Help She’s Eating A Kebab Out Of My Anus | And Jordan’s Moonlanding

William Hanson had a brush with death this week, coming dangerously close to a full knockout on his way to the airport. Meanwhile, Jordan North has discovered Spain’s finest cleaning products and decided they’re better than any aftershave money can buy. Plus, the boys tackle your burning dilemmas, including delivery drivers doing a poo, whether you should surrender your bed to a guest, and oral explorations of untraditonal zones. -- Want more Sexted in your life? Join Help I Sexted My Boss Out Of Office for exclusive episodes every WEDNESDAY on Patreon! Just head to sextedmyboss.com/patreon -- Want MORE Help I Sexted My Boss?: https://sextedmyboss.komi.io/ -- FOLLOW Jordan North Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jordannorth1 William Hanson Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/williamhansonetiquette TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@williamhansonetiquette If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike, and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Hi everyone, it's Katie Couric. And on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households. Yet, many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs. Ask a financial

• 1:14Speaker 01

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• 1:29Speaker 02

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• 2:04Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sextred My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life. Answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, when is the correct age to stop calling a young man master? And how do you stop your co-host from being jealous about not having pantry muffs, darling? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually like an answer, are we? William Hanson.

• 2:29Speaker 03

  No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more out on the lash, you're more corned beef hash. That's from Sam.

• 2:34Speaker 04

  I've not had corned beef hash for ages, and I'm gonna make it this week, I think.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  Are you?

• 2:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, for my tea. I'm gonna have it for my tea. Do you know what come round is? Yeah, girl. You're the only other person in my life that's not family that appreciates my corned beef hash. Everyone else dreads it.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  Well, yeah. Have you had his corned beef hash, though?

• 2:55Speaker 04

  I've had Izzy's, but she's not had mine.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  A lot of people think that's true.

• 3:00Speaker 04

  Kelly Van Ooges had my corned beef hash. I know she had my mum's as well.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  Did she? Did she have both of yours?

• 3:05Speaker 04

  I had, I made it, then my mum made it.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  Isn't she lucky?

• 3:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  Lucky, lucky, lucky. Right, I'll do the G and D.

• 3:15Speaker 03

  There we go. Just, thank you for keeping the...

• 3:19Speaker 04

  Do you want me to do the gin?

• 3:20Speaker 03

  You could do the gin, yes.

• 3:21Speaker 04

  This looks like the Empire State Building.

• 3:24Speaker 03

  It looks more like the Chrysler Building, I think is the one you're thinking of.

• 3:26Speaker 04

  Sorry.

• 3:27Speaker 03

  Sorry. Just get your New York corrections correct.

• 3:32Speaker 04

  Ooh, you've had a good week. I'll trust the fart with you. Have you put gin in?

• 3:38Speaker 03

  No, you're doing that.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  Can't get that down.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  Right, thank you. This week's toast goes out to Bethan from her husband Troy in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, United States.

• 3:47Speaker 04

  Minnesota.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Hello, William and Jordan. I'm writing on behalf of my wonderful wife of 12 years. She is a big fan of the show. My wife, Bethan, is my best friend, an amazing wife, an incredible mother, 12, seven-year-old son. And I can honestly say the smartest, kindest, and most thoughtful person I have ever known, and I'm beyond honoured to be her partner. In addition to that, she is a great gift giver. I, on the other hand, struggle sometimes, so this year she asked me for what she wanted, and I'm hoping you could help me out. Her birthday is coming up on the 14th of November, and she would be over the moon if you would be willing to send her a toast for her birthday. Thank you so very much. Well, one month to go. Happy birthday, Bethan.

• 4:24Speaker 04

  Happy birthday, Bethan, Minnesota.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  From Troy.

• 4:27Speaker 04

  From Troy. Where's my water, please? Did you go and fill it up?

• 4:31Speaker 03

  I did fill up your water bottle. I think you left it on your dressing table.

• 4:34Speaker 04

  Look at that. How well-trained are them lot? All three of them went up to get that, then.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  That's nice.

• 4:40Speaker 04

  We're doing, do you know what? You lot are doing really well.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  God, that gin's strong.

• 4:44Speaker 04

  Thank you. Thank you.

• 4:48Speaker 03

  Thank you, Izzy. I mean, you didn't do anything for me, but thank you, Izzy, anyway.

• 4:51Speaker 04

  Thank you, Izzy. Did you see them all move, then?

• 4:53Speaker 03

  I did. They flinched, really. It was more of a flinch, actually, than a move.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  Fear, that's what you need.

• 4:58Speaker 03

  Yes, maybe it's...

• 4:59Speaker 04

  Not this happy go, oh, we're like a family here, shit. Fear keeps them on the toes.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  Okay, well, agree to disagree.

• 5:07Speaker 04

  I'm joking.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  I know. No, I just felt for balance. Let's just talk about, you're going full moustache now.

• 5:14Speaker 04

  So I'm growing my hair out.

• 5:15Speaker 03

  Right.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  Okay, so my hair at the moment, so I'm not got my fade, right? And it's bugging me, but I've got to stick with it. So I've got a bit of a sideburn going on. I'm just gonna get, just gonna grow the sides out a bit. Bit Jacob Elordi type thing.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  Jacob Rees-Mogg, actually, I thought.

• 5:32Speaker 04

  Eve at all. So I'm like trying to, basically, I can't go to the hairdresser and get fade, which I usually get.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  But can I, why does your hair affect your moustache?

• 5:41Speaker 04

  Well, then I'm just go, well, I just think I'm, the moustache got a lot of love, so it might just be an autumn thing now.

• 5:48Speaker 03

  And then it'll be a winter thing.

• 5:49Speaker 04

  Well, no.

• 5:50Speaker 03

  And it'll be a spring thing. Okay.

• 5:53Speaker 04

  Just letting it grow. Should see me arse.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  See your?

• 5:57Speaker 04

  Just letting everything grow.

• 5:59Speaker 03

  Well, not everything.

• 6:01Speaker 04

  So, yeah, but I'm growing the sides, which is annoying, because it's the work and I can speak to people.

• 6:06Speaker 03

  You do, I mean, we all think about our hair a lot, but you do think about your hair. It's a sort of a bit of a preoccupation of yours, isn't it?

• 6:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think so.

• 6:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:13Speaker 04

  Do you know, when I watched back the Tory documentary on Patreon?

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Yes, very, very emotional at the end.

• 6:21Speaker 04

  Honestly, it's great. You can watch it on Patreon. The whole time, I was just thinking, my hair looks shit, my hair looks shit, my hair looks shit.

• 6:28Speaker 03

  Was that mullet era?

• 6:29Speaker 04

  Yeah. Why did you let me have that fucking mullet? What was I thinking?

• 6:33Speaker 03

  If only someone had said.

• 6:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I'm not gonna, why didn't you tell me? Like a right knob. My best part of a year, walking like a right dick. I'm joking, it wasn't that bad, but yeah.

• 6:46Speaker 03

  No, but I think I said at the time, I had seen you with better haircuts.

• 6:49Speaker 04

  Do you not like the moustache?

• 6:52Speaker 03

  Um, I just prefer, the trouble is, I don't do, I don't cope very well when people suddenly change something about their appearance. And I've known you for longer, where you just had your beard, and it was all a consistent sort of length, upper lip and cheek jowls, chins, that sort of thing. So when you then change that, I think my sort of slight equilibrium is put off. It's like if I came in with a skinhead or a nose ring, you'd go like, what are you doing?

• 7:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, you think it's odd.

• 7:20Speaker 04

  But I'd encourage you and your positive steps towards moving on in life.

• 7:24Speaker 03

  I don't need a nose ring.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  I think you do.

• 7:27Speaker 03

  Getting a nose ring at 37 is tragic.

• 7:29Speaker 04

  No, sorry if you've got a nose ring at 37 and you're listening. There'll be many people with nose rings. But anyway, what's been going on?

• 7:36Speaker 03

  All the bull community that listen to us.

• 7:39Speaker 04

  What's been going on? How's your week been?

• 7:40Speaker 03

  Well, I'm lucky to be alive.

• 7:42Speaker 04

  Oh, no, you've not been in hospital again.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  No.

• 7:46Speaker 04

  And go.

• 7:51Speaker 04

  That was on the phone, I could tell you were doing that. Are you okay? What's happened?

• 7:54Speaker 03

  Well, so as you know, I went over to Spain, and even before I left the house, well, I was leaving the house to get into my taxi. It was an early morning flight, obviously, because it's Spain. And I was going through, the taxi was waiting for me in the street, and I was going in between our car and next door's car. And next door is, we've got new neighbours, and they've now got a bike rack on the back of their car. And let me tell you, at 4am in the morning, when you're a bit tired, and this bike rack on a family-sized Mini SUV is basically at six foot, well, just under six foot height level, and I went whack into it, and went right into my eye, and I dropped to the floor and screamed. The Uber driver came out. I've got a reconstruction, if you would like to see the reconstruction.

• 8:39Speaker 04

  Oh my God. Also, why were you getting such an early flight? That's...

• 8:43Speaker 03

  Because it's Spain.

• 8:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, but you can, you can get like a 10, 11 o'clock flight.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  No, not, not from my airport.

• 8:48Speaker 04

  Why? I don't understand why people get... I used to, but now I'm just like, oh, I can get an extra couple of hours in bed. You end up spending more money at airport. You do. To save 30, 40 quid. Honestly, you spend just as much at airport.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  Press play on that.

• 9:03Speaker 04

  Oh, that.

• 9:08Speaker 04

  Fucking hell. It's like 999, that. Do you remember 999? You created your own, I mean, that. Joe, get this up on Carousel ASAP, love. So, were you crying?

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 9:25Speaker 04

  Did you, have you informed the neighbours?

• 9:27Speaker 03

  Have I informed the neighbours?

• 9:28Speaker 04

  It is quite lethal, that.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  Well, this is what I want to ask you. Should I sue?

• 9:33Speaker 04

  I mean.

• 9:35Speaker 03

  I think it's irresponsible to have a bike rack on the back of your car when you don't have bikes on it.

• 9:39Speaker 04

  You are a bit like Donald Trump. You do have a reputation for threatening to sue people.

• 9:43Speaker 03

  I don't have a reputation for threatening to sue people. I'm gonna sue you!

• 9:47Speaker 04

  Right, so, I mean, as I say, it's a costly thing. I maybe just pop round. You don't wanna get out and just be like, I actually do think it's quite.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  Well, they did take in my iron yesterday, so actually maybe it's not the time to do it.

• 9:59Speaker 04

  Have you ordered a new iron?

• 10:00Speaker 03

  No, we've had it serviced.

• 10:03Speaker 04

  What? Fucking hell.

• 10:05Speaker 03

  Well, because it's an ironing system. We've previously done tutorials.

• 10:07Speaker 04

  You have your iron serviced?

• 10:08Speaker 03

  Well, it's the first time it's been serviced in, well, since I got it.

• 10:12Speaker 04

  And what did they do?

• 10:14Speaker 03

  So they take it away, de-scale it inside, change, make, because it's a whole ironing system. Again, it's not just an iron. Um, yeah, and they've sort of dressed it up, given it a life.

• 10:24Speaker 04

  Your iron is better looked after than I look after myself.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  True.

• 10:27Speaker 04

  That's amazing. Um, no, I wouldn't sue them, but what happened then? Were you crying?

• 10:32Speaker 03

  The taxi driver got out and said, go and have a glass of water. So I did. I went back inside. I had like rubber, rubber marks on my eye.

• 10:41Speaker 04

  You are so dramatic.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  And, um.

• 10:44Speaker 04

  Did you actually fall to the floor?

• 10:45Speaker 03

  Literally fell to the floor. I hadn't had any coffee.

• 10:50Speaker 03

  I didn't see it coming because it's black rubber and it was, it was still dark and I didn't realise it was there.

• 10:56Speaker 04

  Oh, Mr Uber driver. Help me, please.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  And anyway, hello.

• 11:01Speaker 05

  Were you on your phone at the time?

• 11:02Speaker 03

  No, no, don't, don't, don't throw that at me, no. It might have been in my hand because I was checking the, I mean, I say checking the road, there's only one car pulled up in the street. It's obviously gonna be me.

• 11:12Speaker 04

  It's a lot getting up at 4am, taxi, don't it?

• 11:15Speaker 03

  It does, yes.

• 11:17Speaker 04

  So I feel for you. I can.

• 11:18Speaker 03

  In fact, I wasn't up at 4am, I left the house at 4am.

• 11:20Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 11:21Speaker 03

  Yes, got up at 3.30.

• 11:23Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 11:24Speaker 05

  Have you ever walked into a bike rack at half three in the morning, Jordan?

• 11:27Speaker 04

  I walked, can I just tell you, and not turn this into about me, but I have walked.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  Why break the habit of a lifetime?

• 11:34Speaker 04

  Fucking, honestly, it's so many things at that time. It's like, it's probably a weekly occurrence.

• 11:41Speaker 03

  Because do you have coffee before you leave the house?

• 11:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:43Speaker 03

  Oh, you do?

• 11:44Speaker 04

  I have a coffee every morning. I mean, I told you that.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  You do your little percolator thing?

• 11:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've got a drip machine, so as soon as I get up in the morning, I have a big coffee in my big Guinness cup. I go mad as well because I'm like so tismed about it. I'm like, where's my Guinness cup for tomorrow? It's like usually still in, still in the shower sometimes, but, um, I've trapped fingers in.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  Oh, well, we'll come back to that later.

• 12:05Speaker 04

  I have, so, uh, uh, I have 10 minutes. I have an alarm to tell me to get in the shower and stuff, so I have 10 minutes of drinking my coffee because I have to, I'm just staring into a bit.

• 12:13Speaker 03

  What are you doing?

• 12:14Speaker 04

  Drinking my coffee.

• 12:15Speaker 03

  Right.

• 12:16Speaker 04

  But I've trapped, I have to have my coffee in the morning. I've trapped fingers in doors. It's because you're not, it's.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  You're not awake, no.

• 12:24Speaker 04

  Oh, it's the shower, caught me balls in door, all sorts.

• 12:28Speaker 03

  What? How have you done that? How close to the door are you standing?

• 12:31Speaker 04

  I'm not even joking.

• 12:32Speaker 03

  How big are your balls?

• 12:34Speaker 04

  Massive.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  Not that big.

• 12:35Speaker 04

  Like, it, it, that might be an exaggeration.

• 12:38Speaker 03

  You exaggerate.

• 12:39Speaker 04

  All sorts. Wash basket, always, oh.

• 12:42Speaker 03

  Well, anyway.

• 12:43Speaker 04

  Just be careful.

• 12:44Speaker 03

  I managed to get to Spain. We had a lovely time.

• 12:46Speaker 04

  Good.

• 12:46Speaker 03

  As requested. I brought you back a Spanish cleaning product.

• 12:52Speaker 04

  Oh, for me?

• 12:53Speaker 03

  That was so camp. I mean, even for you.

• 12:56Speaker 04

  I was trying to have it up. Oh, is that for me?

• 12:59Speaker 03

  Yes, it's La Tres Brujas.

• 13:01Speaker 04

  La, last three bridges?

• 13:04Speaker 03

  Last, I've just said it. La Tres Brujas.

• 13:06Speaker 04

  Oh, what's it for?

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Can you not, come on, you go to Spain, you'll be able to read that.

• 13:11Speaker 04

  Multisurfaces, is that multi-surface?

• 13:13Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 13:13Speaker 04

  Practically Spanish.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:15Speaker 04

  Oh, is that multi-surface spray? Oh, can I have a go? Can I have a?

• 13:19Speaker 03

  You need to turn it, turn, turn the nozzle. Just spritz it.

• 13:23Speaker 04

  Can I have a little cloth or something, please?

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Um, sorry.

• 13:26Speaker 04

  Thanks, Jack. See, look how.

• 13:29Speaker 03

  Another flinch. Thank you.

• 13:30Speaker 04

  Jack's about to knock me out. Oh, you're so lovely. Thank you.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  That was bought from, uh.

• 13:37Speaker 04

  Was this recommended by?

• 13:38Speaker 03

  The Mercadona.

• 13:39Speaker 04

  Oh my god. Oh, I'm, you know, crap, got here, I'm gone.

• 13:43Speaker 03

  I mean, it really, don't spritz it on yourself.

• 13:45Speaker 04

  It smells great. It's Spanish cleaning product.

• 13:47Speaker 05

  That is not recommended.

• 13:48Speaker 03

  That is not, we do not recommend spritzing La Tres Brujas on you, on you.

• 13:53Speaker 04

  Look, smell me.

• 13:53Speaker 03

  I know what it smells like.

• 13:55Speaker 04

  Smell me. Don't recommend that, but, oh, I smell like a, honestly, you know, people spend a fortune.

• 14:02Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 14:03Speaker 04

  On thingies. They're gonna, what are you wearing? Spanish toilet. Smell that?

• 14:07Speaker 03

  No, that's not the bathroom cleaner. That's just the multi-surface spritz.

• 14:10Speaker 05

  Do you know, do you know what Brujas means in Spanish?

• 14:12Speaker 03

  Yes, what does La Tres Brujas mean?

• 14:15Speaker 04

  Uh, don't know.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  The Three Witches.

• 14:18Speaker 04

  Well, thank you for that. I'm over the moon. I really am.

• 14:21Speaker 03

  Pleasure. Well, I bought back, I would have brought you, given you more, but my suitcase was at capacity with everything I was bringing back. And my suitcase now smells of Habana Marseillaise because the Habana Marseillaise leaked in my case, even though everything was wrapped in lavender-scented bin bags. Um, Jordan?

• 14:39Speaker 04

  Oh, it smells so good.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  I know it smells very nice. They should do it as candles, shouldn't they?

• 14:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 03

  Um, but yes, my lovely suitcase is now covered in Marseille soap.

• 14:48Speaker 04

  So you know you wanna wait for the weekend?

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 14:50Speaker 04

  I, um, with your other podcast co-host, I would like to take you away for a weekend because I am being fed so much stuff about this. That I actually wanna go and I've done it once before and it looks class. I think we all do it as a sexted team.

• 15:03Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 15:03Speaker 04

  Right, I'm just gonna say.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  Which market destination I'm being taken to?

• 15:06Speaker 04

  I am being fed so many videos on this and I'm literally obsessed. I'm just gonna say two words to you.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:12Speaker 04

  Butlins weekender.

• 15:13Speaker 03

  No.

• 15:14Speaker 04

  Honestly, like you dress up.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  That's what?

• 15:17Speaker 04

  It looks class. There's DJs.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Sorry, I'm sorry, but the word class and butlins do not go hand in hand.

• 15:22Speaker 04

  They've got like S Club 3 or something. Yeah.

• 15:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  It's, looks amazing. We can get a little chalet and stuff. We can get one of the high-end ones. They do posh-ish ones. I genuinely think we go and do a weekend there.

• 15:36Speaker 05

  Surely William does a DJ set?

• 15:38Speaker 04

  We could do a DJ set there, me and you. Butlins, if you're listening.

• 15:41Speaker 03

  No, I'm a solo DJ. I don't, I don't DJ with others.

• 15:44Speaker 04

  Butlins, if you're listening, we'll do it.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  Calvin Harris there with Tiesto, do you?

• 15:47Speaker 04

  I am being.

• 15:48Speaker 05

  Sometimes you do.

• 15:49Speaker 04

  Are you being fed these videos? Is it just me? Is it just my FYP? What?

• 15:56Speaker 03

  F, who calls him FYP?

• 15:58Speaker 04

  Uh, excuse me, I thought I was being called then.

• 16:01Speaker 05

  That's so millennial.

• 16:02Speaker 04

  What? Oh my gosh.

• 16:03Speaker 05

  Is that on my FYP?

• 16:05Speaker 04

  I'm noticing it's increasing so much that I'm physically, physically gurning. Is that bad? I thought that was cool. Well, it's my for you page. FYP. I thought it was being called, anyway.

• 16:18Speaker 05

  Hashtag FYP.

• 16:19Speaker 04

  And I'd love to go. And I went years ago.

• 16:21Speaker 03

  Well, let me know what it's like.

• 16:22Speaker 04

  Oh, it's making me itch now, that Spanish cleaning product.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  It's because you spritzed it on yourself, you stupid boy.

• 16:27Speaker 04

  I was trying to show off, trying to be funny, and now I'm fucking itching.

• 16:31Speaker 03

  Your neck is going a bit red.

• 16:33Speaker 04

  I feel like an American werewolf. Fucking scratch my skin off me, eh? Oh, I feel like Sirius Black in Harry Potter.

• 16:39Speaker 03

  Have we got an EpiPen or something? We can just stab into him.

• 16:42Speaker 04

  Oh, itching. Anyway, so I want us to do that.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 16:46Speaker 04

  Did you hear about what happened in the gym as well?

• 16:49Speaker 03

  I have seen the social clip, yes.

• 16:51Speaker 04

  It's, I'm trying to track the blog down because some people like the actual moon landing, a question in my moon land.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  Just for those that haven't seen the social clip, just the one or two, tell us what, what happened.

• 17:01Speaker 04

  So I was in the gym recently and I've got a track record in this gym, you know, I've borrowed a guy's shorts before and not, and lost them, not given back.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 17:10Speaker 04

  I've, um, ended up hugging someone who was really sweaty and had to get back in the shower.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Sorry, how do you hug someone accidentally in the gym?

• 17:16Speaker 04

  Hug them. You know, I've, there's all sorts of stuff that's happened in there. It's very embarrassing. And I'll be honest, it's quite a trendy gym and, and what have you. So I go in at the time of recording this week. And I didn't wanna talk about it because I'm so embarrassed and they call it a moon landing. So I, as I got out of the shower, I took my towel off and went to put my boxes on. Didn't see and the bloke behind me did the same thing and, um, our bums touched.

• 17:46Speaker 04

  Our bums touched at the same time.

• 17:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:49Speaker 04

  Now, I was also informed, and I promise you I've not copied this, because loads of people go, you've copied this from Modern Family. And I, lo- loads of people got in touch, said, funnily enough, this has happened to me in the gym before.

• 18:00Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm sure it happened.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  Oh, apparently it's quite common, because the reason why it is, is because nobody wants to be there with a bitch hanging out. You do it there quick, don't you? So, and I think he did it. William does it really slowly. Well, the other thing was, what comes to my attention is, it was called, um, a splash landing.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 18:16Speaker 04

  Because his bum was still wet.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  Wet, yes.

• 18:18Speaker 04

  So, I thought it was dry, so he touched me, and I had the wetness from his bum on my bum. It was, it was awful, it was horrific. So, I talked about it on the radio, and then, um, like, like the actual moon landing in sixty-nine, many people, we've got a few skeptics.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Yes, doesn't really happen.

• 18:33Speaker 04

  So, I'm trying to track the bloke down.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 18:34Speaker 04

  And I don't know how that conversation's gonna come about. He was about sixty, it was about my dad's age, I reckon.

• 18:39Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 18:40Speaker 04

  And we didn't, we didn't say sorry, I just went, oh, ah, like, we didn't, and yeah.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  Oh, I would have owned it and gone, oh, that was awkward.

• 18:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, probably should have, but it was awkward.

• 18:50Speaker 03

  But I guess in the moment you.

• 18:51Speaker 04

  And then I felt, and groggy, because obviously I had fresh boxers on, but I thought, I've got his wetness in here now.

• 18:56Speaker 03

  Well, did you not get the towel and dry it?

• 18:58Speaker 04

  No, because I didn't want him to be embarrassed.

• 19:00Speaker 03

  Oh, don't be too polite.

• 19:02Speaker 04

  So, that's happened to me this week.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  Gosh, okay, well.

• 19:06Speaker 04

  And moon landing.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Be more careful about where you put your, your anus.

• 19:09Speaker 04

  Yeah. And before we move on.

• 19:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:11Speaker 04

  There's, um, also, uh, a clip that's been doing the rounds on my FYP page. Yeah.

• 19:17Speaker 03

  Oh, please.

• 19:18Speaker 04

  That I really want you to see, and it's, it's a pub in Preston that I've been in. And I do think.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Statistically, that's quite high.

• 19:24Speaker 04

  I, I do think that this is, uh, this is proper British culture at its best. And, and I just think that you've missed out on this sort of, I'm gonna say upbringing, really. So, this is doing the.

• 19:39Speaker 03

  Oh, blame the parents.

• 19:39Speaker 04

  Tell everyone what you can see. So, what does that say?

• 19:43Speaker 03

  Apparently, this is just a standard day at Lancashire Gate in Preston.

• 19:47Speaker 04

  Lancaster.

• 19:48Speaker 03

  No, Lancaster.

• 19:52Speaker 03

  It's someone going around a pub, singing on a mobility scooter. Oh, she's sitting on someone.

• 19:57Speaker 04

  Sitting on someone.

• 20:02Speaker 03

  No one seems remotely phased as to what's going on in that pub.

• 20:05Speaker 04

  Have you ever been in a pub like that?

• 20:08Speaker 03

  No.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  Because I do think a lot of the, some of the comments are quite snobby. I know there's a like, this is, this is Britain at its best. And until you've been in a pub like that, I don't think you've properly lived and, and been with. I, I, I, I would say to anyone that wants to be a politician, an MP, get in a pub like that for the day and speak to real people. And it just made me miss home. It really did.

• 20:35Speaker 04

  You could, you could go in the Finney, my old local, right?

• 20:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 04

  And you'd go in on your own. And sometimes I'd, sometimes you'd go in and you'd meet your mates and be like, oh, we're going town today. And you go uptown, and you'd have that much of a laughing pub, you'd just stay at pub all night, and you won't bother going uptown. Sometimes you're going, it used to be next door to Sainsbury's, a bit like Mickey Flanagan there. You'd go in with, like, fucking bread and thinking, oh, go in, I'll, I'll pop in for one. You'd be in there all night in your slippers.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 21:02Speaker 04

  And your trackies. And no one'd give a shit. It'd be great. It's, that's what's proper British. Staying out.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  Dear.

• 21:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:09Speaker 03

  What a shame.

• 21:10Speaker 04

  Can we, can we have less of these, less of these snobby comments on social media, please?

• 21:15Speaker 03

  What's snobby comments?

• 21:16Speaker 04

  Not you, just in general, people.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  My entire Instagram's snobby comments.

• 21:19Speaker 04

  What in the Livloft loves this? What in the Universal Credit's this? I mean, some, yeah, right, fair enough. But, anyway.

• 21:26Speaker 03

  Well, shall we go on to everyone's favourite feature? Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week?

• 21:30Speaker 04

  Yes, cue the jingle.

• 21:32Speaker 03

  Off we go.

• 21:49Speaker 04

  Oi. Okay, so this one's from Rachel in Canada, Violet, is he?

• 21:52Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 21:53Speaker 04

  Okay, says, love the show. Say hello to my brother Philip, who got me hooked on the show. He's probably listening while he's looking after his nephew Felix. Right.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 22:02Speaker 04

  What do an electrician and a mortician have in common?

• 22:07Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 22:07Speaker 04

  I'll tell you a punchline after the break.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Hi, everyone. It's Katie Couric. And on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households. Yet, many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly a hundred and sixty years, so its customers can keep

• 22:53Speaker 01

  theirs. Ask a financial professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November third at Whole Foods Market.

• 23:37Speaker 06

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• 24:11Speaker 04

  All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. Today's Jolly Joke of the Week is from Rachel in Saskatchewan, in Canada.

• 24:18Speaker 03

  Saskatchewan?

• 24:19Speaker 04

  Saskatchewan.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  Well done.

• 24:20Speaker 04

  Is that actually a place?

• 24:21Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:21Speaker 04

  Saskatchewan?

• 24:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:23Speaker 04

  No wonder Celine Dion sings like she does.

• 24:26Speaker 03

  But I don't think she's from Saskatchewan.

• 24:28Speaker 04

  Oh, Saskatchewan.

• 24:30Speaker 03

  Don't take the piss out of Celine. Who'd do that?

• 24:34Speaker 04

  Oh, that's Titanic.

• 24:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:35Speaker 04

  Canada. Anyway, says, um, what do an electrician and a mortician have in common? They both get a fucking shock when they touch a live one.

• 24:45Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 24:47Speaker 04

  It's good, innit?

• 24:48Speaker 03

  I like that. That's good.

• 24:49Speaker 04

  It's good.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Nice, new, original joke.

• 24:52Speaker 04

  Hang on.

• 24:53Speaker 03

  Original to this podcast.

• 24:55Speaker 04

  I've got some others right there. Oh, this is a good one. This is from Kev. All right, this is a really good one.

• 25:00Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 25:01Speaker 04

  I put a litre of vodka in my petrol lawnmower. As I was mowing the lawn yesterday, I ran out of vodka. It's only when I looked, I realised the grass was half cut.

• 25:11Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 25:12Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, that's it for this week.

• 25:14Speaker 03

  Lovely. And we should say, after this, we're going, we're going filming, and you very sweetly, for something that you'll see soon, um, you very sweetly bought us, you've bought me dinner.

• 25:25Speaker 04

  Well.

• 25:26Speaker 03

  Shall I love a boy who buys me dinner?

• 25:28Speaker 04

  Can I just say, it's not, it's not going unnoticed that you're not bringing snacks in for the team.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  I got browners.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 25:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 25:35Speaker 04

  I thought Stuart got them.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  Well, yes, I made Stuart get them, but it was my idea.

• 25:39Speaker 04

  We're filming some with the Patreon after this, so I've gone and got some, some snacks here.

• 25:44Speaker 03

  What's that? Um, extremely cheesy.

• 25:47Speaker 04

  Cookies.

• 25:48Speaker 03

  What they say about this podcast.

• 25:49Speaker 04

  And then I remember what you said, because I hate, um, honestly, I'm a northern mum at heart. Oh, where's his buddy?

• 25:55Speaker 03

  You put it in the fridge?

• 25:56Speaker 04

  Oh, is it in here? I, I remember what you said last week.

• 25:59Speaker 03

  Oh, you got me a Coronation Chicken Sandwich.

• 26:02Speaker 04

  No, that's not your favourite.

• 26:03Speaker 03

  What?

• 26:03Speaker 04

  You said roast beef.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  I know, I'm joking.

• 26:05Speaker 04

  Oh, I got you a roast beef sandwich.

• 26:06Speaker 03

  Thank you, darling.

• 26:07Speaker 04

  I didn't want you to go hungry.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  Thank you, that's very kind of you.

• 26:10Speaker 04

  We're filming later, I was, I'm like, fannying about with lights and cameras and what have you. You know, it's bound to.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Excuse me, they've been working very hard.

• 26:16Speaker 04

  I know they have, I know they have, I know they have. Uh, right, before we get on to your modern day problems and dilemmas, tomorrow, we do have another Patreon exclusive episode.

• 26:27Speaker 03

  Yes, premium members of our Patreon channel, Help I Sex at My Boss Out of Office.

• 26:31Speaker 04

  Ooh.

• 26:32Speaker 03

  Get a brand new episode every Wednesday.

• 26:34Speaker 04

  Uh, last Wednesday, so as do an Ask Us Anything episode, where we answered your burning questions and nothing was off the table.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  Tomorrow's Out of Office episode is called Posh or Common Autumn Things. We're going to be discussing all things related to autumn and deciding, that's fall, if you're American, and deciding whether things like pumpkin spice lattes and plain conkers are posh or common. You can head to helpisextomyboss.com/patreon to find out more and watch and listen.

• 27:00Speaker 04

  Now, it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected], or you can DM us, we're at Sex at My Boss on the socials.

• 27:10Speaker 03

  Uh, right, no idea what's coming up. This first one is from Chris, Dear William Jordan, and the other one, I'm writing to you from what I can only describe as a very damp and vulnerable situation. Who's the person you met in the gym? Ironically, I've just finished at the gym, had a lovely shower, stepped out feeling refreshed and accomplished, and then I discovered I'd forgotten my towel.

• 27:30Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 27:31Speaker 03

  Completely. I'm now sitting in the changing room, dripping dry, contemplating every decision that has led me to this moment. I do have the t-shirt I wore to the gym, but it is sweaty. And using the thing that I've just showered specifically to remove the sweat from as a towel feels like it is somewhat undermining the entire concept of washing. So, etiquette experts.

• 27:50Speaker 03

  Is there another one in here? I need answers. What is the correct course of action? Do I sit here naked until evaporation has done its thing? Use the hand dryer and attempt to rotate myself underneath it like a supermarket rotisserie chicken? Or is there another option known only to competent adults who remember to pack towels? Please respond urgently. I'm getting cold. Chris. Sent from the changing room. Increasingly less wet, but considerably less dignified.

• 28:14Speaker 04

  Well, you can drip dry. You probably should use your t-shirt and then that or hairdryer. There'll be a hairdryer in the gym.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  There might be a hairdryer, yeah.

• 28:20Speaker 04

  Use a hairdryer. No one will judge you.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  No.

• 28:23Speaker 04

  If I sent a bloke drying himself with a hairdryer with no towel, I'd be like, I forgot his towel.

• 28:27Speaker 03

  I'm going to assume you're at a gym-

• 28:28Speaker 04

  Don't spend too long on your pubes, oh, Tex, that looks pervy.

• 28:32Speaker 03

  I'm going to assume he's- Yeah, that's weird. I'm going to assume he's at a gym that doesn't provide towels, because if not, I would, if the gym provides-

• 28:39Speaker 04

  Most gyms don't, William.

• 28:40Speaker 03

  Do they not?

• 28:41Speaker 04

  No. Do you know? Most gyms don't, only yours.

• 28:45Speaker 03

  Oh. Ours.

• 28:48Speaker 04

  Yours.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  Ours.

• 28:50Speaker 04

  Yours. Most gyms don't. I know, like, David Lloyd do.

• 28:53Speaker 03

  Okay. Because I was going to say, if you're at one of those gyms, or a hotel gym might do it, you could, I would just say to someone else in the changing room, I forgot my towel. I can't step out naked. Please, could you go and get me one? That's what I'd do.

• 29:03Speaker 05

  That takes some balls.

• 29:05Speaker 04

  That does take some balls.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  You'd see them. Oh, was that your joke? Okay. Yeah. Um, yeah, use the hairdryer, I think that's quite a good idea.

• 29:13Speaker 04

  Hairdryer, tissues, or-

• 29:15Speaker 03

  Or just get dressed as, and damp. I mean, you're going to catch them, yeah.

• 29:19Speaker 04

  You'll never be quite dry.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  You're never going to forget your towel again, let's put it that way.

• 29:22Speaker 04

  No, you will. There's always days. But fair play to you for working out and not sacking it off.

• 29:28Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 29:28Speaker 05

  I wonder how many dilemmas that we've got from people who are currently sat there naked? Obviously, Chris was writing it as he was naked in the gym. Is that a common occurrence, do you think?

• 29:37Speaker 03

  What, that people listen to us naked?

• 29:39Speaker 05

  People writing in and they're naked?

• 29:40Speaker 04

  And they're naked.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  I often listen back to this naked.

• 29:43Speaker 05

  Do you?

• 29:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:44Speaker 03

  No, uh-

• 29:46Speaker 05

  When you, when you forgot your towel?

• 29:47Speaker 03

  When I forgot my towel.

• 29:50Speaker 04

  I wonder how many people are listening to us on the blog right now?

• 29:52Speaker 03

  Oh. Hello, if you are.

• 29:55Speaker 04

  If that's you, just, I bet you there are.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  Hmm. This is from Jeff. Ahoy, Jordan, William, et al. I'm a gay boy from a modest background, who works at the V and A. In July, I met a simple soldier, officer of the Life Guards, at the Palace of Westminster, and we've been dating for a few months. Recently, I invited him to a V and A event where the Princess of Wales attended. There was a notable moment where Prince Louis and Princess Charlotte seemed to know him very well, more than just casually. When he introduced me as my very good friend, Catherine's reaction and his subtle response suggested something more significant. When I Googled his Germanic surname, it appeared to be connected to the European and Scandinavian royal families, and in the UK is hyphenated with a name closely related to the British royal family. He's incredibly attentive, but I sense he's keeping something from me about his background.

• 30:41Speaker 03

  At three months in, I'm not sure how to ask about his family without seeming suspicious. I almost feel lied to, but mainly I'm anxious about having a delicate conversation. My questions: How posh do you think he actually is?

• 30:51Speaker 04

  Very.

• 30:52Speaker 03

  And what's your down-to-earth advice for addressing this without causing tension? Regards, Jeff.

• 30:57Speaker 04

  Jeff, don't overthink this. Um, this is cool. I mean-

• 31:01Speaker 03

  But if, but he also may not be-

• 31:03Speaker 04

  Might not want to come across boastful or-

• 31:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  Or humble.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  I would, he could just be, obviously, he's an officer in the Life Guards, and thus, and when we say the Life Guards, we don't, don't mean he's in his trunks by the pool.

• 31:15Speaker 04

  Yeah. Which ones are?

• 31:17Speaker 03

  It's Army.

• 31:19Speaker 05

  What's the Life Guards?

• 31:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't-

• 31:21Speaker 05

  I assumed he would just, he just had a qualification to be sat by the pool.

• 31:24Speaker 04

  No, I didn't know they were called Life, is that the, I don't know if I've heard of that regiment, they're usually quite good, we have them.

• 31:30Speaker 03

  Regiment, not regiment.

• 31:32Speaker 04

  I said regiment.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, you mean you dropped the T, it sounded like regiment.

• 31:35Speaker 04

  Oh, I'm not quite-

• 31:37Speaker 03

  Which is a different word.

• 31:37Speaker 05

  The most senior regiment of the British Army is the Life Guards.

• 31:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, it could just be that he, he is just-

• 31:42Speaker 04

  Is it a posh one?

• 31:43Speaker 03

  Familiar with being around members of the royal family, and, you know, they're all nice people, and so they've got to know them.

• 31:48Speaker 04

  Are the green jackets still going? I grew up with them, oof, they were rough.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  Love is sweet corn.

• 31:53Speaker 04

  The green jackets? They weren't rough, that's not fair. I got, my dad got posted to Weet and we ended up, that's green giant.

• 32:02Speaker 04

  Sharp was a green jacket.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  Sharp?

• 32:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:05Speaker 03

  You're sharp.

• 32:06Speaker 05

  Oh, no, it's not, the, the green jackets aren't active anymore.

• 32:09Speaker 04

  What are they called now?

• 32:11Speaker 05

  It's just not active anymore.

• 32:12Speaker 04

  Well, they'll be called something, it's like, you know, my dad was in the QLR, the Queen's Lancashire Regiment, they're now called the Duke of Lancasters Regiment.

• 32:19Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 32:19Speaker 04

  And they, they merged with the King's Own Regiment, I think.

• 32:23Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 32:23Speaker 04

  Uh, green jackets. And they still got that, I can know them, because obviously we used to live with them on camps.

• 32:27Speaker 03

  You did, yeah.

• 32:28Speaker 04

  Highlanders.

• 32:29Speaker 05

  Oh, it would be amalgamated with the Light Infantry, the Devonshire and Dorset Light Infantry, and Royal Gloucestershire, Berkshire and Wiltshire Light Infantry.

• 32:36Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 32:37Speaker 05

  To form a single large regiment, to be called the Rifles.

• 32:40Speaker 04

  Oh, the Rifles, okay. They're just the Rifles.

• 32:42Speaker 05

  I think they're a band from the noughties, the Rifles as well.

• 32:45Speaker 04

  The Remi.

• 32:45Speaker 03

  It's like listening to the British Forces Radio, or something like that.

• 32:48Speaker 04

  Oh, isn't it? Yeah, anyway.

• 32:50Speaker 03

  Um, Jeff, no, I would, I mean-

• 32:51Speaker 04

  Just ask him.

• 32:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, just ask.

• 32:53Speaker 04

  Just ask him, and it'll be really cool. And I mean-

• 32:54Speaker 03

  Tell me about your upbringing. Tell me about your childhood.

• 32:56Speaker 04

  Mad that he knows the Princess of Wales and the kids.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  Are you still close with your family? Do you go back to see them? Do they come to see you? But if you, you know, if things, it sounds like things are going well, you're being introduced to the, the next queen as my very good friend, so, I mean, I'd, I'd, um, I'd relax.

• 33:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:14Speaker 03

  You'll, you'll find out eventually.

• 33:15Speaker 04

  I'd get a couple of William's books as well, if you need some-

• 33:19Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 33:19Speaker 04

  Topping up on your etiquette.

• 33:20Speaker 03

  Oh, soon, I'm hoping that my, uh, proof of a fatal fourking is ready for me to give you for your riveting jacket.

• 33:26Speaker 04

  I mean, that's not going to help him with his-

• 33:28Speaker 03

  No, it's not, it's not going to help him at all. He needs just good manners.

• 33:31Speaker 05

  He might be up for a good fourking.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  Please.

• 33:35Speaker 04

  Just work your way in, remember, if you go for a dinner. It's the forks, knife and fork, just work your way in.

• 33:42Speaker 03

  There we go. That's why he's an etiquette expert. Um, this is from Keira. Hi, William and Jordan, I need some advice on a bit of an awkward dilemma. I had a delivery today and the driver asked if he could use my toilet, she means lavatory. Obviously, I said yes, because, you know, when you've got to go, you've got to go. I assumed it was just a quick wee.

• 33:58Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 33:59Speaker 03

  Turns out the man was in there long enough to clearly have a full-on number two, and when he came out, there was a bit of a smell.

• 34:04Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  Now I'm wondering what the etiquette actually is here. If you're a delivery driver and you desperately need the toilet, is it acceptable to use a customer's toilet for a poo? Or is there an unwritten rule that customer toilets are strictly for emergency whees? Because I'm all for helping someone out, but I wasn't quite prepared to be left cleaning up after a stranger's bowel movement in the middle of the day.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  He must have been desperate. And I personally wouldn't mind, as long as he didn't leave a mess.

• 34:29Speaker 03

  Well, he clearly did.

• 34:30Speaker 04

  But I, I've got a, a couple of mates that are delivery drivers, and I didn't know, they've only got like six minutes between each one or something.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  Oh, do they?

• 34:37Speaker 04

  Or two minutes, something, I can't remember what he said to me. Uh, and sometimes he do say, they've got regular customers saying, all right, to use the loo and stuff, because obviously they ain't got time.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 34:46Speaker 04

  They want to get home. Um, but if you're a delivery driver, you need a poo, maybe go to a public toilet?

• 34:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:53Speaker 04

  But-

• 34:54Speaker 03

  Supermarkets, loo.

• 34:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, that kind of thing. But, uh, he, he was maybe desperate.

• 34:59Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 34:59Speaker 04

  I wouldn't personally, if I was a delivery driver, try and not have a poo in someone's house.

• 35:03Speaker 03

  No, I think, yeah, I mean, I, even me, if I were a delivery driver, or a postman, or whatever, I would not even want to do a wee in a customer's house, unless it was, like, it was going, I was going to have some sort of a urological spasm. But other than that, I would-

• 35:17Speaker 04

  So if you was a builder, you wouldn't use?

• 35:18Speaker 03

  No, I think that's different if you're there all day.

• 35:21Speaker 04

  I bet you're one of those people, if you've had building work done, I bet you had a portal leaf at builders, wouldn't you?

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Uh, no, but I might have some building work done, or not building work, but interior building work done next year, so I could do it there. But then I don't want a portaloo outside my house, not really. I'd rather they just use the loo.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  There you are.

• 35:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I'm, I'm not one of those people.

• 35:38Speaker 04

  Well, would you mind if a delivery driver asked to use your toilet and then had a-

• 35:43Speaker 03

  You could make a joke about it and say, you've already done one drop, don't want another.

• 35:48Speaker 03

  Could be that.

• 35:49Speaker 04

  What would you-

• 35:50Speaker 05

  They'll be wetting themselves.

• 35:52Speaker 04

  What would you do? And that's it.

• 35:55Speaker 03

  Well, you can't go, well, yeah, but can I just ask if?

• 35:59Speaker 03

  Or you just go, you can't, I've got to go out in one minute, will it be quick?

• 36:04Speaker 04

  Get out.

• 36:04Speaker 05

  It's like, it's like, it's like around a countdown. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

• 36:09Speaker 03

  Picky tea.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  You little splosh. This is from Sarah. Dear William, Jordan and everyone at Sexton, thank you so much for the joy you bring to so many. You are the highlight of my week, but I now need your advice. I'm nineteen, and I am away for a week in October, and the weekend I'm away, my mum is having friends to stay at the house. Despite having two double-bed sofas downstairs and my parents having a king-size bed, my mum has asked if one of her friends can sleep in my bed. And when I was unhappy about this, she made out that I was being unhelpful and overreacting. As I still live with my parents, my bedroom is my own haven, and everything in there is mine alone, but I barely know these women who are staying. I haven't got a problem with washing the sheeps, but I feel very weird about someone I don't know being surrounded by my things and my life while I'm not there. So am I overacting by saying no? Or is my mum's request a step too far?

• 36:58Speaker 03

  Keep up the laughs. Sarah.

• 36:59Speaker 04

  I mean, if there's a spare bed, then maybe they don't have to go in your room, really. I get it.

• 37:04Speaker 03

  Yes, I would say, if every bed, including the sofa beds, are taken, and they need another bed, fair enough. But also, and Sarah, I'm going to say this with love, I don't know whether you pay rent to your parents or not, but if you don't, it's not your house, it's theirs.

• 37:22Speaker 04

  It's a tricky one, this.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  Is that harsh to say? No.

• 37:25Speaker 04

  I'm not very particular about my bed. You don't have other people stay in it, if you, do you? If you was like-

• 37:32Speaker 03

  Oh, I don't give up my own bed for anyone, no.

• 37:33Speaker 04

  No, don't be telling me that.

• 37:35Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:35Speaker 04

  You don't give up your own bed. I used to for guests, but I wouldn't now.

• 37:39Speaker 04

  Because I just think that is a bit weird, you sleeping outside your walls, two people are in your bed, but, but if I was away and we got to stay in bed, my brother's staying-

• 37:49Speaker 03

  But also, I don't think your mum's friends are going to be rooting around your drawers.

• 37:52Speaker 04

  Well, I get it.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  I, I, I, I understand, but I, I think it's a, and you could say to your mum, well, in an ideal world, that wouldn't happen, but fair enough, if it's just one night.

• 38:03Speaker 04

  Hmm. Maybe have one last conversation, and don't be stroppy, not that you're stroppy.

• 38:09Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 38:09Speaker 04

  But just be, have a serious adult conversation, be like, look, I've been thinking about this, and it really is bothering me, the thought of someone in their bed, if they could sleep somewhere else on mechanical arrangement, that would be great.

• 38:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, please. But maybe pay lip surfers to the fact that, you know, it is your mum's house, so, her house, her rules.

• 38:28Speaker 04

  All right.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  Um, finally, this is from Andy. Andy's coming. Oh, it still works, there we go. He's, he's gone floppy.

• 38:34Speaker 04

  By the way-

• 38:35Speaker 03

  Excuse me!

• 38:38Speaker 03

  They've gone.

• 38:39Speaker 04

  By the way, lots of people have been DMing me saying, "Oh, I didn't get your version." You've got to make sure that you're on the UK settings on Disney+

• 38:48Speaker 05

  Is it out on Disney Plus?

• 38:50Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 38:50Speaker 05

  Oh, already?

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Fabulous.

• 38:52Speaker 04

  So yeah, you've got to make sure you've got the UK settings on Disney Plus so that you get me and Shaun in it.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:59Speaker 04

  Because other people have been getting like the American guest appearances. Yeah, Fisher in Australia. And don't you dodgy stick either because A, that's legal and I'm glad you'll get, I don't know.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  And you won't get it in 4K.

• 39:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly. So it's on. But yeah.

• 39:15Speaker 03

  Great. I'm glad it's on.

• 39:16Speaker 04

  Oh, I waited for you and it weren't.

• 39:19Speaker 03

  Dangerous.

• 39:19Speaker 04

  Shut up, chair! That's my line.

• 39:23Speaker 04

  Don't, don't.

• 39:25Speaker 04

  You have to do sloped noises as well.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Did you get into character for that?

• 39:28Speaker 04

  Gee, isn't she swell? Don't ruin it, Jordan. That wasn't me. That wasn't mine. Okay, alright.

• 39:33Speaker 03

  Um, right. Finally, Andy, as I said, long time listener, first time writer. It's not LBC. "I had some dates with a girl. Then on the fifth date, we went out for some drinks. Before this and in between dates, we had been exchanging messages and chatting about certain things. And it appeared we had some wild side and kinks we both enjoyed. One of these was a mutual appreciation for oral exploration of non-traditional zones.

• 39:58Speaker 03

  Like the chicken aisle. So on date five, after an evening of drinks..."

• 40:01Speaker 04

  Sorry, so say that sentence again.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Oral exploration of non-traditional zones.

• 40:08Speaker 04

  I've automatically gone to ear and nostril. Where's everyone else at?

• 40:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was thinking nostril.

• 40:13Speaker 04

  Is that a thing?

• 40:14Speaker 03

  Let's, well, let's see if, if Andy...

• 40:17Speaker 04

  Toast.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  A lot of people are into toast. I'm not into toast.

• 40:20Speaker 04

  Into the, yeah.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:22Speaker 05

  Toast.

• 40:23Speaker 04

  Toast.

• 40:23Speaker 03

  Toast.

• 40:24Speaker 05

  Toast.

• 40:25Speaker 04

  Bummels.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  If you're into toast, you wake up with a face covered in crumbs.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  Sorry, it was weak, but.

• 40:33Speaker 04

  I've done worse, don't worry. I'll back you up. I'll laugh.

• 40:39Speaker 05

  I quite like that.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Come here.

• 40:41Speaker 05

  I quite like that. I think it's on the right side.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  Um, right. "On date five, after an evening of drinks and questionable dancing, we stopped off for a kebab on the way home. We got back to mine and things got a bit on the wild side on the sofa. So she suggested we take our food up to the bedroom and continue from there. Now, I'm not one for eating in bed. I prefer not to find rogue food in the duvet, but she suggested we take the food upstairs. Keen to own press, I agreed. Things got slightly hotter in the bedroom and I ended up on all fours expecting oral of the non-traditional kind. Well, it happened. Then I heard the takeaway tray with the remaining kebab being handled." Oh, I don't actually, I actually think I know what's coming because I've just slightly scanned down.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  So basically, he was just getting, can I spell this out? So we're all on the same page. He was getting rims?

• 41:26Speaker 03

  Well, he thought he was going to get rims.

• 41:28Speaker 04

  Okay. That's like...

• 41:30Speaker 03

  Also, or oral exploration of non-traditional zones. Well, let's not unpick that.

• 41:34Speaker 04

  Why went fucking nostril?

• 41:36Speaker 03

  "Then I heard the takeaway tray with the remaining kebab being handled. I then felt lukewarm doner meat.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  I then felt lukewarm doner meat being gently but insistently posted into my anus like I was a postbox for bad life choices. Some of that'll top up.

• 41:57Speaker 03

  Suddenly she was head deep like a fox in a bin.

• 42:01Speaker 03

  Slurping, moaning, munching away. Not that I was overly complaining.

• 42:08Speaker 03

  Although we chatted about our kinks, I never thought I was going to become a kebab skewer. My question is, William, I mean, why William? If one finds oneself being used as a human kebab skewer, what is the correct post-dinner etiquette? We continued chatting. Is she worth another date?"

• 42:25Speaker 04

  Just, again, I'm just going to spell this out.

• 42:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:28Speaker 04

  Just so I'm not misheard this or misinterpreting it.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  And we don't want to kink shame.

• 42:32Speaker 04

  We're not kink shaming.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  But I'm sure this is not on the food hygiene certificate.

• 42:36Speaker 04

  But am I right in saying she ate a doner kebab out of his arsehole?

• 42:39Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 42:44Speaker 04

  Which, with the two cheeks, it could be like a pita bread.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  Fancy some tzatziki?

• 42:51Speaker 04

  So.

• 42:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:53Speaker 04

  It, you know, I am worried about kink shaming here. So I'm going to be careful. What was the question?

• 43:01Speaker 03

  Well, uh, what is the correct post-dinner etiquette if one is being used as a human kebab skewer? I think you say,

• 43:11Speaker 03

  "I don't really like food in bed." I think you go down that route.

• 43:15Speaker 04

  She ate a kebab, a kebab out of his arse. I honestly, just, just...

• 43:20Speaker 03

  What's wrong with a plate?

• 43:21Speaker 04

  Just when you think...

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Use a plate like the rest of us.

• 43:24Speaker 04

  Just when you think you've heard it all. She ate a kebab out of his arse.

• 43:28Speaker 05

  Do you think they had any chili sauce?

• 43:30Speaker 04

  I hope not.

• 43:31Speaker 03

  Oh, you don't want that.

• 43:32Speaker 04

  Chili sauce! Because you don't want that in your bumhole.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  No, not again.

• 43:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, you do want the doner meat, but not the chili sauce.

• 43:37Speaker 04

  Well, garlic would be a much better sauce for the bumhole. Garlic sauce. A much more bumhole friendly sauce. Yeah, garlic mayo would be fine. Probably not fine, but. But, you know, chili sauce.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  I've never eaten garlic sauce out of an arsehole.

• 43:54Speaker 04

  I'm just, yeah.

• 43:56Speaker 05

  That's next week's episode.

• 43:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's next week.

• 43:57Speaker 04

  It just, if you had chili sauce, you'd have an arse like a Japanese flag. That's all I'm going to say.

• 44:01Speaker 03

  Can you remember years ago on one of our early tours, I think it was when we were doing the Moth Club in Hackney? I always remember, this always stays with me, someone wrote on their handwritten dilemma, do you know the one I'm going to say? "How do I ask my girlfriend to wrap me up in cling film and fuck me like a burrito?"

• 44:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:18Speaker 05

  That's the good old days.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  I, and I got into burritos quite recently, actually. And I was thinking of that quite a lot.

• 44:24Speaker 04

  Each to their own. Maybe just look into the like health and safety and eating, uh, food out of people. I just...

• 44:32Speaker 05

  I think it's healthy or safe.

• 44:34Speaker 04

  Like, she put it in his arse and, oh, I'm going to shut up. I'm going to shut up. I don't know what advice we can offer.

• 44:41Speaker 05

  Donner beat breaks up so easily.

• 44:44Speaker 04

  Uh, thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Sorry to everyone in Greece. Is a kebab Greek? Or is it German?

• 44:51Speaker 05

  Turkish.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  Turk, it's, it's probably got origins in many different countries.

• 44:56Speaker 04

  Do you know what the weirdest thing is?

• 44:58Speaker 03

  What?

• 44:58Speaker 04

  I really want a fucking kebab now.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  Do you want to go?

• 45:01Speaker 04

  Not out of an arse, just a normal pita bread. Oh my God.

• 45:05Speaker 05

  Would you have, would you have a kebab for tea?

• 45:08Speaker 04

  Houston, kebab and chips.

• 45:10Speaker 05

  I saw, I was walking home yesterday and I saw people like having a kebab at seven and I was like, I can't imagine having a kebab except for right at the end of the night.

• 45:17Speaker 04

  Depends what I'm doing. I'd get kebab and chips when I was yellow trays with garlic sauce after a night out.

• 45:22Speaker 05

  So good.

• 45:23Speaker 04

  Oh, it's the best. And then you'd have it next day warmed up.

• 45:25Speaker 05

  It is so good.

• 45:27Speaker 04

  Or sometimes I'd get it in a pita or a wrap.

• 45:30Speaker 05

  I have, I have started getting a kebab because I often have to come home with Diego and obviously kebab shops aren't dog friendly. So I've, I've twice now been stood at the entrance of the kebab shop, like shouted in the kebab shop and I had to reach round to pay.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  That's what she were doing. Giving the old reach round. Thanks for your questions and dilemmas. Remember you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday or join us tomorrow for an exclusive Help I Sex with My Boss Patreon episode. It's called Help I Sex with My Boss Out of Office. We'll see you soon.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  Goodbye.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  Hi everyone, it's Katie Couric. And on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households. Yet, many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs.

• 46:50Speaker 01

  Ask a financial professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.