The War of The Noses | Agincourt (Part 1)

This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at surfshark.com/fvh We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that goes down a on widow with me Shall be my brother. Agincourt (Part 1) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened. For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon patreon.com/fintaylor Chapters: 00:00 God Fearing Erection 08:01 Give Succor to Widows 12:44 Too Many Sons 18:28 Henry V 21:57 The Only Welsh History 25:21 Where is the Dopamine? 28:38 Clarkson’s Skin Care Routine 35:43 Mentally Ill French King 43:42 Least Horny French Woman 48:26 Medieval Rage Bait Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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• 1:42Speaker 05

  Welcome back to Thing vs. History. Joining me is Horatio Gould.

• 1:46Speaker 06

  Hello.

• 1:46Speaker 05

  Today, we're talking about the Battle of Agincourt.

• 1:49Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:50Speaker 05

  Now...

• 1:50Speaker 06

  This is a big one. This is one of my five pillars of Islam.

• 1:52Speaker 05

  Yes. For those who are only listening, I'd like to point out that my co-host, Mr. Gould, is completely erect.

• 1:59Speaker 06

  He's got a raging lob on.

• 2:00Speaker 05

  You've got a raging lob on. It's...

• 2:02Speaker 06

  An austere, pious, God-fearing lob on, much like Henry V himself.

• 2:06Speaker 05

  The worst, the worst kind. An austere, an austere erection. An erection.

• 2:10Speaker 06

  Women, stay alone. Stay away. I'm erect for God. That's it. That's the sort of...

• 2:15Speaker 05

  I won't eat. I will be smothering this with a pillow.

• 2:17Speaker 06

  A God-fearing warrior king erection.

• 2:19Speaker 05

  Now, you know, we're in the medieval period. Longtime listeners will know I'm uncomfortable here.

• 2:23Speaker 06

  You hate periods and the medieval ages, so...

• 2:25Speaker 05

  It's two for two. Yep. It's lose-lose.

• 2:29Speaker 06

  I do hope you might come round to this, because this is, I think we both had different patriotic historical upbringings, both actually centered around Bernard Cornwall, which I found out. The man Bernard Cornwall...

• 2:40Speaker 05

  Cornwell.

• 2:41Speaker 06

  Cornwall. We've been saying, we've been calling him Cornwall, but it's Cornwell. Is it? Okay, right, right. He's always Cornwall to me, to be honest, because I read his book on Agincourt from the perspective of a longbowman from Oxfordshire, and that sort of exploded my brain. I had a sort of ayahuasca trip when I was nine years old reading that, whereas he's the man behind the Sharp series, which is kind of your...

• 3:00Speaker 05

  What did you call Sharp when we did a page on it?

• 3:02Speaker 06

  I did say it was retard stuff, which I do regret. I do regret, because I was really young.

• 3:07Speaker 05

  This is not your king as well, yeah? You call your king a retard stuff, an also retard stuff.

• 3:10Speaker 06

  Now, what is Bernard Cornwall's favorite meal?

• 3:12Speaker 05

  What do you think it is? What do you think it is?

• 3:14Speaker 06

  Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

• 3:15Speaker 05

  Yeah. He's a fucking platriot. Of course he is.

• 3:17Speaker 06

  He's the biggest platriot of all time.

• 3:19Speaker 05

  He's mentioned this meal is surprisingly hard to find in the United States, though his wife has learned how to roast potatoes properly. He's married to an American.

• 3:27Speaker 06

  Right, okay.

• 3:28Speaker 05

  He also enjoys black pudding, because he's a fucking platriot. Is that a crime these days? Nowadays, it is.

• 3:32Speaker 06

  Now, these days.

• 3:33Speaker 05

  These days? You can't find roast beef anywhere in this country, right?

• 3:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 3:37Speaker 05

  Look at him smoking a pipe. Why's he got dreadlocks there? What's, why is...

• 3:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, I don't, definitely don't think Cornwall should be having dreadlocks.

• 3:44Speaker 05

  Is he, was he an actor in something?

• 3:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, I must be.

• 3:47Speaker 05

  Why is Bernard Cornwall, I don't, I think this is the opposite of a white man with dreadlocks.

• 3:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 05

  He's surely playing...

• 3:51Speaker 06

  I think that's just dirty hair.

• 3:52Speaker 05

  Now, yeah, so you're, this is your Sharp.

• 3:54Speaker 06

  This is my Sharp era. I think Agincourt, of all the sort of jingoistic, patriotic histories, I think this probably fires me up the most.

• 4:03Speaker 05

  And why do you think that is? Because it's so long ago.

• 4:05Speaker 06

  It's so long ago. I think the truth is, is, so you look at like Dunkirk, probably the most consequential one, but it's a sad beach and it's a retreat, so that doesn't really fire me up. Trafalgar, we were always gonna win that one. It felt like it was sort of, we would sort of, we're bodying people at sea so much.

• 4:23Speaker 05

  9/11 at 3 hours an hour.

• 4:24Speaker 06

  No, no, no. Trafalgar's up there.

• 4:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:26Speaker 06

  Waterloo is great, but it's sort of, Napoleon is the star of that story nonetheless, really. He, it's still, it's told in regards to Napoleon, whereas Agincourt, the odds against you, it's the greatest English victory of all time, and I feel like, I don't know, it feels the purest to me. It feels like it's the least cut with anything. It's not a coalition, it's not all this complexity. Even the military tactics aren't super sophisticated and complicated. It's, there's a purity there.

• 4:54Speaker 05

  I'll give you the French bucket from the off.

• 4:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, sure, but it's, what a bucket it is.

• 4:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, no, no.

• 5:00Speaker 06

  The odds being stacked against England and coming out, that's sort of what fires me up.

• 5:05Speaker 05

  Well, this is, this is the origin of the, of the English underdog story. It's this battle. And I will say, the battle itself does fire me up.

• 5:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 5:12Speaker 05

  However, the context of the battle, I am at sea, and so what I'm going to do this episode is I'm going to let, much like I do sometimes with my wife.

• 5:19Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 5:20Speaker 05

  I'm going to let you drive for a laugh.

• 5:21Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 5:21Speaker 05

  And I will be sat here commenting when you get it wrong. And I will, when we get to part two, I will be parking it for you, okay?

• 5:27Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 5:28Speaker 05

  I will be parking this. When we get to Agincourt, I will be parking the car.

• 5:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:32Speaker 05

  You will leave it at a right angle, several yards away from the curb.

• 5:34Speaker 06

  But this is, this whole history, it's kind of marbled with boy and girl history, right? So I had to call my sister, who's an expert on like the War of the Roses. She didn't...

• 5:44Speaker 06

  What was that, Charlie? Was it me saying my sister?

• 5:48Speaker 07

  Luchia, right?

• 5:49Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 5:50Speaker 07

  She's a nice lady.

• 5:50Speaker 05

  Say her name.

• 5:51Speaker 06

  Say her name.

• 5:52Speaker 07

  Luchia. Luchia, Gould, you make me sad. You make me crazy.

• 6:00Speaker 06

  But basically, because this, there's the kind of, people blackout, because it goes from boy to girl history in such a jarring way, this period.

• 6:08Speaker 05

  Yes, it does.

• 6:08Speaker 06

  Because you've got the War of the Roses, which is a lot of dynastic, sort of Real Housewives stuff.

• 6:11Speaker 05

  Boring.

• 6:12Speaker 06

  Yeah? But then you have Agincourt, the English longbow, which no one seems to know about.

• 6:17Speaker 05

  I said to my wife, I said, we're doing Agincourt, and she went, what? She's got a history degree.

• 6:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 6:21Speaker 05

  She got a first.

• 6:21Speaker 06

  I'm so surprised. People should, everyone should know this.

• 6:24Speaker 05

  I told my dad we were doing this, and he went, we were there. And I went, what? And he went, we've been there. We've walked the ground at Agincourt. On a family, I don't remember this, on a family holiday, we were near staying in France, and on the way back, he said, let's stop and look at Agincourt.

• 6:36Speaker 06

  That's a good dad.

• 6:36Speaker 05

  And we walked the ground.

• 6:37Speaker 06

  You walked, you didn't realize you walked the ground?

• 6:39Speaker 05

  I didn't realize I was walking the ground. Now, I remember, as I said before...

• 6:42Speaker 06

  You walked so many grounds.

• 6:43Speaker 05

  Well, my dad, my dad got so, he was leaving the house, and he came back in, and we'd been there. We walked the ground. I remember we walked the D-Day beaches. I remember that viscerally, because he made us put heavy backpacks on and run up the beach, right? He timed us.

• 6:56Speaker 06

  But you didn't fire a longbow at Frenchmen?

• 6:58Speaker 05

  No, no, no.

• 6:59Speaker 06

  You must have been younger.

• 7:00Speaker 05

  No.

• 7:01Speaker 06

  Let's do the context to the, to the Hundred Years' War. So basically...

• 7:05Speaker 05

  Oh, he's put the key in wrong. Oh, she's fucked it. Oh, she's pulled out. Not, not checked the mirror. This is fallout from 1066, right?

• 7:13Speaker 06

  Yeah. So it's a, it's the, it's a Norman aristocracy who have come over to England, right? So it's sort of, you could argue, it's almost a civil war amongst the Norman noble class, really. The idea of England and France don't only really come into being over the Hundred Years' War, because it doesn't really exist as a thing. There's still loads of territorial claims from William the Conqueror, the Normans, and that's why the Hundred Years' War sort of starts. It's, English kings feel they have lands in France that they're owed.

• 7:43Speaker 05

  But it's also, isn't, because William the Conqueror is a Norman duke, but he's English king.

• 7:47Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 7:48Speaker 05

  So he's still subservient to...

• 7:49Speaker 06

  A vassal to the French king.

• 7:50Speaker 05

  To the French king, and so are his heirs. So this eventually comes to a head in, what year does it all kick off?

• 7:56Speaker 06

  I think about the mid 1300s.

• 7:59Speaker 05

  Right.

• 7:59Speaker 06

  And that's Edward III. He's the kind of big, kind of pre-Henry V English warrior king who leads many great battles. Basically, what you do to get honor and chivalry, which is a very important part of this period, you say, let's take a chunk out the French.

• 8:16Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 8:16Speaker 06

  That will fire me up. Fair enough. You get on a boat, you go to France, and then you do, what's it called? Chevuché, which is when you basically just sort of burn down a Frenchman's farm and you're walking around. You basically fuck up the French so that they distrust their leaders, because it's a show of chivalry to show your leader cannot look after you. It's not even looking to take over the land necessarily. It's just to mess some, mess some shit up. And all these great battles all have the same beats. So Cressy in 1346, one of the first great longbow battle, Edward III goes over, he sets fire to all these farms and stuff. He's just running riot, and then a massive French force starts chasing after him. He's like, oh, fuck. And eventually, he just holds his

• 9:00Speaker 06

  ground and then does the exact same thing that they do in Agincourt, basically, which is use longbowmen against the French mounted knights and fucks them up, basically. And then that happens again in the Battles of Patie, which is the, his son, the Black Prince, he was another...

• 9:17Speaker 05

  Amen.

• 9:17Speaker 06

  Well, the Black Prince gets stopped a lot by...

• 9:19Speaker 05

  Unsearched.

• 9:20Speaker 06

  Yeah, stops the search a lot. So that is, it's quite a tragic story on that front. It's this background of like, you get chivalry by going over to France, fucking them up. That's where, you know, you get kind of honor, basically.

• 9:31Speaker 05

  Now, chivalry obviously isn't really a thing anymore because women can vote, and that was the trade that we said. We said, we won't hold the door open for you, because now you're a fully fledged member of society.

• 9:41Speaker 06

  But do you know much about the chivalry? This is a kind of big part of, it's basically like a code of honor for mounted knights.

• 9:48Speaker 05

  It's when English, England was Japanese.

• 9:52Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 9:53Speaker 05

  Yeah. It was codified autism.

• 9:55Speaker 06

  Yes, for sure. That's a good way of putting it. There, there's actually a code of chivalry. Can we get that, the Knights' College?

• 10:00Speaker 05

  No eye contact. Look at trains when you're anxious.

• 10:03Speaker 06

  Yep.

• 10:04Speaker 05

  Fuck you, mum.

• 10:05Speaker 06

  Draw octopus porn. I think that's part of the English-Japanese. Duty to God, protect the weak and defenseless. It's all fucking...

• 10:13Speaker 05

  Give sucker to widows. Now, what does that mean? Give sucker. No.

• 10:17Speaker 06

  You spit on that fang?

• 10:19Speaker 05

  No, it's not, it's not giving cunny to widows, although that is quite chivalrous.

• 10:23Speaker 06

  That is a chivalrous thing to do, to give...

• 10:25Speaker 05

  I only go down on widows.

• 10:27Speaker 06

  Is cunnilingus chivalrous?

• 10:29Speaker 05

  This is what a finnness looks like. To give succor to widows means to provide vital help, comfort and financial or emotional support to women who lost their husbands.

• 10:36Speaker 06

  What does that mean?

• 10:37Speaker 05

  Well, it could be going down on them if that, you know.

• 10:40Speaker 06

  Right. So chivalry is basically if women have no rights, be nice to them. That's sort of the rule.

• 10:47Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 10:48Speaker 06

  Right? Okay. So, yeah, it's a sort of, it's a sort of.

• 10:51Speaker 05

  But now, obviously, women are doing better than boys in education.

• 10:54Speaker 06

  So they should be chivalrous to us?

• 10:55Speaker 05

  They should be.

• 10:56Speaker 06

  Yeah. They should be holding door open for us.

• 10:57Speaker 05

  They should be wanking us off as they go through doors. We would love that.

• 11:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:01Speaker 05

  That's the problem.

• 11:01Speaker 06

  That's the problem.

• 11:03Speaker 05

  That's the difference, actually.

• 11:03Speaker 06

  If we got spanked on the way through, it'd be a real.

• 11:06Speaker 05

  That'd be for us.

• 11:07Speaker 06

  In my step.

• 11:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:08Speaker 06

  Go on, Charlie.

• 11:09Speaker 07

  And if you were chivalrous to a lady dwarf in a wheelchair, is that kind of triple? Is that like, do you get more and more and more, the more?

• 11:19Speaker 05

  Then why are you doing it, I guess is the point. If you're opening a door for a lady dwarf in a wheelchair and then you're like wanting a medal for that, do you know what I mean? This is where chivalry starts to become a bit.

• 11:31Speaker 07

  Transactional.

• 11:31Speaker 05

  Yeah. You know?

• 11:33Speaker 06

  What if she's a widow?

• 11:34Speaker 05

  Well, then you should get on your knee.

• 11:36Speaker 06

  Start sucking.

• 11:37Speaker 05

  Get on your knees and start giving succor to that lady dwarf in a wheelchair.

• 11:40Speaker 06

  Get that family bucket round your face.

• 11:47Speaker 06

  Anyway, back to the, to the dynastic rivalries of the 1300s.

• 11:52Speaker 05

  To respect the honour of women, which I guess doesn't really track with giving succor to widows.

• 11:58Speaker 06

  Well, I don't know. I don't.

• 11:59Speaker 07

  You can do it in an honourable way.

• 12:01Speaker 06

  They're not getting any succor.

• 12:02Speaker 05

  Also to persevere to the end in any enterprise begun. That's just good, good cunnilingus practice.

• 12:08Speaker 06

  Yes. So finish them off, basically. Yeah. Don't get, say, my jaw hurts, that's not chivalrous.

• 12:15Speaker 05

  You've got to be like, you've got to be like Italy in major tournaments. Don't get knocked out and you'll end up in the final.

• 12:20Speaker 07

  Do you shout, "Charge!" when you go in there?

• 12:22Speaker 05

  In my head sometimes.

• 12:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  Charge!

• 12:25Speaker 06

  Well, you do a big, I do the, I do the Henry the Fifth speech from Ashencore. Sum up the blood, stiffen up the sinews.

• 12:30Speaker 05

  Once more onto the breach, dear friend!

• 12:32Speaker 06

  I say, "Gry Godfear, Harry, England and St George" before I go down on a woman.

• 12:36Speaker 05

  We few, we marry few. We ban the brother. Yeah, there's a few of us, actually. There's a few guys in the wardrobe.

• 12:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's a group. I mean, group cunnilingus, you don't see, because I imagine.

• 12:47Speaker 05

  You don't see.

• 12:48Speaker 06

  You know, in, in sort of group sex videos, you'd see, there'd be a lot of.

• 12:54Speaker 05

  Handheld aloft to our producer.

• 12:55Speaker 06

  There'd be, and correct me if I'm wrong, there'd be a lot of, there'd be a lot of women around one knob, right?

• 13:01Speaker 05

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 13:01Speaker 06

  But you don't, wouldn't see the same for a one fanny and lots of men kind of vying to get their face involved.

• 13:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:10Speaker 06

  Would you say?

• 13:11Speaker 05

  I've never seen that.

• 13:11Speaker 06

  I don't think that's like, that's not a trope.

• 13:14Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 13:14Speaker 06

  Whereas a big fantasy.

• 13:15Speaker 05

  Sit on, sit on their face.

• 13:18Speaker 06

  I imagine a big sexual trope for men, a big sexual fantasy, is many women squabbling over your knob, wouldn't you say?

• 13:24Speaker 05

  Oh, let me have a go, I want to go, oh, fuck off.

• 13:27Speaker 06

  Sort of, yeah, the Macbeth witches.

• 13:29Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 13:30Speaker 06

  But instead of one eye, it is just your knob going into their mouths, right?

• 13:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:34Speaker 06

  But you don't have, that doesn't, there's no, it doesn't turn women on, men fighting their way to your minge. Go on.

• 13:41Speaker 07

  Is that the pleasure gap, though?

• 13:42Speaker 06

  Go on, what's the pleasure gap?

• 13:43Speaker 05

  The orgasm gap, I've heard about this. Yeah, this is more chivalry, chivalry stuff. The orgasm gap, as I understand it, is another one of these gaps where it's like, well, do you want to be paid the same or do you want to come along?

• 13:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 05

  Can you make your mind up, please? All right?

• 13:56Speaker 06

  But I don't know if they were coming back then, to be fair.

• 13:59Speaker 05

  No, this is way before the female orgasm. We should, we should stress that. If a woman came in this age, she was burnt at the stake as a witch. Because something's going on there.

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  Yeah.

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• 17:03Speaker 06

  When we did the War of the Roses, we did the family tree, right?

• 17:06Speaker 05

  Which one of our fans printed off and gave to me at the book tour.

• 17:09Speaker 06

  So this is, what's confusing is it, this is pre-War of the Roses, but this is what kicks it all off.

• 17:14Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 17:14Speaker 06

  So I'm going to try and explain the family tree as much as I can remember it.

• 17:18Speaker 05

  Oh, gosh.

• 17:19Speaker 06

  Edward III has four sons, that's always dangerous.

• 17:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, too many sons, too many boys.

• 17:24Speaker 06

  It's a, it's a sausage fest, right? We need some more girls in here. You don't want to walk into an empty bar and it's four blokes, do you? You need to change those ratios. Whenever you, a king has four sons, civil war is inevitable, right? His first son was the Black Prince.

• 17:41Speaker 05

  Amen.

• 17:41Speaker 06

  Who was goaded, who's getting stopped and searched, who had to overcome a lot of prejudice being his Black, ugly it's not his son.

• 17:49Speaker 05

  14th century. Well, there's a lot, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of people going, there's no way you're his son. He's like, hey, man, what the fuck are you talking about?

• 17:55Speaker 06

  But he's like a.

• 17:55Speaker 05

  That's my daddy.

• 17:56Speaker 06

  He's like a war hero. He's like, he's set up to be this next great king after his dad, Edward III, who had one of the longest reigns of all time in England, was also goaded as well. But he died a year before Edward III died. So the prince and the king are dead. So then the next.

• 18:13Speaker 05

  Could have been sick or so.

• 18:15Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 18:16Speaker 05

  Yep. Quite big in the black community.

• 18:17Speaker 06

  Yes. Funnily enough, Edward, the, the second son of Edward III was Lionel of Antwerp.

• 18:23Speaker 05

  That's a white man.

• 18:24Speaker 06

  And it's interesting that Lionel was, could have easily become king, but that would never been, yeah, King Lionel.

• 18:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, of Antwerp.

• 18:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, Lionel, it just, it makes sense that he didn't end up being on the throne because we couldn't have had King Lionel the First.

• 18:38Speaker 05

  Now, John of Gaunt, I believe we call John of AIDS.

• 18:40Speaker 06

  Yes, we did. So that is the same John of Gaunt.

• 18:43Speaker 05

  Okay, I know where I am.

• 18:44Speaker 06

  That's his third son, and then there's another one. But basically, importantly, is the kids of these sons. John of Corn gives birth to Henry IV, right?

• 18:53Speaker 05

  Right.

• 18:54Speaker 06

  And.

• 18:54Speaker 05

  AIDS baby.

• 18:55Speaker 06

  AIDS baby. Lionel of Antwerp, I believe, gives, gives birth to Richard II.

• 19:00Speaker 05

  So they're cousins, are they?

• 19:01Speaker 06

  They're cousins.

• 19:02Speaker 05

  Richard II and Henry IV are cousins.

• 19:04Speaker 06

  Richard II succeeds, no, Richard II is the son of the Black Prince.

• 19:08Speaker 05

  Amen.

• 19:09Speaker 06

  Richard II is the son of the Black Prince.

• 19:11Speaker 05

  You son of a Black Prince.

• 19:14Speaker 06

  So that's why he becomes king.

• 19:16Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 19:17Speaker 06

  Because he's the son, he's the grandson of the king.

• 19:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, Edward III's grandson, yeah.

• 19:21Speaker 06

  Richard II sort of fucks his reign.

• 19:23Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 19:24Speaker 06

  Because he doesn't have an heir.

• 19:27Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:27Speaker 06

  He's kind of sulky and pisses everyone off.

• 19:30Speaker 05

  He's called Richard and all kings called Richard, fuck it.

• 19:32Speaker 06

  Yes, exactly. He pisses all the nobles off, including his brother, who's a sort of Ross Kemp-esque figure.

• 19:40Speaker 05

  Adorable.

• 19:41Speaker 06

  In a big, yeah?

• 19:42Speaker 07

  Adorable Ross Kemp.

• 19:43Speaker 06

  Yes, a sort of, he's a bulldozer. Sorry, Charlie's just watched TV for the first time in a year and it's Celebrity Traitors, so a lot of his references, the reason why you'll notice that Charlie's references have moved on from maybe over the hedge or flushed away is because he's watched another thing, and that is this season of Celebrity Traitors.

• 20:00Speaker 07

  It's amazing.

• 20:00Speaker 05

  Ross Kemp is adorable.

• 20:01Speaker 07

  He's absolutely lovely.

• 20:02Speaker 06

  To be honest, talking of this season of Celebrity Traitors, it'll be out of date, but there's a photo of Miranda looking like Hitler.

• 20:08Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that, I saw that last night. Yeah, yeah, terrific.

• 20:11Speaker 06

  It's good stuff.

• 20:11Speaker 05

  And she's looking for graves with a fucking gold star on them. I mean.

• 20:14Speaker 06

  Come on.

• 20:14Speaker 05

  Come on. A bit of producer oversight, please.

• 20:17Speaker 06

  Yeah. Richard II takes Henry IV's lands, right?

• 20:21Speaker 07

  Lambs.

• 20:21Speaker 06

  Lands. Yes.

• 20:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:23Speaker 06

  He takes that, Henry IV gets pissed off because Henry IV's got some mates, he's likeable, he's a laugh.

• 20:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:30Speaker 06

  He managed to rally the nobles and basically usurps Richard II. That's how he becomes king.

• 20:35Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 20:35Speaker 06

  Roughly.

• 20:36Speaker 05

  Henry of Bolingbroke.

• 20:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 05

  But he gets, he gets exiled, was this after or before?

• 20:43Speaker 06

  Richard II exiles him because they fall out. He comes back, he takes this throne.

• 20:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 06

  And then he, his son is Henry V.

• 20:51Speaker 05

  Right.

• 20:51Speaker 06

  So Henry V is born into a very unstable, kind of illegal kingship, basically. And that's important context, really.

• 20:59Speaker 05

  He's born September 1386. Okay. Mary, his mother, is 10 and she marries Henry IV when he's 13. Oh, 13 and a 10-year-old, that's Gandhi stuff.

• 21:14Speaker 06

  Yes, that is, but if, if, is that still a woo if you're 13? I guess it's sort of.

• 21:19Speaker 05

  A 13-year-old's taking credit for, you know, in the way that like a sort of.

• 21:23Speaker 06

  Taking credit for what, paedophilia?

• 21:25Speaker 05

  No, because they're all.

• 21:27Speaker 06

  Is it stolen valor for paedopals? I'd watch those videos paedophiles saying, excuse me, how many tours did you do?

• 21:34Speaker 05

  Bear in mind this morning, because there was a two and a half minute clip of us talking about child porn for the blind, I had to take a YouTube community guidelines quiz.

• 21:43Speaker 06

  Oh, I think I got the notification, yeah.

• 21:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, I had to take a quiz to.

• 21:46Speaker 07

  Are you a pedo?

• 21:47Speaker 05

  No, it wasn't, are you a pedo? It was seven questions about their guidelines.

• 21:50Speaker 06

  Like a BuzzFeed article, are you a pedo?

• 21:53Speaker 05

  What Disney princess are you?

• 21:55Speaker 06

  Are you a bagel, a donut or a paedophile?

• 21:58Speaker 05

  Oh, paedophile, fuck.

• 22:00Speaker 06

  I thought it was a bagel. Where would bagel come from?

• 22:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, I had to take a lesson on YouTube's community guidelines and seven questions.

• 22:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 22:09Speaker 05

  Failed.

• 22:10Speaker 06

  Really?

• 22:11Speaker 05

  No, no, I passed.

• 22:12Speaker 06

  Flying colours?

• 22:13Speaker 05

  Six out of seven.

• 22:15Speaker 06

  Really? What did you fail on?

• 22:17Speaker 05

  I can't remember. It was like, this is a video where they're doing this and the title's this. It was like the genitals are blurred with bubbles or something. And I said, no, I said, that's not allowed. They said, yeah, it's allowed. I said, well, what is allowed then? Yeah? Can two blokes talking about child? Well, the more I say it, the more they're going to strike me again.

• 22:36Speaker 06

  Yeah. Also, we got, I got community warning on Instagram for our clip.

• 22:43Speaker 05

  They took it down, yeah.

• 22:44Speaker 06

  But I got, it's a slap on the wrist.

• 22:46Speaker 05

  The net's closing in.

• 22:47Speaker 07

  Which one? Which clip?

• 22:49Speaker 06

  Two goats, calling Hitler and Napoleon the two goats, then playing the video of.

• 22:53Speaker 05

  Apparently, apparently that's a crime.

• 22:55Speaker 06

  Pele and Maradona doing keepy up.

• 22:57Speaker 05

  The net is closing in, listeners. There's never been a better time to join the Patreon. Yeah. Thank God. Child porn and Hitler apologism is still allowed on one platform and that platform is Patreon.

• 23:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 05

  Anyway, we need to talk about Henry the Fifth, because he is the.

• 23:13Speaker 06

  He's the star of the story.

• 23:14Speaker 05

  He is, and he is so, well, it's interesting, he's so mythologised because of Shakespeare.

• 23:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 23:19Speaker 05

  How much of that's actually true is an open question.

• 23:22Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 23:22Speaker 05

  But he's definitely.

• 23:23Speaker 06

  He's definitely a psycho, that's for sure.

• 23:25Speaker 05

  He's definitely, until you'd say nowadays, he is the greatest warrior king England has ever had. Obviously, we're living in the near future where Prince Charles, King Charles has joined Hamas.

• 23:37Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 23:37Speaker 05

  To regain the Falklands. So that is the modern Henry the Fifth, you know.

• 23:41Speaker 06

  In the future, that's.

• 23:42Speaker 05

  He will be there at Port Stanley.

• 23:43Speaker 06

  That's Charles III's destiny.

• 23:44Speaker 05

  Exactly. He will be there at Port Stanley going, we few, we happy few, we, la la la la la. And then he will take back Port Stanley from the Israeli invaders.

• 23:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 23:53Speaker 05

  We know that's going to happen because we're historians and we can predict the future. We're like that Chinese guy, predictive history.

• 23:59Speaker 06

  Oh, yes.

• 24:01Speaker 05

  We're going on, we're going, I've seen Bartley going, I'll tell you what my prediction is, is that King Charles will raise Hamas and he will take back Port Stanley from the Israelis.

• 24:08Speaker 06

  And then when we're proven right, then we would, people would start listening.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 24:12Speaker 06

  These guys really, they can, because their knowledge of history, they can predict the future.

• 24:15Speaker 05

  They've done 200 episodes and they're now predicting the future with exering clarity. Yeah?

• 24:20Speaker 06

  Yeah, the Gavir Melaban pact will be a mistake. They will, they will default on it. The Falklands is at risk.

• 24:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:27Speaker 06

  But okay, so Henry was born, Henry the Fifth was born to Henry the Fourth, but then his dad gets exiled by Richard the Second for 10 years to France, I think.

• 24:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:35Speaker 06

  And then Henry the Fifth gets taken hostage by Richard the Second, but weirdly, Richard the Second.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  Richard's like, Richard's like taking boys hostage, don't they?

• 24:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, but then he likes him. So he was taking him hostage as a punishment to Henry the Fourth, his dad.

• 24:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:51Speaker 06

  But then he kind of gets on with him. So he sort of raises him as a prince. So for about 10 years, Henry the Fifth gets raised as a sort of Richard the Second's son. Henry the Fifth has so much training from a young age, mainly in Wales, right? Dealing with, what's this?

• 25:08Speaker 05

  Owen Glyndower.

• 25:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, which is meant, is the big Welsh history, right?

• 25:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, now on tour.

• 25:14Speaker 06

  About two bullet points in this story.

• 25:15Speaker 05

  On tour, people keep going, when you can do Welsh history? And I go, there is none.

• 25:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 25:20Speaker 05

  There is literally, it's a guy called Owen Glyndower.

• 25:22Speaker 06

  What did he even achieve, Owen Glyndower?

• 25:23Speaker 05

  No, fuck all.

• 25:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 05

  It literally, it was just target practice for Henry the Fifth.

• 25:27Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 25:28Speaker 05

  And they go on about this guy, Owen Glyndower, as he's called.

• 25:31Speaker 06

  What did he do? I don't actually know what he did.

• 25:34Speaker 05

  Wales is fattest baby. Thank you, Charlie. Beth Jenkins, say her name, born in Swansea, nearly seven kilograms. That is huge. Shout out Theo Wellington, Port Talbot.

• 25:44Speaker 06

  That's still not much, wait, is it 14 pounds? That's still not much bigger than me.

• 25:49Speaker 05

  Big lass.

• 25:51Speaker 06

  He was the last actual Welshman to be Prince of Wales, not just a pedo from Windsor, basically.

• 25:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, to claim the title.

• 25:59Speaker 06

  Right, let's keep finding this. Well, we can all claim it.

• 26:01Speaker 05

  Exactly. At this point, Wales is, is like Gaza to England's Israel. And Henry the Fifth is, I don't know, it's Netanyahu maybe.

• 26:11Speaker 06

  Yes, but interestingly, the history of the English longbow sort of, the modern longbow in England starts in Wales.

• 26:18Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 26:19Speaker 06

  Because it's sort of like the AK-47 to the Taliban, because it's a cheap to make.

• 26:24Speaker 05

  La la la la la. The Welsh are doing that, are they?

• 26:26Speaker 06

  That's kind of where it comes from.

• 26:28Speaker 05

  La la la la la.

• 26:29Speaker 06

  Because a knight is really expensive to make. You've got to have all the armour, you've got to have all the nobles, chivalry. Whereas you can just cut down a tree, make a bow and you can cause havoc, basically. So it did sort of start in the Welsh kind of hills and mountains, basically. The sort of Torabora of Wales.

• 26:48Speaker 05

  Torabora.

• 26:49Speaker 06

  Torabora.

• 26:49Speaker 05

  Torabora.

• 26:50Speaker 06

  The Alun Wyn Jones Caedar, basically.

• 26:53Speaker 05

  Yes, Alun, Alun Wyn Jones Caedar.

• 26:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, so the Welsh Alcaedar are pacified by Henry the Fifth.

• 27:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, and he's loving it. And from a young age, you can see that this, this kid's a fucking psycho.

• 27:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:05Speaker 06

  Because the way he deals with Owen Glyndower, Owen Glyndower for talking shit, Henry the Fifth kills all his mates.

• 27:11Speaker 05

  Osama Glyndower?

• 27:12Speaker 06

  Yeah, Osama Glyndower. And he's like, is he like 16 years old and he's doing this?

• 27:16Speaker 05

  Henry the Fifth, Battle of Shrewsbury is the big one.

• 27:18Speaker 06

  Yes, he's fucking killing ants with my, with fucking magnifying glass type stuff. This is really like, you could tell this kid's fucking locked in.

• 27:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 06

  And then the Battle of Shrewsbury, who's that between? Is that between?

• 27:31Speaker 05

  That's the Welsh, isn't it?

• 27:33Speaker 06

  That's the Welsh. That's a, that would be between.

• 27:36Speaker 05

  Is it the Persis? The Persis.

• 27:38Speaker 06

  The Persis, the Percy pigs.

• 27:40Speaker 05

  I don't know, I mean.

• 27:41Speaker 06

  This is where it gets a bit confusing. It's the Percy pigs. It's this period of history, nobles going to be fighting.

• 27:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:48Speaker 06

  Just accept that, that's going to happen. Shrewsbury, why it's interesting is the first time it's two longbow armies against each other.

• 27:56Speaker 05

  Right.

• 27:57Speaker 06

  And Henry the Fifth, this is actually the only one of two battles Henry the Fifth actually ever fights in, Shrewsbury and Agincourt.

• 28:03Speaker 05

  They're the only two?

• 28:04Speaker 06

  Well, he does lots of sieges.

• 28:05Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 28:05Speaker 06

  But no battles. So.

• 28:08Speaker 05

  Hum actually.

• 28:09Speaker 06

  He gets, go on, Charlie.

• 28:11Speaker 07

  Is this an age where, you mentioned locking in, is everybody, because there's no kind of fun distractions other than like the hill?

• 28:19Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:20Speaker 06

  The hill.

• 28:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, I know where he's going.

• 28:23Speaker 07

  Is everyone basically permanently locked in?

• 28:26Speaker 05

  There's not much ADHD at this point.

• 28:28Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 28:28Speaker 07

  Is there any?

• 28:29Speaker 05

  It's hard to know what that would look like.

• 28:31Speaker 06

  No, you have other things to worry about.

• 28:34Speaker 05

  I guess you go from like, you go from like chasing a pig to like throwing some mud against a wall.

• 28:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:39Speaker 05

  To like hitting a woman to sort of putting some mud in your mouth, maybe. I mean, there's not that much stimuli.

• 28:45Speaker 06

  God's, but everyone thinks God's always watching, that everything's a sign of God's will. Also, this life is just a brief moment where you need to get into heaven.

• 28:54Speaker 05

  This is an interesting point. Is there any dopamine at this point?

• 28:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, I guess ale, yeah. I mean, going to the ale house, maybe standing on the table when someone's playing the lute and doing a jig.

• 29:04Speaker 07

  That looks good.

• 29:05Speaker 06

  After some ale, that's kind of like the big.

• 29:07Speaker 07

  Yeah, fighting in the pub? Having a, having a party while people fight around you in the pub?

• 29:11Speaker 06

  Also, is that game where they, the Atherton Ball Derby, is that started? I think that might have started around. So they got this sort of stuff, which is still going on. The, this part of the Midlands, I did go to uni around here, it hasn't changed much since the 1400s. It's still very similar sort of area. You can see everyone's got their haircut.

• 29:29Speaker 05

  Yeah. I mean, this is what Agincourt looks like.

• 29:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, this is, but these are the people who fought in Agincourt.

• 29:33Speaker 05

  Yes, it is, yeah.

• 29:34Speaker 06

  Because it was a, yeah, and this is what English people are meant to be doing. And that's why Agincourt's such a fun story, because English people get to be English.

• 29:43Speaker 05

  Yes, you're right, yeah.

• 29:44Speaker 06

  And now there's the death of the high street, sure, because this is what the high street is.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  Yes, exactly.

• 29:49Speaker 06

  But fundamentally, they have to do this because they don't, they can't fire arrows at the French and it's quite a sad story.

• 29:54Speaker 05

  1199, that board game started.

• 29:56Speaker 06

  That's an old.

• 29:57Speaker 05

  Crazy.

• 29:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, everyone there looks so English.

• 30:01Speaker 05

  This guy's saying it's the only thing we've got apart from Christmas, on Christmas Day.

• 30:05Speaker 05

  I mean, look, English, English regional towns are bleak, aren't they?

• 30:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:09Speaker 05

  And they just want to, they just want to be let out into the street to rot.

• 30:12Speaker 06

  I mean, you're on tour at the moment, so you're now, you're dipping out the major cities now.

• 30:15Speaker 05

  I went to Ipswich, the showing at Ipswich was terrific.

• 30:18Speaker 06

  Ed Sheeran's hometown? Did you bring that up?

• 30:20Speaker 05

  I did not, I don't care. But what I will say, the Ipswich High Street is, is up there with some of the bleakest. I mean, it's, you know, I got there three hours early. Thank God. I got to have a mooch. I got to see the shoe zone.

• 30:34Speaker 06

  Shoe zone's there?

• 30:35Speaker 05

  Shoe zone, TK Maxx, Waterstones with no one in it. I went in to see my book, I was the only person there.

• 30:43Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:43Speaker 05

  They're not shifting any copies in there.

• 30:45Speaker 06

  God, no.

• 30:46Speaker 05

  People going, what the fuck's that? Can I eat it? Oh, fuck it. No, I don't want to go in there then.

• 30:49Speaker 06

  Greg's?

• 30:51Speaker 05

  There was a Greg's.

• 30:51Speaker 06

  In the Waterstones?

• 30:52Speaker 05

  Not in, not in the Waterstones.

• 30:55Speaker 06

  Because you know how like Waterstones sometimes has like a Costa attached to it, like a coffee thing?

• 30:59Speaker 05

  In Bristol, there's an Asda with a McDonald's inside it, which is like a sort of Russian doll of scum. That's the real elephant's foot of working class Bristolians.

• 31:08Speaker 06

  Yeah. Anyway, so at the Battle of Shrewsbury, Henry is fighting as a prince with his dad. He proves himself a great fighter, but he also, because there's, it's two longbow armies against each other, so it's fucking hell.

• 31:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 06

  He gets an arrow in the head.

• 31:23Speaker 05

  The face.

• 31:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, so it's basically goes down, down into his cheek, six inches deep. He miraculously survives, but it's got a lodged full longbow arrow in his head and it takes like two weeks to get it out. They have to like, I mean, this is when no one knows anything about medicine.

• 31:41Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 31:42Speaker 06

  So then you kind of get the guy with the biggest beard in town to have a go.

• 31:47Speaker 05

  They get a criminal who is on trial for something, but he's a metalworker and he basically devises this extraction thing. Where you get like a vice and then he, he somehow pinches it and pulls it out.

• 31:58Speaker 06

  Everyone's had a go. It's sort of like the sword in the stove. Everyone's had a go trying to pull this arrow out his face.

• 32:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:03Speaker 06

  And it won't budge. So they get this old cripple.

• 32:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 06

  Who puts honey and wine, that's like the big thing. Because I guess this is before, you know, it's very easy to take modern amenities for granted. But this is before, you know, this is before any sort of moisturising cream, is it? Because at this point, you sort of just chuck ingredients at your face.

• 32:23Speaker 05

  Well, this is Clarkson's moisturiser, isn't it?

• 32:25Speaker 06

  Exactly.

• 32:26Speaker 05

  Just honey, beer, done, next. How do you start a business in this economy? Honey, beer, salt.

• 32:32Speaker 06

  You seen that clip of him at the Conservative Party Conference?

• 32:34Speaker 05

  Absolutely, I have.

• 32:34Speaker 06

  Just sat like this saying, who would want to start a business here?

• 32:37Speaker 05

  I am, but the pub won't be here, though.

• 32:41Speaker 06

  It's pretty awesome to see.

• 32:42Speaker 05

  Cooking, yeah.

• 32:43Speaker 06

  I mean, that's a man who doesn't care about how he comes across. I mean, that's, it's bold for a celeb to, to, there's not many celebs who would sit on a Conservative Party conference stage. That's quite a.

• 32:54Speaker 05

  Look at him there.

• 32:55Speaker 06

  Look at that. And also, when it cuts in, when you see a closer angle, some of the most insane dandruff I've ever seen on a man is in this exact video. It's kind of amazing. For him to be mouthing off, I mean, that is sort of his swag, though. It's his aura.

• 33:09Speaker 05

  He's younger than my dad.

• 33:12Speaker 06

  He's, he's got that never looked in a mirror aura.

• 33:15Speaker 05

  No.

• 33:15Speaker 06

  Which is that there is a certain kind of masculinity of a man who's never once looked at his own reflection.

• 33:20Speaker 05

  I think it's peak masculinity, personally. It's what I aspire to. Because looking in a mirror provides friction to your day.

• 33:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  You know?

• 33:27Speaker 06

  Or sense of self.

• 33:28Speaker 05

  Sense of, but you know how, so apparently Tom Cruise, when he's on film sets, he's, people sign agreements where it says, uh, there'll be no small talk before this fight scene.

• 33:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:38Speaker 05

  So that he can just come in and do it and then go. And there's no friction.

• 33:41Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:42Speaker 05

  He's so, everything is so timed.

• 33:43Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:44Speaker 05

  Uh, and my tour manager told me that as he was like, you know, Cruise sounds like a wanker. And I was like, that sounds fucking amazing.

• 33:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:50Speaker 05

  You imagine not having to do small talk and someone was contractually obligated to just do it.

• 33:54Speaker 06

  I don't think you're far off getting those.

• 33:56Speaker 05

  I want that in place here.

• 33:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, you want to get in those sort of waivers being signed beforehand.

• 34:00Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 34:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:02Speaker 05

  How was your weekend? No.

• 34:03Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:03Speaker 05

  No, let's just do it.

• 34:05Speaker 06

  He's also got a portable gym, which has a big sign outside the front that says only the motivated may enter. So this is the sort of stuff.

• 34:13Speaker 05

  I have that in my toilet. Yeah, I've got that above my toilet, yeah.

• 34:17Speaker 06

  Also, sometimes you don't go in.

• 34:19Speaker 05

  Hey?

• 34:19Speaker 06

  Sometimes you wouldn't go to your toilet.

• 34:20Speaker 05

  I go, I'm not really feeling this, so I just shit myself. Really struggling to motivate myself today, so I've shat my pants.

• 34:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:26Speaker 05

  And that's made it, that's made it harder to be motivated, to be honest.

• 34:29Speaker 06

  Yeah. So the, the details with this, uh.

• 34:30Speaker 05

  Sometimes I'm really fired up, but I don't need to pee.

• 34:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 05

  Or a poo. Or a poo.

• 34:34Speaker 06

  Or a poo, thanks Charlie.

• 34:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:35Speaker 06

  He's always picking up the slack that we leave on this podcast.

• 34:39Speaker 05

  Thank God he's there without a mat.

• 34:42Speaker 02

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• 36:12Speaker 06

  Uh, our researcher Molly is obsessed with disgusting medical stuff.

• 36:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:17Speaker 06

  What's coming, becoming clear through all the research talks is our researchers have different interests and they start to seep into the story.

• 36:24Speaker 05

  Phoebe's trying to find Eiffel Tower in every, every episode.

• 36:27Speaker 06

  Phoebe's kind of deranged horniness is, uh, starting to really cloud the, it's really, it's been, you know?

• 36:33Speaker 05

  We need to have a meeting about that, actually.

• 36:34Speaker 06

  Yes, just, you know, she's, she's constantly talking about people's genitals and stuff.

• 36:38Speaker 05

  Eiffel Towers.

• 36:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

• 36:39Speaker 05

  What are we doing for the work night out this week?

• 36:41Speaker 06

  Exactly. Yeah.

• 36:43Speaker 05

  Someone please Eiffel Tower me. Phoebe, please.

• 36:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 36:46Speaker 05

  It's the place of work.

• 36:47Speaker 06

  And then, but then Molly is obsessed with, uh, sort of disgusting medical procedures. So that's why there's a lot of details on this.

• 36:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 06

  The, the kind of fucking stinky, uh, cripple that they found, uh, to get the arrow out his head, said he forced increasingly large pegs into the priest's cheek hole to stretch the muscle so he's, his metal tool could fit.

• 37:07Speaker 05

  Christ.

• 37:08Speaker 06

  Nearly a week after the incident, Brad Moore successfully extracts the arrowhead.

• 37:13Speaker 05

  God, and he survives.

• 37:13Speaker 06

  Astonishingly, Henry survives. Now, there's one or two ways you can go if you get an arrow in the face. You can say, I don't want to fight again because I've got an arrow in the face and that could traumatize you. Or if you're a psycho like Henry, now why you got better than his brother?

• 37:27Speaker 05

  You could just firm it. Well.

• 37:28Speaker 06

  Wait, is that when you're getting the arrow out?

• 37:30Speaker 05

  Well, it's like the, it's like the Finnish sniper. Who was shot in the face, who's got permanent base on his brother. Now, Henry the Fifth, we only ever see portraits of him in profile because obviously the other half of him was like this.

• 37:42Speaker 06

  Well, you could argue that Henry the Fifth, is Henry the Fifth a smug leader? We've dealt with a lot of smugness. I think maybe he might not, he might be anti-bait. Is there a smugness to Henry the Fifth?

• 37:54Speaker 05

  The problem is, if Henry the Fifth is Bates' brother, it changes all the great speeches.

• 38:00Speaker 06

  What's towards the breach?

• 38:01Speaker 05

  We marry a few. We ban the brothers.

• 38:04Speaker 06

  That's quite a lot.

• 38:04Speaker 05

  If you die today, then we're a brother. Yeah, right, mate. I'm not your brother. I'm fucking the king, mate.

• 38:10Speaker 06

  Cry God for England. Henry and St George.

• 38:12Speaker 05

  Go on then.

• 38:12Speaker 06

  Go on then.

• 38:13Speaker 05

  What's more, under the breach, here we go again.

• 38:15Speaker 06

  You guys first.

• 38:16Speaker 05

  I'd work my days.

• 38:16Speaker 06

  I'll catch you up.

• 38:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'll die with you today. Yeah, sure.

• 38:21Speaker 06

  I actually think it's very important that he's not smug, to be honest. That's part of his aura.

• 38:25Speaker 05

  It ruins the story.

• 38:26Speaker 06

  Uh, cause he actually, I don't think he's a laugh, Henry the Fifth.

• 38:29Speaker 05

  No.

• 38:29Speaker 06

  He's pretty serious.

• 38:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:31Speaker 06

  But he's serious about killing French people. So I think that is quite.

• 38:33Speaker 05

  That's fine.

• 38:34Speaker 06

  That's fine.

• 38:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 38:35Speaker 06

  You, you can come for a pint because what you're serious about is serious.

• 38:38Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 38:39Speaker 06

  To be fair.

• 38:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:40Speaker 06

  You shouldn't be, that isn't a laugh. So you should be taking.

• 38:42Speaker 05

  That's not even a matter. If you're not killing Frenchmen.

• 38:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:45Speaker 05

  You've got to stop joking around, start, start doing it.

• 38:47Speaker 06

  Yeah. But basically because he survived that arrow to the face, because he is a religious fundamentalist, as they all are.

• 38:53Speaker 05

  Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

• 38:54Speaker 06

  He says, well, this is proven that God wants me to live. God's chosen me to be. So basically he now views, uh, everything he does as God's will, basically.

• 39:04Speaker 05

  A bit like George Bush.

• 39:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, he ala Akbar's it, basically, from here on out. And Henry the Fourth's whole reign has been just trying to hold on to power. His main asset is being a political survivor, much like Benjamin Netanyahu. He's that sort of.

• 39:16Speaker 05

  The great survivor.

• 39:17Speaker 06

  The great survivor.

• 39:18Speaker 05

  Say his name.

• 39:18Speaker 06

  Through many eras, uh, you know, he's had a shaky reign. Uh, he's managed to hell, hold on to a democratically elected leader in that area for a long time.

• 39:27Speaker 05

  Long time.

• 39:27Speaker 06

  And you think he's done and he comes back, you know?

• 39:29Speaker 05

  Vice-like grip.

• 39:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 39:31Speaker 05

  But anyway, so Henry the, Henry the, King Henry the Fifth, uh, when does he become king? At some point, 14 something, 14, 13. He doesn't reign for that long at all, does he?

• 39:41Speaker 06

  No.

• 39:41Speaker 05

  Now, but we should also, we should compare and contrast King Henry the Fifth.

• 39:47Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 39:47Speaker 05

  With his French counterpart, the Dauphin, Dauphin.

• 39:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 39:50Speaker 05

  Who is one of my favorite elements of the story. The main thing about the Dauphin is that he's Henry the Fifth's polar opposite.

• 39:55Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 39:56Speaker 05

  If Henry the Fifth is a, um, sort of psychopathic, uh, athlete.

• 40:00Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 40:00Speaker 05

  Who's warrior king.

• 40:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 40:02Speaker 05

  Uh, the Dauphin is a sort of mentally ill, fat, um, nocturnal party boy.

• 40:09Speaker 06

  I don't think he's mentally, his father.

• 40:11Speaker 05

  His dad's mentally ill.

• 40:12Speaker 06

  His father is extraordinarily mentally ill.

• 40:14Speaker 05

  Insanely mentally ill.

• 40:15Speaker 06

  And the reason why England gets so many victories against France, even though France is population wise, maybe five times bigger.

• 40:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:21Speaker 06

  Is because the guy who's driving is Harvey Price, basically.

• 40:24Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 40:25Speaker 06

  They got, they've seen.

• 40:26Speaker 05

  It's Harvey Price on a motorized toilet. That's France at this point.

• 40:28Speaker 06

  They basically, a lot of these victories have come because England have looked across the channel and seen, well, this is brilliant.

• 40:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:35Speaker 06

  France is being ruled by Harvey Price.

• 40:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:38Speaker 06

  Uh, and so they take advantage of that. He's truly lost his mind, right?

• 40:41Speaker 05

  Now, I, I did some research as to why he was mentally ill.

• 40:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 40:44Speaker 05

  There was a ball in the 13 whatever the fucks where him and five nobles decided to dress up in masks with like feathers and stuff.

• 40:53Speaker 06

  Right.

• 40:53Speaker 05

  This is the quickest thing to a quick dopamine hit you're getting at this point. And then someone was trying to see, look closer because it was all dark, obviously because there's no fucking lights. And someone holds a big torch of fire, still with fire on it, sets fire to them all. So the king and five nobles are on fire.

• 41:09Speaker 06

  Right.

• 41:09Speaker 05

  And then all the nobles burn to death, but King Charles VI only survives because a woman throws some like curtains on him and sort of smothers the flames.

• 41:17Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 41:18Speaker 05

  But he's basically in like a big bird suit, like a, he's like Gondosaurus, but he's on fire.

• 41:22Speaker 06

  Right.

• 41:23Speaker 05

  And all, and all his mates die, burn alive. It's like a mascot conference where they all die and then.

• 41:28Speaker 06

  And so that, is that why he goes kind of?

• 41:30Speaker 05

  His first major outbreak is, is after that.

• 41:32Speaker 06

  He goes late Nietzsche sort of.

• 41:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 41:34Speaker 06

  Cross-eyed shit.

• 41:35Speaker 05

  So he sometimes believes that he's made entirely of glass.

• 41:39Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 05

  So he won't allow anyone to approach him.

• 41:41Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 41:42Speaker 05

  He didn't recognize, he didn't know who his wife was. He had like psychotic episodes.

• 41:46Speaker 06

  But also because he refused to bath or, um, use the toilet a lot of times. So he was just sort of.

• 41:52Speaker 05

  He wasn't motivated enough.

• 41:53Speaker 06

  Yeah, well, uh, let's go Extreme Hoarders. Do you watch Extreme Hoarders? Are you?

• 41:58Speaker 05

  No.

• 41:59Speaker 06

  It's, you, you know.

• 42:00Speaker 05

  Is that the endpoint of hoarding? We are not even.

• 42:02Speaker 06

  Yes. This is probably one of my, my guilty pleasures as a, one of these TV shows. Extreme hoarding is, is really quite satisfying. You cannot believe how bad it can get. The poop lady.

• 42:12Speaker 05

  Who's the poop lady?

• 42:13Speaker 06

  Let's go. So let's have, watch this. This, this is, um, this is the king of France.

• 42:18Speaker 05

  In a jug. Oh my God, are those, are those, are those tissues? Is that toilet?

• 42:22Speaker 06

  I'm going to be sad.

• 42:23Speaker 05

  Actually, by the time you put it in there, it's actually a dirty water jug. Is what that is.

• 42:29Speaker 06

  This is important.

• 42:29Speaker 05

  That's what all those dirty water jugs are about.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  I want to say that the reason that Shannon didn't get rid of all those bottles is because she's lazy.

• 42:41Speaker 06

  She's not lazy.

• 42:42Speaker 03

  Sentimental to her.

• 42:43Speaker 06

  What's lazy about her?

• 42:46Speaker 06

  I mean, there's lazy, there's lazy.

• 42:47Speaker 05

  Septic issue. Supposed to be drained. Oh my god, you've got to get this off the screen, off the screen.

• 42:53Speaker 06

  Do you know the food that she eats the most?

• 42:55Speaker 05

  What?

• 42:56Speaker 06

  Chowder.

• 42:59Speaker 06

  She eats a lot of chowder, this woman. Yeah, that's kind of a peek into what the Court of France, the cleanest that's ever been.

• 43:06Speaker 05

  I had cottage cheese this morning and I'm, I'll be honest, I'm struggling.

• 43:12Speaker 05

  Really struggling.

• 43:13Speaker 06

  You know, after she left that house, they had to demolish the entire house. It was so truly sodden that they had to get, they had to start again. They had to rip out the foundations because it was so rotten with shit.

• 43:26Speaker 05

  So, sorry, just to confirm, that's a woman who did not throw away any of her pooey tissue, toilet roll? All the actual poo itself, she did it all in bottles?

• 43:35Speaker 06

  She didn't throw anything away at any point ever.

• 43:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, no, I get that. I don't classify pooing as throwing stuff away.

• 43:43Speaker 06

  Well, she does.

• 43:44Speaker 05

  That's fine then, fine. We agree to disagree.

• 43:49Speaker 06

  You've got to see it from other people's perspective.

• 43:50Speaker 05

  Well, I am now. I didn't know that perspective was there and I feel sick.

• 43:55Speaker 06

  You've got to, got to get on extreme hoarders, it's unbelievable.

• 43:58Speaker 07

  What's the psychology of hoarding?

• 43:59Speaker 06

  Not letting, be able to let go. Is it, do you feel any sort of loss maybe when the shit goes down the U-bend?

• 44:05Speaker 07

  Sometimes it.

• 44:07Speaker 06

  Letting go? I mean, I don't, but uh.

• 44:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm very much a forward-looking guy, really. You know, it's the opposite of Clarkson, isn't it? Don't look, just shit, don't look back, don't even sit on the toilet, just get on with it. He's the opposite of hoarding.

• 44:18Speaker 06

  Yes, it's true.

• 44:19Speaker 05

  The opposite. What's the, what's the opposite of hoarding?

• 44:20Speaker 06

  Well, so my, my dad's got quite a Clarkson aspect. My mum's a hoarder and my dad.

• 44:24Speaker 05

  Don't call her that.

• 44:25Speaker 06

  No, she's a, sorry, she's a, she's a, she's a hoarder.

• 44:28Speaker 05

  Right, sorry, yeah.

• 44:31Speaker 06

  My dad, he can't deal with stuff. He thinks stuff closes his mind, his creativity. So he will throw anything that is on the kitchen counter in the bin, that has included passports.

• 44:43Speaker 05

  I have a very similar, uh, very similar philosophy.

• 44:45Speaker 06

  If something is there for more than, if it's there for two hours, if he's seen it twice, it goes in the bin. Because his view is, I'll deal with the admin, I'll deal with that, but I can't deal with it right there.

• 44:57Speaker 05

  I imagine your dad is like me in this regard, in that he has taken something directly from a letterbox, straight to the bin.

• 45:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, of course.

• 45:05Speaker 05

  Personally, I would like a bin underneath a letterbox that can just catch anything that comes through the door. If it's important, you'll email me or call me. I don't want anything through the letterbox.

• 45:13Speaker 06

  My dad also, he has, um, he buys cheap reading glasses that are set to like, you know, you can go into the shop and buy ready-made ones, right? And he probably gets through 50 pairs a year.

• 45:23Speaker 05

  Finishes a book, glass to the bin, next.

• 45:25Speaker 06

  So he does, he uses, has single-use reading glasses.

• 45:27Speaker 05

  Right, okay.

• 45:28Speaker 06

  And he, I looked at his Bluetooth on his iPhone and he had 14 pairs of AirPods.

• 45:37Speaker 06

  So I think he uses, he's got sort of single-use AirPods, single-use reading glasses.

• 45:41Speaker 05

  Everything's single-use.

• 45:42Speaker 06

  Everything's single-use. And to be honest, his house, spotless, to be fair.

• 45:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:47Speaker 06

  It is, it does work. You know, it's easy to judge saying that's quite wasteful, but it's a, it's a very clean place.

• 45:54Speaker 05

  If you're a skip raider in Indonesia, absolute field day at Peter Gold's house, you get 13 pairs of AirPods and they're brand new.

• 46:04Speaker 05

  Now, the French king grew so covered in his own waste, he got bed sores, that to prevent the king from rotting alive, the royal family hired 10 men disguised in blackface. Now, I don't know why that's got anything to do with it.

• 46:17Speaker 06

  Well, it was a different time and it was.

• 46:18Speaker 05

  To burst into his room at night, terrify him and forcibly scrub him down.

• 46:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, so that they got.

• 46:23Speaker 05

  That's fascinating.

• 46:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:25Speaker 05

  10 blacktop men burst into your room at night and then forcibly wash him.

• 46:29Speaker 06

  So Matt Lucas has come in there as precious.

• 46:34Speaker 05

  You're a tosting king there.

• 46:38Speaker 06

  And he loves clompy, so it distracts him, it distracts him.

• 46:41Speaker 05

  For you, Matt, I'll wash.

• 46:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 06

  And his thing is he loves minstrel shows.

• 46:45Speaker 05

  It's before TV, you're right, it is before TV.

• 46:47Speaker 06

  And to be honest, what is being a king if not having your ass wiped while someone performs in black?

• 46:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, you're right, actually.

• 46:53Speaker 06

  Like, is there anything more kingly?

• 46:55Speaker 05

  That's true, you're right.

• 46:57Speaker 06

  As we say in this podcast, if you've got privilege, you need to use it and we respect that.

• 47:00Speaker 05

  If you can force people to black up and then wipe your ass, I imagine that feels pretty good. That's a quick dopamine hit, to be honest.

• 47:07Speaker 06

  Yeah. So basically, the French are super weak at this time. They're also having their version of the War of the Roses, won't get into that, Arminia versus the Burgundians.

• 47:15Speaker 05

  Boring, Greta Thunberg, what's her name? Joan of Arc's on the horizon, isn't she?

• 47:19Speaker 06

  When is Joan of Arc? I keep forgetting.

• 47:21Speaker 05

  I think it's after Agincourt.

• 47:22Speaker 06

  Yeah. Because fundamentally, the English keep getting huge wins.

• 47:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:26Speaker 06

  But it's kind of, England was never going to win because it's, they're too small, you can't take the whole country. And we win in these massive battles, these huge Cressy, Poitiers, Agincourt, but it doesn't, it doesn't mean you can hold on to the country very long. So it doesn't really last. There's a lot of stuff, great stuff about the Dauphin's mother, who is maybe the least horny French woman, I believe.

• 47:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:48Speaker 06

  Contemporary sources accuse her of sexual promiscuity, political crumpship and incestuous relationships. She's a French woman.

• 47:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, she had affairs with her children.

• 47:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:57Speaker 05

  She's French, just, it's covered.

• 47:59Speaker 06

  It's covered. Many of our offspring were born of incest.

• 48:02Speaker 05

  French births.

• 48:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, she was sort of, to be honest, and she, you know, when an Austrian man has kids with his kids, it's viewed as a, you know, the devil next door sort of stuff.

• 48:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 48:13Speaker 06

  But a French woman, it's viewed as sexy and romantic.

• 48:16Speaker 05

  It's one born every minute in France.

• 48:20Speaker 05

  French version of Fritzl's called one born every minute.

• 48:22Speaker 06

  Yeah. And that's why they like such stinky cheese, I believe, because they all, their noses are so fucked from the incest.

• 48:29Speaker 05

  Yes, you're right. That does make complete sense.

• 48:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's why they like the food they like.

• 48:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, and the country's a toilet. So, you know, if you're going for pleasure, if you want something that smells worse than a toilet.

• 48:39Speaker 06

  Yeah. Oh yeah, to manage the king's episodes and sexual demands. So he's still, though he's covered in his own shit, which is interesting, and he thinks he's made of glass, he's still sexually demanding.

• 48:49Speaker 05

  Interesting.

• 48:50Speaker 06

  Which adds another level, I think, to the mad king.

• 48:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 48:53Speaker 06

  Think you're made of glass, you're actually made of shit and you're demanding sex. Like, that's quite a lot going on. Her, she has the hots for her own kids, she doesn't give a fuck about someone her own age or not related to her. So instead, she sends in a sort of body double, a decoy to fuck him for. So they, she basically gets a mistress, who I guess looks sort of like her, but I imagine the Dauphin, who's fat and disabled, probably doesn't know the difference.

• 49:20Speaker 05

  But the Dauphin is the son.

• 49:22Speaker 06

  Yeah. So she basically, can you go on, can you go on poo divers? Sorry to make this so pooey.

• 49:26Speaker 05

  Oh, I've not really recovered from the hoarder clip, I'll be honest.

• 49:30Speaker 06

  So this is a, this is the mistress that, um, is a boo, is a boo, is it, is it boo?

• 49:36Speaker 05

  Is a bo.

• 49:37Speaker 06

  Sends into the Dauphin's room.

• 49:39Speaker 05

  Brendan's a professional poo diver.

• 49:41Speaker 06

  You have to go in and sort of.

• 49:45Speaker 06

  You know, um, so this is the, this is what's happening in the French court when Henry the Fifth's rival, the Dauphin, is born. Who I think you think is a big fat fuck, but I'm not sure he is a big fat fuck.

• 49:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, he is. He's really fat and he's awake all night and he just wants to get his end away. And it's the opposite of Henry the Fifth, that's why.

• 50:02Speaker 06

  It's definitely the opposite of Henry the Fifth. I didn't know he was such a big fat fuck, but.

• 50:05Speaker 05

  He's so fat that.

• 50:06Speaker 06

  He's a nepo baby.

• 50:07Speaker 05

  Shortly after Agincourt, he dies of obesity. He dies of gastric failure.

• 50:11Speaker 06

  Which is impressive.

• 50:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:13Speaker 06

  Only, only royal, people in the royal line are doing this, can afford to do this.

• 50:17Speaker 05

  No, not true, not true. This is very much, and I didn't know Agincourt was such, was so pooey either, actually.

• 50:23Speaker 06

  It's extraordinary.

• 50:24Speaker 05

  The amount of dysentery, the amount of lethal diarrhea.

• 50:26Speaker 06

  We'll get on to that.

• 50:27Speaker 05

  This is, you know, when diarrhea is lethal, you know, it is after the existence of diarrhea and it's before the current age where you'd say it's probably the best, is it the best time to poo in history? Probably is because of the iPhone. Probably the best time to poo in history is now.

• 50:40Speaker 06

  Oh, you mean you can watch five episodes of The Sopranos on the toilet?

• 50:43Speaker 05

  People are watching this on the toilet right now.

• 50:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 05

  You know?

• 50:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, you can start like an incredible prestige TV show while on the toilet.

• 50:50Speaker 05

  We're so deadened to shitting that we're just sort of not even experiencing it, we're just gormlessly watching reels whilst pooing.

• 50:58Speaker 06

  Well, yeah, I mean, once I know I'm going for a shit, it's like a treat. I'm like, I bring, I bring an iPad in there, I have multiple screens.

• 51:04Speaker 05

  It's, I'm gooning while pooing. Poo gooning. Isn't that mad? I need to poo, where's my phone? You know, you say that to someone 100 years ago, they'd be like, what, what's in a, don't ring me.

• 51:15Speaker 06

  100 years ago, it was such a dangerous time to poo because every time I went to the loo, it's like, my intestines might fall out on this toilet break, do you know what I mean? Like, every, every time you go for a shit, you could die.

• 51:25Speaker 05

  That's what I mean.

• 51:26Speaker 06

  It's a very dangerous time.

• 51:27Speaker 05

  Back then, you know.

• 51:28Speaker 06

  Yeah, so we can, once again, we need to be grateful.

• 51:30Speaker 05

  We do. Let's get, yeah, so chroniclers describe Louis as lazy, fond of luxury, given to extreme overindulgence in food and wine.

• 51:38Speaker 06

  Okay, right.

• 51:39Speaker 05

  So he is basically the stark contrast to this sort of athletic warrior prince in England.

• 51:44Speaker 06

  He's a, he's a fat nepo baby, which I do think nepo babies should be more gluttonous on the surface, don't you agree? There's something about the way that nepo babies now are all in good shape and they can kind of go under the surface. If you're going to be born into immense privilege, I want to see a fat prince, an Augustus Gloop sort of figure.

• 52:03Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 52:03Speaker 06

  It feels like you're more taking advantage of, it feels like you've seemed more kind of pampered and greedy. I like that.

• 52:09Speaker 05

  Yes, yeah.

• 52:10Speaker 06

  So that's why I respect about him.

• 52:11Speaker 05

  We get, we're getting to the crunch point. Now, France is basically run, is in a civil war between the Arminia and the Burgundians, which is the kind of conflict that Joan of Arc will be.

• 52:21Speaker 06

  Yeah. War of the noses.

• 52:23Speaker 05

  Lovely stuff, war of the noses. Ultimately, the sort of, you'd say the trigger point for Henry the Fifth's invasion in France, he is triggered by this.

• 52:31Speaker 06

  He gets triggered, actually. He gets a rude comment online and gets triggered.

• 52:33Speaker 05

  Yes, the Dauphin, the fat guy, he sends Henry some tennis balls, yeah, which is quite Beethoven's brother.

• 52:41Speaker 06

  This is Beethoven's brother, but Henry the Fifth isn't Beethoven's brother. The French Dauphin is Beethoven's brother and so it's a real clash.

• 52:48Speaker 05

  He sends him a chest of tennis balls, which is meant to mock him as immature, suggesting he should return to childish games.

• 52:54Speaker 06

  That's incredible. That's pure Beethoven's brother. It's not good. It's not doing anything for you?

• 52:59Speaker 05

  No.

• 53:00Speaker 06

  It's sort of like an Evening Standard cartoon?

• 53:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's like, what?

• 53:03Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:04Speaker 05

  There you go, mate. Back to, back to the tennis, I think. Tennis for you, I think?

• 53:09Speaker 06

  I'm going to kill everyone you know.

• 53:10Speaker 05

  Yeah. All right, chill out. I was just trying to be funny. It's not going to be a joke.

• 53:15Speaker 06

  Fuck you.

• 53:15Speaker 05

  When you fuck, I'm going to come over there and fucking kill all of you.

• 53:17Speaker 06

  I'm going to kill all of you.

• 53:18Speaker 05

  Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How funny is that? You think that's funny, you fat cunt?

• 53:22Speaker 06

  Henry the Fifth doesn't like jokes.

• 53:24Speaker 05

  And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

• 53:25Speaker 06

  Guys, I'm having a laugh.

• 53:27Speaker 05

  We're having a laugh, I'm a fat guy, I'm Johnny, I sent you some tennis balls, haven't I?

• 53:32Speaker 06

  He's got his tits like, eh.

• 53:34Speaker 05

  He wants to titty fuck the Dauphin. Anyone? No?

• 53:37Speaker 06

  Anyone? Seriously, does anyone want to titty fuck the Dauphin?

• 53:39Speaker 05

  No one titty fucked me. What's the point of being Dauphin if I can't get titty fucked?

• 53:42Speaker 06

  Where's Matt Lucas?

• 53:43Speaker 05

  Yeah?

• 53:44Speaker 06

  Now, leave the, leave the shoe polish on.

• 53:46Speaker 05

  Black up and titty fuck me now. That's an order, right? It shouldn't have to be an order, you should want to do it.

• 53:51Speaker 06

  So this is the tense-

• 53:53Speaker 05

  Kind of stuff I say to my wife.

• 53:54Speaker 06

  Yeah, and this is actually in Shakespeare's play, all of this.

• 53:57Speaker 05

  Black up and titty fuck me now, my liege.

• 53:59Speaker 06

  Will no one blacketh upeth and titty fucketh me? And this is just before the interval.

• 54:05Speaker 05

  We happy few.

• 54:06Speaker 06

  This is before the interval, Henry the Fifth. It's a, what's it called, a soliloquy from the Do fans, saying, will no one blacketh upeth and titty fucketh me?

• 54:16Speaker 05

  And that's a line that isn't actually as quoted-

• 54:18Speaker 06

  No.

• 54:19Speaker 05

  -in major tournaments.

• 54:20Speaker 06

  No.

• 54:21Speaker 05

  You know.

• 54:21Speaker 06

  And he says that, and he goes like that, blackout.

• 54:24Speaker 05

  And everyone in the globe goes, thank fuck, I can sit down for a bit now.

• 54:29Speaker 05

  But that's what I say, you know, when there's group sex at my house.

• 54:33Speaker 06

  When there's group sex at your house.

• 54:34Speaker 05

  I'm trying to rouse the rest of the men.

• 54:36Speaker 06

  When there's group sex at my house, go on.

• 54:38Speaker 05

  I say, now all of you, we happy few, we band of brothers, blacketh up and titty fucketh me.

• 54:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, summon up the erections.

• 54:48Speaker 05

  Summon them.

• 54:49Speaker 06

  Stiffen the cocks.

• 54:50Speaker 05

  For those who come with me today will be my brothers.

• 54:55Speaker 06

  Those who come on my titties will be my brothers.

• 54:57Speaker 05

  Now.

• 54:58Speaker 06

  And as it's an interval in the play, it is now an interval in this story.

• 55:01Speaker 05

  Wow, phenomenal. Look at that.

• 55:03Speaker 06

  Next episode, we will be talking about the best, my favourite battle ever, I'd say. Not the most consequential, for sure, but the one that fires me up the most. It's the purest, it's the best, is Agincourt.

• 55:14Speaker 05

  So in fourteen fifteen, Henry the Fifth, he goes, this is fucking ridiculous, I'm gonna kill all your family, tennis balls, you cunt.

• 55:20Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 55:20Speaker 05

  Fuck off.

• 55:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:21Speaker 05

  And he launches as an invasion of France. In our next episode, we will deal with Agincourt, we will deal with siege warfare, we will deal with the longbow. Ladies, you've been warned.

• 55:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:32Speaker 05

  We're gonna get into the physics of the longbow.

• 55:34Speaker 06

  It's good stuff.

• 55:35Speaker 05

  That's already on the Patreon, where for three pounds a month, you can join us in our quest to be bigger than the Taliban.

• 55:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:43Speaker 05

  Join us for early access and bonus episodes, and if not, we'll see you on Thursday for Ashencourt. Bye. Bye.

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