Ashlyn Harris asks about Handsome starter packs

The multitalented Ashlyn Harris asks a delightful question about what Tig, Mae, and Fortune would include in their "Handsome starter packs." Plus menopause moustaches, honking on the highway, and a visit from... the crap fairy! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:34Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 0:53Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:25Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSSOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Handsome Pod. Cheers.

• 1:49Tig Notaro?

  Hi, it's your friend Tig Notaro, sitting here with my co-host.

• 1:53Mae Martin?

  Mae Martin.

• 1:55Tig Notaro?

  And Fortune Feimster. Welcome to the Handsome Pod.

• 1:59Mae Martin?

  Welcome.

• 2:00Tig Notaro?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome. If it's your first time, please sit down, make yourself comfortable. We are happy, happy you're here.

• 2:08Mae Martin?

  Thrilled that you found your way here to this little enclave of friendship and...

• 2:15Tig Notaro?

  Did you say enclave?

• 2:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Oh no, did I say something wrong already?

• 2:21Tig Notaro?

  Well, I think it's two against one. I would bet it's two against one.

• 2:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I do say enclave, but that's alright. You have your Canadian spin.

• 2:30Mae Martin?

  You know, I've never said it out loud before. I think I've only read it. Enclave. Yeah, that sounds better.

• 2:35Fortune Feimster?

  I only know it because as I've told you all before, my mom used to refer to Province Town as a gay enclave.

• 2:42Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes. I recall.

• 2:46Fortune Feimster?

  So that's, that was always steered into my brain because of that.

• 2:50Mae Martin?

  A gay enclave.

• 2:52Fortune Feimster?

  A gay enclave, May?

• 2:53Tig Notaro?

  Not a gay enclave.

• 2:56Mae Martin?

  A gay enclave.

• 2:58Fortune Feimster?

  Well, something that is in is Tig's mustache. We

• 3:02Tig Notaro?

  Menopause.

• 3:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, menopause is really busted through.

• 3:06Mae Martin?

  Yes, it has.

• 3:06Mae Martin?

  That's just like a thick five o'clock shadow above your lip.

• 3:10Tig Notaro?

  I have to, I have to shave it a couple of times a day. Actually, it's very, yeah. Also, I'm Italian, so it's a whole situation.

• 3:18Fortune Feimster?

  That's like handlebar mustache right there. That's something that someone would grab onto and take a good old.

• 3:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:28Fortune Feimster?

  Take a

• 3:29Tig Notaro?

  Good old.

• 3:30Fortune Feimster?

  Good old.

• 3:31Tig Notaro?

  What? No. What?

• 3:35Tig Notaro?

  A good old.

• 3:36Fortune Feimster?

  Take a, a good old ride on the mustache.

• 3:40Mae Martin?

  Wait, what?

• 3:41Tig Notaro?

  Fortunately.

• 3:43Mae Martin?

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 3:44Tig Notaro?

  My goodness.

• 3:45Fortune Feimster?

  Tried not to say it.

• 3:47Mae Martin?

  I didn't know what was happening there.

• 3:49Fortune Feimster?

  You, I thought, May, I thought you knew exactly where this was going.

• 3:53Mae Martin?

  I thought you were gonna say like a good old tug or something like that.

• 3:57Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 3:57Fortune Feimster?

  No, just free mustache rides.

• 3:59Tig Notaro?

  Right, it's just menopause. Just menopause.

• 4:04Tig Notaro?

  The menopause mustache.

• 4:04Fortune Feimster?

  Never heard of a old mustache ride?

• 4:07Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god.

• 4:08Mae Martin?

  But if you're new to the pod also, go to YouTube, Tig, this isn't just that Tig has sprouted a little bit of menopausal stash. There's a thick mustache happening.

• 4:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I'm 54. I did tell someone the other day I was 45, which is not true.

• 4:24Fortune Feimster?

  Why did you say that?

• 4:25Tig Notaro?

  I got my numbers mixed up in like a clock heart kind of way. Yeah, I was like, well, I'm 45. And I was like, wait, I'm not. It's been a while.

• 4:35Fortune Feimster?

  And you kept trying to find that person to correct yourself.

• 4:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 4:39Fortune Feimster?

  They're like, okay.

• 4:42Tig Notaro?

  How are you both? Yeah. How are, how are you? How are you? Well, this is gonna air quite a while after how we are today. Yeah. Yeah. But I'll tell you, I am happy to be home and warm and dry because I was on the Star Trek 60th Anniversary Rose Parade float. Woo! And it was God. pouring rain. Uh huh. And it was cold. Yeah. And, um, and yeah, I didn't know what I was quite in for. I was like, I don't know if this is really my style, but I'm gonna go out of my comfort zone here and wave to people and say Happy New Year.

• 5:25Tig Notaro?

  Smile and Yeah. And then, guys, something very surprising happened. What? It made me emotional. Really? Yes. How so? Like the Grinch, like your heart grew three sizes. Yes. Well, I feel like I'm, I'm pretty emotional. I'm pretty, not like hyper so, but, um, things get me. This, I didn't expect to get me. Right. Yeah. What about it got you? There was such a mix of hope and desperation in people's faces for a Happy New Year. Oh. You know? And like, when I was looking at these people who had made a decision

• 6:09Tig Notaro?

  to come out in the cold rain, to stand for hours and wave. And this is not like just a parade full of celebrities and public figures. Some of it is just like a whole float saying, come visit Louisiana, come visit Mississippi, and then this high school marching band. And you know what I mean? It's like, it's, it's not celebrity heavy. It's, it's like such a mix. Community. Yeah. And then to see people leave, I don't know why it struck me, but like when I really locked in with people's faces and eyes, I was really trying to

• 6:52Tig Notaro?

  Really get them to have a happy new year. Like I was like, like I would make eye contact and I would be like, have a happy new, I would just like, man, please, like I, like looking into just faces of like the elderly, elderly, elderly. And then also people that you could tell maybe didn't have a lot of money. And then little kids and just, it just runs the gamut where you're just like, and they're all just being decent, wonderful people. And then you also see like these tatted up guys, tattoos up to their, up their neck.

• 7:36Mae Martin?

  We've got to go to the parade today.

• 7:37Tig Notaro?

  But truly like somebody where you would think, oh, this person might make me uncomfortable. Cause they look like a tough guy. And then this guy is just waving with all of his heart and soul like, happy new year, like smiling so big. And I was just like, this is killing me. This is killing me in the best way. And when I came home and told Stephanie that she was like, that's so interesting. And I started telling her and then she teared up. She was like, wow, I, I get it. Like it's so crazy. Those little moments that you do not expect are gonna get you. And then another fun surprise.

• 8:19Mae Martin?

  What?

• 8:19Tig Notaro?

  So many handsome fans.

• 8:23Mae Martin?

  No.

• 8:23Tig Notaro?

  Really? Screaming at me and having merchandise and T-shirts. I guess, did I mention it on here?

• 8:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you did. Yeah.

• 8:31Tig Notaro?

  Okay. And people are just like.

• 8:35Mae Martin?

  They're keeping it handsome in the rain.

• 8:37Tig Notaro?

  And truly yelling from their rain ponchos, keep it handsome. Like holding their merch and I, I just, it was really something. It was, yeah. And of course it would have been. All that much better if it wasn't raining and cold.

• 8:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Did you have like a Star Trek themed raincoat or something? Do they give you something?

• 8:57Tig Notaro?

  They give you like a clear poncho and a clear umbrella and the rain kind of came and went, but I just kind of settled into, okay, I'm going to be freezing cold.

• 9:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:08Tig Notaro?

  And I'm going to be alive at the end of this situation. And, uh, but it was not terribly comfortable.

• 9:16Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 9:16Tig Notaro?

  But it was so worth it to see all of those, again, a mix between desperation and joy of, and mainly joy. It was just like, it was the best feeling. I would do it every year. I would do it every single year. I'd wave on any, any float. We should get a handsome float.

• 9:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:37Tig Notaro?

  There we go.

• 9:37Mae Martin?

  Well, I know you've always, I know you love parades in general. Um, you love like, or like.

• 9:42Tig Notaro?

  I love a parade.

• 9:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:44Tig Notaro?

  Don't rain on it.

• 9:45Mae Martin?

  That mustache.

• 9:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 9:48Mae Martin?

  He tracked your parade.

• 9:50Tig Notaro?

  You know, I love a parade.

• 9:53Mae Martin?

  It's just like.

• 9:53Tig Notaro?

  And don't rain on it. Well, they did today. They rained on my parade.

• 9:57Mae Martin?

  It's always reassuring when you get out and about, or even at a comedy show or something like when people get together. It's like, especially it's January, it's dark. I think there's a lot of pressure to like hit the ground running in the year and like, oh, I gotta be thriving, but it's still winter. Like things are dark and rainy. And if you're feeling low, this is a great advertisement for getting out with your friends or going to, yeah, go see a movie where you're just with a bunch of people in one place.

• 10:25Tig Notaro?

  I say, go to a parade.

• 10:27Mae Martin?

  Go to a parade.

• 10:28Tig Notaro?

  Go to a parade and wave for hours at people. And I'm telling you, it feel, it does the heart some good. And, uh, yeah, I just. I now really love a parade.

• 10:42Fortune Feimster?

  I love a parade, too. I haven't been to a non-gay parade in a while. Most of the parades I've attended have been for the gays.

• 10:49Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 10:50Fortune Feimster?

  But this straight one sounds lovely.

• 10:52Tig Notaro?

  I've also done Mardi Gras parades. Like, my hometown will have, they have their Mardi Gras parade. And I used to get on the float as a little kid and throw stuff.

• 11:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 11:03Tig Notaro?

  But, um, this was a whole different thing.

• 11:06Fortune Feimster?

  I've never been to a Mardi Gras parade, uh, in New Orleans especially.

• 11:11Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 11:11Fortune Feimster?

  But, uh, I'm intrigued because I've heard the, what the beads do when you throw those.

• 11:19Tig Notaro?

  What do they do?

• 11:20Fortune Feimster?

  You get to see, you know.

• 11:22Mae Martin?

  Here we go. You guys know? You were so wholesome. We were, we were having such a wholesome and old mustache, right?

• 11:30Fortune Feimster?

  You're making me say it. I'm trying not to.

• 11:33Tig Notaro?

  All right.

• 11:34Mae Martin?

  You get, you get to see.

• 11:36Tig Notaro?

  Mystectomy scars.

• 11:37Fortune Feimster?

  You get to see tickle bitties. That's right. So, sign me up for that parade for sure.

• 11:44Tig Notaro?

  See, I've, I've done my share of New Orleans Mardi Gras, but it's, that's a little too much for me. I like a small-town Mardi Gras.

• 11:52Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that, that one seems like it would be just like debaucherous crazy.

• 11:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:57Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, too, like, too many people. I don't know if I would actually love it.

• 12:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:02Mae Martin?

  Okay, imagine if, let's say, imagine like a family of four starts, leaves their house one morning and they just decide, we're gonna start a parade. They start walking down the middle of the street and they're, maybe they have a boombox or something. How long do you think till people join like a conga line? Would anyone join?

• 12:20Tig Notaro?

  I wouldn't.

• 12:21Mae Martin?

  You just start marching down the street and you go, hey, come join in.

• 12:24Fortune Feimster?

  I need a sanctioned parade.

• 12:26Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God. Thomas, put that on the list. We should start a handsome parade slash conga line.

• 12:33Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 12:35Tig Notaro?

  See how long it would take.

• 12:36Fortune Feimster?

  I think in the right ci- I think in the right city during the right season.

• 12:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:41Fortune Feimster?

  It could, uh, especially if we went to like the gay area. I bet we could start a parade.

• 12:47Tig Notaro?

  Or New Orleans. I mean, you could start, there's parades that, you know, just pop out of nowhere.

• 12:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 12:52Tig Notaro?

  You know?

• 12:53Fortune Feimster?

  Every, I went to do a bunch of cities over the holidays and everywhere I went, they're like, when, when's handsome coming through here?

• 13:01Mae Martin?

  Oh, really?

• 13:01Fortune Feimster?

  And I'm like, everybody calm down.

• 13:05Fortune Feimster?

  Calm down, everybody.

• 13:06Tig Notaro?

  Do you think we'll ever do like a full on tour? Like where we just hit a bunch of cities in one month or something?

• 13:13Mae Martin?

  You guys are good tourers. Like, let me get back to you after this.

• 13:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 13:17Mae Martin?

  This is my first.

• 13:18Fortune Feimster?

  Let us know what you think.

• 13:19Tig Notaro?

  Oh, right, right, little May.

• 13:21Mae Martin?

  How I hold up.

• 13:22Fortune Feimster?

  We'll definitely do one offs here and there until that time.

• 13:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:26Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 13:26Fortune Feimster?

  And then, and then you never know, May might fall in love with touring.

• 13:30Mae Martin?

  I might fall in love with touring.

• 13:31Tig Notaro?

  I might fall out of love with touring.

• 13:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:35Fortune Feimster?

  It always pulls you back in, though.

• 13:37Mae Martin?

  Does it?

• 13:38Fortune Feimster?

  I think so, because you'll say like, I don't know if I'm doing this much longer. And then you're like, here's 10 more shows.

• 13:46Mae Martin?

  I would love, I would do a tour with you guys if we had like a, a bus that had a fireman's pole and two, two floors.

• 13:53Tig Notaro?

  Firemen.

• 13:53Mae Martin?

  And two firemen.

• 13:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 13:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:56Fortune Feimster?

  Just picking, picking, take up in their nightgown.

• 13:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, whisking me away.

• 14:02Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I did a, I did a New Year's Eve show. Those are always fun.

• 14:06Mae Martin?

  How was it?

• 14:06Tig Notaro?

  Uh, where was it?

• 14:08Fortune Feimster?

  In Seattle. It was incredible. The audience, like you were saying, with like, uh, looking into people's eyes.

• 14:15Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:16Fortune Feimster?

  They very much, yeah, just like, wanted to feel like kindness and love and happiness going into this new year. And everybody was just very like, Happy New Year, Happy New, you know?

• 14:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:27Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, people want very much for it to feel lighter.

• 14:31Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 14:32Fortune Feimster?

  Than it's been.

• 14:33Mae Martin?

  Did you get to do the countdown?

• 14:35Fortune Feimster?

  No, I did an earlier show, like a 7pm show, so.

• 14:38Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 14:38Fortune Feimster?

  They got to, you know, have a little festivity and they either go to bed or continue on with their nights.

• 14:45Mae Martin?

  10.

• 14:46Fortune Feimster?

  9. Hey, I know, I should have done a fake countdown.

• 14:50Mae Martin?

  100%.

• 14:52Mae Martin?

  I'm in the desert, guys.

• 14:54Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, how is that?

• 14:55Mae Martin?

  Uh, it's really rainy and cold, but it's been.

• 15:00Mae Martin?

  You should start a parade. Yeah, yeah, should I? Just me? I started, I drove up here. That's the longest drive I've done. That was pretty wild. And then I got a bunch of friends and, and my friend, Alana, actually, you know, Alana Johnson? She'd been nervous to bring her puppy, because he's puppy energy. And she was like, I don't know, it's a long drive. And then like, you know, what if he gets into stuff at the Airbnb? And then I kept saying, it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be great. He's, you know, he's a dog. He's, he knows what to stay away from. And so we're in a fenced in backyard here. And we had not been here eight minutes when we hear, and we look over and he has a cactus sticking out of him.

• 15:43Mae Martin?

  I mean, like a ball of spikes just sticking out of his sort of haunch. And he's just kind of trying to get at it. And then, and then I really saw how bad I am in a crisis. Because she was holding him still and I was like, I'm gonna prick my fingers. Like, it was so spiky. And when I felt how deep in him it was, I was like, okay, she can't know how deep. Anyway, and then she, she took control. How deep? Just the spikes were like this deep in him. No, no. They were like-

• 16:12Fortune Feimster?

  He really got in there.

• 16:13Mae Martin?

  Was he bleeding? No, he was actually fine after. As soon as we, we took it out, we made sure nothing was stuck. And he just licked it a bit and then he was totally fine. But, but she sprung into action, all, like, all business. She seems like an action springer.

• 16:27Fortune Feimster?

  A good, a good mommy.

• 16:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 16:30Fortune Feimster?

  The desert, God, you have to, we took Biggie to the desert once and he kept getting into this one bush and he wouldn't leave it alone. And it's because a lizard was in there and it, it like swatted at his eyeball.

• 16:47Mae Martin?

  One of the dead eyes?

• 16:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 16:52Fortune Feimster?

  It had three-

• 16:53Mae Martin?

  He was just trying to get some life into it.

• 16:54Fortune Feimster?

  I, I get, he was like, he kept like doing his eyelid and I was like, something's up. And I look at him and there's just three like lines that cross his eyeball.

• 17:03Mae Martin?

  No.

• 17:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. And I was like, oh my God. So we took him, they do like an ointment and then it's, he, he was totally fine a couple of days later. But man, there's all kinds of stuff in those bushes.

• 17:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah, the desert's scary.

• 17:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 17:18Mae Martin?

  When you guys go on a long drive, are you getting honked at?

• 17:22Tig Notaro?

  Oh, May.

• 17:25Fortune Feimster?

  Are you going too slow?

• 17:27Tig Notaro?

  Do you guys have people swerving around you?

• 17:35Mae Martin?

  I thought I did so great.

• 17:37Fortune Feimster?

  I think you're going too slow.

• 17:37Mae Martin?

  By the end of the trip, I was like, oh, my God, I nailed that. And Atlanta was like, but we had three separate people honking at us. I was like, yeah, but everybody gets honked at. But no, I think I was too slow.

• 17:49Tig Notaro?

  What were you going?

• 17:50Mae Martin?

  You know, it was nighttime on the highway in the desert. And maybe the speed limit's 60 and maybe I'm going 52.

• 17:59Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Yeah.

• 18:00Fortune Feimster?

  50. Yeah, they definitely want you to, I mean, I'm glad, listen, I'm glad you're being cautious because you're a new driver. Did you put the magnets on your car?

• 18:07Mae Martin?

  I'm too embarrassed, Fortune.

• 18:09Fortune Feimster?

  Come on, May.

• 18:10Tig Notaro?

  Wait, what magnets?

• 18:11Fortune Feimster?

  Those are for, the May's Christmas present was magnets that says, new driver. Be patient or something.

• 18:17Mae Martin?

  New driver, be patient. I thought, I don't want to, I'm going to be a magnet myself.

• 18:21Fortune Feimster?

  Guess who wouldn't have honked at you, those people?

• 18:24Mae Martin?

  Do you think?

• 18:25Fortune Feimster?

  I think. Now, here's my, here's my words of advice. I would, I would try to just go the speed limit.

• 18:30Mae Martin?

  Yes, okay.

• 18:31Fortune Feimster?

  And then also, here's a thing that drives me crazy on the freeways.

• 18:36Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 18:36Fortune Feimster?

  And I don't know if you were guilty of this or not. I wasn't in your car. But a lot of people keep, always forget that the left lane, that's the hammer lane.

• 18:45Mae Martin?

  What's hammer?

• 18:46Fortune Feimster?

  That you go, you go faster in the left lane. So if you're, if you're.

• 18:50Tig Notaro?

  That's where you'll find Fortune burning rubber.

• 18:53Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 18:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:54Fortune Feimster?

  But it's also the, it's a, like, it's meant to be a passing lane as well. So if you're a slow, if you're a slow person, you gotta go to the right.

• 19:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but when you're in the right, then people are merging into that lane all the time.

• 19:06Fortune Feimster?

  I did that, see, that's what you were doing. You were in the left lane. That's why people were honking at you. The left lane, and people do this all the time, is the fast lane. It's the passing lane. It ain't the cruising lane.

• 19:18Mae Martin?

  Okay, what about this?

• 19:19Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you know, May's in the cruising lane. So if you're cruising, bud, you go to the right. But cruising for some chicks.

• 19:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 19:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:29Fortune Feimster?

  So they're definitely gonna honk at you if you're going slow in the left lane because that's the fast lane.

• 19:34Mae Martin?

  What about, you know how when you, you're at a red light and you're, you've got to turn right? It's, it's just your personal choice if you want to turn right or not, correct?

• 19:44Fortune Feimster?

  The standard. Thing that's agreed upon with everyone is that if it doesn't say no turn on red, you, and there's no cars coming, you do turn on red.

• 19:55Mae Martin?

  Okay, so if you're just going, no, I'm gonna chill.

• 19:58Tig Notaro?

  But you definitely passed your test.

• 20:02Mae Martin?

  Listen, there's a, the thing about the, about learning to drive is it doesn't prepare you for all the judgment calls, like the

• 20:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that is true.

• 20:10Mae Martin?

  Split second judgment calls, but anyway, I'm really loving it. Like then, so the other night I by myself drove into Joshua Tree National Park and I went up to, like by myself, wound around and got out and sat and wrote in my journal.

• 20:25Tig Notaro?

  Look at that.

• 20:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it was really dreamy.

• 20:27Tig Notaro?

  Little cowboy.

• 20:29Mae Martin?

  And I listened to one song, it was the first song I've listened to in the car. And it was Take You Like It, it's Ramsey Lewis doing Cry Baby Cry by The Beatles as like a jazz song. And it, I listened to it and imagined me in the desert just blasting it.

• 20:45Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 20:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it was good. So I'm still trying to get a lot of firsts in with this car, you know?

• 20:51Fortune Feimster?

  Well, yeah, you're, you're still learning, but um, clearly if you're asking. Ask us any questions.

• 20:57Mae Martin?

  Okay, okay.

• 20:58Fortune Feimster?

  And by the way, I did meet two people in one of my meet and greet lines that had the, the phrase little cowboy tattooed on them.

• 21:06Mae Martin?

  What? Tattooed on them?

• 21:09Fortune Feimster?

  Two, two different, two different gals.

• 21:11Mae Martin?

  But did they have it before?

• 21:13Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know if it was permanent, but it was on their body.

• 21:16Mae Martin?

  Whoa, and because we

• 21:18Tig Notaro?

  What part of their body?

• 21:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 21:20Tig Notaro?

  Little miss thing out on the road?

• 21:22Fortune Feimster?

  The arm, one was an arm and the other one told me she had one, but she would have had to pull her pants down.

• 21:28Tig Notaro?

  I bet.

• 21:29Fortune Feimster?

  That old chestnut.

• 21:32Tig Notaro?

  She's like, can you just step over here?

• 21:35Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like, whoa, I gotta remember to tell you all that, little cowboy.

• 21:40Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 21:40Tig Notaro?

  As a tat.

• 21:42Mae Martin?

  Tattoos thing is crazy. I, a woman once had like, under her butt crease had got feel good in the font of the show.

• 21:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 21:53Mae Martin?

  But that was pretty interesting and.

• 21:56Tig Notaro?

  See, I got wayward under mine.

• 21:58Mae Martin?

  Oh, you did on your butt crease?

• 21:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 22:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah, great.

• 22:00Fortune Feimster?

  Under where your boobs used to be, way, heavenward.

• 22:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Wayward.

• 22:08Mae Martin?

  Just. I know, because I'm casual about tattoos. Like, it doesn't freak me out, because I, I know I impulsively get tattoos.

• 22:15Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 22:16Mae Martin?

  Sometimes it is a little, you don't know how to, someone once had a hashtag, "Mae Martin's property."

• 22:22Tig Notaro?

  Whoa.

• 22:22Mae Martin?

  And the hashtag was what freaked me out the most.

• 22:25Tig Notaro?

  Why?

• 22:26Fortune Feimster?

  Not, not the rest of it?

• 22:27Mae Martin?

  No, oh yeah, why did I say that? No, yeah. I guess the hashtag is.

• 22:32Fortune Feimster?

  I thought the rest of it was.

• 22:34Tig Notaro?

  Totally made sense and it's reasonable. The hashtag was weird.

• 22:38Mae Martin?

  Now that pushed it into weird territory, yeah.

• 22:41Tig Notaro?

  I, that's when I had a few questions. I was like, okay, you need to explain this hashtag.

• 22:47Mae Martin?

  I really didn't know how to respond.

• 22:49Tig Notaro?

  Calling the police.

• 22:49Mae Martin?

  In the moment, though, because that's permanent. You can't go, "What have you done?" Like, so you go, "Oh wow."

• 22:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you have to be into it, no matter what.

• 22:57Mae Martin?

  Wow, okay.

• 23:00Tig Notaro?

  That's not into it.

• 23:02Fortune Feimster?

  You can't be like, "I like, I like everything but the hashtag."

• 23:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what's with that hashtag?

• 23:08Tig Notaro?

  That hashtag is freaking me out.

• 23:12Fortune Feimster?

  But, but, "You're making my property?" Great.

• 23:15Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, get in line. Now, can you break down what it is that made you nervous or uncomfortable with a hashtag?

• 23:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah, well, I think because.

• 23:25Tig Notaro?

  Think it through.

• 23:26Mae Martin?

  It's so, um, modern. It's so like, it's not timeless. Like, a hashtag is like.

• 23:32Fortune Feimster?

  At some point, they're like, "What's that?"

• 23:35Tig Notaro?

  Horse and carriage next to it.

• 23:37Mae Martin?

  That would be more like, maybe, or like a little monocle and a little.

• 23:41Tig Notaro?

  Oh, they've had this a while.

• 23:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah. There's just something about the hashtag is like Too modern. Yeah, we might not even have hashtags in five years. Right, right.

• 23:49Tig Notaro?

  Don't say that, May.

• 23:50Mae Martin?

  Don't.

• 23:51Fortune Feimster?

  Never say that again, May.

• 23:53Tig Notaro?

  Not cool. Don't say.

• 23:55Mae Martin?

  A world, a world without hashtags.

• 23:57Tig Notaro?

  Thank you, Fortune.

• 23:58Mae Martin?

  Listen, God willing, we will have hashtags until the day we die.

• 24:02Fortune Feimster?

  God will leave.

• 24:04Tig Notaro?

  We will have hashtags.

• 24:09Fortune Feimster?

  Till the day.

• 24:12Fortune Feimster?

  That we die. Hashtag tags forever.

• 24:17Tig Notaro?

  Thomas, record this.

• 24:18Fortune Feimster?

  Amen.

• 24:20Tig Notaro?

  Good Lord.

• 24:21Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, by the way, our song was a hit.

• 24:23Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 24:24Mae Martin?

  So how are you, how are you qualifying hit?

• 24:29Fortune Feimster?

  I had people stop me on the street the day it came out. I swear to you.

• 24:33Tig Notaro?

  What were you doing in the street?

• 24:34Fortune Feimster?

  I was walking and.

• 24:37Tig Notaro?

  With May swerving.

• 24:38Fortune Feimster?

  When I say people, I mean, one girl, but still, it was a day it came, we, so we had a, a song that we, the Hanson Band finally got together for and sang over the holidays.

• 24:48Mae Martin?

  As a bonus app.

• 24:49Fortune Feimster?

  A bonus app for you guys. And, uh, and she goes, I just heard the song and my friends and I text each other and we're like, oh my God, we love this song.

• 25:01Mae Martin?

  That's great.

• 25:02Tig Notaro?

  It's a hit. It's a real hit.

• 25:05Mae Martin?

  It's got something for everyone.

• 25:07Tig Notaro?

  As I'm accepting our Grammy Award, I'd like to thank Mr. Thomas.

• 25:13Mae Martin?

  We need like a new Grammy Award category that's like podcast hosts making songs for advertisers. It's really niche. It's just us.

• 25:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. I don't know. I think our band has a real future.

• 25:29Tig Notaro?

  I do too.

• 25:30Mae Martin?

  I think we got legs. Well, we got gams, that's for sure.

• 25:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we got wheels now. We got gams.

• 25:36Mae Martin?

  We got gams.

• 25:37Tig Notaro?

  We got two tits out of six.

• 25:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:41Tig Notaro?

  Now, also, when my sons heard the song and Stephanie, our whole house couldn't stop singing it.

• 25:49Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 25:50Tig Notaro?

  It is such a catchy tune.

• 25:52Mae Martin?

  I bet if I had a family in my house, they'd be singing it too.

• 25:55Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 25:57Mae Martin?

  Why did I say that?

• 25:59Tig Notaro?

  Well, just putting feelers out there.

• 26:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, just putting feelers.

• 26:02Tig Notaro?

  If anyone has a family that wants May to show up.

• 26:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 26:06Tig Notaro?

  Saying, "Love a family."

• 26:08Mae Martin?

  I will show up.

• 26:09Tig Notaro?

  You would love a family, Fortune?

• 26:10Fortune Feimster?

  No, May would love, May said, "They would love a family."

• 26:13Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay.

• 26:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but you know what? I gotta make sure that it's not just that I wanna like, oh, we're getting deep anyway. I gotta make sure it's not just that I wanna-

• 26:20Fortune Feimster?

  Dig deep, babe.

• 26:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's what we're here for, little cowboy.

• 26:23Fortune Feimster?

  Hashtag, "May's property."

• 26:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, hashtag, "Girl."

• 26:28Mae Martin?

  Hashtag, "Girl, dig deep." I don't know. I just gotta make sure it's not just that I wanna like, practice devotion, in a way. You know what I mean? I want, I gotta be, uh, specific and discerning.

• 26:43Fortune Feimster?

  You wanna, you wanna have devotion towards the right person, is that what you're saying?

• 26:47Tig Notaro?

  You don't wanna just be devoted to devotion.

• 26:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and I, I never even thought I wanted a family till I met somebody I wanted one with. And so I'm like, okay, I can't now just be scattergunning, saying, "Give me a family."

• 27:00Fortune Feimster?

  That's true.

• 27:00Mae Martin?

  I gotta stay discerning.

• 27:02Fortune Feimster?

  Don't be scattergunning.

• 27:03Mae Martin?

  No.

• 27:03Fortune Feimster?

  I've never heard that. And then you meet somebody, you can sing, "Helplessly devoted to you."

• 27:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 27:15Tig Notaro?

  So.

• 27:16Fortune Feimster?

  So, cause, did you find yourself recently just like, hoping to meet somebody with a, that you wanted to start a family with, like, but not really being into the person?

• 27:26Mae Martin?

  I just lo, I do love love, and I lo, I, I can get almost spiritual about it, like that, especially with, you know, yeah, like, I think putting someone's, prioritizing someone, putting their needs first, you know, but, um-

• 27:41Fortune Feimster?

  Do, are you, are you into the, uh, what they call, "Love bombing"?

• 27:45Mae Martin?

  No, I'm not a love bomber. Well, maybe people would say that I have been in the past.

• 27:50Fortune Feimster?

  In the past?

• 27:51Mae Martin?

  But not on purpose, I just get excited.

• 27:52Fortune Feimster?

  You just love the love. You're like, "This feels good, and here's a lot of love."

• 27:55Tig Notaro?

  And so what exactly is love bombing? I feel like I started hearing this a couple of years ago, and-

• 28:01Mae Martin?

  Well, so the definition of, the diff, the difference between, like, affection and seduction is intent. So, love bombing would be high warmth, low intent. So, or like, you know what I mean? Where you're, it's like, constant texting, gifs, talking for hours, but you don't actually have an intention of- Of a relationship.

• 28:25Fortune Feimster?

  Well, you don't know yet if you, how you really feel about that person. So you could go lukewarm, you know, sometimes the people go lukewarm on you. Cause then they realize they're not that into you, but, and then it leaves that other person going, what just happened? You were like, all about me and now you're like ghosting me.

• 28:43Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 28:44Fortune Feimster?

  So the, there's a certain personalities that go in super hot in the beginning. And, and, but they, they say things and I don't know if they mean it or not, but they, they'll say things in the beginning of like, you know, I'll see my forever with you and like, you're the love of my life.

• 29:02Tig Notaro?

  I wanna get you pregnant.

• 29:04Fortune Feimster?

  But then, you know, it's only been like a couple of weeks.

• 29:06Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 29:07Fortune Feimster?

  That would be considered love bombing.

• 29:09Mae Martin?

  For sure. That's a red flag.

• 29:10Tig Notaro?

  What if you're feeling that way and you're like all in?

• 29:14Mae Martin?

  I think then you should say.

• 29:16Tig Notaro?

  Hold on, hold on.

• 29:16Mae Martin?

  I'm sorry, go on.

• 29:18Tig Notaro?

  You're all in on your new little honey bunny.

• 29:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 29:22Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh. And you're going nuts. You're just like, this is the one.

• 29:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 29:27Tig Notaro?

  And then?

• 29:28Mae Martin?

  And then?

• 29:29Tig Notaro?

  Several mornings in a row, terrible breath.

• 29:34Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 29:35Tig Notaro?

  And it's not that you stopped liking the person, you're just struggling.

• 29:40Mae Martin?

  It's one specific issue.

• 29:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:43Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm.

• 29:44Mae Martin?

  Hmm.

• 29:45Fortune Feimster?

  Well, if your intent was that you really were, were into that person, it wouldn't be love bombing. But now maybe you just don't feel as strongly about him because that breath be stinking.

• 29:57Tig Notaro?

  And maybe if you really love him, you put a, a, a clothespin on your nose.

• 30:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah. You put a clo- yeah. If you really love him, you tape up your own goddamn nostrils.

• 30:06Tig Notaro?

  That's right.

• 30:07Mae Martin?

  Is there no romance?

• 30:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 30:08Mae Martin?

  Is romance dead?

• 30:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Well, I think we had one time someone asked about that on a mini episode.

• 30:17Tig Notaro?

  Hmm. What are you showing off that you have a memory?

• 30:20Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh. Like what do you do when that happens? Do you tell them?

• 30:23Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes, yes, yes.

• 30:25Fortune Feimster?

  Remember?

• 30:25Tig Notaro?

  And, yeah.

• 30:26Fortune Feimster?

  And, uh, so you're a teller of things. You're like, hey, you got a problem?

• 30:31Tig Notaro?

  Hey, stink breath.

• 30:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 30:34Tig Notaro?

  Um, what I like doing is making it a joke, you know? Like Stephanie and I say, the crap fairy swung by last night.

• 30:42Fortune Feimster?

  The crap fairy.

• 30:44Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 30:44Fortune Feimster?

  That sounds like you ate poop.

• 30:46Tig Notaro?

  Exactly. That's how you tell someone, you're like, cause it made me laugh to think of, um, it makes me laugh to think of a little fairy dressed like a little, um, you know, Disney fairy. And then like you're sleeping with your mouth open and she comes over and hikes her prom dress up.

• 31:06Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, it's her shit and she.

• 31:08Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes, the crap fairy came by and.

• 31:11Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my God, I love her.

• 31:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, so.

• 31:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that's good. So you're making a joke. Yeah.

• 31:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, if somebody told me the crap fairy swung by, which I've been told.

• 31:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 31:21Tig Notaro?

  Hey, guess what?

• 31:23Fortune Feimster?

  That phrase?

• 31:24Tig Notaro?

  Hey, guess what? Crap fairy swung by last night while you're sleeping. And it's just funny, you know? If you can keep things light, then.

• 31:34Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 31:34Tig Notaro?

  It's all in the delivery. You know that as a comedian.

• 31:37Fortune Feimster?

  That's true.

• 31:38Tig Notaro?

  You don't have like really horrible intentions towards this person. You're just like, hey, how funny? It's like Tinker Bell who poops in your mouth.

• 31:46Fortune Feimster?

  She shit in your mouth. Good morning. Looks like Tinker Bell shot in your mouth. It's all about the delivery. Yeah. And they're like hilarious.

• 31:56Tig Notaro?

  No, you have to say like, it's exciting. Like, oh my God, you're not going to leave who swung by last night.

• 32:01Fortune Feimster?

  That's good. That's good.

• 32:02Tig Notaro?

  The crap fairy.

• 32:05Tig Notaro?

  She hiked up her skirt.

• 32:14Fortune Feimster?

  I have never heard this. That is hilarious.

• 32:17Tig Notaro?

  I made it up.

• 32:19Fortune Feimster?

  Well, there you go.

• 32:20Tig Notaro?

  And that's hard to say. I'm running around with any lot of stinky people, but I'm just saying something I throw out there.

• 32:27Fortune Feimster?

  You don't run with a stinky crew. I know that.

• 32:29Tig Notaro?

  I don't. No, I like a squeaky clean crew.

• 32:31Fortune Feimster?

  Squeaky clean crew.

• 32:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 32:34Fortune Feimster?

  Except if, except if you're, some of your friends have good intentions. They're wearing that natural deodorant.

• 32:41Tig Notaro?

  Which I do.

• 32:42Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you do? Of course. Cause it's so much. Some people that wear that stuff smell so bad.

• 32:47Tig Notaro?

  Well.

• 32:48Fortune Feimster?

  Does it work for you? You've never smelled when I've been with you.

• 32:51Tig Notaro?

  Hello.

• 32:53Mae Martin?

  You always smell great.

• 32:55Fortune Feimster?

  But sometimes, sometimes people that, maybe they're using a bad kind, because we'll stinky, we'll stinky stinky.

• 33:02Tig Notaro?

  I used to have a joke about natural deodorant.

• 33:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, tell it to us.

• 33:07Tig Notaro?

  Well, I would say, this is my early days of comedy, but I'm not saying I wouldn't say it now. So I use natural deodorant. So naturally, I stink. Thank you.

• 33:21Mae Martin?

  I like that.

• 33:26Fortune Feimster?

  Well, good one, Tig.

• 33:28Mae Martin?

  Should we get to our question?

• 33:29Tig Notaro?

  Thanks, kitten.

• 33:30Mae Martin?

  Uh, yeah.

• 33:32Tig Notaro?

  Let's do it.

• 33:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, sugar babies.

• 33:36Mae Martin?

  Today's question asker is a former professional soccer player who played for the World Cup-winning American team in 2015 and 2019, and she hosts the podcast Wide Open with Ashlyn Harris. Ashlyn Harris is asking today's question.

• 33:50Fortune Feimster?

  All right.

• 33:51Speaker 00

  Hi, friends. It's Ashlyn Harris here, and I have a question for you three. If each of you were to make your very own handsome starter pack, what ridiculous items would you insist have to be included?

• 34:08Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm. A handsome, a handsome starter pack?

• 34:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's a good question.

• 34:13Fortune Feimster?

  Is this a starter pack to, to being handsome?

• 34:16Tig Notaro?

  It's probably whatever you interpret it.

• 34:18Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 34:19Tig Notaro?

  I don't think Ashlyn's gonna follow up and get mad at us if we.

• 34:24Mae Martin?

  Ah, hey, you three. That wasn't exactly what I meant.

• 34:27Fortune Feimster?

  Not what I meant.

• 34:29Tig Notaro?

  Can I talk to your producer?

• 34:31Mae Martin?

  Okay, a starter kit for someone who wants to embody handsomeness?

• 34:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Whatever that means to you.

• 34:38Mae Martin?

  I like, there's something satisfying about starter kit.

• 34:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:42Mae Martin?

  I don't think I've ever had a starter kit for anything.

• 34:45Tig Notaro?

  I'll get you one.

• 34:46Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a box of goodies.

• 34:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:50Fortune Feimster?

  I do like a, I like it when I get a box and there's a bunch of things in it.

• 34:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, you like things.

• 34:56Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-hmm. But like treats. I don't want like, you know.

• 35:00Mae Martin?

  Objects? I want, I want gadgets and objects.

• 35:03Fortune Feimster?

  You want gadgets? I like treats.

• 35:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Fortune doesn't want to open a box and get like, eye mask and.

• 35:10Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I like that.

• 35:11Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 35:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, you do like that? Okay.

• 35:14Tig Notaro?

  All right, I'll get you an eye mask.

• 35:17Mae Martin?

  All right, May, what's in your handsome starter pack? In my handsome starter pack is, you know, those toothpicks that are flavored like cinnamon?

• 35:27Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I do the green or the tea tree.

• 35:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I haven't had one of those in ages, but that feels pretty handsome, just one out of the corner of your mouth.

• 35:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, of course.

• 35:37Mae Martin?

  Probably a whole podcasting system.

• 35:40Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 35:41Mae Martin?

  A microphone.

• 35:45Mae Martin?

  Maybe like a good, I was gonna say a CD, like for your car to play.

• 35:51Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, you gotta get a CD.

• 35:52Mae Martin?

  Get a CD for your car.

• 35:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, May's no fool.

• 35:56Mae Martin?

  Get a mix CD.

• 35:57Tig Notaro?

  May drives a car now. May knows what's up with cars.

• 36:00Fortune Feimster?

  May had a CD player put in there.

• 36:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 36:04Fortune Feimster?

  You were gonna, I think you were trying to say Spotify playlist, but no, a CD's way better.

• 36:08Mae Martin?

  I want to burn CD, like to, when you take a date out in your car, maybe, yeah, so maybe a mix CD. And maybe some, some little like boy briefs.

• 36:20Tig Notaro?

  Yes, got to.

• 36:21Mae Martin?

  Okay, come on, boy briefs. Stick a charcoal in a sketchbook, you know, in case you see anything that inspires your handsome hands. I'm running out. What about, have I missed anything? I feel like I covered a lot.

• 36:34Tig Notaro?

  I can tell you right away.

• 36:36Mae Martin?

  Oh, what did I miss?

• 36:37Tig Notaro?

  Just a whole suitcase full of mustaches.

• 36:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's your handsome, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's gotta be a whole suitcase full, or a briefcase, a briefcase.

• 36:47Mae Martin?

  That's more reasonable.

• 36:48Fortune Feimster?

  That's handsome. Luckily, May gave you some mustaches for the holidays.

• 36:53Tig Notaro?

  Lucky for me.

• 36:54Fortune Feimster?

  Luckily, that was your secret Santa gift.

• 36:56Tig Notaro?

  And you know what else was lucky for me? When I was, when I was nine, eight or nine, my stepfather, who my son's called Cowboy Rick, he was getting rid of his briefcase and I was, I was watching him clean it out to put his papers in his new briefcase. And I'm standing there, little eight, nine-year-old girl, little girl, just watching this happen. And I said, Rick, what are you gonna do with your briefcase? And he said, well, I'm just gonna throw it out. I said, oh, could I, could I use it to carry my books to school?

• 37:37Mae Martin?

  No.

• 37:39Tig Notaro?

  Yes. So I carried all of my schoolwork in a briefcase to and from school.

• 37:49Mae Martin?

  Is precious.

• 37:52Tig Notaro?

  I mean, was that not my coming out party or what? There were also a few Star Wars action figures in there, too.

• 37:58Fortune Feimster?

  There you go. Pretty gay.

• 38:01Mae Martin?

  There's something that I feel like there's like Max and Finn are a chip off the box. Like, there's something like old timey about them.

• 38:08Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 38:09Mae Martin?

  The briefcase is very.

• 38:10Tig Notaro?

  Max walks around, Max is very old timey. He walks around our house, playing with his yo yo. You know, he's just, he wants a paper route.

• 38:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Tig Notaro?

  You know? And he also, we have a, our neighborhood has a little newspaper that comes out every week.

• 38:27Mae Martin?

  Oh, really?

• 38:28Tig Notaro?

  Loves to sit down and read the paper.

• 38:31Mae Martin?

  I just liked when the, when papers would get thrown on the porch, like the thunk noise. And then getting the rubber band off it, that was good.

• 38:39Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Wait, I can't just have mustache, right? Probably have a briefcase.

• 38:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, briefcase.

• 38:46Tig Notaro?

  Got a briefcase.

• 38:47Fortune Feimster?

  Professional handsome.

• 38:49Tig Notaro?

  Got to have some natural deodorant.

• 38:51Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, I don't know.

• 38:53Tig Notaro?

  I do.

• 38:54Fortune Feimster?

  So I added it. Good for you. I'm probably, I'm probably going to use aluminum.

• 38:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we're going to secretly replace it with Gillette.

• 39:03Tig Notaro?

  Um, you're probably going to want to have a kitty city. Aww.

• 39:08Mae Martin?

  In the briefcase?

• 39:09Tig Notaro?

  Well, no.

• 39:11Fortune Feimster?

  Or around, just around you.

• 39:12Tig Notaro?

  This is in my starter kit, Meg. Didn't you hear the question?

• 39:15Mae Martin?

  I'm picturing it all coming in the briefcase, but the briefcase is just one part of it.

• 39:19Fortune Feimster?

  It's just one part of the starter kit.

• 39:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's three cats and then four dogs.

• 39:24Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 39:24Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 39:25Tig Notaro?

  In the starter kit and also a mountain goat.

• 39:30Mae Martin?

  Where are the four dogs coming from? Where are you getting those?

• 39:32Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you know, adopt, don't shop.

• 39:35Fortune Feimster?

  Round them up.

• 39:35Mae Martin?

  You rounded them up for these kids.

• 39:37Tig Notaro?

  If somebody turns their head, I'm going to grab their little dog.

• 39:41Fortune Feimster?

  Just rounding up some dogs.

• 39:44Tig Notaro?

  Also, you need to have an acoustic guitar. I know you got your synthesizer, but you need your acoustic guitar.

• 39:50Fortune Feimster?

  What would you, what would you play?

• 39:52Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know what I'd play? I'd play a little closer to fine. I'd encourage people to come to my window.

• 39:58Fortune Feimster?

  Yes. Is window vagina?

• 40:03Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 40:06Fortune Feimster?

  Is that, is it a euphemism? Or an actual window?

• 40:10Tig Notaro?

  May, do you wanna, May, do you wanna get on another Zoom?

• 40:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'll send you a new link.

• 40:15Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 40:15Tig Notaro?

  God, it got so quiet. Well, yeah. That's a fair question. This is a Christian show, and you know that.

• 40:21Fortune Feimster?

  Come to my window.

• 40:24Tig Notaro?

  I'll be home soon. It makes no sense what you just said.

• 40:29Fortune Feimster?

  No. Like, I'll be home soon, like, remember me?

• 40:33Mae Martin?

  Like, remember me? Wait, what?

• 40:36Fortune Feimster?

  Cause you've been there, cause you've been there so much, it's like home.

• 40:39Tig Notaro?

  Okay, so mustache is a briefcase.

• 40:44Fortune Feimster?

  Also, you know what I would sing? If, with your acoustic guitar?

• 40:47Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 40:48Fortune Feimster?

  Saying I love you is not the words I want to say to you. It's not that I want you.

• 41:05Mae Martin?

  Thomas, do you wanna get on another link?

• 41:08Fortune Feimster?

  Well, if you only knew how you feel.

• 41:23Tig Notaro?

  Wait, where's the part where he like, can't hold back his heavy metal side?

• 41:27Fortune Feimster?

  More than words. I don't know.

• 41:30Tig Notaro?

  Okay, cause he's like, ev- oh, he says ev- uh, ever let me go, but he says it like,

• 41:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 41:41Tig Notaro?

  Something like that. Thomas, can you pull it up? I'm sorry, I just, and if you can find that part, the ever let me go, extreme. Yeah.

• 41:51Fortune Feimster?

  You know what, there's luscious locks.

• 41:53Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 41:54Mae Martin?

  If I, if I had the acoustic guitar, I would say, I would sing, Sorry is all that you can say. You know that song?

• 42:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 42:04Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, but keep going.

• 42:05Tig Notaro?

  Forgive me.

• 42:06Mae Martin?

  Forgive me. Oh, what a tune.

• 42:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 42:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 42:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I like that. That's handsome.

• 42:11Mae Martin?

  Same sing-along, but I just wanted to throw it in there.

• 42:13Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I don't know, otherwise I would have sung it with you, my friend.

• 42:16Tig Notaro?

  Well, you can still chime in. I would say, we do it again. One, two, three.

• 42:20Fortune Feimster?

  Sound like Cher a little bit.

• 42:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Sorry. So sad. Wait, I don't know it either.

• 42:28Fortune Feimster?

  You're not helping.

• 42:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I don't know it enough.

• 42:30Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 42:31Tig Notaro?

  Also, we probably need a gavel.

• 42:33Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that's important.

• 42:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 42:36Mae Martin?

  And a pineapple.

• 42:37Tig Notaro?

  You need a gavel, a pineapple.

• 42:39Fortune Feimster?

  Gotta stay a pineapple apart.

• 42:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and if you don't know what we're talking about, go back to episode one and catch up to now.

• 42:47Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 42:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, sorry to yell at everyone.

• 42:50Fortune Feimster?

  We haven't talked about being a pineapple apart in so long.

• 42:53Tig Notaro?

  No, because we haven't.

• 42:55Fortune Feimster?

  That was a classic.

• 42:57Mae Martin?

  Do you remember the origins of it?

• 42:58Fortune Feimster?

  It's your, your dance.

• 43:00Mae Martin?

  Yes, my, my middle school dance.

• 43:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 43:03Fortune Feimster?

  And they told you guys that y'all had to stay a pineapple apart and we went, what?

• 43:07Mae Martin?

  And Miss had a pineapple and she carried it around and she would put it between us, us and the boys. I think she's thriving as far as I know. She was in a secret relationship with Miss. I shouldn't be saying this.

• 43:20Fortune Feimster?

  Love a secret lesbian relationship back in the day.

• 43:23Tig Notaro?

  Wait, were they lesbian behind men's backs or just behind the school's back?

• 43:30Fortune Feimster?

  Roommates.

• 43:31Mae Martin?

  I think this.

• 43:31Tig Notaro?

  Travel companions?

• 43:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it was like an Anglican school and they were, yeah, they just, they were, everybody knew, but they just weren't open about it. I think, I think, I think that's changed. I think, yeah.

• 43:43Fortune Feimster?

  I love it when two ladies that are single just run off together into the woods.

• 43:48Tig Notaro?

  I had friends in junior high school. Who lived on the same cul-de-sac.

• 43:56Mae Martin?

  No.

• 43:57Tig Notaro?

  And their moms.

• 43:59Mae Martin?

  No.

• 44:01Tig Notaro?

  Were having an affair.

• 44:02Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 44:03Fortune Feimster?

  This is the biggest small town gossip. I don't want people cheating. I'm talking about single people.

• 44:07Tig Notaro?

  I'm not, listen, I'm not here promoting cheating.

• 44:10Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 44:10Tig Notaro?

  I'm just telling you, I'm telling you what happened.

• 44:13Fortune Feimster?

  That is scandalous back then, especially.

• 44:16Tig Notaro?

  This was the eighties, okay?

• 44:17Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 44:18Tig Notaro?

  And so these moms got together. In fact, I think I tell it as a story on One Mississippi when I act as a DJ. So their moms get together, leave their husbands.

• 44:30Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 44:31Tig Notaro?

  And one friend moves in, she's, they're best friends. The daughters are best friends. The daughters who are my age.

• 44:40Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 44:40Tig Notaro?

  So their parents break up. And then the moms move into one house. And so do the daughters and they don't know their moms are gay. They're just like, wow, we get to have a sleepover every night. This is awesome.

• 44:56Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, they just told the daughters, y'all stay in this house and we'll go to this.

• 45:00Tig Notaro?

  No, no, no. The daughters moved in with the two moms.

• 45:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, and they still didn't know?

• 45:04Tig Notaro?

  No, and they stayed on the same cul-de-sac.

• 45:09Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. And then did the, what happened with the husbands?

• 45:11Tig Notaro?

  And they're still together.

• 45:13Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 45:14Tig Notaro?

  They are still together. And, um, and I remember as the years went by, every time I rang my friend's doorbell and her mom came to the door, she got butchier and butchier every year.

• 45:32Mae Martin?

  I'm picturing it as a montage.

• 45:36Fortune Feimster?

  Hang on, I gotta check my pager.

• 45:39Mae Martin?

  The hair is getting shorter and shorter.

• 45:41Tig Notaro?

  Truly, truly. But they are still together to this day, unless something happened in the past couple of years. But I don't think, I don't think so.

• 45:50Mae Martin?

  And they still live in that town?

• 45:51Tig Notaro?

  I don't know where they live. Um, but I think, you know, everyone's come around and I think the dads kind of like, they get together for whatever, you know, it's, it's crazy. It's, uh, it was Texas in the eighties and, um,

• 46:05Mae Martin?

  God, that would have been the biggest scandal at the time.

• 46:07Tig Notaro?

  For sure.

• 46:08Mae Martin?

  Did the kids at school find out or did everyone just think they're roommates?

• 46:12Tig Notaro?

  Uh, I think everyone just thought they were roommates. I mean, I didn't quite, I didn't even know I was gay. And I was just like, why is my friend's, my friend's mom just seems, she just, I just couldn't put my finger on what was happening.

• 46:25Fortune Feimster?

  She seems handsome all of a sudden.

• 46:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And then I hung out with my friend, one of my friends, um, years later, like in our twenties, and she just told, she was like, oh my gosh. And then it caused weird friction with her and her friend because there, you know, there were secrets. Nobody understood what was going on, but everyone was doing their best. I'm sure everyone's still doing their best and, yeah. But, uh, it was really, it was very bold.

• 46:51Mae Martin?

  Very bold.

• 46:52Tig Notaro?

  Very bold and, um, not common in the area. Thomas, did you find the extreme song?

• 46:59Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 47:00Tig Notaro?

  Back to that.

• 47:01Speaker 04

  I found it.

• 47:02Tig Notaro?

  Where, okay, this is where. We're trying to find the moment where his voice becomes. It goes from like soft.

• 47:09Fortune Feimster?

  To show you how I feel.

• 47:12Tig Notaro?

  Where he says, never let me go. Oh, yeah.

• 47:16Fortune Feimster?

  Never let me go.

• 47:20Tig Notaro?

  I just did that, but it goes from like a, like an acoustic sing along to, I can't hide that I'm metal.

• 47:31Fortune Feimster?

  What you say? If I took my words.

• 47:36Tig Notaro?

  Did it happen already? No, you'll know. Okay, wait. Okay, here it comes. Everyone relax. Let's listen, let's listen.

• 47:45Tig Notaro?

  No, that's not it.

• 47:47Speaker 04

  Oh, that's not it?

• 47:48Tig Notaro?

  No, but I'm enjoying this.

• 47:50Fortune Feimster?

  It was delightful.

• 47:51Tig Notaro?

  And you know, he became. Wait, so do we. The final lead singer of Van Halen. Really?

• 47:57Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, really?

• 47:58Tig Notaro?

  I didn't know that. Yeah. That's cool. It went David Lee Roth. So. Then it went Sammy Hagar, huh? We didn't hear the, we didn't find the part? No, it's never let me go. We cannot move on.

• 48:13Fortune Feimster?

  Why don't, why don't I tell you mine?

• 48:15Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:16Fortune Feimster?

  Stove wall of Thomas looks.

• 48:20Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I haven't thought about it at all, though.

• 48:23Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 48:23Fortune Feimster?

  Um.

• 48:24Tig Notaro?

  Should we go back to Thomas?

• 48:26Fortune Feimster?

  No, uh, well, I feel like I do like our original handsome us in suits.

• 48:32Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:33Fortune Feimster?

  So I think, I think we gotta have a suit in there for sure.

• 48:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 48:37Fortune Feimster?

  Um, and you guys smell good. I wanna smell good, so not the natural deodorant.

• 48:42Tig Notaro?

  People can hear you even when you whisper like that, Fortune.

• 48:47Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna put in my, uh, cologne Mont Blanc.

• 48:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 48:53Fortune Feimster?

  That's the cologne that I like.

• 48:55Tig Notaro?

  What is that? You wear, like men's cologne?

• 48:57Fortune Feimster?

  I sure do. Get on up here in my nook, girl.

• 49:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God, I wear flowery. No, I don't, no, I don't wear anything. You wear, you rub potpourri on you. I don't really like scents.

• 49:10Fortune Feimster?

  I, I like to smell good.

• 49:12Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 49:13Fortune Feimster?

  And so that's definitely one of my handsome pack.

• 49:16Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 49:17Fortune Feimster?

  Um, Biggie, since you're bringing a bunch of random dogs, I might as well bring Biggie.

• 49:22Tig Notaro?

  They're not random. I love each and every one of them.

• 49:25Fortune Feimster?

  Feels like you just grabbed a bunch of dogs.

• 49:28Tig Notaro?

  When people weren't looking.

• 49:29Fortune Feimster?

  But Biggie's gonna be there and he's gonna have a little suit too. And his suit's gonna match my suit.

• 49:35Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my lord.

• 49:35Fortune Feimster?

  And we're gonna be so handsome.

• 49:37Tig Notaro?

  And Fortune, just because I practiced puppy snatch.

• 49:41Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 49:41Tig Notaro?

  When no one's looking, doesn't mean I'm not attached to these dogs.

• 49:45Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I know how you are with animals. I get it. I'd also have a nice pair of sunglasses, ones that I hopefully didn't break with my belly.

• 49:55Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 49:55Fortune Feimster?

  And them sitting on my lap. So some sunglasses and probably some curl cream for me.

• 50:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, curl of course.

• 50:04Fortune Feimster?

  I gotta keep them curls tight.

• 50:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 50:09Fortune Feimster?

  And a vibrator.

• 50:12Mae Martin?

  Fortune?

• 50:13Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 50:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah, vibrator is a good idea. I like that. It's kind of transgressive. It's like, the way to be handsome is a dainty little vibrator.

• 50:23Fortune Feimster?

  A little tiny one. Only keychain.

• 50:25Mae Martin?

  What about a strap on? I'd have a, I'm putting a big, I'm putting a big old strap on in there. I got, I'm sorry, but I got to.

• 50:34Fortune Feimster?

  Tig, if you don't mammary right now.

• 50:36Mae Martin?

  It's the most handsome thing I do.

• 50:38Fortune Feimster?

  If you don't mammary right this instance.

• 50:42Mae Martin?

  Oh, Tom, thank God.

• 50:43Fortune Feimster?

  Swear to God.

• 50:44Mae Martin?

  Thomas has got this cue lined up that I don't even really understand what we're looking for, but.

• 50:50Tig Notaro?

  Does Thomas have rock and roll?

• 50:52Mae Martin?

  I think I found it.

• 50:53Fortune Feimster?

  I can't believe you didn't give a mammary on that.

• 50:56Tig Notaro?

  You have to like tee it up with like some really nice.

• 51:00Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 51:00Tig Notaro?

  Lead in and then oops, I'm actually heavy metal is the moment.

• 51:05Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 51:09Fortune Feimster?

  Look how handsome he is.

• 51:12Tig Notaro?

  Here it comes.

• 51:15Mae Martin?

  Stop singing.

• 51:17Fortune Feimster?

  I can't help but manage.

• 51:18Tig Notaro?

  Here.

• 51:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Yeah, wow. Okay, I heard it. Okay, okay.

• 51:29Tig Notaro?

  He's like, yeah, I wrote this.

• 51:31Fortune Feimster?

  I think it was confusing because you said, never let me go. And it was, don't ever let me go. And that's confusing.

• 51:37Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, don't take, step away from the mic.

• 51:40Fortune Feimster?

  Take five.

• 51:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, take five, go on a little walk.

• 51:43Fortune Feimster?

  We didn't know what you were referring to.

• 51:46Tig Notaro?

  Okay, well, this is, this is a guy.

• 51:53Tig Notaro?

  And then he goes back to, mother, you know, he, he's got his little acoustic song, but you can't hide rock and roll, buddy.

• 52:00Fortune Feimster?

  No, baby, you can't hide it.

• 52:02Tig Notaro?

  That's what this mustache is.

• 52:04Fortune Feimster?

  Is there anything else that we've left out of our handsome starter packs?

• 52:08Mae Martin?

  Well, I kind of, I want to hear what Ashlyn has to say because Ashlyn is very handsome.

• 52:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 52:13Fortune Feimster?

  Ashlyn's good looking, just like me, kind of looks similar.

• 52:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we all, like, if you merged our faces, we would be.

• 52:23Fortune Feimster?

  Has curly hair as well, so it's very similar.

• 52:26Mae Martin?

  You think three of us blended equals Ashlyn hair?

• 52:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, if you just kind of like.

• 52:30Mae Martin?

  Squint.

• 52:31Tig Notaro?

  Put all of our faces together.

• 52:33Mae Martin?

  We all have chiseled.

• 52:34Tig Notaro?

  We'd all be as attractive.

• 52:36Mae Martin?

  I want to see it.

• 52:37Fortune Feimster?

  All right, let's hear it.

• 52:39Speaker 00

  So I would say a gallon sized water bottle because at this point, it really is my personality. And I'm either highly over prepared or deeply under prepared and there's really no in between.

• 52:55Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, mm hmm.

• 52:56Mae Martin?

  Oh, stay hydrated.

• 52:58Speaker 00

  My starter pack would have to include chapstick.

• 53:02Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 53:03Speaker 00

  Without it.

• 53:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 00

  I think my last item for my handsome pack would be a sexy tool belt because I don't really know how to use a drill, but I like to look capable. Yeah.

• 53:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, nobody's gonna look at Ashlyn and think this chick can't handle a drill.

• 53:25Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 53:26Tig Notaro?

  No, I, but yeah, I like that. I like the tool belt. What was the first one? Oh, yeah. Water, staying hydrated.

• 53:31Tig Notaro?

  Also, what tool belt isn't sexy, Ashlyn? That's my question for you.

• 53:36Fortune Feimster?

  That's a good question, too.

• 53:37Tig Notaro?

  Thank you, Fortune.

• 53:38Fortune Feimster?

  You guys know what else should be in the handsome starter kit that I forgot about?

• 53:42Tig Notaro?

  Mad Libs.

• 53:43Fortune Feimster?

  Alf?

• 53:44Tig Notaro?

  My depuffer.

• 53:45Fortune Feimster?

  Depuffer.

• 53:46Tig Notaro?

  Hey!

• 53:47Fortune Feimster?

  It's my depuffer.

• 53:49Tig Notaro?

  Hey, mama's depuffer.

• 53:52Fortune Feimster?

  Gotta, you can't have, you can't have any bags on your eyes when you're trying to be handsome.

• 53:57Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 53:57Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, May, Ashlyn has a chapstick, but you have your lip taint.

• 54:03Tig Notaro?

  I have my lip taint. Oh, you also got your clear stuff that goes on your face.

• 54:07Fortune Feimster?

  Clear mascara.

• 54:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, clear eyelashes. Clear mascara. My eyebrow tint and... Yeah, tints and taints. Yeah.

• 54:17Fortune Feimster?

  Tits and taints.

• 54:18Tig Notaro?

  No, not tits and taints, tints. Tints and taints.

• 54:23Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I thought you were saying tits and taints.

• 54:25Tig Notaro?

  Well, there's more merch for us.

• 54:29Fortune Feimster?

  And amazing, big ol', you know what is in there, too.

• 54:33Tig Notaro?

  Guys, do we?

• 54:34Fortune Feimster?

  That's in the tool belt that May's wearing.

• 54:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's in my tool belt.

• 54:38Fortune Feimster?

  It's a big ol', you know what.

• 54:40Tig Notaro?

  Do we get underwear and panties made where in the front by the crotch, it says Grandma's Problem Area?

• 54:52Tig Notaro?

  And in the back, it says taints? Lip taint or just taint anyone? How about at the top of the panties where the elastic is, it says Grandma's Problem Area? And that has an arrow pointing down. That's strong. I like that.

• 55:09Fortune Feimster?

  You work on that design. How about that little tidge?

• 55:13Tig Notaro?

  It's done. The design's done. Yeah.

• 55:15Fortune Feimster?

  Now we need to thought it all out. You're on the pod.

• 55:18Tig Notaro?

  All we need is a seamstress. Oh, my gosh.

• 55:21Fortune Feimster?

  Someone to make the panties.

• 55:23Tig Notaro?

  Wait, all of our merch is made by a seamstress, right? Yes. I think it's mainly the mice on Cinderella. Wow, we got another order for the handsome guys.

• 55:35Tig Notaro?

  And then, and then we write taint with a question mark at the bottom? Okay, hop to it, guys. Hop to, hop to. Okay. Also, I just want to make sure everyone is aware that there's some changes. I know we have to wrap up here, but I know I've been calling my house Kitty City.

• 55:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 55:55Tig Notaro?

  And Kitty City is also the gaggle of three.

• 55:59Mae Martin?

  Uh huh.

• 56:00Tig Notaro?

  But I also want you to know there's a new name that I've started.

• 56:03Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 56:04Tig Notaro?

  And it has really taken off.

• 56:08Tig Notaro?

  Cause these three cats follow each other everywhere and they sleep and lounge on the bed all day and night. The three of them all together.

• 56:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 56:17Tig Notaro?

  And I call them, hold your panties, exhausted sausages.

• 56:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's good with the accent too.

• 56:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 56:27Mae Martin?

  Exhausted sausages.

• 56:29Tig Notaro?

  I'll just take pictures and send them down to Stephanie. I'm like, look at these exhausted sausages. Anyway, so I just want to let you know, there might be some mention of exhausted sausages.

• 56:42Mae Martin?

  That's gonna, I feel like that'll catch on with listeners. Like, like I sing morning fruit most days and people see posts about it. I feel like people are gonna start thinking that when they look at their cats.

• 56:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, cause it can, it can just be one, it can, and it can also be a dog. It can be a cow. They're just.

• 56:58Mae Martin?

  Could be a person.

• 56:59Tig Notaro?

  That's right. An exhausted sausage.

• 57:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 57:02Tig Notaro?

  And I feel like it's the closest to Eminem I'll ever be. Cause you know, Eminem can make anything rhyme.

• 57:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah, he can.

• 57:09Tig Notaro?

  And, and I did. Exhausted sausage.

• 57:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that is actually a very Eminem style rhyme.

• 57:15Tig Notaro?

  Very Eminem.

• 57:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 57:17Tig Notaro?

  And I know that because my sons listen to Eminem.

• 57:19Mae Martin?

  There's vomit on my sweater already. Mom spaghetti. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted, covered in sausages.

• 57:25Tig Notaro?

  With chicken parm in my. Sausage. Sausages.

• 57:30Tig Notaro?

  That was a fun up.

• 57:31Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 57:32Tig Notaro?

  It was, y'all.

• 57:33Mae Martin?

  A pleasure.

• 57:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 57:34Mae Martin?

  What do you guys have coming up?

• 57:36Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I had to unfortunately reschedule a few shows because I'm filming this movie. So we're sorting that all out, but I've got Ben Salem, Pennsylvania, which is my Philly stop, February 13th, doing the Beacon Theater on Valentine's in New York City. So join me for some of that love in the air kind of night. And then Burlington, Vermont, San Diego, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Little Rock, Arkansas. Those are coming up. You can go to fortunefeimster.com.

• 58:08Mae Martin?

  I got this tour coming up. If you go to maymartin.net, all the shows are listed there. I also, on the podcast, I said very confidently, guys, I really need to sell some tickets in Austin. I don't have a show in Austin.

• 58:24Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God. That must be why the tickets weren't moving.

• 58:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, the show, I got a message from my tour promoter going, hey, May, Houston is the kind of slow show, not Austin. You're not actually playing Austin. So, yeah.

• 58:38Fortune Feimster?

  There you go, Houston.

• 58:40Mae Martin?

  Come out in Houston, but maymartin.net, I'm going to be on the road so soon. How about you, Tig? Also, we're all on the road.

• 58:46Tig Notaro?

  Well, I've got Fayetteville, Arkansas, February 19th. I got Oklahoma City, February 20th. I got Midland, Texas, February 21st, and the list goes on and on. Please visit tignotar.com. And if you have not watched the Andrea Gibson documentary called Come See Me in the Good Light, you better get on it. It's good. I'm very proud of it. I produced it. It's on Apple TV.

• 59:12Mae Martin?

  Also, we've been talking about merch, but we have amazing new merch, really niche. Like, if you wear this stuff out in the world, I don't know what. What people are gonna think, you're gonna attract other handsome listeners, though. We have Frau Trofia shirts, which I'm thrilled about. Frau Trofia's Dance Academy, we have Peanut Butter Bitch t-shirts.

• 59:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, Peanut Butter Bitch, I can't wait for that one.

• 59:35Tig Notaro?

  Those are gonna sell like crazy.

• 59:37Mae Martin?

  And we have Fortune Marie exclamation mark t-shirts.

• 59:41Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 59:42Mae Martin?

  I mean, please get these, send us pictures of you wearing them. I think it's so funny. And you can go to handsomepod.com for all that stuff.

• 59:49Fortune Feimster?

  And by the way, we have these because everybody on our Instagram page kept telling us they wanted these.

• 59:55Mae Martin?

  And we listened.

• 59:56Fortune Feimster?

  So we listened and are delivering based on y'all's feedback.

• 1:00:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and send our new song around and let's make that a Christmas classic.

• 1:00:06Mae Martin?

  Get it on the charts.

• 1:00:07Fortune Feimster?

  Just like Mariah Carey.

• 1:00:09Tig Notaro?

  Yes. And until next time.

• 1:00:12Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it handsome.

• 1:00:16Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show's produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 1:00:30Fortune Feimster?

  What a podcast. What a podcast.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum podcast.

• 1:00:39Speaker 04

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 1:00:41Speaker 05

  And Hannah Simone.

• 1:00:42Speaker 04

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing, every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there, we get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set, we share behind the scenes tea, we react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years, we talk about how Jake Johnson is dogged.

• 1:01:03Speaker 05

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:01:16Speaker 04

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad, we talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:01:27Speaker 05

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.