Rhett & Link ask about morning routines

The very funny Rhett & Link ask an eye-opening question about morning routine machines, plus a "whale of a tale," Fortune and Ginger's trip to Nantucket, Tig doing kegels, and more! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:35Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 0:53Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy, so easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:25Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Handsome. Chat with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chat with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers.

• 1:51Fortune Feimster?

  Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Fortune Beamster.

• 1:55Tig Notaro?

  And I'm Tig Notaro.

• 1:56Mae Martin?

  And I also am Mae Martin.

• 1:59Fortune Feimster?

  Woohoo.

• 2:00Tig Notaro?

  Also implies that we are Mae Martin.

• 2:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, or that I am also Tig Notaro.

• 2:06Tig Notaro?

  Yep, yep, yep.

• 2:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 2:08Tig Notaro?

  We are individuals.

• 2:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we are, although increasingly connected.

• 2:14Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 2:16Tig Notaro?

  Life works.

• 2:17Fortune Feimster?

  One big handsome boob.

• 2:21Mae Martin?

  One big handsome blob. Wait.

• 2:23Tig Notaro?

  Boob, a handsome boob. That is one sharp handsome boob.

• 2:30Fortune Feimster?

  I'm sticking with it. I'm gonna commit to that.

• 2:33Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 2:34Mae Martin?

  I recently heard a guy behind me goes, "Hey handsome," and I just assumed it was a listener. So I go, "Hey," and he was talking to someone else, this friend. And he was like, "What?" Like, "Oh, man."

• 2:49Tig Notaro?

  That's hilarious. I know. I get a lot of "keep it handsome." So maybe we should encourage people to make sure to use "keep it handsome" so that May doesn't turn around to find out that they are not the handsome one. Although you are, you are the handsome one, but.

• 3:07Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-hmm. This is true.

• 3:10Mae Martin?

  Well, you're both looking very handsome at the moment. Tig, you've had a haircut. I'd like to comment.

• 3:15Tig Notaro?

  I have. I have had quite a haircut, and this has even grown out for a week and a half.

• 3:21Mae Martin?

  Seriously?

• 3:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, this has grown out.

• 3:25Mae Martin?

  It's good. It's very, it's sharp, it's clean, it's almost military a little bit.

• 3:31Tig Notaro?

  It is. It's very, very short.

• 3:35Fortune Feimster?

  You going to boot camp?

• 3:36Tig Notaro?

  I am.

• 3:37Mae Martin?

  Boob camp?

• 3:38Tig Notaro?

  Boob camp, handsome boob camp.

• 3:41Fortune Feimster?

  God, that sounds fun. A boot camp?

• 3:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I, I, when I was getting my haircut, I turned to Stephanie, I was like, is this too short? And she was like, no. Like, she loves it when my hair is so short. So I immediately am like, all right, I'm on board. Great.

• 4:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, great. I mean, you're, you're only really trying to impress one person.

• 4:05Tig Notaro?

  That's, that's right.

• 4:07Mae Martin?

  How are you both? Where are you both? You're in a closet.

• 4:12Tig Notaro?

  I am in a closet.

• 4:13Fortune Feimster?

  Tig's in the closet.

• 4:14Tig Notaro?

  I am back in the closet. Happy to be here. It feels comfortable and familiar, very familiar to be in the closet. Yeah, I'm just traveling around. It looks like Fortune's just home with her plastic plant.

• 4:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 4:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I'm at home right now, which is surprising. I've been in and out.

• 4:36Mae Martin?

  And the plant's thriving?

• 4:38Fortune Feimster?

  The plant has stayed alive. I didn't have to water it.

• 4:41Mae Martin?

  Cause it's plastic?

• 4:42Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:43Mae Martin?

  Just to be clear. Yeah, okay.

• 4:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:46Fortune Feimster?

  This is great. Why would I want a real one right now when I could have this thrive?

• 4:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 4:52Tig Notaro?

  So wait, have you been touring or, or filming?

• 4:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, June was crazy. I was, I had shows every weekend out of town and then stopped in to see Ginger. Tig made a cute video on a bench for Ginger and she said to tell you thank you. She goes, I have no way to tell Tig thank you. I'm like, I have a way.

• 5:15Tig Notaro?

  I did not do it for a thank you from Ginger. I was truly just walking along and I saw a bench and I was like, I'm gonna go sit down. I was like, hold on a minute. This feels like a moment. And then I also thought, I was gonna post it on my page but then I just thought, there's probably a lot of people in my life that don't know what this means. So I was like, Thomas, can you just put this on the hands? I did it on my stories, but I was like, yeah.

• 5:41Mae Martin?

  What'd you say? I didn't see this.

• 5:43Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I just said that I was, I was sitting on a bench and sending positive thoughts to Ginger. And I guess I could have given it a description in my post, but.

• 5:54Fortune Feimster?

  She loved it.

• 5:55Tig Notaro?

  Oh, good.

• 5:56Fortune Feimster?

  I went home to visit her. It was really cool. She came to my show in Asheville, North Carolina. And she was backstage with me up until the show started because she's got to wear a mask right now in public just because her immunity is down. And she walked into the theater like right before.

• 6:15Tig Notaro?

  And because she's a star.

• 6:16Fortune Feimster?

  And that, you know.

• 6:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:18Fortune Feimster?

  She's like Justin Bieber.

• 6:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 6:21Fortune Feimster?

  Um, so she comes out in the front from backstage to go to her seat and the whole audience, like 2,400 people stood up and clapped.

• 6:31Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 6:32Fortune Feimster?

  And gave her this like.

• 6:34Tig Notaro?

  Whoa.

• 6:34Fortune Feimster?

  Amazing standing ovation. I was backstage and I heard this like roar and I was like, what was that? And they, and it kept going and I was like, oh, my God. And then I kind of, I was like, I think maybe this is for my mom and um, she got, they, my brother told me she got really emotional and it just like, she just couldn't believe it. It was so sweet, like just for.

• 6:58Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 6:59Fortune Feimster?

  All those people to do that for her and like, people were showing up to shows and giving me cards for her and it's just really incredible, the amount of love.

• 7:08Tig Notaro?

  Is she just feeling it big time?

• 7:11Fortune Feimster?

  For sure. That's, I think she sat down and just all the emotions came from that, just such a grand gesture. So to everyone in Asheville, that was really, really cool. And um, then I, I went home with her for a couple of days and I went with her uh, to her chemo appointment. Um, just wanted to kind of see what it was like and she had a little stuffed unicorn, a friend's kid made for her. It was really cute. Um, so yeah, she's, she's doing all right, you know, just uh, still in the early stages of chemo, but um.

• 7:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:44Fortune Feimster?

  I'll be popping into Belmont, seeing her a bit more often.

• 7:49Tig Notaro?

  That's right.

• 7:51Mae Martin?

  Oh, man, that must have been emotional, the standing ovation. Well, she's very, she's got like a sort of every mom energy. Like I think people, people really feel connected to her. Cause she's like, and she's, cause she's so loving and.

• 8:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, very open, hugs everybody. Well, she couldn't hug people that night, but you know, in normal times, she's hugging everybody and loving, talking to people and. Um, so yeah, she's a. The one nice thing about visiting her is that all these people in our town drop off food for her and I get to partake in that.

• 8:22Mae Martin?

  Ooh.

• 8:24Tig Notaro?

  What have been some, uh, highlights?

• 8:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what are we talking?

• 8:27Fortune Feimster?

  I've had fresh bread, I've had, uh, pound, uh, pound cake, blueberry pie.

• 8:34Tig Notaro?

  Hello.

• 8:35Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, I was about to miss out on the chicken and dumplings. I didn't get in on that, they were coming the next day.

• 8:42Mae Martin?

  What do you, what do you mean by dumplings?

• 8:44Fortune Feimster?

  Um.

• 8:46Tig Notaro?

  Excellent question, Meg.

• 8:47Fortune Feimster?

  That is next. I saw my face, I saw my face go dumplings.

• 8:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, is that like a southern thing, like it's like a biscuit or something?

• 8:55Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a, it's a doughy, it's kind of the same stuff that you make biscuits with. It's like doughy little like balls kind of.

• 9:03Mae Martin?

  Like a matzo ball?

• 9:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, a little denser and, um, it's in like a, like a, not gray, it's kind of gravy-esque, um, with chicken. It's a old southern comfort food.

• 9:18Mae Martin?

  Give me a grave.

• 9:19Fortune Feimster?

  It's really, it's really good. I think you would, I think you actually would really like it.

• 9:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm not going to abbreviate gravy to grave. But yeah, oh my God, yummy.

• 9:28Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a white, it's like a white cream base, not quite gravy, but in that like savory.

• 9:36Tig Notaro?

  I'm wondering how long we can describe a dumpling.

• 9:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:39Fortune Feimster?

  I think I'll all day too.

• 9:42Tig Notaro?

  What else you got?

• 9:45Mae Martin?

  I, I had, I just got back from, um, Nantucket and I had, I had lobster rolls and like, it was a surreal trip. I went for two days to do like this comedy panel and I've never been to that part of the world and it was very, have you been to Nantucket?

• 10:04Tig Notaro?

  I've been with Mr. Thomas.

• 10:06Mae Martin?

  Oh, you have?

• 10:07Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I have.

• 10:08Mae Martin?

  It's very, I mean, beautiful, a little bit like the movie Get Out, like very white and, and everyone's wearing these like blue and white striped kind of cotton shirts and like very, yeah, but the beach is beautiful and then I went to, I mean, first of all. On Nantucket, there's handsome listeners. This woman came up to me and just this beautiful woman hands me an envelope, walks away. And then I open it, it's, uh, it's interesting facts about Nantucket. It's like, hey, little cowboy, here's some...

• 10:44Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my god.

• 10:45Mae Martin?

  I'm like, whatever we've done, we've done right. Like, I like my life now.

• 10:51Fortune Feimster?

  Whatever we have done.

• 10:53Mae Martin?

  Whatever we've done, we've done right. Cause I like having a life where beautiful women hand me lists of interesting facts and, "Oh, my little cowboy."

• 11:01Fortune Feimster?

  May, you are living your best life right now.

• 11:04Mae Martin?

  I am. And I went to the whaling museum. Um, it was fucking crazy. It's the, uh, the Essex is this ship that sunk like hundreds of years ago and, and Moby Dick was based on it. And it's a harrowing tale. I won't get into it, but this whale...

• 11:23Fortune Feimster?

  Some would say a well of a tale.

• 11:25Mae Martin?

  It's a well of a tale.

• 11:26Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 11:29Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know, you step away from the podcast for a couple of weeks, you forget, you forget how good and bad the comedy can be.

• 11:41Fortune Feimster?

  Swish.

• 11:46Tig Notaro?

  My favorite kind of comedy.

• 11:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:49Tig Notaro?

  A whale of a tale. Go on, May.

• 11:51Mae Martin?

  I mean, they do love a whale pun in Nantucket and whales, they're proud of their whale connection. And, uh...

• 11:58Tig Notaro?

  What about well, well, well?

• 12:01Mae Martin?

  See?

• 12:02Tig Notaro?

  Hmm? I feel like I got a little more silence than I deserved.

• 12:09Tig Notaro?

  Well, well, well.

• 12:13Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want to be over here just blubbering about nothing.

• 12:24Fortune Feimster?

  And are you glad you went to this whale museum?

• 12:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it was, they had a skeleton of an 80 foot whale and I just didn't realize that Moby Dick, that's basically a real thing that happened. This whale took down a giant ship and then the survivors got on these little dinghies in the middle of the ocean, like 60 days from shore and they're like little boats not meant for big whales.

• 12:47Tig Notaro?

  Wait, is that how time is measured? 60 days to shore?

• 12:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what do you mean?

• 12:53Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. I just never thought about like, um, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just taking that in. Well, we're 60 days to shore.

• 13:03Mae Martin?

  They didn't even know where they were. They were like, their compasses were failing and they end up having to eat each other to, and then they-

• 13:10Tig Notaro?

  Hold on a minute.

• 13:11Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 13:12Tig Notaro?

  Who ate the last one? There had to be one last standing.

• 13:15Mae Martin?

  And this is where I, and I don't want to piss off Nantuckins, but the captain was, he survived and they pulled, they pulled sticks, right? And pulled, what do you call it?

• 13:30Fortune Feimster?

  Pulled stick pulling?

• 13:32Mae Martin?

  Stick pulling. They did one of those.

• 13:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, where like the shortest stick.

• 13:36Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 13:37Fortune Feimster?

  Get eaten?

• 13:39Mae Martin?

  Okay, I want to ask you guys this. So you're, so you're on the, you're on your little rescue boat. You're starving. You got no water and then they find this little island and it's just basically a sandbank in the middle of the ocean and, but it has a bit of fresh water and it has some, some birds and bird eggs and things. So they rest there for seven days. There's-

• 14:02Fortune Feimster?

  That seems legit.

• 14:04Mae Martin?

  I think there's 20 crew members at this point. After seven days, the captain says, look, we got to get back in our dinghies and we got to try to hit South America. It might be 60 days. Like, we might not all make it.

• 14:15Tig Notaro?

  60 days to shore.

• 14:16Mae Martin?

  60 days to shore.

• 14:18Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. I think I'm staying on the island.

• 14:20Mae Martin?

  Well, yeah. So three of the guys go, we're good. We're going to stay here. And they are like, well, there's nowhere, you're going to run out of food. And they're like, we're going to stay here on the off chance that you survive and you send help. And those three guys did survive. Uh, because, but then the other guys, they mainly died, except the captain, uh, did this pulling the sticks.

• 14:41Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh.

• 14:41Tig Notaro?

  The stick pulling.

• 14:43Mae Martin?

  The stick pulling, the poor little cabin boy, sixteen years old, he pulled the short stick. You'd think the captain would step in there and say, you know what, I'll, I'll do it.

• 14:52Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, no.

• 14:53Mae Martin?

  No?

• 14:54Fortune Feimster?

  Not in those days. The captains were usually drunk and like, yeah, get out of here.

• 14:59Tig Notaro?

  I'll be honest.

• 15:01Fortune Feimster?

  Get out of here.

• 15:02Tig Notaro?

  I'll be honest, I don't remember what we're talking about.

• 15:14Mae Martin?

  I was gonna ask, A, would you have stayed on the little island or risked the journey? And B, if we were on a lifeboat, like, and we were pulling, would, would any of us volunteer to be eaten?

• 15:28Tig Notaro?

  So wait, um, and in this story.

• 15:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:33Tig Notaro?

  The people stayed on the island, the other people went away, they came back and got the people on the island?

• 15:38Mae Martin?

  Eventually, after like ninety days, like, like a handful of these guys made it close enough that they, they found another ship and they ended up sending help and they rescued the guys from the island. So I guess knowing that is gonna color your decision, but.

• 15:51Tig Notaro?

  It sure will. I'm staying put.

• 15:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I definitely would have stayed put.

• 15:57Tig Notaro?

  And I'm eating fortune.

• 15:59Fortune Feimster?

  The water seems terrible. I would be trying to catch fish with my hands.

• 16:03Mae Martin?

  Just standing really still in the shallows with.

• 16:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, instead of on a dinghy in the ocean.

• 16:09Tig Notaro?

  I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna hang out on the island and immediately start eating fortune.

• 16:14Fortune Feimster?

  Oh no.

• 16:15Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't eat fish.

• 16:17Fortune Feimster?

  Well.

• 16:18Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's true.

• 16:18Fortune Feimster?

  But I'm meat.

• 16:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what do you mean? But I'm meat.

• 16:23Fortune Feimster?

  And I'm full of hamburgers.

• 16:26Mae Martin?

  I don't eat fish, but I will eat fortune.

• 16:29Fortune Feimster?

  I'm full of hamburgers.

• 16:31Tig Notaro?

  I start eating fortune and then, uh, help comes the next day.

• 16:36Mae Martin?

  But that's the fear, right? Like.

• 16:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yo.

• 16:39Mae Martin?

  You, you wait till the last possible minute and you're like, all right, we gotta eat something. And then the next day, I think I might volunteer to let you guys eat my ass.

• 16:48Fortune Feimster?

  Eat your ass.

• 16:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I guess I could just start eating Fortune's ass. I wouldn't have to eat.

• 16:58Mae Martin?

  So wild. Well, actually, that's true. Couldn't you eat part of someone while they were still living and not kill? And they wouldn't have to die?

• 17:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, just slice off a bun.

• 17:09Mae Martin?

  Slice off a bun.

• 17:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 17:11Mae Martin?

  Anyway, I kind of, I regret bringing up the whole story, kind of, but I guess I was really.

• 17:16Tig Notaro?

  Well, it's like the movie Alive. Did you see that?

• 17:19Mae Martin?

  No. The airplane crash?

• 17:21Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 17:22Mae Martin?

  Oh, yes, yeah.

• 17:22Tig Notaro?

  I was obsessed with that for a long time. And, you know, they would eat their friends. Um, but it was all frozen meat, so they didn't have to like chew it or taste it and they just swallow it.

• 17:33Mae Martin?

  Oh, God. Oh, my God.

• 17:36Tig Notaro?

  Whereas Fortune's ass would be heating in the, in the sun.

• 17:40Mae Martin?

  The hot sun.

• 17:41Tig Notaro?

  Right. Yeah. Island ass.

• 17:43Mae Martin?

  I, I was just very taken with like the, I don't know, the idea of just being at sea in this 80 foot whale and what a grim time to be alive. But it was a fun trip. I went to the beach and that's my story. Wow, what a story. Thanks.

• 18:02Tig Notaro?

  That was, uh, that had to do with Nantucket, huh?

• 18:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:07Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 18:08Mae Martin?

  And you liked the lobster roll? Oh, man, I really loved the lobster roll. Yeah.

• 18:13Tig Notaro?

  And who were you out there with? Were there other comedians?

• 18:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I did a comedy panel with Ben Stiller, who I've never met, and, um, Amber Ruffin and a bunch of people. Yeah, it was wicked.

• 18:26Tig Notaro?

  It was fun?

• 18:26Mae Martin?

  It was really fun. And Donald Glover was there and he asked a question and, man, that's one of the coolest people alive.

• 18:32Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, he's a real talent. I mean, it's like, his music is ridiculous. Ridiculous. It's like, okay, you're a comedian, you're an actor, writer, and then boom.

• 18:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:47Tig Notaro?

  Boom, boom.

• 18:48Mae Martin?

  Boom.

• 18:49Tig Notaro?

  Boom. Yeah, we went there to, uh, Nantucket on a family vacation when Max and Finn were, I think they were two.

• 18:58Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, just paddling in the water?

• 19:01Tig Notaro?

  Uh, just running around, yeah. Paddling in the water, running around. Uh, we went on bike rides, all sorts of Nantucket fun. Uh, we had rented a house on the water and. And I have many pictures of Mr. Thomas sitting and reading to Max and Finn.

• 19:18Fortune Feimster?

  Aww.

• 19:19Tig Notaro?

  Those little tiny cubs.

• 19:20Mae Martin?

  Reading the story of the cannibalistic sailors.

• 19:25Tig Notaro?

  Yes, that's right.

• 19:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I would go, I would go back for sure. Or maybe when we finally do a handsome vacation, all four of us.

• 19:32Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:33Mae Martin?

  Maybe it's Nantucket.

• 19:34Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah. Put that on the list, Thomas.

• 19:36Fortune Feimster?

  Put that on the list. Nantucket vacation.

• 19:38Tig Notaro?

  I feel like Thomas isn't putting things on the list anymore. What do you guys think?

• 19:42Fortune Feimster?

  It's been a while.

• 19:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, he kind of looks at us like, yeah, okay.

• 19:45Fortune Feimster?

  We get this stuff once every like five months.

• 19:48Tig Notaro?

  What did we get? I don't remember ever getting. Okay, that's one thing.

• 19:53Mae Martin?

  Is that the only thing?

• 19:54Fortune Feimster?

  Santa Claus.

• 19:56Mae Martin?

  Oh, we sat on Santa's knee?

• 19:57Fortune Feimster?

  Santa's lap, and that might be it.

• 20:00Mae Martin?

  That might be it, and there must be over 6,000 things on the list.

• 20:05Fortune Feimster?

  My mom and I drove up to that, I think we went to Nantucket, a few places. We also went to P-Town together, and she kept calling it a gay enclave.

• 20:15Mae Martin?

  A gay enclave?

• 20:17Fortune Feimster?

  This was back in, I had just come out like maybe six months prior, so I had not seen, this sounds so naive in these times.

• 20:25Tig Notaro?

  You came out and then you were like six months later dragging your mom to a gay enclave?

• 20:29Fortune Feimster?

  No, I didn't drag her there. I didn't even know about P-Town.

• 20:32Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay.

• 20:32Fortune Feimster?

  She told me, and we, my friend got married in Boston from growing up, and we rented a car and decided we would, this was like 2006 maybe, and that we would drive around all that area because it's so beautiful. And she was like, we have to go to P-Town. It is a gay enclave.

• 20:57Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like, what is a gay enclave? And she's like, there's just a lot of gays there. And so we, we pull up and we walk down the street and there's all these, these gays holding hands, which for both of us, we had not seen that much.

• 21:13Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 21:14Fortune Feimster?

  And so we both were like, oh, we just were like, look at the gays.

• 21:19Tig Notaro?

  What's Jesus gonna think?

• 21:21Fortune Feimster?

  And, but we were just so like, but we were like enamored with it. We were like, oh my God, this is so cool. And then my mom was like, I gotta go get some fudge and.

• 21:33Fortune Feimster?

  I was like, okay, so I stood out.

• 21:35Tig Notaro?

  Fudge can't wait.

• 21:37Fortune Feimster?

  It was a tiny candy shop. So I stood outside and my mom comes outside. She goes, "There was a woman making eyes with me." And I was, I said, "I think she was checking out your fudge."

• 21:50Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 21:52Tig Notaro?

  That is hilarious.

• 21:54Fortune Feimster?

  So that was my first trip to P-Town, to the gay enclave.

• 21:59Tig Notaro?

  I have, I have a couple of shows there coming up. I've never been. And since the day I've been with Stephanie, that's been her dream vacation is to go to P-Town. So we're cramming it in to our summer travels. And I'm gonna spend a few days there.

• 22:16Fortune Feimster?

  You'll love it.

• 22:16Tig Notaro?

  That's how I felt in, when I first moved to Los Angeles and went to West Hollywood. Even though I had been out already for years, I had never been in a city that had like, West Hollywood or Boys Town vibe or any of that.

• 22:33Mae Martin?

  Rainbow flags everywhere.

• 22:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I was, I was truly like, what on earth is this gay circus?

• 22:41Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 22:41Mae Martin?

  I know. I feel like there's been moments in my life where I must seem homophobic or transphobic because I'm just gawking in support. I'm gawking in support. Like when I was, when you're young and you just come out and you, you're, you see a gay couple or something and you're just like, oh, wow. And you're, you're staring and then.

• 22:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 23:00Mae Martin?

  You're like.

• 23:00Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. It was, I remember going down to the Pride Parade when I first was like thinking about coming out. And it was so intimidating. And it's, it's crazy now because I've been to a bazillion Prides. It's like, you don't even think twice about it. But like, I, I think of myself in that mindset then of like, just seeing all these gay people hold hands and like, I just couldn't believe it. It was like, oh, I can't believe this exists in the world and, and it's okay and it's celebrated. And I mean, thank God, but you know, when you hadn't seen it your whole life, it just, like May said, you're kind of gawking in this like. What is this kind of way?

• 23:44Mae Martin?

  Can I tell you my first Pride when I was like sixteen and I was seventeen? I was living with my girlfriend at the time briefly and and she was a teenager as well. We were both like sketchy teens and she always went to Pride and she was more like experienced in that world. And so it was so hot in Toronto and she was like, you gotta get painted like colorful colors, but we only had acrylic paint. And so she covered her entire naked body in like rainbow, but it was acrylic paint. So it was like

• 24:18Fortune Feimster?

  Like

• 24:18Mae Martin?

  flaking and burning. Like it was, it was like cracking. Anyway, we're so excited. She wears this like tiny like bikini and I'm probably wearing some denim booty shorts or something. And then we go to the big main intersection and within five minutes she breaks her ankle.

• 24:36Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 24:37Mae Martin?

  She goes, well, just climb this fence so we can get a good view. And then turns her ankle and then we had to go to hospital.

• 24:44Tig Notaro?

  Actual break in the bone?

• 24:46Mae Martin?

  I think it was a fracture in the end, but it was like, yeah, yeah.

• 24:51Fortune Feimster?

  She probably couldn't move with all that paint. Her body was stiff.

• 24:55Mae Martin?

  I just remember like the sweat and the all the and her sitting in emergency, basically naked, covered in paint.

• 25:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God. They probably get some wild things happen that weekend at the emergency room.

• 25:09Tig Notaro?

  I actually just remembered I used to work at the lesbian coffee shop in Los Angeles when I first moved to town. It's called, it was called Little Frida's and we were right there on, what is it? Santa Monica Boulevard in WeHo and that was another thing. I had never been to gay Pride before. And I was like, you know, in my late twenties and mind blown, just standing there. The doors of the coffee shop open and the different people and outfits and what they're wearing. Just every, I was like, whoa, whoa. Well, I mean, it was already crazy to me that there was a lesbian coffee shop.

• 25:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:55Tig Notaro?

  I mean, that, I mean, even though the owner claimed like, well, it's for everyone. It's like, sure, but look around.

• 26:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 26:03Tig Notaro?

  There's a main vibe here.

• 26:06Mae Martin?

  Was the owner called Frida?

• 26:07Tig Notaro?

  It was for Frida Kahlo.

• 26:09Mae Martin?

  Oh, okay. Yeah, no, this is a lesbian coffee shop.

• 26:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:12Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't even know about this coffee shop. I was late to the lesbian game.

• 26:17Tig Notaro?

  You're just hearing about little Fridas?

• 26:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I never, I mean, I knew you had, you'd mentioned working there before, but I had never heard of it. Just outside of you.

• 26:26Mae Martin?

  Like blows my mind just imagining Tig working in a coffee shop. Like just, it's so out of context for me. Like just the idea of going in to buy coffee and it's, I'm picturing you now, just being like, hello.

• 26:40Fortune Feimster?

  Were you good at it?

• 26:42Tig Notaro?

  I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't good at it.

• 26:47Fortune Feimster?

  What did you do when people complained about their coffee?

• 26:51Tig Notaro?

  I mean, basically what I was bad at was, and maybe I've shared this on the show, was math and money and counting back money. Did I share that story about when?

• 27:04Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think so.

• 27:05Tig Notaro?

  I was fumbling with the cash register and this woman in line said, while there was a whole line of people waiting for me,

• 27:14Tig Notaro?

  she said, you know, it's not too late to go to college.

• 27:17Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 27:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but I have to say, it was a massive shift in my life in that moment. Cause I, once she walked away, I turned to my boss who was also a good friend and I was like, oh my gosh, I just want to go out to her table and just be like, hey, thanks to you. I just quit my job and I applied to college and I'm leaving right now for, you know, whatever. And my boss said, you know what? I'm on your side. She should never have said what she said to you. If you want to walk out to her table and say directly, not sarcastically, but directly say, what you said to me was so unacceptable and I really didn't appreciate it.

• 28:04Tig Notaro?

  My boss said, I can get behind that, but if you go out there and fight fire with fire, I can't get behind that. And I was like, whoa, okay. And it changed my life. And obviously we know I am a sarcastic person, but it shifted me where in real moments, to actually speak directly, like, hey.

• 28:30Tig Notaro?

  This needs to happen, or I feel this way.

• 28:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, this hurt me.

• 28:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. And to like, really just directly deal with something and then save the sarcasm, you know, for another time. But it was amazing to have my boss say, I don't want that kind of person in my establishment. And, and she should never have spoken to you like that. So I'm, but I didn't go out and talk to the woman, but it, it did make me realize that there's a time and place for talking a certain way and acting a certain way. And then when you want to be direct and handle something serious or important, then step up to that moment.

• 29:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I thought you were gonna say it made you realize, like that then you quit your job and.

• 29:14Tig Notaro?

  Went to college.

• 29:15Mae Martin?

  We're like, you know, a good point. Yeah.

• 29:17Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 29:18Mae Martin?

  What a wise boss.

• 29:19Fortune Feimster?

  I quit my job and became a stand-up, so I'd never have to do math again.

• 29:23Tig Notaro?

  Well, the reason I had that job was because there was an all-female lineup of stand-up in Little Fridas. And that's the first place I ever got on stage. And so I took a job there so that I could ensure that I could get on stage to do stand-up. Because when people would drop out of the show, or they were running late, or the host canceled, I could just hop out from behind the, the coffee bar.

• 29:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 29:51Tig Notaro?

  And, and, and do comedy. And so that's why I took that job.

• 29:55Mae Martin?

  I love that.

• 29:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:58Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, I don't want to make your coffee. I just want to tell some funny jokes.

• 30:02Tig Notaro?

  I just want to tell jokes. Yeah. Uh, no, didn't go to college, still running around with a seventh grade education.

• 30:09Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 30:10Tig Notaro?

  And killing it.

• 30:11Mae Martin?

  Did you get your GED? I can't remember. I know we've talked about this.

• 30:14Tig Notaro?

  I did, and my cat ate it.

• 30:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah, me too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:24Mae Martin?

  Well, should we find out who our question askers?

• 30:26Tig Notaro?

  I think that's a great idea.

• 30:28Fortune Feimster?

  Well, today's guests are a comedy duo best known for the YouTube series Good Mythical Morning, which I've been on, super fun show. They've hosted it since 2012. They have over 32 million subscribers. And now they host a podcast called Ear Biscuits. They're fellow North Carolinians, so you know I like that. Rhett and Link are asking today's question.

• 30:57Speaker 04

  Nice. Hello, handsome pod. It's Rhett and Link from Good Mythical Morning.

• 31:01Speaker 05

  We got a question for you. If you could have a morning routine machine, like a Rube Goldberg machine that gets you through your morning routine.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  Like the guy in the Casper movie? Or the Grinch in the Grinch movie?

• 31:14Speaker 05

  You haven't seen the Casper movie. Why are you bringing that up?

• 31:17Speaker 04

  Well, because I'm told that that's a good example.

• 31:21Speaker 05

  It's a great example. What would yours do? What would your machine do, step by step? We miss you, Fortune.

• 31:28Fortune Feimster?

  Aww, I miss you guys. They're so great.

• 31:32Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's a great question.

• 31:34Fortune Feimster?

  I got to go on their show and eat really good food where you tried, you tell them your favorite food and they have three different versions of it, like the high-end version, the mid-level version, and the low-level version, the cheap version. And you have to try to pick what is the high, like the fancy version. It was just really fun. Did you get it right? I think I got two out of three right. I can't remember.

• 32:00Mae Martin?

  And were you blindfolded, too?

• 32:02Fortune Feimster?

  No, it's all in front of you. Like, you'd be surprised. Some of the stuff that you, you're like, it's got, this has got to be the high-end one. And it's like, no, that's the grocery store version. Yeah, they're, they're really funny and have, like, it's crazy, those, the YouTube folks that have just killed it, they have this whole office and production and it's like a machine over there.

• 32:27Tig Notaro?

  So do we.

• 32:28Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, look at us. We've got-

• 32:30Mae Martin?

  Look how professional this is.

• 32:32Fortune Feimster?

  This and this fake plant over here. Yeah, you're in a closet.

• 32:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, man.

• 32:40Fortune Feimster?

  They're talking like, is it kind of like the Jetsons? Is that another?

• 32:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:43Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 32:44Mae Martin?

  Pee Wee's Big Adventure, like, you know, yeah, a machine that wakes you up and does moves you through a routine, makes it all easy.

• 32:53Fortune Feimster?

  So they're asking, like, what would that entail if we had that ability?

• 32:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:58Tig Notaro?

  I guess so.

• 32:59Mae Martin?

  I'm not good in mornings. I don't like mornings and the the time that's really touch and go, that's really dark for me is the time between getting up and have and having a first sip of coffee. It's like making it to the coffee machine. And so the that was where my head went first was like, maybe some kind of intravenous coffee.

• 33:20Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, flame there and it goes into your system?

• 33:23Mae Martin?

  Or like a straw that comes to the bed.

• 33:26Fortune Feimster?

  Because you're you're just so out of it during wake up and caught like, what is it that's happening with you?

• 33:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I know. I'm trying to picture you getting to the coffee machine. Like, are you stumbling? Yeah.

• 33:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm like.

• 33:38Tig Notaro?

  Are your pants to your your your boxers to your ankles?

• 33:42Fortune Feimster?

  Your ponties?

• 33:44Mae Martin?

  Why would my boxers be to my ankle?

• 33:46Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. You just sound like you're really struggling to get from your bed.

• 33:50Fortune Feimster?

  Like, you can't function until you get to this coffee.

• 33:54Tig Notaro?

  That's why I can't I can't figure it out. I can't picture what the hell's going on.

• 33:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah, probably some doctor would tell me. It's just probably I'm not sleeping enough. But I wake up and I'm like, ugh, and I'm like, exhausted. And I just, oh, man, like, yeah, just, I mean, it's not that. It's just that I shuffle over and but it's like.

• 34:16Fortune Feimster?

  Your ponties around your ankles.

• 34:17Tig Notaro?

  So you're one of those people that's like, do not even talk to me until I've had my IV coffee.

• 34:24Fortune Feimster?

  That's what my husband had a mug. Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee.

• 34:29Mae Martin?

  I kind of am. And I'm staying with my parents right now in Toronto. And you know, they've already been up for two hours. They are wide awake. They're ready to chat. They want to know how I'm feeling about.

• 34:41Tig Notaro?

  What time do they wake up?

• 34:43Mae Martin?

  Maybe seven.

• 34:44Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh. And then when do you roll out with your ponties to your ankles?

• 34:48Mae Martin?

  I am not leaving out, shuffling to the kitchen.

• 34:54Tig Notaro?

  I picture you with big, thick glasses on, like you can't, you can't, your hair is every which way. You're scratching your chest, you're, you know.

• 35:05Mae Martin?

  It depends, um, what's going on. Like if I have something to get up, like today I woke up at nine because I've, I traveled last night. I got in late and, um, so yeah, I have, but I have to.

• 35:16Tig Notaro?

  But is nine early or late for you?

• 35:18Mae Martin?

  You, usually I'm up at eight or nine. That's like normal for me. But it feels like I could happily sleep till one because I, I don't go to sleep.

• 35:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 35:28Mae Martin?

  Early enough. What time are you going to bed? I mean, as I'm saying it, I'm like, it's not that, because I'm just doing the math, because usually it's around one or two. We're not good at math around here.

• 35:37Tig Notaro?

  You know, I can't do math.

• 35:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, true. It's not too late for us to go to college.

• 35:44Mae Martin?

  So yeah, one or two. So I guess I'm sleeping like six. One or two is late. Yeah, like my circadian rhythm is probably all off. I don't know. So yeah, coffee and, and maybe, and maybe a fact of the day would be nice every morning. But what about you guys? What's?

• 35:59Tig Notaro?

  That's it for your machine?

• 36:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, your machine can do anything.

• 36:03Tig Notaro?

  Here's your coffee. Also dolphins were, uh, known to swim in the blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Good morning, May.

• 36:15Mae Martin?

  Pretty much that's it. Cause I don't want, I've been reading about how the more we use chat GPT, our like cognitive functioning is going to decline. We're going to get our, our, so I want to have to do things.

• 36:25Tig Notaro?

  That's already happened. I mean, humans are.

• 36:29Mae Martin?

  We're dumb dums.

• 36:30Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we are useless.

• 36:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's why I'm trying to memorize all the capital cities of the world, just to keep the old noggin firing. Yeah. But yeah, so I don't want to like make it too easy for myself. But if it could either roll me over to the coffee machine and make the coffee or intravenous. Okay.

• 36:50Tig Notaro?

  Here's what I think. I think you could get to a point eventually where you could do that on your own, May.

• 36:59Tig Notaro?

  If you really put your mind to it.

• 37:01Fortune Feimster?

  We gotta figure out how to keep your ponies on, though.

• 37:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 37:04Mae Martin?

  Okay. I am not.

• 37:08Tig Notaro?

  Well, they're on, they're on, Fortune. They're just at May's ankles.

• 37:12Mae Martin?

  Like, how would that even happen?

• 37:15Fortune Feimster?

  You stand up and they just fall.

• 37:18Mae Martin?

  Oh, they fall off. Okay, so they're, I'm picturing they're moth eaten. They're old. They're.

• 37:23Tig Notaro?

  Like my underwear.

• 37:24Fortune Feimster?

  They're moth eaten. Beige.

• 37:28Mae Martin?

  Oh, the idea of, because I have a roommate now in my back house. My friend Matt is living with his girlfriend.

• 37:35Mae Martin?

  Briefly while they get settled in LA and just the idea of me full vagina out. Walking in the morning out.

• 37:43Tig Notaro?

  Or even half.

• 37:44Mae Martin?

  Morning.

• 37:47Fortune Feimster?

  Some people would love to see that.

• 37:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 37:49Mae Martin?

  I mean, I feel uncomfortable even saying the word. I can't, yeah.

• 37:54Tig Notaro?

  What word?

• 37:55Mae Martin?

  Vagina. It's not a great word. It's a, yeah, coffee.

• 38:00Tig Notaro?

  And wait.

• 38:02Fortune Feimster?

  We could have another word for it.

• 38:04Mae Martin?

  Like what?

• 38:05Tig Notaro?

  Cooter.

• 38:06Fortune Feimster?

  Cooter. It's my favorite word for it.

• 38:11Mae Martin?

  Okay, well, let's move on from.

• 38:14Tig Notaro?

  From May's cooter. Okay. If we must.

• 38:18Fortune Feimster?

  Or McCoo- McCoochie.

• 38:20Tig Notaro?

  McCoochie. She's supposed to be sending in a question. Has she, Thomas?

• 38:25Fortune Feimster?

  We gotta get McCoochie's question. We haven't got one yet.

• 38:29Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 38:30Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 38:30Tig Notaro?

  She keeps teasing me with this. So, yeah, what, what about you?

• 38:36Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I have been waking up really early lately. I don't know why. I'm like wide awake at like 6:30, which is not, not me.

• 38:45Tig Notaro?

  Give me a ring a ding.

• 38:47Fortune Feimster?

  But today, guess what? I got up and went treading.

• 38:51Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 38:51Fortune Feimster?

  That's why my hair, hair's a little wet.

• 38:53Tig Notaro?

  Isn't that so fun in the very early morning?

• 38:56Fortune Feimster?

  It's the best way to wake up. It's like. The pool's like a little warm and the birds are chirping. I make coffee so that I could drink my coffee before I tread. So I'm just in the pool, just, you know, I've turned on some music. It's nice.

• 39:12Tig Notaro?

  That's amazing.

• 39:13Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 39:14Mae Martin?

  Do you make coffee the night before or you make, you got a machine?

• 39:17Fortune Feimster?

  No, because I don't like brewed coffee. I just like espresso. So I have a little espresso machine that I do like little, I'm like a little barista like Tig was.

• 39:26Mae Martin?

  You do the full thing?

• 39:27Fortune Feimster?

  I do the, get the beans, they, the grinder being, you know, grinds them up, a packet with the thing and yeah.

• 39:34Mae Martin?

  This is what I need to be doing.

• 39:35Tig Notaro?

  I don't think this would appeal to you for your treading, but my friend Kit, this, this guy that lives near me, he has a pool that does not have a heater. And he invited me over to tread one morning at seven AM without heat.

• 39:55Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 39:56Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a cold plunge.

• 39:58Tig Notaro?

  It was like an hour long cold plunge, but I have to say, oh yeah. Oh, oh, absolutely. Only once in my treading career have I gotten out at 30 minutes. And it was because we were at a public pool where they were like, everybody out. We gotta switch to, you know, granny swim or whatever. But, um, but yeah, it was so exhilarating to tread in cold water. And I, I suggest doing it with somebody else in the pool so you can complain and laugh with each other.

• 40:26Fortune Feimster?

  And shake.

• 40:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And be like, oh my God, this is hot. But my whole day was so electrifying. I was in the best mood.

• 40:34Mae Martin?

  And dude, I guess you, you're moving, so you kind of warm up a bit as, or you, yeah.

• 40:40Tig Notaro?

  Barely.

• 40:40Mae Martin?

  But an hour, that's like the cold has deeply penetrated you by an hour.

• 40:44Tig Notaro?

  So you are. Yes.

• 40:46Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 40:47Fortune Feimster?

  I have been penetrated by the cold.

• 40:52Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think I could do an hour in the cold. I could maybe last thirty, but I don't know if I could do an hour.

• 40:57Tig Notaro?

  You could do it. It's fun. It's not like it's thirty. It's not like forty degree water, you know?

• 41:02Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 41:02Tig Notaro?

  It's like seventy or something.

• 41:04Fortune Feimster?

  Mmm.

• 41:04Tig Notaro?

  But it's still, it's cold. Sixty-five, something like that. But that's cold.

• 41:10Mae Martin?

  But so far, I'm not, like, what would, you don't want the machine to take over any of these things?

• 41:15Fortune Feimster?

  I gotta figure out what I want the machine to do.

• 41:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 41:18Tig Notaro?

  Push it in the pool. Push it in the pool.

• 41:20Mae Martin?

  Push it in the pool. That's great.

• 41:22Fortune Feimster?

  I was gonna say, I want the machine to wake me up with sweet kisses, but that's weird. It's a machine.

• 41:27Mae Martin?

  That's not weird.

• 41:28Tig Notaro?

  It's the way of the future.

• 41:29Fortune Feimster?

  You know, a few little good morning kisses.

• 41:32Mae Martin?

  Good morning.

• 41:33Fortune Feimster?

  That's a nice way to wake up.

• 41:35Tig Notaro?

  I always thought that a hotel should offer that service that you sign up for, where they're like, do you want someone to come in and spoon you and be like,

• 41:43Mae Martin?

  I think that's a brothel.

• 41:43Tig Notaro?

  "Time to get up."

• 41:45Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you can pay for that.

• 41:47Tig Notaro?

  You have a Zoom at nine o'clock.

• 41:50Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I would like the-

• 41:51Mae Martin?

  I think you can pay for that.

• 41:53Fortune Feimster?

  I would like the sweet sounds of a, a voice, "Fortune, it's time to wake up."

• 41:59Tig Notaro?

  Why don't you call me and I'll do that for you?

• 42:02Fortune Feimster?

  Alright, please. Spoon, spoon me. Uh, that's a nice, that's a preferable way to wake up. And then, I always wake up fairly happy anyway. I'm, I'm very glad for that, so I don't have my ponies around my ankles shuffling to the espresso machine.

• 42:19Tig Notaro?

  With your cooter out.

• 42:21Fortune Feimster?

  My cooter's hidden and I'm usually like robustly walking to the espresso machine. Um, I would, it would be nice if whatever this thing is, makes my espresso for me. I don't want to make it. Um, and then pushes me in the pool. Turns, turns the music on, pushes me in the pool.

• 42:39Mae Martin?

  And does it sort of pour the espresso into your mouth too? And then-

• 42:42Fortune Feimster?

  No, we can just put it in a cup and I'll do the rest.

• 42:45Tig Notaro?

  So it's exhausting to you to press that button, huh? To-

• 42:48Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, just the grinding of the beans and the packing it. You know, if I don't have to, I mean, I'll do it, but if I don't, if this machine's like, I got you boo.

• 42:55Tig Notaro?

  You're too much of a star to have to be able to push a button to get that espresso out of there.

• 43:00Fortune Feimster?

  This machine will say, "I got you boo."

• 43:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:06Tig Notaro?

  It's the I got you boo machine.

• 43:08Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh.

• 43:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 43:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I got you boo. And I'm like, oh.

• 43:12Mae Martin?

  When it pushes you in the pool, do you want that to be at like a different moment each morning? So you're not quite expecting it or like?

• 43:19Fortune Feimster?

  Sure.

• 43:19Mae Martin?

  Or do you want to go stand?

• 43:21Fortune Feimster?

  Keep me on my toes. It can pick me up and throw me in too.

• 43:25Mae Martin?

  Pick you up like a baby and just toss you in?

• 43:28Fortune Feimster?

  But also hold me for a minute and then toss me in.

• 43:31Mae Martin?

  And whisper in your ear, I got you boo.

• 43:33Fortune Feimster?

  I got you boo. And it also is the one in charge of heating the pool and stuff. I'm not having to worry about that.

• 43:38Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you can't, you can't worry yourself about that stuff, little tiny baby fortune.

• 43:43Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you Tig.

• 43:45Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 43:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So yeah, that's what my I got you boo machine would do.

• 43:51Mae Martin?

  Okay, I like that a lot.

• 43:54Tig Notaro?

  I got you boo machine.

• 43:58Tig Notaro?

  That is a good name.

• 44:00Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 44:01Mae Martin?

  All these things are going to exist. A hundred percent. Tig, how about you? Is it gonna have a Scottish accent like Marnon Fruit?

• 44:09Tig Notaro?

  Marnon Fruit.

• 44:14Tig Notaro?

  Um, you know, I struggle in the morning with, I try to meditate right when I wake up. And it's, and it's, well, it's just, the idea with transcendental meditation is that you do it ideally twice a day.

• 44:32Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, wow.

• 44:33Tig Notaro?

  And so, but, you know, 20 minutes each time. And so if you think about when you wake up first thing in the morning, a lot of people, you're not totally productive at that time. So why not just immediately when your eyes open, go into your meditation? You close them again and go into your meditation.

• 44:53Mae Martin?

  I'd fall asleep, I'd fall right back to sleep.

• 44:55Tig Notaro?

  Well, here's the thing. This is where. Here's my true honest to God struggle. Oftentimes, I will meditate in bed and lying down. And I should be sitting up and I only do that sometimes. So yeah, I would love for my I got you boo to sit me up for my meditation when I'm on the mornings that I've just had the roughest night. Uh, cause that's, that's when it's the hardest for me when I wake up.

• 45:25Fortune Feimster?

  You're in your night gown.

• 45:26Tig Notaro?

  I'm in my night gown and um, so I got you boo would sit me up. And then as soon as I'm seated in bed, meditating then. Is it crossing your legs for you too? Like it's sort of positioning you. I can do that. I can do that. And then I got you boo, that I can do. I got you boo um, is also going to stand there. Is wait, is I got you boo a robot?

• 45:55Fortune Feimster?

  I think so. It's whatever you want it to be.

• 45:57Tig Notaro?

  Okay, I got you boo is standing there. And then once I finish meditating, I got you boo is gonna remind me to do my, I do these like five minutes of stretching.

• 46:09Fortune Feimster?

  Keegels.

• 46:14Tig Notaro?

  You know me. How dare you, Fortune Marie. How dare you? Look at how tickled Fortune is by that.

• 46:26Fortune Feimster?

  The robot's keeping time for you.

• 46:30Tig Notaro?

  One, two, three, four, take a break.

• 46:38Fortune Feimster?

  Release.

• 46:40Tig Notaro?

  And release.

• 46:43Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my God, the thought of that is yeah, that tickles me. Thank you.

• 46:50Tig Notaro?

  Meanwhile, May is just getting an IV in the arm full of coffee. Mine is feeling increasingly bleak.

• 46:57Fortune Feimster?

  It's doing keegels.

• 47:01Mae Martin?

  And you're getting cradled like a baby and kissed.

• 47:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we all have different needs.

• 47:07Tig Notaro?

  I just have my robot making sure I stay on track because like with my sleeping issues, I have to immediately get sunshine when I wake up.

• 47:15Fortune Feimster?

  So after. Yeah, what does that do?

• 47:18Tig Notaro?

  It regulates your circadian rhythm. And so basically, as soon as you open your eyes, you need to be in natural sunlight and that's going to tell your brain, this is your wake up time for the day. And so that gets you on a more regulated schedule. So I would want I got you boo robot to be like, after I meditate, do your five minute stretches and then I do that and I do my kegels and whatever. And then I, and then I, um, and then the robot also will be like, don't forget your sunshine. And then I go out on the back patio.

• 47:57Mae Martin?

  I thought you were gonna say, don't forget your sons.

• 48:01Tig Notaro?

  Forget your sons.

• 48:02Mae Martin?

  You have sons.

• 48:04Tig Notaro?

  And then the last thing I would want is I love making my smoothie. I love the process. However, I would like I got you boo to bring, because there's a lot of ingredients of my.

• 48:17Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:17Tig Notaro?

  There's a lot. And so I would like for I got you boo to get all of the canisters out of the pantry and maybe even measure it for me and then put it back while.

• 48:28Fortune Feimster?

  And clean it up. Yeah.

• 48:30Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 48:31Mae Martin?

  So it's measuring it and then you just have to tip it in.

• 48:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, I can do the tipping. You know how Fortune can't push a button? I'm totally fine with doing that.

• 48:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then Fortune, do you ever feel like if we, like if, if, if we went away with Tig for like a week to a cabin in the woods, like you would sort us out? Like, I just feel like.

• 48:51Fortune Feimster?

  Come back so much healthier.

• 48:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, I'd be meditating, I'd be, we'd be sleeping. You might not be, but we'd be.

• 48:58Tig Notaro?

  Guys, it's funny you should say this. I am, um, planning a retreat. A retreat weekend for me and Stephanie for our anniversary.

• 49:10Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we invited?

• 49:12Tig Notaro?

  But at home. It's just gonna be me and Stephanie.

• 49:15Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we're not invited.

• 49:16Tig Notaro?

  No, you are not invited, but for like a totally unplugged, meditative, um, listen to vinyl, talk, journal, cook healthy food. That's gonna be our fun retreat. I know some people are like, that sounds like hell.

• 49:34Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, so it's like a whole weekend of this?

• 49:36Tig Notaro?

  We're gonna spend a whole weekend together, just completely unplugged and doing what a retreat would do. But we're just gonna do it privately.

• 49:46Fortune Feimster?

  Will the boys be there?

• 49:47Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 49:48Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 49:48Mae Martin?

  That's so nice.

• 49:49Tig Notaro?

  And what I was gonna say is, I would be more than happy to do it with my handsome co-host.

• 49:55Mae Martin?

  Well, okay, I've booked an Airbnb in Lake Arrowhead for three weeks in August. And I, I'm gonna mainly be up there by myself and I don't drive, so I'm really gonna be stuck there. And that my goal is to come out of it completely mentally and emotionally and physically healthy. So,

• 50:12Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 50:13Mae Martin?

  I mean, Fortune, we're both, I was gonna say we're both single, but it sounds, that sounded, that came out wrong, but like,

• 50:20Fortune Feimster?

  We're both single. Come on up here.

• 50:24Tig Notaro?

  I could be the third wheel.

• 50:27Mae Martin?

  But like, come, come up for a couple of days and like, we'll put our phones in. I bought one of those boxes you lock your phone in and then you put a timer on it for like four hours or whatever, like.

• 50:37Tig Notaro?

  Look, whether, whether it's at your place there or whether it's, um,

• 50:42Mae Martin?

  Your house in LA.

• 50:44Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, at my office in LA.

• 50:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 50:47Tig Notaro?

  I am so excited by this. I can't even tell you, to, to do this with Stephanie. And then if that interested anybody on this Zoom, boy, would I love to do that.

• 50:58Fortune Feimster?

  Will you have like a schedule, like, or you're just gonna, okay, so like at this time, we're doing this.

• 51:04Tig Notaro?

  It's going, it would sound like absolute hell to you.

• 51:08Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 51:08Tig Notaro?

  But it is truly like, but, but it's fun. It's, I, it's fun. Okay. Imagine the three of us are together. And we get up to watch the sunrise.

• 51:18Fortune Feimster?

  Mmm.

• 51:20Tig Notaro?

  How awesome would that be?

• 51:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that'd be nice.

• 51:23Tig Notaro?

  And then meditate.

• 51:24Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 51:24Tig Notaro?

  And then have like a really healthy smoothie, listen to records, you know, I have an awesome vinyl collection, listen to some records, journal, talk.

• 51:37Mae Martin?

  Do a tarot reading.

• 51:38Tig Notaro?

  We could do all sorts of things.

• 51:40Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. But for you and Stephanie, are y'all both saying, I want to do this, I want to do this?

• 51:45Tig Notaro?

  I put together a schedule of what I think would be great, and I'm gonna run it by her. I just told her about this the other day. And then if she wants to make tweaks, of course, we can make tweaks. But before we go there for the weekend, we're gonna go grocery shopping and we're gonna plan our menu and like cook and prepare the food together. And it just, I don't know, I think it'll be really, and there's absolutely no, no phone use. We have a landline where Max and Finn can get in touch with us. And anyway, that's the plan. And if you guys have any interest, I am so down.

• 52:21Fortune Feimster?

  Will there be some sexy time in this?

• 52:23Tig Notaro?

  With the three of us?

• 52:30Fortune Feimster?

  Well, obviously that.

• 52:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that goes without saying. That goes without saying.

• 52:35Fortune Feimster?

  May and I are single, so. May and I are single, so what? May said we're single.

• 52:45Mae Martin?

  Put on your schedule with Stephanie, though, as part of the schedule sexy time.

• 52:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, well, let's say, insert sexy time.

• 52:52Mae Martin?

  Intimacy.

• 52:54Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, intimacy is the appropriate word.

• 52:57Mae Martin?

  That's the biggest boner killer ever.

• 53:00Fortune Feimster?

  We will spoon.

• 53:02Tig Notaro?

  Also, guys, time to read as well. And then what? Here's the only screen. This is what I also added into the schedule is a movie at night. Cause there's so many movies that Stephanie wants me to see.

• 53:16Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I like this. Yeah.

• 53:17Tig Notaro?

  And so like movie time before bed.

• 53:20Mae Martin?

  Tig, you're really speaking to like where I'm at right now. Like this is my constant fantasy and this is of just unplugging and like, so this is why I booked the place in Airbnb. So yeah, you're speaking my language. This is, I really want to.

• 53:33Tig Notaro?

  Again, this is the last time I'm going to say it. If it does interest anybody on this Zoom, let me know and I will gladly lock it down for a couple of days and meditate and watch the sun come up and tread water and cook healthy food and.

• 53:48Mae Martin?

  Dude, you and Stephanie should just come up to the Airbnb and just do 48 hours and we'll go in the lake. We'll go and I'll do whatever you say. I swear. I won't look at my phone. I won't, I won't even talk about cannibalism.

• 54:04Tig Notaro?

  Well, then what's the point?

• 54:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:06Tig Notaro?

  Well, shall we hear Rhett and Link's answer?

• 54:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I would like to.

• 54:11Tig Notaro?

  Let's do it.

• 54:12Speaker 05

  My morning routine machine would plop me in the shower where I would be sprayed with water on my body, but coffee in my mouth. And then a team of blow dryers would descend from the ceiling and blow dry my entire body. Thanks for clarifying. Without me having to lift a finger. Because I already blow dry my body, but it takes a lot of work. I highly recommend it.

• 54:36Mae Martin?

  Wait.

• 54:37Speaker 05

  My morning routine machine would administer via IV all the liquids that I need for the day. Because I know you're supposed to drink a lot of water and I'm trying to drink water right when I wake up, but I never have a taste for it. I just don't have a taste for water. So IV. It doesn't really taste. I just don't want it and I know I need it. IV administration of water. And then the machine would go into my son's room, wake him up, argue with him about why it's important to be on time for things and why if you can't learn how to be on time for school, then you're going to not be on time for other things later in life. And it's gonna, people are going to think less of you and also there's going to be opportunities that you're going to miss out on. And then the machine would raise its voice and be like, I'm serious.

• 55:20Speaker 05

  I'm serious. We have to get to school. I've got things to do today. I've got places to be.

• 55:26Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 55:27Mae Martin?

  Oh, my Lord.

• 55:28Fortune Feimster?

  That's the, that's the North Carolina coming out in him.

• 55:31Tig Notaro?

  Well, speaking of that being the North Carolina in him, he reminded me of Zach Galifianakis in that moment. The way he raised his voice when Zach is silly yelling.

• 55:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 55:42Tig Notaro?

  And Zach is from North Carolina. That's why I'm bringing that all together.

• 55:45Fortune Feimster?

  That's our North Carolina raising your voice.

• 55:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:49Mae Martin?

  Well, the nicest thing about having a robot to yell at your kids would be then you could be the hero who comes in and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop yelling. Hey, hey. And then you're the hero.

• 56:00Fortune Feimster?

  My I got you boo, I forgot would also sing to me and make me breakfast.

• 56:05Mae Martin?

  But wouldn't you actually want it to just accompany you while you sing, like play the?

• 56:11Fortune Feimster?

  That too. We could harmonize.

• 56:13Mae Martin?

  That would be nice.

• 56:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 56:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 56:15Fortune Feimster?

  A nice morning harmony.

• 56:17Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes.

• 56:21Tig Notaro?

  Chad with friends.

• 56:22Fortune Feimster?

  On the handsome pod. Chad with friends on the handsome.

• 56:31Tig Notaro?

  Boy, we still got it, do we not?

• 56:32Mae Martin?

  Still got it.

• 56:34Tig Notaro?

  Well, that was a really fun episode, huh? I can't wait for our retreat.

• 56:39Fortune Feimster?

  I know. This led to a, a health retreat with sexy time.

• 56:43Tig Notaro?

  It always does.

• 56:45Mae Martin?

  As soon as we get off this Zoom, I'm going to be sending dates your way.

• 56:49Tig Notaro?

  I, uh, I thought I'd get into, uh, where I'm going to be and what I'm going to do. It's not a very long list. All right. Is everybody ready for this?

• 56:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 56:58Tig Notaro?

  August 17th, West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, New York. Saturday, August 23rd, P-Town. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. P-Town.

• 57:10Fortune Feimster?

  Gay enclave.

• 57:12Tig Notaro?

  Yes, it is a gay enclave. And then Saturday, September 27th, the Beau Rivage Resort and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi. So there you go. Also check on tignotaro.com for all of my working out new material in, uh, Los Angeles. I'll be in Toronto soon at Largo Dynasty Typewriter and Comedy Bar. So.

• 57:38Tig Notaro?

  That's what's up with me.

• 57:40Mae Martin?

  On July 25th, I'm in Montreal at Just for Laughs doing Mae Martin and Friends at the Olympia Theater. What about you, Fortune?

• 57:48Fortune Feimster?

  I'm in Edmonton in Canada with Mateo Lane, July 20th, for the Great Outdoors Festival.

• 57:54Mae Martin?

  I love Mateo.

• 57:56Fortune Feimster?

  I know, he's the best. I'm hosting a gala in Montreal, July 26th, which May will be on.

• 58:02Mae Martin?

  I'm doing it. I can't wait, yeah.

• 58:04Fortune Feimster?

  That's gonna be fun for Montreal folks. Then, my stuff starts in September. San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, DC, Portland, Maine, Boston, and Burlington, Vermont, with a lot more added, Atlanta, New Orleans, Mobile. You can get your tickets at fortunefeamster.com.

• 58:26Tig Notaro?

  If you enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend. Let's keep building this awesome, handsome community. I mean, everywhere I go, people tell me to keep it handsome, and it is just so fun. Also, don't forget to rate and review the show and subscribe to also not just the show, but to our YouTube page. These are the ways to ensure the show keeps going. People always ask that, like, how do we make sure this doesn't go away? Subscribe to the show, review, rate, tell your friends, share episodes. All of it is so important. And we just love you guys, and all the best to Ginger.

• 59:08Tig Notaro?

  And let's get to planning our retreat. We gotta bring Ginger to the retreat.

• 59:14Mae Martin?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 59:16Tig Notaro?

  Or we fly out to where she is and we have the retreat with her.

• 59:21Fortune Feimster?

  All right.

• 59:21Tig Notaro?

  Okay, well, until next time, huh?

• 59:24Mae Martin?

  Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected], and please follow us on social media, @handsomepod.

• 59:43Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast!

• 59:49Mae Martin?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 59:52Speaker 00

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 59:54Speaker 06

  And Hannah Simone.

• 59:55Speaker 00

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog-

• 1:00:17Speaker 06

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:00:29Speaker 00

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:00:40Speaker 06

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.