Episode 586: Raising Resilient Kids in the Age of Smartphones and Overprotective Parenting

Are we protecting our kids so much that we're making them less resilient? As parents, the instinct to protect is strong. We don't want our kids to fail, struggle, feel rejected, sit on the bench, get bored, or deal with disappointment. But resilience is built through those exact experiences. When we constantly step in, fix the problem, remove the obstacle, or make sure everything feels fair, kids lose opportunities to develop competence, independence, and the confidence that comes from figuring things out for themselves. Technology has made that even harder. Smartphones and iPads can fill every quiet moment, replace boredom, reduce face-to-face interaction, and give kids fewer chances to practice social skills, deal with rejection, or simply entertain themselves. Add overscheduling and constant parental involvement, and suddenly there are fewer opportunities for kids to fail, recover, solve problems, and learn how to function without someone managing every step. Sports, chores, responsibilities, and real-world challenges give kids something they desperately need: evidence that they can handle difficult things. Losing teaches them how to recover. Being benched teaches patience and perspective. Working with difficult teammates teaches conflict resolution. Practicing something they are bad at teaches them that improvement comes from effort. Confidence grows when kids experience frustration and discover they can move through it. In this episode of Habits & Hustle, I talk about why we need to stop removing every obstacle from our kids' lives, how smartphones are affecting independence and social development, why boredom and failure are essential, the value of sports and responsibility, and how parents can create a secure home base without solving every problem for their children. Listen to the full episode: The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World with Jen Cohen | Mind Pump 2575 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QfDmtPMBBw What's Discussed: (01:24) Why mental resilience needs to be built in childhood. (04:00) How removing every challenge can make kids less resilient. (05:34) Why boredom is essential for creativity and independence. (06:25) Why parents need to stop worrying about being liked by their kids. (08:13) How letting kids struggle teaches them to tolerate frustration and failure. (11:19) How smartphones changed childhood play, independence, and social development. (20:25) Why fitness teaches kids discipline, accountability, and delayed gratification. (26:15) Why sports and play help kids develop critical social skills. (27:51) Why praising effort matters more than constantly telling kids they are amazing. (30:24) How sports prepare kids for losing, teamwork, conflict, and real-world challenges. (36:06) Why stepping back can help kids learn to solve problems on their own. (45:00) Why kids should wait until 16 for full smartphone access. Thank You to Our Sponsors! Magic Mind: Head over to magicmind.com/jen http://www.magicmind.com/jen and use code JEN at checkout. Momentous: Ready to try supplements that actually do what they claim? Head to livemomentous.com http://livemomentous.com and use code JEN for 35% off your first subscription. Therasage: Visit therasage.com http://therasage.com and use code JEN to get 15% off your order. Your skin Prolon: Prolon is offering listeners 30% off sitewide plus a $40 bonus gift when you subscribe to their 5-Day Program! Just visit prolonlife.com/JENNIFERCOHEN https://prolonlife.com/JENNIFERCOHEN and use code JENNIFERCOHEN to claim your discount and your bonus gift. Kion: Visit getkion.com/habits http://getkion.com/habits for 20% off. Tru Niagen®: For supplements that are rigorously tested, third-party verified, and actually deliver what's on the label, head to truniagen.com http://truniagen.com Find more from Jen Cohen: Website: jennifercohen.com https://jennifercohen.com Instagram: @therealjencohen http://instagram.com/therealjencohen Books: jennifercohen.com/books https://jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagements https://jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagements

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Welcome to Habits and Hustle, where we talk about the habits, strategies, and mindset shifts that actually make a difference in your health, happiness, and success. And in this episode, I'm sharing a segment from my recent conversation on the Mind Pump Podcast. We're talking about what it actually takes to raise mentally strong kids, including overprotective parenting, boredom, failure, smartphones, sports, independence, and why competence comes from giving kids the chance to struggle, problem solve, and build evidence that they can handle hard things. Before diving in, if you're listening right now and you've gotten something out of this show, do me a favor. Hit subscribe if you haven't already and leave a review on your

• 0:49Speaker 01

  own. I would love to hear what you think and if there's anything we can be adding to the show to even make it better for you, because I read every single review. Now let's dive in.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  I'm not a psychologist. I'm a parent. So I think anybody who is a parent, then that makes them an expert, right? Because they're dealing with parenting day in, day out. And, you know, I really thought it was an important topic, which is, I wanted to, it was called The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World. And the reason why I did it was I have two small kids, 10, and one's going to be 10 next week, another one's 12. You guys all have kids as well. And what I've been noticing as, you know, throughout the years is, over time, kids are becoming more and more fragile, more and more frail. And it's really, the onus is on the parent. And I think this whole culture, a culture

• 1:49Speaker 01

  of gentle parenting, has really made our kids weaker. And so I wanted to have a platform, or create some type of platform, where we can kind of come together, unite, and create mental resilience in our little, in the younger generation. And so, to me also, if you want to be a mentally strong person, why not start when you are a child? Like, these are habits and tools that are important throughout your life. So why would you're like, what, 21, 25, then you start to learn how to be mentally resilient? Start when you're a kid. And get

• 2:31Speaker 01

  the foundation, prime your brain, prime yourself for failure, for resilience, because life's not easy. Life isn't easy. And if we coddle our children, which is what a lot of people are doing now, in this, in this time, it's actually, you're doing a disservice, in a real way. Gentle parenting, in my opinion, is snowplowing all difficulty away from your children. And snowplowing challenges. We've created a culture of coddle culture versus challenge culture. And challenge is what makes you stronger and makes you more resilient. So let's start with that. I would also say, part of this stuff is helicopter parenting,

• 3:16Speaker 01

  participation trophies, creating a space where safe space, there's safe spaces and triggers. All of this lingo and language, in my opinion, is creating a soft child, which then creates a soft teenager, a soft adult, which, by the way, I will tell you, some of this, some of this is causing suicidal rates to increase, anxiety is through the roof, depression is through the roof. When you don't feel competent and capable of like, taking care of yourself and having any form of self-efficacy, what happens to you as a

• 3:55Speaker 01

  human being is, is beyond detrimental, right? And we've seen it. I mean, the reason why, like, the reason why, we are, we all, we were all raised in a very different time, where independence was very much a thing. We took, we took risk. We were kind of like, thrown into independence, because our parents weren't watching our every single move. And another big one is boredom. We've eliminated boredom from our children's lives, where we are over scheduling everything, because we're so nervous of our kids missing out on anything.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  When the reality is, boredom is where creativity lives. It's where kids think for themselves and figure shit out. And if we're, if we're eliminating all of these things, what is our child left to do? They're not thinking for themselves, they're not acting on their own. Their parents are getting them out of every, you know, uncomfortable, challenging situation. And we're left with like, basically, a blob of a human being. That's what we're left with. Because over time, we've evolved to a place where parents rather be your, be their child's friend than being their parent. They're so scared of being disliked by their child, that they're just like, not parenting anymore. They're not disciplining anymore.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  They're not, they're so, they're so scared of that particular thing. When the reality is, our job as a parent isn't to be liked all the time, isn't to make our kids happy all the time. It's actually the opposite. Our job as a parent is to make our kid resilient, make them competent, make them capable. We are not, we are taking away everything from our kids. Chores are no longer even in most homes anymore. Like, when I was a kid, there was no chance that I was not going to be forced to make my bed, put my dishes away. And when I was 12 years old, I had a job. I was working at the Olive Garden by 12. In today's time, kids aren't even babysitting anymore. They've like, there's no more babysitting.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  And so, we are so uncomfortable as a parent, or as an adult, watching our kids struggle, right? We're so, we're so uncomfortable from the struggle, that we'll just do it for them. And so, our kids don't know what to do when they feel frustrated. So they get super anxious, and then in that anxiety spirals, versus, understanding and teaching your child, that you know what, like, this is a normal feeling. You know, it's, it's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to feel like, I don't know how to do it. But that's part of getting from not knowing to knowing, is that process in the middle, right? Like, any good athlete, there's

• 6:45Speaker 01

  a lot of practice, a lot of hours of practice that go in from being like, bad at something to being really good. And it's us, as a parent, explaining and executing on that message, saying, you know what, me doing your homework, or doing your science project, isn't going to make you better, isn't going to make you feel confident, it's not going to raise your self-esteem, it's not going to do any of those things. All it does is make me, as a parent, compete with the other parent for the gold star of the science project. And what does that do for you? Absolutely nothing. I think people growing up in the, in the 70s, I'd say 80s, there's a massive shift after, after having your birthday in 1993, I believe

• 7:28Speaker 01

  it was, or 1995. I think, a couple things. I think that, in 2010, actually was a big one, when smartphones became a big thing, that's, that's the first thing. Because instead of going outside to play, and ride your bike, and do all sorts of adventures, and climbing trees, we've all, the kids have now migrated to being inside, on an iPad, playing video games, alone. So, the, the whole act of socialization just dissipated, from 2010 on. And when that dissipated, anxiety, depression, suicide, all skyrocketed. That's one thing. The other thing that happened, was if I would be, if I were to be honest with you, I think

• 8:12Speaker 01

  it's the woke culture. I think the woke culture has crushed mental resilience in kids. Period. Full stop. Because that's when all of this gentle parenting, the helicopter parenting, the participation trophy, safe spaces, all crept up into, into society, where that became the new norm. And if you're somebody who is on that side of the fence, that's what you do. Do you know by the age of eight, children would now spend a year of their lives on a smartphone? By the age of eight, that's one year completely eliminated from their life, by just the amount of time they spend on their phone, is the inability to

• 8:57Speaker 01

  know how to socialize, has been detrimental. Do you know, another crazy stat is 26% of Gen Z are taking their parents to an interview. But by the way, this is the part that's even more embarrassing, that it's, it's actually been like, considered okay. Nobody, there's nobody is like, actually, kind of like, pushing back on that. But people don't want to hire people from, from Gen Z anymore. They're like, if they see that person coming, or if it's on their resume, they just won't hire them. Or, or from the woke, from people who are woke, because it's just too much liability with it.

• 9:39Speaker 01

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• 10:20Speaker 01

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• 11:01Speaker 01

  The fitness element is crucial because what fitness does and was done for me and I'm sure it's done for you is it taught me accountability, it taught me discipline, it taught me delayed gratification. These are core life skills that are transferable in every walk of life. And if your kid is doing that at a young age, then they're taking those with them. Anyone who's not putting their kids in team sports before, between the ages of let's say, three to 10 is doing a major disservice to your kid because that's where you learn all these team buildings. In life, there are winners, there are losers, there are people who are average,

• 11:42Speaker 01

  there are people who are better than average. And guess what? You may not have great talent, but if you work your ass off, you can move yourself from a three to a seven, right? That's where you learn these things, right? If you don't have, instead, and this is where parents really are screwing up their kids because they want to tell their kids, "Oh, you're amazing, you're the best, you're the best." Worst thing you can do by telling your kid how great they are, worst thing you can do.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  No, praise their work.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Praise their work and their effort. Don't praise, don't tell them how great they are. Or see, look, I say that to my daughter all the time. And like, "Look, look, you worked, you put so much effort into that, you worked so hard on that, and now look at the results of this." Versus like, you know, basically praising that effort versus just like, "Oh, you're so wonderful, anything you do is great," or that the coach doesn't like you, screw him, let's go to another team. Because that's what's happening. Parents are pulling their kids off of teams of sports because their kids are not getting enough playtime, the coaches are benching them, which is what, which is happening all the time. And so basically, the parents are moving them to different teams. And where the coaches now are like, it becomes this whole thing where coaches

• 12:53Speaker 01

  are so scared and fearful of losing these players, losing the money, where now like, everybody's going to have equal amount of time to play. We should create a Lord of the Flies scenario with our kids and the survival of the fitness, right? Like, I don't jump in. Like, I want my kid to, I want to see how they fend for themselves without me getting involved. That's socially, that's with a lot of stuff. Like, there's been a ton of situations recently with, with my daughter, right? Because girls can be horrid. Okay, girls are worse than boys. Like, and it starts young, right? With like, social and all these other emotional, social.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  You guys are socially, you guys are born more socially intelligent, that's why. You understand social complexity. So, girls do the whole like...

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Well, girls are catty at any age.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  Well, they build their alliances.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  They build their alliances, like Lord of the Flies. I'm telling you, it's very much like Lord of the Flies. And it's so easy for, especially because like, you don't want to see your kid hurting. It's like horrible, right? To not jump in, right? But like, the second you jump in, you're, you're, you're taking that game and you're like, the game is over, right? You need to see how your kid can actually fend for themselves in that environment. With girls especially, it is, it's a doggy dog world out there for these girls. Let's see, like, let's see how, how you survive or how you fend for yourself. So, I like to just sit back and watch. Now, as much as it kills me because I want to like, tear the head off of these, some

• 14:25Speaker 01

  of these 10-year-old girls, I swear I would if I, if I wasn't going to be put in jail. But at the same time, like, that's how they build grit. Like, that's how they build toughness. That's how you really build toughness, when you really step away as a parent and say, "You know what? You're doing this on your own. You're going to take care of that fight by yourself. You're going to go, if you, if you, if you, if you want to go on that dance group, if you want to be on that soccer team, you know, like, you got to practice or you're going to be booted out." Like, put them in places where it's hard. Make them do shit that they don't want to do, put them on teams they don't want to be on, and see how they fend for themselves.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  But that's social integration piece to what you're describing. If, if there's conflict amongst the peers and the groups, they have to learn how to interact with each other and resolve it themselves.

• 15:08Speaker 02

  And they will, if you stay out of the way.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  Absolutely will.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  And this is what I've learned from, from my observation in as, and, and meeting a bazillion people I know, and I'm sure you guys too have maybe found the same thing. The people that had the most challenges as kids were the best adults. They were the coolest, they were the most resourceful, they were the strongest, they were the most like, able, like, willing and abled for people who had true success in life.