Ep 640 - Metasexuality (feat. Dylan Sullivan & SWIM)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Dylan on IG @dylanraysull https://www.instagram.com/dylanraysull/?hl=en Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ YO! What's gudddd witchu? We got SWIM and the D. A. W. G. Dylan Sullivan (aka Sully) in the MattCave for you this week. Everyone wish the Big Kahuna good luck - he's in NYC for SNL this weekend :) Support Sully. Hail SWIM. Have a great rest of your week. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Espolon Tequila: 100% Agave. 0% Ego Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:02Matt McCusker?

  Oh, my God. Sorry that, well, you guys don't notice, but the broadcast was delayed. La Mer. This place is what, like, six hundred, five hundred square feet? La Mer shit in the bathroom and it stunk up the entire five hundred square feet of my office apartment.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  On a whole nother level of stink.

• 0:17Matt McCusker?

  Dude, fruit, you got a fruity booty, bro. It's got that, like, fruit smell. It's like a fruit smell, bro.

• 0:25Speaker 02

  You have fruity booty, but duty.

• 0:28Matt McCusker?

  It sucked the whole, and I was like, all right, it's just a bathroom. I go into my off, my office stinks. And I'm like, oh, now the fucking.

• 0:34Speaker 02

  That thing was.

• 0:34Matt McCusker?

  My lobby studio stinks.

• 0:37Speaker 02

  Thing was stinking.

• 0:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you know, I gotta, you know, it's kinda sus, bro. Did it stank in that fruitily? I mean, it's one thing. If it's a savory stank, that's alpha. That's a fruity stank.

• 0:51Speaker 03

  I ate bananas and strawberries.

• 0:52Matt McCusker?

  Is that what you've been doing?

• 0:53Speaker 03

  Bananas, strawberries and watermelon.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  I thought it was lube.

• 0:58Speaker 02

  That makes sense, so banana strawberry.

• 1:00Matt McCusker?

  You thought it was scented lube?

• 1:01Speaker 02

  I didn't want to say anything.

• 1:04Matt McCusker?

  It was flavored.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  I thought it was flavored lube.

• 1:07Matt McCusker?

  They have sour apple.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  I don't want to put that on them, though. Not that I think there's anything wrong with that.

• 1:11Matt McCusker?

  True, true, true, true.

• 1:13Speaker 04

  It's, it's super angering because you know, like, eight percent of it smells good.

• 1:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you are chasing those notes.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  It gets best. It gets past your first defense mechanism. You're like, damn, I kinda, oh, fuck, that's shit.

• 1:28Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's human waste. It's the ghost of human waste haunting my whole fucking, my, you know, it's a sacred space for me. It's where I get all my work done. But I'm, we did announce, that's the one thing, fair warning, it's like, you can't be mad. Someone gives fair warning. It's like, all right, so.

• 1:43Speaker 02

  Now it smells like, what is it, Palo Santo?

• 1:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's a little, that's my little, my smudgey guy. I put the Palo Santo and the smudge in the candle, and then the candle burns it up.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  It kinda got rid of the energy.

• 1:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that kinda completely.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Cleared the energy in the room.

• 1:56Matt McCusker?

  Got rid of.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  And was strong, too.

• 1:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Dude, I, yesterday, yes, I was actually chastised a little bit. I was, I had posted just a thing I thought was cool. I was curious, like, you know, hard science, what percentage of women could actually best me in physical combat in the world?

• 2:14Speaker 02

  What was it?

• 2:15Matt McCusker?

  Like, point zero zero zero one percent.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 2:18Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty, and again, I take no pleasure in this information, but it is kinda cool to know four billion people in the world off the rip that I can, don't have to worry about in terms of physical combat.

• 2:28Speaker 02

  Right.

• 2:28Matt McCusker?

  That's four billion. Then you have children. It's all them.

• 2:34Matt McCusker?

  I'll be till, like, fifteen. I only have to think about any kid.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  You might be one of the strongest people in the world.

• 2:38Matt McCusker?

  I literally, that's what I'm trying to say. Out of eight billion people, I can beat up six bill, and then you throw on the elderly. I can beat up probably six and a half billion people. Nope, I'm at, I'm a forty year old man. I'm at the height of my powers. So I can beat up a, dude, six billion people in this world. I could just completely fucking decimate.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  What's the stats on, like, twenty four year old dudes you could beat up?

• 2:58Matt McCusker?

  Hundred? I, I, yeah, obviously.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  I go a hundred.

• 3:01Matt McCusker?

  Hundred, a hundred, twenty four year old dudes, hundred percent.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Even the ones with muscles I see, I'm like, try something.

• 3:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, try it.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  You have no idea what I have in.

• 3:07Matt McCusker?

  Also, that you're, they're, they're not as ready to die. That's where they.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  That's what I'm saying. I have no idea.

• 3:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's like, you can't even be, even if you beat me to a bloody pulp, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, like, rip one of your testicles off. I'm gonna mar, I'm gonna scar you like a demon from the underworld.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  It's like, I'm gonna come at you with all my aggression, all my anger that you're twenty four and get to do twenty years on top of me, so I would easily kill.

• 3:26Matt McCusker?

  A little bit of gay rage.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  A little bit, eh, fuck you.

• 3:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I would just fight dirtier and dirtier as I'm going.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  I don't, they don't have it in you to kill.

• 3:35Matt McCusker?

  They don't.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  They haven't had that thing yet. They're still like.

• 3:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  They don't really know pain.

• 3:40Matt McCusker?

  No, they don't.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  Not real pain.

• 3:42Matt McCusker?

  No, the, the, the road is still far, far out ahead of them. You've, at a certain point, you glimpse the abyss, you go, yeah, I can see my end. And it fills you with the bitterest of rage, and you just wish a twenty four year old would step to you.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  You wish they would try something.

• 3:55Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude, I fucking can't wait. I still can't wait for my daughters getting boyfriends.

• 4:00Speaker 02

  I, dude, I long.

• 4:02Matt McCusker?

  So ready to die in a college apartment, just fucking fighting an eighteen year old.

• 4:06Speaker 02

  What's your move when they bring one home? Like, cool dude, or like?

• 4:10Matt McCusker?

  I, I might, I might, like, cool dude him, really let his guard down, and then probably ultimately betray him, yeah, for sure.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  I always took you as one of those dudes that, like, your, like, fourteen year old daughter comes in with, like, a seventeen year old. She's like, Dad, we're gonna watch movies in the basement. You're like, oh, oh, okay, I'll be up here.

• 4:27Speaker 02

  You remember those dads?

• 4:28Matt McCusker?

  I do.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  I remember going home from, like, after proms and, like, being like, hey, and some dude's, like, eating on the couch, and you're like, and like, your date would be like, oh, me and Tom are gonna watch a movie in the basement. And he's like, oh, oh, okay. Even looking back, I'm like, bro, fight me or something.

• 4:41Matt McCusker?

  Stop me.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  I'm about to ejaculate in your finished basement. You spent a hundred grand on it, and I'm gonna come in it. Like, looking back, I'm like, if that was, I don't know, I haven't been through this situation, but looking back, like, if my daughter walked in with some dude in, like, a shitty tie and, like, a corsage on it, and she was like, we're gonna go watch, like, Zootopia two downstairs, I'd be like, no, you're not. You're gonna sit right next to me.

• 5:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  And we're gonna watch a movie I pick.

• 5:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we're all hanging out together.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  Or you can split, but like, it's not what we're doing.

• 5:08Matt McCusker?

  You have to know, no one's more demented about cracking one off than a dude coming back from a formal dance.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  You've been grinding for, like, six hours?

• 5:17Matt McCusker?

  One of my proms, I was sick and I didn't get to crack one off. I cried. I real cried. I, like, cried and whimpered in front of my date.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  I never understood that. Like, how those dudes are just like, yeah, go down my basement of my house that I work so hard for with my daughter.

• 5:31Speaker 04

  Well, they're outside of the six point five billion.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Six five billion what?

• 5:36Speaker 04

  Men that Matt can beat up.

• 5:39Matt McCusker?

  We said they're, they're part of the, they're part of the unfortunate herd.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're, yeah, it's correct. Yeah.

• 5:46Matt McCusker?

  Purely subs. That's, I don't even get into that.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  Get into it, dude.

• 5:51Matt McCusker?

  That's, that's a deep level of sub.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Sub out to your daughter's boyfriend?

• 5:57Speaker 02

  Like, some seventeen year old who just got his license. You're like, oh, I don't want to start this shit with this guy.

• 6:02Matt McCusker?

  You just go belly up on a teenager? Go ahead, buddy.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  I just never understood. I'm like, dude, how did you not kick me out of your fucking house?

• 6:09Matt McCusker?

  Or just be like, there's, stay up here, guys.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  Really, how about, you know, how about you don't?

• 6:12Matt McCusker?

  Dude, finished basements are, you're pretty much setting up a fucking, like.

• 6:17Speaker 02

  It's like you have a loud ass door, a staircase, and then, like, a wraparound couch in the basement that you're allowed to put the lights on because the movie's on.

• 6:24Matt McCusker?

  I mean, it's just enough time to get your dick back in your pants. It's like, literally the for, the point of them.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would like, how about you go home now?

• 6:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 6:31Speaker 02

  The dance is over, now you're, time for you to go home.

• 6:33Matt McCusker?

  It's too late for a movie.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Don't have to work in the morning, sir.

• 6:35Matt McCusker?

  Let's just all talk.

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, let's hang out.

• 6:38Matt McCusker?

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• 6:42Speaker 05

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• 6:48Matt McCusker?

  The core shorts work for pretty much anything. Gym, errands, hanging around the house, whatever.

• 6:53Speaker 05

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• 6:59Matt McCusker?

  Everything is comfortable but looks good at the same time. It just works.

• 7:02Speaker 05

  It just works. Get twenty percent off your first purchase at Viori dot com slash MSSP and discover the versatility of Viori clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  I go back and forth, but I'm also like, I think it's weird when, like, parents will have, like, their twenty two year old daughter come to the beach house and, like, not let her sleep in a room with her boyfriend. That I'd kinda be like, yeah, you guys just go get your room.

• 7:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  Like, if they're in college and shit, I understand that a little more.

• 7:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, also.

• 7:32Speaker 02

  If you started cracking, I'd have the door open.

• 7:34Matt McCusker?

  If it's cracking, like, you know, you gotta get out.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  Get the fuck out of my house.

• 7:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I mean, also, too, he's gonna sneak down anyway.

• 7:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, if you separate, it's gonna be so much spicy.

• 7:43Matt McCusker?

  I've done the split thing before, and it's like, you get a little Romeo and Juliet action. You have to, like, slip through the corridors.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  And there's none hotter. So I would probably just be like, yo, bro, you can sleep in there, but don't be cracking in my beach. Out of respect. Because if a dad said that to me, I would be like.

• 7:59Matt McCusker?

  Crack, I would.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  I wouldn't be able to, like, I wouldn't feel that spicy.

• 8:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  But I was like, I talked to your dad, like, man to man, and we, like, smoked a cigar, and he asked me not to crack down here, so like,

• 8:11Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna do it, damn.

• 8:12Matt McCusker?

  My dad, your dad petitioned for mutual masturbation? That's it?

• 8:17Speaker 02

  Did you ever have a dad get tough with you?

• 8:19Matt McCusker?

  Uh, not really. To be, uh, one, one time, I came in, and it was, this is purely my bad. I had got my hands on, my plug had gotten some Orange Crush.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:31Matt McCusker?

  Really nice nugs, and I had gotten blaze on Orange Crush at a Slazianan basketball game. And my date came back super fucking blaze, and her dad instantly was like, you're high. And I was like, ugh. He's like, what the fuck were you guys? And he just spazzed, and I was just like, beast.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  Damn.

• 8:45Matt McCusker?

  I dipped out. So he was like, he was rising up, and I was just like, I'm hitting the Ford Explorer. I'm out of here.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  And you just split and left her stoned with her dad?

• 8:52Matt McCusker?

  It's her house. I finished my job. I dropped her off. I didn't, like, leave her in the middle of the street. I left her, I, like, took a little bit of the brunt. I was like, sir, I really apologize.

• 9:01Speaker 02

  Was he tough?

• 9:02Matt McCusker?

  He was just pissed. He was just like, bro, what the fuck?

• 9:04Speaker 02

  Was he four twenty friendly or, like, completely against?

• 9:07Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I thought he was kinda four twenty friendly. So I, I, that was my bad.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  You should've shown him the nub.

• 9:14Matt McCusker?

  She probably knows Orange Crush.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:16Matt McCusker?

  I would have shot her in the nub. I probably thought it was some weak ass B C bullshit.

• 9:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, dude, crack and nub.

• 9:20Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Like, yo, not bad.

• 9:23Matt McCusker?

  I mean, dude, it was unheard. It was like for real. The first time I had like, it really smelled like La Mer's booty that we were smelling. It was fruity. It was a fruity ass.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  It's got terpenes in there.

• 9:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was Orange Crush. It had orange hairs and I was just, I was geeked on an Orange Crush blunt and a hot box of Ford Explorer. And I didn't realize how high we were until I saw her dad and I was like, oh, her dad's in slow motion. Okay. And he was just like, ah, and I was like, ah, fuck, we fucked up, babe.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  I only had one dad. I remember I took a girl to a dance and I had like, we like went outside and I had this old car I'd borrowed off dad. And he was like, yo, pop the hood. Let me see what's under it. And then when we popped the hood on the other side, he was like, I will literally fucking kill you if you fuck with my daughter.

• 10:06Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  I was just like, okay. I closed the hood and I was like, let's go to the dance. But I was like.

• 10:12Matt McCusker?

  Did that work on you?

• 10:13Speaker 02

  100%.

• 10:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  He was dead because he was like, hey, man, what's a nice car? Pop the hood, bud. He's like, what's got under the engine? And I was like, I don't know. I didn't know.

• 10:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  So he had me on that, too.

• 10:20Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  I was like, uh, so the six 50 uh, horsepower. He's like, yeah, pop the hood, kid. And he popped it. It was just like, bro, I don't know what your deal is. I don't know if you guys are just friends. You're just going to dance. But if you fuck with my daughter, I'll kill you.

• 10:32Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  I was like, okay, bro.

• 10:34Matt McCusker?

  I think that's a fair, that's a fair one.

• 10:35Speaker 02

  It was fair. And he closed the hood and was like, that thing's nice. Tom, come on back in. Like, the wife and daughter were right there. And I was just like, Jesus Christ.

• 10:44Speaker 04

  You gotta eat a dinner now?

• 10:45Speaker 02

  And we had to like go to a dance. I was just like, yeah, you're cool. Like, quit grinding on me, babe.

• 10:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  I'm not trying to catching heat off your dad when we go.

• 10:52Matt McCusker?

  No, that's, that would have been.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  But then I stopped kind of hanging out with her, too.

• 10:57Matt McCusker?

  See, that's kind of tough.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  He kind of lost because I mean, it could have been a thing.

• 11:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  So it's a, it's a.

• 11:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he kind of fucked up.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  I was also like so bitched about it that like, if I had been a true bad dude, I probably would have stepped on the gas. And I got her pregnant. Been like, fuck your dad.

• 11:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what are you gonna do? True.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  No, it's a delicate balance.

• 11:17Matt McCusker?

  I never really, I never really bumped heads. I never really bumped heads with dads very much. Uh, I would, every now and again, I would get like roasted. They'd be like, oh, okay, but like, you know, that shit. But no, sometimes too, I, I really, good amount of time was in like pure mom houses. And I remember loving mom house energy.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  What, you'd fuck with chicks with just moms?

• 11:40Matt McCusker?

  Couple of times.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  That's kind of.

• 11:41Matt McCusker?

  I remember just being like, this is nice. That big, strong, terrifying guy's out of the equation. This is decent.

• 11:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:48Matt McCusker?

  That guy sucks. Nothing best. I was a big man of the house head.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  So you would slide in and become like

• 11:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  the new daddy?

• 11:56Matt McCusker?

  I kind of was daddy. I would come in.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  It's kind of sick.

• 11:58Matt McCusker?

  I was a big man of the house head. I'd be very much like, oh, yeah.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  It's like multi-level kink.

• 12:03Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I didn't even know.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  It's like you're dating a woman, then you're also like kinking the whole web.

• 12:09Matt McCusker?

  I didn't know what I was even doing. It was just, it was instinctual.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  Damn.

• 12:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I just, you know, just lust for domination.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  What about you, dude?

• 12:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, how about you?

• 12:18Speaker 02

  No, man.

• 12:19Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, you didn't sleep, dude. That's crazy. Dylan didn't sleep all night. Dylan Sullivan, welcome to the motherfucking podcast.

• 12:24Speaker 04

  Have we started the podcast?

• 12:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we've been talking.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Sorry, we've already just caught you up. Me and Matt have to catch up on like high school romance.

• 12:31Speaker 04

  No.

• 12:33Speaker 04

  I feel like I learned a lot about you guys' dynamic in the past seven minutes. I was like, wow, that's wild.

• 12:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, I was, uh, we were at the mothership last night. I was, I was gonna ask you too. I need you, uh, I need you to tone it down out there. The laughter was coming through the wall and I was like, try some new shit, dude. You don't have to, you don't gotta do your trying to true.

• 12:52Speaker 04

  I didn't know if you wanted it, you know?

• 12:54Matt McCusker?

  Nah, I'm kidding around.

• 12:55Speaker 04

  You're mad or not.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  Did you kill it last night?

• 12:57Matt McCusker?

  He killed it, bro.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  They were super fun. Great audience, man.

• 13:00Speaker 02

  Yes or no? Don't be humble.

• 13:02Matt McCusker?

  Did you kill it? He always slays. He slays.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  I gotta, I've never been there.

• 13:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's fucking awesome, dude.

• 13:08Speaker 02

  I haven't gone.

• 13:09Matt McCusker?

  On principle?

• 13:09Speaker 04

  Fat man.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  On principle.

• 13:12Matt McCusker?

  The security's too tight for me. Security's too tight.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Security's too tight. It's just like. And me and Rogan are still kind of at odds.

• 13:18Matt McCusker?

  You guys are beefing.

• 13:22Matt McCusker?

  You're mad he didn't get the shot?

• 13:24Speaker 02

  What's that?

• 13:24Matt McCusker?

  You're still mad he didn't get the shot?

• 13:26Speaker 02

  I'm on Neil Young's side.

• 13:29Matt McCusker?

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• 14:12Matt McCusker?

  requiring the K, no, not here. But it was, I forget where it was, but it was requiring the KN95 or whatever.

• 14:18Speaker 04

  It's like Boston somewhere.

• 14:19Matt McCusker?

  It was. It was in Boston.

• 14:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:21Matt McCusker?

  And they.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Was it like a theme thing?

• 14:23Matt McCusker?

  Hmm?

• 14:24Speaker 02

  It was like a theme bar?

• 14:25Matt McCusker?

  Well, lesbian, yeah.

• 14:28Speaker 02

  They were doing it like this rules?

• 14:29Matt McCusker?

  No, it was just like they never, no one could ever stop it. Cause like, the, it was these three ladies who were pretty young. They were like 25, 26. They somehow got the money to start a bar in Boston.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  And they just never dropped the mask mandate?

• 14:40Matt McCusker?

  No, they never, and they couldn't. The, the two partners, they all started, the three of them started, they put like pretty much all their money into it, or at least the one lady did. Her two partners dipped and were like, yeah, we don't want to do this anymore. So this young, like 25 or six year old lady is stuck running and funding a lesbian bar that's very, struggling very hard.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  Was she a lesbian?

• 14:58Matt McCusker?

  That's unclear.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  That'd be wild to invest in a lesbian bar and the lesbians drop out and then you have to run a lesbian bar as a non lesbian. I could do it. I fuck with lesbians heavily on like a friendly dynamic level.

• 15:10Matt McCusker?

  You do, actually.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  I actually learned the other night picking up a lamp on Facebook Marketplace that the Austin lesbian scene is beat. I don't know. I picked up a lamp, right?

• 15:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  And, uh, we just got, as we do, like down here, everyone chats. I've been on nothing but Facebook Marketplace missions all week because I just moved here.

• 15:26Matt McCusker?

  Sure.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  So I'm like, hey, you know, nice lamp. And she's like, all right, bro, you know? She kept saying period. She's like, period.

• 15:34Speaker 02

  I guess that's like young kids slang.

• 15:36Matt McCusker?

  It's like emphasizing the point.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then.

• 15:37Matt McCusker?

  What was she perioding you on?

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Uh, what was she? Oh, that's a nice lamp.

• 15:43Matt McCusker?

  Period.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  What?

• 15:44Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Or no, I was like, it'll fit in this little car. And she's like, oh, I can't remember. She said it like three times.

• 15:48Speaker 04

  Just so you know, if you fuck my daughter, I'll kill you.

• 15:54Speaker 02

  So she was like, we got to talking. I was like, I just moved here from Philly. And she's like, oh, fuck yeah, I'm about to move to New York. I'm like, why the fuck would you be moving to New York? She's like, cause I'm a lesbian. I was like, you give me a lesbian in Austin? She's like, yeah, but the scene's fucking beat, yo. She's like, gay men scene is popping. Lesbian scene's dead. And I was just like, yo, that's good to know.

• 16:13Matt McCusker?

  That's good to know.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  Just in case I invite any of the homies down, I'm like, I don't want to like have expectations.

• 16:21Matt McCusker?

  The squad, dude, the squad is all masked bosses. That'd be nice.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  It's just beat. There's just no action.

• 16:26Matt McCusker?

  I never thought about that.

• 16:27Speaker 02

  I'd never, like, once, I never, in my research of moving down here, I never checked out the lesbian scene.

• 16:31Matt McCusker?

  It's nice to know the gay scene's popping here.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  She said the gay scene's popping.

• 16:34Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:36Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy. They don't really have.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  Almost to the point where it's like too much for the lesbians. Cause it's like.

• 16:40Matt McCusker?

  And the lesbians have always been jealous of the gays.

• 16:43Speaker 02

  That's an inner dynamic.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  And no one wants to talk about it.

• 16:48Matt McCusker?

  They're jealous of the boys.

• 16:50Speaker 02

  From what I've heard, from speaking to some members of the community, lesbians got a pass earlier than gay men. I just, I don't know. I wasn't there.

• 17:01Matt McCusker?

  Sure.

• 17:01Speaker 02

  But like, they weren't as, um, cause like you were accepted as a lesbian by the male community. Cause like, if you were like out working on your bike and like your lesbian neighbor showed up, was like, nice bike, you were down.

• 17:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. And if you kissed in public, everyone would cheer.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  Well, I think gay dudes had a much longer road.

• 17:18Matt McCusker?

  True, true.

• 17:20Speaker 02

  They had a much muddier trail to track. So it was kind of like, they had some resentment towards lesbians where.

• 17:27Matt McCusker?

  That makes sense.

• 17:28Speaker 02

  It was misdirected.

• 17:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. You think it's misdirected?

• 17:31Speaker 02

  I mean, it wasn't the gay dudes stopping them from being lesbians.

• 17:35Matt McCusker?

  Wait, what?

• 17:36Speaker 02

  They got mad or.

• 17:37Matt McCusker?

  Who got mad at who first?

• 17:38Speaker 02

  I'm getting, I'm getting homos sexually confused.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  The lesbians were catching flack from the gay men because they had had it easy.

• 17:47Matt McCusker?

  Also.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  Almost like a lesbian privilege thing.

• 17:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, okay, that's fair.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  So.

• 17:52Matt McCusker?

  Also, I do appreciate gay men's ruthlessness towards women.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:56Matt McCusker?

  That's something I kind of actually enjoy. Like, there's no, there's, the chivalry is, there's no chivalry. It's purely like, here's what I, we did a show one time in a gay bar in Philly and these, there was girl comedians and these gay guys were ruthlessly, ruthlessly fucking just hounding them. Like, you're boring. You're boring, sweetie. And I was just like, oh, I was in the back like, yo.

• 18:20Speaker 02

  I think that personally just is the side effect of not wanting to have sex with them.

• 18:28Speaker 02

  You'd be like, fuck off.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  You're like, shut up.

• 18:32Matt McCusker?

  True, to break from their spell would be.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  But like, I like if I like yesterday, another Facebook Marketplace mission, I was met with like two stunning Cuban women. And I was just like, mind blown.

• 18:44Speaker 04

  Also lesbians?

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Not lesbians, very hetero. But um, I don't even know where I was going with that. I just saw.

• 18:53Speaker 02

  It was kind of funny, there's my whole family in the truck because we had to go pick it up with the pickup. And like, they came out and Dana was just like, looked at me. It's like two like fitfluencer Cuban women speaking Spanish.

• 19:04Matt McCusker?

  I'll get out.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  She's like, are you just gonna go up there and get the table out of their apartment? And I was like, yes.

• 19:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's what we'll do.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  Then on the way, I fully decided, I'm like, I've been married 10 years, but this, what's gonna happen is gonna happen right now. And we got in the apartment. I was like, wait, this is a one track.

• 19:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  Porn mind. Like, none of this is happening at the time. Like, they can't wait for me to get the fuck out.

• 19:25Matt McCusker?

  The double blowjob's not happening.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  But I made the decision on the way up where I was like, it is what it is. Sorry, family. And they just kind of like stared at me like, do you want the table or not?

• 19:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 04

  They coached you with that Facebook Marketplace post.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, they were just like, you want it? Like, get the fuck out of here. I was like, trying to lift it by myself without their help.

• 19:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, obviously, obviously.

• 19:47Speaker 02

  Our husbands would eat you for breakfast.

• 19:50Matt McCusker?

  Did you, did you carry it down all by yourself?

• 19:53Speaker 02

  I ended up having to take it apart. It's your bitch move, but.

• 19:56Matt McCusker?

  No, that's actually kind of, you showed technical prowess.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  They were like little tiny screws. They're just like, like a little Christmas elf.

• 20:04Matt McCusker?

  But you maximized it.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  I dropped it. Yeah, I went back. I was like, I'm married, babe. Sorry.

• 20:09Matt McCusker?

  Damn, that's, how long were you in the apartment for?

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Like 20 minutes. I had to like disassemble the whole thing.

• 20:14Matt McCusker?

  Lucky.

• 20:15Speaker 02

  So it was sick. Yeah, I came.

• 20:16Matt McCusker?

  Did it smell good too in there?

• 20:17Speaker 02

  The table still smells good. I told Dana, like, this still smells like beautiful Cuban women.

• 20:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that's awesome. Facebook Marketplace fucking rules.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know why anyone, I think stores should just close at this point.

• 20:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:31Speaker 02

  Get the sickest shit on it.

• 20:32Matt McCusker?

  You really do, man.

• 20:33Speaker 02

  Your other option is like Wayfair. So it's like, dude, let's just start trading all this shit we have for like a decade and then we'll start making it.

• 20:41Matt McCusker?

  With like expensive furniture, you can take a picture of it and you'll get the exact replica offline for a fraction of the price.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:48Matt McCusker?

  And it's like, can you really tell? I doubt it.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  Expensive furniture on Facebook Marketplace is worth like a tenth of what they paid for.

• 20:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  It'll be like, paid 12 grand for this two years ago, a hundred bucks. You're like, how about 50? All right.

• 20:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, here, take it. Actually, if you can take it, that'd be great.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  I got a microwave last week for 40 bucks. Some old guy named Ed. He came out in a walker and he had like propped the microwave in the walker.

• 21:11Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Not even out of the box. Had to go to the hood. He was like, this old guy and it's just a terrible fucking apartment complex and he.

• 21:21Speaker 04

  Where's the hood in Austin?

• 21:23Speaker 02

  It's just small pockets.

• 21:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  Ah, so there's no like.

• 21:27Matt McCusker?

  It's like east was like, it's, that's, that's technically east Austin is technically the hood. This area was technically the hood back in the day.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  Hood here just doesn't slap like it does back east.

• 21:37Matt McCusker?

  The hood does not slap. It does, it just doesn't for real. I don't want to, I don't want to try to disrespect anyone.

• 21:41Speaker 02

  I'm not trying, I mean, there might be some bad hombres in uh, Austin. I don't see it.

• 21:45Matt McCusker?

  The hood doesn't slap, dude. It doesn't, man.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  Like, I'm afraid I'd get confused and be like, hey, man, like.

• 21:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, are you robbing me, bro? Like, what are we doing here? I don't see it. I mean, maybe I'm under estimating. No, hit H-Town. If you want to really hit the cut, hit H-Town.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  My one Uber driver said, go to San Antonio, H-Town, if you really want to get back in the hood.

• 22:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Fort Worth.

• 22:05Speaker 02

  Fort Worth hood?

• 22:06Matt McCusker?

  Come on, bro.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  I don't, I never fucked with them.

• 22:08Matt McCusker?

  Fort Worth, dude, yeah. Fort Worth, that's, yeah. A lot of the gang bangers came from LA and put Fort Worth down.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  Really?

• 22:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 22:16Speaker 02

  Damn, what about San Antonio?

• 22:17Matt McCusker?

  San Antonio, hell yeah, bro. Mexicans run the yard here.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  In Austin?

• 22:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I mean, again, the hood's not really popping like that in Austin, but like.

• 22:25Speaker 02

  I might get it popping.

• 22:26Matt McCusker?

  I don't like it. I don't want to, I have no disrespect to anyone.

• 22:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, you don't, you don't, you're like this and popping.

• 22:30Speaker 04

  That's where the hood is.

• 22:31Matt McCusker?

  Flugerville. Yeah, north. You have, you have north, nasty north too.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  Oh, damn.

• 22:35Matt McCusker?

  Shit's popping up north.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Some other place yesterday, it was like houses overlooking a lake. It was insane.

• 22:41Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  Like Tarrytown or like.

• 22:43Matt McCusker?

  That's where all the politicians and shit live.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 22:46Matt McCusker?

  Matthew McConaughey lives there allegedly.

• 22:50Matt McCusker?

  Why are you shading McConaughey?

• 22:51Speaker 02

  I got nothing against McConaughey. I'm just girl casting, trying to get traction.

• 22:56Matt McCusker?

  True. Struggle streaming.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  I hate Matthew McConaughey.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Nah, I got nothing against him.

• 23:03Matt McCusker?

  I mean, he, I, if I was him, I'd feel a little weird that you coming here.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  Why's that?

• 23:08Matt McCusker?

  You kind of, I mean.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  I am trying to.

• 23:10Matt McCusker?

  You are kind of his vibe. You know what I'm saying? Like the vibe he's portraying, you're kind of the real deal. No disrespect to McConaughey, but you are.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  I don't know. I haven't met him. I, I saw a little of his spoken word.

• 23:20Matt McCusker?

  He's kind of trying to be you. It's kind of weird.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  He might be. I saw a little of his spoken word, didn't really resonate. But that's him, you know, it's what his art.

• 23:27Matt McCusker?

  Also, that's also pussy overdose.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 23:30Matt McCusker?

  You can't fault a man for pussy overdose.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  What's his like, what's his backlog? He's got his wife.

• 23:35Matt McCusker?

  He's got, he's got like a hot Brazilian wife.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  He have like a.

• 23:38Matt McCusker?

  His backlog's probably like an orgiastic, yeah, it's probably insane.

• 23:41Speaker 02

  Like a string of like beautiful celebrity, like exes?

• 23:44Matt McCusker?

  He definitely does. Probably, probably didn't even make it to X category. He was probably just dropping.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  Oh, damn.

• 23:51Matt McCusker?

  He was probably piping and just being like, oh, man, oh, shucks, babe. I gotta get on the set.

• 23:57Speaker 02

  Is he a pure Texan?

• 23:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  I'm trying to go pure Texan.

• 23:59Matt McCusker?

  He's from like the border, he's from like south, south Texas. As far as, yeah.

• 24:05Speaker 02

  Have you ever met him?

• 24:06Matt McCusker?

  Nah, I never met the bro.

• 24:06Speaker 02

  I might go knock up on him.

• 24:08Matt McCusker?

  Knock up.

• 24:09Speaker 04

  I just met him like a month ago.

• 24:10Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 24:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 24:11Matt McCusker?

  The man?

• 24:12Speaker 02

  Can you speak on it? Is he chill?

• 24:13Matt McCusker?

  Can you, yeah, can you speak on his name?

• 24:14Speaker 04

  He was, he was chill. Uh, he was intense, you know? He was very Matthew McConaughey.

• 24:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 24:19Speaker 04

  There was this time he's, we were in a scene together in a car and we all walked.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  Wait, what?

• 24:24Speaker 04

  Humble brag.

• 24:28Speaker 02

  I know you're acting with him.

• 24:29Speaker 04

  This is my first thing. And uh, so I was in a car with him and Woody Harrelson and like three other guys. And he's like, all right, come on, guys, let's go. And then he did like a little meeting. And I just like, wasn't fast enough to get around and he shook everyone else's hand, but by the time I got to the group, he was already.

• 24:49Speaker 04

  No, he didn't diss me on purpose. I was just slow.

• 24:53Speaker 04

  It might start, yeah.

• 24:56Matt McCusker?

  So you came around like, yeah, for the shake.

• 24:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, I came around for the shake, but he was.

• 25:01Matt McCusker?

  He probably saw a green light this one right there.

• 25:03Speaker 04

  I didn't want to interrupt, you know? He had already started the speech.

• 25:07Matt McCusker?

  Oh, he, shake, shake.

• 25:09Speaker 02

  He was acting with you and gave you guys like a pre-speech?

• 25:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, he like, we all had our like scripts and he's like, he's going over it with Woody in this big circle.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  So you have Woody too, NBD?

• 25:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. It was very cool. He was a nice guy.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  And what were you doing? You were in the movie or show?

• 25:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  Or you can't talk about it. If you can't, if it's.

• 25:27Speaker 04

  No, it's out, bro.

• 25:28Matt McCusker?

  What was your role? What role did you get?

• 25:29Speaker 04

  I was an Uber driver.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Oh, damn.

• 25:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I auditioned for that show. I didn't get it. I don't, I don't have beef with McConaughey. I swear to God, I don't.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  Or him.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Wait, so the show's out?

• 25:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Is this your first acting credit?

• 25:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Damn, bro.

• 25:44Matt McCusker?

  It's fucking rocking, dude. He's a humble bro.

• 25:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:46Speaker 04

  It was fun, dude. Um, didn't get to shake his hand, but maybe one day.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  One day, yeah.

• 25:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but you got to act alongside.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:53Matt McCusker?

  Also, that's deep method as Uber driver not to.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, not to touch. Or immediately hand sanitize.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, you know what I fuck with is the Cuban Uber drivers down here.

• 26:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  Dudes are chill. Right now, I'm three for three, all Cubans.

• 26:08Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 26:08Speaker 02

  One dude gave me his number today.

• 26:10Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 26:10Speaker 02

  Cause he was like, yo, I'm actually your neighbor. Just call me next time you need a ride.

• 26:13Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  I was like, bro, I definitely will.

• 26:15Matt McCusker?

  That's kind of the move.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  It was sick. He was like, this is my car. I'll drive you wherever you want to go. He's like, I'm your neighbor. I live two minutes up the street from you.

• 26:22Matt McCusker?

  That's fucking sick.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Fuck, yeah, dude.

• 26:23Matt McCusker?

  You are thick with poppy right now.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  I am rolling thick with poppy.

• 26:27Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it's sick.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  I'm trying to switch my inner monologue.

• 26:30Matt McCusker?

  To what?

• 26:30Speaker 02

  It's like my whole neighborhood speaks Spanish.

• 26:32Matt McCusker?

  Right.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  So like, when I walk at night, I try to think in Spanish the whole time.

• 26:39Speaker 02

  But my problem is like, once I get into that mindset, I go like, like strict misogynistic abuelo immediately. I'm not me, like quickly, butt smacks, like no shirt, just. I gotta start wrenching on my car too.

• 26:58Matt McCusker?

  You gotta get onto the hood, you gotta pop that hood.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  I also get caught like fake Spanish-ing, so I'll be like, hola, como estas? Like, we get in the Uber, then he starts ripping and I'm just like.

• 27:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, let me bail on this.

• 27:07Speaker 02

  And they look at me like, oh, fuck, you don't speak Spanish. They thought I was down for a second.

• 27:10Matt McCusker?

  I know. I do the same thing. I'll hit like a nice greeting and then they'll be like, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, slow down.

• 27:15Speaker 02

  They're like, oh, yeah, not too much.

• 27:16Matt McCusker?

  Slow down.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Then he showed me a pic of his wife and I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to like offend him. I was just like, oh, that's a good picture.

• 27:23Matt McCusker?

  What was he, like?

• 27:24Speaker 02

  10 out of 10.

• 27:25Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 27:25Speaker 02

  I didn't want to be like, bro, that's insane. Like.

• 27:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, she's hot as fuck.

• 27:28Speaker 02

  10 out of 10. He's like, she's 24, I'm 34. I was just like, estabién.

• 27:33Matt McCusker?

  Estabién. You didn't think to, yeah, you didn't want to be like, bro.

• 27:36Speaker 02

  I don't want to be like, bro.

• 27:37Matt McCusker?

  Muy bonito.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Muy bonito, like keep going, like.

• 27:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  I just was like, oh, yeah, estabién, buen foto.

• 27:45Matt McCusker?

  I've had someone hit you with like daughter pics where you're like, bro, why, why are you doing this? So here's my one daughter and I was like, yo, bro, she's in a bathing suit, dude, like.

• 27:53Speaker 02

  How old? Like 21?

• 27:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, like college age and I was just like.

• 27:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's not appropriate.

• 27:57Matt McCusker?

  Yo, bro.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  Why don't you try and marry her off?

• 28:00Matt McCusker?

  I'm already married. Sister wife, though. I can't tell Brittany I'm getting a sister wife. Old, older than, I'm gonna go old. Old sister wife.

• 28:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:08Matt McCusker?

  She wants me to get a vasectomy. She wants me to get a vasectomy and I'm like, never, I'm not gonna do it. She's really been gilding me into getting a vasectomy and I'm like, let's just, I'll just go fucking, uh, you know, celibate.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Just toy out and go celibate.

• 28:19Matt McCusker?

  That's what I was saying. I was like, I'll just wear a strap.

• 28:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I have no problem. I have no problem just putting on like.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  You know what it feels like? You have three kids. Who cares?

• 28:28Matt McCusker?

  I know the whole point. I have a strap.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  You should just get a room, dude.

• 28:31Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean?

• 28:32Speaker 02

  Like a Fifty Shades room.

• 28:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh, like a dungeon.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  Like neon lights with your name on it. Just like content room.

• 28:41Matt McCusker?

  Dude, for real.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Toy out.

• 28:42Matt McCusker?

  I'll sell her. I'll go celibate and if you ever need, I'll just strap up.

• 28:45Speaker 02

  Or hold it down like Body Otis.

• 28:47Matt McCusker?

  Like how?

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Remember Body Otis just had like, did you ever watch the old Spartacus?

• 28:50Matt McCusker?

  Dominus? Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  There was just dudes cruising around.

• 28:52Matt McCusker?

  I'll be your body slave. I'll be your body slave.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  Body slaves.

• 28:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they just call me up.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  Pay them so it's not fucked up.

• 28:57Matt McCusker?

  What'd you say?

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Just pay them.

• 28:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no, I'm not getting jiggle. You're talking about Diddy out?

• 29:02Speaker 02

  Nah, dude, come on, man. Respectable manner.

• 29:04Matt McCusker?

  It's my fucking wife, dude.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  It is your wife, but it's, I would have more respect to that than if you went.

• 29:09Matt McCusker?

  If I wore a strap?

• 29:10Speaker 02

  If you got vasectomized.

• 29:11Matt McCusker?

  I'm not getting vasectomized.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  It's the scariest thing to think of.

• 29:13Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I know somebody, one of my friends, they, he was like, yo, I still, I don't think the anesthesia, cause you're, you're awake the whole time. And they, they supposed to numb the, I know. They didn't fully numb the area and he was like, yo, dude, I can still, and they're like, no. And he, and he goes, dude, I just saw, I saw lights.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  I've heard dudes tell me you can like smell it and shit.

• 29:33Matt McCusker?

  Aw, dude.

• 29:35Speaker 02

  I just couldn't do it. I would go celibate before I would do it.

• 29:37Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying. I'm like, bro, let's just like, we, we had a fucking solid run.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Strict pee play for the rest of my life.

• 29:45Matt McCusker?

  Solid run. I'll, we'll just go, I'll go on nocturnals. I'll just go full nocturnals. You just let me know. I'll, I'll, whatever. We'll hit a nice little.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  When it happens.

• 29:54Matt McCusker?

  Wall display of like various straps.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  If some dude was like, yo, me and my wife don't want any more kids, so we, I've gone strict pee play. I'd be like, that's cool. If he was like, I gotta have a second, I'd be like, oh, bro, why'd you do that?

• 30:05Matt McCusker?

  Everyone's getting them, man. Like, I, I'm just scared. First of all, I just don't wanna do it.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  I don't wanna, like, it's just, it terrifies me.

• 30:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man. And also they say like, there's no, there's no complications. How? How can you sever literally the life force inside your body?

• 30:21Speaker 02

  I don't know. It's one of those things. I don't like to speak on it cause a lot of dudes have done it and I'm like, I don't wanna.

• 30:28Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  It terrifies me.

• 30:29Matt McCusker?

  No, that, that's fair.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  It's like phase two circumcision.

• 30:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, if women had their way, they would just cut your whole dick off.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Even like with circumcision, it's like supposedly like after you're circumcised, you have no idea. Like what you're missing out on.

• 30:45Matt McCusker?

  I know. That's the fucking, are you circ?

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:48Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 30:49Speaker 02

  You had to think about it.

• 30:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  I haven't thought about my cock in a while. I spend all day thinking about mine.

• 30:58Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 30:59Speaker 02

  Sometimes I pee and I just grieve it. And I'm like, who did this to me?

• 31:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Someone sniffed it. Cause someone that, I have a friend that's.

• 31:06Matt McCusker?

  Do you guys grow up Catholic?

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, same here.

• 31:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:09Speaker 02

  So I had a friend that is uncircumcised and he said that when circumcised dudes bust a nut, they're just feeling for a split second what it's like to be uncircumcised. And then uncircumcised dudes start at that ceiling and go up.

• 31:21Matt McCusker?

  Man. Yeah. I mean, there was apparently.

• 31:24Speaker 02

  I don't know how he knows that.

• 31:27Matt McCusker?

  There was early, uh, early guys in the church that were like way against judaizing Gentiles. They're like, bro, you don't need to judaize, which like to circumcise. There's people who are trying to stop it like way back in like 180.

• 31:40Speaker 02

  Supposedly the Kellogg's dude was a big proponent of it. The guy that invented like Kellogg's cornflakes?

• 31:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he was not about.

• 31:46Speaker 02

  He was not into jerking off.

• 31:47Matt McCusker?

  At all.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  At all. He was vehemently opposed to masturbating.

• 31:50Matt McCusker?

  That's the, the whole idea with cornflakes is like, you gotta get like a very just low key, easy breakfast. Apparently it's like supposed to help you not jerk off.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Get horny?

• 31:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. If you ate like a bland mush breakfast.

• 32:01Speaker 02

  If I was waking up eating a bowl of cornflakes, I'd just be like, fuck.

• 32:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. Fuck this.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  If I was like, you wanna smash it?

• 32:07Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  Fucking cornflakes.

• 32:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, nah.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  It's the shittiest cereal in the world.

• 32:11Matt McCusker?

  Cornflakes fucking blow. This episode is brought to you by Espalone Tequila. 100% agave, 0% ego. That's a pretty good attitude for tequila to have. This stuff's balanced, delicious, and it's perfect for nights out, nights in, and whoever likes drinking tequila. Just get some ice, lime, espalone, and you're ready. When your margarita deserves better, there's Espalone Tequila. Espalone Tequila, 40% alcohol per volume, 80 proof, copyright 2026, Campari, America, New York, New York. Drink responsibly. Guys, please, please come. I will, this, this very weekend, I'll be in Charlotte, North Carolina. This is a huge show.

• 32:52Matt McCusker?

  Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville's on the verge of selling out. Not bragging. It's just what's happening. Charlotte, very much not selling out. Come on down. Don't be shy. Atlanta, Georgia, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Orlando. Guys, please, I've been saying it forever. Newark, New Jersey, it's a 3,000 seater. Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Diego, California, Sacramento, California. Please come to the shows. MattMcCusker.com, tickets.

• 33:18Matt McCusker?

  Please. The floor is yours.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  You can, uh, keep up with me on Instagram. Instagram is at Dylan Ray Soul. D Y L A N R A Y S U double L. Thanks.

• 33:30Matt McCusker?

  Nice. What's your go-to cereal?

• 33:32Speaker 02

  Man, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I like cinnamon toast.

• 33:36Matt McCusker?

  To this day?

• 33:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, as I've grown up, it's been more like honey bunches of oats with almonds.

• 33:43Matt McCusker?

  Nice. A healthy choice.

• 33:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:46Matt McCusker?

  Slightly though. Slightly.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's actually terrible.

• 33:49Matt McCusker?

  Still pretty sugary. Yeah, honey bunches is still pretty sugar laden. I'm all about that fiber right now.

• 33:53Speaker 02

  Are you doing like Fiber One or something?

• 33:55Matt McCusker?

  Not even, I'm trying to get it through like fruit and stuff. I'll still take the powder every now and again, but like, yeah, if I'm not ripping like a 10 incher every day.

• 34:01Speaker 02

  You ever do a celiac?

• 34:05Speaker 02

  You ever do like a celiac husk?

• 34:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I fucked a celiac husk.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, that'll do it.

• 34:09Matt McCusker?

  Actually, I used to call it asylum. Thank you for, thank, thank God I didn't say that. Yeah, I've done that. Done celiac husk, all that stuff, but yeah, I'd eat it, man. That's my big thing. Just protein fiber. Protein fiber.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Well, what's your cereal now? Like if you.

• 34:21Matt McCusker?

  I don't really eat cereal.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  I don't, like if you could, you know?

• 34:24Matt McCusker?

  I'll finish my kids. That's it. Whatever they have, I'll rip it. I'll rip the rest of their cereal. No matter what. Cereal is so fucking delicious. It's so good.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  If I have it in my house, I'll eat it at any hour.

• 34:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'll eat the whole fucking box.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  Three bowls.

• 34:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  It's too delicious for me.

• 34:39Matt McCusker?

  You guys like Reese's Puffs?

• 34:41Speaker 02

  They're incredible, but I won't keep it in my house.

• 34:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I can't.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  I'd eat the whole fucking thing.

• 34:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  Or I'd put my kids onto it and then they'd be like, oh, this is what breakfast is. Right. No hope in eating.

• 34:50Matt McCusker?

  It's hard to get them all. Yeah, I'll give my kids, we hit them with the Honey Nut Cheerios every now and again, and they just start demanding it every day. And I'm like.

• 34:56Speaker 02

  I'll tell you something. My parents never said no to my cereal choices and now look.

• 34:59Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that is a fork in young life. I have friends with the super like green light, whatever cereal they wanted.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:06Matt McCusker?

  Surprised you're not, you know, whacked out on drugs.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  I probably am.

• 35:09Matt McCusker?

  You haven't slept on it.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  I haven't slept. You guys don't know me at all.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  Little party in play?

• 35:18Speaker 02

  You took a party and play right into the podcast?

• 35:20Matt McCusker?

  That's right.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  I'm with that.

• 35:22Matt McCusker?

  That's right. Now that's sugary cereal, man. That early on, just like Count Chocula, Reese's Puffs, Flintstone, Fruity Pebbles. That, that was like, as far as I can tell, the biggest predictor to like opioid crisis.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:34Speaker 02

  What's the PMP scene in Austin?

• 35:36Matt McCusker?

  The P, oh, man. I don't know.

• 35:43Matt McCusker?

  But I'm sure I'll find out sometime today.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  You stay up another couple of nights, they'll just naturally end up on it.

• 35:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'll find my way. Sure, there's a bridge. I'm good to know. I didn't, I thought, I was worried the gay scene was lacking down here.

• 35:53Speaker 02

  It's popping, dude.

• 35:54Matt McCusker?

  That's good. Nice to be, we gotta.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  What I heard, according to one lesbian that sold a lamp. I don't know if she was skewed. Like, I don't know if she was like, grass is always greener type shit. I don't know.

• 36:04Matt McCusker?

  The oracle.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  It was really funny. Cause we talked for like 20 seconds and like that, it went right to like talking about the difference between the gay and lesbian scene in Austin. It's tapped. I told her hit West Philly.

• 36:14Matt McCusker?

  Talking shit.

• 36:15Speaker 02

  I, I was like, bro, skip New York, go right to West Philly.

• 36:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the lesbian scene is truly popping in West Philly.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 36:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. It's, it's strong.

• 36:24Speaker 02

  I imagine it's more like rough and tumble. I don't know Philly.

• 36:27Matt McCusker?

  Whole spectrum.

• 36:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:28Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 36:29Speaker 02

  It's a beautiful scene.

• 36:30Matt McCusker?

  It is a beautiful scene. Tom was deeply embedded in it.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was, I was. Yeah, I was fucking heavy with it.

• 36:36Matt McCusker?

  Damn. Heavy in the lesbian community. I think the lesbian scene might just be beat everywhere.

• 36:42Speaker 02

  It's popping there.

• 36:43Matt McCusker?

  Bro, going back to the thing in Boston, they, that lady struggling financially or not making any money because nobody wants to, it's just like a virtue signal. No one really wants to sit in a bar. It's impossible to wear a mask in a bar in the first place. You gotta lift it, take your drink, put it back down. She was like, all right, tonight we're lifting the thing. We gotta get some people in here. And her Facebook page is be, they were calling it a, like a disabled genocide. She's like, they were like, you're genociding the immunocompromised.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  You can't start throwing that word around like that.

• 37:11Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 37:12Speaker 02

  That's a tough one.

• 37:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's pretty tough. But they were like, they were spazzing on her because apparently the party kicked off. It actually popped up. Lesbian scene in Boston actually might be kind of lit.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  It might be back.

• 37:22Matt McCusker?

  The party popped off, but the people were pissed.

• 37:24Speaker 02

  It might be beat just because like gays and lesbians might have beat adult scenes because like all adult scenes crumble.

• 37:30Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 37:31Speaker 02

  So it's like, if you're in like an adult punk scene, it's fucking terrifying.

• 37:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  You're like 40 and you're like wearing your old tees and you're like, yeah, we're still punk.

• 37:38Matt McCusker?

  Never sold out.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  Never sold out. My Vanguard's kicking. So like.

• 37:43Matt McCusker?

  I never got into punk.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  Might just be beat by default.

• 37:46Matt McCusker?

  What's your views on the punk scene or punk ethos in general?

• 37:49Speaker 04

  Man, I think it's, I think it's dying, but I hope there, I feel like every generation has its own little punk scene, but they may not call it punk.

• 37:57Matt McCusker?

  What is punk though?

• 37:58Speaker 02

  Were you a Colorado punker?

• 38:00Speaker 04

  I was kind of like an emo weird kid. Went to like Zoomies and fucking weird. I would wear like, you know, like a.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  You were like a good Charlotte.

• 38:08Speaker 04

  Like, yeah, exactly. Dude, like I was so into good Charlotte. Remember that guy that used to have like have the things going down? I tried to do that myself, but my.

• 38:17Speaker 02

  Oh, so you were like a guy liner head for a bit.

• 38:19Speaker 04

  Well, that's the thing, dude, is my mom wouldn't give me her eyeliner. So I had to do it with a Sharpie by myself and I didn't have a mirror. So I just guessed it and they were just like diagonal ski slopes coming out of my eyes.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Damn.

• 38:32Speaker 04

  But then I also played sports. So I'd have like, you know, like a Hot Topic or good Charlotte shirt and then like gym shorts.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Damn dude, it's an anomaly. Why am I just a Colorado shit?

• 38:42Matt McCusker?

  That's suburbia. That's classic suburbia. Were you suburbia or are you more rural Colorado?

• 38:45Speaker 04

  Suburbia.

• 38:46Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 38:47Speaker 04

  Kind of guy.

• 38:47Matt McCusker?

  That's kind of quintessential suburbia. Good Charlotte tee, gym shorts.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  Gym shorts, still playing sports.

• 38:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Outdoor malls.

• 38:53Matt McCusker?

  What sports you play?

• 38:54Speaker 04

  I played football, lacrosse, wrestling, kind of did it all.

• 39:00Matt McCusker?

  You're an athlete.

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Damn dude.

• 39:01Speaker 04

  I am surprisingly agile. No one would know, but.

• 39:05Speaker 02

  You're surprising with every sentence.

• 39:06Matt McCusker?

  La Mer is always harping on his own agility, speed.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:10Matt McCusker?

  Have you ever hoopled with La Mer or done any sports?

• 39:13Speaker 04

  No, we haven't played sports together.

• 39:16Speaker 02

  Matthew, when did you get into comedy?

• 39:18Speaker 04

  Uh, fucking, I moved to Chicago right after Colorado and I saw some shows there and I was like, I'll do it. So I did it like a mic every six, eight months sort of thing. And then I was doing some internships in LA and then I met Paulie Shore and he hired me on as his assistant. And I wasn't, I just needed a job. I didn't know it was him or anything.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  Bro, I'm mind blown. Now you're just casually dropping, you know, the Wees?

• 39:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm sorry.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 39:47Speaker 04

  Sorry, Matthew.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Matt didn't tell me. Matt was like, oh, I got this guy's gonna come on this. He didn't tell me you were like a reputable.

• 39:53Matt McCusker?

  I wanted to meet him. We didn't really vibe.

• 39:55Speaker 02

  Friend of the Wees.

• 39:56Matt McCusker?

  Friend of the Wees.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  How's the Wees in real life?

• 39:58Speaker 04

  Man.

• 39:59Speaker 02

  I do have legit beef with the Wees, but we'll get to that.

• 40:01Speaker 04

  Really?

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Dude dissed me in like oh one.

• 40:03Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah, I forgot.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Bro, I went to, what's the famous comedy club in New York?

• 40:09Matt McCusker?

  Cellar.

• 40:10Speaker 02

  The other one. Caroline's maybe?

• 40:12Matt McCusker?

  Caroline, close.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  Caroline. So I went from Philadelphia with my girlfriend at the time to Caroline's to see the Wees.

• 40:18Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Right? We saw his comedy. It was incredible. This was 2000 or 2001.

• 40:23Matt McCusker?

  It's peak, it's his peak.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Now this is like.

• 40:25Matt McCusker?

  After Biode.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't, I don't want to speak on his peak. I think he's still peaking.

• 40:28Matt McCusker?

  Biode, true. No, dude. Biode, I fucking.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  Polly Shore's Dead was a fantastic film.

• 40:33Matt McCusker?

  Also Biodeum ruled. I fucking.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  Son-in-law fucking ruled.

• 40:36Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  Jury duty was, alright. In the Army Now is kind of mid.

• 40:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  It was more of like, it came out at the time. It was funny at the time.

• 40:43Matt McCusker?

  It was a cash grab.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Cash grab. But, so I went all the way up to see him. And then afterwards, we were like walking to like somewhere afterwards and I saw him on the street and I was like, oh shit, Polly, I just saw your standup. And he's like, okay, man. And I kept walking.

• 40:57Matt McCusker?

  In front of Bay.

• 40:58Speaker 02

  In front of my babe. She was just kind of like.

• 41:00Matt McCusker?

  He's got answers to that.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Polly Shore just fucking dissed.

• 41:02Speaker 04

  Well, he's in town a lot now. So you're gonna get.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  I'll catch up with him, bro.

• 41:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  I'll bet Paul, what's up, bro? Hey, I'll bring my wife. I'll say, say hi to my wife, Wees. I actually remember being all cool with me like, yo, it's Polly. Let me say what's up to him. And she was like, don't bother him. And I like went and bothered him. And then he was like, fuck off.

• 41:20Speaker 04

  Man.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  And she was kind of like, it was kind of cringey for everyone except me. I was just like disappointed in myself, like.

• 41:27Speaker 04

  Now you gotta show up and he's gonna be like, hey, and then you go.

• 41:31Speaker 02

  He won't say, he doesn't know, you know, he's probably still dissed me.

• 41:34Speaker 04

  Man.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  I gotta get my confidence up, bro. I gotta start hanging out with you more.

• 41:38Speaker 04

  True. I'll make the intro happen and then we'll sabotage.

• 41:41Speaker 02

  So are you still boys with him?

• 41:43Speaker 04

  I see him, yeah.

• 41:44Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah. You're like, you're pretty much, you're.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't want to have beef with him. I want to like catch back up where we left off.

• 41:50Speaker 04

  No, man.

• 41:51Speaker 02

  I'll be like, dude, Caroline's November of 2000. You fucking crushed.

• 41:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think it's an eye for an eye kind of thing.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  I was also probably hammered.

• 41:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  So like, looking back, maybe this is more on.

• 42:00Speaker 04

  Yeah. I wonder what the real thing was. Like, hey, please.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  Now that I talk it out, I think I was in the wrong.

• 42:13Speaker 04

  He's like taking care of his mom.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think I've started and squashed the beef. He was actually walking with a babe.

• 42:19Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 42:20Matt McCusker?

  Right on. No, no shade to his mom.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  A young babe. It definitely wasn't his mother.

• 42:25Matt McCusker?

  Dang. Yeah, I've met him before. He's got like Jim Morrison kind of energy. He's got lizard king energy. He kind of does, dude.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Still to this day.

• 42:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he's, he's still the, we still, he's pretty.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  Like Jim Morrison or like Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison?

• 42:41Matt McCusker?

  He's just, he's a slippery guy. You can tell. He's very, I like to see the way he fucking works.

• 42:46Speaker 04

  Damn. No man, how I got the job, I went in and when you go in, he stacks it. So someone is interviewing for the job in front of you. And then he comes up to me and he sees me and he's like, hey, you want some carrots? And he puts a handful of wet carrots on the table. No like plate.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  And he sees if you eat them or not?

• 43:06Speaker 04

  I, I, I did eat them.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. Baby carrots are like full dirty like Nabi ones.

• 43:11Speaker 04

  Baby carrots, but it's just a fistful of baby carrots.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  No dip?

• 43:16Speaker 04

  No, no dip. Just raw baby carrots. So all this to say, man, if you're gonna try to get retribution, you're gonna, you're gonna have to think out of the box.

• 43:25Speaker 02

  He's 5D chesting the whole time.

• 43:27Matt McCusker?

  Fuck.

• 43:29Speaker 04

  If you see the carrots come out, you're fucked.

• 43:32Matt McCusker?

  Did he explain how the selection process worked or he was just like, you got it?

• 43:36Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, he was like, yeah, you know, we're gonna see. It's always like, oh, we'll see what happens.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  What were you applying to be?

• 43:43Speaker 04

  I, I just need, I ran out of money. So I was just, I just applied for a random assistant job. It didn't say who he was or anything.

• 43:50Speaker 02

  Fuck, it turned out to be the Wees.

• 43:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, it turned out to be the Wees.

• 43:53Matt McCusker?

  What was his other aspiring, the interviewee saying when he sees the Wees drop the carrots before you? Cause if I'm interviewed, I'm gonna turn around and be like, bro, what thought we were doing?

• 44:01Speaker 04

  It was a typing test. So he was all trying to.

• 44:04Matt McCusker?

  He's getting his Guam checked.

• 44:06Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 44:08Matt McCusker?

  I've got my Guam checked in a minute.

• 44:09Speaker 02

  My Guam's trash now.

• 44:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 04

  Yeah. But yeah, crazy time.

• 44:14Matt McCusker?

  He dropped the carrots, you eat the carrots. Next thing you know, you're high. Like what was the?

• 44:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, I did a little typing test. He said, hey, man, you're too slow. You're slow, man.

• 44:23Matt McCusker?

  He was nagging you.

• 44:24Speaker 04

  And then I was like, I can get faster, you know, like I was, I was like.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  So how did he announce that? Was it just you and him? Or was it like you were going through a band of like his other associates?

• 44:33Speaker 04

  No, it was like me and he, he had this office at the top of the Comedy Store and it was just him, some guy. And then he would always have like an assistant, but you never knew who it was. It was like a network of assistants.

• 44:46Speaker 02

  And this would have been 2016?

• 44:51Matt McCusker?

  16 years, 16, 16 years after the fatal incident.

• 44:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  That's fucking nuts.

• 44:57Speaker 04

  Serendipitous.

• 44:58Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 45:00Speaker 02

  And then you got the job.

• 45:01Speaker 04

  And then I got the job.

• 45:02Speaker 02

  Did you leave on good terms?

• 45:04Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're still pretty chill, but there's just times where he'd be like, hey, like drive me to Santa Monica. And I had this car, this Honda Civic and I could see through mine.

• 45:14Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 45:14Speaker 04

  I had to go pick him up in my car and the, there was like, I could see the street.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:20Speaker 04

  You know?

• 45:21Speaker 02

  Been there. We catch a fumes?

• 45:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  I used to have, I'd keep the windows down because you'd get buzzed.

• 45:25Speaker 04

  Man, yeah. You get a buzz on that from LA to Santa Monica? Fucking crazy.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Would you just like chill with them around the clock? Or like, it was like nine to five?

• 45:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was, it was like, we would hang out and sometimes I'd do stuff, sometimes I wouldn't. I went to some dinner with like some, the CEO of like Playboy and I was just like, I didn't know anything going on. So I was like, wow, this is crazy. But then he'd be like, all right, well, go get me like napkins, you know?

• 45:55Speaker 02

  That's also, he would still kind of like boss you.

• 45:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. But he taught me a lot. Like he, I would go on tour, he wouldn't let me.

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Secretary?

• 46:03Speaker 04

  No, I haven't seen.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  It's a good movie.

• 46:05Speaker 04

  Is that the one with, oh, with that one guy?

• 46:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And then by the end, she's like wearing like girdles and like shackles and stuff.

• 46:15Speaker 04

  Polly Shore, that gave him a cat and mouse. Yeah, man. It was real cool though.

• 46:21Matt McCusker?

  I like to hear he's a very subtle operator.

• 46:23Speaker 02

  He is. Wait, so what was his like, what was his business in 2016? He was just still?

• 46:29Speaker 04

  He was like writing stuff.

• 46:31Speaker 02

  Biodeum DVDs and shit.

• 46:34Speaker 04

  Man, you gotta settle this beef, man. I can't be the middle man.

• 46:38Matt McCusker?

  That was kind of a P A.

• 46:40Speaker 04

  That was a dig. Yeah, that was a dig.

• 46:41Matt McCusker?

  Although dude, I will say completely unironically, I, Biodeum was like a pivotal moment of my life.

• 46:47Speaker 04

  Son-in-law had me, dude.

• 46:48Matt McCusker?

  Son-in-law, yeah.

• 46:49Speaker 04

  It'd be like.

• 46:50Matt McCusker?

  I don't know if I saw that one.

• 46:51Speaker 04

  It's when like, Kelly Carpat, or the girl from Saved by the Bell is in it. Tiffany Amber Thiessen is in it and he goes, some girl brings him home from college to like a rural farm.

• 47:06Speaker 02

  And it's like her college friend and then he has to like he has to like milk cows and stuff.

• 47:11Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  Sick movie.

• 47:12Matt McCusker?

  Wow.

• 47:13Speaker 05

  This episode is brought to you by BlueChew. Oh, yeah. Fellas, let me introduce you to BlueChew Gold.

• 47:19Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

• 47:20Speaker 05

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• 47:40Matt McCusker?

  Because sex is not just be about being able to perform. I totally agree with that. It's about actually wanting to.

• 47:47Speaker 05

  Now, wanting to is extremely important for sexual intercourse.

• 47:51Matt McCusker?

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• 48:11Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. This episode is brought to you by Quince.

• 48:14Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 48:15Speaker 05

  What do you know about Quince?

• 48:16Matt McCusker?

  I love Quince. I'll be, I'll be honest. They sent me the stuff and I, their boxers, they use like cotton, like regular materials. Not a lot of polyesters, natural fibers. I'm a, I'm a big fan.

• 48:26Speaker 05

  Well, not everyone wants to spend forever on the perfect look. Quince gets that. It's why they make staple pieces for your wardrobe that go with pretty much anything, Matt. They're, uh, they're really easy to style and they feel great to wear because they're also made with premium materials. Including, like you said, organic cotton, merino wool. There's even a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at just $60. That's, I mean, talk about a deal.

• 48:52Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 48:52Speaker 05

  That's a bargain.

• 48:53Matt McCusker?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was Matt and Shane's secret podcast. It's the best way to support the show. I remember just wanting in a side of the biodome so bad.

• 49:21Speaker 02

  Biodome was the, who was the Baldwin in Biodome? Steven Baldwin?

• 49:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, was it?

• 49:27Speaker 02

  He was a good, he was also in Sliver.

• 49:29Matt McCusker?

  Didn't see that.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  That was like a late night, like seventh grade prism titty movie.

• 49:34Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 49:34Speaker 02

  It was about a dude that had an apartment complex that he cammed the whole thing out. So like, I think maybe.

• 49:40Matt McCusker?

  Seventh grade.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  Well, when you were like babysitting, you might have been telling us, but back in the day, we used to like babysit and like you knew it had titties in it. So you would watch.

• 49:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  So it was like one of those movies, like a flash of tits. You would spend like four hours being like, it's.

• 49:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't know if kids do that anymore.

• 49:54Speaker 02

  They don't.

• 49:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they don't watch a movie to catch tits.

• 49:56Speaker 04

  I think they just go right to the source these days.

• 49:58Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 49:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:59Matt McCusker?

  True. How old are you?

• 50:00Speaker 04

  I'm 32.

• 50:02Matt McCusker?

  Okay. So you, you didn't really have, what, what was the porn stash? Was it all internet for you?

• 50:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was all internet.

• 50:07Matt McCusker?

  Got you.

• 50:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  So you were born in 92. You're Billy's age.

• 50:12Speaker 04

  94.

• 50:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:13Speaker 02

  94. Okay. Yeah.

• 50:15Matt McCusker?

  You're a little.

• 50:15Speaker 02

  I forgot. I'm 44. I thought I was 42 for a second.

• 50:18Matt McCusker?

  I, I still can't get over that, man. Did, did any of you guys do analog porn? Lemmy, you must've touched some analog porn. Yeah, just for a minute.

• 50:27Speaker 03

  You mean like magazines?

• 50:28Matt McCusker?

  Magazines, DVDs.

• 50:29Speaker 02

  VHS.

• 50:30Speaker 03

  Catch a nice fucking Sears mag, spank.

• 50:33Matt McCusker?

  Okay. So you were, you were in the trenches with us. Yeah. It was Sears mags, Victoria's Secret. Oh my God.

• 50:38Speaker 03

  King, King or Smooth? I felt like you would be a King or Smooth guy.

• 50:42Matt McCusker?

  What's King or Smooth?

• 50:43Speaker 03

  It's just black, like Maxim, FHM, except.

• 50:46Matt McCusker?

  That wasn't in my parents' house. That was in my house.

• 50:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, my, I've said it before. My parents blocked all the music channels, but BET remained because they didn't know it existed. So we only had BET growing up. That was our only music channel in our house. So, yeah, they did not have Black or Smooth or whatever.

• 51:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, my dad was bringing out a copy of Smooth.

• 51:05Matt McCusker?

  No, they, I, I just got what came to the mail. Dude, I was a child. So I was completely, I couldn't take out a subscription by myself. So I was completely relying on like the Kohl's catalog, Sears. And again, Victoria's Secret was, was, that was like pornography. I would see Victoria's Secret, like dude, this is, they're sending porn in the mail.

• 51:21Speaker 02

  I used to tear up Delia's.

• 51:22Matt McCusker?

  What's Delia's?

• 51:23Speaker 02

  Not to self-incriminate, but like, it was like 13 year old girls in bikinis.

• 51:27Matt McCusker?

  But you were.

• 51:29Speaker 02

  12.

• 51:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, obviously.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  Important distinction.

• 51:33Matt McCusker?

  It's a very important distinction. Yeah, I remember.

• 51:35Speaker 02

  It wasn't C Sam. I was 12.

• 51:36Matt McCusker?

  Kohl's had the juniors, like bathing suits and all that shit. As a child, I would check. I'd like, they didn't have kids in underwear, but they would have kids in bathing.

• 51:43Speaker 02

  No, Delia's was like halter tops and like.

• 51:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:46Speaker 02

  It was just like, you, it was basically women's clothing for girls.

• 51:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, back when.

• 51:50Speaker 02

  But at 12, I was just like, ah, I love them.

• 51:53Matt McCusker?

  That was a nice, I remember, I remember dipping into the juniors swimsuits and being like, finally something for me.

• 51:59Matt McCusker?

  They're thinking, people at Kohl's are really thinking about me like, well, in case there's a, you know, 12 year old out there trying to.

• 52:03Speaker 04

  Did your folks ever take you guys to Vegas? You pick up those cards off the ground?

• 52:06Matt McCusker?

  No, my, my parents would never take us to Sin City.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  Why'd your parents take you to Vegas?

• 52:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, they, they're, you know, they wanted to do Vegas. So they had those cards. They had.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  You were an only child?

• 52:16Speaker 04

  No, I had a brother.

• 52:17Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 52:18Speaker 04

  I still do, but.

• 52:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:20Matt McCusker?

  He's still alive. Thank God.

• 52:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:22Matt McCusker?

  No, we never got to, I, it blew my mind. I went to Vegas the first time when I was, I think literally 21. And I saw those Hooker baseball cards and I thought that was pretty cool.

• 52:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:31Speaker 02

  You had to just hand them out?

• 52:32Matt McCusker?

  And the price is advertised, by the way, not true. Yeah. They'll say, yo, 200 bucks. And you go, that's a deal. They show up and they go, it's 200 bucks just for me to get here. That's what I've heard from Vegas. It's 200 bucks just for them to get there. I, dude, I didn't have any money at the time.

• 52:46Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 52:46Matt McCusker?

  They told me it's 200 bucks just to get there and then they hit you with the real price.

• 52:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, and they start, and the menu starts.

• 52:52Speaker 04

  So you just gotta say hi and then she leaves.

• 52:54Matt McCusker?

  Literally what happened.

• 52:56Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 52:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, literally what happened. I mean, so I've heard.

• 53:00Speaker 02

  Was your parents would take you to Vegas and just trail you through the streets of Vegas?

• 53:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, sometimes. And then they'd find like movies for us during the day.

• 53:07Speaker 02

  Were they just gambling? Were they just?

• 53:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. They, they would like gamble and like go out. Sometimes we'd go to like a show or something.

• 53:15Speaker 02

  I guess so. You lived in Colorado. So I'm like, it sounds so strange.

• 53:18Matt McCusker?

  It's right there.

• 53:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was.

• 53:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, we'd always take that. It's just a straight shot down, basically.

• 53:22Matt McCusker?

  They're, they're trying to do something in Atlantic City like that, trying to make it more family friendly, but it's such a lost cause. Have you ever been to Atlantic City?

• 53:29Speaker 04

  No.

• 53:29Matt McCusker?

  Atlantic City is fucked. You took all the seediness of Vegas and just like made it all very apparent everywhere.

• 53:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:37Matt McCusker?

  It's, Atlantic City, they sell.

• 53:39Speaker 02

  Atlantic City's kinda weird.

• 53:40Matt McCusker?

  They sell spoons, single spoons in the convenience stores.

• 53:43Speaker 04

  Oh shit.

• 53:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I remember seeing that and it took me a minute. I was like, metal spoon.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  Someone told me in Atlantic City that like the cops let it be known down there. Like if you fuck with people coming to the casinos, like we will put you in jail forever.

• 53:57Matt McCusker?

  Really? Don't fuck it up.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Don't fuck with these people. And it's like understood, like you could do whatever the fuck you want down there, but don't fuck with the casino people. Cause that's like the bread and butter.

• 54:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that makes sense. I walked through the cut one time in Atlantic City. I got detoured into a side mission and I'm walking through the cut, kind of walk of shame situation. And the dudes were just laughing. They're all just laughing at me and being like, ah. But yeah, no one, no one accosted me or bothered me. They all just kinda.

• 54:19Speaker 02

  Someone told me Atlantic City crashed hard too, because like online gambling. All like the, the people that would just naturally get pulled there to go gamble, just do it on their phone. So it's kind of crumbling.

• 54:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Well, the club scene's the only thing that keeps.

• 54:32Speaker 02

  Then everyone's like, someone's like, this place fucking rules.

• 54:34Matt McCusker?

  Atlantic City?

• 54:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. Certain people.

• 54:36Matt McCusker?

  Hoss? One cousin?

• 54:39Speaker 02

  I don't wanna speak his name.

• 54:40Matt McCusker?

  Hoss loves Atlantic City.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  I don't wanna summon his wrath. He loves Atlantic City.

• 54:43Matt McCusker?

  He loves, well, also I will say Ocean Casino in Atlantic City is nice. It's like, it's genuinely nice.

• 54:49Speaker 02

  I, Hoss told me the same thing. I took Dana there for our anniversary because rooms were like 30 bucks because it was the off season. She was the only non-prostitute there. Not to throw shade on.

• 55:00Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 55:01Speaker 02

  Sex workers.

• 55:02Matt McCusker?

  Not at all.

• 55:02Speaker 02

  It's not the best anniversary setting.

• 55:05Matt McCusker?

  I mean, though it kind of is. You take him around, you see the pros and you're like, wow, married mother, not so bad after all.

• 55:12Matt McCusker?

  Not so bad.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  We went to eat, yeah, we were like sitting with like gentlemen and prostitutes.

• 55:18Matt McCusker?

  It's this or the dishes. Dishes are not so bad.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's not so bad, babe.

• 55:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's chicks also, we were, I was in Chicago with Brittany and we were, we were staying at a nice hotel and there was two hookers at the bar. And, uh, they had like, there was a guy there who had been with his wife, but his wife wanted to do something. So he's at the bar and these two hookers just like descend upon him.

• 55:36Speaker 02

  Which his wife like went to the bathroom and then?

• 55:38Matt McCusker?

  She, she like went somewhere for like a while, maybe back to the room. Maybe she was taking care of business. I don't know. But she went back to the room.

• 55:44Speaker 02

  They came.

• 55:44Matt McCusker?

  And they, the hookers didn't see the wife leave. They just saw like an older businessman. So they like popped down next to, and then Brittany was like looking. I'm like, brother, hookers. She was like, oh, wow. She like could, she was like so fascinated. Chicks for civilian chicks versus square, square chicks, like our chicks, we're dealing with squares.

• 56:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:02Matt McCusker?

  When they see hookers, what?

• 56:03Speaker 02

  It's kind of, it's kind of conflict of interest.

• 56:06Matt McCusker?

  Circles and squares, bro.

• 56:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, cause it's like.

• 56:08Matt McCusker?

  Our babes are squares. I'm dealing with square babe, but yeah, man. It's fun letting them see hookers. It's like exciting for women to see them.

• 56:15Speaker 02

  I think they have like, some of them think that it's like a cool, like pretty woman type fantasy.

• 56:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's, I've, I've said it before, hookers are like, they're construction workers. You know, when you see a construction worker?

• 56:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're like.

• 56:25Matt McCusker?

  It's like, damn, that guy can like fix a sink. I feel like such a fucking bitch that I don't know. Like they're that for women.

• 56:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 56:31Matt McCusker?

  They're kinda grizzled.

• 56:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're like hard fucking.

• 56:35Matt McCusker?

  Their necks don't hurt when they give blowjobs for no reason. It's, necks are fine, even though they give a thousand blowjobs a day. Not like one a month.

• 56:42Speaker 02

  It's probably threatening.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  It's like when a contractor comes to your house and he's like, yeah, we'll just rip this wall out and do that. And your wife's looking at you like, do you know any of that?

• 56:51Matt McCusker?

  Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

• 56:52Speaker 02

  I'm just taking it to face value. This man tells us in our house.

• 56:55Matt McCusker?

  Oh, thank you, mister.

• 56:56Speaker 02

  Thank you, sir. Oh, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. You guys want anything to drink?

• 56:59Matt McCusker?

  They're wild chicks.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:01Matt McCusker?

  Wild chicks. I mean, I don't wanna speak on the life at all.

• 57:04Speaker 02

  I have no, you know, I have nothing against them.

• 57:06Matt McCusker?

  I have zero, I have zero against them.

• 57:08Speaker 02

  I have a new thing with my sexuality where I identify now as a meta-sexual.

• 57:15Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 57:16Speaker 02

  I read this in a book. Are you familiar with the concept of meta-sexuality?

• 57:18Matt McCusker?

  Not at all.

• 57:20Speaker 02

  So like basically in a nutshell, it holds that sex can only happen between a man and a woman. Biological man, biological woman. Sex can only happen when they come together and decide to have intercourse to make a child.

• 57:34Matt McCusker?

  Right.

• 57:35Speaker 02

  That is sex.

• 57:36Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 57:37Speaker 02

  Anything other than that is not sex.

• 57:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  It is meta-sex. So once you step outside of that specific act, we're all in the same boat.

• 57:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 57:46Speaker 02

  We're all doing a deviant sexual act if we're not actively trying to conceive.

• 57:50Speaker 04

  So only two groups, the people that are having sex solely to procreate and everything else.

• 57:56Speaker 02

  Everything else is we're all together.

• 57:57Matt McCusker?

  Everything else is.

• 57:58Speaker 02

  So there's no homosexuals, there's no lesbians. We're just all meta-sexuals.

• 58:03Matt McCusker?

  That makes sense.

• 58:03Speaker 02

  Unless.

• 58:04Matt McCusker?

  We're conceiving.

• 58:05Speaker 02

  We're due that specific conceiving act.

• 58:07Matt McCusker?

  I like that. So you're saying you're just part of the non-conception?

• 58:11Speaker 02

  You're just part of like the pleasure dome.

• 58:14Speaker 02

  So there's no shame in any of it.

• 58:16Speaker 04

  Maybe they're saving that lesbian bar after all.

• 58:21Matt McCusker?

  True. You get the bros in there now, now that I know I can enter as a metasexual.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  So you basically you're leveling the kink playing field.

• 58:28Matt McCusker?

  Right.

• 58:28Speaker 02

  Where it's like, unless we're procreating, we're breaking the code of sex.

• 58:33Matt McCusker?

  We're all doing.

• 58:34Speaker 02

  So we're all in this together.

• 58:35Matt McCusker?

  That's fair.

• 58:37Speaker 02

  Dangerous game.

• 58:37Matt McCusker?

  About that.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  Dangerous game.

• 58:39Matt McCusker?

  You think that's dangerous? I think it's fair.

• 58:41Speaker 02

  I think it's unified.

• 58:41Speaker 04

  Could be nice.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  Where it's like, you're just like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool. You know?

• 58:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:46Speaker 02

  You're all just celebrating God's creation in various ways.

• 58:49Speaker 04

  Well, that'd be the ideal world, right? If there, if everything wasn't so categorized.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  That's what I'm saying. The categories are the problem.

• 58:57Speaker 04

  Right.

• 58:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, there's just pure conception and deviancy.

• 59:01Speaker 02

  It's deviancy in the mathematical sense that you're deviating from.

• 59:04Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 59:05Speaker 02

  The act. It's not deviancy in like.

• 59:06Speaker 04

  It's deviance.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  It's deviance.

• 59:09Matt McCusker?

  It's literally deviance. That's fair. I mean, yeah, if you're like a young college kid who's like, oh, I'm trying to get like my dick sucked or whatever. You're, it's the same thing as like a closeted gay dad jerking off to gay porn in the.

• 59:19Speaker 02

  100%. You're all doing the same thing.

• 59:21Matt McCusker?

  Whatever. Yeah.

• 59:21Speaker 04

  You're in the meta.

• 59:22Matt McCusker?

  That's good to know.

• 59:23Speaker 02

  You're in the metaverse.

• 59:24Matt McCusker?

  You're in the metaverse. You're being slightly deviant.

• 59:27Speaker 02

  So you lose all resistance to, I'm not saying you do anything.

• 59:31Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  You still follow your heart and do what's right to you.

• 59:34Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  But like, the rest of it all is just one lump of metasexuality that we all celebrate.

• 59:40Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 59:41Matt McCusker?

  It's kind of sick.

• 59:41Speaker 02

  It's kind of like a blow a pride week wide open and we're all out there like, isn't it sweet when we have sex when we come and we're not trying to have a kid?

• 59:47Matt McCusker?

  You should get a metasexual float at the pride parade.

• 59:53Speaker 02

  But so it shatters the categories of sexuality.

• 59:56Matt McCusker?

  That's kind of nice.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  We're all kind of doing the same thing.

• 59:59Matt McCusker?

  That's fair.

• 1:00:00Speaker 04

  I think that's a pretty cool idea.

• 1:00:01Speaker 02

  See, that's a good concept. I didn't come up with it. It was a thing I read.

• 1:00:05Matt McCusker?

  You're bringing it up.

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  I bring it back to like the public sphere.

• 1:00:07Matt McCusker?

  I mean, there's the writer, then there's the.

• 1:00:09Speaker 02

  It's true. It's true.

• 1:00:11Matt McCusker?

  What's one without the other?

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:00:14Matt McCusker?

  Hey, man. I got four hours of sleep last night. I'm fucking cooking right.

• 1:00:17Speaker 04

  I got like nine. Man, you are rested.

• 1:00:22Matt McCusker?

  I'm so tired. Also on Dylan, before we started, I'm just like a pair of like dead eyes and just like a chemically powered body right now.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  I'm getting like solid nine hour sleeps down here.

• 1:00:32Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I, I was on a nice streak and then I stepped out of the wicked nightlife last night and started.

• 1:00:37Speaker 02

  I haven't tasted any, I haven't tasted anything after sundown down here.

• 1:00:41Matt McCusker?

  I had a nice like two weeks of that, like in bed by nine 30, reading one of the Russian masters passing out.

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  It's kind of chill.

• 1:00:47Matt McCusker?

  It's the best, dude. I fucking am pissed when I, when I'm like, fuck, I gotta go do stand up and I gotta be out late at night. I'm like, I hate this. Once I'm on stage, obviously.

• 1:00:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're having a good time.

• 1:00:58Matt McCusker?

  I'm just part of, I'm just part of the night. And then I just, you know, I just feel the way I wake up that next morning, I go, I feel so wicked.

• 1:01:05Speaker 02

  You can't really sleep a little though, right?

• 1:01:07Matt McCusker?

  Not really. I got the gear to wake up. I wake up and if I do, I don't feel rested. If you go to bed late and still get like seven hours, you feel like shit when you wake up.

• 1:01:15Speaker 04

  That's what I'm saying. That's why I stayed up. It's like.

• 1:01:18Matt McCusker?

  That was the move.

• 1:01:19Speaker 02

  You can't. So what's your plan today? Have you got?

• 1:01:22Speaker 04

  I'm gonna make it till the next cycle.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  You're gonna.

• 1:01:26Matt McCusker?

  No, bro.

• 1:01:27Speaker 02

  Through.

• 1:01:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:28Matt McCusker?

  You're, there's no way you're just on coffee. What stim's you on right now?

• 1:01:31Speaker 04

  Literally coffee and nicotine.

• 1:01:34Matt McCusker?

  Coffee and nicotine. That's fucking sick.

• 1:01:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:36Speaker 02

  Why you crash for a couple hours?

• 1:01:37Speaker 04

  I can't go carb heavy today.

• 1:01:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:39Speaker 04

  A lot of protein.

• 1:01:40Matt McCusker?

  You want to.

• 1:01:41Speaker 04

  I want.

• 1:01:41Matt McCusker?

  When you're, when you're low on sleep, your body craves carbohydrates.

• 1:01:45Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:01:45Matt McCusker?

  That's a scientific fact.

• 1:01:46Speaker 04

  Exactly. I'm just gonna have to eat like whenever I want carbohydrates, quick, like eight eggs. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

• 1:01:53Matt McCusker?

  Boom.

• 1:01:54Speaker 04

  Then a, then a piece of toast.

• 1:01:55Matt McCusker?

  Why don't you take a nap?

• 1:01:56Speaker 02

  Take a nap.

• 1:01:57Matt McCusker?

  What the fuck? You can save yourself all your eggs and take a nap.

• 1:02:02Speaker 04

  Man.

• 1:02:03Matt McCusker?

  What do you got after this?

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  Taking a nap on this couch.

• 1:02:05Speaker 04

  I was thinking about making.

• 1:02:06Speaker 02

  Here.

• 1:02:09Speaker 02

  Put your head down.

• 1:02:10Speaker 04

  Temptress.

• 1:02:17Speaker 04

  What's that one lady's name? A side, the Odyssey, the Cyclone, whatever.

• 1:02:21Matt McCusker?

  Siren?

• 1:02:21Speaker 02

  Siren. No, I'm saying not even in a metasexual term.

• 1:02:26Matt McCusker?

  Brotherly, that's brotherly.

• 1:02:27Speaker 02

  It's like Forrest Gump and what's his name?

• 1:02:29Speaker 04

  I can't.

• 1:02:31Matt McCusker?

  That's agape. That's pure agape.

• 1:02:32Speaker 04

  I won't deviate. I just won't.

• 1:02:35Matt McCusker?

  That's wholesome.

• 1:02:36Speaker 04

  That's a whole.

• 1:02:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I know.

• 1:02:38Matt McCusker?

  That's why I like the Russian masters.

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  Me and Matt will talk quietly.

• 1:02:41Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:02:41Speaker 02

  We do this all the time.

• 1:02:44Matt McCusker?

  That's why I like the Russian masters. It's like you see your boy, you give him a big kiss, you hold his hand for a little bit and you talk, you're so excited to see him. Like one of the, one of the, the one book I just read, the guy is being tried for murder and they're like, yeah, we need all your clothes for evidence because it has blood on them. And he's like, bro, I'm not giving you my fucking, it's like, he's, you know, he's like an aristocrat and he's like, the fact that he has to wear someone else's clothes is like a life ending shame. He's like, bro.

• 1:03:09Speaker 02

  I would feel like that.

• 1:03:11Matt McCusker?

  To wear another man's clothes.

• 1:03:12Speaker 02

  You ever like sleep in like someone's bed?

• 1:03:14Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 1:03:14Speaker 02

  And you're kind of like.

• 1:03:15Matt McCusker?

  Sucks. I slept in Carl's bed, your roommate's bed the one time. He was gone.

• 1:03:19Speaker 02

  Oh, it's gnarly.

• 1:03:20Matt McCusker?

  Smell another guy and I was just like, bro, this is not it.

• 1:03:23Speaker 02

  Well, you go, you can like sleep upstairs, even like, like hotels, I have no problem with because it's like anonymous.

• 1:03:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:28Speaker 02

  But like, if I'm like at someone's house and they're like, oh, I haven't done this in years, but they go so and so's, I hear you guys can just like sleep in his bed. I'm always like.

• 1:03:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:35Speaker 02

  Well, girl's bed, I have no problem.

• 1:03:37Matt McCusker?

  Obviously.

• 1:03:38Speaker 02

  I love sleeping in like, if it's like a, a good, I just tried to explain it to Dana the other day. She was giving Mac our time about like not keeping his bed straight. I was just like, Dana, like, he's not gonna keep his bed straight.

• 1:03:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:50Speaker 02

  And if he does, he'll never get laid. I was like, what girl wants to like have a boyfriend who's like bitching about the fitted sheet? I was like, you gotta set it up. So like when he discovers girl beds, he starts to auto correct and that'll come in like his twenties.

• 1:04:04Matt McCusker?

  That's true.

• 1:04:05Speaker 02

  But like, you can't raise him to be like, eh, like.

• 1:04:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:10Speaker 02

  Bitching about like the duvet cover. Like he's never.

• 1:04:12Matt McCusker?

  He shouldn't even know what that is.

• 1:04:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'm like, bro, let him sleep like a while, man.

• 1:04:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:16Speaker 02

  Sometime around like 23, 24, he'll like, you know, start realizing like, oh, like girl beds are the way.

• 1:04:22Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  And then still like, if I'm left to my own devices, it's like bare mattress.

• 1:04:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:27Speaker 02

  Like folded up sheet for my pillow, my pillows on the crown. Like I cannot keep a bed.

• 1:04:31Matt McCusker?

  I didn't know people wash their sheets until I was like.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  I thought that was like spring cleaning shit.

• 1:04:36Matt McCusker?

  Didn't know. I, I didn't know you'd wash. I didn't know it was like a thing you did. I thought that was just your bed.

• 1:04:40Speaker 02

  It was like your couch.

• 1:04:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, exactly. I was like, it's a piece of furniture. Didn't know you wash sheets.

• 1:04:46Speaker 02

  I had no idea. I had no idea. I just never fucking thought about it.

• 1:04:49Matt McCusker?

  No, why would you?

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  I just feel like, oh, fuck.

• 1:04:51Matt McCusker?

  I would get in my bed sweaty, like I'd be like running full speed and just hit the sheets.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  Hit the bed.

• 1:04:56Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I'll sleep with like my fucking mouth is open and then you just wake up and your pillow is just like.

• 1:05:02Matt McCusker?

  Hot, re-drool.

• 1:05:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:04Speaker 02

  I'll flip it over 30 times.

• 1:05:06Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 1:05:06Speaker 02

  But I was like, dude, you have to let him keep like a wild nest in some degree.

• 1:05:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:11Speaker 02

  Or he's gonna turn into like, like a serious dude.

• 1:05:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:16Speaker 02

  And I'm like, I can't, I won't be able to help him.

• 1:05:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. He, he doesn't need to be bouncing a quarter off the sheets right now. Like, yeah, I completely agree with that. And you gotta let, that's, and that's a babe doing her thing.

• 1:05:26Speaker 02

  That's also, I was like, Dana, like, what would you do if you had a boyfriend that was like bitching about the bedding? Like, don't you think he'd kind of like?

• 1:05:33Matt McCusker?

  What'd she say?

• 1:05:34Speaker 02

  She was like, you're right, but like, I can't have him be an animal. Like you have to like nudge him.

• 1:05:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  So that someday when some girl shows him like a nice bed, he like remembers his mother's voice.

• 1:05:44Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:05:45Speaker 02

  You can't just raise him to be like a clean, nice.

• 1:05:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:49Speaker 02

  Bed. I'm like, it's just not happy. Genetically, it's impossible.

• 1:05:52Matt McCusker?

  Also, yeah, for sure.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  I was like, it's just not like.

• 1:05:55Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 1:05:55Speaker 02

  I'll, I won't be able to guide him any longer.

• 1:05:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:05:58Speaker 02

  That kind of terrifies me to think of him turning into like a serious dude and like dating. I'm like, dude, you're on your own.

• 1:06:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  How these guys had ever done it. I don't know. Like.

• 1:06:09Matt McCusker?

  I do. I think about it all the time. I, I get freaked out by serious dudes.

• 1:06:12Speaker 02

  I always think like, like you like take a girl to dinner somewhere and then you start talking about like the school district and like the rental properties or like, I might buy someplace here and like turn it into an Airbnb.

• 1:06:22Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I, I've been in a, I got my haircut, not recently. I just got my haircut yesterday, but I've, I've got my haircut before years ago and I would watch serious dudes being like, I'm actually on the board. It's just like, dude, shut the fuck up. Nobody cares.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  But that's how they spit game. When they like go out on dates, I'm assuming they're like, you know, like I'm thinking about getting some rental properties.

• 1:06:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:45Speaker 02

  Uh, Tulsa, Alabama.

• 1:06:48Matt McCusker?

  It's pure status games and that, that's a, that's a, that's a death sentence.

• 1:06:52Speaker 02

  But I mean, it might work for some dudes, but like, I'm not gonna be able to guide my son if he enters that realm of.

• 1:06:57Speaker 04

  It's a different language completely.

• 1:06:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:59Speaker 04

  In body and spirit.

• 1:07:02Matt McCusker?

  Really is.

• 1:07:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:03Matt McCusker?

  I mean, you're almost a robot at that point where you're just, you're like, you need enough tokens to play the game. You're like, I've fed the proper tokens and if you'd like to take my hand in marriage.

• 1:07:11Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:07:12Matt McCusker?

  It's fucked up.

• 1:07:13Speaker 04

  How do you talk to that guy?

• 1:07:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I, I, you just have to be on that wavelength, really.

• 1:07:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:18Matt McCusker?

  But I, I, I've, I kind of, I was listening to the guy do it and I was like, bro.

• 1:07:23Speaker 02

  I just got out because that's like most like zero to six kid parties.

• 1:07:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:27Speaker 02

  You just like pull up and couples are like, oh, you know, we did a, you know, we did a Kadia last year. This year we're thinking about doing like, you know, Everglades and you're like.

• 1:07:35Speaker 04

  I never thought about that. You guys have to like adapt to other adults because of your children.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  You do up to a point and then it's either like sink or, either that's why you're a host.

• 1:07:46Matt McCusker?

  It's like, yeah, I'm a classic romantic. I'm a classical romantic. Honestly, I've always have been. So. Classic romantic, just jesting, merriment, eating food and be like.

• 1:07:57Speaker 02

  You're a jester maxer.

• 1:07:58Matt McCusker?

  I'm a jester maxer. I'm basically jester maxer.

• 1:08:00Speaker 02

  JM and.

• 1:08:02Matt McCusker?

  Well, I've, most people down here.

• 1:08:04Speaker 02

  That one stung. When I found out jester maxing was a thing, I was like, fuck, you got me.

• 1:08:07Matt McCusker?

  Fuck, yeah. It sucks when they little kids on the internet completely pin you down.

• 1:08:11Speaker 02

  Pin you down.

• 1:08:12Speaker 04

  Is that a real thing or?

• 1:08:13Speaker 02

  Jester maxing is like dudes that like try to be funny to attract women.

• 1:08:17Speaker 04

  Ah, fuck.

• 1:08:18Matt McCusker?

  Which is apparently, I mean, what else? Yeah. But it's also like you're a jester.

• 1:08:22Speaker 02

  Well, you become jester goon too. That's if you jester max so hard that you like start being a goofy boy all the time.

• 1:08:31Speaker 02

  It's like the dudes who show up to parties with like funny outfits and they're like.

• 1:08:34Matt McCusker?

  Oh, God. Yeah.

• 1:08:37Speaker 02

  You've taken it past the romantic thing of like, I'm gonna charm this woman through humor to like my identity.

• 1:08:41Matt McCusker?

  You're jester good.

• 1:08:42Speaker 02

  The goofy man.

• 1:08:43Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  Start jester gooning.

• 1:08:45Matt McCusker?

  Ah, fuck.

• 1:08:45Speaker 02

  It's a dangerous balance.

• 1:08:47Matt McCusker?

  It is. That's, I never thought about that.

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  You find yourself slipping into it and it's like, gotta come back from it.

• 1:08:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Jester goon is tough. Yeah, everyone knows. Everyone's, I've seen a lot of people fall into the.

• 1:08:58Speaker 02

  It's like the guy that like wears like a Hawaiian shirt to the office and like a visor and he's like, oh.

• 1:09:05Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:09:06Speaker 04

  It's like the antithesis of that serious guy that you're talking about.

• 1:09:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's like other web. Yeah.

• 1:09:12Matt McCusker?

  I would say it's a serious guy trying to be funny. A lot of, if you're a serious guy trying to be funny, you might slip into a jester goon territory. That's, that's a clear pathway.

• 1:09:21Speaker 04

  Fuck.

• 1:09:21Matt McCusker?

  Like this is a funny hat, therefore if I wear it, I'll be funny.

• 1:09:25Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:09:27Matt McCusker?

  It all checks out. The logic's clear.

• 1:09:29Speaker 02

  This is trending.

• 1:09:32Matt McCusker?

  But hey, man, that's, that's some people's, that's some people's deal. You know, they look at me and say, that guy's a fucking mess. And it's, I am, but I'm a beautiful mess.

• 1:09:40Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 1:09:41Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 1:09:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man. Dude, Dylan, we hit the hour, man. We, we've literally filled our quota. I'm gonna slip into the motherfucking Patreon. So.

• 1:09:51Speaker 02

  I'm gonna take a piss.

• 1:09:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, let's piss and maybe we'll rip it up. See what you're doing. If you got the energy, rip it up.

• 1:09:55Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:09:56Matt McCusker?

  Keep it, keep it going. Thank you, guys. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:10:04Speaker 06

  Do it.

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