Aparna Nancherla asks about holiday party faux pas

The hilarious Aparna Nancherla helps us celebrate the holidays with a question about embarrassing holibobs moments! Plus a Handsome star returns to the show, Mae's toxic traits, Fortune's church voice, and more! And if you missed our live show, watch the replay for this week only! https://www.squadup.com/events/livestream-access-handsome-holibobs-extravaganza Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Fortune Feimster?

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:35Mae Martin?

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• 1:25Mae Martin?

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• 1:48Mae Martin?

  Cheers.

• 1:49Tig Notaro?

  Welcome to the Handsome Pod. It's your friend Tig Notaros in here with...

• 1:55Mae Martin?

  Mae Martin.

• 1:57Tig Notaro?

  And Fortune Veenzer.

• 2:03Mae Martin?

  Happy holidays.

• 2:05Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. 'Tis the season. It tis. It sure tis. It tis.

• 2:14Mae Martin?

  If you're watching, you'll you'll know this, but Tig is wearing a very handsome robe, dressing gown?

• 2:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, if not sexy.

• 2:24Fortune Feimster?

  Tig Hefner?

• 2:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 2:27Fortune Feimster?

  Who we're looking at?

• 2:28Tig Notaro?

  That's right.

• 2:30Fortune Feimster?

  Is this your, this is your robe that you brought to Toronto?

• 2:33Tig Notaro?

  No, ma'am. I'm just in my hotel room and I am, you know, it's almost 8:00 PM here, but I have a very early call time. And so, once this episode is wrapped, this little rascal is climbing into bed and going night-night.

• 2:51Mae Martin?

  Going night-night.

• 2:52Fortune Feimster?

  Are you gonna go night-night in your robe?

• 2:55Tig Notaro?

  No, no, no.

• 2:56Fortune Feimster?

  Are you going full command, though?

• 2:57Tig Notaro?

  I, I, I sleep in my Ponties. I think we've already discussed this many times. I sleep in my big-girl Ponties.

• 3:05Fortune Feimster?

  And your Grancy pansies.

• 3:08Mae Martin?

  You look so cozy. Have you had a bath?

• 3:11Tig Notaro?

  I did. I had a bath. I had dinner.

• 3:14Fortune Feimster?

  Tell us about it.

• 3:16Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Well, do you want to know about my dinner?

• 3:18Fortune Feimster?

  Well, first I want to know about the bath, and then I want to know about your dinner.

• 3:22Tig Notaro?

  Girl, dinner came before the bath.

• 3:26Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 3:27Tig Notaro?

  Are you okay? Girl, are you okay? Girl?

• 3:30Fortune Feimster?

  Girl, I had to cough, girl.

• 3:32Tig Notaro?

  Are you sick?

• 3:33Mae Martin?

  Fortunately, I know what it is.

• 3:35Fortune Feimster?

  Tickle in my throat.

• 3:36Mae Martin?

  No, it's because we were, the past two days, me and Fortune were filming on Fortune's show, and they had all that, like, fake smoke atmosphere in the air, and it was...

• 3:47Fortune Feimster?

  Messed my...

• 3:48Tig Notaro?

  That happens on Star Trek, too.

• 3:51Fortune Feimster?

  Messed my chest up today, and yesterday.

• 3:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:54Mae Martin?

  The air is so thick and, like, chalky, and is that, you think that's what it is, Fortune?

• 4:00Fortune Feimster?

  I think so, yeah.

• 4:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I coughed for a few days after Star Trek, because there's explosions always, you know?

• 4:09Fortune Feimster?

  Don't get away from telling us about your bath and dinner.

• 4:12Tig Notaro?

  Okay, but girl, I have to tell you about my dinner first, because I like to go to the... Well, my favorite restaurant, and this is no offense to my other favorite restaurants, but Planta is here. Have I talked to you about this?

• 4:27Fortune Feimster?

  I just, yeah, I've heard you mention this place, but do you have a signature dish there?

• 4:32Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh, all of them, but their dessert is called, one of their desserts is... Just simply called Big Cookie. Have I told you about Big Cookie?

• 4:42Mae Martin?

  Oh, God, I love that. And also, that should be like a rap name.

• 4:47Fortune Feimster?

  Big Cookie.

• 4:48Tig Notaro?

  Well, when, when we go to the Planta in LA, there's this waitress that we always get. And she knows that Stephanie and Max and Finn and I always jokingly call it Big Cookie. It just sounds so like.

• 5:03Fortune Feimster?

  Big Cookie.

• 5:05Tig Notaro?

  And what would you like for dessert? Big Cookie. Like, they don't say what the flavor is. They don't. And it's a chocolate chip cookie, but they only call it Big Cookie. And so when we get her as our waiter in LA, she's always like, and do you guys want Big Cookie? And we're, yes, yes, we do.

• 5:23Mae Martin?

  Cute.

• 5:24Tig Notaro?

  So, yeah, I, I love all their stuff, but I had, they have eggplant. What is it called? Unagi?

• 5:31Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 5:31Tig Notaro?

  And it's so good.

• 5:33Mae Martin?

  Like Japanese style.

• 5:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 5:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah. So you filled up, filled up your little tummy?

• 5:40Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I did. That wasn't the only thing I had. I had that. And I also had Caesar salad. And I went ahead and had Big Cookie.

• 5:49Mae Martin?

  Nice.

• 5:49Tig Notaro?

  And it's a good size. It's like, it's big. And they, they call it that for a reason.

• 5:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:55Fortune Feimster?

  Love it.

• 5:55Tig Notaro?

  And then, I love you too. And then I finished that up. I, I wiped my face off and got into the tub. Fully naked, you guys.

• 6:07Mae Martin?

  Girl.

• 6:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Yeah, girl. I took a bath fully naked today.

• 6:14Fortune Feimster?

  Wow. A bubble bath.

• 6:16Mae Martin?

  Is it a tits out tub?

• 6:18Fortune Feimster?

  Tits out.

• 6:19Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. My dumpster tits were hanging out all over the place. It was insane. Yeah. You think you messed your chest up at work, Fortune. My chest is all sorts of messed up.

• 6:33Mae Martin?

  Unrecognizable.

• 6:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. How are you both doing?

• 6:38Mae Martin?

  I'm good because I, I'm buzzing from getting to do these couple of days on Fortune's show. And I was so nervous, but I loved seeing our girl Marie in action.

• 6:47Tig Notaro?

  Amazing.

• 6:48Mae Martin?

  The belle of the ball, just everyone, like, surrounded by a gaggle of girls who just want to gossip. And it was so fun.

• 6:58Fortune Feimster?

  It's so fun on set. There is a gaggle of women that just sit around. And chat in between setups and stuff.

• 7:07Tig Notaro?

  Do they work on the show or they just bring them in to chat?

• 7:11Fortune Feimster?

  They do work on the show.

• 7:12Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 7:13Fortune Feimster?

  Will has a lot of women that work for him and then his company.

• 7:17Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 7:18Fortune Feimster?

  So it's a real fun vibe. So as soon as May sat down, we were, I, I said, May, give him the hot goss.

• 7:25Mae Martin?

  And I did.

• 7:26Tig Notaro?

  Share with the gals.

• 7:27Mae Martin?

  And I overshared.

• 7:29Tig Notaro?

  Oh, what was it?

• 7:30Mae Martin?

  Oh, my whole romantic history. We got deep.

• 7:33Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:35Fortune Feimster?

  We gab, we give each other advice. We go, oh, no, no, uh uh. We do a lot of that.

• 7:41Mae Martin?

  Uh uh. Yeah.

• 7:43Fortune Feimster?

  So May was brought right into the fold.

• 7:46Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 7:46Fortune Feimster?

  Of the gabbing that happens.

• 7:49Mae Martin?

  Yesterday I had to shoot, shoot a gun and shoot it five times. And it was, pressure was on because they, they have like a special effects setup where it like dust falls from the ceiling like you've shot it, but I had to try and.

• 8:04Tig Notaro?

  Hollywood magic.

• 8:05Mae Martin?

  Hollywood magic. And I got it wrong the first time mainly because after the first shot, Will did this like womanly scream that was so funny to me and so Will Ferrell. And there's nothing funnier than a man shrieking like that. And I was like, I'm in heaven. I kept having out of body like in the little green room area with, with Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell, like heroes of mine. And they were telling.

• 8:28Tig Notaro?

  Fortune theme star was likely there.

• 8:29Mae Martin?

  Of course, Fortune.

• 8:31Fortune Feimster?

  I was going in and out of that room because I, I sit with the village gals and then I go in there. Because normally we're all together, but in this particular location, everyone was separated.

• 8:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 8:43Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 8:44Mae Martin?

  But man, hearing like stories from nineties SNL and they were, I was just like in, in total heaven. What nice people, silly, nice people.

• 8:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:54Fortune Feimster?

  It's a fun show.

• 8:55Tig Notaro?

  That's great.

• 8:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 8:57Tig Notaro?

  We gotta, you know, figure this out so I can do my part.

• 9:03Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 9:04Mae Martin?

  Seriously.

• 9:05Tig Notaro?

  I was sadly unavailable when I was asked to come in.

• 9:09Mae Martin?

  Oh shit.

• 9:10Tig Notaro?

  I wonder who replaced me.

• 9:12Mae Martin?

  I hope it wasn't me.

• 9:13Tig Notaro?

  I don't think it was.

• 9:16Tig Notaro?

  No, it wasn't because it was when I was filming last time I was in Toronto.

• 9:21Mae Martin?

  Okay, okay.

• 9:22Tig Notaro?

  So whoever that was. But either way, well, that sounds like a darned good time, especially to be able to sit around. Oh, no way. No, a news flash. Go to YouTube.

• 9:33Mae Martin?

  Go to YouTube.

• 9:33Tig Notaro?

  Serious news flash. Don't even say what happened. Wow.

• 9:38Mae Martin?

  Okay, we've been blessed by the presence of an angel here.

• 9:42Tig Notaro?

  Yes, we are.

• 9:43Mae Martin?

  I'll give you one clue. His eyes dead.

• 9:45Fortune Feimster?

  No. They're full of life. Oh, look at him. I'm back with my baby bear for a little bit.

• 9:53Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. I have really missed him. I think about him probably every other day.

• 9:59Fortune Feimster?

  I miss him too.

• 10:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 10:02Mae Martin?

  He's so cute. His eyes, how, how are they looking?

• 10:06Tig Notaro?

  Is he flying?

• 10:09Fortune Feimster?

  How are his eyes looking?

• 10:12Tig Notaro?

  Dead, completely dead. Yeah, but he's so cute.

• 10:16Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 10:17Tig Notaro?

  And what has he been up to?

• 10:20Fortune Feimster?

  He been, he, he's.

• 10:24Fortune Feimster?

  He's from a broken home now, so he has to.

• 10:27Tig Notaro?

  That's so sad.

• 10:29Mae Martin?

  How does he like the new house?

• 10:31Fortune Feimster?

  He likes it because, you know, there's some, it's, oh, hold on.

• 10:36Tig Notaro?

  What the hell was that?

• 10:37Mae Martin?

  He just, I think Biggie just coughed.

• 10:39Fortune Feimster?

  He's getting older, so he has a wheeze.

• 10:42Tig Notaro?

  You guys need to lie down and take the rest of the day off.

• 10:46Fortune Feimster?

  I know.

• 10:47Tig Notaro?

  Geez.

• 10:47Fortune Feimster?

  He, the new house is good because it's small and, um, he can scoot around it easily. Yeah. Um, and there's a back, a little backyard with grass in there that he likes to tinkle in.

• 11:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 11:02Fortune Feimster?

  And some of the, not much, but a couple of furniture pieces are from the old house that he's like, I know this furniture. This house is unfamiliar, but yeah, he's good.

• 11:12Tig Notaro?

  Does he seem confused being from a broken home now? Or does he seem?

• 11:17Mae Martin?

  Could you tell the difference?

• 11:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:19Mae Martin?

  Isn't he always, he's always a bit confused.

• 11:21Fortune Feimster?

  He's always chill. So, yeah, he becomes attached to whoever he's with, you know?

• 11:26Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 11:27Fortune Feimster?

  Um, so when he, so when he's with the Jax, he's very attached to her and follows her around. And when he is with me, he's very attached to me and follows me around and you know, I think that this is whoever he's with, that's where his heart is.

• 11:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:42Mae Martin?

  Imagine if this, if this podcast ever broke up, I'd be, I feel like I'd be the biggie.

• 11:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 11:48Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 11:48Fortune Feimster?

  Going home to home.

• 11:50Tig Notaro?

  I feel like if this podcast breaks up, I'm getting biggie.

• 11:54Mae Martin?

  Oh my god. Is that a threat?

• 11:57Tig Notaro?

  Wouldn't that be a weird outcome?

• 12:00Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, gonna have to take biggie.

• 12:03Tig Notaro?

  I don't think biggie would stick out in kitty city. I really don't because the cats just lounge around on the bed together.

• 12:11Mae Martin?

  I think they would manipulate him like older siblings, like they, they're, their cats are smart. I feel like they'd have him doing their errands for them and like they convince him to steal stuff from the fridge and.

• 12:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:23Fortune Feimster?

  He's very intrigued by cats because he hasn't spent hardly any time around them. So he sees them like, like an outdoor cat and he'll be like, what's your deal? Hmm.

• 12:32Tig Notaro?

  I feel like the little cloud above biggie's head is always just like saying whatevs.

• 12:40Fortune Feimster?

  Whatevs. I think you're right.

• 12:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:44Tig Notaro?

  He seems fine with whatevs.

• 12:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Like you know how they, sometimes they train dogs to press buttons that say words to communicate like outside, food, whatever.

• 12:55Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah, with biggie, you'd get all the buttons and then you'd get one that says whatevs and he'd just hit that every time.

• 13:01Tig Notaro?

  He'd hit it all day and night.

• 13:03Fortune Feimster?

  Whatevs.

• 13:04Tig Notaro?

  When he's not eating or sleeping or tinkling in the grass.

• 13:07Fortune Feimster?

  Stop calling me dead eyes, I'm full of life.

• 13:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, probably.

• 13:12Mae Martin?

  Tig, I told Fortune this on a mini-sode, but I haven't told you that I, I got a car. Yeah.

• 13:19Tig Notaro?

  That is ridiculous.

• 13:21Mae Martin?

  I, it is ridicu-, it is ridiculous to see.

• 13:25Tig Notaro?

  Why would you get a car?

• 13:26Fortune Feimster?

  I'm pumped about it.

• 13:28Mae Martin?

  I don't have my license yet either, but I have my learner's permit and I'm learning. So I got a car so I could practice every day. I've been bopping around.

• 13:36Tig Notaro?

  Is it a black Suburban or Cadillac?

• 13:39Mae Martin?

  A black, um, it's a Lexus and it's, uh, it looks like a little Subaru almost. It's.

• 13:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 13:47Fortune Feimster?

  It's cute.

• 13:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 13:49Mae Martin?

  I, so when I'm driving, I have to have someone with me in the car, but I cannot have mus-, music playing. I can't have anyone talking to me. I'm focused. I got the guy on this, on telling me where to go and the, the voice of the map and um, I'm loving it.

• 14:04Tig Notaro?

  Wait, and you have not gotten your license yet?

• 14:06Mae Martin?

  No, so when I bought the car, I couldn't even test drive it. Cause you gotta, you, and, and you can't drive it off the lot unless you have insurance. So I had to get my assistant to, I had to be on, on their insurance and it was a whole thing, but I do my test on, on Monday and by the time this comes out, hopefully I'm gonna be driving Santa's goddamn sleigh. Who knows?

• 14:28Tig Notaro?

  Wow, May. Huge. Congrats.

• 14:31Mae Martin?

  Thanks.

• 14:32Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:33Mae Martin?

  I can't, I can't wait to drive you guys somewhere. I know.

• 14:36Tig Notaro?

  Um, I will meet you there.

• 14:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's fair. No, I think, I think I'm gonna get the muscle memory and be a, be a natural. Yeah.

• 14:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:47Mae Martin?

  I did bump a car with, I did hit a car, but I was just trying, well, I was trying to parallel park and I just gave it a little tap and then I thought, I'm not gonna park here. A little tap's usually fine. Yeah, yeah.

• 15:01Tig Notaro?

  Are they?

• 15:02Mae Martin?

  As long as it's a little tap.

• 15:04Tig Notaro?

  And if the owner of the car saw the little tap, would you feel like, oh, that's fine?

• 15:10Mae Martin?

  Well, they would have to suss it out. And I would say, listen, I'm on my assistant's insurance. I don't have my full license. Please give me a break. Yep. But it feels good to be in my little world in my, in my car, in my bubble. I love it for you.

• 15:26Tig Notaro?

  And what made you buy a car? Cause you knew, you've, you're feeling confident you're gonna pass this test and, and you're ready to hit the road?

• 15:35Mae Martin?

  I've done so many lessons and I feel like I, if I, I should be driving every day just to really get it in my system and it would help me pass the test. So I've, I've been just, just practicing.

• 15:47Tig Notaro?

  That is adorable.

• 15:48Mae Martin?

  I do feel like a, a grown up. Like I, it's actually changed how I feel about myself in my life. Like I feel, yeah, like I really feel safer.

• 15:59Tig Notaro?

  And did you, you really didn't feel like an adult before two days ago?

• 16:04Mae Martin?

  No, no.

• 16:06Tig Notaro?

  Hmm. Interesting.

• 16:08Mae Martin?

  I've, no, I was living, I was living wrong. Living la vida loca? I was living la vida loca and now I'm.

• 16:14Tig Notaro?

  And what language is that?

• 16:16Mae Martin?

  Espanola.

• 16:18Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 16:19Mae Martin?

  Espanola.

• 16:28Tig Notaro?

  You know, you don't know this, but I'll tell you. Our housekeeper, when she comes over, when she sees our cats, she's like, "El gato."

• 16:38Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-hmm, that means cat.

• 16:39Tig Notaro?

  I know, but when you think about it, like, if I went to somebody's house, I wouldn't just say "cat."

• 16:48Fortune Feimster?

  Does she maybe not know their names?

• 16:50Tig Notaro?

  I don't think so, but she's essentially saying "the cat," right?

• 16:54Fortune Feimster?

  The cat, the cat.

• 16:55Tig Notaro?

  The cat.

• 16:56Fortune Feimster?

  El gato.

• 16:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, so it hit me the other day, and I said that to Stephanie. I was like, "Wait, isn't she essentially walking in every morning just saying 'the cat'?" Yeah, and she says it in a very loving voice.

• 17:12Fortune Feimster?

  I love it.

• 17:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's just a funny little thought. The cat.

• 17:19Fortune Feimster?

  And there's multiple, so she's not even saying "los gatos."

• 17:23Tig Notaro?

  Oh, hello, Fortune.

• 17:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that's the plural of cats.

• 17:29Tig Notaro?

  You know what I forgot to tell you guys?

• 17:31Fortune Feimster?

  Please.

• 17:32Tig Notaro?

  We had a funny moment at our house the other day.

• 17:36Fortune Feimster?

  What happened?

• 17:38Tig Notaro?

  Finn said Fortune, asked something about Fortune, or said something about Fortune, and...

• 17:47Fortune Feimster?

  I wonder what?

• 17:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I can't remember, I can't remember what he asked or said. And then I just, I was kind of taking a moment where I was like, you know, he's only met you, what? Once or twice or something?

• 18:01Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe twice, yeah.

• 18:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and so I was like, "Oh," because in my head, I'm thinking, "Oh, of course he remembers you." And I said, "That's so funny that you brought up Fortune." I said, "Do you, do you remember Fortune?" And he said, "Yeah." And I said, "Do you know Fortune's last name?" And he said, "A fiendster." And I was like, whoa.

• 18:24Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 18:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And then I said, do you know my other co-host on Handsome? And he said, yeah, Mae Martin.

• 18:34Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 18:35Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 18:36Mae Martin?

  Wait, what?

• 18:37Fortune Feimster?

  Wow. An avid Handsome listener.

• 18:40Tig Notaro?

  But it was one of those moments where, you know, people say kids are like sponges and all that kind of stuff.

• 18:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:46Tig Notaro?

  It's not like I walk around the house going, Fortune theme star is on the phone, or I need to, you know, make sure to tell Mae Martin.

• 18:53Fortune Feimster?

  Emma, that he pronounced it correctly with my last name.

• 18:57Tig Notaro?

  Completely, completely.

• 18:58Fortune Feimster?

  Wow, impressive.

• 18:59Tig Notaro?

  It's such a tiny little thing, but it blew our minds. We were just like, wow.

• 19:06Fortune Feimster?

  Blows my mind.

• 19:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:07Mae Martin?

  I wonder what else is in there, you know?

• 19:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. There's so many moments like that.

• 19:12Mae Martin?

  I will say that I was, I was visiting with Amma recently and she was playing on like a thing that was gonna break or something. So I went, oh, oh, Amma, don't play on that. And she goes, I'm not playing, I'm gaying. And she's seven. And I went, what? And then I said, what, do you know, what does gay mean to you? And she goes, you're gay. And I said, what is it? And she goes, it's, yeah, it's when a boy marries a boy. And I was like, okay. But I'm not, I'm not playing, I'm gaying was so good. And then the other good one she had was, I said, I was trying to give a May fact. And I went, did you know that the reason that they put clementines and oranges in Christmas stockings? And she goes, oranges? Boringes.

• 19:56Mae Martin?

  I was speechless. I was like, that is so good.

• 19:59Fortune Feimster?

  Watching some Adam Sandler movies.

• 20:00Mae Martin?

  Boringes.

• 20:01Fortune Feimster?

  Bora fill, more like Bora fill.

• 20:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:05Tig Notaro?

  And how, she's seven now?

• 20:07Mae Martin?

  Yes. And she's funny and she knows when she's funny. And I laughed so hard at Boringes that then, for the whole rest of the day, it was Boringes 24/7. It was, she kept whipping it out.

• 20:18Tig Notaro?

  I have to be honest, I feel a little like Boringes too.

• 20:23Mae Martin?

  What do you mean?

• 20:24Tig Notaro?

  I'm just not terribly into oranges. I like orange candies.

• 20:28Mae Martin?

  Oh, wow.

• 20:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I know. I'm here to blow your mind.

• 20:31Fortune Feimster?

  I don't ever really eat them either. I know that shocking because I'm really known for all the fruit I consume.

• 20:38Mae Martin?

  You're known for it.

• 20:39Tig Notaro?

  Fruity fortune.

• 20:40Mae Martin?

  Fruity fortune.

• 20:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I don't like, I'm not a real texture crazy person, but the texture of like those little.

• 20:49Tig Notaro?

  White things you have to peel off the in between the ghee. I'm just like, no, thank you.

• 20:56Mae Martin?

  It's Russian roulette with an orange in a way that most fruits, there's a little more consistency. You know what you're getting with an orange. It could either be the most delicious, sweet, fresh, cold, or it's actual garbage, you know, when it's, when it's all pithy and on the, on the edge.

• 21:12Tig Notaro?

  I'll eat them. It's just not the same as a, what are the Honeycrisp apple for me. A Honeycrisp apple is like, oh.

• 21:21Fortune Feimster?

  It is.

• 21:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 21:23Fortune Feimster?

  You know who like sows? My, my, my boy Biggie.

• 21:28Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 21:28Fortune Feimster?

  He loves to just nibble on a little apple.

• 21:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 21:32Fortune Feimster?

  He's just like, loves it.

• 21:35Tig Notaro?

  That is cute.

• 21:36Mae Martin?

  Very precious.

• 21:37Tig Notaro?

  I always let my cat smell anything that's on my fork or spoon because I'm curious their response. I'll be like, oh, you want to smell this? And then sometimes they're very interested and other times it's like, what the hell?

• 21:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 21:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Really good information, Tig. Keep it coming.

• 21:53Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it coming, buddy.

• 21:55Mae Martin?

  I mean, all of us today are, the stuff we're coming up with is pure gold.

• 22:01Fortune Feimster?

  Well, because you know, the holidays are upon us. So we're thinking we're, I think we're getting in holiday mode.

• 22:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:07Tig Notaro?

  That must be what's going on.

• 22:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Not the slow decline of our lives.

• 22:17Tig Notaro?

  And we'll be right back after these messages.

• 22:22Fortune Feimster?

  Not because our lives are all going down a hill into a fiery pit.

• 22:28Tig Notaro?

  And imploding right here on live YouTube.

• 22:34Mae Martin?

  I'm like, I mean, I guess like after what 30 or it is a sort of inevitable cognitive decline.

• 22:41Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 22:42Mae Martin?

  Sorry. Is that true?

• 22:43Tig Notaro?

  Well, your body does.

• 22:44Fortune Feimster?

  Please keep these positive May facts coming.

• 22:47Tig Notaro?

  Happy holidays, but your body does start to die after 25 years.

• 22:52Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 22:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. It starts to, um, just, I don't think your body makes any new cells or, you know, but I'm also not reliable as far as science or anything, really.

• 23:06Fortune Feimster?

  I've been trying to have cozy time because, uh,

• 23:09Tig Notaro?

  Hello.

• 23:10Fortune Feimster?

  I've been putting the fireplace on at night.

• 23:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 23:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 23:15Fortune Feimster?

  And getting a blanket out.

• 23:17Tig Notaro?

  Go on.

• 23:18Fortune Feimster?

  And me and my biggie boy cuddle up on the couch.

• 23:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 23:22Fortune Feimster?

  I did open up a bottle of wine the other night.

• 23:24Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 23:25Tig Notaro?

  And then you recorked it immediately?

• 23:28Fortune Feimster?

  I poured one glass and recorked it. I put out my little tiny pink Christmas tree.

• 23:34Tig Notaro?

  How tiny.

• 23:35Mae Martin?

  You have a tiny pink Christmas?

• 23:37Fortune Feimster?

  Four footer. No, not maybe a three and a half footer.

• 23:39Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 23:40Fortune Feimster?

  It's a little.

• 23:41Tig Notaro?

  Okay, well, let's find out. Is it three and a half or four feet?

• 23:44Fortune Feimster?

  Three and a half.

• 23:44Tig Notaro?

  All right.

• 23:45Fortune Feimster?

  And it's pink.

• 23:46Mae Martin?

  That's nice. I got a tree and um, my, my friend Matt, who lives in the back and his girlfriend, she has never decorated a tree before. It's just not a thing in China. And she was so excited. And I bought all these ornaments and stuff and, and lights. And then it really, I had to make such a conscious effort to just let her do her thing. Like, I didn't realize till we started how opinionated I was about like, oh, well, we can, yep, that's a little high for that ball. Like, I want to space it out a little. And the lights especially, I'm like, you gotta put the lights deep in by the stalk, the trunk. And um, it's pretty wild, the, with the result, but it looks pretty cozy. Have you guys done decorations today?

• 24:28Tig Notaro?

  Um, we had a little bit of a, a tree trimming party with Stephanie's mother, which we um, she comes in town and uh, and she's the strongest one out of everyone and um,

• 24:42Mae Martin?

  What do you mean? She is like, like pumping iron?

• 24:47Tig Notaro?

  Not, no, but she's just like, she's, she's a sturdy woman and uh, sure, she's inching towards 70, but like, she climbs up into our, our garage and pulls down every, we just, it depends on what our holiday plans are. If we get a real tree or we use a, a fake one. So this year, we use the um, the fake one. And man, Nana pulled that down off of that top shelf! And um, and uh, yeah, so we had a nice night of Christmas music and um, well, I was gonna say eggnog, but we had. Oat nog.

• 25:25Fortune Feimster?

  Oat nog.

• 25:27Tig Notaro?

  We had oat nog and we put the ornaments on and yeah, and all the kitties circled around. It was, it was nice and I, I feel very lucky and thankful that Nana, she could be like, yeah, whatevs, I live, I live a couple hours away. I'm not going to be driving in for a night, you know, but she comes in, spends the night and we have our little tree trimming party and it's just Max and she always brings Max some thin Christmas socks and they wear them year round and it's, it's just great. It's a good time.

• 26:02Mae Martin?

  I feel like tree trimming must be a euphemism for something. Having like, having a tree trimming. I don't know.

• 26:10Fortune Feimster?

  Like trimming bush?

• 26:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, well, Fortune.

• 26:13Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune. Marine. You said a euphemism for something. I mean, what else could it be?

• 26:19Mae Martin?

  You know what? I realized a toxic quality I have. Sometimes I set you up, Fortune. I'll, I'll say something vaguely.

• 26:27Fortune Feimster?

  For me to take the fall, baby?

• 26:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I don't go all the way.

• 26:32Tig Notaro?

  You're very toxic.

• 26:33Mae Martin?

  I'm toxic.

• 26:34Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, let me see how I can get Fortune in trouble with Tig.

• 26:39Tig Notaro?

  We should play Britney Spears Toxic right now. Drop that in for a little bit.

• 26:46Fortune Feimster?

  It's getting late. Oh my God, what if Britney Spears asked a handsome question?

• 26:51Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 26:52Tig Notaro?

  Oh my.

• 26:53Fortune Feimster?

  She's lucky. She's a star.

• 26:56Mae Martin?

  What's my, okay, my best Britney Spears asking a handsome question would be.

• 27:01Fortune Feimster?

  Hello, handsome. I'm here doing.

• 27:04Mae Martin?

  Isn't that kind of what her Instagram's like these days?

• 27:06Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a little Liza Minnelli in there.

• 27:08Mae Martin?

  And she's like spinning around.

• 27:09Fortune Feimster?

  My question for you is simply this.

• 27:14Fortune Feimster?

  I enjoy Britney.

• 27:16Mae Martin?

  I love her.

• 27:17Tig Notaro?

  We went, I took Stephanie, I got Stephanie, um, Britney Spears in Vegas tickets years ago and we went together and saw that and.

• 27:27Mae Martin?

  How was it?

• 27:28Tig Notaro?

  It was, it was great. The grandmother side of me came out. I, I'm not that familiar with her music, but a lot of people had on hats that said work bitch.

• 27:40Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. You better work bitch.

• 27:42Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 27:43Fortune Feimster?

  You better work bitch.

• 27:44Tig Notaro?

  And I didn't know that was her song and I was like, huh, that's kind of rude.

• 27:50Fortune Feimster?

  I am working. Stop calling me a bitch.

• 27:53Tig Notaro?

  But now, something did happen during the concert.

• 27:57Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 27:59Tig Notaro?

  And I think what I saw and Stephanie saw was what was happening. And if you are from the Britney Spears team, please get in touch and correct us if we're wrong.

• 28:13Tig Notaro?

  But when she was dancing and singing.

• 28:19Fortune Feimster?

  You saw a titty?

• 28:20Tig Notaro?

  No, I think I saw something used for menstrual cycles, maybe in pad form. It was sticking out and then she mysteriously danced offstage for a while. Oh, my God.

• 28:38Fortune Feimster?

  I just sent someone from the team. Hello, we would like to.

• 28:42Tig Notaro?

  Talk to Dick.

• 28:42Fortune Feimster?

  Correction there. Oh, my God.

• 28:47Tig Notaro?

  But I was like, Stephanie, what is that weird white thing sticking out of her leotard? And, you know, whatever. And Stephanie's like, oh, my God. And then truly moments later, she danced awkwardly off the stage. And then she reappeared and it was not there anymore.

• 29:06Fortune Feimster?

  See, this is the problem with leotards. It's why I stay away from them.

• 29:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, exactly why the three of us. Yeah, including Thomas. I would imagine he keeps his distance from a leotard.

• 29:17Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want my big old pad coming out of my leotard.

• 29:20Tig Notaro?

  Because that's what you, I thought you used 200 tampons.

• 29:26Fortune Feimster?

  Plug up my cooter.

• 29:30Fortune Feimster?

  I need all those tampons to plug my cooter.

• 29:33Mae Martin?

  I have an embarrassing story that I just thought of that I haven't thought of in so long, which is age 14 at Second City. Like 14, you're still figuring your period out. Like, you know what I mean? You're too embarrassed to ask advice or anything and you're freestyling. And yeah, braces, acne, long hair.

• 29:52Mae Martin?

  And I guess I'd run out of like tampons or pods or whatever. And I just wadded up toilet paper.

• 29:58Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 29:59Mae Martin?

  Is this gross? Whatever.

• 30:00Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 30:01Mae Martin?

  Whatevs, right, Biggie? So it was in my jeans, in my underwear, and it must have fallen out and down my trouser leg. And out onto the floor. And then somebody found it, was like, oh, what's it? It was in Second City, the comedy club, on the floor. And someone was going, there's a bloody tissue on the floor. And I was going, I was going, oh, no. Whose is that? And my heart was pounding.

• 30:25Fortune Feimster?

  Disgusting.

• 30:27Tig Notaro?

  You knew it was your bloody tissue.

• 30:29Mae Martin?

  Oh, right away. Yeah. Oh, my god.

• 30:32Fortune Feimster?

  Hopefully, they don't test this for DNA.

• 30:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Oh, god.

• 30:36Tig Notaro?

  What if that's what Second City was like? If you find any bloody tissue on the stage, we do have a DNA tester.

• 30:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah, send it to the Second City lab. Yeah.

• 30:47Tig Notaro?

  The front bottom.

• 30:48Fortune Feimster?

  So someone had to be the one to pick it up.

• 30:51Mae Martin?

  Oh, this poor... It would have been weird if I was like, I don't know whose that is, but I'll pick it up.

• 30:57Fortune Feimster?

  I'll pick it up and I'll throw it away. And the whole time, you're like, this is disgusting, you guys.

• 31:03Tig Notaro?

  You guys, my friend Steph Willen, who is also a producer on Come See Me in the Good Light, the Andrea doc, who, the one who got thumbed.

• 31:15Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:16Tig Notaro?

  In the, at the dinner party.

• 31:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:18Tig Notaro?

  If you haven't seen Come See Me in the Good Light, check it out. You'll see who Steph is.

• 31:22Fortune Feimster?

  What's wrong with a little thumb here and there?

• 31:24Tig Notaro?

  Ah, that's not what we're talking about right now. But listen, Steph was, had just moved to LA. She had gotten an acting job, but she was completely unaware of how props worked or anything like that. And she was told in a rehearsal, when they were blocking the scene and rehearsing and whatever, they were like, and then this is, and then at this point, then Steph will throw her dirty underwear.

• 31:56Mae Martin?

  Oh, this.

• 31:57Tig Notaro?

  Onto the floor.

• 31:58Mae Martin?

  This rings a bell.

• 32:00Tig Notaro?

  And she was like, oh, god, this is so uncomfortable. But she took her underwear off.

• 32:06Mae Martin?

  Her real underwear.

• 32:08Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 32:12Tig Notaro?

  Anyway, so, um, yeah, and then somebody was like, whose underwear is like after somebody, everybody had walked away, somebody asked whose underwear that was, just like, oh, it's mine.

• 32:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 32:25Tig Notaro?

  And they're like, no, we, we use prop underwear. You don't have to take your, your own filthy underwear off and toss it to the middle of the room.

• 32:34Fortune Feimster?

  They go, pew.

• 32:36Tig Notaro?

  Your bloody underwear. Should we go to, um, our question asker?

• 32:41Mae Martin?

  Yes, off that.

• 32:42Fortune Feimster?

  I guess if you don't want to talk about this and talk about periods anymore.

• 32:45Tig Notaro?

  If anybody's listening still.

• 32:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:54Mae Martin?

  Today's question asker is a standup comedian and actor who's appeared in shows like Corporate, The Great North, and BoJack Horseman. Her brand new comedy special, Hopeful Potato, what a great name, is out now on Dropout TV. Aparna Nancherla is asking today's question.

• 33:10Tig Notaro?

  Nice, she's one of the best.

• 33:12Mae Martin?

  She really is.

• 33:14Fortune Feimster?

  So funny.

• 33:15Speaker 03

  Hello, handsome. It is I, Aparna Nancherla. I am so honored to be speaking to all three of you together. I'm a huge fan of each of you. I love you all, and I've never had the privilege of speaking to you as one big, powerful, holy trinity. So, what a day, what a day. Here's my question. What is the biggest faux pas you've made at a holiday party? Now, a holiday party, traditionally a place where someone might indulge in a little too much nog, gently cross a boundary, say something they shouldn't have to the wrong person. So, you know, anything along those lines.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  I invite you to get as messy, as gratuitous as possible. I really want you to go there, and I will accompany you there as well.

• 34:07Tig Notaro?

  I have all the faith in the world that Aparna has a nightmare story.

• 34:12Fortune Feimster?

  A good story.

• 34:13Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I just, I have, she is...

• 34:17Tig Notaro?

  It's just, of course, this is her question.

• 34:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:20Tig Notaro?

  And of course, she's got a great, but I just have to say, she is by far one of my favorite stand ups.

• 34:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:26Fortune Feimster?

  She's very funny.

• 34:27Tig Notaro?

  She is so funny.

• 34:29Mae Martin?

  I can't even remember the first time I saw her, but yeah, she is one of the, yeah, so smart too. I mean, one powerful holy trinity, why have we never been called that before?

• 34:40Tig Notaro?

  Why isn't that the name of our podcast?

• 34:42Mae Martin?

  Podcast, yeah.

• 34:44Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, holiday party faux pas.

• 34:46Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 34:47Fortune Feimster?

  I, I am into holiday parties because usually there's gonna be a lot of good snacks.

• 34:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:53Fortune Feimster?

  So I feel like the, especially Christmas parties.

• 34:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:57Fortune Feimster?

  Are like, I feel like it's more food than like other, like a birthday party.

• 35:02Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 35:03Fortune Feimster?

  It just feels like it's colder outside, people just wanna eat.

• 35:08Mae Martin?

  And you know what, like they're more substantial snacks, like at a regular party, you might get what's chips in a dip. Christmas party, you're getting pigs in a blanket.

• 35:16Fortune Feimster?

  Beef wellington.

• 35:18Tig Notaro?

  Listen, I'll still go anywhere for chips in a dip.

• 35:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 35:23Fortune Feimster?

  I love a chip in a dip.

• 35:24Tig Notaro?

  I love you too.

• 35:27Fortune Feimster?

  So I, part of my faux pas is usually going straight for the food table and like having no self-control. And just shoving a wad of cheese into my mouth.

• 35:41Tig Notaro?

  Atta girl.

• 35:42Fortune Feimster?

  And people are like, I've, I've just gotten to the party, so they're trying to talk to me and I'm just like full of cheese.

• 35:49Tig Notaro?

  You're like, where is the cheese?

• 35:50Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I'm spilling stuff everywhere. That's usually my faux pas is just being a beast.

• 35:56Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 35:57Mae Martin?

  I had a friend, or have a friend called Gabby, who's a very tactile person and also highly anxious. And she, I once found her at a party, she didn't know anyone, I'd brought her as my plus one. And I found her at the snack table and she was, without thinking, she was talking to someone and she was stroking the brie. Like, like touching the brie and I went.

• 36:19Fortune Feimster?

  On the top of it, the casing?

• 36:21Tig Notaro?

  Does that mean the same thing as trimming the tree?

• 36:24Mae Martin?

  She was stroking the brie.

• 36:26Fortune Feimster?

  We're talking about bush again?

• 36:27Mae Martin?

  And trimming the tree. Yeah. And she was like, I just like how it feels. And I was like, you can't, you can't do that.

• 36:33Fortune Feimster?

  No. I'll tell you, somebody, a person's faux pas that I was, it was not my faux pas, but I had to be a part of it.

• 36:42Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 36:43Fortune Feimster?

  I went to one Christmas party and it people have been drinking and having a good time. And um, here's the thing, I'm always very conscious of when I go to a party. If you go to the bathroom, you gotta like make sure the door is locked like it's just party 101.

• 37:00Tig Notaro?

  Cause people are trying to get in there and see you doing your business.

• 37:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, and you don't wanna be like, you don't wanna be like on a toilet with your pants around your legs and someone's busting in. So it was near the end of the night, a lot of people had were gone and I went to the bathroom.

• 37:18Fortune Feimster?

  And I opened the door because it was unlocked. And there were two people on the floor of the bathroom. Doing the, doing the dirty deed.

• 37:29Tig Notaro?

  On the floor?

• 37:30Fortune Feimster?

  On the floor.

• 37:31Mae Martin?

  Having full intercourse?

• 37:33Tig Notaro?

  Who cares about that, May? They were touching the floor?

• 37:37Fortune Feimster?

  And this was an adult party. This was like four years ago. This was not like high school.

• 37:41Tig Notaro?

  Did you know the people?

• 37:43Fortune Feimster?

  Yes. And so then my faux pas probably was, I think you're like you walk in on that, you're you shut the door and move on with your business.

• 37:52Tig Notaro?

  You just sat on the toilet.

• 37:54Fortune Feimster?

  No, my faux pas was I slowly shut the door and I went back to the party and told everybody.

• 38:04Fortune Feimster?

  So when, so when they came out, everyone was like staring at them.

• 38:10Tig Notaro?

  And I hope not touching them. Who were these people? Go ahead and say names.

• 38:15Fortune Feimster?

  I'll never tell, I'll never tell.

• 38:16Tig Notaro?

  Why? Can we bleep it out? Just tell us right now.

• 38:18Fortune Feimster?

  No, I'll tell you later.

• 38:20Mae Martin?

  Do we know them?

• 38:21Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think you know the girl.

• 38:25Mae Martin?

  Oh, but we know.

• 38:26Fortune Feimster?

  You might know the guy.

• 38:27Tig Notaro?

  Love it, Thomas.

• 38:29Fortune Feimster?

  Love it. It was not Thomas. I did not know Thomas then. But that's a faux pas for sure. I don't think you should be doing that in another person's bathroom. It should not be during a party and you should, and if you are gonna break these rules, you have to lock the door.

• 38:46Tig Notaro?

  And were they clearly drunk?

• 38:48Fortune Feimster?

  They'd been drinking, but I don't know that they were like hammered. I think they just wanted to have sex.

• 38:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Mae Martin?

  And also you know.

• 38:56Fortune Feimster?

  It's horny.

• 38:57Mae Martin?

  And it's never gonna be like a couple who's been married for 15 years that are doing that. It's gonna be two people who probably shouldn't.

• 39:03Fortune Feimster?

  It was a new situation.

• 39:05Mae Martin?

  New situation.

• 39:06Tig Notaro?

  Are they still together?

• 39:07Fortune Feimster?

  They are not. I don't think they lasted much longer.

• 39:11Tig Notaro?

  Past that night?

• 39:12Fortune Feimster?

  Couple months past that, yeah.

• 39:14Mae Martin?

  Imagine if you asked your parents how you were conceived and they said, "On the floor."

• 39:19Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I just was like, "Oh, my gosh." She was like, basically on, on top of them. And I was just like, "Oh, my god."

• 39:29Tig Notaro?

  I mean, gross. And did they see you come in?

• 39:34Fortune Feimster?

  They sure did.

• 39:40Tig Notaro?

  My gosh. That is, everybody involved faux pod.

• 39:45Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, they were like, "I can't believe you told everybody." I was like, "I'm the one?"

• 39:51Tig Notaro?

  Were they legitimately upset with you?

• 39:54Fortune Feimster?

  No, they weren't, they weren't upset, but more, more sheepish of like, "Yeah."

• 39:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's so funny.

• 40:01Fortune Feimster?

  But, you know, it was a bunch of comedians that were there, so they were all laughing. Nobody was like, you know, it was like, whatever.

• 40:09Mae Martin?

  Good to have a little gossip at the party. That's pretty juicy.

• 40:13Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that was a juicy moment.

• 40:15Tig Notaro?

  Were they like whatevs, like, like old dead eyes?

• 40:18Fortune Feimster?

  Came out of the bathroom and was like, "What's up, everybody? Hey, what's going on?"

• 40:24Tig Notaro?

  Just waiting for you to stop having sex on the toilet?

• 40:29Fortune Feimster?

  No, this was in the floor.

• 40:30Tig Notaro?

  No, I know. I'm just trying to move them off the floor in my mind. It's so gross. It's so gross.

• 40:40Mae Martin?

  I've, I have had sex in bathrooms, though.

• 40:43Tig Notaro?

  On the floor?

• 40:44Mae Martin?

  I think so.

• 40:45Fortune Feimster?

  I have not. I have not ventured into a, I've not done that.

• 40:49Mae Martin?

  I think I, oh, definitely in the bathroom on a train.

• 40:54Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, on a train?

• 40:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:56Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, like on a...

• 40:59Mae Martin?

  What did you think?

• 41:00Fortune Feimster?

  I was thinking of like, you know, the trains that go around the village of, of a Christmas tree.

• 41:06Tig Notaro?

  It's the season.

• 41:08Mae Martin?

  Like a little caboose.

• 41:09Fortune Feimster?

  I was trying to picture that. I was like, oh. You mean on an actual train? Gotcha.

• 41:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, in the bathroom or, yeah.

• 41:16Fortune Feimster?

  You just couldn't, you were just so like, I got we gots to right now.

• 41:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I think so. But yeah, looking back, yeah, pretty good.

• 41:24Tig Notaro?

  Did you go up to that person and say chug a chug a choo choo? Do you know what I mean?

• 41:29Mae Martin?

  If you know what I mean.

• 41:31Fortune Feimster?

  Did you know this person?

• 41:33Mae Martin?

  Yes, we were, we were dating. But she was closeted, so and a lot of people we knew were on the train going up to Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And nobody knew we were dating and it was during that like hellish time. And then.

• 41:47Tig Notaro?

  Can I assure her name?

• 41:49Mae Martin?

  Off the pause. Yes.

• 41:53Mae Martin?

  But yeah, I had a holiday party on Sunday. I had a little gathering of just, I mean, I realized all my friends in LA are like Toronto friends from 20 years ago. Like I, I've got Matt, Alana, my friend Ally, Sabrina Jalise, they're all people I've known since my teens. So we were.

• 42:12Tig Notaro?

  Do they all live in LA or?

• 42:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah, I just followed them here, I guess. And yeah, but we did, we did the tree and then my faux pas was trying to make everyone play Pictionary. That was.

• 42:23Fortune Feimster?

  You do love the game.

• 42:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, I went down like a lead balloon.

• 42:26Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, they didn't like it? So it's, it depends on the group and the, and the vibe.

• 42:31Mae Martin?

  I, I think that it came with all these rules and instructions. I remember Pictionary being very chill and loose, but it was really rigid.

• 42:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, but who made it rigid?

• 42:41Mae Martin?

  Me.

• 42:43Tig Notaro?

  Well, that's a fun time.

• 42:44Fortune Feimster?

  You're like a rule person with the games. Like we gotta do this. This is what, how it goes. You cannot do that. Give me the cards.

• 42:50Mae Martin?

  Maybe a little bit, but I, I wanted, I made Rice Krispie squares. That was the good thing I did at the party. Like it's so easy. Marshmallows and butter, bit of vanilla, and then just pour in a box of Rice Krispies. Don't even have to bake it. Just let it cool. Oh.

• 43:04Tig Notaro?

  Oh my gosh, it's okay if it jiggles, right?

• 43:06Fortune Feimster?

  Do you ever call Rice Krispie treats or do you just call them squares?

• 43:10Mae Martin?

  Oh, in Canada, we say squares.

• 43:12Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we call them treats.

• 43:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we take it up a notch.

• 43:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we're like, it's more than a square.

• 43:18Tig Notaro?

  It's a treat.

• 43:19Mae Martin?

  We're not getting a, you know, we're not projecting that it's gonna be good yet. We just go, it's a square.

• 43:23Tig Notaro?

  Well, that's like, if you call somebody a total square, you should call them a total treat.

• 43:29Mae Martin?

  You are a total treat. Yeah.

• 43:31Tig Notaro?

  Man, that guy's a total treat.

• 43:33Mae Martin?

  Do you have any faux pas's tig that you've made?

• 43:37Tig Notaro?

  Well, I, I think I make them all the time. Just trying to make my way through this life, but.

• 43:46Fortune Feimster?

  As the slow decline.

• 43:48Tig Notaro?

  Yes, and to barreling into hell and.

• 43:52Fortune Feimster?

  Barreling into hell.

• 43:57Tig Notaro?

  I, I don't feel that way. I don't feel that I'm barreling into hell, but it is fun to say.

• 44:02Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 44:03Tig Notaro?

  I don't, I don't know. I'm, I would say this isn't a holiday faux pas. So apologies, Aparna, and get off my back if this upsets you, Aparna. But I went to a Sundance party. It was my first time ever at Sundance and a friend of mine told me to meet her there. And that it was people from the TV show ER that were having this party. And I was standing outside and I was like knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell. And nobody answered because there was loud music and nobody was like, oh, somebody's at the door.

• 44:48Tig Notaro?

  It was just like, I just was like, you know, politely standing out there ringing, dinging and knocking. And then somebody came out and then I went in and I was waiting for my friend who I didn't see anywhere. And I was feeling a little kind of, I didn't know where to go or what to do. And so I went and stood by the snacks and I just really got into those snacks. I had been snowboarding all day.

• 45:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 45:16Tig Notaro?

  And I had my sunglasses around my neck still.

• 45:21Fortune Feimster?

  Good luck.

• 45:23Tig Notaro?

  And it was like on that kind of little rope.

• 45:26Fortune Feimster?

  String.

• 45:27Tig Notaro?

  String, whatever. My sunglasses were hanging on. And I'm having snacks until the cows come home, just eating by myself by the table.

• 45:37Fortune Feimster?

  Like me.

• 45:38Tig Notaro?

  Yes. And this girl comes up and starts talking to me and we're chatting. And then after she walked away, I looked down and you guys.

• 45:50Tig Notaro?

  My glasses had collected all of the crumbs of my snacks that I was eating. And they were, it was like a, yeah, it was just like a cradle of crumbs hanging around my neck. And it was, I was like, oh my God, like, what did this person think? And also, was she on ER?

• 46:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:12Tig Notaro?

  We'll never know.

• 46:14Mae Martin?

  Juliana Margulies.

• 46:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I have no idea. How did you say her name?

• 46:19Mae Martin?

  How, what is her name?

• 46:20Tig Notaro?

  No, just you say it, give it another whirl.

• 46:22Mae Martin?

  Okay, I'm saying Juliana Margulies.

• 46:26Fortune Feimster?

  Margulies? I like that.

• 46:29Mae Martin?

  What?

• 46:29Fortune Feimster?

  Margulies? I think it's Margalise, maybe?

• 46:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 46:33Fortune Feimster?

  I do like the gay version of her name.

• 46:38Fortune Feimster?

  Why can't I think of another actress on that show?

• 46:41Mae Martin?

  I know, I couldn't either. I went Noah Wiley, George Clooney.

• 46:44Tig Notaro?

  Well, I know there was an actual Les on that show. Her name was George Fox, Georgia Fox. She went by George and we ran in the same circle. But I haven't run into her in years, but she was, I think she was the reason I was invited to that party.

• 47:02Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, the Les, inviting the Les.

• 47:05Tig Notaro?

  But not Juliana, Juliana, is it Julianne or Juliana?

• 47:09Mae Martin?

  Juliana Margulies.

• 47:10Fortune Feimster?

  Juliana Margulies?

• 47:11Mae Martin?

  You know who was on that show's, Maura Tierney, who is a real

• 47:16Fortune Feimster?

  I like her.

• 47:16Mae Martin?

  gay awakening for a lot of people. She's straight, I think, but I loved her growing up. I used to have dreams about her. Just hanging out.

• 47:24Tig Notaro?

  How peppermint patty was my big awakening.

• 47:27Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 47:28Mae Martin?

  Yes, that's common. Yeah.

• 47:31Tig Notaro?

  No, it was more of like, wow, I relate to this one.

• 47:34Mae Martin?

  Yes, yeah.

• 47:34Tig Notaro?

  Didn't know why.

• 47:37Tig Notaro?

  Should we hear what a parna has to say?

• 47:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:40Speaker 03

  The biggest faux pas I ever made at a holiday party was actually the very first holiday party I ever attended with my parents. As their plus one, I think I was four or five. Not sure we can carbon date back that far. There weren't smartphones back then, so I, maybe I was 16. I do not know. Anyway, this was a holiday potluck. I had never even been to a potluck before, so I was just blown away by the food options. I think it was the first time I ever had lasagna, which to this day remains one of my favorite foods. Praise be to Garfield. But there was a separate room that had all the desserts. It was like cakes and pies, every seasonal treat imaginable, cookies, gingerbread, everything, candy canes.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  And as a kid with a major sweet tooth, I could not comprehend it. Like my little child brain just melted and I just knew I had to sample each and every one, which I conveyed to my parents through screaming. I just had this huge meltdown where I insisted I had to try them all. My parents were mortified because these were people they did not know that well. And I remember I was rolling on the floor screaming. And finally, the hosts were just like, you know what, just give her what she wants. Give this little boy king what she wants. So they packed some of each dessert into a big box for me. They hustled us out of there.

• 49:07Speaker 03

  And I just remember waking up the next morning because of course I had fallen asleep in the car on the ride home. And I was just ready to sample my bounty. And somehow it had all congealed into one big unidentifiable ball.

• 49:21Mae Martin?

  Oh, no.

• 49:22Speaker 03

  And I just knew I had been tricked somehow, or there had been sabotage among my...

• 49:28Mae Martin?

  Sabotage, for sure.

• 49:31Speaker 03

  Court. And I threw another big fit that next morning. So really, someone was big time on the naughty list that year.

• 49:40Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 49:41Speaker 03

  But yeah, that's my story. Thanks again. Seasons greetings. Happy holidays. Bye.

• 49:48Tig Notaro?

  Bye. Seasons greetings. Happy holidays. I cannot, for the life of me, picture a parna throwing a fit.

• 49:59Mae Martin?

  I know. And also, she said she might have been... I might have been the last fit. Yeah. And she said she might have been sixteen, so that's what I keep picturing and that's making me laugh. She's either four or sixteen. Yeah. That thing of being a kid and being filled with such like consuming desire for something that you're like, I will die if I don't get this. And you don't know your own limits either. Like, I was obsessed with popcorn and like the first time my parents let me have popcorn, I just ate and ate and ate and then projectile threw up all over my bed. But I was, you weren't going to stop me eating.

• 50:32Tig Notaro?

  Nothing's gonna stop us now. I remember a parna opened for me years ago when I did Carnegie Hall. Whoa. And when, after the show, there was like a whole spread, of course, backstage because I have my demands. So I have this spread and we were gonna take it to my hotel room. You know, we had friends in town and Stephanie's mother and father were there because, you know, let's do a Carnegie Hall. And I remember, this is kind of a faux pas, I guess, but we were all carrying all of the food from backstage

• 51:14Tig Notaro?

  to my hotel room. And so I remember a parna and her boyfriend just carrying these huge trays of fruit and vegetables and all sorts of- Let's keep this party going. But we were walking blocks with it. We were walking blocks with half eaten green room food. So, yeah. Probably not the classiest thing to do, but we did it, right, Aparna?

• 51:40Mae Martin?

  Do you guys have any like holiday wishes for, is that a good question for a holiday up?

• 51:46Tig Notaro?

  Holiday wishes.

• 51:49Mae Martin?

  Or even a favorite holiday song?

• 51:53Tig Notaro?

  Holiday wishes.

• 51:56Mae Martin?

  That's my favorite holiday song.

• 51:58Tig Notaro?

  Well, I'm gonna be- One, two, three. Holiday wishes. Beautiful. I'll, um, my mom likes for me to go to church with her on Christmas Eve.

• 52:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 52:14Tig Notaro?

  Praise the Lord. Praise Jesus. Good Christ. So I get ready, I get my church voice ready for that. What's that sound like? Yeah, let's hear it. It's all the Christmas song like, sing Noel, sing Noel, Noel, Noel. Sing Noel, sing Noel, Noel, Noel. Sing Noel.

• 52:37Mae Martin?

  This is what I wanted.

• 52:38Tig Notaro?

  You also clearly have to get your Christmas face on too. Because boy, does it morph into a whole different world. And go.

• 52:49Fortune Feimster?

  All night divine, all night when Christ was born. That's the one I'm going tenor. All night divine, all night.

• 53:12Tig Notaro?

  I would say.

• 53:13Fortune Feimster?

  All night divine.

• 53:16Tig Notaro?

  I would say you're going a Levener.

• 53:21Mae Martin?

  I hope they give you a big solo. I hope like a spotlight lands on you.

• 53:25Fortune Feimster?

  They won't, but I will make sure my voice is heard in that type of singing.

• 53:30Tig Notaro?

  I hope you get discovered at church this year.

• 53:33Fortune Feimster?

  Me too.

• 53:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 53:34Fortune Feimster?

  I wanna, I wanna put out a gospel album or a Christmas album, whatever comes first.

• 53:40Tig Notaro?

  We can do it as a podcast, put it on the list, Thomas.

• 53:44Mae Martin?

  Well, we know our first hit is Holiday Wishes.

• 53:47Fortune Feimster?

  So Holiday.

• 53:48Tig Notaro?

  Holiday wishes.

• 53:52Fortune Feimster?

  What is your holiday wish, May?

• 53:54Mae Martin?

  Peace on earth and mercy, and mercy mild. God and sinners reconciled. No, is that how, is that the lyrics?

• 54:03Fortune Feimster?

  Does God, did God and the sinners reconcile?

• 54:06Mae Martin?

  I don't know, actually. They never needed to reconcile because God loves them no matter what. I don't know. I think my wish is.

• 54:13Fortune Feimster?

  Hark the herald angels sing, that's the, that's that song.

• 54:16Tig Notaro?

  Okay, let's hit it. One, two, three.

• 54:19Fortune Feimster?

  Hark the herald angels sing.

• 54:25Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, fortune.

• 54:28Mae Martin?

  She's coughing and she's muting every time.

• 54:33Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you were right, May. Peace on earth and mercy mild. All hands, sinners reconciled.

• 54:44Mae Martin?

  See, but that's why.

• 54:45Tig Notaro?

  Wait, does it end with they did?

• 54:48Fortune Feimster?

  No, it ends with joyful, ye nations rise.

• 54:55Tig Notaro?

  La la la la la, la la la la. Okay.

• 54:59Fortune Feimster?

  Wrong song, but.

• 55:00Tig Notaro?

  Doesn't matter.

• 55:01Fortune Feimster?

  You have the spirit.

• 55:02Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 55:03Fortune Feimster?

  My holiday wish is that everyone sings like that this holiday.

• 55:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I hope people do some singing and I'm pumped for the year of the horse. We've been in the year of the snake, which is all. Girl, that was the gayest horse I've ever. Please do it again.

• 55:21Fortune Feimster?

  What does the gay, what does the gay horse eat?

• 55:24Mae Martin?

  Hey.

• 55:25Fortune Feimster?

  Hey.

• 55:29Tig Notaro?

  I don't get it.

• 55:30Mae Martin?

  Really, it smells.

• 55:31Fortune Feimster?

  Shut your mouth. You're gonna make me cough again.

• 55:35Mae Martin?

  Can I tell you guys it smells like up dog in this room?

• 55:38Tig Notaro?

  What does that mean?

• 55:40Mae Martin?

  It smells like up dog.

• 55:41Tig Notaro?

  What does that mean?

• 55:43Mae Martin?

  It smells like up dog.

• 55:45Tig Notaro?

  What does that mean?

• 55:47Mae Martin?

  It just smells like.

• 55:49Fortune Feimster?

  You're supposed to say, what is up, dog?

• 55:52Mae Martin?

  And then I say, not much.

• 55:56Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 55:57Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 55:59Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, wait, let's see if I.

• 56:01Mae Martin?

  I was like, I was like, maybe she'll eventually say, what's up, dog?

• 56:05Fortune Feimster?

  There it is.

• 56:06Tig Notaro?

  Thanks, Fortune. No. Oh, my God. I never, I would have just continued to say, what does that mean?

• 56:12Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I was like, Tig's not coming off of this one phrase.

• 56:15Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. Well, I learned that from one of the Fortunes gaggle of girls on set yesterday. They said it smells like up dog. I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker. I went, what's up, dog? And they said, not much.

• 56:26Fortune Feimster?

  Will does that to me. I fall for it every time. I'll be singing something. He goes, who sings that? And I'll earnestly tell him and he goes, why don't you let them sing?

• 56:34Mae Martin?

  Or let's keep it that way. I heard him. I heard him do that to you.

• 56:37Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, and I fall for it every time.

• 56:40Tig Notaro?

  Every time.

• 56:42Fortune Feimster?

  Well, what a treat you guys are. My holiday wish. It's for everyone to keep it handsome.

• 56:48Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm. That would be great, right? Because sometimes people don't keep things handsome.

• 56:53Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 56:54Tig Notaro?

  And we have got to keep it handsome.

• 56:58Mae Martin?

  I also want to say that I know the holidays are tough for some people and it's a weird time of year. And there's so much pressure to be happy and with family. And I just want to say, no matter what you're doing, just like, take care of yourself. I'll be, I'll be by myself with buddies on Christmas. I'm gonna enjoy it. And we just are sending you a lot of love.

• 57:19Fortune Feimster?

  We sure are.

• 57:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and I'm gonna send you to some of my shows coming up, right?

• 57:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, great.

• 57:27Fortune Feimster?

  What's your bathroom robe?

• 57:30Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you got me. Well, I have several dates, so I'm just gonna hit a few here. February 20th, Oklahoma City. Uh huh. And then February 21st, we got Midland, Texas. What else do you have? Oh, well, I have Cincinnati, March 13th. I have got, uh, hold it, hold on there. I just, I don't know. I can't read very well. But go to tignotaro.com for all my tour information. I'm also always doing shows, mostly every month at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. And please, if you haven't watched

• 58:11Tig Notaro?

  the documentary Come See Me in a Good Light, check it out.

• 58:16Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm. I've got this big tour coming up and I'm adding extra dates and stuff. I just added one in Vegas. And also, I think I need people to buy more tickets in Austin. That one's a little slow, but I'm excited to see everybody. You can go to maymartin.net. If you need last minute presents for people. Go to get some tickets to our shows or some Handsome Pod merch. Why not?

• 58:42Fortune Feimster?

  Why not?

• 58:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't see why not.

• 58:45Fortune Feimster?

  I don't. I'm gonna be in Norfolk, Virginia on the 27th of December, and then Salt Lake City, Vancouver, and then New Year's Eve in Seattle, Washington, followed by after the New Year, New Orleans, Mobile, Atlanta, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, a bunch of places. So, on the website. We also want to remind people that we did a live show yesterday.

• 59:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, right. Can't forget that.

• 59:10Fortune Feimster?

  That link is available for a week. So, super fun Holly Bob show.

• 59:17Tig Notaro?

  Holly Bob's. And also, you can give that as a gift. Get somebody a ticket to that, right?

• 59:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So you want to get that link. It's really fun.

• 59:28Tig Notaro?

  That was a fun time. And until next time, I don't know.

• 59:37Fortune Feimster?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woolett. Email us at [email protected] and follow us on social media @handsomepod.

• 59:53Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast.

• 59:59Fortune Feimster?

  That was a HeadGum podcast.

• 1:00:02Speaker 04

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 1:00:03Speaker 05

  And Hannah Simone.

• 1:00:05Speaker 04

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

• 1:00:26Speaker 05

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:00:39Speaker 04

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:00:50Speaker 05

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.