Dr. Becky's Carpool Q&A

Something no one tells you about parenting? How much time you'll spend in the driver’s seat - chauffeuring your kid to school, playdates, soccer, birthday parties, you name it. That's why Dr. Becky partnered with Chomps to answer questions from parents like you about carpool. In this bonus episode, she shares how to make car rides easier and more meaningful.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Does it ever feel like so many of your hardest parenting moments happen in the car with your kids? You're driving and your kids are arguing about the music, or who's sitting in what seat, or they're just kind of touching each other. Or maybe some of your hardest parenting moments are when you're in the car without your kids and you're just thinking, when did I become an Uber driver? I didn't know this is what parenting would be like. Well, I'm so excited to bring you a special bonus Carpool Q and A brought to you by Chomps. All questions having to do with the practical situations we all face in the car. I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

• 1:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I'm ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space

• 2:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host. Here's a question parents ask me all the time. How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music, and learning content.

• 2:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  One of my kids really likes to write and record their own stories with the "Make Your Own" cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind-down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise, and nightlight. With the right sounds, stories, and a bit of structure thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer, and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves, making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at yodoplay.com. New customers only. Ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only.

• 3:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm so excited to join you for a back-to-school carpool Q&A in partnership with Chomps. All right, let's just start with some basic top tips for getting through car time and carpools. Number one, set the stage by naming that your teammates. Look to the kids in the back before you pull out of a driveway, of school, wherever you are, and just say, "Car rides can be tricky. I want you to know, we're on the same team. We are going to be able to get through this tricky thing together." By doing that, you're immediately saying that you kind of trust your kids, that you're in it together, and kids love that and will often kind of improve their behavior just by setting the stage in that way.

• 4:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Two, always have something for you. You need something on a car ride to give you grounding. That might mean a snack. That might mean you insist on a song that you like, that has a positive association. Insert yourself into the car moment, and I promise you, you will not be as reactive. Three, I always give myself permission to just pull to the side of the road at any point and take a break. I just say to the kids in the back, "Hey, we're gonna take a break for a moment. I need a deep breath." That is such amazing modeling, and it gives you a moment to re-ground yourself and then continue a car ride or a carpool in a way you're proud of.

• 5:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  All right, we have some amazing questions from parents, so let's get to those.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  My two kids seem to fight nonstop in the car. There's only so much I can do because I'm driving, but it triggers me so much. Any advice?

• 5:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Look, I've been there myself, and I want to tell you the truth. The only thing that's actually helped me in this situation is prepping my kid a little bit in advance. I know that sounds annoying. I don't have time for that. But I promise you, it will save you so much time and frustration. Here's what I mean. Talk to your kids in a calm moment when you're not about to get in the car. Say something like this. It's hard to kind of keep our hands to ourselves and stay calm in the car. It's so important, so I can keep us safe. Let's practice. Hopefully, your kids see this as a game, not as a punishment. Yeah, let's go to the car, and I'm gonna get in this seat, and you're gonna get in your seats, and we're gonna practice something. Have them sit and do this. Let's all take a deep breath and just say,

• 6:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  "Oh, this is hard, and I can do hard things." Let's also say, "I can keep my hands to myself." And have them actually practice putting their hands on their bodies, which is something they will then be more likely to do during an actual car ride. It's kind of like you're giving them practice in the gym before the big game. And then when the big game comes, which is a simple car ride, they'll be so much more likely to have good behavior.

• 6:42Speaker 02

  Last year after school, I would ask my kid how their day was and all I ever got back was "Fine," or "I don't know." I just want to learn more about their day and have a conversation, but it's like pulling teeth. What should I do?

• 7:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Look, I get it. You've been thinking about your kid all day. They've been gone for so many hours. You want to know, did I make any new friends? Did you do art? Did you build with blocks? What did you learn? How stuff with your teacher? I am the exact same way and I learn this the hard way. My kid would come in the car after school and I would pepper them with questions and they would shut down for the rest of the day. Then a friend said something to me that really resonated. Becky, think about your most stressful day at work. Hours and hours of trying to hold it all together. And picture me meeting you after work, right outside your office, and just peppering you with questions. And then it hit me. I'd find that so annoying. It's not that I don't want to talk about my day, but I need to do it on my own timeline.

• 7:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I need to not feel pressured and it needs to not feel like it's just your agenda. So here's my guidance. Don't think about the car ride after school as the time you're going to get information. Hopefully this feels like a relief. Just use it to play your favorite song and actually not have much of a conversation at all. Now the pressure's off your kid and off you. I actually think the best time to ask one or two questions about your kid's day is way later. Maybe around dinner or even better, when you're putting them to bed at night. Try that. I think you'll be more successful.

• 8:19Speaker 03

  My daughter has some separation anxiety at drop-off. What can I do in the car ride to help her get ready and make that moment a little easier?

• 8:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, so first thing, I have to remind you because I have to remind myself. Our job as parents is not to make a tear-free drop-off. That actually is important because if your kid feels like you're anxious about the fact that they're anxious, that makes them more anxious because they feel like, oh, maybe school really is bad. Maybe the fact that I'm sad at drop-off is a bigger problem than I realized. So step one is just taking a deep breath and reminding yourself, it's okay if your kid has a hard time at drop-off. So many kids do. Step two, think about this equation. Kind of one of your feet, in a way, is invalidation. You're going to validate what your kid is feeling.

• 9:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The other foot is not there. It's in what I call capability or hope. We have to see a more capable version of our kid than they can access in the moment. Here's what that might sound like on the car ride to school. Don't talk about it for too long. We don't want to ruminate, but maybe a minute or two away, you just say something simple like, I know drop-off can feel tricky. And I know you're going to end up having a great day. You have one foot invalidating their reality and the other foot in seeing them as capable. That is what a kid really needs to hear.

• 9:49Speaker 04

  So sometimes it's such a struggle for us to get out of the house. We end up being late. I end up yelling. And by the time we're in the car, the mood is pretty low. Is there a way I can turn it around for the car ride?

• 10:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Look, I've been there myself. The mornings are so stressful, and part of the reason they're stressful is we tell ourselves it's simple, getting out of the house. It is a full-heart, full-body transition for everyone. So I just want to validate that from the start. Now, you're right. You had a tough morning. You're kind of walking to the car and you really want to turn things around, but sometimes that doesn't happen. So I want to tell you what I tend to do in those moments, at least on a good day. If you think about turning it around, you need to insert something new into that transition to signal to everyone that tough morning is behind us. We're going to go into the next part of our day as teammates, even as playmates. After all, being playful, being silly is always the best way

• 10:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  for kids to have better behavior because they feel more connected to you. And honestly, you feel more connected to the best part of yourself when you can have a little bit of levity. So on the walk to the car, do something different that adds a little bit of fun. It could be something ridiculous like, "Hey, from today forward, when we walk to the car, do we want to say really weird, random sounds? Ugly, buggly, juggly?" That's enough to get your kid out of difficult morning mode. Maybe you also just want to state something direct. "Hey, that was a tough morning. Let's have a more fun, connected energy." An older kid might want to hear that. Maybe you start a new routine that's the same every day.

• 11:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  "Hey, let's think about a family walk to the car song." And you play a certain song that again just signals to our body and theirs, "Whoa, that tough morning is behind us. Now we're in a different place." I guess my biggest piece of guidance is think about the walk to the car as a transition moment and put something into the transition to signal to everyone that we can put the tough morning behind us and move forward in a way that feels better for everyone.

• 12:00Speaker 05

  Why do I feel like a full-time chauffeur? I am constantly driving my kids around. They can't drive yet, and it feels like such a thankless job.

• 12:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You and me both sometimes. I actually was feeling this years ago, and I had a really interesting insight. It was during a conversation with my husband that actually not only changed things in terms of not feeling as much like a chauffeur, but actually something more substantial. Here's what I mean. We can all get into a mode of optimizing for each kid. On a Saturday, my kid has a 10 a.m. birthday party. We leave a little bit early to get to the soccer practice. And then I drive all the way across the county for a playdate at a friend's house who he hasn't seen. And then I get back and it's 4 or 5 p.m. and I'm totally exhausted. Now, if you have more than one kid, of course, we feel like a chauffeur even more often

• 12:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  because we are optimizing all the time for each kid. Now, think about this mindset shift. I'm going to try a weekend where I optimize for our family, not for each kid. What might that mean? RSVP no for a birthday party because you already have two things on the calendar. Or it's not that. Telling that friend that your kid cannot have a playdate that day, even if the calendar looks open because you're thinking about time for the family to just be in your house together, or time for you to rest and not be in the car.

• 13:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Your mood, how much energy you have, also the idea of the family being together instead of split apart all the time. It actually ends up being better for everyone. So try that. I can't wait to hear how that goes.

• 13:51Speaker 06

  What's the weirdest thing you've ever found under a car seat?

• 13:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The weirdest thing I ever found under a car seat was a piece of old, moldy, very stinky string cheese under the buckle.

• 14:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What's one song that's guaranteed to brighten the mood, inspire, sing along in your car? One song that is guaranteed to brighten the mood in our car is "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys. I had to do a little bit to get my kids into it, but now they're on board.

• 14:22Speaker 07

  Hi, Dr. Becky. I know you talk a lot about taking up space and making sure that we're filling our own cup and taking care of our own needs as moms. So I was just curious, what's one thing in the car that you always have that's just for you?

• 14:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Honestly, I have two things in the car that are always for me. I always have at least one podcast downloaded. So after a drop-off, when I'm waiting for a pickup, instead of doing something that doesn't end up feeling like self-care, I listen to something that feels adult. Maybe it's true crime or it's something for work that feels interesting. And so that's one thing. And then the other thing is very different. It's a snack for me. I always have snacks for my kids in the car, but I realized I always need a snack for myself. Giving my kids a snack without having one for myself never felt good. And I like that I'm modeling self-care. Oh, that snack's for me. So a podcast and a snack. The car ride can actually be an amazing time for the best conversations with your kid.

• 15:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I know that kids often open up when they're in less pressured situations. And actually, when you're driving and you're looking out the front and your kid is also looking out the front, the lack of direct eye contact communicates to a kid that there's not as much intensity. And so they're more willing to share. So if you're struggling to kind of get your kid to open up, remember that when you're in the car alone with your kid, maybe tell a story, maybe ask a light question, and then pause and just wait. Sometimes the magical moment happens in the car. I hope you took one or two practical strategies today that you can use in one of your car rides.

• 16:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Even though this episode was a little different, let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground, put a hand on your heart, and remind yourself, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon.

• 16:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support. Finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have fun with, that makes it so much easier to go back to work, or travel, or yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help, or just part-time help with morning drop-off, or after-school care,

• 17:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Care.com can help you find nannies, sitters, and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare, and request tours, and could even get a discount on daycare tuition as a Care.com member. If you need more support, Care.com can help. For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a Care.com membership. When it's not you, it's Care.com.

• 17:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's

• 18:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com/becky.