Are You Pushing Your Kid or Managing Your Fear?

“If I don’t push my kid, they’ll waste their potential.” A lot of us believe this. But is it true? Dr. Becky and Myleik Teele decide.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 0:43Speaker 01

  A lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was. So a lot of the things that I did, I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation. I can have something bigger. I can have more. I can do more things.

• 1:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  And it doesn't have that.

• 1:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  A couple of years ago, one of my kids was playing a lot of baseball and started the season and came back and said to me, "A couple of kids in my team have gotten really good over the summer. I think I'm going to be moving down in the batting order."

• 1:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I panicked. If this was me at that age, what I would have said to my parents is something very different. "Oh, my goodness. I'm not good at baseball anymore. I need to practice. I need to go to the gym. I even need like a lesson or I need you to spend time with me." I would have been livid. And in this moment, so much flashed in front of me. It also made me think about academic moments, thinking my kid could do better, do more with their talents. And what is my role if they're not pushing themselves? Or maybe is my kid not pushing themselves because I have always pushed them and they kind of have lost that intrinsic motivation? What is my role around my kid's potential?

• 2:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My leak is here again, and we're going to have another episode of Is It True? And what we're going to unpack today is this idea. If I don't push my kid, my kid is going to waste their potential. Is it true? I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm so glad you're here.

• 2:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  All right, Miley, have you had that thought? If I don't push my kid?

• 2:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My kid is gonna waste their potential.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Absolutely. I have, I'm in the middle of a parent situation where my kid does very well in school. And every week, the work comes home and I'm watching one subject kind of just go down further. And I'm just, what is my role here? I feel like we've tried, I've tried everything. I've talked to him. I've, we need the highlighters. We need, you know, we're now at an age where you need to start reading the caption under the pictures, you know? And he does not seem to care. And I just wonder, how much do I push him?

• 3:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Will he get it at some point? And my situation was that I was always really good in school and no one pushed me. And so I wonder, what would have happened if someone did? And so I'm trying to find, like, what is the dance that I do? I was highly competitive. I wanted to beat everybody. So I'm always looking at, you know, how everyone else is doing. And I'm wanting to be at the top of, I want to be in first. I want all the stars. I want my name at the top of the chalkboard. And just having a kid who's like, I mean, it's fine. This is not a big deal. Like, I'll get it or not.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  And this, almost like, school is not a measure of who I am. I know who I am and they, this does, this work doesn't measure that for me.

• 4:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think that's, that's exactly right. So you had a report card moment.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Incident.

• 4:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So let's just zero in on that moment, whether it's perfectly representative of this topic or not. Let's just go there so we can really envision it.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  So the report card comes home and it's straight A's. And There's one part of me that's like very proud, very like, yeah, mom. And then, but there's the one, this one subject that I feel like I have been talking about. That is the lowest A. And I, Becky, I sat there like going back and forth like, can I be proud or should I have a problem because I have been talking about this? And now this is exactly what I said was going to happen. And this is, I mean, the next report card, there, it probably is not going to be an A.

• 4:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Hmm.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  And I mean, I sat there for a while until I hopped in the community and I'm like, someone talk me off the cliff. Because

• 5:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Why, will I always have an issue? Well, will, will this always be a problem for me of like, it doesn't matter what the grades are. In my mind, I want to believe I'm not that parent. In my mind, I want to believe that the report card comes home and I'm like, Gave, gave his greatest effort. This isn't, this isn't, this doesn't show who he is. I, in my mind, I'm an evolved parent.

• 5:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I love that. I love that parent. I don't know her, but she seems wonderful.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  The report card, the report card comes and nothing phases her. She's like, this doesn't define who he is. I know my child, but it, there was something in me that's like, we gotta push.

• 5:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  We gotta push. You can do better than this. I know you can't.

• 5:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Well, you know, let me go down a little bit of rabbit hole that you went past. I know he's doing his best, but is that actually where the pivot point is? And there's still everything it brings up in us and how we intervene. But true question. Were you sure he's doing his best or with that subject? Are you like, actually, no, like I, I just don't think he's putting effort. Which one is it?

• 6:12Speaker 01

  I know he's not.

• 6:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  He's not?

• 6:14Speaker 01

  I know. I felt like I know he isn't because I know how well he reads. It's just, it's a situation where he's kind of like, we've, ever since he started reading, he's like, this is how I think the story should go. And I'm like, they're not, this is, school is measuring, do you understand what's being written? Not what is your, what you think should be written. So I know he knows what is happening, but just, I feel like he's making the choice every time.

• 6:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  But that's not what I want to do.

• 6:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So if I just zoom out for a second, because I think effort here, when we think about our kid's potential, there's. Their natural abilities.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right, that they have and you see a kid have certain temperament or be interested in certain topics and interests and then there's effort, right? And I think, I think where a lot of us get triggered is when we see a kid with our kid, with what we deem to be high ability.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or at least they're capable.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  With low effort.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I don't know about for you, I think one of the reasons it triggers me is I think a lot, and I'm just gonna talk about it academically. I feel like you have to only be like yay smart in terms of your ability. To do well in life.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And what ends up mattering a lot more is your effort, is your willingness to take on challenges, is your openness to feedback. Early on for kids, what can really shine is just pure ability. Like you all see those kids, you're like, wow, you're reading at age three, you're naturally doing math and those kids get a lot of feedback and they can build their identity, I'm such a smart kid, they build their identity, oh, this kid's already reading in class. You know those things happen and they hear it and they hear it. And I know for me, one of the things that can trigger me in these situations around potential are, oh, like something's happened where you're starting to rely on your ability.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I know in life, those kids who are more pure effort, they're gonna, they're gonna pass you by and be like, when did that happen?

• 8:14Speaker 01

  They, they are going to eat your, they're gonna come for you. They're going to eat your lunch because you're just out here, la la la, I know I can do it. And the kid who's working harder, the kid who's maybe having to, who's getting lower grades but is pushing themselves and is trying hard and every week they're coming back to it and you're just like, yeah.

• 8:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  I'm fine.

• 8:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think this is particularly true and I know your son, kids who have kind of some early abilities, right? Every kid develops at different pace, but there are some kids like that. They are the kids I, it sounds like I quote worry about.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  Same.

• 8:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The kids who are later readers and are able to stick with it and, you know, I think about one of my kids who had all of these early speech issues, like major speech issues. Had to really work through things and I'm like that kid early in that child's body. The circuit of I'm not figuring this out. I have to work and try extra and push and push. That is going to set that child up in such a different way than like the kids whose first five, six years are kind of up and to the right.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Yes, that's I feel the same way. I have another kid who I feel has a special relationship with failure. Like who's just used to not getting it right the first, second or third time. And I just feel like what that builds in you when you're like, okay, I didn't get it right this time. I'm going to try another way. I'm going to try again. And I'm like, I can see her going down the line of like not maybe getting the job the first time, you know, she goes for an interview, doesn't get it.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  She's going to work harder.

• 9:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. What's she gonna do after?

• 9:49Speaker 01

  What will she do? Because she's used to hearing, no, that's not right. Or you didn't get it. And I just, I'm like, I do worry. I worry about the kid who doesn't have enough experience with that.

• 10:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I do think that's underneath this, what's my role around my kid's potential? So let's, let's kind of come back to that because the other thing I want to separate and maybe we can zoom in on the report card thing. Okay. So the report card moment comes, if we had buckets and one bucket is what part of my reaction is like about me? What is, what is my portion? Okay.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 10:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And we don't have to be ashamed of all of it. We're just bucketing it.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the other bucket is like, what is a true concern?

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 10:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  About something happening with my son. So let's start with you.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What part of the reaction do you kind of know? It's just, it's my own story. It's my own.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  My own story is honestly, I had to do so much on my own. And here it is, I'm setting you up. You're getting the best education. You've got access to everything. That's my stuff because of, you know, I'm feeling like I'm doing all of this for you and you don't care.

• 11:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But that, let's stay there because you're saying, is this right? I didn't have. An early family environment where I was maximizing the systems around me.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  I did not.

• 11:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Did you, do you feel like you had to create your own systems for success?

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Yes, I did. I did. And so I think when you say, okay, what's in the bucket of my stuff? It's like, here it is. You, you had this fabulous early education, you know, starting at like 11 months, like, give me a break. You know what I mean? Like, I, I, I set you up.

• 11:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Did you do the black and white cards when he was a baby?

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Oh, honey.

• 11:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, 11 months.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Come on. I'm, I'm tummy time, honey. I'm all the things.

• 11:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You were tummy time, black and white carding. Like, come on.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Come on. And then I, you know, I toured all of the schools. I got you into the, you know, they're speaking Spanish, you're all the things. And here we are.

• 11:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  And you're just like, maybe I, I don't. So that's my stuff. My stuff is like, I didn't have all of this and you have all of this.

• 12:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And, and, and I think there's also an intention there that matters. I'm giving this to you. And there is probably an assumption there. I don't think it's wrong. Like, I'm giving this to you because I think it's going to help you.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? Like, this is not like a favor. I think this is going to help you. This is going to help you have a type of early experience that I didn't have. And so it's going to look even better for you.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Than it did for me.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Completely.

• 12:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 12:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think we have that. I don't know why I'm associating. I have that when I take my kids on vacations.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I didn't get to go to a place like this. And so you're welcome and you're going to thank me. And you're gonna say, oh, I'm so lucky to be in this family. And I don't need ice cream because I'm at this vacation, mom. Like, you're, you know, and you're three. But you're going to say all those things.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 12:48Speaker 01

  That's my stuff. You know, that's my bucket of all of the things that I've done to set you up for, you know, for you to just rocket out of here.

• 12:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  And.

• 12:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yup. That's right.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And, and I think a little bit too, I've never thought about this to this moment. Is maybe we think when we make, and I think this is powerful, we can talk about this in other ways too. So many of us had to create our own system.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  In grit and effort.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then we, we do think, I'm going to give my kid a system. Which kind of does change their relationship with grit and effort.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because so much of the grit and effort was to create systems.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, so that's what's going on for you.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  In my bucket.

• 13:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay. And if we then go to your son.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But still, this is through your set of glasses and your mindset. Because this matters too. What do you think even from your wisest place now? What is legitimate? Like, what is a concern? What is a question you're carrying under the reaction to his low A? Which on the surface seems absurd. But if you give yourself the credit of, there really might be something I'm picking up on. I have a spidey sense about my kid that might be legitimate in terms of a concern about him. What's in that bucket?

• 13:58Speaker 01

  In that bucket, the concern is that he is not doing it, like, he's not asking questions. He's not reading the instructions. I feel like it doesn't matter what I say. He's just kind of going to rush through it because he doesn't like it. And so that's the, I'm like, you know, the things that he likes, I feel like he'll sit with and stick with. But because it's like, I just don't even like this, I'm just not gonna try. And that is my concern.

• 14:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And is there a bigger question there? Because I think there must be, like, is this the kind of kid where when he gets to something in life that he doesn't like?

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 14:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or is just something that requires some tedious effort?

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 14:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That he just kind of has a, not me. I don't need, I don't, I don't need to do that? Is there an entitlement fear?

• 14:54Speaker 01

  There's that too, of like, what will happen to me? You know, it's like, because of this life I've set up, what will happen if I just don't do, you know? If I don't do the things that I don't want to do?

• 15:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  I'll just be living with mom forever. And you know, that's where I'm going, like.

• 15:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  He's just.

• 15:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right. And that, that goes back to your bucket too. I'm thinking, what would have happened if you didn't do all the things that you did to have the success you had? What, what was your alternative? Was it, was it cushy?

• 15:22Speaker 01

  No. You know, I mean, a lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was. So a lot of the things that I did, I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation. I can have something bigger. I can have more. I can do more things.

• 15:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  And he doesn't have that.

• 15:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There's a very specific moment in the day a lot of parents hit, usually in the afternoon where you're still going, but everything feels harder than it should. You're answering questions, making decisions, trying to stay patient, and suddenly, simple things feel complicated. Like, why does choosing a snack suddenly feel like a high stakes decision? And most of us, me included, have the tendency to just push through it, power through. But I've started to pay more attention to those in-between moments and how something as basic as hydration can actually help. And that's what I like about Element's sparkling electrolyte drinks. They're designed for those exact moments, not just workouts, but real life. School drop-off, the transition between soccer and coming home,

• 16:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 17:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 18:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 18:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 19:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I just, I was really struck by the simplicity of what you said. I, I don't want to be here. I want to end up somewhere different from here. And I just think, I'm thinking about this too with my kids and none of us have to panic about this, but where does motivation come from for a kid? If the fallback is, oh, I'd be pretty happy to be here. Like I'd be pretty, yeah, that'll be, that already is my ceiling. So like your reality wasn't your ceiling. Like your ceiling was the one that you saw for yourself was very different.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Right.

• 19:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And there was an amount of discomfort in your reality. So not just like, this is a good life, but this is a, it's a comfortable life.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Right.

• 19:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Emotionally comfortable now, like physically comfortable, visually comfortable.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 19:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 19:57Speaker 01

  Yes. And so that's, I'm just like, is this going to be a kid that just doesn't do things they don't feel like doing?

• 20:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  And what happens if you do that?

• 20:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So, okay, so if we take it away from the low A, because again, that's not really what we're talking about. Because I think there is something there that we can honor. Like, there are these moments with our kids where we say, you have natural ability at something.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 20:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I now know that's almost more something that could hamstring you than help you long term. Because if I think about ability and effort, like, if you have high ability when you're young, that can take you far. So, you're behind. Maybe you're just behind on your effort muscle. Like, the slope of that curve is legitimately slower than other kids. And maybe still in your son's grade, the ability shines. But we know there's this, like, oh, tipping moment, right? Ability, like, gets you here, and effort can take you so far. So, I think the most generous interpretation of your concern about the low A, but I think it might be the truest one, is you're noticing something where you're concerned about the slope of his effort curve.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? And you know, unlike him, because you're an adult, how that plays out all the next number of decades.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think that's really legitimate and is separate from our childhood stuff. So, I just think, right? And now, I think the question is, well, how do I intervene from that place?

• 21:21Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Not from my stuff. Right, exactly. Right. Do you think the right time to intervene is right after you get the report card?

• 21:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I can say, no.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  No, because of how charged up I am about it. I'm not able to, I'm still not able to get there yet because I need a minute to take myself out of the story. You know, I need a minute to, you know, I'm going down there, you know, nobody did this for me. You know, I spent all this money, you know, I need a minute to just, like...

• 21:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Journal.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right, you need to journal first. I think that's right.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the other reason why I think it's powerful for parents to know, maybe the moment isn't the best one. Because if it really is about this deeper theme of effort, it's not even really about the grade or the English paper, anyway.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 22:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I also think a good check, in terms of talking to my kid about it, is if I say, is this beyond the bonus math problem? So, okay. Let me pause. Is this really about effort and taking on a challenge and doing things that are the extra mile? Actually, no. Like, my kid does that in all these other moments. Then I might actually say, you know what, this is just a journaling.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 22:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This is just a journaling moment.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  This really is just about the bonus problem.

• 22:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay. That actually is really helpful to do as a parent. Is this one moment that's triggering a big story? Or is this moment kind of emblematic of so many other types of things where on the surface, they all look different, but actually the underlying story is the same? Right? Because then I think I want to find my kid in a calm moment, not related to the report card. And I don't think there's a problem referencing, and I might say, look, like, I was thinking about this after your report card, and as you know, in our family, like, one of the things that matters so much isn't the grade you get. It's actually the process of getting there.

• 23:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like, I can see a day where I am so proud of you in a subject where you get a lower grade than another subject where you get a higher grade, because I've watched you study. I've watched you meet with the teacher after school. I've watched you learn with me how to make flashcards, which, and that was so cool. And you kept saying, this is the hardest subject. And I said, I know, we're going to get there together. And you get the worst grade you ever get. And I say to you, this was the biggest win all year.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 23:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That is the kind of family we are. And the reason I'm saying that to you is because I've noticed there's a bunch of things that are happening that seem really different from that. And interestingly, this is such a good age for us to talk about it, because you're young, I'm always on your team, right? And now, all of a sudden, instead of just talking about the moment, I'm actually talking about this bigger theme, and honestly, like, family value, almost.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And we can even amend this for different ages. Someone's like, I don't know if I could say all that to my kid, but sometimes I think it's just helpful to think about the vibe.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? Which is very different than the ones that come more naturally to both of us.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Right. Yeah. As you were saying that, I'm just like, wow, yes, that is, that is true, because even it's not about the grade, really. It's that I want to be sure that you're trying. And this is hard.

• 24:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? I mean, I looked at it, and I'm like, this is difficult.

• 24:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Just, like you said, the process of at least giving it a go.

• 24:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  If you don't do well, and you did give it your all, which we did have a, we had a situation with this particular subject. Because, because the great just went all the way down.

• 25:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  And I was like, alright, we're here now.

• 25:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  And I think it was low enough for him to say, oh, okay, I, I need to, to get in this.

• 25:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  If you said to him, what do you think is going on here? What would he say?

• 25:24Speaker 01

  I don't, if I, I'm first, I'm laughing because I'm like, that's such a good question. Why, why does that, why, why don't I ever think of that?

• 25:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Um, and, and I'm gonna answer that. It's easy for me. Do you know why I don't think about that in my own moment? This is actually really true. Cause I am in my own bucket.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 25:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm just in my own bucket, in my own bucket. I'm not even thinking about my kid. That's the point. And when someone's like, why don't you just ask them what's going on? You're like, I've never thought about that. Because here's the bucket of what my kid is, and here's mine. And I didn't even realize, I'm drowning in my own bucket.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  Cause even as you're saying that, I'm like, best question.

• 26:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Best question ever.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  I mean, because I know he would have a good answer because I know my kid, you know? It's like, if I could get out of my bucket and into his and ask the question, you know, he'd probably say, I don't really know. Like the stories are about things that kids who are seven don't even, like they're not a part of their world. He doesn't relate to the passages. So he's reading these really difficult passages that he can't relate to.

• 26:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And, and I just wanna say something, my like, first of all, so incredible that he can articulate that, like bananas. But there's actually something almost parallel process or meta about that for me, meaning.

• 26:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  He does struggle to put forth effort

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  into something that doesn't come easily.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Right.

• 26:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're right.

• 26:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You don't understand that world. My guess is the teacher's like, that's why we're reading it.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 26:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So here's what I just want to model back because I know it doesn't come naturally. So I'm picturing my kid saying, I don't even get these passages. Like they're so unrelatable. Some version of that at whatever age your kid is. I just want to model how to say back to a kid in that moment. So let me see if I got this right. You're given a passage to read.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And you start, which is awesome.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Right.

• 27:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then at some point you're like, I don't really like, this isn't really not me. And I'm kind of fumbling because that's probably what this isn't really me. I don't know. And then, once that thought comes, it becomes harder to stay focused on the passage. You know, it becomes a little harder to focus. No, I can focus. Oh, and then this is important. I'm so glad you corrected me because I really want to get this right.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 27:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So it's not focus. What is it? It's boring. Oh, so then you get to a place where it's boring. Is that right? Yes. And then you can say something. It's so simple, but it really does hit my heart. I also don't love reading things that feel boring. I get that. Your kid might only need that.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right, they might just say, I get that. And then I'm going to actually have one of two options.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  One, I used to say stuff like this to my kid. When you're doing reading today, do you think you can just tell me when you get to the boring part? Mom, I'm at the boring part. I've inherently changed my kid's relationship with the boring. So now instead of the boring becoming the cue in their body to tune out, it becomes a cue to connect with me. And like, I'm so glad you told me that. What do you, what should we do now? Immediately your kid's going to be more likely to read. They just are because the thing doesn't just take over. They're kind of more aware of it. You're in it with them. So there's a very light version of this. Now, I'm a realist. One of my kids, I do that, one of them, and it would be like all they needed.

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Right.

• 28:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My other two. They'd be like, yeah, I'm at the boring parts. I'm gonna stop. You know, then it's like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore. Okay, I get that. I don't like boring things either. I also just want to tell you something clear. In our family, one of our values is we work hard to understand things, especially things that aren't kind of immediately understandable to us or are confusing, and we really work hard to understand things that don't relate to us. It's just how we become better people is by understanding more things than live in our exact world. Like, I would say that to my kid. And so, I'm on your team, but I just want to make it very clear. Reading these passages and learning how to stay with them for longer is something I expect you to be able to do.

• 29:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I know you can do it, and I'm gonna help you get there. Like, pretty strong.

• 29:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What's your reaction to that?

• 29:35Speaker 01

  I'm giggling inside because that's not what I've been doing.

• 29:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I'm not saying I would really do that in life, but it sounds good in the studio.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  It does, but no. But this is, but I'm, and I'm also like, oh, my God, yes, I can do this. But, you know, I'm saying things like, you know what? See, this is because we're doing too many games and not enough reading. And we're going to read boring things at home because I think that's another thing is that in my mind, I'm like, we need to do more reading. But if you're reading the things you love at home, I'm not really helping you with, this is, I do that, where I read things that I don't necessarily enjoy. Like, I subscribe to something that probably isn't my favorite just to push myself to go down a lane that is not just exactly what I want to be doing or reading. And it is helpful.

• 30:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  But I should probably share that with him. Like, oh, here's my magazine subscription that I get.

• 30:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  That's not my favorite, but it's just my way of pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

• 30:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think that's where the, I get that, I have that too, is such an underutilized tool for parents. Because then you can say, Do you know one of the things I'm working on, truly, is reading things that I don't immediately understand to expand my brain. And it's hard for me, too. We, we could kind of be in this secret club together.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  We both, and if you notice me saying, oh, I don't want to finish this. Could you say to me, Mom, we're in this together.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 31:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do it another sentence, right?

• 31:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There's nothing like your kid being able to correct you and hear themself tell you the thing they need to tell themselves. I have a sick joy because I'm like, I am building yourself talking. You don't even realize it.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 31:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You don't even realize it.

• 31:17Speaker 01

  And I know how much my kid wants to tell me things like that, Mom.

• 31:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Exactly.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  We don't do that. You, you know, you can do it. They love that.

• 31:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right.

• 31:26Speaker 01

  They love that.

• 31:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then just because, again, I'm such a pragmatist, there are things. Your kid's academic work is hard. There's no immediate gratification. You have to start to try to understand something way before you understand it. There's no dopamine in that whole thing.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do screens, that could be part of a system change, too. But again, there might be something, I don't know if this is exactly the case in your house, but for someone listening where I do think there could be a situation of, look, we're going to shift a couple of things. This isn't a punishment. My job always in our house is actually to think about the systems I set up. My job is to set you up for success. And when something is chronically hard, I don't think that's a you problem or a motivation problem. I actually first say to myself, is there a system problem?

• 32:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And honestly, you are making this up. Doing your iPad for an hour before your homework, nobody could lock into homework like that.

• 32:20Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're right, it's going to be a hard change. You're probably going to yell at me for a few days. That change is starting tomorrow because I want to set you up for success. That is totally different. Though, even if it looks the same on the surface,

• 32:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  the result, but the felt experience is completely different than, okay, no iPad after school until you,

• 32:40Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  whatever.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Now my kid's going to do their homework less well just to, because they're so indignant

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 32:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  at me, right?

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Same, same result, just a different way of going about it.

• 32:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then different impact.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  One more layer I want to ask you about. Do you feel a different type of pressure with him as a black parent?

• 33:02Speaker 01

  I do. I do. I know that in every space that he goes into, if he's going up for a job, if he's going up, you know, whatever he's going up for, I know that there's a layer of,

• 33:21Speaker 01

  can he do it just based on the way he looks? And so there is a part of me as a parent that wants there to be no question that this person can not just do whatever it is,

• 33:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  but can do it better than every single person here. And so, yes, I do have that. I do have that pressure because I felt like that was the pressure for me.

• 33:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And that, I guess, lives in both buckets. Like, that's part of your story, in your bucket.

• 33:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 33:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But there's something very, that's very real, too.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 33:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 33:54Speaker 01

  That's very real of just like, when you show up and you're standing in a line, there's just, you're gonna have to have a little bit extra.

• 34:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  That, just a little bit extra to make sure that you can fare well.

• 34:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  True, true question. Do you talk to him about that directly? Not, does that inform your parenting? Do you not say that yet? And is that helpful to actually explicitly talk about? How do you think about that?

• 34:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're gonna have to work twice as hard to get, whatever, you know?

• 34:20Speaker 01

  I, I haven't said that explicitly, but I can tell you that I'm kind of saying it a little bit. And so, we talk about, we talk about race. We talk about, you know, some of the things that I am like,

• 34:35Speaker 01

  helping him notice is like, do you notice that you are the only person that looks like you in these spaces? So like, if you're in gifted, or, you know, whenever he's going to the next level, you're looking around and it's like, how many white kids are in this?

• 34:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  And it's like, are you the only? And he'll think about it. And he is black and white. And he will say, well, no, there's nobody else there. And so, I am wanting him to notice that, like, this sort of only,

• 35:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  this only space that he's in. And I ask him, I ask him how he feels about that. And he'll say, no, it feels... I feel alone. I feel lonely. I feel different, you know? And so I do. I'm having the conversations today where I'm saying, you know, I'm not trying to change how you feel or make you feel better about being the only person of color there, but like, I get it. And really just wanting to be with him with that. But we are starting to get to the point where he's noticing that there's not many people in the elevated or gifted spaces with him. So we're doing it. I mean, I feel like I have to.

• 35:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're doing it.

• 35:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. I don't want him to be shocked or surprised when he gets to middle school or gets to high school. It's like, what's going on?

• 35:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 35:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Of all the things we talked about around this, Curious, what's the thing that feels loudest to you where you're like, I want to incorporate that, whether it's a thought or an action?

• 36:05Speaker 01

  You know, what feels loudest is, is the clarification of the buckets. Because when I, when I was saying like, why am I spiraling like this is good, right? And it's just like, being able to see, to really just now, when I'm having a moment like this, like, okay, I'm going to sit my buckets out, which is mine. And really taking a moment to, if it's journal, if it's a voice note, if it's kind of calling a friend and saying, can I vent? You know, can I just vent? Um, and then really taking the time with my son. And I think what you're, what you're saying is just like the, the effort, like the process.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  And then having some things that I can say, I know, Becky, when I am in the right bucket, I know I can do it, but I gotta get in the right bucket, right? So even just getting out of my bucket and into his, I know that the stuff, I, I will be able to access the very simple question of, what do you think is going on?

• 37:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  You know, it seems so simple, but I know if I ask him that, I know he'll have a good answer.

• 37:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Only to a good conversation.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 37:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So beautiful. So let's get back to the original question. We're kind of asking, is it true? If I don't push my kid, they'll waste their potential? Okay. Is it true? And if it's not true, do you have an amendment to that sentence? Do you have a totally new sentence or framework to understand that question?

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Is it true?

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Not that if I don't push my kid, but if I don't get out of my bucket to better understand where my kid is struggling with effort, they will not reach their potential.

• 37:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I have such a similar reframe. I want to put the word effort in there. It's not even in there. Potential's so charged. I think my reframe is, what is my kid's relationship with effort and struggling? And do they need my help? Do they need some more skills to be the most capable version of themselves? I think that's where I'm at.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Here's something I'm thinking about that I want to kind of write up and share, if it's helpful for you. What are some conversation starters around effort with your kid? How can you open the door to this conversation without your kid slamming it in your face? And so I'm going to write that up. I'm going to put it on our blog. And I'll do some examples at different ages. So the younger kids, it's a lot shorter. With the teenager, it understands how quick they are to react to criticism. I'll kind of write it all out. Link in the show notes to get it. Now, let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground.

• 38:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Place a hand on your heart.

• 39:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside.

• 39:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'll see you soon.

• 39:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So many of you are annual members, and I have something I'm so excited to share with you. The question I get asked more than almost anything else is, Dr. Becky, do you have coaches trained for one-on-one sessions in the Good Inside Method? And for so long, the answer has been, no, not really. You're not people that are taking new clients. But here's something I've been working on. I have trained a group of parent coaches in a Good Inside method. And these are people who think the way I do, who have the Good Inside frameworks, who speak this language. And so if it resonates with you, yes, now we have a group of coaches who can sit with you. So they can talk about the very specific thing you want to talk about with a person who's trained and who you trust.

• 40:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And now, if you're an annual member, you can book a session with one of them. This is honestly a test. If you show up, and I think you will, we're going to roll this out to every member, and maybe even beyond that. So if you've ever wished you could talk to an expert trained in Good Inside, who's also just a parent who gets it, this is exactly that. Head to the app and book your session.