Ep 564 - Cuddle Puddle (feat. James McCann, Tim Butterly, & Egan Robinson)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Jim @ ⁠https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann⁠ Support Tim @ ⁠https://www.patreon.com/timbutterly⁠ Follow Egan @eganism @egan_robinson Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See James Live @ https://www.jdfmccann.com/gigs Yo0o0o0o0o. wutz good every buddy. Hope you're all having a good week. The Kahuna's away on biz but we're still in his home. We got new Texas resident Timmy b, Egg, and Jimmy this week. Smokin hot cast. Please enjoy. God Bless you all. Get DUDE Wipes at Amazon and retailers nationwide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:02Matt McCusker?

  Dude, oh, can we start over? My voice cracked, dude.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Leave it in.

• 0:06Matt McCusker?

  Hey.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  Hey, guys.

• 0:09Matt McCusker?

  Hey, guys. Um, thank you, guys. Thanks for coming, man.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  Thanks for having me.

• 0:13Matt McCusker?

  Thank you for coming. I, um, yeah, I did wear a tank top. I wasn't, you know, it's not like a thing. I'm just trying to.

• 0:19Speaker 02

  I had a mog on us.

• 0:20Matt McCusker?

  I'm not mugging at all. I really, I'm humbly asking for notes from the viewership.

• 0:24Speaker 03

  You're doing nothing to question the rumors.

• 0:26Matt McCusker?

  You guys, I need to work on, just let me know, you know? Arnold used to wear belly shirts when he was bulking, just to give himself the motivation.

• 0:33Speaker 02

  Is that like it cuts off like right here?

• 0:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 0:35Speaker 02

  Oh, that's kind of nice.

• 0:36Speaker 00

  I think laid back jacked is such a statement that it's almost overpowering how nonchalant you're trying to be about it.

• 0:43Speaker 03

  I saw you at the pool two weeks ago. Your back is out of control.

• 0:49Matt McCusker?

  You serious?

• 0:49Speaker 03

  You've got a huge muscular back. Everybody noticed that you turned around. People I was with said, oh.

• 0:55Matt McCusker?

  It's from carrying, it's from carrying this goddamn podcast.

• 0:59Speaker 03

  I don't even think they knew about comedy. People were going, you know, a guy with a big back?

• 1:03Matt McCusker?

  You serious? I never, I never got to check my back. Is it going like Cobra, like Cobra style or like?

• 1:09Speaker 03

  No one's sponta, I've seen earlier pictures of you. No one accidentally gets a huge ripped back.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  You're like a manta ray, you're like a manta ray back there.

• 1:16Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I swear to God. It's just Maka. My stack is just Maka and Sheila G.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  Yo, I just, I just got on the G today.

• 1:22Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 1:22Speaker 02

  The first time. It's gross. It tastes nasty.

• 1:25Matt McCusker?

  It's like, it's like scary how bad it is.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Well, I was sniffing, I got it also from like a sketchy like, like online web store. And so I was like, I don't even know, it's just like a black, like tar in a, I don't even know what it is. I'm like, it smells like gross.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  Like, I guess I put it in water and just drink it, but it was really nasty.

• 1:44Matt McCusker?

  It's gross. You gotta kind of put it in coffee, I feel like.

• 1:46Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah. It said to put it in milk. People put it in milk. I was like, that sounds like a weird combo.

• 1:51Matt McCusker?

  I've tried to put it right under my tongue and it's just like.

• 1:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, me and the guys at the gym, we just go raw.

• 1:56Matt McCusker?

  You've load maxed for a while.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  Oh, is that why you're doing it for load maxing?

• 2:00Matt McCusker?

  I'm just going just kind of male enhancement all around.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm going.

• 2:04Speaker 03

  Did you say big come supplement?

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, zinc, African, L, arginine.

• 2:09Matt McCusker?

  Arginine.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  And I'm doing two more that I forget the name of.

• 2:12Matt McCusker?

  Are you still LM?

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I haven't since I started the move, but yeah, I was doing it for about a month or two.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  I don't understand.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:18Speaker 02

  What's, what's like the ideal amount of time to like load max before it's like now I'm gonna let the load out like, you know, it's.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  I'd say you're probably not gonna see any results until like, uh, like probably a week or two in.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Like the first day you take it, it's like, who gives a fuck? And then like two weeks in, you're just like, I can never go back. And then you fall off one day and you go, I'll get back to it. And then you never take it again. And then all the supplements expire in your cabinet. But you did get that one time.

• 2:42Matt McCusker?

  Experience with load.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  You did get that one time. Yeah, you kind of like, I don't, it's not sustainable. You're not gonna be impressed by your load, cause then you're just like, well, now I need to go bigger.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  I did, I just raised the bar, I raised the bar for your load. Is the secret to having a large amount of ejaculate not just to wait a couple of days? If you just wait a couple of days, don't you have a lot of?

• 3:01Matt McCusker?

  You has time.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  But if you do both of those things in conjunction, then.

• 3:04Speaker 03

  Every day a huge gushing.

• 3:07Matt McCusker?

  Not every day. You, you save it for like this. This is what I do now. I just go like, I've started telling my wife, I've, I've talked about this before, but it's like, I have completely lifted my off, my like sexual offense has, I've, I've retired it completely.

• 3:22Speaker 03

  You're playing a defensive game now?

• 3:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, no, I just, I'm, I tell her like, look, I'm just here. I'm not gonna pressure you about it. I was like, I'm trying to retain. If you need to break the glass, you go right ahead, but try not to do it more than once a week.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  And now is this having the reverse psychological effect that you're hoping it does? Or are you just withering away?

• 3:42Matt McCusker?

  No, dude, I'm just retaining seed and just getting.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  That's what's up. That's what's up. I'm, I'm, I'm full, the full year.

• 3:48Matt McCusker?

  Are you?

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Not, not a full year, but since I haven't, I haven't jaded off since 2024 because I, I love to tell people like, oh, you jerk off. That's so 2024.

• 3:57Matt McCusker?

  So you're, you've been off the nog since.

• 4:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:00Matt McCusker?

  2024.

• 4:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've been off the nog, off, uh, no porn, no Jane, off.

• 4:05Matt McCusker?

  No PMO.

• 4:06Speaker 02

  What's PMO?

• 4:07Matt McCusker?

  Porn masturbation orgasm.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  Definitely been off of that. But I will say the amount that I think about it.

• 4:12Matt McCusker?

  I thought it was pissed me off. My daughter's been saying PMO all the time. That's what she means? She keeps saying TSPMO and now, now I'm rethinking everything. This shit pissed me off.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Oh, it's probably, oh shit, piss me off.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  I thought transsexual masturbation. TS should be transsexual, huh?

• 4:31Speaker 03

  Transsexual pornography masturbation orgasm.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  You might wanna dig in. I went wrong somewhere, maybe six years ago.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  No, we'll be okay.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  But yeah, I'm so far past, I don't even, I mean, I think about it.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  You ever feel the urge? You ever feel the pull?

• 4:46Speaker 02

  Just constantly. Well, it's really mainly like, it is kinda nice, cause I feel the urge only when I'm in my apartment not doing anything. Cause it's literally just an indication that I should go out and do something. But only when I'm like, yeah, when I'm just like wallowing away. Yeah, yeah.

• 5:01Speaker 03

  Oh, the hotel rooms on the road are very scary, yeah.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  I just download, I just download like a dating app and just swipe to see like, is someone sexually interested in me at all? I'm like, it's, yeah, it's crazy. I'm just like basically gooning on Tinder, just like, oh, who wants to fuck me?

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Well, that's what I was gonna ask. If you're, if you're completely resisting the urge, what are, what are your, uh, social media algorithms looking like?

• 5:19Speaker 02

  So I have been, I will say, I'm the type of guy that I have been slowly like unfollowing like any kinda like hot girl account. And then if anyone even posts anything that has like, like a girl in like a bikini or anything, I'm just like, I don't need to see this filth on my timeline. I just unfollow it. So it's, it's a lot more, it's basically my, my algorithm is all just like, just like anime videos, like Catholic bullshit, basically.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  I was, I was following no fly honeys and the algorithm found me out.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, they, they send salvos into your timeline all the time.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  But I found you can reset it. You can fully default.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  What's no fly honey? What is, what is that?

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Hmm? I wasn't following any fly honeys on my Instagram.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  I thought you were my babes are gonna get off the ground. I'm like, that's fucking sick. So you have no fly babes?

• 6:02Speaker 03

  No, but then the algorithm still goes, you've lingered on this, you like, obviously you like this and then it increases. But I found you can, you can do a hard reset on it, where you go, just take me back to day one of the algorithm before you knew anything about me.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  You're throwing the baby out with the bathwater then.

• 6:15Speaker 03

  I was getting, uh, women making sourdough with huge breasts.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  And, uh.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Wow, that's crazy. We were just watching that on panties in the mouth.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  I mean, it's.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, there, there was like porn warmup girls. I'm always kind of like.

• 6:29Matt McCusker?

  Sketched out like is it like, do they stop? Is that like a woman dipping her toe in like sexual entertainment like?

• 6:35Speaker 02

  Oh, on my Instagram and stuff?

• 6:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the ones who aren't doing like porn or OnlyFans. Yes, digital fluffers.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  But sometimes they're like-

• 6:41Speaker 03

  It's still part of the ecosystem of the flesh.

• 6:44Speaker 02

  I feel like they make like soft like-

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Big ecosystem.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:46Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 6:47Speaker 03

  I think they, yeah, they're trying to butter you up. They're trying to calm you down. Trying to go, this is all right. All that gets you going. They know. They're trying to,

• 6:55Speaker 03

  I believe, on X, I had to get off the X, because then-

• 6:58Speaker 02

  That's all porn.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  It was, it was all porn, but then I would find that at other times when I was, I think they geo-tag it as well. I noticed the algorithm was different. When I was out and about in public, I was getting different things recommended to when I was alone in a room. Yes.

• 7:12Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean? You're just walking down the street. You're like, fuck, it's changing.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  No, I was like, there's nothing erotic here.

• 7:18Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 7:18Speaker 03

  This is nice. And then I was alone in a room and it was very erotic and I, they know where I am and they-

• 7:24Matt McCusker?

  You might just be in a room getting horny too, though. To be fair, you could be right. You could be right, but that could be, I, I know that, because I get in a hotel room and I'm like, I look like Britney Spears from like an early music video. I'm just laying on the bed like, ah.

• 7:38Speaker 02

  I'm just gyrating my hips on the bed. I'm bound in chains.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  Feel the emotions.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  Like, the algorithm's crazy right now.

• 7:46Speaker 03

  I did, I've bought a new phone though. I'm trying again with a dumb phone.

• 7:49Matt McCusker?

  Oh, really?

• 7:50Speaker 03

  I've got the minimalist phone. It's a normal Chrome phone.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  It's like a flip?

• 7:53Speaker 03

  No, this, it just has an e-reader Kindle screen. So you can do everything on it, but it looks terrible. It's black and white.

• 7:59Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna text you eight oh oh eight five.

• 8:05Matt McCusker?

  That's not bad. You're going for the, uh, kind of like somewhat dumb phone, but it'll, it'll give you maps and stuff, though?

• 8:11Speaker 03

  Maps, Uber, Spotify.

• 8:14Matt McCusker?

  That's all you need.

• 8:14Speaker 03

  And then I think I'm safe. And then I think I can just live a normal life in the world.

• 8:18Matt McCusker?

  Set of grayscale tits and it's gonna change everything. Now you're gonna be like, oh, I'm gonna get a fucking-

• 8:22Speaker 03

  But I'll be chasing that in real life. I'll start wearing weird glasses in the bedroom.

• 8:26Matt McCusker?

  Start getting Etch A Sketches shipped from Vietnam.

• 8:30Matt McCusker?

  You have an artist down there. You got a plug down there.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  Hello. No, it's my egg rolls.

• 8:35Matt McCusker?

  Oh, your egg rolls. Hell, yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 8:37Matt McCusker?

  Timeout. Paul's the podcast. We got, finally got your egg rolls.

• 8:40Speaker 03

  No, no, I can wait. I can hold off. I can delay gratification. If you can go without ejaculating in almost a year, then I can.

• 8:47Matt McCusker?

  You have, you're soft mode, basically.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  What's, what's soft?

• 8:49Matt McCusker?

  Soft mode is when a woman can get it out of you.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Oh, no. So I'm, I'm trying to do, I'm hard mode. I mean, I'm the hard all the time mode, basically. But, uh, I, um- Yeah, I'm trying to be, cause I'm trying to be like a good like Catholic, good Catholic man.

• 9:04Matt McCusker?

  Desert, I would say desert Catholic.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  Desert, yeah, I'm like a desert, yeah, desert father right now, just fucking, just, just in my exodus, just roaming around the desert getting lost.

• 9:12Speaker 03

  You're getting jacked as well.

• 9:14Speaker 02

  What? Oh, yeah, yeah, I thought you meant I was getting, no, I'm not, I'm, I'm kidding. I've been.

• 9:20Speaker 03

  You gotta get jacked one way or the other.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Dude, well, that's the thing, I've been trying to like.

• 9:22Matt McCusker?

  My back is just full of fucking cum.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  What's your secret? I was like, well, you gotta, you gotta not jerk off for six months, that you start there.

• 9:33Speaker 04

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• 10:15Speaker 04

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• 10:21Speaker 04

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• 10:30Speaker 02

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• 10:36Matt McCusker?

  What do you, what do you do if you're walking down the street and you see like an attractive woman?

• 10:39Speaker 02

  I just fall in love immediately.

• 10:42Matt McCusker?

  I have a giant heart pounding out of my chest, my tongue unrolls and God forbid I'm wearing glasses because those eyeballs are.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Shoot through and break.

• 10:51Matt McCusker?

  I've, I've read you're, you're supposed to from desert Catholic training. You're supposed to just see them and as soon as you feel your like body chemistry change, you just wish them the best. You go, I just really hope she has a good life.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Just like sailing a hail mary in my brain. It's like, I can't think of her like that.

• 11:06Speaker 03

  The two, I think it's two monks walking along and the old monk and the young monk. And they see a beautiful woman and the young monk shields his eyes and looks away. And the old monk is able to look at her and the young monk's like, oh, you're, are you a pervert? You're able to look at a woman? And the old monk's like, I'm so ordered. I'm able to look at a woman and just move on with my day. I don't have to hate myself. I don't have to hate God's beautiful creation and that woman's huge lovely breasts.

• 11:31Matt McCusker?

  Well, that was Gandhi's move.

• 11:32Speaker 02

  That's what I do when I see women. I'm like, I'm so ordered. I don't even think you're hot.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  Gandhi was sleeping in a bed with girls.

• 11:39Matt McCusker?

  Sleeping in a bed with young, uh, concubines, I guess, cause he could avoid the temptation. He never even tried it. He was like nieces. Yeah. It's, you know, you, you had to take what you get, work what you got. Small village, yeah. For sure. I heard Gandhi did that. Yeah. He would lay in bed and not do anything.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  Oh, just cuddle puddle?

• 11:54Matt McCusker?

  Cuddle puddle.

• 11:56Matt McCusker?

  He probably went arms at his sides completely rigid, just like, I'm not even, I don't even feel anything about this. I don't feel your flesh on me.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  Gandhi, we need you to write legislation for the country. You've got a job to do. No, I'm have to be in the bed with the nieces.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  Just starving, starving in a cuddle puddle.

• 12:13Matt McCusker?

  I mean, zooming out, you know, he didn't know people would know about that. He was just, it was just right. How old was he when he did that? That's the question. He was older, right?

• 12:22Speaker 03

  Well, when he was younger, I think his, I might get this wrong. I think his father died and he was having sex with his wife at the time. Like he was meant to be in there with his dad, but he said, oh, I might have sex with my wife and then go and visit dad. But first sex with the wife and then he died and he felt so ashamed that he stopped, uh.

• 12:40Matt McCusker?

  Oh, his father died and he.

• 12:41Speaker 03

  Yeah. Like it was some, something like he could have seen his father one more time if only he hadn't.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  Lane, that was why I never jacked on holidays as a child because I thought my grandparents were going to die on a holiday on like Thanksgiving or something. And it would be like, oh, man, I, I, God was busy watching me jack off instead of saving my grandmother's life for Thanksgiving dinner.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 13:04Speaker 00

  So I avoided it every single time. And then eventually, eventually I broke and then it was just every day for the rest of my life.

• 13:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I used to torture myself over the Easter beat. That was the one that like really I would, I'd be like, come on, dude, don't do it. And it was just, I'd be on autopilot with the Kohl's catalog bra section like, forgive me, father.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  And it's also rough because then you actually have to go to like mass and be like, I just.

• 13:27Matt McCusker?

  I was post mass. I used to get torqued at Easter mass, like wildly so. It was crazy.

• 13:34Speaker 02

  See everybody in their Sunday's best. You're like, oh my God, I'm so horny.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Spring has sprung, yeah. Hair styles, you know, the girls are trying out new, new looks that you don't, not really getting in the class.

• 13:44Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I mean genetically, I was a pagan. I was just the goddess Freya, dude, was just.

• 13:48Speaker 03

  You're really interpreting it's Ostaf, you're having the full pagan fertility festival.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  What's Ostaf?

• 13:54Speaker 03

  Ostaf was the, was the.

• 13:56Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:57Speaker 03

  Once a original, but that's the, that's like, that's all, whenever Dan Brown's like, and did you know that Easter was actually a sex festival? Hmm, it was called Ostaf and the Vikings.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  I don't like that at all. I don't believe that.

• 14:09Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  Neither.

• 14:11Matt McCusker?

  The Aphrodite shit is crazy, the Temple of Aphrodite.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  I don't know anything about the Temple of Aphrodite.

• 14:15Matt McCusker?

  It was, uh, fuck, when, it was like around the time when Paul was riding around being like, trying to get everyone to become Christians.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  Oh, he was sending his letters?

• 14:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, when he sent all his, his epistles and, uh, and they were like, he's like, come to a church with us. And they had, there was one place, I forget where it was, but they were like, we have a temple that just sells meat. And then there's just, it was like literally OnlyFans in real life.

• 14:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:37Matt McCusker?

  It would just be a temple of maidens.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  This is a big thing in the ancient world was the priestess whore.

• 14:42Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 14:43Speaker 03

  Because I know in Gilgamesh, they, there's the, ah, this might not be exciting.

• 14:47Speaker 00

  No, I like to hear it. I'm all ears.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Gilgamesh is too powerful and the gods want to crush him. So they sent for him a, uh, I think his name is Eridu or something, but he's a big hairy guy. Who's crazy and and he's the whole town is ruined by this hairy man who's meant to get in Gilgamesh's way is too powerful. It's a very strange introduction to the story. But then the townspeople get together and they go, take him to the priestess hooker.

• 15:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the slut place.

• 15:12Speaker 03

  And he'll have sex with her and then he'll be civilized because he'll be ashamed from having.

• 15:16Speaker 02

  Oh, the the hairy guy will be.

• 15:17Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 15:18Speaker 02

  Oh, he loses his.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  And then he comes and then immediately he goes, oh, what have I been doing? I gotta get my life together. And that's the start of the epic of Gilgamesh.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  He lost his strength.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  But that they would the strip club and the temple were one.

• 15:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 15:31Speaker 03

  Which also at a strip club, that is the vibe of the men. At a woman's strip club, everyone's hooting and hollering and they're going woo and they're trying to bite people. And in a men's strip club, usually of just very sad, lonely guys sitting there alone staring into.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  The temple of the flesh.

• 15:47Speaker 03

  Oblivion. Yes.

• 15:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. That's true. And it's a lot more reverent, I would say, except. Yeah, but then you get like when you're throwing money at them, I guess, I don't know.

• 15:55Speaker 03

  Different races, different strip clubs, I would say would be it.

• 15:59Matt McCusker?

  You never you never tossed bills?

• 16:01Speaker 03

  Oh, no. In Australia, we don't.

• 16:02Speaker 02

  That's a regular.

• 16:03Matt McCusker?

  Really? Yeah, that's pretty regular. That's America. I mean, you I'm, you know, sorry.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  We don't have dollar bills might be a big difference. Throwing a big fiver is.

• 16:14Speaker 03

  How long am I going to be here for? It sounds like. I've got college tuition to prepare for.

• 16:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we threw we threw money. I saw someone throw a quarter at a stripper's butthole one time. That was you getting coins are like no go.

• 16:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 16:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you get in trouble for that.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  I I had a dark time back when I was like a wee lad. I used to I did the the fold on the on the.

• 16:36Speaker 02

  They clap their ass cheek and fucking.

• 16:37Matt McCusker?

  You laid a little mousetrap.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  The mousetrap. Dude, the whole time the DJ was like, yo, give it up for Bieber.

• 16:46Matt McCusker?

  Hold on. So you would put it on your face.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  Full. I'd go to Lipsticks, three X's Lipsticks and then.

• 16:51Matt McCusker?

  You're just trying to catch you're trying to catch the snail.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Catch it with their ass.

• 16:55Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  I just got fucking pink eyes or something.

• 16:58Speaker 03

  What does that sound like a talent?

• 17:00Matt McCusker?

  You're playing like claw game.

• 17:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, but they're very accurate claw game.

• 17:04Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. And the prize was pink.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  Did you ever go to Thailand?

• 17:09Speaker 02

  No.

• 17:10Matt McCusker?

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• 17:12Speaker 04

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• 17:13Matt McCusker?

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• 17:30Matt McCusker?

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• 17:49Speaker 04

  Incredible.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Or to Japan, or to Japan only.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  I'll never make it to Thailand. There's nothing taking me to Thailand.

• 17:54Matt McCusker?

  Why are you trying to go to a pervert country?

• 17:56Speaker 03

  No, just I always wonder about the, you know, people have, and the whole bird came out of there. You know, the Thai sex, you know, the Thai, they have the weird sex show. Maybe this is just the thing we know about in Australia because that's where everybody goes. But in Thailand, that's where, that's the spot. Lady shooting ping pong balls and having live creatures come out of her.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  I've been to one of those.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  You know about that stuff?

• 18:15Speaker 02

  In like Amsterdam.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  What's the other thing about Thailand that people want to go for? Because that seems to be it.

• 18:20Speaker 03

  Ah, the monarchy, the beautiful monarchy that we all love so much. Great rock and roll music of the late 60s, early 70s.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Australia, yeah, you guys are close to Thailand, so that's where you guys go.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  It's where a lot of our more digest, sometimes though, often in Australia, there's a man who loves going to Thailand. Because you guys who gap years and stuff. Yeah, but you'll know a guy at the office always. You'll be working somewhere and there's a guy who just goes to Thailand twice a year.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  And is everybody suspicious of him?

• 18:44Speaker 03

  Twice a year, he's in Thailand. He's like, I'm going back to Thailand. There are comedians who are like, I can't wait to get back. I'm, I start, I do my podcast in Thailand all the time.

• 18:51Speaker 00

  It's frowned, it's frowned upon in America. If you know anyone who goes to Thailand, it's kind of.

• 18:54Matt McCusker?

  Kind of like.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  If you're not Thai, if you are Thai, fine, you're allowed to go back to Thailand. If you're white and going to Thailand.

• 19:02Matt McCusker?

  You gotta get over there so people can fuck you.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  Once every four years is the absolute maximum, I think.

• 19:07Matt McCusker?

  Four years?

• 19:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're right. Once every, you got one trip, full stop.

• 19:10Matt McCusker?

  I'll never, I'll never go there.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, I can compensate if I'm gonna go to Thailand.

• 19:14Matt McCusker?

  There or Dubai. My wife's trying to go to Dubai and I was like, Brittany, I'll never, ever go to fucking Dubai in my life.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  Just hang out with some sheiks.

• 19:22Matt McCusker?

  I just have no interest. I'm like, it's like Atlantic City run by Muslims. And then it's like, I'm gonna, I'll get arrested if I have a vape pen in my.

• 19:29Speaker 00

  It's like Atlantic City, 15 years in the future.

• 19:34Matt McCusker?

  Well, it's also like, then if I have a vape cartridge in my bag, I'll go to jail for seven years. It's like, yeah, bro, no fucking thanks.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  I mean, you think Brittany will, uh, observe enough, enough decorum so that she doesn't end up in like an underground prison?

• 19:48Matt McCusker?

  She'll be like that lady. Do you remember that one Muslim lady in Pakistan? Remember that lady in Pakistan?

• 19:54Speaker 02

  What happened?

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Some black lady tried to take over Pakistan for a hundred thousand dollars.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 20:00Matt McCusker?

  You didn't see that video?

• 20:01Speaker 02

  She tried to take it on.

• 20:03Matt McCusker?

  There were just a black lady in Pakistan.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  She got catfished all the way to Pakistan and then showed up and did like a press conference that made like national news and she said, I need the government to give me a hundred thousand dollars. The roads aren't paved. I don't know if I've seen a bathroom since I got here. I'm gonna fix this. Y'all need to give me the money. And, uh, I think she disappeared for a while after that.

• 20:23Matt McCusker?

  I haven't seen or heard from her, yeah.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  They just like stoned her.

• 20:26Speaker 00

  It was a failed campaign.

• 20:27Speaker 03

  Didn't want to solve the problem.

• 20:28Matt McCusker?

  Someone must have got, I think Beyonce went over there and rescued her.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  They sent the, uh, Brittany Griner Defense Force to extract her.

• 20:37Matt McCusker?

  I did see, uh, in the clip, the Pakistani dudes were kind of laughing. I didn't know if they'd be like spazzing. You could see them in there like.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  They thought she was playing.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  Wait, did she want the money to fix the country for them? Or as we can

• 20:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, she said, you give it to me, I'll make it happen.

• 20:54Matt McCusker?

  I, yeah, I think she wanted money too. She, I think she was wanting for herself too.

• 20:59Speaker 00

  I'll pay myself out, but then I'll pave all the roads and, uh, I don't know.

• 21:04Speaker 02

  And then I'll have eighty thousand left for me.

• 21:06Matt McCusker?

  She needed like three grand a week, I think she wanted. She was like, I want three grand a week. And then maybe I think it was like, all right, give me a fucking love song.

• 21:12Speaker 00

  I could fix Pakistan for three grand a week, I think.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Also, can anyone just like have a press conference? It's like, it just, I need to call a press conference in Pakistan.

• 21:19Matt McCusker?

  It was just a, they had a black lady wilding out. I don't think they've ever had a black lady wilding out in Pakistan.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  So we're gonna put her on the news. This is crazy.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  It's just insane.

• 21:28Matt McCusker?

  I mean, you know what the divorce rate is in Pakistan?

• 21:30Speaker 02

  No.

• 21:30Matt McCusker?

  It's like zero, one or zero percent.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  Respect.

• 21:33Matt McCusker?

  That's at least my Uber driver told me that.

• 21:35Speaker 03

  I think that's not true.

• 21:37Matt McCusker?

  I swear to God, dude.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  Isn't it? Cause in Islam, it's usually very easy to get a divorce.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, they do like one hour divorce and then you go back.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  In Iran.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  I thought, are they not able to have multiple? Is that another thing that they do?

• 21:47Matt McCusker?

  You can. You gotta afford, you gotta prove you can afford them.

• 21:50Speaker 03

  And you are not allowed to have a threesome, I found out. The wives are not allowed to be in a bedroom together and they get you on different days. So if you have two wives, you get to pick a four day a week wife and a three day a week wife.

• 22:01Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 22:01Speaker 03

  And it's a split marriage.

• 22:02Matt McCusker?

  Wait, you can't mix wives?

• 22:04Speaker 03

  No, the wives don't get to get up to any time.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Sisterhood situation.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  They're both married to you, but they're not married to each other. I did a lot of reading about this when I was thinking about Islam.

• 22:12Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 22:12Speaker 03

  As a viable, and then I saw that and I thought, ah, this is not as fun as it sounds.

• 22:17Speaker 00

  Point three to point seven percent divorce rate.

• 22:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, bro.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  What's the rate of killing your wife?

• 22:26Speaker 02

  I don't think, I don't think they can have accurate.

• 22:28Matt McCusker?

  It's probably matches the divorce rate in the US, fifty-three percent.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  Probably don't have accurate numbers for that because of the way they are.

• 22:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I told you, I told you, man.

• 22:38Speaker 03

  What are the rates of freak wife accidents?

• 22:41Matt McCusker?

  Now, in, if I was in Pakistan, say I had three wives, could I have one wife where all we did is I brought her around, had a bag of toys? And then I got to have like my friends have sex with her? That's what apparently Kanye West was doing.

• 22:55Speaker 03

  I think that's

• 22:56Matt McCusker?

  It's called a freak bag. It's a freak bag. You bring a freak bag for your wife. There's a term for it. It's called, oh God, what's the name? Ah, it's like, it's, it's like an elevated cucking where it's like you're way more proactive. Fuck, what's, I gotta find the term for that.

• 23:12Speaker 03

  Well, you're like, you're pimping your wife out.

• 23:14Matt McCusker?

  Sort of.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  No, there's no money.

• 23:16Matt McCusker?

  There's no money.

• 23:17Speaker 03

  Oh. You're a pro bono?

• 23:19Matt McCusker?

  It's all play. It's all play. But you bring a freak bag. You show up and you bring a freak bag. Let me see if I can find the video.

• 23:27Speaker 03

  I don't like that.

• 23:28Matt McCusker?

  It's not hotwifing. It's a whole.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Let's throw it every term.

• 23:31Matt McCusker?

  Hold on, I'll give this term.

• 23:32Speaker 03

  I think Kanye's journey along the road to Christianity has taken a couple of.

• 23:36Matt McCusker?

  He took a hard detour.

• 23:37Speaker 03

  Big left turns, yeah.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  He did, yeah.

• 23:38Matt McCusker?

  I'll find this.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  Those are God's favorite.

• 23:41Speaker 02

  The prodigal.

• 23:42Speaker 03

  The prodigal. He's gotta come back.

• 23:43Speaker 00

  You know? What greater proof than someone on a journey like that?

• 23:47Speaker 03

  Freak bag.

• 23:48Matt McCusker?

  It's called like a, here we go, here we go. Stag vixen. It's called a stag vixen.

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Just because it has a cool name doesn't make it right.

• 23:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's, it's a.

• 23:58Speaker 03

  It's a cool name.

• 23:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. It's called a ho bag. That's what you bring up. You bring a ho bag full of toys and you go to a party and you, you just kind of like, and it's just, I don't know. That's, that's what they said Kanye and Diddy were doing.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  I heard a rumor that she, he suspected she was some sort of federal agent sent to spy on him. And that he was embarrassing her on purpose.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  Oh, kind of like humiliation kind of thing.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  And I, bringing a bag where other men will.

• 24:23Matt McCusker?

  Stag vixen?

• 24:24Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:26Matt McCusker?

  Again, I, I, this is all, this is all obviously hearsay.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  The theory is, it's definitely evidence in its.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Kind of makes sense why he spent so much time in Japan. I feel that's something they'd be, they'd be kind of into over there, you know?

• 24:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Who?

• 24:37Speaker 02

  That kind of play.

• 24:37Matt McCusker?

  Stag vixen, the Japanese?

• 24:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:39Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 24:40Speaker 02

  They kind of had, they kind of had a big one there.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  Was it sexually unusual before the atomic explosions or did that kick that off?

• 24:46Speaker 00

  I don't know. I think there's like ancient scrolls of like a middle aged Japanese man smoking a cigarette and fucking with this face. I have seen. Like a girl cries on a rice mat on the floor.

• 24:53Speaker 03

  Genuinely, there's an octopus print.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, they've always.

• 24:56Speaker 03

  Hundreds of years ago.

• 24:57Speaker 02

  Oh, like an early, early hentai?

• 24:58Speaker 03

  There's a woman being entered by an octopus.

• 25:01Matt McCusker?

  I think, I think they have, the Hawaiians have that with like an eel. There was a giant eel that was fucking ladies in like the Polynesian culture.

• 25:08Speaker 02

  Where are the Hawaiians, aren't they?

• 25:09Matt McCusker?

  Maui, Maui killed them.

• 25:11Speaker 03

  That didn't make its way into Moana. That's Moana 3.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  That's like the X and XX version of it that they do.

• 25:18Speaker 00

  I'm sure.

• 25:20Matt McCusker?

  Damn, you're going to fucking like Disney cut porns, dude.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Sometimes it pops up. I don't look at that. Back in my early days, back in my dark days.

• 25:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, right, dude. Just watching it and just being like, yeah, I remember this movie. It's been so much better. I never got into like the cartoon, like Simpsons porn. I never got into that. Never, never.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Well, you missed out.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  That was, that was.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  You know that curiosity in the back of your mind that kind of never goes away no matter how old you get?

• 25:46Speaker 02

  No, that was always.

• 25:47Speaker 00

  Sometimes it's cool to indulge, man.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  That was my first thing.

• 25:50Speaker 00

  What was Homer working with? Hammer?

• 25:52Speaker 03

  Packing heat, I would guess.

• 25:54Speaker 00

  They didn't hog out anybody on the Simpsons porn. No, yeah.

• 25:57Matt McCusker?

  Wait, anybody? Is it who else?

• 25:59Speaker 00

  I might be thinking of Bart's boner right now, but I don't think I saw anyone with huge meat on any of that shit.

• 26:03Matt McCusker?

  Bro, that's CP, bro. Bart's in the fourth grade. That's CP.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, well.

• 26:13Matt McCusker?

  So you're saying they all worked with kind of regular meat?

• 26:15Speaker 00

  I'm gonna barricade myself in my own with Simpsons porn. Come and take it, pigs.

• 26:23Speaker 00

  It's just Marge sucking off Bart.

• 26:27Speaker 03

  I always found that The Simpsons was fairly erotic enough. I never, you always think that they have a good, healthy sex life in their marriage. Like a lot of shows, you can't pick the sexual dynamic of the characters, but Marge and Homer are, I think, very satisfied in one another. You never get the sense that, no?

• 26:44Speaker 02

  I've never once thought that. I don't.

• 26:46Speaker 03

  Like Hank and Peggy, I go, I don't know what they're getting up to. I don't know how the King of the Hill sex life is, but I always think.

• 26:52Matt McCusker?

  Marge struck me as kind of a freak, actually.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 26:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 26:58Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:00Speaker 00

  No, Marge and Homer, they have a very sensual relationship.

• 27:03Speaker 03

  It is very sensual.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  It's communicated very clearly. There's little moments where Marge will, you know, Homer will say something like, oh, I'll do that thing where I, you know, nibble on your elbow or whatever, and Marge goes, mm.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  Also, homie. The homie, I was like, that's, I kind of like her little pet name for him, like, she calls me homie. That sets some intention to it.

• 27:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, now that you mention it.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  Dave, you think Homer ever sucks Marge's tits?

• 27:25Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  Got her, right?

• 27:26Speaker 03

  Well, she's given birth very recently. She'd still be breastfeeding. He's probably not allowed to touch him because for the entirety of The Simpsons, they have a, they have a one-year-old.

• 27:36Matt McCusker?

  One-year-old.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  Baby.

• 27:39Speaker 00

  We've never seen Marge nurse, and now this is suddenly bothering me. Oh, I never thought of that.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  Marge doesn't breastfeed.

• 27:46Speaker 00

  How did they not tackle that topic when that became a big thing and women started breastfeeding at restaurants? How didn't they not do a Marge episode where she was like?

• 27:52Matt McCusker?

  Whipping it out. Yeah, man. Yeah, I feel like women used to like, didn't you still like hide a woman in the basement to breastfeed? Cause I never saw women.

• 28:00Speaker 03

  They're trying to do that.

• 28:01Matt McCusker?

  Actually, I feel like when I had, yeah, I had little brothers and sisters, I feel like I might've walked into the room one time like, Jesus fucking Christ.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  There's a lot of, I mean, at the airport, they have those pods.

• 28:10Matt McCusker?

  Pods are nice.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  Which I assume guys are using for jacking off.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  Featuring lactation.

• 28:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, lagoon pods.

• 28:15Matt McCusker?

  I, I shamed somebody recently in the airport for a family bathroom. I was waiting outside, the whole family, and I'm like, taken for fucking ever, and I don't hear any kids. I'm like, this is a mother, this is someone taking a shit.

• 28:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:28Matt McCusker?

  And I waited and waited. He's like, oh, I'm in here. Took his sweet time. And I was just boiling, dude. Cause like my kid, like there was, and there was like a line for the other, the girls bathroom.

• 28:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:39Matt McCusker?

  So it was just like long as fuck. And my kids were like, the boys bathroom is disgusting. I kind of drilled it in their heads. I'm like, you guys don't want to be in here. This place is fucked up. And then I, the guy opens the door and I was like, what the fuck, dude? Where's your kids? And he was like, it was like grumbled away. Fully shamed him.

• 28:53Speaker 03

  It's great. You got to feel handicapped for the first time.

• 28:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I am handicapped. I've made the argument, if you have two kids in your car, you can park in a handicap spot. You're fully handicapped. It'd be easier to get around in a wheelchair. Put me in a fucking wheelchair for a week. Piece of cake, dude.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  Too many handicap spots now in America. I, I went to a theme park, I went to Kings Island in Cincinnati. It was a theme park. You, you can't get it. I paid extra for the premium parking, well behind the handicap park.

• 29:24Matt McCusker?

  Fucking handicap. That's some bullshit. I will say this.

• 29:28Speaker 00

  Reduce the number of handicap spots or somebody start checking.

• 29:31Matt McCusker?

  Here's what I say.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  Reduce the number of handicapped.

• 29:33Matt McCusker?

  Well, if it should be, if you want the classic blue and white logo, you, yeah, you have to have like some sort of proof on your windshield of like what you're working with. If you're just fat handicapped, there should be a handicap with a, there's a small F A T. So just, there should be regular handicap and then just purely fat handicap.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  They should, they should make you watch ads too for fat.

• 29:54Matt McCusker?

  I want handicap plus, no ads.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Just a Carl's Jr. ad.

• 29:59Speaker 03

  To help you change, it should be a slightly smaller park.

• 30:01Matt McCusker?

  They do that on, um, fuck, what is it? Uh, Southwest Airlines. Cause you can pay to get on first to try to get those first four seats. We have super legroom. But then it's like, you have people in wheelchairs and it's like, whatever. It's, you know, I don't think they're even allowed in those front seats. But then you'll get fat handicap and you're just like, you son of a bitch. I know you're taking those two front seats, you motherfuckers. Just standing there, no, nothing, just no wheelchair, no cane, just, just crushing some New Balances leaning forward.

• 30:28Speaker 00

  Have you actually had the experience of getting stuck next to a, like significantly obese person on a flight?

• 30:34Speaker 03

  No.

• 30:35Matt McCusker?

  I've had people complain about my back being too big.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  I've discovered a Southwest trick.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  I've been buying two seats just in case.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  I've got to move on Southwest now.

• 30:47Matt McCusker?

  That I do.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  What do you do?

• 30:49Speaker 03

  Cause you're walking down the aisle and everyone's window seat, aisle seat in the middle. You'll look for people who look like they know each other, who are spread out and you sit in between them. And then they feel uncomfortable with the strangers sitting between them, that they will give you either the aisle or the window, usually. Yes.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  I do, I do late, I do like, I, I don't ever upgrade it. I purposely do late, like boarding group C or whatever. Cause single man, I'm trying to, I go in there and just like scope out, there's like a pretty girl.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Whoa, that's so crazy. We sat next to each other. Like I sat next to.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  Do you go to Tulsa a lot?

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Last, last time I flew, I didn't mean to do this on purpose, but I sat next to like a pretty like, like Latin lady, which is kind of my favorite. And I have, like, I carry a rosary with me usually and I had it in my pocket and I thought. I thought I left it. I thought I like dropped it. I was like very loudly, I was like, whoa, did I drop my rosary?

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Oh no, it's in my pocket. Thank goodness. Oh, hey, what's up?

• 31:47Speaker 03

  I'm sorry if that's uncomfortable pushing up against your enormous Latina ass.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  I dropped my rosary in Magnum condom. Excuse me. I have to get under there.

• 31:58Matt McCusker?

  Did you just let it drop out of the side of your hands like this? Ruffer's tattoo.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I just have it kind of dangling out of one pocket like, oh, what's, oh, rosary.

• 32:10Matt McCusker?

  What'd she say?

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Oh, I didn't, I didn't, I, she didn't say anything, but.

• 32:14Matt McCusker?

  Did she give you a Dios mio?

• 32:16Speaker 02

  No, no, I wished you. That would have, that would have been it for me. I would have probably come up with a Dios mio.

• 32:23Matt McCusker?

  Thank God she didn't tempt you. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go to Southwest and just stand next to the stewardess the whole time. Like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought we could just sit anywhere, wherever you want to.

• 32:34Speaker 03

  I'm sitting in the cockpit. I'm going to the cockpit. I want, I want to finally get, I wonder if I dress my son up, or one of them like a little pilot, and I say, he loves this. Oh, he loves pilot.

• 32:44Matt McCusker?

  They wouldn't let you fly?

• 32:45Speaker 03

  No, but maybe they'd let him in there and I'd get to accompany him into the cockpit.

• 32:48Matt McCusker?

  You can do that. If you're bored, you can be like, my kid wants to look in.

• 32:51Speaker 03

  That's my plan.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  They don't let you in there, just him? It's like, whoa, what the hell?

• 32:54Speaker 03

  No, no, I wouldn't allow that.

• 32:56Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  I'm not letting those pilots with all their.

• 33:00Matt McCusker?

  Dude, every pilot looks exactly the same. For the most, I would say eighty percent of pilots look exactly the same.

• 33:06Speaker 00

  Same haircut, same salt and pepper.

• 33:08Speaker 03

  Same build.

• 33:09Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Same voice on the, on the intercom.

• 33:12Matt McCusker?

  Same, talk exactly the same. There might be some sort of like thing they learn to do for air traffic control, because they talk all.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  You guys watched the rehearsal, right?

• 33:20Speaker 03

  I loved it.

• 33:21Speaker 02

  I haven't seen it.

• 33:22Matt McCusker?

  I've heard it's good.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  Uh, all right. So there's like kind of an explanation for it. And it's like, if you express any kind of like personal shortcomings, people start to look at you because it's like, that leads down a path of like, is this guy suffering from like a mental health thing?

• 33:36Speaker 03

  Spoiler alert, they're all very autistic.

• 33:38Speaker 00

  Dude, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it attracts a certain type, or maybe you mold yourself into the right type. But in the last episode, uh, Nathan actually does a, a, I guess a commercial flight in a seven thirty seven with an actual pilot as his co-pilot. And the guy completely goes like normal SpongeBob, and like seems to not even have a thought the entire time.

• 34:00Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  And they, yeah, they're showing him, like, try to talk to him. The guy's like, what? And they're just doing what? Back and forth. And Nathan was like, yeah, I, I thought you were about to say something. And the guy goes, no, if I think anything that I have to say, I'll say it out loud. And then just eyes forward the entire flight. There's no like, what's up, man? You see the game?

• 34:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, it's just.

• 34:20Speaker 00

  None of that. They, they either do not think, or they are able to suppress every thought that they have.

• 34:27Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  Pretty weird.

• 34:29Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I, I've been watching The Accountant, one and two.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Dude, how is two? I want to see it real bad.

• 34:33Matt McCusker?

  Two's pretty sick. It leans into kind of like the bromance with him and his brother a lot. But I'm, I've been wondering if like autists are kind of like an adaptation to live in kind of a more like computerized society. Cause I, and, and two, they, they are using the autist kids from the academy as like, kind of like, uh, like their own little powerhouse, like gather information. I'm like, dude, we're gonna be, these guys are gonna be hot.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  We need farms for these people.

• 35:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:00Speaker 03

  This is why, that's why Bill Gates is vaccinating Africa.

• 35:04Matt McCusker?

  He wants his own, he wants his own little.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Autistic army.

• 35:07Matt McCusker?

  He wants the autist fucking squad.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  If we're gonna finally turn this into a techno-futurist regime, they need the gift of the autistic.

• 35:15Matt McCusker?

  He's gotta be careful, cause then they can hit, they can hit him with a little Dragon Ball Z, take the whole place down. Drop the power grid. They'll be in there fucking.

• 35:24Matt McCusker?

  Trying to move, trying to move water bottles with their minds.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  I watched that, that video last night of the dude, like, like showing his progress of like moving water bottles and stuff. And I was like, how is he doing that?

• 35:35Matt McCusker?

  This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Rift prompts. When you wipe, are you sitting or standing? I started out sitting today and then I actually, actually, I'm not lying. I got saved by Dude Wipes today. I was in the bathroom taking a dump at Shane's house and I had, you know what like clings to the side of your butt, kind of? I had a large deposit cling to my butt and it like literally, you know, you have, do you ever get it on your hand at all when you wipe? I don't want to gross you guys out. Has, like accidentally, have you, have you ever got it on your hand? I did it, it literally happened to me today. Like I got it, just a tiny bit on my hand. I was like, fuck.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  Well, that's the joy of the dude wipe. An XL wipe for an XL man.

• 36:16Matt McCusker?

  No, it did, it came in handy. I would have had it gone home. It was such a disaster that, thank God I did that. Guys, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your B-hole some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss and the flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that teepee might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults. So no more endless rolls or setting for less, or sorry. So no more endless rolls or settling for less than perfect wipes. Dude wipes, best clean, pants down, available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. But yeah, the, uh, I've, I've been going around for the last like three days pretending I'm the accountant pretty much the whole time. It's pretty sick.

• 37:00Speaker 00

  The accountant's such a big W for white guys.

• 37:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  For white dorks.

• 37:03Matt McCusker?

  It's huge. It's crazy.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  I'll watch any, any bro movie with Burnthall. I like, he's really good in that role.

• 37:09Matt McCusker?

  He's great.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Like Fury, that was, I, I rewatch Fury pretty often too. That's a great bro movie if you guys have never seen that.

• 37:15Matt McCusker?

  He's, Burnthall's a, yeah, I was, I was trying to tell Brittany, I was like, dude, he's like, maybe, he's like the best. He's really good. Everything I've ever seen him in.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:24Matt McCusker?

  Just spazzing, does a good job. I don't like the lollipops in the accountant too. That's my one gripe.

• 37:28Speaker 02

  What's?

• 37:29Matt McCusker?

  He just has lollipops in his mouth all the time. It's like a, just a thing. I'm like, dude, come on. Fucking lollipop out here. It's like a toothpick.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  I wonder if he, he made that. It was his own like, like, oh, I'm gonna method this.

• 37:38Matt McCusker?

  I won, I wondered if he methoded.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  What if he, what if he sucked lollipops the whole time?

• 37:42Matt McCusker?

  That's what I was thinking about. I'm like, dude, if he put this in himself, I'm gonna piss.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  I was wondering if, if Burnthall is, uh, well, all right. You remember when like the Shia LaBeouf stuff happened?

• 37:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  And, uh, Burnthall was like his bro in his corner the whole time?

• 37:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  And he was doing like podcasts, like Burnthall actually thinks he is the Punisher in real life.

• 38:02Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  He thinks he is like the hard, hard-nosed like. Grit man.

• 38:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  And not just like a.

• 38:10Matt McCusker?

  A thespian?

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Bisexual theater kid.

• 38:13Speaker 03

  Well, no one else is is a masked actor. There's a big absence of masculine. Timothy Chalamet is the leading man for everything. He's a womanly girl.

• 38:21Matt McCusker?

  He's not that mask. Yeah, he's a waif.

• 38:24Speaker 03

  Who's the Spider-Man now?

• 38:25Speaker 02

  Uh, Tom Holland.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  Tom Holland's very.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  I'm fond of Tom.

• 38:29Speaker 03

  He's British and gay.

• 38:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Bernthal's a mask.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  And honestly, these guys are all the same.

• 38:33Matt McCusker?

  Well, here's the thing. To be fair, every movie I watch, I'm like, yeah, I'm that guy. For at least two weeks and it wears off. If I was the character, it would it would warp me, dude. I would completely think I'm a Navy SEAL. So I think it's a hazard of the industry.

• 38:47Speaker 02

  He's been so method for so long.

• 38:49Matt McCusker?

  He's been so method, I think he's lost. He's lost in the role. I think he's tough now.

• 38:55Speaker 00

  I guess so, man.

• 38:56Matt McCusker?

  I swear to God.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 38:59Matt McCusker?

  I'm still watching the the rest of The Accountant 2. I haven't finished it yet. So in my head, I'm like, no, he's tough as fuck, dude. Like, you have no idea. He could beat up a whole room of people.

• 39:06Speaker 00

  Probably could.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  It's basically perfectly manifesting in his brain, just him doing these like tough guy roles is just like became like his inner monologue. He's like, I'm the tough guy.

• 39:12Matt McCusker?

  Well, we watched the podcast you were talking about, him and Shia LaBeouf, they do talk like. I don't even like, it's like a mix of like Navy SEALs and like cholo gangbangers.

• 39:21Speaker 02

  It's all different language, I'm honest.

• 39:23Matt McCusker?

  Brother, let me tell you something about this, brother. They talk like Macho Man.

• 39:26Speaker 00

  You have to think about yourself, brother, you know, as a man. And I'm coming to you as a man and you're a man. And they're just, the only word they're saying is man for, you know, upwards of three minutes.

• 39:37Matt McCusker?

  How long have we been brothers for, brother? Let me tell you something.

• 39:39Speaker 00

  Man, I don't know, brother.

• 39:40Matt McCusker?

  Brother, let me tell you something about brothers.

• 39:42Speaker 00

  Brother, about as long as I've been a man.

• 39:45Matt McCusker?

  It's one of the all time great podcasts. It's one of the greatest podcasts ever recorded. Look, I'm not down with you hitting and pushing your wife, brother, but I get it, brother. I'm here for you in the corner. I'll grab you. When you go to hit your wife, I'll be, I'm that kind of guy that's grabbing your arms, driving my dick into your back. But I'm not going, I'm not right with that. If you want to punch your wife in the face, look, man to man, I get it.

• 40:09Speaker 00

  Brother to brother, that's a different story.

• 40:11Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna jump in front of the fist and if my head hits her head, that's on her. She's gonna move.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  Doing bull shots on a guy's wife.

• 40:21Matt McCusker?

  Click me in the corner, maybe I'll bounce off and catch her in the fucking nose, but look, brother. Yeah, it's the best, those two.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  If you want to jack off in a chair while I punch her in the face, brother, that's your prerogative, man.

• 40:35Matt McCusker?

  I actually tombstone my ex-wife and killed her. It was an accident. It was a tragic accident.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  I threw my wife off a hell of a cell, brother.

• 40:46Matt McCusker?

  I was actually thinking about that. Um, I think yesterday I was thinking about, uh, I was thinking about Shia LaBeouf and you know, I, I like Shia LaBeouf.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  I like Shia a lot.

• 40:53Matt McCusker?

  I like him a lot, but I was thinking like, I think he's still with that lady. I, I don't know. I, I could be wrong.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  The, the FK, the, the Twigs?

• 41:01Speaker 03

  No, he got back with his wife.

• 41:04Matt McCusker?

  Oh, so that wasn't his wife? He, he didn't, he hit his girlfriend? He?

• 41:07Speaker 03

  I didn't, did he hit FK Twigs?

• 41:10Speaker 02

  I think it was FK Twigs that he?

• 41:11Matt McCusker?

  Uh, yeah. And again, I don't know if it was like a push. I don't know.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  I thought he intentionally gave her a sexually transmitted disease.

• 41:17Speaker 02

  I think that's also.

• 41:18Speaker 03

  And then she wrote a great album about it called You Sexure, which is, you know, it's not even about, it's about movements. It's a great album. Great art has come out of that intentional ST.

• 41:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I don't, okay. So that's on the record that he just didn't tell her.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  I don't know. She, he apologized, but he was very vague about it. It's not clear what he's.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  Fully converted, fully converted to Catholicism, apologized. I kind of like his arc so far.

• 41:39Speaker 03

  He was, I hadn't seen his, I hadn't seen his half on his arc, but he was out in, he came to the club. He was at the mothership like a couple of months ago.

• 41:48Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 41:48Speaker 03

  I watched the show and he was lovely and he had his dad there. And then I was looking him up on the internet and I, I think the night before he was arrested for jaywalking, uh, because he kept calling a policeman silly. Like he went to cross a main road and then a policeman said, you can't do that. And he said, you're being silly. You're a silly policeman. He said the word silly.

• 42:05Matt McCusker?

  That'll piss off a cop. Call a cop silly. They're not going for silly.

• 42:08Speaker 03

  Yeah. I think silly is one of the, I mean, it's a great thing to call a cop, isn't it?

• 42:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. It's, it's literally the last thing they want to hear.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  Don't be silly.

• 42:16Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you're being silly, man. Cause they're not silly at all. They're serious. It's the most serious men usually.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's much better than pig.

• 42:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. They'd rather.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  Everyone has pig, pig.

• 42:24Matt McCusker?

  At least there's like anger behind pig. If you're like, dude, you're being a little silly.

• 42:28Speaker 02

  Also, pig is such a standard, like go-to. Silly is like, wow, this guy has some beef with me for sure.

• 42:33Matt McCusker?

  This guy's fucking with my head. But yeah, I just knew something went down. I don't know what happened, but I just thought about my thought was like, say you did, say you were on record though, because you know, people, the details come out, people just assume they hear there was any sort of like assault or aggravation there. They assume you like beat the hell out of her.

• 42:51Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 42:52Matt McCusker?

  And you know, court of public opinion kind of thing. When you jump back into the dating pool, I wonder, like if a girl dates you after hearing publicly that you were beating.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  They flit a lot.

• 43:01Matt McCusker?

  Or is it like, what's up with that? Like, you know, is it like, are they like, okay, well, I know what I'm signing up for. Like, are there girls out there being like, oh, she was being a pussy. Of course your boyfriend shoves you. That's what I was wondering about. There's gotta be girls out there that are like, yeah, for sure.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  It's Italian women.

• 43:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:21Matt McCusker?

  That was all. It was just a stupid thought in my car.

• 43:23Speaker 00

  I'm sure there's girls that are about it like that, though.

• 43:24Matt McCusker?

  Getting shoved?

• 43:25Speaker 00

  Yeah. And they'll give it back. Yeah.

• 43:28Speaker 03

  Chris Brown's reputation has not been hurt with his woman.

• 43:32Matt McCusker?

  There you go. That's a good one.

• 43:33Speaker 03

  Ladies love Chris Brown and his Wikipedia page is nuts. If you go to the controversies page on Chris Brown.

• 43:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  That wasn't an isolated Rihanna incident. He's hitting heaps of ladies.

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Really? They're so horny for him, though.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  He's like, have you seen the videos of him like just like at his shows, just humping girls on stage?

• 43:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, the meet and greet, by the way.

• 43:51Speaker 03

  M E A T.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  Women are getting pregnant, taking pictures with Chris Brown. They love that he's socking girls because it's like, that means eventually enough of these girls are going to get socked and dropped out, then I'm gonna have a chance. Yeah. I'm like 230,000th in line. If he could just, all I know is like, I gotta just be able to take one good one and I'm set for life.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  He's gonna be dancing on me.

• 44:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's, his lawyer must have like the, the fund that like just one savings account just for like smacking a lady fund.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  The smack fund.

• 44:24Matt McCusker?

  Smack funds.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  He was smacking.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  It's getting kind of low, Chris.

• 44:27Speaker 03

  It wasn't even just girls he was dating. It was like someone who was looking after his dog, someone who did his hair.

• 44:33Matt McCusker?

  Wait, what?

• 44:33Speaker 03

  Have you read this?

• 44:34Matt McCusker?

  He beat his dog once?

• 44:35Speaker 00

  Everyone can get it.

• 44:36Speaker 03

  Chris Brown is.

• 44:37Speaker 02

  His dog or like his, like his dog?

• 44:39Speaker 03

  Allegedly, sorry, allegedly. I have to keep saying allegedly. But it's a big controversies Wikipedia page and it's almost all.

• 44:45Matt McCusker?

  What is the controversy? What's the alleged controversy?

• 44:48Speaker 03

  There's one after another. No, there's like 20.

• 44:50Matt McCusker?

  Oh, assault.

• 44:51Speaker 03

  Like.

• 44:54Speaker 03

  Allegedly.

• 44:55Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 44:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah, he just got re-arrested recently.

• 45:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he threw, uh, yeah, they just.

• 45:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's like a big one. It was like one of those, I think it was fat square boys. I could be wrong. It was either tall and long or fat and square.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  At this point, if you piss off Chris Brown, isn't it kinda your fault? You know what I mean? It's like, obviously he has a history of being a bit of a hothead, you know? It's like, maybe just keep your distance from him, I don't know.

• 45:22Matt McCusker?

  That would suck. You're just recording like very sexual R and B. You're just like kind of chubbed up. You're like, this is kinda weird. The guy just beats your ass.

• 45:33Matt McCusker?

  That'd be, getting your ass kicked as a sound engineer to R and B would be crazy.

• 45:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:37Matt McCusker?

  That would suck, dude. Imagine if Boys the Men just stomped you, dude. Just DP'd you.

• 45:43Speaker 00

  They had to.

• 45:44Matt McCusker?

  Think Boys the Men were stomping you?

• 45:45Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, you're getting punched with like very extravagant rings on their hands and shit. That shit sucks.

• 45:51Matt McCusker?

  That one guy comes in the back like.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  You're getting kicked with a loafer that's softer than anything you've ever felt before. Like damn, I'm gonna grab one from my, like, my pillowcase.

• 46:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I never, never thought about that. That sucks. Well, hopefully Chris Brown figures it out, man. Can't be doing that.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Pretty sure recording studios see a lot of fights. I think a lot, and it's like a guy comes in for, you know, maybe a verse, or maybe, you know, he brought in a beat.

• 46:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  And then like another guy doesn't like him, and it just, it just turns into like a Kaisa Nat stream.

• 46:19Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 46:20Speaker 00

  Probably pretty frequently.

• 46:22Matt McCusker?

  It's a good point.

• 46:23Speaker 00

  There's just girls tweaking, twerking and guys screaming and no one understands what's going on.

• 46:27Matt McCusker?

  Ah, it's gotta be such a stressful environment.

• 46:29Speaker 00

  And you get a platinum record out of it. It's like the formula worked once again.

• 46:32Speaker 03

  Pressure make diamonds.

• 46:34Speaker 03

  Pressure makes diamonds.

• 46:35Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 46:36Speaker 03

  You gotta have, you have a cool, easy recording studio.

• 46:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I've always wanted to be in the studio like that. I've never been, I never got the.

• 46:42Speaker 00

  Being in the stew, cooking in the stew.

• 46:43Matt McCusker?

  Cooking in the stew, yeah.

• 46:45Speaker 00

  You got all your jewelry on, you're wearing sunglasses, you got like a cup of something and you're just like vibing to the beat. And no one is sure if they like the song yet or not, but everyone is just like, we gotta keep, we gotta keep the vibe going.

• 46:56Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 46:56Speaker 00

  That's a lot of pressure.

• 46:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man.

• 46:58Speaker 00

  If you're the guy who's like, this is kinda ass, you might get turned on by everyone else in the room.

• 47:03Speaker 03

  I saw a video of Tupac blowing up. Cause he thought there was too much of this going on in the green room. This was recently on a reel. He comes in and goes, quit messing around. We got girls dancing. We got people popping champagne.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  Let's make some music. We're gonna do it one at a time. You can produce it later. Get my verse now. And it was sort of prophetic because he had so many verses recorded when he died. He didn't know how much time he had left.

• 47:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, apparently rappers now, all of them have like hundreds and hundreds of songs.

• 47:29Speaker 03

  Till you provide for your loved ones after you take too many drugs on a plane to Australia. Rest in peace.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  They should just release all those songs as like podcasts. Like if you're just rapping that much, you might as well just do podcasts.

• 47:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, exactly. Well, a lot of rappers are, Juice WRLD had a bunch of songs.

• 47:45Speaker 03

  Juice WRLD had like three albums come out after.

• 47:47Matt McCusker?

  And he, he died on a plane to Australia?

• 47:49Speaker 03

  I think he was worried about a drug dog and he had some drugs on him. So he took all of them to get off the plane. It's very sad.

• 47:56Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 47:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:58Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  Oh, I like this.

• 48:04Matt McCusker?

  I like that too. AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently. Still just one scoop, once a day. Vitamins, minerals, probiotics. All this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mixes great, doesn't taste like a fistfight. Packaged travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out. So hurry up and go to drinkag1.com slash secret pod. And for a limited time only, get a free immune support bundle, including omega three fish oil

• 48:49Matt McCusker?

  and vitamin D three plus K two with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com slash secret pod. This episode is brought to you by Viori.

• 49:00Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:01Matt McCusker?

  I've been wearing the Sunday Performance joggers and I'll be honest, I didn't expect to have opinions about joggers, but I do.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  Oh, I know you do.

• 49:08Matt McCusker?

  Well, they're soft, lightweight and have four way stretch. So they can move with you with no restriction. They're technically workout clothes. So you can train in them, but they don't look like workout clothes. You can wear them out and people will think you've got your life together. Honestly, they're Comfier than whatever you're wearing right now, unless you're already wearing Viori, in which case, respect.

• 49:31Speaker 04

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• 49:54Speaker 02

  I've done, I've done that, but never had more than like one Xanax.

• 49:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, seriously, how he died?

• 49:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that's how he had.

• 50:00Matt McCusker?

  Wait, so he had a ton of drugs on him and he goes, he's already gotten through. He got nervous at TSA?

• 50:04Speaker 03

  I think he flew private and he came down and they said, this country's very uptight about drugs. He went, well, I better have every pill that's on me right now. And then he took them and then he was out.

• 50:14Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 50:16Speaker 03

  Australia strikes again. It's very sad.

• 50:17Matt McCusker?

  They weren't, I, oh, I don't know. I went there that one time. I had a fake, fake vax card. You guys didn't catch that? Probably had a weed pen, if I had a guess. Australia, you can get anything through Australia.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  We put up a bit, our signs are very spooky. I think it's easier to get things in than, yeah, we have a whole TV show about it. Which is, uh, Border Patrol, I think it's called, where we get, it's a whole TV show about Chinese people coming to the border.

• 50:41Matt McCusker?

  Australian guys staring at the ocean like, ay, ay.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  They're at the airport and they just go through like Chinese people's bags and like, what is this? You can't have this fish.

• 50:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you can't bring a lot of, I did notice that, like fruit and all that other stuff you can't bring.

• 50:54Speaker 03

  Very big on fruit.

• 50:55Matt McCusker?

  I accidentally brought a stick home from Australia.

• 50:59Speaker 02

  And did they say something about it or were you able to bring it with you?

• 51:01Matt McCusker?

  They can't, it passed, bro. I've got those thangs through, dude. It's my stick. It was in my pocket. I forgot it was in there. It was a cool stick. It was like a bare, very bare, smooth stick. And I brought it back from Australia. Probably crippled the. Excuse me, that's my ho bag?

• 51:17Speaker 03

  This would sound silly, but the first time I was in America, I did see a cool rock and I brought it home.

• 51:22Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 51:22Speaker 03

  I wanted to bring home a piece of American rock.

• 51:24Matt McCusker?

  Did you, are you allowed to bring rocks from America to Russia?

• 51:27Speaker 03

  No one questioned the, it was like a pebble. It was like a nice pebble.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  I brought a pebble, I brought a nice pebble from Italy back to Ameri- it was weird. You see the handsome rock, you're like, I'm gonna bring this back with me.

• 51:36Speaker 03

  There's an energy here.

• 51:37Matt McCusker?

  There's a lot of accomplice geo smugglers around here.

• 51:42Speaker 00

  You're not supposed to take them from Hawaii, though.

• 51:45Matt McCusker?

  I heard.

• 51:45Speaker 00

  The kapunas or something like that.

• 51:47Speaker 02

  What's kapuna?

• 51:48Speaker 00

  What's the spirits? You you take nothing from Hawaii.

• 51:51Speaker 02

  I'll take it and be like, I don't believe in kapunas.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  You'd be fucked then.

• 51:54Matt McCusker?

  Zuckerberg must be in trouble with the kapunas right now. Doesn't he have like a giant volcanic fucking bunker in Hawaii?

• 52:00Speaker 00

  I hope so. I don't know.

• 52:01Matt McCusker?

  He does. I think so.

• 52:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he apparently scored a lot of property over there.

• 52:07Speaker 03

  There's the underground cities that the rich are building to keep them safe from whatever's happening right now.

• 52:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm gonna be a topside mutant.

• 52:13Speaker 02

  You gotta put your.

• 52:14Matt McCusker?

  Topside mutant will be sick.

• 52:16Speaker 00

  Cannot wait to be a topside mutant and torture the underground rich people banging on the manhole covers.

• 52:21Matt McCusker?

  We're gonna come down there.

• 52:22Speaker 00

  So fun.

• 52:25Speaker 03

  I think America might be going to war now.

• 52:28Matt McCusker?

  You think so with Iran?

• 52:29Speaker 03

  I think it's happening now. Yeah, USA officially joins war. It's just happened.

• 52:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man.

• 52:33Speaker 02

  Ugh.

• 52:34Matt McCusker?

  Against Iran?

• 52:35Speaker 03

  Against Iran.

• 52:36Matt McCusker?

  What the freaking hell?

• 52:37Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 52:38Matt McCusker?

  Hope they don't use any dirty bombs. That's what I'm worried about, this goddamn bio weapons.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  Also them.

• 52:44Matt McCusker?

  Hmm?

• 52:45Speaker 00

  Also them, you mean?

• 52:46Matt McCusker?

  I mean.

• 52:47Speaker 00

  None of them.

• 52:48Matt McCusker?

  I hope no one uses their weapons. Covid doesn't break out again during this war.

• 52:54Speaker 03

  This is so much worse than the declaration of. I mean, like Churchill gets to go, we will fight them on the beaches.

• 53:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 03

  Trump's going, uh. Well, these guys have defensive equipment.

• 53:04Speaker 00

  Guys using drones.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  It doesn't compare to American made manufactured stuff. Yeah. Nobody does it better than the good old US of A. In terms of war.

• 53:13Matt McCusker?

  I mean, dude, we would, yeah, we would absolutely smash Iran, obviously, but it's like. Can't we just say we're not going to war and then just kind of send like secret agents to do it or whatever?

• 53:22Speaker 03

  The old fashioned way we've been doing it for.

• 53:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, can we just destabilize their economy like gentlemen?

• 53:26Speaker 02

  Use like a proxy, be like.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  Be polite, use proxies.

• 53:30Matt McCusker?

  So wait, why are we doing it? Not just having Israel do it and being like, god damn it?

• 53:35Speaker 03

  I don't.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  I think Trump got too excited. I think the playbook was obviously just provide Israel everything they need to destabilize the part of the Muslim world that we don't like forever.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  And then he thinks, maybe I could win a war.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  Just like Ukraine and Russia.

• 53:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  And then he was just like, we should actually jump in there and see what's up.

• 53:49Matt McCusker?

  What if Bibi just has crazy riz and nobody knows about it? He's just like, come on, Trump, come on. He's so sick.

• 53:56Speaker 03

  He's very charismatic.

• 53:57Matt McCusker?

  So sick.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  It is funny that a dude named BB like started a giant war.

• 54:02Matt McCusker?

  Possibly World War Three.

• 54:04Speaker 02

  BB.

• 54:04Matt McCusker?

  I mean, who would join Iran? China's not joining with Iran.

• 54:07Speaker 03

  Russia, Russia.

• 54:09Matt McCusker?

  Russia, god dang it.

• 54:11Speaker 00

  I think China can be courted, but China's so tied up with Africa right now.

• 54:15Matt McCusker?

  Are they?

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're they're gonna milk Africa. They really need to stay focused. They don't want to get into a war.

• 54:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 54:21Speaker 00

  They're not set up for it either.

• 54:23Matt McCusker?

  Good. Well, that's good. So it'll be Russia, Iran. What a fucking.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  You know, you know who, I mean, if they turn the lights off and played their music, it would get a big pop in the main event. If North Korea woke up right now.

• 54:37Matt McCusker?

  Off the ropes.

• 54:37Speaker 00

  You forgot all about if he was out with an injury, you know what I mean?

• 54:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't think.

• 54:40Speaker 00

  WrestleMania comes, it's like North.

• 54:42Matt McCusker?

  I just don't think their missiles can reach.

• 54:44Speaker 00

  I don't think they can do anything, but who cares?

• 54:46Matt McCusker?

  It'd be sick if they just dropped in Fortnite style.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  North Korea is the real mysterio of world conflict. Small guy, you don't think he should have an impact.

• 54:58Matt McCusker?

  But don't let him. It could be, in theory, Iran and Russia versus Israel and the United States.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  United States.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  Well, then, like, also, probably, like, France and, like, kind of EU countries are probably gonna join.

• 55:12Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you mean all of our pets?

• 55:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:15Matt McCusker?

  I don't, you think, yeah, I guess they'd have to. I'd assume. Um, yeah, Germany, all those guys.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  The classics.

• 55:22Speaker 03

  They can send their 15 bicycles.

• 55:25Matt McCusker?

  Fire up Egypt. You can fire Egypt up. Because what countries are we tight with that are in that area? It's Egypt, Jordan.

• 55:33Speaker 02

  I feel like a lot of those guys don't like this.

• 55:34Matt McCusker?

  Arabia is huge. They just give us a golden jet.

• 55:37Speaker 03

  I think you've probably got Iraq. What's left of Iraq is probably ready to.

• 55:40Matt McCusker?

  Isn't Jordan on our side too? I think Jordan, it's always the king of Jordan, I think, is like chilling.

• 55:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:46Matt McCusker?

  So I think it will be, that's, dude, that'll be crazy.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  I've been thinking about how badly, if I was. Leaving high school this year.

• 55:54Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 55:54Speaker 00

  I probably, and, and my circumstances were the same as when I actually graduated high school. I probably would find a way to enlist and become a drone operator. I think it's.

• 56:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:07Speaker 00

  It's the same, I, I, I actually, it sucks that I didn't get to fantasize that the same way I got to fantasize about being an army sniper. Where it was completely unrealistic and would have never happened.

• 56:17Speaker 03

  But now they've seen your rocket league abilities. And they say, have you joined a different kind of rocket league?

• 56:22Speaker 02

  Use like Xbox controllers.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I, and, and then the reality of it is also cool where you're like, kind of just in the back of a truck, wearing a headset. And all of like the actual grunts are laughing at you and no one respects you, but it's like, yeah, whatever, dude. I'm locked in right now.

• 56:39Speaker 02

  And you can twitch it.

• 56:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:41Speaker 02

  You're like one of those, what are the guys in Doom?

• 56:43Speaker 00

  Let's go, Chuck!

• 56:44Speaker 02

  Really like the dudes in Doom with like the pink, I mean, the blue eyes like.

• 56:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, the navigators.

• 56:49Speaker 03

  The Mentat?

• 56:50Speaker 02

  Like the Quants or whatever?

• 56:52Matt McCusker?

  That's probably happens every professional twitcher that gets caught saying the N word on the stream. The government knocks up like, we have a job.

• 56:57Speaker 00

  You got two options.

• 56:58Matt McCusker?

  We have a job for you.

• 57:03Matt McCusker?

  Come here now and release the tape to Twitter.

• 57:05Speaker 00

  Put me in the back of the truck and let the guy, the squad humiliate me while I drone strike people.

• 57:09Matt McCusker?

  That would be so sick.

• 57:10Speaker 00

  It's nothing but kill streaks. It's got to fucking rock, man.

• 57:14Matt McCusker?

  Fucking awesome.

• 57:16Speaker 02

  You got the cold, you got the cold blooded perk on? You're like, fuck, I got all my perks. I just prestiged actually.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  You have your gamer clan, just like XX whatever.

• 57:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, man. You mad is actually the, the clan tag.

• 57:34Matt McCusker?

  I think we did an hour, dude. Right, Grinns?

• 57:38Matt McCusker?

  I gotta pee. I can tell. I'm 53. Let's, let's fucking, let's power through. 53. I have, I've had to pee for the last 30 minutes.

• 57:46Speaker 00

  I smell really bad.

• 57:47Matt McCusker?

  Do you smell?

• 57:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, I made sure to go, I, I thought when you told me to come by, I was like, I gotta immediately go shower. I can't, I can't smell bad.

• 57:53Speaker 00

  Really? Well, no, I showered. I did everything and I'm, I'm on a, a new kick. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm just trying to make, I, I've started sleeping.

• 58:01Matt McCusker?

  Dude, sleeping with a TV on for.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  Forty years.

• 58:06Matt McCusker?

  Forty years.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Forty years. So I'm taking the television out of our bedroom.

• 58:10Speaker 02

  Oh, nice.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  And we're on, I haven't even completed a week of it yet, but so far, so good. And then I got a mattress topper. It turns out my bed was very uncomfortable and that was probably a part of it. So now I'm sleeping like a fucking king.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  How's your stack?

• 58:23Speaker 00

  Uh, I haven't got, I haven't gotten to the Tupperware bin full of supplements yet. It's still being unpacked.

• 58:29Matt McCusker?

  That'll be there, yeah.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  But I was at Walmart and I grabbed the same deodorant I get, but aluminum free.

• 58:35Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 58:36Speaker 00

  It's not working at all. I smell so bad right now.

• 58:39Matt McCusker?

  I'd rather not wear deodorant at all than the aluminum free. I, I.

• 58:43Speaker 00

  I'm sticky and stinky.

• 58:44Speaker 02

  It bleeds into shirts and stuff.

• 58:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, I don't wear, I rarely wear it. The summer I'll like slap it on every now and again, just cause like, you know, one of my kids will be like, dude, you fucking stink. But.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  My pheromones just fucking blasting.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  I would be better off going raw.

• 58:58Matt McCusker?

  I swear, I think you are, man. I go, I pretty much. Remember when Sid stopped wearing deodorant and everyone had.

• 59:04Speaker 00

  I was just talking about this. What a psychopathic move. He did, Sid did six months, no deodorant and was in complete denial about how bad he reeked. It was filling rooms.

• 59:15Matt McCusker?

  I was doing that.

• 59:16Speaker 00

  He was changing shirts mid-conversation.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  Or his T levels like though, you know, did he get his nanograms for desolators checked?

• 59:22Matt McCusker?

  They're probably high if I had to guess. Sid's are probably off the charts, dude, if I had to guess.

• 59:27Speaker 02

  Judging from just the smell.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  We drove to Atlantic, we drove to Atlantic City together to do a podcast and it was like the windows in the car were bulging out from the smell. It was so fucking bad and you'd be like, yo, dude, you stink. He'd be like, I don't think it's me. And we were, we, it went nowhere.

• 59:43Matt McCusker?

  So fun. It was like a can of soup.

• 59:45Speaker 00

  People just started to like back away from him. People started to leave his personal life.

• 59:50Matt McCusker?

  No, it was, it was the green room and helium, the one time like people were coming up to him like, dude, you stink in this green room. And he was, he finally accepted it. He was like, all right, I stink. I fucking, I stink. I've been stinking for six months. Well, I'll give it to him because he wanted the no deodorant life so bad, which I can respect, but he for real stunk. He was kicking off a stink. There's no excuse. Which is, which is alpha. I'm ashamed by the fact that I don't like. If he powered through, if he said, yes, I do stink. That's what I'm saying. That's a completely different story. Hey, that's your, yeah, he could've said, hey, that's your problem, man. Yeah, deal with it. I love every aspect of myself.

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  Sometimes I feel like the stink comes when I don't rock deodorant. I feel like when I'm really stressed out, that's when the stink comes. I feel like it's a response to like the way that I am inside.

• 1:00:35Matt McCusker?

  So if I try to just lower my stress. So you're saying you stink inside, you stink outside.

• 1:00:38Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 1:00:38Matt McCusker?

  If you lose frame, you just start to stink.

• 1:00:42Speaker 02

  Sorry, I'm super, sorry I smell guys. I'm super anxious right now.

• 1:00:48Matt McCusker?

  That'll definitely, dude, sit down on the plane, bust out the rosary beads, but hopefully I don't smell. I've been worried all morning.

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  That is a big worry. I keep a stick of deodorant whenever I fly. It feels like, dude, you didn't notice when we were like going to like Sacramento and shit? I was hitting the, I was in the deo'd like just on a, in the waiting area.

• 1:01:03Matt McCusker?

  Were you really?

• 1:01:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. Anytime I get on a plane, I have to reapply because I just get so worried that people are like, what's up with that guy's deodorant?

• 1:01:11Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I said, I don't wear deodorant on the plane. I fart the entire time.

• 1:01:18Matt McCusker?

  I don't, if I, I'll give my. Someone told me you told a story about me farting on an airplane. It was the, the little kid turning around and at Butterly was, it was so, they were so bad. And this kid would just.

• 1:01:29Speaker 03

  Over the sound of the jet engine?

• 1:01:31Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no, the smell. The smells were fucking horrendous. And this little boy in front of us would smell them and get so excited and turn around and just wide smile between the seats. I couldn't stop. And he was like telling his mom or dad and they kept me like, dude, stop. It's like, they did it again, mom.

• 1:01:49Speaker 02

  Was he able to clock who it was like specifically from just like?

• 1:01:52Matt McCusker?

  We were blaming each other. We were both blaming each other the entire time. And even the, the mom in front was laughing pretty hard. I saw her shoulders quaking. It was, what a good sport the mom was. Probably started a lifelong perversion for that child.

• 1:02:07Matt McCusker?

  This kid, he couldn't have been hap- he was the only one on the plane, couldn't have been happier.

• 1:02:11Speaker 02

  That's a core, core memory of his.

• 1:02:12Matt McCusker?

  Oh, he was dude.

• 1:02:13Speaker 02

  You farted a core memory into his, into his brain.

• 1:02:16Matt McCusker?

  Just sitting in the smell, being like, no, no, no, it's cool, it's cool. And then you see that fucking smile, you're like, fuck. Mom, mom, they did it again. Mom.

• 1:02:26Speaker 02

  I don't know what he's talking about.

• 1:02:29Matt McCusker?

  Ma'am, could you shut your child up? No, I, I give myself like 10 farts and then if I have to, I'll, I'll take a dump in the plane.

• 1:02:38Speaker 02

  10's the number. Too much, time to go shit.

• 1:02:42Matt McCusker?

  If I'm sitting next to a lady, guys, infinite. I'll fart the entire.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  What, you fart next to a lady?

• 1:02:46Matt McCusker?

  I'll get, I'll fart 10 times next to a lady.

• 1:02:49Speaker 00

  It depends, if it's a crabby lady, farts are the worst punishment she can receive. I'm not allowed to strike her or raise my voice at her, but I can almost shit my pants at her.

• 1:03:00Matt McCusker?

  I have, I've had some times recently where I'll be like, you know, end of the night, Brittany's in the bathroom doing whatever. And I'll be like naked and like there's, she's in the bathroom, I'm in the bedroom, just naked farting in the bed and I'll be like sitting there like, she has to hate me. She must just be disgusted. There's literally just a creature.

• 1:03:20Speaker 03

  Well, the rage has to come out somewhere. You know, they don't say this about Chris Brown, he never farts in front of a woman. That's where he starts to swing.

• 1:03:28Speaker 02

  That we know of.

• 1:03:28Matt McCusker?

  That we know of.

• 1:03:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:30Matt McCusker?

  That might be where all the farts come from. He just fucking rips, like, oh my God, he's like, shut the fuck up bitch.

• 1:03:35Speaker 02

  He has an idea about what the fight's about, it's like, he won't leave the car.

• 1:03:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah, the big one was in the car with Rihanna. Whoa. Just crush the car. Steam the glass.

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  The glass was melting.

• 1:03:49Speaker 03

  On the shitting on a, on a flight, there is a, there's a hack I've found. I didn't know if people know this. You're allowed to use the toilet before the plane takes off. So when they're doing that, I didn't know, for years I thought you had to wait until you were in the sky and the seatbelt's off. If you're on the tarmac, you can.

• 1:04:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:05Speaker 03

  And no one's in there. No one's ever contesting for the first poop on the plane.

• 1:04:09Speaker 02

  But then everyone knows, like, if you do stick it up, the rest of the flight, everyone's like, is that...

• 1:04:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, or if you, if you take a brutal dump and they're like waiting to take off, and then you gotta walk out of the whole plane like, what the fuck?

• 1:04:19Speaker 03

  We've had to cancel the flight.

• 1:04:21Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  We've had to cancel the flight.

• 1:04:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:23Speaker 03

  Someone's left an awful mess in here.

• 1:04:25Matt McCusker?

  Brittany told me, she's like, go ask the stewardess for some coffee to bring into the bathroom with you. It'll kill the smells. Like, I'm not fucking doing this.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  I'm gonna get fecal matter in the coffee. That's gross.

• 1:04:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's like, A, I'm not wasting the coffee, and B, it's like, no, I'm just gonna take a shit. I'm not gonna be like, hey, it's gonna smell really bad when I poop. Can I have some coffee, please? It's like, absolutely not.

• 1:04:43Speaker 03

  Also, does coffee drive out the smell of poop, or would it just smell like poop and coffee?

• 1:04:47Matt McCusker?

  It might cut it, but yeah, you need a lot. You need some strong beans and you should peel an orange while you shit in the bathroom. That's not a bad idea.

• 1:04:56Speaker 03

  It's like a yakamata palm.

• 1:04:57Matt McCusker?

  The match and toilet papers, or just lighting a match and throwing it in, that for real crushes the smell.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  They should let you vape on the plane, just in the bathroom, though, like to cover up the shit with like blueberry, whatever.

• 1:05:08Matt McCusker?

  Some vanilla blueberry over the...

• 1:05:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. A little dreamsicle.

• 1:05:14Matt McCusker?

  Alright, we made an hour. I have to pee so fucking bad.

• 1:05:16Speaker 03

  Me and my growth.

• 1:05:18Speaker 02

  Sick.

• 1:05:18Matt McCusker?

  Thanks for having me.

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