Sarah Sherman asks about last meals and gross stuff

Sarah Sherman of Saturday Night Live asks a double-header question about death row meals and the grossest things the Handsome hosts have experienced! Plus Tig is "Home Alone," a CPAP machine moment that's unforgettable (even if you might want to forget it), and an epic recap of the Red Sports Bra portion of our live show! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:35Mae Martin?

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• 1:19Mae Martin?

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• 1:48Fortune Feimster?

  Cheers.

• 1:49Mae Martin?

  Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Mae Martin, sitting here, sitting here, watching the day go by with my pals.

• 1:57Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune Feimster.

• 1:59Tig Notaro?

  And Tig Notaro.

• 2:00Mae Martin?

  Woo!

• 2:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah!

• 2:02Mae Martin?

  What's up, you guys?

• 2:04Tig Notaro?

  What's up with you? What's your background? Where are you? What is going on, girl?

• 2:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 2:10Fortune Feimster?

  I'm on the road, so I'm in a lovely hotel room that flooded this morning.

• 2:15Mae Martin?

  What?

• 2:18Fortune Feimster?

  I woke up and it was, I went to grab a water and uh,

• 2:24Tig Notaro?

  There was too much of it.

• 2:25Fortune Feimster?

  It was dark and I felt like a little bit of water on my foot and I was like, did I wake up in the middle of the night? And like, get water and spill it? And I didn't even, it didn't even occur to me to like, double check. I just kept milling about my business. And then got ready and walked into the other room and it was just like, the floor was covered in water.

• 2:46Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 2:47Fortune Feimster?

  Apparently another, uh, the room upstairs flooded.

• 2:52Tig Notaro?

  From their toilet?

• 2:53Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know.

• 2:54Tig Notaro?

  I think so.

• 2:56Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe, but I had like called and said, you guys might need to come in here. Like this seems like a bad um leak and they waited like two hours.

• 3:04Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 3:04Fortune Feimster?

  And then the guy finally came and he was like, oh, it's actually upstairs. And I was like, oh, okay. So he got all the water up.

• 3:12Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, you stepped in dirty toilet water.

• 3:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Maybe it was a, maybe it was a bath. Maybe somebody's.

• 3:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Maybe there was a bath bomb in there somewhere.

• 3:24Tig Notaro?

  May, you know it wasn't a bathtub.

• 3:26Mae Martin?

  It was either poo water or it could be ghost. Ghosts make things wet.

• 3:33Tig Notaro?

  Ghost water.

• 3:34Mae Martin?

  Ghost water. Yeah. So you got up in the night, you stepped in water. You thought, I'm just gonna keep milling about my business.

• 3:40Fortune Feimster?

  Well, it was this morning and uh, and then there's a big water stain on this ceiling and then there's a big giant water bubble in the bathroom that's gonna pop at any minute. So what, it's a fun time.

• 3:53Tig Notaro?

  And do you wanna release the name of the hotel and what room you're in? So people maybe want to stay in your toilet water room in the future?

• 4:01Fortune Feimster?

  All I'll say is that I'm in Salt Lake City. I don't need to bash the hotel.

• 4:07Tig Notaro?

  I'm not saying bash.

• 4:08Fortune Feimster?

  They're just not in a hurry.

• 4:11Tig Notaro?

  I'm not saying to bash them. I'm saying give out the room and, and numbers. So people are like, oh my God, this is the toilet water room.

• 4:18Fortune Feimster?

  This is the bath bomb water Fortune walked in. We're gonna say it was a bath bomb.

• 4:23Mae Martin?

  Okay, we can say that, but.

• 4:24Fortune Feimster?

  We can, but.

• 4:25Mae Martin?

  What, did it smell bad?

• 4:27Fortune Feimster?

  It did not.

• 4:28Tig Notaro?

  Did it smell good?

• 4:29Fortune Feimster?

  It smelled like lavender.

• 4:32Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 4:34Fortune Feimster?

  So that's been my day. It's cold here. I have on one of those thick. Yeah, that was cozy. Jacket things. This is very nice.

• 4:42Tig Notaro?

  I can confirm Fortune is in one of those snuggly.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  My mommy, my mommy bought it for Christmas. Oh, my gosh. How old are you, Fortune?

• 4:54Tig Notaro?

  How old are you, little baby?

• 4:56Speaker 00

  My tiny baby Fortune. My mommy bought it for me for Christmas. Oh.

• 5:02Mae Martin?

  What if the podcast was me and Tig and a five year old?

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Or what if we all talked like babies? Every episode, we were like, what have you been doing, Fortune? I had a big sandwich and tomorrow I might have a candy. A candy?

• 5:19Fortune Feimster?

  Well, my mom bought me ladies pajamas for Christmas.

• 5:23Mae Martin?

  Pretty little lady?

• 5:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, pretty little lady pajamas. And I was like, Mom, I love you. But there's no planet on which I will wear these pretty little lady pajamas. And she's like, they're solved. I was like, look at the picture of the lady on the front. Does that look like? Do we look similar in what we wear to bed?

• 5:45Mae Martin?

  I'm glad to know that that that never stops. Like, yeah.

• 5:49Tig Notaro?

  That happens to you still, May?

• 5:51Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah. People will buy me clothes as a gift and they go, this is very gender neutral. This is just a, you know, a good old sweater. And I'm like, it's a scoop.

• 5:59Tig Notaro?

  Ball gown.

• 5:59Mae Martin?

  It's a scoop neck ball gown.

• 6:02Fortune Feimster?

  It's just a ball gown. Anyone could wear this.

• 6:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So I, I said to my mom, my mom and I have become very honest about presents. Where I say, can I just, I don't want to waste your money. Can you just, can I give this back to you? So that you can return it and get your money back. And she's like, yeah, that's fine. And then we went to another store. She's like, I really want you to, I really want to get you something. Will you pick out something in the store? And I was like, I doubt I'll find anything. And we walked in, found this right away. I was like, amazing. Yeah, it's like sort of forest lumberman. Yeah, perfect for my winter. I'm doing a bunch of winter cities in a row, three in a row. So this is perfect. Anyway, enough about me.

• 6:52Mae Martin?

  Never enough about you.

• 6:53Tig Notaro?

  No, never. And what did, what did you get Ginger?

• 6:58Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, money, honey.

• 7:00Tig Notaro?

  Money, honey?

• 7:01Fortune Feimster?

  I gave her a big fat check.

• 7:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, I like that.

• 7:04Tig Notaro?

  And no, no present to go along with it? None whatsoever?

• 7:08Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, let's see. I took her to a nice steakhouse for Christmas Day.

• 7:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's all I ever want.

• 7:14Fortune Feimster?

  So that's an experience. I filled up her car with gas. Um, I took her to a lot, several lunches while I was home. Do these count?

• 7:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, of course, of course. Everything counts.

• 7:26Fortune Feimster?

  I took her trash out.

• 7:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, okay. Merry Christmas.

• 7:29Fortune Feimster?

  And I made a whole, I made a whole list of everything I did and said Merry Christmas.

• 7:36Tig Notaro?

  Did you really?

• 7:37Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 7:39Tig Notaro?

  Oh, no. Then you took it all away.

• 7:43Fortune Feimster?

  Here's a list of everything I've done for you. This counts as a present.

• 7:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and not just this year. A list of everything you've done since you were born for Ginger.

• 7:53Fortune Feimster?

  You're welcome.

• 7:54Tig Notaro?

  That's always a good feeling when somebody, um, lets you know what they did for you.

• 7:59Fortune Feimster?

  Throws things in your face.

• 8:02Mae Martin?

  They've been keeping track.

• 8:03Tig Notaro?

  I did this.

• 8:04Mae Martin?

  Can I ask, is Salt Lake City, is there a salty lake there? Is there an actual lake?

• 8:11Tig Notaro?

  And a city.

• 8:13Fortune Feimster?

  Do you know Tig, is there a salty lake here?

• 8:15Tig Notaro?

  There is. And it's disappearing.

• 8:18Mae Martin?

  Oh, man. And how come it's salty? Just natural reasons?

• 8:23Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. I think I've made up in my head or heard somewhere that like through the shifting of the planet somehow, that's like, I, it's probably wrong, but it's still like from the ocean somehow. Thomas, what is the real answer?

• 8:43Speaker 04

  The lake has no outlet. And so all of the minerals in the lake have nowhere to go. And so because water evaporates, it just gets, uh, more and more salty.

• 8:55Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm. So don't listen to me. Tig fact.

• 8:59Mae Martin?

  And fortunate have you tasted the water in your hotel room that's leaking through the ceiling. Is it salty?

• 9:04Tig Notaro?

  Did you lick it off the floor?

• 9:06Fortune Feimster?

  No, y'all. I went, I did do bottled water just because, you know, to be safe.

• 9:11Tig Notaro?

  Sure, sure.

• 9:12Fortune Feimster?

  So.

• 9:13Mae Martin?

  Tig, how are you doing?

• 9:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, Tig. I'm doing well. I'm, I'm home alone. It's a little scary. Oh my God, you guys, what a funny bit you just did. Go to YouTube.

• 9:28Tig Notaro?

  Go to YouTube if you want to see two of the most talented, hilarious,

• 9:37Tig Notaro?

  successful comedians working today, doing some of their best stuff. Let's see it again.

• 9:43Mae Martin?

  I only did it like when I saw Fortune did it. I just copied you.

• 9:47Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. Cause that was, that was funny. I'm home alone.

• 9:53Tig Notaro?

  And they did it again. They did it again.

• 9:56Fortune Feimster?

  I can't, I have my, my magical headset on, so it's hard to do it.

• 10:01Tig Notaro?

  Your Old Navy headset.

• 10:03Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. We need some more khakis up front.

• 10:07Mae Martin?

  So are you, are you gonna like run around the house and eat, eat your favorite snacks?

• 10:11Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, being your Ponties.

• 10:13Mae Martin?

  Just go crazy?

• 10:14Tig Notaro?

  I do that anyway.

• 10:15Mae Martin?

  You jump on the bed in your Ponties?

• 10:17Fortune Feimster?

  You just grab an apple and run around in your Ponties?

• 10:20Tig Notaro?

  And just go nuts. How dare you?

• 10:24Mae Martin?

  I'm picturing you, I'm picturing you in your sort of granny Ponties and you're like this around the house. And you got an apple.

• 10:32Tig Notaro?

  Seshing around with an apple and just living my best Tig life.

• 10:37Fortune Feimster?

  I love that. So why are you home alone?

• 10:41Tig Notaro?

  Well, Stephanie took Max and Finn to Palm Springs to see her family. I was going to go, we were all gonna go as a gaggle, but there was, you know, massive rain and flash flooding. And so we, we just stayed put. And then, and then when the weather cleared and she rescheduled it, I was busy. I have doctor appointments and I'm recording with you guys. And, and I was just like, well, I'm probably gonna skip this trip. So.

• 11:20Mae Martin?

  I'm going up to the desert today. Yeah, I'm going up to, to the desert and I'm driving up in my car.

• 11:29Tig Notaro?

  Because you?

• 11:30Mae Martin?

  Got mine? License. Yay. Oh my gosh.

• 11:36Tig Notaro?

  Do you drive around listening to Olivia Rodrigo?

• 11:41Mae Martin?

  Okay, cuz she has a song Driving License. Driver's license. Driver's license. It's so good. Yeah, so I'm trying to write a song about her song. A song that's like, if I write a song, it's like, I wanted to write a song about getting my driver's license, but someone already did. Hmm. Like that, it's a meta-song within a song, but I'm having a lot of firsts, guys. I went to my first valet parking. I went to my first drive-through all by myself.

• 12:09Tig Notaro?

  And did you drive-through?

• 12:10Mae Martin?

  I drove right through it. I sat in the fucking line for 35 minutes. Sorry for swearing. That's a long drive-through.

• 12:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:17Mae Martin?

  Was it In-N-Out? People are obsessed.

• 12:20Tig Notaro?

  You were at In-N-Out?

• 12:21Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 12:23Tig Notaro?

  For hours, you're sitting in the drive-through?

• 12:25Mae Martin?

  For 35 minutes, sitting in the line. Like, people love. I could've just got out and walked in, but I thought.

• 12:30Tig Notaro?

  When were you in this line? Was it last night by chance?

• 12:33Mae Martin?

  It was the night before last.

• 12:34Tig Notaro?

  Okay, cuz we exited the freeway last night. We went bowling with my ex and her family.

• 12:42Mae Martin?

  Oh, nice.

• 12:44Tig Notaro?

  And so we're exiting the freeway and we're sitting in this long line of traffic. And then Stephanie goes, "Oh, my God, this isn't traffic. This is In-N-Out."

• 12:57Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:57Tig Notaro?

  And we were sitting, we got, we exited the freeway and four vegans are sitting in line

• 13:05Tig Notaro?

  to go to In-N-Out.

• 13:07Mae Martin?

  That's funny. Yeah, people will just sit for an hour just to go through.

• 13:13Tig Notaro?

  They love it.

• 13:15Mae Martin?

  I can't do that line. I felt, like, I drove on the highway to get to the arcade. I went with our friend Sabrina and her kids. And I was great by myself on the highway. I was feeling great. And then did my first valet parking for the arcade, which was funny. And then, um, then went to the drive-through, but then driving back.

• 13:36Tig Notaro?

  Wait, you valeted at the arcade?

• 13:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah, you know those Dave and Buster's there, like.

• 13:41Tig Notaro?

  Did you pay with tokens? When you got your car?

• 13:44Mae Martin?

  Tickets.

• 13:47Tig Notaro?

  Raffle tickets.

• 13:49Mae Martin?

  I think the valet was for Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, it was. But I snuck in there and then, but I did get really scared driving back on the highway in the dark. I, I just got in my head and I, I wanted to go so slow and you can't.

• 14:02Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 14:03Mae Martin?

  No.

• 14:04Tig Notaro?

  Unless you're Stephanie.

• 14:05Mae Martin?

  Does she go slow?

• 14:07Tig Notaro?

  Not only does she go slow, she is like a magnet to a Sanford and Son pickup truck.

• 14:14Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 14:16Tig Notaro?

  That looks like it's headed to the dump and there's like 10 million things piled on the truck with rakes and shovels.

• 14:23Mae Martin?

  I get too nervous behind those.

• 14:25Tig Notaro?

  She doesn't even realize she's doing it and she'll just like find that truck every time and we'll be driving behind it going.

• 14:37Mae Martin?

  What song is that?

• 14:39Tig Notaro?

  That's the theme song to Sanford and Son.

• 14:41Mae Martin?

  Oh, nice.

• 14:44Tig Notaro?

  And I'm like, Stephanie, we're headed to the dump again. And she's like, oh my God, I didn't even realize I was behind this.

• 14:53Mae Martin?

  Does she do, does she, when y'all are all together as a family, does she drive for the most part?

• 14:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's her preference.

• 15:01Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 15:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:02Mae Martin?

  Who do you think's the safer driver?

• 15:04Tig Notaro?

  Well, I don't want to get into this. I think we have a difference in opinions.

• 15:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I think I might be.

• 15:16Mae Martin?

  That's funny. Well, you know, it's fun to be driven sometimes. I'm done with being driven. I never want to be driven again. I'm gonna be the driver. I love to drive. Yeah. I feel like it's changed my, I know it's only been like a week, but I do feel like it's changed my whole personality. You are more confident today. I feel, do you think? Yeah. I feel it. I feel more confident. I can see it. You have a little pep in your step. I'm feeling pretty good. I had a, I had a, the other day I thought, you know what? No one's coming to save us. Like, we gotta, like, you know what I mean?

• 15:54Tig Notaro?

  Let's hear May out.

• 15:56Mae Martin?

  Die on this hill alone. Let's hear you out, bud. What, what do you mean? I kind of thought, well, someone said to me, if, how would you feel if the rulers of the world had your habits and your lifestyle? And I thought, not good. And then I thought, I better change that.

• 16:14Tig Notaro?

  That's interesting. Who, who asked you that?

• 16:16Mae Martin?

  Um, I actually saw it on Instagram.

• 16:20Tig Notaro?

  Didn't you just say someone asked you?

• 16:22Speaker 05

  Okay, you've caught me in a little lie there. That's really embarrassing.

• 16:30Tig Notaro?

  I thought the person was talking to me, to be fair, through the video.

• 16:35Speaker 05

  I guess it was probably an Instagram account called like Interesting Questions.

• 16:39Tig Notaro?

  Ask yourself and then tell people you had a friend ask you this.

• 16:43Speaker 05

  A close friend asked me the other day.

• 16:45Tig Notaro?

  He was like, wow, your friend is very insightful. Well, I was just like, that's such an interesting question. Who is this person? What other, what else have they asked you?

• 16:55Speaker 05

  Turns out it's AI.

• 17:00Speaker 06

  Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

• 17:01Speaker 05

  I thought I was Beck Bennett.

• 17:02Speaker 06

  No, no, no, no.

• 17:03Speaker 05

  I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that.

• 17:04Speaker 06

  Exactly. No, all good. All good.

• 17:06Speaker 05

  Thanks, buddy.

• 17:06Speaker 06

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• 18:24Mae Martin?

  I think I was kind of thinking too, like I have a lot of friends who are having a tough time, have had a tough year. And I was just like, do I, because I can see clearly what they should do to fix their lives. You know what I mean? Because I care about them. And I'm like, oh, my God, I wish I could just get in your brain and fix everything. And then I thought, do I like myself as much as I like my friends? And then I kind of, I was like, that is at the heart of why we don't thrive is we don't like ourselves. We don't think we, or we're waiting, I'm done, I'm rambling, but I'm having a kind of come to Jesus week where I'm like, yeah, I got, no one's gonna do this for me. I've got to like, yeah, get up in the morning and not that I wasn't in a dark place or,

• 19:08Mae Martin?

  and I haven't, like, my habits are pretty healthy, but I'm just suddenly like, oh, life's so short.

• 19:13Tig Notaro?

  And what do you think triggered that?

• 19:15Mae Martin?

  Well, this experience I had with a psychic, probably. And then also just caring for my friends and not wanting to have another year where I'm like, sad in any way. And I'm just like, my life is great. Yeah.

• 19:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:35Mae Martin?

  Anyways.

• 19:36Fortune Feimster?

  Man, that Instagram post inspired a lot in you.

• 19:40Mae Martin?

  I know, I know.

• 19:42Tig Notaro?

  But I think that's a really exciting place to be, May.

• 19:45Mae Martin?

  Thanks.

• 19:45Tig Notaro?

  I mean, and especially that, my brain just flashed it, not that you're like, I mean, who knows, maybe you are, but not that, I don't think you're serving food to people in need every day. But like, even making, you know, doing that, coming out of your comfort zone and like, doing things that are not in your regular day to day and, and learning how to drive. And yeah, just, it's always so, yeah, like, going back to that question that your friend named social media asked you. But like, that idea of how new

• 20:25Tig Notaro?

  questions, that's kind of what the show does too, is like, just, it triggers your brain in such a different way when you get asked a new kind of question like that. Or you step out of your comfort zone, you walk into this place to help. People in need and, and those kind of moments that take you out of your

• 20:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Tig Notaro?

  Co like autopilot.

• 20:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And like being really mindful of your inner monologue and just being like, I like, friendship is so crucial for that because your friends reflect back to you like, you know, nice things about yourself and, and the way I feel about my friends. So I'm trying to like, check my, I heard another great quote from a close friend.

• 21:12Mae Martin?

  And I

• 21:13Tig Notaro?

  Name them Facebook.

• 21:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah. I think this was another

• 21:18Tig Notaro?

  My old roommate, Facebook, reached out to me yesterday.

• 21:24Mae Martin?

  It was like both fear and faith require you to believe in something that hasn't happened yet. And you're, both of them are just, you're making it up. So if you're living in fear, thinking about the worst things that could happen, or how everything could go wrong. It's like, well, that's not happening now. And, and so you may as well just anticipate the best things happening and have, have faith, everything's going to be good. And, you know, so I'm glad I have all these smart friends.

• 21:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 21:54Mae Martin?

  Who have these

• 21:55Tig Notaro?

  Very lucky.

• 21:55Mae Martin?

  These really pithy quotes.

• 21:58Tig Notaro?

  Not just good friends, but friends that are so connected.

• 22:02Mae Martin?

  To like millions of people.

• 22:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Yeah. You're really hooked up.

• 22:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:08Fortune Feimster?

  That is not what's appearing on my Instagram.

• 22:11Tig Notaro?

  What are you? What's on yours?

• 22:13Fortune Feimster?

  Like Pomeranians and people shoving food in their mouth, slurping it like.

• 22:20Mae Martin?

  Is that a genre of video? Is people slurping?

• 22:23Fortune Feimster?

  There is this thing where people are like eating on Tig Tok and the messier, the better. And they like are slurping their food up. It's disgusting. And also like kind of like a train wreck. You can't stop watching and they get like millions of views and they're like

• 22:38Tig Notaro?

  And you're part of it.

• 22:40Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 22:42Fortune Feimster?

  It's it up. Watch one video and suddenly you got 30.

• 22:48Tig Notaro?

  Wow. Are you still on Instagram or are you just on TikTok? Both. Okay. I like them both.

• 22:55Fortune Feimster?

  But they both now have similar things where if you look at one video, suddenly you see a bunch of things in that.

• 23:03Mae Martin?

  Bunch of slurping.

• 23:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So I need, I need to get to smarter TikTok and Instagram so I can get.

• 23:10Tig Notaro?

  No ma'am.

• 23:11Fortune Feimster?

  No ma'am. Kind of questions.

• 23:13Mae Martin?

  But it's all like sort of pop psychology that I get, but some of it, some of it makes you think.

• 23:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Did you at least have a nice holiday? Was that more uplifting?

• 23:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I had, I, I, I had, I hosted here for a bunch of friends and I cooked and it, yeah, it felt good. I feel like the master of my domain in a way.

• 23:34Fortune Feimster?

  Good.

• 23:35Tig Notaro?

  Bought a house, bought a car, got your license. I, we were driving to go meet my ex and her family for bowling and we heard the driver's license song and I was just like picturing you driving around, listening to that song.

• 23:49Mae Martin?

  The day I did my test, it was that pouring rainstorm. It was crazy, big puddles and I think that helped me. I think the guy was just impressed I showed up. Um, and it was a different guy and who, the guy that failed me the first time, I'm in line at the DMV and he comes over and I roll down the window and he goes, oh, no, I'm going to get someone else to do your test.

• 24:10Tig Notaro?

  Oh, really?

• 24:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah, cause I guess that's the rule. Like, so he's not biased, but I took it so personally. I was like, I'm safe. You can get in the car with me.

• 24:20Fortune Feimster?

  That's hilarious.

• 24:21Tig Notaro?

  Now I have to ask you something. That sounds like a negative spin. The guy that failed me.

• 24:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah. No, you're right. The guy who, so how would I frame it?

• 24:31Fortune Feimster?

  The guy who didn't think you were ready?

• 24:34Mae Martin?

  Yes, the guy who gave me the opportunity to practice some more.

• 24:38Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Gave you the opportunity to get better.

• 24:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:42Fortune Feimster?

  There we go.

• 24:43Mae Martin?

  I was trying so hard to sort of warm him up. Like I said, you remember me? He was like, yes, I do. And I said.

• 24:50Tig Notaro?

  From Wayward?

• 24:50Mae Martin?

  From, you seen Wayward?

• 24:53Fortune Feimster?

  Number one IMDB search.

• 24:56Tig Notaro?

  Where are you landing on IMDB these days, May? Not that I haven't been tracking you.

• 25:01Mae Martin?

  Thomas, can we, do you know how to check?

• 25:03Fortune Feimster?

  While we're checking.

• 25:04Tig Notaro?

  You don't know how.

• 25:05Fortune Feimster?

  While we're checking, should we ask May how this thing got in their window? That looks like a, like a newspaper clipping has been put up as a, as a blind.

• 25:19Tig Notaro?

  May, did you know we would notice this?

• 25:23Mae Martin?

  Or? I forgot to take it down.

• 25:25Tig Notaro?

  You think you were gonna squeak that by us?

• 25:27Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, were you having naked time in your room and you don't want people to see was that what was happening?

• 25:31Tig Notaro?

  Were you running around in your granny panties?

• 25:33Fortune Feimster?

  Were you in a granny panties?

• 25:35Mae Martin?

  Imagine if it was, I'm like, yeah, I'm feeling great these days. And then it's newspaper all over all my windows and I'm just.

• 25:42Fortune Feimster?

  It does kind of look like that.

• 25:44Mae Martin?

  I had somebody staying in my guest room and I, I still haven't got around to putting the blinds in. And so I do have this like blackout fabric that you, and I stuck it with tape. Yeah, it looks sketchy.

• 25:56Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, so that's the, that's the guest room where you're recording.

• 25:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:00Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I love that you make them look at your trophies.

• 26:03Mae Martin?

  Listen, I just want to remind them.

• 26:06Tig Notaro?

  That you are number what on Star Meter?

• 26:09Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 26:10Fortune Feimster?

  132, that's still big.

• 26:13Mae Martin?

  Is it?

• 26:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yes. Yeah, because like most act, most working actors are like 3,000 or 4,000.

• 26:21Mae Martin?

  Okay, 132.

• 26:22Tig Notaro?

  What, what is Fortune?

• 26:24Fortune Feimster?

  I'm probably like 4,000.

• 26:27Mae Martin?

  This feels toxic.

• 26:28Fortune Feimster?

  I think it's like, uh, who's.

• 26:30Tig Notaro?

  We should compete every time we get on here.

• 26:33Fortune Feimster?

  I think the number is based on articles about you and how many people are searching you.

• 26:39Tig Notaro?

  256.

• 26:40Fortune Feimster?

  286, really?

• 26:42Tig Notaro?

  Fortune is.

• 26:44Mae Martin?

  Fortune.

• 26:45Fortune Feimster?

  That's pretty good, that's pretty good for me.

• 26:47Tig Notaro?

  That's really good for anyone. And then we've got.

• 26:53Mae Martin?

  1,912.

• 26:55Tig Notaro?

  That'll happen to my career.

• 26:57Fortune Feimster?

  But I don't think, but I think it's just based on like people searching for you when a project comes out or something like that.

• 27:03Tig Notaro?

  No, it's solely based on talent and.

• 27:10Tig Notaro?

  And long-term success and that's fine. I, I wish you both the best.

• 27:16Tig Notaro?

  I'll sit here at nearly 2,000. That means there's 2,000 more people than me having way more success.

• 27:26Fortune Feimster?

  I feel like normally I'm like 3,000 or something.

• 27:29Mae Martin?

  I mean, me too. I don't think I've ever even made it on the list.

• 27:31Tig Notaro?

  I think this is the highest number I've ever had.

• 27:35Fortune Feimster?

  Life is good, baby.

• 27:37Tig Notaro?

  Yes, it is. Oh, here, I have something.

• 27:40Mae Martin?

  What is that?

• 27:42Tig Notaro?

  Just like a little, I've hurt my neck because I've started using a CPAP machine.

• 27:48Mae Martin?

  Oh, what's CPAP?

• 27:50Fortune Feimster?

  It's for sleep apnea.

• 27:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, like I have tubes coming out of my head and, and also like a chin strap. I have to show you this video Stephanie took of me. I put it on and I put my eye mask on and my ear plugs. And then she filmed me not, I didn't know she was filming me. And then she put it to go into the chapel and we're gonna get married.

• 28:18Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God, that's funny.

• 28:20Tig Notaro?

  She just zooms in on my face and then she pans over to my glasses that are next to my bed. And then the cane that I used to use when I broke my, um, my femur and had to have surgery. So, um, that's, I can only assume she took the video because she finds me very appealing.

• 28:44Fortune Feimster?

  That's love, baby.

• 28:45Tig Notaro?

  Here, I'll show it to you now.

• 28:47Fortune Feimster?

  But why did it hurt your neck?

• 28:49Tig Notaro?

  Uh, well, I'll show you. Yes, I'll show you why this.

• 28:54Fortune Feimster?

  They rubbed against you?

• 28:56Mae Martin?

  Like you're carrying a lot of weight on your head?

• 28:58Tig Notaro?

  It's, listen, this is so, so mortifying.

• 29:05Mae Martin?

  Are we gonna be allowed to post? Oh, my God.

• 29:08Fortune Feimster?

  Tigs out? Do you have your tigs out?

• 29:13Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 29:17Fortune Feimster?

  Please let us keep this.

• 29:19Mae Martin?

  Please can we post this?

• 29:27Mae Martin?

  That is so funny.

• 29:30Tig Notaro?

  I look like I'm about to go scuba diving.

• 29:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like biggest eye mask I've ever seen.

• 29:37Tig Notaro?

  Hey, listen, when I say I have trouble sleeping, I mean it with every fiber of my being.

• 29:44Mae Martin?

  What's so funny is like that you've got-

• 29:46Tig Notaro?

  Tell me what is so funny, May.

• 29:48Mae Martin?

  All these sleep aids for the person who is having difficulty sleeping and they don't take into account how hard it now is for the other person to sleep next to this haunting figure with all of these devices.

• 30:01Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 30:02Mae Martin?

  It's exhausting.

• 30:04Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 30:05Mae Martin?

  And ironically, you can't sleep.

• 30:09Tig Notaro?

  I can't sleep. I have like a, I have a tube coming out of the top of my head.

• 30:13Mae Martin?

  Why the top? Because I think it's either the front or the top.

• 30:18Tig Notaro?

  It allows for me to move my head. And can I tell you when that went on me? What Kitty City did, they were all like, just stunned, like truly terrified. Anyway, that's what threw my neck out because I'm trying to adjust myself to sleep. And if I move in the wrong direction, then the, the air tube comes off of my nose and then sounds like an air, like a tire is gonna, is like, like just, like I've run over something in the car and my tire is going flat.

• 30:55Tig Notaro?

  And then I'm, and then I'm like, I'm sorry, Stephanie. And then I say it really loud because my ears are plugged and I can't hear it loud. Stephanie, I'm sorry.

• 31:05Mae Martin?

  I love it. This is so sexy.

• 31:09Tig Notaro?

  It really is. If only we could have seen that.

• 31:12Mae Martin?

  It's true love, though.

• 31:14Tig Notaro?

  When we first, when we first found one another and she was like, yeah, I'm gonna date a woman for the first time. Well, guess it's, guess what? It's headed in this direction.

• 31:23Mae Martin?

  So do you have like a heating pad on your, on your neck?

• 31:26Tig Notaro?

  No, it, it's like Bengay or whatever that medicine is. It's like warm and tingly. You know, it's the feeling of being gay.

• 31:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:36Tig Notaro?

  Icy hot, that's what it is. Bengay is probably the seventies.

• 31:39Mae Martin?

  How come gay isn't our last name? All of us. That would be good.

• 31:44Tig Notaro?

  Why didn't we call this podcast Gay?

• 31:46Mae Martin?

  Our last name is Handsome.

• 31:48Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we have to mention really quick before we get into our question because we never talked about it. At our live show.

• 31:54Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 31:55Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, that we livestreamed. Um, how amazing was that moment where Tig made a joke about a red bra? And one of our amazing handsome listeners in the audience, apparently somehow magically took off their bra in the middle of the show without anyone noticing. And suddenly, out of the darkness of red sports bra.

• 32:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's it was the specific city.

• 32:23Fortune Feimster?

  Stage.

• 32:24Tig Notaro?

  And that's what I talked about, not just a red bra. I said a cherry red sports bra.

• 32:29Fortune Feimster?

  Cherry red sports bra.

• 32:30Tig Notaro?

  Can you tell me what was the joke? So, well, it's one of the greatest jokes ever written. I was, I tried it out on Stephanie. I was lying in bed, waiting for her to finish brushing her tooth. And I said, oh, I've just thought of something funny. How when people are going through a midlife crisis, they buy a cherry red sports car. And I said, um, I don't know actually what the joke was.

• 32:57Fortune Feimster?

  Something about, I'm gonna buy a cherry red sports bra.

• 33:00Tig Notaro?

  Sports bra.

• 33:01Mae Martin?

  And that's, you'll know I'm having a midlife crisis.

• 33:03Fortune Feimster?

  But you didn't set, at the show, you didn't set up the car part. And so, man, I were like, what does this mean? Yeah. You said, in my midlife crisis, I'm gonna buy a cherry red sports bra. And we were like, wait, what?

• 33:13Mae Martin?

  It must have been 15 seconds max, 10 seconds maybe? This cherry red sports bra flies on stage.

• 33:20Fortune Feimster?

  Flies on stage. And we, May and I thought you planted it.

• 33:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 33:25Fortune Feimster?

  That like you somehow set this joke up with someone. And you, and then we turned the lights on and, and the lovely girl in the audience was like, no, I took it off.

• 33:36Mae Martin?

  She had like maneuvered, like done one of those like under the shirt.

• 33:39Tig Notaro?

  Which is hard with a regular bra, if I, if my, if memory serves. But really hard with a sports bra, right?

• 33:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 33:48Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 33:49Fortune Feimster?

  It was a record scratch, one of the greatest live show moments I've ever witnessed. It was like chef's kiss comedic timing. Our listeners are amazing.

• 34:06Mae Martin?

  All three of us, um, like got to our feet almost and we're, we were all just standing there sort of stunned.

• 34:13Tig Notaro?

  Not almost, didn't we all jump up?

• 34:15Mae Martin?

  We jumped up.

• 34:16Tig Notaro?

  And we were all like on the edge of the.

• 34:18Mae Martin?

  We were like, who did this?

• 34:19Tig Notaro?

  The stage, like where did that, what the hell? It was incredible.

• 34:24Mae Martin?

  I said, well, maybe we can try this with other things like I, I love gold and then someone gave me a gold ring. But then I felt bad, I gave it back.

• 34:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:33Mae Martin?

  But then the red sports bra woman at the end of the show came up and asked me to sign the red sports bra right on her boob.

• 34:40Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. And I threw her a Twix bar because that was pretty amazing. But anyway, I just had to mention that real quick.

• 34:48Tig Notaro?

  I was already in my Uber heading home.

• 34:49Fortune Feimster?

  I just had to mention it real quick because that show was so fun.

• 34:53Tig Notaro?

  It was so fun.

• 34:54Fortune Feimster?

  There's always something, several things that happen that are so unexpected and hilarious and nuts and crazy. And that's why I love when we can get together and do that. Cause our listeners are unbelievable.

• 35:06Tig Notaro?

  So fun. The live shows are just so, so fun.

• 35:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 35:11Tig Notaro?

  Should we get into our question?

• 35:13Fortune Feimster?

  We should. Let's do it. Today's question asker is an actress, comedian and writer who has been a cast member on Saturday Night Live since 2021. She is known for her surreal comedy, which you can see in her new HBO comedy special, Sarah Squirm, Live and in the Flesh. Sarah Sherman, also known as Sarah Squirm, is asking today's question.

• 35:38Speaker 07

  Hi, handsome podcast. I'm Sarah. I know we haven't all met officially, but I'm a big fan of all of you and I have a favorite. You have to guess which one, just kidding. Um, I just wanted to sow dissent amongst the podcast and see if any drama unfolded.

• 35:57Speaker 07

  My question is, okay, let's say you're on death row for a crime that you did commit. Abolish the police, but you are getting strapped into an electric chair for a heinous crime you committed.

• 36:08Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 36:09Speaker 07

  What's your last meal? What is your death row last meal? And it can be, you can say the meal, the accompanying drink, and the dessert.

• 36:19Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 36:20Speaker 07

  And if somebody already asked this perfect question, um, my follow-up question, and sorry for the inconvenience. My follow-up question is, I know you three have very busy schedules. You don't have time for inconveniences like this. Seriously, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Um, my follow-up question is, what's the grossest thing you've ever experienced? Bye.

• 36:42Fortune Feimster?

  Oh. Wow. Questions. Food stuff before, but I don't know if we've ever done last meals.

• 36:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah, let's do both questions.

• 36:51Fortune Feimster?

  Let's do them both, whatever comes to you.

• 36:54Tig Notaro?

  We haven't done last meal?

• 36:56Mae Martin?

  Feels like something we would have done.

• 36:57Fortune Feimster?

  Done like what, if we were food, what food would we be? And like, stuff like that, but I don't know if we did our last meal. I, I can't remember.

• 37:06Mae Martin?

  And then grossest thing you've ever experienced, that is really.

• 37:10Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I touched a wiener once.

• 37:19Fortune Feimster?

  I talked about that before, but that was pretty gross. Nothing against him and his particular wiener.

• 37:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Fortune Feimster?

  I just wasn't, I just didn't know I wasn't into wieners yet, but I guess I had to touch a wiener to know I wasn't into them.

• 37:35Mae Martin?

  Were you dying to touch that one?

• 37:36Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 37:37Mae Martin?

  Oops.

• 37:38Fortune Feimster?

  He was just kind of like, you want to touch it? And I was like, I guess.

• 37:42Mae Martin?

  And you're like, I gotta check this off my list. Like, I gotta just touch one.

• 37:45Fortune Feimster?

  Well, it was just not, I mean, I was like, this is what it's supposed to feel like. Ew.

• 37:52Tig Notaro?

  So this is the grossest thing you've ever done?

• 37:54Mae Martin?

  This is gross.

• 37:56Tig Notaro?

  This is pretty gross. So your May, your fantasy is the grossest thing that Fortune has ever done?

• 38:04Mae Martin?

  Wait, my fantasy is not just briefly touching a wiener.

• 38:07Tig Notaro?

  Yes, it is.

• 38:08Mae Martin?

  Admit it.

• 38:09Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you want to do, you want to do things with that wiener? I don't. It just felt, you know, I didn't even know how to describe it.

• 38:19Mae Martin?

  It was disappointing because you were like, I'm meant to feel something.

• 38:22Fortune Feimster?

  It was, I mean, I, I was proud of myself that it was erect. I felt like accomplished because had it been not, I would have felt bad about myself. Like, oh, I couldn't even get it.

• 38:35Tig Notaro?

  But that's the grossest thing I've ever done.

• 38:37Fortune Feimster?

  That's gross too.

• 38:38Tig Notaro?

  This is the grossest thing I have ever done is listen to Fortune talk about making a penis erect.

• 38:49Fortune Feimster?

  But, but you do want that result. So I was happy that that was in play.

• 38:54Mae Martin?

  Were you actually grossed out? Cause also imagine how like.

• 38:58Fortune Feimster?

  I just was like, I was like this.

• 39:00Mae Martin?

  Imagine like if a guy was, if a guy was saying, yeah, I did something, I did something gay to try it, but it was disgusting. You'd be like, oh, come on, it wasn't disgusting.

• 39:11Fortune Feimster?

  But I was also young, I was in high school. Maybe if, if I had touched one as an adult, maybe I could appreciate it more, but I, that opportunity never presented it, so.

• 39:21Mae Martin?

  I, I think I've talked about the grossest thing that I've done. But it was when I left my retainer on the table in a diner, left the diner. Have I talked about this?

• 39:33Fortune Feimster?

  Uh-uh.

• 39:33Mae Martin?

  I was, my mom said, do not lose your retainer. It costs $400. I said, of course I would never lose it, but I had the anxiety about it. And it was the first day I'd got it. I went to a diner with my friend, we were 13 and left it on the table. I get a block away, middle of winter in Toronto, and I'm like, fuck. And so I run back and the waitress says, it's not here. We cleared the table, sorry, it's not here. And she goes, you can look in the garbages if you want. And I went back.

• 40:02Tig Notaro?

  Garbages?

• 40:03Mae Martin?

  Me and my, my kind friend, we go back into the, the kitchen.

• 40:09Mae Martin?

  And they have big garbages there and they have bags of Garbages. Wait, what is, what's weird about garbages? Garbage is coral. Yeah. Oh, I guess I'm thinking like garbage cans. It's still just garbage.

• 40:26Mae Martin?

  I like garb- I'm sorry, I'm sensitive. I like garbages. Wait.

• 40:33Mae Martin?

  No, you wait. I looked in multiple garbages. No garbage. Just garbage. I think you could just say I looked in the garbage. I looked through the garbage. Or I looked through the garbage cans. I put on rubber gloves with my friend and we start sorting through just rancid food waste. That, and, and this guy, he was a dishwasher back there. This, he was in his 40s dishwasher. He didn't speak English and he felt bad for us and he goes, I'll help. He puts on his gloves and we start going through the garbage and he holds up Garbages. A lump of like true garbages, just a lump of like poo, basically. No.

• 41:16Mae Martin?

  And I always remember, he goes, hello, hello. And, and so he's so excited and I go, no, that's Hello, hello? Yeah. He's trying to get our attention and I go, that's a lump of garbage. And he runs it under the tap and slowly my retainer appears as the chunks of garbage fall off it. That is disgusting. And then you put it in your mouth? That's worse than the wiener. I took it on the subway back home, gripped in my palm. And then I knew my mom was gonna check on my retainer when I got in, so I put it back in my mouth. You had to put it in? Yeah. But I'd rinsed it a lot, but, oh man, it was so gross, but That's disgusting. I will always remember like the smell of that kitchen and it was so hot and people were mad at us for,

• 41:58Mae Martin?

  they're like, get out of my way. And me and my friend were probably stoned and like, I was gagging and, oh man. Oh, that is I didn't realize my co-hosts were so disgusting and gross. Whatever. But you must've changed a lot of diapers and stuff, Tig. Like you've had exposure there. Yeah, you like poo.

• 42:21Tig Notaro?

  You like poo in the garbages. I have something so gross that I did that's gonna top touching a weener. It's gonna top rinsing poop off a retainer and putting it in your mouth. Oh, I can't wait. Give it to me. Well, you're gonna have to. In fact, I'm gonna take a moment of silence for you to have to wait. That's fair.

• 42:42Tig Notaro?

  All right, silence.

• 42:46Tig Notaro?

  Okay, so this is also really crazy because I think I've mentioned I'm a bit of a germaphobe. Yeah. Okay. I've gotten better over the years. But you know how germaphobes kind of have glitches where you're like, oh, sure, that's gross, but you'll do that? But you won't do this? And it's like, I don't know what to tell you. I'm fine with this, but I'm not with that. Okay. Prepare yourselves. This is disgusting. I'm scared. I was out to eat, and I think this was before I was a germaphobe. Right.

• 43:29Tig Notaro?

  And to me, this was just like, whatever, nature, practical thoughts here, whatevs. I don't even know if practical is the word. I'm out to eat with a group of friends at this Vietnamese restaurant in Houston, Texas. We're all enjoying ourselves, having a grand old time. Guess who finds a dead roach? No. In their bowl of food. Oh, my god. It's me. It's me. I found it. Is it you? It's me, Fortune. I found that. And I told the waiter. And the waiter went to take my bowl, and I said, that's okay. No.

• 44:14Tig Notaro?

  I'll eat around it. No. Oh, yes, ma'am. I'll eat around it. I'll remove the roach, and then I'll eat around it till my other bowl comes.

• 44:24Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 44:26Fortune Feimster?

  You were like hungry.

• 44:27Tig Notaro?

  I was a hungry little thing.

• 44:29Fortune Feimster?

  I gotta finish this for the other bowl.

• 44:31Tig Notaro?

  It was so good. But I was like, whatever, it's a roach. Well, like, I'm sorry, is that grosser than rinsing poop off a retainer and shoving it in your mouth?

• 44:42Fortune Feimster?

  It might have dooked it in your soup.

• 44:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah, roaches are pretty nasty because they eat.

• 44:46Tig Notaro?

  Guess who's alive to tell the story?

• 44:49Mae Martin?

  That's weird.

• 44:50Tig Notaro?

  Hey, get off of me.

• 44:52Mae Martin?

  My God.

• 44:52Fortune Feimster?

  That roach had just eaten the shit that was surrounding May's retainer.

• 44:58Mae Martin?

  Retainer. And then it went on a weener.

• 45:00Tig Notaro?

  Look, it's not like I've had health issues after that.

• 45:04Fortune Feimster?

  None whatsoever.

• 45:06Mae Martin?

  But I kind of get, I get the impulse of being like, I don't want to have time where I have no bowl in front of me.

• 45:11Tig Notaro?

  Exactly. I was like, if like, there's no roach on the other half of this bowl, I already took that dead roach out.

• 45:17Fortune Feimster?

  Would you do that now?

• 45:19Tig Notaro?

  No, no, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't.

• 45:23Mae Martin?

  No, ma'am.

• 45:24Tig Notaro?

  But yeah, I think I was probably like 22 or something like that.

• 45:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And did your friends all react like you were out of your mind?

• 45:31Tig Notaro?

  Absolutely.

• 45:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:32Tig Notaro?

  Absolutely.

• 45:33Fortune Feimster?

  That is pretty gross.

• 45:35Tig Notaro?

  Thank you. At least I didn't touch a weener. And, um, May?

• 45:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:40Tig Notaro?

  At least I didn't rinse poop off of my retainer and put it in my mouth, which by the way.

• 45:45Mae Martin?

  To clarify, it wasn't poop. It just looked like poop.

• 45:47Tig Notaro?

  But do you know how many roaches crawled around on your retainer and pooped?

• 45:51Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, a lot.

• 45:53Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 45:53Fortune Feimster?

  Laid eggs in there.

• 45:54Mae Martin?

  The desperation speaks to the fear I had about getting in trouble that remains to this day.

• 46:00Fortune Feimster?

  The grossest thing really that I've ever experienced, I'm not going to put her on blast too much, but, uh, my mom, my mom used to have some hoarding issues. And, uh, cleaning her out of the last hoarding issue was probably the worst, one of the worst experiences of my life.

• 46:19Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 46:19Tig Notaro?

  I've never heard that cleaning her out of.

• 46:22Fortune Feimster?

  Cleaning the hoarder situation.

• 46:25Mae Martin?

  And you did it, you were, you personally were like, I'm going to show up and.

• 46:29Fortune Feimster?

  It was, I was still with Jax and we did it together and.

• 46:32Tig Notaro?

  Did you put it on your list of what you've done for her?

• 46:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it's definitely on the list. I've done it a couple, I've done it a handful of times in my lifetime for her. And it is a grand act of love because it was relentless and it took us like.

• 46:49Fortune Feimster?

  A week and a half and it felt like it was never gonna end.

• 46:52Mae Martin?

  Oh, wow.

• 46:53Fortune Feimster?

  And it was, it was bad. Sorry, Mom, if you're listening. You're, you're doing great now.

• 46:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And how, does that mean you hadn't visited her in a while or she gets a pileup real fast?

• 47:05Fortune Feimster?

  She gets a pileup pretty fast, but she, um, I had a place near her at the time. So when I visited, she would go there. And I knew, I knew something was up because she wouldn't let us go in her place for like three years.

• 47:19Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 47:19Fortune Feimster?

  And I would be like, you have to let us. And she was like, nope, nope, you're not going in there. So I knew something was happening. And then I decided to sell my place and I was like, you have no choice. You have to let us see.

• 47:31Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:31Fortune Feimster?

  It was bad.

• 47:33Mae Martin?

  I watched.

• 47:33Fortune Feimster?

  I won't go into detail, but it was.

• 47:36Mae Martin?

  We can imagine.

• 47:37Fortune Feimster?

  So bad.

• 47:37Mae Martin?

  But that's the thing that you, there must be so much like shame around it and secrecy.

• 47:42Fortune Feimster?

  Retainer and poop.

• 47:44Mae Martin?

  I, uh, sometimes my. And a wiener. My algorithm feeds me, um,

• 47:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 47:49Mae Martin?

  Videos of, of hoarding situations being cleaned and it's really satisfying the, the final product. Like.

• 47:56Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah. Finally, when, when we were done and it was all clean and it was like a miracle. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry every day. We were there doing this because it felt like it would never end, but we finally did it. And it is a triumphant moment and she's doing great. It's, she's in her place now. It's, we redid the bathroom. We got it fixed up. The wall's painted. It's a lovely, lovely place.

• 48:23Mae Martin?

  That's awesome.

• 48:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 48:25Mae Martin?

  Great.

• 48:26Fortune Feimster?

  Anyway.

• 48:27Mae Martin?

  Favorite meals.

• 48:28Fortune Feimster?

  Last meals.

• 48:29Mae Martin?

  Oh, we're doing both.

• 48:31Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Well, because the last meal's pretty quick.

• 48:34Mae Martin?

  I'm going shrimp dumpling wonton soup as a starter.

• 48:38Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm.

• 48:39Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it's a multi-course last meal.

• 48:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 48:43Tig Notaro?

  She said, add, add a drink and dessert as well.

• 48:46Mae Martin?

  Oh, why was I not listening? I want like the Asian flavor. Um, so I want like some bok choy in there, but just as the starter and then the main, I think I'm, I think I'm doing like a chicken pot pie with like mashed potatoes and gravy and uh, maybe some peas and then. Some peas. All right. And yeah.

• 49:09Tig Notaro?

  Hilarious.

• 49:10Mae Martin?

  I love peas. And then dessert, I'm doing cheap birthday cake, like. Oh, really? Grocery store kind?

• 49:17Tig Notaro?

  This sounds like someone's first meal, a pot pie.

• 49:21Mae Martin?

  It's very childish. What is food?

• 49:27Tig Notaro?

  That is so funny.

• 49:29Mae Martin?

  I think the dessert would be a Betty Crocker cake, one of those ones that you make. A homemade one? I love those ones. Yeah. Drink, I'm doing lime cordial with like fizzy water.

• 49:41Tig Notaro?

  What is that?

• 49:42Mae Martin?

  What is that? You know.

• 49:44Tig Notaro?

  I just asked.

• 49:45Mae Martin?

  I'm, I pronounced it cordial, but I would say cordial. I self corrected because I thought you guys would make fun of me if I said cordial. No, we never.

• 49:54Tig Notaro?

  Only if you said cordials.

• 49:55Mae Martin?

  Only if you say garbages.

• 49:59Tig Notaro?

  Cordials is.

• 50:00Mae Martin?

  A lime cordial with fizz? It's just like ice cold fizzy water with just like some lime concentrate in it. Oh, okay. I bet that's refreshing. Lemon soda. Yeah. Then, um.

• 50:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. You want to be refreshed right before you go out.

• 50:14Mae Martin?

  Hell, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're sweating. I think that's it though. What about you guys? Tough meal to follow. I know.

• 50:24Mae Martin?

  Especially the peas. The peas? You're not getting peas everywhere. And the peas would be with some butter and salt and pepper and maybe some like mint in there. Oh, interesting. Mint. I've never heard of mint in peas. Yeah. I do like a pot pie though.

• 50:40Tig Notaro?

  What an odd moment for somebody to be like.

• 50:45Tig Notaro?

  What they're on death row and they're giving their order to a chef. And if the chef was responding the way Fortune was like, oh, interesting mint. Okay.

• 50:57Mae Martin?

  What's an alarm cordial? All right, we'll figure that out.

• 51:00Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Anything else? Anything to go?

• 51:03Mae Martin?

  The whole thing is so absurd.

• 51:06Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 51:06Mae Martin?

  And tragic and weird to be like, and what would you like to have your favorite things?

• 51:11Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 51:12Mae Martin?

  Like, I'd be like, fuck you.

• 51:13Tig Notaro?

  Would you like, would you like us to sing your favorite song also?

• 51:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah, seriously. Yeah.

• 51:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 51:19Mae Martin?

  What's your favorite color? We'll make, we'll give you a little bib.

• 51:23Fortune Feimster?

  Um, all right, fine. I'll answer.

• 51:26Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 51:27Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, for apps, some, I would probably do, I would do the southwestern egg rolls from Chili's and avocado egg rolls from Cheesecake Factory.

• 51:37Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 51:38Fortune Feimster?

  Just an egg roll sampler.

• 51:40Mae Martin?

  Both veggie. I've never tried avocado egg roll. What's that like?

• 51:46Fortune Feimster?

  Cheesecake Factory, they're so good.

• 51:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I am coming to your final day.

• 51:51Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. And maybe a lettuce, maybe a chicken lettuce cup as well. I'm going big for my app.

• 51:57Tig Notaro?

  Clearly.

• 51:59Fortune Feimster?

  For my meal, I love a lemon chicken piccata.

• 52:02Tig Notaro?

  Ooh.

• 52:03Fortune Feimster?

  Like a nice juicy piece of the chicken with the pasta, not some, some piccata is mashed potatoes, but I would do pasta.

• 52:13Tig Notaro?

  And what about a little bit of both, since you're never going to have food again?

• 52:17Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe. And I would have it really lemony and creamy with artichokes and capers and.

• 52:25Mae Martin?

  What kind of peas do you have in?

• 52:27Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want no peas in there. Get them out. And then, um, but then, you know, I love pad thai too. So maybe a side of pad thai.

• 52:37Fortune Feimster?

  And then for my drink, I'm doing, cause you know, I'm about to die. So we're gonna, we're going hard.

• 52:44Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 52:45Fortune Feimster?

  We're going old fashioned with a great bourbon in there and a red wine cab. Uh, and then for dessert, we're going, I'm getting two desserts. Gonna throw up on my way out.

• 52:59Tig Notaro?

  This is not allowed. Two desserts.

• 53:02Fortune Feimster?

  Just gonna vomit everywhere. I'm doing a cheese, uh, the Adam's cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.

• 53:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god. What's that one like?

• 53:11Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, that's the peanut butter one.

• 53:13Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:13Fortune Feimster?

  With the Reese's and Butterfingers. And then I'm doing from wherever, a butterscotch budino.

• 53:19Tig Notaro?

  What's that?

• 53:20Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a, it's like a butterscotch, um, pudding.

• 53:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, nice.

• 53:25Fortune Feimster?

  And then, yeah, that's, and then I'm throwing up everywhere.

• 53:28Tig Notaro?

  And then you're out.

• 53:29Fortune Feimster?

  Giving everyone the finger.

• 53:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 53:33Tig Notaro?

  Then jump out of a plane. Um, what would I do for my order?

• 53:40Fortune Feimster?

  Order or fancy?

• 53:42Tig Notaro?

  Oh, app.

• 53:43Fortune Feimster?

  We had apps.

• 53:43Tig Notaro?

  Finger apps.

• 53:46Tig Notaro?

  Um, well, I, I think it's just fresh in my mind. Um, Finn is very into, is it called like popcorn cauliflower?

• 53:55Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:56Tig Notaro?

  Where it's like deep fried cauliflower, buffalo cauliflower.

• 54:00Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 54:00Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 54:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yummy.

• 54:01Tig Notaro?

  Um, I'd maybe have that for an app. I also like, um, all right, wasn't it you two that were both so confused and grossed out? When I said you combined two soups?

• 54:14Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, that was interesting. I've not heard of it before.

• 54:17Tig Notaro?

  Not, not grossed out, but just, uh. Maybe Stephanie got irate about that.

• 54:22Fortune Feimster?

  It, but this is like mixing tomato soup with carrot soup or something.

• 54:26Tig Notaro?

  Tomato soup, half tomato soup, half like lentil or something.

• 54:31Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. No, I'm, I'm on board.

• 54:33Tig Notaro?

  And then I would go, um, I love those kind of like Buddha bowls that have like sweet potatoes and like purple rice and arugula.

• 54:44Mae Martin?

  So is any part of you going, it's your last meal, like you want to have a cheese or a, or a, or a meat thing. No, you're done. Your body doesn't like it.

• 54:55Tig Notaro?

  That is so revealing.

• 54:57Fortune Feimster?

  Going out with meat, steak and cheese.

• 55:02Tig Notaro?

  That people think that I am withholding. That's like when.

• 55:07Fortune Feimster?

  You're gonna finally treat yourself?

• 55:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. That was like during the pandemic, people would always ask, they're like, during the pandemic, did you start eating meat and cheese? And I'm like, no, why? Um, no, no, it doesn't appeal to me. What I love is like lion's mane steak.

• 55:27Mae Martin?

  Ooh.

• 55:27Tig Notaro?

  And cauliflower steak.

• 55:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 55:31Tig Notaro?

  Cauliflower steak, lion's mane steak. I would like that too. I'm gonna throw up on my way out too. I think we should do like a, a mass, like a, like a group death. Okay. We all go out, we just gorge ourselves. And then just projectile vomit.

• 55:50Mae Martin?

  This is so dystopian. So the three of us are in one room in three electric chairs.

• 55:56Tig Notaro?

  Three electric chairs.

• 55:57Mae Martin?

  And we're, people are, people are watching live stream.

• 56:00Tig Notaro?

  The metal cup hat. So we're like, our brains are fried.

• 56:04Mae Martin?

  You've got your sleep apnea.

• 56:06Tig Notaro?

  I have my sleep apnea machine. Um, so yeah, I would eat all that and then.

• 56:12Fortune Feimster?

  Cheese cake all over my face.

• 56:15Tig Notaro?

  And, um, and then I would have king cake for dessert, which is, that's the Mardi Gras, uh, dessert celebratory cake.

• 56:25Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a, it's in a ring and they put like little things in it.

• 56:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh, like a baby, baby doll or something. My family sometimes would, this is pretty gross too, but cook a penny in there. So like if you cut the piece that has the penny or the baby, it's good luck. And then you also host the party next year. But anyway, so I'd have that.

• 56:47Fortune Feimster?

  Swallow it.

• 56:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah. How many king cake related deaths are there per year, do you think?

• 56:52Tig Notaro?

  I think seventy-four.

• 56:53Fortune Feimster?

  People dig through them.

• 56:54Tig Notaro?

  Every year, seventy-four Cajuns die.

• 56:58Mae Martin?

  You know, twenty, twenty-four people a year die from champagne corks.

• 57:02Tig Notaro?

  Wow dang.

• 57:03Mae Martin?

  Don't know how.

• 57:04Tig Notaro?

  Rest in peace.

• 57:05Mae Martin?

  Quit, Otto. Yeah, maybe it hits the chandelier.

• 57:09Fortune Feimster?

  And are you doing a drink?

• 57:11Tig Notaro?

  The drink, and this is also vegan. Uh, I'd probably want like a milkshake that has like espresso beans in there and chocolate.

• 57:22Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah. I'd do an offigato.

• 57:24Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, fortune.

• 57:25Fortune Feimster?

  I'd do an offigato, I want to add to mine, an offigato.

• 57:28Mae Martin?

  You're gonna be like reaching over, we're in our adjacent chairs.

• 57:33Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, I forgot an offigato, can you go get me one of those?

• 57:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well, there you go.

• 57:40Mae Martin?

  Amazing.

• 57:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, thank you, thank you for the support there, Fortune.

• 57:44Fortune Feimster?

  Should we hear Sarah's answer?

• 57:45Tig Notaro?

  I think we should.

• 57:46Speaker 07

  Okay, my answer for my death row meal would be, um, I'm lactose intolerant, so in death, I would take advantage of finally just getting to like totally evacuate my bowels in the electric chair. I would have a bacon double cheeseburger, a giant Dr. Pepper not diet, because again, who cares? And, um, a cannoli. And I just, my ass would just let it rip one time. And then the grossest thing I've ever experienced was for a video that wasn't funny,

• 58:30Speaker 07

  I got a bunch of goat brains and raw, and I cooked them up and ate them.

• 58:38Tig Notaro?

  Ooh.

• 58:40Speaker 07

  Wasn't funny, but maybe it was interesting, so my excuse for that was that I was 23.

• 58:46Tig Notaro?

  Well, it sounds like her last meal is also the grossest thing.

• 58:52Mae Martin?

  Goat brains? Oh, you're right, yeah.

• 58:55Tig Notaro?

  Any of it, any of it.

• 58:57Fortune Feimster?

  Sarah did indeed make us squirm.

• 58:59Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes, indeed.

• 59:01Fortune Feimster?

  What a treat, that was fun.

• 59:03Mae Martin?

  It's always a pleasure.

• 59:05Fortune Feimster?

  It is always a pleasure.

• 59:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I can't wait to get back in the studio with you, both of you, all three of you. And another live show, hopefully sooner than later.

• 59:15Mae Martin?

  Yes, please.

• 59:16Fortune Feimster?

  In the meantime, I'm on the road. If anybody wants to come see a show, I'll be in Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, January 18th, Des Moines, Philadelphia, New York City at the Beacon on Valentine's Day. That would be a fun one for people to come. San Diego. I have a lot. It's on my website, fortuneofamster.com.

• 59:38Mae Martin?

  I am about to go on tour. Please come and see me. Go to maymartin.net. I'm going to, I'm doing 47 shows all across North America. It's going to be so dumb and fun and I really want to see people and meet people. Bring me your weird facts. And then also tonight, I'm at Largo with the Lisa Gilroy doing a surprise party where we are going to surprise each other and I have some good stuff planned.

• 1:00:04Tig Notaro?

  Love it. Also, love the thought of everyone coming out to see my tour. January 14th, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Orlando, Florida, January 15th, Tampa, Florida, January 16th. And what else? Oklahoma City, February 20th, Midland, Texas, February 21st. The list goes on and on and on and there will be dates and cities added. Go to tignotaro.com for all show information and I will also be doing my shows with the incredible speed painter, Amy Berkman, and we will be raising money for different charities at each show. It's

• 1:00:47Tig Notaro?

  going to be a grand old time. Go to tignotaro.com. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Check out Amy Berkman, man. Also, share your favorite episodes of Handsome with your friends and loved ones and let's continue to build the community and subscribe to our podcast and our YouTube pages. And how about the merch?

• 1:01:09Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, we've got some new merch. That's really cool.

• 1:01:13Tig Notaro?

  Handsomepod.com.

• 1:01:16Mae Martin?

  Represent it out in the world and see who you attract. Like you might bump into another Handsome fan.

• 1:01:22Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we got some really good stuff that just came out. So check it out.

• 1:01:26Tig Notaro?

  And?

• 1:01:28Fortune Feimster?

  Until next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woolett. Email us at [email protected] and follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 1:01:49Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast.

• 1:01:51Speaker 00

  What a podcast.

• 1:01:56Fortune Feimster?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 1:01:58Speaker 08

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 1:02:00Speaker 09

  And Hannah Simone.

• 1:02:01Speaker 08

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

• 1:02:23Speaker 09

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:02:36Speaker 08

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:02:47Speaker 09

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.