Allison Williams asks about mundane superpowers

Allison Williams (Get Out, M3GAN) asks Handsome a question about not-so-super superpowers, plus Tig gets nut brown, Biggie gets startled, and napping makes you... horny?! Listen to Allison Williams' new podcast, Landlines https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/landlines/id1818021794, now on Headgum! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Fortune Feimster?

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:35Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website. With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time.

• 1:19Mae Martin?

  Squarespace makes it easy, so easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes. So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 1:38Fortune Feimster?

  Handsome. Chat with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chat with friends on the Handsome Pod. We're just giggling.

• 1:48Mae Martin?

  Cheers.

• 1:50Fortune Feimster?

  Love.

• 1:51Mae Martin?

  Oh!

• 1:52Fortune Feimster?

  Love the Handsome Pod! I'm Fortune Feimster. I'm Team Tar.

• 1:58Mae Martin?

  I'm Mae Martin.

• 1:59Fortune Feimster?

  I'm Mae Martin.

• 2:00Tig Notaro?

  I'm Fortune.

• 2:01Mae Martin?

  We're excited.

• 2:02Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my god, you guys, we haven't been together in a room in a minute.

• 2:06Tig Notaro?

  It has been a beat.

• 2:08Fortune Feimster?

  And what a treat this is to see y'alls pretty faces, pretty handsome faces.

• 2:13Mae Martin?

  I'm a pretty little lady.

• 2:14Fortune Feimster?

  You're buzzing?

• 2:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm buzzing. Well, what's going on? Had a lot of coffee.

• 2:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 2:19Mae Martin?

  Oh, okay, okay. The sun, I'm absorbing the sun.

• 2:23Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 2:24Mae Martin?

  Isn't it, though?

• 2:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 2:26Mae Martin?

  Wouldn't you say?

• 2:27Fortune Feimster?

  I've been taking Biggie on walks to the park every morning this week, and that's been so fun.

• 2:33Tig Notaro?

  That's delightful.

• 2:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 2:34Mae Martin?

  I saw a piece of art that said, it was this woman lying in the sun, and it said, "I will let the sun impregnate me and murder me."

• 2:41Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 2:43Mae Martin?

  I keep thinking about it now. Every time I'm in the sun, I think, "Let it impregnate me and murder me."

• 2:47Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 2:48Tig Notaro?

  Hmm, I don't want either of those things.

• 2:50Fortune Feimster?

  That's an intense relationship with the sun.

• 2:52Tig Notaro?

  I just want to have, I mean, it's been nice to have the weather shift and have all this warm weather, but I'm not looking for a... I mean, I would be impregnated with another son. I'd have three boys.

• 3:05Mae Martin?

  Isn't it weird, though, that it's like this life-giving, warm thing that makes life happen, but it's so dangerous? It can burn you.

• 3:14Tig Notaro?

  Well, it can murder you.

• 3:15Mae Martin?

  It can murder you.

• 3:16Fortune Feimster?

  That's what, yeah.

• 3:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 3:18Fortune Feimster?

  I'm very fair-skinned, so I have to be careful with the sun.

• 3:21Mae Martin?

  You're delicate, yeah.

• 3:22Tig Notaro?

  Thank you.

• 3:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 3:23Tig Notaro?

  I mean, we're all kind of fair-skinned, right?

• 3:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:26Tig Notaro?

  It's not like...

• 3:27Mae Martin?

  I can imagine you getting nut-brown in the sun.

• 3:30Tig Notaro?

  Not brown?

• 3:31Mae Martin?

  Nut, uh, N-U-T, nut-brown.

• 3:34Tig Notaro?

  No. I was like, Tig, now, I can imagine you getting not-brown.

• 3:40Mae Martin?

  No tan whatsoever.

• 3:42Tig Notaro?

  No, I do tan a little bit.

• 3:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 3:44Tig Notaro?

  Um, yeah. Do you not tan at all?

• 3:47Mae Martin?

  Not really. I burn, and then, and then I'm white again.

• 3:50Tig Notaro?

  You get not-brown.

• 3:51Fortune Feimster?

  You're looking buff over there.

• 3:53Mae Martin?

  You think I'm looking buff?

• 3:53Fortune Feimster?

  Don't you think, May's looking buff?

• 3:55Mae Martin?

  Look how excited.

• 3:55Fortune Feimster?

  Do you see how happy I got?

• 3:57Mae Martin?

  Yeah. I am really trying.

• 3:58Fortune Feimster?

  You, I can tell, you're bulking up.

• 4:00Mae Martin?

  Thanks, but...

• 4:01Fortune Feimster?

  Look at those muscles!

• 4:02Mae Martin?

  Look at those muscles! But I didn't do my push-ups.

• 4:05Tig Notaro?

  We're just getting treading muscles.

• 4:06Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I haven't treaded in like two weeks, so I gotta get...

• 4:08Tig Notaro?

  I treaded today.

• 4:09Fortune Feimster?

  I was out of town.

• 4:10Mae Martin?

  You did?

• 4:10Fortune Feimster?

  How was it?

• 4:11Tig Notaro?

  It was so delightful.

• 4:14Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 4:14Tig Notaro?

  I just really, it's so meditative.

• 4:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 4:18Tig Notaro?

  It's so medit, for me, you know?

• 4:20Mae Martin?

  I got my friend Jo staying with me.

• 4:23Fortune Feimster?

  How's old Joe?

• 4:24Mae Martin?

  Old Joe's good. He's very pale, very fair.

• 4:27Fortune Feimster?

  Hi, my name is Joe. I got a wife and three kids and I work in a button factory.

• 4:33Mae Martin?

  One day.

• 4:34Fortune Feimster?

  My wife came, or wait, is it my wife or my boss? Guys, I never got to the bottom of it.

• 4:39Mae Martin?

  We never did and we don't want to.

• 4:41Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah, he's good and he's, he's British, but um.

• 4:45Fortune Feimster?

  Good to know.

• 4:46Mae Martin?

  Not, yeah, so you can picture it. But we were playing, okay, we were playing foosball, which by the way, now every morning I go, morning foos. Morning foos and I play.

• 4:56Fortune Feimster?

  Morning foos.

• 4:57Mae Martin?

  Morning foos.

• 4:58Fortune Feimster?

  Morning foos.

• 4:59Mae Martin?

  And he goes, okay, so there's offense, you know, on a soccer pitch and then, and then there's.

• 5:06Fortune Feimster?

  Defense.

• 5:07Mae Martin?

  Right, and then he goes, but in the government, there's the secretary of.

• 5:10Fortune Feimster?

  State?

• 5:11Tig Notaro?

  Defense.

• 5:12Mae Martin?

  Defense.

• 5:13Fortune Feimster?

  I said state.

• 5:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:14Tig Notaro?

  A pronunciation.

• 5:16Mae Martin?

  But why is it defense for soccer and then everything else is soccer?

• 5:20Tig Notaro?

  Oh yeah, we're gonna play defense.

• 5:22Mae Martin?

  We're gonna play defense, because you wouldn't say, don't get so defensive.

• 5:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 5:26Mae Martin?

  So why, what's that about?

• 5:28Fortune Feimster?

  I think that, just the English language is weird, right?

• 5:31Tig Notaro?

  Good answer, Fortune.

• 5:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that checks out.

• 5:34Tig Notaro?

  As if we're really thinking about it. Nailed it with that answer.

• 5:37Fortune Feimster?

  It's a complicated language.

• 5:39Tig Notaro?

  That's, that's good, that, yeah.

• 5:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:41Tig Notaro?

  You know?

• 5:42Mae Martin?

  Defense sounds like depuffer.

• 5:44Fortune Feimster?

  Depuffer.

• 5:45Tig Notaro?

  Is it a complicated language? Because I mean, I speak it very easily.

• 5:48Fortune Feimster?

  It's pretty complicated.

• 5:49Tig Notaro?

  It's total, it's so easy.

• 5:51Fortune Feimster?

  Your banish is easy.

• 5:52Tig Notaro?

  Listen to me talking English, like I'm not even, I'm not struggling at all. People say it's hard?

• 5:58Fortune Feimster?

  I think it's hard.

• 5:59Mae Martin?

  But we don't have like, like where every object is masculine or feminine. I mean, we, we know.

• 6:05Fortune Feimster?

  Like Spanish is the masculine.

• 6:07Tig Notaro?

  That table, let's say, one, two, three, what is its gender?

• 6:10Mae Martin?

  Masculine, thank you.

• 6:12Tig Notaro?

  Fortune didn't know.

• 6:14Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't know.

• 6:15Mae Martin?

  Okay, this sofa, one, two, three?

• 6:17Fortune Feimster?

  Female.

• 6:18Mae Martin?

  You said male?

• 6:19Fortune Feimster?

  I did.

• 6:20Mae Martin?

  For this sofa, interesting.

• 6:21Fortune Feimster?

  This seems female, male.

• 6:22Mae Martin?

  Male.

• 6:23Tig Notaro?

  Oh yeah, this is male.

• 6:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:25Tig Notaro?

  Actually, that's non-binary.

• 6:27Fortune Feimster?

  This is a, this is a love seat, right?

• 6:29Tig Notaro?

  This is like.

• 6:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:31Tig Notaro?

  Love.

• 6:32Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I'm over here alone.

• 6:34Tig Notaro?

  Ah, we're twinning with our green on. Oh, look how old my hands are.

• 6:38Fortune Feimster?

  Your hands are soft.

• 6:40Mae Martin?

  Taking Fortune just touched their hands.

• 6:42Tig Notaro?

  But look, look how old my hands are compared to your precious newborn skin.

• 6:49Mae Martin?

  You do have very.

• 6:51Fortune Feimster?

  But.

• 6:52Mae Martin?

  Don't pull away.

• 6:53Fortune Feimster?

  I have baby skin.

• 6:54Mae Martin?

  Yes, you do.

• 6:55Fortune Feimster?

  I gotta lotion my hands better, though.

• 6:58Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know what? It's best to hydrate from the inside.

• 7:01Fortune Feimster?

  I drink a lot of water.

• 7:02Tig Notaro?

  Good, good.

• 7:02Fortune Feimster?

  I don't, I'm not a soda gal.

• 7:04Tig Notaro?

  Me neither. Guys, I just got a text from Karen Kilgariff.

• 7:08Mae Martin?

  I love Karen.

• 7:09Tig Notaro?

  I, can I just tell you, I texted Karen a video of, that Stephanie had sent me, of Max and Finn's playlist.

• 7:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:20Tig Notaro?

  And it is, it made, unless she was lying to me, she said it made her cry.

• 7:28Tig Notaro?

  It is all Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, and then one Karen Kilgariff song.

• 7:35Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 7:36Tig Notaro?

  Yes, they love it.

• 7:37Fortune Feimster?

  Incredible.

• 7:38Tig Notaro?

  They, oh my gosh, and Stephanie's dad is the biggest Karen Kilgariff fan.

• 7:44Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 7:45Tig Notaro?

  She, have you listened to her album?

• 7:46Mae Martin?

  No.

• 7:46Fortune Feimster?

  She's such a great singer.

• 7:48Tig Notaro?

  She's such a great singer, she's such, she does this incredible thing, I, oh yeah, as a musician, you should hear her.

• 7:55Mae Martin?

  I would love to.

• 7:56Tig Notaro?

  Because she can, in one song, can make you laugh so hard and then also break your heart, like her.

• 8:02Mae Martin?

  God, that's amazing.

• 8:03Tig Notaro?

  It is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

• 8:05Mae Martin?

  What a skill.

• 8:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 8:07Fortune Feimster?

  She said she was gonna do a handsome question, we gotta get her to.

• 8:11Tig Notaro?

  Well.

• 8:11Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe she was sending me one.

• 8:15Fortune Feimster?

  She's too busy talking about true crime.

• 8:18Tig Notaro?

  She's so funny.

• 8:19Fortune Feimster?

  She's the best.

• 8:20Mae Martin?

  They were doing a thing for a while on their podcast of celebrities or people saying their hometown murders, like.

• 8:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:25Mae Martin?

  Were things from their life that were like their crime and thing, and I always wanted to tell about the time when my, I was, my parents were out and they left me and my brother. I went to bed, then, I think I've told this, then they come back and my brother's sitting on the front porch looking real pale, not brown.

• 8:44Fortune Feimster?

  Not, not brown.

• 8:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and they're like, is everything okay? And he goes, your friend is having a nap upstairs. And they're like, what friend? He goes, your friend. I told this, right?

• 8:53Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think so.

• 8:54Mae Martin?

  No. Really?

• 8:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 8:56Mae Martin?

  If you did, I blocked it out.

• 8:57Fortune Feimster?

  So, me too, this is not familiar to me.

• 9:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah, my brother said, well, your friend came over and she said that you said you, she would have a nap in your bed, and so they go up and there's this strange, a woman, asleep in the bed, and she's taking off all her clothes.

• 9:10Fortune Feimster?

  Is this like a Goldilocks situation?

• 9:13Tig Notaro?

  That's what it sounds like.

• 9:15Mae Martin?

  That's what it feels like. And she neatly folded all her clothes and she was naked in their bed.

• 9:19Tig Notaro?

  Oh, she folded her clothes.

• 9:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and so my dad got a baseball bat.

• 9:23Tig Notaro?

  I like that what sticks out to you is that she folded her clothes, not that she's naked. She's naked in the bed and you're like, oh, she folded her clothes.

• 9:32Fortune Feimster?

  Your dad got a baseball bat and then what?

• 9:34Tig Notaro?

  How old was she? She wasn't in the mood to play baseball, right?

• 9:37Mae Martin?

  She was in her 40s. My dad's like...

• 9:39Tig Notaro?

  She was baseball ready?

• 9:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And my dad just said, "You gotta get out. What are you doing?" She just woke up and said, "Sorry, I'm sorry," put her clothes back on and left.

• 9:48Fortune Feimster?

  Had a nice nap.

• 9:49Tig Notaro?

  Well, we had a real hometown crime when I was growing up.

• 9:54Mae Martin?

  Oh, what was it? Oh, God, is it gonna be real dark?

• 9:57Tig Notaro?

  It's, it's...

• 9:58Fortune Feimster?

  I imagine, no.

• 9:59Tig Notaro?

  No, it is.

• 10:00Mae Martin?

  Oh, it is.

• 10:00Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it is.

• 10:01Mae Martin?

  Oh, fuck. It wasn't like someone stole a chicken and...

• 10:04Tig Notaro?

  No, there was this guy, and oddly, I think roughly around the same year, that, okay, this guy's name is Ricky.

• 10:13Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 10:14Tig Notaro?

  And the band Skid Row. Have you heard of them? They're a metal band.

• 10:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 10:18Tig Notaro?

  Sebastian Bach, lead singer.

• 10:20Mae Martin?

  Uh huh.

• 10:20Tig Notaro?

  He has this song, "Eighteen in Life," and it's about this kid Ricky.

• 10:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 10:25Tig Notaro?

  Okay? Ricky, at my school, who dated my best friend, Michelle, he, um, asked for a rifle for Christmas.

• 10:36Mae Martin?

  I don't know.

• 10:37Tig Notaro?

  His parents got him a rifle. He shot his parents. Threw the rifle in the lake. Drove his dad's pickup truck up to the school. He wasn't even old enough to drive, not that that's the biggest crime in the story.

• 10:52Mae Martin?

  Did he fold his clothes before he left?

• 10:53Tig Notaro?

  He did fold his clothes. Um, and he's still, he's life in prison.

• 10:57Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 10:57Tig Notaro?

  He is, and like every now and then I'll be going about my life and I'm like, oh, my God.

• 11:02Mae Martin?

  Ricky's still in prison?

• 11:02Tig Notaro?

  Ricky is still in prison.

• 11:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:05Fortune Feimster?

  That's crazy.

• 11:06Tig Notaro?

  And we were 15 years old.

• 11:08Mae Martin?

  And he came to school that day? Like, he came?

• 11:10Tig Notaro?

  He, he drove his dad's pickup truck up to school to tell the principal that his parents were dead.

• 11:15Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 11:16Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:17Fortune Feimster?

  Mm.

• 11:18Tig Notaro?

  Oof. Yeah.

• 11:19Mae Martin?

  That's a real hometown murder, yeah.

• 11:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that was, that was like... Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so Karen Kilgariff texted me.

• 11:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:28Tig Notaro?

  Caused this whole situation.

• 11:30Mae Martin?

  Back to, um...

• 11:30Fortune Feimster?

  That's what I'm talking about.

• 11:31Tig Notaro?

  Back to your muscles.

• 11:32Mae Martin?

  Back to my muscles. No, back to, we were talking about pops. So you said root beer you like, and then my question was, uh...

• 11:40Tig Notaro?

  What root beer? Well, it's Barks.

• 11:41Mae Martin?

  Barks.

• 11:42Tig Notaro?

  Originally from Biloxi, Mississippi.

• 11:44Mae Martin?

  Is it?

• 11:44Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 11:45Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 11:46Tig Notaro?

  And, you've never had Barks? Oh my god. And Barks in the Bottle. If anyone here is, uh, Mississippi.

• 11:53Fortune Feimster?

  Where are the bottles?

• 11:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Where are those Mississippi, uh, folk? But yeah, Barks in the Bottle is where it is at.

• 12:00Mae Martin?

  A glass bottle?

• 12:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes.

• 12:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:02Tig Notaro?

  I mean, Max and Finn love the fact that when I was little in Mississippi, that we'd be in the back of pickup trucks drinking Barks in the Bottle. Like, without seatbelts, just thrown in the back of a pickup truck.

• 12:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:17Tig Notaro?

  Yes, but anyway.

• 12:18Mae Martin?

  So if you're going to see a movie and, you know, you, you get a drink and they give you the empty drink, and then you go to the station, and they got all the taps and all the different pops. I went the other day and, obviously, I'm mixing multiple pops. That's like the great luxury of having the option.

• 12:36Fortune Feimster?

  You said you like to mix a lot of them, but...

• 12:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, I already said this?

• 12:39Fortune Feimster?

  You did, but that's fine. You're passionate about it.

• 12:41Mae Martin?

  I am. It's like a...

• 12:43Tig Notaro?

  Comes up every day.

• 12:44Fortune Feimster?

  If I'm gonna mix any drink, it would be like Sprite and like a cherry.

• 12:48Tig Notaro?

  Well, that's a Shirley Temple.

• 12:50Fortune Feimster?

  Exactly, yeah.

• 12:51Mae Martin?

  No, I'm going ginger ale, Coke Zero, and Fanta.

• 12:55Tig Notaro?

  Aren't those called kamikaze?

• 12:57Mae Martin?

  Are they?

• 12:57Tig Notaro?

  I mean, when I was a kid, kamikaze, you'd just go...

• 13:01Fortune Feimster?

  A little bit of everything.

• 13:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:03Tig Notaro?

  And you like the taste.

• 13:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and the person I was with was horrified.

• 13:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I can see that. Who were you with?

• 13:08Mae Martin?

  I was on a date, actually.

• 13:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, wow, okay. Okay, bury the lead.

• 13:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:14Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, just jump over a date and talk about the soda pop you had.

• 13:18Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, me? I was just on a little date, my says.

• 13:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:22Fortune Feimster?

  Can we know the gender?

• 13:25Mae Martin?

  The gender is female.

• 13:26Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, okay. I know you had a male date, right?

• 13:29Mae Martin?

  I did.

• 13:29Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, did we ever talk about how that went?

• 13:31Mae Martin?

  It was great.

• 13:32Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, okay.

• 13:33Tig Notaro?

  Tell us, what do you mean it was great? Tell us details.

• 13:37Mae Martin?

  No, I gotta turn a new corner.

• 13:39Fortune Feimster?

  Okay. Oh, I'm not sharing?

• 13:40Mae Martin?

  I'm not sharing. Well, if.

• 13:42Fortune Feimster?

  It's, we don't make you uncomfortable.

• 13:44Tig Notaro?

  Break this very easily.

• 13:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm into, I, yeah.

• 13:49Fortune Feimster?

  You're just having fun.

• 13:50Mae Martin?

  I'm having fun. I'm in my hot boy summer, I guess.

• 13:52Tig Notaro?

  And so when you go on a date with a dude.

• 13:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:55Tig Notaro?

  Do you pick each other up? Do you meet somewhere? Who picks up the bill?

• 13:59Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, nice, good questions.

• 14:01Tig Notaro?

  Thank you. Mm-hmm. Do you kiss goodnight?

• 14:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, give us all these details.

• 14:05Tig Notaro?

  Do you touch privates? What's happening?

• 14:07Mae Martin?

  This is the 1950s? Who pays the bill?

• 14:10Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I, I will say I am curious, too.

• 14:13Mae Martin?

  Hey, well, Fortune, me too.

• 14:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah, we're both curious. Can you give us any? You don't have to answer everything, but what you're willing to answer.

• 14:22Mae Martin?

  Well, on this particular date.

• 14:24Fortune Feimster?

  Uh-huh.

• 14:25Mae Martin?

  We met in a bar and we bought our own drinks, I think.

• 14:29Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 14:30Mae Martin?

  I think, or I bought a round and he bought a round.

• 14:32Fortune Feimster?

  All right.

• 14:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then did some kissing and then didn't go, but maybe, we'll see. Yeah.

• 14:39Tig Notaro?

  And did you meet on an app?

• 14:41Mae Martin?

  We did meet on an app. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:42Fortune Feimster?

  I would love to walk into a bar and see you smooching a dude.

• 14:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I don't know. Is it?

• 14:48Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know. It's fascinating to me.

• 14:50Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 14:50Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Right? No?

• 14:53Mae Martin?

  Have you kissed a boy?

• 14:54Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, have I kissed a boy?

• 14:55Mae Martin?

  We know about the HJ. But did you kiss?

• 14:58Fortune Feimster?

  It wasn't even a full HJ. It was a grab.

• 15:01Mae Martin?

  A grab. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:03Fortune Feimster?

  That was, that was.

• 15:03Tig Notaro?

  It was more of a musical lesson, right?

• 15:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 15:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:07Fortune Feimster?

  Um, the only boy, I've kissed two boys.

• 15:10Mae Martin?

  Uh-huh. Yeah.

• 15:11Fortune Feimster?

  But.

• 15:12Tig Notaro?

  Tongue?

• 15:12Fortune Feimster?

  Years and years ago. One tongue, one no tongue.

• 15:21Tig Notaro?

  Now, back to your muscles.

• 15:24Mae Martin?

  Back to my muscles, yeah. I'm doing a lot of pull-ups. I'm lifting weights with this bubbly boy trainer. He's so bubbly. My friend Elliot, he's amazing. If you're in LA, you gotta see Elliot. And I listen to Backstreet Boys or Alanis Morissette while I do it.

• 15:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:42Mae Martin?

  Or Weezer sometimes.

• 15:43Tig Notaro?

  I love Weezer.

• 15:44Mae Martin?

  Love Weezer.

• 15:44Tig Notaro?

  Not that I don't enjoy the others, but I'm like, I love how like, Weezer reminds me of the Cars. Like how almost robotic the music is.

• 15:54Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 15:54Tig Notaro?

  You know, like, Weezer reminds me of a modern day version of the Cars.

• 15:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I don't know the Cars. I was about to lie and pretend I did.

• 16:04Tig Notaro?

  You don't know the Cars?

• 16:05Mae Martin?

  No.

• 16:05Tig Notaro?

  Do you know the Cars?

• 16:06Fortune Feimster?

  With, um, with, um...

• 16:08Tig Notaro?

  Rick Ocasek, lead singer. You don't know the Cars. Oh my god.

• 16:11Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, tell me, tell me a song.

• 16:12Mae Martin?

  They don't know the Cars.

• 16:13Fortune Feimster?

  Tell me a hit song.

• 16:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:14Tig Notaro?

  They don't know the Cars.

• 16:15Fortune Feimster?

  Who are you talking to? Thomas?

• 16:17Tig Notaro?

  Anybody.

• 16:18Fortune Feimster?

  Are you talking to the air or Thomas?

• 16:19Tig Notaro?

  They don't know the Cars.

• 16:21Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, tell us the song. Is there a hit song?

• 16:25Tig Notaro?

  It doesn't, oh.

• 16:25Mae Martin?

  I don't think Tig knows.

• 16:26Tig Notaro?

  Oh, no, no, no.

• 16:27Fortune Feimster?

  Two against one.

• 16:28Tig Notaro?

  The Cars haven't had a hit.

• 16:30Mae Martin?

  Tig, are you stalling? Because you don't know the song?

• 16:32Fortune Feimster?

  You don't know their songs. You don't, yeah, you don't...

• 16:34Tig Notaro?

  Just What I Needed?

• 16:36Fortune Feimster?

  Just What I Needed.

• 16:38Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 16:39Fortune Feimster?

  Just What I Needed.

• 16:41Tig Notaro?

  How does it go?

• 16:42Fortune Feimster?

  I know, I know that song, but now I can't think of how it goes.

• 16:46Tig Notaro?

  Anyway, it doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter.

• 16:49Mae Martin?

  But they influenced Weezer, we think.

• 16:51Tig Notaro?

  I don't even know, I mean, I would have, I don't know. I have no idea. But when I hear Weezer, I'm like, god, this is like the modern day Cars. Because there's something...

• 17:00Fortune Feimster?

  And we know exactly what that means.

• 17:02Mae Martin?

  I like that the lead singer's name's Rivers Cuomo. That's a great name. Rivers is a great name.

• 17:08Tig Notaro?

  I remember he went through a period of time, maybe still, where he was abstaining from sex.

• 17:15Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 17:15Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:17Mae Martin?

  I should do that.

• 17:18Tig Notaro?

  I feel like it was around 2001.

• 17:19Fortune Feimster?

  You, really? Had you entered your hot boy summer?

• 17:22Mae Martin?

  No, you're right. Now's not the time.

• 17:23Fortune Feimster?

  Now's the, save that for winter.

• 17:25Mae Martin?

  Wait, and he publicly was like, I'm, why, for like, to keep his creative juices?

• 17:30Tig Notaro?

  Possibly.

• 17:31Mae Martin?

  Is that a thing? Do you think that you're... Expelling, like if the energy of desire is connected to the energy of creativity in some way, or like, like, do you think being monastic and stuff is gonna, you'll channel that energy into other stuff?

• 17:46Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. Maybe that's his hope, that was his hope. Well, maybe he had other issues around, you know, relationships, or sex, or whatever it was, that he felt like he had. There he goes. All right, he's off to the races.

• 18:01Mae Martin?

  A motorcycle just zoomed by.

• 18:03Tig Notaro?

  Did you hear that?

• 18:09Mae Martin?

  Did you end up doing your thing in Ojai that you were gonna do?

• 18:11Tig Notaro?

  I did. How was it? Yeah, Emily Salyers, from the Indigo Girls.

• 18:16Mae Martin?

  How was it?

• 18:17Tig Notaro?

  It was so, I mean, it was such a magical weekend.

• 18:22Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 18:22Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie and I took Max and Finn to Ojai, and it was for the playwrights conference at the Ojai Playhouse.

• 18:32Tig Notaro?

  Such a great theater, such a great lineup of talented people, and we stayed, you know, Michaela Watkins? Mm-hmm, I love her. Yeah, she's so ridiculously funny. Mm-hmm. And a solid human being, as is her husband Fred, and we stayed in their guesthouse for the weekend. Oh, nice.

• 18:55Mae Martin?

  So nice.

• 18:56Tig Notaro?

  And their property is just so beautiful, and we were swimming, treading water and whatever. Oh, that's nice. Going for ice cream, and everyone kept yelling, "Keep it handsome!"

• 19:06Mae Martin?

  No way!

• 19:07Tig Notaro?

  Everywhere in Ojai.

• 19:08Mae Martin?

  Seriously!

• 19:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God, amazing!

• 19:10Mae Martin?

  I love that. I went to, I went up recently to Ojai, and I swam in a river, like, this...

• 19:16Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I was jumping, scrabbling around.

• 19:19Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, Fred wanted to take us to the river.

• 19:21Mae Martin?

  It's amazing.

• 19:22Tig Notaro?

  We didn't have time.

• 19:23Mae Martin?

  It was so nice.

• 19:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:25Mae Martin?

  And then there were, there were these people there with their, with a dog, and the dog was jumping in the water. And I had my camera and I was like paparazziing this dog and getting, and I think they were getting uncomfortable with it. Cause I was like.

• 19:35Tig Notaro?

  Was it Lassie?

• 19:37Mae Martin?

  When in the water, it was like a cattle dog. It was a, a beautiful cattle. I want a dog so bad.

• 19:43Tig Notaro?

  Like an Australian cattle?

• 19:44Fortune Feimster?

  I thought you were gonna share custody with one, with the Alana.

• 19:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, these two pit bull puppies, um, Bert and Ernie, one of them I think has been adopted and then Alana's keeping the other one.

• 19:55Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, she is.

• 19:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah, she's keeping Ernie. Alana Johnston, Alana's.

• 20:01Mae Martin?

  When will she be my friend, Alana's?

• 20:03Tig Notaro?

  Alana's? I don't know. Talk straight to the camera, Alana's.

• 20:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, Alana's, you're the girl. Can you be friends with May?

• 20:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like I don't mean to be weird about it, but I just think we'd get along.

• 20:14Fortune Feimster?

  I think, I also think we'd get along too, but if you also wanna be my friend.

• 20:18Tig Notaro?

  I feel like we would have intense issues. I actually, I've already met Alana's.

• 20:23Mae Martin?

  So have I.

• 20:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we met Alana's too. We're saying we wanna be friends with Alana.

• 20:27Tig Notaro?

  I know, but I'm saying like, I met her, we had bad energy.

• 20:31Fortune Feimster?

  No, you did not. Alana's, I don't think has bad energy with anyone. She stared deep in my soul and I've been changed ever since.

• 20:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's what I want.

• 20:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well, I have been changed ever since. I mean, this weekend in Ojai.

• 20:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Tig Notaro?

  Listening to Emily Salyers sing with Beth Malone. Do you know who Beth Malone is?

• 20:54Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-mm.

• 20:55Tig Notaro?

  Um, one of the stars of Fun Home. Did you see Fun Home?

• 20:59Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:59Tig Notaro?

  Are you familiar with Fun Home?

• 21:00Fortune Feimster?

  No. That was great. It's a great musical. You would, you gotta.

• 21:04Tig Notaro?

  What are you talking about?

• 21:06Fortune Feimster?

  Is there a way to see it?

• 21:08Tig Notaro?

  I saw it in New York and I saw it in LA. It is so.

• 21:11Fortune Feimster?

  Fun Home.

• 21:12Tig Notaro?

  Fun Home.

• 21:13Fortune Feimster?

  You would really, you would really like it.

• 21:15Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 21:15Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 21:16Tig Notaro?

  It is.

• 21:16Fortune Feimster?

  It's gay.

• 21:17Tig Notaro?

  It is so gay.

• 21:18Mae Martin?

  Okay, now we're talking.

• 21:19Tig Notaro?

  And, um, it's so, oh, and. Stephanie pointed out, because we, well, let me finish. Emily, hearing Emily and Beth and then Jonathan Brooke, you know, she was in the band The Story and she's incredible solo. The three of them singing, I was like, somebody kill me.

• 21:39Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 21:39Tig Notaro?

  Yes, and then independently and everybody on the show.

• 21:42Mae Martin?

  I love that feeling.

• 21:43Tig Notaro?

  It was so insane.

• 21:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 21:44Tig Notaro?

  But on One Mississippi, Stephanie and I recreated and sang the duet, the song from Fun Home called Ring of Keys.

• 21:55Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 21:57Tig Notaro?

  As a duet.

• 21:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 21:58Tig Notaro?

  It is such a beautiful song.

• 22:00Mae Martin?

  Does Stephanie sing?

• 22:02Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I love her voice.

• 22:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, I didn't know that. She never sings in improv when we're doing improv. In fact, if a song comes up, she'll bail.

• 22:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 22:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:10Tig Notaro?

  She's a little weirdo, but she sang that night with Emily and Beth and everyone. Ring of Keys is not a duet. Oh, what I was gonna say is it's the little girl version of Beth's character in the play.

• 22:24Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 22:25Tig Notaro?

  Who's like maybe 10 and she's in this store. And then this butchy woman walks in with a ring of keys on her belt loop and has lace up boots. And this little girl is like, sees herself in this person. And it's that moment of like, and the lines of the song are like, I know you.

• 22:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:52Tig Notaro?

  Can you feel my heart saying hi?

• 22:54Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 22:55Tig Notaro?

  It is the most beautiful song. And Stephanie and I sang it to each other in our little love story in One Mississippi. And then we're in Ojai with Beth Malone.

• 23:04Mae Martin?

  That's cool.

• 23:05Tig Notaro?

  Um, who didn't sing Ring of Keys, but she sang Ring of Keys at the, the performances last weekend. And Stephanie and I were just like, are you kidding me?

• 23:17Tig Notaro?

  I mean, you have to see.

• 23:18Mae Martin?

  It's a perfect weekend for you.

• 23:19Tig Notaro?

  It really was. It was so fun and, um, yeah, we just, we all had a wonderful time.

• 23:26Mae Martin?

  Oh, good. I've loved Jesus Christ Superstar, the musical. And I, have I already said this too, Fortune? I don't think so, but you know that they're doing it, the Hollywood Bowl with Cynthia Erivo. Yeah, I got tickets, but I felt like, I feel like I've lost my mind because I went nuts. It was late at night. I saw it. It's Adam Lambert as Judas, Cynthia Erivo as Jesus. And I. Spent $2,000.

• 23:50Tig Notaro?

  Whoa.

• 23:50Mae Martin?

  On ticket. I should, I should, should we cut that out? Does that, is that really like?

• 23:54Tig Notaro?

  No, people need to know.

• 23:55Mae Martin?

  I, I have made.

• 23:57Fortune Feimster?

  People, people need to know.

• 24:00Tig Notaro?

  Yes, people need to know.

• 24:02Mae Martin?

  But I don't even have someone to go with. I just was like, I need to be there and I need to be near the front. I don't know why. But I don't think you're gonna have a hard time getting somebody to go to that with you. Do you think? Do they have to reimburse you? No.

• 24:15Fortune Feimster?

  The Hollywood Bowl is pretty magical, too.

• 24:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:18Fortune Feimster?

  Really great experience.

• 24:20Mae Martin?

  I think I'm gonna love it.

• 24:21Fortune Feimster?

  If you really wanna see something, you work hard, go see it.

• 24:23Mae Martin?

  Am I trying to get my dad to come down to LA? Cause he was in Jesus Christ Superstar.

• 24:28Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, that's a different kind of evening than I thought for you, but that's great, too.

• 24:32Mae Martin?

  I mean, I think it'd be really bonding. He's like, he, he played, he was the understudy for Pontius Pilate and he also was.

• 24:39Fortune Feimster?

  Is it Pontius or Pontius?

• 24:41Mae Martin?

  Or is it Ponties?

• 24:42Fortune Feimster?

  I thought it was Pontius Pilate.

• 24:44Mae Martin?

  Wait.

• 24:44Fortune Feimster?

  Isn't that Pontius, is it?

• 24:46Mae Martin?

  How do we always run into this problem?

• 24:48Fortune Feimster?

  That sounds like Ponties. Ponties Pilate?

• 24:51Mae Martin?

  You're saying Pontius?

• 24:52Fortune Feimster?

  I thought it was Pontius.

• 24:53Mae Martin?

  Pontius Pilate? I've always said Pontius.

• 24:56Fortune Feimster?

  Now I don't know.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Uh, I can play the Google pronouncer of it.

• 25:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:02Mae Martin?

  Oh, God.

• 25:02Fortune Feimster?

  Pontius Pilate.

• 25:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, no, one more time?

• 25:06Fortune Feimster?

  Pontius Pilate. Still Pontius Pilate.

• 25:08Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 25:09Fortune Feimster?

  Pontius just makes me think of Ponties.

• 25:12Mae Martin?

  So then has my dad been saying it wrong?

• 25:14Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe that's y'all's Canadian way.

• 25:16Mae Martin?

  That's why you think it's Ponties. Yeah.

• 25:18Tig Notaro?

  When they're, when they're actually called Pontius.

• 25:20Fortune Feimster?

  I was like, I, I was like, I, you know, they made me go to church all the time growing up. I was like, I'm pretty sure it's Pontius.

• 25:26Speaker 03

  Oh, there is a, uh, British pronunciation.

• 25:28Fortune Feimster?

  British, there you go.

• 25:30Mae Martin?

  Oh, God, here we go. Fucking hell.

• 25:34Fortune Feimster?

  It's still Pontius.

• 25:35Tig Notaro?

  It's just more Pontius Pilate. Can you run the Japanese pronunciation for that?

• 25:41Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 25:42Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 25:43Mae Martin?

  But I think that would be good, um, bonding.

• 25:46Fortune Feimster?

  That would be nice.

• 25:47Mae Martin?

  Cause he always sings the, his line from the play was, "Good Kaia Fest, the council waits for you." And he always sings it in the kitchen while he's cooking. It was like 40 years ago that he was in the musical, but he loves it.

• 25:59Tig Notaro?

  That's his one line in the musical? That'll be a great show.

• 26:03Fortune Feimster?

  I think you're gonna-

• 26:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, it's gonna be great, yeah.

• 26:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you'll have a ball. I gotta go to the Hollywood Bowl sometime this summer.

• 26:08Mae Martin?

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I bet you will.

• 26:10Fortune Feimster?

  I sure will.

• 26:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, listen to some music, dance around.

• 26:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 26:14Tig Notaro?

  I know we have to get to our guest, but I want to tell you something.

• 26:17Mae Martin?

  Please.

• 26:17Tig Notaro?

  I'm going at, um, I'm-

• 26:23Fortune Feimster?

  We're just holding hands for a minute.

• 26:24Tig Notaro?

  Let's all really pull together, because this just went hard, what I'm about to say.

• 26:28Fortune Feimster?

  Feeling handsome right now.

• 26:29Tig Notaro?

  I go to physical therapy at seven in the morning.

• 26:32Mae Martin?

  Oh, fuck.

• 26:33Tig Notaro?

  And I feel like, I'm just like, walking on air, because I, I, I find it so fun to be walking down the sidewalk at like, six forty-five in the morning.

• 26:42Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 26:43Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it's so exhilarating.

• 26:45Mae Martin?

  People are asleep.

• 26:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and, and, um, and I go, and I, physical therapy, working on my knee and my back and stuff, and then, um, and it's inspired me to get a, a personal trainer this week, or this summer.

• 27:00Mae Martin?

  Yes, dude.

• 27:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 27:02Mae Martin?

  Who are you gonna get?

• 27:04Tig Notaro?

  Who am I gonna get?

• 27:04Mae Martin?

  Who are you gonna get?

• 27:05Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. You want to be my personal trainer?

• 27:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I think you should get Elliot. Yeah, he's amazing, yeah. But, um, your physical therapy, is it like, strengthening stuff, or loosening stuff, or what?

• 27:16Tig Notaro?

  Um, all sorts of things. Strengthen it, loosen it up, strengthen it back up, pull it tight, let it go, cut it off.

• 27:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:25Fortune Feimster?

  Whatever it takes.

• 27:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, so, uh, I don't know, you know, I might be buff one day, it might surprise you.

• 27:31Fortune Feimster?

  I should do that, too. Maybe I'll get buff with you, we'll catch up to May.

• 27:36Mae Martin?

  Just weights are the best thing.

• 27:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but May can't tread water for an hour.

• 27:40Mae Martin?

  No way, are you kidding? I am so-

• 27:42Tig Notaro?

  So, if you and I are treading for an hour-

• 27:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 27:44Tig Notaro?

  And we get buff, oh, I'm fucked then, yeah.

• 27:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, watch out.

• 27:49Tig Notaro?

  We'll log tie ya.

• 27:50Fortune Feimster?

  We're gonna have a handsome wrestling match.

• 27:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we will.

• 27:59Mae Martin?

  Pontius Pilate. Yeah, it's Pontius. Fuck.

• 28:04Tig Notaro?

  Pontius.

• 28:04Fortune Feimster?

  That's alright, I'm...

• 28:05Tig Notaro?

  Ponti.

• 28:07Fortune Feimster?

  The best thing about this podcast is that we all learn something new.

• 28:10Mae Martin?

  We really do.

• 28:11Fortune Feimster?

  Right?

• 28:12Mae Martin?

  We really do.

• 28:13Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. And then sometimes we...

• 28:16Tig Notaro?

  Learn things we don't want to know.

• 28:17Fortune Feimster?

  Learn things we don't want to know and sometimes we give information that's wrong.

• 28:21Mae Martin?

  Oh, a million percent. A million percent.

• 28:25Tig Notaro?

  Every now and then, we do give some incorrect information.

• 28:33Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, God. I went to get a coffee the other day and the person told me to keep it handsome. It's such a treat.

• 28:40Mae Martin?

  It's so good.

• 28:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's fun. I was walking across the street in Ojai with my family and this truck goes by and I just hear this woman yell, "Keep it handsome!"

• 28:55Tig Notaro?

  And then I was also, I was waiting for my family to come out of the ice cream shop. So I was sitting alone on a bench, just going like this.

• 29:04Fortune Feimster?

  I love a bench.

• 29:05Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and you love ice cream. I'm sitting there alone, just like licking my ice cream.

• 29:09Mae Martin?

  You have your ice cream, yeah.

• 29:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and this woman walks by and she's like, "I love your podcast." I was like, "Thanks."

• 29:17Mae Martin?

  Our question asker today, I'm so excited, I'm such a fan of hers.

• 29:21Tig Notaro?

  I can tell, your foot's flapping.

• 29:23Mae Martin?

  My foot, look, my little foot started jiggling.

• 29:25Tig Notaro?

  You love this woman.

• 29:26Mae Martin?

  I love this woman.

• 29:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:27Mae Martin?

  She's hilarious, she's a great actor. You know her from Girls, from the movie Megan, and from Get Out. And she has a new podcast out on HeadGum, which is where our podcast is.

• 29:38Tig Notaro?

  Wow, so she'll be in here recording, I guess.

• 29:41Mae Martin?

  Oh my gosh, she'll be in the building.

• 29:42Tig Notaro?

  That's insane.

• 29:42Fortune Feimster?

  We'll have to say hi to her sometime.

• 29:43Tig Notaro?

  What's her name?

• 29:45Mae Martin?

  Well, her podcast is called Landlines.

• 29:46Tig Notaro?

  Okay, what's her name?

• 29:47Mae Martin?

  Allison Williams is asking today's question.

• 29:50Tig Notaro?

  She's so fun.

• 29:52Speaker 04

  Hello, handsome podcast. You handsome podcast, you. It's Allison Williams, I'm a huge fan of your show and of all three of you individually. What are the odds? It's a dream scenario. I really hope that I get to like... Hang with you in real life one of these days, but

• 30:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, please.

• 30:08Speaker 04

  In the meantime, I've been given the great honor and honestly burden, but happy to shoulder it of asking you a question that no one has asked you yet that sparks conversation and that I can also answer in a way that isn't boring. What is the most banal superpower, AKA just life skill, that you wish you could download into your system automatically?

• 30:34Speaker 04

  I'm not looking for anything extraordinary or even impressive necessarily. It's just something that maybe a huge swath of the population can just already do and you cannot.

• 30:50Speaker 04

  That is my question.

• 30:53Mae Martin?

  Yep.

• 30:53Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 30:54Mae Martin?

  Great question. Thank you, Austin Williams. And we would also like to hang out with you as well.

• 30:59Fortune Feimster?

  Calm down cowboy.

• 31:03Mae Martin?

  I think, did I, I feel like something popped into your mind because you really quickly were like, yep.

• 31:08Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, well, I, I don't know. It's hard because I can technically carry a tune. We've all seen it. Okay. We've all seen it. We've all seen it with Alanis.

• 31:21Fortune Feimster?

  And the chicks. But man, if I could sing like Kelly Clarkson.

• 31:25Mae Martin?

  Right, like really.

• 31:26Fortune Feimster?

  Like really just, you're, you're like hanging out with people and they're like, oh, there's like a mic on stage and a karaoke is about to start.

• 31:35Mae Martin?

  That always happens.

• 31:36Fortune Feimster?

  You know how that happens in life? And you just get up there and you sound like Kelly Clarkson?

• 31:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:42Fortune Feimster?

  Come on.

• 31:43Mae Martin?

  I feel like the thing that separates like amateur singers from

• 31:46Fortune Feimster?

  Did you say amateur?

• 31:47Mae Martin?

  Okay. What are you saying?

• 31:50Fortune Feimster?

  Amateur, but amateur.

• 31:52Mae Martin?

  Amateur.

• 31:52Fortune Feimster?

  But that could be a British thing. Have you not talked to people? Like, how are these? Amateur could be a British thing.

• 31:57Mae Martin?

  I just maybe read a lot of, I read a lot. I don't speak a lot.

• 32:01Fortune Feimster?

  You speak like old language, like.

• 32:05Mae Martin?

  Amateur Pontius.

• 32:08Mae Martin?

  But like, you know how really amazing singers can do those like roles, like a Whitney Houston, like a Oh, like.

• 32:18Mae Martin?

  Uh, well, you did it the other day with.

• 32:23Mae Martin?

  Like, but the, yeah.

• 32:26Fortune Feimster?

  Don't do that.

• 32:29Tig Notaro?

  You said when you're hanging out with friends, there's a microphone.

• 32:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 32:32Tig Notaro?

  That's what I just did. I got the Kelly Clarkson in me going.

• 32:35Fortune Feimster?

  That's true. But can you, can you imagine just being able to like belt like that?

• 32:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:41Fortune Feimster?

  That's, she's like next level. I don't, I've never even heard Kelly go flat.

• 32:46Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 32:47Fortune Feimster?

  It's just unbelievable and the range.

• 32:49Tig Notaro?

  How often do you hear her sing?

• 32:50Fortune Feimster?

  As much as possible. I, I'm always looking up her songs online.

• 32:54Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm. And this is where I come in again and tell the story about Aynar, her bass player.

• 33:00Mae Martin?

  Yes, yeah. You kissed?

• 33:03Tig Notaro?

  I, I can't even pretend like he was my boyfriend, but we're friends now.

• 33:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:08Tig Notaro?

  And, um, but yeah, we had a little, uh, thing for one another.

• 33:13Mae Martin?

  And he's Kelly's bassist?

• 33:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 33:15Mae Martin?

  Okay, so.

• 33:17Fortune Feimster?

  I wouldn't mind if I could also with that, play, um, piano or guitar really well.

• 33:23Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 33:24Fortune Feimster?

  What are you doing, buddy?

• 33:26Mae Martin?

  Biggie's suddenly revved up. It was from all the, the singing. It's very George of the Jungle.

• 33:34Fortune Feimster?

  It feels like, yeah, I know, Biggie is disturbing. That noise that came out.

• 33:39Tig Notaro?

  He's disturbed by that?

• 33:41Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 33:41Tig Notaro?

  Well, I'm looking at his, um, his B-hole.

• 33:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah, so. Okay, I think mine would be, and this would really improve my quality of life, is like just to be one of those people who's effortless in the kitchen, like who whips up a meal and then also it's suddenly cleaned up and tidy after. Like, it's like it never happened. Like, people are good at that.

• 34:02Tig Notaro?

  I'm good at that.

• 34:03Mae Martin?

  Are you?

• 34:04Tig Notaro?

  I am good at, I'm not great at cooking. I'm fine. I can get things heated up and chopped and stuff.

• 34:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:11Tig Notaro?

  And into your mouth, but like, I clean as I go.

• 34:14Mae Martin?

  Smart.

• 34:15Tig Notaro?

  I am that person that, I mean, when I make my smoothie in the morning.

• 34:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:19Tig Notaro?

  It, there's no sign of it by the time I'm, you know.

• 34:22Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 34:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:23Mae Martin?

  I just remember, I don't think either, my, my dad can whip stuff up fast. He's a really good cook.

• 34:28Tig Notaro?

  Puppets too.

• 34:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah, he whips up a puppet, like nobody's business. But when I was a kid and I'd go to people's houses and just their parents would be like. Oh, you want a, an omelet and they, you know, and they, they cook it so fast.

• 34:38Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that's nice. That's a nice skill too.

• 34:40Tig Notaro?

  Well, an omelet's kinda easy.

• 34:42Mae Martin?

  I guess.

• 34:43Tig Notaro?

  You just get the little flat, uh, egg situation, throw some stuff and flip it over.

• 34:49Mae Martin?

  What's a flat egg situation? Or you mean?

• 34:51Tig Notaro?

  Like on a skillet?

• 34:53Mae Martin?

  You're using a skillet?

• 34:54Tig Notaro?

  What do you use?

• 34:56Mae Martin?

  Pan, regular frying pan.

• 34:57Tig Notaro?

  Sure, you can use that, but I'm just saying like, you throw in your ingredients or whatever, whether it's in the mix of the egg. Or you put it in the middle.

• 35:08Mae Martin?

  Okay, but what if?

• 35:09Tig Notaro?

  Middle and you flap it over, I mean, I don't even eat eggs, but I did.

• 35:14Mae Martin?

  An asparagus omelet.

• 35:15Fortune Feimster?

  That's right, no eggs for you.

• 35:17Mae Martin?

  So asparagus omelet, the asparagus has gotta be cooked before it goes in.

• 35:22Tig Notaro?

  Unless you like a raw asparagus in your cooked egg.

• 35:25Mae Martin?

  And you're a psychopath.

• 35:26Fortune Feimster?

  I am impressed by people that can just go in the fridge and pull a bunch of crap out and make something amazing.

• 35:30Mae Martin?

  If I did that.

• 35:31Fortune Feimster?

  You can?

• 35:32Tig Notaro?

  I can pull a bunch of things out and make something, um, decent, terrible to average.

• 35:37Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 35:38Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I mean, it's gotta taste good.

• 35:40Tig Notaro?

  Okay, but I have to say, there've been many times that Stephanie's like, wow. Like, wow, you heated up these things that were all not belonging together.

• 35:51Mae Martin?

  The first step for me would be having the ingredients and the things. Like, if I did that now in my fridge, I'd be like, I got a protein bar, a cheese string, and an applesauce. What can I?

• 36:00Tig Notaro?

  Omelet.

• 36:01Mae Martin?

  What can I make with this? Yeah, scramble it up, yeah. Yeah, so that's mine, I think, like effortless cooking. Think about how healthy I'd be, like.

• 36:10Fortune Feimster?

  You seem pretty healthy to me.

• 36:12Mae Martin?

  I feel like.

• 36:13Tig Notaro?

  Your muscles.

• 36:13Mae Martin?

  Okay, but I'm tired all the time.

• 36:15Fortune Feimster?

  You're thin, though.

• 36:16Mae Martin?

  But I'm eating probably a bunch of weird stuff. Thank you.

• 36:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 36:20Mae Martin?

  But I want to be eating fresh, organic food that I'm cooking up myself.

• 36:25Fortune Feimster?

  Got the, that unlocked.

• 36:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 36:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 36:28Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I, you eat so clean.

• 36:30Tig Notaro?

  But I also, I have cookies and I have cake and I have chips and nobody's listening.

• 36:40Mae Martin?

  Biggie just almost fell over, but he was already lying down.

• 36:43Fortune Feimster?

  He probably didn't realize where he was. Oh, yeah, you kind of loved to me.

• 36:49Mae Martin?

  Okay, what would your superpower be?

• 36:50Tig Notaro?

  But yeah, I want to make it clear.

• 36:52Fortune Feimster?

  What's up?

• 36:53Tig Notaro?

  I still have vegan cake and cookies and things like.

• 36:56Fortune Feimster?

  I know, I know, and that's good. You have to like treat yourself, but you are a very clean eater.

• 37:02Tig Notaro?

  But I also love it. People misunderstand and think that I'm doing this against my will.

• 37:10Tig Notaro?

  Healthy and I'm like, I'm very, I'm, it excites me.

• 37:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:14Fortune Feimster?

  That's great. See, I, I want to have more of that. Like, I want to, uh, I want to crave the kind of foods you crave.

• 37:21Tig Notaro?

  Well, I would love to make my smoothie for you.

• 37:24Fortune Feimster?

  I would love it.

• 37:25Tig Notaro?

  Um, but also I'll go out to eat with people and they're like, oh, is it okay if I order this or that? And I'm like, I don't, just because I eat this way, I don't care.

• 37:34Fortune Feimster?

  You're not the police, the vegan police.

• 37:36Tig Notaro?

  No, about anybody, the way they eat.

• 37:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 37:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:40Tig Notaro?

  Or, or exercise or don't exercise. Like, that's not my thing.

• 37:44Mae Martin?

  I want to have a dinner party and just, and, and do like three courses, but effortlessly.

• 37:50Tig Notaro?

  But also, little cowboy.

• 37:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:52Tig Notaro?

  For you to have a hot date with somebody who maybe spent the night for whatever reason.

• 38:00Tig Notaro?

  Say, how do you like your eggs?

• 38:02Mae Martin?

  How do you like your eggs in the morning?

• 38:09Tig Notaro?

  And would you cook naked with an apron on?

• 38:11Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, I would actually. I'd like that. I feel more confident naked than in clothes.

• 38:18Tig Notaro?

  Would you?

• 38:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Tig Notaro?

  Wear a ruffly apron?

• 38:22Fortune Feimster?

  What's a ruffly?

• 38:23Tig Notaro?

  Well, like ruffly.

• 38:24Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, ruffly.

• 38:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Like an apron with some ruffles around the edges.

• 38:29Mae Martin?

  I think I have to draw the line somewhere. I don't know. I would maybe do it as like a fun role play if I was like, I'm gonna fem it up.

• 38:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 38:37Mae Martin?

  You know?

• 38:38Tig Notaro?

  High heels. Naked with.

• 38:45Mae Martin?

  I've before, I was like a kind of like.

• 38:52Tig Notaro?

  And then kick your high heel off.

• 38:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, my god.

• 38:56Tig Notaro?

  A light comes crashing down. So you just walk around naked all the time?

• 39:02Mae Martin?

  In my, usually like in my underwear, but just like in general, it's when I put clothes on that I feel awkward. Like they don't fit right and I feel like I don't know how to sit and stand.

• 39:11Tig Notaro?

  That's why you need an apron and some heels.

• 39:13Mae Martin?

  That's all I need, some stilettos.

• 39:15Tig Notaro?

  I was in Australia with Caroline Ray once and I asked if she, if I could put on her high heels. And, um, and she let me put them on and I just was hauling ass down the sidewalk in her high heels.

• 39:27Fortune Feimster?

  Wow, they're hard to walk in.

• 39:29Mae Martin?

  I'd like to see that.

• 39:30Tig Notaro?

  Easy to run in, wow.

• 39:32Mae Martin?

  Caroline Ray cracks me up.

• 39:33Tig Notaro?

  She is a silly, silly person.

• 39:36Fortune Feimster?

  She gave me a funny tag and for one of my, I think, Sweet and Salty special. That, uh, where I was talking about coming out and she said, uh, she said, uh, your hair knew you were gay before you did. And I thought that was funny.

• 39:49Mae Martin?

  That's really good. Um, what would your superpower be?

• 39:53Tig Notaro?

  Well, I mean, I'm a little jealous of yours and yours, but mainly yours because I.

• 40:00Mae Martin?

  You relate.

• 40:01Tig Notaro?

  I just really would love to have, and maybe with the time off that I've had, I can utilize it to get better at cooking. But since I'm gonna go with something different, even though I would love to have both of your superpowers.

• 40:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:17Tig Notaro?

  I would love to garden. Yeah, I would love to be somebody that's just out snipping things and talking to you.

• 40:24Fortune Feimster?

  And having an abundance of produce come, come from it.

• 40:28Tig Notaro?

  Like right now, talk to me about something and I have gardening gloves on.

• 40:32Mae Martin?

  Uh, do you see that movie Sinners?

• 40:34Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no.

• 40:36Tig Notaro?

  Huh?

• 40:36Mae Martin?

  Do you see that movie Sinners?

• 40:38Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I didn't.

• 40:38Mae Martin?

  What are you doing there?

• 40:39Tig Notaro?

  I'm just clipping some things.

• 40:43Tig Notaro?

  You know the lingo.

• 40:47Tig Notaro?

  I'm halfway there.

• 40:47Fortune Feimster?

  You say vines, branches.

• 40:49Tig Notaro?

  I'm clipping the things.

• 40:52Mae Martin?

  I used to, my grandma used to always say, I have to go and deadhead the flowers. She'd deadhead them, like you'd take the dead leaves off and I'd go and be her buddy doing it and we'd have a good chat.

• 41:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah, you have to, you have to trim them so that they can bloom.

• 41:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Isn't that true of life?

• 41:08Fortune Feimster?

  Isn't it?

• 41:08Mae Martin?

  You gotta shed in order to blossom.

• 41:16Tig Notaro?

  Should we hear what, uh, Allison has to say?

• 41:18Mae Martin?

  I would love to hear what Allison has to say.

• 41:20Fortune Feimster?

  I bet you would.

• 41:26Speaker 04

  My answer to this question is that I would be able to nap. This system does not power down midway through the day. It needs like a lot of time to sort of like relax in order to go to sleep at night. That already is very difficult. But being able to take a nap, to like shut this down midday for forty five minutes, an hour and fifteen, like that's, that would fundamentally alter my life. And I have yet to figure out how to achieve that. Um, with the limited tools that I've been given in this, in this life. Um, anyway, thank you for having me and I hope I get to see you all very soon.

• 42:08Tig Notaro?

  Okay, I don't care what any of you say, I don't think she's ugly.

• 42:13Tig Notaro?

  I just don't.

• 42:16Tig Notaro?

  Her genetics are, uh.

• 42:17Fortune Feimster?

  Cut that out. Cut that out.

• 42:25Tig Notaro?

  The handsoms are flustered.

• 42:28Mae Martin?

  We can't objectify every.

• 42:30Tig Notaro?

  I think that's the first time the three of us have had the same taste.

• 42:41Fortune Feimster?

  Is it getting hot in here?

• 42:43Mae Martin?

  I'm really surprised you didn't say that for your answer, the sleep thing.

• 42:47Tig Notaro?

  I, I, well, after she said that, I was like, oh, there's another thing I want. I would love.

• 42:53Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 42:53Tig Notaro?

  I mean, I, I told you, I have a sleep coach right now.

• 42:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 42:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 42:57Fortune Feimster?

  Because napping is hard for me. I can't shut it down during the day.

• 43:01Mae Martin?

  My problem is, and, and I can, I know it's gonna be like, oh, classic May.

• 43:05Tig Notaro?

  Classic May.

• 43:06Mae Martin?

  Like.

• 43:07Tig Notaro?

  You're up making puppets all night.

• 43:09Mae Martin?

  When I lie down to have a nap.

• 43:11Tig Notaro?

  I mean, during the day.

• 43:12Mae Martin?

  Then I get horny and then I like.

• 43:14Tig Notaro?

  Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, timeout. You get horny when you go to take a nap?

• 43:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and then I'll think, I, I, I'll be stressed that I can't power down my brain and I, I'll think, well, if I just get off, then I'll sleep. And then I end up, that takes a while.

• 43:30Tig Notaro?

  Wide awake.

• 43:31Mae Martin?

  And it's time to get up again.

• 43:32Tig Notaro?

  Plus, it takes away from all the puppet making.

• 43:34Mae Martin?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 43:35Tig Notaro?

  Painting and.

• 43:36Fortune Feimster?

  I've never heard of going to take a nap and it makes you horny.

• 43:40Mae Martin?

  I hope people listening can relate to this. There's something about.

• 43:43Tig Notaro?

  Please, please.

• 43:44Mae Martin?

  Call 1-800-HANSMAN.

• 43:46Tig Notaro?

  Let us know.

• 43:46Fortune Feimster?

  Our handsome listeners, you must tell us if this is something any of you experienced.

• 43:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah, cuz it's like, an unusual time of day to be in bed, you know? Maybe you're even, yeah, I don't know. And, yeah.

• 43:59Tig Notaro?

  And you're already half naked, so.

• 44:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, exactly. You're in your frilly apron and your stilettos.

• 44:04Tig Notaro?

  Glancing at your own body, you're like, well, yeah, I'm hot.

• 44:07Mae Martin?

  No, it's like, it's like thi- thinking, I wanna be deeply relaxed, and, and, and I'm in a bed, and then, yeah, but it just takes too long, and then I get all, I gotta get up, and I'm.

• 44:16Tig Notaro?

  Also, Thomas, I just hiccup burped. Let's keep that in.

• 44:19Mae Martin?

  Keep that in, yeah.

• 44:22Fortune Feimster?

  Does it always take a long time?

• 44:24Mae Martin?

  No, no, but, honestly, that would be another great superpower.

• 44:29Tig Notaro?

  Wait, what are we talking about?

• 44:31Mae Martin?

  Getting off.

• 44:32Tig Notaro?

  Getting off.

• 44:33Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 44:34Tig Notaro?

  Sorry for all this.

• 44:35Mae Martin?

  That would be another great superpower, though, to be able to just, like, when you're ready for it to happen, you just go.

• 44:41Tig Notaro?

  I just wanna garden.

• 44:43Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I'd cut the thing.

• 44:45Tig Notaro?

  I just wanna cut, I just wanna trim the things. I just wanna garden.

• 44:48Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 44:49Tig Notaro?

  With my old wrinkly fingers.

• 44:51Fortune Feimster?

  I will say, if I sang like Kelly Clarkson, there would be, a lot of people would be horny.

• 44:55Tig Notaro?

  And that would help them.

• 44:57Mae Martin?

  I have a friend whose girlfriend can sleep anywhere.

• 45:01Tig Notaro?

  I'm trying to make vegan smoothies.

• 45:03Fortune Feimster?

  Derek and us.

• 45:12Tig Notaro?

  We um make a living doing this.

• 45:15Mae Martin?

  That's insane. That's insanity.

• 45:17Fortune Feimster?

  What is wrong with us?

• 45:19Tig Notaro?

  What is wrong with you specifically?

• 45:21Mae Martin?

  Take's just gardening.

• 45:23Tig Notaro?

  I'm just gardening over here.

• 45:25Fortune Feimster?

  We're trying to make people horny.

• 45:27Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie.

• 45:30Fortune Feimster?

  That wasn't my intent to sound like Kelly Clarkson, but it would be a byproduct. Did you, I told you all those lesbians went wild when she sang that song.

• 45:39Mae Martin?

  Oh yeah.

• 45:40Tig Notaro?

  Can you believe how old my hands look?

• 45:42Fortune Feimster?

  Grandma, take over here.

• 45:45Tig Notaro?

  Help. Oh my gosh, I saw this thing online and it's on Instagram. Um, I guess it's like whatever marketing towards me.

• 45:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:55Tig Notaro?

  Speaking of old hands. And it's this product, I don't mean to laugh, um, because I'm sure it's very helpful and I probably could use it because I do, you know, trip sometimes and break a femur, but uh, end up on a cane. It's like a vest that can sense if you're falling.

• 46:14Mae Martin?

  I've seen this.

• 46:15Tig Notaro?

  And it pops up like, it suddenly like inflates.

• 46:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it inflates and like catches your body.

• 46:21Mae Martin?

  I, I think you should get.

• 46:22Fortune Feimster?

  You should.

• 46:23Tig Notaro?

  I told Stephanie about it and she goes, first date. Um, because we always joke about just awkward moments or whatever. Like you forget to tell people that you have an inflatable vest on. And you trip and all of a sudden you're like on the ground, like with an airbag wrapped around you.

• 46:43Tig Notaro?

  Anyway.

• 46:45Fortune Feimster?

  Not a bad idea.

• 46:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but that was a really great question, like to think, like just something so, what seems like nothing.

• 46:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:54Tig Notaro?

  Sleeping, cooking, singing.

• 46:57Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:58Tig Notaro?

  What was the other thing?

• 46:59Mae Martin?

  This friend of mine.

• 47:00Tig Notaro?

  Gardening.

• 47:01Mae Martin?

  Gardening.

• 47:01Tig Notaro?

  My gosh.

• 47:02Mae Martin?

  This friend of mine who's, his girlfriend can sleep anywhere and will be having like a dinner party or something. And then she'll go and just lie on the couch and have a quick nap while everyone's still chatting and then she's up, she's back. Wow, I wish I could do that.

• 47:14Tig Notaro?

  Boom.

• 47:14Mae Martin?

  There's something nice about napping in a room where other people are, you feel like a little kid.

• 47:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 47:19Mae Martin?

  On the sofa.

• 47:20Tig Notaro?

  You can hear the talking.

• 47:21Mae Martin?

  You can hear the chatting in the background. Yeah, it's nice.

• 47:23Tig Notaro?

  I remember when Max and Finn were babies and I was in the writers' room for One Mississippi. And so tired, like, I know, people talk about how tired they are, but I mean, really, you're up every hour feeding these little beaks, you know?

• 47:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:41Tig Notaro?

  And then I'd have to be in the writers' room and then, um, I would close my eye, you know, when you're so deliriously tired, I, have I told this story before?

• 47:50Mae Martin?

  No.

• 47:51Tig Notaro?

  Uh, it's a good one. Gather around.

• 47:53Mae Martin?

  We're excited.

• 47:54Tig Notaro?

  But I would sit there in the room with all the writers, Thomas was there too, he was our writers' assistant. And I would, I was so delirious, I'd be like, I'll just close my eyes and nobody, uh, cause two people would be talking.

• 48:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 48:07Tig Notaro?

  And I think, okay, they're, they're engaged, everyone's gonna be looking at them, so I'll just close my eyes. And then Stephanie would nudge me and I'd be like, huh.

• 48:15Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 48:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Uh, but tired.

• 48:19Mae Martin?

  Well, it'd be nice if like in preschool, there's nap time and everybody rolls out their little mat and you get your little blanket. They should do that in writers' rooms.

• 48:27Fortune Feimster?

  Well, you know, in Spain, they have siestas after lunch, so there, it happens.

• 48:31Tig Notaro?

  There it happens.

• 48:32Fortune Feimster?

  There it happens.

• 48:34Tig Notaro?

  There it happens.

• 48:34Fortune Feimster?

  There it happens.

• 48:37Tig Notaro?

  Well, um.

• 48:38Fortune Feimster?

  My eyes too busy getting horny, so no naps for you.

• 48:42Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 48:43Mae Martin?

  No.

• 48:45Tig Notaro?

  All right.

• 48:45Mae Martin?

  Anyway.

• 48:46Tig Notaro?

  Well, that was a glorious episode.

• 48:48Mae Martin?

  It really was.

• 48:49Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, you know who sleeps anywhere, though?

• 48:51Tig Notaro?

  And who's asleep now?

• 48:52Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie. If he, in his bag in the car, asleep right away, like a baby.

• 48:57Tig Notaro?

  Dead eyes.

• 48:58Fortune Feimster?

  Watch your mouth.

• 48:59Tig Notaro?

  You watch your finger.

• 49:00Fortune Feimster?

  You watch your mouth.

• 49:01Tig Notaro?

  Don't shoot here.

• 49:02Fortune Feimster?

  He's full of life.

• 49:03Tig Notaro?

  I know. Aren't we all?

• 49:05Fortune Feimster?

  What a treat, you guys.

• 49:07Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 49:07Mae Martin?

  It's a pleasure being in the room with you guys.

• 49:09Fortune Feimster?

  I know.

• 49:10Tig Notaro?

  As always.

• 49:11Fortune Feimster?

  I love the gay energy that's happening in here.

• 49:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 49:14Fortune Feimster?

  We all came in just giddy as all get out.

• 49:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 49:20Fortune Feimster?

  It's fun.

• 49:21Tig Notaro?

  It's fun. We all fall asleep. It's fun.

• 49:29Tig Notaro?

  It's fun. Oh, you guys. What a delight. Anyone have anything coming up? I have, uh, Las Vegas at the Palazzo Theater, June 14th, and Lexington, Kentucky, Knoxville, Tennessee, Asheville, North Carolina, Lincoln, California, Edmonton, uh, San Antonio, Houston, DC, Atlanta, Boston, Chicago, fortunefeaster.com for tickets. What do you got, May?

• 49:55Mae Martin?

  I have, tonight, June 10th.

• 49:58Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 49:58Mae Martin?

  I am in San Francisco, playing music. I'm gonna play my whole album, Please Come.

• 50:04Tig Notaro?

  Oh, fun.

• 50:05Mae Martin?

  Don't remember the venue, but it'll be on maymartinmusic.com.

• 50:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Also- Oh, that must be your website.

• 50:10Mae Martin?

  That's my website. Also, May 12th, I'm in Portland, and May 13th, I'm in Vancouver, at the Vogue Theater. And that, that one I would love to, to sell out. If you're in Vancouver, I haven't been there since I filmed my stand-up special there, at that theater, and come say hi.

• 50:26Tig Notaro?

  Oh, and, um, my series Foo Bar, season two, will premiere June 12th. June 13th, I'll be in, uh, Los Angeles at Largo, and then June 14th, I think this is about, almost sold out, but the, um, Eureka Springs, Arkansas show. June 21st, I'll be at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. That's all you really need to know. I'm just at tignotaro.com, that's my website. Awesome, you guys. And if you just wanna buy a book, I have an old, a book- Buy it. That I wrote years ago, you know? What's it called? It's called I'm Just A Person, which is true. It is true. Yeah, I am just a person. Well, I imagine that, that book is amazing now.

• 51:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's really good. It is one of the best books, I think, ever written, readen- Read, readen. Read and written. Readen.

• 51:22Tig Notaro?

  No, it's, uh, it's an old book, but I just thought I'd plug it just randomly, why not, right? Yeah. Uh, get my old book. New York Times bestseller.

• 51:31Fortune Feimster?

  These old hands wrote it.

• 51:33Tig Notaro?

  These old hands. Wrote it.

• 51:37Tig Notaro?

  But, uh, man, was this a pleasure. Yeah, it was. What a pleasure. Oh, and if you like this show, subscribe. It's so important to subscribe and it's so important to give us, um, comments and feedback and tell your friends. Send this episode, subscribe to YouTube and our, uh, audio channel, but share your favorite episodes. Share this one.

• 51:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 51:58Tig Notaro?

  With a friend.

• 51:59Fortune Feimster?

  And get your summer merch. You know, we have those amazing, uh, muscle shirts.

• 52:03Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh. For your muscles.

• 52:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, and, uh, they're very popular in summertime and at Pride's.

• 52:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can wear it to Eureka Springs.

• 52:11Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we got those Pride belt bags, too.

• 52:14Tig Notaro?

  Fanny packs, some people call them.

• 52:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 52:16Tig Notaro?

  Well, until next time. Keep it handsome.

• 52:21Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 52:38Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast.

• 52:39Mae Martin?

  What a podcast.

• 52:44Fortune Feimster?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 52:46Speaker 05

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 52:48Speaker 06

  And Hannah Simone.

• 52:49Speaker 05

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing, every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dogged.

• 53:11Speaker 06

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 53:24Speaker 05

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield and Damon Wayans Jr. and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 53:35Speaker 06

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.