Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Hosted by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Original podcast
Today on the podcast, Dr. Becky tackles the very important topic of connection and shares ways you can increase connection with your kid.
5,641 words · 1 speaker
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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So today I want to jump into what I think is one of the most important things with our kids: connection. And while we all know that word, connection, I get it. Connect with my kid. Yep, yep. I think it's actually misunderstood because often I hear from people, "Oh, you want me to connect with my kid?" when they're angry and nasty and engaging all this bad behavior. And on some level, I think we've all internalized the idea that connection reinforces bad behavior. And then we almost withhold it, or we find ourselves not wanting to give it.
And this is what I want to talk about today because I know that in our busy lives, I know that as we're dealing with the day-to-day of parenting, the thing that makes it all more manageable is feeling more connected to our kid. And figuring out what that means and little manageable ways to do that, well, that's what I really want to give you by the end of this episode. Because I think by the end, you'll take a deep breath and say, "Oh, okay, I can do that." And hopefully even, "I'm going to do that."
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.
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Today, I'm going to answer three questions from you. I get so many emails, so many different voice notes, and there were actually a bunch of them about connection. So I'm just going to go one at a time, and I promise I will tie it all together. So let's jump in with this. Dr. Becky, connection seems to be at the center of your approach. And it's almost like you believe that there's always a way to connect with your kid, even in the hardest moments. You've also said that connection is an ingredient that seems to turn things around. Can you explain this a little bit more? Why is connection so important? Okay, this allows us to really lay the groundwork together.
And yes, connection is everything when it comes to parenting. And if you think about other relationships in your life, I'm going to guess that you'd say connection is everything there. Think about any important relationship. Maybe it's your partnership, maybe it's a parent, maybe it's a colleague, maybe it's a friend. And then think about the different stages you've been in with that person. My guess is when you feel disconnected. Meaning there's just more distance than you'd like. You feel like someone, I don't know, didn't attend to something that really mattered to you. Maybe you felt like someone really misunderstood something and didn't really make the effort to see it from your perspective.
Well, I know I've had moments like that in all of my most important relationships, too. And when you feel disconnected from someone that matters to you, almost everything feels harder in that relationship because you're kind of harboring the feeling of disconnection. And then you're less likely to cooperate. You're more likely to snap. You're more likely to interpret something they're doing from a negative perspective. It's almost like when you feel disconnected, everything goes off the rails. The opposite is true as well. When you have a moment of feeling connected, oh, that person really listened. That person called me up and I kind of had an unexpected apology from them that just put us back on track. I feel like that person was really there for me in a hard time.
Oh, that person can get away with a lot of different things, right? Because you just have more generosity and good feelings. This is really true for our kids. When we're connected to them, so many things become easier. And when we're disconnected from them, so many things become harder. And so actually, right now, think about your home and think about what feels hard. And I know on the surface, what feels hard is probably the behavior. Dr. Becky, what's hard is my kid's being rude. Dr. Becky, what's hard is my kid seems to be hitting every child who comes over for a playdate. I get that. Those things are hard. But I want you to ask yourself kind of a deeper question. Do I feel connected to my kid right now?
Do I feel like my kid is connected to me right now? And we don't have to have a binary of yes or no. The truth is probably somewhere in between. But I guess then the question becomes, am I as connected as I'd like to be with my kid? Do I think my kid feels as connected as they want to be to me? Because now, instead of intervening at the level of the behavior on the surface, we can intervene at the level of what's more core: connection. And then, guess what? When you start to feel more connected to your kid, so many of those things at the surface are going to get better.
What I really want to do is differentiate connection from permissiveness. This really matters, and it might be in the back of your mind. Yeah, Dr. Becky, I'm not feeling connected to my kid because they're not listening to anything I say. Because they always say, I hate you, you're the worst parent in the world. How could I feel connected to my kid? You want me to connect to my kid? Isn't that basically like approving of their awful behavior? Here's where I want to come back to something totally foundational at Good Inside. That really relates to connection. I want you to look at one of your hands. And I just want you to say, this is my kid's bad behavior. And I'll agree with you.
It might be, quote, "bad behavior," and name it out loud. It's never listening the first time. I agree. Annoying, less than ideal behavior. You're totally right. It is talking back. It's going to get a snack in the kitchen when I precisely said no snacks before dinner. It is hitting. It is nasty words to a sibling. Okay, look at that hand and move it far away from your body. I'm looking at my left hand. That is my kid's behavior. Now, I want you to take your other hand and move it far to the other side. So your hands are far apart. And I want you to look at that hand. And I want you to remind yourself. That hand represents your kid. Your other hand is their behavior.
But this hand is your kid. And you have a good kid. Under all that nasty behavior, and maybe you're thinking, everything you just named, Dr. Becky, it's all happening in my home. Under bad behavior is always a good kid. And you can always connect to the good kid under the bad behavior. This is never permissive. So let me explain the difference, okay? My kid, let's say, is always talking back. I'm not cleaning up my room. You can't make me. Right, let's say it's something like that. Permissive would be saying something like this. Oh, sweetie, but we have to clean up our rooms.
We always do that in our house. I know it's hard. I'm almost not really understanding what just happened in front of me, and I'm not being an adult. Now, interestingly enough, when we do the opposite extreme, we just snap back at our kid. "You can't talk to me like that. What's wrong with you? No dessert for a week." We think what we're doing there is telling our kid that their behavior is bad.
But because we're not separating the good kid as separate from the bad behavior, what our kids actually take in is that they are bad. And then they feel totally alone and disconnected. And then they harbor anger and pain, which, guess what? Surfaces as bad behavior. So what's in the middle? How can we prioritize connection, even when there's bad behavior? And doing it in a way that we're not permitting or reinforcing bad behavior? So watch this. "Hey, sweetie, I know it's annoying to clean up your room. And I know there's another way you can say that to me, because you're a good kid
and you can figure out how to communicate your frustration in a respectful way." What I'm doing is I'm seeing the good kid. If we can't see our good kid underneath their bad behaviors, and let's stay with this theme, if we can't connect to the good kid who's under their bad rude behaviors, our kid forgets that they're a good kid. They're identifying as a bad kid. And kids who identify as bad kids just engage in more bad behaviors that leads to more disconnection. And we're off to the races in a direction where nobody wins. You know, we can bring this to the workplace, too, because I think ironically, we have a more sophisticated nuanced understanding of good bosses
than we do of kind of good leaders in our family. Right? Let's say you are off and late to a meeting. If your boss simply interpreted that as disrespect and they said, "I will not put up with this." Right? And maybe instead of saying, "No dessert for a week", they say, "I am taking away your lunch allowance for the week." Nope, the company is not paying for your lunch. Just think about how you'd feel.
You're even more distant from your boss than you were before. More misunderstood, looked at as kind of a bad employee because you have bad behavior. Now, the other side isn't great either. "Oh, you're late. No big deal. Come when you want to come." Meeting time, sch-meeting time. I mean, I'm running good inside. I would never do that. What's in the middle?
I'd probably find that person after, and I'd probably say, "Hey, you've been late a lot. And here's the thing, I know you know that starting meetings on time really matters, and so there must be something going on. I know you're a good person. I know that you care. And I want to work with you at figuring out what's getting in your way of getting here on time, because I feel like if we work together, we can figure this out." Okay, I just want to know which person hears me say that and says, "Oh, my goodness, that is such permissive CEO-ing. What a permissive boss." Or if they say, "Oh, my goodness, if I'm going to change my habit of being late, you better bet it would be for a boss like that, because they're letting me know what's acceptable and unacceptable,
and then they're seeing the good inside me and connecting to me as a human." They also have probably been late. They've also been rude. They've probably also struggled, and they're relating to me as a person who needs some help, not as a bad person who needs to be sent away.
Connection matters so much. Connection is not permissive. Connection doesn't mean you approve of bad behavior. As a boss, connecting to my employee who's late doesn't mean it's okay that they're late. It means that I want to understand why they're late.
I want to connect to the good person underneath, so we can move things forward in a good direction. And that's the exact same thing our kids need of us.
All right, let's go to the next question. I hear you talk about connection all the time, Dr. Becky, and I get it and I agree, but I am so burnt out. I feel like I don't have time to connect with my kids, and I know that's awful to say, but it is how I feel. And this is anonymous, and so I feel like I have to get that out there. I'm going to take a deep breath with this one. You know, when I read this question that came in, I just want to give that parent a hug and say, thank you for naming something that I think now tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of parents will nod and say, oh, my goodness, I can't be that bad of a person if that other person feels that way too, because at least I know I'm not the only one.
I feel like I don't have time to connect with my kids. It sounds so awful to say, and it is so common to feel.
So if you're feeling that way, I hope you can just tell yourself right now, I'm not a monster. There's something here to understand. There's probably something here to reframe. I could probably look at it a different way. And good parents have these thoughts. Maybe go back to those two hands, right? We're saying, I have a good kid who's engaging in some bad behavior. I'm a good parent who feels like I don't have time to connect with my kid. Oh, my goodness, what's going on? And what can I do that feels manageable to me?
If we zoom out, I mean, it's just really hard to be a parent right now. I mean that it's really hard. And if it feels that way to you, that's because it is that way. We all want to be present and connected with our kids. And there is just this endless to do list, endless. And the logistics and the ordering and the signups and the after school and the car pulls and then all the things we're supposed to be doing just for ourselves. Right? I mean, if you're feeling burnt out, I get it. And so if you have those feelings inside you, those thoughts that say, I don't have it in me to validate the feelings underneath this tantrum. Or the last thing I want to do is finger paint right now with my child.
I just want to zone out on the couch. Welcome to the club. I'm not afraid to tell you, I've had all those thoughts too. Those thoughts don't make you a bad parent. Those thoughts, the I don't have time for something in theory I would want to have time for, they make you human. And they mean you're struggling.
There's good news here. Okay? And the good news is that building connection with our kids, it doesn't have to be complicated or terribly time consuming. And I know what you're probably thinking, Dr. Becky, like, if you give me something to do that's going to take 30 minutes and you're like, it's so simple and it's not time consuming, just do this thing. I swear, I'm not going to do that. Okay? I'd roll my eyes still. I want to give you one example of what I mean. I call it whisper to connect. Whispering something to your kid, something that you probably were going to say to them anyway, is one thing you can do today, no matter how burnt out you feel, to connect to your kid. I want to tell you what I did the other day.
My son was playing, is actually playing kind of independently. How lovely, that does not happen all the time in my house, but it did happen. And I was just looking at him and feeling like this moment of gratitude of, oh, that just gives me like 60 seconds of breathing room in the kitchen. And I just walked over to him and I gave him an unexpected whisper.
What did I say? "I was just thinking about how much I love you and I wanted to tell you that."
That's it. That is one thing I did to increase connection. I was kind of feeling that way about him. So often I think we feel things and we just don't surface it. We hear our own thoughts about other people, our nice thoughts. And sometimes the easiest thing to do is just take a nice thought you're already having about someone in the moment and bring it to them. It's like a bridge then. It's a nice thought in you, it comes out of you and it connects to them. You're forming a bridge between the two of you, which really is the essence of connection. You know, as I tell you this, I think about my kid's reaction.
He had this like knowing, big, although on the surface it kind of looked constrained grin, where I just felt like what I did mattered. It really, really did. Whispering is something I think that feels very intimate and almost sacred. There's something about a whisperer that makes someone feel chosen and special. And it makes your relationship feel really special.
So I guess that would be a really manageable thing to do today, even if you feel completely burned out. Whisper something nice to your kid in an unexpected moment. You can do it when you're putting them to bed for sure, but like interrupt a moment with them. Go up to them, "Wait, I want to tell you something. You're an awesome kid. I was just thinking about that. I wanted to tell you, I love you so much." That's it.
And I guess I can't help myself but to think about what we might need to whisper to ourselves. Because if you and I are feeling burnt out, then I think we're in need of connection and recognition and something sacred and special. Sometimes it's hard to think about the words we need to hear. So maybe I'll, I don't know, kind of take a spin at trying a few things. And then maybe you can decide which of these things you need to pick up and take in. You're doing a great job. I wanted to let you know that.
I see you tuning in, working so hard. You're doing enough. You are enough. Whisper to connect. Whisper something to yourself. Whisper something to your kid. If it makes more sense in your life, maybe the whisper you need to share is with a partner late at night, or a co-parent, or a friend, or someone who's been supportive. The last question about connection that I want to answer today is about one-on-one time. Dr.
Becky, I know that one-on-one time with my kid is important, but I'm someone who likes the details in their roadmap. I keep thinking I would do it, but what do I do in that one-on-one time? How do I make the most out of it? Are there specific rules I'm supposed to follow? If I only have a few minutes with my kid at the end of the day, how can I get the most out of that time? So the first thing I want to say is I too am someone who loves a roadmap. And I also want to kind of liberate us all from the idea that there's some perfect answer out there that can feel comforting if we think we have it, but it can feel very anxiety-producing when we don't. And any amount of one-on-one time with your kid, where devices are away, where we're just
kind of present, where oddly enough, we're less goal-oriented, like we're not trying to do something the best way, where we're kind of just there, that's really what our kids get so much out of. Now, as a pragmatist, I hear myself hearing that, especially in a moment where I was looking for a specific answer and feeling very, very unsatisfied. So I will share a few guidelines, but I would just love you to take them in as ideas to try on, not outcomes that you need to perfect. Because you'll know in your heart if you have even just five minutes with your kid that felt meaningful. And those five minutes might not follow any of the guidelines I'm about to share. And that
doesn't mean you were doing it wrong. It means you were tuned into something that's very right. So with that in mind, how to get the most out of one-on-one time. First, make it a prescribed amount of time. As you know about me, I think I'm a huge fan of boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and connection go together. And so setting a boundary, like, we're gonna have 10 minutes together in your room, right? And then I'll share some more details about what you can do. But the boundary of the number of minutes also kind of makes it special and makes it less fluid with the rest of your day. You're kind of saying, this is concentrated time together. And that's actually really helpful in defining it. You can also call it something special. So you can call it mommy Risha time, daddy Bobby time, right? Something like that. Again,
it kind of encapsulates it. Okay, two. And this is the hardest one, at least for me. Throw your phone away. And I've said this before, and I'm gonna say it again. I have learned that for me, a phone behind one door, it's just not enough. I don't know, I hear it ding, and I become, I don't know, like a magnet. I'll be in the middle of one-on-one time. I hear my phone, and I say, oh, I'll be right back. I just have to check. And I don't know, in case it was something, quote, important. And then it kind of negates the special time I was trying to have with my kid. I personally need my phone behind two closed doors, or it needs to be off. Highly recommend phone being off if you're
trying one-on-one time. And you can use this, and you get a lot of credit and connection with your kid by saying, I'm on my phone a lot, right? I would love to get some special time together. And you know what I'm gonna do? Not only am I gonna put my phone in my bathroom, I'm gonna turn it off, because my phone can get in my way of really connecting with you. And I'm not gonna let that happen for the next 10 minutes. I think too often as parents, we think we have to hide that, right? Or again, we feel so guilty about being on our phone. I have found the best thing for my guilt is just to own it and name it. And now it's just out there, and I can move forward. Okay, how else can you get the most out of one-on-one time?
Engage in child-directed play. Now, this is where I've had someone say, what does that mean? What do I say? Exactly what I say? This is where I really feel like this is a great opportunity to impart what I really hope to do in our interactions and good inside. If you ever feel like you're mimicking me, I don't feel like that's actually in line with what I'm trying to help you with. I actually want to help you think about mindsets and foundations. So you don't feel like you're mimicking anyone. You feel like you're the strongest, sturdiest, most secure version of you because you're the parent your kid needs. And so when I think about child-directed play, I don't want to give you specific scripts to say because it's almost irrelevant.
The mindset I want you to think about is just my job is to join my kid's world. I'm going to be looking at my kid like they are the most creative, amazing, almost magical. Like, I have to get to know them. Like, I'm an alien from another world. I'm like, who is this interesting human? Who wants to build a block tower? It's almost like I've never seen a block tower. And if I've never seen a block tower before, what might I say? Ooh, you're building a tower. Hmm, lots of red blocks. I'm not going to say, oh, is that a hospital? Oh, do you want to change it into a castle? Like, how would I know? This is my child's world. I am just a visitor.
You want to join their world. Why? Because when it comes to connection, now that you've put a boundary around it, you've called it something. You don't have your phone. Your kid has the single most precious commodity. Your full attention. Your full attention. And during these 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever you have that day.
You just want to attend to them. You're gonna let them pick the activity and them dictate it. You're not gonna ask too many questions because again, that's almost inserting our world into our kid's world. Because this form of attention is going to make your kid feel like the most magical, special, worthy, valuable human being in the world. And that type of connection for a few minutes can really do wonders. I always think about connection like kind of connection capitals. Like we're depositing it in to our kid in their bank account. This type of one-on-one time, no phone, no distractions, not even a lot of questions. I'm just joining my kid's world.
It's like building connection capital on steroids. All right, let's bring this together. Connection matters. Connection does not mean permitting behavior. And anyone who tells you that, oh, don't take it in. We know better. There are hundreds and thousands, millions of us who can separate behavior from identity. We're not connecting to our kid's bad behavior. We're connecting to the good kid underneath who is always there. And especially in a moment of bad behavior, desperately needs our connection.
Remember that even when you're burnt out, there are some tiny things we can do. Start with something for yourself. What do you need to tell yourself? And then even a small whisper counts as very meaningful connection. What's kind of the holy grail of connection when we can? When we can really say, oh, I'm gonna carve out time in my calendar. That one-on-one time. And again, it doesn't have to be half an hour, an hour. If you can't do it every day, you're like most parents. But a few minutes, calling it something, having a boundary, putting your phone away, no distractions, joining our kid's world. That's a really powerful way to build connection. You know, I feel like ending today on the theme of connection
by just really connecting to ourselves. So maybe just make sure your feet are on the ground. Make sure your hand is on your heart.
And just tell yourself something kind. I'm proud of myself. I could have spent my time doing something different. I'm spending my time considering ideas, unlearning, learning, growing.
Then maybe just give yourself one of those compliments. That's that of like a sticker we might see somewhere. I'm awesome. I'm pretty great.
My kids are lucky to have me. I've got this.
And I'll see you next time.
Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com/podcast. Or you could write me at [email protected].
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