Use This HOLIDAY Survival Guide to Make This Holiday Season the Best EVER! | Fan Fav

There’s no doubt that the holidays can be an extremely stressful time for many people. Whether you’re dealing with loneliness and depression, family trauma, politically opinionated cousins, or staying disciplined with what you eat, there are a lot of landmines hidden among the holiday cheer. The good news is there are also highly effective tools and tricks that can help you navigate all of the potential difficulties that can crop up this time of year. By framing things in the right way, setting expectations for yourself and those around you, and looking for ways to find and deepen human connection, you can turn a potentially stressful time into one of the most beautiful times of the year. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 | Introduction 00:47 | Dealing with Loneliness 10:24 | Maintaining Discipline at Holiday Meals 18:40 | Navigate Emotional Storms in the Family 32:25 | Working Through the Holidays? 37:06 | Faking It With Family 44:10 | Fill Your Heart With Love Check out our sponsors: Indeed: Get a FREE $75 CREDIT to upgrade your job post at indeed.com/IMPACT Pique: Go to piquetea.com/impact and use code IMPACT at checkout to get 5% off sitewide + FREE SHIPPING when you purchase a pu’er bundle! Backcountry: Go to Backcountry.com/theory and enter promo code THEORY to get 15% OFF your first full-priced purchase. Blinkist: Go to ⁠https://blinkist.com/impact⁠ Try it FREE for 7 days and save 25% off your new subscription. InsideTracker: Get 25% off their entire store at insidetracker.com/impacttheory Are You Ready for EXTRA Impact? If you’re ready to find true fulfillment, strengthen your focus, and ignite your true potential, the Impact Theory subscription was created just for you. Want to transform your health, sharpen your mindset, improve your relationship, or conquer the business world? This is your epicenter of greatness. This is not for the faint of heart. This is for those who dare to learn obsessively, every day, day after day. Subscription Benefits: Unlock the gates to a treasure trove of wisdom from inspiring guests like Andrew Huberman, Mel Robbins, Hal Elrod, Matthew McConaughey, and many, many, moreNew episodes delivered ad-freeExclusive access to Tom’s AMAs, keynote speeches, and suggestions from his personal reading listYou’ll also get access to an 5 additional podcasts with hundreds of archived Impact Theory episodes, meticulously curated into themed playlists covering health, mindset, business, relationships, and more:⁠Legendary Mindset⁠: Mindset & Self-Improvement⁠Money Mindset⁠: Business & Finance⁠Relationship Theory:⁠ Relationships⁠Health Theory⁠: Mental & Physical Health⁠Power Ups:⁠ Weekly Doses of Short Motivational Quotes Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://apple.co/3PCvJaz⁠ Subscribe on all other platforms (Google Podcasts, Spotify, Castro, Downcast, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Podcast Republic, Podkicker, and more) : ⁠https://impacttheorynetwork.supercast.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices https://megaphone.fm/adchoices See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Bilyeu?

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• 0:45Tom Bilyeu?

  Their dashboard tracks what comes next based on what your business actually needs. So EIN number, registered agent, licenses and permits, bookkeeping, business banking. I tell every founder the same thing. Just make it official. Click the link in the show notes to check out Taylor Brands and get started on your business today. This is a paid advertisement. Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Impact Theory. Today is a very special one. We're going to be talking about one of my favorite topics, which is how to survive the holidays.

• 1:21Tom Bilyeu?

  Now, I know that the holidays can be a very stressful time for people, but I've got a lot of tools and tricks that I think will be very advantageous to you as you navigate this difficult time, which can also be amazing, but you have to frame things in a way that are going to allow you to see that side of it. And that's one of the things that we're going to be talking about today. And my hope is that by the end of this video, you will have the things that you need for this to be one of the most beautiful times of the year. So that's going to be the goal. All right, without further ado, let's take some questions.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Hey, Tom. I'm Leigh, and this is Becker over here snoring. We're in Houston, Texas, and I have a question for you. I would love your thoughts, your suggestions around the holidays and loneliness and anxiety and depression and sadness, everything that's just ick that goes along with that. I am a single mom. I'm an empty nester, and I don't have a lot of family. Most of my family is deceased.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  So this year feels harder and it feels heavier. That being said, anything that you can suggest that would help me avoid ending up in the fetal position the entire holiday season, so I could truly focus on what matters most in life. Thanks, Tom.

• 2:45Tom Bilyeu?

  Man, I wish we were together because I really want to know what matters most in life to you. So here's, here's what I would do without knowing what that answer is because certainly if what matters most is family, then we want to map out how and when are we going to be able to spend time with a family that we do have. So whether that's your kids and traveling to them or having them travel to you and figuring out how many days there are going to be of that. But really mapping this stuff out. Now, let's take a really hard approach to this. Let's make it like the just absolute dire straits issue. Let's say that every single friend that you have and every single family member that you have is unavailable and you're not going to be able to see them. All right, we're going

• 3:29Tom Bilyeu?

  to want to do a couple of things with our time to make sure that we're getting more energy than we're losing, that we're doing things that are fun, we're doing things that fill us up. So some of that is going to be just what are the things that excite you, right? So for me, for instance, I have no problem watching movies by myself. So putting out a slate, this is, this is what I would do. I, so one thing my wife has taught me is you can take an average Tuesday and make it special by doing certain things. So for instance, when COVID first kicked off and we thought it was just going to be a couple weeks, uh, we completely changed up our routine. And so normally Monday through Friday, if I'm awake, I'm either working or working out. To make COVID special, we invited my sister

• 4:14Tom Bilyeu?

  over to my house. We played video games starting at five o'clock. We were watching anime. It was really, really fun. And just by breaking out of our routine and doing something that was more enjoyable. It completely changed the dynamic. So if you're not able to hang out with people, but there are things that you like doing and you can break yourself out of your normal routine. For instance, I would, if I were going to be alone, I would schedule out different Christmas movies that I wanted to watch. And I would schedule them out in a way where I couldn't change them. Because then what ends up happening is you're like, oh, man, I can't wait till Tuesday or whatever. When I get to watch this movie that I'm saving for myself for that day. So there's something about how and and I would leave some wiggle room.

• 4:58Tom Bilyeu?

  So I would, let's say I had two things planned that I was gonna watch. One is scheduled, one is not. Then I would also, you have to find the things that make you happy. So I'm gonna give you the things that make me happy, that I enjoy doing when I'm alone. And you slot in whatever those things are that you like. And then we're gonna get to the grand finale, which is the real thing that all of this is building up towards, which is like the guarantee thing that's gonna work. So bear with me. If these easy ones, you're like, nope, I'm still gonna be sad. I'm still gonna be lonely. None of these things are going to help. Trust me, I've got an ace up my sleeve. We're gonna get to it. Okay, so I would build out all the things that I like doing. So for me, it's gonna be a Christmas movie every day. I love that the most. It's gonna be time playing video games. It's gonna be time reading.

• 5:42Tom Bilyeu?

  And then if you can't be physically with the people that you wanna see. And let's just, I'm going to assume for now that you have a good relationship with a few people, whether they're friends or family. And I would schedule out, when they can, a Zoom call. It makes a huge difference being able to see them. And if I really felt like it, I might try to reconnect. If none of my current group is available, I might try to reconnect with a few people. I'm gonna obviously leave alone big days like Christmas Eve or Christmas or New Year's. It's like, you, you know, you pick the random days in that period and you make a game of it. Like, how many people can I reconnect with? How much joy can I send out? Okay, and this is now starting to get into the, the secret ace of my sleeve,

• 6:25Tom Bilyeu?

  which is if you stop thinking about, how can I get people to pour into me? And you start asking, how can I pour into other people? Then you could be doing things like going on a Discord group and finding, seeing people that you can connect with there. You could go and this, this is like, this is the ace of aces right here. Go find an organization, a charity organization, that will connect you with people or animals. I see that you have a dog. And doing something there where you can pour into people that really need it. Like handing out toys to kids in need, going into a shelter for homeless,

• 7:06Tom Bilyeu?

  going in to a hospital and talking to people there. Old folks homes, oh my God, the number of people there that truly have nobody left in their life. Human connection is such a beautiful thing. And when you are serving other people, man, it it seems like it would drain you. But in reality, when you know that you're doing something for other people, you feel this deep sense of meaning and purpose. And so doing that around the holidays, I think, could be a huge, huge, huge win. That there are other people, I promise, that have it way worse than you, that don't have any friends, don't have any family left, don't have any pets, don't have any animals, don't have their own freedom, right? They're now living in

• 7:50Tom Bilyeu?

  in an old folks home in this example, or hospice. I mean, there are a thousand ways that you could go and serve other people in a way that will bring you, I think, a tremendous amount of joy. Now, it's also okay to mourn the loss of an old life, like when you had the kids and they were young. So things like that, it's okay to spend some time with that. But you want to be very careful not to allow yourself to spend more than 20% of your time there. That means you're gonna have to pattern interrupt, okay? So as you find yourself looping on the negative stuff, you have to interrupt it. You have to stop it. You can't allow yourself to think about those things. And I mean that literally.

• 8:33Tom Bilyeu?

  What what's gonna end up happening, I can promise you, is you're gonna start on that loop. And if you let yourself loop, then the negativity, then the depression, then the anxiety, it's just gonna keep coming and coming and coming. You have to pattern interrupt that stuff. You have to then fill that with something else. So it can be sitting down and doing a gratitude journal. It can be doing arts and crafts. It can be doing a puzzle. It can be whatever it is that ends up filling your cup. But you have to stop yourself from thinking those thoughts. Look, as somebody who dealt with crippling anxiety, I know this seems like I'm giving you some BS, oh, that's far too simplistic answer. But I'm telling you, I got to the point. And it was actually at Christmas.

• 9:18Tom Bilyeu?

  I got to the point at Christmas where I was with my family. So there's five of us in a living room in one of the rooms I feel safest in all of the world. And I could not tell them a story about something that happened to me at work. I think, I don't remember what it was. But Lisa was like, oh, you gotta tell them the story. You gotta tell them the story. You gotta tell them. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because I was so anxious to talk in front of people. Think about that. The same guy that you know that now exists in front of a fucking camera, who can go and speak in front of thousands of people. I could not tell a story

• 9:52Tom Bilyeu?

  to my family in the living room. And there was only five of us. So I finally had to realize one of the many things that I had to do to begin to defeat my anxiety was pattern interrupt, to not allow myself to rehearse that going wrong. So weird. So, pattern interrupt. Get yourself doing the things that bring you joy. And you have to find those things. You have to go out of your way and you have to let go of the unfairness of the way that your family dynamic has changed. And I'm sure there's a lot of hurt around, you know, where we are and how we've ended up here and whether it's just losing people, which is fucking brutal.

• 10:35Tom Bilyeu?

  And my heart is absolutely with you. But we have to let go of that notion of it being unfair so that we can find the joyful things and spend time focusing on the things that we're grateful for. And while that sounds silly and oversimplistic, it really does work. And then don't forget the ace up your sleeve is to go and connect with other people who need it more than you. There's something extraordinary about being a social creature where that is a game changer. So find ways, multiple ways, to go and add value to other people's lives. I promise you, it will light you up.

• 11:14Tom Bilyeu?

  And that's how I deal with it.

• 11:17Tom Bilyeu?

  All right, next up.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  Hi, Tom. Jeff in Lubbock, Texas. Every year around the holidays, I find it super challenging to be with friends and family at all the various.

• 11:28Tom Bilyeu?

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• 12:13Tom Bilyeu?

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• 13:38Tom Bilyeu?

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• 13:49Speaker 02

  Parties and gatherings with all the cookies and cakes and alcoholic beverages and not let everything go. Last year, I lost a whole bunch of weight. This year, I want to try to keep some of it off. Do you have any strategies for maintaining some discipline during the holiday season? Thanks.

• 14:10Tom Bilyeu?

  I do. Alright, so I have exactly one strategy for maintaining the rules in my life, and that is bright lines. Now, full disclosure, because I am so disciplined in my life during the Christmas period, I completely let myself go ham. And the only thing that I steer by is physical suffering. So there's only so much junk food that I can eat before I begin to feel sick, or get stomach cramps, or my joints hurt. So that keeps me in check to some degree. But I don't want to give advice like I'm moralizing. I just want to, because all bets are off for me at Christmas. But I do want to give you the strategies that

• 14:51Tom Bilyeu?

  I would use, or I should say, I'm going to give you the strategies that I use year-round that you can deploy at Christmas that will work guaranteed. It's just a question of whether you want the outcome badly enough to stick with it. So, it is very easy not to have any alcohol. It is harder to have one alcoholic drink, because, first of all, once you have one alcoholic drink, it lowers your inhibitions, which makes you more likely to have another one. So you are literally, chemically, more likely to make a decision to have another drink when you have one. So, not having any alcohol, easy. Having only one, hard. Not having any cookies, easy. Having only one, hard. So, I go in with bright lines. Now,

• 15:35Tom Bilyeu?

  for me, and this is where you have to translate for you, I'm so like...

• 15:42Tom Bilyeu?

  Fetishistic, if I'm honest, about bright lines and being able to, when I say I'm going to do something, I do it, that I could go in and say, "Cool, my bright line is that I can have 25% of one small cookie," or whatever, so that I don't go looking for the biggest cookie I can find and have 25% of that. I could do that. Now, I probably wouldn't, if I'm honest. I'm either going to have fun, let loose, and have as much as I want, or I'm gonna go in with bright lines. But bright lines will work, no matter what it is, as long as you want the outcome enough to essentially torment yourself. Now, this is advanced class shit, so I'm saying what I would do is just abstain.

• 16:25Tom Bilyeu?

  And so I would set, let's say, if the Christmas period is two weeks, what I would do is pick a number of times, and let's just make it a number of meals, to keep it easy. We're gonna pick a number of meals that we're going to let ourselves have fun, and then the rest of the time, we're gonna have just a binary, "We're not going to do it." So, we walk in, and let's say, over the two-week period, I'm going to let myself go crazy four times. Okay, amazing. So, twice a week, for each of the weeks. Now, pick the days. Maybe it's gonna be New Year's Eve, maybe it's Christmas Day, maybe it's Christmas Day and Christmas Eve, maybe it's the first day of the holiday.

• 17:07Tom Bilyeu?

  So, you've got the first day of the holiday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year's Eve. That's almost certainly what I would do. So, but you're gonna pick some number of days, and then you're gonna go, "Cool, on those days, I'm gonna have one meal where I get to go as crazy as I want." So, to celebrate the beginning of the holiday season, I'm gonna go bananas on my dinner, or your lunch, whatever is more fun for you. And you're gonna go hog wild on that meal, and eat until your little heart is content. Now, when you do that, you're gonna get to the point where you're full, it's not fun to eat anymore, and then, cool, the rest of your meals, you're going to eat normal food, no cheat foods, whatever. You're gonna need to get very clear about what is and is not a cheat food, but you line that out, now we've got bright lines.

• 17:52Tom Bilyeu?

  Now, the next day, man, that was fun. We really enjoyed yesterday. Can we have more this day? There are two options. Either no, you cannot, or cool. If I want to move one of my four days forward, I can do that. But personally, I would see that as a bad sign. I would see that as more addictive behavior and you're not following your map. So were it me, I would establish my four days ahead of time and I would stick to them no matter what. Now, that's because there are things that I want. Longevity, I don't want the joint pain. I want to live as long as possible. I want to look good naked, right? Those things matter to me. So because they matter to me, I set my bright lines and I stick to them.

• 18:34Tom Bilyeu?

  And I want the outcome badly enough that I just don't deviate. Now, bright lines is like my absolute linchpin strategy. There are also other things that you could do. For instance, one thing that I do right now, in fact, I'm wearing a continuous glucose monitor. All right, now, part of the reason that I do that is I just find it incredibly fun to see what foods have what kind of glucose reaction. And then the reality is at Christmas or the holidays, the eating patterns, there are really two things you have to worry about. The amount of sugar you're intaking and the number of calories. While a continuous glucose monitor is not going to help you with your calorie count,

• 19:15Tom Bilyeu?

  it is absolutely going to help you with your glucose intake, your sugar intake. And so having one of those, and you can even set your phone to like go off to have an alarm when you get outside of your glucose range. So let me tell you real quickly on the four days that you're allowing yourself some cheat food, if that's the number that you set for yourself, you'll know like, yo, my blood sugar is 200, 250, whatever. Uh, that would be a real good sign to pump the brakes. So you could even say, cool, I'm only going to cheat four days. And I'm only going to allow myself to be, uh, beyond, uh, 200 blood sugar rains for a total of 60 minutes. Word. So now we have our bright lines.

• 20:00Tom Bilyeu?

  We have things that we can do that are going to keep us honest. And when you have a continuous glucose monitor, there's a sense of being watched, even though you're the only one that's watching you. There is something about having the record of being able to look in your phone and see, "Yo, I spiked my blood glucose a lot," that has a way of keeping you honest. Okay, so those are the techniques that I use. But the real secret here is wanting the outcome badly enough. And so this is where you're gonna need to build the desire around keeping that weight off. Now, I find, and studies back up, that keeping the weight off is not a motivating goal. So let's set a goal that is motivating.

• 20:42Tom Bilyeu?

  Like, when I lost 60 pounds, it was all about, "I wanted six-pack abs." Plain and simple. I had an image in my head of what that was going to look like. I used to hang a photo of Hugh Jackman up. I had my wife draw me with six-pack abs before I had six-pack abs. Maybe that's embarrassing, but it's nonetheless true. And so it gave me something that I could fantasize about and I could look forward to. And so when I had the temptation to eat more than my allotted amount, then I could think about that thing that I wanted. And so because I'm somebody who moves toward things, I was very excited to get my abs. So I had my bright lines, and I had this thing that I was really excited about.

• 21:26Tom Bilyeu?

  And so between the two, I was able to lose 60 pounds, get six-pack abs. I've kept the weight off for six, seven years at this point. So that is the technique I would use. That has worked very well for me, but if you don't want it badly enough, you won't even set the bright lines. So focus on the desire for the outcome. All right? That's how to deal with food, let me tell you right now. All right, next.

• 21:55Speaker 03

  Hi, Tom. My name is Chiprian. I'm currently residing in Bucurest in Romania. So for me, holidays are particularly hard because my mother took her own life about six years ago. I have a strained relationship with my father. He drinks. And also, when I go back to the place where I grew up... I get hit with all those memories and the memories of some relatives that passed away in the last years and some of the other older relatives are dealing with various mental health issues or they're depressed or not looking forward to a lot in life.

• 22:35Speaker 03

  So for me, the question is, how do I frame my visit there in a way that it's actually empowering for me? And it gives me more energy than it takes. And it's a positive experience where I get to spend time with those people that I actually care about and I and I and I love. But at the same time, how do I keep my boundaries and make sure that I do the things that I do there because I want to, not because I feel guilty or I feel a sense of nostalgia out of past memories. Thank you.

• 23:12Tom Bilyeu?

  Alright, so first of all, I just want to give you my deepest condolences for the loss of your mother and the other people that you were referencing. Losing somebody to suicide is one of the most gnarly and difficult things that I can imagine. So, yeah, just acknowledging that and acknowledging that it may not be that at this point going back home is going to give you more energy than it takes. And so acknowledging the truth of the situation and recognizing that we're going into something difficult and using the the framing that we're going to need to go through something difficult like that to make sure that we understand what it is that we're trying to get out of it, to be

• 23:54Tom Bilyeu?

  realistic and honest about what the situation is. There might be a lot of unresolved trauma for you. There's clearly if your father drinks, there's unresolved trauma being dealt with there, even if it's just the trauma of addiction, but normally addiction also has some sort of traumatic cue that kicks it off in the first place. So, given the amount of unresolved trauma that we have going on, I think coming into that with your eyes wide open about the fact that you're not going to be able to control other people. You're not necessarily going to be able to influence them or get them to make change. And so the amount of chaos that that may introduce into the system when you go back home.

• 24:34Tom Bilyeu?

  That is going to be something that's difficult and not putting the extra burden on yourself, thinking that you're going to be able to change it, fix it, save people. That just isn't how this works. And so letting yourself off the hook from that perspective is incredibly important. So going into that situation, knowing that, knowing that we're going to have to put a frame of reference around this as a, I don't want to say a hard thing, but it may very well be a hard thing. It may be that that's the right way to look at this. And instead of looking for a frame of reference that's going to make this seem like it's all sunshine and roses, making it a frame of reference around healing you, right? Not other people.

• 25:16Tom Bilyeu?

  Around you finding a path to equanimity even in the middle of a storm, right? So the idea that you have this goal, that you want to be able to set your boundaries, that you want to be able to remain calm and not get emotionally perturbed by the people around you. That may be the goal. So rather than, you know, going and saying, "Oh, I want to have a joyous time with the people that I love", which of course, if there is a path to that, we will take it. But I'm just being realistic. If we're going into a space with an alcoholic, if we're going into a space where there's unresolved trauma, and if any of that stuff is triggered around the holidays, recognizing that the goal is to navigate that well,

• 25:56Tom Bilyeu?

  rather than to say, "Oh, I have this image in my head from the movies about what a family's going to be like", recognizing that that just may not be possible, given the place that everybody else is in their life. Okay? So I just want to state again, we cannot control other people. You cannot make them deal with their mental health. That cannot be your responsibility. And so going and spending time with them, if that's what you want to do, which by the way, I want to put on the table, that there are some environments where not spending time may be the right answer. But I'm going to assume that for now, it's important to you, you want to be there. So going there and doing what I call "just sit",

• 26:41Tom Bilyeu?

  and just be with them. Don't try to change them. Don't let them impact the way that you feel. Just be with them, love them, have compassion. And that oftentimes is the way to...

• 26:54Tom Bilyeu?

  Deal with a difficult situation. So often, one of the questions I get asked is, you know, I'm working on myself, I have a growth mindset, I'm making improvements in my life, and there are other people in my family that aren't. They're not in that same situation. They're not going through the same things that I'm going through. And so what can I do to help them change? And the answer is you can't. You can't want it for them. You can't do the work for them. Ultimately, they have to get to the point where they're going to do that for themselves. And so that, I think, is what this is going to be about for you, is going in and saying, okay, I'm going to practice setting my boundaries. I'm not going to try to change anybody. I'm not going to try to save them. I'm not going to try to stop whatever storm it is that they may bring.

• 27:38Tom Bilyeu?

  What I'm going to do is make sure that I navigate it well, that I find my path through this without letting their emotions become my emotions, not being codependent with them so that as their emotions shift, your emotions shift, that becomes the reason for going into this and for dealing with that. In addition to, of course, spending time with people that you love, even when they're going through a difficult situation, is an amazing thing. But we have to be forthright with ourselves as we frame this, as we go in, you know, ready to deal with this, to navigate it well, that there are going to be these emotional storms and that our goal has to be to remain calm, to remain centered, or at least be able to come back to the center relatively quickly. So, things that I would do.

• 28:23Tom Bilyeu?

  One, what are your boundaries? Two, communicate your boundaries. Let people know, because the last thing you want to do is, as things are ratcheting it up and people are getting angry, that that's when you're trying to establish the way that you're going to be in that space. Also know, what am I going to do if things get out of hand? Because the last thing you want to do is blow up in anger and storm out of the room. But if you have boundaries and you know, hey, this is getting to a point that it's not fun anymore, and you know, whether that's a level of drinking, whether that's a certain emotional tenor that gets struck, but making sure that you know what you're comfortable with, what you're not, that you communicate the needs that you have with,

• 29:05Tom Bilyeu?

  and you want to do your best to not make people feel judged, right? This isn't about that. But it's also that people treat you exactly the way you let them treat you. So if you have historically put boundaries and then let people tread around them. Then they're gonna keep doing it. So if you know, hey, I'm, I'm cool with this and I'm not cool with that. And I totally understand this is your guys' holiday too. If that's what you want to do, I fully respect that. And just know that I'll be there until we get to that point. And then I will politely, with all the love in the world, excuse myself. And when you can remain like that, where it's like, cool, we've now crossed the line. Thank you guys so much, you know, wish you the best. I'm gonna leave for the night and maybe you go back the next morning.

• 29:47Tom Bilyeu?

  And when you can come back and not be judgmental, not need to punish them for anything that they've done that, you know, crosses your boundaries. It's just, hey, if you cross my boundaries, I'm gonna remove myself from the situation. I'm not gonna get angry, I'm not gonna freak out, but I am going to remove myself from the situation. And then actually do it. And if you are consistent with that, you will see people immediately begin to redraw the way that they interact with you. And you have to be consistent with that. It's not going to be easy. A lot of these old patterns will die hard. But if you're not making it some big dramatic deal of like, oh my God, you've crossed my boundaries. And I knew that you could never hold to them. And it becomes an emotional thing for you. That's just gonna get an even bigger emotional reaction out of them. So let them know that you love them.

• 30:29Tom Bilyeu?

  Let them know that you're just not willing to be in the environment when they cross whatever that boundary is. Excuse yourself politely and with kindness. Uh, give them the grace to make the mistakes in their own lives. And then when they're, you know, back within the boundaries of what you're willing to accept, then you come back into the space. And again, there's no need to punish them, um, for the past. But clearly articulating what your boundaries are is, I think, going to be the most important thing that you could do this Christmas. Now, there's one more thing, or this holiday season, there's one more thing I want to address, which is you said that you don't want to get nostalgic. Um, I don't know that that's a bad thing. Now, I don't know what that word means to you, but to me nostalgia is like, uh, a longing for the beauty of the past.

• 31:13Tom Bilyeu?

  And as long as you understand that that is a trick that the mind plays, that the past was as complicated as the present, it was as messy and full of bad and good, just like the present is. But that, that is a beautiful lens with which to, um, view the past, as long as we understand that this is a simplification that the mind does, to mythologize the past, to hopefully extract the lessons and lessen some of the emotional pain. That's part of what sleep is about. And this is how PTSD is avoided, is the emotional tenor of memories can be stripped as you sleep.

• 31:51Tom Bilyeu?

  Don't want to sidetrack on that, but being nostalgic and having warm feelings and, you know, having that that bittersweet nature of thinking about your mom and being back in those old scenarios, I think that's part of how we deal with that trauma is you focus on the positive memories. You, instead of only thinking about the negative things, you let some of that nostalgia creep in. You let some of those things be viewed through rose colored glasses. We don't want to lose any lessons that we might glean from it, but finding your way to remembering the things about your mom that made you happy or that were warm instead of looping only around the negative things, I think is a great coping mechanism for reshaping

• 32:31Tom Bilyeu?

  the past into something that allows us to be bright and vibrant in the present. All right. It's incredibly complex thing that we could spend the entire episode on today, but I will leave it there. Thank you so much for sharing, man. I know that takes a lot of vulnerability. I really, really appreciate it and I wish you the best this holiday season.

• 32:53Tom Bilyeu?

  All right, next.

• 32:55Speaker 04

  Hi, Tom. This is Nima sending this video from Vienna, Austria. Thank you for this opportunity. My question is about working hard for an entire year. I know the holidays are approaching. I don't plan on taking a holiday and I have not taken a holiday during Corona. So for the past two years, I know you don't do overwhelm and you don't want to have a burnout. So my question is, how does one effectively work during the holidays, end of the year and for the rest of the new year without suddenly an overwhelm or a burnout creeping up on them? Thank you very much and take care.

• 33:39Tom Bilyeu?

  All right. To be honest, I wouldn't know. I do not work over the holiday period. It is the two week period over the entire year where I just completely shut off. So even when I travel, like if I do a trip with Lisa in the summer. I'm still gonna be working, but over Christmas, let me tell you, I shut off. And one thing I want people to understand about my I don't do overwhelm thing is I want to be very clear about this. I don't do overwhelm, ever. But how do I avoid it? One, I don't just say, oh, I can take on more, I can carry. Okay, that's a lie. I do actually tell myself that I can carry an infinite load. However, I know that that's a lie.

• 34:21Tom Bilyeu?

  Now, it's empowering and it gets me exciting and so it gives me like, let's call it a 15% edge. But the 85% of how I actually deal with overwhelm is by hitting the pause button, taking a deep breath, meditating for 20 minutes, and reminding myself of the following lesson.

• 34:40Tom Bilyeu?

  Doing less is always an option. That's Tom Bilyeu, king of hustle porn, telling you that in your bag of tools needs to be the idea that sometimes chilling, relaxing, just having fun, not thinking about work is the right answer. Now, remember, I work 93 hours a week on average because 93 hours are joyful. The whole punchline of life is to live a joyful life of fulfillment. That's it. So let me tell you, part of living a joyful life for me

• 35:25Tom Bilyeu?

  is hitting the pause button for two weeks in December and spending it with my family and lavishing them with attention, playing games, goofing off, eating junk food, absolutely switching into a totally different gear that I am not in at all the rest of the year. And I love it. And I'm not ashamed of it. I fucking love it. I look forward to it every year. It's super fun. It's a neat gear to be in. Wouldn't want to be in there much longer than You're probably paying two salespeople to do one salesperson's job. That's where today's sponsor, Pipe Drive, comes in. An intelligent AI-powered sales CRM loved By growing sales teams. Pipe Drive just launched meeting intelligence built right into the CRM.

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• 37:23Tom Bilyeu?

  In two weeks, but it's a really fun time and I look forward to it. So my thing is make sure you're living a joyful life. Now, if joyful for you is working, then it becomes how do we deal with overwhelm? Just as a general thing, it's not about holidays. And just know that if you are working hard all the time and you haven't taken a break in two years, which I do not recommend, but if you're having a good time doing it, amazing. And then it comes to on a random Tuesday, you just can't take it anymore, then take the Tuesday off. Doing less is always an option. Just don't be conflicted about what you want out of your life. But remember, having fun, living a joyful life, that is the point unto itself.

• 38:08Tom Bilyeu?

  So don't get yourself into a position where you think you're only valuable if you are working. You should work as much as it's bringing you joy, as much as it's bringing you meaning and purpose. You should not be working just because you think that working is what you should be doing every waking moment. Work is meant to lead you to meaning and purpose. And if it's not, the fuck are we doing? So, that is my advice. If you need time off, take it off. And the strategies for dealing with overwhelm, pattern interrupt, stop and meditate, remind yourself that you're extraordinarily capable, but sometimes chilling is the right answer. That's it. That's it. That's how you deal with it.

• 38:53Tom Bilyeu?

  That's how you do it. Sometimes, people, you just gotta shake that ass and have a little bit of fun. Let us not forget that that is a part of life. Or at least it should be. All right. Who's up next?

• 39:08Speaker 06

  Hey, Tom, how you doing? My name is Raul. I'm from Rockland, California. And around the holidays, I have a hard time with how people who fight and struggle and just hate each other during the year, come together and just pretend like everything's okay. I have a hard time faking like everything is wonderful. What could I do?

• 39:31Tom Bilyeu?

  This is interesting. So, I have, uh, when I was younger, this was way more true. Unfortunately, some of them have passed away. But when I was younger, my family was hilarious. And I once sat across a table, uh, from a cousin? My mom's cousin? I'm not sure what. Uh, and they were almost certainly on opioids. And they were like dozing off at the table. And I remember thinking, like, this is certainly sad. But the reaction that other people had to them was to not want to be around them. And my reaction was exactly the opposite, which was they're,

• 40:15Tom Bilyeu?

  they have a life experience that is so different than mine that I just wanna talk to them. I want to learn more. I want to find out. We weren't talking about their usage. And to be honest, at the time, I didn't know anything about opioids. So, um, I didn't realize sort of the depth of the, the tragedy that that is. But my reaction wasn't to judge them. My reaction was to learn. And if I were in your situation, I wouldn't be fighting myself, right? Because you're saying that people are coming together. They're really angry and they're just pretending. You want to get to the point where you're not pretending either. There's no reason to be mad or upset. It's be curious, ask questions, find out where people are at, where they're going.

• 41:00Tom Bilyeu?

  Don't feel like you need to convince them. Don't feel like you have to agree with their politics. And really, don't feel like you have to convince them of your politics. Just learn, man. What are they about? Like, what's led them to that position? And not like in some big way, just ask them what's going on, how they think about things. And again, you're just trying to learn. You're just really curious. You want to know what they're about. I think it's when people either feel that that person is somehow a reflection on them, or they feel like they have to convince them. I don't have that sense. I don't, I don't believe it would be good if everybody in the world thought like I thought, viewed the world the way that I view it. And people that have what I'll call a suboptimal worldview, meaning that the way that they perceive the world does not move them towards their goals, right? Again, it's not a moral judgment.

• 41:44Tom Bilyeu?

  To me, something is right if it moves you towards your goal, as long as your goal is exciting and honorable, okay? And I'm not going to, especially not at a family function. I'm not going to convince people that their goals are not honorable. That does not strike me as a good use of that time with them. So again, I'm shifting into curiosity mode. I'm trying to learn about them. I want to know what makes them tick. And when you do that, people feel seen, they feel heard, and the warmth that that will create between the two of you is really extraordinary. And I can have a conversation with somebody that I don't agree with. I can have a conversation with somebody that I disagree with vehemently. I can have a conversation with somebody who's angry with me.

• 42:27Tom Bilyeu?

  I can have a conversation with somebody who's angry at other people, and not get sucked into that. And to me, this is like a mixture of just sit, right? If it's somebody that I love and they're going through something hard. One, I don't take that on myself. I'm not trying to change them. I'm not trying to fix them. I'm just trying to be with them and enjoy their company, be naturally curious about what they're doing, what they're up to. And when you get into that learn mode and get people discussing themselves, one, it's utterly fascinating, and then two, It makes them feel really good. And so getting that kind of vibe, I it is really fascinating to me. How different the time will be if you go into it and say, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna find a way to create a warm vibe.

• 43:12Tom Bilyeu?

  But I'm not gonna, I'm never gonna say, hey, everybody, I'm just trying to create a warm vibe. So you go there, you ask natural questions. You don't, you know, shame people or, you know, push people into a situation where you're trying to get them to agree with you. Nothing like that. And you just see like, how much joy can I bring to the table? I might roll up to the scene with 25 questions that I want to ask everybody. That are gonna be hilarious or bring games. I mean, there are all kinds of things that you can do to to basically say, the game I'm gonna play tonight is I'm gonna see how rad I can make this vibe. How good can I make people feel? And if you go into it trying to play that game, and by the way, not trying to force it or anything like that, because you can create your own fucking nightmare.

• 43:55Tom Bilyeu?

  But going in and just seeing like, can I nudge things in a beautiful direction? And then if you have to pull the ripcord and go into the other room, if it's not going well, if people are just biting at each other and they're imploding, going back to the earlier question, you need to have your boundaries, know what you're going to tolerate and what is gonna be, okay, this has gotten out of hand and, you know, my desire to like nudge people into a warm and sort of friendly, uh, welcoming vibe is not working. You know, reminder to self to get better at that. And then you just excuse yourself to the other room or go outside, you're in California. So, you know, even in the depth of the winter here, it's not that bad. Um, you know, or exit the the get together. All of those are options.

• 44:38Tom Bilyeu?

  But if you flip that switch in your mind to be curious, um, and let all of the hurts and frustrations and all that go and just try to have fun. And then worst case of worst cases, just be a sociologist and just sit back and observe. And don't try to change people. Don't make them feel judged. And that's really worked for me. I've never had to articulate this out loud before. But that has really worked for me. Just being curious, watching and asking questions and not trying to hold to any outcome. I think it'll be a game changer for you. All right. Word. That's it, everybody. Those were amazing questions, by the way.

• 45:23Tom Bilyeu?

  I want to shout out the producer, Jamie. Welcome, Jamie. Amazing choices of questions. Those were absolutely wonderful. And the holidays are a tough time. They are a beautiful time. Ultimately, like any aspect of life, they're ultimately what you make of it. Navigating other humans can be incredibly difficult. But if you take the position of curiosity, love, warmth, like there's this thing called loving kindness meditation, where you close your eyes, you meditatively breathe, and you just imagine this bubble of warmth and love slowly enveloping more people in your life, more people, until it envelops the entire world. You can actually, when people do that for a long enough period of time,

• 46:07Tom Bilyeu?

  you can see the differences in their brain. It's absolutely insane. This stuff works, man. Fill your heart with love. As cheesy as that sounds, when you go into these environments, fill your heart with love. Don't be judgmental. Having those kind of bickering, biting, trauma-filled exchanges are their own punishment. You do not need to make it worse by trying to change people, convince them to be otherwise, or whatever. Just go enjoy your family for all of their imperfections. All of us have our own imperfections. And if you're alone, find ways to serve. Find ways to think about all the good, the beautiful, all of that. Loneliness comes for us all.

• 46:52Tom Bilyeu?

  So all of us, I mean, eventually, right? We die as we live ultimately alone. And so having tools to navigate that, to build a warm and loving internal life, I'm not saying it's easy. But I am saying it's possible. That's the way the human mind works. You see what you look for. So look for the good. And with that, I wish you all a very happy holiday season. Much love. I am practicing my loving kindness with all of you guys. I will definitely be sending good vibes this holiday season and every season. All right, guys. Until next time, be legendary. Take care. Peace.

• 47:30Tom Bilyeu?

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