We’re All Cucks, But Some Of Us Never Found the Right Chair | The Napoleonic Wars (Part 4/10)

There’s a cuck inside us all. The Napoleonic Wars (Part Four) This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Chapters: 00:00 - It’s Dad’s Night 03:24 - Intellectual Slaggery 10:23 - A Proud Cuck 16:24 - The Devils Threesome 19:38 - Rock And A Hard Place 23:21 - Drinking The River Nile 27:28 - The Signet Ring 31:50 - Stuck In A Portaloo 39:22 - Crayfish Picking 46:26 - Charlie’s Lizard 48:56 - Finleonic Code 52:33 - Gavin Plumb Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The wheel had roads, electricity had the grid. Innovation needs infrastructure. Plaid makes AI work in finance. Visit plaid.com/ai to learn more.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Welcome back to Finn vs History. Joining me is Horatio Gould.

• 0:28Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  And I'm having a lovely time. I just want everyone to know it. I'm really enjoying this.

• 0:33Speaker 02

  Dad's out at sea.

• 0:34Speaker 01

  No, it's dad's night. Yeah, we've had ladies night, but now the dads are just bobbing on a fucking ring in the middle of the sea.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Fuck off.

• 0:42Speaker 02

  This is the 20 minutes on holiday that your dad will play with you before he gets bored. This is in the middle where it feels like it'll be okay.

• 0:50Speaker 01

  Christ, that was harrowing.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  I thought you were doing it from the perspective of a dad.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  No.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  But you're doing it from the perspective of you 20 years ago.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  Dad.

• 1:01Speaker 02

  This is the middle.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  I got a date with a ping pong actress or whatever they're called, ping pong artist.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess they're artists.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Oh, sorry, artists. Welcome back to our epic series on the Napoleonic Wars. This is part four, where we are discussing the aftermath of the Battle of Denial. Nelson has destroyed Napoleon's navy in Egypt.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  The French are fucked.

• 1:24Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  Just drink it in. It's good stuff. The French are stranded in the desert. And what does Nelson do as soon as he's beaten the navy? He sails to Naples and gets into a polygamous relationship.

• 1:38Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Phenomenal.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  He becomes part of a polycule.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  I mean, this is just not at all.

• 1:42Speaker 02

  What you expect.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  When you're looking at that column, you're not thinking that he's.

• 1:45Speaker 02

  He's a polyamorous icon.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  I mean, polyamory in 18th century Britain is not at all.

• 1:52Speaker 02

  I guess they're still working it out. This is pre-Victorian, so it's before they fucking slap that door shut.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  When do they slap that door shut?

• 1:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  And we've let it open a fraction again now. And it's just, they've just.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  They've ripped that off engines.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  And now no asshole is sacred. So what happens is that he sails to Naples, which he has been to before in 1793. And he's met this woman called Emma Hamilton, Lady Hamilton, who is the wife of Sir William Hamilton, who is the ambassador in Naples. Now Naples is an Italian city-state or some kind of.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  Yes, the kingdom of Naples. It's the centre of.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Yes, it's a kingdom.

• 2:30Speaker 02

  One of the Italian kingdoms.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Because again, Italy does not yet exist.

• 2:32Speaker 02

  No.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  It is a, it's a series of disconnected.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Groping men.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Groping men who are carb loading.

• 2:40Speaker 02

  Basically, what happens when Garibaldi links all together, that these Italian kingdoms are just groping around.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  In the dark for each other.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Eventually, in the 1800s, their hands all grope each other.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  They're both going for the same tip. After you, not after you. And then they realise that they're stronger together. And you know, it's a great day for Italian men. It's a terrible time for Italian women. 1863 is really, they look back on that and go, fuck me. We didn't know how many rapists there were in this peninsula.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  But it's important because Britain needs footholds in the Mediterranean, so they're just trying to.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Rather than handholds in the arse.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  They need to have grope holds.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  They need to have grope holds in the Mediterranean.

• 3:24Speaker 02

  Naples is a very key grope hold for.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  A key grope hold, yeah. And that's what Nelson is doing. He's going there to establish a grope hold.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  When in Rome do as the Romans.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. So he goes to Naples and he links up with this woman, Emma Hamilton, who he had met previously, the wife of the ambassador. Now, she is a bit of a goer.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Yes, to say the least.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  She is a, and at this point, she's not quite as fulsome as the photo Charlie's just put up on the screen. She's famed for her, quote, "attitudes", which is a sort of 18th century slang for slaggery, is it?

• 4:01Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Dramatic performances in which she posed as figures from classical antiquity.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it's intellectual slaggery. There's a.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  I apologise.

• 4:10Speaker 02

  It's an elevated slaggery.

• 4:12Speaker 01

  It's Doctor Kinger from Big Brother.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  Letters after her name, vodka bottle up a snatch.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Well, it's a Don Perignon bottle up a snatch.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  Of course. No, it's Don Julio, 1942. That tequila bottle, super rich going on about.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's classy. It's not just some old fucking.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  Actually, what bottle, we need to know what brand.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Sorry, I just realised that.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  We need to know, what brand does Kinger shove up a fanny? What brand of alcohol is it? Because this, I mean, the whole cultural shockwaves of this incident rest on what brand of alcohol it is.

• 4:42Speaker 02

  I mean, without this, we might not have Kinger putting a bottle up a fanny.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  An un, generic house wine. Yeah.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, come on. Unlabelled.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  So, okay, so it's production wine, which they won't have been able to show. So it will have been like Jacob's Creek or something.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Get that first photo up. Let's just have a look at that. This is Lady Emma Hamilton in Naples.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 5:07Speaker 02

  I mean, that's an iconic moment. It really is.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Well, this is, you know, I was watching this as a young boy. I know, and this is, and this is pre-female orgasm. Remember, I grew up in the times before.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  I imagine, I can't remember when I first, well, when we as a society first learned of the female orgasm.

• 5:23Speaker 02

  Discovered it, I think.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  First discovered it. I believe it was.

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Shackleton found it.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  No, Shackleton thought he'd found it and then he died pursuing it. A brave man who laid down his life in search of this Bigfoot.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Kinger from Big Brother, I think, was the first time I discovered it. It had been kept from me.

• 5:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  I believe it was done in John Major's tenure. I believe that's when.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  Well, that's when it all, that's when the.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Well, this is the fire sale of Sodom is now legal.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  The Pandora's Box when Major got him.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it, Charlie?

• 5:49Speaker 03

  Do you think this is a more powerful act because it was done before phones? Like as for Kinger to do that then, is that more powerful?

• 5:56Speaker 02

  Now, who ca, you know, now the Prime Minister's doing that. It doesn't really, it doesn't really mean anything.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  But at the time, this was quite revolutionary.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Who is our new first, first, first lady, lady Prime Minister? Who's Burnham's wife? What's, who, you know?

• 6:09Speaker 03

  She's a little blonde lady.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  All right.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  She likes art.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  What's her name?

• 6:13Speaker 02

  How do you know this?

• 6:13Speaker 03

  She's quite cool, apparently.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  She's called Andy Burnham?

• 6:15Speaker 01

  She's called Andrea Burnham.

• 6:18Speaker 03

  She's called Marie France Van Heel.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  That's quite a posh name.

• 6:22Speaker 03

  But she is not.

• 6:24Speaker 02

  Doesn't sound northern.

• 6:25Speaker 03

  I think she might be Dutch.

• 6:27Speaker 02

  Fine, gets away with it.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  I'm getting Clegg vibes.

• 6:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  Clegg's miss is an absolute smoke show.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, come on.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Señorita.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Clegg mania never died on that side of the family. I'm still absolutely wild about the other Clegg. Lady Clegg. She's American.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  The other Clegg girl.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  The other Clegg girl. I'm watching that film. Right, anyway, so Emma Hamilton is an absolute goer. She is a filth mistress. She, I believe she got knocked up.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  She's a master of filth, yeah.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  A master of filth, a sexual terrorist. She is, did she become pregnant at age 15, I think?

• 7:03Speaker 02

  She's a jizz Hardy.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Excuse me?

• 7:05Speaker 02

  Like a G Hardy.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  Right, yes, of course, a jizz Hardy. I thought you were quoting Nelson's last words. Jizzle me Hardy, jizzle me. What? What? Yes, so she's a jizz Hardy.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Is she a prostitute? It's not super clear.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  From the Fappi ban.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Is she a prostitute? I don't know. I mean, again, this is Victorian sort of.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  Alcatraz cream pie, sorry.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Alcatraz cream pie is not there. That's not there. Emma Hardy, is Emma Hardy a prostitute? Now, there's also a British Labour MP. We're not talking about that one. No.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  Yes, she clearly looks like a prostitute.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Prostitutes, next.

• 7:47Speaker 01

  She doesn't like a women's footballer. What's she doing in the House of Commons? Disgrace.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Right, artists and diplomats described Emma Hamilton as self-aware in the use of her body. Now, I don't think I'm very self-aware in the use of my body.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  Right.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  And I'd say 80% of my movements are unintentional.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  Like, I'm clumsy, I fart when I don't mean to.

• 8:08Speaker 02

  Okay, I don't think she's doing that.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  No, I don't think she's, I think she's more of a.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  She's only farting when she means to.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  No, she means to fart. You know, I think she's farting with intent.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  I think she's more of a.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Farting, monetising her farts.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  I think she is, well, she is. Nelson has halved her farts in a jar from Egypt and he sailed straight to Naples. Now.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  But she was in the kind of, is it, this is Georgian era?

• 8:28Speaker 01

  We're in the reign of King George III.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, so this is, and London is still in that sort of Restoration glow.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  Just to place this, this is, we're in 1798 at this point. This is after we have lost the colonies. America has gone down its path of mobility scooters and casino floors. So this is, and it's just before King George III, the same king, went fucking mad.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Went absolutely doolally and we had a vegetable for a king for decades.

• 8:59Speaker 02

  But the vibe in London, this is still sort of that kind of post Restoration London where it's quite frivolous, there's lots of frills, it's like everyone's shopping.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's quite like that. And so Lady Hamilton, she would do, I guess she was sort of like an exotic dancer, but for Georgian London.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  In my head, there's a lot of Mrs Muffet's and pie shops.

• 9:19Speaker 02

  Yes, but it's getting a bit randy.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  It's a very randy age.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  There's, men are pulling women's skirts over their head and they've got 15 skirts.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  And they've got like doubloons.

• 9:31Speaker 02

  Constantly.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  They've got, yeah, and they're so horny, they're trying to peel the onion. Can I get some? Where's the cunt? Anyway, but they've got like, is it called doubloons or pantaloons? Everyone's in pantaloons.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  And I think Lady Hamilton started her career a bit wearing dresses for rich women, I believe.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Wearing dresses for rich women.

• 9:50Speaker 02

  You know, when they'd have that thing where you'd have an attractive woman wear a dress for you so you could see what you won't look like in it.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  Right.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. So she's kind of a model, a dancer.

• 9:59Speaker 02

  A society girl.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  A waif.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  And a stray. Now.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  So she comes from a poor background.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, then she gets knocked up by an aristocrat.

• 10:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Anyway, then the woman, the kid rather, gets, she gets taken in by William Hamilton's nephew. And then she ends up fucking her new daddy's uncle.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  So she's fucking the nephew and then his uncle.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  I mean, the woman, the woman likes it up her.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  So I thought you'd have more disguise on that.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  No, no. Emma Hamilton's not putting any disguise on anything, right?

• 10:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's the most charming one.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  History fans, my book is out now. We've hit publication date. The History of Mankind in Its Entirety, abridged by Finn Taylor, historian, forwarded by Professor Horatio Gould.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  Of course, yes. Put it in some historical context.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  That context being today.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  The opinions are of their time, which is now. It's out now and available at all good bookstores and the really sad ones by train stations. Look, look, there I am. Anyone who has a problem with that, I'm going to fight you.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  It's pretty amazing writing a racist book and then having an arse.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a racist book. If anyone's got a problem with it, I'm right, I'm right fucking here. You can address all correspondence with these fists. It's out now. You go and buy a copy. Give it to your dad, your uncle.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  Not your mum.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Not your mum, she won't like it. The audiobook's out now, if you can't be bothered to read. I recommend reading it personally.

• 11:33Speaker 02

  I recommend listening to this on double speed audio. That would be my.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  While you've also got some porn up.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  While you've got some porn up. Subway's have videos, pornography, double speed audio book.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  Goon the audiobook. Okay, this is audiobook to Goon 2.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  Add it to your playlist for audiobooks to Goon 2.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  Low five slurs to Goon 2.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Check it out. Bye.

• 11:55Speaker 00

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• 12:25Speaker 01

  So Nelson, of course, has still got his incredibly boring Fanny Nisbet at home.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  She's loyal though. That's the only thing she has really.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  The problem is, the boring ones are loyal.

• 12:37Speaker 02

  Well, of course you're loyal.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Well, of course you're loyal. I'm the spark in this relationship, you know? I'm the flame, you're the moth. Of course you're loyal.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  It's quite an insult, being your first compliment being loyalty, right?

• 12:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  Well, see, like, he's loyal.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, he doesn't leave.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  It implies that they're sort of stupid.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Hangs around.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  Like a dog.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  Yes, yeah.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  Loyalty is a bit of an insult sometimes, I feel.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Yes, I think so.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  Unless it's like the 15th compliment.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  But it can't be your, it can't be your main thing, loyalty.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  If it's a 15th compliment, then you're probably not that loyal.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  No. Yeah.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  What's the best first compliment?

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Nice, kind?

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Kind, yeah.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 13:13Speaker 02

  Or do you say Charlie?

• 13:14Speaker 03

  Strong.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Really?

• 13:16Speaker 02

  So you're a big might is right sort of guy?

• 13:19Speaker 03

  I think so, yeah.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  It's funny, there's a kid, a kid in my daughter's class, right, is an absolute wet bag, and his dad's a bit of a wetter as well. But then we overheard the dad just, yeah, no, we're not Mexican, sorry, a wet bag, a wetter.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  And we overheard on the way to school, his dad just like going, if any kid, any kid noises, you just fucking hit them, you just fucking smack them, fucking hit them. It's always the wet ones. Sorry, I should say, his dad was like, hey, you hit them, you hit them.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  Right, right. So as a wet dad speaks to his wet child and telling them that to be dry.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  But you don't think that was, that message was getting conveyed?

• 13:53Speaker 01

  No, I'm sure it did get conveyed.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Do you think the dad was maybe talking to himself a little bit?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  I think the dad needs to have a look in the mirror. I think he's, he's born a wetter and needs to try and stop.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  There's generational bullying, isn't there?

• 14:03Speaker 01

  There's generational trauma.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  You could bully a kid so much that their kids are gonna get bullied, just because it just doesn't leave you.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  What is it?

• 14:08Speaker 03

  I was told to thank the bully. If they were being mean, you'd be like, thank you. And then you kind of disarm them.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  This is a mess. What are we doing?

• 14:17Speaker 01

  You're bullying me? I'm just taking it. It's such a mess.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  How do we end up there?

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Where are we going?

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Right, so Fanny, Fanny Nisbet, Nelson is still married to her, but he could not give less of a fuck about her. I don't think in history.

• 14:31Speaker 02

  That's one Fanny he really has not thought about for a long while.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  It's a dry Fanny, to be fair. Nelson, I don't think there's a wife in history who gets more of a hard time than Nelson's first wife, Fanny. I just don't think, I think, I mean, as we'll get to how he treats her at the end, but it's phenomenal.

• 14:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  It's aspirational stuff, so.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  She is punching though, Fanny.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  Of course she's punching.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  So like, you know.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  She looks like a fucking breadbasket, right? He just, he's won the Battle of the Nile, and Britain's heard about this, he's a hero, but he just goes to Naples. And then I don't think he has any real mission there. Does he have some kind of, is he maybe evacuating the King of Naples? Because it's all kicking off, the French are invading a bit there. But he's not really got an legitimate mission. He just basically starts fucking Emma Hamilton whilst in the house of Sir William Hamilton.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  And then we need to get to Sir William Hamilton.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  See, this is, this is the problem. Nelson on land, this is quite a different beast.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  Slippery hill on land.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  On sea, this is an Achilles, this is a hero of the highest proportion. On land, he's a bit of a.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  Shagger.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:34Speaker 02

  He's just, he's all, he's all at sea on land.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  Well, well, but that, but that's the thing with sailors, isn't it? As soon as they get on land, they just wanna fuck everything, because they're at sea the whole time.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  All they've got is biscuits and each other, right?

• 15:45Speaker 02

  All they've got is soggy biscuits.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  That's what they've got. Oh, he's in Naples to repair ships and to help suppress the local uprising and restore the King of Naples.

• 15:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  Right, okay. Basically, as soon as he arrives in Naples and shacks up with Emma Hamilton, he never speaks to his wife again.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  Really?

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  Not once?

• 15:59Speaker 01

  I think he goes back in 1801, Fanny gives him an ultimatum, choose between me and Lady Hamilton, and he's like, Hamilton.

• 16:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, definitely.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Hundred percent.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, hundred percent.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  Hundred percent. Huh? Hundred percent. Fuck off. I love you sincerely, but I cannot forget my obligations to Lady Hamilton or be ungrateful to her. Obligations. So they, all three of them return from the Mediterranean in 1800, and it becomes kind of public knowledge that.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  There's three of us in the marriage.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  Yes, there's three. So this guy, Sir William, I mean, get a photo, get a picture of Sir William Hamilton up. This is an esteemed British, you know, regency cuck. And there's a lot of cucks in this story, but this is a man, a proud cuck. You know.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Is that why he got his medals?

• 16:43Speaker 01

  Sorry, no prouder cuck than that who farms out his wife to a war hero.

• 16:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  You know? And I think maybe, maybe every man.

• 16:50Speaker 02

  He is a diplomat.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  Well, maybe, well, to put it mildly, but maybe every man.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  He understands how to bring parties together.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Maybe every man is a cuck, you just haven't found the right, what's the term?

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Person to fuck your wife?

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Fuck your wife.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  I mean, that's a very profound thought, actually.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Isn't it?

• 17:06Speaker 02

  There's a cuck inside all of us.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  I'm in Flo's style, Flo's style this morning.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  I think.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  There's a cuck inside all of us waiting to get out.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  All you need to do is find the right man to fuck your wife and the right chair. There's a lot of cucks.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Just two things you need.

• 17:19Speaker 02

  There's a lot of cucks who haven't found the right chair.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  I like you, but this is a bit springy. I wanna recline more.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  I think every cuck has a different, that's what's, you know, they're like snowflakes, they're completely unique, every cuck, with how they want to.

• 17:31Speaker 01

  You fucking snowflake watching your wife get railed. We will be talking a history of the cuckold on the Patreon, as we said.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  But what would be your prime cuck, like, spot? How would you like to be sat watching someone have at it?

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Like, on a stool facing, no back, no back of the chair, just like kind of Football Manager.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  Oh, well, I'd be also on the bucket.

• 17:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, be also on the bucket.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  Be also on the bucket's nice. I mean, Football Manager is a good sort of, yeah, I think maybe I could be like.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  And shouting and going, get up.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  I think I'd be like, Arteta, I'm always going out of my technical area. I'm just incredibly, you know, trying to get the crowd involved, you know?

• 18:10Speaker 03

  You're kind of involved there.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  I'm trying to harness the power of the Emirates during it, you know, I'm really trying to get the crowd behind.

• 18:16Speaker 01

  I'm doing the Poznan. I'm making a political statement as to who's fucking my wife.

• 18:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:22Speaker 02

  Okay, you're Paul Golding it.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  I'm Paul Golding it, yeah. No, not on my name. So anyway, so Sir William Hamilton, okay. Whether he is a cuckold, or whether he just is, you know, is a war hero. I mean, would I let Simon Weston have sex with my wife? Maybe.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  With the right chair.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  With the right chair, with the right chair. I mean, that man, not Trevor Nelson, not Trevor Nelson. Trevor Nelson did not, Trevor Nelson did not single-handedly, okay, reclaim the Falklands, so Simon Weston did.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  Yeah? Okay. So if, I mean, I would let Simon Weston have sex with my wife if, as you say, I found the right chair or bucket. Anyway, he also, so they all live together in a big house, right? He becomes Nelson's financial patron. I mean, one can only hope that our patrons would get to the point where they're paying us to fuck their wives. I don't want that. Whatever you call a wife, I'm not going to put my dick in your body pillow, all right?

• 19:18Speaker 01

  So it's an open menage a trois. I lived at this place in Merton, they build this big house.

• 19:23Speaker 02

  But when they say menage a trois, Nelson and William aren't, I don't think they go, but it feels a little bit.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  We don't know, do we? Can we find out? Was there any moment where Emma was tired and Nelson and Sir William got down to business?

• 19:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, but they're sort of fucking each other through Emma Hamilton.

• 19:38Speaker 01

  But also, you know, Nelson only has one arm, so that limits the amount of threesome.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  This is a two-man job sort of stuff.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Oi, Sir William, help me out here.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Um, no, Lord Nelson Sir William Hamilton did not have a sexual relationship. Instead, they shared a famous and unconventional menage a trois centered around Sir William's wife.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  Sent shockwaves through Georgian London, surely.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Hang on, is this a devil's threesome situation?

• 20:05Speaker 02

  What's a devil's threesome?

• 20:07Speaker 01

  Uh, two blokes and a girl. Or, because there's a threesome and there's a devil's threesome.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Is this?

• 20:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's one which is the greatest moment of your life and one which traumatizes you forever.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. One's like, oh no.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  Greatest moment of your life, I lost my best friend.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  I don't want to ever talk.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  I lost.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  It's the two options.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  They refer to themselves as the tria juncto in uno, three joined in one.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Smug now.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Now, that implies there was some, there was some, you know.

• 20:40Speaker 02

  I don't like how confident the records are that they didn't.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  This is a war.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  Cause I'm Ridley Scott directing this. Were you there? I'm making the, I'm, cause I open it with just, the whole film is just those.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  It's just a veteran spit roast.

• 20:52Speaker 02

  Were you there?

• 20:53Speaker 01

  It's a veteran spit roast.

• 20:56Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, we don't really know whether there was any action. They were spit roasting Emma Hamilton. Maybe they were just, she was just, you know, there was shift, it was shift work, you know, much like.

• 21:05Speaker 02

  Right, okay.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  You're, you're, go on, you're up.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Well, have you seen like when those like workers are hammering in a nail and they have that rhythm?

• 21:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  So it's like.

• 21:13Speaker 01

  Clocking in.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  There is trying.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  Maybe it's like, it's, um, maybe her fanny is like a never ending stew in that there's always gonna be a.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  There's always gonna be something in it. So they're just tapping out to like, um, you know.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, 20 years or perpetual.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  She's got a perpetual stew of a snatch as, um.

• 21:35Speaker 02

  She's got a perpetual snatch.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Christ.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  So, uh, now they, right, so the press, uh, they obviously go wild on this. This is tabloid tittle tattle. They mock Emma who, uh, gains weight and drinks heavily. But that only seems to, I mean, that's just more, more cushion for the pushing as far as, as far as Sir William.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  More cushion for the.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  More cushion for the pushing. Is that a cartoon? Yeah, you're right. This is a very bawdy age. You've got punch cartoons.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  You can see where it's all come from though. We have not moved far.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  No.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  At all.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  So, uh, they all, they all shack up in this house in Merton, then Surrey, which is now the end of the Northern Line. I guess you can still go there on like a day out to the sort of cucks palace at the end of the Northern Line.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  It's like going to Harge for cucks.

• 22:22Speaker 03

  Are they all loving it or is, is anyone?

• 22:24Speaker 01

  Yes, I think they are. Well, yeah, they're openly saying this is, this is us now.

• 22:27Speaker 03

  She's loving it.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  Well, clearly.

• 22:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:30Speaker 03

  Who loves it the most?

• 22:31Speaker 01

  Her, then Nelson, then Sir William, who I think is, is, is at best mildly enjoying it and at worst just stoic.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Well, at best, I think, uh, the whole, he prefers having someone else fuck his wife.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. She's obviously too much for him, so actually.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  But he's a diplomat.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  You know, let's get around the table.

• 22:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  You guys get on the table. I'll sit here. So eventually, rather unsurprisingly, um, Nelson and Emma have a daughter. However, this is a great scandal, so they don't admit.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  The wedlock.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  It's out of wedlock. He's still married to Fanny at this point because divorce is very difficult. So he's just separated. He's just told to fuck off. You're disgusting.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  But, uh, they're not, they're still actually married. So, and he's, you know, he's a, he's a war hero, but his, uh, his stock is falling rapidly amongst the Admiralty. Because he's also betrayed orders, I think, to go to Naples in the first place.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  The Naples incident is sort of the low point of his career.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  This is like, this is like Bond going rogue.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  And they'll, uh, to, you know, because of a sort of woman's, the Bond girls kind of sides quest.

• 23:35Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  But, uh, so he, they have a daughter which they deny. However, she looks just like Nelson and they call her Horatio.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Yep. I would call my daughter Horatio as well.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  You should call your daughter Horatio. Um, and, but if you're gonna have an illegitimate child and deny it, you can't just change one letter of your name. That's my advice.

• 23:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, hiding in plain sight, I guess.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Anyway, so, uh, he is kind of, it's a fall from grace of sorts for the hero of the Nile. However, in, uh, April 1801, his stock starts to rise again.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Now, the geopolitical context.

• 24:11Speaker 02

  Back on sea, it's electric, it's box office.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  Exactly, yeah.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  It's just when he's on land, it's a problem.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  He pulls his trousers up, he gets back in the boat and he's a hero again, right? Now.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  Straight back at it.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  The, gee, allow me to cook on the geopolitical context for 1801.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  You don't want to be in Copenhagen's position in 1801.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  I wouldn't want to be in Copenhagen in 1801.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  That is, I tell you what, if you're in a menage a trois, the last thing you want to be is Copenhagen.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  No, absolutely not. Cause Nelson's coming to fuck you up. Yeah?

• 24:37Speaker 02

  Well, you've got it. Basically, the, the, the 1801, the problem with Copenhagen is they had to make a choice. Is Napoleon gonna fuck me on land or is Nelson gonna fuck me from the sea? That was their entire choice.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, rock and a hard place.

• 24:48Speaker 02

  Really? Yeah.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Basically, there is a, uh, what's called, uh, is it the coalition of neutrality or the alliance of neutrality? Between the Baltic States and I think Russia.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  Because at this point, I think maybe we're into the war of the second or third coalition where, uh, everyone is ganging up on Napoleon. But the Baltic States, basically, they just want to trade the alliance of neutrality, uh, the League of Arms neutrality, that's it. But Britain don't want this. They want them to gang up on Napoleon because Britain are being squeezed out. So, uh, Nelson in 1801 leads 12 ships into shallow waters against anchored Danish floating batteries. His superior commander, Sir Hyde Parker, tells him to retreat. Nelson, sensing victory, lifts the telescope.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  So why, why, what, what was the reason they're attacking Denmark?

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Because they want to, uh, basically force the, the neutrality is essentially means we're joining with Napoleon. They're saying we're neutral.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, that's, that, yeah, but it was a fundamental choice that they, if they, if they decided with Britain, Napoleon would have fucked them. So it was, it was a pretty impossible choice.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  So Hyde Parker puts the flags up saying retreat.

• 25:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  And then Nelson's got a flag on his ship to his little, uh, other mates saying engage the enemy more closely, right? Nelson lifts the telescope to his blind eye.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  And then goes, oh, well, I can't see anything. Fuck it. Let's just keep attacking. Uh, and this is where we get the, uh, saying, turning a blind eye.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Hmm. The Danes are overwhelmed and Nelson forces them into a truce. And pretty quickly, the, um, what you would say is an anti-British alliance dissipates.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  But there's no bad feeling towards the Danes and the Brits. They said they fought well and they kind of, they had no real choice.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  No, I mean, they're, you know, Nelson is just, uh.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Chucking Lego at, at the ships.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. Uh, that's what Nelson is up to. His stock is, is rising again after a pretty crazy private life. Where is stinky old Napoleon?

• 26:48Speaker 02

  He's in denial.

• 26:49Speaker 01

  He is in denial. He's in denial, brother.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  He, uh, has been stranded in Egypt. Uh, now he's kind of putting a brave face on it. He's, he, he starts a scientific institution in the, the institution of Cairo, the Cairo Institute.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Where many scholars and racists start measuring skulls. It sparks a revolt in Egypt. Now the French claim, and this is all the first time that European powers claim this, is that we're like here to liberate you from your own.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Cause you've got the revolutionary principles.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  That you can now start to do ideological liberation.

• 27:23Speaker 01

  Sort of liberal interventionism in a way.

• 27:26Speaker 02

  If you've had a revolution based on no kings.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:30Speaker 02

  It becomes harder to justify domination of others. So it has to be spreading revolution, basically.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  He's also, uh. Charlie, what have you found?

• 27:40Speaker 03

  It would have taken Napoleon about 79 million years to drink the river, to drink the River Nile by himself.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Crucial, crucial information for our listeners.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  Three liters a day.

• 27:48Speaker 02

  Napoleon, he was, he had a couple of, it was a bit of a crossroads after he lost the Battle of the Nile.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  What should I do next? Should I try and establish a colony or should I drink the entire River Nile by myself? I have many men here, but I think I could take this myself. And thankfully he chose the right path.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  I think, I think after the 79 million years, I think he wouldn't have achieved a lot.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  This would have been a shorter series had Napoleon chosen that fork. I'm going to drink the entire River Nile by myself.

• 28:16Speaker 02

  I do, I do love AI. Really gives it a go.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  Well, three liters a day, it thinks. Well, that's human daily water intake, but what if he was actually trying, you know?

• 28:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you try really hard.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  Wait, wait, let's find out this is good.

• 28:30Speaker 02

  79 million years.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  We should just find this out. This is crucial.

• 28:33Speaker 03

  31.7 million years.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Okay, well, we're, we're shaving time off.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  It feels like we could get it down to an achievement. We've just lost 40 million years.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  I'm seeing 31 million years. I'm like, okay, well, that's not too bad.

• 28:44Speaker 01

  We're getting there. We're getting there.

• 28:46Speaker 03

  Okay, so if they had his mum hostage, it would take him 80 million years.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  What? That's longer.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Well.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Even with the maximum motivation.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  He had a complicated relationship with his mother.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, he did. Napoleon is, um, yeah, he basically goes up to, uh, the Egyptians like, hey, I'm a, I'm a friend of, uh, I'm a friend of the prophet. I'm one of you guys. And he, did he give the name, he gives himself the name Ali Bonaparte.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Hey.

• 29:15Speaker 02

  Trying to get through customs.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  Wagwamelekeum, you know, assamalekeum, brother. I'm Ali Bonaparte, yeah? And Egyptians are like, really?

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  And no, this leads to the Cairo uprising later in 1798, because he's taxing them. And he basically does what he did in 1795, where he just fires artillery at them from point blank range. They all go and hide in a mosque and then he just fucking gets them out and starts shooting them.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  But the whole time, what did he say? He said, God is too late, you've begun, now I will finish. And then he just starts blasting at the mosque.

• 29:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. Is this his biggest boo boo on the sort of?

• 29:53Speaker 01

  The next boo boo is when he invades Syria, right? And this is because he's trying to, Syria at this point is run by the Ottomans. And the Ottomans are also, are they fighting him as well at this point?

• 30:06Speaker 02

  But the Ottoman Empire's creaking at this point, right? It's not what it was.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 30:09Speaker 02

  This is not at its pomp, I don't think.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  I don't know. So he gets to Jaffa in what would now be Israel?

• 30:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  And he gets two, 3,000 Ottoman prisoners. And they are executed entirely by bayonet or drowning in order to save gunpowder.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  Because they're all in the river, the corpses are in the river in the heat. This triggers an outbreak of bubonic plague, which runs through the French army. Thousands of soldiers have this desert blindness, which we said. So they're trying to retreat, but they can't see where they're going.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  They also tried to drink the entire Nile by themselves, which is not so good. That's not, that's not going to help.

• 30:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  And so Napoleon asks his physician to give the soldiers fatal doses of opium to euthanize them. And the physician refuses, saying, my profession is to cure men, not to kill them.

• 31:04Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  And so Napoleon, you know, there's also, there's also a big siege at Acre.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  He tries to take that.

• 31:13Speaker 02

  It was the old crusade estate.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  It is. Napoleon just fucks off.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:17Speaker 01

  He just flees. He's just like, ah, all right then, I'll see ya.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  Stagged him and the stag disappeared. And then you're stuck speaking to the mutual friend.

• 31:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  You'd have nothing in common with.

• 31:28Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  You know, have you ever been on a stag where the stag maybe drunk too much and has collapsed early? And then you're like, well, we don't really know. The whole thing, we're all doing it to make sure he has, we were chucking dicks at the stag, but now it's like.

• 31:43Speaker 01

  Who are we?

• 31:43Speaker 02

  Who are we?

• 31:44Speaker 01

  I got cornered in a stag with two people having a debate about what you can and can't say in comedy. And I was like, I don't want to be here. You'd have this.

• 31:51Speaker 02

  Wait the stag back up again.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 03

  Have you told your story about the signet ring in Benidorm?

• 31:55Speaker 02

  A guy on a stag do, the groom fell asleep. And then one of his mates thought it'd be funny to put his signet ring on his knob. When the guy woke up, he had morning wood. His knob had gone black and it had to be removed. And then.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Removed?

• 32:14Speaker 02

  Removed. Yeah, his knob removed on the stag.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  You've skirted over that. Had to be removed.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  Had to be removed. And then, yeah, his, his wife decided not to marry him because he had no knob. Which is probably the worst.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Sorry?

• 32:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, probably not. But she's probably, I think the fallout, and then also the person who put the signet ring on his knob, he lost his wife as well because of the shame.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Oh, that's very sad.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  So it's kind of like, it's one of the least successful stag do's ever. If you go on a stag do and you come back with no wife or knob, it's pretty much as bad as it gets.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess that's the worst case scenario. I suppose, not, just to play devil's advocate, is there any chance that the bride maybe thought, how small was his knob? That he could get a signet ring on it?

• 33:02Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:03Speaker 01

  Or how big were his hands?

• 33:04Speaker 02

  Is this what the devil's advocating for?

• 33:05Speaker 01

  This is what I would just, these questions I'm asking to this story.

• 33:09Speaker 02

  So you think it was more, it's similar, well, it was more just it.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Well, if you can't fucking put a signet ring on without your knob falling off, then yeah.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Sorry, you said you saw a photo of what?

• 33:18Speaker 02

  I did see a photo, I saw a photo of the knob. And it is what you imagined.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  What, black?

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Black with the signet ring at the bottom.

• 33:24Speaker 03

  But like coal, like coal black.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  Can I see this photo?

• 33:28Speaker 02

  I haven't got it. I was shown on someone else's phone.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, she goes to a different school. Right, brilliant.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, all right. So Finn doesn't get to see the big black knob.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  So I don't get to see the black knob with a signet ring on it. Literally my two favourite things in the world, I don't get to see.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  So Napoleon just basically abandons his army in Egypt. Is it 30,000 men are just left behind? He secretly just fucks off, right? This remaining force surrenders to the British and the Ottomans in 1801. Thankfully, the British regain control of the Rosetta Stone. That goes in the museum, safekeeping. Don't worry, it's fine.

• 34:05Speaker 02

  So it's a complete disaster for Napoleon.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  It's awful.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  But he sells it as a big victory.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  This is the thing.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  The painting of him by the pyramids.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  We feel the hand of history on our shoulder. He's aware, he's a mythopedophile. He's making his own legacy as he goes.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  And as the book we're reading, he's a tactical genius, but not a strategic genius.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  If you're doing it on a match, brilliant, but you're doing it.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Over a season.

• 34:26Speaker 02

  Over a season, there's a lot of errors, you know?

• 34:29Speaker 01

  So scores and adores, his Egyptian campaign ends with the entire fleet being destroyed. His army is riddled with plague. The Syria campaign's a disaster. 30,000 soldiers are abandoned. However, he sends letters to France and gets paintings of him with the pyramids. He says he's annihilated the Ottoman threat. He emphasizes the Battle of the Pyramids as historic battle. And sort of just kind of minimizes the Nile and the Acre siege. And then he famously remarks, which is a, it's a huge quote for us as a podcast. History is a set of lies agreed upon. I couldn't agree more.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. We can agree on that lie.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  I actually, do you know what? I actually tweaked that to say to history is calling people paedophiles. That aren't here to defend themselves. That's what, that's what I would say. That's what I would say. It's a small tweak on Napoleon's famous quote. History's actually calling everyone a paedophile who's not alive to justify themselves. And throwing at doubt over agreed paedophiles. That's, that's what history is, from my point of view. But that's where, you know, me and Napoleon differ on many things.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Anyway, so he goes back to France. Now, he's obviously humiliated because while he's been in Egypt, he's found out that his sexy, coal-mouthed minx of a wife has been nosing off a dandy called Hippolyte.

• 35:50Speaker 00

  The wheel had roads. Electricity had the grid. Innovation needs infrastructure. Plaid makes AI work in finance. Visit plaid.com slash AI to learn more.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  And so he goes back, storms in and says, I'm going to divorce you, Josephine. Throws out all her stuff, locks himself in his bedroom. All right, which is not, this is all the most of Alpha move.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  Striking all those.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  Slams his door and then goes cries on his bed.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Fuck you, wife!

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Josephine returns, pounding on the door. She then deploys her teenage children to weep hysterically with her for hours. And then Napoleon.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  So it's all like when you can, like it's an African wedding, African funeral.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:38Speaker 02

  Where you can sort of pay people. You've seen about, you can pay people to weep for your wedding.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  In Japan, they do it. In Japan, you can hire a mourner.

• 36:45Speaker 03

  Apparently Nigerian weddings, you give money, the bride will stand there with a straight face. And then you give money until she smiles. So the longer, so as long as she can hold down the.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  That's, that's awesome.

• 36:56Speaker 03

  But as soon as she smiles, you have to stop giving money.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  That's a great game.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  So is she smiling because she's happy or is she smiling?

• 37:01Speaker 01

  No, that's like, that's, that's, I mean, what, if you can, if you can hold a straight face, your future could be secure.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  I don't think I'd last long.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:09Speaker 02

  Well, you get a fiver and you're like, brilliant.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  You should ask for gifts because you're not getting, you're not getting the equivalent value of like a John Lewis dinner set or something. I reckon I could make quite a good bank there.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  It's hard. But then I guess.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  If someone's giving you money, it's hard not to smile.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  Are they giving you money in a funny way?

• 37:30Speaker 02

  Well, that's probably the way when, once, if they, if they've got a hard defence, you might have to bring out a lot of the gags.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  So Napoleon takes Josephine back because ultimately he just can't resist.

• 37:42Speaker 02

  He's a complete simp.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  Explain simp.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  Simp means that you're just like, you're a complete bitch to your, to your girl, basically.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 37:49Speaker 02

  You would do anything for her.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  He's pussy whipped.

• 37:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's pussy whipped.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  He just can't resist the allure of her black mouth.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. She'd be gobbling up all the cocks that fall off as stag do's.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Yes, she's got pinky ring cocks for teeth.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  So in November 1799, this is where Napoleon, so he comes back and he's a war hero. And he is probably the most famous man in France. And at this point, the French, there's been a decade of revolution. The economy, it's like Weimar, Germany, it's like just nothing worked, there's no money.

• 38:24Speaker 02

  Living in France, yeah, for like 200 years, until, until it gets to like Belle Époque, it's pretty much hell for 200 years.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  I mean, I think, I think the Belle Époque is a blip in a, in a pretty consistent story of we are a toilet. You know, the best time to live in a toilet, we're still living in a toilet.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  Oh, there was a day where they cleaned it.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, brilliant. Charlie, can you get, man found in portalo toilet?

• 38:54Speaker 02

  So you could, this is what you're saying is being born in France. Oh, his head might be appearing. There he is. That's the top of his head.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Full screen it.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  It's the top of his head. So that's being born in France.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Fucking hell.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  Do we see what he looks like when he gets out?

• 39:13Speaker 02

  I think you get Sim being hosed down. Yeah, there is being hosed down.

• 39:17Speaker 03

  How's he got in there?

• 39:18Speaker 01

  And he was trying to get a can of Mountain Dew.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  Friend of the pod, a patron, obviously. Our patrons are often getting stuck in portaloos trying to achieve their Mountain Dew.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  It's stupid getting stuck in a portaloos.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  That's a sin.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  But getting stuck in a portaloos for eight hours is also like, it feels like it's surely there's ways of being found in a portaloos. Is no one using it? I don't know.

• 39:41Speaker 03

  Is he directly under the toilet?

• 39:42Speaker 02

  I don't quite understand the mechanics of it.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Or can you hide?

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Well, there's no, there's famously-

• 39:47Speaker 02

  Where was this Mountain Dew?

• 39:48Speaker 01

  Well, there's no, there's no drainage, so it ends where you see it, right? So he is just in the tank. So he's sitting like this in a portaloos and then his head's there and the seat's there. Cause there's nowhere else to go in a portaloos. It's a portaloos.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Maybe the Mountain Dew wasn't in there. He just spent eight hours looking.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  Are you saying that, does Wellington defeat Napoleon at portaloos?

• 40:09Speaker 01

  He traps him in a purple toilet for eight hours. Right, come on. So Napoleon seizes power in the coup of 18th of Brumaire. Now, I'm not going to get into the fucking noncery that the French do where they change all, they poll pot it. They make it year zero, they change the calendar, there are 10 days in a week, everyone hates it.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  It's chaos.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  It's bollocks, right? Anyway, it's in November. So a group of politicians, they think, right, this is chaos, so we need a strong leader. Essentially, we've had 10 years of supposedly left wing revolution, but we need an enlightened dictator is the thought.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  It's kind of understandable.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  Yes. And so they concoct this fake Jacobin plot. The Jacobins are the most extreme, they're the original wokerati.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  Right, yeah. Corbynites.

• 40:53Speaker 01

  They're Corbynistas are the Jacobins, yeah.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  So they, they then force the then like council to relocate to this kind of manor house outside Paris. Then the army surround the assembly.

• 41:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  And then, this is the big moment, right? So Napoleon is meant to like walk in gloriously and say, I've arrived, I'm going to seize power. You know, you think of Edom Edin seizing power and he's firing the cannon himself at the palace. Napoleon walks, walks into the palace, has a full panic attack, gets shouted at and then scratches himself so hard he bleeds.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  Right. You know, the aura doesn't quite live up-

• 41:30Speaker 02

  No.

• 41:30Speaker 01

  -to the paintings of it. He gives a very confused speech, but he nearly faints and then everyone shouts and says he's an outlaw and a criminal. So then he like runs out and his brother, Lucien, basically saves the coup because he pulls out a sword, points at Napoleon in front of the troops and says, if he betrays you, I'll kill him. And then all the troops go in and just, there's a painting of the coup there, let's get that up. So he seizes power, you know, basically just about by the skin of his teeth.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, which does not chime with him becoming the ultimate emperor of France.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  Not at all. But again, it's mythmaking and it's the era of the romantic propaganda. So he makes himself first consul. He's talking back to the Roman Empire.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  Now, once he's established his absolute power, he needs a military victory to-

• 42:23Speaker 02

  Cement it.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  Cement it. So here we go, folks.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  He's a crowd pleaser.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  Here is another one of our buzzwords that will make prostates implode. We get to the crossing of the Alps-

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  -and the Battle of Marengo.

• 42:37Speaker 01

  This is in May 1800. Now, Napoleon had been cooking in northern Italy.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  It's not the Battle of Garth Marengo, Charlie, it's the Battle of Marengo. A lovely place to cook. And he does invent a dish called Chicken Marengo.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  Was he?

• 42:51Speaker 01

  He does, yeah. I'll get to that. Yes, he does.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  It's his favourite.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  It is his favourite dish. And it's made during this campaign.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  Of course Charlie knows what it's-

• 42:59Speaker 01

  The only thing he knows. It's the thing he, yeah. So-

• 43:01Speaker 02

  It's his favourite.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  It is his favourite dish, is Chicken Marengo. Now, what's been happening while he's been in Egypt is that the Austrians have been ding donging it back across Italy. And basically all of his gains he made in 1797 have been lost.

• 43:17Speaker 02

  Right.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  So he's like, right, fuck it, I'm going back.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  So he, he crosses the Alps.

• 43:25Speaker 02

  Which must be invoking Hannibal.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Oh, totally.

• 43:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  Right. So he, the great St Bernard pass.

• 43:32Speaker 02

  And this is probably maybe the most famous painting of Napoleon.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, get the painting up. The painting, he gets a painting done of him crossing the Alps and it's him on a white horse. And it's him in his, in his flowing cloak and his robes and the horse is rearing, but he looks calm. And there's a bit of a Hitler salute going on, which I don't hate. And but in reality, he was dressed basically in like a full wool burka.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:56Speaker 01

  Big Russian hat and he was on a donkey and he was being-

• 43:59Speaker 02

  This is the most like AI face apt.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  I mean, he'd basically, AI, can you AI this to make it look better?

• 44:08Speaker 01

  And so he crosses the Alps on a mule. He survives the pass. This is all very icy, it's horrible, horses are, you know, slipping and blah, blah, blah. Anyway. Now, he actually completely fucks up the attack. He splits his forces to try and encircle the Austrian forces at Marengo. But what happens is that the Austrians see what he's doing, so they just all attack him at once. And so he has basically lost the, he's lost the battle because the Austrians surprised him with an ambush, right? And so they're retreating, they're pushed back, they're in totally dis, total disarray.

• 44:50Speaker 01

  And the Austrian general, basically a sort of like four o'clock in the afternoon thinks we've won this, right? So he goes to his tent to have a nap. And meanwhile, the other force that had left to pincer the Austrians finally arrives back.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  And then suddenly they are fresh and they, they have, I think there's only 500 cavalry.

• 45:10Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  But they just charge in and the Austrians have basically been thinking we're, this is like a victorious, a victory lap. And suddenly Napoleon's cavalry, who he'd abandoned, come back in-

• 45:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  -and just start fucking shit up. And there's the horses.

• 45:25Speaker 02

  So I didn't know, this is one of his closest proper battles.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  He basically has lost this until the last hour. It's Man United against Bayern Munich.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  They're 1-0 down for the whole game. And then suddenly, so cha!

• 45:36Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:36Speaker 01

  So the cavalry come in and there's maybe 400 cavalry, but they, I mean, again, this is why I love the Napoleonic Wars. You know, you've got muskets and artillery, but you get fucked up by guys on horses with swords.

• 45:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  You know, it's awesome.

• 45:48Speaker 02

  The guns aren't good enough that you can still not get front of a horse.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  Cause you fire them and then you're like, ah, fuck, you know.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Every time they fire, they've got to bust one out, you know?

• 46:00Speaker 02

  Basically.

• 46:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. So they can only fire like around every four minutes.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:05Speaker 01

  Essentially Austria had won it, but then this lethal cavalry charge, and then they get the artillery in. And so Marengo, within an hour and a half, is completely flipped. And it's a famous French victory from the jewels of defeat. And so Napoleon says, fortune smiled upon me. Again, he adds this word-

• 46:25Speaker 02

  So this is probably the luckiest he's ever is on the field of battle.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, probably.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Most of the time it's, yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  And so again, he adds Marengo to that list of famous battles. You know, he says, Battle of the Pyramids, Lodi, Marengo. So he basically gets the Austrians to sign a peace treaty. And Chicken Marengo is the big thing to come from this.

• 46:50Speaker 02

  Can you type in Chicken Marengo on this?

• 46:52Speaker 01

  So, images of Chicken Marengo. His chef had basically went out and couldn't find anything. So he just came, because they lost this supply wagon. So they came back with eggs, tomatoes, garlic, crayfish and a skinny chicken.

• 47:06Speaker 02

  Feels like they got quite a lot of stuff there.

• 47:07Speaker 01

  And he fried them in cognac and this is, and then Napoleon basically ate this after every victory he had for the rest of his career.

• 47:13Speaker 02

  Have you ever had Chicken Marengo?

• 47:13Speaker 01

  No, but I want it. Sounds good.

• 47:15Speaker 02

  It's delicious. Have you had it?

• 47:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've had it, yeah.

• 47:17Speaker 01

  Where'd you have it?

• 47:17Speaker 03

  My house.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  You made it?

• 47:19Speaker 03

  My friend makes it. He loves meat.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Your friend makes Chicken Marengo?

• 47:23Speaker 03

  He cooks it, yeah. He loves, he's like a meat, he's a meat guy.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  I don't, so-

• 47:27Speaker 02

  It feels like Marengo, you have to have done something with your day.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  I don't believe you.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  Well, you should believe me. I'll tell, I'll send you a photo next time he does it.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  Yes, please, please do.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  That, he does loads of lamb and he sometimes does fish.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not saying your friend doesn't cook chicken. What I'm throwing doubts over is that your friend on the regular cooks Napoleon's favourite dish, Chicken Marengo.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  He has cooked it.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  Do you feel like Chicken Marengo, you have to have done something with your day? Cause it's a victory dish in many ways.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  It's not a wake and bake situation.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  You can't be like, you can't have done nothing and then, yeah.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  I'll get Marengo on, love.

• 47:59Speaker 02

  It feels there has to be some feel of achievement with your day to celebrate it.

• 48:03Speaker 03

  You can have it with pasta.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  And that's looked fucking awesome to me.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, looks delicious. Chicken and crayfish is an odd combination. And eggs.

• 48:10Speaker 03

  You know, we have crayfish in our rivers. Loads of them.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I'm aware.

• 48:12Speaker 03

  Have you ever been picking?

• 48:14Speaker 01

  Have I ever been to a river?

• 48:15Speaker 02

  Crayfish picking?

• 48:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  No view?

• 48:17Speaker 03

  Yes. Minced love of ruin.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  Right, come on, come on.

• 48:21Speaker 02

  Did you eat them?

• 48:21Speaker 03

  You play with them and then you-

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Oh my god, the erections are flanking. There's a pinky ring over these men's knobs, right? You know, we've got them hard and then you put, you're talking about fucking hunting for crayfish. Come on! This is a month where the women aren't here, Charlie.

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Minced love of ruin is, it's got loads of crayfish.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  So Napoleon has not only another famous battle to add to his list. He has also made a dish that Charlie's flatmate supposedly still makes to this day.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  Henry.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  Henry.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  Say his name.

• 48:52Speaker 03

  Henry makes Marengo.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  Henry makes Chicken Marengo and they feed it to their fucked up lizard. All right?

• 48:59Speaker 03

  Roger's better now.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  You rejoice. Charlie's lizard has kicked whatever skin condition it had.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  Full recovery, it's actually like-

• 49:07Speaker 01

  Brilliant, well brilliant.

• 49:07Speaker 02

  Miraculous.

• 49:08Speaker 03

  It's like having a dog.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Well, let's stop the podcast and not each other off, should we?

• 49:11Speaker 02

  Well, I don't know where you got that from.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  Should we do that?

• 49:15Speaker 02

  No.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  All right.

• 49:18Speaker 01

  So having, having got back to France, Napoleon has consolidated power. But he goes further. He basically, there's a lot of revolutionary newspapers and he just goes, no, they're all in the bin.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  He maybe just leaves two.

• 49:32Speaker 02

  This is dictator 101.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  This is, but this is what I mean.

• 49:35Speaker 02

  Take control of the press.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  It's what the European dictators do.

• 49:38Speaker 02

  If Belisconi, you know, run, run your own news channel.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  He starts a secret police under a guy called Joseph Fouchet. Now, he was so brutal. What had he done during?

• 49:49Speaker 02

  Oh, let's get a picture of Fouchet up as well.

• 49:50Speaker 01

  The Butcher of Lyon. So during the revolution, during the terror, he had, he'd just been chopping people's heads off.

• 49:56Speaker 02

  In any of these moments of like historical sort of terror and spasm, you will just have a sick fuck who's taking advantage.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  Like these sort of like Jeffrey Dahmer types where just history's fallen, where it's sort of socially acceptable to do what? Look at that.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  Oh, he looks like an evil kind of guy.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  One of the most evil French faces I've ever seen in my life. Look at that.

• 50:14Speaker 03

  He looks like the Voldemort in Harry Potter one.

• 50:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, he does.

• 50:18Speaker 03

  Look, he looks just like.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he becomes, he's like a, he makes a secret police, right? So there's even a moment where having reconciled with Josephine, he then, Josephine starts getting people to spy on Napoleon and his mistresses. So then Napoleon gets Fouchet to spy on, on her spies. It's not a happy marriage. But he also forms the Napoleonic Code.

• 50:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  Right. Which is his, this I guess is his, his Nuremberg laws, would you say?

• 50:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, this is, this is.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Would you give that to me?

• 50:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would give that to you. I mean, this is where he sorts.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  Would you give that to me? Show it on my arse, please?

• 51:01Speaker 02

  He starts to sort of differ maybe from some of the other historical figures is how alongside all these battles, doing a pretty revolutionary domestic political code.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  That is exported and still used. I mean, this is still.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  Finleonic Code.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  It's still.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Good to have a code, ain't it, Martin?

• 51:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, you want a code.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  You want a code. So this is his code.

• 51:20Speaker 02

  I mean, this is still in the kind of basis of a kind of a constitution in France.

• 51:25Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 51:26Speaker 02

  In some ways.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  You tell me whether this is still France today. Freedom of religion.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  Protected individual property rights.

• 51:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  Ended the idea of noble birth privileges.

• 51:36Speaker 02

  All equal for the law. That's pretty radical for a time.

• 51:39Speaker 01

  Legally owed obedience to their husbands.

• 51:41Speaker 02

  Right.

• 51:42Speaker 01

  Women are classified alongside minors.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  Yes, that was the interesting thing. So the Napoleonic Code was incredibly radical from a liberal perspective.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  I'm a paedophile, I guess.

• 51:51Speaker 02

  Apart from women.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  I guess I'm a paedophile.

• 51:54Speaker 02

  It was kind of also the, because it was basically one of the most radical political documents, making everyone equal apart from women.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  And children.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  Women are children.

• 52:03Speaker 02

  It's kind of amazing.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  All right.

• 52:06Speaker 02

  Some of the stuff in here is basically the birth of modernity. The only thing is it goes backwards for women.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, women have a terrible time.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  But it's even worse than before the revolution now.

• 52:15Speaker 01

  It's beyond medieval. So he's like, we're all created equal, not you. You're basically just children. Women could be imprisoned for infidelity, right? Whereas a husband would only face legal consequences if he brings the mistress into the family home.

• 52:31Speaker 02

  I mean, yeah, that's.

• 52:32Speaker 01

  Fair enough. Also, if a man walked in on a woman having sex with someone else, he could shoot the woman.

• 52:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:40Speaker 01

  If a woman walked in on a man having sex with a woman, she could just fire, she could just sue him.

• 52:46Speaker 02

  She could kill herself.

• 52:47Speaker 01

  She could kill herself. Be glad of it. Women are classified as minors.

• 52:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, so.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  So we're all Napoleonic pedos.

• 52:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is, this is real incel stuff here though.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:58Speaker 02

  He's really getting his own back for all the women who've rejected him.

• 53:01Speaker 01

  A wife who killed her cheating husband faced premeditated murder charges.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  Whereas a man could just blast.

• 53:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:07Speaker 01

  So this is.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  What's this quote from Napoleon?

• 53:09Speaker 01

  Women, when they are bad, are worse than men and more ready to commit crimes. The soft sex, when degraded, falls lower than the other.

• 53:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is real fucking.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  Sorry, that was Napoleon speaking. That wasn't.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  This is real fucking Stormfront manifesto sort of stuff.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, he's a school shooter. He is a school shooter. This is the school shooter's code. Normally they don't live long enough to establish, you know, this is my school now. I'm going to tell you how things are going to run around here. You know, normally they get blasted by the FBI. He has established a code in 1804. He has a secret police run by the Butcher of Lyon. He's got, he's the only, yeah, 60 newspapers down to four. And they, they're only allowed to publish government approved praise. Now, in 1802, they're finally, after 10 years of what had been called the French Revolutionary Wars.

• 53:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:59Speaker 01

  There is finally peace when war pauses between France and Britain with the signature of the Peace of Amiens. And so Napoleon.

• 54:08Speaker 02

  Short-lived peace.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  Yes. Napoleon then presents this to his people as I'm, you know, I'm not just a warmonger, I made peace.

• 54:15Speaker 01

  He says, peace is the first need of France.

• 54:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  It's not, it's pastry and oral sex.

• 54:22Speaker 02

  Yep. Well, that comes in later, actually.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Which then happens to us to the Paris orgy of 1802, where because the borders were now open between Britain and France.

• 54:29Speaker 02

  It's quite a bizarre, weird period in history where they, because they've been fighting for so long, they all just exchanged fluids or?

• 54:37Speaker 01

  They just, the British elites.

• 54:38Speaker 02

  There's a fluid exchange.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  They just came over and were like, oh, let's fucking, let's, what's going on over here? And then we just, they just started fucking everyone.

• 54:43Speaker 02

  Literally, all the British elites went over and were like, this is a mess.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Fucking, this is such a mess.

• 54:48Speaker 02

  This is such a mess.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  So they, yeah, so all the British elites went over to France and started fucking everyone. And then, but, but no French people came over to Britain. It's quite funny, isn't it? They're like, no, we don't, we don't want to go there.

• 55:03Speaker 01

  Now, during the peace, Napoleon doesn't really stand still. He annexes Pierre de Mont, which is just a bordering Tuscany, yeah, near Tuscany. He, it says reorganizes Switzerland.

• 55:14Speaker 02

  It's already pretty organized, I thought.

• 55:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't really know what it means reorganizing. And famously crushes the Haitian Revolution.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  The slave revolt was successful in Haiti.

• 55:24Speaker 01

  Yes. Was it a different slave revolt?

• 55:26Speaker 03

  Maybe he then.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  Then he went back and crushed it.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  Went back and crushed it. Not sure. Maybe he'd fight, maybe he fights.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  It was the only successful slave revolt was the Haitian one.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  This must be the time of the Louisiana Purchase, 1803, I think.

• 55:39Speaker 02

  Oh, yes. He, he, he distributed his money for the war.

• 55:42Speaker 01

  The worst deal in history. So he's actually spending this piece, this short-lived piece, rearming.

• 55:47Speaker 02

  Very Hitlerian.

• 55:48Speaker 01

  Very Hitlerian, very Jackassian. No, sorry, it's not Jackassian, it's Hitlerian. So he spends the piece rearming in order to fund rearming. He also, sorry, we, I don't know when he introduces conscription, but this is one of the big things about the Napoleonic Wars. This is the first mass conscription.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  So before this, there's just been standing armies that are quite small. Napoleon is the first guy to be like, we're going to mobilize the entire state.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  But also Britain becomes, it, it, it fully mobilizes its economy to become a war economy. It's not the first time it's ever been done.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  It's about to, yeah. But in this, this is where, I don't know when he introduces conscription, but the point is, is that he's, he's starting to get a lot, the numbers of troops that are starting to get involved in the Napoleonic Wars really take, it's like an exponential growth because he has his conscription. So as part of the peace, Britain was meant to evacuate Malta, but they don't. And so quite quickly, the peace is starting to look like a sham. And then you have this insane thing I didn't know about where there's a guy, there's a, there's a Tsar Paul the First of Russia. Get a photo of him up because he looks mad. He is assassinated in a coup.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  Charlie, can you get Tsar Paul the First? Yeah.

• 57:06Speaker 02

  Christ.

• 57:06Speaker 01

  Fucking awful.

• 57:07Speaker 02

  That, he used to go to the Ottoman Empire and get a fucking head transplant.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  He used to go to Turkey, this guy. He is assassinated by conspirators at the behest of the British Foreign Secretary. Right. So this is kind of like a reverse Salisbury.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 57:23Speaker 01

  Britain, I mean, Britain are, you know, the way he's assassinated is pretty mad as well. He gets, they storm the Kremlin, they poison him. And then he gets strangled with like a curtain tie and trampled to death. So they just stumble, stomp on him.

• 57:38Speaker 02

  But why would the Brits want to kill him?

• 57:40Speaker 01

  Struck with a gold snuffbox, strangled with a sash and trampled to death. And this is because he's.

• 57:46Speaker 02

  They're still on him to death.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  But this is, this is when, this is at the same time, just around the time of Nelson in Copenhagen, because this is all about the League of Neutrality. So Britain is financing subterfuge in, in Russia. So Alexander the First ascends the Russian throne. And he immediately restores friendly ties with Britain and dissolves the Baltic League, which had formed with the Danish lot, right? So in this context, the fragile peace of Amiens is looking like a sham. And so in 1803, once again, Britain declares war on France. And this, listeners, is the official start of the Napoleonic Wars.

• 58:29Speaker 02

  We haven't even started the Napoleonic Wars.

• 58:31Speaker 01

  This has all been the French Revolutionary War.

• 58:36Speaker 01

  In our next episode, Napoleon will immediately order the arrest of all British tourists in France. And he starts gathering troops at the Channel for his invasion of Britain.

• 58:49Speaker 00

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• 59:19Speaker 01

  Unless one man can stop him.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  The man, the myth, the legend.

• 59:23Speaker 01

  If one man can stop sticking his dick in a diplomat's wife.

• 59:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:28Speaker 01

  One man will be hunting him down to meet him at the, it's not Gavin Plumb.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  It's a race show, Nelson. Okay. In our next episode.

• 59:39Speaker 02

  If it was to happen today, I think the man who would stand up for Britain would.

• 59:43Speaker 01

  Gavin Plumb. In 2026's Battle of Trafalgar. So it'd be Plum's column. It'd be Gavin's column in Trafalgar Square, wouldn't it?

• 59:52Speaker 02

  He'd be at the bottom of it though.

• 59:53Speaker 01

  I'm not getting up that fucking hell. Holly Willoughby's at the top and he's at the bottom. Like, oh, she's so beautiful. Can you go and rape her for me? I'm too poor. I'm too tired.

• 1:00:07Speaker 01

  In our next episode, we'll do the Battle of Trafalgar. That's already on the Patreon. And sign up. You know, you know what to do. Why aren't you joining up already? Come on. We'll see you next time for Trafalgar.

• 1:00:19Speaker 02

  Goodbye.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  God bless.