Side Stories: He Said, Pee Said

Henry & Eddie bring you this week's weirdest stories and wettest news - the boys mourn the loss of Lady G, demand proof of life from Mitch McConnell, and cover a flight instructor’s final lesson, a flaming self-penectomy, a Mountain Dew rescue from the depths of a porta-potty, and a very wet night at a Morgan Wallen concert. Plus, Mormon skid marks and listener stories!

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:01Speaker 03

  There's no place to escape to. This is the last. On the left. Side stories?

• 1:09Speaker 03

  That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories, yes.

• 1:23Speaker 04

  Hey there, come on, get your pitting and your pudding pants.

• 1:26Speaker 05

  You know, Eddie, I can't believe we skipped one week. Because we didn't skip it. We had a pre-recorded episode because you were doing dates and we were in the middle of traveling. Yeah. And we just happened to miss one of the funniest weeks in the entire year.

• 1:42Speaker 04

  That's how it goes.

• 1:43Speaker 05

  That's how it always is, man. Because it's just crazy to just think like, I can't believe, like, after all this time, we lost Sam Neill.

• 1:51Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:53Speaker 05

  We lost Sam Neill. That was really sad, you know? That one girl died of AIDS.

• 2:00Speaker 04

  Yes, yes, the one, then we had the other.

• 2:03Speaker 05

  Was she from, what was it, from Moana?

• 2:05Speaker 04

  No, no.

• 2:05Speaker 05

  Was that Moana died of AIDS?

• 2:07Speaker 04

  Moana didn't die of AIDS. No, Moana didn't die. It was a different Disney, uh, chick. Oh, it was, um, the, the girl from, uh, Lilo and Stitch died of AIDS.

• 2:16Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 2:17Speaker 04

  Lilo died of AIDS.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Oh, no, Davenah Chase.

• 2:19Speaker 05

  That's what, that's what I meant.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, where is she from?

• 2:22Speaker 00

  The girl from Donnie Darko.

• 2:22Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 2:22Speaker 04

  Donnie Darko.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  The little girl from Donnie Darko.

• 2:25Speaker 04

  Well, then we should have been able to guess that one.

• 2:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, that was a sad movie, but what, does Stitch die soon?

• 2:31Speaker 04

  She also, Lilo and Stitch died of AIDS.

• 2:33Speaker 05

  Well, they both died. Wow.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  No, it's the same girl.

• 2:36Speaker 04

  Same chick.

• 2:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's what I was saying. Yeah, Moana did it.

• 2:39Speaker 04

  And then the, um, and then the, the, the little girl from, uh, Godzilla vs. King Kong died. A lot of little girls died.

• 2:45Speaker 05

  Lot of little girls died and sadly, we lost one of the most important little girls.

• 2:50Speaker 04

  Well, a lady.

• 2:52Speaker 05

  A true lady.

• 2:53Speaker 04

  A lady, Lady G.

• 2:55Speaker 05

  Hi, hey Mitch. Hey, it's good to see you Mitch.

• 2:59Speaker 04

  Oh, thank you for joining me.

• 3:02Speaker 05

  I, I, I'm actually kinda surprised how hard heaven can be.

• 3:07Speaker 04

  I'm turning into crank.

• 3:11Speaker 05

  Well, you know, I'm just crazy. Do you think they put us in the Mexico of hell?

• 3:16Speaker 04

  You would think that after I died, I'd be able to talk correctly, but I cannot.

• 3:22Speaker 05

  Boy, I just gotta say, I sure hope it's Mexico because I've certainly had a lot of serrano peppers down in my taco hole.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 3:31Speaker 05

  Oh, I got a bit of fire down under. I didn't know chlamydia followed you past the grave.

• 3:34Speaker 04

  Oh, I'm dying again.

• 3:38Speaker 05

  Oh Mitch, all right, hold, hold, let me hold your hand Mitch, let me hold your hand. Oh no.

• 3:46Speaker 04

  I was just pissed out there for a second.

• 3:48Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry, I didn't know how to, did you give any kisses while you were paused?

• 3:51Speaker 04

  Oh, thank you.

• 3:52Speaker 05

  I didn't piss while you paused.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  I'll pause again.

• 4:00Speaker 05

  Oh god. Alright, I'm sorry. I gotta let you go, they need you to vote on, on, they need you to vote on Israel taking over America. I gotta send you back to, I gotta send you back to Earth.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  I voted for that, I voted for that.

• 4:12Speaker 05

  I know, I gotta send you back to Earth, listen though, but the next time you die, the next time you die, you come right back to old lady G.

• 4:19Speaker 04

  Okay, they're gonna have to change the name of my state to Kentucky.

• 4:24Speaker 05

  Let me first say, I just wanna do something real quick. Play with your lips.

• 4:30Speaker 05

  I've always wanted to do that.

• 4:32Speaker 04

  Stop that, I'm a man.

• 4:33Speaker 05

  I've always wanted to do that.

• 4:34Speaker 04

  I'm a man, stop that.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  I just wanted to say, I never got to have fun.

• 4:38Speaker 04

  I'm defenseless, leave me alone.

• 4:39Speaker 05

  It's just too bad because we gotta have so many rules and...

• 4:42Speaker 04

  Somebody brought me up to take a picture.

• 4:44Speaker 05

  Is this a eulogy right now? Yeah, yes it is. And I gotta say, lady G, we're gonna miss ya and all the joy you brought us here at Last Podcast Network. Welcome to Sigh Stories. Man. I'm Henry Sprouse, I'm sitting here with Mitch McConnell.

• 5:02Speaker 05

  And I gotta say, that proof of life photo they took of Mitch.

• 5:05Speaker 04

  I loved it.

• 5:06Speaker 05

  You know what's...

• 5:06Speaker 04

  You could barely see the rod in his shirt.

• 5:08Speaker 05

  You know what's really nice is he, let's just be frank, before that picture...

• 5:13Speaker 04

  He was Mitch.

• 5:14Speaker 05

  He was looking, he was looking rough.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  He looked rough for the last 20 years.

• 5:18Speaker 05

  But I'm saying, in the last year or so, he was really looking rough.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  He's fallen down. How does a man without feet fall down?

• 5:25Speaker 05

  Cause it's easy, cause he's just two sticks, he's just walking around like one of those figures from Blair Witch. But I do think it's interesting is that when they put out the new photo, cause I do remember right before...

• 5:35Speaker 04

  Looks like a Sarlock's grandfather.

• 5:36Speaker 05

  Yes, right before he died, he was looking really, really bad. And then it seems that death has rejuvenated him because in the proof of life photo that was put out with his Asian wife, who's definitely not there for, for prop reasons.

• 5:49Speaker 04

  Oh my god, she fucking split, she's like, "I don't see the reason to come back." That was the funniest response I've ever heard from a wife when their husband had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital.

• 5:59Speaker 05

  I think it's really interesting that he looks really good. So, for those of you didn't know, Mitch McConnell died about a month ago.

• 6:05Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 6:06Speaker 05

  He, that's like, that's not the... Official news, the official news is that he had a according to his office. So he's been in the, he's been mysteriously in the hospital for a month. We've been talking about this Mitch McConnell made a, his office made a statement saying that he had a fall. And that he is right back on his way to work.

• 6:24Speaker 04

  He looks, his whole body looks like a blister.

• 6:28Speaker 05

  He's a sacule of like, right now, he's a sacule of nutritionist liquid. He is not a human.

• 6:37Speaker 04

  I would like during this time, I want during the autopsy, whenever that is, I check him for bones. Cause I don't think he has them.

• 6:45Speaker 05

  No, I think he's made out of tofu. See, he's been M I I, M I A since June 14th. And so what they said is that he had a cardiac arrest and he was rushed to the hospital. He came out and said, that was not real. I fell down and I'm on my way to work, but.

• 6:58Speaker 04

  Cause EMTs are so bad at their job that they're like, oh, a slip and fall could is easily a heart attack.

• 7:04Speaker 05

  They don't know what's going on, but he also, we know for a fact that he was administered CPR. Which is something that normally doesn't happen on a trip and fall unless of course you're completely unconscious. But they gave him CPR, which then would also probably preclude, which is what I've gotten from every single message, every single person. I've ever spoken to about getting and receiving CPR is that quite often when you're getting the chest compressions, it will break your sternum.

• 7:29Speaker 04

  Of course, when you're especially, they usually do. I talked to my cardiologist, uh, brother in law about that. And he was like, I was like, do you ever break the sternum when you're doing CPR? He's like, only if I want them to live.

• 7:40Speaker 05

  Yep. And so you cut to this picture of him. So if you see this picture, when he's on pause, right? Back in the day when he was still just great at working. He obviously is, uh, he's about to die. He is a living cancer tumor. Just standing paralyzed in front of a, a television screen on camera. At this point, they should be putting a butterfly fucking net over his head and they should be launching him into the shredder. But he continues to live. So he is right now, this whole thing happened. You see this picture put out saying, oh, he's absolutely fine. And he's going to, he's going to go back to work and he's dressed in street clothes. Jeans on a hospital bed. We see that his wife who then jet as soon as that picture was gone, even though we have not seen a video from him.

• 8:25Speaker 04

  Nothing.

• 8:25Speaker 05

  Nothing.

• 8:26Speaker 04

  We don't even, I haven't seen any proof that she even came home.

• 8:29Speaker 05

  She, this is, um, I am going to just go out in here because this is a satire program here, but I am also going to say because of my years reading. It is not AI photo. We know it's not an AI photo. What we think it is though, it was more than likely an old photo that was taken.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  Last time he was in the hospital?

• 8:47Speaker 05

  Yes, when he fell, when he actually fell last year.

• 8:51Speaker 04

  So we're gonna need a couple of these. Alright, now change your shirt and.

• 8:55Speaker 05

  You don't, I am not even fucking joking because they knew that this was going to be a thing.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  Oh, they have the newspaper there.

• 9:03Speaker 05

  Well, if you. Like a hostage photo. If you see Mitch McConnell, but also Mitch McConnell holding that paper is part of what makes it really interesting in this photo is because if you zoom in on it. I have not been able to get a proper read on this photo or a high resin of photo in which I can actually read the words on the article.

• 9:21Speaker 04

  Well, do we know if that picture was in the fucking?

• 9:22Speaker 05

  Yes, people have already linked like the picture and the newspaper to the date it was released, so. But if you zoom in on it, the words turn into nonsense syllables, like literally like I cannot find a high resin of picture. In which I can zoom in and actually read the words on it.

• 9:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 05

  That's one thing. So I think that's where I think the, the conspiracy theory really falls in. We know that there is a democratic governor of Kentucky.

• 9:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:50Speaker 05

  Which is why they are sitting on this because they don't want him to appoint a Democrat as the, his fill in during this time period. Even though as soon as Lindsey Graham, Lindsey's Graham's corpse was still hot, filled with jism. And you feel that crazy Ukrainian jism.

• 10:07Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 10:08Speaker 05

  And he literally, they put his fucking R worded sister in there as soon as physically possible.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  They really did. They, she, how does that work?

• 10:17Speaker 05

  Business doing anything.

• 10:20Speaker 04

  We don't know, I've never heard of this bitch. All of a sudden she's in charge?

• 10:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, she's just some dumpy ass fucking bitch from South Carolina who's just about to ruin more people's lives. Lindsey Graham.

• 10:29Speaker 04

  She has the same taste in men.

• 10:31Speaker 05

  Very much so.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  Oh, I mean, that's the same secrets.

• 10:33Speaker 05

  Darlene.

• 10:34Speaker 04

  is her name.

• 10:35Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 04

  Whatever. I don't want to learn her fucking name.

• 10:37Speaker 05

  Fuck her ass. But Lindsey Graham is the was the biggest worm in one of the biggest worms in history, in political history. He had no center. He had no soul. He had no imagination. Then when I see all of these Democrats coming out to just talk about how funny he was.

• 10:53Speaker 04

  They're just trying to be classy. And it's like, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it, man.

• 10:57Speaker 05

  Shit.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  Say nothing. If you, you know, honestly, just say nothing.

• 11:00Speaker 05

  I have no respect for him. I have no respect for him. I have no respect for Mitch McConnell. I can't wait to be there screaming Baba Booey at Mitch McConnell's funeral as well.

• 11:11Speaker 04

  Dude.

• 11:11Speaker 05

  And I I'm gonna go there. I can't wait. These two sacials are the, right now, the only person we can depend on politically in the United States of America is the Grim Reaper.

• 11:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:23Speaker 05

  That is the only one doing, moving the needle, doing the job that we need. We need Grim Reaper. I'm gonna give to his super back.

• 11:30Speaker 04

  Dude, I was partying in Seaside Heights with Julie for the night, taking a nice easy day. And then she woke me up. We were hungover, of course, because, you know, we were in Seaside Heights.

• 11:39Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:39Speaker 04

  And I was sleeping in bed and she like woke me up. I didn't even open my eyes. She's like, Ed, Lindsey Graham died. And without opening my eyes, I was like, good. Went back to sleep.

• 11:48Speaker 05

  I'm like, what? No way. Oh, toodle-oo. No way. Not the lady himself. Because he went to, he was checking out a drone factory in Ukraine.

• 11:59Speaker 04

  So what do we say about, do you think that's fishy?

• 12:02Speaker 05

  No.

• 12:02Speaker 04

  You don't think that Russia killed him, even though he was talking shit about Russia the day before?

• 12:06Speaker 05

  Why in the living fuck would Russia need to kill the 71 year old closeted drug addict? Like legitimately, like he is a like full on, living a high pressure life, doing party drugs. All of the people that so many gay sex workers came out.

• 12:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:22Speaker 05

  To talk about their time with him during during after, right after his death. And no one wants to talk about the fact that like he was the single most compromised man.

• 12:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 05

  In the United States government, besides the president himself.

• 12:36Speaker 04

  You know, the poppers is also Mitch McConnell's nickname.

• 12:39Speaker 05

  No, well, he was, it was Lady Bucks.

• 12:41Speaker 04

  Yeah. Oh, Lady Bucks. Oh, no, no. Lady G is. Ladybugs.

• 12:46Speaker 05

  Ladybugs, Ed. Do you not know?

• 12:47Speaker 04

  I know Lady Bugs for what? For Mitch or for Lindsey?

• 12:51Speaker 05

  Lindsey Graham.

• 12:52Speaker 04

  But I know Lady G.

• 12:53Speaker 05

  No, yes. So Lady G was one of the common nicknames of Lindsey Graham.

• 12:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:58Speaker 05

  The other things that he, amongst his constituency that he paid for, including the many sex workers who have seemed to have been completely supported by Lindsey Graham, like a dozen of them.

• 13:08Speaker 04

  Oh, I gave to their GoFundMe. I'm really worried about them.

• 13:10Speaker 05

  Me too, because what are they gonna do? Because they're just gonna spill all of the tea, right? And so the reason why his, uh, his new nickname Lady Bugs came out is because of a supposedly debunked confession from a sex worker that I do not, I don't think, I think it's real, where he, uh, was getting, uh, bottoms, right, Lindsey Graham, and when he was nude and he spread himself over the, uh, bed and spread his butthole. He had these moles on his taint that he called his little ladybugs.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Oh, cancer.

• 13:43Speaker 05

  Moles, Eddie.

• 13:46Speaker 04

  It was a while ago at this point.

• 13:47Speaker 05

  It was a while ago, and so they-

• 13:49Speaker 04

  Were they blow on it for good luck?

• 13:50Speaker 05

  No, I think that they, uh, I think they did the thing, you remember the thing, you know, when you were like fat in, um, music class in school and you got the

• 14:00Speaker 05

  when it was just the wood thing, the honeycomb thing?

• 14:03Speaker 04

  Oh, the only thing you could play?

• 14:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:06Speaker 04

  That was his, that was his taint.

• 14:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, he's more like the ladybug from, uh, Bugs Life. He's like, hey, how you doing? Come on in.

• 14:16Speaker 05

  No, it was probably like, hi, yeah, come on me if you want. Yeah, that's fine. No one else cares if they come on me or not.

• 14:26Speaker 04

  Oh, man.

• 14:26Speaker 05

  Go ahead. Come on me. And then all you got, that borscht flavor Ukrainian gay sex worker cum has to truly be so unique. Maybe just that's what killed him.

• 14:38Speaker 04

  Well, maybe, maybe he actually was cleaning himself with his Disney World bubble wand.

• 14:42Speaker 05

  Oh, he was so sad. He was so sad alone in Disney World. Cause, you know, I've seen so many homosexual men alone in Disney World. You'd think they'd all band together with him.

• 14:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, no. I mean, as someone who's been to Disney World alone. It's great, but the uh, but if Lindsey Graham was with you, he would ruin it. I think that's why he was alone at Disney World.

• 15:05Speaker 05

  The problem though is that it doesn't sound like it, Eddie. It sounds like actually one on one when he wasn't being a total succuban fucking whore to everything that's evil. He was actually kinda funny.

• 15:17Speaker 04

  Who cares?

• 15:18Speaker 05

  But I'm saying at Disney, you guys would have just been like, you would have been like, oh my god, I got the lightning line for blah blah blah. Like you would have actually, honestly, I bet you him, you and Lindsey technically at Disney would have a great time. Cause you know he knows how to use all the apps.

• 15:31Speaker 04

  Oh, you know, he got, well, he probably, he's got the plaid.

• 15:34Speaker 05

  He's got all the stuff, but you know, he's doing the same shit that you do. Where you guys go, cause like Natalie's like that, you guys do the, you guys are sick. All the Disney people are sick. You got, it takes like six months of planning to have one day at that stupid ass park.

• 15:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's fine. You just put the, you put the information in, you clock it, you hit it.

• 15:51Speaker 05

  There's nothing casual about drawing yourself six months ahead of time. You can't book anything. If you don't book it six months ahead of time, you're not doing anything.

• 15:58Speaker 04

  He's gotta know the right people, know how to do it.

• 16:00Speaker 05

  Like Mickey Mouse?

• 16:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, Mickey Mouse. He's got all the connections.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  Was that his corpse? It's in Space Mountain. Oh, yeah, that was a picture of him.

• 16:06Speaker 04

  That's where they're gonna launch his body.

• 16:09Speaker 05

  Honestly, I feel that his, that would be very bad debris. I think that's bad for space. I don't think he should be up there. I think he's gonna get one of our guys from Russia sick.

• 16:20Speaker 04

  Oh, man. Well, you know, I'm glad he's dead.

• 16:23Speaker 05

  Well, you know, it is really, really nice news that he's dead. And when Mitch McConnell's dead, final, when he is dead, he's brain dead.

• 16:31Speaker 04

  He is, yeah. There's nothing going on there.

• 16:33Speaker 05

  For those of you-

• 16:34Speaker 04

  He's been brain dead. We watched him shut down. And by the way, you know, Bill Cosby's, you know what's gonna be like, he was funny. You know, but he was funny.

• 16:42Speaker 05

  Bill Cosby actually was funny. Bill Cosby's an actual comedian. We are taking away from the actual funny pedophiles when we call Lindsey Graham funny. Don't take that from Bill Cosby. That's his life. He's supposed to be, that's his main thing. When he's not raping, he's hilarious. Alright, same thing. Lindsey Graham, he should have been busy working instead of fucking doing material and fucking gay sex workers all the time.

• 17:07Speaker 04

  If a Democrat wanted to be fucking cool- Lindsey Graham passed away today. He's responsible for the deaths of thousands, maybe millions.

• 17:14Speaker 05

  Yes, this is the guy that would sell, he'd sell your grandmother to Israel for fucking a penny. He would fucking, he can't wait to, he would make sure he killed every gay person that existed besides himself and his pack of whores. It's the only thing he cared about. Lindsey Graham, fucking rest in shit.

• 17:32Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 17:33Speaker 05

  But also Mitch McConnell said the same, Mitch McConnell, he has now been.

• 17:37Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, he said.

• 17:42Speaker 05

  So the, I still.

• 17:43Speaker 04

  What was his last words?

• 17:45Speaker 05

  We also, in the United States of America, and according to like international standards, you know that a proof of life picture does not count?

• 17:54Speaker 04

  What do you mean?

• 17:55Speaker 05

  Because certain communist states, like people like Russia and these, so they famously would use proof of life pictures and these things, and they would manipulate them. They've been, since Stalin's time, right? And so the idea of a proof of life picture doesn't count internationally. That's why everyone's saying, we want a video. And how hard is it to look into a camera and say, hi, my name is Mitch McConnell. This is July 21st. I'm alive. Like that is all you gotta do. Or a video of him getting ready to come into work, or getting all like, anything, any single thing.

• 18:27Speaker 04

  What about, is it like, alright, how about this? Is the hospital like in trouble if they're lying about this?

• 18:33Speaker 05

  No, everybody, no, because it's the family holding it. No, it's, see Eddie, what we're seeing here is that what.

• 18:39Speaker 04

  He's taken up a hospital room.

• 18:40Speaker 05

  But the current administration is teaching every single person an authority is that unless you can have other people say there's a crime happening as well. It no longer matters. It requires the governing bodies of these places to admit that something's going on. And that's the problem. There's no independent way. The Democratic governor, I don't even know his fucking name. I don't even fucking care to know his name. He's also just sitting on his hands. He's writing strongly worded Twitter messages. He's just acting like he's some kind of girl in fucking high school.

• 19:15Speaker 04

  He should show up at the fucking hospital.

• 19:16Speaker 05

  If he was a real fucking man, he would be. In the lobby that day saying, where the fuck is Mitch McConnell? I want to see him. Put a mirror under his nose and show me he's alive.

• 19:27Speaker 04

  Where's my goddamn employee?

• 19:28Speaker 05

  But no one gives a fuck. All right, no one gives a fuck. So we are sitting here waiting because no one wants to, because Democrats believe in a polite society which has been destroyed and Republicans are literal mouth breathing Nazis looking to destroy the very fabric of the country in order to make themselves permanently in power. They don't fucking give a fucking shit. So this guy, he's, we already know that Laura Loomer said he, she heard he's brain dead. We, if you want to believe her, there's also.

• 19:59Speaker 04

  It's like always the worst person you want to hear like the facts from.

• 20:02Speaker 05

  But there, it's just the truth. We also, a lot of people are saying, there's another, uh, several, two different agencies, what's it, Beshear, Democratic Governor Andy Beshear, the guy that is the governor of Kentucky. Which some people are trying to say he's going to run for president in 2028. And as far as I'm fucking concerned, if you can't fish out a dead pedophile, then you shouldn't be president either.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  Also, like, what, we want the whole fucking country to be like Kentucky?

• 20:28Speaker 05

  Fuck you, fuck that.

• 20:29Speaker 04

  What are you talking about?

• 20:30Speaker 05

  And so we, sorry guys, yeah, fuck that shit. And so he's saying that he's heard from several sources that McConnell is at least brain dead. He's at least sitting in a vegetative state, just rotting. And no one has the balls to do something about it.

• 20:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:47Speaker 05

  And that's why I think it would be the funniest thing in the world for some nurse to take a picture and send it out to the world. It'd be really nice if someone, who fucking cares? I'll pay for your jail, I'll pay for, I'll help you. If you could, if someone can leak the information, I will help you get money. Okay? I will help you get money. I will figure it out for you if you can help leak this information. Because there's no way he is going to look in better shape in that picture than he did before he went into the fucking hospital.

• 21:19Speaker 04

  Impossible.

• 21:20Speaker 05

  It is impossible.

• 21:21Speaker 04

  They would show us them if he looked fine.

• 21:23Speaker 05

  He is lying.

• 21:24Speaker 04

  Of course he's lying. Well, he's incapable of lying because he's dead.

• 21:26Speaker 05

  He's, well, it's the only thing he's capable of, lying on the bed. He is completely dead. And so, someone needs to have the balls to go and push his corpse out in front of a fucking camera. Alright, so can someone please go do that? And anybody, if you even think of defending any one of these guys to me, you can absolutely see yourself out.

• 21:48Speaker 04

  Yes, they're, they need to die. He needs to die.

• 21:50Speaker 05

  Fuck him.

• 21:51Speaker 04

  Yeah. I, I, you know, honestly, I was, blow him up.

• 21:55Speaker 05

  Oh god, I've got, nothing, like that whale. Just blow him the fuck up. If you want to hear other fun topics like this, go into, uh, see our live show. We're still selling the VOD of our last ever JK Ultra show.

• 22:12Speaker 04

  The one in Oklahoma City at the Tower Theater. It was a lot of, dude, I feel like it was one of our best shows.

• 22:17Speaker 05

  We had so much fucking fun.

• 22:19Speaker 04

  A little long too, we were riffing, we were having some fun, it was, yeah.

• 22:21Speaker 05

  We wanted to show everybody, just like, like, you know, this is our show. It is like loose and live, and I just was so happy. The crowds were fucking great. Kane's Ballroom is legendary.

• 22:33Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 22:33Speaker 05

  If you're ever, if you're in the Tulsa area, see as many shows as you can.

• 22:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, go, go see whatever it is. Oh, shout out to the church studio for showing Henry and I around and, and giving us all that primo Leon Russell history. That was fucking awesome.

• 22:46Speaker 05

  It truly was wonderful. And so you can go and get our last show. You can still get it, but like, week or so.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  I think it's like 10 days left.

• 22:55Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 22:55Speaker 04

  Something like that.

• 22:56Speaker 05

  L P O T L dot K I S W E dot com, which is a weird name. It is K I S W E.

• 23:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, so L P O T L dot K I S W E dot com. Go watch the last JK Ultra ever. It's fucking done. And then there's like add-ons and shit you could do. There's like a $5 add-on if you want to see the Q and A. And then the tour shirt is available there, which was only, we were only selling on tour.

• 23:20Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 23:20Speaker 04

  So, check that out if you want to, if you want to get that there.

• 23:23Speaker 05

  And also, go and subscribe to LPN TV YouTube right now. I'm doing the plug right now. I need you to go over there because Vampire, the Masquerade for us, it is coming out. Season two is coming out very shortly, led by Marcus Parks.

• 23:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:38Speaker 05

  We have like Bloodbath 77. We, it is going to be fucking amazing and you're gonna need to watch it for our next season as well.

• 23:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know. Yeah, just like how you love with the, you're turning in the Marvel.

• 23:49Speaker 05

  Our stuff's better. It's an hour long of stuff. I also don't fucking, you can, whatever, fuck all of you. It's the only thing you guys care. Is your Easter egg your horseshit? None of you care about anything.

• 24:02Speaker 04

  While you're over there, check out HGX2 season two. It was fucking incredible. I'm so proud of that. I want to keep that thing moving. So watch that as well while you're over there.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all in one website platform that helps you stand out online. Yes, that's right. You don't have to smash your face with a hammer. You can just start a business. It's got everything you need on Squarespace from securing your domain to building a professional site and showcasing your work all in one place. Let's say you want to show everybody how you can carve your ribs out of your lower abdomen so that you look more like a Ken doll. That's amazing. You can bring your vision to life with AI powered design or curated templates plus flexible editing tools that help you create something that truly reflects your style, especially if you are somebody that is trying to corrupt the young men of America. That's what Squarespace is really going to help you.

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• 25:38Speaker 05

  stranger getting anywhere close to the people that you love. See, I, uh, but the key is, is that we have a lot of things to protect here at the studio. And we use SimpliSafe to safeguard all of the thoughts and words that we record here and also these wonderful ads. Because without SimpliSafe, people would be running into this building attacking me, not allowing me to read these ads. And thanks to SimpliSafe, I could read this ad for SimpliSafe, which I think is one of the best things they've ever done. And it gives me peace of mind and that allows me to give you a piece of my mind.

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• 26:44Speaker 05

  Time for a quick break to talk about McDonald's. It's the tangiest time of the year. For a limited time, head to McDonald's and get a McRib sandwich. Make it a meal by adding a medium fries and a soft drink like an ice cold Diet Dr. Pepper. So grab a McRib sandwich and embrace the tang. Save time by ordering ahead on the app. At participating McDonald's for a limited time. Dr. Pepper is a registered trademark of Dr. Pepper 7-Up Inc.

• 27:12Speaker 05

  Let's cut to some fun news. Now, this guy, this was a funny ass story that I wanted to cover that we didn't get to because we were gone. Yes, this was, I, we both pulled this one aside. I love this. Alright, so this flight instructor, Leandro Andres Bortazo, 42, he's found dead following this incident in which he jumped out of a flying plane to his death, leaving the student he was teaching to fly to land the aircraft by herself. Now, that shows you, number one, incredible trust. Yeah. I don't know if it does. And you're like, listen, I have a good thought to say. You fly a plane like no one I've ever seen. And now that you will fly a plane, so good, I must die. For I have completed my job.

• 27:57Speaker 05

  Time for the ultimate test. Keeps you like, it's so fun to just go like, hey, this has really been great. Alright, I'll see ya. So this is crazy.

• 28:10Speaker 04

  He said, you know what you have to do. Carry on, were his exact words.

• 28:14Speaker 05

  You know what you have to do. Carry on.

• 28:16Speaker 04

  Twenty-two-year-old Rosario.

• 28:19Speaker 05

  Took off his headset and his seatbelt, and he opened up the door, jumped out of the plane. Uh, he was Eduardo Alvarez, director of the Flying Parrot Cordoba Flying School, where Bertazzo Work told the newspaper, there are no signs of the pilot was planning to throw himself off the plane.

• 28:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, because then how'd he get in the plane?

• 28:37Speaker 04

  Well, he-

• 28:38Speaker 05

  He wouldn't be able to get in the plane if he was showing, if he was practicing jumping out of it while he was like, was like, sitting on the ground.

• 28:44Speaker 04

  If I was a pilot teacher who was planning on killing myself, I would show no signs.

• 28:49Speaker 05

  That's, that's how you get away with it. That's the key, you wanna be real subtle about it.

• 28:52Speaker 04

  You wanna make sure they let you take off. He even did a whole lesson right before.

• 28:56Speaker 05

  He did.

• 28:57Speaker 04

  And he completed the lesson. Do you think that they were like, really bad? And he's like, ah, maybe he, I think this shows, it really does, that Rosario, I think this is a great advertisement for lady pilots.

• 29:08Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 29:09Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 29:09Speaker 05

  I think this is huge for lady pilots. I think the guy before it, you know, he's taking the lesson, and the guy's like, you know, like, "Oh, I'm just glad I can fly a plane unlike these stupid ass chicks." And then Bertazzo is just sitting there, just like, "I cannot believe I teach this man." And then he's got, it's such a bad lesson, and he's just like, "God, this is just, why do I do this? If they malorn, if they do not see, how do I continue to teach?" Because, you know, like, maybe the flaps fell off or some shit, or he came in sideways. And then finally, he's up there with Rosario, just watching her perfectly fly, and he's like, "Yes, a woman can replace mine. Yes, later replace the mine, I wish her to be every mine."

• 29:53Speaker 04

  Dude, jumping out of a plane's gotta be the best way to do it.

• 29:56Speaker 05

  What do you mean?

• 29:57Speaker 04

  Kill yourself.

• 29:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, why?

• 29:59Speaker 04

  Ah, it takes some time, you really get to reflect while you're flying, at least you get to enjoy, like, flying down there. I think a building would be more scary, a bridge would almost be more scary, but a plane, I feel like by the time you got to the ground, you'd be like, you know what? I'm ready.

• 30:12Speaker 05

  I've always wanted to do nitrogen poisoning.

• 30:14Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah?

• 30:15Speaker 05

  It's like one of those, where you just go to sleep, don't wake up.

• 30:17Speaker 04

  Is that like the, the suicide box, or cube?

• 30:19Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:21Speaker 05

  That's what I'd do. Yeah, you like to press the buttons. Yeah, I wanna press the button now.

• 30:24Speaker 04

  I also like buttons.

• 30:25Speaker 05

  I also wanna, I wanna be able to choose the music.

• 30:27Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 30:29Speaker 05

  Cause that thing, you turn on the music, and it's like, "Desperado." Have you gone through?

• 30:36Speaker 04

  It's only Eagles songs, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah.

• 30:39Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, unfortunately, I know. That was in a proprietary deal that they did alongside their residency at the Spirit. They've decided, yeah, it is only the Eagles, Joe Walsh years that are specifically dialed in for the suicide boxes. So hopefully you like, I mean, obviously running on empty is great.

• 30:57Speaker 04

  Well, not if you're the suicide box.

• 30:59Speaker 05

  Why?

• 31:00Speaker 04

  Cause you need the nitrogen to kill the people.

• 31:02Speaker 05

  Oh, I mean, you're running on empty then. It's Jackson Brown. Oh, fuck.

• 31:06Speaker 04

  Well, Jackson Brown wrote the song, the Eagles did the song. And they, well, Jackson Brown wrote it for the Eagles and then he did his own version.

• 31:14Speaker 05

  Really?

• 31:15Speaker 04

  Look it up.

• 31:17Speaker 05

  I actually do, I do believe it. I believe you. Yeah, I do believe you.

• 31:23Speaker 04

  Oh, man.

• 31:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's, oh, not the Eagles. No, it's not the Eagles, Eddie. We were wrong.

• 31:27Speaker 04

  Running on empty? Where's, oh, take it easy.

• 31:29Speaker 05

  Take it easy.

• 31:30Speaker 04

  That's what I'm thinking about.

• 31:33Speaker 05

  Rob is correct.

• 31:33Speaker 04

  I'm fucking, he, he, he outstepfathered you.

• 31:37Speaker 05

  Shit.

• 31:39Speaker 04

  Running on empty.

• 31:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's, yeah, I mean, that should be on there. Jackson Brown is should be, it's an easy addition to the, that's when you go to Suicide Box Plus. And you do their proprietary app. It's 79 a month. You get, you get your own playlist of, of handpicked, special suicide, those songs. Like Jackson Brown's Running on Empty.

• 32:02Speaker 04

  The Loadout.

• 32:02Speaker 05

  The Loadout, um, Wipeout.

• 32:06Speaker 04

  Boulevard.

• 32:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's a good one. What's a good, another good suicide song?

• 32:09Speaker 04

  Pipeline.

• 32:10Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I would also probably put.

• 32:13Speaker 04

  Sleepwalk.

• 32:14Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 32:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, it'd be nice.

• 32:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, just gonna hear the noose.

• 32:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:21Speaker 05

  That's great.

• 32:22Speaker 04

  La Bamba?

• 32:23Speaker 05

  Wow, yeah. Ba ba ba la ba la bamba. Oh, that'd be great. That'd be a fun one. It's a bit of a fiesta. So that's why, that was just a fun story, cause the idea of someone just mid-job, just literally just being like, you know what? I quit.

• 32:39Speaker 05

  You know what? This sucks. Okay. I'm gonna go see if a cloud can catch me.

• 32:47Speaker 05

  And then, you know what? She nailed it. And she, that shows Rosario was correct. And if I was at flight school, I'd immediately graduate her.

• 32:54Speaker 04

  Also, of, of course she immediately graduates. And they only put her first name in there to protect her. Uh-uh. Last name, she's getting every job in the world.

• 33:04Speaker 05

  That's what I'm saying. Unless of course she-

• 33:05Speaker 04

  She's the most hireable motherfucker ever.

• 33:08Speaker 05

  What if she did a bad job pulling into the plane?

• 33:09Speaker 04

  It's her first time under pressure. I'm fucking proud of her.

• 33:14Speaker 05

  You know what to do. Bye-bye. Ah, Lindsay! Ah, I come to see you, Lindsay!

• 33:24Speaker 05

  Hits the fucking, hits the ground like a fucking javelin.

• 33:27Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 33:27Speaker 05

  That's gotta be fun.

• 33:28Speaker 04

  So there's, um, there's a lot of fun stuff we gotta get to here. There's, um, the guy who cut his penis off.

• 33:33Speaker 05

  Okay, this is a good story.

• 33:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:35Speaker 05

  This is a great story. Great story. Everybody loves this one. So, again, it takes a man. This comes out of beautiful, beautiful Indiana. No way!

• 33:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:49Speaker 05

  On May 6th, a guy was charged with arson.

• 33:52Speaker 04

  They love sausage there.

• 33:54Speaker 05

  They do. And they, but the thing is that normally they don't waste it, like this guy did. So this guy, he was charged with arson after, and I like it because the police had to say that he did this. That he cut off his own penis, doused it with gasoline, and lit it on fire in the garage of his mother's house, and he left it in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Which I think is, this might be the third time this happened in Fort Wayne.

• 34:19Speaker 04

  I will say, this guy showed as much poise as Rosario.

• 34:22Speaker 05

  Ah, seriously.

• 34:23Speaker 04

  You cut your penis off and you still take the time. Bleeding, out the hole in your front. You dip it in kerosene, you light it on fire, you put it in a trash can, and then you TikTok wait for the fucking cops.

• 34:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you just, well, he ran away, uh, they, they, because he, obviously he was bleeding really badly.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:40Speaker 05

  So when the cops came, he had to go to the hospital.

• 34:43Speaker 04

  Immediately, well, you could die.

• 34:45Speaker 05

  Well, you know, they fix it, right?

• 34:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:46Speaker 05

  A wine cork.

• 34:47Speaker 04

  Oh, wine cork. See, I thought it was they put a cigar out on it.

• 34:50Speaker 05

  Oh, no, no, no. That's in Missouri. That's town in Missouri. You gotta get it if you don't have insurance.

• 34:57Speaker 04

  His name was Christopher Payden.

• 34:59Speaker 05

  Thirty-six years young. Peyton, he said, he told police that he used a kitchen knife to cut off his penis while he was in the garage. So he's, I mean, he made enough sense there.

• 35:09Speaker 04

  Oh, it says generals. Maybe he got the nuts too.

• 35:12Speaker 05

  I don't know. You know what it is? Is that to me, if you're cut eye up, truly, I think it was just the penis. Because the penis looks like a wick.

• 35:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, it depends if it's working or not.

• 35:23Speaker 05

  I think balls, because balls don't pop off like too little, you know, they're coiled up, stuff in there.

• 35:28Speaker 04

  Well, if you got a kitchen knife, you can really hack at it and work at it.

• 35:31Speaker 05

  I think they'd spill out. I don't think you could set fire to it. I think it'd be too liquidy. I think a penis could actually be separated enough from the liquid.

• 35:37Speaker 04

  I understand what you're saying. But also you dip it in kerosene. You set anything on fire.

• 35:41Speaker 05

  Correct.

• 35:42Speaker 04

  You set water on fire.

• 35:43Speaker 05

  But I think it's easier to dip the penis, the severed penis in the kerosene.

• 35:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:48Speaker 05

  Than just like, because I feel.

• 35:49Speaker 04

  So you think he dipped? He didn't put it on top?

• 35:52Speaker 05

  No, I think he did.

• 35:53Speaker 04

  You think he dipped?

• 35:54Speaker 05

  I think, I think this is a, I think this is a soft serve.

• 35:56Speaker 04

  I feel like if he dipped, he would have lit his fingers on fire.

• 35:58Speaker 05

  No, not necessarily. If he, if he let go of it real fast.

• 36:02Speaker 04

  He does look like a dipper.

• 36:03Speaker 05

  No, yeah, he does. The big dipper. Look at him. Look at that little smile. You know, he, you, if you were to ask me to draw the guy who cut his penis off and set it on fire as the device is it on fire? I, it might be there, only just because he's one of those that if you cut his face in half, he'd look like two different kind of guys.

• 36:26Speaker 04

  He does look like there was a time when he had his shit together. I feel like this is a man who used to have everything and now it's all gone.

• 36:35Speaker 05

  That's a man that's been through several rabbit holes that has led to this. This man is, he weirded out everybody at January 6th.

• 36:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're like, oh, God, come on.

• 36:46Speaker 05

  He made people angry when he showed up in Iran. You know what I mean? Like, he's one of those guys. Everywhere he goes, everyone's just like, whoa, oh, come on, guy. Whoa, let's.

• 36:58Speaker 05

  Little bit less.

• 36:59Speaker 04

  Yeah. I mean, you know, did he really hurt anybody?

• 37:03Speaker 05

  Himself.

• 37:04Speaker 04

  I guess the fireman had to do something.

• 37:06Speaker 05

  They do. I feel, I honestly mostly feel bad for them because of how difficult this life is in general.

• 37:13Speaker 04

  Yes. Oh, yeah, for sure. If you get to the point where you gotta cut off your dick and set it on fire and put it in your mom's trash can, I mean, your life's bad.

• 37:19Speaker 05

  You know, I just feel like there's so many more efficient ways to do that. Oh, we're at his Facebook page.

• 37:25Speaker 04

  Oh, nice.

• 37:26Speaker 05

  Oh, look at that from Fort Wayne. Yeah, look, I actually, Eddie, yeah, he's got a nice little haircut. What date is that? He has that nice haircut? Twenty-two. Oh, it's a lot of things have been, a lot of things have been hard in the last four years.

• 37:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think he, I think he used to be fine.

• 37:39Speaker 05

  What was that? Is that a funny, or is your band?

• 37:41Speaker 04

  Oh, is your, is your, oh, is your band fire? Fucking doubt it.

• 37:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, he had an AI meme on there, some kind of meme on there.

• 37:49Speaker 04

  That's pre-AI.

• 37:49Speaker 05

  All right, this is, uh, pre-I promises I won't get all political later. If we can't trust lifeguards to save people, we can trust them to drown people they deem worthy of death. Sheriff, you're comfortable letting lifeguards be the judge, jury, and executioner. It's a funny meme. Posted on my birthday. Oh, you guys would be real close.

• 38:08Speaker 04

  That's nice.

• 38:09Speaker 05

  You know, I feel like he's going to have some time to be in jail.

• 38:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:15Speaker 05

  And I think that this is a really good opportunity for him to reflect upon what he's done. And now that his penis isn't there anymore, much like, uh, Takari.

• 38:24Speaker 04

  I know we've asked this question before. What happens? Does it just like fountain out when you pee or like?

• 38:31Speaker 05

  I actually think.

• 38:32Speaker 04

  I think you get a receptacle or something. Like maybe they stick a little tube in there and then you go in the bag.

• 38:36Speaker 05

  You have to piss out a tube.

• 38:37Speaker 04

  I think you, I think you gotta go bag once you cut your penis off.

• 38:41Speaker 05

  I don't think, I think it's a second.

• 38:42Speaker 04

  Rob, you ever find a penis in the plumbing?

• 38:45Speaker 05

  No, I was, I was not sure what you were gonna ask me right there. I was so nervous for a second. Do you bleed to death after your, this is according to the internet? It's actually quite difficult to bleed to death from your penis hole, apparently. It's saying right here is that the problem is there are too many knowns or like, I wonder if a person without knowledge and tools cuts off somebody's penis and then doesn't call an ambulance immediately. Is there a chance a person may not bleed to death within a short time?

• 39:10Speaker 04

  This Reddit?

• 39:11Speaker 05

  This is, um, no, this is a really weird place. Do you wanna see? Do you wanna see?

• 39:16Speaker 04

  Yeah. You found the penis?

• 39:18Speaker 05

  Whoa, no penis!

• 39:20Speaker 04

  That's not him, this is someone else.

• 39:22Speaker 05

  They're just losing their penis.

• 39:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, these are other people who cut their penises off.

• 39:25Speaker 05

  This is, uh, Rob, just get it off of there.

• 39:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:30Speaker 05

  Rob, I can't see that anymore.

• 39:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:32Speaker 05

  I think that's gotta go away.

• 39:33Speaker 04

  Rob turned, uh, yeah, you gotta put that safe search on.

• 39:35Speaker 05

  Oh, God.

• 39:36Speaker 04

  I don't know why that didn't bother me. It bothered both of you so much.

• 39:39Speaker 05

  I think it's your, maybe it's, um...

• 39:40Speaker 04

  I'm just ready for my penis to go, I think.

• 39:42Speaker 05

  Maybe you're done, you're numb.

• 39:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, maybe it's, maybe I'm, I'm bored with this boy.

• 39:46Speaker 05

  According to Andrew, assuming the person is not taking anticoagulants, it's actually quite difficult to bleed to death from dismemberment of small members, hands, feet, penis, ears, nose. Even large members, such as arms and legs, are often survivable because the body is very good at protecting itself from blood loss. For example, transected arteries will spasm and clamp off blood flow, and loss of blood will cause the body to divert blood flow away from the extremities into the vital organs, therefore slowing the bleeding and allowing it to clot. In fact, the whole shock process can be viewed as a set of defensive measures by the body to ensure survival in the face of serious injury. This is a bitter lesson learned by emergency medicine only fairly recently. And I think it's really, um, amazing that some people were like, "Uh, I got, I can't believe I'm getting downloaded for this."

• 40:31Speaker 04

  When the EMTs found him, they asked him what his name was, he said, "Christopher", and they said, "No, uh, you Nick."

• 40:38Speaker 05

  Ha ha, Eddie! Write it down! That's a little penis mutilation humor. You can say, if you're an EMT and you come across a guy, you can use that.

• 40:50Speaker 04

  That one's free.

• 40:51Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 40:52Speaker 04

  That one's free for you, E. I love my EMTs.

• 40:54Speaker 05

  Make 'em all laugh. Make 'em all laugh.

• 40:56Speaker 04

  You Nick.

• 40:57Speaker 05

  You know, well, that's really all we're at, you know, or unique, unique if he's from Greece. Uh, this is, I think that this guy has got a long road ahead of him. But at the end of that road, he might just find himself loving the life that he's finally leading.

• 41:17Speaker 04

  Christopher Peeden, can't do it no more.

• 41:19Speaker 05

  Not no more. So you're gonna be sitting at Peeden very, very soon. Here's another-

• 41:25Speaker 04

  Not repeating, I'll tell you that much.

• 41:26Speaker 05

  Absolutely not. You got one of those. So, this is another funny story. I love Mountain Dew.

• 41:34Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 41:35Speaker 05

  Not as much as this guy.

• 41:37Speaker 04

  I got one that's attached to this that we didn't, I didn't clear with you, but I wanted to bring it up after this.

• 41:41Speaker 05

  Can't wait.

• 41:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:42Speaker 05

  So, this takes place in porta potty town, USA, Kansas City.

• 41:46Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, Kansas shitty.

• 41:48Speaker 05

  Uh, now, this is July 14th, the same day Mitch McConnell went down.

• 41:53Speaker 04

  Oh, maybe this has got something to do with it.

• 41:55Speaker 05

  It has to be. Cruise with Patriot Portable Restrooms. They were collecting units after an event. It was for, it was for World Cup. So, it's kind of an international.

• 42:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:06Speaker 05

  And so the guy came out, he made a little video.

• 42:07Speaker 04

  It's interesting, the name of the porta potty company, because most people who call themselves patriots are full of shit.

• 42:12Speaker 05

  Yep. Got him.

• 42:14Speaker 04

  Got him.

• 42:14Speaker 05

  Got him.

• 42:15Speaker 04

  Got him, write it down.

• 42:16Speaker 05

  So-

• 42:16Speaker 04

  Use that one, EMTs.

• 42:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, that one too, in case you got a guy with an American flag shoved down his throat, fucking choking to death while a rod of asphyxiation inside a porta potty. So, this guy, the guy from the porta potty place, he comes out and he makes this video and he's like, alright, so we were closing down for the night. And I had no idea that this was even, obviously this makes sense. Before you pick up all the porta potties, you got to clear them. So, he said that, that night, you know, they, they stayed overnight.

• 42:44Speaker 04

  You don't want a porta potty full of shit on the truck bed.

• 42:47Speaker 05

  But no, in, in, no, I mean, for people.

• 42:50Speaker 04

  Oh, you gotta like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, you gotta check to make sure. So, he came up in the morning before he was loading them all up, he knocked on every one of the porta potties and he said, you know, and trying to make sure, and there was one, all, one of them was locked from the inside. It's like, hello, hey, what's going on here? And the guy's like, they're in here. And he's like, well, you know, you've been there all night. And so, uh, we need to get you out. All right. So he's kind of get out. He's like, you better on my way out. Right. They waited for like an hour.

• 43:19Speaker 04

  An hour?

• 43:19Speaker 05

  Yeah. Knocked again. They said, you gotta fucking get out of here, man. We gotta, we're, we're loading it up. And he's like,

• 43:25Speaker 04

  This is our plastic box.

• 43:27Speaker 05

  We gotta go. This is our public restroom. I do like he used restrooms. He went to go collect the restrooms, right? He doesn't call a porta potty because I think that's, I think that might be a brand.

• 43:35Speaker 04

  Yeah. Uh, Texas or toilets.

• 43:37Speaker 05

  Tar- toilet.

• 43:38Speaker 04

  Tar- it's a toilet.

• 43:39Speaker 05

  Tar- it. So they, uh, finally he's like, Hey, uh, can't reach the door. So you're gonna, somebody needs some help. Can't reach the door in here. And they were like, what the fuck do you mean you can't reach the door in here? So they unlocked it, right? They do the thing that they breached it. And they just see his head poking out of the toilet. He's covered in shit. And his, according to him, he told them, well, last night I dropped my Mountain Dew bottle in here. And I crawled into the bottom here to get my Mountain Dew bottle out of it. And I got stuck in here last night. And I stayed in there. Now, again, I said up top, I love Mountain Dew.

• 44:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:18Speaker 05

  But I do have a feeling. Or something else in that bottle.

• 44:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, maybe.

• 44:23Speaker 05

  Because he went down there to look for it.

• 44:26Speaker 04

  Mountain poo, Mountain doo doo.

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Yeah. Well, now it's Mountain doo doo.

• 44:30Speaker 05

  And so the fire department had to cut him out of it.

• 44:32Speaker 04

  Oh, is this at his head?

• 44:33Speaker 05

  Yep. The, the, it's a do rag. He's got literally, he's got a do rag on.

• 44:37Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 44:38Speaker 05

  That's a funny little term for it. And he cut, they had to cut a hole in it and he was like refusing to come out. They like sawed these slats in it and he's like, I can't come out.

• 44:46Speaker 04

  Well, it is.

• 44:47Speaker 05

  You obviously can come out. And he's like, okay, fuck it, come out. And when they finally had it going and they're all covered in human shit.

• 44:54Speaker 04

  Sometimes you get in somewhere and you can't get out of it. I know, I do understand that.

• 44:59Speaker 05

  This man.

• 45:00Speaker 04

  His shoulders, you know, shoulders are weird.

• 45:02Speaker 05

  Let's say this guy.

• 45:03Speaker 04

  You're right. The arms up and then you go, once you get in there.

• 45:06Speaker 05

  I still feel like Eddie, this guy wasn't.

• 45:09Speaker 04

  You think he's lying?

• 45:10Speaker 05

  I think he might not have been helping.

• 45:11Speaker 04

  You think he's fucking lying?

• 45:12Speaker 05

  I think he might not have been helping because they cut the slats out and he kind of does. This sort of a board of like, oh, I can't get out, man. Oh, I can't get out. And they were there all these firemen. If you watch this whole video, they're all like, dude, you absolutely can fucking got out. We know you can get out. And because he wanted them to come in there. And pull them out. Yeah. So they pulled him out, covered in human fucking shit. And then they they hooked up the fire hose to fucking clean them off. So they blast them with the fire hose. They clean them off like they were Michael Kramer from U H F.

• 45:45Speaker 04

  I know it's disgusting, but that must have been a little fun.

• 45:50Speaker 05

  To hit a man covered in shit with a fire hose.

• 45:52Speaker 04

  You only get to do that like two, three times your whole life.

• 45:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 04

  You know, that's that's a big one. You know, I honestly would like to check that box.

• 45:59Speaker 05

  He, we could do this. He, they washed him off and, uh, you know, I don't know what they're doing with him now.

• 46:07Speaker 04

  I love the porta potty, the guy who works for Patriot Porta Pollys who posted it. His name's Matt Von Swole.

• 46:13Speaker 05

  Oh, yes. Yes, he is swollen.

• 46:19Speaker 04

  Like the world's worst fraggle.

• 46:21Speaker 05

  No, this is the thing is that he refused.

• 46:24Speaker 04

  Nah, I'm in here.

• 46:25Speaker 05

  It is. He is. He's just been like, no, I can't. Ah, I can't.

• 46:29Speaker 04

  Oh, he's trying to close it again?

• 46:31Speaker 05

  Cause he knows. Yeah, I think there's a little part of him that is afraid of being arrested, which I do understand, but also like.

• 46:37Speaker 04

  I mean, if you like it, these are the last moments. This is what happens. Like when I walk Harley, Harley likes her walks, you know? And whenever we get close to the house, she starts dragging because she knows she's gonna go home soon. I think that's what he's doing here.

• 46:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:49Speaker 04

  I think he's.

• 46:50Speaker 05

  He's a lot like Harley.

• 46:53Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, they had to take that hump off of him. He's so used to having the hump on him. He doesn't realize he doesn't have it anymore. And that's why he could fit out.

• 47:02Speaker 04

  Fell in. That's why he fell into the toilet.

• 47:05Speaker 05

  To the hump.

• 47:05Speaker 04

  The hump usually stops him.

• 47:06Speaker 05

  Catches him because he's done this how many times? And he's used to the hump, stopped dapping him before getting in there. But once they, once the vet carved it off, because he got it done for free over there, he slid right through like he was a linguine noodle.

• 47:19Speaker 05

  What's worse, this guy or the dead baby in the porta potty?

• 47:22Speaker 04

  Oh, this is dead baby. Dead baby's much worse.

• 47:24Speaker 05

  And they are.

• 47:25Speaker 04

  Dead baby's sad. This is aggravated.

• 47:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, he's alive. He's like alive and fine.

• 47:30Speaker 04

  This is literally a pain in the ass. The dead baby ruins your fucking life.

• 47:34Speaker 05

  They're also, they're still very actively looking for the mother from that scenario. And there were several people, like it was kinda sad, there were several people trying to identify the mother from footage from the-

• 47:47Speaker 04

  When everyone showed up fat, left skinny.

• 47:49Speaker 05

  But it's literally, like, there's several, I saw several posts online of people being like, "This must be the lady you gave her." And I was like, "I don't know, it just seems like a lady who might have lost a lot of weight. Just leave the lady alone, okay? Just let's stop. There's no reason to single out these wom- like, they keep trying to say they're singling out women."

• 48:08Speaker 04

  I'm sure at Electric Forest Festival, there's like multiple people there where you could be like, "That must have been the dead baby."

• 48:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, they were like, "No, actually no, my baby, my baby died in the hospital." You know, like, "Oh no, actually no, my baby died about a month in."

• 48:25Speaker 06

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• 49:09Speaker 06

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• 49:37Speaker 04

  All right, so I got a similar story here. This guy didn't go to the porta potty. This is, this comes from a Morgan Wallen concert. Um, and this was over in Baltimore at the M and T Bank Stadium on July 18th. There's a family, they wanted to go see Morgan Wallen because they, you know, they suck. And, um, and so they went to go to the Morgan Wallen concert. And during the concert, it was a, it was a, it was a man, his wife and their niece. And during the concert, uh, there was a guy behind them who was really annoying. And then they like, you know, they're like, hey, man, you know, stop being such an asshole. And then the guy whipped out his dick and he started peeing on the whole family.

• 50:13Speaker 05

  Hey.

• 50:13Speaker 04

  And, uh,

• 50:14Speaker 05

  You wanted to go see Morgan Wallen. That's what you get.

• 50:18Speaker 04

  And so the wife was like, hey, um, I think whatever that guy's doing, it's all over my leg. And, uh, and then the guy turned around.

• 50:27Speaker 05

  True level of detachment. To just not think that anyone would ever urinate on you.

• 50:33Speaker 04

  Literally the quote is whatever that gentleman is doing, it's on my leg.

• 50:37Speaker 05

  Unbelievable. Like not even like can't even, cause if she thought that it was urine, she'd burst into flames.

• 50:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. So the husband said, at that point, I kind of see him like bent over out of the corner of my eye. So I turn to look, he's got his genitalia hanging out and, uh, he's urinating all over the back of my seat. My wife's leg, my leg and my niece. And they don't fight him.

• 50:59Speaker 05

  I would have been on top of him punching him in the face.

• 51:05Speaker 04

  So, so they were, they took the high road. They went to the cops. The cops like, ah, there's nothing we could do about it.

• 51:12Speaker 05

  You deserve it.

• 51:13Speaker 04

  The cops are like,

• 51:14Speaker 05

  You all fucking deserve it. Yeah. Well, people pee, alright?

• 51:19Speaker 04

  Listen, we don't know that he peed. We can only say that you said you, he peed. And so we have no evidence. So there's nothing we can do.

• 51:26Speaker 05

  Nothing I love better than getting.

• 51:28Speaker 04

  More assault at a fucking Morgan Wallen concert.

• 51:33Speaker 05

  That's so funny. The idea that they like, what I love is like, of all the things to like play lawyer about, like all of a sudden it's just been like, uh, did he actually piss on you or not? And you're like, I rake of piss. I'm covered in urine. It was like, that could be yours. You could have brought it in a bottle and squirted yourself with it in order to frame this gentleman. You know, the guy going, ah, god, ah, ah. This guy looks like a normal fan of country music, you know?

• 52:00Speaker 04

  Cops said, we physically didn't see it, so we can't arrest him.

• 52:05Speaker 05

  You know what I

• 52:06Speaker 04

  We all covered each other in piss and then said he did it.

• 52:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, you're right. You know what I like about this is that so often you never get to see like the privileged experience this style of policing before where people just don't where they just look at you and like couldn't fucking care less that you covered in urine. Like that is

• 52:25Speaker 04

  Actually, don't touch me.

• 52:26Speaker 05

  That's so funny because these are people that obviously they got money, they have money, they're like, they think that like the whole world's gonna fucking stop because someone's pissing on them and these guys are just like, yeah, uh, you know, you wouldn't believe this one time like, like you're saying that this is real, like, let's just say there was one time a fellow police officer of mine, he pranked me by putting a live doo doo inside of my own pants while I fell asleep on my lunch break.

• 52:59Speaker 05

  That honked in me for the rest of my life and I will not stand to watch a man get falsely accused again of, of releasing his excrement.

• 53:10Speaker 04

  I had no evidence.

• 53:11Speaker 05

  I was no, I had no evidence, none, and the judge had no mercy. All right. So if you think I'm gonna lay down a line for you, I'm certain you smelled like piss before you came in here, you piss-filled woman, you piss-filled whore, you fucking dirty fucking urine fucking witch.

• 53:34Speaker 04

  Oh, man. Oh, man, you know what? The, the guy said, uh, I'm the problem, the one who peed on them. That's a Morgan Wallen song. I had to look it up because I refuse to know his music.

• 53:45Speaker 05

  Oh, good.

• 53:45Speaker 04

  It's got a lot of listens, so people might know the reference, but I refuse to listen. So no, I don't, you know, I had to do the joke like that.

• 53:50Speaker 05

  He's like, uh, he's music you punch your pregnant girlfriend to, right?

• 53:56Speaker 04

  I believe that's what it is. I think, actually, no, I think that he's smothering music.

• 54:00Speaker 05

  Ah.

• 54:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, he's smothering. He's, yeah, punching's too upbeat.

• 54:04Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, that's normally while I'm listening to Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel. This is like the second time something like this has happened this Someone shit at a Noah Kahan concert in the crowd.

• 54:14Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 54:14Speaker 05

  And then like just.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  Olivia Rodrigo took some shit recently because this is something that happens at concerts. There's people who are really crazy and they wear diapers and they go to the front of the stage and they don't want to leave. Because they don't want to lose their spot. So like the people who are pressed against the front of the stage that refuse to leave often are covered in their own piss and shit.

• 54:35Speaker 05

  Are you know, not really, right?

• 54:36Speaker 04

  Yes, this is real. This is something people do at like music festivals.

• 54:40Speaker 05

  Everybody at New Year's Eve at the ball drop?

• 54:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then so Olivia.

• 54:44Speaker 05

  I've heard that because in New York, they're not allowed to leave.

• 54:46Speaker 04

  That's it's the same thing. Yeah, but yeah, yeah, because you once you leave, you're not in front, you don't get, you're not against the stage anymore. It takes ten hours sometimes just to see Olivia Rodrigo face to face.

• 54:56Speaker 05

  Who gives a fucking shit?

• 54:57Speaker 04

  Olivia Rodrigo complained about in an interview and then everyone shit on Olivia Rodrigo. I'm like, I think she has a right to say, hey, go piss and shit yourself for my show.

• 55:06Speaker 05

  I literally. I'm gonna say this for last podcast on the left. If I know that you are wearing a diaper voluntarily to watch our show. I'm going to single you out. I'm going to pull you on stage and we're going to collectively shame you. Unless you have an actual reason to wear the diaper. I know I don't give a fuck. That's disgusting.

• 55:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm gonna need some, uh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna need a little doctor's note.

• 55:37Speaker 05

  That is disgusting.

• 55:40Speaker 05

  I can't believe that. I don't refuse to believe that's real.

• 55:42Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, no, it's something that happens all the time.

• 55:45Speaker 05

  I believe in Cash Patel's UFO dump more than I believe in that.

• 55:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, the guy that Noah Kahan, who, who Rob was talking about. He said, if you have to poop at a show, please, dear God, go to the bathroom. I've pooped my pants as much as the next twenty nine year old, but you guys got to understand there's a venue worker out there with a thousand yards.

• 56:08Speaker 05

  How often do we shit in our fucking pants?

• 56:12Speaker 04

  Like they're dead, that's the other part. They're like, do they just leave the diaper? And like, making someone else's fucking problem?

• 56:18Speaker 05

  How often are we really pooping our pants into adulthood?

• 56:22Speaker 04

  We need to bring the price of concert tickets down. Or up. Maybe we gotta crank them all the way up. I have no idea.

• 56:31Speaker 05

  I don't know. Like, I don't know what's going on here, man. This is insane. I, alright, you know, we've talked about it on the show. I actively sharted myself.

• 56:40Speaker 04

  But that's an accident.

• 56:42Speaker 05

  I sharted once.

• 56:43Speaker 04

  Really? I've done it way more than once. Your whole life? You only sharted once?

• 56:48Speaker 05

  Well-

• 56:49Speaker 04

  That's very impressive.

• 56:51Speaker 05

  Let's just say I got to the toilet every single time. I pretty much always, every time I've shat, I've shat all over a toilet seat and I've sat in it.

• 57:02Speaker 04

  I've definitely put at least two pairs of underwear in a trash can in the bathroom.

• 57:06Speaker 05

  That's different. That's, yeah, I've sharted. That's sharting.

• 57:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 05

  Sharting is-

• 57:10Speaker 04

  It's an accident.

• 57:11Speaker 05

  An accident.

• 57:12Speaker 04

  It's an accident.

• 57:13Speaker 05

  Shitting your pants-

• 57:15Speaker 04

  On choice.

• 57:16Speaker 05

  Is insane.

• 57:18Speaker 04

  I imagine it's mostly pee pee. Cause I feel like shitting you can hold-

• 57:23Speaker 05

  Let's also put it this way. If you're pissing, if you need to piss that bad too, take off the pants.

• 57:30Speaker 04

  Take off pants.

• 57:31Speaker 05

  Take off pants.

• 57:32Speaker 04

  Shit on the floor, shitting- Oh, maybe that's what happened with this guy at the Morgan Wallen concert. Maybe he just didn't want to leave his seat because he needed to hear, um, I don't know, let's look at another song. There's knuckle marks on my mom and I put them there last night.

• 57:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, whiskey glasses.

• 57:49Speaker 04

  Cause I wish I could fuck her like my father does.

• 57:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, maybe he was singing, uh, I got better. Has he?

• 57:59Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 57:59Speaker 05

  He's pissed all over something.

• 58:02Speaker 04

  That was his excuse for pissing.

• 58:05Speaker 05

  I got better.

• 58:06Speaker 04

  We got a couple of-

• 58:06Speaker 05

  You got worse, I got better. I got better. Honestly, this brings us all full circle to what I wanted to talk about where you weren't on the plane yesterday, uh, two days ago and we were coming back from, we were coming back from, uh, where the fuck were we just? We were just in Oklahoma.

• 58:21Speaker 04

  Oklahoma City.

• 58:21Speaker 05

  And so we were coming back and-

• 58:24Speaker 04

  I wasn't on the plane and boy are my arms tired.

• 58:27Speaker 05

  That's because you were jerking off until you fell asleep. I had an experience where I tried not to look, you know? But a very little girl and a very old woman, woman went into the bathroom together.

• 58:41Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 58:43Speaker 05

  When they came out, I didn't know who did it.

• 58:48Speaker 05

  But the only way to describe it is it felt like I, like it felt like fucking, like Gary, like, uh, what's his name? Like it really felt like you just took the worst horrific dump of your life. Like it was the single worst. So I was gagging.

• 59:08Speaker 04

  I got one of those on the flight.

• 59:10Speaker 05

  And then me and the other people around us were like looking at each other and just had to cover our faces with our shirts. From, and it, because it was either.

• 59:15Speaker 04

  Do you think the old lady brought the little girl in there to have someone to blame?

• 59:20Speaker 05

  It's diabolical. I'm just saying, I think that little girl's fucking drink, I don't know what she's doing.

• 59:27Speaker 04

  Maybe they, maybe they didn't want to leave the little girl alone.

• 59:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, would she have a bunch of Irish car bombs?

• 59:31Speaker 04

  So she brought her in there to take a shit because they didn't want the little girl to sit by herself.

• 59:35Speaker 05

  I've seen an old woman blow up a bathroom before.

• 59:38Speaker 04

  Yeah. I think the old lady did it.

• 59:40Speaker 05

  I'd like to think so.

• 59:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's a little girl. I mean, how old?

• 59:44Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 59:45Speaker 04

  What do you guess? 10? 8?

• 59:48Speaker 05

  You bring, no, they were, they had brought, it was like a, it was like a little kid.

• 59:55Speaker 05

  Like 13, 14. Yeah, no, no, yeah, little kid, no 14, 15. Yeah, yeah, 14, 15. She went in with her grandmother.

• 1:00:02Speaker 04

  So it was like a baby.

• 1:00:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:04Speaker 04

  Babies got sticky poop sometimes.

• 1:00:05Speaker 05

  Oh no, I know that.

• 1:00:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, you can't leave the baby alone. You gotta shit, you gotta hold it while you shit.

• 1:00:10Speaker 05

  Because you gotta hold it over the toilet.

• 1:00:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:12Speaker 05

  I know how kids work.

• 1:00:13Speaker 04

  Man, I had an old man almost run me over for the toilet and then I was like, I was like, hey, man, you need it more than I do, you know, on the plane? And man, he did. It was a stinky one in there afterwards. It was so much shit like all over the side of the bowl.

• 1:00:25Speaker 05

  Sorry, buddy. It is first come, first fucking serve. I don't care what the fuck you got going on there. Especially, I'm sorry, I'm the, that's where I may be mean, Eddie. Because even if that was true and I knew you were gonna do there ahead of me, I would absolutely cut you off. Because I gotta go faster anyway.

• 1:00:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I let him go. I let him go.

• 1:00:44Speaker 05

  You're too nice.

• 1:00:44Speaker 04

  I'm too nice. I wish I didn't, or I wish I just held it.

• 1:00:47Speaker 05

  If I got to pee, oh, I'm, I'm jumping in there.

• 1:00:50Speaker 04

  Yeah. That old man was gonna die.

• 1:00:52Speaker 05

  Hey.

• 1:00:53Speaker 04

  Fucking. Do it already. Fucking just give up already. Leave it to the younger people. Alright, so we got more poo poo to talk about, right?

• 1:01:02Speaker 05

  Okay, I got this. I have to cover this, so.

• 1:01:04Speaker 04

  How many people just turned off the fuck?

• 1:01:06Speaker 05

  I don't care. You know, like, this is what we have to cover. We have to cover this. This is huge.

• 1:01:10Speaker 04

  It's our show. It's not their show.

• 1:01:12Speaker 05

  So here's some listener emails. Oh, we got some. Don't we have some, uh, reggae tinged ones? We do. You wanna hear? You wanna reggae one?

• 1:01:18Speaker 04

  Oh, that's so nice. People listened?

• 1:01:20Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:20Speaker 04

  That's so nice, man. Oh, man, I'm fucking blaze up.

• 1:01:24Speaker 05

  Block. Sick of block. Uh, this one's from George, from Loveland, Colorado.

• 1:01:29Speaker 04

  Jorge, please.

• 1:01:30Speaker 05

  Jorge, yes, thank you. Alright, here you go.

• 1:01:32Speaker 04

  Yeah. This one goes out to Tootsie. Rest in peace. Rest in peace, brother.

• 1:01:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, dude!

• 1:01:45Speaker 04

  This is what I'm talking about!

• 1:01:58Speaker 04

  Wow! That was unbelievable.

• 1:02:02Speaker 05

  It was really good, man.

• 1:02:03Speaker 04

  Thank you so much, George.

• 1:02:05Speaker 05

  Oh, my god.

• 1:02:08Speaker 04

  Hey, keep that one around, would you? Thank you.

• 1:02:11Speaker 05

  That was a good one. You got it, man. So last week, we debuted an interview we did with influencer, author Alyssa Grenfell, who wrote-

• 1:02:19Speaker 04

  She was wonderful.

• 1:02:20Speaker 05

  She's truly wonderful. We wrote the- she wrote the book, How to Leave the Mormon Church. Go check it out, especially if you're looking, trying to figure out a way to get that. She- and we had a lot of fun. We just kinda had a little, like, hangout episode where she showed us a bunch of the secret handshakes. And one of the special things that she did was she brought in the special magic Mormon underwear for me to try on.

• 1:02:39Speaker 04

  Which I didn't know existed.

• 1:02:40Speaker 05

  Yes, and so we got to put it on. It's extremely translucent, very sexy. It looked great. And my main question to her, because my first question always, gonna say something puerile and stupid.

• 1:02:51Speaker 04

  I will say it was the whitest you ever looked.

• 1:02:53Speaker 05

  Thank you. I've been trying. I've been trying because it's so hard with this Polish skin. You know, everywhere I go, people always ask me, "Are you legal to vote?", you know?

• 1:03:05Speaker 05

  And so I, uh, my main question, obviously, was this is thin, cottony material.

• 1:03:13Speaker 05

  What is the situation with Mormon men and skid marks?

• 1:03:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:16Speaker 05

  And Alyssa and her truly, I honestly, I want to say in her, I'm gonna say she's lucky.

• 1:03:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:23Speaker 05

  Cause she said she didn't know. And she, you know, she didn't know and or she was-

• 1:03:27Speaker 04

  She was too classy to answer.

• 1:03:29Speaker 05

  Yes. But thankfully, you guys weren't. Because I got so many emails about, which I, cause I called it, obviously.

• 1:03:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:39Speaker 05

  Uh, because so many of you poor ladies were forced to wash your fathers and your brothers Mormon underwear.

• 1:03:47Speaker 04

  And do everything, yeah.

• 1:03:48Speaker 05

  And the stories, some of these make me wanna fucking die. Some of these really, really die, right? So some people said you can bleach them, obviously, but they eventually get brittle and they break apart. Um, so this is one, one. I've been a huge fan of the show for nine years now and I've always wanted to write in and give my two cents on something y'all are asking about. As another former Mormon turned atheist who also happens to live in Utah currently, I can say 100% the magic underwear gets skid marked to hell by Mormon men. I grew up with two uncles who were both large hairy men like Henry and I don't ever remember a time their underwear wasn't skid marked. Love the shows.

• 1:04:28Speaker 05

  I was born into and raised in the church until I turned 21 and now I've been an ex-mo for 10 years. I actually was going to BYU Idaho for a while while Chad and Lori were living in Retsberg and during their thang, right?

• 1:04:39Speaker 04

  Flex.

• 1:04:40Speaker 05

  So honestly, I'm fucking, I'm jealous. They have soup shit, it's extensive experience with Mormon men and their skid marks. Most of the places I lived that had up to eight dudes living there, most of whom had been on their missions. Uh, so they wore the underwear and I can assure you that skid marks were a regular thing. Something that was joked about upon, among almost every level of men's socialization in the church. And was a widely accepted phenomenon because it's too gay to touch your butthole.

• 1:05:08Speaker 04

  You know, I got the easiest fix. Just make the underwear brown. Just make it brown. Skip brown fabric.

• 1:05:17Speaker 05

  No, it would just become black as coal.

• 1:05:20Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? Like, it would be worse.

• 1:05:22Speaker 05

  I just want to reach out and let you all know that Mormon men have the worst skid marks on the planet.

• 1:05:26Speaker 04

  Whoa, that's, I don't know about that. Baptist.

• 1:05:29Speaker 05

  I don't find out.

• 1:05:30Speaker 04

  I think it's the Baptist.

• 1:05:31Speaker 05

  I don't know, a couple of linen suits would like to argue with that, yeah. I was in boot camp with a Mormon man, and he still wore his temple garments at boot camp. In boot camp, we had something called streak of the week, where they stamped the underwear that had been had at laundry time, and whoever has the worst streak in their underwear would get what they call beaten, which is forced to do multiple individual workouts. Our little Mormon friend had streak of the week all nine weeks of boot camp.

• 1:05:59Speaker 04

  Oh my god. Dude, all, you didn't get, I bet he was strong as fuck when he was done.

• 1:06:06Speaker 05

  In my first duty station, no pun intended, I also had a Mormon there working with my unit when we went on deployment, and I came to find out, he would walk around after work in the barracks with just his underwear, and the entire back of it was brown. The rest of it was white, and we all called him skid.

• 1:06:23Speaker 05

  Just also about the pit stains. One thing was the pit stains, that's actually truly gross, but the one thing also I learned is that then, the problem is that you can't just throw them out. You have to ceremoniously get rid of them, so you have to cut, there's these little magical symbols that are sewn into it that have to be cut out first, and then the whole thing has to be burned. It's fucking absolutely stupid. Another person talked about, not even just poo poo marks and skid marks, not poo poo marks and armpit marks, someone says like, I was a Mormon, I wiped vigorously because I didn't want to be disgusted about my own underwear because I watched my father. He's like, my problem was, was that it was white and it would collect every single little micromillimeter of pee.

• 1:07:07Speaker 05

  So if you had a bit of pee dangling, so he said by the time, if you've been wearing it multiple times, depending on how many you wash it, you have a yellow patch right on top of your balls.

• 1:07:16Speaker 04

  And plus sweat kind of turns into that too.

• 1:07:18Speaker 05

  It can.

• 1:07:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, so yeah, of course, of course that's what happens.

• 1:07:22Speaker 05

  And so basically they become.

• 1:07:23Speaker 04

  Such a bad idea.

• 1:07:24Speaker 05

  Oh yes, and it basically becomes permanent, the skid mark's permanent, and then they eventually, they do call, they say they call them well-worn.

• 1:07:32Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:07:32Speaker 05

  That's the term, Mormons always have code.

• 1:07:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:35Speaker 05

  So like part of the ways they say, instead of saying shit filled underwear, they say they're well worn and it's time for them to be mended.

• 1:07:41Speaker 04

  Well, how about they take some of that fucking billions of dollars and just make sure everyone's got better underwear?

• 1:07:47Speaker 05

  Mmm, I do think that they could have some of that colloidal material. Have you seen that? They have poo poo resistant. Look up poo poo resistant underwear.

• 1:07:57Speaker 04

  Oh, really?

• 1:07:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, they have colloidal. It's like, I know there's fart resistant underwear.

• 1:08:00Speaker 04

  There's diapers. What do you mean fart resistant underwear?

• 1:08:02Speaker 05

  There is underwear.

• 1:08:04Speaker 04

  Well, you just put like dryer sheets in your pants?

• 1:08:05Speaker 05

  No, what it has is like a type of, it's a, like a, something in the fabric that collects your fart smells.

• 1:08:12Speaker 04

  Oh, it's gotta be like a spoof. Remember those? We used to have smoked weed in high school and you take a shampoo bottle and you cut the end off and you fill it with dryer sheets and you blow the smoke through that so your mom doesn't catch it?

• 1:08:22Speaker 05

  Side stories, L P O T L at gmail dot com. Does anyone work within the underwear technology sector?

• 1:08:28Speaker 04

  Dude, this is how we stop the butt sniffer.

• 1:08:30Speaker 05

  Well, there's a problem. Butt sniffer also, he's still out there.

• 1:08:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:33Speaker 05

  Also, I just want to say I'm sorry because that video I showed during my mandate was butt liquor.

• 1:08:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:38Speaker 05

  Oh, butt liquor. Yeah, he did a, he little, he hit it with a little tip of his tongue where you get the, tip of your tongue where you get the sweet taste.

• 1:08:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:46Speaker 05

  These have fart filtering underwear. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, these are pretty cool. Yeah, fart filtering underwear.

• 1:08:51Speaker 04

  I wouldn't wear it. I love.

• 1:08:52Speaker 05

  You should try it.

• 1:08:53Speaker 04

  No, I like my farts.

• 1:08:54Speaker 05

  But then you could do something like, it would be kind of cool for you. I, I feel like if anyone was gonna test it.

• 1:08:58Speaker 04

  We do share an office.

• 1:09:00Speaker 05

  If there was a person that could truly test the rigor of that underwear, it would be you.

• 1:09:06Speaker 04

  All right, well, maybe we'll get a pair. Rob, we'll, we'll, we'll.

• 1:09:08Speaker 05

  I'll put it on the company dime.

• 1:09:11Speaker 04

  I'll get him for the office only.

• 1:09:12Speaker 05

  I'll put it on the company guard.

• 1:09:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's for work.

• 1:09:16Speaker 05

  It is for work. It is performance wear. This thing, you get a little pad you could put on your butt.

• 1:09:20Speaker 04

  Oh, I bet that's nice if you're sitting down too long.

• 1:09:23Speaker 05

  It's also great for when you got the roids.

• 1:09:25Speaker 04

  Oh, man, well, I don't know about all that.

• 1:09:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, cuz you know, when you, I know how you like to free bleed.

• 1:09:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I got, yeah, no, I got my little tampon for my butt.

• 1:09:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, that's great.

• 1:09:36Speaker 05

  You fucking, you might not like it. This is gonna what your whole life is gonna look like once you hit your mid 40s, my friend.

• 1:09:41Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. No, yeah, the pee pee leaks.

• 1:09:43Speaker 05

  So I also got here, I got this one last little letter, which is really fun. My uncle and Gary Ridgway.

• 1:09:49Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:09:50Speaker 05

  During the Green River Killer Redux, it was briefly mentioned that Gary Ridgway often went to breakfast after his murders. I can confirm that the restaurant he frequented in his times, it was a Denny's. Um, apparently there is an exact restaurant. But I'd like to protect the Denny's innocence, apparently, so it's not-

• 1:10:09Speaker 04

  There is no innocence in Denny's.

• 1:10:11Speaker 05

  We all know, but we know he's saying the specific Denny's, he doesn't want to shout it out. Uh, I think it's the one near the Green River. So, I know this because my uncle went to the same Denny's frequently enough to have irregular conversations with Gary Ridgway during his killing spree. In a period of time where Gary was most active. Apparently, my uncle said, had said, uncle's boss even had lunch with what they called him, they called him Weird Gary. When asked about it, my uncle called Gary, he's kinda off putting. And he said he would, he wouldn't make sense, and he'd be real random. He wasn't a smart guy. Apparently Gary also refused to talk about his day job at all, even when asked directly.

• 1:10:55Speaker 05

  My uncle didn't really think about Gary for years until he saw the guy plaster all over the front pages of the newspaper in the early 2000s. Unfortunately, as my uncle is a notorious, notorious jabberjaw, I wasn't able to interject and ask if Gary had a regular Denny's order. And if I ever find out if Gary Ridgway had a favorite Denny's menu item, I'll write back. Please do, and why is it, I mean, ooh, what would it be?

• 1:11:18Speaker 04

  I love that, uh, he's a jabber jabber man, you know, that he talks at breakfast.

• 1:11:24Speaker 05

  Well, I mean, I get it, I love the idea of talking.

• 1:11:26Speaker 04

  I, when I'm alone at breakfast, do not talk to me.

• 1:11:30Speaker 05

  I, it's in the morning, it's not the same for me. I, I don't think it's the same. Well, I, I'm gonna say right here, guys, right now, straight up, I do believe that what he would do, that's a super slam.

• 1:11:42Speaker 04

  You think so, percent?

• 1:11:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:11:43Speaker 04

  You know, really, I would say probably just, he seems boring to me. I think he's just two eggs, bacon, and, and, uh, and, uh, potatoes.

• 1:11:51Speaker 05

  You don't think super slam's boring?

• 1:11:53Speaker 04

  What else is in there?

• 1:11:55Speaker 05

  Moon's over my hammy.

• 1:11:56Speaker 04

  Moon's over, yeah, it's too much food for Gary. He's too tiny.

• 1:11:59Speaker 05

  You got the berry stuffed French toast slam?

• 1:12:01Speaker 04

  He's not fat.

• 1:12:02Speaker 05

  Plant-based pancake slam?

• 1:12:03Speaker 04

  Berkowitz is a super slam man.

• 1:12:05Speaker 05

  Hey, but I feel like those are the kites that got like, like, like Marcus eats big fat boy foods. When he eats. The only things he eats are extremely fat boy foods and he only eats them like once a day. So somehow he's like, stays skinny doing that. I think Gary Ridgeway might be like that where he eats one big, super unhealthy meal every day.

• 1:12:24Speaker 04

  I could see Gary Ridgeway only eating one meal a day.

• 1:12:26Speaker 05

  Wait, no, big sloppy gross meal and then he doesn't eat for the rest of the day.

• 1:12:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, and he's just wiry the rest of the day.

• 1:12:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, and he's just smoking cigarettes and chewing gum and looking for prostitutes. Like Marcus.

• 1:12:39Speaker 05

  Got it. Got his fucking ass.

• 1:12:40Speaker 04

  Got his ass, yeah.

• 1:12:41Speaker 05

  He fucking knows, don't laugh on fucking turf.

• 1:12:44Speaker 04

  He doesn't do this show, he doesn't.

• 1:12:46Speaker 05

  No, he has some fucking care, dude. He doesn't know what happens up here. That's why you gotta go patreon.com slash podcast and laugh and you could fucking listen to this ad free. I'm going to also tell you right now, we're about to also unleash with this episode, a secondary side stories interview that is breaking news. From Henry Zebrowski.

• 1:13:03Speaker 04

  I'm very excited to hear this because I wasn't around for this interview, but I can't wait.

• 1:13:06Speaker 05

  It is a full-on bricks and many things update with the man himself, Reckless Ben, and that we'll see it's gonna show up on his feed right after the show. So go check it out and go and remember, live every day knowing for a fact that your underwear travels for you after you die.

• 1:13:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:21Speaker 05

  Love the fact that how you treated your underwear will live and survive inside the memories of the loved ones you leave behind. And you can laugh knowing that you're up in heaven with your entire army of wives and you live on your planet and guy, my god, fucking damn it. It's great to have them all wash my shit-filled underwear up here on Uranus.

• 1:13:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, just know you make your children wash your underwear, they will talk about your dirty underwear.

• 1:13:47Speaker 05

  For the rest of their lives.

• 1:13:48Speaker 04

  Very popular podcasts until they die.

• 1:13:50Speaker 05

  Yes, because you're disgusting. And you gotta wash your asshole.

• 1:13:55Speaker 04

  LPOTL dot kizwi dot com. Go watch JK Ultra. It's available for about one more week, maybe eight, nine days. I don't know. They'll tell you on there. Just go check it out. It's the last time you'll ever get a chance to see this shit. We had so much fun on the road. Two and a half years.

• 1:14:11Speaker 05

  Truly.

• 1:14:11Speaker 04

  Three continents, six countries.

• 1:14:13Speaker 05

  Please watch it. It is a labor of love and we did something different this time because we didn't want it. I feel like the last time we had shot specials that they were, they were really too tight and I wasn't really happy with the outcome. And I think we finally like, at least the world can finally see what our live show is really like.

• 1:14:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:14:32Speaker 05

  So that you can get, you can get excited about seeing us when we come back and tour next year as a main show. Last Podcast on the Left. Um, someone, there was one thing I saw being like there was some confusion. Our pod, nothing's happening to the podcasts or the streams.

• 1:14:46Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:14:46Speaker 05

  It's just, because people, people don't listen. So nothing happening to the podcasts or the streams. It is just Last Podcast on the Left Live Show is not going to be going on tour, but Side Stories is soon and we're going to have new dates for you.

• 1:14:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:14:59Speaker 05

  We're going to be starting that in September.

• 1:15:00Speaker 04

  No, I can't wait for that. But in the meantime, come see me. I'm on the road. EddieTunes.com for tickets. Um, I got July 31st, Chicago. August 16th, LA. That's Dead Men Tell Some Tales. It's our Disney show. Henry's going to show up and be with, be with me on that one. And we're going to have a lot of fun. 9/11 in 9/12 DC. I'm going to be in fucking DC on 9/11 doing shows.

• 1:15:22Speaker 05

  Yay.

• 1:15:23Speaker 04

  I have four shows over two days. Go see one of those.

• 1:15:25Speaker 05

  Get them.

• 1:15:26Speaker 04

  Um, I'm going to be.

• 1:15:27Speaker 05

  Eddie, get them. 9/12.

• 1:15:29Speaker 04

  I'm very excited.

• 1:15:30Speaker 05

  Get them.

• 1:15:30Speaker 04

  I'm going to invite all my military people out too for that one.

• 1:15:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:34Speaker 04

  Um, Milwaukee.

• 1:15:35Speaker 05

  If you're performing outside, can you call this is an outside job?

• 1:15:40Speaker 04

  I guess, well, I will be indoors, so it will be an inside job.

• 1:15:43Speaker 05

  Oh, you know what we completely forgot?

• 1:15:44Speaker 04

  What did we forget?

• 1:15:45Speaker 05

  Is Jimothy going to be opening for you?

• 1:15:47Speaker 04

  Oh, Jimothy. I, it's, when is he? I'm sorry. That, that, everyone needs to leave that poor thing alone. Just move him inside. Someone needs to capture Jimothy.

• 1:15:57Speaker 05

  Someone needs to capture him and take care of him before somebody comes.

• 1:16:00Speaker 04

  He needs to be in a house. He needs to be in a rescue.

• 1:16:01Speaker 05

  We can give a big old, this is like, the reason why we didn't.

• 1:16:04Speaker 04

  He's a snack.

• 1:16:05Speaker 05

  The reason why we didn't lead with Jimothy is because the whole world has Jimothy fever right now. And I figured that you already have it. And Jimothy is a memed raccoon that has a spine fusion issue. He's super short and he's cute. And the world is flipping up for him. He's a Seattle local. He's in the Bay Area. Go up there, just go fucking-

• 1:16:27Speaker 04

  Oh, do you think it was the toxic copper smelting of the Tacoma area that made him look like this?

• 1:16:32Speaker 05

  Yes. And I think that someone should probably take care of him, but he is just a raccoon doing his little job. And he's got cute little hands and the whole world loves him. And I just don't want to know who he voted for.

• 1:16:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. September 27th, I'll be in Milwaukee and October 4th, Denver. There's much more coming down the road.

• 1:16:51Speaker 05

  Is Jimothy gonna be in any of those dates?

• 1:16:53Speaker 04

  He's in Seattle, but I'll reach out.

• 1:16:56Speaker 05

  But if, yeah, because that's my thing is that I'd love to, I kinda need to see you do a collab with Jimothy.

• 1:17:01Speaker 04

  Jimothy, I think, has like hours to live.

• 1:17:08Speaker 04

  Unfortunately.

• 1:17:08Speaker 05

  I just like, for some reason, I have this idea of Jimothy like getting picked up by some kind of entertainment company. And then all of a sudden, Jimothy is like being dragged around by some fucking like Olivia Rodrigo or something. Like, you know, he's just clawing at her tits. And she gets angry when she gets scratched. And then he fucking gets like, he's living with MGK or something. I'm afraid for Jimothy. I don't want him to get involved in show business.

• 1:17:30Speaker 04

  He does a great version of I Got No Strings.

• 1:17:33Speaker 05

  I don't want him involved. I don't think he should be corrupted by this. I think he needs to, I think he needs to stay wherever he's at or we mean, put into a proper home.

• 1:17:42Speaker 04

  He's gonna go out with Morgan Wallen at the road.

• 1:17:45Speaker 05

  Oh, no, no.

• 1:17:46Speaker 04

  Because he pisses on himself and so it works out fine.

• 1:17:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, I wonder how his situation is. So if you see, but again, you try to leave Jimothy alone if you can, just don't-

• 1:17:54Speaker 04

  Or kidnap him and give him to someone so he's just like taken care of.

• 1:17:57Speaker 05

  It's one or the other. It's either leave him alone or give him to a hospital. And if not, just, just, let's just, because we all love Jimothy right now, but I just feel that the attention's gonna be hard on him. Look at what it did to Kanye West. Alright, I don't want it to happen to him. I don't want him to go down the fucking radicalization fucking pipeline. Once he realizes his dreams are not gonna fully go the way he wants to, yeah, sure, he's gonna show up and say, "No, I'm on film. I act on film." You know what I mean? And they're gonna be like, "No, you make content now."

• 1:18:27Speaker 04

  Oh, he doesn't even have a tail.

• 1:18:28Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:18:29Speaker 04

  So he wouldn't even make a good hat.

• 1:18:31Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:18:32Speaker 04

  Fuck that.

• 1:18:33Speaker 05

  Make a great wallet, though. So just leave Jimothy alone, okay, if we can. Or hire him. Or another other.

• 1:18:41Speaker 04

  Alright, we love you guys. We'll talk to you next week.

• 1:18:43Speaker 05

  Hail Sweet Satan.

• 1:18:44Speaker 04

  Hail Jimothy.

• 1:18:46Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:18:53Speaker 05

  Oh, look. You just got added to a meeting. About coordinating another meeting. To prepare for the pre-meeting. Ahead of the follow-up meeting. Which will, of course, require a recap meeting. And then, another meeting. Hit your booking point? Book with Southwest and enter airplane mode.