Jocko Underground: Break The Cycle - Getting Over The Trauma of An Abusive Parent.

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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jocko Willink?

  This is the Jocko Underground Podcast, number 222, sitting here with Echo Charles. We have some questions from the front lines, from the engagements in the field. And we're going to provide some answers, possibly some recommendations, and at a minimum, some courses of action that you can follow to get through what Echo Charles calls the maze of life.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  It's true. Also, people have been asking, so just a friendly reminder, if you want to ask your questions, all you gotta do is email [email protected].

• 0:35Jocko Willink?

  There you go.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Sometimes people, they, you know, they need some directions as far as where to ask these questions.

• 0:41Jocko Willink?

  Actually, now that you put that out, we haven't put that out in a long time. And we still get a lot of questions. So I didn't suspect there was people that did not know, or were not in the know, as they say. But now, they're all in the know.

• 0:53Speaker 01

  No worries.

• 0:54Jocko Willink?

  Email the questions to?

• 0:56Speaker 01

  [email protected].

• 0:58Jocko Willink?

  There you go. All right, let's get to the first question.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  First question. My father was severely abusive throughout my childhood, physically and verbally, though he did, though he hid it from others. As an adult, I built a happy life, raised my son differently, and eventually set healthy boundaries. In his final years, he tried to make amends, and before dying of brain cancer last week, admitted he feared judgment for how he treated me. Now with his funeral approaching, and everyone praising him, old nightmares have returned. How can I prepare for the funeral, process these conflicting emotions, and move forward without losing the peace I've built?

• 1:39Jocko Willink?

  Yeah. So, you know, sorry to hear about your dad. That's, that's a, sorry that you had to grow up like that. That's terrible. I'm also very impressed that you were able to come out of that,

• 1:54Jocko Willink?

  that terror situation, and build yourself a happy life, and break that cycle of abuse, and raise your son right. That's outstanding. So outstanding job. And the main thing you don't want to do is let anything interfere with what it is that you have built.

• 2:11Jocko Willink?

  And, you know, I think what has happened in the past is in the past. And you have successfully moved forward and processed it in a healthy way. And, you know, I don't know if you got professional help. I'm not a psychologist, you know? So if you haven't done that, and you did all this progress without that, good.

• 2:37Jocko Willink?

  If you feel like you're kind of slipping or something, maybe you could go talk to somebody. I definitely recommend, you know, getting professional help if you think you need it.

• 2:49Jocko Willink?

  It's, you know, it's sad that your dad is afraid now, and that he knows he's going to be judged.

• 2:56Jocko Willink?

  Also, kind of in a way, for me, in my opinion, that's a positive thing, right? At least he understands that he was wrong. At least he has admitted that he's wrong. There's some people that they would never admit that in a million years. Sometimes, sometimes people won't admit that they were wrong about, you know, what time the restaurant closed. You know what I mean? Oh, the restaurant's closed. No, it's, it'll be open. When it's not open, it's like, well, they, they closed early. You know what I mean? You know, some people won't even admit to that. So the fact that your dad is, is admitting this level of wrongdoing is pretty positive. The funerals, you know, funerals are emotional. It's going to be emotional. I'm sure it's going to be difficult for you to hear people praising him without knowing

• 3:41Jocko Willink?

  these terrible things that he did to you.

• 3:46Jocko Willink?

  I'm not sure what good it would go to detail what happened, you know, to you. I don't know if you're going to give the eulogy, if you're going to speak.

• 3:57Jocko Willink?

  I think your dad would, would understand if you mentioned, and I think people would understand if you, you know, if you mentioned the fact that like every human being, he had shortfalls, and he made mistakes, and he did things, did things that he shouldn't have done.

• 4:10Jocko Willink?

  And in the end, he knew he was wrong. And, you know, he hoped for forgiveness.

• 4:17Jocko Willink?

  And you're really the primary person that, that is in the, is in the driver's seat for forgiveness, right? You're the guy. And, and there's a reason that forgiveness, in my opinion, is so important for us as human beings. And you can see it throughout, you know, really throughout recorded history. It's seen in, in, in ancient, you know, eastern traditions like Buddhism. It's seen in, you know, Confucius talked about it, and the Greco-Roman philosophy, Stoicism, obviously a huge part of Christianity. You know, forgiveness is a thing. And that's because it allows you to move on. It allows you to not be caught in the past.

• 5:02Jocko Willink?

  Not that you forget. Again, we remember, we don't dwell. We don't dwell in the past. That's the goal, I should say. The goal is not to dwell in the past, and think about all the bad things. The, the, the goal is remember, you know, you're raising your kid differently. You remember that it was bad what you went through, so you've taken a different path.

• 5:23Jocko Willink?

  But, you know, you're the one that is sitting in the seat of forgiveness here, potentially. And again, forgiveness is not condoning someone in their behavior. It's not excusing someone and their behavior. It's not forgetting someone and their behavior. It's not even, it's not even really reconciliation. Like, you can forgive someone and still not talk to them. You know, I, I think the definition along the lines of accepting reality, that this is what happened, and then releasing the burden of resentment and pain, and moving forward.

• 6:02Jocko Willink?

  I think that's, when I think about forgiveness in a case like this, that's what I think of. Not, not excusing, not condoning, but hey, this is the reality. A human being acting like a human being. Human beings are flawed.

• 6:17Jocko Willink?

  Their, you know, their, their, their egos take over, their animal instincts take over, their emotions take over, and they can't control, they don't control themselves. They can, but they don't. And this is what human beings do.

• 6:37Jocko Willink?

  So it's not approved, it's not condoned, but do you want to dwell in that past forever? Do you want to continually let that, you know, drive your behavior? You know, remember we had Harley Flanagan on the podcast? And, you know, he, his dad was a terrible person, abusive, alcoholic, drug, drug addict. I, I'm pretty sure he died in a dumpster fire. He was in a dumpster trying to stay warm at night, lit a fire in there, and like died in there, or OD'd in there, something along those lines. But I mean, just terrible. And, you know, Harley was on the podcast, he was kind of telling that story, he was getting pretty emotional. And he said, you know, "I forgive you, Dad."

• 7:18Jocko Willink?

  And I think that that, I think that that attitude is helpful.

• 7:27Jocko Willink?

  Knowing that people are flawed, knowing that your dad didn't know how to be a dad. And he, like I said, he had whatever anger and ego and jealousy and insecurity and emotions, like all humans do, and he failed to control it. And you, you suffered the consequences. But the thing is, you, thankfully, you were able to break that cycle.

• 7:47Jocko Willink?

  You're a, a better person. And this is even more evident

• 7:56Jocko Willink?

  if you can just forgive him and move on. If you can just forgive him and move on.

• 8:03Jocko Willink?

  So I guess the question is, how can I prepare for the funeral, process these conflicting emotions, and move forward without losing the peace? I think at the funeral, you stay high level, you stay detached.

• 8:17Jocko Willink?

  You know, these other people that are praising him, because he, you know, acted differently in front of them. Best of luck to them. They can carry on their, with their lives. Be polite, be professional. Do your part in the funeral, right?

• 8:34Jocko Willink?

  And then I think what you do is, you get back to living your awesome, happy life that you've built with your family, which is amazing, and you have done a great job. So that's where I'm at, man. Sorry you had to go through this, but damn, it is impressive to hear how you've, how you've turned out, and, and the way you've built your life. Don't, don't get dragged into the, into the past, man. Don't, don't do it. Don't get dragged down.

• 9:09Jocko Willink?

  Those, uh, there's always opportunities to go backwards. There's always, there's always opportunities to go backwards, to, to fall down.

• 9:20Jocko Willink?

  It's easy to fall down. It's easy to go down. That, all those human emotions that you have. So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground Podcast. So if you want to continue to listen, go to jacundergrow.com and subscribe. And we're doing this, we're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms, so we are not subject to their control. And we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko Podcast, which will remain as is, free for all, as long as we can keep it that way. But we, but we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors.

• 10:04Jocko Willink?

  And we're doing it so we can give you more control, more interaction, more direct connections, better communications with us. And to do that, we are, we're building a website right now, where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So thank you. It's jacundergrow.com. It costs $8.18 a month. And if you can't afford to support us, we can still support you. Just email [email protected], and we'll get you taken care of. Until then, we will see you mobilized underground.