Nelly Furtado asks about celebrity crushes

The iconic Nelly Furtado asks about celebrity crushes, plus TLC, Travolta hall passes, and Fortune's feelings for a certain Golden Girl! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:05Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium professional website.

• 0:23Fortune Feimster?

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• 0:55Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Handsome. Chat to my friends on the Handsome Pod. Chat to my friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers. Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Podcast. I'm one of your hosts, Mae Martin, joined, as always, by my stoic, brave, handsome co-hosts.

• 1:34Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune Feimster.

• 1:35Tig Notaro?

  And your very dear, dear pal, Tig Notaro, right here on Handsome. Here we are.

• 1:42Fortune Feimster?

  Here we are, keeping it handsome. How are you, my handsome friends?

• 1:46Tig Notaro?

  I'm doing well. How are you?

• 1:50Fortune Feimster?

  So good. Does anyone want to see what I'm working with right now?

• 1:54Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 1:54Fortune Feimster?

  Muscle-wise.

• 1:56Tig Notaro?

  What is going on? Is this from Treading Water?

• 1:59Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, baby.

• 2:01Mae Martin?

  Your biceps are popping.

• 2:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 2:04Tig Notaro?

  That is crazy. Tell us everything, Fortune.

• 2:07Fortune Feimster?

  I'm like the Hulk.

• 2:08Tig Notaro?

  Because you are looking quite trim these days.

• 2:12Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I saw a video. This is not what sparked this, but I was in the midst of two crazy back to back tours. Each tour was a year and a half, 100 cities, 150 shows. I went from that first tour right into season one of FUBAR. Finished that, started my next tour, 150 shows, 100 cities, right into FUBAR again. So like a year ago, I saw my face and body and I was like, this is not good. I'm not taking care of myself. So I've lost like 40 pounds.

• 2:52Tig Notaro?

  Wow. That is no joke. And how are you feeling?

• 2:57Fortune Feimster?

  Good. I feel very good. I, what I, what I was saying is they did like a best of, of videos on our, on our handsome socials. And J- Jackson and I both were like, holy shit. I had just gotten, you know, on the road, you just don't take care of yourself.

• 3:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like you have no routine. You're traveling. It's, you're eating at weird times.

• 3:17Fortune Feimster?

  And everyone was telling me I was looking tired and my hair was like turning gray and my face was really bad. And it was like I was breaking out. So.

• 3:27Mae Martin?

  I feel like that right now.

• 3:29Fortune Feimster?

  Like, yeah, finally just reeled, reeled some of that in and, and trying to take some time for myself. And every day I've been getting in the pool and just how, and it's a good, like you said, it's a good meditation.

• 3:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:42Fortune Feimster?

  But it's also good for, for my muscles.

• 3:44Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. So you're doing it how many times a week now?

• 3:48Fortune Feimster?

  Right now, because since I've been home, which has only been a few weeks, I've been doing it like five days a week.

• 3:54Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 3:55Mae Martin?

  In two weeks.

• 3:56Tig Notaro?

  I am, but I mean, that's still really impressive, Fortune.

• 4:01Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you. I mean, listen, I will, we've talked about it before. I'm always up and down. It is such a journey for me. So there will be times that I'm not doing anything, but right now I feel very good.

• 4:12Tig Notaro?

  Well, that doesn't, none of that, who cares? We're just talking about right now. That's really incredible.

• 4:20Mae Martin?

  For the record, I feel like only parents should be able to say you look tired to someone. That's like the craziest thing to volunteer. You look tired. Yeah. If your parent says it, it's like they're concerned. You know, their little baby is tired and sleepy.

• 4:34Fortune Feimster?

  I feel like I was getting a lot of people telling me I look tired.

• 4:38Tig Notaro?

  I would, I'm sure you were very tired.

• 4:42Fortune Feimster?

  I was, yeah. Bags under my eyes were out of control. Yeah. So I'm not going back into a hardcore tour. I'll be doing dates here and there and then I have to work on my new hour. But I'm not going into a theater tour until like April.

• 4:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah. There's only so many like, I don't know, eye creams and shortcuts you can take. Like really do just need sleep.

• 5:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. And some eye cream never hurt.

• 5:09Mae Martin?

  And some eye cream and yeah.

• 5:11Tig Notaro?

  J Lo.

• 5:12Mae Martin?

  From J Lo herself.

• 5:14Tig Notaro?

  Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez.

• 5:18Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, so yeah, I'm feeling good. How are you? You guys are doing all right? May, you said you're tired.

• 5:24Mae Martin?

  I'm always tired.

• 5:25Fortune Feimster?

  I'm not gonna tell you look tired. I don't think you look tired.

• 5:27Tig Notaro?

  We just heard from your mother that you were tired.

• 5:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah, your mother called and said, May looks tired. I have like three weeks left, but I'm, um, I'm just looking out the window behind me. I can see the park and it's such a lovely evening and people are playing softball in, in the park. And, um, I'm thinking I might go for a little walk after this.

• 5:45Fortune Feimster?

  That's nice.

• 5:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:46Fortune Feimster?

  Did you ever play softball?

• 5:48Mae Martin?

  No.

• 5:49Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 5:50Mae Martin?

  No, I'm like Tig, I smoked as a teen and I never did sports, but I liked soccer.

• 5:56Fortune Feimster?

  Look at those softball dikes over there.

• 5:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, we were in the bleachers.

• 6:01Tig Notaro?

  I was playing soccer and smoking.

• 6:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:04Tig Notaro?

  And then smoking one.

• 6:07Mae Martin?

  My thing is hacky sack. I think I've talked about this. I'm trying to bring that back. You know, hacky sack?

• 6:13Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 6:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah. It's pretty insane to be like a 37 year old Googling tricks.

• 6:19Tig Notaro?

  And when you say you're trying to bring it back, do you mean to make it popular or bring it back into your life?

• 6:25Mae Martin?

  Oh, it was never in my life. It's just now coming into my life, but I want people to get into it. And, and it's such good cardio and it's really fun. And you kind of feel like, like it's so, so much of it is mental and thinking I'm going to keep this fuck, this sack in the air. If it's the last thing I do.

• 6:40Fortune Feimster?

  That's what I always think about. How do we keep these sacks in the air?

• 6:44Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, Marie.

• 6:48Fortune Feimster?

  These sacks are like a little saggy.

• 6:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you gotta keep them up.

• 6:52Fortune Feimster?

  Now, May, answer me this.

• 6:54Mae Martin?

  Riddle me this, Fortune.

• 6:56Fortune Feimster?

  A hacky sack?

• 6:57Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:57Fortune Feimster?

  Is something you do with someone else or both keeping it in the air or it's a solo thing?

• 7:04Mae Martin?

  You can do both. I like a little group standing in a circle and you're just trying to keep it up. And it's not competitive. It's like, you know, just try, it's like, you know, when you try to keep a ball in the air. But I like doing it on my own too, you know?

• 7:15Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 7:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:16Fortune Feimster?

  But it is good cardio.

• 7:17Mae Martin?

  It's really good cardio. You're sweating, you're using weird muscles.

• 7:21Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 7:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:22Tig Notaro?

  Like how weird?

• 7:23Fortune Feimster?

  Done what Tig suggested. I will do what you suggest. I have to get a hacky sack though.

• 7:28Mae Martin?

  Oh my God, yeah, please do.

• 7:31Tig Notaro?

  Should we start a, like a GoFundMe to raise money to get you a hacky sack?

• 7:37Fortune Feimster?

  I want our handsome listeners to spend their money in better places. I'll buy my own hacky sack, but thank you for thinking of me. Cause if our handsome listeners want to do anything, I know it's been a little bit since this happened, but they are still in need of it. Western North Carolina. Was affected very much by the hurricane. If you have an extra dollar laying around and want to give to some, some places like Operation Airdrop, or beloved Asheville, or World Central Kitchen, any of those places, helping our good folks in North Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida.

• 8:14Tig Notaro?

  They'll need help for a long time.

• 8:16Fortune Feimster?

  They'll need help for a while. So, so go there and, and the Mills on Wheels, helping a lot of those seniors that need it. I, I highly encourage those donations.

• 8:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah. It's crazy how things, they, well, they go out of the news and, and but the ripple effect lasts for like a decade, you know?

• 8:36Fortune Feimster?

  I can speak of Western North Carolina because I just know so many people that live there and I see the pictures that the rebuild of those areas will take years.

• 8:45Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. Absolutely.

• 8:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. But you know, that's the time that we're in. We gotta look out for each other.

• 8:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 8:53Tig Notaro?

  I have a, a childhood friend that lives out there, right outside of Asheville, and I was reaching out to her and the phone call wasn't going through, the texts weren't going through, and I was.

• 9:04Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 9:05Tig Notaro?

  I kept trying and I was like, oh, boy, this is terrifying.

• 9:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah, that's so apocalyptic to not, you had to be cut off, cut off like that. Yeah.

• 9:17Tig Notaro?

  I mean, she did, she did eventually answer and I spoke to her briefly and then it cut out. Yeah, she is okay. She and her wife had some flooding in the basement. But yeah, and I believe she listens to Handsome too.

• 9:32Fortune Feimster?

  Shout out.

• 9:34Tig Notaro?

  Shout out to Amy and Sarah.

• 9:36Mae Martin?

  There are so many places to donate to and so many things going on in the world. I never, I sometimes get overwhelmed and I'm like, I should, do I pick, you know, one thing I can really get behind and bring awareness to, or do I spread it out or, or what? But I've got to be better at it.

• 9:53Fortune Feimster?

  I think anything you do helps. As we learned from a past guest, Arnold Schwarzenegger, he told us to be useful.

• 10:00Mae Martin?

  Be useful.

• 10:01Fortune Feimster?

  So I think any, anything you do in which the goal is to be useful, it helps. Doesn't matter big or small.

• 10:08Tig Notaro?

  And listen, I still stand by, you should put cash towards the environment.

• 10:15Fortune Feimster?

  Gold.

• 10:16Tig Notaro?

  Because if, if this planet.

• 10:21Tig Notaro?

  If the planet isn't working, nothing else matters.

• 10:25Fortune Feimster?

  This is true, my friend. Also, should I invest in gold?

• 10:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, what's the deal there?

• 10:31Fortune Feimster?

  Gold bars. I don't know what my, um, you know, you're supposed to have like emergency kits and stuff now.

• 10:36Tig Notaro?

  Now you need emergency gold.

• 10:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, am I supposed to have, like, will the banks go down at some point and I need gold?

• 10:45Tig Notaro?

  Well, do you have like a cash fund at your house?

• 10:49Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, just a wad of cash somewhere?

• 10:51Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, like, yeah.

• 10:52Fortune Feimster?

  A hundred bucks, will that do?

• 10:54Tig Notaro?

  Well, you should get, you should get your little cash envelope together.

• 10:58Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, well, cash envelope, some gold, what else?

• 11:02Mae Martin?

  Well, I, this is fucked up to say, but cigarettes for the apocalypse, you're gonna be able to trade those, not for you.

• 11:09Fortune Feimster?

  Now, I'm supposed to go into the apocalypse with a bad habit?

• 11:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, cuz that's what people are gonna pay top dollar for.

• 11:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, like in jail.

• 11:17Tig Notaro?

  And toilet paper.

• 11:18Mae Martin?

  And also lighters. I, I read something about lighters.

• 11:21Fortune Feimster?

  Lighters make sense. I need a fire, but cigarettes?

• 11:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah, people, no, to trade, to trade.

• 11:26Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, to trade, okay.

• 11:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:28Fortune Feimster?

  Cuz I do recommend many people get some kind of emergency kit, right?

• 11:33Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 11:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, because I feel like at this, at this point, what stay is safe from, from natural disasters?

• 11:40Mae Martin?

  Take, what, why don't we stay in Toronto? Like, just you and me?

• 11:44Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, what is, what is Toronto's ailment? Just cold?

• 11:48Tig Notaro?

  Well, fire.

• 11:49Mae Martin?

  Fire, sure, but we're kinda, I don't know, we're, it's a lot safer, I feel, in Canada.

• 11:55Fortune Feimster?

  Jax always says, uh, that Michigan's a good place because they have all those freshwater lakes.

• 12:02Tig Notaro?

  Well, any, any place near the Great Lakes is a pretty good bet. Places like Buffalo, Duluth.

• 12:10Fortune Feimster?

  I've been to Duluth.

• 12:11Mae Martin?

  Duluth.

• 12:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, Duluth is, uh, is a hotspot.

• 12:15Fortune Feimster?

  I went to a Red Lobster in Duluth.

• 12:18Tig Notaro?

  All right, brag, braggy brag.

• 12:20Fortune Feimster?

  I got some Cheddar Bay biscuits.

• 12:23Mae Martin?

  How long do you think it would take to drink a Great Lake? Like, if we all run it, ran out of water and we just got Lake Ontario left, like, how long?

• 12:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I think about one person. Yeah, I was like, I mean.

• 12:35Fortune Feimster?

  You're drowning now.

• 12:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but I don't, I wonder how mu- yeah.

• 12:40Fortune Feimster?

  Like until it's used up?

• 12:42Mae Martin?

  Well, let's say one person.

• 12:43Fortune Feimster?

  Well.

• 12:44Mae Martin?

  Could that, would that last your whole life? Yeah.

• 12:46Fortune Feimster?

  For sure.

• 12:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

• 12:48Tig Notaro?

  And I think that that-

• 12:49Fortune Feimster?

  Who's this asshole hoarding the Great Lakes?

• 12:51Mae Martin?

  This one's mine.

• 12:54Tig Notaro?

  I was here first. I think, um, I'm not sure which or all Great Lakes I think might not be terribly clean.

• 13:04Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, so you might get some bacteria.

• 13:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, you're gonna have to like, you can't just scoop a cup of water out of that.

• 13:11Mae Martin?

  No, I know Toronto, after it rains, you're not supposed to swim in the lake, you grow another arm or something.

• 13:17Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no.

• 13:18Tig Notaro?

  Why is that after it rains? Why?

• 13:21Mae Martin?

  I think it, it washes all the poo in there or something.

• 13:24Fortune Feimster?

  And then you got pink eye.

• 13:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:27Fortune Feimster?

  I think our emergency kit consists of a first aid kit. And a case of bottled water.

• 13:35Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 13:36Fortune Feimster?

  And now, and I, I have a hundred dollars. I don't think I'm prepared.

• 13:40Mae Martin?

  I feel like you're not getting far with, yeah.

• 13:42Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think so either, my friend.

• 13:44Tig Notaro?

  We have those big five gallon jugs of water in our garage.

• 13:49Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 13:50Tig Notaro?

  Four or five of them.

• 13:51Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 13:52Tig Notaro?

  And then we also have that kind of food that's dehydrated.

• 13:57Mae Martin?

  Oh, like astronaut ice cream?

• 13:58Fortune Feimster?

  Is it vegan?

• 13:59Tig Notaro?

  Uh, yeah, we have, um, a few buckets of, uh.

• 14:04Mae Martin?

  Like lentils and stuff?

• 14:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, just vegetables and things.

• 14:09Mae Martin?

  I would get like a water purifier kit, like a, yeah.

• 14:13Fortune Feimster?

  Brita?

• 14:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah, Brita.

• 14:15Tig Notaro?

  You know what I learned, um?

• 14:17Mae Martin?

  Put it out in the rain?

• 14:18Tig Notaro?

  If you have like a metal, um, coffee container or something like that, and you put a candle in there. And you're stuck like in a s- like in a small room or your car, it'll heat the whole place.

• 14:32Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, really?

• 14:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:34Fortune Feimster?

  Look at that. Tig is our survivalist here, what else?

• 14:39Tig Notaro?

  Our house is two stories, and so I also have a ladder.

• 14:45Tig Notaro?

  That you can throw out of a window.

• 14:48Mae Martin?

  Oh, wow. I need one of those. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah.

• 14:53Tig Notaro?

  My hometown in Mississippi got hit by the eye.

• 14:57Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 14:58Tig Notaro?

  Well, and by the eye of the hurricane when Katrina hit.

• 15:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:03Tig Notaro?

  And I think, I don't know, I don't know, between that and probably my medical emergencies, I'm always like, I do not want to be stuck in any situation and, and be unsafe. I, I really do not want to be. And of course, none of that will make sure that I'm safe, but I just, it gives me some peace of mind. And I, I wouldn't want, when I say I don't want myself, I don't want Max and Finn or Stephanie. You know, so what I can do, I've tried to put together.

• 15:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah. We said if we were in a plane crash in the Andes or something, within minutes I'd be eating ass.

• 15:44Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Even if the plane didn't go down, I think.

• 15:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you'd still be eating.

• 15:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I think if you hit slight turbulence, you would be eating ass. Well.

• 15:57Mae Martin?

  Well.

• 15:58Tig Notaro?

  Give me, who's gonna give me some ass?

• 16:01Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 16:06Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking for hybrid coffee shop concepts before I visit a new area? I missed out. Coffee in plants, coffee in books, coffee in vintage model trains. The opportunities are endless, but I have to remember to take advantage.

• 16:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 16:36Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 16:59Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand-beded by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I used Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything I've gotten on Wayfair and I know you will too.

• 17:27Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 17:43Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 18:04Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $235 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 18:28Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show. Oh, man. Well, the ladder's not a bad idea, cuz uh, I like that. I have like six loose batteries.

• 18:56Mae Martin?

  You have six loose batteries?

• 18:58Tig Notaro?

  That's your plan?

• 19:00Fortune Feimster?

  I think I need to get a, I think I need to get it together. I gotta.

• 19:04Tig Notaro?

  More than six loose batteries?

• 19:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I need to have some, here's our batteries, here's our lights, here's some water, here's, you know, we're gonna, I'm gonna get it organized.

• 19:13Mae Martin?

  It's pretty satisfying to put it together, I think. Like, I remember when I was a kid, and if we'd go, if we were ever in a hotel, I'd, I'd make a little survival kit out of just like, the toiletries, like, I'd, I'd take a plastic, I'd be like, I got two Q-tips, one cotton ball, one, and one strawberry I took from lunch, and like, I'd make a little kit, and I'd be like, if shit goes down.

• 19:32Tig Notaro?

  I've got the strawberry.

• 19:34Fortune Feimster?

  You were expecting the worst?

• 19:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah, always, yeah.

• 19:37Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. The one big hurricane I went through was Hurricane Hugo.

• 19:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:42Fortune Feimster?

  I was ten years old, and it came inland, and uh, there was like, talk on the news that it could possibly change directions, and everyone's like, yeah, whatever. Um, but our, my brother was like, no, we gotta get ready. So he went in the backyard and he got all the lawn furniture and put it under the house. And then our parents woke us up at like, two in the morning, and it sounded like a freight train outside of our house.

• 20:09Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 20:10Fortune Feimster?

  And there was no power, and they made us go downstairs and huddle in the hallway. It was so scary because it sounded apocalyptic. And when you looked out the window, it was pitch black, and you could just see kinda, you could see rain, but you could, the, the wind was like shaking the house, it was so strong. And we had this uh, like, hundred-year-old oak tree, if that tells you, you know, this was a massive tree. And at some point, we were in the hallway, and the loudest sound I've ever heard in my entire life, it felt like it was coming through our house. We were so scared. And it last, that sound lasted like.

• 20:53Fortune Feimster?

  Thirty seconds and we were like, what was that? But you, again, you couldn't see anything. And then the morning that hundred year old oak tree had been split. The wind was so strong, it split it in half. And it, it made it fall down on the side of our house. Um, but if it had come through our house, we would have been goners.

• 21:17Mae Martin?

  So was it?

• 21:18Fortune Feimster?

  Went through the kitchen side of the kitchen.

• 21:21Mae Martin?

  And the wind split it or like it got hit by lightning or? Oh my God.

• 21:26Fortune Feimster?

  That's how strong these hurricanes get.

• 21:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Oh my God. When I went back to Mississippi after Katrina, there were caskets on the beach. There were school buses in the water. There were, I mean, it was just.

• 21:45Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 21:46Tig Notaro?

  Level, there was houses just gone. You just see the foundation, just cement and no house, just steps going up to nothing.

• 21:55Mae Martin?

  If, if there's lightning, are you supposed to get under a tree or not under a tree?

• 21:59Fortune Feimster?

  Not under a tree.

• 21:59Tig Notaro?

  Not under a tree.

• 22:00Mae Martin?

  Not under a tree.

• 22:01Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 22:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 22:02Mae Martin?

  All right.

• 22:03Tig Notaro?

  But if you don't like someone, tell them to get under a tree.

• 22:06Mae Martin?

  No.

• 22:08Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 22:10Mae Martin?

  There is, I remember seeing a thing about a woman who got hit by a meteor, went through her house. And she was having a nap in bed and it just hit her on the side of her stomach and she survived. And she had this big burn on her stomach.

• 22:23Fortune Feimster?

  What are the odds?

• 22:24Mae Martin?

  What are the odds? I'd like to know.

• 22:26Fortune Feimster?

  That's like a one in a gazillion.

• 22:29Mae Martin?

  It, I don't know, but it was, it's a crazy picture. It's a black and white photo and she's just lying in bed and she's been napping and, and then a meteor hit her.

• 22:37Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 22:38Tig Notaro?

  How did she know it was a meteor?

• 22:40Mae Martin?

  Well, then she must, she called this, you know, local. Whoever and they came.

• 22:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, who do you call?

• 22:46Mae Martin?

  I don't know, yeah.

• 22:47Tig Notaro?

  I would think it was just like a kid threw something through my window.

• 22:52Fortune Feimster?

  Like a flare gun came through.

• 22:54Mae Martin?

  I think it it went right through the top of her house, though, right?

• 22:58Tig Notaro?

  Oh, wow.

• 22:59Mae Martin?

  You know?

• 22:59Fortune Feimster?

  That kind of stuff is crazy because you're literally just like in your house. You think the safest place you could be.

• 23:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 23:07Fortune Feimster?

  And that happens, which is where the saying comes from. Now, this is an old saying. Um, I don't know if it started in, I want to say nineteen eighteen.

• 23:18Mae Martin?

  What?

• 23:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, the saying is, and I quote, YOLO. You only live once.

• 23:27Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 23:29Fortune Feimster?

  My great, great grandparents used to say it. Uh, it's been passed down by generations.

• 23:35Tig Notaro?

  Grandma and grandpa YOLO.

• 23:37Fortune Feimster?

  Grandpa, grandpa, yep. And so now, uh, I, it's words to live by. You only live once. Um, life is short.

• 23:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 23:47Tig Notaro?

  These are, let me write this down. You're saying, what is it?

• 23:50Fortune Feimster?

  Life is short. I don't know who wrote that one.

• 23:52Tig Notaro?

  Okay, but I'm gonna write that down. Life is short. And then what was the other one?

• 23:56Fortune Feimster?

  YOLO.

• 23:56Tig Notaro?

  YOLO.

• 23:58Fortune Feimster?

  You only live once.

• 24:01Tig Notaro?

  Live once. Do you have any others? Because these are good.

• 24:04Fortune Feimster?

  The most of it. Scott Twain also said, let's go, girls.

• 24:08Tig Notaro?

  Okay, yeah, let's.

• 24:09Fortune Feimster?

  That's just more of a mantra than it is a saying.

• 24:14Tig Notaro?

  Okay, anything else I should write down?

• 24:17Mae Martin?

  Did you get Got Milk?

• 24:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh, Got Milk?

• 24:20Mae Martin?

  Got, question mark.

• 24:21Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 24:21Tig Notaro?

  Soy milk.

• 24:22Mae Martin?

  Sure.

• 24:23Tig Notaro?

  Got unsweetened soy milk? Oh, I should make a T-shirt that says that.

• 24:27Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 24:28Fortune Feimster?

  Another, another wise words, uh, wise words to live by, and I'll, I've said it before. I'll say it again. It is from TLC.

• 24:37Tig Notaro?

  Eat my ass.

• 24:38Fortune Feimster?

  TLC, um, don't go chasing waterfalls.

• 24:43Tig Notaro?

  Don't go.

• 24:43Fortune Feimster?

  Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

• 24:48Tig Notaro?

  What is that message?

• 24:50Fortune Feimster?

  That contradicts YOLO. A little bit.

• 24:52Mae Martin?

  That contradicts YOLO. That's saying, don't try. Just don't.

• 24:55Fortune Feimster?

  But that was, but that was our grandparents saying, and now this is TLC saying.

• 24:59Mae Martin?

  It's saying, stay in your lane.

• 25:01Fortune Feimster?

  TLC is saying, what?

• 25:04Tig Notaro?

  You're not the special one.

• 25:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:06Tig Notaro?

  That's what they're saying. You're not the special one.

• 25:08Fortune Feimster?

  TLC was saying, what are you doing? You're fine.

• 25:11Mae Martin?

  It's the opposite of shoot for the moon and you'll land among the stars. That's, it's the opposite of that.

• 25:15Fortune Feimster?

  That's Casey Kasem.

• 25:16Mae Martin?

  Isn't it like?

• 25:17Tig Notaro?

  Shoot for the moon.

• 25:19Mae Martin?

  No, isn't it, um?

• 25:21Tig Notaro?

  You'll.

• 25:22Fortune Feimster?

  So like Galileo or somebody?

• 25:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's some, yeah.

• 25:26Fortune Feimster?

  It's not Casey Kasem?

• 25:27Tig Notaro?

  The Indigo Girls wrote Galileo. We all know that.

• 25:31Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, but there was a Galileo person.

• 25:35Tig Notaro?

  No, they made that up. Galileo's head was on the block.

• 25:38Fortune Feimster?

  I can't believe.

• 25:39Tig Notaro?

  These are really great things. Thank you.

• 25:41Fortune Feimster?

  Been crediting Casey Kasem this whole time.

• 25:44Mae Martin?

  I don't know who that is.

• 25:45Fortune Feimster?

  He was an American radio host.

• 25:48Tig Notaro?

  And keep reaching for the stars. That's what Casey Kasem said.

• 25:51Fortune Feimster?

  He was, uh, responsible for America's Top Forty.

• 25:55Mae Martin?

  Wow, okay.

• 25:57Fortune Feimster?

  Anyway.

• 25:57Tig Notaro?

  America's Top Forty.

• 26:01Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know if there's, is there another saying that Tig needs to write down, May?

• 26:04Tig Notaro?

  Cause these are really, really inspiring.

• 26:07Mae Martin?

  Um, what about, don't throw the, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just.

• 26:12Tig Notaro?

  Don't throw. Don't go throwing babies over waterfalls.

• 26:17Mae Martin?

  That's it. That's it. Yeah.

• 26:19Fortune Feimster?

  Why buy the cow when the milk, wait, why buy the milk when the cow's free? No, why buy the cow when the milk's free?

• 26:26Tig Notaro?

  When you can get the milk for free.

• 26:28Fortune Feimster?

  When you can get the milk for free. You've heard that one.

• 26:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. These are good. Okay. I got that one.

• 26:34Fortune Feimster?

  Man, have we changed lives today with these things?

• 26:37Tig Notaro?

  Should we, um, change everyone's life and hear, uh, from our questioner?

• 26:42Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. I'm feeling nostalgic.

• 26:44Mae Martin?

  Today's questioner is a Grammy winning, Canadian singer songwriter who has sold over forty-five million records. She's got a new album titled Seven, which is very enigmatic. Nelly Furtado is asking for today's question.

• 26:57Fortune Feimster?

  Woo-hoo. Hey handsome podcast. How are you? Um, Nelly.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  Furtado and I have a question for you.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  If you're willing to answer, but I am, so I want you to. Um, who was your very first celebrity crush of all time?

• 27:18Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 27:21Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 27:21Fortune Feimster?

  Nelly Furtado.

• 27:22Mae Martin?

  Nelly Furtado, what a legend.

• 27:24Fortune Feimster?

  Nelly Furtado has had some big jams.

• 27:27Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 27:28Tig Notaro?

  I mean, you'd have to if you're selling over forty five million records.

• 27:33Mae Martin?

  That's right.

• 27:46Fortune Feimster?

  I like that promiscuous song. Is that the one with Timbaland?

• 27:50Mae Martin?

  I think so. Yeah, yeah.

• 27:53Fortune Feimster?

  And I can't, I don't know how to sing it.

• 27:54Tig Notaro?

  No, keep going.

• 27:55Fortune Feimster?

  No, it's like, uh.

• 28:00Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 28:05Mae Martin?

  Okay, Tig, I felt like when Nelly Furtado asked that question, you nodded sagely like I think someone came into your mind right away.

• 28:13Tig Notaro?

  I know exactly who it was.

• 28:14Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 28:15Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. Do you want to hear?

• 28:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah, desperately.

• 28:20Tig Notaro?

  It is John Travolta.

• 28:22Mae Martin?

  Yes, of course, of course.

• 28:23Tig Notaro?

  It is John Travolta. In Grease and Urban Cowboy. I mean, holy lord, John Travolta.

• 28:35Fortune Feimster?

  I'm telling you, I've said it before, it's that wiener shot.

• 28:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 28:40Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 28:40Fortune Feimster?

  With the Jamie Lee Curtis movie.

• 28:42Mae Martin?

  We've talked about this.

• 28:43Tig Notaro?

  No, no, no, no, no. For me.

• 28:46Fortune Feimster?

  It's a jazzercise class.

• 28:48Tig Notaro?

  No, I this did, no, no. For me, it is him as like a greaser. You know, the white T-shirt, blue jeans.

• 28:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:57Tig Notaro?

  And driving around on a hot rod.

• 29:00Fortune Feimster?

  Was there any part of you that was like, I want to be him? Or you just were like, I have the hots for him?

• 29:06Tig Notaro?

  I, I mean, whatever you want to call it, he was like on my radar. I was like, there is nobody hotter than John Travolta in, especially in Urban Cowboy.

• 29:20Mae Martin?

  So do you think, let's imagine you go to a house party now today and John Travolta in his Urban Cowboy era is there?

• 29:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:29Mae Martin?

  Would he look insane with in a crowd of today's people like would he look really of that time or would he you know what I mean or would he still be like top of his game smoking hot by today's

• 29:41Fortune Feimster?

  Dimples.

• 29:42Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god. Well, he just looks like a very classic cowboy. I mean, I mean, I guess these days cowboys also kind of where I mean, I know that there's rhinestone cowboys, but I also feel like traditional ish cowboys these days will still

• 30:02Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 30:03Tig Notaro?

  oddly have little sparkly jeans.

• 30:06Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

• 30:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, where I'm like, wait, I don't know. I don't understand. You lost me.

• 30:12Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 30:12Tig Notaro?

  It's like, I like the cowboy that just got the hat.

• 30:17Mae Martin?

  The hat, the dirty jeans that yeah.

• 30:20Tig Notaro?

  And well, whether they're dirty or did they're even ironed, you know, the those wranglers that are

• 30:26Fortune Feimster?

  That's what I got on that show Yellowstone.

• 30:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:29Tig Notaro?

  But like, you know, there's some cowboys throw in a little pizzazz in the in the like jeans. There's like designer jeans.

• 30:38Fortune Feimster?

  You need to watch Yellowstone. Get your panties wet.

• 30:43Tig Notaro?

  So Fortune Marie.

• 30:46Fortune Feimster?

  They have a character on there that all the straight ladies and I'm assuming you too Tig would go real wild for. He's a bad boy.

• 30:55Tig Notaro?

  You know what I also think is so hot is a black cowboy.

• 31:00Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:00Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 31:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. A black cowboy.

• 31:04Mae Martin?

  So Tig, if you know how like they they found their quantum science is like, maybe we we invent time machines and stuff. So let's say you're at a house party with Stephanie.

• 31:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we got back to this house party.

• 31:17Mae Martin?

  You're back at this house party. Yeah, you look over. There's John Travolta in that heyday and he is into you.

• 31:24Tig Notaro?

  Of course he is.

• 31:26Mae Martin?

  Of course he is. Yeah. And do you say to Stephanie, like, is that a hall pass? Would you ever consider that?

• 31:32Fortune Feimster?

  Whoa, what a scenario you set up, man.

• 31:35Tig Notaro?

  Well, here's the problem.

• 31:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:40Tig Notaro?

  I I'm I'm struggling here because I I feel like I've

• 31:45Fortune Feimster?

  I'm struggling with this impossible scenario that could never happen.

• 31:49Tig Notaro?

  I'm struggling on many different levels, but I think knowing John Travolta over the years from a distance and like kind of who he is and what he is now.

• 32:00Fortune Feimster?

  Watching him evolve, yeah.

• 32:01Tig Notaro?

  It it it kind of

• 32:03Fortune Feimster?

  tarnished.

• 32:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's just he's not my vibe anymore.

• 32:07Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 32:08Tig Notaro?

  But please, everyone, stop what you're doing, or Thomas, if you can drop a picture of him, his profile shot on Urban Cowboy. I mean, and then while we're at it, geez, Deborah Winger in Urban Cowboy.

• 32:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. You really love this movie.

• 32:26Tig Notaro?

  I do. Have you not seen it?

• 32:28Fortune Feimster?

  I don't. I don't think I have. I need to see this movie.

• 32:31Tig Notaro?

  You've got to. I have barely seen anything, and that is a movie I have seen so many times.

• 32:37Fortune Feimster?

  I need to be hot and bothered.

• 32:38Mae Martin?

  That was a horny movie for you.

• 32:40Fortune Feimster?

  I gotta think, look up this character's name on Yellowstone.

• 32:43Tig Notaro?

  Also, I live, that Urban Cowboy took place in Houston, Texas.

• 32:48Fortune Feimster?

  Rip. That's this guy's name, Rip.

• 32:51Tig Notaro?

  Or was it?

• 32:52Fortune Feimster?

  In Yellowstone.

• 32:53Tig Notaro?

  And I lived in that area when that movie came out. And so I really connected with cowboys in a city.

• 33:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:05Tig Notaro?

  You know?

• 33:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Okay, Fortune, whose years?

• 33:09Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I was looking up eighties movie stars to see, thinking of someone, uh, right. I mean, um, I had a thing for older women, so Betty White, for sure, got it going for me.

• 33:25Tig Notaro?

  Seriously? That's, that's Are you serious? Hot for her?

• 33:30Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:31Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 33:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, cuz she was like in their fifties when she did

• 33:34Mae Martin?

  Golden Girl?

• 33:35Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, they made them look a lot older, but they were all in their like fifties.

• 33:39Mae Martin?

  I was not expecting Betty White.

• 33:41Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 33:44Tig Notaro?

  I love that that's more shocking than me liking John Travolta.

• 33:48Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, I'll tell you who it was, because I'm, I'm struggling to remember what male, because I know that I.

• 33:55Tig Notaro?

  You were straight as a board.

• 33:57Fortune Feimster?

  I know, straight, yeah, straight as a button. So I definitely had male crushes, and I think I've said it before, like Jonathan from New Kids on the Block. I like sobbed when I saw him sing. But I'm trying to think of like, the TV and movie people that really did it for me. And the first, well, there was two people, and I can't remember if I've talked about either of these on here. But one was the hot blonde in Crocodile Dundee, when she went to the river in her white bathing suit. Holy, shikies.

• 34:37Tig Notaro?

  And we don't know her name?

• 34:39Mae Martin?

  She's the hot blonde.

• 34:40Fortune Feimster?

  She didn't marry in the Crocodile Dundee's.

• 34:43Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 34:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, if, I don't remember her name, but she was, but that was my first like. Was it hard on you? Was it what, hard?

• 34:51Tig Notaro?

  Was that hard on you when the two of them got together?

• 34:56Fortune Feimster?

  I think I even thought Crocodile Dundee was pretty cute, too. It's that Australian thing, you know?

• 35:02Tig Notaro?

  Jennifer Lopez.

• 35:06Fortune Feimster?

  So she was my first, like, holy cow, that is sexy.

• 35:10Tig Notaro?

  Maybe I'm not so straight.

• 35:13Fortune Feimster?

  And the bathing suit was like a one piece. But it was before, you know, now when people wear bathing suits, you're seeing ass cracks and everything. And you're seeing all the vagina, everything's out in the open.

• 35:28Tig Notaro?

  Are you?

• 35:28Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, like bathing suits.

• 35:30Tig Notaro?

  What beach are you going to?

• 35:32Fortune Feimster?

  I'm telling you guys, look around, everyone's asshole is poking out of their bathing suit now.

• 35:38Tig Notaro?

  They're easier to eat.

• 35:40Fortune Feimster?

  I'm telling you, the bathing suits these girls are wearing now, it's just straight up asshole shots.

• 35:48Mae Martin?

  And

• 35:51Fortune Feimster?

  She was early, an early adopter of the bathing suit, even though it was one piece, it went, it rode really high up.

• 35:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 35:59Fortune Feimster?

  And showed a lot.

• 36:01Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm. And you liked that?

• 36:02Fortune Feimster?

  I love that. But then the, the person who I would dream about, who

• 36:09Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 36:09Fortune Feimster?

  was like, holy cow, maybe I'm not straight, but I can't be gay because it's gross. Um, I'm southern and I go to church and blech. Um.

• 36:23Tig Notaro?

  I'm a pretty little lady.

• 36:24Fortune Feimster?

  It was the crazy, you would never think of this movie being the thing, but Sandra Bullock, While You Were Sleeping.

• 36:33Mae Martin?

  I haven't seen it.

• 36:34Fortune Feimster?

  I loved it. She was like the girl next door who was so cute and relatable. She did lie.

• 36:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah. She did lie.

• 36:45Fortune Feimster?

  She did lie and pretend to be mayor engaged to a guy in a coma. Uh, but then her, but then she got really close to his family and they loved her. Uh, but while he was in a coma, who she really loves is his brother.

• 37:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah, this is a big spoiler. Yeah.

• 37:02Tig Notaro?

  I haven't seen the movie yet.

• 37:04Fortune Feimster?

  So decades.

• 37:06Tig Notaro?

  I haven't seen it.

• 37:07Fortune Feimster?

  Know at this point, but Sandra Bullock, While You Were Sleeping.

• 37:12Tig Notaro?

  Pretty cute, that Sandy Bullocks.

• 37:18Fortune Feimster?

  But yeah, for males, I guess it would be Jonathan, Jonathan from New Kids on the Block.

• 37:24Mae Martin?

  Hmm. For males. I feel like that's the sign that you're gay.

• 37:30Mae Martin?

  For males.

• 37:30Fortune Feimster?

  If that tells me anything, he's gay.

• 37:35Tig Notaro?

  All right. What's yours, May?

• 37:37Mae Martin?

  First of all, like the Disney villains, like Jafar, Ursula, the sea witch. I like, like a villain, someone like a twinkle in their eye, you know?

• 37:44Tig Notaro?

  Classic.

• 37:45Mae Martin?

  A hedonist, you know, with the joie de vivre and um.

• 37:49Fortune Feimster?

  Joie de vivre.

• 37:50Mae Martin?

  And I think my parents showed me Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was five and I was way too young and it's the horniest movie of all time. And Frank Enfretter like lit me on fire, electrified me. He's so sexy, the way his body moves. And I was showed it because my grandpa was in the stage show and my dad loved it. And, and yeah, so

• 38:10Tig Notaro?

  Did your grandmother book him in the stage show?

• 38:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I think she did. Yeah.

• 38:14Tig Notaro?

  Of course.

• 38:15Mae Martin?

  Because my grandmother's client was Richard O'Brien, who wrote Rocky Horror Picture Show.

• 38:19Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, wow.

• 38:20Mae Martin?

  A big part of our family lore. And I remember them fast forwarding the sex scenes, but oh my God, when Frank Enfretter takes his cape off and he's in this corset and is, oh my God. And I would get, I would go to bed and, and be really horny. And I was like, five. And I remember thinking, I wish I was Rocky, the creature created purely for pleasure. Anyway, then later on, I got into hocus pocus and remember I had that sex scene where all the witches eat my ass. I remember like, like a meatloaf slicing it. I was, and I was maybe seven and I had this dream. And I remember, I remember telling my parents, I've talked

• 39:03Mae Martin?

  about it on the pod, but I remember telling them, I had this dream. I can't wait to have this dream again. I love this dream I had. It was about all three witches, Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Najimi, and they kidnapped me and I was naked and they were gonna eat me and they were slicing my ass like a meatloaf. I told my parents and they were like, what? I was like, can't wait to have that dream again. I loved it.

• 39:30Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 39:32Mae Martin?

  I think I like, but they, what Bette Midler and Tim Curry and all my early crushes have in common is this like twinkle in their eye and like kind of confidence and, and exaggerated femininity, almost like a drag queenish quality that I really liked. And then later on, it was Buffy with Sarah Michelle Gellar and, and Angel as well.

• 39:51Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm.

• 39:52Mae Martin?

  But yeah.

• 39:53Tig Notaro?

  Later in your childhood, you're saying?

• 39:55Mae Martin?

  In my teens, like early teens, I was like, I would like vibrate with excitement when the theme song to Buffy would play.

• 40:03Tig Notaro?

  I was very into Eddie Van Halen.

• 40:06Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yes.

• 40:07Tig Notaro?

  Like, that was my teenage crush, like nobody's business. I just, I

• 40:14Tig Notaro?

  Couldn't imagine there was any cuter guy alive. His smile.

• 40:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 40:20Tig Notaro?

  And vibe when he was playing. Oh, my God. Poor Eddie.

• 40:25Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I remember, I remember a man. Hmm. I remember a male. A male.

• 40:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 40:32Fortune Feimster?

  Patrick Swayze.

• 40:34Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 40:35Fortune Feimster?

  Not only in Dirty Dancing, but also in Ghost and in Roadhouse.

• 40:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you know what? You're right. And Tu Wong Foo with, is that what it was called?

• 40:45Fortune Feimster?

  He was.

• 40:46Mae Martin?

  Where he played a drag queen?

• 40:46Fortune Feimster?

  So sexy and he could dance? Are you kidding me?

• 40:51Tig Notaro?

  Dirty Dancing is.

• 40:53Fortune Feimster?

  I love a dancer and I love a strong man who can be vulnerable.

• 40:58Tig Notaro?

  Who can pick me up and twirl me around.

• 41:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, and like he was shirtless and, and baby comes to his cabin and it's raining and.

• 41:07Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, yeah.

• 41:08Fortune Feimster?

  Johnny.

• 41:09Mae Martin?

  Did I tell you? Did I wrote this sex scene in the show I'm filming?

• 41:14Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, really?

• 41:14Mae Martin?

  That I just filmed where I crawl across the floor like Patrick Swayze?

• 41:17Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 41:18Mae Martin?

  I wrote it, I wrote it in the script just, and I forgot I had to do it. And then the time came, let me tell you. You don't look like Patrick Swayze crawling across the floor unless you're Patrick Swayze.

• 41:28Fortune Feimster?

  You could maybe pull it off with the black tank and the black pants.

• 41:32Mae Martin?

  Thank you so much.

• 41:33Fortune Feimster?

  Baby, oh, sweet baby, you're the one. Down, down.

• 41:37Mae Martin?

  What about Harrison Ford in Blade Runner? Harrison Ford has that thing of being a big, strong man, but vulnerable and.

• 41:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 41:45Mae Martin?

  Him and Blade Runner, I'm, I'm pretty into.

• 41:48Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you know who else I was into? Speaking of older women.

• 41:51Mae Martin?

  Hmm, who?

• 41:53Fortune Feimster?

  Julia Sugarbaker.

• 41:55Mae Martin?

  Who's that?

• 41:55Fortune Feimster?

  Played by Dixie Carter in Designing Women. What the fuck? You guys don't know?

• 42:02Fortune Feimster?

  You don't know who Julia Sugarbaker is?

• 42:04Mae Martin?

  No.

• 42:05Fortune Feimster?

  She played a woman from Georgia in Designing Women and she was always standing up for the rights for someone. How dare you come into my office and, and you treat this person like this? You will not do that in here. And Jean Smart was in there, Annie Potts. You guys never saw Designing Women? Are you kidding me?

• 42:28Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 42:29Mae Martin?

  No, but I do love Jean Smart.

• 42:30Tig Notaro?

  Sanford and Son.

• 42:32Fortune Feimster?

  I swear to God, I, Designing Women might be one of my top favorite TV shows of all time.

• 42:39Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I never saw that.

• 42:41Mae Martin?

  Okay, I gotta watch it.

• 42:42Fortune Feimster?

  Julia Sugarbaker was ahead, well ahead of her time. And I was southern, and they were all southern, and I was southern, and she was like the progressive southern woman who stood up for people.

• 42:54Mae Martin?

  Do you think-

• 42:55Fortune Feimster?

  While designing.

• 42:59Tig Notaro?

  All the while designing.

• 43:03Tig Notaro?

  I can't believe you took a break from designing to stand up for me.

• 43:08Fortune Feimster?

  Stand up for people.

• 43:13Mae Martin?

  Put it, put him down her needle and thread.

• 43:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, she was, when she would get on her, um, soapbox.

• 43:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 43:21Fortune Feimster?

  It was hot.

• 43:22Mae Martin?

  Do you think her fa- like Sugarbaker was, like, her family was-

• 43:26Tig Notaro?

  They must have been bakers that put sugar in their-

• 43:29Fortune Feimster?

  But also, can we just take a minute to remember Patrick Swayze making a clay pot as a ghost?

• 43:36Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah. There's-

• 43:37Fortune Feimster?

  God.

• 43:38Mae Martin?

  I was kind of into how Whoopi Goldberg and Demi Moore slow dance in that.

• 43:42Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that was pretty sexy, too. I thought we were about to get some smooches.

• 43:46Mae Martin?

  Me, too, because he takes over Whoopi's body, right, to slow dance with her.

• 43:49Fortune Feimster?

  Unchained melodies playing in the background?

• 43:51Mae Martin?

  Yes. Oh, that song.

• 44:01Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God. I, he was sexy.

• 44:04Mae Martin?

  Talent is hot and, and being funny is hot.

• 44:08Fortune Feimster?

  And dancing.

• 44:09Mae Martin?

  Confidence is hot. Funny is the hottest.

• 44:12Fortune Feimster?

  And standing up for people while designing.

• 44:15Mae Martin?

  While designing.

• 44:18Tig Notaro?

  I was really in, I was never, um, attracted to Chrissy Hind from The Pretenders, but she was like the first female rock star. Where I was like, I was so into like guys before that.

• 44:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:35Tig Notaro?

  Whether it was Eddie Van Halen, or Willie Nelson, or, you know, whoever else. Um, and then Chrissy Hind just like rattled me. Yeah, I, I just, I was just way into her, but I, I I just wasn't ever attracted to her.

• 44:51Mae Martin?

  The other day, a friend of mine was like, remember that letter you wrote Angelina Jolie? I went, what? I have no memory of it, but I hope she never got it, whatever it was.

• 45:00Fortune Feimster?

  She remembers that one letter.

• 45:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it somehow is the one fan letter.

• 45:05Tig Notaro?

  Were you hot for her?

• 45:07Mae Martin?

  Oh my God, I went on a date to see Tomb Raider two with a guy and I was like holding sweaty hands with this guy just and then the movie ended and I was like, I loved that movie. That I mean, she was really amazing. He was like, yeah, yeah, it was pretty good. And I was like, no, like she can do it all. She, uh, yeah.

• 45:26Tig Notaro?

  She's really got what it takes.

• 45:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:29Fortune Feimster?

  She can raid my tomb anytime.

• 45:31Mae Martin?

  She really is.

• 45:32Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie.

• 45:33Fortune Feimster?

  Well, we never followed up. You went to an event where she was. Did you ever, did you get to say hi or be anywhere near her or meet her?

• 45:41Mae Martin?

  Did we? Yeah. Did we never?

• 45:42Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think we ever followed up on it.

• 45:45Mae Martin?

  Well, exciting news.

• 45:46Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 45:47Mae Martin?

  I did not meet her because she's Angelina Jolie. She, uh, no, she like glided on stage, gave the classiest speech and it was like seeing a Greek god. Like she's not of this earth. Like her bone structure, she, uh, she's wildly beautiful.

• 46:02Fortune Feimster?

  That's like how I feel about Charlize Theron.

• 46:05Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 46:06Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 46:06Tig Notaro?

  I was just done a screening with her.

• 46:09Mae Martin?

  Oh, really?

• 46:10Fortune Feimster?

  Gorgeous.

• 46:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:12Fortune Feimster?

  And fun and cool. So it seems, I don't know, I've met her a couple of times. I don't know her very well, but she's gorgeous.

• 46:17Mae Martin?

  Do you think Angie would be a fun hang?

• 46:19Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm.

• 46:20Mae Martin?

  I think so.

• 46:21Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm.

• 46:22Mae Martin?

  Okay. All right. Nevermind. Moving on, moving swiftly on.

• 46:26Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, fun.

• 46:28Tig Notaro?

  Whee, that kind of fun?

• 46:31Fortune Feimster?

  That not, not that kind of fun, but probably would come up with a plan to save some people, save the world.

• 46:39Mae Martin?

  I think I could unlock like her, her, her, you know, previous wild child self.

• 46:46Fortune Feimster?

  I see.

• 46:46Mae Martin?

  I'd be like, let's have a nineties style night.

• 46:49Fortune Feimster?

  I see her watching someone be silly and going.

• 46:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:59Tig Notaro?

  Well, I heard she's a huge fan actually of our podcast.

• 47:02Mae Martin?

  Shut the, no. I would kill.

• 47:06Fortune Feimster?

  You never know. She might keep it handsome.

• 47:09Mae Martin?

  I truly wonder what I wrote in that letter though. I have no memory of it. Like what would I have been saying?

• 47:13Tig Notaro?

  Dearest Angelina.

• 47:14Fortune Feimster?

  Angelina did make a lot of lesbians, um, have sexual awakenings with the movie Gia.

• 47:20Mae Martin?

  Gia and also Foxfire.

• 47:23Fortune Feimster?

  She jumped, uh, up into a, um, a fence.

• 47:28Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 47:29Fortune Feimster?

  You know what I mean?

• 47:29Mae Martin?

  Shirtless. Yeah, I remember.

• 47:31Fortune Feimster?

  Shirtless. In a photo shoot and she just jumped up against a fence.

• 47:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:39Fortune Feimster?

  And every lesbian that watched it was like, okay.

• 47:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I remember she.

• 47:46Fortune Feimster?

  Things here.

• 47:47Mae Martin?

  In that movie, she sleeps with that woman and then the woman in the morning is like, I gotta go. And she is topless and she follows her out into like the stairwell of the apartment building, just topless. And the woman's all like, oh no, what if people see? And she goes, where does everybody have to go when they say they have to go? I thought that was so cool.

• 48:04Fortune Feimster?

  That's cool. Just titties everywhere.

• 48:08Tig Notaro?

  See, that does not do that for me.

• 48:12Mae Martin?

  Can you imagine?

• 48:13Fortune Feimster?

  You'd be like, this is gonna be hot, jump against a chain link fence.

• 48:17Tig Notaro?

  Get your boobs stuck in the chain link fence. No, I think it goes back to like it ha- they have to be funny or at least.

• 48:25Mae Martin?

  I know, I'm with you.

• 48:26Tig Notaro?

  Even if they're not funny, because like I get, I get why people are into like beauty, obviously, and sexy and like.

• 48:35Fortune Feimster?

  Personality matters.

• 48:36Tig Notaro?

  Fashion, but I really cannot even think twice about somebody unless they are funny. Or if they, they have to have a great sense of humor. And that's not to say people that are hot and high fashion, all that don't have a great sense of humor. But I like really to have a painful cackle.

• 49:00Mae Martin?

  I like people who, who laugh easily and laugh a lot at the, at the, at the right things. And yeah, I mean, all my current, I mean, the early awakenings were all these sort of icons, but I, were they? But now I, uh, yeah, it's got, you know, you got your Megan Mullally, Nick Offerman, these are Catherine Hahn, these, these are my.

• 49:21Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you're hot for Megan and Nick?

• 49:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah, remember we, well, we talked about it. Remember we talked about our, our crushes?

• 49:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, funny, funnier bust for me.

• 49:31Mae Martin?

  Cause I gotta be doing role plays that last days.

• 49:36Mae Martin?

  Well, should we hear what Nellie Furtado has to say?

• 49:38Fortune Feimster?

  Let's, let's hear it.

• 49:40Mae Martin?

  If she says that those three witches, she had a sex dream about them.

• 49:43Fortune Feimster?

  Julia Sugarbaker.

• 49:44Tig Notaro?

  Maybe it's us.

• 49:46Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 49:47Fortune Feimster?

  Please let it be Betty White or Julia Sugarbaker, AKA Dixie Carter.

• 49:52Tig Notaro?

  Thomas.

• 49:55Speaker 00

  When I was about thirteen, thirteen, I think, maybe thirteen, yeah, twelve, thirteen. Yeah, I had a poster, uh, or fourteen, of Mark Wahlberg Calvin Klein ad.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  Why does Marky Mark, and he's like, all about the Calvans? And, um, yeah, he was my first celebrity crush, I think, but then there's a, there's a better story to this. So years later, I was asked to be in a movie called Max Payne. It's based on a video game. I was asked to play a role. It's a short scene, but I'm at a wake. And my husband has just died and it's kind of Mark Wahlberg's character's fault. So I'm really angry at Mark Wahlberg in the scene. I don't remember the characters. I guess he's, is he Max Payne? He is. Anyways, so I'm in the scene. We're at a fictional wake. There's a lot of extras and there are a lot of people. I've hardly acted before.

• 50:48Speaker 00

  And I'm feeling the pressure. I'm like, Mark Wahlberg's about to walk on set. But not only do I have lines with him, I have to slap him in the face. So he comes out on set and because I'm a novice, I'm a singer, I'm not an actor. I actually thought that I could slap him several times right on the face to practice. So they're like, and action. And I'm like,

• 51:17Speaker 00

  and his face is getting red and he's like, wow. And he's so nice. He doesn't say like, we don't have to really practice the slap. And so I'm there just slapping Mark Wahlberg. Meanwhile, my fourteen year old self is like,

• 51:30Speaker 00

  and, uh, then, I mean, I barely got through the scene, but I, I made it happen. And then I couldn't cry. I was supposed to be sad and they had to put fake tears in my eyes. Anyways, that's my celebrity crush story, but I thought it was pretty damn good.

• 51:41Mae Martin?

  That is wild, just slapping the shit out of him over and over.

• 51:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 51:46Mae Martin?

  Oh my gosh.

• 51:47Tig Notaro?

  I'm surprised that they didn't say.

• 51:49Mae Martin?

  I know. Yeah. Like just say, oh, hey, by the way.

• 51:52Tig Notaro?

  Especially because you're not an actor.

• 51:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 51:55Tig Notaro?

  Maybe it's good. We tell you, don't actually hit him.

• 51:59Mae Martin?

  Our star, the star of our movie.

• 52:01Tig Notaro?

  I remember one time I was, um, uh,

• 52:04Fortune Feimster?

  He must have liked it.

• 52:05Tig Notaro?

  Sarah had the Sarah Silverman program on Comedy Central. I played a cop and, um, I filmed this episode and then I flew up to San Francisco for, you know, a weekend gig. I was there, whatever, Friday through Sunday. And no, I guess it was longer. It was when I was doing like a full week at a comedy club. And, um, I got a call from production that I had to fly, they were gonna fly me back down because I had to do a slap, like, I had to get slapped in the face. So I, they flew me down early in the morning. I went to set.

• 52:46Tig Notaro?

  I got slapped in the face and then they drove me back to the airport and I got back

• 52:52Mae Martin?

  That's really funny.

• 52:54Tig Notaro?

  In time.

• 52:55Mae Martin?

  And did they slap you for, did they slap you for real?

• 52:59Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 53:00Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 53:00Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 53:01Mae Martin?

  I got a slap coming up. I got slapped and I'm like, I think I'm not a good enough actor to do the, to act it. So I'm like,

• 53:07Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you can do it.

• 53:09Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 53:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 53:10Fortune Feimster?

  It depends on that. Some people wanna get, some people wanna get really slapped and some people don't.

• 53:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 53:16Tig Notaro?

  Not me.

• 53:16Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 53:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. I've been slapped a couple of times, but nothing too, too big.

• 53:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, no thanks.

• 53:23Fortune Feimster?

  But those Calvin Klein ads were pretty sexy.

• 53:26Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, they were. Yeah, they were crazy.

• 53:28Fortune Feimster?

  They got the guy from the bear in them now.

• 53:30Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:31Fortune Feimster?

  Jeremy Allen White.

• 53:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 53:32Tig Notaro?

  He does the commercials now?

• 53:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, he's in his panties on a rooftop.

• 53:37Tig Notaro?

  Ponties, Ponties.

• 53:39Mae Martin?

  Honest Ponties. I'd like to see our faces photoshopped onto the original Mark Wahlberg, uh, Calvin Klein ads.

• 53:45Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 53:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, could somebody make that happen, please?

• 53:50Tig Notaro?

  I mean, I imagine somebody's already done that, but could you please just reveal your

• 53:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 53:56Fortune Feimster?

  Isn't it's an easy lift.

• 53:58Mae Martin?

  Is that the face that you're gonna do? Were you practicing your face?

• 54:00Fortune Feimster?

  Like this? It's it's kinda like

• 54:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's pretty

• 54:02Fortune Feimster?

  It's smolder.

• 54:04Mae Martin?

  Okay, biting your lip or something. Yeah.

• 54:06Fortune Feimster?

  And you gotta be on a couch with your Calvin Kleins on and your wiener bulge.

• 54:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 54:13Fortune Feimster?

  You gotta have a wiener bulge in all these ads.

• 54:16Mae Martin?

  I'm just assuming they're padding that. They're padding that.

• 54:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, they put a they're definitely a sock in there.

• 54:22Tig Notaro?

  I doubt there's an actual sock.

• 54:25Mae Martin?

  I hope there's an actual sock.

• 54:26Fortune Feimster?

  Old school. Go old school. Come on.

• 54:29Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 54:30Fortune Feimster?

  Well, what a what another wonderful podcast.

• 54:33Mae Martin?

  This is a pleasure as always.

• 54:35Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast. Please, if you would like to start your holiday shopping early, go to tignotaro.com and get my brand new album that is the audio version of my special Hello Again. And all of my tour dates are on there, including Toronto and Los Angeles where I work out new material. So come on out and say hello again.

• 55:09Mae Martin?

  Fortune, what do you got coming up?

• 55:10Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I have a show this weekend, but in Santa Rosa, there might be a couple tickets that open up. But my big special that I'm excited about just got announced, it's coming out December 3rd on Netflix called Crushing It.

• 55:25Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 55:25Fortune Feimster?

  And I'm super stoked. I hope people will watch it.

• 55:28Mae Martin?

  That's really exciting.

• 55:30Fortune Feimster?

  Thanks, bud.

• 55:31Mae Martin?

  I'm just doing new material at Largo, November 5th, in Los Angeles, November 15th and December 4th. But also check out handsomepod.com. Check out our merch. If you like the show, subscribe.

• 55:45Tig Notaro?

  Tell your friends.

• 55:46Mae Martin?

  If you know Sugar Baker, what's her name?

• 55:48Fortune Feimster?

  Julia Sugar Baker.

• 55:50Tig Notaro?

  Hello, Julia Sugar Baker here.

• 55:53Fortune Feimster?

  How dare you come into my design office and say what you're saying? I will not stand for it. Not today, not tomorrow, but do you like the tiles in your kitchen?

• 56:08Tig Notaro?

  Is that verbatim?

• 56:09Fortune Feimster?

  No, I took some creative liberties.

• 56:14Fortune Feimster?

  Well, we appreciate everybody listening. We hope everybody's doing alright and we're sending love to everybody who needs it.

• 56:22Tig Notaro?

  Yes, and even people that don't need it, we're sending you love. Everybody needs love.

• 56:27Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 56:28Tig Notaro?

  And you know what else people need? They need you to send your favorite episodes of Handsome to them and be like, hey, check out this nonsense I'm listening to. Come join the Handsome crew.

• 56:42Fortune Feimster?

  It makes me and Angelina Jolie chuckle.

• 56:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, Angelina loves this show. Angelina.

• 56:49Fortune Feimster?

  All that's left is. Keep it handsome.

• 56:56Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 57:12Mae Martin?

  What a podcast.

• 57:18Tig Notaro?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast. Handsome's the audio version of my comedy special. Hello again, is available everywhere just in time for the holidays. Go to tignotaro.com to get a copy for you and a loved one now.

• 57:34Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I have enough tickets before getting in line for a ride at the fair? Tilt a whoopsie. I waited in line for so long, only to be turned away at the gate. Maybe I'll have more luck whacking a mole.

• 57:48Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 58:03Speaker 04

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris. And Hannah.

• 58:06Speaker 05

  Simone.

• 58:06Speaker 04

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dogged.

• 58:28Speaker 05

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 58:41Speaker 04

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 58:52Speaker 05

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.