Help I’ve Borrowed My Neighbour's Toys | And Double Moustaches

Jordan is becoming a man of culture, and he's found the perfect phrase to let everyone around him know it. Meanwhile, William is extremely upset about the state of the toilet paper industry. The boys also tackle your dilemmas on standing at concerts and borrowing your neighbour's sex toys. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:34Speaker 00

  How long have you all had them on for?

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Ages.

• 0:37Speaker 00

  How long have I not noticed them?

• 0:39Speaker 02

  We're wearing fake moustaches that are sort of of a Mexican persuasion, I'd say.

• 0:43Speaker 00

  Stu's looks really fit, actually, doesn't he?

• 0:46Speaker 03

  Sophie, I'm here.

• 0:47Speaker 00

  How long have you had that on for? Has Jack got one on or is it a real one? Even Izzy looks good. Hear me out, you all look way better.

• 0:58Speaker 02

  I think the lesson from this is how unattentive Jordan is. Like, what an incredible... We've been sat here for 10 minutes. Nearly ruined the joke.

• 1:07Speaker 00

  I was doing, I was doing my prep that you'd not all say I don't do.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when your facial hair becomes a matter of national debate? Or, how do you tell your dad you've seen his testicles on Twitter? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony ants, are we? William Hanson.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more cream of the crop, you're more corner shop. And that's from Josh. Thank you very much for that.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  I'd say that, I'd say that. Big up the corner shops of this great country.

• 1:51Speaker 03

  Or, as we learned recently, as they're called in New York, bodegas.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  Bodegas?

• 1:55Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Just the shops, you know, the ones you go in, they call you boss man, you go in at 11 o'clock at night in your flip flops. In your flip flops? For a bottle of vodka and they don't judge. None of them judge. And ours, I call the everything store. You can literally walk in there, right? It's a corner shop. And this poor fellow, he works, do you know what? I don't even know his name. I should get his name up in there. Yeah, now. He must work 18 hour days. He's always open. You can go in for, my tin opener broke. I went in on a Sunday, tin opener in there, J-cloths, padlocks. They've got all sorts. Leather gloves, rope, you name, you name it.

• 2:34Speaker 03

  Just the standard nice drum.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  Honestly, you just go in and they've got, I went in for origami the other week. Of course he had origami.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Origami?

• 2:40Speaker 00

  I were craving some, I were craving some...

• 2:42Speaker 03

  I think you've combined Japanese paper, clay and a herb all in one.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  I was craving some, um, rice pudding of the day after my tea. Of course he had it in. So big up the little corner shops, anyway.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  Yes, big them up.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yes, boss. Yes, boss. Have we got any?

• 2:58Speaker 03

  Now, we should say for those that are listening, um, as we, you might have heard at the start of this episode, um, we're all wearing Jordan North inspired moustaches.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  I think you all look...

• 3:09Speaker 03

  Well, some with varying...

• 3:10Speaker 00

  20 times better, especially you, Ben.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  Is this cultural appropriation now?

• 3:15Speaker 00

  Probably not.

• 3:15Speaker 03

  Are we going to get cancelled?

• 3:16Speaker 00

  Ben's does look the best, I'd say.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  I think, I think it's giving YMCA, what are they called?

• 3:22Speaker 03

  Yes, the Village People. People did say last week that you did look a bit like the Village People, like you were a member of the Village People, which I've been saying for years.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  It's just a summer thing. That's all. I'm sick of talking about it.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  William's come dressed as a cowboy as well, weirdly.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Oh, I've come dressed as a cowboy?

• 3:37Speaker 00

  You're a bit cowboyish.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  I didn't have a mirror when I stuck mine on. In fact, I nearly actually put it the other way up. Um, can I remove it, please?

• 3:45Speaker 00

  Yes, of course.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  Because I'm not loving it.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  Can I just say, it's not me that's, oh, that's making it part of my personality. It's you guys, everyone else is talking about it.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Jordan, it's all you were going on about last week. You were, and all that.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  I learned. Shure up and make a drink. Come on.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Tell you what, I'm gonna put it on the D. Dubonnet, you can have a little moustache. There.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  Dubonnet there with the old fanny tickler.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  Would you like to pour the gin and I'll do the ice?

• 4:12Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 4:13Speaker 03

  Yes, thank you very much.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  What goes in first?

• 4:15Speaker 03

  Doesn't really matter, but I think it is gin and Dubonnet, so maybe the gin.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  Oh, I usually do.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  Do you? You just don't care, do you? Maverick. Anyway, how have you been, love?

• 4:25Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm good. I am. How are you? Well, it's been an up and down week.

• 4:30Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Um, I went for a, I had a day of culture yesterday.

• 4:36Speaker 03

  A day of culture?

• 4:37Speaker 00

  I was told that I'm...

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Did you watch BBC Four?

• 4:39Speaker 00

  Uh, even better. Apparently just coming on, watching reruns of Modern Family and you need to have a day of culture. So I went to some art expeditions.

• 4:46Speaker 03

  Expedi- ex- yeah, exhibition. Lovely. Where did you go?

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Um, so I won't name names because art's subjective. Well, I went to, I went to, I went to the, the David Hockney one.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  Okay, well, he needs a plug.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Um, and, uh, I enjoyed that. It was a year in Normandy. He did it all on his iPad.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  Oh, yes. Now I've heard this about him now because I think he's quite ill, so he just does it on his iPad.

• 5:12Speaker 00

  William, he's, he's dead.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  Is he?

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. He died about a month ago.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  Ah.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  That is why I was not replying to my DMs.

• 5:21Speaker 00

  We, we should toast to him.

• 5:23Speaker 03

  We should toast, we should toast David Hockney, but also to, um, Beth and Rick via Lisa, who said, Beth is a lifelong sexted fan and has been listening for years. She is a self-proclaimed Diego Super Van, uh, which you want to look after him. We even came to see you live and shared her iconic dilemma about ended up naked in a hotel corridor and worrying that everyone thought she was a hooker. So I feel like she deserves a mention for that alone. She and Rick got engaged earlier this year and are getting married on Mad Friday in December, which feels like the most sexted approved wedding date possible.

• 5:52Speaker 00

  Great day.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  The best part is that Rick is basically Jordan in real life, which is hilarious because Jordan has always been Beth's dream man. My family and I even call him Pickle Rick. Don't ask. So please give them a toast for me. They're huge fans and would absolutely make their day if you could say good luck with their wedding planning. Well, Beth and Rick via Lisa, good luck.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  And David Hockney.

• 6:12Speaker 03

  And the late David Hockney.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  So when...

• 6:14Speaker 03

  Do you remember we killed Barry Manilow once inadvertently? He's still alive.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  And we, and you announced, I think, that he was dead.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Anyway, so I went, right, and, um, it's, it's in Hyde Park, isn't it? The Serpentine, they call it?

• 6:28Speaker 03

  Serpentine. Well, you say Serpentine correctly.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  So I'm walking around and I, I realise that you just have to say one word when someone asks you about a piece of art and it makes you sound really fancy. So you're looking and they go, what do you think? You just go, riveting.

• 6:44Speaker 03

  I'd say that sounds, Patrick, that sounds sarcastic.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  That's all I said. And I was there and this old lady went, it's making me feel, um, thrilled, excited. I went, hmm, riveting.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  I don't know if that comes across like you think it's coming across.

• 7:02Speaker 00

  And then someone else was pointing out, went, look at the different techniques he's used. It's like, it's like it's, he's used two different art techniques in one painting. I was like, hmm, absolutely riveting. Honestly, I was like, thank God the 40 season's starting next week. That's all I'm gonna say.

• 7:21Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  Then we went to another expedition.

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Exhibition.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Because they don't charge you as well. So you just go in. And this was very, uh, what's the word? How would you put it? You'd put, uh, contemporary.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  Okay. Well, I mean, David Hockney on live pad's pretty contemporary.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Alls I'm gonna say is that it wasn't for me, and I won't name them because they might be listening. Alls I'll say is I thought it was very GCSE. The hands, I can draw better hands than her, right?

• 7:47Speaker 03

  Oh, I know who it was.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  And then, no, and then, like, it was, some were like, you know, you had, people had GCSE art and you used to hang it out in the hall, hallway.

• 8:00Speaker 03

  In the hall, hallway. Have a break.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  Um, but there were just other bits where it just looked like she'd mushed it in with her hands.

• 8:09Speaker 03

  She probably had.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  And it was, and it was apparently, it was, it was a picture of an orgy and I'm like...

• 8:14Speaker 03

  Picture of an orgy?

• 8:15Speaker 00

  Well, image and all that. I can't see anyone shagging.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  What did that make you feel?

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Riveting. Absolutely. But I'm just watching. And people look at them for ages. And people are there going, staring at them. I'm like, I'm going pub now, what? So I had a good day of culture.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  Oh, it sounds like it, yes.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  It was a really good day of culture.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  William, do you have any thoughts on like how you, how you could sort of respond beyond just saying riveting when you're looking at art?

• 8:42Speaker 00

  They just look like, you know, when, you know, when nursery kids bring on pictures?

• 8:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  And the mums put it on fridge. It's just all mushed in with her hands. It was that. And apart, I Googled it. One of them were worth half a million quid.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 8:54Speaker 00

  And she's got, and it was called the Sansarite Orgy. I'm like, and I'm going, what's going on there? It's like a big orgy in a garden.

• 9:02Speaker 03

  There's a lot of narrative storytelling, I think, with art to bump up the price.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  I can't see anyone shagging that. Just mushed it in. Anyway.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Um, yeah, I mean, I, I don't know much about art. I mean, I feel in the last five minutes, I know more about art than others, but I would say, um, really what I look for is a frame that doesn't gather dust. That's what I like in art. Just if you're gonna have something at home, not too intricate, because then when you're dusting it, you don't get the dust gathering in the corners. So I'm more, more interested in the frames, to be perfectly honest, which I always think are underrated.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  I, I like the frames as well, but if like me, you are quite uncultured, apparently it's gonna be a weekly thing now as well. Fuck my life. Um...

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm being taken around art galleries on a Wednesday.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  So...

• 9:43Speaker 03

  Really puts those living in poverty in shame.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Oh, no, don't say it like that. But, um, if you go to art galleries and like me, you're a bit uneducated about the arts and don't really know much, just say, honestly, just say, say riveting, but say it softly. Just go...

• 9:57Speaker 03

  No, but riveting is a sarcastic word.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Riveting. Say it like that. Whisper riveting and people think, you know, shit. Paid 40 quid for a frigging, actually it was reduced, 30 quid for a bloody coffee table book as well. Don't get me started on them either. What's point in coffee table books? Who's gonna come in your house, have a coffee and read through that?

• 10:16Speaker 03

  Do you not have coffee table books?

• 10:17Speaker 00

  I've got loads, but no one reads them. I've had people over.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  No, but they're there to sort of tell guests who you are as a person. We've, we've, in fact, I will take a picture. I will take a picture of my coffee table books. I have a selection of them.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  You've got loads.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  And I rotate. I curate my coffee table.

• 10:35Speaker 00

  I've got an Obama one.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  Right.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:37Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  I've got an Anton Deck one. And I've got a Burnley one.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  You've got all bases covered, really, in there.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  That's your dream dinner party, isn't it?

• 10:46Speaker 00

  But then I've got a cool one that I got for my birthday, actually. And it's a famous photographer. It's really cool.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  Called?

• 10:53Speaker 00

  From the eighties.

• 10:54Speaker 03

  Snowdon?

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Can't remember. It's a celebrity on the front of it in black and white.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  We can have a special coffee table book club.

• 11:04Speaker 03

  Coffee table book club?

• 11:05Speaker 02

  Coffee table book club edition.

• 11:06Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  Featuring William and Jordan.

• 11:08Speaker 00

  Anyway, how's your week been? Have you been cultured like me?

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Well, I haven't been, I've been horticultured. See what I did there? Because, do you know what that means?

• 11:16Speaker 00

  No.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Okay. Uh, like gardening. Let me show you a picture of my cucumber.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  It's my first cucumber I've grown. We talked about growing cucumbers, I think, quite recently. Look, it's in my hand. Look at that.

• 11:32Speaker 00

  Have you grown that?

• 11:33Speaker 03

  I have grown that.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  That's so cool.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  That is girthy.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Thank you very much.

• 11:39Speaker 02

  I didn't know you had it, did you?

• 11:41Speaker 00

  That's so cool.

• 11:43Speaker 03

  I've put it in a salad. So actually it is in me now.

• 11:47Speaker 02

  Did you cut it up before putting it in the salad?

• 11:48Speaker 03

  Yes, I do. I mean, I cut you. Well, I was gonna say you can't take that whole, but.

• 11:54Speaker 03

  I haven't measured it yet. I'm thinking that's a, I'd say that's probably seven, but it's very thick.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Any more for any more? Any more?

• 12:04Speaker 03

  But, so my friend Luke gave us a cucumber plant that was literally only a few weeks ago that was this big. And it is absolutely ginormous on the, the whole plant on the terrace now. And that was our first cucumber. I was so proud.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  I, I, you should be proud of that. It's very cute.

• 12:19Speaker 03

  It's very tasty.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. Bring some in for us next time.

• 12:23Speaker 03

  There is it next to a potato peeler for size comparison. It's quite a big potato peeler. There's it without the potato peeler. So anyway.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  We'll put that picture up on our Instagram grid and you can watch it there carousel, whatever they call it. I had a bit of a run in as well this week. So from art galleries, I'm getting ready for bed. It's about 20 to nine. I'm getting ready for bed. I'm on the toilet. And I hear this massive smash, crash. Some lad on one of those Lime Bikes had got into the back of my car. Right? And I went, shit! Someone's got into a car on a Lime Bike! And then I jumped off the toilet, right? Ran down and he was, he was only like 18, 19 to be fair. And he's caused a bit of damage. So I'm running, he heard me from window, looked up, got on the bike and ran off.

• 13:17Speaker 00

  I chased him halfway down the street.

• 13:18Speaker 03

  Lavatory paper flying behind you.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  In just my shorts and I'm, and then all neighbours come out because all neighbours heard it as well. To be fair, because he was so young, I wouldn't like, I wouldn't have, I would have, I'm more worried if he were all right. So then I'm like half chasing him, literally just in shorts. He's done quite a lot of damage to the back of my car as well. Shit. But also I want to know he's all right because it was only a young lad. And then all neighbours come out, then next door neighbours come out, then one of them saying I might have a door cam. And all of my while I'm thinking, I've not wiped my bum.

• 13:54Speaker 03

  Two messy backsides.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  And I'm thinking, oh shit, I've still not wiped my bum.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  So I'm like trying to get in and then someone's trying to show me doorbell footage. I'm thinking, I really need to wipe my bum now. I've just got a cake. So.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  So.

• 14:19Speaker 00

  So a real, I'm like, all right, well, look, I'm gonna go up now and wipe my bum. And then, but yeah.

• 14:28Speaker 03

  Lovely.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  So that was, that's what happened to me.

• 14:29Speaker 03

  So you don't have this guy's details for insurance?

• 14:32Speaker 00

  And then everyone's apparently said they, you're not gonna find him. So, yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  Have you seen what happened? Like, did he just?

• 14:38Speaker 03

  Have you got the footage?

• 14:39Speaker 02

  What happened?

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Uh, I kind of half seen it anyway. Because I could see it from my bathroom.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Okay. Can you see it from the loo, from sitting on the loo?

• 14:47Speaker 00

  Kind of, yeah.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  And he just cracked, he just drove into the vacuum?

• 14:50Speaker 00

  He heard me shout. I went, someone's gone into the back of fucking car. I'm trying to put me shorts up, ran out, literally just in that. And then he's like, heard me from window, got on and just ran off. All neighbours trying to be neighbourly. I'm there with a shitty arse.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  Can I also just on another update? And actually, maybe this would have prevented you from seeing the accident. Can we have an update when you're blind? Because you were going blind shopping recently.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  No, that's right. That's the same window.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  But you, so have you ordered one yet?

• 15:20Speaker 00

  No.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  Oh, why not?

• 15:21Speaker 00

  It's on the list. It's on the list.

• 15:23Speaker 03

  I thought you were going blind shopping.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  No, I know. I need to, but it's on the list.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  That and the ADHD test and everything else. There's a few.

• 15:31Speaker 03

  Well, I prioritised one of them. Well, speaking of loo's, I actually wanted to talk about lavatory paper or loo roll, whatever you want to call it. Not toilet tissue. I can't stand it. I can't, I don't like the toilet word anyway, but toilet tissue sounds a bit affected.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  Where are you with bog roll?

• 15:44Speaker 03

  No. I mean, I'd rather that than toilet tissue.

• 15:47Speaker 00

  See, I, yeah, I get bog roll. Know where bog roll is?

• 15:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's just what I grew up with.

• 15:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. But why does, why does loo roll, lavatory paper, insert is applicable? Why is now everything, it's got patterns, little dogs on it, like little, or waves? You used to be able to get just plain loo roll with nothing on it. Everywhere now, everything has to have some sort of quilting or effect. Have you not noticed this? Because it annoys me. I just want plain loo roll, but you cannot, for love nor money, in any supermarket, find plain loo roll, whatever material it's made from.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  I think you might be right actually, because I get mine.

• 16:28Speaker 03

  I am right.

• 16:28Speaker 00

  I get mine on prescrip-, not prescription.

• 16:30Speaker 03

  Subscription.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  Subscription.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, so do we. And it's sort of, it's plain-ish, but it's still got a pattern. I just want plain loo roll. Why can't we go back to having plain loo roll?

• 16:39Speaker 00

  Or does anyone, do you remember that old like yellowy one that was really quilted?

• 16:43Speaker 03

  Yellow?

• 16:44Speaker 00

  It was like Nana's had it. It was so nice on your bum. It was so nice on your arse. Hon- honestly, it was.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  Yellow?

• 16:52Speaker 00

  It was like wiping your ring with a cloud and only Nana's had it. It were like, it was like yellowy, like an off white yellow colour. And it was like triple.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  What colour was it?

• 17:04Speaker 00

  Triple quilted. And I remember my grandma saying, because my Vera no longer with us. She was like, when you get to my age, you spend good money on toilet paper. And I remember her telling me that. And she used to buy Nothrills, everything but toilet paper she spent good money on. I think it might, probably Hendrick's or something, but.

• 17:20Speaker 03

  My, not etiquette granny, but my other grandmother used to have a little flamenco woman that went, the skirt went over the spare loo roll on top of the system. It was so common. But they, they had that. And they were doing it ironically. It was this yellow thing. I can still see it, but it was always very weird.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  My grandma, I think my grandma had like a tettly tea woman.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Do you remember the tettly tea woman?

• 17:39Speaker 03

  We should maybe bring back ironic loo roll covers. Maybe we should create our own William and Jordan loo roll. And you can stick a loo roll up us.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  I will keep a lookout for that.

• 17:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:49Speaker 00

  I will keep a lookout.

• 17:50Speaker 03

  But please, if anyone knows of literally plain, good quality, not two ply, I mean, we're going back to tissue chat from the other week, but three ply loo roll, minimum, that is just plain, white, not yellow. Please let me know because I would love to go for that.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  Okay. Yeah, do get in touch.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  Just want a plain loo roll.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  Just, why? Do you not like the ridges or something?

• 18:09Speaker 03

  I don't like it.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  Are you very sensitive down there?

• 18:11Speaker 03

  No, I'm not. It's not sensitive. I just don't like how it looks on the roll holder.

• 18:14Speaker 00

  Oh, no one's gonna go in and think, oh, we've got.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  I just want a plain, hotels manage to have it. Hotels haven't necessarily, not all hotels have gone quilted. So it's clearly available, but just not domestically. Anyway, that's my contribution. The other, the other thing I want to just check is, I know you have yours turned off and some people do, some people don't. But you know, when it goes to two blue ticks or it says red and at the time, whatever message service, do you say, read receipts or red receipts? Because obviously it's spelt the same, but some people call them red receipts. I've always called them read receipts, but I actually have a feeling I might be wrong. And it's red receipts.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Red receipts.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  Because someone has read it. So thus it is a receipt that it has been read, not that it has been read.

• 18:55Speaker 00

  No, I see as.

• 18:56Speaker 03

  But I say read receipts. What do you say, Ben?

• 18:59Speaker 02

  Red receipts. I mean, it's not something that's coming into my sort of vernacular every day.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Well, it has now.

• 19:03Speaker 02

  But I'm glad that you've brought it up.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  Jackie Chops, what do you say? Read. Read. Izzy?

• 19:08Speaker 01

  Red receipts.

• 19:09Speaker 03

  Red receipts. What do you say?

• 19:10Speaker 00

  Stewie? Read.

• 19:12Speaker 03

  Sophia?

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Red.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Red. You see?

• 19:14Speaker 00

  Oh, it's 50/50. I, fair play. I thought, I just read it as red receipts.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  I said it as red.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  Well, I think it probably should be because grammatically that's.

• 19:22Speaker 00

  Red receipts.

• 19:24Speaker 03

  We don't really need any more red.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  Okay. Oh, don't get them started. They've only just started coming around to this studio. I've not had any more red.

• 19:30Speaker 02

  It's the Reed Studio.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Red Reed. I've never thought about it.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  I wonder, we'll do a William Hanson's.

• 19:36Speaker 00

  I'll have as much time on your hands as you.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  He's just finished his little am dram production, hasn't he? So he needs something to do.

• 19:44Speaker 03

  Am dram production.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  I've not really thought about that, but look, if there's any toilet paper that's plain and you see red or read receipts, then do let us know.

• 19:58Speaker 03

  Yes. Send me a message and I might read it.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Are you, are you all ready for the sexted slash?

• 20:05Speaker 03

  Help I sext at my capital breakfast barbecue?

• 20:07Speaker 00

  Oh, that's a great name.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  Well, it's all this time I've got on my hands to think about it.

• 20:12Speaker 00

  Are you ready for the help I sext to my boss capital, help I sext to my capital breakfast shows, uh, barbecue on Saturday?

• 20:19Speaker 03

  I'm like a course, I'm gonna bring my cucumber.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, do. Bring some cucumber. I'll put it in the salad.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  We're gonna play hide the cucumber.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  Oh, great. What a great game.

• 20:28Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  Just be careful with some people. It might pickle.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Not, I'm not, I'm not mentioning any names.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  No.

• 20:36Speaker 00

  Look, 2.30 start.

• 20:38Speaker 03

  2.30 now.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  It's moved back half an hour.

• 20:40Speaker 03

  I thought it was two.

• 20:42Speaker 00

  Was it?

• 20:42Speaker 03

  It's two in my diary.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  No, it's 2.30.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  We'll be there by three.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  We'll call it three, shall we?

• 20:47Speaker 00

  No, no, no, 2.30.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  Dentist's time.

• 20:50Speaker 00

  2.30, two's a bit early, isn't it? Oh, I'll find that.

• 20:54Speaker 03

  So is it a lunch or a dinner?

• 20:55Speaker 00

  It's a barbecue.

• 20:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, great. That's the method of cooking.

• 20:58Speaker 00

  The barbecue probably won't be ready till about four.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  Right, I'll have lunch.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, have lunch. Don't come hungry.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  But don't come.

• 21:04Speaker 03

  I'll have brunch. Tell you what, I'll have brunch because we're gonna have linner, aren't we? Basically, a lunch dinner.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  It'll be about three, four o'clock.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, linner.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  Nobody ever says that.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  Dunch.

• 21:16Speaker 00

  Just let you know, because there's 22 people coming. Just one sausage. And the dog. One sausage, one burger, one coconut cob, one chicken each. Don't show me.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  God, it's like World War Two.

• 21:26Speaker 02

  Goodness me, the TV work has dried up, hasn't it?

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:31Speaker 00

  So that's

• 21:33Speaker 02

  It's got to be, surely it's got to be two sausages each.

• 21:36Speaker 00

  One burger for Ben.

• 21:37Speaker 03

  What happens if I don't want a burger and chicken?

• 21:39Speaker 00

  Well, you can swap amongst yourselves, but I haven't freaking got it. This is why I'm telling you all now and I'm briefing you up and don't show me up in front of them lot. So it's one burger, one sausage each. If you take someone else's burger, if you take an extra burger, you're going to take someone else's. Wait till seconds. I will offer seconds. Salad, go easy because I'm only doing one big one. I'm not making more salad.

• 21:58Speaker 03

  That's why I'm going to bring my cucumbers.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Do you want us to like bring potluck stuff?

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Why don't we cater it for you?

• 22:05Speaker 00

  You can, I mean, what are you thinking?

• 22:07Speaker 02

  Well, to be honest with you, I thought it was going to be fully catered, but if you need to help.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  No, I'm not like, you know, I'm not getting caterers in. I'm actually doing some work.

• 22:13Speaker 03

  I don't cater my, I cater my own barbecues.

• 22:16Speaker 00

  Anyway, bring a bit of booze, but bring ice because you can never have enough ice. Right? If you've got ice, because you can never have enough. Bring ice.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  I'll bring a couple of bags, although it'd be hard with Diego because I can't go into a shop.

• 22:28Speaker 03

  Well, we could meet up and I can hold Diego outside the shop whilst you go, go into the everything shop. It's got everything.

• 22:34Speaker 00

  No, don't go into the everything shop because there'll be none in there because I would have been in in the morning. So get ice before you get to mine because I would have cleared all the.

• 22:41Speaker 03

  You mean on, on the hot, especially two will bring ice.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  One sausage, one burger, one corn on cob, one piece of chicken, salad, don't go mad, potato salad, don't go mad, coleslaw, don't go mad. Brownies for afters. Again, one each. If you want to bring your own booze, you're more than welcome, but we have got loads there. I've got a big beer ordering.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  Will there be Pim's or Spritz's?

• 23:01Speaker 00

  We're doing Russian mules, Moscow mules, but I don't know if you're allowed to do that now because of Putin. So do you know what? We're doing Ukraine rules, mules or whatever they're called.

• 23:11Speaker 03

  You're doing chicken keevs.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're doing, no, going to do Ukraine mules, we're calling them.

• 23:18Speaker 03

  Right.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  Because, yeah.

• 23:20Speaker 03

  And what is that? What was the alcohol in that?

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Vodka.

• 23:23Speaker 03

  Oh, I don't like vodka.

• 23:24Speaker 00

  You do? You love a vodka or a gin martini?

• 23:26Speaker 03

  Gin martini. I'm just going to say the sexta team after party at mine.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  I knew that would wind you up.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Uh, got in a new subwoofer as well. So we'll get the tunes on.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  What's his name?

• 23:39Speaker 02

  Wurf, Wurf.

• 23:41Speaker 00

  Subwoofer.

• 23:42Speaker 03

  Diego's a bit of a subwoofer.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  I'll be there, Jules. I'll be there. I'm, I'm vegetarian, remember? I'm a very vegetarian dog, so I will be there. But I'll have a little bit of sausage under the table if you want to sneak me some.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  Can I check one thing? Because obviously there, what we haven't discussed is the fact that it's two separate teams coming.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  Is there going to be a divide?

• 24:03Speaker 02

  Do you have, do you have any ideas for bridging the divide? Because I, I feel like that's an important element of the podcast. We can't have it like a school disco with boys over here, girls over there.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Perfect way, right? And it involves me.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  Just go in, especially Callum. I want Callum, executive producer Callum and executive producer Ben and chairman of motors, Stu. Just go, King Jordan's nightmare, isn't he? And then that'll be it.

• 24:31Speaker 03

  Oh, well, we will.

• 24:32Speaker 00

  And you can all just slag me off to the others. Like Jack can go over to Jimmy and be like, hates new ideas, doesn't he? And like just slag him off to me. You can go over to Izzy, you can go over to Maddie, who does our socials and be like, nightmare with clips, isn't he? Says something on the radio, but doesn't want you to clip it up on social media. Can all slag me off and then you.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  Sean and Chris.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Sean and Chris. You can have a, you can all have a field day. My ears might be burning, but I'll probably think it's from the barbecue.

• 25:01Speaker 03

  So will the sausages be.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  So there you go.

• 25:03Speaker 03

  Okay, that's a lovely idea.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  You can all slag me off together and how much of a nightmare I am, even though again this week I brought in snacks.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  We wouldn't, we wouldn't be doing that. Of course we wouldn't be doing that.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  Not in front of you.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  That would be at William's after party.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  Listen, I've got cucumbers and I've got a barbecue and more than one sausage each. You know, what more do you need for a good time? You of course can't come to my little soiree in September because you're doing Doncaster races.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  Which is just.

• 25:35Speaker 03

  Which is hilarious because I didn't realise, of course, I didn't get as far as being given the date for Doncaster races when they were considering having me. So I didn't know that that was the date.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  I don't know if we've mentioned it. It was, it was part of one of the sketches on tour, but William got asked to do Doncaster races. I think we have mentioned it on the pod.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  I submitted my music.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  And they said.

• 25:53Speaker 03

  Maybe next year.

• 25:54Speaker 00

  But me and William have the same agent, so he's pulled the blinder and said, how about Jordan?

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  And he's cheaper.

• 25:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  So I've got the gig. Now ultimately William's having his September soiree.

• 26:05Speaker 03

  Hmm. And you're, you're unavailable.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  And the invite came through. It said, what was it? It was drinks.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  Tasty little morsels.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  Drinks, twinks and.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  It did not say twinks. Thank you very much.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  After, what was it? Drinks, twinks and.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Executive nibbles.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Executive nibbles, it said. So, yeah.

• 26:24Speaker 03

  Well, we're going to light a candle for you.

• 26:26Speaker 00

  Thanks.

• 26:26Speaker 03

  Because last time we did one, Patricia Routledge had just died, so we had a little, like, she didn't have a candle for her. This year we're going to light the same candle and sort of all be, all be quiet and think of you.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  And tell all the West London twinks I said hello.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  I shall do. Yes. Shall we go on to a jolly joke of the week?

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Let's do it. Cue the jingle.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  This week's jolly joke of the week is from Gareth Barringer via Gen Z Izzy.

• 27:07Speaker 03

  Gareth Barringer? That's a lovely name.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. What do you call a northern sarcastic cowboy?

• 27:13Speaker 03

  Jordan North.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

• 27:18Speaker 00

  All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. It's now time for Jordan's jolly joke of the week. This one is from Gareth Barringer via Gen Z Izzy, who works on the team. What do you call a northern sarcastic cowboy?

• 27:28Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 27:29Speaker 00

  Text piss.

• 27:32Speaker 00

  Text piss.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  It's funny. I like that.

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected]. Or you can DM us. We're at Sex and My Boss on the socials.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  Our first dilemma is from Jake. Hello, William, Jordan and producer Ben. I love Big Willie and George's all right, I guess. I've got a dilemma and I'd love each of your perspectives. I rent out spare rooms in my house. Spare rooms, gosh. And one of my tenants moved out in October 2025. It's now the end of July 2026 and the old codger is still having all his posts sent to my house. I have so many thoughts on this already. Fair enough for a couple of weeks, but it's now been 10 months. Letters keep arriving, parcels keep arriving. Some weeks I've got multiple boxes piled up on the stairs and I've nearly gone ass over tit tripping over them. Every time I see him, I'm polite. Every time he says, I'm sorting something out, he's clearly not. So here's my dilemma. Do I start returning everything to the sender or do I keep accepting it and hope he eventually sorts himself out?

• 28:29Speaker 03

  Your advice would be much appreciated. Yours faithfully Jake and Dog, reporting live from the big green window cleaning machine somewhere in Eastbourne, otherwise known as God's waiting room. Eastbourne is, um, known for an older demographic.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 28:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Also, but tits are great saying as well. I, I probably should take this moment to apologise to all the previous places I've lived because this must be me. I never, I, I never changed. And even, I, I didn't think this was a thing, but

• 29:01Speaker 00

  I remember once someone sent it to me and it was a big wad of, I don't even open posts now.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  What?

• 29:06Speaker 00

  I know, I never open.

• 29:08Speaker 03

  Do you not get fan mail?

• 29:09Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  I suppose not.

• 29:10Speaker 00

  So I probably should apologise to everyone that's lived in all the places previous. Apologise.

• 29:16Speaker 03

  Right. Can I just say to everyone, especially when you're moving house, a Royal Mail redirect is one of the best things on earth. It is not that expensive. You can do it for a month, three months, six months, a year. I've actually just renewed ours because we're coming up to a year in our current house. So I've just renewed it for six months just to take us through Christmas, in case there are any Christmas cards that go astray and people have lost our new address. But the previous occupants of our house, who are gorgeous, lovely people, did not bother to do a Royal Mail redirect. And it has been an absolute nightmare to begin with. To be fair, they only went.

• 29:47Speaker 00

  Bin it.

• 29:48Speaker 03

  No, because no, because some of them were clearly like bank cards and things. I'm like, why have you not told your bank? You have moved house.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  Who does that?

• 29:56Speaker 03

  Who tells their bank they've moved house?

• 29:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, who does, who's got time for, you see, this is you because this is, because this is going to.

• 30:02Speaker 03

  When you move house, almost the first person you tell other than the land registry is the bank.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  Who's the land registry? I don't, I don't. I, I moved a year ago and I've not told my bank until I've got my new debit card.

• 30:14Speaker 03

  What do you mean you've not told your bank?

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Well, why do you need to tell them? Who's got time to bring the bank up and go, Aya? Yeah, yeah. No, it's me. Password, oh, what would name of the first pet now? Yeah. I've moved house. Right. Thanks.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  Sorry, am I in a completely?

• 30:29Speaker 02

  You tell them your new address. You don't just say I've moved house.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, they don't care that you've moved.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  Anyway, go on.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  You can do it in the app.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  Can you?

• 30:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, you, I, you, I'm speechless that you have not done that because you moved about a month before me. You absolutely have to.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  I bet you haven't getting all my old mail at that one.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  You're missing out. Oh no, to be fair, I would love me sending mail to your new address, but.

• 30:52Speaker 00

  If they want me, they'll find me. If it's important, it'll get to me.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  Well, I, there's, you know, there's lots of marketing fluff that, you know, can be thrown away, but it really used to annoy, it would really annoy me now. Initially with the, uh, the old occupants of our house, I would collate it and every week I'd send them a text saying, would you like to come and collect shit? They were only a couple of streets away.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Bet you did.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  Or shall I run it round? Then they were redoing their house, so they weren't then living there. So I didn't know where they were. So then I started sort of crossing out their address and put return to sender moved. So it would go back to the sender and then hopefully they would get in touch with them. And now if it looks unimportant, yeah, it does go in the bin because it's been a year.

• 31:28Speaker 00

  Um, so is that what you're saying?

• 31:31Speaker 03

  Get a Royal Mail redirect. But I think now if he's doing it, just bin it.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  I think return to sender if it's bothering you that much.

• 31:36Speaker 03

  Return to sender if you can be bothered. But after that, I think, yeah, bin it. It's their mail. It's their problem, not yours.

• 31:41Speaker 00

  I messaged them because an, uh, an M and S package came. I said, you sent it to the wrong one. I said, do you want me to pop round? He said, just keep it. Some leggings for the one.

• 31:52Speaker 03

  That's very generous of you.

• 31:53Speaker 00

  You were happy, so.

• 31:55Speaker 03

  This is from Lara. Dearest William Jordan and the team, greetings from Iceland.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  Ah, hei kun chann chaa.

• 32:01Speaker 03

  No, she's in.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  I made that up.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  She's in the shop.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  What is, what is it hacking?

• 32:06Speaker 03

  What?

• 32:06Speaker 00

  How do you say hello in Iceland?

• 32:08Speaker 03

  Icelandic.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  Icelandic. How do you say hello in Iceland? Hi, I love you, all right? We've got two for one.

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Do you want some frozen chicken nuggets?

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 32:18Speaker 03

  Hello. Hello.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  Uh, there are more sheep than people in Iceland. Winters last about 11 months and we treat double-digit temperatures like a national holiday. Firstly, thank you for keeping me company.

• 32:27Speaker 00

  Is it genuinely cold in Iceland? They don't have summers.

• 32:31Speaker 03

  Have I entered the twilight zone today? Is it cold in Iceland? It's got ice in the title.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  I mean, Greenland's not actually green, is it?

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Well, no, okay.

• 32:42Speaker 00

  So is Iceland actually?

• 32:43Speaker 03

  The United Kingdom, not that united, but you know, whatever.

• 32:44Speaker 00

  So they have 11 months of winter? Oh, wow.

• 32:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, according to Lara.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  Okay, sorry.

• 32:51Speaker 03

  Anyway, firstly, thank you for keeping me company in walks, car journeys and household chores. I've laughed out loud so many times that my coworkers probably think I've completely lost it. Now for my dilemma. At standing concerts, I always arrive early to get as close to the front as possible, but inevitably, just before the support act or between sets, nature calls. Can I reclaim my place because my friend has stayed there the whole time? Or is squeezing back through a crowd a concert crime? Yours faithfully, Lara. I've never stood for anything. So I have nothing to.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  I think if you've been there and your friend's there, you can absolutely squeeze through.

• 33:24Speaker 03

  I would say, yeah, if your friend's there.

• 33:25Speaker 00

  You've never been at a gig. It's quite annoying when people are squeezing.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  I have been at a gig, but I was seated.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  When people are squeezing past at a gig, I don't mind it. And I'm, I'm one of those where if you want to get to the front, crack on. I'm here. Some people are proper nubs about it, like don't move and shoulder them out of the way. Let them if they want to go to the front, if it's safe to do so. It's not going to cause a crush. But no, yeah, absolutely. Um, if you've been there since the start and your friend's there and you've gone to the toilet, of course you can. That's the other thing when people don't let them pass, is like go through. Or wee in a cup.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  What?

• 33:58Speaker 00

  Wee in a little plastic cup.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  Oh, I wouldn't do that in a crowd.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  I did that. Did that at Glastonbury when I first went. Just wee in a little cup, don't you, underneath your poncho?

• 34:08Speaker 03

  Why are you in a poncho?

• 34:09Speaker 00

  Because you're pissed down.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  Oh, I see. Okay, fine.

• 34:11Speaker 02

  In more ways than one.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  When we were at Disney, we were there, literally when we arrived, it was literally spitting. It was like not even rain and Mikey insisted we bought a poncho. So 13 euros later, we bought a poncho that he wore for two minutes.

• 34:26Speaker 00

  Was it a Disney?

• 34:27Speaker 03

  I was delighted.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  Was it a Disney branded one?

• 34:29Speaker 03

  Yes, of course it was.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  See-through?

• 34:31Speaker 03

  I could see through it.

• 34:32Speaker 00

  Oh, clear.

• 34:34Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 34:34Speaker 00

  I went to Glastonbury, I think I've talked about this. We see live ones and it was like.

• 34:39Speaker 03

  You went to Glastonbury with a sea life poncho?

• 34:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, my mum packed it. We got it from Sea World.

• 34:44Speaker 03

  Cute. Well, at least it's reused.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it got a bit, it's all hippie and left-wing in it.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Oh, and they didn't like Shamu.

• 34:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, they didn't, they didn't agree with Sea World. Oh, we're 21, 22, I'm on. I'm not a big wide world.

• 34:57Speaker 03

  No.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  It's got from Florida.

• 34:58Speaker 02

  Have you seen that there are more, there've been a few like reports of people doing number twos at the front of concerts recently?

• 35:04Speaker 00

  Oh, the dirty gats.

• 35:06Speaker 02

  Olivia Rodrigo and Noah Khan?

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Olivia Rodrigo didn't do a poo on stage.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  They didn't do the poo. They didn't do the poo. They, they, they pleaded to the, they could smell it.

• 35:15Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  Who?

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Olivia and Noah. And they said to the crowd, can you stop, can you not do that?

• 35:22Speaker 00

  What, they watch people pooing or just?

• 35:24Speaker 02

  They watch. I'm not, I'm not casting a suspicion against Noah and Olivia.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  That's turned my stomach. It's bad enough me running out on front street without wiping my bum, but that's a different level, isn't it?

• 35:33Speaker 03

  Wow. Okay.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  So don't do that.

• 35:36Speaker 03

  Don't, please don't do a poo in the open.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  No.

• 35:38Speaker 03

  This is from Harry, H A double R I E. Hello, William and Jordan. What's the etiquette when you find your boyfriend using your neighbour's dildo? A parcel was accidentally delivered to our house in his haste. My boyfriend ripped it open before checking the label, revealing a pink, sparkly suction cup dildo addressed to our neighbour. Naturally, we had a good laugh. Rather than endure the awkwardness of explaining, we'd opened it, we'd agreed to bin it and never speak of it again. Fast forward a week, I've been away on a girl's trip and was very excited to see my boyfriend. After I'd unpacked, things started to get a bit frisky. He said, do you want to see what I've been up to while you were away? Against my better judgment, I said yes. He disappeared for a moment, then returned with a suction cup dildo, firmly attached it to a book and climbed on top and rode it like he was trying to qualify for the Olympics.

• 36:20Speaker 00

  Sorry, hang on, is this a girl, Harry?

• 36:22Speaker 03

  Yes, with a male partner, I assume. Then he, it was his boyfriend. Then he looked me dead in the eyes and asked, do you like what you see? Panicking, I squeaked, oh, yeah. Not to yuck anyone's yum, but it did absolutely nothing for me. In fact, he was enjoying himself so much that by the time he'd finished, the moment was very much over. We're no longer together, but I still have one burning question. Should we have returned the neighbour's dildo before my boyfriend christened it? Well, yes, any male that is not addressed to you is not yours. So give it to your neighbour. It's not like you're having to, you know, schlep to the down-to-the-hebrides. You're going next door. So yes, pass it on to them, regardless of whether you've opened it. And don't open the box.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  And is Harry a girl?

• 36:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 36:59Speaker 00

  And her boyfriend?

• 37:01Speaker 03

  A lot of men of the heterosexual persuasion like that. It all goes on.

• 37:07Speaker 00

  Well, no, I don't think you should return your neighbour's dildo or anyone's dildo that you've used back to them.

• 37:16Speaker 03

  You, no, you, I know, if you've used it, which you shouldn't be using it, you don't then go, oh, by, yeah, here's this, by the way, we had a lovely time. But you should return it before opening it or before it opens anything else.

• 37:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. And don't open people's

• 37:31Speaker 00

  packages.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  What's a suction one? What does that mean?

• 37:36Speaker 02

  I think it means.

• 37:37Speaker 03

  This barbecue's going to get better by the minute, isn't it?

• 37:40Speaker 02

  It suctions on to something.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:43Speaker 02

  So he's attached it to, to a book.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  Oh, like when, like in old days when your dad used to have a tom-tom and.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  Exactly like that.

• 37:51Speaker 00

  Stick it to the window.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  So would you have to lick it and stick it?

• 37:55Speaker 02

  You'd probably have to lick it. It doesn't actually say which book that they attach the dildo to. I imagine it would be a coffee book. A coffee table book would make sense. It'd have to be quite a big one.

• 38:05Speaker 00

  Only I could get from a tom-tom to a dildo. I'm quite impressed with that.

• 38:09Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  But it would have to be a big one because you, you, yeah, well done. Um, you'd have to be able to, it would have to have like a good suction to stay on something. It would like to like weight it down.

• 38:18Speaker 03

  You'd probably have to take the dust cover off, maybe. Or maybe you wouldn't actually, maybe that would provide a smooth surface.

• 38:24Speaker 02

  The dust cover off probably.

• 38:25Speaker 00

  Harry, yeah, don't return a dildo that you've used.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  I've got a good idea for a host gift though for you on Saturday.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  I don't want any.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, where are we? I was thinking about that.

• 38:33Speaker 03

  I've actually already sorted a host gift.

• 38:35Speaker 00

  I don't want, I, listen, lads, listen, I don't want any gifts. I've got so, I've got everything I want, honestly.

• 38:43Speaker 03

  Could we bring?

• 38:44Speaker 02

  Oh, that's nice.

• 38:44Speaker 00

  Genuinely, don't bring gifts.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  How about we bring sausages?

• 38:48Speaker 00

  What?

• 38:49Speaker 03

  And food.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  No, don't bring gifts. I don't need, I just make sure, bring your good stuff, genuinely, don't bring me out. I don't want any or tat in my house.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  He jokes, but this is from Leon. Dear William, Jordan, PB and all the good people of Sexted, greetings from the Netherlands.

• 39:04Speaker 00

  Ah, for some good, I can't call.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  Under the broch. I'm a 50-year-old gene diva and have been listening for years. Your podcast keeps me company while I'm cleaning, gardening and doing the dishes. William, I particularly enjoy your little digs you slip in at Jordan's expense, often without him noticing.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  It's true.

• 39:20Speaker 00

  Six years and I've still not clicked on.

• 39:21Speaker 03

  Eight.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  Is it eight? Okay.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  Um, I'm a single mum to, and there's a friend that says sometimes there are two podcasts going on at the same time. There's the podcast that you're on and the podcast that's on.

• 39:34Speaker 00

  True. It's very true.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  Anyway, I'm a single mum to two wonderful daughters, Iris, 21, and Yasmin, who turns 20 in September. Both still live at home because finding housing in the Netherlands is almost impossible.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  They've got a housing crisis as well.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  Oh, I said Leon. It's, I think it's Leanne. Sorry. I'm a single mum with two wonderful daughters, et cetera. Earlier this year, they both started dating lovely young men. Since the boys still live with their parents too, they usually spend weekends at our house, bringing plenty of laughter, chaos, cooking, cleaning and laundry. Naturally, my daughters also spend weekends at their boyfriend's family homes and I'd like to think I've raised them to be polite and respectful guests. That got me wondering, should I be making an effort to meet the parents? Is it good etiquette to arrange a get-to-know-you meeting with each set of parents? Or is that something that only happens much later, if at all? Oh my God, they put it in Dutch. Veel liefst en warmen groot. Yeah.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  Imbecile, it's veal leaves on one gout.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  Leanne, you're less than who got it all correct.

• 40:30Speaker 00

  Um, do you know what? It may, maybe it is now time to suggest you meet for coffee.

• 40:35Speaker 03

  But I don't know, how, how long have they been? Um, early this year?

• 40:38Speaker 00

  Or you, you could meet, you can meet when you're next dropping them off outside the house and just say.

• 40:42Speaker 03

  An unofficial greeting.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, just say, oh, is your mum, is your mum in? Are you taking Britain? Is your mum and dad in? Is your pop in? And say, hi, uh, I'm Wendy.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  Or Leanne.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  Leanne. Leanne would say, um, veal leaves on one gout to them and then see what they say.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  Veal leaves on warm and gruthen.

• 40:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then, and maybe just pop in at the door and say hello to them.

• 41:02Speaker 03

  That, I think that's nice.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  And then do, we should do coffee sometime. Do they do coffee at Neverland?

• 41:07Speaker 03

  They do, yes.

• 41:08Speaker 00

  Do they?

• 41:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:09Speaker 00

  So yeah, that's how I'd go. Yeah. If you'd like to meet and suggest.

• 41:12Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 41:12Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  Yeah. Uh, if it's only early this year, I would say it's probably a bit soon to start doing. And also they, if I'm honest, you know, they're 21 and 20.

• 41:22Speaker 03

  Dare I say it? Please don't play this to them. Maybe pause it. Maybe not who they're, not, not necessarily who they're going to spend the rest of their lives with. So.

• 41:29Speaker 00

  Wow. Well, you never know. My mum and dad have been together since we were 50.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  But that's a different generation, isn't it?

• 41:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, true.

• 41:35Speaker 03

  So, no, just, just my thoughts. Our final dilemma is from anonymous. Dear William Jordan and the Sexed team, just a quick note. Ask for a little advice on the art of douching before intercourse. I'm a happily married man and after 20 years together, my wife, wife and I have recently ventured into the world of pecking.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  Oh, Jesus.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  So far, we've been lucky and haven't.

• 41:54Speaker 00

  Do you know last week we had the lovely one about the card and what we're winning the envelope? And it did really well on socials and everyone was happy.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  It's because I posted it.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  And we all went to bed, all very nice and wholesome. And we're back to this. Go on.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Wholesome in a different way. I'm a happily married man. After 20 years together, my wife and I have recently ventured into the world of pecking. So far, we've been lucky and haven't had any unexpected incidents, but I'd like to keep it that way. My question is, what's the proper etiquette when it comes to preparing? How long beforehand should you douche? How much water should you use? How long should you wait before getting down to business? I'd love to avoid any surprises that might put us off in the future. Thanks for your help. Anonymous slash Ben.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  I've added that.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  What? No, that's not there.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  It was. Someone deleted it.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  We're here to offer advice. Well, you know, there is a thing called Google or YouTube. I'm sure there's YouTube videos on it.

• 42:42Speaker 03

  Or YouPorn.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Uh, William Hanson, how does one douche?

• 42:48Speaker 03

  Um, from what I'm told.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  By friends. Uh, I wouldn't do it immediately before. I'd do it and then wait a bit.

• 42:56Speaker 00

  How long's a bit?

• 42:57Speaker 03

  Half an hour.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 42:59Speaker 03

  It's fine. Minimum.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Is that for dribbleage?

• 43:01Speaker 03

  No, just to let the body recover.

• 43:03Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 43:04Speaker 03

  I wouldn't use cold water. I wouldn't use hot water. I'd use the warm water.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  And I would then sterilise your douche afterwards, in the interest of good hygiene.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  And how far does one douche? Does it go right up on your, what does, what, like, how?

• 43:23Speaker 03

  Uh, well, just, just the tip, just enough to go in.

• 43:25Speaker 00

  Okay. And just give it a good clean.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  Often they're not that big. They're only about that big.

• 43:28Speaker 00

  And just give it a good clean.

• 43:30Speaker 03

  Give it a very good clean, sterilise it, boiling water or pop, pop the.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  No, I mean, your arse.

• 43:33Speaker 03

  Oh, the.

• 43:35Speaker 00

  Could you put it in the dishwasher?

• 43:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:38Speaker 00

  No.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  I wouldn't put anything else in the dishwasher, but yeah, you put it in the dishwasher.

• 43:42Speaker 00

  Apparently you can, you wash your dildos in a dishwasher, can't you? Sex toys.

• 43:46Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 43:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:47Speaker 03

  Handcuffs. Um, I would, in fact, there's a scene in Desperate Housewives where Bree wrecks her husband at the time, at the start of the series, uh, gets into all of that. And then Bree, you, there's a shot from inside the dishwasher. She's taking the, uh, handcuffs out of the dishwasher. And it's only the handcuffs in the dishwasher. It's quite funny. Um, but yeah, I would just, and you just do it until it feels clean.

• 44:12Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 44:12Speaker 03

  So it's subjective. It depends what you've eaten, depends what time of day it is, depends what your normal routine is with bowel movements, basically.

• 44:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:21Speaker 03

  But just don't, you can also over douche, I'm told as well. So just, I am literally told. So don't over douche.

• 44:28Speaker 00

  What's over?

• 44:29Speaker 03

  As in do it for too long and like get a bit anal, ho, ho, about it. And just like going, oh, I have to keep doing this and keep doing this and keep doing this and keep doing this and keep, and like, there is too much.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  Okay. Yeah. Don't, yeah. And if, don't be like having a proper hot spicy curry.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  There are certain foods that you should probably avoid.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  And then being like, do you want to go home today and have a right good pecking after it when you're on the same.

• 44:53Speaker 03

  I've had a booner, I fancy a boner. That sort of thing. We don't, we don't want that.

• 44:58Speaker 00

  Liam Hansen, very good. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  In all seriousness, there will be guides that are much more useful than what we have just said.

• 45:06Speaker 00

  That's a very good point.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  And I'm also saying this now, Izzy, this is not a social clip.

• 45:11Speaker 00

  That is a very good point. Proper, there'll be proper guides on YouTube and Google and stuff.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  Not on, probably not on YouTube, probably, but there will be guides on the internet.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. And, and for like any of our younger listeners and stuff, don't be put off by it. Like, we probably, you probably.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  It's there to help your enjoyment.

• 45:24Speaker 00

  Exactly. There probably is proper guides and stuff. So maybe go for that. Uh, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday, Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can even watch us on YouTube now as well. We put the full episodes up on there every release day. So you could watch how you're douching and put us on.

• 45:38Speaker 03

  Yes, Jordan's doing a video for you.

• 45:42Speaker 00

  Just head to YouTube.

• 45:42Speaker 03

  See his weekend release.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  Very good. Just head to YouTube and search for Sexton. Goodbye.

• 45:51Speaker 03

  Goodbye.

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