Episode 534: The Real Reason Why Most People Don't Change

Most people say they want change, but their behavior tells a different story. Over time, repetition hardens into identity, and once something feels like who you are, the brain works to preserve it. We dive deeper into this in the latest Habits & Hustle episode. We also chat about why comfort is more addictive than failure, how social circles punish growth, and why waiting to feel ready keeps you stuck in the same loop. If you're serious about high performance and behavioral change, this episode forces you to look at the patterns you keep protecting. What's Discussed: (06:19) Why change threatens identity more than failure (08:58) Comfort is more addictive than failure (09:12) How social circles quietly punish growth (11:27) Positive peer pressure and surrounding yourself with doers (18:51) How complacency turns into resentment (22:04) When comfort kills resourcefulness and ambition (23:03) Why the story in your head feels worse than reality Thank you to our sponsors: Rho Nutrition: Try Rho Nutrition today and experience the difference of Liposomal Technology. Use code JEN20 for 20% OFF everything at https://rhonutrition.com/discount/jen20. Prolon: Get 30% off sitewide plus a $40 bonus gift when you subscribe to their 5-Day Program! Just visit https://prolonlife.com/JENNIFERCOHEN and use code JENNIFERCOHEN to claim your discount and your bonus gift. Therasage: Head over to therasage.com and use code Be Bold for 15% off Air Doctor: Go to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code HUSTLE40 for up to $300 off and a 3-year warranty on air purifiers. Magic Mind: Head over to www.magicmind.com/jen and use code Jen at checkout. Momentous: Shop this link and use code Jen for 20% off Manna Vitality: Visit mannavitality.com and use code JENNIFER20 for 20% off your order Amp fit is the perfect balance of tech and training, designed for people who do it all and still want to feel strong doing it. Check it out at joinamp.com/jen Find more from Jen: Website: https://jennifercohen.com Instagram: @therealjencohen http://instagram.com/therealjencohen Books: https://jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: https://jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagement

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Hi guys, this is Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it.

• 0:08Jen Cohen?

  Welcome to another solo episode of Habits and Hustle, and I am joined by the one and only Shawnee Suisab, who is like a sister to me. And for those of you who don't remember or weren't listening to me at the time, Shawnee used to do a lot of solos with me until she got to be really famous and successful. And she would be the best foil. She would sit there and like gab with me and it was so fun. And like I said, now she's too cool for school, but I was able to snag her a few more times. So I appreciate you being here. Thank you Shawnee.

• 0:44Speaker 02

  Thank you. Too cool for school is true. Famous.

• 0:49Speaker 02

  That's not, get carried away.

• 0:53Jen Cohen?

  She has a sparkling personality and very funny. Okay, so today's topic is the real reason why most people don't change. That's the topic we're talking about today. And guess what?

• 1:07Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:08Jen Cohen?

  It's not laziness.

• 1:10Speaker 02

  What is the real reason?

• 1:12Jen Cohen?

  Well, I want you to tell me what you think the reason is.

• 1:15Speaker 02

  But I, I do think people change.

• 1:18Jen Cohen?

  Okay, well then, this is why you're my foil. Okay, so the first reason why people don't change is that change threatens your identity. That's what I believe to be the case. And I shouldn't just say it's what my belief is. It's what a lot of the research has shown.

• 1:38Speaker 02

  That makes a lot of sense. I think people get, I think that's why people also move or they feel a sense of freedom when they do move to a new city. Because they, they aren't linked to necessarily the same identity that they were so tied to.

• 1:50Jen Cohen?

  I think that staying stuck feels safer than, than changing because that's unfamiliar. And I think unfamiliarity is really scary for people. So they'd rather just stay where they are because that feels safer. So it's kind of like the devil you know versus the devil you don't know. I really don't even think that people are so much afraid of failure is that they're just afraid of outgrowing their old self sometimes because of what that represents.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  I guess. I feel like people change a lot though. Like think about some of your oldest friends. Are they still the same?

• 2:27Jen Cohen?

  A lot of people are the same, actually.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Really?

• 2:29Jen Cohen?

  Yes. I think that a lot of people that I've meet, and I think you're, I think that what happens is people stay in comfortable situations because it's comfortable, not because they're happy. People, I don't, how many people do you know, truthfully, who are happy versus being baseline content, like not even content, being okay?

• 2:55Speaker 02

  I think I know a lot of happy people. Whether they're happy more than they're sad is a different story. But I have a question for you. So are you saying people don't change in the sense that their personalities and who they are doesn't change? Or that they don't change their circumstances?

• 3:10Jen Cohen?

  I think circumstances, circumstances. People don't change their circumstances.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  I actually agree with that more. I feel, what I'm, what I was saying is that I think just people, they change personalities a lot. Like, I think people really become, I don't know, it just depends who you're hanging out with at that time. Like, people really morph, and I've seen it so many times.

• 3:28Jen Cohen?

  This is what I believe. Let me just finish the whole thought, and then we can talk about it. How about that?

• 3:32Speaker 02

  Okay. You're fine, you didn't ask.

• 3:33Jen Cohen?

  I think, I think the reason why people, most people don't change, there's, there's really four, maybe five reasons. The first is I think that change does threaten your identity. I think comfort is actually more addictive than failure. I think people wait for certainty that never comes. I think that's a big one. I think social circles punish your growth. So depending on who you socialize with,

• 3:59Speaker 02

  Huge.

• 3:59Jen Cohen?

  That will, that will determine a big piece if you're growing or not. And people confuse motivation for readiness. I think people are always waiting for motivation, which never comes, and they think that they're not ready because they're not motivated. So I think that those are the main reasons why people don't change. And then there's a lot of like sub-points underneath that. But that, to me, would be what I believe is. And I think the one, the, the big one that we talk about and we hear a lot in the ether is about motivation, right? Because I don't know anybody who's Ever done anything that was, you know, ready to go. Usually there's a lot of like ambivalence and apprehension all the time.

• 4:44Jen Cohen?

  But it's the people who don't rely on feeling ready that actually actually change things and do things. So that's my, that's, those are mine. I mean, I think I could be maybe leaving some out, but I, I think that overall, that's what I believe. What do you think?

• 5:01Speaker 02

  I hear that. I think I just come from a very traveler-y world. So I see people making big shifts a lot, but I also see people who stay very comfortable in really horrible situations a lot. And I, I don't know.

• 5:15Jen Cohen?

  I think also, I think that a lot of times, well, besides what I just said, I think really surrounding yourself with, with, with doers is really important. Surrounding yourself with doers, I think, can mitigate a lot of, a lot of your issues when it comes to change and comfort and being, you know, being stuck.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  And not yes, people. Like you don't want yes friends who are just going to tell you that everything is fine.

• 5:42Jen Cohen?

  Actually, what I was gonna say is that's, that's a different point. I think when you're around doers, it actually, it, it gives you the confidence and the, like, the, the motivation, if you want to call it, or whatever that word is, to do something too. Because if someone else is doing it in your social circle, then you feel like you should too. It's like, it's like positive peer pressure.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 6:03Jen Cohen?

  Right? It's positive peer pressure. So if you're around the right social group, you can get a lot of positive peer pressure because their positive actions and po, or just activity, it will inspire you to make the same, same, same kind of strides. Just like people who are in the wrong social groups can give you the negative peer pressure.

• 6:25Speaker 02

  Hundred percent. I think I've surrounded myself with really tremendous people. So I'm, I'm seeing a lot of people who like make some really great moves.

• 6:33Jen Cohen?

  So that's why, so that's interesting. So like because your perspective, well, you're also very positive, Polly, you know, like, which is always interesting when I have you on here. Cause I mean, what I always remember with you, we always had this like, very like, this banter that was kind of like combative, because if I say black, you'll say white. If I say go, you'll say stop.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  No, you just have a much more like.

• 6:58Jen Cohen?

  I have a much more black and white way of looking at things, but you are just very positive, Polly. Like, you'll always see, like, you'll like, always see the brightness, or the, not the positive, it's like, kind of like this naivete. You have like, a naive way of like,

• 7:14Speaker 02

  It's intentional.

• 7:15Jen Cohen?

  Seeing the world. It is intentional. So I don't know, is it this, is it really how you think, or you're, or is it like, how you've kind of, you're, if you say it's intentional, is because you've trained yourself to be naive, or want to be naive, or be ignorant?

• 7:29Speaker 02

  It's not naive at all. I just think in this world, your reality is your perception.

• 7:33Jen Cohen?

  Of course.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  Thing that matters. Nothing else actually exists.

• 7:39Jen Cohen?

  So true, that's true.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  Apart from your own perception.

• 7:40Jen Cohen?

  But you just said it, not me. You said that your naivety is intentional. I didn't say it.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  No, but you said naivety. I said, it's intentional. I didn't say my naivety is intentional. Just my perspective, the way that I am, the way that I think. It's intentional because it makes the world.

• 7:54Jen Cohen?

  Oh, I see. Okay, okay.

• 7:56Speaker 02

  All that matters is your reality. Like, nothing else actually exists, literally. So if you're having, let's say, a fight with somebody, or you're in a situation where your family's going crazy, and you're sat there, what, like, nothing, they could be going crazy. How you're feeling, and what you're doing, and what's happening, is completely up to you. And literally, nothing could be real.

• 8:14Jen Cohen?

  Very good, true. I like that.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  Or fake, depending on how you see it. Like, you just make your world.

• 8:18Jen Cohen?

  That's a great, I, I love that about you, actually. Like, I tease you about you being positive, Polly, but honestly, I love that about you, because you're right. Like, we have the ability and the capability to choose whatever our reality is and how we think. And so, if you're starting to think badly, or be more pessimistic, like, unfortunately how I am, then you, you basically.

• 8:43Jen Cohen?

  Are able to shift quickly into a more positive mindset, which is really great to do, by the way. And you do surround yourself with really great people. So that does, again, also like shift how your perspective is. So that's not that, by the way, and that's intent, that's intentional.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I'm not always, I've gotten better with that over the years. I mean, you know, because of my little positive Pauliness. But I also sometimes have blinders on with certain people.

• 9:14Jen Cohen?

  You do trust people that are sometimes not trustworthy.

• 9:17Speaker 02

  Right, and I've gotten a lot better over the years.

• 9:20Jen Cohen?

  Yes.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  And that has helped me.

• 9:21Jen Cohen?

  And you want to see the best in people.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 9:23Jen Cohen?

  Or you let people take advantage of you because you want to believe that they're good.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  Less so now, I think when I was younger, more so. But I, I just, I just would rather see the best in people. I'd rather myself get screwed over one in every 10 times and have like nine incredible interactions than be, you know, jaded the entire time and have all these crappy interactions.

• 9:45Jen Cohen?

  No, so I, I agree with that. In fact, actually, I think I was just having this conversation the other day because like I've been screwed over so many times in my life. It's like beyond, okay? You know it, I know it. And people are always like, oh, but you're so tough and you're so strong. How can that happen? It's because, you know, as pessimistic as I can be, I do want to believe the best in people. And I lead with how I can help someone all the time, even when it's not reciprocated. So, and so then I get burned because their intentions were bad. But then I always say what you say, which is I'd rather have not changed myself and just been authentic to who I am and been burned.

• 10:27Jen Cohen?

  Because I feel like also in the accumulative space of all this stuff, it will, it will all like work out to be beneficial in the down, in the, in the long run.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I think also as you have more of those experiences, you get better at knowing who's someone who's more trustworthy versus who's someone who's going to burn you. And obviously, we all make mistakes, but you just get better. You get better at picking people as you get older. As long as you're intentional about it. Like, I'm so intentional about who I have around me. I'm so intentional about how I spend my time, about what I think about, about what I keep in my mental space.

• 10:58Jen Cohen?

  Okay, so let's just stay on this topic of change, right? So of the five things that we talked about, or what I mentioned, what I believe are the reasons why people stay stuck or don't change, would you say, you nodded your head, yes, yes, the social group is super important, comfort, all the other things? Is there anything else that, is there ever been something that you wanted to change that you didn't because it was more, it was more, it was easier to stay where you were because of comfort?

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh, absolutely. I lived in my dad's house for seven years after college. That was like a horrible situation.

• 11:33Jen Cohen?

  That's not, that's a bad example.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Why? It's a really good example. I stayed there because it was super easy, super convenient, and I had to pay no rent. That's a perfect example. That's a perfect example.

• 11:43Jen Cohen?

  I know, but I-

• 11:44Speaker 02

  That was such a thing that I wanted to change for literally every day that I was there, but I chose not to.

• 11:50Jen Cohen?

  Were you also saving money?

• 11:53Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 11:53Jen Cohen?

  Okay.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  But that's, but that's, but that's, okay, but easier and cheaper are not always necessarily the best things for you. Like to invest a couple thousand dollars into rent, to have a better mentalscape, and to be able to have your space, and to be able to control your environment more, like that's actually really valuable. That's a super valuable thing to do, but I didn't want to invest it because, yeah, it is cheaper, but also, like, it's just easy, it was just easier. I didn't have to find a lease, I didn't have to deal with another landlord. What if I wanted to travel? I don't feel guilty that I'm gone for a couple months, you know? So I would say that's a perfect example. Anybody who moved back in with their parents can definitely relate with that. A lot of people did.

• 12:31Jen Cohen?

  That's 100% true.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  A lot of people did.

• 12:33Jen Cohen?

  I think that if you are somebody who is not, who is complacent and not changing because of anything, because you are more comfortable with comfort, I would maybe make an attempt to make some small moves to move, move forward. Because I think that sometimes we, we can't see the forest in front of our, you know, whatever, we can't see the forest with the trees. No, and I think a lot of times, like, that complacency ends up being resentment and, and also, like, a lot of times resentment and self, like, deprecation and unhappiness in a real way.

• 13:15Jen Cohen?

  So if you can make a change, and if it's, if I, if you, if anything what we said has, what I said has actually, like, hit a nerve, maybe it's time to maybe think about changing. Changing your social group, changing your circumstance, changing your relationship, because we want to keep on evolving and growing and moving forward. We don't want to stay stuck. Being stuck is not the answer to happiness overall. Wouldn't you agree?

• 13:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, I also think on another note of the social circle, like you want to be with people who allow you the space to grow and to become a better version of yourself. You don't want people who are going to keep you, even if they're good friends, even if you feel like they're this, that, or the other, like if you feel like they're not helping to what you're trying to get to.

• 13:59Jen Cohen?

  Even relationships, by the way.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, even absolutely relationships.

• 14:02Jen Cohen?

  A lot of times people stay in these relationships because they think that end up making the other person feel like that shrink the other person, right?

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Yes, that is the worst sensation.

• 14:12Jen Cohen?

  And you believe, you believe that, you believe the bad hype, so to speak, right? You think in order to make the other person happy, you've got to shrink yourself, you've got to be less than yourself, and you stay where you are. And so, and you convince yourself a lot of times that that's actually okay. It's not okay.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  I think objectively, this generation of women is doing that a lot less, which is also why we're seeing, you know, the single number is where they are.

• 14:42Jen Cohen?

  I know, which is a whole other podcast. I think we should talk about that next.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Also, I will just put a disclaimer. I am so appreciative that I had my dad's house that I could live at for seven years. Like, let's not be dramatic, like all of that.

• 14:54Jen Cohen?

  I also don't want to, like, you know.

• 14:55Speaker 02

  No, but I would have been much happier.

• 14:57Jen Cohen?

  You know what it is? What is the thing, you know, don't kick a, you know, in the mouth, a dead horse in the mouth, or what's that saying?

• 15:04Speaker 02

  That is not, okay, how are you going to use it?

• 15:06Jen Cohen?

  No, I'm going to tell you why.

• 15:06Speaker 02

  How are you going to use it?

• 15:07Jen Cohen?

  I will. Tell me what the saying is first.

• 15:09Speaker 02

  I don't know. Don't kick a horse. Don't.

• 15:10Jen Cohen?

  No, not kick a horse. What's that saying?

• 15:12Speaker 02

  Please don't kick any horses.

• 15:13Jen Cohen?

  A gift horse in the mouth. Don't kick a gift horse in the mouth. Because a lot of times, just because you're in a comfortable situation, doesn't make it bad. I think that there's like a.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's not the part that made it bad.

• 15:23Jen Cohen?

  I know. What it makes, the only thing that makes it bad, but also, if you're like a young person who's saving money and you have a better circumstance, God bless you, you should definitely take advantage of all the good possibilities and opportunities in your life. And so. When you're talking about you living in your father's home, there's a lot of good things that came from that as well.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  But I think I could have been like 10x more successful had I not lived there. I'm not even kidding.

• 15:47Jen Cohen?

  Why do you say that?

• 15:48Speaker 02

  Because I would have had the mental space to be able to do that.

• 15:50Jen Cohen?

  Or I think if anything, the only thing it would have done is give you a swift kick in the ass because then you didn't have these these things. Sometimes when you're too comfortable, it stops you from having the resourcefulness and like ambition and drive to do something.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  Yes, you definitely don't have the ambition and drive. But I also think like people need their own spaces to be able to create and do wonderful things. And I think that's really important. A lot of people would like, it's just easy. It's just some things that are just easier. The headache that you think in your mind is it's going to take is so large that you're just like, ah, forget about it. But then actually, when you follow through on that thing and you you do whatever it is you need to do to change that situation, you just think like, why didn't I do this before? Like when I finally got my own car, after the labor of like just thinking in my mind that it was going to be this whole heavy lift and insurance and da, da, da. And like, how was I even going to like handle that? And then I got it and I was like, wait, what? Like this took two days?

• 16:53Jen Cohen?

  But that happens all the time because the I what what we are so afraid of in our head is never as bad in real life. That's a really good, I'm going to add that as point number six to my my list of why we stay stuck and why we don't change. I think because sometimes we create a story around something being so hard and horrible and daunting in our brain that that is what's scary. But the reality is never as bad as we think. Like whatever you think, whatever we make up in our brain is never as bad as when the reality is most, most of the time. And I think that if we think most of the time, I'm not talking about a hell scare, God forbid.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Not all of the time.

• 17:36Jen Cohen?

  But what I'm saying is

• 17:37Speaker 02

  The simpler things that we think are so, yeah.

• 17:39Jen Cohen?

  We really, we really do like our brains can be our worst enemy. That's what I wanted to end it on. So don't let your brain be your worst. Worst enemy and don't let, don't let, don't let your brain create a story to yourself that keeps you stuck and complacent. Remember, things are never as hard or as difficult or as challenging and daunting as it actually is in reality. And when you prove to yourself or show yourself that when you go through it, that you can actually do it and go through it, that in itself builds so much self-worth and self-confidence that it's worth every second of it.

• 18:23Jen Cohen?

  So with that being said, see you soon, see you next time and

• 18:28Speaker 02

  Join her book club.

• 18:29Jen Cohen?

  And join my book club, exactly. If you haven't joined the book club, sign up. It's totally free. It's all self-improvement books that will help you become better and grow in all the ways. So see you then. Go to jennifercohen.com and goodbye.