Help I’ve Been Wiping My Face With His D*ck Towel | And EVERYONE’S Horny

After a G&Diva casually mentions they like to keep track of who they thought was the most amusing in each episode, William and Jordan decide to actively compete in being the funniest person on the podcast. There's also a 'horny' atmosphere in the air, and Jordan is convinced he knows why. The boys also tackle your dilemmas involving growing a wispy moustache and finding out your partner has been using your face towel to clean their genitals. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Mr. Monopoly here. Miss me? Monopoly is back at McDonald's with millions of prizes. A 2027 Jeep Cherokee, a Carnival Cruise vacation, gift cards from DoorDash and Best Buy. Feel free in the McDonald's app. Get your bag.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  No purchase necessary. 50 US and DC age 18 plus. See playatmcd.com for rules and playatmcd.com/amoe for info and playing without purchase by mail by November 2. Chess card game ends November 8. Game ends November 22, 2026. See rules for prize details. Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro.

• 0:30Speaker 02

  Hello, this is Suzy Ruffel.

• 0:31Speaker 03

  And Maisy Adam.

• 0:32Speaker 02

  And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey Mais, what is it?

• 0:35Speaker 03

  Only the best podcast ever.

• 0:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:37Speaker 03

  A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel.

• 0:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping, too.

• 0:49Speaker 03

  Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip. Chow down on the gossip.

• 0:51Speaker 02

  Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. Just need to search Big Kick Energy.

• 0:57Speaker 03

  Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.

• 1:07Speaker 04

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when your mum becomes a gay icon after wearing a I Heart Gays t-shirt? Go on, what's your mum called? Sarah. Or how do you admit to your partner you need to get a spreadsheet out to track your body count? And of course, what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually liking the answer, are we? William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert.

• 1:40Speaker 05

  No, we're not. Jordan North, Capital Radio Show host. You're more doodle doodle loo. I'm more any cock will do. It's not normally the way around we do it.

• 1:48Speaker 04

  I like that.

• 1:49Speaker 05

  And also, so much to say. That's from Mara, who was inspired by a card she found in Affleck's Palace.

• 1:56Speaker 04

  What's Affleck's?

• 1:56Speaker 05

  It's in Manchester. I went when I lived there.

• 1:59Speaker 04

  Ben Affleck's house?

• 2:00Speaker 05

  No, I thought it was National Trust, but apparently it's a department store thing. It says, "The only difference between you and a cockerel is the cockerel says cock-a-doodle-loo and you say any cock..." Will do.

• 2:10Speaker 04

  Very good.

• 2:11Speaker 05

  Lovely. Well, Mara, you need to pay closer attention to the podcast.

• 2:14Speaker 04

  Very good cards out at the moment, some really funny ones.

• 2:17Speaker 05

  I love a funny card.

• 2:18Speaker 04

  There is. Well, there is in Scribler and stuff.

• 2:21Speaker 05

  We, someone I know, sent a funny card to a relative, a parent, let's put it that way. And the parent was really offended. It wasn't an offensive card. It wasn't like that one. It was just a witticism. And the parent was really offended that they didn't send a sincere card. You know those cards that have poems on them?

• 2:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:39Speaker 05

  You're going like, you're the best son, or you're the best daughter-in-law I could ever imagine, et cetera. I can't stand those. It's got to be a funny card.

• 2:47Speaker 04

  I see. Do you, where are you? I was gonna say, where are your unfunny cards? Cause I always send you funny cards.

• 2:52Speaker 05

  Yes, I always send, always.

• 2:53Speaker 04

  Do you send your parents ones?

• 2:54Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 2:55Speaker 04

  Your parent, I don't send me mum one, but I send me dad one.

• 2:58Speaker 05

  Do you send your mother a card?

• 2:59Speaker 04

  I send her a card, but I won't send her a funny one.

• 3:01Speaker 05

  Oh no, I always send. I've sent my mother one about drinking alcohol. It's her birthday coming up.

• 3:06Speaker 04

  It's very close to home, darling. I had a sense of humour fairly, but thank God it's my birthday, so I pissed on champagne from two nights before.

• 3:14Speaker 05

  Um, talking of.

• 3:15Speaker 06

  Hi guys.

• 3:15Speaker 05

  Oh, hello Ben.

• 3:16Speaker 06

  I would say though, that in those card shops, some of the cards are absolutely savage.

• 3:20Speaker 05

  Yes, my uncle gets the really rude cards from me, cause he sends me really rude cards. And I've got him one, I think this year's, it said, it was like a window with night sky. And some stars. And it said, the Coldplay lyrics, "Look at the stars, look how they shine for you." And they just were there saying, "Twat."

• 3:36Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 3:37Speaker 05

  Or maybe something stronger, I forget.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  One that's like, you've got a big arse, but your arse is bigger. Happy birthday mum. And it's just like, Christ.

• 3:44Speaker 05

  No, I wouldn't send that.

• 3:45Speaker 04

  No.

• 3:45Speaker 06

  What do you do with your old birthday cards?

• 3:47Speaker 05

  I do keep certain ones.

• 3:48Speaker 04

  I do as well.

• 3:49Speaker 06

  The good ones.

• 3:50Speaker 04

  I've got a memory box now. It's more of a.

• 3:52Speaker 05

  You keep forgetting where you put it.

• 3:54Speaker 04

  No. It's turned into like, it used to be a shoebox, but now.

• 3:58Speaker 05

  Well, that's used for other things.

• 4:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, isn't that under your bed?

• 4:01Speaker 04

  No, it's an old hairdryer box now. Um.

• 4:07Speaker 06

  You'll be onto a vacuum cleaner soon.

• 4:09Speaker 04

  Um, but, but now, I've got like a big MDF box full of memories.

• 4:15Speaker 05

  An MDF box?

• 4:18Speaker 06

  A coffin.

• 4:19Speaker 04

  Big cardboard box.

• 4:20Speaker 05

  Gosh, well, how lovely. Look, here is a drink for you. It's a little bit on the table, but don't mind.

• 4:26Speaker 04

  What drink have you got, gee?

• 4:27Speaker 05

  Oh, I've gone for, call me unfashioned, you don't drink it anyway, so what does it matter? Gin and Toboly. Um, this week's toast goes to, uh, Misha, who Sister Ella sent in this message. Hi, boys. A few years ago, I messaged you in the hope of surprising my sister with tour tickets for her birthday. Thanks to you, we ended up coming to see you in London together, and it's still one of my favourite memories. Since then, we've listened to every episode on the way to work, followed naturally by a post-episode debrief, where we solve the world's problems and decide who was the funniest that week. It's always William. Fast, I might have added, fast forward a few years and I'm getting married in September 2027. My sister, Misha, uh, pronounced Misha because my parents enjoy keeping strangers on their toes,

• 5:06Speaker 05

  isn't just my sister, she's my absolute best friend. I wondered if you might help me ask her one very important question. Would you be willing to ask Misha if she'll be my maid of honour?

• 5:16Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 5:17Speaker 05

  It would genuinely mean the world to us both, and I can't imagine my wedding day without her beside me. Thank you for all the laughs over the years. Whether the answer is yes, no, or absolutely not, I'll still be listening every Tuesday and Friday. Lots of love, Ella Brown.

• 5:29Speaker 04

  Now, there's a good chance with, uh, Ben being in charge of the admin that they've been happily married, might be divorced by now.

• 5:35Speaker 05

  Onto the second.

• 5:36Speaker 04

  And this could have been sent months ago, years ago.

• 5:39Speaker 06

  Says, what, hang on a second.

• 5:42Speaker 04

  However, if that's not the case, and Ella's still not heard this, then congratulations.

• 5:49Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 5:49Speaker 04

  And Misha, she wants it to be.

• 5:50Speaker 05

  Misha, would you like to be her maid of honour?

• 5:52Speaker 04

  Maid of honour.

• 5:53Speaker 05

  I'm sure the answer is a resounding yes. This is to both you, Misha and Ella.

• 5:57Speaker 06

  Very great. Can I just come back on that after the nice moment?

• 5:59Speaker 04

  You know the rules, you have no right to reply on this podcast.

• 6:03Speaker 06

  Well, I do because I've got a button now, and if it was a handwritten reply, then that would be all the case. But it was an email, so that came in this week.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  All right, will you email them to let them know that it's going to be going out on Tuesday so they can listen to it together? Because that'd be a special moment.

• 6:16Speaker 05

  I think they listen anyway.

• 6:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, but they might listen ahead.

• 6:18Speaker 06

  The other thing I wanted to just pick up on from that, um, from that message was, did you spot the bit where it says that each time there's an episode, they vote for who was funniest?

• 6:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:27Speaker 05

  Hmm. No, we're not doing that on socials.

• 6:29Speaker 06

  I think we should do that for this, today's episode.

• 6:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, I reckon that's it. You're on.

• 6:33Speaker 05

  Oh, because you'll win.

• 6:35Speaker 04

  No, I'm not funny.

• 6:36Speaker 06

  No, you have to.

• 6:37Speaker 05

  No, I know, but you'll still win.

• 6:38Speaker 04

  That's a great, see, that's why he's a good producer. That's.

• 6:41Speaker 06

  Well, it crossed my mind that maybe like we should do it for the entire back catalogue and have like, then we'd have a final score.

• 6:47Speaker 05

  Who can remember episode 402?

• 6:49Speaker 06

  No, whatever.

• 6:50Speaker 04

  We'll do this for the socials.

• 6:51Speaker 06

  Yeah, we'll do it for today.

• 6:52Speaker 04

  For today's episode of Help, I Sex and My Bus, who do you think was the funniest? Myself or William? Vote now.

• 7:00Speaker 05

  William or me?

• 7:02Speaker 06

  Well, don't vote now. We vote at the end of the episode.

• 7:04Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah. Let's at least do the episode. I'm actually going to not make any jokes because I don't, I want, I just can't be bothered.

• 7:10Speaker 04

  No, don't, don't.

• 7:11Speaker 05

  They're gonna, they're gonna vote for you anyway, Jordan.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  When you try to be funny, it's never that funny.

• 7:18Speaker 06

  It's a good start.

• 7:19Speaker 05

  I'm still waiting for you to try.

• 7:22Speaker 04

  Oh, we've started. We've started.

• 7:24Speaker 05

  That's a lovely waffle effect top you're wearing.

• 7:28Speaker 05

  I want to have a towel.

• 7:30Speaker 04

  See, when you try, it's not funny.

• 7:32Speaker 05

  That wasn't, I wasn't trying to be funny. That was just me being a bitch.

• 7:35Speaker 04

  Anyway, how's your week been, superstar?

• 7:38Speaker 05

  Yes, it's been absolutely fine. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch me entitle it.

• 7:41Speaker 04

  It was amazing. Gene, so many lovely Gene Divers there as well.

• 7:46Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 7:47Speaker 04

  Honestly, it was great. Like, I've got to meet so many lovely people that listen to podcasts and were going to see you. It was great. Um, there was a woman there that had been down three times to see you.

• 7:57Speaker 05

  We have people that come every night.

• 7:59Speaker 04

  Really?

• 8:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 04

  So like you with?

• 8:03Speaker 05

  They, they see whoever's in the cast. They, they're not coming because of me. They have seen the show. And let's put it this way, I'm, they're all lovely and I met one of them, yes, I said hello to one of them yesterday at Stage Shore. And she said, oh, I've just booked my 300th ticket. And I said, oh, so what one are you on now? And she said seventy five.

• 8:20Speaker 04

  So she's gonna watch it three hundred times?

• 8:22Speaker 05

  Mm hmm. And she's only now on time seventy five.

• 8:25Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 8:26Speaker 05

  I can't comment. I've seen Mary Poppins forty five times.

• 8:28Speaker 04

  Can I just say, as we left you, it was great to meet all the cast and stuff after you.

• 8:32Speaker 05

  Yes, I know you've sent them some lovely messages.

• 8:34Speaker 04

  I it was so nice as we as we were leaving that there was people outside.

• 8:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:39Speaker 04

  Waiting for you, like you was a big West End star.

• 8:43Speaker 05

  Like I was a big West End star.

• 8:44Speaker 04

  Because you are a big West End star.

• 8:46Speaker 05

  I'm not that big.

• 8:47Speaker 04

  It was so nice.

• 8:48Speaker 05

  It was it's it is just.

• 8:50Speaker 04

  Big cheers.

• 8:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:52Speaker 04

  It's amazing.

• 8:53Speaker 05

  It's it's honestly, so when you have good audiences and you had a you had a very good audience that night, thank thankfully. I was always pressured when there are people that you know it, you want the audience to be good.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  I just weren't expected because you come on. I thought you'd come on like twenty minutes. You're on straight at the start in a parka.

• 9:08Speaker 05

  Yes, I look a little bit like Noel Gallagher.

• 9:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, you were. You're like that kid from East Desise. Quite a reference, but have a look at it if you if you've never seen it. I thought. What? Did you think I'd do all that? Count the mushy fucking piece? It's a great film.

• 9:23Speaker 05

  Seen that for ages.

• 9:24Speaker 04

  Growing up in East Lancashire, everybody watched that film.

• 9:27Speaker 05

  We watched that in RE. I don't really know why.

• 9:30Speaker 04

  You watched that in RE?

• 9:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:32Speaker 06

  It's set in.

• 9:32Speaker 04

  Shut up and get inside and wash your neck curtains, dude.

• 9:34Speaker 05

  It's set in chef, set in chef.

• 9:36Speaker 06

  Salford.

• 9:37Speaker 05

  Salford.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  It's so good.

• 9:39Speaker 06

  Where this podcast started.

• 9:40Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 9:40Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 9:41Speaker 05

  Um, no, but you generally, like, forget me. I knew you would like that show because you love the film.

• 9:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 05

  And obviously the show is a parody of the film. And it was so lovely, not just during my bits, but during the whole show, which is like, I obviously I can, I know what your laugh sounds like. It's quite, it carries in a good way. Well, it's not, it's no, it does. No, it's good. You want, you want, you actually do want to hear your audience laugh, but you were, and I could see you, you were loving it.

• 10:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, I was.

• 10:06Speaker 05

  With your glasses on.

• 10:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, I had respect, Sam.

• 10:09Speaker 05

  I know.

• 10:09Speaker 04

  I had to run back to get them. I thought, oh, I need respect. There was one bit where I filmed, yeah, and I didn't realise.

• 10:14Speaker 05

  At the end, when you're allowed to film.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  And and you looked right at me.

• 10:17Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 10:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 05

  No, I always, if I know where people are sitting, I will sing at them.

• 10:21Speaker 04

  You were so funny. You were born for that role. Thank you for my mention as well.

• 10:25Speaker 05

  Yes, I thought you'd like it. And thank you for laughing at it. Thank God.

• 10:27Speaker 04

  Can we also talk about the fact that, oh, my fucking God, Adele went to see it?

• 10:33Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 10:33Speaker 04

  Actual Adele.

• 10:34Speaker 05

  I mean, honestly, thank God, an actual celebrity came to see us, which is just.

• 10:38Speaker 04

  I'll set that.

• 10:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, she like.

• 10:40Speaker 04

  Her laugh carries.

• 10:41Speaker 05

  Yes, and she was sitting much closer.

• 10:45Speaker 04

  Well, how did that happen? How did Adele?

• 10:47Speaker 05

  They booked tickets. I mean, you did as well, but like they they booked tickets.

• 10:51Speaker 04

  And she went to see it?

• 10:53Speaker 05

  So an hour before, she was just with some friends. A couple of them had seen it many times before and others were new to it as well. And literally an hour before, when we finished doing vocal, I know, vocal warm up and um, which I don't know why am I there, but anyway. Uh, I I go along with it. And um, the company manager says, right, we've got a big star in tonight. And I assumed he'd say like, my mum, or you know, some, you know, he was doing a joke. And I went, Adele.

• 11:20Speaker 04

  What did everyone do? Let me do an impression. So it's all West End stars on stage.

• 11:26Speaker 05

  Mm hmm.

• 11:26Speaker 04

  And he said.

• 11:28Speaker 05

  Adele.

• 11:33Speaker 04

  Was it a bit like that?

• 11:34Speaker 05

  Yes, basically. It's like if you were there.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:37Speaker 05

  Well, everyone sort of lost their mind. I was quite calm because I don't really know any song, other than Skyfall. Good song.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  She's amazing.

• 11:47Speaker 05

  Oh, no, she, I know, I know she's a big star and it was, it was lovely to have her.

• 11:50Speaker 04

  Like, you don't get, when he said a big star, you don't get much bigger than.

• 11:53Speaker 05

  No, we're sort of trying to work out who would be bigger.

• 11:56Speaker 06

  How did, how did they know that it wasn't like Adele from Slough?

• 11:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:00Speaker 06

  Did she just fill out, was the ticket just given to Adele? No surname?

• 12:03Speaker 05

  No surname, yeah.

• 12:04Speaker 04

  Is it?

• 12:04Speaker 06

  It could have been anyone.

• 12:06Speaker 04

  Atkinson, yeah, Adele Atkins. Is it?

• 12:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, Stuart, Stuart is saying yes.

• 12:10Speaker 05

  Yes, yeah. A A.

• 12:12Speaker 04

  And what was it like when she, did she enjoy the show?

• 12:14Speaker 05

  She loved the show. She loved the show. I mean, we could hear her and see her loving the show. She was, it's a small theatre, so we, you know, you can see quite a lot. Um, she loved it. Um, she, she, there's a bit at the end, obviously I don't sing, as I have said. But there's a bit at the end where I speak, sing a line and uh, she wet herself at that. So that was nice. Ah, when I did my thing and I sort of looked at her and nodded. Thanks very much.

• 12:40Speaker 04

  This is amazing. This is like, and did you do my bit in front of her?

• 12:46Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 12:46Speaker 04

  Adele's heard my name. Did she laugh at that?

• 12:50Speaker 05

  No, I think she looked confused as to who that was a reference to. No, to be fair, in my bit where I do that main breakdown, I can't look at anyone really. So I just look at the, I look at the, um, just the back of the theatre.

• 13:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, Adele's heard my name. You've performed in front of Adele.

• 13:08Speaker 05

  Well, and very excitingly, last night, we had my friends in the Earl and Countess of Urn, so they've heard your name as well.

• 13:14Speaker 04

  That not so much, but Adele's heard my name.

• 13:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:17Speaker 04

  In the same week, you've had Adele and Jordan North visit you.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  One uptight, under talented diva.

• 13:25Speaker 04

  And the other?

• 13:26Speaker 05

  And Adele. Joking.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  That's amazing, but it's a very funny show.

• 13:31Speaker 05

  It's, it's, it's, I enjoyed it.

• 13:33Speaker 04

  I've got to apologise, I'm so, I'm so sorry and I don't do this on purpose, but before, because I'd come, I was working all that day. I can't remember what I was doing last.

• 13:42Speaker 05

  This.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Thursday, yeah. And then I went to Jim because I thought I'll kill an hour. Anyway, I went in pub and I'd had, I'd had, I'd had a good few. Um, it was known by my friends that I was a bit, I was pissed.

• 13:56Speaker 05

  I, I think it helps with the show to be perfectly honest.

• 13:59Speaker 04

  I'm not, because I was killing time because I thought, I'm not going to go home now. There's no point, so I was killing time. So I think I had three pints of Guinness before I met with Meg.

• 14:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, I was watching your location going, well, they're still in the pub. They're still in the pub. Delay the curtain.

• 14:13Speaker 04

  I hate that location thing. I think it's ridiculous. Um, but then just before I left, because I thought, I've not eaten. Well, I had, I'd had Guinness, but I thought, so I had.

• 14:22Speaker 05

  That's not food.

• 14:23Speaker 04

  So I had a scotched egg from pub, right? And all the.

• 14:28Speaker 05

  Just a Scotch egg.

• 14:29Speaker 04

  Just a scotched egg.

• 14:30Speaker 05

  Scotch.

• 14:31Speaker 04

  No, it's scotched.

• 14:31Speaker 05

  No, it's not.

• 14:32Speaker 04

  We've talked about this before, you can say Scotch or scotched. We can.

• 14:36Speaker 05

  Everyone here is saying no.

• 14:37Speaker 04

  It's a scotched egg. Anyway, I had it, but then I was doing really horrible eggy burbs all the way through first part.

• 14:43Speaker 05

  God, you were sitting in Rowan.

• 14:44Speaker 04

  To the point where like, you know, when you're trying to keep burping, but it still comes out and it's like, but then you can smell it. And I'm sorry, I know that's disgusting. Sometimes I think burbs can smell worse than farts. And I was told off by. The people are with.

• 14:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:59Speaker 04

  But I'm really worried that the lady next to me might smell the eggy burbs.

• 15:03Speaker 05

  Well, probably, yeah, if the people next to you that side.

• 15:05Speaker 04

  It's about worse than a Scotch eggy burb.

• 15:07Speaker 05

  Scotch.

• 15:08Speaker 04

  I just wolfed it down. So sorry for doing that. But other than that, it was great. It was so fun.

• 15:13Speaker 05

  The, um, very excitingly tonight at the show, I'm very excited about who we've got in.

• 15:19Speaker 04

  Who?

• 15:20Speaker 05

  Stephanie Jones, who played Mary Poppins.

• 15:23Speaker 04

  Off at lunch?

• 15:24Speaker 05

  No. No, not Steph Macbeth.

• 15:27Speaker 04

  Oh, off at lunch?

• 15:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, no, no.

• 15:30Speaker 04

  I thought Ceezy's.

• 15:31Speaker 05

  Yes, Ceezy did it in the, in the West End and then Stephanie did it latterly on tour, which I went to go and see numerous times and met her, et cetera. Um, she's coming tonight. She's about to go into Les Mis.

• 15:40Speaker 04

  That's your Adele, isn't it?

• 15:42Speaker 05

  I probably am a little, no, no disrespect to Adele, who is lovely. Um, probably more excited that Stephanie Jones is coming. I think also, who else is coming tonight? I forget. Um. Uh, oh, Art's parents are coming tonight, which is nice. Not Art, because she's a bit, she's a bit young and my friend Anthony and, oh, this lot.

• 16:04Speaker 04

  Oh, sex.

• 16:05Speaker 05

  I knew, I knew there were people I was forgetting.

• 16:07Speaker 04

  You'll have a great time.

• 16:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:09Speaker 05

  Which will be lovely.

• 16:10Speaker 04

  I'm so proud of you. It was amazing.

• 16:11Speaker 05

  Bless you. Well, thank you for, thank you for coming.

• 16:13Speaker 04

  Very fun. The lady who plays Celine Dion.

• 16:15Speaker 05

  Astrid.

• 16:16Speaker 04

  I was talking like her all day yesterday because she talks a bit like Celine Dion and I thought she was brilliant.

• 16:22Speaker 05

  Can you smell toast?

• 16:23Speaker 04

  I thought she was great, Celine Dion. She was like, oh, my God, this is amazing.

• 16:26Speaker 05

  She, she has got the Celine mannerisms down pat.

• 16:28Speaker 04

  It's, it's spot on. It is. What else has been going on in your life?

• 16:32Speaker 05

  No, what else has been going on in your life?

• 16:34Speaker 04

  I'm really into at the moment, Fairy Skip the Soap.

• 16:39Speaker 05

  Or as you call it in your house, skip the soap.

• 16:41Speaker 04

  Very good. No, um, so you know, I've.

• 16:44Speaker 05

  What, what, what is this?

• 16:45Speaker 04

  Well, I was, I'm, I'm, I'll always be, I'll always be.

• 16:49Speaker 05

  Here we go. This is going to end with gal.

• 16:51Speaker 04

  Till my, my dying day, I'll always be a vinegar spray kind of gal.

• 16:55Speaker 05

  There we go.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  Right. But I vinegar spray is not for your surfaces.

• 17:01Speaker 05

  It makes everything stink of vinegar. It's not like a fish and chip shop.

• 17:04Speaker 04

  It's to buff and to shine. But I'm getting bored of my current surface spray. Welcome to your thirties, wherever you're listening to this. So I seen an advert, I seen an advert, I'll tell you for why, I seen an advert on Amazon Prime during um Clarkson's Farm. And it's called.

• 17:18Speaker 05

  Oh, you don't pay for.

• 17:20Speaker 04

  It's called Fairy Skip the Soap, right? And basically, you don't have to soak stuff now overnight. You just spray this fairy spray on it and they're not paying.

• 17:28Speaker 05

  So, hang on, is this for surfaces or is it for like pans?

• 17:31Speaker 04

  Well, if you'd let me finish.

• 17:32Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 17:32Speaker 04

  So you can spray it on pans, you can do it on surfaces as well, but also it says on the front, encourage you to spray just a bit inside your dishwasher. It all comes out sparkling, your dishwasher's clean, your dishwasher doesn't smell anymore. It's, honestly, I can't wait to get home each night and do my.

• 17:47Speaker 05

  My dishwasher doesn't smell anyway.

• 17:49Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, because mine don't now. Just spray your dishes with it and they come out extra shiny, I promise you. And then it makes your sink look really shiny. It's great, but you do, you don't have to soak dishes anymore. My air fryer, just put the surf, put the thingy on it. Leave it a couple of minutes, go and do your other bits and come back and it comes off.

• 18:06Speaker 05

  Lovely.

• 18:07Speaker 04

  So I'm really into that at the moment, William.

• 18:09Speaker 05

  God, you just sound so like your mother.

• 18:12Speaker 04

  I'm really into that at the moment.

• 18:13Speaker 06

  That sounds life changing.

• 18:14Speaker 04

  It is, you should get on it, Ben.

• 18:16Speaker 06

  I'm, I've been tempted. I've thought about it. I needed a review like that to.

• 18:19Speaker 04

  I was, I've, I've been with the same.

• 18:20Speaker 05

  Have you been influenced?

• 18:22Speaker 04

  I've been with the same surface cleaner for a couple of years now. You know, you just.

• 18:25Speaker 06

  What's his name?

• 18:25Speaker 04

  It was, I won't say because it's not fair in the brand. I'll still use that, I'll still buy it, but I'm.

• 18:29Speaker 06

  It's just a joke.

• 18:30Speaker 04

  Very much come to, to.

• 18:32Speaker 05

  Just skip the same. Well, I will give it a go. Can you get it in most supermarkets or is it at Amazon?

• 18:37Speaker 04

  And I'll mention flash bleach, which I still think is the best for your bathroom.

• 18:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you do, and you talked about flash bleach.

• 18:43Speaker 04

  The bleach spray, the bleach spray is the best for your bathroom.

• 18:47Speaker 05

  You talked about this when we did the collab with Jonathan and yeah, you can't use bleach everywhere.

• 18:53Speaker 04

  No, but in your bathroom.

• 18:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, but even still, you don't need to use bleach absolutely everywhere.

• 18:59Speaker 04

  Sif, sif for like when you're doing a big clean.

• 19:03Speaker 05

  So, and what I would say bleach for a big clean.

• 19:05Speaker 04

  No, you be.

• 19:06Speaker 05

  Don't use bleach every day.

• 19:07Speaker 04

  No, but for your bathroom, when you do your bathroom.

• 19:10Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  Bleach, I gotta say, bleach spray.

• 19:14Speaker 05

  Right.

• 19:14Speaker 04

  Anyway, um, how are you coping in the heat?

• 19:17Speaker 05

  Um, well, luckily the theatre's air conditioned, so at work we're absolutely fine.

• 19:21Speaker 04

  A lot of others aren't, are they?

• 19:22Speaker 05

  I know, we are, I think a big selling point for our show is that we have got air conditioning. Um, and also four floors underground, which helps, but I would say.

• 19:31Speaker 06

  Did Titanic have air conditioning?

• 19:33Speaker 04

  That's a great question.

• 19:34Speaker 05

  It did at the end, it was quite airy.

• 19:36Speaker 06

  Or quite wet.

• 19:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:38Speaker 04

  All right, people perished on that boat, let's just.

• 19:41Speaker 05

  Excuse me, you're doing a musical about the Costa Concordia, so you can shut up.

• 19:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I'm just waiting for permission off the families and it'll be fine.

• 19:50Speaker 05

  Right.

• 19:51Speaker 04

  Anyway, carry on. No, they didn't have air conditioning, wouldn't have had air conditioning back then.

• 19:56Speaker 06

  Did they have skip the soap?

• 19:58Speaker 04

  Probably, yeah, because Farley's been around for ages. Shut up, you, carry on.

• 20:02Speaker 05

  Um, I'm okay. Today I'm all in linen.

• 20:05Speaker 04

  Mm hmm.

• 20:06Speaker 05

  So I'm just adjust my fabrics rather than start doing, you know, shorts and things.

• 20:10Speaker 04

  People aren't sleeping well, I've noticed. Everyone's a bit agitated.

• 20:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, a bit, bit cro- crotchety.

• 20:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:16Speaker 05

  How are you coping?

• 20:17Speaker 04

  I'm all right, I can't complain.

• 20:18Speaker 05

  Do you like it though?

• 20:19Speaker 04

  I've got a good fan in my room, so I'm doing all right.

• 20:22Speaker 06

  Do you not think everyone just looks like, just a bit more sort of sexy in the heat?

• 20:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:28Speaker 05

  Not, not everyone.

• 20:29Speaker 06

  Not everyone.

• 20:30Speaker 04

  Well, let's face it, he's brought a good point to the table here, which is Ben, and I say this all the time, right? And I'll say this for many a year, especially, yeah, people look fitter in the sun. And I think it's A, because people dress less, so you see a bit more. And B, let's face it, in the heat, everyone's just mad horny, aren't they? Aren't you? You know, like when you're on holiday and stuff, everyone's just mad extra horny in this heat. I see it, I see people get on tube, I think they're horny.

• 21:05Speaker 04

  I do. I do. What, I do. I can tell, and people I'm working with. Fucking she's like a dog on heat, eh? A dog with two dicks at the moment, I won't name any names. But you can, I can just tell it, I've got a good, a good horny dar. I can tell when someone's horny. And in this heat, eh, like, are there many G and divas listening? They don't know what it is, but people just get mad horny.

• 21:32Speaker 05

  But I think that's the, that is what is so odd, because I, I do think you are sort of.

• 21:37Speaker 04

  Jack, don't hide in shame, it's fine, it's perfectly normal, a young lad like you at your age, it's fine. In this weather.

• 21:43Speaker 05

  He's older than us, but okay.

• 21:46Speaker 04

  Forget it.

• 21:48Speaker 05

  I would say, I sort of know what you mean, but also, I don't know about you, in an un-air-conditioned bedroom, that is the last thing I would like to do. I absolutely, I've said this before on this podcast, I say to Mikey in about sort of early June, see you in November.

• 22:02Speaker 04

  No.

• 22:02Speaker 05

  And that's the end of that.

• 22:03Speaker 04

  It's part of the fun, it's like Titanic.

• 22:05Speaker 05

  It's not part. What do you mean it's part, what?

• 22:08Speaker 04

  When they're all sweaty in car.

• 22:09Speaker 05

  Did you like that bit in the show?

• 22:12Speaker 04

  Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip. Did I miss that bit?

• 22:14Speaker 05

  Yes, they bring on a windscreen.

• 22:16Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was funny.

• 22:20Speaker 05

  Can't remember that bit.

• 22:21Speaker 06

  I think we need to put Jordan's horny dar to the test, and we can just like go walking around the street up to people saying, you're horny.

• 22:27Speaker 04

  Well, I can't, because that's.

• 22:28Speaker 06

  You're horny.

• 22:29Speaker 04

  It's not the nineties and on channel four.

• 22:31Speaker 06

  You said it.

• 22:32Speaker 04

  It's twenty twenty-six and I'll probably end up in prison.

• 22:34Speaker 05

  That's got big breakfast written all over it, hasn't it?

• 22:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, it is, it is.

• 22:37Speaker 06

  Horny.

• 22:38Speaker 04

  Horny.

• 22:38Speaker 06

  Horny, horny, horny.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  Horny, horny, honestly, everyone's mad horny in this heat.

• 22:43Speaker 05

  And are you horny?

• 22:44Speaker 04

  No comment. Bit more than usual, maybe, yeah. But who isn't?

• 22:50Speaker 05

  And to say where we normally are in the winter, that's.

• 22:51Speaker 04

  Right, let's not. Be a dick. So, yeah. Just, just, if you're listening right now and you are horny, that's perfectly fine.

• 23:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, yes, it's fine.

• 23:04Speaker 06

  Jordan, Jordan's big pole?

• 23:07Speaker 05

  Are you horny?

• 23:08Speaker 06

  Are you horny right now?

• 23:09Speaker 05

  Not that big, from what I hear.

• 23:12Speaker 04

  It's just, I'm just saying it's perfectly fine.

• 23:15Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 23:15Speaker 04

  But you're right, it's everyone, everyone, because people, I'll be out with mates and they go, "Fwah, look at her." And I'm like, "Yes."

• 23:23Speaker 05

  Sorry, which, I'm, on the basis you brought some of your mates on stage, let me tell you, no one is saying that.

• 23:28Speaker 04

  I have an, I have an array of friends, right? And I'll go, "Yes, she's an attractive lady, sure, but also you're mad horny at the moment." So anyone could walk in, you'd be like, "Fwah, I'd shag that."

• 23:42Speaker 05

  Again, see previous comment.

• 23:44Speaker 04

  Do you reckon that's where the saying comes from, like a dog on heat?

• 23:47Speaker 05

  No, because I think heat is-

• 23:48Speaker 06

  I think the heat, I mean, heat on, it's a different kind of heat.

• 23:51Speaker 04

  What is it?

• 23:53Speaker 06

  Heat is like-

• 23:54Speaker 05

  What is it?

• 23:55Speaker 06

  It's like-

• 23:55Speaker 04

  I always thought it's because they, when they get next to a fireplace and-

• 23:59Speaker 06

  No.

• 23:59Speaker 04

  No.

• 24:00Speaker 06

  It's because-

• 24:01Speaker 05

  Why would they be next to a fireplace?

• 24:02Speaker 04

  I always thought that saying was like, I don't know why, but in my head, a dog on heat would come in from the cold and then go up on its hind legs and-

• 24:09Speaker 05

  And find the nearest fire to be roving it.

• 24:11Speaker 04

  And like, warm itself up on the fire.

• 24:13Speaker 05

  Right, no.

• 24:14Speaker 06

  It just means, it's a, it's a phrase used for female dogs when they're in the fertile phase of their reproductive cycle and can become pregnant.

• 24:21Speaker 05

  Heat. Well, there we go.

• 24:23Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 24:24Speaker 05

  Any more for any more?

• 24:25Speaker 04

  No, but I, no, I know you've been super busy lately.

• 24:28Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 24:28Speaker 04

  Um, uh, and I know you was meant to do an etiquette analogy of the week, but we've had a busy week.

• 24:33Speaker 05

  Very busy week.

• 24:34Speaker 04

  And I've had busier weeks, but still never missed Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. So, I-

• 24:40Speaker 04

  I'm gonna help you out today.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:42Speaker 04

  Eight years, never missed it. Or change an episode.

• 24:45Speaker 05

  Didn't do it for eight years, actually.

• 24:46Speaker 04

  Uh, anyway, I'm gonna be doing etiquette analogy of the week this week.

• 24:51Speaker 05

  Oh, are you? How lovely.

• 24:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 24:53Speaker 05

  What a surprise.

• 24:54Speaker 04

  So I thought, to give you a rest off, it's, it's hard work being a Western star.

• 24:58Speaker 05

  Do you wanna do my show tonight?

• 24:59Speaker 04

  Uh, maybe, actually.

• 25:01Speaker 05

  Do you know, I genuinely would love to see you do it.

• 25:04Speaker 04

  Don't talk to me about unfair! Unfair! Unfair! See, I could do it.

• 25:11Speaker 05

  It's, the word's fair, but you-

• 25:12Speaker 04

  Unfair is having bonfucks in your head. Fair? See, I could do it.

• 25:18Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 25:18Speaker 04

  That's quite a good impression, wasn't it?

• 25:20Speaker 05

  Oh, it's uncanny, yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 04

  Fair is still on the comments about Jordan North!

• 25:26Speaker 04

  Fair!

• 25:29Speaker 05

  Suddenly I'm hating my own performance.

• 25:30Speaker 04

  I thought you were fa-fa-fa-fa-fulous.

• 25:33Speaker 05

  Fa-fulous.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  I've even done my own etiquette methodology of the week jingle.

• 25:37Speaker 05

  Oh, you've done it, have you?

• 25:38Speaker 04

  Do you wanna hear?

• 25:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, go on.

• 25:39Speaker 04

  Here we go.

• 25:40Speaker 07

  It's Jordan.

• 25:41Speaker 04

  Jordan.

• 25:42Speaker 07

  The etiquette geek, his knowledge.

• 25:44Speaker 04

  Knowledge.

• 25:45Speaker 07

  Quite unique, he'll give you manners.

• 25:47Speaker 04

  Manners.

• 25:48Speaker 07

  Subtle tweak, it's time for

• 25:50Speaker 04

  Jordan.

• 25:50Speaker 07

  Etiquette, etiquette, methodology of the week. Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

• 25:58Speaker 04

  Jordan.

• 26:02Speaker 04

  Don't waste my ear, Finn.

• 26:03Speaker 05

  No.

• 26:04Speaker 04

  All right, so my etiquette methodology of the week is all about

• 26:11Speaker 04

  Picky Tees.

• 26:14Speaker 05

  Honestly, you've got one tune that you play, don't you?

• 26:19Speaker 04

  Fair! Fair! And I'll tell you all about the etiquette methodology of Picky Tees next.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  Hey, it's Adam Grant from TED's Rethinking Podcast. As businesses scale, success depends on how well knowledge is captured, shared, and kept up to date. Camtasia Pro turns teams' expertise into engaging training, onboarding, and documentation. No professional editing experience required. With the industry's best screen recording, video editing, and AI-powered workflows, you can train faster and boost operational efficiency. Get over $100 off your first year at camtasia pro.com and start building a smarter way to educate customers, onboard employees, and ensure valuable expertise is shared across teams.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  Hello, I'm Joanna Fletcher.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  And I'm Marco Burchella.

• 27:07Speaker 02

  And this is Boots Off.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  We are friends who've spent a decade together walking up mountains, across deserts, and along coastlines with some seriously awesome groups of humans.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  And something happens when you're out there, feet on the ground, surrounded by nature. The conversations just spill out of you.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  This series is about the adversities that lead to adventure.

• 27:28Speaker 02

  The adventures that lead To adversity. And how life can be one big adventure in itself. Listen every Thursday, just search for Boots Off.

• 27:40Speaker 05

  Welcome back to Ian Devers. It's time for Jordan's Etiquetemology of the Week. He's going to tell us all about something we don't talk about enough on this podcast, picky teas.

• 27:50Speaker 04

  A picky tea is a plate of assorted snacky bits instead of a proper cooked meal. Think cheese crackers, pork pies, sausage rolls, crisps, dips, cold beats, any leftovers in the freezer, all picked out rather than plated as a single dish. It has roots in high tea, the original working class evening meal. The industrial Northern English and Southern Scotland factory workers came home around six in the evening famished. So a substantial evening high tea of bread, cheese, vegetables, and sometimes meat evolved to fill the gap. The sit-down, hearty ancestry of today's picky spread. It's like people would come home and they'd be starving. So you'd have, don't be rude. So you'd have a high tea.

• 28:35Speaker 04

  The high in high tea refers to furniture, not fanciness. The name comes from being eaten at a high dining table.

• 28:42Speaker 05

  It was like there.

• 28:43Speaker 04

  Unlike the low, comfortable seating used for genteel afternoon tea. So despite how it sounds, high tea was always the plainer working class meal, hence why we say tea now. It's the opposite of a posh afternoon tea. Afternoon tea has its roots in the 1800s hundreds with Anna, Duchess of Bradford, Bedford, who got hungry mid-afternoon and started ordering tea and cakes to bridge the gap to a late dinner. Picky tea shares none of that daintiness. It's unpretentious fridge raiding by comparison. It shows up at this very, it shows up at very British social occasions. Think village hall fates, wakes at the pub, park picnics, or the aftermath of a rough hangover when opening packets of all you can manage.

• 29:28Speaker 04

  It's as much a communal, low-effort catering solution as a meal in its own right. It's meant to feel both lazy and special at once. It's a meal that's supposed to be easy but can be luxurious. Born from indecision and the fatigue of choosing, so you just have everything instead. The term picky tea.

• 29:49Speaker 04

  Was made mainstream by popular radio and TV host Jordan North in the 2020s.

• 29:54Speaker 05

  I thought it was Jane McDonald, wasn't it?

• 29:56Speaker 04

  Often talking about it on national radio and judging people's picky tees on social media. Supermarkets and many other media outlets then went on to coin the term picky tea. North has not made any money on this, however, but is happy that many people across the UK and now in Europe use the term picky tea. Indeed, the Spanish have stopped saying tapas and say el picky tea.

• 30:27Speaker 05

  That was actually quite interesting, that, actually. Yeah, it was lovely. I think your friend Jem and I might have, might have helped you with that. But the, um, the, what I liked about it is the type stuff. And then at the end, that last bit looked a bit handwritten.

• 30:42Speaker 04

  Just adding a few more notes.

• 30:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, I like that.

• 30:45Speaker 04

  Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected] or you can DM us. We're at Sex with My Boss on the socials. The address is on the website, sextwithmyboss.com. All right, what have we got then, Willie?

• 30:59Speaker 05

  All right, this first one.

• 31:00Speaker 04

  Big Willie!

• 31:01Speaker 05

  Thank you. I told you he's horny. This first one is from AJ. Hello, William and Jordan. My boyfriend and I have a collection of rare cars between us. However, we have some normal cars too, and this year has been very busy with weddings. My dilemma is, do we take our rarer cars and risk outshining the bride and groom on their big day? Or do we take our normal cars? Some friends request our rare cars in our collection and some friends don't, and I can respect everyone's opinion. Whenever we get a wedding invitation, I always make sure to ask which friend is getting married. However, I don't want to appear rude or interrupt their busy time planning weddings. Best regards, AJ. Well, I mean, it's a lovely problem to have if this is.

• 31:37Speaker 04

  It's a great, great question.

• 31:38Speaker 06

  We've all been there.

• 31:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 04

  Not a car person itself.

• 31:42Speaker 05

  No.

• 31:42Speaker 04

  Is that Motorhead, petrol head?

• 31:44Speaker 05

  Hmm. I would just take a normal, I, I do agree. If you have a particularly rare car, normally the couple getting married are in a fancy car.

• 31:53Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 31:54Speaker 05

  If your car looks better than theirs or gets confused, I mean, don't put ribbon on the front of it, obviously. But if you are. Worried about it, just take the, you know, take the Skoda or whatever.

• 32:03Speaker 04

  My idea is you've done well for yourself, so take your car and it's when you've got a rare car collection, you don't really get out anymore. So just take it and don't make a big deal of it. Like when you get there, maybe drop the bride or the groom a text and just say, hey, um.

• 32:19Speaker 05

  Well, that's what AJ's saying they do, but they don't really want to sort of bother the couple getting married because.

• 32:26Speaker 04

  Yeah. And then I suppose you don't, because the nine times out of 10, even the couple, personally, I won't be bothered.

• 32:31Speaker 05

  Because imagine if you were getting married and every single guest, imagine every guest has a collection of rare cars and normal cars is texting you going, which car? You know, the brand would be like, do you know what? I've got other stuff to worry about here.

• 32:42Speaker 04

  I would, if I were getting mine, I won't bother if you turned up in your fancy car.

• 32:45Speaker 05

  I do, I've said this before on the podcast years ago, when we were getting married and people would sort of, certain people, not anyone in this room or connected to anyone in this room, were asking us lots of sort of quite boring logistical questions like, is there parking? How do I get there? How far is it from the church to the?

• 33:03Speaker 04

  That's annoying.

• 33:03Speaker 05

  The thing. And it's like, well, we're not a concierge service. We can't do this with everyone. And my friend Ella gave me the one wonderful piece of advice. It's again passive aggressive. So you can see why I like it. You just say to people, all the options that are available to me are available to you. And I love it.

• 33:17Speaker 04

  Well, no, you just say, go and read the website.

• 33:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, quite. All the options.

• 33:21Speaker 06

  The internet.

• 33:21Speaker 05

  The information that's available to me is available to you.

• 33:24Speaker 04

  You don't think AJ should go in the posh car?

• 33:26Speaker 05

  No, and I don't, I don't ask them. Just, just make it easy. Just go in a car.

• 33:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 05

  It's, it's a functional thing.

• 33:31Speaker 06

  Judge the people, who the, who's getting married.

• 33:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, I, I think Ben's right there because I know if you're, if I turned up in a fancy car, you wouldn't be bothered.

• 33:39Speaker 06

  We were just happy that you turned up at all.

• 33:41Speaker 05

  Barely did.

• 33:42Speaker 06

  On time.

• 33:43Speaker 04

  She, that wife of yours was 15 minutes late to my show at Manchester.

• 33:49Speaker 06

  Our show.

• 33:50Speaker 04

  Our show at Manchester Arena. So bitch please, we're even. You tell her I said that.

• 33:57Speaker 06

  Would you ever drive a convertible?

• 34:00Speaker 05

  What, with his hair?

• 34:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, I was gonna say it might do something to your hair.

• 34:04Speaker 04

  It looked like that woman sat behind Camilla at Wimbledon.

• 34:12Speaker 04

  I've won this episode for being.

• 34:15Speaker 05

  I'm not bothering, I've told you. I did last year, you offered me an open top. That was quite nice. This is from anonymous. Hello, William Jordan and producer Ben. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were dog sitting his parents' house for the weekend whilst they were away. His parents are lovely. They all have been very generous and welcoming to me and we get along well. However, they are messy. I think for them, vacuuming is a once a year occasion, which I think you'll agree is crazy when you have four pets. It's, wow, it seems to be the same with cleaning the loos and sinks, let alone mopping the floor, wiping the hob, cleaning the shower, anything in the house. I hate to say it, but it's gross. I'd get out to the shower and instantly feel dirty and just by being in the bathroom, I'm feeling dirty just reading this

• 34:54Speaker 04

  letter. Some people are like this.

• 34:56Speaker 05

  So staying there for a couple of nights made me feel fidgety and I wanted nothing more to clean their house from top to bottom. One night, my boyfriend and I cooked a quick meal. So afterwards, I felt like because we'd used the cooker, I could scrub off all the old crusty food from the backsplash and hob. So I scrubbed it clean and then couldn't help but continue wiping the surfaces of the kitchen down, clean the sink and even the kitchen windowsills and its ornaments, which had been covered in thick sticky dust.

• 35:21Speaker 05

  I would have happily carried on cleaning the kitchen and every other room in the house, but stopped myself there because I felt rude. I didn't want them to come home to a clean house and think that I think their house is dirty, but maybe they wouldn't even have noticed. Since then, they have never mentioned the cleaner kitchen and next time I went around there, the hob was just as dirty as it had been before. I haven't brought this up with my boyfriend. He is generally a tidy person, but he seems blind to the mess in his parents'

• 35:42Speaker 04

  It's all he's known. It's all, I've got, I've got, I know friends and family that, no, not my family actually, they're pretty clean.

• 35:49Speaker 05

  So my question is this, is it rude to clean someone else's house when they're not there? Love the pod. I always save the episodes up to listen during my luteral phase.

• 35:58Speaker 04

  What's that? She's trying to get pregnant?

• 36:00Speaker 05

  What's that? L U T E A L.

• 36:03Speaker 06

  The second half of the menstrual cycle.

• 36:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:06Speaker 06

  From ovulation until the start of your next period. Come on, guys. You didn't know that.

• 36:10Speaker 04

  Have you heard about this theory that's going around?

• 36:13Speaker 05

  Hang on, let me just finish this letter. So I have something to cheer me up when I'm feeling low. Thanks, anonymous, long time listener. Carry on.

• 36:19Speaker 04

  Um, okay. First things first, I would say fairy skip the soap.

• 36:25Speaker 04

  Great for those hobbs.

• 36:26Speaker 05

  Sounds like they've skipped, so.

• 36:27Speaker 04

  No, I I would personally clean up my mess and then.

• 36:30Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 36:30Speaker 04

  I would leave it tidy or at least in the condition you found it no worse. So I would clean up my mess, especially I've stayed at people's houses for weekends. And it's not been up to my standards and I've cleaned it and left and they've not said anything. I've gone back again a couple of weeks later and it's been the same.

• 36:47Speaker 05

  Hmm. I think what what Anonymous did was absolutely fine. They cooked and so anything, even if the kitchen was immaculate, you tidy up and you clean up the kitchen afterwards. You that you can't as much as you may want to, you cannot then go round and do the rest of the house unless you have sort of made a mess. Um, I know it it sounds deeply unpleasant. I think I would bring it up with your boyfriend because it's going to, it's going to fester.

• 37:09Speaker 04

  Can't be that bad. Just some people are a bit untidy, that's all.

• 37:12Speaker 05

  This sounds pretty scummy, if I'm honest, and I think it's, you don't want it to, you presumably you want your boyfriend to maybe become your husband at some point. And if it's going to stop you from seeing his family, that's going to be a problem. So I I would say, look, we need to either maybe stay somewhere else or. But they are, they aren't going to change their ways. I mean, I've got, I've got friends who are like this. They are just not going to change their ways. We're all different. We might find it a bit gross.

• 37:35Speaker 04

  Would we would be friends if I was a bit scruffy in house? If I had a dirty house?

• 37:40Speaker 05

  I'd still be friends with you. I probably just wouldn't come over very often.

• 37:43Speaker 04

  We don't anyway.

• 37:44Speaker 05

  No, well, don't get invited.

• 37:48Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 37:48Speaker 05

  Hmm. What's, you had a, you had a, you had a phrase.

• 37:51Speaker 04

  So I've never heard of that before. Is it lethal?

• 37:53Speaker 05

  Luteal phase.

• 37:54Speaker 04

  Is that where you're trying to get pregnant? No, there's this theory going around on TikTok that girls.

• 38:01Speaker 05

  Must be true.

• 38:02Speaker 04

  That, and some couple of girls have mentioned it to me. I speak to a lot of the ladies. Um, but, uh, a lot of girls have two periods in June. Or an extended period.

• 38:16Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 38:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:18Speaker 06

  So what's, what's, what?

• 38:19Speaker 04

  Just thought I'd tell you.

• 38:20Speaker 06

  What's the?

• 38:22Speaker 05

  And that's coming up on your TikTok.

• 38:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:24Speaker 05

  Your TikTok broken.

• 38:25Speaker 04

  But what do you mean? Like, there's loads of girls saying like, yeah, had an extended, extra, uh, extra elongated period in June.

• 38:32Speaker 05

  Elongated.

• 38:33Speaker 04

  Elongated.

• 38:34Speaker 06

  Extra elongated.

• 38:38Speaker 05

  Okay, well.

• 38:39Speaker 06

  What, what?

• 38:39Speaker 04

  And I've. What?

• 38:42Speaker 05

  Well, write in, girls. Let us know.

• 38:44Speaker 04

  Just saying if you're listening now and think that's you, there's something going on.

• 38:51Speaker 04

  Just saying, just saying.

• 38:53Speaker 05

  Yeah?

• 38:53Speaker 04

  Let's not do a poll.

• 38:56Speaker 05

  This next dilemma is from Tom.

• 38:59Speaker 05

  Good afternoon, gents. We're not at Lavatory. Around a year ago, I made the decision in my mid-thirties to grow a moustache, which everyone I know has agreed has been the right move for me, as it adds a certain frisson to my face I was apparently lacking. The only issue is that despite everywhere else on my body having thick, copious, dark hair, I have been shocked to learn that my upper lip can only apparently grow blonde hair. I've taken it upon myself to remedy this by using hair dye on my soup strainer. Well, don't call it that.

• 39:25Speaker 04

  The old fanny tickler.

• 39:28Speaker 05

  In order to match the carpet to the drapes, as it were. But my colleagues seem to notice the darkening shades and comment on it. In response, I have shamefully been lying and responding that I haven't been dying my upper lip, which I'm not sure they believe. What do you think the response to this dilemma is? Should I just accept I have a blonde moustache and continue to die and lie? Or should I die and say, yes, I am incredibly vain and can't bear my moustache not matching the rest of my body hair? Luckily, my partner says she doesn't mind what colour it is, as long as it tick...

• 39:57Speaker 05

  as long as it tickles her in the dark.

• 39:58Speaker 04

  I don't read him before now, so I genuinely didn't know that that was gonna be a thing. The old fanny tickler.

• 40:06Speaker 05

  I'd love to hear your opinions, and as an added fact you may enjoy, did you know that Debonne remains part of the official kit in the French Foreign Legion for soldiers to this day, often packed into their boudin noir? Okay, black pudding. Best regards, Tom in Tokyo. Konnichiwa.

• 40:23Speaker 04

  Well, Tom, that's a great letter.

• 40:25Speaker 05

  I think own it.

• 40:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 40:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:27Speaker 04

  And it don't matter if the carpet don't match the curtains, that's very in at the moment. It's not the 80s.

• 40:34Speaker 05

  Oh, no, I get you, Jordan's helpfully pointing to parts of his anatomy. Yes, I got that.

• 40:39Speaker 04

  I will say, as an admirer and a grower of the moustache...

• 40:45Speaker 05

  I wouldn't say that's going very well this week.

• 40:46Speaker 04

  Well, I'm gonna explain to you what's happened here. I will say to you that the old blonde moustache...

• 40:54Speaker 05

  I can't, you wouldn't look good with a blonde moustache.

• 40:56Speaker 04

  No, you would. So if it looks... own it, it don't matter, it don't matter, dye it, if people are saying it. So I grew my moustache last week. And I actually shaved, and I actually thought it looked really good.

• 41:10Speaker 05

  Did you shave your beard off?

• 41:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:12Speaker 05

  Right. What?

• 41:13Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, like...

• 41:14Speaker 05

  Not all off?

• 41:15Speaker 04

  Not all off, but it's like the closest shave I've done for years. It's grown back.

• 41:20Speaker 05

  Gillette.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  The best a man can get. And I um had a really big interview. I can't say too much because it's it's massive. But I had a real big interview that I had to do of all things on a Saturday night. And we had to set up a WhatsApp group.

• 41:39Speaker 05

  Mm hmm.

• 41:39Speaker 04

  With certain bosses and stuff. So that and then it was strongly advised that I shaved the moustache.

• 41:49Speaker 05

  Yeah. So did you do it almost clean shaven?

• 41:52Speaker 04

  And do you know what stuck with me?

• 41:54Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 41:55Speaker 04

  Was Ben saying at your wedding with that picture behind you there, he regrets it now. And we think this interview is quite big and it might get quite a lot of views. So in years to come, I'll be like, why do they have that moustache? But I am going to grow it for my holiday.

• 42:06Speaker 05

  You do? Yeah. Try it when you're on holiday and you're not being recorded, et cetera. Try it then. The late Queen, when she went grey, because there are like, sort of, the Queen sort of had brunette hair and then all of a sudden had grey hair.

• 42:20Speaker 04

  Really?

• 42:21Speaker 05

  There was no, but there was a little bit on the sides, but it was because she then basically went to Balmoral, stopped dying her hair.

• 42:27Speaker 04

  Did she dye it?

• 42:28Speaker 05

  And then came back as we sort of latterly knew her. So you just do it and just get it over and done with.

• 42:34Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 42:35Speaker 05

  Try it on your holiday. That would be my suggestion. This is from Anthony. Dear William Jordan and the Sexton Gang, my husband and I, yes, gay, were recently at a restaurant and sitting across from us was a young family. My husband doesn't like kids, so he wasn't very happy with a noisy child beside us. However, that was not the issue. The male adult, we can assume the father, but you never know these days, was sitting there and proceeded to remove his shoes.

• 42:55Speaker 04

  You never know these days.

• 42:57Speaker 05

  He was not in, he could be the stepfather. He was not in my eye line. Thankfully, he was in my husband's, so he had a direct view. It was over thirty degrees in London that day, and I have a very sensitive sense of smell. I'm sure you can imagine the combination. Think cheesy watsits and a damp sock held under a washroom hand dryer. My husband has a face like Williams, it doesn't move. But the eyes tell you everything. Unfortunately, I think his stinky side eye was outdone by cheesy feet guy. So how should one approach this situation? It was a packed restaurant, so moving wasn't an option, and it was too close to us to bring to the service's attention. Is this normal for a London airport in the height of summer?

• 43:32Speaker 04

  Oh, was it in the airport? That's fine.

• 43:34Speaker 05

  No, it's not fine. I should also add that this was on Aer Lingus, Ireland's only four-star airline, not the other one. Thank you for all the laughs and I hope you can help with this. I would, I would sort of get up to go to the loo and go and talk to the maitre d' and say to the person, explain what's going on and then get them to do it when, you know, you're back.

• 43:52Speaker 04

  So yeah, if you're in a fancy restaurant.

• 43:53Speaker 05

  Or ask for another table.

• 43:54Speaker 04

  I was gonna say, that's good advice.

• 43:57Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 43:57Speaker 04

  Cause I was gonna say, you clearly don't take your shoes off, do you?

• 44:00Speaker 05

  No.

• 44:00Speaker 04

  In, in a restaurant. That's rude. However, at an airport when you've got the old Birkenstock on, they do just tend to slip off naturally, right? It's the same on holiday. You go down for breakfast.

• 44:10Speaker 05

  They're not tight then.

• 44:11Speaker 04

  You go down for breakfast and the old flip-flop just kind of slips off, doesn't it? And you, you're kind of eating barefoot. Am I right?

• 44:18Speaker 05

  No.

• 44:19Speaker 04

  So I think that's acceptable as long as they don't smell.

• 44:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, but.

• 44:23Speaker 04

  The same on an aeroplane. Is it ever, is it ever okay to take your shoes off on an aeroplane?

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Uh, yes. If you are, if you're flying, there's a distance between you and the other person or there's no one around you and they don't smell and maybe you put on the flight socks, then yes.

• 44:36Speaker 04

  See, I always travelling with Birkenstocks because on the aeroplane, just slip them off, can't you? And it's just comfortable.

• 44:41Speaker 05

  But do your feet smell?

• 44:42Speaker 04

  I wanna take my shoes off.

• 44:43Speaker 05

  Don't take your shoes off.

• 44:44Speaker 04

  First thing I do.

• 44:44Speaker 05

  We're in an office. We're in a world of work.

• 44:46Speaker 06

  I take my shoes off in the office.

• 44:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:48Speaker 05

  Yes, I've been in. It's like Sandy Shaw. That's.

• 44:50Speaker 04

  So look, in a restaurant, yeah. In an airport thing, if he's just in flip-flops and Birkenstocks, I'll accept it. But if he's took his trainers off, maybe not, no. Is it?

• 45:01Speaker 05

  But if you have smelly feet, do not, or it's hot, 30 degrees, as you were mentioning, do not take your shoes off. I don't care whether you're in Esperdils, you're in Birkenstocks, you're in flip-flops. You shouldn't be in a restaurant in flip-flops anyway.

• 45:13Speaker 04

  Why is it 2010?

• 45:15Speaker 05

  I'm in Esperdils. They're called Riviera.

• 45:18Speaker 04

  Um, I, I, I think in a restaurant, yeah, but an airport. So you're saying if you're on just a normal, like. Easy jet flight to Malaga, you can't take your shoes off.

• 45:27Speaker 05

  Unless there's no one around you.

• 45:28Speaker 06

  Disagree.

• 45:29Speaker 04

  I agree.

• 45:29Speaker 06

  Hard disagree.

• 45:30Speaker 04

  But when you get up, put them back on.

• 45:32Speaker 05

  Hmm. Yeah. Okay, this is from anonymous. Hi boys, my boyfriend, let's call him Barry, and I have recently started living together. And other than getting used to each other's particular quirks of how we like things done, i.e. teaching him the correct way of stacking the dishwasher, it's all been going great. That was until yesterday. In our bathroom, we have a tall radiator for hanging our towels. I use one large towel for my body, a smaller one for my hair, whereas Barry, who has shorter hair, just has the one large towel that he uses for both. Yesterday came to my attention that Barry thought this third, smaller towel I used for my hair was a spare. And having come from a period of living with his male friends where such amenities clearly didn't exist, thought it would be quite luxurious to adopt this as a spare towel as his own and make it his quote unquote dick and balls towel.

• 46:14Speaker 05

  So what is the etiquette when you discover you've been drying your hair and face with a towel that your partner has exclusively been using to dry his dick, balls and dare I say, asshole? Please help, anonymous.

• 46:25Speaker 04

  What a good idea.

• 46:26Speaker 05

  So how many, okay, how many towels do you use?

• 46:28Speaker 04

  Do you know what? I might adopt that. What a great idea.

• 46:33Speaker 05

  How many towels do you use?

• 46:34Speaker 04

  I used, I'm a two towel kind of guy.

• 46:35Speaker 05

  Yes, two towel.

• 46:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:36Speaker 05

  One for your head and your hair, smaller one.

• 46:38Speaker 04

  No, one for my lower and one for my upper. It's often said that when I come out, I look like the Pope.

• 46:46Speaker 04

  I know, I have like.

• 46:47Speaker 05

  Are they white?

• 46:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're white.

• 46:49Speaker 06

  Still waiting on that letter, aren't we?

• 46:50Speaker 04

  I have a smaller. Oh, yeah.

• 46:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, Ben's reminded us when we wrote to the Pope about the contraceptive position of rats or something.

• 46:56Speaker 04

  I have a smaller towel around me and a big one around my waist.

• 46:59Speaker 05

  No, you have one for your hair that you can do a little turban, ala Norma Desmond, and then one for your body.

• 47:05Speaker 04

  No.

• 47:05Speaker 05

  But I've got quite, I've got, I have a bath sheet that's quite big as opposed to a small.

• 47:08Speaker 04

  I have a small and a, and a big bath on. But I do like the idea of how luxurious, a little towel for your balls and willy.

• 47:15Speaker 05

  Just have a flannel.

• 47:17Speaker 06

  How, how, yeah, would you?

• 47:18Speaker 05

  Just give a flannel, yeah.

• 47:19Speaker 04

  A little, a little.

• 47:20Speaker 05

  You could probably get away with a cotton pad.

• 47:24Speaker 04

  I like that, that's very luxurious.

• 47:26Speaker 06

  Kitchen paper.

• 47:27Speaker 05

  Just one single Kleenex.

• 47:29Speaker 04

  Imagine be doing.

• 47:30Speaker 05

  If there's any left.

• 47:31Speaker 04

  Imagine doing so well in your life.

• 47:33Speaker 05

  Hmm, that you have three towels.

• 47:35Speaker 04

  That you have a towel for your balls.

• 47:37Speaker 05

  I've said it before, if I won the lottery, I'd have clean sheets every night.

• 47:41Speaker 04

  Would you?

• 47:41Speaker 05

  Hmm, I love clean sheets.

• 47:43Speaker 04

  How often do you do your sheets?

• 47:44Speaker 05

  Once a week, twice actually a week in this weather, because of, you know.

• 47:48Speaker 04

  Every Friday for me.

• 47:50Speaker 05

  I know, you say it changes depending what we're doing.

• 47:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, get, get home from work on a Friday and you've got a fresh bed in.

• 47:55Speaker 06

  Oh my. Sunday, it's gotta be Sunday, surely.

• 47:57Speaker 04

  What? No, Friday.

• 47:59Speaker 05

  Just, we just do it after the seventh night, because obviously if we've been away, it just changes, so it's like.

• 48:04Speaker 04

  Who are you, Jesus?

• 48:04Speaker 06

  That's even worse.

• 48:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, after the Sabbath.

• 48:10Speaker 06

  And on the seventh day, he changes his sheets.

• 48:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, on the Sabbath, one shall change thy sheets.

• 48:17Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 48:18Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 48:19Speaker 05

  Um.

• 48:19Speaker 04

  And look, I'd try and get over it.

• 48:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, you just say to him, but also have coloured towels. This is where, yeah, so one person has pink and the other one has green. Or one has white and one has grey or whatever. So if they're all the same, I mean, Mike and I have the same coloured towels now, but we know positions on the, um, on the towel rail, whose is whose.

• 48:41Speaker 04

  Look, if.

• 48:42Speaker 05

  Generally, I'm top.

• 48:46Speaker 04

  That's a good idea. You'll tell you when my mum came round, she won't let me, because I've got all white towels. She said, your dad's not using white towels.

• 48:54Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 48:55Speaker 06

  I'm surprised you trust yourself with white towels.

• 48:56Speaker 04

  She went, have you not got any brown ones or redy ones? I was like, no, he's actually, are you sure? I went, she went, don't start whingeing when the shit stains on him. I was like.

• 49:06Speaker 05

  But you can get that out, to be fair. That does wash out.

• 49:09Speaker 06

  He can also wipe your bottom.

• 49:11Speaker 04

  He's known for leaving, he's known for leaving skiddies on towels and stuff like that. Jordan. So, yeah.

• 49:16Speaker 05

  That's not something, can I just say, can I just say, outside of Lancashire, that is nothing to be proud of.

• 49:23Speaker 04

  I'm proud of it.

• 49:24Speaker 05

  No, but your father shouldn't, that shouldn't be how you're known.

• 49:28Speaker 04

  Well, he's not, he's done it a couple of times.

• 49:30Speaker 05

  He's a great raconteur. He makes a lovely gnocchi. He leaves.

• 49:34Speaker 04

  She changed bed once and he sat on bed and left the skid mark.

• 49:39Speaker 04

  She went mad at him.

• 49:39Speaker 06

  I think that is the end of the episode.

• 49:41Speaker 04

  She went mad at him.

• 49:42Speaker 05

  Can we just move on?

• 49:43Speaker 04

  I was gonna say something about, oh, but also if people have been complimenting you on your skin and saying your skin looks nice, maybe use that then, maybe the balls sweat's been good for you.

• 49:51Speaker 05

  Right.

• 49:51Speaker 04

  Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up on every release day. All you've got to do is head to YouTube and search for Sex Did. Goodbye.

• 50:07Speaker 05

  Goodbye.

• 50:07Speaker 06

  Quick straw poll on who was funnier?

• 50:09Speaker 05

  Ben.

• 50:10Speaker 04

  Ben.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.

• 50:27Speaker 02

  Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble. But was he set up? Wanted add led to a fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime. You're not gonna end up going to prison, are you, kidlet? I'm Josie Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.