Chelsea Peretti asks about auditions

Chelsea Peretti inspires Fortune, Mae, and Tig to share some of their wildest audition stories... plus a brand new Handsome song, body waxing, and more! Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here https://www.squadup.com/events/handsome-streaming-live-from-austin. Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:34Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom.

• 0:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:03Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 1:21Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:53Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSEN to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  Cheers.

• 2:18Tig Notaro?

  Hi, welcome to Handsome. What is your name? May.

• 2:25Tig Notaro?

  Mae Martin. Hello, and you are? Hi, I am Tig Notaro. We also have another host.

• 2:31Fortune Feimster?

  It's me, Fortune Feimster.

• 2:33Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it's little Fortune.

• 2:35Fortune Feimster?

  What's up? I'm here with my fig plant.

• 2:37Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it looks so good.

• 2:40Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie's over here. I'll reveal him later.

• 2:43Tig Notaro?

  Okay, alright.

• 2:44Fortune Feimster?

  He's getting into his outfit? Yeah, well, he's taking a nap right now.

• 2:48Tig Notaro?

  He's getting out of his outfit.

• 2:50Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 2:51Tig Notaro?

  He's getting into something a little more comfortable.

• 2:54Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie just got out of the tub and is slipping into something comfortable. What would he look like, um, fully shaved? He is shaved now, and if you let his hair grow out, he's like a big puffball. Right. This is the more, like, smaller version of him. Demure. Mm-hmm.

• 3:14Tig Notaro?

  Our kitty Fluff, um, we've been getting her shaved once or twice a year because she, I mean, when we got her, she was not fluffy, and she somehow overheard and understood what her name was, and she is just a fluffball. And so, for, I don't know if we're projecting, but it feels like she's happier when we have her shaved. But, we noticed she had a little boo-boo on her, um, on her stomach.

• 3:43Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 3:43Tig Notaro?

  And, uh, and the vet came to the house, and they think it was when she got shaved.

• 3:50Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, a little nick.

• 3:51Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:52Fortune Feimster?

  That's happened to Biggie.

• 3:54Tig Notaro?

  And it happens to be in the shape of the, uh, Star Trek emblem. That isn't weird enough. Yeah, the vet was like, you know how the Star Trek emblem looks? And I was like, I'm somewhat familiar, yeah.

• 4:08Tig Notaro?

  So, yeah, we, we had to, that was just before we got on. We had a little, uh, fluff pinned down and getting some meds and, oh my god. So, but she's doing well. She's doing well. But she got shaved and she got nicked.

• 4:23Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie got nicked in his butthole once.

• 4:26Tig Notaro?

  Excuse me? Is this related or unrelated?

• 4:30Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 4:31Tig Notaro?

  Inside?

• 4:31Fortune Feimster?

  The groomer was like shaving around his butt and somehow nicked his butthole.

• 4:36Mae Martin?

  See, this is why I've never had a Brazilian wax or anything like that.

• 4:40Fortune Feimster?

  Don't do it, May.

• 4:42Mae Martin?

  No, I would never.

• 4:43Tig Notaro?

  Have you ever done it before, Chad?

• 4:45Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, all the time.

• 4:49Tig Notaro?

  What if that was my thing?

• 4:51Fortune Feimster?

  I've gotta go get my butthole waxed.

• 4:55Tig Notaro?

  Nicked. I have to go get it nicked.

• 4:57Fortune Feimster?

  I will say I want, I've only one time in my life got a wax down there.

• 5:04Tig Notaro?

  Down where? Like in Texas?

• 5:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, down in Texas. I did it once. I went to a place where they did the thing and it was the most horrible.

• 5:14Tig Notaro?

  Like a full-on, like a full-on everything gone?

• 5:16Fortune Feimster?

  Beaver situation.

• 5:20Fortune Feimster?

  Cause I, it was back in the day when I was trying to be more.

• 5:22Tig Notaro?

  What would call for that in your life?

• 5:24Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I was, it was, I don't know if I was, I might've been in the closet still and I was trying to be more feminine and I was like, everybody else, all the other girls are doing it.

• 5:35Tig Notaro?

  Trying to lure the boys.

• 5:36Fortune Feimster?

  I went to a place and they put the wax on and ripped the stuff and someone was just staring at your cooter. And I'm like, what am I, who is this for? What am I doing?

• 5:49Fortune Feimster?

  I think I was single. Like, no one's seeing this.

• 5:52Mae Martin?

  You didn't, yeah, it wasn't in preparation for some hot thing.

• 5:55Fortune Feimster?

  I think I did it for myself. And then I was like, you know, it turns out I don't need this.

• 5:59Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 6:00Fortune Feimster?

  It's painful, too.

• 6:02Tig Notaro?

  Seems like it'd be real itchy in the grow back.

• 6:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, later.

• 6:05Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm. So were you itching your crotch?

• 6:07Fortune Feimster?

  I was itching my cooch. My coochie.

• 6:11Tig Notaro?

  My Kate Macucci.

• 6:12Mae Martin?

  I miss this, you know, guys. I really, I miss this.

• 6:17Fortune Feimster?

  You know, Kate, Kate Macucci.

• 6:19Tig Notaro?

  Kate Macucci moved herself to New York City.

• 6:24Mae Martin?

  That's where I am right now. Should I look her up?

• 6:26Tig Notaro?

  Well, yeah, if you have a phone book, Mary, what do you mean, look her up?

• 6:30Mae Martin?

  Let me get the old Yellow Pages out. Flip through to Macucci.

• 6:34Tig Notaro?

  Wait, oh, you have your show in New York?

• 6:37Mae Martin?

  I had my show last night in New York. Yeah, I'm on, I'm on tour right now.

• 6:40Fortune Feimster?

  How's it going?

• 6:42Mae Martin?

  Well, I don't know. I mean, you guys tour. I'm not a big tourer and it's crazy. I'm doing these music shows and a lot of handsome merch in the crowd, a lot of sweet, angelic handsome fans shouting, "Keep it handsome," while I'm trying to be a serious musician.

• 6:59Fortune Feimster?

  Guys, I'm trying to get into the song.

• 7:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's been so insanely fun, though. It's

• 7:07Mae Martin?

  Thanks. I'm really, I'm digging it.

• 7:10Tig Notaro?

  Can I say something?

• 7:11Mae Martin?

  Uh, maybe later.

• 7:14Tig Notaro?

  Were you up late last night?

• 7:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah, how do you know that?

• 7:18Tig Notaro?

  And I was gonna say, or have you like increased your deep voiceness somehow?

• 7:25Mae Martin?

  You know what? I noticed that too. I think I am very tired and I've also been singing a lot and using my voice. But why? Do I sound sexy?

• 7:37Tig Notaro?

  Well, let's relax here. Of course, always. But yeah, no, it just sounds like I wasn't sure if it was the testosterone or what was going on.

• 7:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it could be that. You know what's weird is like some of the songs that I recorded like a year ago, I can't hit those notes so much anymore. I'm like slightly changing the key when I play them live.

• 7:58Tig Notaro?

  We sing well together. I can't ever hit the key.

• 8:01Mae Martin?

  Really? Oh, yeah, we'd be freestyling.

• 8:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 8:04Fortune Feimster?

  You'd be singing down here. We're singing down here.

• 8:08Tig Notaro?

  We're singing up here. We're singing up here.

• 8:12Fortune Feimster?

  We're singing up here. We're singing down here. We're singing down here. I did see Cynthia Revo and I went

• 8:25Mae Martin?

  She was like, okay.

• 8:28Mae Martin?

  Oh, you did that at her?

• 8:29Fortune Feimster?

  To her, yes, of course.

• 8:31Mae Martin?

  No, you saw her and you went

• 8:34Fortune Feimster?

  I said, Cynthia.

• 8:38Tig Notaro?

  And what was her response?

• 8:39Fortune Feimster?

  She laughed. I mean, she laughed, but also she probably got in that quite a bit.

• 8:44Mae Martin?

  I actually don't think she has, probably. It's pretty wild.

• 8:48Tig Notaro?

  It's pretty bold.

• 8:49Mae Martin?

  It's bold.

• 8:50Tig Notaro?

  More than wild, it's bold.

• 8:54Fortune Feimster?

  She was awesome though. She sat and chatted with us for a while, but that is how I started the conversation.

• 8:59Mae Martin?

  That's amazing.

• 9:00Tig Notaro?

  And maybe next time you see her, you can be like, we're singing down here.

• 9:10Mae Martin?

  I wish you guys were here in New York. I feel like we'd have a good time. I don't come here a lot and it's so new, it's so New York. Like I walked past Carnegie Hall and

• 9:20Fortune Feimster?

  I would love to hang out with you in New York.

• 9:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we'd go out in the town.

• 9:25Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe we can do a handsome show there at some point.

• 9:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, why haven't we done, we should do that.

• 9:30Tig Notaro?

  I told one of the cadets on Star Trek that I did Carnegie Hall and she goes, what? You're not, um, Liza Minnelli.

• 9:43Mae Martin?

  That's the only person who can do Carnegie Hall. That's what I said.

• 9:46Fortune Feimster?

  Everybody's doing Carnegie Hall.

• 9:49Mae Martin?

  Hey, that's a good Liza.

• 9:51Tig Notaro?

  We're singing up here. We're singing up here. Anyway, I thought that was such a funny response to, uh, like she did not believe me that I did Carnegie Hall. Did not believe me.

• 10:01Mae Martin?

  I didn't know you did.

• 10:03Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't know you did either.

• 10:04Tig Notaro?

  Now you know, but do you believe me at least?

• 10:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm not suspicious about it at all.

• 10:09Fortune Feimster?

  You're telling us.

• 10:12Tig Notaro?

  But, uh, yeah, I guess that's reserved for Liza Minnelli and not Tig Notaro.

• 10:18Mae Martin?

  I walked past, um, a Benihana today and I thought, I'm gonna ask Tig and Fortune what a Benihana is.

• 10:26Tig Notaro?

  Oh, first of all, Thomas, put it on the list. And it's so crazy you're bringing this up.

• 10:31Fortune Feimster?

  Put it on the list because I love a hibachi situation.

• 10:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And we told Max and Finn, we want to bring them to Benihana just the other day.

• 10:40Mae Martin?

  Let's do it.

• 10:41Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 10:41Fortune Feimster?

  I want to go.

• 10:42Mae Martin?

  It's one of those words. It's like when I first moved to the States and like Trader Joe's, I was like, what the hell is that? And I've never, I've always heard the word, the phrase, Benihana, is it a phrase?

• 10:53Fortune Feimster?

  Well, it's the name of a, it's the name of a hibachi restaurant.

• 10:57Mae Martin?

  What's hibachi? Like a grill?

• 10:59Fortune Feimster?

  So it's Japanese and you know, have you ever seen the, the guys with the big grill and the people are sitting around the grill? And the guys are like doing the thing and they're throwing shrimp. They're chopping and they're, they throw shrimp and you catch it and everyone's like, ah.

• 11:15Tig Notaro?

  And then they cut through it in the air or whatever. I don't know. Maybe I made that up, but they should cut through it.

• 11:21Fortune Feimster?

  It's like rice and veggies and, and if, if you eat meat, steak, chicken or shrimp or all of the above. Uh, and they make it in front of you and then put it on your plate. And it's, one of my favorite meals is a hibachi steakhouse.

• 11:37Tig Notaro?

  I mean, somebody that makes TV shows, how are you not scooping us up and, um, and putting out, put it on the list, Thomas? How is that not a TV show?

• 11:48Fortune Feimster?

  How is it not?

• 11:50Mae Martin?

  Wait, what do you mean? You want a TV show about us going to Benny Hahn?

• 11:53Tig Notaro?

  No, us doing all of the list.

• 11:55Mae Martin?

  Oh, fuck, yeah. Yeah, you're so right. Why do we pitch that?

• 11:59Fortune Feimster?

  It's called put it on the list.

• 12:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. We just pitched it and we will now receive offers. Go on Fortune. What is your favorite?

• 12:06Fortune Feimster?

  My favorite hibachi steakhouse of all time is in Raleigh, North Carolina, and it's called Conkey.

• 12:14Mae Martin?

  Conkey.

• 12:15Fortune Feimster?

  Now, the trick is, you know, the, the steak and the veggies and the rice, fairly healthy, but I like to make it unhealthy. They have something called shrimp sauce, which is like, um, it looks like Thousand Island, but it's not Thousand Island, but it's in that family. And you just.

• 12:33Tig Notaro?

  It's shrimp sauce.

• 12:34Fortune Feimster?

  You just dump it all over your food and it's so good.

• 12:37Mae Martin?

  Is it like blended shrimp?

• 12:40Fortune Feimster?

  No, I don't know why it's called shrimp sauce. Cause I don't think shrimp is involved.

• 12:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

• 12:45Fortune Feimster?

  It's so good. My hometown has a fast food hibachi restaurant and it's like the light of my life.

• 12:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, this is, I'm hungry.

• 12:54Tig Notaro?

  You do look really happy talking about it.

• 12:57Fortune Feimster?

  I'm really, actually am. You can hire hibachi, uh, people to come to your house and do a private hibachi event.

• 13:04Mae Martin?

  They bring their own kind of big metal table or whatever?

• 13:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 13:07Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 13:08Tig Notaro?

  We're singing up here.

• 13:12Mae Martin?

  I'm about to go to, um, London tomorrow and, um, and I'm going to see Debbie, the hairdresser.

• 13:17Tig Notaro?

  Oh my gosh. And you know what? I never thought I'd see you again. Oh, I was beginning to wonder. You have me to thank. I reminded you to, to look her up since you look people up in phone books.

• 13:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm gonna get the yellow pages out. And I was gonna, I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, but she's, she's ill or she's not available. So it's not, she's not gonna be the host. And I was so pumped to talk about how much we love her on the pod.

• 13:44Tig Notaro?

  I know. She gave us a handsome question.

• 13:46Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 13:47Tig Notaro?

  So who's hosting?

• 13:49Mae Martin?

  Andy Cohen is hosting.

• 13:51Tig Notaro?

  Well, that'd be fun.

• 13:52Mae Martin?

  I hope it'll be fun. I find him kind of intimidating. I, I think he's very funny, but um,

• 13:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 13:57Mae Martin?

  I'm gonna, I don't know. I feel like I'm gonna wanna be charming or something.

• 14:01Tig Notaro?

  You'll be great. Just be yourself.

• 14:02Fortune Feimster?

  Bad attitude and everything will fall in place.

• 14:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah, my usual bad attitude. Yeah.

• 14:07Fortune Feimster?

  A handsome listener said, I don't know, it was a couple of weeks ago, whenever Jon Hamm was on Andy Cohen's show, uh, they always get a question from a person on Zoom and they called him Ham, Jon Hamsome, and said they got it from hearing our podcast. I didn't see it, but a listener said that.

• 14:31Mae Martin?

  Wait, but did we say Jon Hampson? Ham, Hamsome?

• 14:35Fortune Feimster?

  I guess.

• 14:36Mae Martin?

  We did, I guess.

• 14:37Tig Notaro?

  Wait, they talked about it on a TV show?

• 14:39Fortune Feimster?

  On Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen's show.

• 14:42Mae Martin?

  Someone called him Jon Hamsome.

• 14:43Fortune Feimster?

  They always take a, for each guest, they give a question, they have someone zoom in, an audience fan or whatever.

• 14:50Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 14:51Fortune Feimster?

  And they ask that celebrity a question and they ask him a question, but before they ask the question, they, they called him Jon Hamsome and said they got it from listening to the handsome pod.

• 15:02Mae Martin?

  Do you guys remember anything we've ever said on this pod? I don't, I don't think.

• 15:07Tig Notaro?

  No. And then what's worse is that we record a little bit in advance and so then we don't, we really don't remember what we've said.

• 15:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:16Fortune Feimster?

  They said for pineapple apart, we'll always be with us.

• 15:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, ghost.

• 15:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we know that.

• 15:21Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 15:21Mae Martin?

  At these meet and greets, I'm doing these meet and greets and then people show up with really niche. Presence for me that like they know me so well from the pod, but I don't remember what I've said or how they like someone came with a, she's like, here's a selenite crystal to put at the altar in the, in your backyard of the concrete cat. And I was like, fuck, people know me better than I know myself. Or, or other things too, like really specific things from the pod. It's really nice.

• 15:49Fortune Feimster?

  We do have on our Instagram page, occasionally who said what? So we can go through, there are times that our listeners can see what things we've said. We also had a handsome handbook for any new listeners that wanted to get caught up with some of our phrases and whatnot.

• 16:07Mae Martin?

  The lore, the deep lore.

• 16:09Fortune Feimster?

  There on our Instagram page.

• 16:10Tig Notaro?

  This is very unrelated, but it goes back to Fluff getting nicked and buzzed. My office here at home, the office doors are glass, but they're like the frosted glass. At one point, Fluff did appear behind the frosted glass and then ran off. So.

• 16:33Mae Martin?

  Now?

• 16:34Tig Notaro?

  A little while ago, and I meant to say it when it happened, but we are so far beyond it, but I still couldn't let it go.

• 16:41Mae Martin?

  So you just saw an outline dash away?

• 16:44Tig Notaro?

  Kind of a, a, a black figure and then, and then she just bolted.

• 16:50Mae Martin?

  Could have been a ghost.

• 16:51Tig Notaro?

  I, yeah, it could have been a cat ghost. Are there cat ghosts?

• 16:55Mae Martin?

  Great question. How come you never hear about animal ghosts? I have an image in my mind of some kind of dog ghost from some kid's cartoon and it's wearing a little sheet or something. But aside from that.

• 17:07Tig Notaro?

  Oh my gosh. What am I talking about? Edie Bruchel, we've, I've told you about, her sophomore album is called Ghost of a Dog.

• 17:17Mae Martin?

  Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So they're real.

• 17:20Tig Notaro?

  You put it, you put it on your list to get that album and I hope you have or will because it is a masterpiece.

• 17:27Mae Martin?

  I mean, I have these little notepads when we're recording and I scribble down, like if you recommend a book or something and then, but then this is what I, like sometimes I just am scribbling weird stuff.

• 17:38Fortune Feimster?

  Creature?

• 17:39Mae Martin?

  I guess I doodled this woman with the boobs and.

• 17:43Fortune Feimster?

  With boobies. She looks like someone who's looking for a good motorboat.

• 17:50Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune Marie. She's in the market for a.

• 17:55Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune Marie. I'll hear of the open motorboat.

• 18:05Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I've got a little snack with me before I leave the house. My stomach and I are grumbling. I thought I'd be able to grab a bite in between meetings, but now it's getting late and I could really use a candy bar.

• 18:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 18:34Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 18:56Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand vetted by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I use Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything. I've gotten on Wayfair and I know you will too.

• 19:24Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 19:40Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 20:01Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $235 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 20:25Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show.

• 20:45Mae Martin?

  I should have you on the tour, come out and I wish you guys were, if we were in the same city, then you guys should come out and you were on a cruise.

• 20:52Fortune Feimster?

  I was on, I took my mom on a gay cruise.

• 20:55Mae Martin?

  Okay, tell us about that.

• 20:56Tig Notaro?

  Did she hook up?

• 20:59Fortune Feimster?

  Did we?

• 21:00Tig Notaro?

  Did she?

• 21:02Tig Notaro?

  Did she hook up on the cruise? Did she find love?

• 21:05Fortune Feimster?

  She did not find, well, she found platonic love all over the ship for, we were on the ship for three and a half days.

• 21:12Tig Notaro?

  Was it an Olivia cruise, one of those?

• 21:14Fortune Feimster?

  It was Atlantis, so gay men.

• 21:17Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it was all gay men?

• 21:19Fortune Feimster?

  It was my mom and I and 2,000 gay men.

• 21:22Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my, how did you, and you were performing on this?

• 21:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, they asked me kind of last minute. It was like four days before and, and I get, I get asked to do cruises a lot and I just can't, my schedule's too crazy. But my tour doesn't start till April and I was like, well, I could. And, and Jax had said, like, you should take your mom on a cruise, because I had talked about going on a cruise with her in my last special. And I was like, actually, that might be kind of fun. So I was like, hey, what are you doing? Do you have a passport? And she's like, yeah.

• 21:56Mae Martin?

  Do you have a passport?

• 21:58Tig Notaro?

  And had you ever taken her on a cruise?

• 22:00Fortune Feimster?

  I took, I took her on a cruise like 12 years ago, but we were in the same room, which is tough, because you need a minute. It's a lot of time. Together and um and it was a Holland American cruise and like everyone was old and it was just we were bored and like she was not bored, I was bored. But this cruise was Virgin now has cruises and it's not like those like cattle call type cruises where there's giant buffets and it's like eight restaurants. You just go eat like you do at a restaurant. It's like updated and modern and nice. It didn't feel gross and yucky and all

• 22:42Fortune Feimster?

  the guys like treated my mom couldn't my mom couldn't walk two feet without being stopped and told how wonderful she is and loved and she was in heaven.

• 22:51Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 22:53Fortune Feimster?

  And um and you know, it's it was it was it always always gives me a new appreciation for her as well because you know, there's so many gay people and I don't think our our straight friends maybe realize this as much, but there are a number of gay people who are still

• 23:12Fortune Feimster?

  closeted. disowned by their families when they come out and especially there's a number of older gay men who you know, haven't some of them haven't talked to their moms in 20 years. And um so when they see when they see my mom, you know, she gives them a hug because they'll tell her like my mom hasn't talked to me in 20 years and she gives them a big hug and she's like, that's a mama hug for you. And and she has been like come up and tell her how much they appreciate her support and allyship and she had a lovely man tell her that like his partner is like he's like, my partner is the best guy I know. He said has such a big

• 23:53Fortune Feimster?

  heart. His family won't have anything to do with him because he's gay. Um and he started tearing up telling my mom this. Um so you know, she just symbolizes like any mom that supports their their gay or queer kid like it's just a symbol of like acceptance and love and there's so many in our community who need them.

• 24:16Mae Martin?

  Especially like a sort of a southern mom of like that is so nice.

• 24:21Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 24:21Mae Martin?

  Imagine though, if they took it too far, like all the annoying things about parenting someone like if she started, I don't know. I can't think of anything funny.

• 24:31Tig Notaro?

  You have ketchup on your face.

• 24:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:33Fortune Feimster?

  That type of thing. She started criticizing.

• 24:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah, or they started having big, yeah.

• 24:38Tig Notaro?

  But you know, when you-

• 24:39Mae Martin?

  Breastfeeding them all. Oh, sorry.

• 24:41Tig Notaro?

  When you said allyship, I just realized that's a good name for a-

• 24:46Mae Martin?

  For a cruise.

• 24:48Tig Notaro?

  There you go. I did one cruise, I think, like, so long ago. And what really struck me about them is that on cruises is that a lot of people come from areas that they have to be closeted.

• 25:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:08Tig Notaro?

  You know, very small or rural towns. And this is a way for them to find and connect with their community.

• 25:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:17Tig Notaro?

  It's pretty incredible.

• 25:19Mae Martin?

  I always feel like the, because I watched that show Below Deck. I always feel like the staff on a cruise ship must have a bond. There must be a lot of interpersonal dynamics and like-

• 25:27Tig Notaro?

  Have you ever seen Love Boat?

• 25:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Nobody's- Is that what that's about, the staff on a cruise?

• 25:36Fortune Feimster?

  Everybody's in love on the Love Boat.

• 25:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:39Mae Martin?

  I could picture us working a cruise ship in our, in a little captain's hat. Maybe Tig, you got a captain's hat.

• 25:44Fortune Feimster?

  What if, what if at some point the handsome pod, you know, you can like throw your own cruises?

• 25:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like Backstreet Boys does one.

• 25:51Fortune Feimster?

  What if handsome pod throws a cruise at some point? We gotta do it on one of these ships, though.

• 25:58Mae Martin?

  Well, one of the nice ones. See, I think I have a, I'm too scared. I-

• 26:02Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you don't want to be on a ship?

• 26:03Mae Martin?

  That movie Poseidon, like, I just feel like a rogue wave is gonna come and then we're gonna be fighting for that bubble there that's in the one-

• 26:11Tig Notaro?

  But how fun to get in one of the little yellow rafts and like, you know.

• 26:16Fortune Feimster?

  How fun.

• 26:17Mae Martin?

  How fun.

• 26:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, just paddle back home. Now, here's my question about the ships these days. Are people walking around in masks at all?

• 26:27Fortune Feimster?

  Not, no.

• 26:28Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 26:29Fortune Feimster?

  There was like, I saw maybe two masks the whole time.

• 26:32Tig Notaro?

  I just remember, you know, when COVID happened.

• 26:35Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:35Tig Notaro?

  People were like, oh, cruises are gonna go away for good.

• 26:38Fortune Feimster?

  When COVID happens, you don't, you don't want to be on a cruise, that's for sure.

• 26:41Tig Notaro?

  I was actually booked on a cruise. That was gonna be my second cruise. Yeah, Melissa Etheridge was hosting a cruise. I was booked to perform on her cruise and-

• 26:51Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, man, and then it never happened?

• 26:53Tig Notaro?

  We know, we kept holding out, holding out, and then it reached a point, I was like- I'm out.

• 26:58Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 27:00Tig Notaro?

  And then they canceled the cruise and I don't know what the order of events were.

• 27:04Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 27:04Tig Notaro?

  I don't want to make it sound like Melissa was like, we must continue to cruise.

• 27:12Fortune Feimster?

  Well, it gave me a renewed sense of cruisin'.

• 27:14Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 27:15Fortune Feimster?

  I like cruisin'. It was a fun, it was a fun escape, you know, just because all the men on the ship were so happy and

• 27:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 27:24Fortune Feimster?

  dancing and fun. And it just was like, there's no drama, just lightness, just like.

• 27:30Tig Notaro?

  No drama with 2,000 gay guys?

• 27:32Fortune Feimster?

  No drama. They don't, they, they don't be sweating stuff on that boat.

• 27:37Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 27:37Fortune Feimster?

  They're all hugging and tugging.

• 27:39Tig Notaro?

  That is the hugging and tugging.

• 27:42Fortune Feimster?

  Everyone's hugging and tugging. What's there to be?

• 27:45Tig Notaro?

  Is that a saying? Is that a saying?

• 27:48Fortune Feimster?

  I just said it.

• 27:51Fortune Feimster?

  If you just thought of that of your own accord, that's really good. Well, the word tug's been on my mind because the, on the side of the ship, it said, no tug. And so I would joke with my mom, no tugging on the ship.

• 28:03Tig Notaro?

  Hmm. It's a full blown tug boat. So I just, but I just thought of hugging and tugging. That's real good.

• 28:11Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you. Solid. Yeah, but when you're on a boat with, and there were some really good looking guys too. I was like, yeah, this is like, if you were a gay man, you better get on this cruise.

• 28:21Tig Notaro?

  Did it make you want to wax your crotch?

• 28:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I went straight to that.

• 28:27Fortune Feimster?

  On the ship and said, get her done. Get her done.

• 28:31Tig Notaro?

  Get her done.

• 28:34Fortune Feimster?

  I never want to get, I never want that experience again.

• 28:37Tig Notaro?

  You know what? Put it on the list anyway, Thomas. Should we get to our question?

• 28:42Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, let's do it. Today's question asker is a standup comedian, actress and writer who played Gina Lanetti on the hit comedy series, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. She's written for shows like Parks and Rec, Saturday Night Live, The Kroll Show, and she wrote and directed and starred in the film, first time female director. She also hosts the podcast called Chelsea Peretti. Chelsea Peretti is asking today's question.

• 29:10Speaker 04

  Um, okay. Hey handsome podcast. I'm Chelsea Prey. I have a question for you, which is, to what lengths have you gone to nail an audition historically? Have you dressed up in costumes? Have you used props? Have you pantomimed?

• 29:31Speaker 04

  Has your audition process changed um, over time? Are you offer only, etc. Okay, thank you.

• 29:40Mae Martin?

  I really loved the position of her hands. Yeah.

• 29:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, she seems like a very serious lecturer.

• 29:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm a deep Chelsea fan and I listened to that pod and I did when it first started too and it blew my fucking mind. It was so funny.

• 29:54Fortune Feimster?

  Funny. She's just so unique in her perspective and funny.

• 29:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 29:59Fortune Feimster?

  And her husband, Jordan Peele is obviously a amazing filmmaker and comedian. That's a lot of talent in one family.

• 30:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, seriously.

• 30:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. And their son is a real talent.

• 30:12Mae Martin?

  I'm sure.

• 30:15Tig Notaro?

  I'm just assuming he's got, you know.

• 30:18Fortune Feimster?

  A book deal. He's like, I hate the biz. Stop talking about movies.

• 30:25Mae Martin?

  Are you guys good at auditioning?

• 30:27Tig Notaro?

  No. Oh, my God. I'm amazing.

• 30:33Fortune Feimster?

  I'm so, I'm, I've gotten better just out of necessity, but I'm not great.

• 30:39Mae Martin?

  Yes, same.

• 30:40Fortune Feimster?

  Most of the stuff I've done on movies and TVs were offer only.

• 30:44Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 30:45Fortune Feimster?

  The things that I've tried for, I've not gotten.

• 30:49Mae Martin?

  That's, I'm similar, like the more I want something, the worse I do and the like, I, I get really nervous, but then self tapes are easier, like when you send in a tape or something. Do you guys know the story about, you know, the actor from, she played the replicant in Blade Runner, like the beautiful replicant and she's been in tons of stuff and she kind of disappeared in the eighties. She was huge. Anyway, she really wanted to play Catwoman in the Tim Burton, in the Tim Burton Batman. And so she hid in his trailer, dressed like Catwoman. And when he went in, she pounced on him and had to be removed.

• 31:25Tig Notaro?

  Wow. Was she freshly shaved?

• 31:28Mae Martin?

  She probably was nicked and shaved too.

• 31:31Tig Notaro?

  Shaved and nicked.

• 31:33Fortune Feimster?

  That is definitely not a way to get hired.

• 31:37Mae Martin?

  No.

• 31:37Fortune Feimster?

  Scaring the crap out of a director and being hauled off by security.

• 31:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:44Fortune Feimster?

  That is noted. I, I don't have, I don't think I've even, I've heard of people doing some nutty stuff. It doesn't even occur to me to do anything outside of the box.

• 31:55Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 31:56Fortune Feimster?

  You know what I mean?

• 31:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah, because I feel like, and maybe all of us have been on the other side of it where we're casting people or we're looking at tapes and things and you just know that it's often within a second, you know, and it's not even to do with the, it's just what you have in your head and it could be so intangible. Like, um, it could be their voice or the way they, like, it's not gonna make a difference if they're wearing cat ears, you know?

• 32:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 32:19Tig Notaro?

  Nothing at all. Yeah, you could have pigtails and just, uh,

• 32:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:25Tig Notaro?

  chocolate on your face and people, if they know you're the one, you're the one.

• 32:31Mae Martin?

  I feel like you'd be good at auditions because you don't radiate desperation. I've never seen you radiate desperation. Maybe you do sometimes, but I've never seen it. And I feel like you could just go in and if you, you know, if you're calm, you act like you don't need it. That's when you, that's when you get it.

• 32:47Tig Notaro?

  The first time I auditioned for something, I was an assistant at the director Sam Ramey's company.

• 32:54Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 32:55Tig Notaro?

  He brought me in to audition for a role in Spider-Man. We worked at Universal Studios, um, which was, you know, in the valley and his, uh, the casting was at Sony Pictures. And it was at like four or five o'clock in the afternoon and they let me off work to go to Sam's, to the casting, uh, session at Sony. And if you know LA, that's a hell ride at that hour to get from Universal to Sony at that hour. And so I was an assistant. I was let off work. I go out there and I didn't even know what sides were. Sides are like just, you know, they were like, oh, here's, here are your sides. And I was like,

• 33:40Mae Martin?

  Right, like the scene you're auditioning with.

• 33:42Tig Notaro?

  It's, it's just the scene that they pulled from the script that you're in. I was like, okay, learned that. And then I went in and

• 33:52Tig Notaro?

  I was so uncomfortable and nervous. I was shaking and sweating. Yeah. Fumbling through my lines. I was probably, I was like 28 years old or something. And, uh, and they just were like, okay, thank you. And then I got in my car and I had to go back to work in the valley. And, and I was driving back to Universal going, what in the hell did I just do? I just drove over an hour to shake and sweat on camera in front of my boss. Like he wasn't in the room, but he, you know, he's going to see the tape. Maybe they didn't even send it to him. I'm sure.

• 34:36Tig Notaro?

  And then I got back in the car minutes later and drove back. And then years later, I was doing a movie with Octavia Spencer. And we were talking about, she mentioned how she, um, her kind of first big thing that she got was this role on Spider-Man, in the Spider-Man movie. And it was that role. Oh my God. Oh my God. Not only that, and the role is she's the one standing outside of the wrestling rink, checking the different characters in before they- I think I know that role. That's Octavia Spencer.

• 35:12Fortune Feimster?

  I also auditioned for that.

• 35:14Tig Notaro?

  Did you? Oh, you didn't? Oh, okay. So Octavia's like, yeah, that, I got that role. When I, I was like, oh my God, I auditioned. I worked for Sam Raimi when I first moved to LA. And she was like, yeah, she said, I was the casting assistant for that movie. No. And they let me, um, and they let me audition. And she said, and honestly, I think I remember them flagging that this was the assistant from Sam's office. Hilarious. Unbelievable, unbelievable. And they gave her the part. She got the part and she has the Oscar for, you know, she's of course-

• 35:59Tig Notaro?

  We're very similar. Yes. Do we know it's him or Octavia?

• 36:09Tig Notaro?

  I wasn't somebody that moved to LA to be an actor.

• 36:12Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 36:13Tig Notaro?

  I think once I got my bearings in standup and that kind of built my confidence in a very different, new way.

• 36:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 36:22Tig Notaro?

  It just, I think over the years.

• 36:25Mae Martin?

  It's too scary.

• 36:26Tig Notaro?

  And not because I'm, I think I'm great at acting, but I am mostly all for only because I...

• 36:34Mae Martin?

  People know what you do. They know they want Tignas.

• 36:37Tig Notaro?

  It's like, I, whenever I always make the joke that when a director's walking towards me on set to give me a note, I always stop him and say, "Before you say anything, I have no range, but go ahead. What were you gonna say?"

• 36:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm the same. Like, I've done only a handful of like proper auditions where you wait in line and you go, and they call your name and you go in and, and I'm so scared. But when I was a kid, like maybe I was 10 or 11 and I auditioned for Oliver Twist, the musical, to play the Artful Dodger.

• 37:06Tig Notaro?

  Of course you did.

• 37:07Mae Martin?

  I'm sure I've told this, but I, yeah, to play the Artful Dodger and I dressed up in tartan trousers, little waistcoat, and I went in and it was a bunch of boys, but I had short hair and I just sing, I had to learn this whole song and sing with a pianist. "Consider yourself well-in, consider yourself one of the family," like that. And I was so invested in this fantasy of getting that part. And it was at like a West End theater in Toronto and my parents had like let me answer this cattle call. And I got down to the final too. And then I had to go to summer camp and I just thought, any minute now, they're gonna come and take me out of camp and be like, "Kid, you're a star."

• 37:45Tig Notaro?

  You got what it takes.

• 37:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And obviously a boy got it.

• 37:50Tig Notaro?

  And you were, "Sing it up here, you were singing up here."

• 37:54Mae Martin?

  Singing up here. Yeah. Yeah. But I was radiating desperation. That's...

• 37:58Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:59Mae Martin?

  It's so scary.

• 38:00Fortune Feimster?

  When I was a kid, I guess I had always sort of had some interest in the biz, though it was so far removed from me for the most part. But I remember when I was like 10, they did a open casting. It was like a Nickelodeon show. I can't remember. It was like Wet and Wild or something. It was, I don't, I don't remember the name. It was like where kids did all this stuff outside where like... Games, you know, or like going that where like there's water and stuff. Um, I don't, yeah. And so they had it at the mall where kids could like wait in line. And then they brought you into a room, like 20 kids at a time.

• 38:39Fortune Feimster?

  And a producer basically is just like, what kid looks like good on would look cool and fun on TV? And so I dragged my dad to the mall in Charlotte. I was like, we gotta go. I gotta be on this show and I made him take me to McDonald's before we, before we went in there. And I had grape jelly like running down my shirt and I was ginormous. I was like, this fat, fat kid and I'm

• 39:08Mae Martin?

  I'm picturing you in a bonnet.

• 39:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. And I was just waiting. I mean, we waited for like four hours to finally get in this room. And I'm like, like waiting with all these kids to be like, come on, man. Don't you want me on the show? And he's like looking around, looking around and he sees me to go, ooh.

• 39:26Mae Martin?

  No. What do you mean? No, he actually went, ooh.

• 39:29Fortune Feimster?

  He like did a, ooh.

• 39:32Mae Martin?

  He needs to go to hell with Satan. He needs to be living with Satan in hell.

• 39:36Tig Notaro?

  Thing I've ever heard. And I've heard really terrible things in my life.

• 39:42Fortune Feimster?

  I, I had not, I had not reached my peak yet. I had not painted to the swan I am now. It made me laugh. And guess what? I made my dad go back the next day and he goes, come on.

• 39:54Fortune Feimster?

  Clearly my skin was very thick because I was like, let's, I'm gonna need to go back.

• 40:02Tig Notaro?

  That is a great ending to that story because I am outraged. I cannot imagine anybody.

• 40:11Mae Martin?

  Can you imagine how dark your soul has to be to be like, I for my job, I'm going to make kids line up and they're all going to be nervous and then I'm going to put them down. Yeah.

• 40:20Tig Notaro?

  Also, what you described about baby fortune?

• 40:25Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 40:27Tig Notaro?

  I would be all eyes on you. I'd be like, here's our star.

• 40:31Fortune Feimster?

  I was so fat though. I was so fat and just had jelly running down my shirt and.

• 40:35Tig Notaro?

  Whatever. Take it. That's what we're looking for, kid.

• 40:39Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think in the moment I realized what had happened. It was years later that I was like, wait a second.

• 40:48Fortune Feimster?

  Struck you. I was pure confidence at 10, like, yeah, man, he probably just like was batting a mosquito away.

• 40:57Mae Martin?

  That's really funny.

• 40:58Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that, so that was my first tryout.

• 41:02Tig Notaro?

  Tryout. You sound like somebody's parent. Are you gonna try out for the show? For the television program?

• 41:09Mae Martin?

  I've never, you know, in movie or TV shows about high schools and stuff, there's always like, they post the cast list in the hallway and everybody crowds around the list to be like, did I make it in the big show? I don't know if that's a real thing.

• 41:22Fortune Feimster?

  I never experienced that. The closest I ever had to that was auditioning for theater in college and, but you were like, kind of, I think you, I think you read out loud who the parts were. So you got to just be like, the sitting in sadness if you didn't get the part you wanted.

• 41:38Mae Martin?

  Oh God. Have you ever had a chemistry read? Like, I've had to audition people to play my, my girlfriend and feel good. I auditioned, um, yeah, a handful of people. I think we, we, we knew we wanted Charlotte Ritchie to do it, but we, we, uh, yeah, that's really embarrassing for, because these, I mean, they weren't embarrassed or nervous at all. They were professional actors and very cool, but it just felt so lame to be like, do you have chemistry with me? Can you, can you make it seem like you love me?

• 42:10Tig Notaro?

  Well, I mean, Stephanie had to kind of prove that we had chemistry on One Mississippi.

• 42:16Mae Martin?

  Seriously?

• 42:17Tig Notaro?

  My old show, yeah.

• 42:18Fortune Feimster?

  Did you?

• 42:19Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, but we're pushing through. But I remember also when, when Sarah Silverman was casting this pilot for NBC, she had a character named Tig. And, um, you know, it was me.

• 42:38Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 42:39Tig Notaro?

  But the studio and the network were not sold on me. And so, uh, I had to go in and audition to play myself. And I had a full on out of body experience where it was just me and Sarah doing this scene. And, you know, before we walked in, she was like, you know, just, um, it's just us and our normal dynamic. And I mean, this was like, 2011 or something. And I was like, okay, okay. And then it's just like everyone from the studio, studio, everyone from the network, all the casting, the director, you know, everybody's just sitting there just staring at us.

• 43:20Tig Notaro?

  And I was like, oh God, like, I didn't want to let her down. I mean, I of course wanted the role, but like, I really did not want to let her down.

• 43:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 43:29Tig Notaro?

  And I, I reached this point where I just pulled the mic off of my shirt. And I was like, I gotta, I gotta get out of here. And I just like walked out of the room.

• 43:39Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 43:39Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And, and Sarah followed me out and she was just like, I remember, um, she did this for me a few times, like on the Sarah Silverman program and on this pilot, that, that her pilot didn't get picked up, but it was, um, moments where I just, I would be like, what am I doing? I'm not an actor, you know, like I'm, I'm a stand up. I, I felt so out of place and I, I didn't want to promise more than I could deliver. And, but she would always say to me, when I would be in that kind of headspace, she'd be like, you know, let's just do, um, let's just do your worst take right now. Let's just do the worst you could possibly do. And I'd be like, okay. And it, and it worked on me every time.

• 44:24Tig Notaro?

  I'd be like, it took the pressure off and I was like, you want the worst? Okay. And then boom, Tig appeared. Yeah.

• 44:32Fortune Feimster?

  That's nice. I love that. I had the most Hollywood audition of my life.

• 44:37Tig Notaro?

  Congrats.

• 44:38Fortune Feimster?

  This was about like 2010 and it was, it was for a, I don't remember, maybe CBS pilot or something. And I went through the audition process where I was, I kept getting to the next round and the next round. And then you finally get to the point where they ask you to test or not. And when you test, you have to sign a contract ahead of time. And then the network.

• 45:00Tig Notaro?

  Test means?

• 45:01Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, the test means, and it's a final audition. It's usually you and like two other people and y'all are the final people down for this role. Um, and if they pick you, you've already signed a contract, you're, it's already ready to go. So you, there's a lot of pressure once you get to that point. And I got to the point where they wanted me to test, but I was working at, at Chelsea lately and I was like, I don't know if I want to, like I'm happy here and I don't think I want to go down this road. And so I, I basically was like, I'll tell them, cause this kind of came right before I got Chelsea and then they all sort of converged at the same time. And I was like, oh, tell them I don't, I don't actually want to, I don't want to test anymore.

• 45:43Fortune Feimster?

  And the, the star's agent like called and it was like, what is she doing? What do you mean she doesn't want to test? If she's, she's got to get, this is her part. She's going to be a star. And she's just going to turn that down. I mean, this is like, you know, you hear these kinds of stories about like people like having these crazy agents.

• 46:05Tig Notaro?

  They're real.

• 46:06Fortune Feimster?

  I know. And I'm like, and so I, they called me and they're like, he's flipping out and the casting's flipping out and then I'm like, so then I'm like, I guess. I don't really want to do this, but I felt pressure. Like I was young and I was like, okay.

• 46:18Tig Notaro?

  Get down here and put some jelly on your shirt, kid.

• 46:22Fortune Feimster?

  And, but he's like, this is hers. We already know we, she's going to be a star, like all these things. And I'm like, oh, okay. I guess sure. But I still knew it wasn't right. Like, and so I auditioned, I tested and um, didn't get it. Of course.

• 46:44Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like, wait, you told me I was gonna be a star. And then like,

• 46:47Tig Notaro?

  That you are?

• 46:48Fortune Feimster?

  I'd never heard from him or any of those people again. And I'm like, this is so Hollywood.

• 46:53Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God. That just reminded me of something. I was doing stand up in New York City. And this woman came up to me after the show and she was like, oh, my God. I was laughing so hard. I fell out of my chair. She was like, I am a casting director and you have to come down. It was like this huge casting place where you, every different room, there's like somebody, they're casting commercials and Broadway and TV and film and like, and she, and I show up and it's like all these people waiting in the, in the lobby to be called in for their auditions. And I went in and I checked in. They were like, oh, Tig Notaro is here. And they went and got the woman, like I bypassed everything, you know, and she brought me in

• 47:36Tig Notaro?

  and she was showing me around and taking me room to room to show me all the different types of auditions and people that she was introducing me to. She was, they were like, oh, we heard all about you and how funny you are. Like this woman had told everyone about me. And then she goes, you know what, since you're here, do you want to just go in and audition for a, a commercial? And I was like, uh, sure. And so I go in.

• 48:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 48:04Tig Notaro?

  And she's sitting there and the, the casting guy is like, all right, so you're a mom and you're taking your family in a minivan to Disneyland and you're surprising them. So, um, you know, like, let's really surprise the kids. You're going to Disneyland. And I was like, uh, hey, kids. Uh, I was so uncomfortable. It's like,

• 48:26Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, kids, it's me, Tig.

• 48:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. It's like, hey, kids, uh, hop in the van. We're going to Disneyland. And they're like, okay, but he was like, okay, but like, really excited. Like you have great, like this went on and on. And I was, I mean, he got me up to maybe, hey, kids, get in the van. We're going to do, like, it was so terribly uncomfortable. And, uh, I left and.

• 48:50Tig Notaro?

  She never responded to me.

• 48:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, no.

• 48:54Tig Notaro?

  She made such a spectacle out of me. I remember her name, I think, was Stacy something, casting director in New York. If you are out there.

• 49:02Mae Martin?

  If you're listening.

• 49:04Fortune Feimster?

  Stacy.

• 49:05Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 49:06Fortune Feimster?

  You're just gonna give up on our girl Tig?

• 49:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna treat me like I got jelly on my shirt?

• 49:13Fortune Feimster?

  Ugh.

• 49:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's so, it's like. Tig's here. You know, it was, I think the next time I was in New York, I like reached out to her and never responded to me. Yeah.

• 49:26Mae Martin?

  When me and my friend wrote Feel Good and we had a part for him and he was the co-writer of the whole show. And everyone was like, yeah, great, it's this little part. And then we kept being like, so when can, when can Joe tape for that part? Or like, is he just gonna get the part? Or, you know, he's like, I'm happy to tape for it, but, you know, yeah, he's the co-writer, like, we want him. And he's acted before. And then one of the producers sent an email and she accidentally CC'd Joe and I on the email.

• 49:56Tig Notaro?

  Oh, no.

• 49:57Mae Martin?

  No, she hadn't deleted like the thread of all the emails.

• 50:00Tig Notaro?

  Oh, God.

• 50:01Mae Martin?

  Where she was saying to the casting director and the other producers, how are we gonna tell Joe that we, we don't want him to play this part? Guys, we have to be delicate about this. We gotta, we gotta tell him in a nice way. We were like, guys, we, we got that email.

• 50:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, got the news. Message received. What if that was her plan all along?

• 50:22Mae Martin?

  What?

• 50:22Fortune Feimster?

  To, to.

• 50:23Mae Martin?

  Oh, to make us read it?

• 50:24Fortune Feimster?

  Fake it that way, yeah.

• 50:25Mae Martin?

  Imagine if I started doing that on our handsome email threads? Just not deleting, maybe like, guys, I want out. Ah, how am I gonna tell these guys I want out?

• 50:34Fortune Feimster?

  I did have one commercial audition that I went to way back in the day. And I had on these pants, I had on like these loose pants, I'm not sure. And I was standing there, just got in the audition room and I looked down and a pair of my underwear is hanging out of my pants. The bottom of my pants. So I had put on like, I guess I had had my underwear from the day before in somehow.

• 51:04Tig Notaro?

  After your waxing.

• 51:06Fortune Feimster?

  And then when I got into the room, half my dirty, dirty asshole underwear is hanging out of my pants. Just with the period staying on it? I just like reached down real quick and grabbed it and like shoved it in my pocket. And I'm like, what? They think it was method or something.

• 51:24Tig Notaro?

  Well, should we hear? Yeah, let's hear what Chelsea has to say.

• 51:28Speaker 04

  Hey, guys. So for me, I'm actually dressed up right now, putting myself on tape for something. I don't normally put my hair into a braid or anything because I feel I need voluminous hair to look appealing. But today I did go ahead and do that because it's very greasy due to taking a lot of baths and I don't wash my hair in the bath. Anyhow, I audition very infrequently and when I do, I do try to dress the part. Just dropped my glasses. And let me redo this.

• 52:10Fortune Feimster?

  Is that it?

• 52:11Tig Notaro?

  That was a joke.

• 52:12Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that's really good. That's really good.

• 52:18Tig Notaro?

  Classic Peretti.

• 52:20Fortune Feimster?

  Classic Peretti.

• 52:21Tig Notaro?

  Classic Peretti. That's her next podcast.

• 52:26Fortune Feimster?

  She was like, I did another one where I like answered it for real, but I thought that was funnier. Yeah, that is very funny.

• 52:33Tig Notaro?

  She is a silly, silly gal.

• 52:35Fortune Feimster?

  Silly gal. Dressing the part. I know, the outfits of anything or any of these auditions are so ridiculous. I just started just wearing a black shirt and everything. The hardest of is I had to audition for, uh, to play someone's mother, um, recently, which was like, I was like, oh, how did I get here? Um, and I was trying to find any shirt in my closet that resembled a blouse. And it was so hard.

• 53:05Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God, just even that word. Yeah.

• 53:08Fortune Feimster?

  Blouse. So I ended up with just a regular t-shirt, but it was like pink.

• 53:13Mae Martin?

  I was like, this'll do.

• 53:16Tig Notaro?

  I have a theory that if a woman refers to a shirt as a blouse or a top, they're straight.

• 53:25Mae Martin?

  That is so true and good.

• 53:28Tig Notaro?

  My girlfriends, but it's actual friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh, I went shopping with my girlfriends and we bought new blouses. It's like, okay. Straight as an arrow.

• 53:42Mae Martin?

  That's really funny.

• 53:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Well, I mean, what a podcast.

• 53:46Mae Martin?

  What a podcast.

• 53:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And if anybody cares, my birthday is March 24th. So we care. That's right around the corner. It sure is. So be thinking about what you want to get me. Okay. And I will be 54 years old. I am one year away from being able to move into a retirement community. Congratulations.

• 54:10Mae Martin?

  Have you picked the place yet?

• 54:12Tig Notaro?

  Um, you know, I did, uh, my old assistant, his, uh, parents lived in, uh, like a retirement community in Florida. And he was like, Hey, when we're in Florida, we, my parents aren't at their, uh, vacation home, uh, we could go stay there. And I was thinking like, oh, boy, you know, uh, what's this gonna be like? I loved it so much. I loved it so much.

• 54:40Mae Martin?

  Retirement village?

• 54:41Tig Notaro?

  Yes. I told Steph, I called her, I was like, uh, if I sneeze, you can like lock me up in the retirement community. I mean, I, I like the golf cart in this community. Look, we all know I'm not a big booze hound, but I love the idea and the vibe. Every day at five o'clock, everyone gets in their, uh, golf cart. Drive around the community and drink their drinks and honk and wave at each other.

• 55:14Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 55:15Tig Notaro?

  Five o'clock every day and they blare their music, whatever music they're into, whether it's Liza Minnelli or, you know, whoever, and they're just driving around waving at each other. I mean, and then, and then the, then there's like a little restaurant by the pool and I'm, I'm pickleball courts. That was the first time I'd heard about pickleball. Um, but I was like, yeah, I'm ready to go. I mean, completely good, completely good.

• 55:44Mae Martin?

  Really nice.

• 55:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I mean, look, I like my life, but I, I, I, if, if it comes to that, I will not be bummed.

• 55:54Mae Martin?

  Good to know.

• 55:55Tig Notaro?

  I don't know why I said, if it comes to that, like, it's not like, it's not like I'm in.

• 56:00Mae Martin?

  You're gonna lock me up in a building somewhere.

• 56:03Tig Notaro?

  It's not a care center. It's just honking on a golf cart with a virgin daiquiri in my hand.

• 56:11Tig Notaro?

  But if it does come to that, just know I am.

• 56:13Mae Martin?

  You're, you're just fine.

• 56:15Tig Notaro?

  I am so happy.

• 56:17Mae Martin?

  Okay, good.

• 56:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And please come visit.

• 56:20Mae Martin?

  I was picturing Max and Finn coming to visit you and then, and then I pictured them as adult redhead men coming to visit. You're gonna have these two adult men.

• 56:30Tig Notaro?

  And they're gigantic. I've done everything in my power to avoid living with a man. And we're going to have two gigantic, they are so huge. And it's like, they already eat everything in sight. They have dinner and then before bed, they want another dinner. And we're truly like, guys, we have to get this narrowed down to one dinner. Okay? It's so insane. They just eat everything and they're just, like, when I hug Max, I'm like, oh, my God, he could snap me in two. And he doesn't.

• 57:05Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 57:06Tig Notaro?

  He doesn't realize it.

• 57:07Mae Martin?

  Teens yet.

• 57:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, they'll be nine in June.

• 57:09Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 57:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. And I'm not joking. He could kick my ass. Uh, but that's also not a hard thing to do. Hello, Biggie. The love of my life, the love of my life.

• 57:24Mae Martin?

  And he, he's had his bath in his robe.

• 57:28Tig Notaro?

  Oh, Biggie, that is just a perfect creation. Biggie, come visit me at the, uh, at the retirement.

• 57:36Mae Martin?

  At the villages.

• 57:39Fortune Feimster?

  Well, don't forget to get a live stream ticket to our show in Austin, April 12th. That show is sold out, but you can live stream it from anywhere and that link is good for a week. So make sure you do that and have a handsome party if you want and a good gay ass time.

• 57:57Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 57:58Tig Notaro?

  Have a gay ass time.

• 57:59Mae Martin?

  What did you say? Hugging and tugging? Yeah.

• 58:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, go hugging and tugging.

• 58:03Tig Notaro?

  Also, uh, the movie that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, that, uh, won the Sundance Film Festival this year. It is such a beautiful film. It's going to be, it was just at the Boulder International Film Festival. It's going to be at the Cleveland International Film Festival on April 2nd. There's plenty more, um, dates for festivals coming up that will be announced soon. I will also be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th. And then I will also be in Provincetown, uh, August 23rd.

• 58:44Tig Notaro?

  You know, check my website always, tignotaro.com and, uh, yeah, that's what I'm up to.

• 58:50Mae Martin?

  What about you, Fortune?

• 58:51Fortune Feimster?

  My tour kicks off April 4th in Savannah, Georgia.

• 58:55Tig Notaro?

  Nice.

• 58:56Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, going to, after that to Charleston, South Carolina and Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Columbus, Ohio, Greensboro, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh. Uh, so those tickets are on my website, fortunefemster.com.

• 59:11Mae Martin?

  Well, I'm not touring, but, um, my album is out, my earnest music album. And, um, I'm loving people are sharing it and, uh, tagging me in vids and it all helps. It's on Spotify. It's called I'm a TV and, uh, I'm at Largo end of March. Um, and that'll be all on my social media and stuff.

• 59:32Tig Notaro?

  Make sure to tell your friends about the podcast. Share an episode. Mr. Thomas was telling us that the Anna Kendrick episode is wildly popular. So share that so people can get a taste of our nonsense. And until next time, I mean, all you can really do ever is. Keep it handsome. We're staying up here.

• 59:55Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media @handsomepod.

• 1:00:11Speaker 00

  What a podcast. What a podcast.

• 1:00:17Mae Martin?

  That was a HeadGum podcast. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my outfit matches the vibe of the evening before heading out the door, I regret everything. The night called for a black t-shirt, but I wore a white one instead, and now everything's out of alignment.

• 1:00:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:00:49Speaker 05

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 1:00:51Speaker 06

  And Hannah Simone.

• 1:00:52Speaker 05

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

• 1:01:13Speaker 06

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:01:26Speaker 05

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:01:37Speaker 06

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.