker?

  Well, have we even figured out who we can credit good and bad things to? Cause I still have never got a clear line. Every time a bad thing happens, it's like, well, yeah, obviously the last president fucked me.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, but if it was two of them, like no, it was the vice president. Like he was in a K-hole and that was his idea.

• 32:40Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 32:41Speaker 00

  Just be like, boom, send them off.

• 32:44Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 32:45Speaker 00

  You'd have like Eric Trump next time and then like.

• 32:48Matt McCusker?

  I'm wondering, do you think the Trump family will become a political dynasty?

• 32:51Speaker 00

  I don't think so.

• 32:52Matt McCusker?

  You think they'll fade out?

• 32:53Speaker 00

  His, I don't want to put smut on the office, but his, his sons are subhuman.

• 32:57Matt McCusker?

  What? You're serious?

• 32:58Speaker 00

  None of them are, dude. None of them are.

• 33:00Matt McCusker?

  Baron, Baron's six foot eight.

• 33:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, but none of them have like good like.

• 33:05Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you said they're not hot enough.

• 33:06Speaker 00

  They're not hot enough, dude.

• 33:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 33:09Speaker 00

  Strictly from a looks, looks, looks, maxing perspective.

• 33:12Matt McCusker?

  For sure. What if they were to get upgrades?

• 33:14Speaker 00

  I think it's.

• 33:15Matt McCusker?

  I mean, what if you're talking about like, are you familiar?

• 33:16Speaker 00

  Baron might be.

• 33:16Matt McCusker?

  Baron's got a shot.

• 33:17Speaker 00

  Baron's got a shot. The other two, they're.

• 33:20Matt McCusker?

  Baron has like an ice cold calculator president.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:23Matt McCusker?

  No nonsense.

• 33:24Speaker 00

  He's got a jawline.

• 33:24Matt McCusker?

  Never trust that.

• 33:25Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying. Baron's got a jawline.

• 33:27Matt McCusker?

  I can't trust a man who doesn't have king face. Are you familiar?

• 33:29Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying.

• 33:30Matt McCusker?

  Are you familiar with king face?

• 33:31Speaker 00

  I think, I don't want to say anything bad about our president, but his sons are lacking the structure. They got a little bit of munch face.

• 33:37Matt McCusker?

  You're thinking that you're saying in terms of skeletal hierarchy.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying. That's what we eventually lead to. So.

• 33:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  They all have a little bit of munch.

• 33:44Matt McCusker?

  Newsom then, I, then I would.

• 33:46Speaker 00

  They all kind of have like the.

• 33:47Matt McCusker?

  Newsom, from a looks, maxing, looks, maxing perspective, I would say Newsom is a contender.

• 33:51Speaker 00

  Probably the odds on favorite.

• 33:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Was.

• 33:53Matt McCusker?

  And looks, maxing, I would say Newsom.

• 33:55Speaker 00

  I would, yeah, if we had to pick based on that, but.

• 33:58Matt McCusker?

  He's, Newsom's the most handsome. I think I can pause on myself, but like, Newsom, I would say is the most handsome contender. Ah, there's some of those DSA guys. I'm personally not, you know.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  Attracted to Islamic men.

• 34:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Just what it is. Yeah.

• 34:13Matt McCusker?

  It's not, I have nothing against him, but I can see how people.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  You can see how handsome Anami is.

• 34:17Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  You can envision a, a Hassan Piker presidency is what you're saying.

• 34:21Matt McCusker?

  I could use a little more. I could use a little wider chin on him as well.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:25Matt McCusker?

  But he, I like his gravelly voice. I think it's kind of.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Like Eric Trump's what, like six, four?

• 34:33Matt McCusker?

  Is Eric Trump six, four?

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Six, two. He's gotta be up there. He's a tall man.

• 34:36Matt McCusker?

  Is he really?

• 34:36Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 34:37Matt McCusker?

  Eric, can we get a height on Eric Trump?

• 34:39Speaker 00

  We need to get this now.

• 34:40Matt McCusker?

  Cause Trump is, yes, Trump's what, six, three?

• 34:42Speaker 00

  He claims six, three.

• 34:43Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  Wait, what? Six, five.

• 34:46Matt McCusker?

  Eric Trump's six, five?

• 34:48Speaker 00

  He's a big boy, dude.

• 34:48Matt McCusker?

  I can't even speak on.

• 34:49Speaker 00

  All those dudes are big.

• 34:50Matt McCusker?

  I'm subhuman. I'm fucking five, ten.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:52Matt McCusker?

  I can't speak on Eric Trump. A guy six, five.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  Hunter's up there. Hunter's gotta be like.

• 34:56Matt McCusker?

  He was pretty tall.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  Eight soft.

• 35:01Matt McCusker?

  That's a different hierarchy.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  I don't know how you didn't bring that up when you interviewed him, man. If I interviewed someone whose penis I saw.

• 35:06Matt McCusker?

  I didn't see it. I didn't see any of his naked stuff.

• 35:10Speaker 00

  How?

• 35:11Matt McCusker?

  I, I covered it like that.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  Hunter was stacked.

• 35:15Matt McCusker?

  I heard. I heard.

• 35:17Speaker 00

  It was impressive.

• 35:18Matt McCusker?

  I heard people bring it up.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  It was, it was the only thing I took away from all.

• 35:22Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Cause I didn't look at the laptop, cause that's his business.

• 35:24Matt McCusker?

  Laptop from hell. True.

• 35:27Speaker 00

  Cause I saw that and was like, this isn't for me. I don't need this complex.

• 35:31Matt McCusker?

  True. I, I just, I did feel weird being like, I don't want to go through. I'm, I'm again, I'm a, after reading.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  You're a privacy man.

• 35:37Matt McCusker?

  After reading the Russian classics, I mean, dude, reading another man's letter was shameful. If you caught a dude's letter on the table, if you flipped it, it was so tempting. Cause you would like come into someone guy's office and he might be like passed out.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  It always ends poorly.

• 35:49Matt McCusker?

  You could just flip his letter over and be like, oh, what the fuck? But it was like very gentlemanly not to be like.

• 35:54Speaker 00

  Yeah. You don't want to read another man's stuff.

• 35:56Matt McCusker?

  Never.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  I tapped down on the laptop once I saw the hog. I'm trying to design.

• 36:01Matt McCusker?

  That's kind of enough said.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  I'm trying to design an AI porn filter where it filters out any penis that's bigger than yours.

• 36:07Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 36:07Speaker 00

  So every time you top a vid, you're like.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  It's kind of like the Texas porn technology, but it just, you, you upload a pic and everything's a little smaller than yours.

• 36:17Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I've thought about this. I've thought about this so many times and I guarantee it's been done. I have not pulled the trigger on this and I don't think I ever will. How many dudes do you think have taken a picture of their boner, sent it to Grock, be like, yo, total honesty, where do I stand in the global hierarchy?

• 36:33Speaker 00

  Grock will get soft on you. It'll be like, it's great.

• 36:35Matt McCusker?

  Not if you ask for total honesty.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Really?

• 36:37Matt McCusker?

  Oh dude.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  Try it when you go home.

• 36:38Matt McCusker?

  I'm not.

• 36:39Speaker 00

  Post your results.

• 36:39Matt McCusker?

  I refuse, dude, I.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  I refuse to take a picture of my own penis.

• 36:42Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 36:43Speaker 00

  I've just never done it. I'm too old.

• 36:45Matt McCusker?

  I don't, I've never, yeah, I've never got into the, the dick picture game.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  I've never even come close to it.

• 36:50Matt McCusker?

  And we're kind of, I think we're.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  I've never once.

• 36:51Matt McCusker?

  I think we're dry snitching ourselves for not having impressive hogs.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  I'm dude, I'm comfortable with my body. I'm forty four years old. This is why I've grieved.

• 36:57Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  But like, I've gone through all the steps.

• 36:59Matt McCusker?

  You've grieved your corpse.

• 37:00Speaker 00

  But my problem is dude, back when I was like seventeen, eighteen, I thought I had a third leg.

• 37:07Matt McCusker?

  Same.

• 37:07Speaker 00

  Like I was pulling that shit out and being like. Fucking huge. Cause the only thing I could compare to. The only thing I could compare it to was my own dick pre puberty.

• 37:16Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  So I'm like, yo, this thing was like a fucking baby goldfish. Now look at it. I thought I was splitting.

• 37:24Matt McCusker?

  I, I for real, I just thought I play sports. I'm kind of cool. It naturally follows. I have like a massive.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  This thing is.

• 37:32Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I used to like put my leg up on, sorry. I used to put my leg up on shit.

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude.

• 37:36Matt McCusker?

  And during sex.

• 37:37Speaker 00

  It was hammer time.

• 37:38Matt McCusker?

  I used to Captain Morgan out being like, yo.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  I remember the first.

• 37:41Matt McCusker?

  Just let me know. Just let me know if it's too much.

• 37:43Speaker 00

  The first time I put a condom.

• 37:46Matt McCusker?

  Just tap, just tap me if it's too much.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, just tap my stomach if it doesn't fit, babe.

• 37:50Matt McCusker?

  That was my final Santa Claus. I for real was like.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  That is the final Santa Claus.

• 37:55Matt McCusker?

  I'm Gucci. I thought I was for real blessed.

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Packed out here, man. And you're dealing with someone who's probably only seen your penis for the first like year. And they're just like, dude, that's huge. And the first time I ever put a condom on, I'm like, I'm glad this fits.

• 38:08Matt McCusker?

  I can't even, ice.

• 38:11Matt McCusker?

  I remember, I mean, they're leaving that extra roll, obviously, but that's just like, keep it all in. I remember putting a condom and be like, I don't think I can even breathe in this. Fucked up.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  Like damn, I'm filling this. I thought they were supposed to be like shopping bags. And I'm like, this thing is fucking packed.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  And then it's slowly, it's the porn that slowly you're like.

• 38:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  Well, that's a crazy, that's a fucking freak video.

• 38:32Matt McCusker?

  Freak.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  It's a freak too. What the fuck are these guys? And then like suddenly you're like, I've never.

• 38:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, medical oddities.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  But if I could filter.

• 38:39Matt McCusker?

  Suddenly you can't even get off unless you see one.

• 38:44Speaker 00

  That's the bottom of porn when you're like, not big enough. They're like, oh, fuck.

• 38:49Matt McCusker?

  Come with size queen.

• 38:51Speaker 00

  Viewing size queen.

• 38:52Matt McCusker?

  If you're gonna start snapping pics of it, don't do it hard. Cause that's not the real.

• 38:56Speaker 00

  That's your tell.

• 38:57Matt McCusker?

  That's not the real measure either. The only.

• 39:00Speaker 00

  Wait, what? Soft is your measure?

• 39:01Matt McCusker?

  Not even soft. Soft and stretched is how they measure your penis.

• 39:05Speaker 00

  Wait, hold up. Wait, how, who's they, women?

• 39:07Matt McCusker?

  Like, have you fed to Grock? No, I, I haven't, I haven't submitted myself yet. But they, they.

• 39:15Matt McCusker?

  They said it in the article about the guy with the world's smallest penis. The, the only clinical measurement.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  Wait, so you just like.

• 39:22Matt McCusker?

  Soft and stretched.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  Flop it around a little?

• 39:24Matt McCusker?

  Now you grab the end of it and you yank it as hard as you can, and then you mark it down.

• 39:28Speaker 00

  For real?

• 39:28Matt McCusker?

  That's cheating.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  That's, who wrote the article?

• 39:33Speaker 00

  He's like, that's not how we should be measuring.

• 39:36Matt McCusker?

  Stretch is great. I mean, cause my shit's stretched.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  That's like tippy toeing. That's like going to get measured and tippy toeing.

• 39:42Matt McCusker?

  No, tippy toeing is when there's guys that read that there's penis behind the balls and under it.

• 39:47Speaker 00

  Which is true.

• 39:48Matt McCusker?

  That is true, but.

• 39:49Speaker 00

  There are guys that have wrote that.

• 39:50Matt McCusker?

  That's dark penis. That doesn't count.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  Half your penis inside your body.

• 39:54Matt McCusker?

  That's, that's what's, but that's, that's the penis powering the penis. That's the mind.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  Cereal network. That's what girls really feel, what's inside.

• 40:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, okay. Dude, I, I want to get that shit out of me so bad.

• 40:07Speaker 00

  What, the dark penis?

• 40:09Matt McCusker?

  There's a ligament, there's a surgery.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  I know.

• 40:10Matt McCusker?

  Get where they caught the ligament and sort of like extent.

• 40:13Speaker 00

  I know.

• 40:15Matt McCusker?

  I've seen a cartoon rendering of the thing.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  You can get a hem plant.

• 40:19Matt McCusker?

  Hem plant?

• 40:19Speaker 00

  Hem plant, yeah.

• 40:20Matt McCusker?

  What, what are you talking about?

• 40:21Speaker 00

  It's just like they slight, they like stretch you, slice you, and they put like a rod in there that keeps you fucking maxed. I think like ninety eight percent of people die that guy.

• 40:31Matt McCusker?

  Die heroes.

• 40:32Speaker 00

  You'd have to be so hurt to be like, I'm gonna slice this thing open and put something in it.

• 40:37Matt McCusker?

  I mean.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  I can't even handle a ball trimmer getting near my balls.

• 40:40Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Like I can go around it, but I always end up with like a long.

• 40:43Matt McCusker?

  You ever cut your balls? You ever cut your balls? They don't stop bleeding, dude.

• 40:48Matt McCusker?

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• 40:49Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:50Matt McCusker?

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• 40:51Speaker 02

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• 40:52Matt McCusker?

  A pity than Nutrafool.

• 40:53Speaker 02

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• 41:10Matt McCusker?

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• 41:19Speaker 02

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• 41:42Matt McCusker?

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• 41:44Speaker 02

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• 41:45Matt McCusker?

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• 42:02Matt McCusker?

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• 42:21Speaker 02

  Incredible.

• 42:22Matt McCusker?

  Guys, I have some shows coming up. These are, boy, these are big ones. Guys, please, October 23rd, I think that's next weekend, Atlanta, Georgia. I'll be at the Atlanta Symphony Hall. Then the next night, I'll be in Chattanooga, Tennessee, October 24th, in Atlanta, Georgia. That's the 23rd. There's gonna be a big little Florida run, sixth, seventh, and eighth. Sixth, I'll be in Fort Lauderdale, then Tampa, then Orlando, Florida. That's, hey, man, that's three days in a row. That's, I'm rocking. And then, guys, please, for the love of God, Newark, New Jersey. This is just really killing me. November 20th, that's, that's 2800 Cedar. That's really hanging over my head. Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, San Diego, and Ball Sacramento. Please come. MattMcCusker.com. You ever cut your balls?

• 43:07Speaker 00

  I've never cut my balls.

• 43:08Matt McCusker?

  My balls.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  Like self harm?

• 43:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:12Matt McCusker?

  It just makes me relax.

• 43:13Speaker 00

  Trigger warning, SW.

• 43:15Matt McCusker?

  I remember I was like trying to do, and I had the buzzer.

• 43:17Speaker 00

  Bicking your balls?

• 43:18Matt McCusker?

  No, I took the, like, a while back, I took the, like.

• 43:21Speaker 02

  Took the guard off the trimmers.

• 43:22Matt McCusker?

  Took the guard off the trimmers.

• 43:23Speaker 00

  And went after it?

• 43:24Matt McCusker?

  And it bites you. Yeah, it did. It bit me. Fucking dude, it bleeds. Your ball skin bleeds. It doesn't stop.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  I've never drawn.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  Pull a toilet paper square on it.

• 43:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:34Matt McCusker?

  Slather it up.

• 43:34Speaker 00

  How close are you going?

• 43:36Matt McCusker?

  I was trying to go. I mean, this was just something my partner wanted. It was like some baby play.

• 43:40Speaker 02

  Swimming a lot of the time.

• 43:43Speaker 00

  It was age play?

• 43:47Matt McCusker?

  But no, I was, yeah, I remember I got into like, it was like college. I remember I had a weird phase where I was trying to like bick out, probably for size, honestly.

• 43:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's a max.

• 43:55Matt McCusker?

  I was maxing.

• 43:56Speaker 00

  I've never, that's what I'm saying. Like, I'll, I'll get the trimmer down, and the closer I get to my balls, it's like a reverse magnum. I'm like, no, no, no.

• 44:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you go away.

• 44:03Speaker 00

  So I'm saying to go and get it sliced open and get a rod dropped in and then closed, and then you're just like, huge.

• 44:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm more into injectables personally. Botox, you can put Botox, and you'll get a nice flaccid size.

• 44:14Speaker 00

  This guy would chill move.

• 44:15Matt McCusker?

  It's not bad.

• 44:16Speaker 00

  Probably what Newsom's doing. I think that might be Newsom's secret crutch.

• 44:20Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 44:20Speaker 00

  I think he might.

• 44:21Matt McCusker?

  Penile Botox?

• 44:22Speaker 00

  I think he might be.

• 44:23Matt McCusker?

  You think he's packing?

• 44:24Speaker 00

  He's shriveled.

• 44:26Matt McCusker?

  Think he shriveled?

• 44:26Speaker 00

  I'm watching his mannerisms. I'm studying. I'm reading him.

• 44:31Matt McCusker?

  That's fair. We should know that about the president.

• 44:33Speaker 00

  We should drop him pants.

• 44:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 44:37Matt McCusker?

  It's not a bad.

• 44:37Speaker 02

  You should be able to download a fully accurate 3D model of the nude. Just spin it around like a Fortnite skin.

• 44:45Speaker 00

  A nude debate would be fire.

• 44:46Matt McCusker?

  A nude debate would be.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  You know, you had to stand up. It's like, what's up? It's just two men like.

• 44:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but they're gonna cycle out and get all that shit put in. Those are the guys.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  Protest.

• 44:56Matt McCusker?

  They were getting, oh, yeah, true.

• 44:58Speaker 00

  If you flick it, like, yeah, it's a implant.

• 45:03Matt McCusker?

  He sliced the tendon. He's taking his dark penis out.

• 45:05Speaker 00

  His dark, that's dark penis.

• 45:10Matt McCusker?

  You have fact checkers. That's actually 30% dark penis.

• 45:12Speaker 00

  Stuff I think about.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  His sacks bleeding.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  This is shit I think about when I smoke cigarettes in the morning. So I'm literally dying to come up with that idea. I'm like, dude, he's actually good for my brain. Then I'm like, we should have a weird hippie vice president and a racist president. And I'm like, put it out. My lungs kind of hurt. I'm like, that was worth it.

• 45:29Matt McCusker?

  Sick. I like your theory about nicotine. We, missing the smoke break is, there's something fucked up about that.

• 45:36Speaker 00

  It's fundamentally what's wrong with our society.

• 45:37Matt McCusker?

  I think so.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Native Americans used to think that tobacco was a gift from our ancestors, and it would grow, and our job was to pick it and then smoke it and send the smoke.

• 45:45Matt McCusker?

  Send it back to them.

• 45:46Speaker 00

  So I think there's another part of that where like, they're like, come on, bro, get up here. Get up here. It's fucking lit.

• 45:51Matt McCusker?

  It's dry as shit up here, dude.

• 45:53Speaker 00

  It's dry. You should ever smoke that fucking plant and get up here when you're like 60.

• 45:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 45:57Speaker 00

  I think the other thing that cutting cigs out's fucking up is it's keeping the boomers alive too long.

• 46:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 46:03Speaker 00

  They're supposed to be spreading it out, but they're like 80, being like, I gotta go see my financial advisor. It's like, give it up.

• 46:08Matt McCusker?

  I read an article, the average net worth of the boomer right now, what do you think it is?

• 46:13Speaker 00

  Like 80 million?

• 46:14Matt McCusker?

  1.5 mil.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:15Matt McCusker?

  Average.

• 46:16Speaker 00

  This is like, you were a manager at Circuit City, and you retire with a pension. You're worth 1.5 mil.

• 46:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  What's the average millennial?

• 46:24Matt McCusker?

  Negative.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  I didn't even see it.

• 46:25Matt McCusker?

  It's negative.

• 46:26Speaker 02

  Not even reporting it.

• 46:27Matt McCusker?

  The average of millennials.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  Two pieces.

• 46:30Matt McCusker?

  It's what?

• 46:33Matt McCusker?

  Unfortunately. Yeah, it's, it's, they gotta spread the sauce for sure.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  But I'm saying that.

• 46:37Matt McCusker?

  I hate to sound like a dirty commie, but.

• 46:38Speaker 00

  The cigs used to take care of it.

• 46:40Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  It kept everyone balanced.

• 46:42Matt McCusker?

  Cigs and the booze.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  Now they're gonna live longer. They're gonna spend more in post-retirement. There's not gonna be enough left to give down to their children.

• 46:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're gonna Brian Johnson out. They're gonna spend like 4 million a year.

• 46:51Speaker 00

  You should get Brian Johnson on the pod.

• 46:53Matt McCusker?

  Tried.

• 46:53Speaker 00

  What, he said no?

• 46:54Matt McCusker?

  Uh, what happened? Yeah, I tried.

• 46:57Speaker 00

  He got that autoimmune. I think he's been.

• 46:58Matt McCusker?

  He's fucked. Yeah. Well, a lot of people are fucking calling for his demise.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  That's what happens. You go online and say, I want to live forever. The first comment's like, die.

• 47:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. Especially the state. I got a tiny sample size of American health yesterday, and I was like, I'd be pissed. If I was in the emergency room going, ahhhh! And there's a guy, I'd be like, I think I lived on 300 and dunked a basketball at 70.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  I drank too much of my son's cum trying to live forever. I need to see a doctor right now.

• 47:24Speaker 00

  Brian Johnson kind of fell off, though.

• 47:26Matt McCusker?

  He's getting right, bro. He's working.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  But is he still trying to live forever? Or is he just trying to beat an auto?

• 47:30Matt McCusker?

  He's trying to dunk a basketball right now. So right now, well, here's the.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  That's absolutely insane.

• 47:34Matt McCusker?

  He's trying to dunk.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  I think I could beat him at basketball.

• 47:37Matt McCusker?

  That's a good challenge.

• 47:38Speaker 00

  Just by looks alone.

• 47:40Matt McCusker?

  I could whip his ass in basketball. I'm sure about that.

• 47:42Speaker 00

  I can't play basketball. I think I could beat Brian Johnson.

• 47:44Matt McCusker?

  You think you would just rough him up a little?

• 47:46Speaker 00

  I think I could outlive him, too.

• 47:47Matt McCusker?

  You probably, you might.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  I might. If the two of us sat down or like.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  He's calling a lot of fouls, just so you know.

• 47:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 47:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, he probably one of those like, playing strictly by the book.

• 47:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I played the other night. That's why, thank God I got these fucking chair pants on.

• 48:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, your legs, you gotta give your legs a rest.

• 48:02Matt McCusker?

  I played, did I play, there was a guy who was 60, must have been 65, 70 years old, out hooping. I was like, dude, it was, it was wild. He could only do one-handed shots, so he would get the ball and just go, and he was fucking swishing them on.

• 48:14Speaker 00

  Or his other arm.

• 48:15Matt McCusker?

  He just wouldn't, for some reason, he would do.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  He parrot, like, stroke?

• 48:18Matt McCusker?

  No, he was just old as fuck. Probably had fucked up shoulders. So he would just get the ball and just be like, just wing it and swish.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  He beat you? Sure wasn't just stunting on you?

• 48:27Matt McCusker?

  No, he would, dude.

• 48:27Speaker 00

  Like, be like, I beat you with one arm?

• 48:29Matt McCusker?

  It was kind of fucked up, because like, loose balls. I was, I was rebounding hard. We lost, though. We lost with two games, but.

• 48:34Speaker 00

  Not that it matters, was he a white man?

• 48:36Matt McCusker?

  He's a white man. He was a white man. No, it's a good question. But he was, I, we were like, banging bodies a little bit, and I'd be like, ow, bro, I'm so sorry, because I'd go for the rebound. It got close. It was game point. I like, hit him one time, like, my bad, brother.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  Let me know if it's too much.

• 48:51Speaker 00

  He tapped your stomach.

• 48:55Matt McCusker?

  But it was one of the, it was kind of like, oh shit. It was like, yeah, sometimes I'd be like, I just take that, man. I don't want to, I don't want to bang any of that. That'd be terrible. If I like.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  Was it 101?

• 49:02Matt McCusker?

  No, it was two. That'd be sick. It was me and him 101.

• 49:04Speaker 00

  Where do you go play ball with random strangers?

• 49:06Matt McCusker?

  My court. Right. I go right up the chute.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, you can go up there.

• 49:08Matt McCusker?

  I went there to shoot around. There was some two on two, and there's another guy. We hit some three on three. It was, I'm still fucked up. I was walking yesterday, like.

• 49:15Speaker 00

  It'll take it out of you.

• 49:16Matt McCusker?

  Fucking, it's concrete courts. I'm dying.

• 49:19Speaker 00

  Can you dunk?

• 49:20Matt McCusker?

  Huh?

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Wait, when did Brian Johnson switch to, I want to dunk a basketball?

• 49:24Matt McCusker?

  It was part of his regimen. But it was just like, he's all about, he's, he claims, this is gonna piss you off. He claims to be hard, have the most nocturnal erections.

• 49:32Speaker 00

  I saw that chart. He hooked up like a boner thing. He also claims that his girlfriend has the top 0.01% of vagina flora or something. He like posted his chicks like slob.

• 49:44Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 49:44Speaker 02

  He's also squishing her. You see that? He got in the girlfriend squishing.

• 49:48Matt McCusker?

  When he like lays on her?

• 49:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I heard that. It's like.

• 49:51Speaker 00

  Wait, what?

• 49:51Matt McCusker?

  If you lay on her for like, it like releases oxytocin and blah, blah, blah. Also, did you ever get in the world of like 30 minutes of eye contact with your wife before bed? There's like.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  I've tried to get my wife to do it. She won't do it.

• 50:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  She won't look me in the eyes. It's like way too much regret.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  She can't do it. One's like, look me in the eyes and she's like, no.

• 50:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Well, it's doing for 30 minutes. You guys will both feel awesome if you did it.

• 50:14Speaker 00

  So you stare in each other's eyes.

• 50:16Matt McCusker?

  30 minutes for a bed.

• 50:17Speaker 00

  In silence.

• 50:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:18Speaker 00

  I'm gonna try to do this.

• 50:19Matt McCusker?

  Apparently they say you get flooded with oxytocin and like.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  She won't do it.

• 50:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, my bad.

• 50:23Speaker 00

  I can't get her to do anything after like 7:30.

• 50:27Speaker 00

  I'm like, yo, I, you ever like tell your wife like some like heavy shit and then she'll just be like, when is uh, when does that one bill come out for Geico? And you're like.

• 50:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, all the time.

• 50:36Speaker 00

  I'll be like, I'll be like, dude, I just figured this out. I'm like, I've like been doing this forever and like this. And I think like, but the kid should do that. And she'll be like, when does Geico come out? The 15th? I'm like.

• 50:45Matt McCusker?

  You're like, I'm kind of revealing something right now.

• 50:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I think.

• 50:48Matt McCusker?

  I don't want to go over the Google calendar. Yeah.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  It's just her fans, like her ripcord to get out of.

• 50:53Matt McCusker?

  I've, I've bratted out in that situation.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  I don't want to look at options on Amazon for anything right now. That's okay.

• 50:58Matt McCusker?

  I've been like, okay, so you're not even listening to what I, and then it's just like, I'm, no, no, tell me. I want to hear now. I'm like, no, no, not telling.

• 51:03Speaker 00

  I just take it as like.

• 51:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you just go.

• 51:05Speaker 03

  That's bait though, by the way. As soon as she's like, I'm not even gonna tell you. You're like, yes, but you're like, mm.

• 51:09Matt McCusker?

  I'm saying me, I'll be like, no, I'm, I'm flipping the script where I'll be like, I was actually telling you something. It's like, okay, sorry about that. What were you telling me? And I'm like, no.

• 51:18Speaker 03

  No, we're not, are your wife maxing?

• 51:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:21Speaker 00

  Does not work, dude. I tried that for the first like three years of my marriage to like act like she does to show her how bad it is.

• 51:26Matt McCusker?

  It doesn't work.

• 51:27Speaker 00

  Does not work.

• 51:27Matt McCusker?

  You cannot do it.

• 51:28Speaker 00

  Where I'd be like, can you just put this somewhere? Like, I'm so sick of looking at this. And she'll be like, what are you doing? Like, I'm showing you like what you did. She's like, fuck off. And you're just like, damn, I thought that was like a master plan. If I show you how bad it is, would you bother me about where I left?

• 51:45Matt McCusker?

  I tried, dude, I'm reading, uh, I'm reading Anna Karina by Tolstoy right now. He talks about it.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  It's age old.

• 51:52Matt McCusker?

  It's age old. He's the guy, there's this one character, Levin, who like, he's trying to get married to this chick, this young chick, Kitty. And he like proposes, he gets bested by his rival, Vronsky, a military man. And eventually the Vronsky's just a young playboy. He's just shatters, you know, poor Kitty's heart. And eventually, I don't want to, no spoilers, but they, they can join Levin and Kitty. Levin's a humble farmer. They finally can join and he's like so blissful. And then he goes through like the first three months of marriage and like the shit she's doing to him. And he's just kind of like, I can't comprehend why she puts the importance on the matter she puts on it. It's mind boggling. But I tried to be kind and dude, it's so.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  It's like an age old problem.

• 52:28Matt McCusker?

  And this is like a, like a gentleman. This is like a Russian gentleman, smartest dude ever. And apparently that book, Anna Karina, is the most autobiographical of Tolstoy's works. He really kind of was vulnerable and was like, this is like.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Did he stay married to her?

• 52:42Matt McCusker?

  I'm not done in the book yet.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  Oh damn, he probably did. Back then, he didn't like get divorced like.

• 52:46Matt McCusker?

  Not if you're Anna Karina.

• 52:48Speaker 00

  Wait, is Anna Karina his babe?

• 52:50Matt McCusker?

  Anna Karina, Anna Karina is the, the lady the book's named after. She was, she's not a faithful wife, dude. There's a hard cucking.

• 52:57Speaker 00

  He's a cuckold.

• 52:58Matt McCusker?

  The, the husband's a cuckold. Husband's a cuckold to a young military brash.

• 53:03Speaker 00

  So he's like, it's.

• 53:04Matt McCusker?

  Does he participate in the cuckoldry or like she just? I don't want to spoil, I don't want to spoil.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Is he an enthusiast?

• 53:09Matt McCusker?

  Well, the guy, he's a.

• 53:10Speaker 00

  Wait, wait, I don't want to give it away, but does the old Chad boyfriend come back and show him a thing or two?

• 53:16Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. Well, the, no, the Chad's a young man. The old guy's like an elderly statesman who has a hot wife. Not, not, not like hot wife, but he has a hot young wife. Well, technically he did have.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  Hotwifing and cuckoldry aren't exactly.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  They're not the same, dude.

• 53:29Matt McCusker?

  But he has.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  It's a world.

• 53:31Matt McCusker?

  He has his young.

• 53:31Speaker 03

  Tolstoy knew this.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  That's why he wrote the book. So I'm not a cuckold, I'm a hot wife.

• 53:37Matt McCusker?

  No, but back, back then, apparently in like high society, it was like cool to have affairs, like guys for sure.

• 53:44Speaker 00

  Still is.

• 53:45Matt McCusker?

  You keep like, guys, you keep a ballerina and you like, it start, the book starts with this one character getting caught cheating on his wife. Anna Karina comes in on, in like a coach and he calls, he calls Anna like, please make my wife not be bad at me. Just have.

• 54:00Speaker 00

  Wait, so he's getting cucked and he calls Anna Karina to say, I gotta sit to read the books. There's so many characters.

• 54:05Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the Russian, that's welcome to the Russian masters. There's two, the books are really live, a lot of characters. But the book starts with this guy. He's, everyone works in the, they're all like high ups at work in the government that have like absolutely nothing, meaningless jobs. So he's just like, this guy's out and he like fucks like the French maid in his house and his wife finds out. And the dude is like, he, he's like a good humored guy. So when his wife finds out that he cheated, he just like unconsciously smiles. He goes, and smiles at her. And she's like, you, she gets really mad at the fact that he smiles during that time. And he's like, and they're all grappling with like scientific thoughts. So he goes, that was an unconscious reflex, no doubt. There's no, nothing I could have done about.

• 54:42Speaker 00

  When he finds out his wife cheated?

• 54:44Matt McCusker?

  No, he cheated on his wife. His wife finds out.

• 54:46Speaker 00

  And he smiles at her.

• 54:47Matt McCusker?

  He smiles and she confronts him with the evidence of it. He was writing her like horny letters.

• 54:51Speaker 00

  Ooh.

• 54:52Matt McCusker?

  She's never read a gentleman's letter, but she confronts him with his horny letters and he goes, ha, ha, capital or whatever. And uh, so that starts with.

• 55:00Speaker 00

  Sick move too.

• 55:01Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 55:01Speaker 00

  It's a good move.

• 55:02Matt McCusker?

  It is a sick move.

• 55:03Speaker 03

  I always laughed when I got in trouble. I might be a Russian master.

• 55:05Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 55:05Speaker 00

  I'm a huge.

• 55:06Matt McCusker?

  It starts with a guy getting caught cheating and it's like brushed off, kind of like, hey, text Anna, like come chill my wife out. Please sister, I beg you.

• 55:14Speaker 00

  Come chill out my cuck queen.

• 55:15Matt McCusker?

  And I'll basically like level out my cuck queen. Please let this chick know that this is cool, what I'm doing. And so she comes, talks his wife off a ledge and on the way to do that, she meets the young military upstart, Vronsky. I mean, total gentleman.

• 55:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:29Matt McCusker?

  But you know, there's things to be desired about him, but he meets Anna, falls in love with her and he cucks her husband. And it sets off a chain reactions.

• 55:38Speaker 00

  As it does.

• 55:39Matt McCusker?

  Exact, yo, it's, they really do a good job spelling that out, but they, they produce a bastard daughter or what do you call that? A bitchling, I believe. So they produce, but this guy is like a high level politician. He's getting cucked. So every, every, he's like trying to introduce bills and all the other guys are like, kind of like laughing at him like.

• 55:57Speaker 00

  So he got phase two cucked.

• 55:59Matt McCusker?

  He got like.

• 55:59Speaker 00

  Pregnancy.

• 56:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Jesus.

• 56:01Matt McCusker?

  He got truly cuckolded and his, and Anna starts to almost die in the childbirth.

• 56:06Speaker 03

  True cucks know that the sneering is actually part of it though.

• 56:09Matt McCusker?

  Being denigrated like that by your peers.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  True.

• 56:13Matt McCusker?

  Ooh, I'm lower than a worm, that kind of stuff.

• 56:16Speaker 03

  True, but the other.

• 56:18Speaker 00

  True cucks.

• 56:19Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 56:19Speaker 00

  True cucks.

• 56:20Matt McCusker?

  Well, it does, the, the cuckoldry sets off a spiritual like awakening in this elder statesman. He called, cause then when his wife's almost dying in childbirth, the lover's there, the young lover's there who was supposedly forbidden from the house, but he went anyway. He's a very passionate guy. He couldn't handle it. So he's covering his face as a woman's laying dying and the cuckolded husband pulls his hands away from his face and says, you must look. And the guys, and the guy is so upset that he like gets like, is he, in his head, he's like, damn, the husband's fucking poning me. I thought he was the cuck.

• 56:48Speaker 03

  Now you're a fucking death cuck.

• 56:50Matt McCusker?

  The husband's, the husband's death cucked.

• 56:52Speaker 03

  Death is your bull.

• 56:55Matt McCusker?

  Sit in that fucking chair and watch her die.

• 56:59Speaker 00

  Ultimate bull.

• 57:00Matt McCusker?

  Dude, yes. The Russian masters are, I'm telling you, they're the best.

• 57:04Speaker 00

  There's nothing more powerful than death.

• 57:06Speaker 03

  I'm a dead wife guy. I'm into dead wifing.

• 57:11Matt McCusker?

  He totally dead wifed. Yeah. You think that shit's cool? Pulls his hands apart and he kind of like melts.

• 57:17Speaker 03

  She has a skull tattoo and a naces.

• 57:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's.

• 57:24Speaker 00

  Wild.

• 57:25Matt McCusker?

  I was reading it in the hospital last night.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  Damn, it's so nice that your wife hasn't got a hospital. You're like, well, I've got six hours of literature to read, so not my problem.

• 57:33Matt McCusker?

  Bring the Russian masters. I'm leaving the, the nurses come in. I fucking leave the cover down. I'm like, it's Tolstoy.

• 57:39Matt McCusker?

  A lot of people are, a lot of people are, you know, war and peace.

• 57:42Speaker 03

  Did you periodically check up to see if anyone noticed you reading it?

• 57:44Matt McCusker?

  Every time. Every time I would lay, every time I would lay it down, I'd go slide it forward and be like, dominus, if you need me, I'm here. Just to read in some of the Russian class. Tolstoy, Dostoevsky's novel's a lot more alive and frenetic, but Tolstoy is just a lot, it leaves a lot off the page. It's really kind of the impression.

• 58:00Speaker 00

  Like, sir, your wife, your wife's dead. You're like, oh, fuck.

• 58:04Matt McCusker?

  And I go like this.

• 58:08Speaker 03

  Reading it at the funeral.

• 58:10Speaker 00

  As it would unfold.

• 58:14Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  Death comes to us all.

• 58:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's dude, I love reading just like gentlemen of old talk to each other. It's so fucking funny.

• 58:24Speaker 00

  You can glean a lot from it.

• 58:25Matt McCusker?

  I do, I do. Sayings, if ever someone gets angry, you just go, Jupiter, you're angry, therefore you are wrong. I don't know what that means, but that's fucking.

• 58:33Speaker 03

  The original you mad.

• 58:35Speaker 00

  It's you mad for sure. Deal with it.

• 58:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you big mad.

• 58:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's a, that book is sick, dude. Those, those Russian books are unbelievable.

• 58:47Speaker 00

  I don't know when I'm gonna read down here, because I used to read in the winter. Maybe the dead of summer?

• 58:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that is, just before bedtime. Every night before I go to bed, I, I kiss my wife. Every gentleman is supposed to, the kid, you're supposed to go to your study. You go to the study. The fact that we're not hitting the study before bed.

• 59:02Speaker 03

  I study every single night.

• 59:03Matt McCusker?

  You had to sell, okay.

• 59:04Speaker 03

  It's got a gaming chair in it.

• 59:07Speaker 03

  It's got a secret labs, Titan Evo XL, not bragging, it's just what's in my study. And Dead Souls, isn't that a video game?

• 59:12Matt McCusker?

  Dark Souls. Dark Souls. I'm thinking of Dead Souls. It's Gogol. It's like the precursor to Dostoevsky.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  I lost my study moving down here.

• 59:21Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 59:22Speaker 00

  We were in like a shoebox. So it's like every corner, there's like, storage.

• 59:26Matt McCusker?

  Okay, dude.

• 59:27Speaker 03

  I'm gonna go read and smoke cigs in the car.

• 59:29Matt McCusker?

  You need to just wipe out your living room, put a giant writing desk in there.

• 59:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 59:34Matt McCusker?

  With just candles.

• 59:35Speaker 00

  It's not a bad idea.

• 59:36Matt McCusker?

  Big ol'.

• 59:37Speaker 00

  In time.

• 59:38Matt McCusker?

  What is it? What is it, frivolous woman?

• 59:40Speaker 00

  Papa.

• 59:42Matt McCusker?

  What is it, frivolous woman?

• 59:44Speaker 00

  Just separate it with a curtain, take half of the half of the space. Here we are.

• 59:49Matt McCusker?

  Also very Russian.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  It's true.

• 59:50Matt McCusker?

  Back in the day, you would even have a room, you'd have a corner. So you would live in like, there'd be like a, just a efficiency and you're, it wouldn't be your room, you would just have one corner that'd be like your setup over there. And everyone, you're like, kids would be like there, and you'd be like, fuck you guys doing over there?

• 1:00:03Speaker 00

  It's not bad. It might be a good setup.

• 1:00:05Matt McCusker?

  Corners are nice.

• 1:00:06Speaker 00

  I'll bring this up when I go home. I'll show our chat GPT of my new setup, and then it's the only way she'll comprehend. I'll be like, look, I chat GPT'd my study in the room. She's like, oh, that makes sense.

• 1:00:16Matt McCusker?

  AI, please, we have to. That's the one. Everyone's, I'm not worried about it killing us at all. I'm worried about my wife having all that information at her hands.

• 1:00:21Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Or just like the ultimate, no, you're wrong. Look, I looked it up.

• 1:00:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I have.

• 1:00:26Speaker 00

  I pay thirty bucks a month and it knows everything you don't know. And you can't argue with it.

• 1:00:29Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you know what actually fucked me up to think about? So Crohn's disease is on the rise. And if you have Crohn's, you're like thirty percent more likely to have an episode of incontinence, where you shit your pants. So my thinking is, if Crohn's is on the rise, and as you get older, your, your chances of shitting yourself go up, but with that multiplier of Crohn's disease rising, we're gonna have way more elderly incontinence. So we're, we're gonna get to an age where we're like, probably like jacked off of like testosterone and fucking, you know, peptides and shit. Like with, with fucking like AI customized, just like tapped into the mega mind, but while like shitting ourselves.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  Jesus.

• 1:01:06Matt McCusker?

  We'll be like Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, all the top hits, combine them. Oh, it's beautiful. And it's like.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  And you're like pissing your pants.

• 1:01:13Matt McCusker?

  Pissing and shitting yourself, our stomach's gonna be fucked up.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  But you're in like peak physical condition.

• 1:01:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, your shell's gonna be nice. Your shell's gonna be nice, but we'll have allergies to every food group. So we'll just be like, please, combine, what, what does it synthesize the works of them with?

• 1:01:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, but everyone's gonna be like a private Tony Stark with Jarvis. And it's gonna be like, Jarvis, make me a still suit that takes the diarrhea that comes out of me and repurposes it. You're gonna be wearing like a lush garden suit that's gonna be fertilized by the diarrhea that the suit scoops directly out of your cheeks. While you listen to fucking classical music and watch a movie that's being made for you on the spot.

• 1:01:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:48Speaker 03

  Based on your interests that day.

• 1:01:49Speaker 00

  Dumping out the whole time.

• 1:01:50Matt McCusker?

  You'll pause the movie and be like, uh, uh, the protagonist is kind of watered down. Can we add a little bit of that?

• 1:01:55Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:01:58Matt McCusker?

  That's the one thing we won't be able to.

• 1:01:59Speaker 03

  Jarvis, make his penis slightly smaller than mine.

• 1:02:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was trying to get hard numbers on it, and I, I was.

• 1:02:09Speaker 00

  Oh, what, the Crohn's disease?

• 1:02:10Matt McCusker?

  On the Crohn's.

• 1:02:10Speaker 03

  Do mechanical colon.

• 1:02:12Matt McCusker?

  The what?

• 1:02:12Speaker 03

  Mechanical colon.

• 1:02:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be nice.

• 1:02:14Speaker 03

  Take it off my plate. I don't ever want to have to think about pooping again.

• 1:02:17Matt McCusker?

  Also, yeah, dude, you should have it.

• 1:02:19Speaker 03

  Give me a carbon fiber butt that stores the stools. I don't even wanna feel it when I shit anymore.

• 1:02:24Matt McCusker?

  I'd like a sewer cap, kinda. That's on your butt. You're like shitting, you're going about your day, you're like, shitting, and it's just stopping at the cat, and then like every three days, you just unscrew it. Falls out, you screw it back up, just go about your day.

• 1:02:36Speaker 03

  There's gonna be a second pump at the gas station. You just turn around and back into the Tesla charger.

• 1:02:42Matt McCusker?

  Smokes all your shit.

• 1:02:44Speaker 00

  Take your plug out.

• 1:02:47Speaker 00

  Future's bright.

• 1:02:48Matt McCusker?

  Huh?

• 1:02:49Speaker 00

  Future's, it's looking bright.

• 1:02:50Matt McCusker?

  I think it'll rock. I think everyone's.

• 1:02:52Speaker 00

  You can take, taking dumps off the table. It saves so much time.

• 1:02:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but then it's like, that's, something's gonna happen. Like it's the same thing.

• 1:02:58Speaker 03

  Self-shitting ass.

• 1:03:02Matt McCusker?

  But if you, I, I think if you remove the, just like whatever's going on, those like, like the biological mechanism of like, like shitting, it's gonna affect our per, if we stop shitting, our personalities, we're gonna get so.

• 1:03:13Speaker 03

  Bro, we're getting rid of sleep, we're getting rid of shitting.

• 1:03:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:16Speaker 03

  It's gonna be just cum. We're not probably gonna eat anymore.

• 1:03:19Matt McCusker?

  We probably won't jack, jack, like actual expelling fluids is probably like, yo, bro.

• 1:03:24Speaker 00

  Like mechanical masturbation.

• 1:03:26Speaker 03

  Yeah. Your neural link's gonna know what signals to send to your brain to make it feel like you're coming. You're gonna crank that to ten and leave it on all day. It's gonna, there's gonna be like a warning, you're gonna have to click okay on a warning that says like, only use this like once or twice a day, like probably right before you go to work, and then right before you go to bed, obviously. And you're gonna just jam at the ten and break the handle off and just never stop feeling it.

• 1:03:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  Just shitting all over yourself and cuming everywhere you go.

• 1:03:49Speaker 00

  Dude, I'm praying to God Eugene Levy's watching this.

• 1:03:54Speaker 00

  He's like, he's talking about auto shitting and cuming, like, I can't find anything to latch on to for views.

• 1:04:01Matt McCusker?

  I forgot where we were.

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  Believe in.

• 1:04:03Matt McCusker?

  I disappeared their takes on being hooked up to fuck machines twenty-four seven.

• 1:04:09Matt McCusker?

  Scoop with a scoop on it. Someone from TMZ has had to watch every word of this thing. They're gonna address it at some point. I mean, how, that'd be nice to have a fuck machine scoop. So it just reaches up and it's like, and it's just pulling shit out of your tummy.

• 1:04:21Speaker 00

  You sit out the podcast and they just talk about auto cuming and cuckoldry and Russian masters coming everywhere and shit and cum. It's crazy you can't offend anyone by talking about how you wanna auto poop into machines. But it is the most offensive thing you can talk about.

• 1:04:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:38Speaker 00

  I wish I didn't have to poop anymore and that machines pulled cum out of me.

• 1:04:42Matt McCusker?

  I mean, people probably looked at toilets.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  That's offensive to humanity.

• 1:04:44Matt McCusker?

  People are looking at toilets with the same, the same horror.

• 1:04:47Speaker 00

  The same horror.

• 1:04:48Matt McCusker?

  Being like, I should go shit in your house.

• 1:04:50Speaker 03

  We can eliminate the bathroom from the house. Now you've got an extra, what, twenty square feet?

• 1:04:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and it, and it jacks the budget up, because like bathrooms are expensive as fuck.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  That's the biggest, it's the worst project you'll have besides the kitchen in the entire house.

• 1:05:01Matt McCusker?

  Kitchens are done, dude. Feed tube.

• 1:05:05Speaker 03

  There's gonna be two tubes coming out of a wall in your efficiency. There's gonna be a top tube that you suck the goo out of, and then there's gonna be a bottom tube that sucks the goo out of you. And you just stand in front of it nude with an erection, or soft and stretched.

• 1:05:17Speaker 00

  Alone, dude. You look at your watch like, oh, I have to come. Oh, I have to eat. Oh, I have to poop.

• 1:05:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, a thing in the back of your head's gonna buzz and it's gonna go, time to stand by the tubes.

• 1:05:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and then you're gonna.

• 1:05:30Matt McCusker?

  Pause that. You're gonna step in front of the TV and just like watch the news and be like, motherfucker, son of a, fucking son of a bitch, fuck, dog.

• 1:05:38Speaker 00

  It's the alarm, like get mad at.

• 1:05:39Matt McCusker?

  Jarvis, upload my thoughts. Jarvis, now.

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  Here's your pre-ramp, but we already wrote it for you.

• 1:05:48Matt McCusker?

  My, you know what offends me? When I see reactions online, I go, reactions is the basis form of thought. I wouldn't even say thought, nay. I would say, I would say, nay, I would say it's but a precursor. Reacting is like reptilian. Frogs can react. As a human, as a man.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  Reaction videos offend you?

• 1:06:05Matt McCusker?

  I don't react, I meditate. That's what all humans should do. If you're reacting really quick to a thing.

• 1:06:09Speaker 00

  It's absolute base behavior.

• 1:06:11Matt McCusker?

  Like a news story? I would never sink myself to such a vile depth.

• 1:06:17Speaker 03

  I, and then to go so far as to broadcast your reaction.

• 1:06:21Matt McCusker?

  Dude, seriously.

• 1:06:21Speaker 03

  That's its own little death.

• 1:06:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it's for real.

• 1:06:24Speaker 03

  Toy Story talks about, Toy Story talks about that, or whoever. There's a lot of, reading a lot of Toy Story.

• 1:06:29Matt McCusker?

  As a gentleman, I mean, look, there's, there are, you know, there's fortunes to be made to glean the surface of thought, but.

• 1:06:36Speaker 00

  It's definitely.

• 1:06:36Matt McCusker?

  I require, it's a thin atmosphere in which I cannot even breathe. I, I require, you know, truth, earnestness.

• 1:06:43Speaker 03

  Energy source.

• 1:06:44Matt McCusker?

  Truth, earnestness.

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Presence.

• 1:06:46Matt McCusker?

  Passion, presence. That's like the elements that make up the air we breathe. For me personally, I can't.

• 1:06:50Speaker 03

  Video games.

• 1:06:53Matt McCusker?

  Star Wars movies.

• 1:06:56Matt McCusker?

  Well, dudes, we did it, man. Let's, uh, let's slide in the motherfucking.

• 1:06:59Speaker 00

  I got pissed.

• 1:07:00Speaker 03

  Thank you for having me.

• 1:07:01Matt McCusker?

  Thank you, guys. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.

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