Lewis Howes on The Skill You Need to Succeed in Today’s World (Fan Fav)

Your life story begins as a child no matter who you are. Though our experiences are all uniquely different, pain and frustration from whatever reason usually leaves you scared, angry, and sometimes bitter. When Lewis Howes came face to face with his anger and rage, he got to work on understanding himself, his triggers and how he could improve everyday. After years of practice, he is sharing with you what doing the inner work involves and how feedback has become a critical part of his success. From sharing his 2 secret skills for success to exposing how his healing came along side a few f*ck you letters, this episode is packed with solid advice and exploration of what it takes to find great coaches and be great! ORIGINAL AIR DATE: 7-20-21 Check Out Lewis Howes First Interview on Impact Theory: https://youtu.be/YZ9kfXw9H54 If you want more, here’s Lewis Howes’ Top 3 Tips for Impact: https://youtu.be/SEkwkVGaMvk https://youtu.be/SEkwkVGaMvk%20 SHOW NOTES: 0:00 | Introduction to Lewis Howes 1:22 | Most Important Skill, Vision 2:45 | Developing Vision 5:48 | What People Are Missing 7:50 | Preparing for Something Greater 9:45 | Perfect Storm for a Break Down 13:27 | Healing from the Shame 14:40 | F*ck You Letters & Darkness 17:28 | Prepared and Facing the Pain 20:44 | Need for Mind, Body, & Emotions 28:07 | Relationship Lessons 32:22 | Delaying Sexual Connection 35:29 | Connection Over Values First? 38:16 | Having Kids & Being Authentic 40:25 | Power of Therapy & Triggers 43:13 | Find Great Coaches & Feedback 44:27 | Practice of Taking Feedback 47:06 | Withstanding Physical Pain 48:02 | Finding Good Coaches 51:17 | Stacking Blind Spots 54:28 | Way of Language Learning 57:02 | Earn Your Respect 59:37 | Defining Greatness Follow Lewis Howes: https://lewishowes.com/ What's up, everybody? It's Tom Bilyeu here: If you want my help... STARTING a business:https://tombilyeu.com/zero-to-founder?utm_campaign=Podcast%20Offer&utm_source=podca[%E2%80%A6]d%20end%20of%20show&utm_content=podcast%20ad%20end%20of%20showjoin me here at ZERO TO FOUNDER https://tombilyeu.com/zero-to-founder?utm_campaign=Podcast%20Offer&utm_source=podca[%E2%80%A6]d%20end%20of%20show&utm_content=podcast%20ad%20end%20of%20show SCALING a business:https://tombilyeu.com/callsee if you qualify here. https://tombilyeu.com/call Get my battle-tested strategies and insights delivered weekly to your inbox:https://tombilyeu.com/sign up here. https://tombilyeu.com/ ********************************************************************** If you're serious about leveling up your life, I urge you to check out my new podcast,Tom Bilyeu’s Mindset Playbook https://open.spotify.com/show/47VE90Cittmo6TGGFqg2xf —a goldmine of my most impactful episodes on mindset, business, and health. Trust me, your future self will thank you. ********************************************************************** Join me live on myTwitch stream https://impacttheory.co/4fitmnJ. I'm live daily from 6:30 to 8:30 am PT athttps://impacttheory.co/4fitmnJwww.twitch.tv/tombilyeu https://impacttheory.co/4fitmnJ ********************************************************************** LISTEN TO IMPACT THEORY AD FREE + BONUS EPISODES on APPLE PODCASTS:http://apple.co/impacttheoryapple.co/impacttheory http://apple.co/impacttheory ********************************************************************** FOLLOW TOM: Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/tombilyeu/https://www.instagram.com/tombilyeu/ Tik Tok:https://www.tiktok.com/@tombilyeu?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@tombilyeu?lang=en Twitter:https://twitter.com/tombilyeuhttps://twitter.com/tombilyeu YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@TomBilyeuhttps://www.youtube.com/@TomBilyeu Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices https://megaphone.fm/adchoices See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Bilyeu?

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• 1:11Speaker 01

  The thing that I've learned, especially in this last relationship, was probably my greatest teacher of all. I love this woman, care deeply about this person, want the best for this person. And what I have learned is love is not enough. Love is not enough for a long-term, committed, healthy relationship to fully work.

• 1:36Tom Bilyeu?

  Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Impact Theory. Today, I am here with the dean of the School of Greatness, Lewis Howes. Lewis, my man, welcome back to the show, dude.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Good to see you, brother.

• 1:47Tom Bilyeu?

  Dude, it is so good to see you. I really do enjoy our time together, so I'm super stoked to have you.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, man.

• 1:53Tom Bilyeu?

  I want to ask you, you have really created something pretty amazing for yourself. What is the skill that you have that you think is most important in your success?

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Vision, 100% vision.

• 2:04Tom Bilyeu?

  Explain that.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  From a young age, I've been able to see things that I thought, for myself... That I wasn't able to explain. I was able to see how to accomplish my goals athletically. I was able to see how I needed to connect with a certain person. I was able to see how to build an online business when I didn't have the skills or the know-how. I was able to somehow figure out, okay, this is where I need to go. And I could figure out the path through the clarity somehow. And I'm really good at seeing other people's path as well. That's been something that I've developed the last 10 years. So if you told me, like, my goal is X, and you weren't sure how to make it happen, you wouldn't say that because you know exactly what you need to do. But most people, they're like, I'm not sure how to get there.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I would be able to just, I don't know what it is. There's something that I've been able to develop where I can see exactly the steps I need to take to make it happen.

• 2:59Tom Bilyeu?

  So when you're thinking through it, do you have a method? Or is it literally like it just appears to you?

• 3:05Speaker 01

  There's no method. It's like a Picasso. I don't know. It's like a painting, something like, it just kind of all comes together. And I don't know where that comes from.

• 3:13Tom Bilyeu?

  Do you have a, do you use meditation for this? Like, what are, like, thinking about the person who wants to have the kind of success that you've had? And so is it just that you're born with it? And move on to the next question, or is there anything?

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's a unique experiences. All the experiences that I've had that have allowed me to, from a very young age, I observed people. I observed people constantly because I didn't have friends. So I would sit and watch and observe. And then when I was able to have the courage to speak to people, I would ask questions, just like we do on the Daily Show and everything. And I would just notice people's energy. I would notice their energy, what they were saying, what they weren't saying, what was missing. And I think this is the pattern recognition over time.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  From observing people, asking questions, but also applying these things in my visualization practice for sports. Sports was the greatest teacher for me growing up because every day I got to be in the arena. I got to practice something that I wanted to accomplish. I got to improve on a skill set. Whether it be in basketball, and it was a dribbling skill that I wanted to learn, or a shooting drill, or rebounding, there was always a skill that I needed to improve upon. Football, like, in sports, you never are You've never mastered really anything. You can be great at something, but there's always another level in sports to be better. Even the best basketball players, they miss a lot of their shots. It's like you can always improve somewhere, some skill set. So for

• 4:45Speaker 01

  me, the application of seeing my own goals and seeing my own dreams and then taking daily actions to improve on those and make those goals come to reality. It was the full circle moments that I created consistently. Here's the dream, 15 years later, it happened. Seven years later, it happened. Five years, 20 years. It was like seeing it come to fruition was a big, gave me the confidence. Those results gave me the confidence. And then, when I started coaching other people, I don't know, seven, eight years ago, in kind of the business world, in the online marketing world, or just like their life goals. I just started seeing it, be like, okay, yeah, I see myself in you. I see this problems that I had, what

• 5:29Speaker 01

  was struggling for me. And if you just eliminate this limiting belief, if you take this action, if you do this thing, you should be there in six months, not six years. And then they would do it. And I was just like, awesome. So then seeing those results in other people, I was like, okay, maybe this is a skill I have for others, not just accomplishing goals myself.

• 5:48Tom Bilyeu?

  Is there anything somewhat universal that you see people struggle with? Is it all mindset? Or is it like, when I think about business, business is fucking complicated.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  So complicated.

• 5:57Tom Bilyeu?

  And so I do this thing now called business decision making, where it's a course where literally just live fire, get a group of entrepreneurs together and say, what's the biggest problem you're facing? And let me show you how to think through that to get to an answer, right? So that you can make it deployable for any business. So in that, to your point about pattern recognition, you begin to realize, okay, this, this seems super complicated on the outside, but there's a foundational way to walk through those steps. Do you walk people through that? Like, are there universal things in there that you can help people anchor on?

• 6:28Speaker 01

  It's usually asking a few questions. One is what's missing?

• 6:31Tom Bilyeu?

  In their life or their business?

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, what's missing? Like, what's the thing that's holding you back? And it's kind of just observing, asking questions, seeing what they're talking about, what they're not talking about. I like to ask what's missing.

• 6:44Tom Bilyeu?

  Do people know?

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Well, you'll get to find out, you know, like, maybe they'll tell you they know exactly what's missing, or maybe you just by hearing them like, okay, is this it, or is this it? And just kind of feeling it out. Uh, the second thing is the self-belief, they don't have the belief. And so, what is missing from their ability to believe in themselves? In accomplishing this big goal that they've never accomplished? Because usually it's something we want, we've never had. And so, if we've never created it, it's hard to believe in something we don't see fully on how to get there, for most people.

• 7:16Tom Bilyeu?

  Right.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Unless you practice that, I think.

• 7:20Tom Bilyeu?

  Actually visualizing the end result?

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Seeing the end result, that practice, but also the practice of just, I've seen the goal I want, and I've accomplished it, that practice.

• 7:30Tom Bilyeu?

  In your fantasy?

• 7:32Speaker 01

  In everything, yes, in a fantasy of like, I want to accomplish this goal.

• 7:36Tom Bilyeu?

  And you imagine yourself doing it, holding the thing, having whatever it is you want?

• 7:40Speaker 01

  That is a part of it, but actually in real life accomplishing it. And then doing that.

• 7:44Tom Bilyeu?

  But how do you do the first one, right? So, taking your own story, you go from the last kid picked in dodgeball, to playing at the Olympic level in handball, being a professional football player, like, that's a pretty big chasm to cross. So, when you go from, even the girls were picked above you in a, in a competition that involves strength.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:06Tom Bilyeu?

  So, how, there's nothing for you to anchor on? So, how do you begin to imagine having it, or back then, maybe that wasn't the thing that got you moving?

• 8:15Speaker 01

  I think I used to watch a lot of sports movies back then. And so, I would pick up things from the, the movies and just like, okay, maybe I'll try this.

• 8:21Tom Bilyeu?

  That they had to work hard, things like that?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, whatever, or just like.

• 8:25Tom Bilyeu?

  Because I didn't actually understand that as a kid. I actually thought you were either gifted or you weren't.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  I think I was, that's funny, I was having this conversation with a friend yesterday that, most of my childhood, I would get in trouble and I would say, I wish I were dead. I would get sent in the principal's office, and I would say, I wish I were dead, I don't know why I'm here. I would say this, but then something inside of me was like calling me. It was like pulling me forward. It's really hard to explain. It was kind of like in the middle of my, not in the stomach, not in high in the chest, but kind of in the middle was like pulling me forward of like, no, don't end it. Like, there's gotta be a reason, there's gotta be something you're meant to do. And I never understood what it was.

• 9:06Tom Bilyeu?

  Why do you think it came from your, we'll call it the diaphragm?

• 9:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know. This, I was literally having this conversation yesterday because I feel crazy when I talk about this. I sound like a crazy person to myself.

• 9:15Tom Bilyeu?

  You know that there, I forget what warrior culture said this, but there is a warrior culture. Maybe the Samurai, oh god, please don't, in case that's wrong. But that'll get you the right idea, where they said that the, the diaphragm is the seat of the soul.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 9:29Tom Bilyeu?

  Yes, very interesting to me that you felt that even as a kid.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  I felt it, um, when I was five. Because I remember, and then I felt it consistently throughout every day. I still feel it today. And I don't know what the reason is, but I feel like there's something pulling me in every experience and every breakdown and mistake I've made is teaching me something to improve myself, to prepare myself for something greater. I don't, it sounds crazy.

• 9:54Tom Bilyeu?

  It doesn't sound crazy. I want to understand, so your story is a transition from sort of dark aggression, um, getting angry, right? We covered that in, in our previous interview, but you've turned that now into something that's light and expansive. And, and so what I'm curious about is we go from, we have the sense of, why am I here? I just want to die. But, ah, there's something pulling me from my abdomen and like it's this very physical experience. When do you begin to give it a meaning that isn't sort of dark and I'm less than?

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Eight years ago, I feel like I had the perfect storm of breakdowns in my life. I moved to LA for a girl. We tried to make it work, but it was up and down and it was just like breakdown city.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  I was in a business partnership with a company I had at that time. It was in constant breakdown. Arguments, fight, conflict, it was just not good.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  And I started to, you know, friendships were in breakdown, everything was in breakdown. And I got, I think I talked about this in the last time, but I got into a basketball fight where I was in a pretty bad fight in a basketball game. And I just had all this anger and aggression that was constantly coming out whenever I felt triggered. I remember one time, this is gonna sound crazy, one time I was driving in West Hollywood and I stopped at a stop sign. And there was a runner coming behind me and he punched the side of my car as it went around me. This is how crazy it was. I literally drove the down the person, I drove and chased this runner down. Parked in the middle of Melrose Avenue, in the middle, got out and started chasing at this guy. And then I stopped, I go, what am I doing? Like, what am I doing?

• 11:30Speaker 01

  So that had these, all these moments where I was like, something is not right. And I remember after this fight that I got into on the basketball court, in a simple pickup game, a fun game. I was like, what is going on? My best friend was like, I don't wanna hang out with you if you continue to act this way. And that was the wake up calls, like, okay, if my best friend doesn't wanna hang out with me because I can't manage whatever is going on inside in the external world, I'm reactive to everything. Let me do some work on this. And that was the process when I started going to every therapist I could think of, every workshop, anything. I was like, I will try anything because on the outside, life looked good.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  I was, you know, making money, I was building a business, I had a personal brand, I was, things looked good on the outside. But on the inside, I was suffering and I didn't know what it was. I didn't know how to get out of it. I just thought, well, this is my personality, don't try to change me. This is who I am. And I got to a place where I just wasn't enjoying who I was anymore. I didn't enjoy my own company.

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• 14:47Speaker 01

  Because it was just so much suffering inside. I just didn't understand it. And everyone might look at me and say, well, you shouldn't be complaining about something like you're living in America and you had this and you had a business, you had money, like you have nothing to complain about. But I think we underestimate what people might be going through inside, even if they look like they have it all figured out on the outside. So I have a lot of compassion for people now because I understand like, man, it doesn't matter what you look like, how beautiful you are, how much money you have, how much success. People, if you don't know how to manage the beast inside, you could be really be struggling. And all that could be a mask. So I was wearing a mask.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  And that's the moment when I started to say, I want to discover everything within me. Why did I do everything from my past? How did all my past affect me today? What is it? And these things I was afraid to look at for 25 years, which was the first thing, being sexually abused at five years old. Then there's parent stuff, just like fights and arguments and just all these other things. My brother going to prison for a number of years when I was a kid and not having friends during that time. Because I was, you know, looked at as like the bad kids, younger brother, and so I must be bad. It was just like a series of events that for me caused me to react with a lot of triggers and anger.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  And when I finally recognized it and was willing to look myself in the mirror and be honest with myself, that's when I was available for healing. That's when I was available for that.

• 16:13Tom Bilyeu?

  Talk to me about the healing process. Is it about changing the meaning that those events have? Where it's like it happened to me versus it happened for me? Like what are you doing?

• 16:22Speaker 01

  That was definitely a part of it. I think a lot of it was not being afraid to speak about it. I think for myself, I never told anyone I was sexually abused. And I never told people certain things that I was ashamed of. And so that shame just built with this like ball of anger inside of me. And whenever I felt under attack or whenever I felt like someone was trying to abuse me or someone was trying to do something to me unfairly. If I was giving a lot and someone was taking advantage of it. It was almost like I just, yeah, I felt under attack and I wanted to fight. I wanted to defend myself. And so being able to speak about it and share the shame allowed me to start the healing process.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  I think I wasn't even able to talk about it. Sharing was huge. I started writing letters to everyone that I was angry with. I started writing these letters. I didn't send them, I just did it for myself to really process analytically, two pen and paper and to look at the words of like, how did it make me feel?

• 17:22Tom Bilyeu?

  Were they aggressive fuck you letters?

• 17:24Speaker 01

  Yes, and thank you letters. So it was the full range of emotions.

• 17:29Tom Bilyeu?

  That's interesting. So is that when you, because really what I'm trying to figure out is.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  How to transform it into.

• 17:33Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, because, look, one of the things you talked about during the book tour was a lot of people worry that by giving up that mask, they let go of their edge, the aggression, the very thing that's made them successful. And to be honest, I'm empathetic to that. I actually think that finding a way to channel that masculine energy is smart.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  And I. A chip on the shoulder.

• 17:53Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I fucking love it, dude. It's gotten me where I am.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 17:57Tom Bilyeu?

  But being able to balance, like, the, I only let myself lean into the darkness until I know that now it's in danger of being corrosive. And so then I don't do that, right? So it's like, I always call it the 2080 principle. So 20% of the time I'm down, be in the dark side. Love it. Absol- fucking lutely, just like Darth Vader. It's sexy. It is, right? It's really powerful.

• 18:18Speaker 01

  Driven.

• 18:18Tom Bilyeu?

  But if you spend more than 20% of your time there, it will tear you apart. So you've got to balance it with 80% in the light side.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 18:26Tom Bilyeu?

  So I'm curious, like, when you begin, like, maybe it's those letters, but at some point, it's like, you know the intoxication of writing the fuck you letter and being like.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  No, it wasn't like F you letter. It was like, I want to destroy you physically. It was like, I want to go and put your face in the ground and smash it as hard as I can. That's the darkness.

• 18:48Tom Bilyeu?

  Love it.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  It's like, how do, how do I do that? With, with still being alive and not going to jail. It's like, that's the darkness that was in my mind. And I could easily go back to that place. And that's the scary thing, is I know what's inside of me.

• 19:01Tom Bilyeu?

  Okay, now we're, let's go to some real shit here at Lewis Howes. For people that have never stood next to you, you're a big fucking dude.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 19:09Tom Bilyeu?

  Strong.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 19:10Tom Bilyeu?

  And I was watching one of your Instagram stories and you were beating the life out of your poor trainer. And I was like, for fuck's sake, even though he has.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  It is funny, yeah, yeah.

• 19:21Tom Bilyeu?

  But like, you were hitting him so hard. And here's what I think is awesome. So, one of the, the idea that Jordan Peterson had that really fucking rocked me is this idea of the meek shall inherit the earth. Now, hearing that in a biblical context, I never understood it, did not make sense, because I interpreted meek to be weak.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 19:39Tom Bilyeu?

  And I was like, why will the weak, weak, and look, I'm a guy that grew up weak. Like, my whole journey in life has been learning about toughening up. So, all the empathy in the universe for people that feel weak. So, I just couldn't understand it. I was like, I've really tried to get away from this, and so much of the good in my life is from getting tough.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 19:58Tom Bilyeu?

  And so, he was like, well, if you go back and look at the actual ancient word that this is interpreted from, meek may be better translated as somebody who has the beast inside, but can keep it controlled.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 20:12Tom Bilyeu?

  Somebody that has a sword and knows how to use it, but keeps it sheathed.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:16Tom Bilyeu?

  And I was like, oh my God, like, that now makes sense to me. Where you have the power, you can fucking punch like an ox.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  Well, I think, uh, I can't remember if

• 20:27Speaker 01

  who said it, but someone said it on a podcast somewhere, and I, I think it's like a Chinese proverb or something, where it's like, it's better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.

• 20:37Tom Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  And every day, I want to train myself to be prepared for a war. Whatever that war is, whether that's external or internal. And I truly believe for me, my body is very physical, I need to move. And it gives me so much confidence, it gives me joy, it gives me happiness to be able to train, whether it be in boxing, or lifting, or any type of physical activity, where I feel like I am strong and I can take care of myself if I need to. I hope I never have to use that strength to defend myself. I hope I never do. But to just know, if someone wanted to do something, I would be able to take care of myself. That gives me inner peace. That eliminates anxiety.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  That makes me be able to walk in a room and see the room and scan the room and say, I got this. I don't need to feel afraid for myself. And the discipline, you talk about this a lot, the discipline of doing something painful every day, I think is one of the most important disciplines that any human being can have. Whatever that pain looks like for you, I believe we must lean into pain every day. Otherwise, pain is gonna lean into us. But if we're leaning into it first, when stuff happens, it's like, yeah, I got this, because I do this every day. I'm not saying we should be in pain 80% of our day, but maybe an hour, 30 minutes. You should do something that makes you wanna puke, or makes you wanna stop, or makes you wanna relax.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Because then, when stuff really happens, you'll be relaxed. And that's key, for me. So, there is definitely, I feel such a sense of peace in my life right now. And it's because I train hard.

• 22:15Tom Bilyeu?

  What are some of the things you do that make you wanna stop?

• 22:19Speaker 01

  Make me wanna stop what?

• 22:21Tom Bilyeu?

  So you said you should do something every day that makes you wanna puke, makes you wanna stop, relax?

• 22:24Speaker 01

  This morning, I was, yeah, doing an 8 a.m. session, and I hired the best trainer in the world for boxing, a former Olympian, Tony Jeffries, he's amazing. And I'm just like, know how far to push me. Like, he knows how far to push me. Where even today, I go, I started bending over at one point because I thought I was gonna puke in the ring. He goes, "What's wrong?" And I go, "I just need to breathe." And he goes, "Let's go, step in." And I was just like, "Mother F'er." I was like, "Okay." And I stopped, because I haven't trained in like, a week with him, because I was traveling. And so, and then I sat down in between rounds, because we'll do like, two-minute rounds, where it's intense. And then I'll stop for 60 seconds and sit, and just breathe and meditate. And at one point, I go, "I might need another 60 seconds." He goes, "Like, make this your recovery round.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Like, lean into the pain and recover at the same time." So I'm learning lessons every time I'm doing this. Whether I'm lifting with my lifting coach, or boxing with him, it's... I just feel so at peace afterwards. I'm like, man, I know I can do this. And every day I push myself a little bit harder. It's like, you just feel like you can conquer anything. I don't want to be tested in the real world. I'm like, someone brings a knife to me, I'm gonna run away. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't want to be, I hope I don't have to. But it's just the confidence of the daily practice, so.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  But, I mean, the working out alone is not enough. I have been doing years of the inner work, the inner workout. And it's all about the inner game, as you know. The meditation practices, the visualization, the therapies, the workshops, the just... Whatever it is, listening to shows like yours, reading books, whatever it is, constantly trying to improve my mind and heal the soul. And I think by integrating the daily pain of the physical body and by integrating constant healing. And it's like, things happen every day to us where we can be triggered. So we're gonna be constantly like, letting it go and forgiving and moving beyond it. And the more I do that, the better I feel. And when I stop those practices, that's when I feel like something's off in my life.

• 24:24Tom Bilyeu?

  And one thing I'm really trying to get people to understand is that your mind and your body are not separate. And it is one thing, 85% of the impulses that travel along the biggest nerve in your body, the vagus nerve, are going from the body to the brain, not the brain to the body. And so you've got, Lisa Feldman Barrett wrote this book called How Emotions Are Made. And it's all about how your body will feel some kind of way and your brain tries to attach meaning to it and explain what's going on. But it doesn't start with a thinking thing.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  It's all connected, it's a feeling.

• 24:51Tom Bilyeu?

  Exactly.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:52Tom Bilyeu?

  And so, that idea of strength and power and being able to generate force, it's like, that's a real thing. And for me, I remember when I had first met my partners back at Quest, they said, dude, when we first met you, we couldn't understand how you held your head up. Your neck was so small. And they were just like, yeah, cuz they were like, they were like these bodybuilders. And they're looking at me like, they were calling me pencil neck and shit. And, you know, it really, like, I had lifted a little bit before then, but never really taken it seriously. But then suddenly, being around guys that were very physical... And I started lifting and I was like, oh my god, it's like a whole thing when you can

• 25:30Speaker 01

  You're like a superpower once you start lifting.

• 25:32Tom Bilyeu?

  At the height of my deadlifting, when I was really serious about getting weights up, I could bend over and pick up almost 400 pounds. And I remember just like, I'd walk around and say to my wife, I can bend over and pick up almost 400 pounds.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 25:44Tom Bilyeu?

  It's a thing, you know what I mean? Like, it feels some kind of way. And getting people like focused on... Because as much you say, and I think it's so, so true, that the working out physically isn't enough, but doing the mental work isn't enough. Like, you really have to integrate.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  You have to do it all, I think. And it's the emotional work too. It's like, have you healed the past? Have you forgiven? Are you still holding on to resentment? If so, something's gonna be off in your life. It's the mental growth, like improving the mindset on a daily basis, improving the physical body, and then are you releasing the emotions? Are you processing? Are you integrating the lessons you've learned from the previous breakup into this relationship? Or are you carrying things from the past? And it's kind of that, those three things really connecting. And then if you have a spiritual, you know, practice as well, I think really integrating that is something important, but... And part of my life was all physical, and I got physical results and was suffering emotionally.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  Then I started to heal the emotional side and feel peace and sleep at night for the first time, which I was like, oh my god, I can sleep! It's because I let go of something that I was holding on to emotionally. Then it's like, okay, I don't feel like I'm that smart, so let me learn. Let me improve my mindset. Let me get new skills. Now I feel more confident. I'm increasing the mental capacity. And I just feel so much better every day, knowing that I've done that work. And it's not enough to do the work in the past. It's a continual process in the present that makes me feel at peace every day.

• 27:20Tom Bilyeu?

  You know, one of the most interesting things about you and the podcasting game and all this stuff that's like come to fruition in the last, you know, whatever, 10, 11 years, is we've gotten to watch you evolve as a human in real time and go through breakups and like new relationships.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not as good as you at just being married for 20 years. You know, it's like, I gotta, I gotta learn the hard way.

• 27:39Tom Bilyeu?

  Well, so did I, so I have a few years on you, which may be the thing that speaks to that, but... Talk to me about going from, you know, the last two relationships where I knew of you in the beginning and then actually really knew you. It was two relationships that didn't end great.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 27:58Tom Bilyeu?

  But you really like were so intentional about the next person, these are gonna be the things. I mean, going back to your idea of vision, like mapping out this is what it's gonna be.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 28:08Tom Bilyeu?

  And what have you learned about relationships that have made this one more successful?

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Well, the current relationship is no longer.

• 28:16Tom Bilyeu?

  Really?

• 28:17Speaker 01

  And so I haven't spoken to you and I haven't talked about this publicly, but I'm sharing it with you for the first time.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  That's why I'm, you know, just sitting here like, okay. Do I wanna share this right now?

• 28:30Tom Bilyeu?

  I should have, I should have asked you before. Is there anything up limits? You always ask that of other people. I'm terrible.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  I know, but it's all good.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Awesome. Let me speak into this. What I've learned from the previous three relationships. All amazing women, all great people, sweet human beings with their own set of skills, and I want the best for them. That's truly.

• 28:52Tom Bilyeu?

  Which by the way, you were like that off camera as well, so I can vouch for that.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Yes, I always want, I always want the best for them.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  And everything is 100% my responsibility and my fault for choosing relationships, for staying in relationships, for all these things. And the thing that I've learned, especially in this last relationship, was probably my greatest teacher of all. I love this woman, care deeply about this person, want the best for this person, have something super, we had an amazing connection. And what I have learned is love is not enough. Love is not enough for a long-term committed.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  Healthy relationship to fully work. Facts. My, my personal experience, one human being, love is not enough. And I think we've been told our whole life, love is all you need. And it's just, for me, not true.

• 29:53Tom Bilyeu?

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• 30:36Tom Bilyeu?

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• 30:55Speaker 01

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• 31:06Speaker 02

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• 31:25Speaker 01

  What else do you need? Values, vision, and lifestyle. Personally, from my experience. You know, a wise ancient philosopher once said,

• 31:38Speaker 01

  A relationship without trust is like a relationship without gas in a car. I've heard that somewhere. You can stay in the car, but it'll go nowhere. Right. And that person was you, Posse, this morning. And I really liked that. I was like, wow. And the values, trust goes into with the values. And if values don't line up, like every relationship I've ever had up until this moment has been a sexual attraction first, a sexual, a chemistry, a feeling. Yeah. That is like, this feels good. Let's hang out again.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  This feels great. Let's hang out again. And then it's like a falling into pattern of spending more time, great sexual connection, lots of shared interests, fun, joy, passion, and then, but never talking about the values of the vision.

• 32:39Speaker 01

  And finding out later the hard way, oh, do our values line up? Do our vision line up? Not making them wrong or me wrong. We just never really talked about those things. And that causes a lot more, from my personal experience, pain and frustration and letdown and unmet expectations that were never communicated from both people and for the relationship, from my experience. And really just being like, wow, okay, one of all these lessons taught me, and why is it taking me this long to learn all these things? Each relationship, I learned something new, that I'm like, okay, I'm gonna take this in the next relationship. But with this last, this last relationship with this incredible woman, beautiful, sweet, kind, caring human being, who gave, who showed me what more love than I've ever felt in my life.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  That we, yeah, just the values weren't aligned, not that they were right or wrong, just they weren't aligned. The, the shared vision of our life as a relationship was not aligned. And certain lifestyle or cultural things weren't aligned, which caused more friction. Which the lifestyle stuff is, is probably like the least important of those, over the values and the vision. Uh, but I think that adds to the, the flow of the relationship is having like cultural or lifestyle, or at least being accepting of the other person's lifestyle or culture. So that's what I've learned, values, vision and lifestyle. And really not leaning into the sexual connection or the chemistry first, but the values and the vision first.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  And delaying sexual like-

• 34:13Tom Bilyeu?

  How long?

• 34:17Speaker 01

  You know, I believe, I believe time is a weird thing. I grew up with my father and the religion I was raised in saying that time is infinite. You know, I never celebrated my birthday because my dad didn't want me to put emphasis on my age and limit me from accomplishing my dreams. I think I'm too young for something or too old for something. He always said, "Time is infinite. There is no beginning. There is no end." So don't emphasize your age to limit you.

• 34:44Tom Bilyeu?

  Right.

• 34:44Speaker 01

  Expand it. So I think that you can create,

• 34:49Speaker 01

  you can make a day feel like a year with someone sometimes.

• 34:52Tom Bilyeu?

  Okay. I'm trying to get, I want to know, how long, how long should we be waiting? Yes, exactly.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  As long as you can wait.

• 35:00Tom Bilyeu?

  Really?

• 35:02Speaker 01

  The more that I've learned, as long as you can wait to figure out if the values and the vision are aligned.

• 35:11Tom Bilyeu?

  Very interesting. So-

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Now, you asked me this a couple of years ago. I'd be like, I don't know, like a few weeks. You know, it's like a month.

• 35:18Tom Bilyeu?

  Here's, so there's something interesting here and I want to get your take on this. So with my wife, I was just trying to get laid.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 35:25Tom Bilyeu?

  That's it. Hot chick. Here we go. It's all good.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  Let me woo her. Yes.

• 35:29Tom Bilyeu?

  Hundred percent. And in fairness, quite frankly, she was also just looking, she calls it a fling and it's interesting that she uses that word because she wanted the emotional like flare up of like this hot American guy and like, that's her words by the way, not mine. And you know, I'm gonna have this story to tell. That's what it was all about for her. And-

• 35:51Speaker 01

  So she was down to just have fun?

• 35:52Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah. And so that's, that was the initial gravitational center that we went around. And so that gave us the time to get to know each other and all of that. Now, her dad, when I went to ask for his blessing to marry his daughter, he was like, "Don't do it. You guys don't have shared values."

• 36:09Speaker 01

  Did you have a shared values?

• 36:10Tom Bilyeu?

  We did, and he could only see cultural values. And from that perspective, it was very much night and day.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 36:18Tom Bilyeu?

  But Lisa and I, so we do a show called Relationship Theory together.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Which is amazing. People need to subscribe and watch it if you don't watch it yet.

• 36:24Tom Bilyeu?

  That is extraordinarily kind. And one thing we talk about there is collision of values is the most dangerous thing between a couple.

• 36:33Speaker 01

  Not having shared values.

• 36:34Tom Bilyeu?

  Eh, not realizing that you have a collision of values. Because once you know what it is, you can negotiate it. But if you can't say, "This is what I think, this is what you think," so steel man each other's argument in the most generous way possible. And then it's like, "Okay, I really do understand you. I still think you're crazy, but I do understand you, right?" So now we know we have a collision of values. And so it's like, what do you do to navigate that? So is your strategy now just look for people where there's enough alignment? Or do you think that there's a way to negotiate around values?

• 37:08Speaker 01

  I'm in a couple of months, not in a relationship mode.

• 37:12Tom Bilyeu?

  So give you some time.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  So I'm, but what I'm feeling in this time is that, and the reason I said as long as you can wait, that might be like a couple of weeks, it might be a month, it might be two months. It doesn't have to be like you have to wait till you're married or something. You know, especially if you're a sexually different person like we are. You know, it may not be that fun to wait that long. But I always believed that delayed gratification is the best. And that chemistry will actually be stronger with the more you wait, the longer you wait. Even if it's a few days, you know, if you wait a little bit longer, it's like the anticipation. But it's really trying to listen to the values. You can even, I could ask, you know, in the future, I could be asking directly or indirectly just to like see, okay, what are their values?

• 37:56Speaker 01

  And is this a sexual chemistry connection I have with this person? Or is there also like some shared values? It's gotta be some. And some shared vision.

• 38:06Tom Bilyeu?

  What is the vision? Like what, what kind of vision?

• 38:10Speaker 01

  The vision for the relationship. The vision for like, what is our life gonna look like in the future? I'm a big vision guy.

• 38:16Tom Bilyeu?

  Like roles? Or what are we trying to accomplish?

• 38:19Speaker 01

  What is our mission as a relationship?

• 38:21Tom Bilyeu?

  A shared together.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  A shared vision together.

• 38:24Tom Bilyeu?

  When would you bust that out? Cause like early in the dates, that seems weird.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  You probably wouldn't do it early. But I would just be asking indirect questions like, you know.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Are you looking to have kids? Are you interested? What's your interest for the future? What's your own career path? What's your own dream that you have? Just like seeing where they want to go. Okay, could we share this together as something in the future? I think once you got more intimate, then you could talk about like, hey, let's create like a mission statement for our relationship or a shared vision statement. And is it aligned? Is it even the same thing? If not, then what are we held by? Sexual chemistry? Which I think is easy for a lot of people to like lean into sexual chemistry. At least, speaking for myself, that's been my life. And it's been not looking at everything else. And again, not making them right or wrong, just like, are we aligned? And alignment for me is everything moving forward.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  Now, that may mean that I'm making mistakes and then, you know, have a relationship that doesn't work out. But it's like, am I coming from a place of alignment? And maybe it just didn't work out. And we weren't the right fit. But we were at least in alignment. So, yeah, values, vision, lifestyle is what I'm thinking about right now. You know, if you're in hookup and sex mode and just like fling mode, then cool, have sex. Like, but know that might be some consequences of untangling emotionally with that person. And like, if you're doing it with five people at the same time, you know, what does that do for you? And is it really meaningful and fulfilling? And so it's figuring out what you want as well. Yeah, 100%. Do you want kids? It's funny, I had this conversation maybe a week ago. Someone asked me this.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  And I said, you know, I've all, I've never could see myself without kids. But I've never felt peace in the relationships I've been in. Till I felt like I would be trapped if I had kids with that person. But then I would stay in the relationship to try to create peace and make it work. So, you know, that was my defect. Yeah. Interesting. Why do you call it a defect? What do you mean? That I would always try to make it work. I would always try to make something like, make it work, shape shift, change who I am to make them happy. I was a people pleaser. You know, if they weren't happy with me or they're angry with me, okay, what can I do to change to make them happy? And what I've learned is you can't buy peace.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  You can't just change or do something for someone to be happy. Like, it might work for a moment, but it's not going to be sustainable. And...

• 40:51Speaker 01

  And another thing I really look for is like, how can I be a hundred percent authentic to I am, to who I am from the beginning? How can I be silly, goofy, weird, say stupid stuff like, I don't know, just do things over the top of who I am? Not hide anything. Be a hundred percent honest about all my stuff in the past, all my shame, all my doubts, everything. And if you are cool with that, I'm down to hang out again. If you're not, then I'm not gonna change who I am anymore in the fact of change to just make someone happy. Like, you gotta come from a place of like, authentic power, who I am. And accepting, I'm willing to grow and improve, but I'm not gonna just do something to create peace.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  So you either accept me where I'm at, and I accept you where I'm at, and we create a standard for what we wanna create together, and see if we can meet that shared standard. Otherwise, like, let's move on.

• 41:46Tom Bilyeu?

  Dude, I am really sad that you have to go through any difficult time, but your ability to package things up for people with like, this is what I learned, take responsibility, be able to articulate like what you're learning.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  Therapy is powerful, man.

• 41:59Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, well, that's interesting.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  Therapy is extremely powerful.

• 42:02Tom Bilyeu?

  Go on. What makes therapy so powerful?

• 42:04Speaker 01

  So, I wonder how much I should get into this.

• 42:08Tom Bilyeu?

  As much as you're willing to.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  I wanna respect my previous partner.

• 42:11Tom Bilyeu?

  Fair.

• 42:12Speaker 01

  So I wanna be intentional about what I say here. We were having some challenges in the relationship, but also some great moments. So it was like, it wasn't like it was all bad, but it's like, great weeks and then a challenging week, and we weren't able to resolve things to where we both felt like, okay, let's improve upon this and move forward. And it got to the point where I was like, I really feel like we need therapy. Like, I love therapy, it's great. Where we have a mediator who can understand both parties and help us come with a resolution, because we weren't able to resolve things. There's a cultural differences, you know, that she had that was like, you know, well, this is how we do it in my culture, and so this is what I expect. And I'm like, well, okay, but it's not what I wanna do, and

• 42:57Tom Bilyeu?

  Right.

• 42:58Speaker 01

  Can we figure out somewhere in the middle, or whatever?

• 43:02Speaker 01

  Couldn't figure it out. I said, "Let's do therapy. I think it'd be great." We eventually get to the point where we're either gonna break up or therapy. Because there was some resistance to therapy for many, many months. And I said, "Listen, this is like, we're not improving. We don't have the skills to do this on our own. So we either need to end it or try something else. Because we've been trying this for months. It's not working." Get into it and it's never about the other person. For me, when you get to therapy, it's never about, this is what this person is doing. It's always about, why is this triggering me? And why has been the pattern my entire life, this has been a trigger? And how can I show up differently? How can I heal this thing that is triggering me? The other person just happens to be triggering me. How can I heal it? How can I take responsibility?

• 43:47Speaker 01

  And that coming from a place of a healed place, now I can make a conscious decision. Do I want to stay in this relationship? Or is this not part of my values and my vision for the future? But I was never able to come from a conscious place because there's always some pain from the past. In every relationship, it was a different pain that I just hadn't healed. And therapy was really helpful. And I'm continuing to do it so I can integrate the lessons and apply it in every area of my life. And just having a guide to give you exercises, give you stuff where you sit across from each other and really share things in a dyad. Have you guys go to a sacred place and write things out and talk about things.

• 44:29Speaker 01

  Like just having someone facilitate and then say, "What did you learn? And how can we apply this to relationship?" is powerful. A mediator you both can trust and respect. And I think it's something that if you're unable to figure that, I mean, there are a lot of people that can do it on their own in relationships. I have not been able to do that. So just like everything else I've ever done, if I want to become better at something, I find great coaches. My boxing coach, my lifting trainer, Spanish teacher, you know, coaches in sports. I try to find the best. Say, "I'm a student. I'm a humble student. I have a beginner's mind. Let me learn. Humble me. I'll try something. I'm gonna fail. Okay, I'll listen to you."

• 45:13Speaker 01

  And I think that approach, for me, has been a superpower that I've never felt like I'm smart enough or good enough or talented enough or big enough to take coaching from experts who could guide me to improve. And I think you asked me the question like, what's the skill, it's secret. And I think that is also one of them. The ability to have a clear vision and see the steps. And the ability to have a beginner's mind and find and surround myself by great coaches. And be unapologetic and asking for feedback. Feedback has been a huge indicator of my success. I will ask friends, hey, what do you think is like the one thing that you noticed from afar? Do you think I could be doing better?

• 45:54Speaker 01

  What's the thing you think like, oh, if I didn't do that, like, everything would improve? What's the thing where I'm lacking? What's the thing? I ask everyone, give me feedback. How do you deal with the emotional sting, though, of bad feedback? I have learned, uh, through the process, I wasn't good at feedback until eight years ago. Cause I was living with a wound of abuse, of triggers, of anger, of frustration. And I went through a workshop that literally for days had us, I kid you not, hours and hours and days had us sit there and take feedback from everyone in the room. About how we showed up in that workshop. And the mirror that we are for that person. What we, what, it was just like as exercises.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  Whether it was true or not, you just had to sit there and look strangers in the eye while they tell you, you look this, you're this, you're this, and just be like, huh? And notice how it makes you feel. And literally this exercise over and over for days, got me to realize that just because someone's giving you feedback doesn't mean it's true about you. So, don't take it personally. And see where is the truth in there and how can you apply it? I was unable to take feedback until eight years ago. Unable. I couldn't do it. I was like, don't tell me what to do. Don't try to change me. Screw you, I'm better than you at this. You don't know what you're talking about. It was like a very active, let me fight, you're trying to tell me where I'm wrong? Well, here's where you're wrong. Here's where you suck. You need to improve this. It was very aggressive. And now...

• 47:25Speaker 01

  I think it's, everything's a practice. It's like, okay. At first, I didn't like it, and now, oh, I got this one little piece of feedback and I started applying it, and look how it improved my life. So I can see the meaning of feedback and the value of it. You know, we get feedback every minute on YouTube or on Instagram. It's like, we get comments on the daily, you and I, every minute.

• 47:46Tom Bilyeu?

  Sure.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  Some things are really nice and some things are really nasty.

• 47:50Tom Bilyeu?

  Yep.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  And I'm sure this video, we're gonna see lots of comments on YouTube. Leave a comment for your feedback, I love to see. I interrupted Tom, Tom interrupted me, we're swearing, like, all these things we're gonna get this whole time. And we just get to take it in, okay, is this feedback that is useful for us and can we improve? Or do we just need to say thank you and let it go? And that has been a practice that I think is a skill now. That I feel like is a superpower. Cause I am beneath, or I'm not above anyone. Like, I will take feedback from any human being. Give me a five-year-old kid, give me some feedback. You're observing something about me, I'll listen.

• 48:27Tom Bilyeu?

  You know, kids will give it to you raw.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  Real. You suck, okay, okay, thank you. You know, it's like, so that's, um, that's something I try to do. Take the feedback.

• 48:36Tom Bilyeu?

  So interesting, I mean, I guess it goes back to the, you've got a vision for your life.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:39Tom Bilyeu?

  You know, you've got the athletics of knowing that you can train and push yourself. Unfortunately, I came very late to that lesson.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Yep. I know that I can withstand pain. I know it, cause I've done it for so long in sports. I mean, football camp is like one of the greatest, uh, you know, humblers. Just like three-a-days in the heat in Ohio is just like miserable, it's just so hard. And you just, you just feel like you're in a military boot camp or something. It's, it's so demanding, mentally, physically, emotionally, people screaming at you, swearing at you, slamming to the ground. The social pressure of all the other kids laughing at you if you mess up. Break, you know, spraining an ankle, being in pain, it's just like, all the psychological stuff that happens there. You just have to, and then be able to get through it, it's like, I can do anything, you know, you have this feeling. Um, that's why I'm a big fan of just sports for kids in general, it's like the confidence builder.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Going through daily pain, learning how to find great coaches. You know, the greatest athletes that you've interviewed, they had great coaches.

• 49:37Tom Bilyeu?

  How do you find good coaches?

• 49:41Speaker 01

  What's the old saying? When the student is ready, the teacher will appear? Exactly. And I think I've all, like, when I've, I never thought about doing boxing until January this year. And it's because, like, I was having a couple of weeks in my relationship where we weren't speaking. We were taking some space. And I was like, and I, I was almost 250 pounds. I'm now 230 pounds. Whoa. And I was just like, man, I feel, and I'd been running for the whole year for COVID because the gyms were closed. And I was just like, I just feel like I need something different. I need a challenge. I need to push myself physically in a way that I've never done it with a new skill. I need to be like competing. I need to do something than just running. I was getting bored.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  And that moment with like having some space in the relationship and just being like, I have no idea where this is gonna go. The uncertainty of the future. I was just like, I need to put myself through pain in a controlled, safe way. Right. And I need to find the coach that'll scare me. And I remember seeing, I'd met Tony eight years previously and heard that he's like this Olympic medalist and former pro is undefeated. And I kept seeing his stuff pop up on Instagram and I just messaged him and said, hey, can I come do a private class with you? And one lesson's been, I don't know, six months, twice a week. And he was there. I was ready and he appeared. You know, I needed a therapist. I was ready.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  She appeared. I needed a lifting coach. I was ready. And literally, I was thinking about it and having a conversation and he messaged me that day. And I was like, oh yeah, this is the guy I need. It's just, I feel like when you're ready, things will open up and you've got to be seeking coaches. Like, you've got to say, who knows someone? Who, like, put it out there. By doing that, you'll find the right person. It's really interesting. What makes for a good therapist? Do you have great coaches? I feel like you have always been like this lone wolf. Like, you don't have someone that you pay to coach you, do you? I don't. In sport and in fitness. Therapy, relationships, spiritually, business. Like you've always been like, I'm gonna figure this out myself and just master like everything.

• 51:48Tom Bilyeu?

  You know, it's interesting. So yes and no. So I have learned everything the hard way.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 51:54Tom Bilyeu?

  So I don't think of myself as like some savant that can just figure things out. But because I take so well to books and YouTube. Like I just went on a tweet storm yesterday or the day before. I was just freaked out. I was learning something on YouTube and I'm like, this stuff you can find on YouTube is crazy. It's free. It is the best of the best of the best, like giving you their best information for free. I was just like, this is crazy. And you just have to put in the time and the energy. So I would 1,000% pursue coaches if I felt like I wasn't getting results from the things that I was learning from books and stuff. It's like for each person, there's like a different lane where you can really learn.

• 52:39Tom Bilyeu?

  And for me, for whatever reason, like honestly, I spend way more time on YouTube. So call it YouTube stroke podcast to me it's the same thing.

• 52:46Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 52:47Tom Bilyeu?

  With somebody talking, I can take to that really quickly.

• 52:50Speaker 01

  And you can apply it, yeah.

• 52:51Tom Bilyeu?

  100% and I force myself to apply it. So if I learn something today, I'm gonna use it today. So I'm not.

• 52:56Speaker 01

  There's the one thing that could be an opportunity.

• 53:01Tom Bilyeu?

  Please, give it to me.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  And maybe coaching wouldn't be the best thing for you. Like now that I know this, maybe it wouldn't accelerate your learning or your success. Because you apply it so fast and you find the right information. You see it and you're like, I'm gonna go apply this and you take action. You're unapologetic in your ability to apply what you've learned to get results. Whether you fail, you figure it out and all that stuff. There's one thing that coaches will always give me that I can't, I can't get from watching a video or learning or listening or reading a book. Can you guess what that one thing is? One word.

• 53:38Tom Bilyeu?

  Criticism?

• 53:39Speaker 01

  Blind spots. And you might be able to see your blind spots. Your wife might be able to see your blind spots, but there's something when a master is working with you. That maybe you are, maybe you are even aware of it, but there's going to be something that you're not aware of. Or maybe you're not applying it as fast as you should be. And every time I work with Tony, my boxing trainer, I say, Tony, like, what's the thing I need to work on for next time that you saw today? Maybe I was aware of it and he's confirming something I'm aware of, but it's usually not. Cause I'm so focused in the zone and practicing when I'm practicing that I'm not thinking about like, you know what?

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Your back foot was never turned when you came through on that punch or your hips were slightly this way. It's like always the little details and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna store that and apply that next time. And the stacking of those blind spots and just those little details over time. He's like, dude, I don't know how you're improving so fast over six months. I was watching video of me six months ago to now and it's like a completely different person. It's because I'm consistent and it's because I'm taking feedback. It's because I have a great coach and he's telling me where my blind spots are and I'm applying it. You know, if I was just watching videos, I may not know that I'm doing those things personally. So that's my one, one thought for you.

• 55:02Speaker 01

  It might be, it might be a cool experiment for you to find some master to work with.

• 55:08Tom Bilyeu?

  I've had coaches, so I've done, like I've taken guitar lessons, I took Greek lessons. There was something else as you were saying it that I thought of. So I think it's, it's unarguable that that is all true, that I would get feedback. I would see more quickly things than I might not otherwise. So, and I don't even have like, I don't have pushback against the coach. In fact, when you were, when I was researching you again, it's not that I don't know you, but obviously I always do before an interview. And had heard you were taking Spanish lessons. I thought, damn it, I really, because I took Greek lessons for a while and it was really hardcore about it. And I got thrown off by, that people are working on little translator devices that would just go in your ear. So I was like, God, if that's really going to be a thing, like do I, can I put this energy?

• 55:53Tom Bilyeu?

  Cause we didn't have kids, when I thought we were gonna have kids, I was like, I need to be fluent in Greek. But now at this point, but now that the translator devices are taking a lot longer than anybody would have expected. And I really enjoy it and for that I would definitely get a coach.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  Yes. Here's the thing I've learned about, for 20 years. I want to learn Spanish. It's been like something, one of these things that's been like pulling me, right? And every year at the end of the year, I analyze like, or assess the year and say, what am I proud of? And what's the thing that I didn't do that I wanted to do? The last 20 years has been Spanish. And I'm always like, well, they can get a translator, you can do this. And now it's like the apps and you take a photo and it translates for all this stuff. And I'm like, yeah, but it doesn't mean I'm not proud of myself. And I'm not building a new skill for myself. Like I'm taking the easy way out, not this bad or wrong, but I know. And this thing still is pulling me to like, learn this thing. And that's why last year I was just like, you know what? I need to find a coach that I can pay in advance,

• 56:50Speaker 01

  that I show up for, I scheduled in my calendar for the next six months, next year. And this becomes part of my daily practice.

• 56:58Tom Bilyeu?

  Do you do it in person or over Zoom?

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Zoom, yeah. I mean, I started during the pandemic and she was in Peru, but you know, I think in person is always the best.

• 57:05Tom Bilyeu?

  There is a name for a certain type of learning that somebody will drop into the YouTube comments. I forget what it's called, but it's where they do stuff like, so this should all be in Spanish. Remember Louis to smile and to shake hands and, and they do the thing. And there's like, there, there is a name for that type of language.

• 57:23Speaker 01

  An aesthetic learning or something.

• 57:24Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, something like that. I cannot find anybody that does it in Greek. There for a while I was going really hard because I was like, oh my God, if I could find something. Cause the, the guy does an example in German. And I was like, I speak exactly zero words of German. And you feel like you understand him when he's talking because he's moving so much. And when he says pencil, he holds up a pencil and all this stuff. And I was like, oh my God, this is so weird. You realize how much of the communication is the, the tactile stuff, the way that we move our hands and look at each other. And I thought, oh man, I would kill right about now for that. But I can't find somebody in Greek that does it.

• 57:56Speaker 01

  Someone needs to put it in the comments below. But for me, it's like, this might take five or 10 years for me to be fluent. It's going to be probably one of like.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  The longest things I've wanted to learn, like, cause it's been twenty years and I, every year I try to like do a lesson and I get the apps and I download the book and all these things and it just, and I stop because it gets really hard. And other things become more important or there's whatever business, it's like your health, relationship. And I was like, if I die in twenty years and I'm not fluent in Spanish, would I be proud of myself? And I was just like, no. So I'm like, what am I doing?

• 58:28Tom Bilyeu?

  Dude, I love that intro of this, I won't be proud of myself. So, talk to me, cause I, I feel in our industry, whatever that is. There is this notion of just tell yourself that you love yourself and you'll love yourself. And I think you actually have to do things to earn your respect.

• 58:41Speaker 01

  A hundred percent. You gotta do things every day. I mean, you gotta do hard things every day to earn your respect. I can't just show up on a couch and do nothing and be like happy with myself. I've gotta contribute to society in some way. I'm gonna contribute to family, friends. That's what makes it meaningful. And you're never inspired by the person that said, oh, he sat on this couch all day and did nothing, but he lived a comfortable life. So we should respect that. For me, okay, it's respectable, you're alive, you existed, but what did you contribute? How did you multiply your talents to serve something, something greater than you, or someone greater than you, or something?

• 59:17Speaker 01

  And so for me, I don't wanna, I wanna be proud of myself. I wanna be proud of the things I say and following through on those things and being integral with myself. I wanna be proud of the work that I create, the creativity I express, how I treat and take care of my body, how I take care and treat other people. I wanna be proud of those things at the end of the day. Because, I don't know, that's just what's like meaningful to me, it's fulfilling. And I know Spanish, learning Spanish. Will not only make me proud just to have this skill, but I'll be able to relate to five hundred million more people.

• 59:50Tom Bilyeu?

  So I'm saying, especially in LA, man.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  And I'm like, what could I do? How many more people could I help by having that skill? One, I'll be proud of myself, but also be able to contribute to more people and I'll be able to understand more people. I won't need a translator, I won't need an app. I'll be able to just instantly understand and relate better. Not perfectly, but better. And I feel like, man, I'll be so proud of myself to just be able to have a conversation with someone, understand them, and then be able to help them in some way. That would be worth it for me. Like the years of practice and work and effort. Just to know I was able to develop a skill that was hard. That took me 20 years to get started and finally commit. I could die like a happy person, knowing if I did that with every part of my life.

• 1:00:35Tom Bilyeu?

  I love that.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:38Tom Bilyeu?

  I want to end with asking you again, your question. I think I've asked every time that we've been together. What is your definition of greatness?

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  I feel like I gotta get it more succinct every time.

• 1:00:48Tom Bilyeu?

  No, I love that you think through it in real time.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  Discovering your unique talents and gifts to pursue your dreams. And in that pursuit, making the maximum impact on the people around you. That's greatness.

• 1:01:03Tom Bilyeu?

  That's pretty dope. My man, Lewis Howes.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  Appreciate you, bro.

• 1:01:06Tom Bilyeu?

  Thank you so much for being here, dude. This is wonderful. Guys, I have to assume at this point that you are already following Lewis and everything that he does. But if you're not, please do. The man has written multiple bestselling books. He's got an incredible podcast, YouTube channel, Instagram, all of the above. It's absolutely amazing. He is a wonderful human being on and off camera. I can attest that behind the scenes, he is actually living the way that he presents himself, which is wonderful. Yeah, you won't regret any time that you spend with him. And speaking of things he won't regret, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  Whether we go after big dreams or do nothing, we're gonna be judged.

• 1:01:47Speaker 01

  Either way, if we sit on a couch all day, our parents and our friends are gonna be, you're lazy. Do something with your life. If we go chase after the most audacious dreams we have, a lot of people are gonna attack us and try to bring us down. So we might as well go do something with our lives and say thank you for the feedback and move on.

• 1:02:06Tom Bilyeu?

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