Side Stories: Joey Chestnut vs. The World

Henry & Eddie bring you this week's stories - Joey Chestnut goes viral, 16 children rescued from a horrific living situation in Ohio - as 4 are charged with child endangerment, Toddler found ALIVE in morgue hours after being pronounced dead, the story of Neil the mischievous Seal, TikTok's "Immortal Unc" Bryan Johnson diagnosed with incurable stomach disease, Santa Claus arrested in child predator sting in New Orleans, Listener E-Mails, and MORE

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:31Speaker 01

  There's no place to escape to.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  This is the last. On the left.

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Side stories?

• 0:39Speaker 01

  That's when the cannibalism started.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  Side stories, yes.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  Get my DH?

• 1:02Speaker 03

  Getting your DH?

• 1:03Speaker 02

  Get my DH.

• 1:06Speaker 03

  DH, DHL? An alternate packing service?

• 1:10Speaker 02

  Nah, dude. I'm just excited about my future as a Messiah. I have stigmata.

• 1:18Speaker 03

  You got stigmata?

• 1:19Speaker 02

  I have a stigmata.

• 1:21Speaker 03

  You're so, I mean...

• 1:23Speaker 02

  I am not to be a Christ, revenge.

• 1:27Speaker 03

  I don't want to call you stupid.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  I have a stigmata.

• 1:32Speaker 03

  I guess it's ridiculous.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:35Speaker 03

  Unnecessarily masculine?

• 1:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. That's what it is.

• 1:39Speaker 03

  Thank you, yeah.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  Which I think translates to stupid.

• 1:43Speaker 02

  No, I fucking, dude, I lift so hard the other day.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:47Speaker 02

  I lifted 245 pounds, it was the first time I've ever done that, and I fucking ripped my hands open doing it.

• 1:52Speaker 03

  But it was a deadlift?

• 1:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  It wasn't like a bench press?

• 1:55Speaker 02

  Well, I'm not there yet.

• 1:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  Dead left. I'm getting there. Two forty-five. That's big for me.

• 1:58Speaker 03

  That's fine.

• 1:59Speaker 02

  Look at me. You do nothing. You do absolutely nothing. You eat berries.

• 2:04Speaker 03

  I do. I love my berries.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  I'm thick now.

• 2:06Speaker 03

  I have benched three hundred pounds.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  I'll get there.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:08Speaker 02

  I am gonna get there.

• 2:09Speaker 03

  I was nineteen, though.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, but yeah, all these kids, I see them all doing it even in the gym now. The kids come over, they all smell, they're all fucking garbage. All they do is sit there, they all, you know, all they do is Nazi salutes to each other.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  They love it, yeah.

• 2:21Speaker 02

  And say skibidi over and over again. And then they just go and they, they, but yeah, they can lift tremendous weight because they don't have feelings yet.

• 2:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, no, I remember, I was, I cheated, though. I let it, I bounced it a little bit.

• 2:31Speaker 02

  And also, you, yeah, you weren't doing, I do shit slow.

• 2:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, I bet.

• 2:35Speaker 02

  I do shit real slow.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Everything.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  But makes me strong.

• 2:39Speaker 03

  Oh, is that what it is?

• 2:40Speaker 02

  Stigma.

• 2:41Speaker 03

  Is that why you're in the bathroom so long?

• 2:42Speaker 02

  I'm touched by Christ. I'm in the bathroom because that's how I think. Welcome to Side Stories. I'm sitting here with non-thinker Ed Larson, I guess.

• 2:53Speaker 03

  What?

• 2:54Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Exactly. You all know.

• 2:57Speaker 03

  Y'all know me.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  All right, if we're in the toilet for a super long time, it's because life's complicated.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, and or I'm playing my fruit game.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Which is taking a shitful of fruit.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. You and ice fruit. Between the berry consumption that you got yourself up to and the berry consumption that I'm up to, my shit's at grizzly level.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  Oh, do you know what I learned recently, and I don't even know what to do with this, because I don't think I can handle this? Is that you're supposed to be freezing the blueberries.

• 3:24Speaker 02

  I buy them frozen. I told you, bro.

• 3:26Speaker 03

  You buy them frozen?

• 3:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, you moron.

• 3:28Speaker 03

  Apparently, they release more antioxidants when they're frozen.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  Stigma.

• 3:32Speaker 03

  God damn it. You can't be better at life than me.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Stigma.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Just a little bit.

• 3:37Speaker 02

  And I, new Christ, Henry Zebrowski.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  It feels good to be the new Christ. I hope they don't kill me like the last one.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  Well, you know, at least it'd be fun.

• 3:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, I won't go to Italy.

• 3:47Speaker 03

  Come back for a couple days. It didn't kill him in Italy. It was the Italians who did it, but it wasn't in Italy.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, it's right.

• 3:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:56Speaker 02

  It was far away, yeah. Yeah, it was to the right. He was like, you get to Italy and you make a right.

• 3:59Speaker 03

  He couldn't walk to Italy. The ankle support wasn't good enough.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, what a fucking bitch. What a fucking bitch. That's what I'm saying. Jesus Christ couldn't fucking, they could, they could keep you on the cross. That's what I'm gonna say, dude. You can't keep you on the cross. I'm Teflon.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. Shout out to Rob, always throwing up, uh, what we're talking about on the screen so we can see it. He threw up a picture of Jesus.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, just so we knew that it was Jesus.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  And you know what I love about this Jesus? I'm trying to inspire you guys.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Is this, you, I do appreciate white Christ.

• 4:27Speaker 02

  I love ginger.

• 4:29Speaker 03

  For making it a white Christ.

• 4:30Speaker 02

  Ginger Christ. Eddie Sheeran Christ is my favorite Christ. Cause that's the one, the most, cause you know how well he would have stood the temperatures of the desert.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  But we have some updates. First of all, there was a lie, uh, that was issued, a clip of Joey Chestnut choking out a guy, a protester. That was from 2022. It went viral. We were super excited about it because honestly, we here at Last Podcast on the Left are Joey Chestnut stan.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  Big fucking nutter dude.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  I'm trying to get him in here.

• 5:02Speaker 03

  Butter, bro. I'm all up in that shit.

• 5:05Speaker 02

  And yes.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  He's a fucking champion.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  He did plead guilty to assault. He was out on parole in order to compete in Coney Island.

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Woo!

• 5:12Speaker 02

  But I will say.

• 5:12Speaker 03

  You have to be on parole to compete in Coney Island.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  And he won.

• 5:16Speaker 03

  He did win. 66 hot dogs.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  He won, which is a big deal for us as an America again, after the World Cup, after we sucked dick over there, right after we fucking sucked all that dick because we suck and we're losers right now.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  Joey Chestnut saw World Cup.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  He's a winner, alright? I dare anybody from Valencia trying to eat fucking 66 hot dogs at once, I'll probably kill him.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  Send his fucking ass to Belgium.

• 5:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh, I bet you, oh, they have one little sip of tea over there. They get, they all, they get all jittery. They can't eat 66 hot dogs. It'll fucking make their systems explode.

• 5:48Speaker 03

  I wrote Joey Chestnut a song because I like him so much.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  Please do it. Do you need a, do you need like?

• 5:53Speaker 03

  No, I, I'm gonna do it a cappella. It's, um.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  Acapella. Acapella is his gay brother.

• 5:57Speaker 03

  Acapella is when a man does it.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  You're kidding me, I'm sorry.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  Alright, I'm sorry. Okay, that's how it goes. Acapella is when your fucking bitch ass does it. That's right.

• 6:08Speaker 02

  Don't you come at me, I have stigma.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Gimme that, that, that nut. Gimme that, that, that nut. Gimme that, gimme that, gimme that. Eating at Nathan's is the place to be. Always chewing's the life for me. Spread your lips open far and wide. Ah, fuck that shit, just let me put my dog inside.

• 6:30Speaker 03

  Oh, it's supposed to do it in the Green Acres thing.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  He was so happy.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  Always chewing is the life for me. Spread your lips open far and wide. Oh, fuck that shit, just let me put my dog inside.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Gimme that, that, that nut. Gimme that, that, that nut. Easy E, dead of AIDS.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Yep, truly a wonderful American. And so from one American dead of AIDS to one soon to be dead of AIDS, Joey Chestnut, we salute you. Really good work. But yeah, just so you know, sometimes clips go viral out of context. But I will say, we didn't talk about this. Uh, we talked maybe briefly before we talked, maybe we talked about talking about this on the show. I watched the body cam footage.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Of what?

• 7:15Speaker 02

  Of Joey Chestnut getting arrested for the assault.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Oh my god, buddy.

• 7:20Speaker 03

  What happened?

• 7:20Speaker 02

  So it starts with, first of all, he's all hungover, right? Cause so the cop is coming to him. So what we now know, the whole thing, he, a fan, according to what fan came up to Joey Chestnut, he, they got into some physical altercation where he choked the guy out, just like he choked the protester out. And tried to stop his, his fucking incredible run.

• 7:41Speaker 03

  You get between the nut and fucking dogs?

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Done. You're done, buddy. Well done. Okay? And so these guys, so the, this guy, obviously he, he got choked out by Joey Chestnut, super upset about it. So he called the police. The next day, they come here to show him the video of what he did. And the best part is that, so Joey Chestnut, let's just say.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  He'll remember it.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Let's say he gets a little happy out there with the alcohol. All right. I think that he might, he says that he was completely blacked out, which I agree.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  This is why I try not to hang out with fans.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I agree that he's completely, so the cop is showing him the video. Joey Chestnut's sitting there, uh, with his head in his hands. And he's like, and the cop is trying to be as nice as possible, because the cop is obviously a fan.

• 8:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  So the cop is like.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  Everyone's a fan.

• 8:29Speaker 02

  Joey, I'm not trying to fuck up your night here, but I just need you to look at this video. And he shows him the video and it's him choking out the fan, right?

• 8:35Speaker 03

  Was he doing it with his hands or was it a headlock?

• 8:38Speaker 02

  It was like an arm bar, right?

• 8:39Speaker 03

  It's not that bad.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  Eddie? You're not his lawyer. You're not his lawyer. He's not paying you yet, okay? So Joey says that as he's watching, the mortified look of his face where he's like, "Jesus fucking Christ." And the best part is his wife behind him, just going, "You fucking idiot, Joey."

• 8:57Speaker 02

  "That's you." "That's you, Joey." Like, like, over his shoulder, just going, "That's definitely you." "You're guilty of this, Joey." You know, like, if he's sitting there, sitting there, he's like, "Jesus fuck." And the cop is like, "Gee, you wish, Mr. Nutt. I wish I didn't have to. I wish it didn't have to be me." You know what I mean? "Oh, I gotta say, I've been watching you ever since fucking ninety-seven." "And so this is a lot for me. None of us want to bring you in. None of us want to do this." But the guy is mentally handicapped now. And so we're gonna have to bring him in. He's fine. No, he's not. He's not mentally handicapped. He's fine. But the cheer, I just feel like if you saw the disappointment of Joey Chestnut's wife...

• 9:38Speaker 03

  I can't believe they blurred her face. We know who she is.

• 9:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll find her.

• 9:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  You know, but I think it's, she is, um, I think her anger might even be enough.

• 9:47Speaker 03

  I, you know what, honestly...

• 9:49Speaker 02

  You know what, sometimes you just feel like that?

• 9:50Speaker 03

  I gotta tell you, you know, I don't want to talk like this, because I love the nut, and I don't want to, you know, be an asshole about this, but like, I expect better out of his wife.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 10:01Speaker 03

  I expect her to be like, "That's not my Joey. That's not him." You know, like, "Come on, put on a show."

• 10:06Speaker 02

  You know what I'll say?

• 10:07Speaker 03

  "What are we doing here?"

• 10:08Speaker 02

  Eddie?

• 10:08Speaker 03

  "If Julie sells me down the river like that in front of a cop, I'll be very upset."

• 10:12Speaker 02

  They're gonna do it.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  Wives look for crimes now, okay? That's just how it is. Don't wa- there's no Laura Lennies from the river anymore. It's Mystic River? There's none of that.

• 10:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  It doesn't exist, right? You're a bad person if your wife's also a bad person. The key about every man, or anybody that has a significant other, the key is that you need to find the moral opposite of you to balance you out. So most guys, I do believe, have a much more moral person in a wife form next to them that is their morality outside of them. And it helps checks and balances of all the horrible thing that you're gonna do as a guy just throughout your life.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh, he used to be, um, with another competitive eater, and her name was Nestle.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ. Fucking asshole.

• 11:04Speaker 03

  Yeah. Whoa, that's her? That's his old, that's his, that's his old bride to be. And now I guess, uh, they, they're not together anymore. So I, I looked up Joey Chestnut wife and he's not married.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Oh, it's his girlfriend.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Girlfriend. I think she just got a little demotion.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  Dude, I mean, fucking whatever. I mean, I'd fall in love with a girl if I could see her turn her fucking throat into a hot dog highway every once a year. You know what I mean? Just open up the gates and just throw all these nitrates in, making you permanently able to withstand the temperatures of the sun.

• 11:34Speaker 03

  Hold on a second. Is he married or not married?

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Are we really, this is, wow, we're really gonna get into this?

• 11:39Speaker 03

  I need to know.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  Sites, stores, L P O T L at gmail dot com. Is anybody hooked up with Joey Chestnut?

• 11:44Speaker 03

  The daily, the daily, uh, the daily insight says his wife is Nestle.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  The company.

• 11:50Speaker 03

  The company.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  Wow. Well, that's honestly, it's a big get.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  It's a sponsor.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  That's a big get.

• 11:54Speaker 03

  Nestle, uh, ricassa.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  Now, he was previously engaged to her.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  I was previously engaged to her.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  I mean, it's hard. It, these careers are hard on people. You gotta travel a lot. You gotta travel a lot.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  He's a big star.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  There's the groupies, you know what I mean? People come at you from all these different angles. I get it. It's hard.

• 12:08Speaker 03

  Do you have groupies or meatballs?

• 12:10Speaker 02

  I think, yeah. Yeah, I think they're called meatballs. Yeah. It depends on the size of them. It really depends on the size of them.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  I love you, Joey, no matter what your crimes are.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  So.

• 12:19Speaker 03

  Keep eating them dogs, bro. I'm fucking with it, man.

• 12:23Speaker 02

  All G has to know is, much like we here at Last Podcast on the Left are just subject to whatever the hell it is that we're staying within, W me only because we have just committed just under the amount of crimes we need to get canceled.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Joey Chestnut, I'd also advise you, advise you the same.

• 12:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Try to keep your crimes not violent.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  That's what I would do. Keep it to financial.

• 12:44Speaker 03

  Financial crimes, no one really cares.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  Speed. You can do all that. You could drug, drug possession.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  Get a bad meme coin.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  That's great. That's all fine for us.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  Something like that. Yeah.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  We can all forgive you for all of those things.

• 12:55Speaker 03

  Oh, nut coin?

• 12:56Speaker 02

  Oh, in a second. I'd forgive you for your rug pull.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  That's fine. Because anybody's buying money from a hot dog man should commit suicide.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  So I think that's a fine thing. I think that's fine for that to be a problem. I think, yeah. Alright. I love you Joey. We love you Joey. We do. No matter what you've done. Yours unconditional love for you here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope you reign supreme till you die. Yep, he will. Ten years from now. I would love it honestly, and I think he would too, is if he died in front of us. He's going to. Yeah. Eddie, don't worry about it. Mid-competition. I want him to go down hard. Eddie, don't worry about it. I want them to be like, ah, there's no winner this year because Joey, or I want him to still win. Well, they're just like, he's eaten so many hot dogs cumultatively. No matter how many hot dogs you eat today, you're not even even get close to his number. So if Joey's like, alright, you're in the middle of a competition, hypothetical speaking. Yes. In the middle of competition, he's at 50 dogs, he's already winning. Alright, he chokes, dies.

• 13:50Speaker 03

  There's still three minutes left. Do they let everyone keep going to see if they can beat him? They better. Yeah, right? Is this America? Does the war end when the general gets shot in the head? Absolutely not. No. Yeah. We still gotta go on. Alright? When our general of culture was shot in the head? Beautiful Louis CK. We still had to move on. We still had to get up every day and go to war. That's right. And defend him, and get out here and talk about how it's totally fine because he asked permission before he openly jerked off in front of a bunch of his coworkers? Not when he did it on the phone. You're right. When he did it on the phone, that was actually pretty bad, I would have to say. That was pretty bad. That one was, you're right Eddie. That was pretty bad. That was pretty bad. Really good Eddie.

• 14:34Speaker 03

  But we just want to say we're so congrat- congratulations on his new Netflix deal. Oh yeah? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, so he's a coworker? Yeah, he is. It's really great. Look at that! It's really good to be amongst the best here at Netflix.

• 14:47Speaker 03

  So here we go. Let's first get into this super sad story. I want to do this first before we get into your fun story Eddie. Oh, whatever. I got time. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform that helps you stand out online. Yes, that's right. You don't have to smash your face with a hammer. You can just start a business. It's got everything you need on Squarespace, from securing your domain to building a professional site and showcasing- In your work all in one place. Let's say you want to show everybody how you can carve your ribs out of your lower abdomen so that you look more like a Ken doll. That's amazing. You can bring your vision to life with AI-powered design or curated templates,

• 15:29Speaker 03

  plus flexible editing tools that helped you create something that truly reflects your style, especially if you are somebody that is trying to corrupt the young men of America. That's what Squarespace is really going to help you. Squarespace makes it easy. It makes it easy for you to put all it together and you just go to Squarespace and do it all. Thanks, Brayden. Head to Squarespace.com/left for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code LEFT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 15:59Speaker 02

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• 18:14Speaker 04

  Live from your grave.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  So this one is, uh... You know, the current administration has really shown us a lot about how important family is.

• 18:26Speaker 03

  Oh, absolutely.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  And I think that that's one of those things that like us, godless, childless, uh, I would say F-words.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  Here in Los Angeles, uh, we've been trying to destroy your family culture for as much as possible.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  That's right. Trump loves his family so much, he fucks his daughter.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  That's the idea, right? He chose his daughter again by fucking her, right?

• 18:46Speaker 03

  He loves his ex-wife so much that he had sex with her against her will.

• 18:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's huge. It's huge. He's so pro-family. And I feel like that's what it is, is that the family is suffering. And I think that what happened here in Ohio, to me, is another example of government overstepping on a family just trying to be a family.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Um, so in Vinson County, Ohio, uh, 16 children were removed from a home. Uh, this is deep Trump country.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  Um, in a 12-by-12 space in which they had been living, uh, sequestered, covered in feces, filth, and, and all sorts of manner of total degradation from the ages of 17 months to 18 years old. Eighteen year old was completely non-verbal, completely couldn't even write her name, had no idea where she lived, couldn't even name the city that she lived in. They were being raised by, quick raised, I'd say kept by the Ciders family. Now, this is a close family, Eddie.

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Okay, it sounds like it.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  Gay are close. So first it starts with Gary Ciders Senior, seventy-three. Then there's Elizabeth Christina Ciders, sixty-seven, that's mom and dad, that's Papa and Nanu, right? And then you have Gary Ciders Junior, thirty-six years young, with his beautiful bride, Elizabeth Ciders, thirty-three. Now, you'd say that they all look like they're covered in liquid Vaseline, right? But no, that's just, that's them.

• 20:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, some people, you know, some people like baby oil, they look like they like adult oil.

• 20:20Speaker 02

  Now, what I find interesting about these family members is that they each have a different set of chihuahua eyes.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  I, I've never seen human beings with tear stains before, like in a chihuahua. And so Elizabeth Ciders.

• 20:38Speaker 03

  Gary Ciders looks like John Carpenter's ghost.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, he does. Uh, he don't look good, and he looks like he, uh, needed a break.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  And he's got the reverse Hitler facial hair.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  It's really gross.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  But the tiny mustache.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  Which is weird, I hate that. I hate that, especially if you're not a Civil War reenactor or Amish. So, the way it goes.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  He's a Civil War, like perpetrator.

• 21:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's still fighting. So these guys, um, they all got arrested on child endangerment. Now, where this all came from was that the police, for some reason, it's a little spotty. They were going, they were doing a search warrant for an indecent exposure charge on the son, Gary Ciders Junior, thirty-six. Apparently, he had been, over four instances of the last month, they said, the idea is that he's been furtively, the term furtively, showing his genitalia at the neighborhood four separate times in a way that you cannot construe that he was trying, not trying to show it to a member of his household, which it did not know is fine.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  Like, you could, it's fine, you can just, as long as they're, as long as they're a roommate. You can show them your dick and balls.

• 21:50Speaker 03

  If you have sixteen child prisoners, don't go showing your dick to the neighborhood.

• 21:57Speaker 02

  You'd think that, Eddie. But I think he's, that's why I'm saying, I don't think his eye was on the prize here. So that's what, they went in to investigate.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  You know Gary Senior's so mad at Gary Junior. Oh, he's had the, we had the whole day worked out. Yeah, I get worked out, guy. We, we want to bolster, they know what to bolster, know about our baby factory and you know. You gotta go show your dick all over town.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Yeah daddy, just like you did daddy. How'd you be mommy daddy? You're right.

• 22:25Speaker 02

  So Gary Siders Junior married, quote unquote, was allowed to marry Elizabeth Siders, uh, when Elizabeth was fifteen years old. She was taken from her family essentially. They went to another state.

• 22:37Speaker 03

  Well, the family would have to sign off on it, right?

• 22:39Speaker 02

  They did. They got permission. They went to another family. Uh, they went to another state in order to get, uh, married in West Virginia. Uh, because Ohio, it's still got that over West Virginia.

• 22:49Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  Is that you can't marry your child in West Virginia. You can just, you in Ohio, but you can kinda keep it sequestered in a house for super long time.

• 22:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, in Ohio, he would, they would have to wait another couple of months.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, you have to get, yeah, yeah, there's a form. Trump has to marry you. I think that's how it works, that if you are getting married to a child in Ohio, Trump insists, he officiates. And then he also gets, I believe they call it primanokta, which is a medieval concept of the feudal lord gets to have his first night with the newest bride of anyone amongst his town.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Hopefully, so these guys, so Elizabeth Siders, uh, has been a part of this family. So now this kind of is interesting thing. So she's now thirty-three. She has been with them for eighteen years. She has been pregnant every year. So here's the.

• 23:38Speaker 03

  Oh, so these kids aren't kidnapped, they're hers.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  We don't even really know. So this is, so this is where she's been registered as pregnant. She was pregnant in two thousand eight with one child, two thousand nine, child two, two thousand eleven, child three, two thousand twelve, child four, two thousand thirteen, child five, two thousand fourteen, child six, two thousand sixteen, child seven, two thousand seventeen, child eight, two thousand nineteen, child nine, two thousand twenty, child ten, twenty twenty-two, twins, eleven and twelve, twenty twenty-four. Twins, thirteen and four, twenty twenty five, twins, fifteen sixteen. And then apparently, two subsequent stillbirths of conjoined twins that died on delivery.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  This lady is just pressing them out. She's a Pokemon factory.

• 24:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  I have no idea how, how you could have that many babies and still have organs.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, she would have had two more if they weren't stuck together.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  You're right. But I would count that as one.

• 24:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, if I was a betting man. They had two hearts.

• 24:42Speaker 03

  Right? Two hearts? What makes a person? A heart or a brain?

• 24:45Speaker 02

  Two of hearts.

• 24:48Speaker 03

  That's a good question. Side stories, L P O T L, gmail dot com. What makes a horse? A horse or a brain? Are you, that sounds like a Wizard of Oz. Yeah. And so she has sixteen kids? No one fucking asks any questions all these years?

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Everyone is basically saying.

• 25:01Speaker 03

  They're like, oh, Gary Senior's got the homeschooling?

• 25:04Speaker 02

  They have moved from, they have moved from place to place to place with these kids as they've increased. In a bunch of different states, we're now seeing that this is the final resting place that they've been at for four. They've only been here for four years. Those kids, they said, the neighbors said they'd never seen a kid. They didn't even know they had kids. It wasn't even until like all of this, they were like, what the fuck's happening in this house? They must be going around in the nighttime. They said the only thing they've seen of this family is Junior's penis.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  You know, I feel like people in Ohio, they like, I, I mean.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's an Ohio thing.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  They don't fucking talk to each other, man. Like this is where like Castro was hiding all those chicks in his basement.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Honestly, you're kind of not bad. You're not correct. You're incorrect. I do legitimately.

• 25:47Speaker 03

  I don't see nothing. I don't say nothing. But it's like, ask a question, wave hi to your neighbor. Fucking, who knows what's going on in there?

• 25:53Speaker 02

  I think it's partially the conservative idea of not my business, not my pig, not my farm, right? Which is how they say, they, they, that's how they say they have peace, right? That's what they say like, oh, I don't judge and I don't care what you do in your house or that kind of stuff. But it's really just, I don't care.

• 26:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  I don't care what happens over there.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  There's no love in that goddamn state.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  No, it's duds.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  It's all for sports. It's pure death. It's not for family.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  It's pure death. And so these guys were, they're, they don't know, they're, they're now calling us. The main issue here is that who fathered all these kids? So, we don't really know. We don't know yet. They're now all in custody. They're all being tested.

• 26:28Speaker 03

  Probably both of these fucking guys.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, they definitely bushwhack that one.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, I imagine it's both of them.

• 26:33Speaker 02

  I definitely, there was a tag team style situation going on. That I honestly think is gross.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  What about Christina Siders? Is she, is her only child, so did she only have Gary Junior?

• 26:43Speaker 02

  It seems that Christina Siders was the chef.

• 26:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:48Speaker 02

  I think I put her chef slash.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  So she, they only had one child and then they moved into sixteen?

• 26:55Speaker 02

  It does seem to that is that then they, then whatever what was happening with the youngest girl and Junior, they were either participating in making children altogether.

• 27:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:07Speaker 02

  Or they're just watched.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  Like a good grandfather does.

• 27:11Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  You know, that's what.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  Witches and ghouls, man.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  They are literal ghouls. So, if they're, the kids are now out. Uh, they are trying to figure out.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  Out. They're gonna be in the foster system their whole fucking lives.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  No, they are not gonna have.

• 27:24Speaker 03

  Which is better.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  I guess, I guess. All I'm gonna say is that this section is at least done, right?

• 27:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:32Speaker 02

  They said the rest of the family, apparently the rest of the Siders family, they didn't hear a lot from them.

• 27:36Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah? They cut them off a while ago?

• 27:38Speaker 02

  They said they really kept them at arm's length.

• 27:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  And that it is interesting, cause they even just said that Siders had even been an all-American family at first, because that's the problem, is that they both dropped out of grade school. Uh, Elizabeth Siders. Yeah, Elizabeth Siders didn't, she completed eighth grade.

• 27:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 27:56Speaker 02

  And then she was.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  No high school for her.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  She don't need it.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  No.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  You don't need it to fucking get that, Tim.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, but, oh, my God.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  Right? Is that bad?

• 28:07Speaker 03

  I'm not helping?

• 28:09Speaker 02

  No, you're right. It's not a class. Getting cum isn't a class in high school, so yes.

• 28:14Speaker 03

  I mean, unless you call it a fucking homeroom. Do you know, in, um, in my school, we had like a.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  These kids were in homeroom all the time.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  Yes, all the time. They're not allowed out of homeroom, unfortunately. Um, the, uh, we had a place where you could, uh, if, if someone had a kid and they were in high school, we'd have a little, we had a daycare. That's how many kids were getting knocked up in Florida. We had a daycare in my high school.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Just adapt.

• 28:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 02

  Do you guys ever have, did you guys? What? Do high schools have wet nurses yet?

• 28:41Speaker 03

  I mean, we're all wet nurses. I've tried to, I applied to be one.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  I mean, I hope, whenever I see those maternity little closets, I'm like, uh, is there a waiting list?

• 28:53Speaker 03

  The best part about Henry being a wet nurse is the kids get the floss while they're doing it.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  Well, this story is gonna really only blossom from here.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  So, so they like what they get life? What is the crime?

• 29:07Speaker 02

  The crime is, oh no, they'll get massive life. Yeah, child endangerment, child reckless, all of the child, the abuse stuff. You can go to jail for life for that. Seventeen counts of endangering children. Yes, and they.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  It sounds like it's worse than that.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  It's kind of funny because like. It will definitely. Oh, definitely. Wait till you see those like Law and Crime Network is like one of my favorite YouTube channels that goes over true crime. And they decided they had the Gary Sider Sr. They had his lawyer on. And the just him even trying to explain that he was like, yes, the house was dirty. And faces means dirty. So it was just that's dirt. Confesses is the type of dirt. And then he was also like, okay. And then he was just like, also, there was no lock on that room. Any one of those children could have left at any time. They weren't locked in there. They were just kept in there and.

• 29:56Speaker 03

  You're right.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Who are trying, just even as he's trying to explain.

• 30:01Speaker 03

  He's like, this is my job.

• 30:02Speaker 02

  I have to do this.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  I have to do this.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Do you think I like this?

• 30:06Speaker 03

  It's in the constitution that I have to do this.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  I don't want to. Look at that man. That man is, I have a deer head and an apple head in one family. I've never seen, I've never seen an apple headed Chihuahua person.

• 30:19Speaker 03

  If he is guilty, I get to punch him first.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:22Speaker 03

  But that's my job. That's what I get to do. Until that day.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  Until that day, he is innocent. He's sort of innocent. God, it's just like, you look at this crew and it's like, how does? Yeah, destroy them.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  And of course they couldn't sneak out. Gary Sider Sr. Is looking in two different directions. He's covering the whole fucking room.

• 30:45Speaker 03

  You're right. You're right. That's what it is.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  His peripheral is way better than his, uh, straight on.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, he'd be a really good tennis player.

• 30:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, you want to hide from him, you just stand right in front of him.

• 31:02Speaker 02

  Oh, well, we wish them luck. And we hope that, I think the family's gonna be alright.

• 31:09Speaker 03

  Man, they really all should be in prison forever.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  I think that the-

• 31:13Speaker 03

  I feel like Elizabeth Siders is the only one I take a little bit of pity on.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Who knows, I mean, yes, of course. She's gotta be like a prisoner or something. Everything is, she, her life, whatever we want to do, her life wasn't awesome. So whatever was going, like, gets bad. She was of the four villains here. She was like the number four villain, you know what I mean? Like, she was the one that was still there. Like, it's hard, yeah. Like, a lot of people are gonna be like, why didn't you go running out of there?

• 31:39Speaker 03

  Should we do a tears list on them?

• 31:43Speaker 02

  Well, we gotta get the kids' names first. Doesn't matter unless you get all the kids' names. You gotta rank them. Sleepy, dopey, sneezy, grabby, gripper.

• 31:56Speaker 03

  There's more than two times the amount of dwarves.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Trigger, snappy.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  What are you naming your kids at that point? It's like the entire staff of LPN.

• 32:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  Oh, it is. You're like my intra-family.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, man. Imagine that. I bet none of them had health insurance.

• 32:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, wow.

• 32:12Speaker 03

  Now, you would save so much money if you not only just made a little secret family.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  Don't ruin my plan. Alright, here we go. I actually have a bit of happy news.

• 32:23Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  This is happy news.

• 32:25Speaker 03

  Alright.

• 32:26Speaker 02

  Arizona toddler declared dead was found alive in the morgue. Again, this is another kid that is-

• 32:31Speaker 03

  This is, you're claiming this is happy?

• 32:33Speaker 02

  It is.

• 32:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 32:34Speaker 02

  So it's six twenty-

• 32:35Speaker 03

  Ish. I, I, I'm gonna throw an ish on the end of that.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  It was Super Bowl Sunday. You got to see the end of the game. An Arizona toddler was pronounced dead in an emergency room on Super Bowl Sunday. The worst, most bummer day to have a dead toddler. On, at, five hours later, the boy-

• 32:51Speaker 03

  Santa's at Easter.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  See, you know, it's nice to be given something to do.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  Super Bowl Sunday, at least it's already nighttime.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess. What happened during the six hour period, so the baby was found breathing in a hospital morgue about six hours later. The circumstances had led to their drowning. This is like Vincent Lorenzo Fiordilino.

• 33:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  He was in a pool. He was in Maricopa County.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  Now, we don't know, so apparently according to the police. The police, the parents were, they had wandered off to the pool because they were, um. Let's just say the parents were all fucked up.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  They would get, they were stoned.

• 33:28Speaker 02

  They were stoned and drunk watching the Super Bowl. And they lost control over there. They lost sight of their son.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  That slipped into the pool.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Truly nightmare of nightmares.

• 33:39Speaker 03

  Also, if you're getting high, what's more fun than a toddler? Play with the kid. You know, if you're stoned, like just pay, it's their goofy. Let it like, give them, let them give you some entertainment.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  Controversial statement. You know, we're fucking fathers.

• 33:54Speaker 03

  I'm just saying, if you're getting high, watch the kid. That's not a controversial statement.

• 33:57Speaker 02

  Anytime I've been around a child.

• 33:59Speaker 03

  If you are high around a child, watch them.

• 34:01Speaker 02

  I'm mostly stoned.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  When I'm around a child.

• 34:04Speaker 03

  Put on fucking.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  I've been stoned.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, put on Metal by Pink Floyd.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, dude, and just be like.

• 34:09Speaker 03

  Put on a show.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  And explain to them what fucking Vietnam was about.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, get them used to it. But so, it's sad, right? I also believe, but part of me is one of those where I, I tend to think. Super Bowl parties and children should be separate.

• 34:30Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  And I think that children can be kept in a place away from adults. That's maybe my thought, right?

• 34:39Speaker 03

  They could have used a pack and play.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  They could have used a pack and play, but truly, I think it's really nice that it worked out like this. Uh, so the, the baby went in, uh, and it's a heartbreaking situation. Uh, they said they had smoked weed in the morning and they got the baby, they found the baby. So right now, I'm trying to see. According to crowdfunding, there's a crowdfunding thing up there. The baby is breathing. Um, and apparently he doesn't have serious brain damage.

• 35:05Speaker 03

  He's not a baby, he's a toddler. Eighteen months, he can say dada probably.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, I mean, hopefully.

• 35:12Speaker 03

  I mean, also, the cop who showed up, there was a doctor on the scene who pronounced him dead. And the cop's like, are you sure? The doctor's like, I'm a doctor.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  Eh, let's just say I like and no dead children. Okay, let me show you. First of all, I put the little silver mirror underneath his nose. Then I put two silver dollars on his eyes for the river Styx. So that he can pay Karen to take him to the other side.

• 35:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, cuz everyone's getting mad at the parents and yeah.

• 35:40Speaker 02

  Eh, yeah, of course.

• 35:42Speaker 03

  You shouldn't get, you know, you shouldn't get so high you don't know where your toddler is.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wouldn't.

• 35:46Speaker 03

  But the doctor.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  I'd be super paranoid about it.

• 35:48Speaker 03

  The doctor literally turned to the cop and said, please do your thing and let me do my thing. I went to medical school for a reason. Direct quote.

• 35:57Speaker 02

  Nothing makes me happier.

• 35:59Speaker 03

  Nothing makes me happy.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  Dead at the scene and then locked him in a drawer at the morgue. And? Done. Oh, what was that little twitch? Huh, who cares? I gotta go finish the Super Bowl. Oh my God, they're turning it all around!

• 36:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  Wasn't this also the worst Super Bowl of all time?

• 36:18Speaker 03

  I don't watch anymore.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  This is the last, was this last?

• 36:20Speaker 03

  There's just a reason not to watch.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  The last time I watched the Super Bowl was so fucking boring, I don't even know why I would lose track of my child. Right? Am I wrong? Man out there, side stories, L P O, side stories, L P O T L G, gmail dot com. What is the Super Bowl you would have lost your child at?

• 36:37Speaker 03

  Oh, it could have been during the halftime show.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Oh, Janet Jackson.

• 36:40Speaker 03

  No, Bad Bunny.

• 36:41Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 36:42Speaker 03

  It was Bad Bunny, everyone watched Bad Bunny.

• 36:43Speaker 02

  I was saying that during the time that I would be so distracted that I would lose control of a child.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  Maybe he was doing a Bad Bunny impersonation and just hopped in the pool.

• 36:50Speaker 02

  What, what, what, what's going on? Bad Bunny's. Got a super weird voice.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  Let's continue.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  This story, actually, I like that bunny. I like the whole thing.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Oh, no, it's, it's, it's good. It's fine. It's fine.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  All right. Now, Eddie.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  What?

• 37:04Speaker 02

  You have a bit of news.

• 37:05Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:06Speaker 02

  This story is honestly really nice, and this was one of those.

• 37:09Speaker 03

  Nice-ish. We don't know yet.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Natalie's also.

• 37:11Speaker 03

  Developing.

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Natalie's obsessed with the story.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Yeah. So, um, we got a guy. Everyone's been sending me this, and thank you very much. I appreciate you.

• 37:19Speaker 02

  Of course, that's for you. This is for you. You like big animals.

• 37:21Speaker 03

  Yeah. So Neil the Seal, okay? He's this Australian elephant seal, and he's been showing up to Hobart a whole bunch, and he's big. He's the only boy in town.

• 37:30Speaker 02

  Now, this is New Zealand, right?

• 37:32Speaker 03

  No, that's Hobart is Australia. That's the bottom of Australia.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  Got it.

• 37:36Speaker 03

  Um, Tasmania.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  So Tasmania, that's what it is. And so he's like, he's been, Neil the Seal has kind of apparently.

• 37:43Speaker 03

  This is Anders Br- not Anders Bravik. Who was the other guy?

• 37:46Speaker 02

  Martin Bryan.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Martin Bryan territory.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  Got it. The, now I know my favorite. Now I get it. Mm, yes, thank you.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  And so.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  Maybe he's just a fan.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  Maybe. He just wants to go do a true crime tour. So Neil the Seal apparently has made it a, like, uh, almost like a tradition.

• 38:03Speaker 03

  He comes back twice a year. As elephant seals do, they come back and it's usually one male ro- rules an area of females.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 38:11Speaker 03

  And Neil the Seal is in charge, but there really isn't that many females around, but they're coming in here and there. But Neil the Seal runs this area of Hobart. That's his beach, and he's gonna get bigger. He's two tons right now.

• 38:23Speaker 02

  It's fascinating. So they have to deal with him every time he shows up.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  He's cranky.

• 38:27Speaker 02

  Cause what he does is, it's both that, it seems that he's cranky slash wildly playful slash horny, where he's.

• 38:35Speaker 03

  Well, that's why he's there. He's there to fuck.

• 38:37Speaker 02

  Right. He's there to fuck. And so he's not fucking, so he's doing what all the cops told me the teenagers do when they don't fuck. They break shit, right? They break shit up.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  Rub against poles.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  Yes. So he then will fall asleep. In the highway and he just starts breaking shit.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, he likes to hang out in puddles.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  He likes signs.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, and basically you can't get within 20 meters of Neil the Seal. He's an elephant seal. They are very dangerous. They are very big. He will kill you. Um, a lot of people that in this is the real problem here. Not only is Neil the Seal like destructive, but the thing is, the real issue is he's become a celebrity.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:15Speaker 03

  And people want their fucking picture with him.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  I, yeah.

• 39:17Speaker 03

  And this is what's gonna get Neil fucking off.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, because someone's gonna get hurt by Neil and then they're gonna have to do something about it.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  Yeah. And it's, this is what happened. There was a walrus in Norway a couple of years ago. This happened. They had to off his ass.

• 39:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:31Speaker 03

  Cause he was cute, just sleeping on couches in the bay and then people just keep getting too close to him. And then they gotta fucking kill him because that's what happens. And I'm not saying I agree with the fact that they gotta kill him. I'm just saying that's what fucking happens.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  It will happen.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  You know, like.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  But he's really fun. It's like, I do like the idea that the town is embracing him and all of the police and the construction people try to make it kinda semi-safe for him. Cause there's like areas, there was like one thing that they showed that there was like one specific like fence. He liked to sleep on.

• 40:02Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, he just, they put up a fence to keep him out and he was like, fuck that shit. I hate you. I'm gonna ruin that fence. I'm gonna destroy it.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  But it's so cute. He just rips through this pole thing where he does this thing where they put up these like wood slats. And he just falls on them and falls on them and falls on them till they break and then he just rolls through and then he sleeps. And it's very cute. He like rolls around. He's obviously like playing. He kinda has like, it's like both. He's obviously super horny and aggressive, but he's also sort of like having a good time.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, 2,000, 2,200 pounds out of just piece of blubber.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  Just destroying shit and they have to deal with him every year and every year he comes back, he gets bigger.

• 40:41Speaker 03

  Yes, and apparently he's not gonna reach full size until he's 10.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  That's awesome.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  And he's five now.

• 40:46Speaker 02

  That's so much fun.

• 40:48Speaker 03

  Even bigger. This is his beach. He owns this shit. The problem is that people wanna get too close to him or there's other people. You just hate him because he's fucking up the neighborhood.

• 41:00Speaker 02

  I get that, but yeah, they're fucking dude. He was there before you, bro. I guess not.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  No, well, I mean, elephant seals were.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  And that here is one of the weird problems is they haven't been there in a long time. But now elephant seals are doing a little better than they were, and they're showing up to places where they used to be. And now there's a shit ton of people and they're not having a good time co-mingling.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  Well, how does elephant seal taste?

• 41:23Speaker 03

  Not good.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, so they can't just eat.

• 41:26Speaker 03

  They're all over California.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, cuz we eat them, right?

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Oh, we'd eat the shit out of them if we could.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wonder why we don't.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  Because I, you know, it's a lot of the mammals in the ocean, they're full of mercury.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  Oh, sure.

• 41:36Speaker 03

  You shouldn't be eating whale. You shouldn't be eating dolphin. You know, you get a big head or you get your kids, your kids get a big head.

• 41:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, unpalatable meat, past overhunting, then nearly drove them to extinction. So at some point, people are just like, it's just disgusting and it's really gross.

• 41:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, yeah, cuz they look.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  Dark, gamey, and it's a strong metallic flavor.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  They're protected. All animals should be protected. Uh, but yeah, so there is a petition, um, to make sure he doesn't get euthanized. Make sure you go and sign it if you care about Neil the Seal.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  We all care about Neil the Seal.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  I signed it. I think everyone else should sign it. Not that I think my signature should matter in Tasmania.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  No.

• 42:10Speaker 03

  But, um.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  But it's fun that they allowed us the option.

• 42:13Speaker 03

  Yes. Do you know, there's a, uh, speaking of Tasmania, you know, the, um, you know, that Wu-Tang album? That, that the Pharma Bro bought and that none of us got to listen?

• 42:23Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  They play it at a, at a, at a museum in Tasmania.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  Weird.

• 42:28Speaker 03

  Isn't that weird? It's the only place you can go listen to it, is standing in that museum in Tasmania.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  Wu-Tang, but I don't wanna go.

• 42:33Speaker 03

  What Neil's all about. Maybe he's just a fucking Wu-Tang fan.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 42:37Speaker 03

  And he just wants to hear the secret album.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  She's a fucking knight of Shaolin?

• 42:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  Dude, cream, man.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  I bet dude fucking chum rules everything around me. That's fucking huge dude.

• 42:51Speaker 03

  Um, yes, but uh, he uh, he will be getting bigger and but most elephant seals do die before they get to the breeding age, but I think Neil isn't going to because he's a big old boy and he seems to be king of the beach.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Hey, and you know what I say, somebody fuck him.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  Also, I mean, don't worry about that.

• 43:09Speaker 02

  Somebody fuck him.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  Oh no, Neil's throwing it down, don't worry about that. Um, I will say, if you have free time, I definitely scared uh, my neighbor on an airplane recently when I was watching a bunch of elephant seal fights. Cause they get violent. Have you ever watched it?

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Oh sure.

• 43:27Speaker 03

  Just them slamming into each other and they digging their fucking mouths into each other and just blood flying everywhere, ripping each other's noses off, it's fucking awesome.

• 43:34Speaker 02

  I watched that Ethan Hawke movie, Blue Moon.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  No, okay.

• 43:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  So same. Yeah, see, I, it's me, I'm listening to my Donald Byrd jazz. It's just elephant seals slamming into each other. Yeah, it's the, it's really a great way to experience life.

• 43:50Speaker 02

  No, I, I only watch, that's where I watch dramas, I watch them on planes.

• 43:53Speaker 03

  You watch drama, well, this is a drama.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  It is.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  This is a drama, the ultimate drama of life.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  It's action. Honestly, if I wanted to see this, I'd watch Brendan Fraser struggle to get out of his fucking trailer.

• 44:04Speaker 03

  Oh, come on. He's a whale, not a seal.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  That fucking new movie's about the weather.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:12Speaker 02

  That movie looks so fucking stupid.

• 44:14Speaker 03

  That's how many war war two movies there's been.

• 44:16Speaker 02

  That was about the fucking weather.

• 44:18Speaker 03

  This one's like, they, we would have never won if this guy didn't study weather.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  But, but, but what if there's clouds? But, but what if there's clouds?

• 44:28Speaker 03

  It's fucking D-Day. There's gotta be clouds.

• 44:31Speaker 02

  We don't want them to go if it's raining. We don't want them to go if it's too rainy.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  But it wasn't a tornado. I, I literally, I, I'm glad you said something, that makes no sense to me.

• 44:44Speaker 02

  I was so angry.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  I couldn't believe it.

• 44:46Speaker 02

  I thought, I was like, so this entire war war two epic is about the weather?

• 44:50Speaker 03

  I was like, I'd rather fucking shoot myself in the head, it's a movie about a-

• 44:55Speaker 02

  Cloud.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  It's like the worst.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  Shit I've ever heard.

• 44:59Speaker 03

  It's like the horrible conversation you get stuck in with your family.

• 45:02Speaker 02

  For three hours. And boring. And you gotta watch Brendan Fraser who's out of practice.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, and you go.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Wow, hot takes today. Yeah. Really coming in hot, dude. For Brendan, I like Brendan Fraser. I like him. I can't wait for him in the Mummy movies. Honestly think he's gonna be great coming back to the Mummy movies. He's just a serious actor.

• 45:20Speaker 03

  Should call it the tummy.

• 45:22Speaker 02

  That's the sequel to The Whale.

• 45:24Speaker 03

  He's gotten big, yeah.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  That's the sequel to The Whale, but he dies in that, so we can't bring him back unless he comes back kind of like a Jason.

• 45:28Speaker 03

  I brought this up before, but.

• 45:30Speaker 02

  So necessary, so net, so wanting to see gay porn and eat fried chicken again. He comes back from the dead. The Whale 2.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Can you believe, I'm so, I brought this up before, The Whale. Not one fart.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  Not one.

• 45:43Speaker 03

  Not one fucking fart.

• 45:44Speaker 02

  You mean to tell me a 600 pound man's like.

• 45:46Speaker 03

  Fat man dying.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  600 pound man's life, not one.

• 45:50Speaker 03

  Movie, the movie should have ended with a long fart.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  Especially a gay one.

• 45:56Speaker 03

  Right?

• 45:56Speaker 02

  He's been fucked in the butt.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  Right?

• 45:59Speaker 02

  I don't think he has been. I think that's part of the problem. Side stories, L P O T L at gmail dot com.

• 46:03Speaker 03

  Is the whale a bottom? No, I don't think he got it ever. I think he just likes it.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  Let's give it up for our billionaires.

• 46:10Speaker 03

  I ain't giving it all up for our billionaires, let's cover the story real quick, okay?

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Go ahead, what is this?

• 46:15Speaker 04

  Every family has one. The person who says, oh, I don't want anything this year. Cool. Super helpful. Here's the fix. Coop Sleep Goods. It's the rare gift that gets used every single night instead of shoved in a closet by January. Coop's Holiday Gift Guide is now 25% off. Packed with best-selling adjustable pillows, cooling sheets, and toppers. And while you're there, grab one for yourself. I mean, you've been powering through this whole year on fumes. You've earned it. Every order comes with a 100-night trial, so there's no guesswork. Give yourself a damn break. Get 25% off the Holiday Gift Guide for a limited time at coopssleepgoods.com slash comedy. That's C O O P, sleepgoods.com slash comedy.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Brian Johnson, not our favorite person from ACDC.

• 47:09Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  This is-

• 47:10Speaker 03

  Well, then fuck it.

• 47:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. Why are we even covering it? This is, you guys don't know, it's the Mormon vampire. First of all, that's a big slept on thing that I think no one's talking about with Brian Johnson. For those of you who don't remember, Brian Johnson is this guy that has basically said straight up, "I have reversed aging. I am gonna be the first ever person to live forever." His whole thing was that he's been draining blood from his son and from young people. He consumes exactly 1,977 calories a day from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. He has got his way down to a specific thing. He believes he only ages eight months out of every 12, which is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. It doesn't make any sense. It means nothing.

• 47:49Speaker 03

  Doesn't make sense. How old is he?

• 47:51Speaker 02

  He is, uh, whatever it is, it's 12, eight, four months less. So he's 48 years old, and so he made this big deal about how he's like biologically-

• 48:00Speaker 03

  His face looks 54 at least.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  He's disgusting.

• 48:02Speaker 03

  His body looks fine, but his face looks horrible.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  And in truly, the most wonderful set of, uh, just, I just love the universe in many ways. It doesn't give us everything we want, but it gives us the things that we need. And Brian Johnson having an incurable stomach disease because of the things that he's done to himself, makes me laugh and makes me know that there's maybe somebody looking out for us. Because this guy now has this thing called, it's, it's a, it's a form of intense gastritis. His stomach has eaten itself. He refuses to fix it the normal way because he believes he can fix it his way, which means what, Eddie?

• 48:36Speaker 03

  He's gonna die.

• 48:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:37Speaker 02

  And so that's the, one of the best parts about it is that his whole experiment's gonna be-

• 48:41Speaker 03

  He's gonna Vanderbeek it.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  In, yes, he is, Eddie. You are correct. It's gonna rip through his whole life. It's gonna destroy him. He's already tried to drain his son of blood. His son managed to survive. And so that's a-

• 48:52Speaker 03

  Sons, do not give your father all of your blood. Just don't. My dad asked me for a kidney. I was like, fuck you, bro.

• 48:59Speaker 02

  Dude, you're like, man, seriously. It's just like, you got how many, how many months you got left?

• 49:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:06Speaker 02

  And you want my good ass kidney?

• 49:07Speaker 03

  You want my fucking liquor-soaked kidney?

• 49:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, fuck you, dad.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  I gotta strain this thing out to give it to you, and then I don't get to drink anymore?

• 49:15Speaker 02

  Can I just put it this way?

• 49:16Speaker 03

  Fuck your ass.

• 49:16Speaker 02

  Exactly. Your job as a parent, we're not parents, that's why I love talking confidently about it, but your job as a parent is to create another sentient creature, that's it. You don't, they have no other reason to, they don't have to follow anything you say, they don't have to talk, they don't have to take care of you.

• 49:34Speaker 03

  Your child is not a fucking organ farm.

• 49:37Speaker 02

  They don't have to do anything, they literally, you just allowed another consciousness to exist, and that's it. Yeah, you gotta keep it alive, but after that, unfortunately, guys, your son is not yours to do with what you want. So Brian Johnson tried to do that, he did milk his whole family for their blood. None of it works. He's been doing all this kind of stuff, and it makes, I mean, a lot to me because, yes, I am one of those, would I live forever? Maybe. The only thing I think about with living forever is, who's gonna pay for it? Who's gonna pay for my ass when I'm fucking 150 years old? What status am I gonna be at, at 150 years old? Am I gonna be able to, is it, what kind of alive am I gonna be at 150 years old?

• 50:18Speaker 03

  Which is almost double the age of 80, and think of every 80 year old you know right now.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  They all wanna be dead, or they wanna end the world itself.

• 50:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, their kneecaps are about to fucking pop out of their eyeballs.

• 50:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, and they're so angry about it, they wanna punish all the rest of us. This is why every 80 year old's clinging to life.

• 50:34Speaker 03

  And you wanna keep him around for another 70 years?

• 50:36Speaker 02

  I know, I feel like-

• 50:37Speaker 03

  That's a nightmare.

• 50:38Speaker 02

  I think like before we get this batch of 150s, I think we need to kill this batch of 85s first. I think this batch of 85s has to go. They can't be the 150s.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  I don't think they're going to be, Henry.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Mitch McConnell is currently soup, and we are sitting waiting for his fucking ass to finally cool.

• 50:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, just take him off the fucking stove already.

• 50:58Speaker 02

  They don't want to because then they have, then we get another guy in. So they're just letting him sit on a warming plate because he's just meat right now.

• 51:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, he really is.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  He's just garbage.

• 51:09Speaker 03

  I mean, he's been meat for a long time.

• 51:10Speaker 02

  Our pedophile president is literally also- Just turning into liquid shit.

• 51:15Speaker 03

  How is he not on our list? We fucked that up. McConnell should have been on our list.

• 51:19Speaker 02

  We brought it up afterwards. We said no politics. Yeah, we brought it up afterwards. You guys said no politics, but he was mentioned, so.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  We got Pope Leo in there, isn't that politics?

• 51:26Speaker 02

  No, unfortunately, it's fucking fake, even more fake shit.

• 51:32Speaker 02

  Fucking, it's a king of nonsense world where as long as you're not gay, it doesn't matter.

• 51:36Speaker 03

  So how did McConnell get so sick? Did someone leave him on his back for too long like a turtle?

• 51:41Speaker 02

  No, McConnell's just, McConnell's been fucked.

• 51:44Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, cuz he shorts out occasionally.

• 51:47Speaker 02

  But I also have this kind of little, little theory that the part of the reason why I like.

• 51:51Speaker 03

  Drooler of the house.

• 51:54Speaker 02

  I wanna fucking kill him myself. Can I end him? Can I do what? Can I do it with my hands? Wouldn't take much, dude. I'd give money to a charity to do it.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Oh, man.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  But I have a theory.

• 52:04Speaker 03

  This would be great when he dies before this episode comes out.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, hopefully. I'm bringing, I hope, whips. That's the one time the curse would be awesome. It would be awesome. So I, I have this theory about these billionaire guys, kinda like with Jeff Bezos about how he tried to go to space and he found out it really sucked. And so that's why he stopped talking about going to space anymore. I, I really do think a lot of what we're seeing with the Peter Thiel's of the world and the, with the guy, the Taika Waititi looking motherfucker. Um, from, uh, uh, the other one, OpenAI, all from Palantir and from this guy. I do weirdly think that they're running these kind of like test lives to see what they can do to the rest of us. And see what we can possibly live on. I think that the billionaire class would love to figure out a way to make us all be able to

• 52:49Speaker 02

  just be able to live on like food cubes and some kind of like, kind of air, arialized water or something. I think there's like a way that they kinda wish there was a way to kinda cut the food and water supply out of it too. And I, I think Brian Johnson is sort of an experiment to see if we can get people really down to nothing.

• 53:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 02

  And then we can then force them to live like that. Like, and then we can stop worrying about like feeding them.

• 53:21Speaker 03

  I mean, he's worried, he's not feeding himself.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  That's what I'm saying is that I feel like, are they trying to create a system in which they can finally get rid of all this stuff about food chains? And food supplies and water supplies and stuff like that, so they can figure out a way to make us sort of like plants.

• 53:34Speaker 03

  Oh, he started taking an iron supplement.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  That's big.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  So he should be fine.

• 53:38Speaker 02

  Natalie just did as well, yeah.

• 53:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, I will say. Um, this guy, here's, okay, I'm gonna say something nice about him. Are you ready for this? At least he did the experimenting on himself.

• 53:50Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  You know, and he didn't do it on a bunch of fucking rats and humans.

• 53:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, but honestly, you know, it might have-

• 53:55Speaker 03

  At least he was his own science experiment.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  He might have learned more. You see what his TikTok is? Immortal unk. Yeah, fuck this fucker. I can't wait to watch him get fucking die being hit by a bread truck or something. Like, that's like what's gonna happen to him. But I just think it's important to remember that all of these billionaires are really like, that's kind of the system we're now in right now, which is, I think that's why they're trying to do the aspirational thing towards the billionaires. Because the idea is to like, see if they can live without food and water and stuff like, if they can all live like this and just on pills and stuff, so can you. And it's desirable. Like, this life is desirable. Like, the idea that AIs is inevitable thing, like, oh no, it's desirable. You not being able to think or do anything also on your own is also super desirable.

• 54:38Speaker 03

  I would love it if they just blew up his yacht the moment before he died soon. Yeah, just right before, right before he died, just like, hey, watch this.

• 54:45Speaker 02

  Either way-

• 54:45Speaker 03

  Blow up the yacht and make it a coral reef.

• 54:47Speaker 02

  Nothing, also, I would say if you want to never have sex with a man ever again, see the ick footage of him with an umbrella in Australia because the sun's too strong for him. And then the fact that he went out and he did a clinical test of his girlfriend's vagina to show why he clinically made it as tasty as possible.

• 55:05Speaker 03

  His, what?

• 55:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 55:07Speaker 03

  He made his wife's vagina-

• 55:09Speaker 02

  Girlfriend.

• 55:10Speaker 03

  Girlfriend's vagina?

• 55:11Speaker 02

  He did a-

• 55:11Speaker 03

  Clinically, is Tate, what he just-

• 55:13Speaker 02

  They did pH tests on it to get it dialed in.

• 55:17Speaker 03

  You know, you know what fixes that? Peanut butter.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  You disgust him. Are you a Labrador Retriever? Are you, are you in Daryl Castro's house?

• 55:29Speaker 03

  It seems like he spent a lot of money on stuff that peanut butter could have fixed.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  It does sound like, well, it sounds like you got him. Oh, God, I hate this human being so fucking much. He is pure scum. This picture of him, these, all these guys dancing, it's like him and Elon Musk, these guys all, these guys are fucking just, this is, we are in such bad shape as a culture right now.

• 55:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, you know.

• 55:50Speaker 02

  That's fine.

• 55:50Speaker 03

  But he's dying.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  Speaking of, a guy named Santa Claus was arrested on child exploitation. Oh no.

• 55:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, baby. Well, legally changed his name to Santa Claus. Yeah, that's right, yeah. They baited him and they got him in an undercover sting and Santa Claus showed up to the 13 year old's house to have sex with him.

• 56:07Speaker 02

  Or you just think that Santa Claus would-

• 56:09Speaker 03

  Now he ain't looking for Jingle Bells?

• 56:10Speaker 02

  I just feel like Santa Claus would know who's nice and naughty. And I feel like when it comes down to it, Santa Claus-

• 56:14Speaker 03

  So he's fucking taking advantage of the naughty kids?

• 56:18Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 56:18Speaker 03

  He's like, "You're fucking naughty, you wanna fucking move up the ranks?"

• 56:22Speaker 02

  And now that's how we just got to an Epstein update.

• 56:25Speaker 03

  What?

• 56:25Speaker 02

  That's what, no, no, I'm just saying, that's our, that's Santa Claus as Jeffrey Epstein with his blackmail-

• 56:32Speaker 03

  Oh my god. Imagine that if we, like, the fucking, that's how we find out Santa Claus was real, is that he's in the-

• 56:38Speaker 02

  He's just been molesting, he's been molesting all the naughty kids? Cause he knows he won't say anything?

• 56:43Speaker 03

  Santa Claus is real and he goes to Epstein Island?

• 56:45Speaker 02

  And he molests the naughty kids cause they know that they won't, and some of them kind, some of them were like, "I'll fuck your neck", you know, like-

• 56:51Speaker 03

  I was wondering why there were so many fucking reindeer in St. Thomas?

• 56:57Speaker 02

  They're sweating. Well, I'm glad we had this thought experiment. This dude does not look like Santa Claus, man.

• 57:03Speaker 03

  You're right, Rob.

• 57:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're right.

• 57:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:05Speaker 02

  God, really? Good. Took him down a peg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  You're right. I don't think he is. I might even say he might not be.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  I will say though, I do really love the fact that he wore all red to the pickup.

• 57:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:19Speaker 02

  He wore a red outfit like he was Santa Claus to go have sex with the child.

• 57:26Speaker 03

  You know, they call him Santa Claus because he doesn't trim his phone nails. Toenails.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  Shit.

• 57:32Speaker 03

  They call him Santa Claus cause he doesn't trim his toenails. And their claws.

• 57:37Speaker 02

  Ew.

• 57:37Speaker 03

  Ah, I said phone nails.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, you did.

• 57:40Speaker 03

  But I meant toenails.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  I can't remember, I can't unhear it.

• 57:43Speaker 03

  But his toenails are claws.

• 57:45Speaker 02

  I can't unhear what you said before. I can't even hear the message and the stuff that you made, the mistakes you've made that we're now in.

• 57:53Speaker 03

  Rough place to be a sugar plum, I'll tell you that much.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, right up that fucking guy's ass. I feel like she calls Sugar Club Plums is what he calls it when he has hemorrhoids.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  If anyone changes their name to Santa Claus, put them in prison.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Shoot them in the head. Just shoot them in the fucking head.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  They're trying to get too close to children.

• 58:07Speaker 02

  They're lying to people. Guess who doesn't exist? Santa Claus.

• 58:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:10Speaker 02

  If I just started showing up being like, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

• 58:14Speaker 03

  Not just that.

• 58:14Speaker 02

  If I changed my name legally to Easter Bunny Zebrowski, you'd fucking arrest me.

• 58:17Speaker 03

  You know how many people dress up as Santa Claus every year and don't call themselves Santa Claus?

• 58:22Speaker 02

  If you need to be the most Santa Claus of all Santa Claus, you're trying to lie to the kids. Cause also since when has Santa Claus ever had a kid sit on his knee and he asked him what he wanted and the kid says, "A good railin'?"

• 58:36Speaker 03

  I bet it's happened once or twice.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  "I need a good old fucking dugout. Get Santa, get me, get me, you know what I mean?"

• 58:43Speaker 03

  How old are you?

• 58:44Speaker 02

  What is even happening here?

• 58:46Speaker 03

  He was on a dating app.

• 58:47Speaker 02

  This is a penthouse letter.

• 58:49Speaker 03

  Santa Claus was on a dating app?

• 58:50Speaker 02

  He was on a, that's how they called him. He was on a dating app.

• 58:52Speaker 03

  For kids?

• 58:53Speaker 02

  I don't know if it was for kids, but imagine coming across Santa Claus on a dating app. Oh, he's on Grindr.

• 58:57Speaker 03

  Okay, Cupid. Cause Cupid's one of the reindeer?

• 59:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. He was on Grindr.

• 59:03Speaker 03

  Not bad.

• 59:04Speaker 02

  He was on Grindr and they posed as a child on Grindr.

• 59:06Speaker 03

  He was on a dating app, DoorDash-er.

• 59:09Speaker 02

  Ew.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  Santa Claus fucks kids. I like those in our notes.

• 59:15Speaker 03

  Alright, here we go.

• 59:17Speaker 02

  I think we'll have to send a listener email, right?

• 59:19Speaker 03

  I love listener emails. Do we have any new stingers? Have people been sending them in?

• 59:22Speaker 02

  We don't have any new ones. So if anybody wants to send a new one in, we could use a new one.

• 59:26Speaker 03

  Ah, you know what? Can I put out a request? If anyone's like got a reggae thing going on or like some xylophone, I would love to hear a xylophone listener email or some reggae listener email, you know, auction. You know, I figure I ask for it. It's always like metal.

• 59:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is.

• 59:40Speaker 03

  Which I love. It is like our, our people.

• 59:43Speaker 02

  Our wheelhouse. And no AI, no AI stingers. We can, anybody can do that. Cause I, we've, people try to send us AI stingers and pass them off as their.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, we know. We can run through a thing.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  You're, I'm not gonna play your AI stingers ever, so don't send them.

• 59:55Speaker 03

  Also, yeah, also Rob can do that.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I can. Yeah, we all can do that.

• 59:59Speaker 03

  Rob can handle, we don't need you for that.

• 1:00:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I could fake, I could fake an AI stinger if I needed to, and I don't.

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. So yeah, please.

• 1:00:05Speaker 02

  To be honest, actually Eddie, I don't think I can.

• 1:00:08Speaker 03

  You don't think, you don't know how to do it?

• 1:00:10Speaker 02

  I don't know how any of it works.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  Actually, yeah, I've never tried it before.

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  I don't know how people do it.

• 1:00:14Speaker 03

  I never really went on it before.

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  That's what's nice about getting to this age where truly I could just choose not to.

• 1:00:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like I wouldn't do TikTok. What makes you think I'm gonna do fucking ChatGPT?

• 1:00:26Speaker 02

  I'm trying to make things. Why would I want the thing to make things?

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  It's yeah, it's it's it's like someone tried to do this to me recently, trying to pitch me on this comedy AI thing. They sent me this long thing. It was like, I think with someone with your talent could really use this and it would help you.

• 1:00:39Speaker 02

  No, that's an insult.

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  Don't you understand? I like doing the work.

• 1:00:42Speaker 02

  It's called the artistic process.

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  Yes, it's enjoyable to me. I do this because I like it. I'm not cheating.

• 1:00:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's not cheating. Yeah, I'm not going to also. Yeah, why am I trying? What am I winning here?

• 1:00:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah.

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  What are you talking about? Fucking jerk offs. I say we we get a new disease that wipes out 20% of us.

• 1:01:01Speaker 03

  Let's go to the next one. We tried. I just say we just get one more.

• 1:01:04Speaker 02

  The screw worm's getting close. The screw worm's getting up here, so he's gonna.

• 1:01:07Speaker 03

  Screw little screw worm.

• 1:01:08Speaker 02

  Screw worm's on the list.

• 1:01:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:11Speaker 02

  Screw little screw worm. Here we go.

• 1:01:15Speaker 03

  Well, that's what Brian Johnson could use. Screw worm to eat all of his guts out.

• 1:01:19Speaker 02

  That's cool. I remember 15 years ago, this came from maternal instinct. There's a response uh that we talked last week about the lady faking her pregnancy. We talked about we talked about pathological liars.

• 1:01:30Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:01:31Speaker 02

  I had a coworker, we'll call her Connie, faked pregnancy during my own pregnancy.

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  God damn it, Connie.

• 1:01:36Speaker 02

  And her mom, Bonnie. Yeah, real names. Matched just like that. Was either completely in it on it or just too afraid of her daughter to contradict her. As Connie was very large, frightening, volatile woman, early twenties. She copied every detail of my pregnancy and went as far as throwing a real baby shower that some of our coworkers actually attended. It was 2011. I was working in a family owned truck stop diner. And that is the best place to be pregnant and work.

• 1:02:05Speaker 03

  I think yeah, I think you actually kind of have to be to get hired.

• 1:02:07Speaker 02

  That's what I would do. Yeah, and smoke. And I just told my coworkers that I was expecting. The very next day, I arrive for my shift and I overhear Connie talking about her pregnancy at a table of customers. Some clocking in my other coworker and Connie's mother Bonnie asks if I've heard the news. And happily tells me that Connie and I are preggo buddies and that Connie was having twins and her due date was the same as mine. As I politely congratulated her and I can see my other coworkers behind her shaking their heads and mouthing, no, she's not. None of my other coworkers bought Connie's story whatsoever. They'd all worked there for years. Connie was a known pathological liar.

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  You're gonna fake a pregnancy, don't do it with twins.

• 1:02:47Speaker 02

  Also, I'd say if you're a manager of something, fire a known pathological liar.

• 1:02:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, just go ahead and do it.

• 1:02:56Speaker 02

  Just fire him.

• 1:02:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, you can lay him off.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  Even if it's stuff that's got nothing to do with work, fire them. They're bad news.

• 1:03:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, or you know what the best, if it's a cook thing and you don't wanna like pay the, the, the whatchamacallit, the, uh, what's it, when you fire somebody, uh,

• 1:03:11Speaker 02

  Sometimes you can-

• 1:03:11Speaker 03

  Unemployment, yeah. Or you don't wanna pay him that.

• 1:03:13Speaker 02

  You don't normally do, normally with you fire somebody, you don't have to.

• 1:03:16Speaker 03

  Take him down to half a shift a week. Let him deal with that.

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  It's evil.

• 1:03:19Speaker 03

  But I did that to a couple of people.

• 1:03:20Speaker 02

  Especially they're completely-

• 1:03:21Speaker 03

  But they were really bad.

• 1:03:21Speaker 02

  Well, especially if they're mentally ill and you're trying to slowly fold them out.

• 1:03:24Speaker 03

  Well, that's, you know.

• 1:03:25Speaker 02

  That's it, yeah.

• 1:03:26Speaker 03

  That's evil.

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  Now, this wasn't the first fake pregnancy, well, no, I'm saying if they're actually evilly mentally ill. I'm talking about evil mental, never actually, not sick people, I'm talking about people that are dangerous.

• 1:03:36Speaker 03

  Oh, shy.

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  Pathological liars are dangerous.

• 1:03:39Speaker 03

  They certainly are.

• 1:03:40Speaker 02

  Um, this one went on the longest by far, they had, she had already apparently did another first fake pregnancy, right? So for months, we'd all side each, side eye at each other when the topic of Connie's twins came up, and especially when she wouldn't, she would blatantly do things pregnant women shouldn't do. Like pounding energy drinks all day, every day, I don't think I ever started to drink something that wasn't a monster. Routinely starting fistfights in the truck stop parking lot.

• 1:04:04Speaker 03

  I don't kinda, Connie's a pip.

• 1:04:07Speaker 02

  Not to mention, all of her sonogram pictures were clearly printed off the internet at home with any identifying details blacked out with a Sharpie. You're probably thinking, how far could this possibly go? Because surely, as soon as Connie never started to grow a baby bump, the jig would be up.

• 1:04:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  However, Connie and Bonnie were both very large, rotund women. Connie herself was about six foot, three fifty- 350 pounds.

• 1:04:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:04:33Speaker 02

  Even if she was pregnant, it would be hard to tell. So between the huge size difference between her and I, and her ability to endlessly lie with a straight face, a co-conspirator mother who would say and do anything to keep her happy, and her explosive anger, I certainly wasn't gonna call her on her bullshit. Exactly.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:52Speaker 02

  This is the problem, guys. A few months later, when I-

• 1:04:55Speaker 03

  It's not, as a fellow employee, it's not her job.

• 1:04:57Speaker 02

  It's not her, it's not her job, it is her boss's job.

• 1:04:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:00Speaker 02

  A few months later, when I found out I was having a girl, what do you know? Connie's twins are girls. When I complained about some pregnancy-related issues I was having, she began bragging about how easy this pregnancy was for her.

• 1:05:11Speaker 03

  It was, it was easy for her.

• 1:05:13Speaker 02

  Because it's fake.

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:15Speaker 02

  Because even though she was only six months along, as was I, she was already dilating, and her doctor told her she was gonna have an easy peasy labor and delivery. That was another red flag. Not just because dilating that early would be something she'd be hospitalized in or on a strict bedrest for, it also because she was planting seeds to explain how she bounced back so quickly after the birth.

• 1:05:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:35Speaker 02

  When I handed out invitations for my baby shower the very next day, Bonnie and Connie came in with their own invitations for Connie's shower, and it was being held exactly one week before mine. This is when I thought the facade was gonna end, because of course they're not gonna throw an actual baby shower for a painfully obvious pretend pregnancy, right? And if they did, no one's gonna go. But I learned that day that sometimes crazy has no limits. And an actual baby shower actually happened. And some of our coworkers even attended, despite knowing that this was all a lie. I think we all just wanted to see how far the lie would go.

• 1:06:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, I, you know, morbid curiosity.

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  Oh, now it's too late, now I'm into it too, I wanna see.

• 1:06:10Speaker 03

  If you're working at a truck stop and that's all you do, you know, this is entertainment.

• 1:06:14Speaker 02

  Oh, it's better than Marvel, right? Weirdly, I was the only coworker not invited. But I was more than happy to volunteer to work a double to cover them. Because an actually, as, cause as an actually expected mother, I was not gonna spend money on a present for Connie's make-believe twins. After Connie's baby shower, my family, friends, coworkers, and I stopped being amused by the saga, and all agreed this was now heading into a scary, maybe fetal abduction territory.

• 1:06:38Speaker 03

  Was it BYOB? I feel like that's important. If there was free beer, I can see why people showed up.

• 1:06:42Speaker 02

  Absolutely, or if it was, uh, I thought it was gonna be bring your own baby, and she didn't.

• 1:06:47Speaker 02

  That's what I was about to say, yeah, because she did not. So how would, I don't even know, she can't even go against her own RSVP. It went to the point that all my manager took about herself to move me to a later shift so Connie, Bonnie and I would never cross paths during the day. What a fucking pussy. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry much longer because just a few days after my baby shower, Connie's a no-show for several days. Eventually tells us that Connie quit because she miscarried the babies. And at this point, we were both on our final six weeks of pregnancy. It's not a miscarriage at that point. It's a stillbirth. But since all of us working there knew that there was no twins to begin with, nobody corrected her.

• 1:07:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:25Speaker 02

  However, when regulars would ask Bonnie about Connie and the babies, Bonnie then pretended like she had no idea what they were talking about. A few regulars were so weirded out by Bonnie's blatant gaslighting that some refused to be waited on by Bonnie again. I'm wondering if they've given her Connie gifts or money for the babies and then they were lied to.

• 1:07:43Speaker 03

  Yes, you know they did.

• 1:07:45Speaker 02

  By the way, I don't know what happened after that because I left for maternity leave shortly after this and then I quit for good weeks later. I'm just happy that I didn't end up with an amateur C-section at the hands of Bonnie and Connie.

• 1:07:55Speaker 03

  Woo!

• 1:07:56Speaker 02

  Honestly, I think that you are correct. I think you are right to think that. I, I, I really think we have to stop minimizing behaviors that speak to much worse stuff. Like, I get, I, I'm, I get problems with driving angry, right? One of the reasons why I drive angry, and I talk about this in therapy, why I get angry when I drive, is because I have a distinct issue with whatever I deal with with OCD. I moralize many things. I view certain things make you a good person, certain things make you a bad person.

• 1:08:28Speaker 03

  And you love screaming the words fuck you.

• 1:08:30Speaker 02

  It's my favorite. And so I, but there's a part of me that knows it not moralize, but there's certain things I look at that I can't help but feeling that way. And one thing to me is that it shows to me somebody's character quite a bit when they're visibly on the phone while driving. There's something about that that makes me so livid.

• 1:08:49Speaker 03

  Like holding it against their face?

• 1:08:50Speaker 02

  Looking at it, looking down at it, not, not paying attention to what they're doing. They're gonna kill somebody, they're gonna- Kill all of us, right? And there's a good thing about that, that in my mind is indicative of a much larger, not just attention span problem, but literally an empathy problem. Like a, a lack of understanding that we are surrounded by others doing the same thing that also need to traverse safely through and quickly through society. And that when I see somebody doing that, to me, it speaks to, you couldn't give a fuck if I live or die.

• 1:09:25Speaker 03

  That's how I feel about speeding.

• 1:09:26Speaker 02

  But it depends on, it's a life, the type of speeding, right? I don't, I don't.

• 1:09:30Speaker 03

  Just because you're a good driver, doesn't mean everyone else is.

• 1:09:33Speaker 02

  But I also, there's also something to driving too slow. I'm just saying altogether, something like, something like pathological lying is a symbol of very bad behavior.

• 1:09:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:45Speaker 02

  And it is going to escalate, always. It does not end there. If you're willing to lie about something like that, you're willing to do anything.

• 1:09:53Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 1:09:54Speaker 02

  Because you will eventually do something to try to, you're, you're heading towards an end point.

• 1:09:59Speaker 03

  So what do you think? Do you cut someone out or do you call them out?

• 1:10:03Speaker 02

  I say, uh, these days.

• 1:10:05Speaker 03

  Cut them out.

• 1:10:06Speaker 02

  Cut them out.

• 1:10:06Speaker 03

  Cause like, you don't need to fucking become their police.

• 1:10:10Speaker 02

  Somebody that has been found to lie and has never once apologized before it or never kind of said, this is what's really going on. Someone that doubles down, also somebody that doesn't take no for an answer. That's another big thing of mine is that when I find that when someone does not take no for an answer, it means that you don't care about my will and that you don't care how I feel about a thing. And I don't care whether it's about french fries or if it's about, and like the most innocuous, like, or if it's something really serious. The second you don't take no for an answer from me, I'm not talking to you anymore.

• 1:10:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, I fucking hate salesmen.

• 1:10:44Speaker 02

  Yep. But that's part of me just being like, I'm just done. I'm done. Once I've said no. That gate is cla- that gate is closed.

• 1:10:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:10:51Speaker 02

  Cause I'm not gonna do that. So, to me, it's one of those where you see something, I guess, because it's interesting. Cause I find pathological liars fascinating.

• 1:10:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I didn't, I never got it. Like, I never understood pathological liars.

• 1:11:04Speaker 02

  There is nothing to get. There's nothing to get. It is a sign of psychopathy.

• 1:11:09Speaker 03

  It's so hard.

• 1:11:10Speaker 02

  No, it's because they don't wanna do the real work of doing something, because the real work-

• 1:11:14Speaker 03

  Which is easier than keeping up all your goddamn lies.

• 1:11:16Speaker 02

  See, we say that because we work hard and we do hard work all the time. And we work on ourselves and we do things that are difficult. And there are some people that don't do a single hard thing ever. That chick is working as a waitress with her mother at a fucking truck stop diner.

• 1:11:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:33Speaker 02

  Ambition stopped there. Like, I don't need you to be a charger for a Fortune 500 company.

• 1:11:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:39Speaker 02

  But just the idea that, like, and you can have a simple life, I think it's all fine. It's all fine. It's just really about what you do with it. And it's like, some of these people, like, stuff like this, if I was a manager of that, you can find two waitresses and a fucking blink, throw a rock, you can hit them.

• 1:11:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:52Speaker 02

  Like, in that, in that place. It's like, as soon as they start lying about stuff that's completely inconsequential, and then doubling down on the lie.

• 1:11:59Speaker 03

  If they're lying and they work for you, they're gonna end up stealing.

• 1:12:01Speaker 02

  They are. And then that's the basis. That's just the basis of the things they're gonna do.

• 1:12:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:07Speaker 02

  That's the very bottom level. And then it just goes up from there. So, they need to learn a lesson the hard way. And I think partially that's what it is too, is that some of these people have not been punished hard enough.

• 1:12:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, and there's, you know, they create a hostile work environment.

• 1:12:19Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:12:20Speaker 03

  You know, as well, and that disturbs business as well.

• 1:12:22Speaker 02

  Everything. Oh, no, destroys everything. As soon as you have that kind of toxicity inside of your fucking organization, it just spreads like a cancer.

• 1:12:29Speaker 03

  I think a little light lying's okay.

• 1:12:30Speaker 02

  You have to lie a little bit.

• 1:12:32Speaker 03

  A little light lying's fine.

• 1:12:33Speaker 02

  May be nice to me.

• 1:12:35Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I want.

• 1:12:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if you're late, you know, you can a little white lie on why you're late. Yeah, of course. Honestly, prefer you gave me the effort of lying to me.

• 1:12:46Speaker 02

  You know, at least you came up with a fucking excuse. I'm fine with it.

• 1:12:49Speaker 03

  But if you're creating an entire twin pregnancy.

• 1:12:51Speaker 02

  Then you're lying. That's up.

• 1:12:53Speaker 03

  And you're taking cash from customers.

• 1:12:54Speaker 02

  You're literally in a full like, that's full sociopath.

• 1:12:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's fucked up. You can't be calling that.

• 1:12:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a little cramps.

• 1:13:01Speaker 03

  A Connie person.

• 1:13:02Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:13:03Speaker 03

  You're welcome.

• 1:13:03Speaker 02

  So go check out kiswe.com. I think it's what is L P O T L dot kiswe.com?

• 1:13:09Speaker 03

  L P O T L dot kiswe.com. That's K I S W E. And that's gonna be for on the 18th of July, we have a show in Oklahoma City. It is the last JK Ultra show, but we're gonna stream it. So if you haven't gotten the chance to go out and see JK Ultra, it's been two and a half years. I'm sorry if we didn't come to your town.

• 1:13:29Speaker 02

  It's also completely different from two and a half years ago. So if you saw it two years ago, the show's basically almost entirely different.

• 1:13:35Speaker 03

  You're right, it is. Yeah, it's still got the general same like outline, but like the jokes are completely different. That's for goddamn sure. Uh, but yeah, we've been having so much fun with this. Uh, but it is time to put this baby to bed.

• 1:13:45Speaker 02

  It's time.

• 1:13:46Speaker 03

  We rode her out, we rode her along, and we rode her hard.

• 1:13:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, we made it. It's perfect now. Like a finely honed knife.

• 1:13:53Speaker 03

  There are still some tickets left for the last two shows. That's gonna be on July 17th, Tulsa at Kane's Ballroom. July 18th, Oklahoma City Tower Theater. But also, when you do the live stream, you get it for two weeks.

• 1:14:06Speaker 02

  You do. Yeah.

• 1:14:06Speaker 03

  So you can re-watch it. You don't have to watch it in the moment. You can still rent it the day after and all that stuff. And so don't think you gotta be there like it's a television show.

• 1:14:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:14:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:15Speaker 02

  Come check it out. We're gonna have a lot of fun, man.

• 1:14:17Speaker 03

  Also, um, the following day, I'm gonna be in Plano, Texas on July 19th, over at the Mic Drop there. It's gonna be fun. You know who I got opening for me? Nimesh Patel.

• 1:14:26Speaker 02

  Ooh, that little up and comer.

• 1:14:28Speaker 03

  The other one. There's a second one.

• 1:14:29Speaker 02

  Whoa!

• 1:14:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, a local Dallas comedian is very funny. They're Nimesh Patel, so I booked them.

• 1:14:35Speaker 02

  Oh, wow!

• 1:14:35Speaker 03

  I was like, I'll help the other Nimesh out.

• 1:14:37Speaker 05

  Honestly, I think our Nimesh is gonna be angry. He's losing fucking work.

• 1:14:42Speaker 03

  Oh, I can't. Well, I used to open for him. So now this one could come open for me. And I think that works out just fine. I'm real happy about it. Um, yeah, but he goes by just Nimesh on, uh, on, uh, on the old Instagram. So go follow him there.

• 1:14:56Speaker 05

  That's cool.

• 1:14:56Speaker 03

  Uh, but also, um, this weekend, all right, I got fucking big ass shows this weekend.

• 1:15:01Speaker 05

  You do.

• 1:15:01Speaker 03

  First off, July 10th, salute to Bethlehem. This is like, I've never done anything like this. I have a two hour epic show with people from Bethlehem about Bethlehem. I don't know why I'm doing this.

• 1:15:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, this is insane, dude.

• 1:15:14Speaker 03

  I've hired writers. I've like, it's like, it's a whole thing. So please, if you are in the Bethlehem area, you're not gonna wanna miss this. This is gonna be Friday. All right, that's July 10th, Friday, a salute to Bethlehem at the Arts Quest Steel Stacks. It's a really cool venue. They got food. I'm gonna be there with merch. Don't worry about that shit. And then that Sunday night, I'm gonna be in Newark at the Newark Culture Club, but that actually might be sold out already. And if you can't get tickets to that, come see me in New York City at the City Winery, co-headlining with Kirsten Michelle Sills. It's gonna be a fucking blast. That's gonna be at the City Winery in New York on Monday, July 13th. And then go to eddytunes.com. I'm coming to all kinds of cities. I'm booking more shit. These shows are starting to sell out. I already sold out one of my Chicago

• 1:15:59Speaker 03

  shows. So come and see the other one. That's gonna be on July 31st. Henry and I got a sold out show here in LA.

• 1:16:05Speaker 05

  Cute, boy.

• 1:16:06Speaker 03

  And then we got another one back up after that with, um, the Disney show. That's Some Dead Men Tell Some Tales. That's gonna be a Dynasty Typewriter during D23 Weekend, and that's gonna be on August 16th. So come get wet with that shit. Go to eddytunes.com. See if I'm coming to your goddamn town.

• 1:16:24Speaker 02

  So live every day knowing that if you just open your throat wide enough, you could be a hot dog champion.

• 1:16:28Speaker 03

  God, he's got a golden throat.

• 1:16:30Speaker 02

  And you just gotta love how thick and maintained that throat needs to be. So you're gonna widen it every day by with, with swallowing Soto cans or whatever.

• 1:16:36Speaker 03

  Oh, that's why he's choking people out, cuz he wants to make their throat smaller. So he wins forever.

• 1:16:40Speaker 02

  And then you can laugh, knowing for a fact you're crushing throats everywhere. Nobody ever gonna fucking get that record. Nobody.

• 1:16:45Speaker 03

  Gimme that, that, that nut. Gimme that, that, that nut. Gimme that, gimme that, gimme that. Eating at Nathan's is the place to be.

• 1:16:54Speaker 05

  Well, you don't, you already did it.

• 1:16:55Speaker 03

  Always chewing is the life for me. Spread your lips open far and wide. Oh, fuck that shit. Just let me put a dog inside. Good. You see, I like the second version of it better. Yes. Gimme that, that, that. Hail nut. Hail the fucking big ol' nut.