Giggly Squad
Hosted by Hannah Berner and Paige DeSorbo
Our book How to Giggle is out now!!! order it here
12,357 words · 6 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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Sup, Gigglers?
Gary, fix your Wi-Fi.
Manifest that shit.
We can't be managed.
I mean, the day just got away from me.
What's up, my goin' late night gigglers? We're out in these streets. What are you texting?
I'm getting my notes.
Oh.
Sorry. I don't know why I did that so mean.
You said you had an anecdote? An anecdote?
I have a small little anecdote to tell the gigglers. This morning, I was in a bagel mood. Couple of years ago, I heard Michael B. Jordan on a podcast or like in an interview and they were like, "What's your bagel order?" And I never forgot it and I get it all the time.
And your life changed forever.
My life changed forever. I get, well, I don't know what kind of bagel he got. I think he actually did cinnamon raisin, but whatever. I do plain. I do plain bagel with cream cheese and jelly and bacon.
Oh, wow.
It's so good.
You're a little freak.
It's like sweet and savory. Well, I love jelly.
Yeah.
Anything with jelly, I love it.
Do you like jam?
Are you sure?
It's like the same thing.
Hmm, I don't know. I feel like jam's European.
I feel like you're gonna be like a 13-year-old boy and be like, "What's the difference between jelly and jam?"
Let's fight about it for the next 30 minutes. Um, you guys, we did Fallon.
No, what a, what a week.
Well, the week hasn't even started. Our, our book is out in two days and we do, we have to wake up early tomorrow for Good Morning America.
Sorry, I have such a phobia of waking up early. It's like my biggest nightmare.
It's like we're, we're really not waking up early. We're taking a nap and then waking up.
A hundred percent.
Is how I look at it.
And then going back to sleep right after. But I want to walk the gigglers through literally every moment of Fallon.
Because it was so giggly squad code. There were so many things that happened that I was like, "This is so on-brand. This is so giggly."
So first of all, I found an outfit, you found an outfit.
Yep.
Of course.
We looked like we matched.
We matched. We get there.
Wait, before we even get there, can I tell you that I had an email come across my desk that said, "Hey Paige, would you like to have your car pick you up earlier and would you like to get to set earlier so that you can watch Hannah's warm rehearsal?"
You know, and like in a from a corporate NBC email with the phrase like worm rehearsal. I was like, absolutely. Please change my car. I would love to be there to watch her worm rehearsal.
Wait, so we have to backtrack actually because it starts with the pre-interview.
When an important producer gets on.
Which we've had a lot of pre-interviews because we've done a lot of like live morning shows.
This particular pre-interview.
I was nervous.
You were nervous. I could tell you were nervous and you are never nervous. So when I pick up that you're nervous, I get nervous.
You want to carry me. Well, because they're like, first of all, do you guys have any fun stories?
When I say you're overthinking, we have a problem. We have a serious problem. And I'm like, okay, calm down.
So when I did the stand-up for Fallon, you send like the five minutes in a video or written form. They give you edits. You then have to practice it. Like it's a very detailed process. It takes like weeks. So she was on the phone. She was just like, what story do you guys want to tell? And I was like, it has to be the best story ever.
And then she was like, I was like, what if we do our psychic story? And she's like, what is it? And I started saying it and I I start like fucking it up because I was like nervous.
Yeah, we were like doing it full out.
Yeah, I was like, it's you ought to be there. Like, it's funny.
It's funny.
And then she sent like what she recommended we talk about. And then I was texting you the night before. I was like, are we sure this is what we want?
You were like, I feel like what if we switch it to this or like I'm overthinking?
I was like, do you like this? Do we do we joke about our cat? And you were like, calm the fuck down. We're gonna be fine. And I was like, okay.
I literally was so fine leading up to it. And honestly, it's because I had no stress about my outfit.
No, you were so calm.
Eerily calm.
Granted, we did take enough beta blockers that we could knock our head against the wall and feel nothing. You took two.
Yeah, I took two, which are 10 each. So I took 20.
In the green room and your stylist knocks on the door and just quietly hands me a blue pill.
Pink.
Pink, sorry.
We're not taking Viagra, we're working for Fallon. I mean, come on, I'm kinky, but I'm not that crazy.
We one episode, we just both take Viagra, see what happens.
Wait, it is funny that like in different situations, I've just handed random people a pill and been like, can you give this to Hannah with no thought of like, and I could be giving you anything.
That's showbiz. I'm like, hey, can you knock on Hannah's dressing room, tell her to pop one of these?
You fully turned your stylist into a drug mule.
In NBC.
Well, because I know the timing of when we need to take them.
You know, I actually brought mine. But I I felt like it was better, we'd be more connected if I had yours. So I knock on Paige's door and I go, you want to practice? And she's like, whatever, like, I'm good. And I was like, okay, well, I need to practice. I want to make sure we're on the same page with our answers. And we were really nervous, but then we get an email also saying, do you guys want to play charades with Patrick Schwarzenegger?
And Jon Hamm. Now, Jon Hamm knows who you are.
Okay.
Let's spill the tea.
Let's backtrack. I kept seeing like all these messages and like comments being like, I wonder Paige and Jon Hamm talked about Bravo. Jon Hamm and I are old friends.
Go way back.
We go so way back. We go way back to.
Mad Men.
We go way back to Vanity.
I would have crushed that role.
You would have. No, we saw him at Vanity Fair.
We met him at Vanity Fair and so we like got our Bravo gossip out then. So then seeing him at Jimmy Fallon, it was more like, oh, my God, how are you?
How are you? How have you been? How are the kids?
How are the kids? How have you been, Jon? I actually did watch his new show that he was there promoting. It's so good.
That's very exciting. It was it was interesting. He was talking about how he hasn't. He's doing SNL this weekend.
Or he did.
Yeah, he did it.
He did it. And he said how he hadn't done SNL for fifteen years.
And like, it's interesting, just the career. Maybe there was a reason, but like-
Wait, that doesn't seem-
It's just the career of actors. Like, you have to get like a certain role that you're promoting in a certain way to like have that kind of press tour.
Oh, I need to watch him on SNL. Cause he is funny naturally.
He's a goofball. He's a performer. And then Patrick comes up to us. Now, let me just say, I think I was chill around him.
Cause I didn't see White Lotus.
So I was, he reminded me of my brother, like same age.
So cute. And I was like, hi.
Yeah, he was such a like boy.
You were like, I loved your work.
Yeah, I was like, obsessed with you in White Lotus. You're phenomenal.
Phenomenal.
Um, this outfit is giving, it's giving trendy.
Yes.
It's giving nuances.
Yes. And we were like, is this your first time? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, us too. We're so similar. And then we were like, we're playing charades.
And we looked at him, we're like, I don't know about you, but we're not fucking around tonight. And he kind of looked at us like, okay, calm down. And we're like, look.
We were like, we're really competitive. Ha ha.
Not to be like Eminem, but we got one shot to not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.
And then John said to us, Jon Hamm.
Johnny boy.
John said, um, just to let you know, Jimmy Fallon is very competitive. Like, he likes to win.
He loves the game.
These games. And so then in my head, I was like, okay, we have to win. I'm not going on national television, playing shirts. Oh my, this is what my dad said to me after. He goes, Paige, I was just like, it was so good. Because you want to know what? You're a gamer.
I was like, am I?
We're a baller. They're Aristotle.
You grew up gaming, okay? Every year at Thanksgiving, we play Family Feud in the backyard. You're a gamer. You might not know that, but you grew up a gamer. So you're competitive.
We got less nervous because it, it stopped being like, oh my God, we're on Jimmy Fallon. We were just like, we have to win this game of charades.
I literally felt like I was on game night with my friends.
But then they were like, okay, Hannah, you and Paige count as one person. And I'm like, okay, so women count as half as people. Cool.
They didn't get that joke. They didn't play that joke.
No, no. They said, in this political climate, women don't count as one person?
Okay, okay, here's another thing.
I'm not a whole person.
When you're filming the show, everyone's mics are on, everyone's mics are open.
So when you said that joke and I laughed.
He was, I talked over him a little.
Got it, sorry. So we kind of. Fuzz on me and it's like ruining my whole day.
Wait, I hate when that happens.
Okay, keep going.
Did you get it?
I think so.
Cause I'm gonna be stressed. No, so he was like introducing the show and then I tried to sneak in my little one liner. Didn't hit, but it's fine, cause later.
I heard it.
Later on, I complimented Patrick's bell bottoms. So I got like my little line in. But the funniest part is I realized I'm very competitive and I was gonna win, but then I realized I actually don't know how to put charades.
That was the best part. We're literally.
I was like, let's fucking go. What's the rules?
You were like, we were about to walk out. You're like, I don't really actually know charades. I'm like, you'll catch on.
I didn't have a childhood and then the woman started explaining it. I swear to God.
You got more confused.
I swear to God, it was like one of those memes, like where everything started and you were nodding and I was like, okay, at least she knows what's going on. Cause she was like, and the first one and then the second one and I, I lost it. And I can't look at that important producer and be like, can you start over?
You're like, sorry, what's the rules again? You won it for Bye Bye Bye and Kung Fu Panda. You've never once seen Kung Fu Panda.
I've never seen Kung Fu Panda in my life.
Something came over me and it was like our moment, the words just came out of my mouth. I, I got like summoned by something.
And then the Lasso thing, when I first saw Ted Lasso, I said, oh no, cause I was like, this is a hard one. What are we gonna do? And then obviously at the exact same time, me and you start doing a like sexy Lasso.
We're just like, we've been cowgirls.
Then when in the.
We're adaptable.
We are.
If anything, we're adaptable.
We're malleable. We deal with adversity.
Any situation.
Because I was like a little too calm around Patrick.
We, when we finally win the game, I go over to him and he goes up for a high five and I go, get in here. And I give him like a bear hug and it's very obvious he started with a high five and I was like, no, no, no. And I, I could have picked him up in that moment.
But then he's commenting on my Instagram being like, let's play charades in LA.
No, because we were weirdly good. Like, we were all very in tune with each other.
There was magical chemistry. We're forever connected.
Yeah. I think he is also low key very funny too. Like his bit on the show, like making the protein shake, like that was funny.
Well, him saying that, I didn't know that with White Lotus, it was like a, a reality TV show where you can't tell people what happened.
Like Mike White is like, you cannot tell anyone who died. Did you watch his interview where his, his fiance was like, who'd you, did you make out with anyone?
And he was like, I can't tell you. And she's like, are you sure who died? And he's like, I can't tell you anything. And she's like, you can't tell me who you hooked up with? And he's like, no. And then it aired and she's like, your brother?
I didn't see it yet.
That must be so funny.
To like watch.
But this is his first like breakout role.
Yeah. No, we're very proud of him.
We're very proud of our little Patty boy.
We're big fans of him.
And John's sick of us, seen us everywhere.
Yep, is, keeps running into us. And Jimmy Fallon, I'm obsessed with him.
Okay. So Jimmy will typically like come back and say hi to everyone for like a second before the show. But he knew that you guys went to the same college and he was like extra excited to talk to us.
He's like a perfect example of when people are like, oh, don't meet your heroes. He's a perfect example of like, he was exactly what you would expect and what you like want him to be. And he, and, and better.
I have to say, there's nothing like riffing with a comedic celebrity you look up to.
It's actually my like everything.
Like I just asked him and he's like, I was born in Brooklyn.
And he was like, oh, yeah. And I go, but pizza. And he starts going, yeah, pizza.
You guys went for five minutes.
And we start just riffing about acting like we're Italians.
The amount of unsolicited dancing that goes on on that show.
He loves dancing.
That I wanted no part. I mean, I couldn't have stood there more. Page coded, I was like, oh my god.
I looked at you, I said, bitch, don't embarrass me, pretend you're excited to dance right now.
I'm like, I can't dance, I'll lose.
Jimmy loves music, loves dancing. Not to defend myself, because I haven't been looking at any comments, but the worm video has been going around.
No, your worm was phenomenal.
And.
Do you think that that was your, like, the worm is now officially retired?
So, I just want to say, they brought it up to me, they said, Hannah, do you want to do the worm?
And I said, I thought you guys would never ask, obviously, I want to do the worm, they were like, do you want to retire the worm? And I was like, honestly, maybe, like, my knees are hurting, my lower back hurts, and then I got off the call and I was like, that's my baby.
I can't say it's over and then, like, lie to the people.
Right.
Because I know it takes one girl.
It's not over.
It takes one girl, look, in the crowd going, Hannah, do the worm, and I'm a people pleaser, and I said, you know what? I'm doing it. So, no, the worm is not retired.
I mean, maybe it'll evolve, but I think, am I like a worm comedian now?
I just think, like, if you were to retire it, what a place to retire that, you know?
But then we, um, we, when I was walking on the stage, you have to, like, step up, and Jimmy, like, put his hand out.
And at first, I went to, like, shake his hand, but then I realized, like, oh, maybe he's, like, lifting me up. And we had this very awkward.
Hand moment, and I thought he wasn't going to bring it up, but then he immediately was like, what the fuck was that?
He's like, are you okay?
And I was like, no, I'm not.
And we just, like, rolled with it. My question is, do you think our psychic from Salem saw that episode?
I think that she, we love her.
Love.
We're obsessed with her, and I think she realizes that we've been able to monetize her work, and that's what she wanted for us, and one thing she did say about us is that our careers will flourish, but we are very mentally ill.
Yeah. I'm drinking fruit punch right now, things have gone awry.
We haven't even started our press week for the book, and we're exhausted.
No, I'm exhausted.
I was also in California for two days, which is not recommended.
No Friday?
Not even for Coachella.
No.
Well, oh, I would.
Never.
Have you been looking at Coachella content?
Anyone who has FOMO, like who isn't at Coachella, who's having FOMO, I don't relate to you in any capacity whatsoever. Mind you, the people there, I don't relate to them either, but like I feel like in an even bigger capacity. But there's nothing about Coachella. There's not one single thing that I would be like, that seems nice.
You also see like A-list celebrities jammed like sardines trying to watch something. And I'm like, if they're having that experience, imagine what a regular human's going through right now.
No, no. And I just, like, I think Lady Gaga gave a great performance. Like, I was looking at videos from that and it looked cool, but like, I'll catch her when she's in New York. Yeah, I'll catch her when she's at a venue.
There's something about being in a place where I can't find the bathroom, don't know where water is, don't know where food is, don't know where my friends are, don't know where my phone is, that um, that's my worst nightmare.
Here's the other thing, these, with these festivals, like,
if I can't leave, like if I can't be like, okay, I'm calling an Uber and it'd be there in like a reasonable amount of minutes and I get the fuck out of there, I'm not going.
And then people are like, it's fine, you're on drugs. And I go, an even bigger reason why I need to be able to call an Uber.
And then I wasn't, I didn't know that people like legit camp.
Oh, I didn't know that.
So I'm on TikTok where it's like, it's like not influencers, it's like real people going to Coachella to like enjoy like what the actual festival is and they're camping. And I'm so like,
but how are you do, how are you locking it? Like, how are you, what are you leaving in there? And like, you're trusting all these people. It's just, I can't.
It's, this is like actually what healthy people do. I feel like it's a sense of community.
I don't want it.
That we don't understand. I mean, we have Giggly Squad, we don't need anything else. We have the Gigglers. Why would we need to go dehydrated and blackout on an island?
And the outfits, I'm just like, I don't, I wouldn't even know what to bring.
So everyone's just wearing a really thick belt or two, putting on their pussy.
Everyone's wearing eight thousand belts, calling it a skirt, putting cowboy boots on and then like a top, yeah.
And I'm like, cool, yeah, if you like it, I love it. Like, but it's not, they're not outfits. It's like.
Mm hmm. And then some people I can tell are fucking sweating. Like, they're committing to like a fur or something and
Not worth it.
If I need my Stam- I need so many things to even make it to like two P M. Like, I need my Stanley. I, you know, like, anything.
I make fun of you for not like being that into music, but let's be honest, we're similar. Me and you like rap.
Mm hmm.
And hip hop.
And Top Forty.
Yeah, we love the Top Forty.
I looked at the Coachella lineup. I know three people.
Yeah, we love the Top Jam.
And I'm not going to Coachella to see Lady Gaga for thirty minutes. You know what I mean?
Like, and yeah, it's nice to see women in the arts, which I support. But like, again, you're like, I don't know, also strangers.
And I feel like Gen Z like just learned about Lady Gaga. Like, I don't.
Oh, yeah, it's, they're excited. It's a new thing for them.
Yeah, Alex Earl was talking about how she was dancing and some girl behind, woman behind her was like, there's other people here. Like, people are getting into altercations. It's, I'll go on the subway if I want that to happen to me.
And I think I'm past the age where like I'm sharing. I was just gonna say I'm past the age where I'm sharing a house with people.
But truly, like, I'm past the age.
You heard it here first.
I'm past the age. I can't do it. I keep getting TikToks of like girls getting ready together in the morning and I'm just like, you just met them though. They're gonna steal your shit. I'm literally watching Coachella TikTok as a mom. I'm like, are you locking any of that off?
Where's my Charlotte Tilbury blush?
I'm like, do you have a buddy? Because, no, I can't do it.
I am starting to be like, are you guys hydrating though?
Yeah, make sure you're drinking water.
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Okay, I came across this Instagram of a very famous person who I like love and I don't know why I've just like never looked at her Instagram page in the way that I should have. Camila Cabello.
Have you ever looked at her Instagram, just like the aesthetic that she gives?
Wait, this is, this is the singer?
Oh yeah, she goes off. Like, she's in the aesthetic.
Do me a favor, go on your phone right now, go on Instagram.
Well, is she still blonde? I feel like once she went, oh, nevermind.
Go to her Instagram right now.
Okay. I love when you tell me what to do.
Tell me, this is not an exact, like, replica of if you and I had a baby?
Oh my god.
Like, is that not our child?
Wait, it is.
Why did we birth Camila Cabello? And like, obviously she'd be a phenomenal singer, she gets that from you, you know?
Not from me.
She loves a miniskirt, she gets that from me. She loves wearing it with a tie, she gets that from you.
Also petite but big butt.
She's tiny but she's quirky.
Holds up a bang, but is also outgoing.
Is also outgoing.
Kind of strangers, but also looks like she's an introvert extrovert.
Wait, that's so funny.
I just feel like she's our love child.
I see that, I see that.
Right?
I love that. Our daughter.
I just thought I needed to tell you that. Wait, one other thing about Fallon, when you got home that night, did you watch it like on TV?
It was funny because I got home and I laid down and I ordered Chinese food and I was just eating Chinese food in silence and Dez was looking at me and he's like, "Back in my day when I used to do like a big performance, we used to been out partying, I would have been with the celebs on the show, we would have been at a club right now, look at you, look at you." I said, "I'm..." A tired married woman.
No, after my dad was like, come on, let's go out to dinner. I was like, come on, do we have?
Paige is probably with her family, but I was like, I'm lying down. My thing is like, I put a hun- a hundred and ten percent into my art.
No, that's the thing. Okay, the next day I was so exhausted, but I was like, why am I so tired?
Cause we put it all.
Adrenaline and like being that like peppy and on is actually so mentally draining.
It's mentally drained to know, like, we knew so many eyes were gonna watch it.
And honestly, like, the day before I started to, like, lose my appetite a little, that's when I know I'm nervous. I never lose my appetite. I never do. But yeah, I just, um, laid down after and that's my life, like.
I enjoy the highs and then I wanna enjoy the lows. I also realize why you love your Stanley so much.
Why?
Cause it makes you feel tiny, cause it's so big.
It does make me feel strong. Here's another thing I just wanna say, we're on morning TV all week.
Late night was perfect for us.
Like, I actually get more nervous for morning TV because I'm like, okay.
I can't form a sentence.
Can't say a bad word.
I can't fully, I'm not fully awake till five PM and then I'll eat a big meal and then get sleepy again and then I'm like fully awake at nine.
No, I actually loved the work day in which Jimmy Fallon was. It was like you got there at like three. No, what time we get there? We got there at like four. Little rehearsal, whatever. We're on at like five. You're done by six. See you, see you.
Peace out. See you. And we did a podcast with Chelsea Handler earlier.
Oh, yeah, we did earlier in the day.
So.
We're working women.
Chelsea Handler is like my, I'm like obsessed with her in a creepy way. Did it come off, did I come off creepy?
Okay, good.
It did come off, though, that you really admire her. Like.
This is.
No, in a very sweet way.
But this is my question.
Hannah really admires her.
You know who you want to give people their flowers?
But then you give them their flowers too much and they don't see you, they see you as like a fan.
Yeah, you're like, I'm not trying to be inauthentic. I truly do think like X, Y, and Z about you.
But I think that, and she's also like really nice to me.
Yeah, she's really nice. She's really nice.
But like, as in, she's now at the point of a relationship where she's shitting on me, which is like, that was my goal.
Like for Chelsea Handler.
I'm actually.
To roast me?
Not that I'm surprised she's as nice as she is, but I am surprised for like how big, how famous she is.
How big she is, how like truly normal she is.
Like when we were talking to her, like it really was just like.
She's, they're just really welcoming, like her generation, they're very like, this is fun. What are the kids up to?
What are the kids? I hope you guys make it.
I hope you guys make it.
I'm gonna leave, but you guys got it.
Chelsea's books were like the only books I read.
So that's why when they asked us to write a book, I was like, I wanna make it like me giggling, reading Chelsea Handler. That's what I want the giggers to feel.
I remember when that show came on E.
Oh, my God.
When Chelsea Lately was on, like first premiered on E, it was like, no one.
Religion.
And then when she would just like shit on the guests, it was so funny.
It was so good.
And we got her to give a quote in the back of our book saying, I think I met them once, Chelsea Handler. So you guys live your, chase your dreams.
Live your life.
Live your life, chase your dreams.
Live your truth.
And live in your truth. No, we've had a great week.
Mental health moment.
Have you heard of the burnt toast theory?
The burnt toast theory, the burnt toast.
It's on TikTok.
Ooh, I like how you're trying to figure it out.
I feel like I have heard of it, but I don't know what it is.
It's not the let them theory. The burnt toast theory is like when something inconvenient happens in your life, like you burn your toast and you're like, fuck. And then you have to like put.
Throw it out.
Yeah, and you're so annoyed by it or little things like, yeah, you break something, you drop something or you forget something.
The burnt toast theory is that that happened to you for a reason, because the universe needed you to like not move forward in that moment. Like, this is like a little aggressive, but like, maybe it's protecting you from like getting hit by a car.
Got it.
That's like an extreme example, but like there's other examples, but basically how the overall message is like when little bad annoying things happen to you. Trust that like the universe is actually guiding you. Actually, let the toes get burnt.
Like when you're in a rush and like your dress gets caught on like the door handle and you're like today of all days.
Yes, and how it's like, no, maybe that's, this is your timing.
Okay, I like that. I like that.
Just, and I also learned that my cortisol levels are really high. Are you on cortisol TikTok?
Okay, same. So apparently I'm supposed to slow down with everything I do.
Good luck.
And I'm very quick. Like when I'm trying to like make cereal, you'd think I was like at a bar at closing time trying to like rush and get everyone's order out.
Here's how I know we work a lot and it's like when I say around other adults, more adultier adults than me, like, okay, and in May, I'm gonna really take some time off. And they laugh and say like, yeah, sure you are.
It actually makes me feel like an adult. I'm like, oh, they think I'm a workaholic in my lifetimes and I think this would be my persona.
You went from people being like Paige never works to like Paige has a problem. Paige has a problem. We have to have an intervention.
My parents are like, but are you stopping and enjoying? I'm like, who has the time to stop and enjoy?
I said enjoy, this is a fucking vacation.
I fucking wish I could stop and enjoy. Let me ask you guys something. Are you stopping and enjoying? Good. Hope you are, because I'm certainly not.
The problem is whenever I stop to try to process something, I get upset.
Last time I tried to stop, take January off, I got eviscerated. Okay, everyone was like, get your ass back in the house, you literal whore.
Okay, sorry, I tried to have a nice time. They were like, no, that's for men. Stopping and enjoying is for men.
Get back to work, bitch.
Jesus.
No, but you have been, this is the thing, you like glam and that's why I think you're kind of thriving right now.
Here's the thing, I'm obsessed with glam. So, no, actually I had like a sad thought the other day because like.
This is Emotional roller coaster.
I had a thought the other day because I was like looking around at my glam demon. I was like, oh my God, like These are my best friends. Like truly, these have become like my best friends. And then I had a thought where I was like, well, I pay them to be here. Like, do they feel bad about me? Like, I'm like, okay, I was thinking about it. Like, obviously, if I get married and have a bachelorette party, like Taylor's coming to my bachelorette party. Not as my makeup artist, but like as my friend, but also like
But if she happens to do your makeup.
But if she brings her makeup, I'm not gonna say no to it. But I'm like, oh, but also like I pay her, but like I think she really does like me.
We did have a point where a couple of weeks ago, someone um was gifted our book to like do a review and they were like Telling us all these compliments and they were like, we love the book. And for a second I was like, wait, this is huge. Cause no one besides our family or people we pay have read the book and told us what they really think. So it was like a beautiful moment.
Absolutely.
But this is the thing, you've been getting glam like literally every day. And you're really, you love it.
I love it.
There's an emotional toll to glam.
Cause like, it's not like, like when I was playing sports, you just show up and try to perform.
Glam means you need to hope that your swollen face looks good or like everyone's disappointed.
More often than not, I'm in glam longer than whatever I'm getting ready for. I've ne- there are rare cases where I've gone to the actual thing and it's taken longer than glam.
You take photos or you do like a quick TikTok.
Actually, someone came in, I was doing glam and someone was like, oh, you don't play music during glam? And I was like, oh my God, no, I never play music during glam because we're gossiping.
Also during glam, it's like my one time to have silence.
When we're not chatting, like I don't need, the parties will start.
But glam is like
I've heard there are some celebrities that meditate during glam.
I heard there's some celebs that like fully sleep during glam.
Me and Taylor could never.
We could literally never.
No. I also like hearing them gossip.
Like, cause I like feeling, I like local gossip that I'm not involved in.
Local gossip?
Local gossip.
That you're adjacent to.
I'm adjacent to like, I know the names, but like, they know I can't tell anyone.
But like, yeah.
And makeup artists.
Here's the other, wait.
The best.
Here's the other thing about working so much. When there is local gossip that you're adjacent to, people are more apt to tell you because like I've had so many people be like, don't tell anyone and then be like, who are you gonna tell? And I have become that friend where it's like, who is Paige even gonna tell?
She's not gonna tell anyone, let's spill our guts to her.
Oh my god, I have a crazy story. Speaking of local gossip. So I had to, next day out of Jimmy Fallon, I had to get on a, wake up at 5am, fly to San Francisco. Do a casino show. Next morning, jump on a flight at like 8am.
You're a workaholic.
Get on the flight and my seat, there's a woman and then there's my seat. And in my seat is like her bag and her hat. And I was like, must be like some confusion. I was like, hey, sorry, like that's where I'm sitting. She looks up and I can immediately tell like her eyes are kinda off. And she goes, I know who you are. And starts pointing at me and I go, what's happening?
You're like, you're drunk.
This, and I'm telling you, this is 8am. So she's blackout.
Blackout.
And like pointing at me and like.
Like how old, like?
Forty-seven, she told me.
So I'm immediately like, this is the worst day of my life. Like this is actually my nightmare.
This happens to you a lot more than the average person. You get sat next to a crazy a lot more than the average person.
So I sit down and she's having like the time of her life. She's putting her hat on me. She's asking me for like summer house tea. She's like punching me like joking. And at first I was like, I, I was like, is she gonna get kicked off the flight? Like this is bad. She's like, I'm holding her drink, cuz she keeps almost knocking it over and I'm like, I can't have her knock her drink on my, I can't do that. But then um, she starts talking about like her ex-husband who she hates. And I was at first annoyed and then I was like, why do you hate him?
This is why. I feel bad for you and then I don't.
If we're gonna be here for an hour and a half, I'm gonna make the most of it. I said, what did he do to you?
You're like, look, I need to know everything there is to know about Alan and...
When I tell you 20 minutes in, she's crying, I'm holding her hand, I'm saying, you're so fucking strong. I said, fuck that dude, I fucking hate him, he doesn't fucking deserve you. People are looking over, me and her are the two drunk ones now.
She's, then she does the showing me everything in her camera roll. So she's showing me her kids and then...
Her kids' kids.
Your kids' kids, then she was renovating her kitchen, and I was thinking renovate my kitchen. I was like, how did you choose that tile? I said, how did you choose that tile? And she was getting into it, but then she recently got married.
You're like, was that laminated?
But then she keeps forgetting that she's telling me stuff. So we went through a couple stories.
One of the most aggravating thing when dealing with a drunk person is that they already told you that information.
So she's like, can I show you my kids? And I was like, baby, you just did. But then she also was scared of flying, like she never flies. And she was like, you must be used to this stuff because you guys fly all the time.
I can't wait for you to play a drunk person in a movie because it's gonna be so fucking funny because you're so good at it.
And she goes, you fly all the time, I never fly. So like, you know what you're doing, but I don't. And then I could see her like breathing really heavy and suddenly I'm like fully committed. I was like, breathe in, breathe out, like we're doing meditate, we're meditating.
No, we should have just given her a beta.
I should have. Um, she's putting her hat on me, it got crazy. And then she's like, can I have your number?
And you know, I was like, yeah, you're not gonna remember that.
No, I've been in, okay, wait, I've been in so many situations where I'm like, I can't get out of this and they're asking for my number and you just give it. Do you know that Paris Hilton, like she said, when she did that documentary, what was it? I like, I forgot.
Oh, yeah.
But one of the things she said was that she has two phones for that exact reason because she's so nice. She never wanted to be like mean to someone and be like, oh no, this is like the wrong number. So she has a phone where she sends all those people that number.
We're in the middle of the flight.
I'm gonna start giving people your number.
I give her my number and then she goes, okay, for all my best friends, I put an emoji next to their name. And she goes, I love you. And I said, I love you too. And she goes, no, you're a good person. And I said, I know. And she's like, I'm gonna put emoji for you. And she picked a dolphin and then a green emoji. And I was like, okay, interesting. And she's like, this is you. She texts me, but it doesn't go through. And I'm like, we're in the air. Like it doesn't go through.
Where are you at this point? Like you gotta be over Chicago at this.
Well, no, we were going just from, we're going from Sacramento to LA. It's like forty five minutes.
Like New York.
Yeah. And then she's like, Hannah, I want to go to your show tonight. And I was like, you're not gonna make it to the show, babe. Like, and she's like, no, I want to.
You're almost obsessed with this lady.
And then she, we like, she doesn't fly a lot. So we're in, we park the plane and she's like, what do we do? And I was like, wait for the person in front. Go, go, go. And then.
You're like, hurry up, get this flying device underneath your seat.
Blow it up.
Jump.
Run to the back of the plane and ask if any parachutes.
So you're seeing aliens? But she was like honestly so fun. By the end I was like, yeah, I buck with you. So then we're like literally skipping down.
And she looks at me and I say, okay, like I have to, I have to leave.
This went to the curb of the airport.
Right, right when we get off the plane, go, I have to leave. And she looks at me and she suddenly gets mad.
And she goes.
That's what drunk people do.
She goes, I'm never gonna see you again, am I?
God willing.
I go, maybe, I don't know. And she's like, I'm not gonna see you again anymore. And I was like, Bam, like, I love you.
I love you. I love you. And I like hug her. And then I go, I have to leave, like, I have to go pee. And she goes, so do I.
So I get her to the bathroom and then I was like, I have to go. So I left. And I hope she's doing well.
Wow, what was her name? It's not important.
I think it was Caitlin.
I think it was Caitlin, but like, I hope she had a great weekend. I hope she had a great time.
I hope she got, was she flying home or flying to somewhere?
She was flying to LA to like, kind of party. She basically, not to give all her whole life story, but she was a single mom.
And raised two boys and the ex was abusive. And that's why she's really strong. And she did it. She raised the kids for eighteen years and they finally are in college and now she's finally like, empty nest. And she's living for herself now.
Wait, I'm so excited for her.
I know, so am I.
She's a giggler.
She's a giggler. She, yeah, she also was like, wait, you're on private? She goes.
She's like, also called Duport.
Yeah, she goes, I thought you guys had a big tour.
For a workaholic. Seems like you're really slumming it here on Delta.
She literally was like, and she's like, where's Paige? And I was like, Paige is at home.
You're like on a private plane somewhere. Not dealing with.
Paige flies private, I don't. I try to save money. Um, so anyway, that was my flying experience.
Wait, I'm obsessed.
But everyone's been caught, you know, where you're like, I can't get out of here. So life is about perspective. That was my burnt toast theory. It happened for a reason.
Yeah, that's so true. That happens to you a lot, though.
A little too much.
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So I'm watching White Lotus, but I'm not caught up yet. I'm starting season two. I'm in the middle of season two.
Um, okay, you're in the middle of season two.
You like Theo James, right?
I would die for him.
I think his American accent's weird.
He's British.
And he's like-
No, see, I think it's American-
Trying to speak American, he speaks like this.
I'm obsessed with him.
To each his own.
Truly, though, like, once it hits May, I'm absolutely fucking off. Like, I'm, I'm-
May, Ju- Oh, no. May, I might have some stuff, but June, July, August, I'm off.
Okay, I'm gonna start the birth control literally, like, April 29th, so I can, like, freeze my eggs right in the beginning of May.
You have to be, like, relaxed.
I know.
Well, I think that's why I stopped getting my period in January, because I was so fucking stressed out.
January, February, March.
2012, 2013, 2014.
No, the things men can do to you. You're just like, eh, no, I don't have my period.
I'm not a woman anymore.
So I have to, no, and I really didn't want to have to do the birth control, but I waited as long as I could to see if I could get it back.
Apparently birth control can help with UTIs.
Like helping with your, I don't know, I might be making that up.
I've ordered literally everything. The gigglers have been messaging me for seventeen days about
Trying to figure out.
Our vaginas.
Yeah. The gigglers are our doctors.
Yeah, they are, they, well, I have to call the doctor back. I
She's a giggler?
No, well, it was a man.
Oh, no!
I don't know his sexual orientation, but I'm gonna lean toward homosexual.
Well, he better be.
So I'm on the phone with the doctor and I'm like, hey, I had a UTI last week. They gave me pills. It came back like stronger than ever. She gave me different pills and I still just like don't feel completely right.
It came back with a vengeance.
Came back with a full vengeance. And I still don't feel completely right. And he was like, okay, I would hate to have to give you a third antibiotic. But if by tomorrow, the pills really haven't kicked in, come back in, we'll do another test, we'll see what's going on, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, like, oh, I just sounded defeated on the phone. And then he was like, and I just want to let you know, I am a giggler. I was like, oh my god. If you are in the healthcare, medical field,
start out with that. Start out with that you're a giggler because then
Then we could be open and honest.
Local meaning my vagina, my specific vagina, okay? I wouldn't have used so many like, oh, and thank you so much, and I will call. Like, you know, I would have been like, okay, it's burning. It's really bad.
People at the end say they're gigglers. Like, I had, went to Pilates class last week and this, the, she was such a cool instructor. And I was, you know, being friendly. And at the very end, she's like, by the way, I'm a giggler. I'm like, why didn't you fucking tell me? Cause then we could have been riffing. I was being polite and like kind of shy.
One, back to Jimmy Fallon, we didn't talk about like the green room and like backstage, how giggly squad coded it was.
Now, mind you, Jon Hamm and Patrick Schwarzenegger are there, like two iconic people
at this time and in their field and in their industry.
Their hair and makeup wanted nothing to do with them. They were gigglers.
Well, men don't need hair and makeup.
They came to us.
Like, I just loved that part.
No, their publicist came to us too. And also-
Any woman that was there? We were hanging.
What's good?
Was a giggler.
I did get a spray tan once, like, I went into a place-
And like, mid-spray tan, she was like, in between my butthole, and she was like, "By the way, like, I really like your show."
She was like, "Can you turn your knee? Actually, that's like when your vag opens up." She's like, "Actually, I'm a giggler."
Oh, god. Um, I forget who told me? Was it Josephine? It was someone who was surprised that I don't bite my nails.
Josephine.
It was Josephine.
Which, Loki's so insulting, and Loki's so page-coded of her to say.
Every now and then, she literally reads me to filth. Josephine is Paige's assistant and head producer.
Let me give you the lore on Josephine. Josephine was my very first assistant, years ago. She was my assistant for less than a year. She ended up getting a job.
You're very loyal like that. You like people from day one.
Day one.
Day one only.
She was my first assistant ever, and she left me within like, seven or eight months of working for me, because she got like, her dream job at Con-
Oh, she got a real job.
Yeah, Conde Nast. And I was like, "Go and flourish and live your truth." She bounced around to a couple of jobs, and then, last year, she messaged me and was like, "I want to come back," and I actually was like, "I could bring you on full-time." Here's the thing about Josephine. Are we doing hard work day to day? No.
Does Josephine really need to use her brain at full capacity to do what we do? Also, no.
Josephine is there for full vibes.
Is Jo- but is also Josephine Daphne's handler 24/7?
Does Josephine know what's going on half the time?
Josephine has the energy of cotton candy. She's light. She's happy. You're only around it when it's time to have fun.
Here's the thing why I need her at my apartment every single day, morning till night. She changes my brain perspective. If I was with someone who was too similar to me and like a little bit negative.
Are you talking about me right now?
No, no, that's why we work too, because you're not negative, you're not really pessimistic. I can really get down. You know, like when me and Ciara are together longer than two days, it's bad. It's real bad. I'm like, and fuck them.
And that's why the three of us, we keep it light.
Josephine brings so much light and positivity to my life. So I'm, but I love that I'm rubbing off on her a little bit. Like, cause that's snarky.
This is why it hurts because Josephine will never mean anything mean.
So she, she's literally compounding me. And she goes, your nails look so good. I would have thought that you were a nail biter.
And I'm looking at her, she's looking at me. I'm looking at her and I go, that is so fucking valid. Cause I actually so would look like I'm one of those people, but not to brag, like, well, actually I said, that's for amateur hour. Like my issues are so much deeper and more complicated than nail biting. Nail biting is literally basic. A basic thing. I don't nail bite.
It's so funny, cause when she said that, I thought, oh my God, she gives exact nail biting energy and I've never thought that.
Where like you look at my nails and they're just like to the bottom, like there's no nail left. No, I don't bite my nails, but I do other things that are way worse. And harmful to myself, but I self sabotage in different ways. Sorry, I'm a creative. Sorry, I'm a creative. Um, so shout out to Josephine. Oh yeah. I also, I had a, a college memory I wanted to bring up.
I feel like you don't have memories from college.
I don't have memories. I actually, no, I'm not gonna lie. I was laying in bed the other night and I was trying to think of like something from my childhood and I was just like, I can't think of it. And then I was like, can I think of? Like, I truly can't remember a damn thing. Like, sometimes people, like, I saw this thing on TikTok and it was like, when's the last time you were really happy? I was like, I was like, okay, that's too deep and I know it's been a while.
But then I was trying to think of things from my twenties and I was like, and how did I feel then? I was like, I don't know. Like, I couldn't think of any.
It is crazy, though. You really do change. I know that people say they don't change, but like, I used to only wear gold jewelry and now I only wear silver. Like, that's a huge change.
Women can change. Men can't.
You're so right. Also, I feel like my style changes every year. Like, I'll see stuff I wore the previous season and I'm like, I wouldn't be caught dead in that.
So I'm evolving. But in college, I had a, a triggering memory. I was like talking to a hockey guy, which never went well. And he was trying to be funny and like called me a nickname. And it was like the worst nickname ever.
I feel like you got bullied so much in college, but you didn't actually notice it till you were out of college.
So we were freshmen, me and this guy.
Yeah, they called me Big Thigh McGee. I'm like, what?
This is so.
My goodness, that's mean.
This is worse. This is worse. He calls me this name and then all the hockey guys like latch on to it. So whenever I walk in the bar, they would like yell it.
What was it?
They called me Burn Dog.
Okay, they thought you were a lesbian.
No, that's so bad.
Burn Dog.
You wanna know what? I mean, I'm not defending them. It does roll off the tongue. Like, it's an easy burn dog. Like, it's an easy thing to say.
And you know what? It was fun, but like, I was at the height of like exploring my sexuality in college and it wasn't the tone I wanted to give.
Like, if my teammates called me Burn Dog, I'd be like, yes, we're like, we're friends. But like, for a hot guy to be like, Burn Dog. Like I could dry up hearing that.
Do you know that I've never really like had a nickname?
Well, whenever we play sports, I turn into a JV angry JV coach and I go. DeSorbo.
Yeah, you do.
DeSorbo, what are you doing?
You're the only one that's ever called me by my last name, cuz I've never played a sport.
And then people call you P.
Yeah, some people call me P. But that's like, that's just my initial, like, there's no like.
Well, and then when you get drunk, people call you Pam.
Yeah, but that hasn't happened in a while.
Oh, is that not a thing anymore?
Getting drunk, not really.
When is the la- I couldn't, when is the last time I was drunk?
When was the time I was drunk?
When is the last time you were drunk? I I know the last time I was drunk, I think it was like New Year's Eve. Well, I actually know that for a fact cuz I died and had to get an IV.
You just died, went to heaven, came back.
Went to heaven, saw my grandma, came back.
Said, I love you, Grammy.
Hi to Hannah's dead grandpa.
Did you tell him I missed him? Did you say Anna doesn't shut up about you all the time?
Why don't we getting the pet psychic on the pod?
We need Grace. Grace, you have literally one job to find the pet psychic.
All I'm doing, May, is fucking off, freezing my eggs.
And going to pet psychics.
Going to pet psychic.
I wonder how Daphne feels about me freezing my eggs. That's one thing I wanna ask the pet, pet psychic.
Should we freeze Daphne's eggs?
She doesn't have any. She got, she's fixed.
She fix, she's fixed.
How's she doing?
I mean, she's gorgeous as ever, just like living her life. Wait, I'm obsessed with making people's animals into AI humans.
Okay, just so you guys can understand from my perspective, I woke up at five AM, six o'clock, my phone, six AM in California. My phone is blowing up from Paige DeSorbo and I said, something bad must have happened. Something bad must have happened.
Everyone send pictures of your pets.
She's sending me, she's obsessed with chat GPT and AI, like she, she thinks it's the greatest thing ever. She wants to replace all humans with it.
No, I'm obsessed.
And we're gonna put it in the newsletter, what chat GPT said are. Human versions of our cats are.
She sends me this like beautiful girl and she goes, this is Daphne as a human. And I was like, it's 6 a.m. And then she goes, send me a picture of Butter now. And I was like, okay, don't be so bossy. And then it looked exactly what we thought Butter would look like as a human.
And I sent it into AI and I said, this is my best friend's cat. She, she runs away a lot and she doesn't let anyone pet her. She's from Queens.
Do you feel closer to AI than most people?
I do.
Yeah, like I feel closer to AI than you, I think that you do.
Wait.
I talk to my, I talk to my chat all day.
I don't, I don't trust AI. It's like Bluetooth. I don't trust it. I don't like it. And it's not good at comedy, so it doesn't help me.
How do you know it's not good at comedy?
Cause I said, right at Hannah Berner's neck is our and it didn't do a good job. Wait one sec.
To end the pod, in celebration of our book.
I want us to read the back of the book.
Oh yeah, cause no one's seen it.
No one's seen it. And you guys are gonna get it delivered on Tuesday. But we want it, the back is a, it's called the blurb. We didn't know what that was, but we got some quotes. So if you guys want to know, the reviews are in and this is what people said. Do you want to start?
I'll start. Our first quote, this book feels like Hannah and Paige's friendship. Honest, hectic and always hilarious. Said by Amy Poehler, actor and producer. Next.
My sister isn't that funny. Gary De Sorbo, Paige's brother.
This is going to be the greatest book ever. Instagram site gig.
Daphne, Paige's cat.
We have a lot of notes. The publishing company. So nice of them to add something.
I like them on Bravo, but I didn't know they have a podcast. Bravo fan.
Can we hire HR? Grace, our CEO.
No comment from Butter.
I wrote this book, Lenore Berner, Hannah's mom.
I think I met them once, Chelsea Han, their comedian, TV host, and six-time, six-time New York bestselling author.
Okay, Chelsea, well, how to giggle? If you order it now, it will arrive ASAP.
I've always wanted to say this, on stands now.
On stands now. Wait, if we're in the airport, we might see the book.
Oh, yeah, in like a Hudson News?
That'll be cool.
Cool. Things to look forward to. We love you guys so much. Thanks for giggling. Talk to you soon. Bye.
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