Jocko Underground: My Best Man Insulted Me and My Wife. Should I Forgive Him?

>Join Jocko Underground< https://www.jockounderground.com/subscribe My best man insulted me and my wife. Should I forgive him? What to do when your leader has checked out. Valuable tips to become move vocal when you take action and lead. What's the best direction to go in life when you move out on your own. Getting over the loss of a dog (or pet) can be harder than you think. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/jocko-podcast/exclusive-content

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jocko Willink?

  This is the Jocko Underground Podcast, number 190, sitting here with Echo Charles. We have some questions from you that we will do our best to provide guidance, courses of actions, possibly, in some cases, actual answers to.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Actual answers.

• 0:13Jocko Willink?

  Let's get to it.

• 0:14Speaker 01

  All right, first question, kind of a scenario here, friendship scenario. All right. Hello, Jocko. Six months ago, I got married and my best man and I have not spoken since. After the wedding was finished, he started an argument with my new wife about how a bridesmaid's partner was invited. The bride, the bridesmaid is his ex. However, we asked him beforehand.

• 0:41Jocko Willink?

  What's a bridesmaid's partner?

• 0:42Speaker 01

  So a partner, meaning like boyfriend, boyfriend, girlfriend, you know? So, you know, we got the bridesmaid.

• 0:48Jocko Willink?

  Mm hmm.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Who used to be dating this dude who is the groom's best friend.

• 0:53Jocko Willink?

  Okay, cool.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  See what I'm saying? So basically, this couple, one is the bridesmaid, one is the groom's best friend.

• 0:59Jocko Willink?

  Okay.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  And then they broke up. Boom, wedding goes down. See what I'm saying? And that's the scenario he's talking about.

• 1:06Jocko Willink?

  Check.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  So after the wedding was finished, he started an argument with my new wife about his, about how a bridesmaid's partner was invited. The bridesmaid is his ex.

• 1:16Jocko Willink?

  Did you hear my heavy sigh I just did?

• 1:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18Jocko Willink?

  I did a heavy sigh.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:19Jocko Willink?

  And that is part of my answer.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:21Jocko Willink?

  But just noted.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Okay. However, we asked him beforehand if he was comfortable with this and he said he was.

• 1:29Jocko Willink?

  His new partner. Too heavy sighs.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  His new partner was also invited. So his new girlfriend was also invited, but couldn't make it. He apologized to my wife the next day through texts, but then after the apology, argued that it wasn't confirmed about the bridesmaid's partner attending. I didn't make contact with him after all this and waited for him to reach out. He didn't until a couple, until a couple of weeks ago. This was all six months ago, by the way, so a couple of weeks ago. A mutual friend's birthday and my birthday came up. I agreed to go as my best man, who I haven't spoken to, wasn't going. Then he contacted this mutual friend that he wanted to go. And I said, I would not attend because it would be awkward. Long story short.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  The mutual friend told my best friend not to attend. Then a couple of days later, he texts me, he said, sorry about everything and he just wanted to wish me a happy birthday. This was two days after my actual birthday.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  The text just seemed very hollow and had he reached out at any other point previously, I would have happily accepted it. Have, I would happily have repaired the relationship, but to me, he just seemed selfish and I didn't respond. Am I in the wrong? Or is this justified? I feel he doesn't value me as a friend due to all this happening and I don't think I'm interested in reconciliation. Any input or words of wisdom would be much appreciated. P S. I've been training the jujitsu.

• 3:01Jocko Willink?

  Oh, yeah, there we go.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Thanks to you.

• 3:04Jocko Willink?

  Okay. Input and words of wisdom. Keep training jujitsu. I would definitely focus more on jujitsu. You've been at it for two years. You know, two years is a critical time. You gotta talk about that, right? Cause at the two year mark, you know, you're starting to get good. Maybe you already got your blue belt, right? And, but you're, maybe you're thinking like, man, I think I kind of deserve my purple belt. You probably don't after two years, but you know, you're feeling good. You're, you're catching pretty much all the blue belts. You know what I'm saying? But there's probably one or two purple belts you're getting a couple of times. Probably one of you can kind of dominate. But then there's the other ones that are more challenging for you and you're kind of, but you know, what we're going to tell you or say, don't, don't focus on the belts. Just focus on the process, keep training, right? So that's, that's what I would do in this situation.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  I understand what you mean.

• 3:52Jocko Willink?

  You know what I'm saying? Cause listen, two years is a, it's a good amount of time.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  Good amount of time.

• 3:58Jocko Willink?

  But there are a lot of people that quit after they get their blue belt. It's a big step.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true.

• 4:02Jocko Willink?

  But if you are still training, you got your blue belt. Let's say you get your blue belt in a year. Is that reasonable?

• 4:08Speaker 01

  One year is reasonable if you're competing and, and training hard, that's reasonable to. Yeah, yeah, it's real, realistic, we'll say.

• 4:14Jocko Willink?

  So it's realistic. You, we're assuming that you got your blue belt in a year. Cause you're training and you're training, we're assuming hard. But even if you're not, you're probably six months away. Even if you were like training three times a week, you're probably going to get your blue belt. In a year, year and a half, year and a half, year and a half. So you're there. We hope you're a blue belt right now. And as a blue belt, like I said, it's pretty easy to get focused on other things, distracted. Sometimes there can be drama, like even in jujitsu, there can be drama, but we don't do drama. It's not part of our jam. So there might be someone in your academy.

• 4:44Jocko Willink?

  That's like, doesn't, you think they're avoiding rolling with you, or when they roll with you, they spaz out, and you can get caught up in that, or you can be like, oh, that person doesn't want to roll, cool, I won't roll them, it's no big deal, so I'm not worried about it.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 4:54Jocko Willink?

  Or there might be someone that's like a brown belt that kind of beats you up sometimes, and you think taking it personally, and you're like, I don't think I want to roll with them. Okay, well, you know, don't roll them, if that's concerning you a lot.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  So are you saying that the most significant part of this question is that last jujitsu part?

• 5:13Jocko Willink?

  Well, I mean, he's been training jujitsu for two years, so I think this is, this is the kind of thing that, you know, when you look at your world, because he didn't really talk about what he does for work, so we're not going to apply to work, right? We can't, he doesn't have any leadership, there's no leadership questions in here about interacting with his boss, his peers, his subordinates, you know, there's no financial drama that's going on, so really, this is a question about jujitsu, the way I read it.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  The way you read it, okay.

• 5:37Jocko Willink?

  The way I read it is, I see as a jujitsu question, so he's been training jujitsu for two years, and we're just giving some, he wanted advice, words of wisdom, so my advice and words of wisdom are, of course, keep training, train with people that are a little bit better than you, I think this is something that I could have done better with my whole jujitsu career.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 5:55Jocko Willink?

  Is, train with people that are better than you, that's what I always did, but also, train with people that are equal to you, and train even with people that are worse than you, as much as that kind of, you feel like it's not as rewarding.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Right, right, no, you're avoiding the iron sharpens iron philosophy with that one.

• 6:13Jocko Willink?

  But you gotta, you gotta train, so you work on your defense with the good people, you work on your, both offense and defense with someone that's equivalent with you, and you work on your offense with someone that's not as good as you, and that's how you're developing all aspects of your game.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 6:26Jocko Willink?

  So, that's what we're doing.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  You know.

• 6:28Jocko Willink?

  Yeah.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  He did mention reconciling a friendship that was half, according to him, half-attempted.

• 6:38Jocko Willink?

  Hey, man.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  You know.

• 6:40Jocko Willink?

  Yeah, so that sounds like it's a lot of drama wrapped up in this stuff, we got parties and birthday parties and bridesmaids and stuff like this, this is not my area of expertise, you know, because if there's someone that is like inviting me to a party, if I want to go, do I go, if I don't want to go, I don't go. If the person that's supposed to be there doesn't want to go because I'm there, then they don't want me to go then, then I won't go, I don't really care, what's going to happen at a birthday party? We're gonna have a piece of cake. We're gonna have a a Molk. We have a Molk cookie. I got more cookies at home and Molk, by the way, and I won't be bothering anybody.

• 7:21Jocko Willink?

  So, it sounds like maybe, it sounds like the best man might be a lot of drama. Right? And you're allowing yourself to be wrapped up in this kind of drama. Don't do it. I in this situation, I would just kind of ease away from the best, the best man type guy. Like I, I don't make a big deal out of it. You know what I mean? When you, when you make a big deal out of something, like if you call him up to head and appreciate the way you blah blah and now like spat's going on, he's gonna be talking behind your back and all that stuff. Instead, you just go, oh, cool.

• 7:56Jocko Willink?

  Uh, um, oh, you said happy birthday to me two days. Hey, man, appreciate it. That's it, man. Not, you know, you're two days. No, no, no, no. We're, we're, we're, we're extinguishing. We're, we're letting, we're taking the oxygen away from this drama. We're not gonna feed the drama. We're just gonna let the drama like consume itself over there by its own. And we're gonna be over here thinking about jujitsu and you got married. So, bro, you got married, you're married. Like, why are you concerned about this? You got a wife, you got kids on the way. Most likely it's six months. You got probably a few more months to your first kids coming, right? I mean, again, assumption, but we're, we're active in the game. So, so that's what I would do. Like,

• 8:41Jocko Willink?

  it sounds like the guy's kind of naturally drifting away from you and I would just let it naturally drift away. I wouldn't cause any more drama. I wouldn't add any fuel to the fire. I would be polite and I would carry on and I would let, let it run its course. Cause it's courses headed that you two are, are, are gonna be a little bit more distant and that's fine. Because it sounds like he's got a lot of drama and emotion and stuff like that. You don't want to be wrapped up in that, right? Even thinking about the text seeming hollow, like, okay, it's a text, bro, you know? We can't get wrapped up around stuff like this. You're a married dude with, you know, a wife. You got important things, jobs, jujitsu. We're not thinking about this kind of stuff.

• 9:24Jocko Willink?

  Am I in the wrong or is this justified? It's you're in the wrong for thinking about this kind of thing. Kind of, you know what I mean? And I get it, dude. You're kind of, you know, you know, the guy was your best man. So clearly he had some level of a. Connection to you, you guys went through, you guys both were on the wrestling team or whatever together and now you've grown up a little bit or you know, but it's gonna drift apart. This is the way it is. No factor. I wouldn't worry about it. I wouldn't worry about it, man. He doesn't value me as a friend, bro.

• 9:58Jocko Willink?

  If that's what's going on, cool. You know, hey, man, no factor. That's the, that's the way people are. It's the kind of the way of the, the way of the world. Sometimes people just don't value. It's no big deal. Just don't hold it against them. That's he's, you know, he's got his own thing going on. He's got his ego. He's got his personality. He doesn't recognize how good of a friend you are. Of course not. That's the way people are. No big deal. Don't hold it against him. That's fine.

• 10:22Jocko Willink?

  That's what I got, man.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Makes sense. Makes sense that you'd say that.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Uh, overall, I, the only reason that I might feel a little bit different, a little bit more, uh, how should I say involved, not involved, but you know,

• 10:38Jocko Willink?

  Hey, this is probably the good place for Echo Charles to chime in with relationship, male on male relationship connections. Go ahead.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Well, I thought, cause well, now I will say, I don't know the whole like relationship, whatever, but we do know that this guy was the best man. So it's obviously something. It's not nothing. It's not like just some dude that, you know, whatever. And also in the spirit of extreme ownership, something I had learned a few years ago, by the way.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  If he did say sorry, he texts, he reached out and said, sorry about everything.

• 11:11Jocko Willink?

  Be cool. Then we're good.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Bruh, forgiven. You're sorry. Call him up. Be like, brah, forgiven. What up? Where are we at? What's been going on? Kind of a thing. He said, sorry. Take it for what it is, you know? The whole, um, and I'm saying if it's, is, which it is, I mean, all these feelings to me are justified. Look, is a behavior justified? No, not necessarily, but he said, sorry for that. See what I'm saying? Like, brah, if you, if someone feels, like the main thing that's gonna make a person feel uncomfortable is gonna be another person. That's like the number one thing on the list. Like what else can make, I mean, what? Maybe like a wild animal or something like this. But I'm just saying in everyday life, like, so for someone to feel uncomfortable that their ex is there or, you know, that, but that makes sense to have those feelings. Like I said, it doesn't justify behavior, but he said, sorry for that. See what I'm saying? So you gotta start letting stuff slide. Now this is just my opinion.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  But. I believe that it makes sense. Someone wishes you happy birthday and it's two days late and you're salty about it being two days late. I think that's your problem, bro. You know, it's not.

• 12:13Jocko Willink?

  Bro, even if you expect anyone to say happy birthday to you.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Exactly right. Like, bro, it's, it is not.

• 12:19Jocko Willink?

  I haven't said happy birthday to you. I mean, like, I'll be on the echelon front, uh, group text group. And like 14 people will say, happy birthday, Dave Burke, you know? And at the end, I'll be like, whatever. Ha ha. You know? There was no way I would, there was no way I would inherently by myself text Dave Burke or you or anyone. Hey, Echo, happy birthday, bro. Hope you have a great day.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  You do it. See how you laugh right there? You do it as a joke. You'd be like, happy birthday. And then like an hour later be like, I hope you die today or something like, you see what I'm saying? That's a non-factor. It is, I think, and I agree with that. Not everyone does, and I get it, but I agree. Like after about maybe, I don't know, 10, 11 years, 10 years old, really, your 11th birthday is a non-factor for the rest of your life.

• 13:09Jocko Willink?

  Yeah, well, 16 is good. You get your driver's license.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  If you're a girl, if you're a girl, yeah, sure. But if you're not a girl, sorry, bro. It's, yeah, it's a cool day, but I'm saying.

• 13:19Jocko Willink?

  No, I'm saying it's a big deal. When you turn 16 and you get your driver's license, that's a big deal.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not talking about that.

• 13:24Jocko Willink?

  You don't celebrate it. It's not like you're gonna like.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  You're correct. Yeah, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about somebody wishing you happy birthday, which is exactly what this is.

• 13:31Jocko Willink?

  When you turn 18, you can finally join the military without your parents' consent.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, man, you can vote the whole deal, bro. Yeah, but if you're salty because someone missed the day by two days or 48 hours or whatever. No, no, no. This text should have came 48 hours ago.

• 13:44Jocko Willink?

  Oh.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  Therefore, this text is null and void. And actually, it's an offense to my sensibilities.

• 13:50Jocko Willink?

  That's a pretty good, uh, like, like, uh, what do they call that? A mental drill to go through is like, if I were to express my feelings to this individual about what they did, how would they sound? But the problem with that is sometimes, sometimes people would think they would sound good, you know, well, it was 48 hours, you know, that's 48 hours worth of my suffering.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:09Jocko Willink?

  That I didn't know that you wanted me to have a happy birthday today.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Exactly right. What, what, what kind of world do we?

• 14:13Jocko Willink?

  You know, what Jocko says, you can't, you can't get a workout back. How am I supposed to have a good day when it already got blessed, bro? I heard you tried to bless me with a happy birthday, but it was already two days ago. That's gone. I can't ever get that day back.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Exactly right.

• 14:24Jocko Willink?

  The happy birthday from, from you is not happening.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  Not happening. It's hollow. It's hollow, quote unquote. What kind of world do we live in where people are just wishing happy birthdays to me on days that ain't my birthday?

• 14:33Jocko Willink?

  Happy birthday, Jocko. Happy birthday.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Exactly right. See what I'm saying? It's nothing means absolutely nothing.

• 14:37Jocko Willink?

  When is your birthday?

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Fucking doesn't matter. This year sometime.

• 14:41Jocko Willink?

  Yeah. Well, happy birthday, bro.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Don't worry.

• 14:42Jocko Willink?

  Happy birthday.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. Nonetheless.

• 14:45Jocko Willink?

  I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  And I mean, it's a fun exercise. I get it, but it's actually true. I think. Anyway, like if you're like for real saying, hey, it was hollow because it wasn't on my real birthday and all this stuff, unless you suspect that he did it on purpose, which I mean, I don't, there's no indication to that, I don't think. But that is a non-factor. And it's kind of like a bad move to start doing that, you know, like assigning like malice to like freaking some tardiness or whatever. So I think there's no factor. I think he says, he said, sorry, if that's your friend, obviously he was best man scenario. He said, sorry. And then you're saying, no, not good enough. Under what circumstances? Why is that not good enough?

• 15:22Jocko Willink?

  Yeah. I would just say this, and again, you know, like if we have, we're talking about this kind of thing, then you're not my best man and I don't want you to be my best man. And I wouldn't be your best man if you were telling me this kind of stuff, you know what I'm saying? Like there's this a lot, you know, I, I would not talk to people for years. So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground Podcast. So if you want to continue to listen.

• 15:52Jocko Willink?

  Go to jockounderground.com and subscribe and we're doing this, we're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms. So we are not subject to their control and we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko Podcast, which will remain as is free for all, as long as we can keep it that way. But we, but we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors and we're doing it so we can give you more control, more interaction, more direct connections, better communications with us. And to do that, we are, we're building a website right now where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen

• 16:37Jocko Willink?

  this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So, thank you. It's jockounderground.com. It costs $8.18 a month. And if you can't afford to support us, we can still support you. Just email [email protected] and we'll get you taken care of. Until then, we will see you mobilized underground.