342 - Big Tennis's Big Claim

Hamish kicks off the show with an accidental sexy surprise. Extreme Empaths return with more confessions, the Bat Tennis investigation is finally solved, and Andy shares the clever couples' trick he uses on Bec. Plus, Hamish discovers a workplace sign that he and Andy would definitely ignore. 1. A Very Sexy Update 2. Extreme Empaths 3. Big Tennis Reach Out 4. Couples Tricks 5. The Un-fun Workplace Sign

• 0:02Speaker 00

  A Listener Production.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Activate your internet, because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three, two...

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Sorry, it's still buffering. One.

• 0:23Speaker 02

  Ahoy to my chashaku, Hamish.

• 0:27Speaker 03

  Okay, I mean, on one hand, I feel like we're Pokemon, but on the other hand, I always think we're Pokemon, and I've never heard of that particular Pokemon as the dad of a Pokemon curious child.

• 0:39Speaker 02

  Well, there's way too many Pokemon now. Is he still Pokemon curious?

• 0:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, you come in, we discovered, you come in and out of it.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 0:46Speaker 03

  And, well, maybe you were the same, Jack. I don't know if you've stayed ferociously hungry for Pokemon your whole life.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  No, only the original 150 for me.

• 0:54Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 0:55Speaker 03

  It seems to be that...

• 0:57Speaker 02

  Do you know how many are there now?

• 0:58Speaker 03

  Oh, it's like 600 or something now, isn't it?

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:01Speaker 03

  It seems to be that the way you collect Pokemon is you go through an intense phase. You put them all in a folder, then you forget about it for a few years, and then every few years, you have a panic where you go, "God damn it, where's that folder?" And that's worth X amount of dollars, and the X keeps increasing the longer you've lost it. So Sunny's walking around our house going, "I've got $35,000 worth of Pokemon I can't find." It's like you were Bitcoin, Jack. But I think in reality, if we found it, it's worth, you know, 80 bucks. And also, also, his friends Johnny and Rich, like some of our best mates, they have a market near their house, which sells fake Pokemon cards.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:39Speaker 03

  And they had a whole bunch of fake ones, which they knew were fake, but they were, it'd be like having a whole, it'd be like having a whole bunch of fake, you know, 9 in 51 bottles of Grange.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:50Speaker 03

  So you'd be like, "Hey, guys, who wants a 51 Grange? I've got 100 bottles."

• 1:53Speaker 02

  So now there's cards mixed in Sunny's that he can't identify.

• 1:57Speaker 03

  See, he keeps going, "I've got cards that are worth 30 grand," and I go, "But are you sure? Wasn't that the one that Johnny and Rich gave us?" Which I think were a member of fake. "No, no, these are for real." I was like, "Yeah."

• 2:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, but they're peeling off, and on the back of them, it's an AFL card from 1990.

• 2:13Speaker 03

  Did you really buy the first Ferrari ever made in your first car? Or do you think that wasn't a fake?

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Well, you've got the right country, Ham.

• 2:22Speaker 03

  Okay, sorry, Japan. So go again for me?

• 2:24Speaker 02

  You are the chashaku. Ahoy to my chasen, Jack. And I am...

• 2:30Speaker 03

  No guesses from Jack, just an ahoy. Konnichiwa.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  And I am the chawan.

• 2:35Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Now, to give you a clue, to give you a clue, now, we've done sumos before, we've done ninjas before, we've done samurai before. Beck has bought this, but bought all three of these things as part of a set for a fad going on at the moment, which...

• 2:53Speaker 03

  Is it matcha?

• 2:54Speaker 02

  He's got it!

• 2:56Speaker 03

  Yes! If you want fans, I'm your man. Is it the, is it like the bowl and the brush and the things you'd need for matcha?

• 3:05Speaker 02

  Oh, gosh, he's doing well.

• 3:06Speaker 03

  Anyway, it is a fad and available online, and an algorithm is able to serve me the ad. I will have seen that ad.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  So one of the different matches, too. Chashaku, you are the tea scoop ham.

• 3:20Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:20Speaker 02

  The measure, a slender bamboo scoop. To me, when I see it, I think we've made better scooping elements, and see, I can see that.

• 3:29Speaker 03

  You're ignoring the ritual of the matcha.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  Yes, I know. It's very long, and it's easy for Beck to spill powder...

• 3:37Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 3:37Speaker 02

  On its way from the can into her little bowl, and which I say, "Can you please not do that on the bench? If you are going to do a bench, can you please clean it up?" She ignores both of those. You are the chasen, Jack.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  The small bamboo whisk. I think this is probably the most popular or eye-catching utensil in the matcha, which is made out of a single piece of bamboo. It's split to make it look like a whisk, and then aerates your matcha.

• 4:01Speaker 03

  No other tool that you would have in your kitchen could whisk powder like this, even though the very verb of whisking hints that there is another item...

• 4:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  Somewhere in the kitchen that could do whisking. You must buy this bamboo brush.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  And I am the chawan, the tea bowl, the vessel, which you prepare the matcha, and obviously, very difficult to maintain the powder all in it, because it seems to be on the sides of it when Beck uses it and never cleans it up. That is what we are today.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  The then are the critical ingredients for the matcha ceremony. Actually, you did a matcha ceremony in Japan with the, because we were in Japan a couple of years ago, and I like to book the activities on the holiday, and I had...

• 4:48Speaker 02

  Did you run out at the...

• 4:50Speaker 03

  No, at the hotel, staying at, at the hotel, staying at, they said, "Would you like to do a..."

• 4:55Speaker 02

  What would a 10-year-old and a 6-year-old love to do above anything else?

• 4:59Speaker 03

  And I invited them to be younger than that, and I said, "We would love to do a matcha ceremony, an authentic matcha ceremony." And so the, you know, and it's all traditional dress, like a kimono, you kneel down. But boy, yeah, there were, there were ants in the kids' pants, especially because part of the matcha ceremony is the bowl. There's obviously, you know, Japan, beautiful culture, full of tradition, and best part about Japan is that, you know, they keep the traditions alive, they observe the traditions. So you don't want to go fast forward through this bit for us, please, but we are easily distracting westerners here, white people who don't, not familiar with this. One of the key parts I remember of the ceremony...

• 5:39Speaker 02

  Well, their culture is patience. It's one of their, one of their great examples.

• 5:41Speaker 03

  Flies in the face of my normal disposition.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 5:44Speaker 03

  One of the key parts, as we're all sitting in a circle, Minzo and the kids, and this lovely lady that's taking us through the ceremony on a bamboo mat in the foyer of the hotel, sort of ignoring there's like Americans checking in behind us, and we're trying to kind of have this moment. And one of the bits involves passing, you all have, each have a bowl, or the host has bowls for everyone.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, a chawan.

• 6:07Speaker 03

  A chawan, and you pass it to the, like, your guest.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:12Speaker 03

  But part of the tradition, it's rude to not do this, it's disrespectful to not do this, is you must look at the bowl and make conversation about the bowl for a while. So notice some features of the bowl.

• 6:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  And then, I guess, like, repeat that back to your host, and then that's, that's how you show respect, that you're enjoying the ceremony and you've noticed the bowl.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Right.

• 6:34Speaker 03

  So, as you said, Jack, watching a 6-year-old have to receive a bowl, and for us to be like, "Just don't disrespect the Japanese, say something nice about the bowl," very hard. I think, I think good bowl was top comment. Like, it was, it was Family Feud. "That's a nice bowl, it's got 100%," Serb says. "That's a nice bowl" was our top response.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  Is Beck, is Beck commenting on the bowl?

• 7:00Speaker 03

  No.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  Tell her she's not doing the ceremony correctly.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  No, she's always...

• 7:04Speaker 02

  She's always in a rush.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  But it's the opposite of, the whole point of the ceremony is to enjoy the process of making it.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I'm not going to try and go down that path.

• 7:13Speaker 03

  I would like you to Google how to do a traditional ceremony with her and, and treat her to one.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  You know what I'll do? Because I'm not going to do that. I'm going to say to her, I'll record this, I'll say to her, "I think you're rushing your matcha."

• 7:26Speaker 02

  And then go, "Did you know?" And then have some reference to go, "Part of the ceremony is to really appreciate the bowl."

• 7:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, so I'll, I'll see how that goes.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  And say something, and say something nice to the host about the bowl.

• 7:39Speaker 03

  Well, you guys will all see how that goes.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  If you tweet. Ahoy also to Dylan, who went to hamishandandy.com using the very easy-to-use system there, uploading what he's been up to from New York, New York.

• 7:50Speaker 04

  Ahoy, boys. I am currently sitting at Newark Airport outside of New York City, waiting to pick up my girlfriend from her flight, and I finally finished the pod. I've caught up after two years, I started from the very beginning and caught up.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  What a legend.

• 8:04Speaker 04

  Sitting here, I was like, "Oh, now that I've caught up, let's check out, you know, the boys' Instagram pages and see what they're up to, now that I feel like nothing can be spoiled." Only to find out, I have been confusing Hamish's voice for Andy and Andy's voice for Hamish for two years, in every single episode. This has hurt the fundamental wiring in my brain. I don't know how to take this. I'm going to try and put a good spin on it and say that this is the alternate reality pod that I got to listen to. And so I can actually go back from the beginning now and listen to it the way it's meant to be listened to. Cheers, boys.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  Look, it's fair enough. I mean, I forget, when you're part of a comedy duo, you forget, we're 20 years in now, Andy.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  It'd be shocking for him, though.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  Because I've always known which one of us is me.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, but he's in there going, "Oh my God, the good-looking one has the better voice as well." Like that.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  No.

• 9:04Speaker 03

  I thought, I thought the genetic lottery would have been a bit fairer than this.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  Hale guy, the receding airline, that's the annoying foot. Whoa, what a nice guy the handsome one is to be friends with that guy.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  Thank you, Dylan, but there, boys. Look, people confuse our voice a lot. We did a prank where you...

• 9:25Speaker 03

  A guy on the street yesterday, I mean, he was quite hurried and a little bit, you know, had a chat yesterday with Sunny about, you know, just how we'd be nice and polite to people that are a bit high-energy like that and right in your face, and, you know, he's charging along in parachute pants, and that's great, he's had places to be. And, you know, and explained to Sunny that he wasn't insulting me when someone says, "You're a funny..." that word.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  In Australia, that's, Australia, that's a high compliment, okay?

• 9:51Speaker 03

  He wasn't trying to fight dad, he was actually happy to see that.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  Paying the highest of respects in Japanese culture, it's kind of like really liking his bowl.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  He was liking dad's brain roll by calling you a funny, funny old fella.

• 10:08Speaker 03

  During this high energy exchange with this man, I was in a real hurry. And he, he did mention that he, that he effing loved what me and Hamish do.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  I said, yeah, and he goes, I think you thought you're Andy, Dad. I said, we don't know what that guy's. We say, thanks. He's a good guy. He's, he's, we, so we can thumbs up and we can hope he has a great day. But I was like, yeah, mate, people don't know which one we are.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Nah, well, I was gonna say that. We did a prank where you rang my mum as me and she never, she didn't even pick up on that. So I think we've both got voices that are very interchangeable. And we both had speech impediments growing up. And when I'm tired, mine comes back. According to my mum.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Love you. Let us know if and when you get some rest. You seem to have been tired for quite some time.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  Hey, you wanted the top of the show.

• 11:00Speaker 03

  I, I do. I've got some exciting news for you. You joke about you being the good looking one, but I have a little sexy surprise for both of you. I'm not wearing any frigging underpants.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  Who's the hot one now?

• 11:18Speaker 02

  Wow. Why?

• 11:19Speaker 03

  Why? Not deliberately, not deliberately, but I find myself, even as we talk.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  You're in a jean or a tracksuit pants?

• 11:27Speaker 03

  I'm on a shim in a short. Look at this.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  That's dangerous. Yeah, that is so dangerous. Don't lift your leg up. Don't lift your leg up.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  That's really dangerous.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Put the leg down. Wow.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  So, but you've got it, just for people in their cars at home, Hamish has a short that did taper in nicely. So we didn't see anything.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  I think it's more my thigh tape is out.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  To meet the hem. But so, no, nothing was seen, but the, you were in the danger zone. Yep. This was not deliberate. There's a couple of, couple of conflating factors here. I'm travelling, after we do the showtime, I've got to go into state. So I've got my stuff with me. Got to actually have a suitcase in the bag with me and dropped my little, dropped my son very early at school, very early. Six forty-five soccer training. And I'm like, well, we get in pretty early for the pod. Got, it's annoying to go home and come back out.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  So I met up with a mate. I was like, do you want to have a coffee or something? And he said, do you want to go for a walk? Yeah, let's go for a walk. So we went for a bit of a hot boy walk. And so I wore sports shorts, like more like gym clothes.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Which had a built in.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  They have a built in, um, under pant or a built in.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  Anti-chaf system.

• 12:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, like a leg, a like the longer leg, as they say, for chafing. It's always been an issue for me. And that's fine. And you go for your hot boy walk.

• 12:50Speaker 02

  I still, I still wear jocks under that, even though those shorts that have the built in.

• 12:55Speaker 03

  That's so much going on in there.

• 12:57Speaker 02

  Cause it's, it's just a mesh. I didn't know if. No, you're still mental. Sorry, no, the mesh is different. We're talking about a built in.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  I'm talking about a built in bike, bike shorts.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes. You definitely wear underpants with a mesh. Okay, good.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Unless it's, unless it's board shorts.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Yep, that's the rules.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  And as simple as that. So I went for a walk and I've, and everything was fine. I was like, oh, I'm going to get into the podcasting station. But you know, we're up a few floors here. And so I get out of the car. I was like, I don't want to take my suitcase all the way up just to change. Like I wasn't sweaty. We just had been walking. I was like, I might rock car park change.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:36Speaker 03

  Because then I can leave the suitcase in the car because I've got to drive to the airport off the show. But it's an interesting, like you and I have no qualms. Car park changes are interesting. We've been, we've changed in car parks many times. I always feel if you, if you're just going down to your undies.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:50Speaker 03

  It's fine. Like tops off. Yeah. We've changed pants, get out of, yeah, we've done it for our whole careers.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  And it used to be, I'd go, well, I'm fine with it. So I'm not embarrassed. So I'll do it. But it turns out now, particularly in the modern age, it's like, no, you're exposing yourself to people that may not like it. And so it's got to be more thoughtful.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Of the.

• 14:11Speaker 03

  I feel this is in the days, these are in the days of just, you know, we used to literally, we did the radio show for 10 years in our underpants every Friday. That was no questions asked. Pants are Friday. We'll just do it in our undies. So I think we just have an idea that underpants are clothes and.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  You know, but when you're getting out of the sports short that has the built in leg liner, you have to go completely nude.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  You do, which is weird.

• 14:34Speaker 03

  For a moment.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I wouldn't be doing that in a car.

• 14:37Speaker 03

  It's funny, isn't it though? Because you do that at the beach. You do a quick bum out at the beach.

• 14:43Speaker 03

  It's just, and I hope that never goes from Australian culture that you see just a fast. But it's not like we want to see fast bums all the, but you just go, this is a place where we know what they, you face into the car.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  As quick as you can.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 14:58Speaker 03

  There's always a bit of a shake as the leg goes into the underpants. Like chick, chick, chick, come on, come on, come on. You, your legs are sticky with salt water. Everyone, if you see a quick bum, you look away. That's just fine. Like that's how we, that's how we operate.

• 15:09Speaker 02

  Agreed.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  Will you do a quick bum, will you do a quick nude in the car park? Cars are coming past every 20 seconds or so.

• 15:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  That is a scarier proposition. But I did it. I was able to execute it.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  And you at least got the driver's side door open, trying to create a little shield.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. Front on shield. And so you're just going to see me from behind.

• 15:28Speaker 02

  And the difference is also in a, in a beach capacity car park, we know what's happened. He's gone for a swim. He's getting out of his wet.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  That is a bit more contextual. You're not expecting to see a bum in an office building car park. That presents a lot, a lot more questions. Like what's he done? Has the coffee gone through him? Why are you trying to dispose of his undies?

• 15:51Speaker 03

  I thought I could hear cars coming on the ramp as well. So I thought I'm going to have some warning. Worst comes if I, if I find myself tangled, which is your nightmare when you're doing this, I should be able to leap into the car.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  That's the thought that was going through my head. As a complete, like, yeah, fallback last position, I can leap into the car. But I, I was like, the coast is clear. I can't hear anyone. But as I looked through my suitcase, this is the reason I'm wearing no underpants. No undies, which is not something you'd face looking in a three day interstate trip, Andy, because you obviously pack like a normal person.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:27Speaker 03

  But I pack in a sort of an exciting frenzy where I will throw in, like, I get excited about who might I be on this trip? And what contingencies might I face? And I've got a few, I've got things like, I've got two thick woolen jumpers. But I don't, I guess I just missed the part of the trip where I was thinking about I needed underpants.

• 16:47Speaker 02

  Undies go in first for me. For that reason.

• 16:50Speaker 03

  Maybe in my head, I go, it's so obvious. I also pack.

• 16:54Speaker 02

  I forget socks, I must admit. As a guy that's ordered, I tend to get, like, I give you my staples, like you said.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  Undies on first is a good move. I'm going to take that on.

• 17:02Speaker 03

  Also never pack in one go. I'm not saying I get organised early, but I know I have to, if I know I have to pack, and this was last night, I have one hour. And over that one hour, there will be five 20 second windows.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  And you never know what you're going to think of in that 20 second window. One 20 second window might be toiletries and chargers.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 17:21Speaker 03

  The other 20 second window might be a book for mum that I'm going to give her or whatever. Just, just.

• 17:28Speaker 02

  So just to be clear though, you're going to buy some undies now?

• 17:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I will when we, I will have to. I need underpants the next few, but that's, it's, it is such a, I don't think I've freebought for. Well, not in shorts. I suppose apart from the beach for a very, very long time. And it is strange because we're in the city, like where the studios are. When you go in the elevator and like you get in the elevator, you got, you, you're like, I have this wild secret going on that no one knows about. And you feel like it's written all over your face because like I said, there's so much now skin on skin going on down there. Even just getting a coffee when the.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  The lady's like, hi, how's it going? You're like, well, yeah, good. Why? What have you heard?

• 18:13Speaker 03

  How are you? Did you hear something? Did you hear a light slap as I walked up?

• 18:19Speaker 03

  I don't think that was me. Anyway, wild. So sexy start to the show, but I will go and get them after the show.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  Unless you've got some spares. Nah, don't. Would have thought you would.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  Look, it is time. We thought we'd dip back in because so many come in for extreme empaths. But before we get to this week's. Actually, walking along the other day, I had a moment where I was like, this is as close to as an extreme empath as I get. It's not, I don't believe.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 18:50Speaker 03

  This isn't me thinking an inanimate object is alive and has feelings, but it kind of is. I feel sorry for something. You know, it breaks my heart a little bit. I, I think I'm a small business extreme empath. You know how you want businesses to do well.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  What breaks my heart? Cause I think small business is the lifeblood of a community. You know, you want individual stores, you want individual cafes. So it's when you see any small business that has a yes, we're open sign and there's no evidence of construction around. When there's construction around, I understand the yes, we're open because people might think this building's been renovated. But when there's just a yes, we're open, just reminding you, as always, nine to five goods and services available here. We got them. We'd love to sell them to you. We actually need to sell them to you. So please, please give us your business. That does break my heart.

• 19:47Speaker 02

  That counts as an extreme empath for sure. And we should jump straight into it. For people who don't know this segment, welcome to the pod, of course. But we just, a spot for people that have extreme feelings for inanimate objects, for them to voice it so they know they've got a community. Our opener is every song ever invented or played at once. So no song feels left out.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  Gorgeous. Um, do you want to go, Andy?

• 20:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure. Andy wrote this in. Gusto to you, extreme empath, he says.

• 20:19Speaker 02

  I have a cheap Chinese brand robot vacuum. And I recently changed its language to Mandarin as I felt bad with all the English it had to use in the house coming straight from China. Since changing it to Mandarin, I've noticed it a lot more chatty and I think it's happier too.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  True, nothing worse than landing on your first day and you can't speak. But we can speak language, just to think he has the setting. Um, this is, uh, this is from Ollie in the UK. Gusto to you, boys. Never thought of myself as an extreme empath until today. Whilst feeding branches of a felled tree to my trusty wood chipper. Felt bad that it was just eating mouthful after mouthful of the same tasting branches. So I went and got it some branches from another tree to give it a more balanced diet.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Another worker here, this is Harry. I'm a bricklayer. And every year or so, the trowel you use needs to be replaced because it wears down kind of half its size. You tend to grow attached to your trowel because it really becomes part of you, I'd imagine. You've laid a lot of bricks with that trowel. When I buy a new trowel, I buy it a couple of months early so it can watch the old one and learn what to do. I do this so the old one knows it's nearly coming to an end. It eases the retirement process for the old trowel.

• 21:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  I never throw out an old trowel. I sometimes use the old one to show it that I still love it and the good times we had.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  And the current trowel would know its time is coming, as all things must. When it sees the new trowel turn up and Smoko and watching it, like just watching it do its job. Because it would remember, oh, I was once the watcher. And I remember an old trowel I used to watch and then it became my job. And so now my watch is almost ended.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:16Speaker 03

  I get it. That's beautiful.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Comes in from Chloe. This is, it's egg related. The other day, she says, I had to boil four eggs. However, there were five in the carton. This worried me. So to ensure one wasn't left alone in the cool, dark carton. I boiled all five. They had a lovely time in the pot together, resembled a happy spa day.

• 22:42Speaker 03

  What happened afterwards broke me though. My mum ate four boiled eggs and placed the fifth in the fridge. He's been sitting in there for two days alone. I still feel awful. I'm just pleased that he spent his last day with his buddies in a happy place.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 22:57Speaker 03

  That's nice, but.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  You don't, don't imagine this spa being a hundred, hundred degrees.

• 23:04Speaker 03

  This is the bit that confuses me. Like we give all these things feeling, but then when, especially when it's food, it is killed. So did the spa kill it? Cause she's saying he's spent his last day with his buddies. So did the boiling water kill him or is he gonna die when he gets eaten?

• 23:22Speaker 02

  No, I think.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  So he's last happy day?

• 23:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, he last happy day.

• 23:25Speaker 03

  He had his last, so he's still alive in the fridge. Yeah. But he's got the great memory of the spa day. Until he gets eaten.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  I think that's the logic.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  Okay, that's the logic.

• 23:34Speaker 02

  Uh, but we've got time for one more.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  This is Mick.

• 23:38Speaker 02

  I have an extreme empath story about my partner, Maddie. Maddie and her best friend were out and op shopping on a trip to Brisbane. When Maddie came across a nice old picture frame with a picture of someone's dog inside it. The somewhat poor quality photo made it very clear it wasn't a generic frame filler photo, but the photo of someone's pet. Feeling sad that this photo had been discarded, she opened the back of the frame, took the photo, leaving the frame behind. We now have the photo of someone else's dog in our house.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  So just so that that dog's memory lives on.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  I don't know. I don't know, but I think she's like, it felt like it was discarded and that, that felt bad to the dog.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  So now they look at.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Oh, I won't let the world forget you.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Also, side note.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  Who are you?

• 24:33Speaker 02

  Carlos, can we get, let's get the photo of the dog.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  If we, if we can post that, if we can, if we, if we find the backstory of that dog somehow, I mean, miraculous, but it's worth.

• 24:46Speaker 03

  I think if you're gonna come forward as the dog, as knowing the dog, you have to show us other photos of the dog.

• 24:51Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  You can't, because we have no way to test, because she doesn't know where the dog has come from.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Exactly. Yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  So you can't just be like, yeah, that was my dog. I mean, I don't know why you would. There's no prizes available. It'd be great if you, if we could reconnect the dog with family. Would it be great?

• 25:07Speaker 02

  I don't know. We'll find out.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  I mean, I'm not a hundred percent sold investing too many out, man, hours of this, but let's do it.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Would it be great?

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Hey, a remarkable thing has happened.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  What's happened?

• 25:25Speaker 02

  Well, you're famous for blowing things wide open.

• 25:27Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  Often we don't see the ricocheted effects of the case that you've blown open. But we assume perpetrators hear about it, change their ways. We don't always know what happens though.

• 25:41Speaker 03

  It's an, it's usually enough. It is usually enough when I blow a scandal wide open that people scurry. Like cockroaches when you turn the lights on. You might never see him again, but you know the message has been sent.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. And often it's a small scalp.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  But you did go after a big one when you aimed the truth eagle at Tennis Australia.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  Well, to be honest, to be fair to me and the eagle, um, I wasn't initially aiming it at Tennis Australia. I was, I guess I sort of just was like aiming the eagle everywhere.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  For people who don't remember, here's a recap.

• 26:18Speaker 03

  Do you guys remember playing bat tennis at primary school? Pickleball is huge. Like it's sweeping America, it's sweeping the world. It's a fun sport. But I go, hang on, I think we played this at primary school. And why did it die out? We had bat tennis. It essentially was pickleball.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  Pickleball is now a global phenomenon. It's a billion dollar plus industry in the States. We had this. We were on, like, I feel like in the eighties, in the eighties, primary schools had a chance to own this global industry.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  We fumbled it.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  True. I've never like been walking through a rebel sport and seen the bat tennis section.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  It died out as a sport, died out as a sport sometime be after 1992.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 27:05Speaker 03

  It just died. I got a very interesting note from someone who doesn't want to be named for obvious reasons. Cause they don't want to get big tennis offside.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 27:18Speaker 03

  Said hot shots tennis killed off bat tennis. They don't want anyone playing with small plastic bats. They want them straight on the big brackets. They saw the power that the bat had over kids and went, nah, this is killing them for their transition to strings. We want everyone working on strings early. Big tennis came and pushed out bat tennis.

• 27:38Speaker 02

  Idiot.

• 27:38Speaker 03

  And.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Do you think they bought up all the equipment?

• 27:41Speaker 03

  I wouldn't be surprised.

• 27:44Speaker 02

  The assertions went on to suggest that they were burning, like at the back of Melbourne Park, they were burning the bats, they were burning the planks.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  Burning the planks, anything that could be used as a plank. If you went into Bunnings and said, I'm doing my deck, you had to show your licence to prove that you're using all those planks of wood for your deck. Cause big tennis had got to Bunnings and they just say, just make sure people aren't buying any planks of wood for nets.

• 28:08Speaker 02

  Well, as I think was stated when we talked about this, is I do have an association with big tennis. I work at the Australian Open.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  You're in their pocket. That's the way big anything works. Farmer, ag, whatever.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:20Speaker 03

  Got a lot of people in their pockets.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  And that's why you were very quiet during the blowing wide open and the allegations.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  In the recap, I just, I sit wide back and you and Jack do all the wowing and.

• 28:32Speaker 03

  And he unfortunately well on big tennis's books. Um, not deliberately, they don't pay you specifically to hush up bat tennis.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Cover up, yeah, the burning of.

• 28:42Speaker 03

  They, they pay you more for your great work at the Australian Open. But I think when you're being passed those brown paper bags of cash under the table during the open, the implication is there to go, hey, thanks for your work.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 28:56Speaker 03

  If you hear anything on the bat tennis front, pretend you don't know what the guy's talking about and just squash it. But you won't do that.

• 29:03Speaker 02

  That's true. And that's why I wasn't surprised when I did receive an email from Tennis Australia. Direct to me, they've also CC'd in my manager, which I thought was interesting. So would Tennis Australia usually talk to you or would you go through Channel Nine?

• 29:20Speaker 03

  Uh, through Channel Nine. Um, this is the first ever email I've received from Tennis Australia. So we've got their attention.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Boy, do you have their attention. We've got their attention. Said, hey, Andy and Hamish. So they switched it around because they are addressing it to me, but they do want you to hear this.

• 29:38Speaker 03

  Yep. They want my ears.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  We've heard you're investigating bat tennis. First of all, brave, full stop, important work, full stop. Someone had to ask the big questions, full stop. Where did the bats go? Question mark. Who took the wooden planks? Question mark.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  Don't ask like you don't know, guys.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Was big tennis involved? Question mark.

• 30:04Speaker 03

  This is, they're playing with a sandal. They know damn well where those planks are and they're not gonna tell us. In fact, just pour, to pause the email for a second. Again, as someone that was born in 1981 and lived in Melbourne. What year was the tennis centre erected in Melbourne? Cause it was built around the early nineties, I seem to remember. Probably Rod Laver Arena. Are they asking this to play with this? Cause they know damn well they collected up all the nets and laid and built them into Rod Laver. They're in the goddamn walls, man. They're the foundations. They know we're never gonna find them. Cause they buried them in the tennis centre.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Yes. Quite possibly, quite possibly, quite possibly. I'm gonna say probably, I'm just quite possibly.

• 30:50Speaker 03

  Quite, it's quite possible, it's probable.

• 30:54Speaker 02

  They go on. And were we really at the back of Tennis Australia, burning perfectly good bats in a barrel while whispering, they're on to us. Good news. We found the bats.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  If truth be told, we never actually lost them. Bats for kids, bats for pros, bats for people who claim big tennis buried the bats. We've got the bats.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  So this is confusing.

• 31:24Speaker 03

  You have my scuffed up hard plastic yellow bat from 1982.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  Yes, exactly. Do you have the good one? There was always one good bat.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I put pro tennis grip on mine, thinking it would give me the edge against Peter Tran in the quarterfinals. No chance, he was, he went on to win.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  And now, after conducting a thorough internal investigation of our own, well, you were forced to, if you're getting on the front foot, including several schoolyard memories, one low net and absolutely no suspicious smoke coming from the back car park of Tennis Australia, we can confirm. We're bringing back the bat for Hot Shots Tennis to schools.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  Or were you made to bring it back? By a very powerful podcast that gets results.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  So while we respect your investigation.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Always from its blow something wide open segment.

• 32:15Speaker 02

  This is the first time ever. We must formally reject the allegation that Tennis Australia is anti-bat. We are and always have been all about the bat.

• 32:26Speaker 05

  Then where have they been for 20 years?

• 32:27Speaker 02

  I don't think so. I mean.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  I guess the question here is, is this completely because of us? And do we deserve to take all the credit? Now, this is only a couple of weeks ago that we did this. You'd have to, it sounds like they're about to roll out a whole new bat system for schools. So you, there's a couple of things we have to weigh up here. You go, okay, well, is that something that would take years to organise and logistics to get it out? Obviously, things take time to get it all organised and official and getting it into school, it sounds like it's imminent.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  On one hand, yes, I could see that could take a long time to organise. On the other hand, if they were motivated, i.e. trying to cover up an enormous scandal, is that the kind of thing you could organise in a few weeks reactively?

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Oh, easily. Easily, yes.

• 33:13Speaker 03

  I think it is, I think it is. I think they've done it reactively and we can take all the credit. And I've thought about that carefully and objectively. And my decision is, we did this. And our podcast has done this. And we should draft up a press release and we should probably have the bat tennis trophy named after the show.

• 33:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, Carly, get on to that.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  I think, you know, as the patron saints, and it's all the people's work, so it has to be named after the show, it doesn't just need to be you and I.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  No.

• 33:42Speaker 03

  But I think the groundswell that we felt from the community is, yep, the reason why the trophy is colloquially known as the Golden Hamish and Anthony show.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Well done, mate.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  To you too, and to everyone listening too, another successful case. Take a bit of time off, I reckon.

• 34:05Speaker 02

  Guys, I want to talk about couples' tricks. Now, for those who are single out there or just starting a relationship, you'll find that with a long-term partner, you'll start trying to sneak things in, you know, to give yourself.

• 34:23Speaker 03

  Be more specific, because my mind is racing.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  A small trick that you give, to give yourself the advantage at home, it normally involves a little bit of gaslighting. I think I've got one. But it's, you know, it's very sporting. Like, when, if your partner picks up on what you've been doing, they don't generally get angry, they just go, okay, I've caught you on that one.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  And you call it, and yeah, it's, it's all in the fun of the game.

• 34:50Speaker 02

  You're trying to get the edge in a co-living environment, I suppose, is the way to put it. Good example, in the past, Bec still doesn't know, but she thinks taking out the bins takes 10 minutes. And it doesn't.

• 35:03Speaker 05

  But where do you go?

• 35:04Speaker 02

  I just, I'll sit and scrawl. I'll call someone, you know, like I just.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  It's normally when she might be packing up something, I go, I'll go to the bins.

• 35:17Speaker 03

  My family does know that the toilet doesn't take 45 minutes, yet I'm still trying to push that agenda.

• 35:25Speaker 02

  Anyway, I caught Bec out.

• 35:28Speaker 03

  Great.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  On a trick. I think I might have mentioned to you this before, like when I get dressed, now everything in my wardrobe has been purchased by her, so I can't have put on the wrong, it feels to me like I can't have put on the wrong shirt because she's.

• 35:42Speaker 05

  She's a stylist.

• 35:42Speaker 02

  Yep. She had bought it for me, but I'll go out and she'll go, oh, you're wearing that with that. And then she's not very specific as to what she wants me to change, like a game of Wordle. I'll then go in, change one item for the other.

• 35:56Speaker 05

  Yellow top, grey pants.

• 35:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. And then come back and present again, she goes, mm, nah. And I then go back and try to play the game and think, was it the hat? Was the hat yellow? I can't.

• 36:09Speaker 03

  I often get, I try, because I can't be bothered going in the room. When I get that feedback from, so I'll often push back and go, it's not good for my ego, I've learnt, but early days I'd push back and I'd go, well, Bruno, I saw Bruno Mars wearing something like this. And she'll go, mate, you're not Bruno Mars. And pretty much you can insert any person in the world in that sentence of like, mate, you're not X. And they all outrank me in her eyes. Like, there's no one, I've not named any celebrity ever where she's like, oh, well, you're cooler than him. You could name absolutely anyone. And it's like, not even known for their fashion. You could just go, oh, well, you know, Janik Sinna, he wears this. Like, you're not Sinna.

• 36:52Speaker 03

  Like, it just doesn't matter who I name, I'm not that person. So I'm just resigned to wearing navy pants and a white t-shirt.

• 36:59Speaker 02

  Well, after getting sent back so many times, like, say, the last 20 outings, sent back six times per outing, I'm like, this is not adding up. So I put the same outfit on that I had in the original no.

• 37:14Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  And went back out and she goes, and she was just finishing up her outfit, and she goes, that's, yeah, that's great, you've got it. I went, huh.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  Brilliant.

• 37:24Speaker 02

  You've been sending me back.

• 37:26Speaker 03

  Stalling.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  To buy you more time. And she went, oh, yes, yeah, you've got me. And I said, you've had this for years. And she said, yeah. And now it's over. I'm like, it is, it's over. Now I don't trust her when she sends me back, but I've finally picked up on her's couples' trick and it's wiped.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  What's yours, Jack? You know, you're like, I think I've got one?

• 37:50Speaker 05

  Well, I think Bianca and I are both doing one at home, which is, especially now, like with a, with a four-year-old, there's stuff on the floor all the time. I think when you go to like pack stuff up around the house, you sigh more as an indication to the other person that it's like, you're really tired. I've noticed her doing it as well, so it'd be like.

• 38:14Speaker 05

  And that makes it feel like, well, the weight of the world of the domestic duties has been on this guy's shoulders all day.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  Another trip to the floor for me.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  But she knows you don't have a job, she just sees you around now.

• 38:28Speaker 05

  I see her sighing as well, so I go, oh, she's trying.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  She's trying my trip to the floor. Two people crawling towards a fake lawn mower in the hallway.

• 38:38Speaker 02

  At risk of getting caught, so I'm missing the excitement of the couples' tricks now. I wasn't going to give this one away, but, because it's been so good to me for three or four years now, but I'm high on, and we can't put this one on social media, because Bec doesn't listen to the show.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Keep it safe, just keep it audio only.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  Bec likes buying nice hand soaps for, they're so expensive. And it always comes with a hand balm, like for, for like the basins area.

• 39:04Speaker 03

  Even though it should be 50/50, I always do the moisturiser first. I can never pick it, because I can't be bothered reading it.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  And that's the only time it ever runs out, is because of people accidentally using it, because no one needs the hand balm.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  Every time I wash my hands in the bathroom, the good bathroom, where we have the soap and the moisturiser, which is the bathroom the guests use, I always, always wash my hands with a mixture of soap and moisturiser. Because I go, the soap will still do its job in there, it's just wearing a moisturiser hat while it goes about its work.

• 39:34Speaker 02

  Yes, so Bec, not just for the, the en suite that people go to, the powder that people go to in the apartment, she wants it for every single bathroom, like nice soaps. So annoying.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  So at the new house, that's going to be over 150 soaps.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  So what I have been doing is I've been buying the refills from Coles. And I go around and I've been topping them up for years. And she doesn't know.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  That you've never, we bought this Aesop lavender and vanilla hand wash 12 years ago.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  It's still going.

• 40:11Speaker 03

  What an economical pump it has.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  Must be such a small amount comes out. It's never clicked.

• 40:16Speaker 03

  It's thrilling.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  She's never clicked. I love it.

• 40:19Speaker 03

  It's kind of brilliant.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  Yes, so I've, I think I've colour matched as close as you can get to the, you're right, the Aesop stuff. And they sometimes have a little speck in them, like an exfoliator or something, so.

• 40:35Speaker 03

  Another glass of Verve, darling.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  To be honest, it does taste like Apple Tizer.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  No, it's Verve, it was coming out of the bottle.

• 40:44Speaker 03

  You are my princess, so a bottle a night is what I shall serve you.

• 40:47Speaker 02

  I wonder whether that will come back to Bobby, but it's thrilling to talk about.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Well done.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  And I saw a sign in a workplace the other day.

• 41:03Speaker 02

  What were you doing in a workplace?

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Well, you're understanding the second. It's been a huge mistake and I was fleeing. I was a, I guess I was a customer at someone's workplace.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:14Speaker 03

  But I saw a sign and I thought, I immediately thought of you and I. And I thought, if we worked here, there's no way we'd obey that sign. Now, the workplace I was in.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  If it was Jack, it was don't take money from the register.

• 41:29Speaker 03

  Please remember that all the money in the register is actually the company's property. Despite, even if you, using some quite warped Robin Hood logic, decide that it should be yours and therefore is yours.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  Allegedly.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Allegedly. And of course, we mean popcorn, by which we mean cash money.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  This sign was, it was, I actually felt a bit disheartened when I saw this because I was like, oh man, it just seems like there's no fun left in the world.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  The workplace I was in was the airport. This was, and I suppose, who would be the worker here? Not an airport worker. I think, I think the worker that would be using this machine is, would be like, um, like air hosties, like staff.

• 42:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  Like flight attendants. I think they do this. So you know, the corridor that connects the terminal to the plane, the air bridge?

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, the air bridge, yeah.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  So, you know, you check in, I was just flying domestically, but you know, you walk down the air bridge and you get to the plane. And there's the, the last bit of the air bridge is the squeezy accordion bit. Like latches onto the plane if it's raining or whatever.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 42:46Speaker 03

  Now, we all know that like, as the plane comes in when it lands, someone's got to connect the air bridge. They have to dock the air bridge. Like that moves that air bridge a little bit.

• 42:55Speaker 02

  And there's a little joystick.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  There's a joystick, which I always look at a joystick and go, I haven't gone there. That looks so fun, the joystick. And that would be the funnest part of your day, getting to drive the air bridge.

• 43:06Speaker 02

  Pretending you're out of space and docking like a satellite.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  Look at this, we're in the space station. And you'd probably have games where you get it bang on.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 43:15Speaker 03

  And like, you know, you probably have, there's probably lingo between them where you go, I got a perfect sucker.

• 43:23Speaker 03

  It would probably, I would assume be the highlight, if you, one of the highlights of working in that position with your day. Big sign under it going, please always use auto docking feature. And I was like, mate, can there be no fun in the workplace anymore? So you've got the option to have a real life space simulation or, you know, very advanced skill tester. And there's a button that does it through computers.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:49Speaker 03

  And you're not like, now, definitely that sign came about because I reckon they verbally said, remember to use the auto docking feature. There was like, Warren, who was never doing it and was maybe missing the air, maybe he was bad at it. And he was missing the door all the time. You're like, mate.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  Put a dent in a couple of planes coming in.

• 44:09Speaker 03

  You docked it onto the pilot's window. The door. And they're like, oh yeah, sorry, I forgot about the auto docking feature. So someone's ruined the party for everyone.

• 44:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:16Speaker 03

  But now they have the sign and you're not even allowed to do what's probably the funnest part of driving the air bridge out to the plane.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  If you are a person out there that does get to drive the air bridge.

• 44:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, do you always use that?

• 44:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, drop us a note. Are you always using the auto feature?

• 44:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, if the supervisor's on, we use the auto dock. But sometimes we manual dock because you've got to keep fun alive in this day and age.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.