Summer Fridays: How to find “your thing” (or your many things) (w/ Constance Hockaday) (re-release)

Some people are born knowing exactly what they want to do with their life – and because of that, they’re able to get to the top of their field. But most of us have multiple passions and identities, making it difficult to visualize our own unique paths. So, how do we explore who we are and what we love to do in our careers and in our lives? This week, guest & TED Fellow Constance Hockaday helps us navigate and voice our deepest hopes and desires. She walks us through her perspective as an artist, what she’s learned from immersing herself into small and sometimes very isolated communities, and gives tips on how to find liberation by pursuing your passion. (This episode originally aired in 2024.) Vote for our show in the Signal Awards for Best Advice & How To https://vote.signalaward.com/PublicVoting#/2026/shows/genre/advice-how-to podcast! For the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/BHTranscripts https://go.ted.com/BHTranscripts Fill out our survey at bit.ly/BHSurvey6 https://bit.ly/BHSurvey6 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hi there, Better Human listeners. Really quick, before we get to our episode, you would be doing me a huge favor and really helping out our show if you could take a moment to fill out our listener survey at bit.ly/BHSurvey6. That's B-I-T dot L-Y slash B-H-Survey six. You can also find a link that you can just click directly on, which is in our show description. Wherever you're listening to this, look at the episode description and at the bottom, there's a link that you can click directly. Please tell us what is resonating with you, what you want more of, what you'd like to see changed, topics you would like to see covered. Your honest feedback means the world to us. It just takes a few seconds of your time and it would really help us to improve the show and have future seasons be even better.

• 0:43Speaker 00

  Thank you. It means a lot to me and to the team that makes the show. Thanks for listening and thanks for taking a few seconds to do the listener survey. Now, onto the episode. Hey, everyone. Thanks for listening to How to Be a Better Human. This summer, we're doing something special. We're calling it Better Human Summer Fridays. And every Friday this summer, we are going to be dropping a special episode on the feed, pulled straight from the How to Be a Better Human archive. These are conversations that I loved and that our team loved, and we think a lot of you may have never heard, and we think they deserve another moment in the sun. So we're giving them that literal moment in the sun here in the summertime. This show has grown a lot over the years. So this is our way of making sure that if you found us recently, you're not missing out on one of the conversations that I am still thinking about, sometimes years later. And if you are a day one Better Human listener, well, first of all,

• 1:28Speaker 00

  thank you. Thanks for listening for all these years. And I hope that you will enjoy this trip back into our archive, back into some of the best conversations that we've had in the past. So let's get into it. Here's Better Human Summer Fridays.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  You're listening to How to Be a Better Human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy. Because of the nature of this show, where it's an interview with mostly just one person, we tend to feature a lot of people who have very clear ideas about what they do and who they are. They've accomplished something big and they're here to share about it. And that's great. And I think there's a lot to learn from people who are so focused. But I've been thinking about how that can also skew our understanding about what's normal. Because most of us don't have just one thing that we've always known was our thing. There's only so many people who can be like, I'm the world's most talented base jumper. In fact, there's only one person who can say that, and they're probably currently throwing themselves off a cliff right now. The rest of us juggle a bunch of

• 2:27Speaker 00

  identities all at once, or we might be fuzzy on exactly what it is that we want to devote our free time or our careers to. We might not know what our identity exactly is. For a lot of us, it can feel like our thing is just getting through the day. And that's why I think that today's guest is really special. Constance Hockaday helps people to come up with new visions of leadership and success to strive for. But she also helps broaden ideas about what your thing can be. And she's doing it for everyone, not just the single-minded, passionate, sense-birth type people. I also love that Connie is still figuring this out for herself. She describes herself in a lot of different ways and how she sees herself professionally and personally is always evolving.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Here's a clip from her TED Talk.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  I work in organizational and leadership development, and I'm an artist. I believed artists are leaders in expressing things that humankind often doesn't know how to say yet. So that's why I invited a bunch of artists to do a leadership makeover. They wrote public addresses. They made leadership portraits. I call them the artists in presidents. Since 2020, over 70 artists and presidents have contributed to the digital archive. They're North American, indigenous, international, and stateless. They're artists with disabilities. They're queer. They made beautiful attempts at embodying inclusive performances of leadership and

• 3:59Speaker 01

  power. Some sung, others looked to repair the past, one person used artificial intelligence to write her speech, and one person just straight up wrote a curse. And so many more. But what really surprised me was that a lot of us struggled to say something new, to articulate what we want with authority.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  We're going to talk with Connie a lot about that struggle to say something new and how to articulate what it is that we want. But first, we're going to articulate some podcast ads. Don't go anywhere.

• 4:45Speaker 02

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• 5:21Speaker 00

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• 6:07Speaker 00

  We're here with Constance Hockaday, talking about art, organization, and figuring out who the heck you are.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Hi, I'm Constance Hockaday. Most people call me Connie. I have a really hard time introducing myself at parties because some weird things have come together in this life that make me who I am. I'm an artist. I make large-scale public interventions, usually socially engaged artwork. And I also work in organizational development and leadership development. So that means I'm a facilitator, a coach, a mediator, a culture builder. Yeah, that's who I am.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  I think it's really fascinating how you have all these different parts of yourself. And you've had a career where you've reinvented yourself a bunch of different times. And I think when I talk to people in the real world, one of the biggest questions they have is about like figuring out who they are and like, what are they going to do next? And what, what is their passion? It's less about like, how do I accomplish my passion? More like, what is it? So I wonder how you think about those questions? Because you have had this life of an artist, and you've had a corporate job, and you've been a speaker and a leader in all these different things. How do you think about it for yourself?

• 7:22Speaker 01

  At moments, there is like, the clouds break and there's a clearing of vision of like, oh, yeah, all of that stuff is me and lives inside of me. And all of that stuff supports the other stuff, right? It's all the same expression. It's all my expression. But it's really hard. I grew up in a house, middle-class family with, you know, my mother is an immigrant from Chile. My dad is like a good old boy Texan. And, you know, I grew up like with the expectation that I would go to college and that I would become a professional, hopefully one

• 8:05Speaker 01

  that could support my parents in their old age, right? Like, doctor, lawyer, architect, you would be such an amazing artist. You know, my dad, even in my early twenties, was sending me books on like, social marketing, you know, just like trying to get me to like, think about a job. And it, but, but I've never done that. I really have never been able to do that. And that doesn't mean that I haven't tried and that it hasn't kind of been a painful struggle the whole time, you know?

• 8:33Speaker 00

  I think all of this is interesting because it also in your work, I a lot of times have seen your artwork as causing us to have opportunities to think differently about maybe the goals that we have, or what society tells us we're supposed to want. A lot of your projects play with those ideas of like, what it means to be prepared, or what it means to be successful. Those are themes that it seems like you explore in your work.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  So I grew up in South Texas. My grandfather was the only doctor and one of the first mayors of this like tiny little town that I grew up in. My father Is a marine biologist and he's also a sportsman and he also was in the Coast Guard. So hanging out with him was a lot about how to survive a shipwreck. Basically, like all of our activities were if you get fatigued offshore, like do this dead man's float and rotate back and forth so you don't get sunburned. Like I had to wear a whistle around my neck so that if I got hurt, I could blow the whistle and he could come and get me. Like if you land on a sandy shore from a shipwreck, like dig a hole in the sand and

• 9:42Speaker 01

  the fresh water will rise up and you can drink the fresh water off of the sand. And so he really did teach me a lot about how to survive, so many things. But I don't feel like I ever learned how to get on the ship in the first place. Like I wasn't taught, you know, what ship did I want to get on? How was I going to get on it? That set me up for this kind of weird paradox where I believed that there were shipwrecks in my future and that I had what I needed to survive this extraordinary thing, but I didn't know how to get onto the extraordinary thing to begin with. So, you know, what happened was is that I was expected to go away and go to college in the big, big city, you know? And when I got there, I was really, really, it was very depressing to me.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Like the options that were in front of me were all so, so boring. And I got pretty depressed. I figured out that I was queer. I like to say like, I didn't even know what queer was, you know, until Ellen DeGeneres came out on television when I was like 15 years old. And so I just couldn't hang like I, I dropped out of college. I ended up back in my small little hometown, like renting umbrellas on the beach, really just totally lost. Then one day I went over the bridge and I, I saw these floating structures and there were these people living on rafts.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  That spectacle in the image of it, I can see that you are disturbing the entire order of things here. It's a different life and I, I just didn't have access to a lot of images like that, you know, growing up where I did.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  I feel like that's often one of the biggest things about finding who you want to be or your own path is just even understanding what is possible. Sometimes you have to have like a vision of what it could look like before you even imagine it for yourself. And that, that for you, it sounds like was the floating neutrinos. Can you explain what the floating neutrinos are and who they are?

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, the floating neutrinos are a group of psycho spiritual warriors who live on homemade rafts. They've lived on homemade rafts for decades. They raised their children on rafts and the idea being that a raft is a place that you can live on the water that is rent free. So on the water, there are different set of laws, like maritime laws, kind of in short allows you to own the space that you're occupying in any given moment because it's a moving landscape, right? You can't, nobody can claim a part of the water. It's always moving.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  And so the floating neutrinos were on, on a, a journey to, to find liberation, like a spiritual journey. And the rafts were a tool basically to get out from underneath like rent and the boss and whatever, so that they could own their own time and have freedom of movement. They also had beyond the spectacle, a lot of very practical, beautiful teachings and information that, that I took from that relationship.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  And, and this is a, a group that you've spent a lot of time with and very much influenced by. And then something that's interesting to me is, you know, you've lived in that world and you spent, you spent a lot of time in organizational development too. So you've been in these like very corporate spaces where people aren't, you know, psycho spiritual warriors maybe as much, or maybe they are. Like I'm curious to hear how you, how you see those two worlds combining or?

• 13:20Speaker 01

  I mean, it's all world building. It's all world and culture building. Living in community in small spaces, you know, especially small spaces that are in motion. I did it with the floating neutrinos. I did it with Swoon on Swoon, Swimming Cities projects. I did it in my own projects, like, and being a leader in that space, the stakes are very, very high. There's a lot to manage and a lot of group process and a lot of people aligning. I tell executives this all the time, especially when I'm leading like, you know, their leadership retreats or something. I'm just like, working with you guys is so much easier than being an artist.

• 14:05Speaker 01

  This is a breeze compared to, compared to like crossing the Adriatic Sea with like a bunch of fabricators and performance artists and trying to get everybody on the same page and dealing with all the interpersonal dynamics and like helping people understand how we're going to deal with when we land at the Venice Biennale or whatever it is, right? So it is all world building. It's all culture building. It's a lot of interpersonal communication, a lot of group process and facilitation. And, and I think corporations, especially like mission driven corporations, but any corporation, like there's a vision that we're trying to move towards, right?

• 14:48Speaker 01

  There is a higher power, if you, if you want to call it that. And it's that vision, it's that higher power that, that will ultimately, if you can cultivate enough belief in it, enough credibility in the thing that you're moving towards, people's behaviors conform to that, that higher power that we're all committing ourselves to. So in that sense, like, I don't think that corporations are without spirit and I may, I may regret saying that someday, but like right now, I, I think that moving a bunch of people in a direction towards something that maybe has never existed before, like

• 15:31Speaker 01

  especially businesses that are trying to make the world a better place, whatever, like it takes a certain amount of, of spirit, of life force and believing and, and discipline around how we work together. And, and those are, are not very different qualities of living in an intentional community on a raft or, or creating a large art project in public space.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  All right, everybody, hold on to your rafts because we are about to take a quick break and then we will be right back with more from Connie.

• 16:13Speaker 00

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• 18:27Speaker 00

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• 19:10Speaker 00

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• 19:19Speaker 00

  We're talking with Connie Hockaday about how to figure out who we are and what we want to do. And Connie's not just someone who helps other people do that. She's also figuring those things out for herself as a lifelong process. Here's another clip from Connie's TED Talk.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  When I was in my early twenties, I met Captain Betsy. I was queer, depressed, feeling totally alone in my tiny South Texas town on the Gulf of Mexico. And by the time Betsy landed in my town, she had been living on homemade rafts for decades with a group called the Floating Neutrinos. She had captained over a dozen rafts, including one across the Atlantic Ocean. So obviously, I was very taken by this, not because I wanted to permanently live on a raft, but because I wanted to believe in an extraordinary life. And Betsy

• 20:14Speaker 01

  was the first person to ever ask me what it is that I wanted. So in my life, Betsy modeled for me what it meant to articulate my desires. And in lending her faith to me, she was also giving it back to herself.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  So in the TED Talk, you talk about Captain Betsy as someone who really influenced you and was a mentor to you. And one of the tools that Captain Betsy taught you was this concept of the three deepest desires. Can you explain that concept and talk about what you found by doing it?

• 20:43Speaker 01

  It's one of the most important things that's ever happened to me. Basically, they were the first people to ever ask me what it is that I wanted from this life. And no one had ever asked me what I wanted. And I didn't believe that I could live the life that I wanted to live outside of what I understood was what you were supposed to do, right? Get a job, like whatever. And it really, really kind of sent me into meltdown mode. Like, I would cry because I couldn't authentically connect to a feeling of desire for this life that was truly mine. And Betsy would be like, "Look, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter." Like, she's like, "You just have to want it," you know? And so, the idea of the three

• 21:27Speaker 01

  deepest desires is this exercise of defining what it is you authentically desire for this life. And they become kind of like guideposts. And the game is very much like, "Okay, you're gonna die. We're gonna die. And you could die tomorrow. What is one thing that you need to do before you die? What is one thing that you desire before you die?" And once you could answer that question, what's the second thing that you want, need, desire before you die? And the idea of the threes is that if you are singularly focused in this life, and something gets in your way, you're sort of thwarted, right? And if it's

• 22:08Speaker 01

  two things, then you create this polarity or this binary that is unresolvable. And so if you have sort of three guideposts, three desires in this life that are pulling you forward, then you're not stuck in that binary or in that singular thinking. And so, we use the three deepest desires as, I guess, it's like a calibration tool. It's a decision-making tool. It is a way of balancing and orienting oneself. And it's a practice. And so, when Betsy's saying, "It doesn't matter what you say," when you come back tomorrow and ask yourself this again, you may be able to find a deeper and deeper feeling of an articulation of desire. And so, it's a lifetime practice. And then you

• 22:53Speaker 01

  realize, like, "Oh, wait, I think something has changed in me." And you can reevaluate, like, what has changed? How has my desire shifted? But the point of all of this is, like, you could die tomorrow, and so you better be living your life guided by the things that you care about the most, and not mortgaging your present for some, like, future that may never come, right?

• 23:14Speaker 00

  I'm curious how often yours shifts. Like, how often do your three deepest desires change? Or are they kind of stable over long periods of time?

• 23:22Speaker 01

  Well, in the beginning, they were ridiculous. Like, I mean, not to be mean to myself or anything, but like, you know, the first desire I was ever really able to articulate was so weird. I was like, "I want to see a waterfall," you know? Like, because I grew up in a really flat place, you know, whatever. I wanted to see a waterfall and, like, fall in love or something, you know? But at this point, you know, they have stayed really stable. And it's moved away from, like, "I want to see a thing, do a thing, have a thing," and it's moved more into, "I want to embody a thing." So today, my three deepest desires

• 24:05Speaker 01

  are to have a home. And what I mean by that is a relationship with a place that I feel stewardship over. The second one is to live in creative community. So it's a feeling that I'm identifying right now that isn't going to be perfectly articulated, I think, in this moment, but it's a feeling of living outside of nuclear family and in play and

• 24:44Speaker 01

  improvisation with people. And the last one is sort of like a service role. It's like, in the past, I've called it, like, being a teacher of hope. Hope's not the right word, but it's the closest one. It's like a teacher of change, of possibility.

• 25:08Speaker 00

  I love those.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Felt pretty honest. Go ahead. What are yours?

• 25:12Speaker 00

  And this is the first time I've ever done this. So tell me if I'm either dodging it or need to be more precise or something.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Okay. So what I want you to do is picture yourself in your life and hold the reality that you could die tomorrow. You could die next month. You don't know how long you have in this life. But you have the opportunity to do one thing, find one thing, be one thing before you die. What do you desire?

• 25:49Speaker 00

  The first thing for sure is to make sure that the people who I love know that I love them. To express that and to make it be felt and seen. You know, I'm in this moment where, as we're recording this, my wife and I are about to have our first kid. And so, like, wanting her to know how much I love her, wanting my family to know how much I love and I'm grateful for them, wanting my friends and community to know that, and also, like, this baby who is not yet there, wanting that baby to, like, start life, understanding how much I love and care for them, is like, the most important thing, by far.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  That's so beautiful. Okay. Because you were brave and honest about the thing you really desire, you now have the opportunity to choose one more thing. And after you complete this thing, you die.

• 26:50Speaker 00

  You know, I'm working on this book. That's the biggest project that I've ever worked on, and the most long-term of a project. And it feels like, I think if I do it honestly, and if I actually don't try and think about, like, what other people will think, but just put myself into it, I think it'll be the first time that all these different things that I've worked on that feel so disparate come together. And so, I think having this out there in a way that I'm proud of, that feels like, that's something I really want to have in the world before I die, for sure.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Awesome. Okay. So, and now you have a third.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  I'll be honest about what is coming into my head, which is that I have a friend here in Los Angeles. Her name is Maureen. She's about to become 102. And I just have so much fun spending time with her. And I really enjoy her. And partly, you know, because of the nature of being 102, I feel like I'm like, I want to spend as much time with Maureen as I can to, like, really get all my mo time in. And that feels really important, too.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  I love that. I mean, it's not about me, but I do love that.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Okay. So now that you have these three deepest desires, you could, if you wanted to, you could write them down. I like to draw a triangle. We call them your triad. So you could...

• 28:21Speaker 00

  Mmm.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  Or, it is how people use values, or how, you know, especially in, like, leadership development, we talk about values and living your values, right? So, yeah. So that is how you... And it's also important, I think, for your wife and the people that you love to understand that that is what is driving you forward, where your heart really is. Because at the core of our relationships, at least for me, it's that we help each other get what the other wants. The first thing we come together around is supporting each other in our three deepest desires.

• 29:05Speaker 00

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• 32:01Speaker 00

  Something that I'm really, is really striking me right now is the idea of it being three, right? The idea of not one, not this one singular goal or this, you know, kind of binary two, but instead there being three things. But one thing that it makes me think about is a lot of times when I talk to people who are not artists but want to be, something that really holds them back is this idea of like, but how will I make money? And the idea that art is only valuable if it is your day job. And something that I've found is that, you know, it not being the one thing, this is where the idea of the three comes in for me, is that like, it actually often, I make better work when I'm not necessarily trying to think about like,

• 32:46Speaker 00

  how is my artistic creative work going to make money? But like, I'm going to take care of the money in some other way. And then I'm just free to do this. And then I also have, you know, things that are satisfying personally in other ways too. So like, that idea of spreading the pressure out rather than having it so singularly focused often really unlocks a lot of creativity for me and freedom to be creative. But I think people often think that that's, it like, doesn't count. Like, if that's not what you declare on your taxes, then you're not really an artist.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. I had that problem for a while too, I have to admit. And I think that if we're not honest about the constellations that, that we're sort of navigating by, we can get like really lost and sick. If, for example, you are workaholic, even if you are an artist and it's what you declare on your taxes, and it's the only thing that you care about, you may lose a chance at having a family or having intimacy or having a sense of belonging. And so it's always going to be a constellation.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Like, those tensions, those competing values are always going to be there. It's, it's how we balance and hold space for all of the things that are actually driving us forward. And when we can name them, then they won't come out sideways somewhere else, you know? Does that make sense?

• 34:14Speaker 00

  Absolutely. Oh, yeah. So can you tell us about the projects that you've worked on in the past and also what you're working on right now? If anything?

• 34:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:21Speaker 00

  For people who can't see, we're talking to you and you are sitting in your studio right now. Like, that's where we're talking to you, the physical space.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. So my art practice, you know, thanks to the floating neutrinos, a lot of it was born, a lot of it was like waterborne. Waterborne, I called them waterborne coping strategies. Like, the work was very much about water as a public space, water as a place that is what I like to call fast land, space that functions under a different set of laws where we can hopefully find like a relationship to the natural world around us, like a voice, a voice for things that are not able to be expressed on land, blah, blah, blah. So it's convoluted. This is also very hard for me to explain at parties when they're like, what kind of artist are you?

• 35:13Speaker 01

  I'm like, oh, God. So, one, here, I'll just, examples. One time I built a hotel, a floating hotel out of a bunch of boats that were going to get sent to the dump. It was in Jamaica Bay, Queens, right off the A train. It was a bunch of boats offshore and I rented them out like hotel rooms. And there was a stage in the middle and, you know, over 5,000 people came to the motel over a period of a summer. And it was all about like creating this temporary infrastructure that gave New Yorkers access to their largest public space, which is the water and, and which they have very little, like, designated access to.

• 35:55Speaker 01

  And this project, like others, is, there's this idea that like the infrastructure of our cities can create our deepest ideas and beliefs about ourselves and where we can and can't put our body, right? So if there's not a staircase that goes straight from, from the city into the water, it's going to be really hard for us to imagine that the water is a place for our body. And as opposed to like in Santa Cruz where there are staircases that go straight into these crazy crashing waves and people are walking down them with their children, right? To go jump in and go surfing. And so then I created a floating peep show. So there were a bunch of queer performance spaces and queer spaces in San Francisco that were all kind of shuttered around the same time.

• 36:40Speaker 01

  And so I invited people who were performers in those spaces to, to create a peep show inside the hulls of a bunch of different sailboats. And so we had this situation where these audience members were coming and they were either friends, you know, friends are associated with the working class sailors that had lent me their sailboats, or they were friends or associated with a bunch of drag queens and sex workers. And so they were all sort of in this floating landscape together, experiencing these performances inside the hulls of boats. That's sort of like a taste of the water works. Like, I've also moved into a few other spaces, like really around this idea of preparedness, American ideas of survival, disaster, and the future.

• 37:23Speaker 01

  Those were installations usually in, inside art, art spaces at the Headland Center for the Arts or, and that kind of veers into what I'm working on right now, which I call Disaster Furniture Showroom. So Disaster Furniture Showroom is a furniture store, you know, on the street. And you go inside and it's only like finely crafted furniture that is, is responding to people's ideas or fears about the coming future. And so for me, that's about overriding our normalcy bias. Like, we have a normalcy bias that everything is, is normal.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  And it's really hard for us to conceptually wrap our heads around this slow motion disaster of climate change. And oftentimes it takes like practice or physical signals to get us out of our normalcy bias, which is why we do things like fire drills. And so I want to create furniture for people's homes. It's like a disaster preparedness side table, like a headboard that holds the ceiling up in case of an earthquake, you know, like that type of thing. And I imagine it being like, maybe even slightly like ASMR sort of sensual experience of like peace and calm that you walk into. And then the, the salespeople are performers that are, that are bringing you into this conversation

• 38:45Speaker 01

  about what you fear about the future and how you're responding to that fear so that you're not just stuck in this loop of like laying in your bed at night with that anxiety about what's going to happen, what's going to happen, but never actually taking any action towards it.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  It's also a great example of like how a sense of humor or a good joke can make us see that like, the object is absurd in a way, but also the way that we live in our normal life is even more absurd to pretend that this won't happen.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, totally.

• 39:14Speaker 00

  You talked about how when you first engaged with the floating neutrinos, it was a time when you were like figuring out yourself and you didn't even like know in some ways about the possibility of queerness. And I, I feel like this is one of the things that is...

• 39:32Speaker 00

  So important about, you know, questioning structures around gender identity, around sexual identity, is that like, the boxes don't actually fit anyone. There's no one who is just this one set thing that society has kind of like built in expectation of. That's not true for anyone, regardless of how they identify. You always have to figure out like, who am I? And what does this look like for myself? And who do I want to be with? And what does that relationship look like? Or is there a relationship, right? The more that we get away from like, the set ideas of this is the one way things are, the more that everyone is forced to reconcile with who they actually are and what they actually want.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  In some ways, our identity, there is also sort of a set of ready-made identities on the wall, masks that we grab and we put on. And we're like, oh, I'm this option, I'm that option. Right? And those masks show up in all parts of our lives, like in our, in our sexualities, in our gender expressions, in the way we show up as parents, in the way we show up as leaders, as neighbors, like whatever, we, we choose, or we are attached, whether we realize or not, to certain identities or certain masks. And sometimes that stuff gets mixed up, you know, and you, you believe that to show up as a

• 40:48Speaker 01

  parent, you have to show up with this mask on. But who you really are, and what you truly desire will come out sideways. Just like my queerness will come out sideways if I'm to wear a different mask, or the type of leader that you're trying to be. If you're wearing some inherited mask of like, white, male performances of power, but that isn't really what you are, what your community needs, it will come out sideways. And so I guess that's another way to bring it back to like, the importance of, of owning your authentic self, you know?

• 41:28Speaker 00

  Well, Connie, it has been truly, it has been such a pleasure talking to you. I'm so glad we were able to make this happen. And thank you so much for being here on the show.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  Thank you. I loved that.

• 41:42Speaker 00

  That is it for today's episode of How to Be a Better Human. Thank you so much to today's guest, Connie Hockaday. I am your host, Chris Duffy, and you can find more from me, including my weekly newsletter and other projects at ChrisDuffyComedy.com. How to Be a Better Human is brought to you on the TED side by Daniela Balarezzo, Ben Ben Chang, Chloe Shasha Brooks, and Joseph DeBryan, who are all currently living together on an art raft. This episode was fact checked by Julia Dickerson and Matthias Salas, whose three deepest desires all involve easily verifiable facts. On the PRX side, our show is put together by a team who are working in a floating hotel off the coast of Manhattan, Morgan Flannery, Norgil, Patrick Grant, and Jocelyn Gonzalez. And of course, thanks to you for listening to our show and making this all possible. If you are listening on Apple, please leave us a five star

• 42:26Speaker 00

  rating and review. And if you're listening on Spotify, we would love to hear your thoughts. We put a discussion question up on the mobile app. Let us know what you think. We will be back next week with even more How to Be a Better Human. Thanks again. And I hope that your raft stays seaworthy.

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