Get OFF Your Bike!

The boys share their gripes with cyclists this week, discuss the most interesting sizes of a penis and James shares how showers have now become a life threatening experience. GET IN TOUCH: Whatsapp us - wa.me/447822034330 http://wa.me/447822034330 Fill in our Fact Up Form - https://forms.gle/uzF6XWPqaA5aNTtN7 Subscribe on Youtube - www.youtube.com/@JoeandJamesPod/videos http://www.youtube.com/@JoeandJamesPod/videos Follow us on Instagram - www.instagram.com/joeandjamespod http://www.instagram.com/joeandjamespod Follow us on TikTok - www.tiktok.com/@joeandjamespod http://www.tiktok.com/@joeandjamespod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. 12 celebrities, one Don and cold, hard cash. From the producers of The Traitors comes The Mob, a new Hulu original series. The iconic Parker Posey hosts this unique reality competition show where 12 celebrity contestants shake down in an Italian villa to win a share of up to $250,000. Watch the new Hulu original series, The Mob, premiering October 26th on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+ for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 0:35Speaker 01

  I drove in today and I have said, get off your phone about 50 times.

• 0:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I say it to myself, I try and stop listening to podcasts and then I've just got a podcast in. Sometimes, there's a Martin Amis joke about somebody who craves a cigarette while he's having a cigarette. He's, oh god, I really need a cigarette. And I'm like that with podcasts, I'm like-

• 0:54Speaker 01

  I'm like that with beer.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  But yeah, just people, and I'm not, I'm not even, I'm not over-exaggerating. Pedestrians in London, cyclists in London.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Are they, is, are they trying to do an insurance scam on me all the time? I don't, like, they, they're desperate for me to run them over.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  Cyclists with their headphones in?

• 1:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, they don't.

• 1:25Speaker 02

  What are you doing? Do you not, just go deaf then. Oh, you don't need it? Oh, fine, just go deaf. I didn't, I didn't realise you don't need one of your senses.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  It happened at least three times where somebody just walked out in front of me.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  On their phone and then sort of, sort of, and then was confused by what was on their phone and was, and slowed down. And I'm like, you're, you're gonna get hit by a car.

• 1:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I get into this argument with Hannah where I'm like, I will just walk out at a zebra crossing. And Hannah's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I've got right of way, I've got right of way.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  I know, but you've got to check, man.

• 1:58Speaker 02

  But this thing, I kind of think, you have to check anyway, what's the point of the system? Like, if I, if there's a, if I can see the car light is red, I will assume, this is, I do think this is interesting, because I think there is a level of, there is a level of risk that you just have to accept if you want to have a life. Like, you can't, I mean, otherwise, yeah, because Hannah says what you said, I, I, if the car light is red and I can see, and, and, no, and I'm sorry, and I can't see the car is slowing down, I will just be like, they'll stop. It's my right of way, I'll stop.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  I know, but sometimes they don't.

• 2:34Speaker 02

  I know, well, I suppose that's it, yeah, they might, they might not, yeah.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  And yeah, if someone, if someone walks out in front of me on a zebra crossing, I'll be like, fair enough.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  That's the rules, that's the point of that zebra crossing.

• 2:44Speaker 02

  That's the point, yeah.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  When they do it and about a seven second walk.

• 2:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Is a zebra crossing.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  I'm like, why didn't you just go up there? I would have stopped for you instead of this situation we're in now, where you've nearly gone over my bonnet.

• 3:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. No, it's, um, no, it isn't, I mean, I, I think I've got such-

• 3:07Speaker 01

  And also, you do have to look, Joe, do, do look at zebra crossings, because it's not even, it's not even cars now, it's cyclists.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  What's, I think, what I am such-

• 3:14Speaker 01

  They fucking love hitting someone on a zebra crossing as a cyclist. Honestly, they, they shout like, 100 points and stuff like that and they go past.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  I know this is bad, but like, they are really grumpy and bitchy.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Cyclists?

• 3:26Speaker 02

  They're awful.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  They're the worst.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  They're awful.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  They're the worst, they feel like the fucking world.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  What are you doing? What are you doing?

• 3:34Speaker 01

  They look, they look for a fight.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  They're horrendous, they're so, they're incredibly, they're full of them, they're smug.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Right, you get those type, they're sitting, they're-

• 3:42Speaker 02

  I've never met, I've never met any of them where I'm like, okay.

• 3:44Speaker 01

  Do you want to go for a beer?

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know, yeah, there's not a single one where you're like, oh, they seem nice.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, should we go, should we be mates?

• 3:50Speaker 02

  They are awful, I know that's bad, because they're like, they're saving their-

• 3:52Speaker 01

  That's your city cyclist, right? And then I've also got a problem with your, with your, um-

• 3:57Speaker 02

  The yellow jersey one?

• 3:58Speaker 01

  The people that, the people that think they're in the fucking-

• 4:00Speaker 02

  Oh, I've won, oh, look at me, I'm drinking champagne.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  The people that-

• 4:03Speaker 02

  On the Champs Elysees, hopeless.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  That are in the country lanes where there's just enough space for a car to get through that lane anyway.

• 4:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  And I just think you're so fucking arrogant.

• 4:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  No, I've got to get my exercise in.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  I'm holding up all these cars now, I know you've all got places to go, but I'm cycling.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  And I'm not, I'm, you know, I'm not doing any environmental damage at all.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  Being on the bike-

• 4:26Speaker 01

  I'm right.

• 4:27Speaker 02

  Being on the bike cuts you a lot of slack for, you know, not polluting the world. They use up all that slack by being such nobens.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:37Speaker 02

  That's what I'm saying.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  And it does, and it-

• 4:38Speaker 02

  And it's a lot of slack, as I was saying, okay, you've used it up immediately, well done, because that cut you a lot of slack, but you're such a cunt.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  I know.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  That you've immediately used all of it up and the next bit as well.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  I do think the blokes that think they're in the Tour de France on a Sunday afternoon in the country lane.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  With the Lycra.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  It's a bit, they are perverts, aren't they?

• 4:59Speaker 02

  It's a bit much.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  I do want to go, you need your hard drive looking at, don't you? Something's going on there.

• 5:05Speaker 02

  I don't need to see every part of your body.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:09Speaker 02

  It's fine.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Don't want to see any of it, really, I don't really like it.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  No, not really, no, I don't need, like-

• 5:13Speaker 01

  I'm not a big fan of the human body to begin with.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  No, not really, no, I mean, I think, I'm very in favour of like, I'd be very happy if the-

• 5:21Speaker 01

  There's a handful of-

• 5:22Speaker 02

  If the penis and balls were just always in a cup, I just think that should be like a mound.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  Like, I don't want-

• 5:27Speaker 01

  We should bring back the codpiece.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, but not even, but not a willy-shaped codpiece, just, just, just mound it, a grave, basically, put it in a grave, mound it, you're like a freshly dug grave.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  That's what I want the, to be over the top of my penis and balls.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  We should use what Christopher Reeves used in Superman.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  I think they flattened his penis down.

• 5:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what I mean, yeah, like-

• 5:48Speaker 01

  I watched the documentary and I can't remember who said, I think it was the costume designer or something, and he, he was like, it even needs to be really big or not at all.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  And I don't know what, I still don't know what that means.

• 6:01Speaker 02

  Who said that? The costume designer?

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Costume designer of the, of the Superman, of the Superman costume, the Superman-

• 6:07Speaker 02

  Well, no, I suppose, I suppose, in a way, I sort of understand that, because it's like, there is nothing, there is nothing worse, really, than just a sort of mediocre knob. Do you know what I mean?

• 6:18Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I know, I know.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  It's just, it's so bad, it's like, if you've got the biggest knob in the world, you have to say, well done.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  Oh, on it, I'd be-

• 6:24Speaker 02

  But anything other than that-

• 6:25Speaker 01

  I would be doing this podcast without trousers on right now.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely, but like, if it's not-

• 6:30Speaker 03

  No, you wouldn't.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  You'd be doing something, you'd have a job, you'd have a job.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  And also, you know, but let me just do an Uno reverse on you there, Queen Lily mate. You know, ladies are like, oh, I dress for the female gaze, I dress for the girls. I'd be getting out for the blokes.

• 6:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  I'd be going, fucking, eh, high fives?

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, come on.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  I wouldn't be doing it for the girls, so-

• 6:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, to me, to me-

• 6:59Speaker 03

  That wasn't the reason why I was complaining, by the way.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  What, because I was trying to impress you with my big knob?

• 7:04Speaker 02

  But, but to me, it's like, the knob is like, it's like a rec, like, if it was a record breaking, like, if you've made like the world's biggest Jaffa cake.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  I'll go and have a look at it.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  But if it's just a Jaffa cake, I'm like, well, fuck, just boring.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Didn't they have the bloke with the world's-

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Put it back in the packet.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  Didn't the-

• 7:22Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean? It's like, if it-

• 7:24Speaker 01

  Well, you can get mini Jaffa cakes, or you used to be able to, and-

• 7:27Speaker 02

  Okay, again, if you've got the world's smallest knob, like, well done.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  I will, but, you know, I'll have a look at that.

• 7:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:33Speaker 02

  A bit harder, but, not that way.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  Imagine you have the world's smallest knob.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  When you had an erection, it was the world's biggest knob.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Imagine that, that would be the ultimate biggest contrast.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  Three, I tell you what, three categories, actually, three-

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Be like a snapping turtle.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  There's three, there's three categories, aren't there? Smallest, biggest and biggest change.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Biggest change.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Most improved.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Most improved, yeah.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  That's what I'm going for. Most improved.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  I get, I, I get attendance.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Attendance is good. Discipline.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Turned up, was always there.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  Discipline, never got involved in anything. Never got booked.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Clubman.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Journeyman. Oldest, oldest, still playing, oldest but still playing. I'm going to go for that as well.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Your shoes look cleaner than they did last week.

• 8:25Speaker 02

  That's because I, I honestly, on the tube, I cleaned it with a bit of my own saliva.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  Right, I couldn't wait.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  And I honestly thought, I know, and I did-

• 8:35Speaker 01

  I couldn't wait to be like, that's your trainers after a week.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  No, I know, well, that's because I'm not-

• 8:40Speaker 01

  I'm disappointed.

• 8:41Speaker 02

  These are now my, well, as, as I say, I'm, I'm copying Jordan North from-

• 8:48Speaker 01

  Sexted.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  Sexted, uh, with, with these, where he, I could, I just, there's a little clip where he said he had his, he had his, his work trainers, I think, I think he literally keeps them in the office. And I thought, yeah, I'll do that, I mean, I'm not keeping them in the office.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:07Speaker 02

  Because I'd, I'd have to wear other shoes in and it'd be odd.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  But, um-

• 9:11Speaker 03

  So you're not copying Jordan?

• 9:12Speaker 01

  No, exactly, so not-

• 9:14Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Not doing anything at all.

• 9:16Speaker 03

  You just heard a clip.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  That is, honestly, that is such a great cross-section of this podcast. Just no consequence, just words.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  No, I wish I did, actually. No, I am in as much as, I don't really wear them other than for the podcast. I do wear them in, but I don't wear them, because the problem with those, those other ones, bless them, the other, uh-

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Arigato.

• 9:41Speaker 02

  Is it Axel and Arigato? I don't, I don't actually know. They should be sponsoring the podcast, I'm just saying, like, I, I'm, I mean, anyway, why would they, so I'm, I'm paying them, they've arranged, they've got a regular rate-

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  Why would they need to?

• 9:55Speaker 01

  I mean, it'd be good, it'd be, it'd be amazing for you if they sponsored this podcast and gave you free trainers.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  Okay, at the moment, you don't, you don't sponsor the podcast-

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Your podcast money is all going on trainers.

• 10:05Speaker 02

  You just need to give me exactly £500.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  Give me £500.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  But what do they get out of it then? If they're not sponsoring the podcast?

• 10:12Speaker 02

  I keep fucking talking about them.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  That's what they get out of it.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  I don't know if they've got-

• 10:18Speaker 02

  Anyway, the other ones, bless them, they, they-

• 10:21Speaker 01

  They didn't last too very long.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  I should say, well, I wore them every day, it didn't occur to me that you're not supposed to wear, to me, a shoe.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:27Speaker 02

  Is really just like a shell of a tortoise, it's like, it's always out, it should, it's just, you don't, it's just part of your skin.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  It's like your hair, like the idea that you have, I know you have lots of pairs of shoes.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:38Speaker 02

  And actually, I can see now that that, I just take-

• 10:41Speaker 01

  I've been wearing the same pair of shoes all summer. I've gone bands.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  I had a mate at university who, he had, he came from the countryside and he had a mate who, and they, they all used to kind of play out all summer in the fields and stuff. And when they were teenagers, his mate didn't take his boots off all summer, he would just put his feet over the end of the bed and then like, pull his trousers down so he could just sort of sleep like that.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  What, with his trousers around his ankles?

• 11:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  And then when he wakes up, he just pulls them up?

• 11:21Speaker 02

  And then when he woke up, he was pulling them back up.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  And by the end of the summer, the boots had grown into his feet.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  He had to be like cut out of them. Uh, having said that.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Could he not realise his skin?

• 11:34Speaker 02

  That that isn't true. That does sound made up, doesn't it?

• 11:39Speaker 02

  Maybe it's not, I don't know. I think it was. It might not, because yeah, anyway, yeah.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  It's the countryside, isn't it? Do you know what I mean?

• 11:44Speaker 02

  No, no one, no one really knows.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  No one knows what goes on in there. They're very secretive.

• 11:49Speaker 02

  What goes on on farms? Honestly?

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Don't know, man.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  I look at, they've got so much land. You're never allowed in.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  So much land.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  They're grumpy as well.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  They'll shoot you if you go anywhere near it.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. Drive it!

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Who was that bloke? Was he like in the eighties or the early nineties or something that just shot a TV report live on television?

• 12:10Speaker 02

  It was a bloke who shot himself.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  No, it was this geezer who was, um, he was a bit of an eccentric, but all he really wanted was just to be left alone and to be.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  And the council were like, oh, you've built something and you need to.

• 12:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  I might be getting this muddled up. But the council, and it became this sort of like David versus Goliath thing.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Where he was going, no, look, it's my land and nothing to do with you. I'm not hurting anyone. I just built like this little shed or whatever and.

• 12:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  And, um, people really got behind this guy.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  And it became like a national news story.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  It's very hard for the coun- the coun- it's very hard for the council to get, for them to be like the hero.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean? No, no one really is like, oh, the council.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:50Speaker 02

  There's something, not very heroic about that.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can't remember. I, I, yeah, I can't remember the last time I thought, oh, thanks, council, council.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Um, but on the day where the council was gonna like bulldoze this structure or something.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Um, news, news report was turned up with like TV news report was turned up.

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Right.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  And, um, and he just, he had like an old World War One revolver or something.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Right.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  And he was like swinging it about and he just shot, he was off camera, but he shot the bloke that was interviewing him. And then there was a standoff for ages.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  Bloody hell.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  And, um, and then, then something happened and they were.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  So, so, hold on. So the guy who didn't kill him?

• 13:33Speaker 01

  I think he shot a couple of people. I think he might have killed one person and injured another person.

• 13:38Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  And then there was a standoff then and it was like, oh, fuck, gee, geezer's got a gun and he sort of retreated into his caravan or something like that.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  And they were trying to do some sort of negotiation or they were trying to get a telephone to him or something. They were trying to sort of negotiate with him, tell him to come out, put the gun down and come out.

• 13:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  And, um, I think he asked for something. And when he went out to collect it, or it was a phone, they chucked a phone. And when he went out to collect the phone, they realised that he left his gun inside and they just tackled him.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Yeah. He's gonna be even more, I mean, that's not the half of it. He already doesn't, he already thinks people don't trust him.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  Now look.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  But a lot of people like.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  Dinosaur in Jurassic Park.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Like I think he killed someone, but a lot of people are like, ah, let him off.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, it's funny, isn't it? I know.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  It's the, it's the state poking in, poking their business into private affairs.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's, it's, so what he done? He built a, a thing and he wasn't many, he was unsafe.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Something like that. I might be talking absolute bollocks, but he, he, he did shoot a geezer on live television.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  He probably, again, he probably had, he, he had people on his side up until that point.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  Apparently he was obsessed with guns and fires or something. Yeah.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Fires.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  Military, um.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  But apparently I am as well. I'm getting a lot of gun stuff coming up on my.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Instagram.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Okay. Oh, yeah.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. Like the Thompson and the M1 Garand and stuff like that. Sort of old antique guns.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  You ever recommend any like really big guns, like cannons?

• 15:18Speaker 01

  Cannons.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  I'd get a cannon, that'd be a laugh. Cause the balls are like, they're quite, they're fun, aren't they? They're sort of.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  I'd love to.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  And then they smash a castle. Yeah.

• 15:27Speaker 01

  Imagine firing a cannon.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  Be good, wouldn't it? Yeah. And it, cause they look, they look like a gun designed in a cartoon.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  I wonder if you could.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  Literally got the big ball.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  I wonder if you could tie a rope to the cannonball and then the other bit to like your ankle or something.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  And then just fire it as well.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  I thought you were gonna say, so you get it back. You'd only have one ball, you'd fire it.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  Like a paddle.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then you'd have to go, you'd fire, you'd fire.

• 15:55Speaker 01

  It's a bungee jump.

• 15:56Speaker 02

  You'd fire it at the castle.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  And then it'd destroy them a bit. Then you have to go and knock and you go, oh, I'm really sorry. We've only got, can we have it back?

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Do you reckon they ever did that?

• 16:05Speaker 02

  We've only got one.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  There was like a siege during the, during the crusades or something.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  They probably did go and collect them and bring them, and bring them back.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  They'd fire, they'd fire a cannonball into the walls.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  Of like roads or something like that, right? And, uh, and then they just went, oh, sorry, my ball went in your garden.

• 16:22Speaker 02

  Can we have it back? Can we, we haven't got very many.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Can we get our ball back, please?

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I think, I mean, I, I, that'd be, it'd be, it'd be cheeky.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  You'd, they, they'd be like, no, you, it's, it's cheeky.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  But you'd be like, ah, if someone throw, put a cannonball into my house and then knocked for it and said, can I have it back? I've only got one, I probably would go. Oh, fuck it, all right.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was about to say, I thought you were gonna go, I'd tell him to fuck off or something. No, you wouldn't. You'd go. Oh, um, uh, here it is. I think, I think it got a bit scratched against my walls.

• 17:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:07Speaker 02

  We get milk delivered.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Fired.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  Every fired in. We get milk delivered and eggs.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  Every two days, but it's, I don't even, I don't even necessarily even want it. Like the other day I had to ask our, I, we're always going away and then the milk is just sat there and it's going off.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  That's, yeah, that's, you, you've got to cancel, cancel your, um, milkman.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it's basically just, um, it's because the guy who offered it to us, like, he knocked on the door and I was so sort of bam, bamboo, I, I didn't.

• 17:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, you are, you are a phone scammer's, um.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Dream, wet dream.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  He knocked on the door and he said something and then he said, I'm sure you've heard of us.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  We're the milk.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  And I, and I had, and I had.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  We're the milkmen.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  I hadn't, I literally hadn't heard what he'd said. So I, I was faced with, it was like, hello, I'm from.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  I'm sure you've heard of us. And I was so like embarrassed that I, you know, when you're just out of the conversation, you haven't heard something, you're like, I'm out of this now. I'm out. I don't know. I'm, I'm totally untethered now. And when I realised that he was talking about milk, I was so grateful that I was back in the conversation. I was like, oh, milk, milk. Yeah. And he was like, so do you wanna sign up? I was like, yes, yes. And he was like, don't just get milk though. I assume you want some other stuff as well. I was like, doff, yeah, definitely.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  So they do choc-.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  And he was like.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  Chocolate milk.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  They do also, you can basically get your whole week shot from them.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  They do, um, and, and he was like, do you want some eggs? I was like, yeah. And then, um. I, I honestly, it was a miracle I got out of that conversation just with the eggs and the milk. And we get them all the fucking time. Like there's honestly at, at times in, like there, there've been points recently. This is bad because this is a waste of food, which I hate. I'm just going through the fridge being like, they're out of date, they're out of date.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  How many eggs? Half a dozen?

• 19:09Speaker 02

  No, we get six.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Six.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  We get six every two days and a pint of milk. The very first time the eggs came, I, I, I don't know what happened, but the time I got to them, the entire packet was empty. And they'd been.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  Foxes.

• 19:23Speaker 02

  Fox, a fox had got in and just shredded it.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Um, and, um.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  They love eggs, foxes. If you want, if you wanted to get foxes into your garden, um, leave eggs, leave eggs out. They fucking love an egg.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  Well, I'm, I'm belt and braces because already there's, it's already known to be a fox haven.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  Now I'm providing a buffet.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Fox, fox butlins. It's like a caravan set for foxes.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 19:53Speaker 01

  What's gonna happen when you go, when you eventually sort of sort the garden out?

• 19:57Speaker 02

  I'm gonna have to, yeah, I don't know. I'm gonna have to like put a bench in the garden or something, saying in memory of.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  In memory of one eye.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  One eye.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  Old one eye, one eyed fox.

• 20:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, and his mate, his mate two eye.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  One eye's always there. He's always just slinking out.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  Welcome to Joe and James Fact Up, a podcast loosely about facts, but is more about the chats. If you do wanna get in touch, our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp number is oh seven eight two two zero three four three three zero and you can follow us on socials at joe and james pod. And Joe, you can watch our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple Podcasts. Just search for Joe and James Fact Up. Now, let's get backed up.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. 12 celebrities, one Don and cold, hard cash. From the producers of The Traitors comes The Mob, a new Hulu original series. The iconic Parker Posey hosts this unique reality competition show where 12 celebrity contestants shake down in an Italian villa to win a share of up to $250,000. Watch the new Hulu original series, The Mob, premiering October 26th on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  Right, unbelievable.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  Straight in.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  Straight in. Just, oh, I've seen it and you know what I'm like. I'm on it.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  We've already spoken about this one, haven't we?

• 21:33Speaker 02

  I don't, we haven't, no. And this is an interesting one because again, they've.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  I'm sure, I'm sure this was like, one of our examples for what unbelievable could be.

• 21:44Speaker 03

  I feel like maybe you guys have touched on it, but I feel like this is an officially sent in one.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  It's not made into the edit.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  No one knows.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  I don't mean, I, this is.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  No one here listens to the podcast.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  No, I, I listen to it, but I, I don't remember it.

• 21:57Speaker 03

  Listen to it right now.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  I did know this one, but it's, you know, anyway, should I do it?

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  Unbelievable, obviously, um, uh, puns that you didn't realise were puns until just now.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  That's the unbelievable part of unbelievable.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  That's the unbelievable, yeah. Unbelievable, but you've got to believe it.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  I, I've been saying this for years. I didn't realise it was a pun after all this time.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, and it's, um, it's unbelievable that it was so stupid.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  How could I not say?

• 22:24Speaker 01

  There's levels, there's loads of levels to it.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  So this is from, um.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Very clever, trust me.

• 22:28Speaker 02

  At Artvid 1915. So congratulate, so 1915. My goodness.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  Artvid 1915.

• 22:35Speaker 02

  Okay, so 111 year old, um, uh, Artvid.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  And, uh, from YouTube. And it's, uh, and it's, uh, art attack.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  It took me to the age of 20. So actually that was ages ago for them, because they're.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh, yeah.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  To figure out.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Ironically, years before the television was even.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Years before it came out, yeah.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  Decades before.

• 23:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. It took me to the age of 20 to figure out it's meant to be a pun on heart attack.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  So morbid for kids. I agree, it is a morbid one.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  I got it when I was.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  Heart attack?

• 23:13Speaker 01

  I did get that one when I was a kid. Because it was all like, there was a, it was a, there was a flashing light, there was an alarm and it was like, oh, this is an art attack.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Oh, that's right, yeah.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  This is an art attack. This is art attack.

• 23:26Speaker 02

  And he'd do, yeah, and he'd always do a big art attack, wouldn't he?

• 23:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh, the, the big art attacks were brilliant.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:33Speaker 01

  I got, well, I got as excited as I did as a child watching, trying to work out what it was. Trying to, oh, I wonder what it's gonna be, what's it gonna do, what's it gonna be?

• 23:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  What is it gonna be?

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then it had.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  That's, I'm more excited, I was more excited then, than I was like having sex or something.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I think, I, I, I think I.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  If I could go back to the age of six, I think.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Is there any way of having sex while you're doing a big art attack?

• 23:57Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 23:59Speaker 03

  As an adult.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  As an adult?

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  As an adult, yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 01

  There'll be some videos on, on the internet surely. There's, there's, there's, you can shoehorn anything into porn, I think.

• 24:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Someone, it's horses for courses and I'm not kink shaming, each to, each to their own.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, you're certainly not kink, I think, I think you're kink, um, praising.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 24:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  Topping from the bottom. What?

• 24:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know what you mean. Well, actually I don't, but I'm happy to just carry on.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  I learnt what that meant recently.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Topping from the bottom?

• 24:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, because it's on The Sopranos where Ralph Siffaretto likes to be topped from the bottom. So it's his rules, he's in charge, but he likes to be told that he's a little bitch and stuff like that.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah. I like the thing in The Sopranos where.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Soprano, Tony Soprano's sister's going, yeah, am I gonna put you back on the street, whore? Did you make me, make me any money today, bitch? He's going, yeah, baby, I made you money.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's right. The other thing that Soprano's like is that you're, it's like, it's gay to, to like go down on a woman, is it?

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, they say that, yeah.

• 25:08Speaker 02

  And it's not gay.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  For a man to give you a blowjob. I really like, um, we've probably spoken about this, but like, you know that documentary about Fire Festival?

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:17Speaker 02

  Where the guy's trying to get all his water in through customs and he, to his mate, he's like, listen, man, there's no way they're gonna let the water in, you're gonna have to suck the guy off.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  And then the guy who's in charge of getting the water in is like, I don't want to be sucked off by a bloke, because I'm not gay. And they're like, yeah, but a blowjob's a blowjob, but then he's like, not, not really, like, it's incredible, they were like, they thought that would, that was the.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  Oh, come on.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  That was incredible.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  A blowjob's a blowjob, surely.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  It was, I just, yeah. Of, of all the lack of judgement that he showed, that was the one where I was like.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  That was brilliant, that documentary.

• 25:55Speaker 02

  They didn't have any bands.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  No, didn't have any, didn't have any.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  Didn't have any, anything.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  They just had an island.

• 26:01Speaker 02

  They hired Pablo Escobar's, um, um, sort of private island, the, the old Escobar sort of private island. And the family were like, you can hire it, but you're not allowed to tell anybody that it's, that it's here. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Next day, basically, on social media, they were like, it's on Pablo Escobar's private island. And the family were like, yeah, you, so you can't have it now.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Right.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Because we said you couldn't do that and you've done it. Then they had, then they hired somewhere else. And I just felt like it wasn't as good.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  I think he was trying to do another one, that guy. I think he was trying to do another.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  He kept on being like, right, we're gonna make some money. Okay, it's a private pod. It's, it's $20,000 a night. And they're like, what is the pod? He's like, we'll build the pod. And it was just like a.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  But when you get down to the basics, how difficult is it really to put on a, you just find a place, you book some acts, you sell some tickets. They're the three main things. He didn't, he didn't really do the middle one there, did he?

• 26:57Speaker 02

  No.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  That was the one that he needed to do.

• 27:00Speaker 02

  But there was also, um, was it called Take Heart or Drawing with Heart?

• 27:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Tony Hart.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  That was where, um, what's his name?

• 27:07Speaker 02

  Tony Hart?

• 27:08Speaker 01

  No, the little plasticine fella.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  So bad at.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  What, that? Oh no, oh that, no, that was the head. That was an art attack.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  That was an art, art attack.

• 27:19Speaker 02

  Art attack, sorry. But the other one, that was, um, what was it called?

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Morph, yeah, it was Morph, yeah.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  And the white one was a little dickhead.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  There was another one, wasn't there? Yeah, Morph was just trying to like, the other one was like, yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Always trying to fuck shit up all the time.

• 27:34Speaker 02

  Just fucking behave yourself.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Take heart.

• 27:38Speaker 02

  Take heart. But that was, um, uh.

• 27:41Speaker 03

  Um, Morph's friend was called Chaz, just so you know.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  Chaz, don't see much of Morph these days, do you?

• 27:46Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  And this is only recent. I remember when my kids were little, I bought them, um, Morph kits.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  Where you got, you got some plasticine. It was Morph branded plasticine, I bet it cost a fortune.

• 28:02Speaker 02

  What's, what's clever about this plasticine is you can use it to make Morph.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  My kids, um, oh, you, you probably will miss this. I don't know if it's still a thing because my kids are, are, are on the other side now to your little, but fucking homemade scunge.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  Slime, homemade slime was this thing and it was like, oh, you can just, you've got all this stuff in your kitchen.

• 28:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  First of all, it was fucking impossible to make. It never went the way it did.

• 28:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 01

  And then, um, I was getting so fed up trying to make homemade slime because my kids had watched a load of YouTube videos about how easy it was to make homemade slime. But it was all American ingredients that have, we spoke about before, that don't care about chemicals and things like that. So it never really worked here.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  I know, they, they had access to this whole pantry of weird stuff that we just don't.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  So then the people that all my kids were watching that were making homemade slime brought out their own slime that you could buy. So I was like, oh, all right, birthdays and Christmas, I was like, I'll get them slime. And then after, after a bit of that, I was like, I'm banning it, I'm banning the slime. It's fucking everywhere.

• 29:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  The dog's gonna die, the dog, like, I'm walking in slime.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. No, I agree, yeah, it's, um.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Dog's gonna eat it, it's, I'm banning slime and I play, and I banned plasticine as well. And I tried to ban chalk on the slabs.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  I'd come home from work or something and Claire'd let the kids out and they'd be chalk

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Oh that, oh James.

• 29:34Speaker 01

  For fuck's sake.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  No, how can you ban that?

• 29:36Speaker 01

  Because it looked untidy.

• 29:37Speaker 02

  Oh, hopscotch. Oh, it's the salt of the earth, isn't it?

• 29:41Speaker 01

  And then it would always be a joke.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Oh no, I was with you children, I can't, you can't, you can't ban some little tiddlers with a chalk on the playground?

• 29:49Speaker 01

  Well, let me tell you a joke.

• 29:51Speaker 02

  The good old days.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Let me tell you.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  Let's say the good old days.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  It was a little bit spiteful and pathetic from me, I'll be honest with you, because it would be me going out of work, trying to pay the bills, trying to get everything done.

• 30:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  And it's like, it's the summer holidays and Claire and the kids are at home mucking about with chalk.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  And it'd be like, oh, Claire, Jude and Harrison, forever in a love heart. And then it'd be like, dad's a stinky poo.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  And I'd come home to that and be like, do you know what, you lot can all go fuck yourselves and banning it, banning the chalk now.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Well, you could have done your own heart with you in it and then their stinky poo.

• 30:24Speaker 01

  Do you know what, if I made it into the heart?

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  Or if there was a little like, oh, we love dads or something like that, I'd be like, oh, do you know what?

• 30:30Speaker 02

  It's always the way, it's always the way, whenever, whenever.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  But one, I didn't want the chalk there in the first place and two, they're slagging me off in the chalk as well.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  Well, I, honestly, I think whenever, whenever there appears to be a kind of ideological outcast, it always began when they just weren't included.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  And they'd be laughing, they'd be laughing in my face, they'd find it hilarious.

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:49Speaker 01

  Honestly, they'd be like, oh, dad's, dad's going outside, he's reading the stuff, watch him, watch him. And then they'd watch me go.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  And they'd be cracking up.

• 30:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  I'd be like, right, well, if you're gonna bully me, that's it.

• 31:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I was gonna say, I was, it's what we're talking about, isn't it bullying?

• 31:05Speaker 01

  I think that's why I banned the chalk.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  It was a bullying culture.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  I'll be honest. But we do have a voice note, we've got another pun believable, we've got a voice note from Sam. Here we go.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  Let me check, I've got a sound, okay. This is a two-parter.

• 31:18Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:18Speaker 03

  So I would like you to reserve your thoughts too much.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  A two-part voice note?

• 31:24Speaker 03

  Yes. So we received one and then shortly after, we received a second one.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  So there's a follow-up?

• 31:30Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Oh god.

• 31:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 31:31Speaker 04

  Hello, Joe and James. Um, I've got a pun believable from the English language, just incredible really, I've just discovered it. And it's sort of made me rethink a lot and I don't really know what else to say. So, sand, it's in between sea and land and it is named sand, commonly found in between sea and land.

• 32:03Speaker 02

  Okay, it's not, it's not a pun.

• 32:05Speaker 04

  All the best.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  Okay, it's good.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  Sam, thanks, thanks for that, Sam.

• 32:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:12Speaker 01

  I appreciate, we do appreciate it.

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Do you wanna hear Sam's follow-up?

• 32:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Okay, it, I think it might need to be.

• 32:20Speaker 01

  Well, hang on, let's listen to his follow-up.

• 32:21Speaker 04

  Okay. I'm just rethinking now and don't even know if that's a pun. Um, yeah, maybe it's not even worth showing. Uh, is it a pun? I don't know what you'd call it, but I thought you'd find it interesting.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  That sounds.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 32:39Speaker 02

  I love it, I mean, I've, I've never heard somebody.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  I fucking love the attitude.

• 32:43Speaker 02

  It's like he's inside my head, it's like, that's exactly what would have been my thought process, it would have been like, um, it's, it's quite right, yeah. It's, well, I think it's a new category, it's not, it's not pun believable. Um.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  It's something, isn't it? Is there any, is that, is it true what he said at all whatsoever?

• 33:02Speaker 03

  Sadly, sadly not, no.

• 33:04Speaker 02

  I don't think that, I don't think that can be true, but.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  It's a good way of remembering what it's called.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  Hundred percent.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  That stuff on the beach, in between the sea and the land, sand.

• 33:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's quite, um, it's quite sort of cryptic crossword, uh, land. Like, it's quite sort of, um, uh.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  Crap-tic.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Like, you'd say like, um.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Can we west now?

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Um, yeah. Uh. Yeah, you, you would, you would form it, um, yeah, that, that, I, I, I honestly think there might, there probably is a cryptic crossword clue out there where the solution is the word sand and is something to do with like, land with the top taken off or the word and, and you get the answers.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's a, there is a thing though, isn't there, that you can sort of, um, crush words together, can't you?

• 34:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. I mean, you, should you though?

• 34:05Speaker 01

  Should you?

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Should you?

• 34:07Speaker 03

  James, do you wanna guess where the word's origins trace that to?

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Sand, Germanic.

• 34:14Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. Germanic, Arabic, Latin.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  It is Germanic, is it?

• 34:22Speaker 03

  Yep. Uh, sandum.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Sandum.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:26Speaker 02

  Sandum.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Hey, Joe.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  It is time.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  But that was good though, do you wanna just move on from?

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, we've gotta keep going.

• 34:36Speaker 02

  No, but have we done enough, um?

• 34:38Speaker 01

  I think we've, I think we've, we've given, um, Sam way more effort than he gave us.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  I think it was nice that he followed up.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  I, I want him, I want him to come back.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  He's, he's, I've never really, he's completely in tune with the, the pod as a whole.

• 34:57Speaker 01

  Absolutely, yeah. That was a real snapshot of our, of our listener. Um, I've got a fact for you, you might find it interesting.

• 35:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, let's go.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Um, no, I'm doing my impression of Sam.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry. So that's what I mean, it was, yeah.

• 35:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was seamless, wasn't it?

• 35:14Speaker 02

  No, no, it was, yeah, it was absolutely.

• 35:16Speaker 01

  It was seamless.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Right, let's go.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  No, Sam's actually got a fact, actually, thinking about it, I don't think it is, I don't think it is a pun believable, so, um, anyway. Because he claims, he originally claimed that he'd turned his whole world upside down or whatever he said. And then instantly he was like, actually, no.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:36Speaker 01

  No, I don't think so.

• 35:37Speaker 02

  It was really, um.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Sam, if you'd like to be a regular contributor, please feel free.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, keep.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  Feel free. But it is time for fact check.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Here we go.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Um, this is where we read a fact or a question that you would like us to get to the bottom of, then we're gonna have a good old think during the break and we'll come back to let you know how true it feels to us and to decide whether it passes our fact check.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  Over to you, Joe.

• 36:02Speaker 02

  Right, um, so this week's fact check comes from Amanda, uh, and this is what?

• 36:09Speaker 01

  Amanda Hugg and Kiss.

• 36:10Speaker 03

  That's not the first time.

• 36:13Speaker 02

  Um, and, um, I, I want to thank Amanda for this fact, so I'm just looking for Amanda Hugg and Kiss. Why can't I find Amanda Hugg and Kiss? She, it's not that.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  No.

• 36:28Speaker 02

  This is what Amanda says. Hello, can you guys check, fact check this fact? My boyfriend doesn't believe me, but all my life, I have believed this to be true. Apparently all babies are born with blue eyes and eye colour develops after a few months. I told my boyfriend with confidence and he didn't believe me, so now I'm thinking that it's actually not true. Well, he's gaslighting you. Thanks guys, love the podcast, it's the highlight of my Tuesday mornings. Right.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:53Speaker 02

  First of all, don't be, well.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Hang on.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  I always do this.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  We need to go to the break?

• 36:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  And then we'll discuss.

• 36:59Speaker 02

  Okay, fine.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  About, we'll talk about babies' eyes. Joe and James, facts up.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Twelve celebrities, one Don and cold hard cash. From the producers of The Traitors comes The Mob, a new Hulu original series. The iconic Parker Posey hosts this unique reality competition show where 12 celebrity contestants shake down in an Italian villa to win a share of up to $250,000. Watch the new Hulu original series, The Mob, premiering October 26th on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 37:44Speaker 01

  All right, welcome back to Joe and James' Facts Up. And we were just fact checking on behalf of Amanda Hugg and Kiss, who wanted to know if all babies are born with blue eyes. Here's my initial thoughts, Joe.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  I have also believed this. I've had two babies.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:03Speaker 01

  I can't remember.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  I can't remember what colour their eyes are when they were born.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  I think there is something in this.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  I've also heard that, um, your eyeball stays the same size.

• 38:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've heard that as well.

• 38:17Speaker 01

  Your eyeball is the same. That's why babies always look like they've got such great big eyes.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, and they've got big heads as well. Like in a baby, the head is like a fifth of the height of the whole thing, whereas an adult is more like a tenth of the height.

• 38:30Speaker 01

  And also, again, can't remember which one it was, one of my kids came out with a really freaky cone head.

• 38:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  Cause you know, like, they've got a soft bit on their head and that terrified me as well. So I was constantly, I was like, uh, especially when Jude was born, I was like, Harrison, don't touch the baby's head. Cause sometimes you can see it like pulsing on the top.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  They've all got that, that, that, that bit. It's called the, um.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  Well, cause they have.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  Called that soft bit?

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Well, they're, they're, they're, but they're skulls.

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Something in Nella.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  Their skull still hasn't.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  The tellum?

• 39:05Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 39:05Speaker 03

  Fontella or Fontella?

• 39:06Speaker 02

  Fontella, Fontanella, Fontanelle?

• 39:09Speaker 03

  Fontanelle, I think.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  Fontanelle, it's that soft bit. It's fucking terrifying. You're like, can someone just please? Put a manhole cover on that or something.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  Well, it's cause the baby's head has to be, has to be in a shape where it can come out.

• 39:21Speaker 02

  Of course it does, yeah. And also.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Cause babies are undeveloped.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  When my one was born, right?

• 39:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  Hannah's one, I guess. Well, thanks. Um. Just, her head looked squashed. Cause, and now I'm like, yeah, it's just the shape of her head. It is honestly like God has made them out of clay.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Well, no, it's.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  You know, you know, what's that thing in the Bible where it's like, oh, it's just formed, is it in the Bible? No, it's not God, it's.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  AI.

• 39:51Speaker 02

  They're all AI, aren't they?

• 39:52Speaker 01

  No, but they are, they're not developed. I'm about to do an actual fact for you, Joe.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Go on then.

• 39:57Speaker 01

  Babies aren't developed. You know, when you see like a giraffe being born and Attenborough's there.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:03Speaker 01

  Whoa, look at that.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And it just, it can walk immediately.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  And he's just fucking running around.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Right, if, if you, humans were supposed to do that, the baby would be fucking massive.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  No, that's true. And it wouldn't get out.

• 40:16Speaker 01

  No.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  And do you know what it is? Brains.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  It's the old brain.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  So big, the heads are so big, they're like, we can't wait any longer. We've got to come out now. It's not coming out.

• 40:26Speaker 01

  So the baby is still sort of doing what other animals would do in the stomach.

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Some people call it the fourth trimester.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  In the belly.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  First bit where you're like, they can't do shit. They're, they're all constantly on the point of death. You can't put them anywhere. They can't like, they, you've got to be so careful.

• 40:42Speaker 01

  Can't even lift their own heads up when they're born. They're useless.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, they are. They really are. And, and they have, um.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  I'm not a fan of babies. Claire likes babies. I thought they were boring when they were babies. I like, I like it when they start sort of, you know, getting a bit cheeky and a bit funny and stuff.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  And they're just babies. It's fucking boring. They keep you up all night and.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  I, I quite like, I quite liked when my one was big because it's so manageable. You're just like.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  I think.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  You don't even really have to, people are gonna have babies. I was gonna, don't worry, the first bit. It, it's almost just the same as when you didn't have a baby. Like, it's just, you can just put them. It's, I mean.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  No, they get way more manageable.

• 41:18Speaker 02

  Like, it's just a bit like having a bag. Like, you're just, you can go to parties, put them down.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  A bag that's constantly pissed off and shitting itself and throwing up over itself and stuff.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  But even, but even, but even the shit, even the shit, it's not like, until they start eating normal food. Even the shit's basically just made out of milk. It's just like a yellow sort of case.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  You can't even go, what, what? What do you want?

• 41:39Speaker 02

  No, you can't. No, no.

• 41:41Speaker 01

  Like, even my dog is better at, like, letting me know what it needs than, than a baby.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  But then when they do know, when they can talk and they tell you what they want, it's also you can't do, like, oh, I wanna sit in my baby seat, but I wanna face backwards. So even the language doesn't, it's not, you can't do it. Like, it may be in English, but it's not possible.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  Um, but.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Anyway, I think, I, I do think that, it's not, I'm not sure whether it's blue, but I do think they all have a kind of bog standard colour when they come out. And then you don't really know.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  Is it cause maybe they haven't seen any sun? Has that got anything to do with it?

• 42:16Speaker 02

  It's a very poetic idea. It's, it's.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Cause they're, they're.

• 42:20Speaker 02

  It's high poetry, but I'm sure it's true.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Really pale when they come out as well.

• 42:23Speaker 02

  They are, yeah.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  I'm like, fucking get a tan, Jesus.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  I get, I got, I got my one straight down the sunbed.

• 42:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:28Speaker 02

  Straight in there, um.

• 42:31Speaker 01

  Well, to be fair, that's, that's a bit dangerous. I just faked hand mine.

• 42:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you just dunk them in. You get, you, you hold, hold a toe, dunk them in, bring them out.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  Like Achilles.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, and you pop them on a bit of kitchen roll or whatever.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  That's a niche joke I just made it.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  I like that. Achilles. Yeah, it's good. Achilles heel.

• 42:49Speaker 01

  That was the only bit of the.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  It's the only bit that wasn't tanned.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, no.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  No, you look so sick. Oh, God.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 42:55Speaker 02

  You're looking buff. Oh, wait a minute.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Oh, God, he's got a very pale ankle.

• 42:59Speaker 02

  Oh, and he's like, no, that was just when mummy was dunking me. And they're like, who? Forget it.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Um, but I think this is true, cause I.

• 43:07Speaker 02

  I'm not sure it's blue, but I think it's true.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  I've heard the same thing. And babies' eyes are the same size when they're adults. I'm not sure if that's true.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  You can't tell what colour a baby's eyes are gonna be when the baby is born. That is true. Whether or not they're blue, you know.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Cause I was blonde as a child. I had blonde hair. For the first few years of being alive.

• 43:29Speaker 02

  I did too. Also, people thought I was a girl.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  People used to constantly think my kids were girls.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  Um, they did have long hair, to be fair, and they're quite, they do, the pair of them do quite look like Claire.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  So they're, they're quite pretty.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, I mean, also, I find it quite sweet, cause my, my daughter, like, all her pronouns are just like all over the place. Like, she'll just be like, it, like, she, like, they'll be, and her cousins as well, ju- cause they're boys. Like, when they're talking about her, they'll just be like, I think he wants to do this. It's quite, it doesn't really think, you know, they don't have a very, they don't have a very strong sense of gender. It's quite, it's quite sweet, really.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  Anyway, let's find out if baby's little baby blue, little blanket blue baby boy.

• 44:16Speaker 02

  Yes, there you go. Is little blanket blue baby boy or not? Or no?

• 44:20Speaker 01

  That's a Bob Fossil.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  Oh, is it? Okay, okay.

• 44:23Speaker 03

  Uh, so I've, I've gone to, to Pampers on this. They've, they've done a little article about this.

• 44:28Speaker 01

  Go to people.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  They know about babies.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  Well, they know about babies.

• 44:31Speaker 03

  And they've said, it's a common belief that babies are born with blue eyes, but this is actually a myth. But, um, babies' eyes tend to be blue or grey if they are light skinned and brown if they're darker skinned.

• 44:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 44:46Speaker 03

  And this is partly due to the lack of pigment, so James, you're on the right sort of track. So what will happen is they may develop pigment with time as they are exposed to light. So also, as you said, Joe, that they may turn out a colour when they're first born, but when they're exposed to more light, their eye colour may change.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, I have to say. Change this thing about they haven't seen the sun yet.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, get them on the sunbed straight away.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  Get them on the, if you wanna know.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you, if you wanna hurry the process.

• 45:16Speaker 02

  Look, these days, we don't wanna wait around to get answers about our children.

• 45:20Speaker 01

  No.

• 45:21Speaker 02

  I wanna know now. That's where sunbeds come in.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:24Speaker 03

  They say it obviously depends on your genetics and your melanin. That's, that's those, the two, two main factors. So not necessarily sunbeds, but.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  No, not necessarily.

• 45:35Speaker 01

  That's information from Pampers.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  Well, well done, Pampers, and I'm, I'm pleased that you're, um, out there conducting academic research as well as, I didn't.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Cashing in on babies.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. To be fair, well, they are good Pampers. I mean, I, when, when, I mean, we kind of thought, I mean, my parents did this as well, and honestly, well done, but like lunatic hippies, the pair of them. But like, they had like terry nappies, which is just basically a towel.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  And the baby just shits all over, then you wash it.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:07Speaker 02

  I know, but I mean.

• 46:08Speaker 03

  Reusable toilet paper.

• 46:10Speaker 02

  What?

• 46:12Speaker 03

  It's a thing that you can get. I found out about it.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Well, it's just a, I mean, is that just a flannel?

• 46:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, so.

• 46:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, so, so they basically have like tear aways, like you would have a normal loo roll. But it's like material that all sort of attaches to one another. So you can take like a square or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably not Velcro. Um, depends.

• 46:31Speaker 02

  Like Post-it notes.

• 46:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I imagine it's like little, you know, little buttons, those little sucker buttons is what I imagine. And you can, and you can wipe yourself and then pop it in the washing machine and reuse it.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  I mean, it makes sense and, and in a way, I don't know, it is a bit.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  I'd be terrified if I went around someone's house.

• 46:47Speaker 02

  We have a, we have a B day and, and we've never, we.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Oh, I'd love a B day.

• 46:53Speaker 02

  Hannah treats this B day like it's a kind of forbidden grave or something. Like, she won't go near it. We've never been allowed to turn it on. She hates it.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  B day.

• 47:00Speaker 02

  I think, like, what's wrong with, that's cleaner.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  Absolutely love a B day. And also, it's the best thing. If you just use water, no soap or any chemicals.

• 47:10Speaker 02

  Do you ever do the thing, and is it all right that I do this, where you have the handheld shower, and if you have done a shit, you just put it right up your arse? Is that allowed?

• 47:18Speaker 03

  That's douching.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Depends.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  Is that douching, isn't it?

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Depends what you mean by right up your arse.

• 47:23Speaker 02

  No, just the water. But so if it's a nice powerful jet onto the sphincter. Is that all right or is that a bit pervy?

• 47:29Speaker 03

  Are you, are you putting the setting a bit more black, like you've made the water pressure harder?

• 47:34Speaker 02

  It's a vibrate as well. I've, I've got, I say, also, it's not, it's not, when I say it's a shower.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  It's, it's not a shower.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Dildo. It's a dildo.

• 47:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, and there's no water coming out of it. And, um.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  And I don't use it in the shower.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  I don't use it in the shower. No, I mean, I'm just saying, but that's, that's okay.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  My one's attached.

• 47:54Speaker 02

  Because I do think the British people are like, oh, B days are dirty. But it's like, no, no, we're the dirty ones.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  And I'll tell you what is, I'll tell you what I really.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  My shower, my shower head's attached to the ceiling, so it'd be really difficult.

• 48:07Speaker 03

  That's why you're so flexible.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  Have to do a handstand. I'm doing a thing at the moment in the shower. I don't know if it's an age thing. Where if I'm washing my hair and I keep my eyes closed enough, I become disorientated.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  Honestly, I nearly, I nearly.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  That is an age thing.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  I had to like grab the wall the other day. I nearly fell through the, the glass.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  Oh God, don't keep your eyes closed.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Cause my eyes were closed. My eyes were closed and I was doing that and I was sort of like rocking my head a little bit. And then I was like, oh shit, I don't know where I am anymore.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  And tell me this, are you seeing like a tunnel with bright lights at the end? And all your old grandparents going, come on, James, come on. Don't stop closing your eyes, man. I don't, don't do it.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  I don't want shampoo in my eyes.

• 48:50Speaker 02

  Not yet, not yet.

• 48:52Speaker 03

  Just.

• 48:53Speaker 02

  I'd rather have shampoo in your eyes. Not yet, man. But you're playing with fire there. You don't, you're dancing the edge of the crazy.

• 49:02Speaker 03

  Just to come back to eyes.

• 49:04Speaker 02

  Mental, yeah, that's.

• 49:06Speaker 03

  I, I did look it up and adults' eyes do grow.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  They do grow.

• 49:10Speaker 03

  So, so roughly a baby's eyes is 16.5 millimetres and an adult's can grow up to 24.

• 49:16Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 49:17Speaker 03

  So your eyes do grow.

• 49:18Speaker 02

  They do grow.

• 49:18Speaker 01

  All right.

• 49:19Speaker 02

  But I still think they're, they're pretty big. And it is, and babies, um, they are cute. And I, I always think with the baby, it's like the ultimate, if you needed a definition of soft power, and people talk about soft power. The, the definition of that is a baby. Because we are falling over ourselves to look after them.

• 49:40Speaker 01

  They run the place, yeah.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  They fucking, they get whatever they want.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  That is, and it's basically because they're cute. Well, not just like, obviously, you know, humanity and empathy and all this stuff, but like, but basically like they, my daughter never, ever asked me to take care of her. She never, ever said, you have to, she didn't put a gun to my head. She didn't say, I'll pay you or I'll fuck you up if you don't do it. I just did it.

• 50:01Speaker 01

  If anyone, if anyone's gaslighting anyone.

• 50:03Speaker 02

  It's these babies.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. They're fucking, some of them are, some of them are.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  One of my, mine, mine was when they were a baby, fucking like psychological, just sort of masterminds.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  They really are.

• 50:18Speaker 01

  And you do, you find yourself in a situation, you go, how the fuck did this happen?

• 50:23Speaker 02

  I know, I know, I know. It's, yeah. It's, it's real David and Goliath stuff and you think, my goodness, look at me, look at me. Do you ever see, um, do you ever see a, a man? And he's just cycling on a bicycle and behind him, he's got a, a giant cube. And in it are like three children.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  It's like a pop-up tent.

• 50:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I'm just like, that is, he's like a mule.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:47Speaker 02

  And I go, look at you.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 02

  That's it for you, isn't it?

• 50:50Speaker 01

  You've been mugged right off. Luckily enough, on the whole, they're pretty well behaved, my kids. They're all right.

• 50:58Speaker 02

  Well, that's probably.

• 50:59Speaker 01

  But I don't know why that is.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  I, um.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Cause they've not really had a strict upbringing or anything.

• 51:05Speaker 02

  But I don't think you need, I think.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  But we do have standards. Me and Claire do have standards. We do, we, we have, you know, anytime there was a whiff of like nonsense.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  Be like, come on, right, don't be an idiot, rein it in.

• 51:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. But I think that's.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Fucking stop crying. I'm frying your chalks in the bin.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  But this is exactly.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  That's what you get. You took the piss out of dad. Now you've got, now you've got, now you're chalkless.

• 51:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:29Speaker 01

  You little wanker.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  But they do.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  Basically, I think what kids do is that they reveal what your personality is to you. Like basically they copy you. If anything, basically the, you have to lead by example, I think. Cause what they'll, basically what they'll do, if you want to know what you're like, look at what your kids are like. That's what you're like. And it might not be exactly, anyway, it won't be what your kind of internal image of yourself is. It'll be the truth. It'll be what you're actually like.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  But you want them to be better than you, don't you? That's the point, isn't it?

• 51:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I don't know whether I don't. Yeah, I don't, I, I suppose, yeah.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  I've said it before, I think I was on.

• 52:03Speaker 02

  A little bit better, like.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Giovanna Fletcher does a podcast about parenting.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  And, um, and I said, the reason why being a parent is so difficult.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:13Speaker 01

  Because, because at the time, there was a lot of stuff coming out about soft parenting. And you can't be your kid's friend. All right. You need to tell them. Uh, cause otherwise you're just going to bring them up and they're just going to think they can do whatever they want. You need to, you need to be strict. You need to get them prepared for the world. You don't want soft little kids or whatever, right? And I was like, right, but that's easy.

• 52:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'd say also there's a lot of bollocks as well. I don't agree with that at all.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  The reason why being, the reason why being.

• 52:39Speaker 02

  Rubbish.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  The reason, the reason why being a parent's really hard is because I do want them to grow up as good people.

• 52:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  Um, I do want, uh, but I also want them to be able to feel comfortable to come to me with problems. And I, I want them to know that I'm on their side and I'm, everything I do is to try and help them.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  Completely, yeah, exactly.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  Even, even if I'm telling you off, it's to try and help you.

• 53:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 01

  Um, that's, that's why parents, parenting is hard.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  If the message is like in life, people are gonna, people are gonna fuck you over and like, uh, take advantage of you. And, uh, so I'll prepare you for that by fucking you over myself. And I, it doesn't make any sense. Like, if you're, if you're, if their home can't be a gentle place. Where the fuck is going to be a gentle place? Is all they've got is the only place they've got where they get unconditional love. And then now the theory is, oh, we need to redraw that because they're expected everywhere. Well, they, of course they won't. They're not idiots.

• 53:27Speaker 01

  And in hindsight.

• 53:28Speaker 02

  Why isn't the world exactly like my home?

• 53:29Speaker 01

  In hindsight now, I'm like, oh, I've brought my kids up the way I'm bringing them up and now they won't be a part of the manosphere. And I'm just like, fine.

• 53:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  And the manosphere is bollocks as well.

• 53:42Speaker 02

  I don't even really know what the manosphere is, to be honest.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  It's about alpha men, alpha men telling other people what to do. Saying things like, you know, don't just listen to people. Literally telling people what to do. And then, um, and I just think the, the most least alpha man thing you can do is, um, go on the internet and whinge about stuff. That's what I do. I've made a career out of doing that. I'm not an alpha man. But don't, don't, if you do want to be an alpha man, ironically, all the people that are giving you tips on how to be an alpha man. I think have negated themselves on the way they've gone about. Because real alpha men, I assume, just fucking get on with shit and just get on with their work and do stuff. They don't just go on the internet and go, I've got a course.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  I've got a course. How to be an alpha man. You wear a little purple shirt and tight trousers.

• 54:37Speaker 02

  It's toe, it's toe bollocks.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  It's bullshit. Hey Joe, can I do my fact for you?

• 54:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  It's a good one. I, I, I heard about this during the week. I made a note about it straight away and I was like, that's a good little fact.

• 54:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  Did you know, in the pub, that's why I like the fact as, fact as well, because it's about beer and pubs and stuff.

• 54:55Speaker 02

  Pub fact, okay.

• 54:56Speaker 01

  Did you know that in the pub, you cannot

• 55:00Speaker 01

  order a quarter of a pint? It's illegal.

• 55:04Speaker 02

  What?

• 55:05Speaker 01

  Let that, let that sink in. You can order.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  Get a half?

• 55:08Speaker 01

  You can get a half pint. You can get a third pint if you really wanted to be difficult. If you really wanted to ruin a bartender's day.

• 55:17Speaker 02

  I've had a third pint. That's what I have after my second pint.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  You can get a third pint.

• 55:21Speaker 02

  Ah.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  Brilliant. The most traditional joke.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  You've ruined it.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  You've ruined my facts because that was too good. That was better than my fact.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  No, it wasn't.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  You've really, you've stolen my thunder.

• 55:36Speaker 02

  No.

• 55:37Speaker 01

  Oh, you've really alpha maled me there.

• 55:38Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  You have made me your bitch doing that.

• 55:43Speaker 02

  It was sort of hold my beer, but.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  It was.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  Um, yeah.

• 55:46Speaker 01

  Um, but you can, um, you cannot get, uh, it, it's against the law. It's against the law. Uh, it comes, um, from the UK weights and measures rules, which are very strict. I love how strict those are.

• 55:58Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  It's, it really is British, those rules. Where, where we don't want to be shortchanged if we're, if we, if we're getting, you know, a gin and tonic. It's got to be, if you're getting a single gin and tonic, it's got to be 25 mils.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:12Speaker 01

  And, you know, they created those optics things and stuff to make sure that, um, and it's important. It's important to us as British people.

• 56:22Speaker 01

  Hang on a minute, there's not enough gin in that.

• 56:24Speaker 02

  Yeah. And the head. God, could you put a bit more in there?

• 56:28Speaker 01

  I don't mind them. A foamy head, actually.

• 56:32Speaker 02

  Hmm, okay.

• 56:34Speaker 05

  One of the audience members told you that it's technically illegal to be drunk in a pub.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  That's true as well, yeah. Victorian times, Jack the Ripper's knocking about.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Poor people are most of the country.

• 56:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  They're sleeping on ropes.

• 56:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:53Speaker 01

  The only thing that they've got to do is go to the pub.

• 56:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:58Speaker 01

  And then you get like a low, then inevitably what you get is most of the country are just pissed all the time.

• 57:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:04Speaker 01

  So I think they had to sort of make it illegal to be drunk and they've not bothered to really change, they've not gone back and been like.

• 57:11Speaker 02

  The word drunk.

• 57:12Speaker 01

  You can be a bit drunk.

• 57:13Speaker 02

  The word drunk is doing a lot of, uh, is occupying a very ambiguous space there.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, I mean, you can, yeah, there's different, there's the whole range. There's a big spectrum on drunkenness, isn't there?

• 57:25Speaker 02

  I, yeah, I suppose what they're, if you're sort of.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  Cause I can go from being incredibly funny and charming and quite charismatic.

• 57:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:35Speaker 01

  To shitting and puking all over myself in the same space of like a couple of hours.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  Sure, sure.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 57:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  It's a fine line. Um, but yeah, you cannot go, you cannot, it's illegal.

• 57:49Speaker 02

  I like the, the third.

• 57:49Speaker 01

  Pubs cannot give you a third of the, uh, cannot give you a, um, a quarter of a pint. They can't do it.

• 57:56Speaker 03

  This is, this is featured in a scene of Friday night dinner. I don't know, Joe, if you remember this from when you rewatched it, but, um.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  You watched Friday night dinner?

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:05Speaker 01

  Never watched it.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  Tom, Tom Rosenthal and Simon Bird's character go into the pub and they've got no money other than what their gran has given them, which is two pounds in a little purse because they've stormed off from the house. And they order pints and they realise they've got no money other than this two pounds. And they're like, what can we get with our two pounds?

• 58:23Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  And they can't afford anything other than a half pint. So they order a half pint and then they, because they can't order a, a quarter of a pint.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:31Speaker 03

  Each. And then they just split it into two glasses. So they'd end up with a quarter pint each.

• 58:36Speaker 02

  Ah, because you're not allowed a quarter of a pint.

• 58:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:39Speaker 02

  God.

• 58:39Speaker 01

  Well, I didn't get that from Friday night dinner, but I'm glad that it's out there.

• 58:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  I should watch Friday night dinner. It's meant to be brilliant.

• 58:46Speaker 02

  It's really good.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  Everyone in it, I like. Everyone in it, I like. Papa, written by Papa. Um, I just, I, I just wouldn't be able to sit there and get, and get immersed into the. Cause I'd just be going, oh, that's Bird. Look at that, Simon Bird on the TV. I'd be like calling my kids in going, oh, I know that bloke.

• 59:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. It's really good. It's really good.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  Right. I'm all fact out.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  Me too.

• 59:13Speaker 01

  JT, what have we learned today? Oh, can we get rid of that question? What have we learned today? We've learnt the.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  I thought we had got rid of it and it's.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  It's made us way back in, right?

• 59:22Speaker 03

  It's, it's in my, it's in my template script.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  Working, working my way backwards. You can't order a quarter of a pint. Baby's eyes can be blue. They can be other colours as well. It's not strictly true that they're just blue when they're born. And we also learn, but not really, because everyone listening to this know, learned that art attack is a pun on heart attack. Um.

• 59:47Speaker 02

  But it's good to.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  It's good to, just to.

• 59:50Speaker 02

  You know, never, never forget, I suppose.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  Well, we hope that you have learnt something if you're listening slash watching this. Uh, we'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and art attacks. And don't forget, you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you want to get to us. Our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp, WhatsApp is oh seven eight two two zero three four three three zero. And you can follow on social media at joe and james pod. And if you've already forgotten everything I said in the last seven seconds, head to the description and those details are there. We'll see you next week. Bye, guys.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  Bye.

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  Joe and James fucked up.

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

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