Joel Dommett: No More Mr Nice Guy?

Joel Dommett arrives at Dr Joe’s office with a reputation as one of the nicest men in showbiz - so naturally Joe decides it’s time to fix that. But beneath the politeness lie stories of childhood retaliation, teenage awkwardness with the ladies, and a surprisingly revealing tale about the least nice celebrity he’s ever met. Joe’s solution? A final exercise designed to bring out Joel’s inner menace - asking the nicest man in showbiz to insult him. Featuring @joemarler17 and @jakebhardwajtv Follow the show on Instagram: @willseeyounowshow Joe Marler Will See You Now is a Folding Pocket Production Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:30Speaker 03

  I was bullied by this kid. I made a VHS of me doing nunchucks in my garden. And I put that VHS through his door and I wrote, "This is what I'm capable of." Uh.

• 1:44Speaker 03

  Uh! Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip. Fuck! So wait a second. You've never shined a bag, lit it, and then the ashes just gone, uh, on your tongue?

• 1:55Speaker 04

  Most annoying celeb you've ever worked with?

• 1:58Speaker 03

  I met [BLEEP]. And he whispered in my ear, "I can [BLEEP] destroy you [BLEEP."

• 2:07Speaker 04

  Hello and welcome to my office. This is Joe Marler. We'll see you now with me, Dr Joe Marler. This is a show where I rummage through the attic of Britain's most famous minds and see what dusty treasures I can find. With me as always is my trusty research assistant, Jake. Hello Jake.

• 2:25Speaker 05

  Hello Joe, how are you?

• 2:26Speaker 04

  Good.

• 2:27Speaker 05

  You are good, aren't you?

• 2:28Speaker 04

  I am good.

• 2:28Speaker 05

  A twinkle in your eye today?

• 2:30Speaker 04

  I have a bit of a twinkle.

• 2:31Speaker 05

  That's like you've either had a good breakfast or something, something happened last night that you're very happy about.

• 2:37Speaker 04

  What did I have for breakfast?

• 2:40Speaker 05

  Well, it was gonna be one or the other, wasn't it?

• 2:41Speaker 04

  I've forgotten what I had for breakfast.

• 2:42Speaker 05

  Are you, generally, are you a sort of glass half-full kind of guy?

• 2:46Speaker 04

  Uh, the opposite to that. The glass is empty.

• 2:49Speaker 05

  Really?

• 2:50Speaker 04

  Yeah. Stays it on the floor.

• 2:53Speaker 05

  Oh wow, horrible.

• 2:54Speaker 04

  Glass is smashed.

• 2:55Speaker 05

  I thought you were just like an eternal optimist.

• 2:58Speaker 04

  Really?

• 2:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, I really do. I thought, like, you give off this sort of like thing of, oh bloody hell, Joe Marler's about, but actually you're quite a positive person.

• 3:07Speaker 04

  Sorry, I give off a thing that puts on an Australian accent.

• 3:10Speaker 05

  Oh bloody hell, Joe Marler's about, I don't know why. You don't give off that, I don't know what that is. But I think you, I think you are a positive person.

• 3:17Speaker 04

  No, I, I go with the mantra of, um, don't trust anyone,

• 3:24Speaker 04

  expect the worst and you'll always be pleasantly surprised.

• 3:28Speaker 05

  That's a really good way to look at it.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  You know, what about you? You're, you're, you're a shining light of joy and happiness, aren't you? Um... You're like Zebedee bouncing off the walls just...

• 3:39Speaker 05

  Who's Zebedee?

• 3:40Speaker 04

  Pardon?

• 3:40Speaker 05

  Who's Zebedee? Zebedee?

• 3:42Speaker 04

  Zebedee.

• 3:43Speaker 05

  Who is that?

• 3:44Speaker 04

  Well, you're the research assistant.

• 3:45Speaker 05

  Zeba, yeah. Which basically means I'm the one with the laptop. Zebedee was a first-century Galilean fisherman known primarily from the New Testament as the husband of Salome and father of apostles James and John. I am a bit like that.

• 3:59Speaker 05

  I am a bit like that, actually. Appearing in all four gospels, tick. Operating a fishing business with his sons, ticked. And his name's derived from the Hebrew zebadiah, meaning gift of Jehovah. Yeah, I suppose I am in a lot of ways.

• 4:12Speaker 04

  I think that's the wrong Zebedee.

• 4:15Speaker 05

  Oh, right. What was the Zebedee you were thinking of?

• 4:17Speaker 04

  I think Zebedee is a character from the 80s.

• 4:20Speaker 05

  Right. Okay, so Zebedee is a beloved magical Jack-in-the-Box character from the 1960s British television show The Magic Roundabout. What's his personality like, Zebedee?

• 4:27Speaker 04

  In this day and age, he'd be described as someone that's probably addicted to Red Bull.

• 4:31Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 4:33Speaker 04

  You know, just like, oh, live wire.

• 4:34Speaker 05

  In them days, mentalist.

• 4:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, and all bouncy, like, oh, oh, oh. But also, there's a little bit of him that's scary. Because you never know when he's gonna pop up.

• 4:42Speaker 05

  Mate, that's what I would describe you as.

• 4:46Speaker 04

  Bang!

• 4:46Speaker 05

  Why?

• 4:47Speaker 04

  Hello? Zebedee's here? That's what can happen. But then, after that initial shock, you're there like, oh, this is so fun. He's got such great energy. And that's how I feel about you.

• 4:59Speaker 05

  I really feel you've just subscribed to yourself. I really, really do believe that.

• 5:03Speaker 04

  I'm probably more Eeyore.

• 5:05Speaker 05

  You are a bit Eeyore, yeah.

• 5:07Speaker 04

  I'm not from The Magic Roundabout. I'm more Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. You know?

• 5:13Speaker 05

  Well, Joe, look, I'm very excited to introduce today's guest.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  Who we got?

• 5:16Speaker 05

  He's a comedian, presenter, one of the most positive, likeable people that this office has ever seen.

• 5:23Speaker 04

  I could bear him all.

• 5:27Speaker 04

  I caught you. I've got to know. I think I caught you.

• 5:31Speaker 05

  It's Joel Dommett.

• 5:32Speaker 04

  Joel Dommett, yeah. Huge. This is great.

• 5:35Speaker 05

  Do you think you can trust someone as sort of like eternally positive as Joel? He's very positive.

• 5:41Speaker 04

  He can't be that positive all the time. Like, if I threatened to chuck a custard pie at his wife's face, is he, is he, um, that's so nice of you. Thank you.

• 5:54Speaker 05

  Well, it's tough because he's a comedian, so he's gonna see the comic value in that. Straight off the bat, I think custard pie to the face. Any comedian worth their salt is gonna think that is classic chocolate brothers material.

• 6:03Speaker 04

  Okay, good. Say I got his slug, his pet slug, and I went, aye, I'm gonna put that in a bucket of salt.

• 6:09Speaker 05

  Then he'd get very angry.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  Well, let's see, shall we?

• 6:14Speaker 04

  Hello Janet, could you please send in Joel Dommett when you've finished with him? Thank you.

• 6:21Speaker 05

  Finished with him? What's she doing with him?

• 6:24Speaker 04

  No, is that what it sounded like? No, no, that-

• 6:27Speaker 05

  It was just what you said.

• 6:28Speaker 04

  No, I didn't mean like that. I meant finished with him as in like talking to him. You know what I mean, didn't you? Yeah, just make him a coffee or something. Okay, oh fuck.

• 6:42Speaker 04

  Joel Dommett, everybody!

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Thank you. How are you?

• 7:03Speaker 04

  Fuck, what's happened on there then?

• 7:05Speaker 05

  Well, I would say it's the most intense entrance that we've ever had from a patient. There was an aura of positivity around it, but it was also very intimate as well.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  How long has it been since I've was kissing your forehead?

• 7:18Speaker 04

  I'm completely thrown by the fucking fact my forehead is still wet.

• 7:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:24Speaker 04

  And I don't know whether to wipe it off.

• 7:25Speaker 03

  There we go.

• 7:27Speaker 04

  Joel, welcome.

• 7:28Speaker 03

  Thank you very much for having me. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. Wipe your sign, Joe.

• 7:33Speaker 04

  What's wrong with my sign?

• 7:34Speaker 03

  It's got finger marks all over it.

• 7:36Speaker 04

  Alright, you wipe it.

• 7:41Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 7:43Speaker 04

  John then?

• 7:45Speaker 03

  Oh, this one?

• 7:47Speaker 04

  Well, you're the one leading the charge apparently.

• 7:51Speaker 03

  I don't think I've ever used one of these before.

• 7:53Speaker 04

  Me neither.

• 7:54Speaker 03

  I bet you if I used it on you, your heart would be beating so slow.

• 8:00Speaker 04

  Why slow?

• 8:01Speaker 03

  Just because I imagine it must be so draining carrying that body.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  Chill out, mate. Give me my cloth and give me my stuff.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  Your sign is? Sorry.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  This is not the start I was picturing from the nicest man in showbiz.

• 8:17Speaker 03

  Sorry.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  First thing I ask every patient slash client slash guest is, can you say hello to Jake, please?

• 8:26Speaker 03

  Hello, Jake.

• 8:27Speaker 05

  Hi, Joel.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.

• 8:29Speaker 05

  Really good to meet you.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  By proper.

• 8:30Speaker 05

  You've really brought an air.

• 8:31Speaker 04

  What do you mean, proper?

• 8:32Speaker 03

  We've met before.

• 8:33Speaker 04

  Well, how?

• 8:34Speaker 03

  But through work vibes.

• 8:36Speaker 05

  Through work vibes. Yeah, we've sort of met sort of on the peripheries of each other, but it's really nice to meet properly.

• 8:40Speaker 03

  I'm a fan.

• 8:42Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  I'm a fan of it.

• 8:43Speaker 05

  You've single-handedly brought the most positivity into this office that we've had from any guest straight off the bat.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  I'll tell you that.

• 8:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  I'll tell you that. If anyone else wants me to kiss their forehead, I am fully available. Apart from that guy in the corner.

• 8:57Speaker 04

  He doesn't mean that?

• 8:57Speaker 03

  He doesn't mean that, by the way.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  Doesn't? It's a safe working space we've re-provided here. So we've got the kisses and the hellos out of the way.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:07Speaker 04

  Now is the time for the intake questionnaire.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  I'm very excited about this.

• 9:11Speaker 04

  Okay, full name?

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Joel Dommett. Patrick middle name, if you want to pop that in.

• 9:16Speaker 04

  It's a weird way of saying your name, isn't it?

• 9:18Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's like a version of James Bond saying his name, but if he was to include a middle name. My name's Joel Dommett. Joel Patrick Dommett.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  So that's good.

• 9:34Speaker 04

  Star sign?

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Gemini.

• 9:37Speaker 04

  Occupation?

• 9:40Speaker 03

  I'd say comedian. I'd say presenter. People would be, different people would put one of the other first. I think I'd probably put presenter now first before comedian, even though I consider myself to be more of a comedian than a presenter. It's a confusing way. I don't know.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:58Speaker 04

  What do you want me to put?

• 10:00Speaker 03

  Um, comedian.

• 10:03Speaker 04

  Comedian?

• 10:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, comedian, please. I love presenting. I love doing stand-up. I, I, I love presenting because I love autocue so much.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 10:16Speaker 03

  I love autocue so much.

• 10:17Speaker 04

  Why?

• 10:18Speaker 03

  It is. It's just, I wish autocue was in life. Like, when I go to a party, I wish I could just sort of look over someone's shoulders and be like, "Oh yeah, so where have you been recently?"

• 10:29Speaker 04

  Do you not worry that you'd then come across as like some sort of AI robot?

• 10:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, sort of. Yeah, yeah. It's hard though, sometimes on autocue, I do Comic Relief, and the tonal changes are really difficult. And it's in, because it's in the autocue, sometimes you don't know it's coming.

• 10:46Speaker 04

  Okay, an example of a tonal change.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  So this is me last year. See if you can see where the tonal change is supposed to come. I went, "That was a sketch by the cast of Ghosts and Kylie Minogue, how incredible was that? Coming up, we've got Dawn French, and for the first time in 25 years, the cast of Blackadder are back together. But first, human trafficking."

• 11:06Speaker 03

  Don't it? The audience cheered, they thought it was a band.

• 11:16Speaker 04

  Really good. Really, really good.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  I'll say comedian.

• 11:24Speaker 04

  Favorite thing to do in the gym?

• 11:26Speaker 03

  Oh, I'd say I've actually got a cable machine and doing like a sort of chest fly with the cable machine. It just like, and it's, because it's right opposite my machine, I've got a mirror, and it's the best I ever look.

• 11:46Speaker 05

  How many hours are you clocking in at the gym these days?

• 11:47Speaker 03

  Not many, because I've got a two and a half year old, so.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  Yesterday, I've got a treadmill in the gym, so I put Thomas the Tank Engine on, on the TV screen of the treadmill.

• 11:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  And then I sit my son on a little chair behind the treadmill, and then I run on the treadmill, whilst he's watching, whilst both of us are watching Thomas the Tank Engine. So it's a weird setup.

• 12:10Speaker 05

  This isn't a pure gym, is it? This is...

• 12:14Speaker 05

  Because I was thinking, that, that, thirty, thirty quid a month's good, but to let you do that? Mad.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  My son go through that door.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  Worst masked singer costume?

• 12:31Speaker 03

  Worst one? Look, the worst costume I'd say was probably, there was Chris Kamara. Um, he was Ghost. And there's not much more that you can do than a sheet. It was just basically a sheet.

• 12:48Speaker 04

  Okay. Favorite costume?

• 12:50Speaker 03

  My favorite costume, I think, was, uh, Michael Owen as Donuts.

• 12:56Speaker 04

  Well, plural.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's like a pile of donuts, basically with eyes. That was him. And also, you don't expect it to be Michael Owen. Like, Michael Owen is not someone you expect to be masked singer. And the funniest thing about him was you could see that he definitely thought he was gonna go out in the first episode and not have to carry on. But because his, his costume is so fun, the audience kept voting him through. And it's the only person we've ever had on the show where when I would reveal that they were going through to the next round, they would be genuinely upset. And it was my favorite thing where like, because like if you go through to the next round, you've got to learn more songs. You've got to carry on. I would say, I go through to the next round, it's Donuts.

• 13:38Speaker 03

  And to see this person dressed as a pile of donuts just go, ah.

• 13:46Speaker 03

  Genuinely sad. It was Michael Owen. It was fantastic, man.

• 13:49Speaker 04

  What's something you'd like to be good at?

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Um, something I'd like to be good at is, um, uh, being

• 13:59Speaker 03

  content.

• 14:02Speaker 03

  I feel like I'm very bad at being like, what's next? I need to keep going. I need to like, uh, I need to provide for my family and everyone, oh my god, and be, uh. And actually, I want to, I always keep thinking that the next step, I'm gonna be content and happy and, and I'm not, I'm not happy, I'm a happy person, but I just never feel at rest. And, um, feel like I, I would love to stop chasing things at one point and go like, okay, I'm really happy. My family are great. We're healthy. Let's just all chill before we all start dying.

• 14:37Speaker 04

  Favorite celebrity you've worked with?

• 14:39Speaker 03

  Oh, great show. Um, I love Davina McCall so much.

• 14:44Speaker 04

  Great energy.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Just good energy, man. Just makes you feel like, like a thirst for life. And she's so fun, she's so wise, so brilliant. I just, I like Davina a lot.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  Most annoying celeb you've ever worked with?

• 14:58Speaker 03

  Most annoying celeb I've ever worked with?

• 15:01Speaker 04

  Do you worry about answering that?

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:03Speaker 04

  Because in like, your celeb world, the celeb circle, you go, I don't wanna upset anyone.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:11Speaker 04

  And also, you strike me as not really having the ability to say something mean about anyone.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  Let me tell a story. And, um, you can bleep out the name. Can we just bleep out all names in this whole episode? So, uh, I met **** at a party once, right? And, um, I genuinely, he was really lovely. We were chatting, it was really cool. He'd had a couple of beers and stuff, and that's fine. And you could tell he's one of those people that, he's so like hardcore, that he doesn't know how to like enjoy himself, you know what I mean? And you can't imagine someone who's that couldn't, you can't imagine him to dance, right? And I saw him on a dance floor and he doesn't know, everyone else is dancing, having a really nice time, he doesn't know how to like,

• 16:04Speaker 03

  emote in that scenario.

• 16:06Speaker 04

  Give him a like.

• 16:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. And we're all dancing, he grabbed me in a headlock, like, fun. And he whispered in my ear, "I could fucking destroy you cunt."

• 16:17Speaker 03

  And it's just that thing, like, no shade to the guy. He just didn't know how to like, dance.

• 16:28Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 16:28Speaker 03

  Oh god.

• 16:29Speaker 04

  So.

• 16:30Speaker 03

  Is this too much?

• 16:37Speaker 04

  Not gonna beat around the bush.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  Mmm.

• 16:39Speaker 04

  Buddy.

• 16:40Speaker 03

  Mmm.

• 16:40Speaker 04

  You are so nice.

• 16:42Speaker 03

  Thanks bud.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  Almost too nice.

• 16:46Speaker 03

  I don't sort of see the reason why someone shouldn't be.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 16:52Speaker 04

  I, I, well.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  Like, if you're enjoying your job and you like your family, like, if, Ben, I feel really lucky.

• 17:01Speaker 04

  Nobody can be that nice and then not implode later down the line, surely, like, there's something coming around the corner with you.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  There was once, once I went, I was going to do a gig in Wales, and the gig was weird. And, um, I was driving back from Wales, and there was this, I accidentally took a wrong turning, and then I saw a sign that said, "No U-turn for eight miles." The gig was weird, I was sort of, wanted to get home, I was tired, and I just remember just, like, driving, being, seeing the sign, "No U-turn for eight miles," and I went, "Fuck!" And then I was like, "Oh, that's what it feels like."

• 17:42Speaker 03

  I was like, "I think that's what it feels like to be angry."

• 17:45Speaker 04

  Right.

• 17:47Speaker 04

  I think we need to, I think we need to delve into that a little bit more.

• 17:50Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 17:50Speaker 04

  I wanna get nasty with you.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 17:53Speaker 04

  Like, real nasty.

• 17:54Speaker 03

  Mm, oh, like, sort of Christina Aguilera.

• 17:57Speaker 05

  I think that was dirty.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  That was dirty, wasn't it? I thought it was, that's nasty, it's different.

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• 19:35Speaker 03

  Were you always nice?

• 19:37Speaker 04

  Were you a nice boy growing up?

• 19:38Speaker 03

  I think so, yeah. I didn't really know that it was a thing that I was nice, until actually quite recently, when everyone kept on saying I was nice on podcasts.

• 19:50Speaker 03

  I actually didn't. And then everyone's like, you know who's nice, Joel Dommett? And then I think actually, genuinely, I've got a lot of work in telly, because I'm nice to work with and I work, I like to think I work hard and try and get the most out of every project.

• 20:09Speaker 03

  There's definitely people who are so, I'd get booked for gigs in the early days of stand-up, because people would be like, well, he's a nice guy to hang up with. This person's funnier, but I don't want to be in a green room with that prick. So let's get Joel, because he's nicer.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  But what about before comedy? Before like TV Joel? Like at school? Were you like the fisherman's friends there, like everyone's friend?

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I sort of used to get,

• 20:36Speaker 03

  it was a mixture of a bit of bullied, but generally like friends. I would just be, I'd get bullied by a certain bunch, but because I just tried to get on with everyone. I tried to like go get on with all the people.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Because you didn't like confrontation or?

• 20:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm bad at confrontation. Yeah, yeah, I'm not very good at it. I had, I was a weird kid. I was obsessed with nunchucks when I was in school. Really good at nunchucks, turns out.

• 21:05Speaker 04

  The length at which you said nun, I thought you were just gonna say nuns. You're obsessed with nuns.

• 21:12Speaker 03

  I was obsessed with nuns. And I have to be throwing them.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  I'd quite like to see that, actually.

• 21:19Speaker 04

  How do you get into nunchucks? It's quite a dangerous hobby, isn't it?

• 21:22Speaker 03

  I was obsessed with taekwondo. And then I realised I don't like confrontation. So when it came to the fighting element of taekwondo, I was really bad at it. But there was an element of taekwondo that you could sort of do was nunchucks. And you don't fight anyone when you're in a nunchuck, you essentially do a display. So what I realised in all of this is that I thought I was into martial arts, but actually I just loved dancing. And you do a display, so everyone else would do, you'd go to competitions like at Swindon Oasis. And Mr Legend, and you'd you'd just like, there'd be judges sat there and then you'd be there, just like

• 22:05Speaker 04

  Was that a baton?

• 22:06Speaker 03

  It's basically a baton and you're just like

• 22:08Speaker 04

  A ribbon baton?

• 22:14Speaker 03

  I was unbelievable at it.

• 22:16Speaker 04

  It's quite an intense face.

• 22:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:18Speaker 04

  Really into it.

• 22:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, because I really, you've got to make it an angry face. Because then it makes it martial arts, but if I was like then it's rhythm gymnastics.

• 22:27Speaker 04

  Is that to music that's happening?

• 22:31Speaker 03

  I don't think, I think it was to music, I put on like Too Unlimited, you know? No, no.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  No, no, no, no, yeah, yeah.

• 22:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. Um.

• 22:46Speaker 04

  Do you believe in life after love?

• 22:49Speaker 03

  It's close.

• 22:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  I was, um, uh, I'm trying to remember this story. I was bullied by this kid. Again, this is funny to think about it. But I made a VHS on my mum's JVC video recorder of me doing nunchucks in my garden. And I took it to his house and I, I put that VHS through his door. And this sounds mad, but true. I wrote on the VHS of me doing nunchucks, I wrote, "This is what I'm capable of."

• 23:35Speaker 03

  Didn't help.

• 23:36Speaker 04

  I was just about to say, I'm not sure giving the bully more ammo

• 23:42Speaker 03

  Mmm.

• 23:43Speaker 04

  was the way to go about it.

• 23:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, it wasn't great.

• 23:45Speaker 04

  I would have maybe shit in a bag.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:48Speaker 04

  Posted it through the letterbox. And then, like, have you ever done that before?

• 23:52Speaker 03

  No, I wish I knew you in school.

• 23:54Speaker 04

  You've never shit in a bag?

• 23:55Speaker 03

  I've never, I don't think I've ever shit a bag. You're talking to me like as if that's the thing you've done a lot.

• 23:59Speaker 05

  That's what Joe's game beloved.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, totally.

• 24:01Speaker 04

  You've never, hang on, you've never shit in a bag?

• 24:04Speaker 03

  I've never shit in a bag.

• 24:06Speaker 04

  Well, what about a paper bag?

• 24:08Speaker 03

  The type of bag doesn't.

• 24:09Speaker 04

  You've never shit in a paper bag and lit it and put it on someone's doorstep?

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Lit it? This story's becoming bigger. Every time you keep adding a detail, you're liking it now.

• 24:22Speaker 05

  Every time he says no to the initial thing, you're surprised he hasn't done the step further.

• 24:29Speaker 03

  So, no, I've never done that. So, wait a second. You've never shat a bag?

• 24:36Speaker 03

  Lit it and then the ashes just gone on your tongue?

• 24:43Speaker 03

  You've never done that?

• 24:45Speaker 04

  That's actually my next question.

• 24:46Speaker 03

  In hindsight, when I look back, all these amazing things that had happened, I would be an entirely different person if that didn't happen to me. If he, if I'd just gone through school like, ah, yeah, great times, great times.

• 24:57Speaker 04

  Mmm.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Then I probably wouldn't be a comedian. I probably wouldn't have found this weird bunch of friends who also felt like slightly outcasty people. Yeah, I'd be, I'd be less colourful as a human being if I was, uh, if things had been easy.

• 25:16Speaker 04

  You strike me as a Gemini.

• 25:17Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 25:18Speaker 04

  Um, gen, types of gen, diamond. You strike me as a diamond, a girl's best friend. How are you with the ladies?

• 25:26Speaker 03

  In school?

• 25:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:28Speaker 03

  Or now?

• 25:29Speaker 04

  No, no, you're married?

• 25:30Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 25:30Speaker 04

  Child, one on the way.

• 25:32Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 25:32Speaker 04

  I think you're doing all right.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  But, young Joe, were you a diamond?

• 25:37Speaker 03

  I, like everyone, I think you sort of struggle with it. Like, I remember just being called frigid a lot. Do you know what I mean? Do you remember that in school, everyone, you're school, everyone frigid?

• 25:48Speaker 05

  I would say, though, you, first thing you did was plant a kiss on his head.

• 25:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:52Speaker 05

  So, opposite of frigid.

• 25:53Speaker 03

  Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

• 25:55Speaker 04

  I used to be called fridge.

• 25:59Speaker 04

  Because I used to spend a lot of time in there.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  Oh, I thought it was because you looked like the size of a fridge. I thought you were maybe like, because there was something fridge-like about you.

• 26:09Speaker 05

  So why were they calling you frigid? What was all this about?

• 26:12Speaker 03

  Um, uh, yeah, because, you know, again, in school, you don't, you don't want to kiss, you don't know whether you're supposed to kiss people. People probably now just like kiss when they're like nine or something. But like, I was quite late in that development side of things.

• 26:29Speaker 04

  You used to be different, like bases.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, bases. What would we say bases? Let's talk bases. So first base.

• 26:37Speaker 04

  First base.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Because there's only four, it sort of limits the spectrum, doesn't it, really?

• 26:42Speaker 04

  It can't be only four.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  Well, that's the problem, is there's four bases.

• 26:46Speaker 04

  Well, it can't be. There's holding hands, base one, base two, kissing, base three, fingering through the trousers.

• 26:55Speaker 04

  Base four, probably some form of penetration. Base five, anal.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Home run.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  The difference between me and you in those scenarios is that your base program is baseball, cool sport, American, you know, people, hats, you know, running, lots of audience. Rounders, for me. When I am moving on to second base and trying to sort of rub my wife through trousers, it's usually got someone else going, "Throw the bat! Throw the bat!" "It doesn't count if he doesn't throw the bat!"

• 27:40Speaker 03

  "Throw the bat! It doesn't count! It doesn't count! He didn't throw the bat!"

• 27:53Speaker 04

  I would like us to partake in a nice guy audit.

• 27:56Speaker 03

  Love that, thank you.

• 27:57Speaker 04

  So you just got to answer yes or no to the following and we'll see what your baseline score is.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  Let's go.

• 28:03Speaker 04

  Have you ever laughed at something someone said just to be polite?

• 28:06Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah, all the time. Anytime I'm at a party and there's music on. Can't help but say.

• 28:14Speaker 04

  Have you ever laughed at something I've said just to be polite?

• 28:18Speaker 03

  No, I don't think so, actually.

• 28:20Speaker 04

  Why did you look up and left?

• 28:22Speaker 05

  For the audio listeners, I'll just roll back in his head.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  No, you genuinely made me laugh. And, um, and I think there's something that we've established through this, uh, episode. Is that, uh, I'm not afraid of silence with you. Um, which I think is first base.

• 28:46Speaker 04

  Ever put cardboard in the main bin, not the recycling?

• 28:51Speaker 03

  Like, I'm very good with the bins. I'm, that's my job in the household is the, is the bins. I get annoyed sometimes when my wife puts things that are clearly for the rubbish in for recycling.

• 29:01Speaker 04

  Have you ever told your wife, uh, that you love what she's wearing, but you're actually lying? Or do you tell her the truth?

• 29:08Speaker 03

  No, I do tell her the truth, actually, because when, I just think that's pointless. I think it's pointless to say, I love what you're wearing, when you don't love what they're wearing. Because then they'll wear that thing again and then slowly but surely your relationship becomes awful. Whereas if I go, when you do like what she's wearing, or you like her makeup today, or her hair, you go like, oh, you look really great today. I think it's really important to do those things. Uh, because then she'll do it the same again. And then you generally find both of you more attractive. Or I think positive reinforcements that are truthful are like the basis of like happy relationships.

• 29:48Speaker 04

  Joel, you are Mr. Nice Guy.

• 29:51Speaker 03

  Thanks, bud.

• 29:51Speaker 04

  You are the opposite to Nick.

• 29:56Speaker 03

  Nick?

• 29:56Speaker 04

  Nasty Nick.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Nasty, okay, yeah, yeah.

• 29:59Speaker 04

  But, um, do you have any nastiness within you? That's what we need to finally discover in today's final exercise. It's the final...

• 30:12Speaker 03

  Cunt-down.

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Which actually works, I think.

• 30:16Speaker 05

  It really is, it really does work, yeah.

• 30:19Speaker 04

  I'm gonna give you one minute, one whole minute, not a minute less, not a minute more.

• 30:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 30:24Speaker 04

  Not a second less or a second more.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 30:27Speaker 04

  And you've got to throw out as many insults as you can.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Oh, Christ.

• 30:32Speaker 04

  At moi, which is French for me.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Sixty seconds is a long time.

• 30:37Speaker 04

  And lighting changed.

• 30:40Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 30:42Speaker 05

  For the audio listener, the lighting changed.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  Jake, how many insults do you think Joel can get out in sixty seconds?

• 30:51Speaker 05

  Oh, it's so tricky, because he's a very nice guy, but he's also a pro, so I think he might be average...

• 30:58Speaker 05

  Maybe one every five seconds, let's say, um...

• 31:01Speaker 03

  So it's eight?

• 31:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think he, I don't know, I'd say ten, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty.

• 31:06Speaker 04

  Jake, you're on the clock.

• 31:07Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  This is genuinely difficult, I'm not, this is, okay, here we go.

• 31:12Speaker 05

  Time starts now.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  Uh, you look like a hairy thumb. Your, your ears are like fucking blamange. Your, your nose is, your nose is, uh, bent as a fucking bent. Look, your nose is, your nose looks like it's been fucking, it's been in a car crash. Your nose looks like the start of an episode of 999. You're the only person I've ever met where your neck is wider than your head. How does that even work? If you were a frid-, people call you fridge, but if you were a fridge, I wouldn't go in you at night.

• 31:58Speaker 05

  And that's time off, everybody!

• 32:02Speaker 03

  That sixty seconds went quick, man. I was just, I felt like I was finding my stride.

• 32:06Speaker 05

  Eight strong insults there, very, very impressive, Joel Dommett, everybody.

• 32:13Speaker 05

  A hundred percent of the insults were based from the neck up.

• 32:16Speaker 03

  They were. They were. It's actually what I was looking at, and I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. Really sorry that I said your neck is thicker than your head.

• 32:25Speaker 05

  That's brilliant.

• 32:26Speaker 03

  You are like a...

• 32:31Speaker 03

  Your body is like an isosceles triangle.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  Just all goes upwards.

• 32:39Speaker 04

  The minute is over. The lighting has changed.

• 32:42Speaker 05

  The exercise has worked. We've converted him into a nasty man.

• 32:45Speaker 04

  I'm proud of you for giving it a go, but I think this attempt at trying to discover a nasty side in you has failed miserably.

• 32:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:53Speaker 04

  You are genuinely one of the loveliest, kindest people that I've come across in showbiz.

• 33:00Speaker 03

  I appreciate that.

• 33:00Speaker 04

  And you make entertainment and content and TV what it should be. Fun, enjoyable, and want people to come back and do more and more. I love you. I think you're fucking brilliant.

• 33:16Speaker 03

  Thanks, man.

• 33:17Speaker 04

  Come on.

• 33:20Speaker 03

  Feeling so nice.

• 33:25Speaker 04

  Before you go, we've got a badge for you.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  Oh, thank you.

• 33:28Speaker 04

  Jake, what are we putting on the badge?

• 33:30Speaker 05

  We've gone with bad boy for life.

• 33:32Speaker 03

  Yeah. Thanks, man.

• 33:36Speaker 05

  Which I think goes very nicely with your leather jacket.

• 33:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 33:38Speaker 05

  That's for you, Joel.

• 33:39Speaker 03

  Fucking edgy, man. Thank you so much, guys. Joel Dommett, everybody!

• 33:45Speaker 04

  Janet, please come and collect the bad boy that is Joel Dommett. She's coming. Goodbye. If you want to join the doctor's waiting list, then please subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Instagram, at @We'llSeeYouNowShow. Remember, unless it's not clear enough already, I'm not a real doctor. If you need any professional help, you'll find a link to great support services on our Instagram. I've been Joe Marler, and this has been Joe Marler Will See You Now, and I'll see you next time. Bye-bye.

• 34:15Speaker 07

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