#586 - My Comfort Cutlery Drawer, 37 Minutes of Zappa and 1000g of Beef Mince

Gather round dear listeners, for today we record directly from the bus that Isy has thrown Elis under, on multiple occasions in recent weeks. Well, Elis is under the bus and John and Dave are very much on it, enjoying the ride. Kicking the journey off with some crucial survival tips, there’s discussions about how long you could survive without food or water, and whether you can drink your own urine. Luckily Dave shares that he has ‘never weed on anyone or anything’ and John has ideas for how he would redesign humans - safe to say we’re in good hands. Who’s on the aux you might ask? Well, as we reminisce about a weekend dancing in Brighton, we can safely assume John has a certain playlist for the ride. Our first stop is Elis’s infamous cutlery drawer, which left John horrified, sad, and with a sense of lost time. Could a gift from John and Dave be Elis's ticket for freedom? Or is there a long road ahead... All aboard! Get in touch [email protected] For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. Elis James & John Robins is a Significant Production Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  mini golf picks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 03

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 02

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 03

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 02

  Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalised AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle/workspacewithGemini. That's goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.

• 1:13Speaker 04

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• 1:57Speaker 04

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• 2:27Speaker 00

  VAT pod. VAT pod?

• 2:29Speaker 01

  I'd love to do VAT pod.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Does it run for more than one app, do we think, VAT pod?

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you know how many VAT codes there are?

• 2:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Like thousands, which is a problem.

• 2:41Speaker 00

  An awful lot of things.

• 2:43Speaker 03

  So one app per code?

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Easily, easily.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Runs forever.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Per code.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  Who's listening to that?

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Gordon Brown? They'd know it all already.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  They'd know the VAT codes.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Me and Dan Needle go through every single VAT code and say whether it should be 20 or got rid of.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, or reverse charge.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  And then the end of it, we've got a solution for Britain.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:02Speaker 03

  Well, that's what you call it, a solution for Britain.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. Z VAT.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  That's all, folks.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  That's all, folks.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  That's good. And you use the Looney Tunes music?

• 3:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, because it's staffed.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, because it is this government bloody Looney Day.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  It's the government's bloody Looney.

• 3:23Speaker 03

  I'd listen if it had that theme tune involved.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  That's all, folks.

• 3:28Speaker 03

  Good, Al.

• 3:30Speaker 00

  Write that down. All right, I will.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to this episode of Ellis and John. I've got to be honest, vibes are quite good in this studio at the moment, although I'm staring at a massive cake that John has bought but not eaten yet.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  I was upsold the cake.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  What do you mean upsold it?

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Well, I ordered my scrambled eggs and I said, what's that? And the lovely lady who works in the cafe described it to me and then I bought it. Is that being upsold?

• 4:21Speaker 00

  No, that's being sold.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was sold it.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Because you weren't, you weren't getting a smaller cake and she's gone, hey, well, what about this one?

• 4:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what upselling is.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  I was buying eggs and then I was sold a cake.

• 4:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't class that as upselling.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  No, you weren't, you weren't buying a, you weren't buying like a 10x tea cake and then suddenly two minutes later, you've got that in your hands.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  I sort of know it's going to disappoint me though. It's a lambkin.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  I think it looks a bit dry.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  It's a big cube of sponge covered in chocolate and I think that's coconut.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  I know it's going to disappoint you, but I also know you're going to eat it probably during the recording of the Burdishonj of the Mind and it's then going to ruin the Tuesday app. So looking forward to that.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  Potentially, potentially, yeah.

• 5:02Speaker 03

  Explain it for the listener, John. So you've got flaked coconut?

• 5:05Speaker 01

  I literally just said on that day.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Oh, did you? Sorry, I was too busy taking a picture.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  Can you not take a photo and listen at the same time?

• 5:11Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  Wow, that's amazing.

• 5:12Speaker 03

  Do you know what I also do every time I take a picture? I hold my breath, I've realised.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  Like a sniper?

• 5:19Speaker 01

  So it doesn't, it doesn't go fuzzy.

• 5:21Speaker 00

  Imagine if you were a wedding photographer, you'd be dead by the end of the ceremony. I noticed it on my last trip.

• 5:26Speaker 03

  He held his breath to death. On my last trip in Yorkshire, I was, I noticed every time, right? Everyone in.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  And then I hold my breath and I take three pictures. God knows why, they're always saying.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, why three?

• 5:37Speaker 03

  God knows why.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Did you take like a big gulp?

• 5:41Speaker 03

  No, because I've got fairly decent VO2 max, mate.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Well.

• 5:45Speaker 03

  I can hold my breath for 10 seconds.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  I was thinking about this this morning as I held my breath while my app's updated, as I'm wont to do. Because I earn a thousand pounds for everyone that updates while I'm holding my breath.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Sorry, I forget.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  And I, I got, I had 38 apps to update.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  That's not like you.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  No, it is like, it's like apps these days because there was obviously this big cybersecurity breach. Lots of apps have had to update them. So they all came overnight. So I thought, okay, we've got 30.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  God, it's like Christmas Day, isn't it?

• 6:18Speaker 03

  Have they come yet?

• 6:19Speaker 00

  Christmas morning.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  Well, I thought we had 38 grand on the table.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Oh, great. Uber's here.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  38 grand.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  38 grand on the table here. So I, I hit update. Unfortunately, the first ones to update were big.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  This is it.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  It's your pages, it's your numbers, it's your Google or whatever.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  And also Scrabble and Boggle had to update, which meant I had to wait before I could play my morning games.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  So that's where you've been in a bad mood.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Well, no, I'm not in a bad mood.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  Your morning's been disrupted.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  So I only made six grand, which is not very good. But then I was lying there thinking.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Why do I do this?

• 6:57Speaker 01

  No. Why don't more people do this and why don't we televise it? Breath hold bingo.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  I was thinking, hang on, we can go without water for two days.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  We can go without food for probably two weeks or maybe like a bit more. We can go without light for months. We can go.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  None of it's great though. None of these are happy scenarios.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  No, but we can survive without, with our eyes closed. We can lie down in bed for years.

• 7:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. None of it's ideal. But you, you pinch someone's nose and put your hand over the mouth and you've got seconds. It feels like a sort of a flaw in the system.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  What have you got planned?

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Well, it's just an odd quirk of being a human.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Do you want to live under the sea, John?

• 7:44Speaker 03

  I've always thought.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  No, only in a sort of metaphorical sense.

• 7:48Speaker 03

  I've always thought the disparity in how long you can go without water and food is quite interesting. You can survive for ages without food. You can't survive for very long without water.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  I don't think you can survive for ages without food, but you can survive longer than water.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  A lot longer than water?

• 8:04Speaker 01

  I don't think a lot longer.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Obviously it depends on your size, but water, you've got about two days.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  People have starved for much longer.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  Depends what you've eaten before you have to stop eating as well. If you ate like three Domino's pizzas, it'd probably last for six months.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  Even for ages, yeah.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  But it is, it is a weakness. You know, if I was redesigning the human being, I might think, what if they could hold their breath for two hours? Think how many people would have been able to like escape shipwrecks and things?

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Yes, there is that. A healthy person can generally survive for one to two months. And in rare documented cases, up to two to three months without food, provided they have adequate supply of drinking water.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  So is that without like vitamins or supplements or anything like that?

• 8:52Speaker 00

  I think so. Well, individuals with higher body fat and muscle mass have more energy stores to draw from, whereas lean individuals face faster physical decline.

• 9:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, fair enough.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Females generally survive longer than males due to higher baseline fat reserves, while children and older adults have a much lower tolerance for starvation. Welcome to Ellis and John.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Well, this could be our pivot to Mr. Beast.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  Via Health Pod.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Via Health Pod, yeah. So I hold my breath. Ellis doesn't have any water. Ellis would last 10 minutes without water.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, thirsty boy.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  And Dave goes without food.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Fine.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  And we release the harrowing footage as a bonus podcast.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  For the Patreons.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  So you'd go first.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  The final episode.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Or would I?

• 9:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would, yeah.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  You've gone. I last the longest.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  You do.

• 9:40Speaker 03

  And then I could just eat because you wouldn't know anyway.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  Or you'd be us.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  A human can live for about three days without water, for the exact time range. Yeah, that's what, that's, I mean, I remember thinking this when I was a little kid when I read this. It's weird how long we can go without food compared to water.

• 9:53Speaker 03

  But also it's not because we are made up of a lot of water.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you can't drink yourself.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  You can't drink yourself.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Well, you can drink your own wee.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  But I don't think that works.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  Have you, well, it does if you've watched the episode of Losers with the Italian guy gets lost in the desert and he drinks his own wee for nine days and eats bats. Because he eventually finds a sarcophagus and there's bats in there and he drinks the blood from the bats. It is a fantastic piece of television.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  But I would imagine the drinking the blood from the bats does more hydrating than the wee.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, but he didn't find the bats until quite late in. He was drinking his own wee for ages.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  And again, not ideal.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  No. But better than nothing.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Better than nothing.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Because there is some water in wee.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Well, no, but there's also salt in wee.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's a lot of stuff you don't want to go back in.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Oh, he was having a nightmare. He was doing the Marathon de Sabley, another one that goes through the desert, the Sabley Desert, and he got lost in a sandstorm. I just, when I'm drinking my own wee, even though very occasionally a celebrity will say that they do it.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Really?

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, every now and then they'd be like, oh, actually it's good for you. And I'm like, is it?

• 11:00Speaker 01

  A celebrity saying that?

• 11:01Speaker 00

  I remember, I remember the paint hole that Madonna drank her off.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  No, she weeded on her feet in the shower for athletes' feet, I think.

• 11:09Speaker 03

  And Chandler weeded on Monica, as we know.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 11:13Speaker 03

  As we all know.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, and Ellis's dad's best friend weed on him from a.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Yes, Madonna claimed to drink her own urine. In November 2019, Madonna posted a video on her Instagram TV page showing part of her post-show routine during her Madame X tour.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  At 3am, she took a 41 degree ice bath to help with physical recovery and injuries and was then filmed drinking a yellow liquid from a white teacup, stating, "It's really good to drink urine after you've got out the frozen bath."

• 11:40Speaker 01

  That might be a joke.

• 11:42Speaker 00

  She's previously mentioned using urine for alternative health practices. I remember being told this when I was in primary school, as she drank her own wee, including claiming she urinated on her own feet to treat athlete's foot.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  She's a big fan.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  She's in the scene.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  It's odd how little people sort of trust the human body's evolution. Like, what is she doing in a 41 degree? What? Is that a Fahrenheit?

• 12:05Speaker 03

  It's got to be Fahrenheit.

• 12:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:06Speaker 03

  Because otherwise it's just a nice bath.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  It's a nice, yeah, it's a nice bath to rate recovery, like.

• 12:11Speaker 03

  That does work.

• 12:11Speaker 00

  Rugby players.

• 12:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  That does work. I did that a lot for marathon training.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Health experts and dieticians state there's no scientific evidence supporting the benefits of drinking urine, and medical organisations note it can introduce waste products, extra sodium or bacteria. Dave, stop it.

• 12:27Speaker 03

  I have not, and I will have this on record, I've never weeded on anyone and I've not weed at anything other than a toilet.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Weed at anything?

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know what that means. I just mean I.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  You haven't said you haven't drunk your own wee, have you? Is that worth a secret to your carbs or your great looks?

• 12:43Speaker 03

  No, I've not. I've never drank my own wee either. But yeah.

• 12:46Speaker 00

  It was a big thing at school. The rugby boys were always making each other drink wee.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's absolutely mad.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  Yeah. Big, big, big part of my sort of later teen years, that.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  That happened at a gig I did once at an agricultural college. And it's one of the worst.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  At Harper Adams?

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Yes, that happened when I was there as well.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  They're beasts.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  Drank his own wee and then threw up into a pint glass and then drank it. And then I couldn't get home, so I had to find a spare.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  What were you doing there? Were you gigging?

• 13:13Speaker 01

  I was doing comedy.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  You did comedy?

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Well, we were trying to do comedy. The gig was unplayable.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  What is it, a uni?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  It can't be done. Agricultural college.

• 13:23Speaker 03

  Right.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  In Newport, Shropshire. And it is hard.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  It's no good, Dave.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  You cut your teeth, though. You learn. That's where you progress.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  I didn't learn anything. I bet you did without realising.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  No, I learned. I mean, it was genuinely quite unpleasant.

• 13:38Speaker 00

  I learnt that Ed Gamble is good company.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  I learnt that Rod Gilbert will lie to avoid gigging at Harper Adams. So I had to open and close and compare the show myself.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Oh, you did it solo?

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, because Rod, a Welshman, claimed to have gone to the wrong Newport.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  I know other comedians who claimed that as well.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Claimed doing a lot of the heavy lifting then.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  I remember.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  It's funny, it's funny that a Welshman, who would probably know that an agricultural college wasn't in the middle of Newport, when it's the worst gig in the country, would go, "Do you know what? I might be a bit confused about where this is, just by having the address."

• 14:17Speaker 00

  There's also Newport in Pembrokeshire, which is a very agricultural part of the world.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Maybe, God bless him, and I don't blame him. He stayed at home.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  They made, they made Jushwidda come down a pint glass in a cage when he did it. Russell Howard wrote an article in The Times about how horrible the gig was. Do you remember that?

• 14:35Speaker 01

  Did he? No, I didn't know that.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  Izzy, I remember they made Izzy drink a pint glass, oh, drink a pint.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  Why are they doing making comedians do all this? They're beasts.

• 14:42Speaker 00

  Separation from the comedian on stage to the audience.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  I don't know if they're still beasts. I would hope standards have changed.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  No.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  I bet they have a, I bet they have a touch.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  Right. Anyway, Ellis, we're all in a good mood because we've brought you a present.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  Oh, we have.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  Have you?

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Yes, we've got you a present. Dave, why have we got Ellis a present?

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Well, how's Izzy, how's Izzy getting on on Taskmaster?

• 15:04Speaker 00

  Very well. I watched it last night. She's doing really well on it. Very funny, very, very funny show.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  She's doing well. She enjoying herself?

• 15:11Speaker 00

  She is enjoying herself. She's relaxed a bit now. She was very nervous about the first couple of episodes, but she's relaxed now.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  How are you feeling about the catastrophic impact on your brand?

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Because I think you must be the most mentioned comedian in the history of Taskmaster now.

• 15:25Speaker 00

  Also, she, she does a lot of, she's doing a lot of like big pods to promote herself on and the show. Taking advantage of the fact that she's on Taskmaster, I get thrown under the bus in everyone.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  You live under a bus now.

• 15:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been crushed under a bus.

• 15:42Speaker 03

  We probably need her on this pod eventually, don't we?

• 15:44Speaker 00

  No.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Well, I don't think.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  Is the separation quite nice?

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I'm not sure. I mean, I, I get it. But I don't think Ellis should be sort of living under a bus. I think we should do things to make his life better.

• 15:55Speaker 00

  There was the pants, obviously. She discussed the pants on Rolustapa. She did, I think she might have done the last episode of Richard Herring's The Square Theatre podcast.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  Pants got a lot of action.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  She discussed my snoring on Russell Howard's podcasts, the one we discussed on Five Things.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  What did you come across yesterday?

• 16:16Speaker 03

  Well, well, it does shine a light often on your home life, doesn't it? This, this, this series, probably more so.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  I like to keep private.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Probably more so than you thought it would.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  Yes. Yeah, I didn't think it would do that at all.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  No, and there was quite an interesting Instagram clip that went around earlier this week. So maybe we play the, Rodrigo, maybe we play the, the clip of what Izzy's brought to the table from, from your home life over the last week.

• 16:41Speaker 05

  He got a bit mystified as to why anyone would need this cutlery plat that my mum designed and painteded that was on this week's Taskmaster. I thought maybe it might be time to show you our cutlery drawer.

• 16:58Speaker 05

  Whoa, what have I need? Where's, where are the knives?

• 17:06Speaker 05

  Doesn't matter. I never need to open the drawer because I've got a cutlery plat.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  So I don't think it needs much explaining due to what you hear there, but suffice to say, the cutlery drawer.

• 17:19Speaker 01

  That sound.

• 17:20Speaker 03

  Is an absolute mess.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  I never lived in a house without a cutlery drawer. 1980 to 2022, they'd always come included.

• 17:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  And then when we moved to the new house, the previous occupants had taken the cutlery drawer, if they had one.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  To the Cotswolds. And so obviously, probably on day one or two, I thought, right, I'll buy a cutlery drawer. But none of them were of like a good fit, because obviously I measured the cutlery drawer and I would try to buy one on Amazon. They were never really quite right. So I just, after, after half an hour of Google searching, I just left it.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  So because none of the cutlery drawers were a good fit.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  You, you went for an option where nothing is fitting anywhere. So it's just, it's can open as knives, forks, spoons, chopsticks, garlic press, just thrown into a drawer.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  I would say it's an imperfect solution.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  So here's everything. Was the, was there an element of playing up for that? Because in that drawer, it seemed, was every knife, every spatula, every ordinary knife.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Let me talk you through, Ellis, I don't want to hear from you anymore.

• 18:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is, this is up to John at this stage. We've seen the evidence.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Let me talk you through some of my reactions. I'm also going to do a bit of working out my calculator.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  Calculator out.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  So first, when I saw it, I think I share with everyone who thought it was horror. I've seen an awful lot of like 24 Hours in Police Custody, motorway cops, like Raiders UK. I've seen how people in drug stents live.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  I've seen how people in the very sort of fringes of society live.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, the sharp end.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  And I've never seen anything like that. They all had cutlery drawers.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. That's, I was just so disappointed when the previous occupants took their cutlery drawer to the Cotswolds.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  Why is it their responsibility?

• 19:13Speaker 00

  If they had to want to snore on them. Because when we, when we moved into the first flat together, there was a cutlery drawer.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  I'm guessing they also took their sofa, their bed, their lampshades, their car.

• 19:22Speaker 00

  That's what I expected.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  Their kids?

• 19:24Speaker 00

  Like, there was toilet seats.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, was there toilet roll?

• 19:27Speaker 00

  Um, no, but there was.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  You bought that. You didn't just start wiping your ass with your hand for the next five years.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  My next reaction.

• 19:36Speaker 00

  No, but in Germany, someone told me in Germany, they take the toilet seats.

• 19:40Speaker 03

  John, back to you.

• 19:40Speaker 01

  My next reaction was sadness.

• 19:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  I felt sad for Ellis. I felt sad for Izzy. I felt sad for children growing up in a house like that.

• 19:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  My, my third reaction was a sense of lost time. Because when I go to my cutlery drawer.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  It goes fork, knife, spoon. Everyone has their own system.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, we, we used to go.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  Teaspoons horizontal for.

• 20:06Speaker 00

  We used to go spoon, fork, knife.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're not talking about used to. We're talking about now, 2026.

• 20:11Speaker 00

  Well, 2022.

• 20:13Speaker 01

  So I, I'm going to say it takes me for one person.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  Fork, knife, spoon, out, two seconds.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say for a family of four, fork, knife, spoon.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  That's gonna take me, say, three seconds, because I'm grabbing three at once and I'm out.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  That's fair enough.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say per utensil in that drawer.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  You're looking at an extra second per utensil.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  I think easy.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  Well, you're being generous.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  Well.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  So that's.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Company on says.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  12.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  Humans adapt, so you get very quick.

• 20:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  And we, and also, I mean, that's.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  But you wouldn't know when they're run out.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  But you just adapt and then you're, you just, you just notice, it becomes very instinctive.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  But you don't know where it's gonna be each time, so what are you adapting to?

• 21:04Speaker 00

  It's like Glenn Hoddle. You can't coach that. And you just become instinctive. And also, when I'm getting, when I'm cooking for the family, when Izzy's cooking for the family, we're getting knives and forks out for the kids. That's when the songs happen. That's when, that's when the banter begins, you know, it's just all part, it's all part of the process.

• 21:21Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm calculating at, let's say, let's say, two seconds a utensil.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Three meals a day, four 12 utensils in total. Every day, you're losing 72 seconds.

• 21:37Speaker 00

  Oh my.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  So that's a minute and 12 seconds. So this has been since 2022.

• 21:42Speaker 00

  22, yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  So that is 26,280 seconds a year, times, let's say, 4.5. That's 118,000 seconds. So divide that by 60.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Divide, and divide that by 60. That's 32.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  That's a wild card. That's good, Johnny. Go, go, go, go.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  32.8 hours of the last four years you've spent looking for utensils.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  English attitude.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  English.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  That is why Glenn Hoddle had to go to France to thrive. Because he was bullied out of his flair and creativity at Tottenham. And that's why he never got the caps for England he deserved. A French team, they would have, they would have built a team around Glenn Hoddle. He had to go to Monaco to be.

• 22:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, the point stands for Glenn Hoddle in football.

• 22:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  He's, he's sort of, he's leaning into what he's comfortable with.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  I don't think Hoddle's happy being dragged into this. I think if you ask Glenn at this stage.

• 22:39Speaker 00

  Hoddle's the example.

• 22:41Speaker 03

  He doesn't want to be dragged into this mess.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  Chris Hoddle, to an extent, had to go to Marseille.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  I don't even know what you're talking about now.

• 22:47Speaker 03

  I mean, I like football and I'm not sure.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Oh, gee, Wes, Dave, the flair players, you just let the.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  I mean, you wouldn't let them play on a pitch with the lines all over at random.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  That's what Glenn Hoddle wants.

• 22:59Speaker 01

  One goal in the middle of the pitch and one go. Anyway, Dave, get Ellis's present.

• 23:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, Elis, as a little treat, because it stressed the nation out.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  It stressed the nation out.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  I think you've ruined the, you've ruined the day for the nation.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  She throws me under the bus, man.

• 23:12Speaker 03

  You are living under that bus. For a little while longer, but we're about to drag you out of the bus.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  Wait for this series to end.

• 23:17Speaker 03

  We're, we're about to drag you out from the bus, because you can take this home and be a hero to the, to the James family, okay?

• 23:25Speaker 03

  Here you go, a lovely premium.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice, Dave.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  Look at that, a lovely executive grey, and I'd say white.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  I don't like the colour, Dave. I don't like the colour. Take it back.

• 23:37Speaker 03

  It was all there was for Tottenham Court Road, Argos. You understand.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Also got anti-slip on the bottom, so we bought Ellis a cutlery drawer.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  Oh my god, he bought me an executive cutlery drawer.

• 23:45Speaker 01

  It's better than my cutlery drawer.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  It's actually decent, because you've got the biggies there for like spatulas.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  One of those.

• 23:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  Dave, I'm thrilled to be, see, my son, interestingly, loves order.

• 23:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  So when I bought him his new trainers, you know, I would say, oh my gosh, you look so cool. You're such a cool dude in the trainers.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 00

  And he went, I don't want to look cool, I wanna be smart.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  And he sent a very funny letter to Father Christmas, because obviously, you know, Father Christmas will often buy presents that you don't put on your list. And he said, the first line is, not to be rude, but I don't understand a lot of the things you give me, so I just want, and he, and he's just written the four things he wants. He's like, I just, I don't want pyjamas with my name inscribed.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  He's, he knows. That saves you a bit of, saves Father Christmas a bit of buns.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Because I haven't, he hasn't obviously daydreamed about having the sort of, the, the water bottle with pictures of dinosaurs on it, because he didn't ask for that in the first place.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  He's very pragmatic.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  So he doesn't like surprises, like his dad.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  And he's really, really gonna love this, because when he goes to my mother's house and sees a cutlery drawer, he's in heaven.

• 24:53Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, for a lad who you say loves order, it's amazing that even just for own, for Steph's own wellbeing, you wouldn't have got a cutlery drawer by now, given you know your son likes order. Is that not something you might have looked into?

• 25:08Speaker 00

  I'm gonna have to say it again. Glenn Hoddle only got 53 caps for England. That's a crying shame.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  It is.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Still quite a few caps.

• 25:15Speaker 00

  It's not bad. He should have got more. He didn't play after Euro 88.

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Did he not?

• 25:19Speaker 00

  No, no, he was, he was, he was, he was playing the best football of his career during Italian 90, but he, you know, just wasn't. I think he had to retire by that point, but still. So stop making me compare myself to Glenn Hoddle.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  Anyway, enjoy your cutlery drawer.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Thank you very much. I genuinely appreciate that.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  I wanna see that in use over the next week. I want a video to come in next week of Izzy.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  It's all gonna be on the Cara.

• 25:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, oh yeah.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  It's all gonna be on the carousel, or on the fully visualised episodes.

• 25:44Speaker 03

  Which do exist somewhere, don't they?

• 25:45Speaker 01

  They do exist somewhere.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  They're out there.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Right, Ellis, what emails have tickled your pickle?

• 25:51Speaker 00

  Well, obviously it was a big week for us, because we DJed at the Brighton Dome on Saturday.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Oh, we did.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  We were, we were DJing at Dave's, Dancing with Dave, which is one of the best club nights. I mean, I would say in Europe, probably.

• 26:06Speaker 03

  It's up there. I have rivals. I have, I have enemies in the, the day rave scene.

• 26:12Speaker 01

  Who are the rivals?

• 26:12Speaker 00

  Vicky McClure and Johnny Owens.

• 26:13Speaker 03

  Vicky McClure and Johnny Owens do a very good job.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  Who did a day do first?

• 26:17Speaker 03

  Annie Mack, I think, was the, the OG of the day disco.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  I didn't know that.

• 26:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Because Vicky and Johnny have been doing their day dos for ages.

• 26:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, there's no beef. There's no beef. Different vibes, different tribes.

• 26:27Speaker 00

  Different vibes. Anyway, hello to our two favourite Wellingtons in a puddle. I like that.

• 26:32Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  My wife Joanne and I are two dyed-in-the-wool PCDs. As we live in Brighton, we were very excited to see you playing the Dome. Only one small problem. We were due to host our two oldest friends, Joe and Chris, that weekend, and not only did they not know what the event was, they actually hadn't even heard of any of you.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Understandable. The majority of people haven't, which is so great.

• 26:53Speaker 00

  Yes, I'm with John.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  Get to go about your business.

• 26:57Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 26:57Speaker 03

  But it does cause problems for quite, at points, esoteric club nights, I'd say. Quite. There's a few in-jokes, isn't there, knocking about?

• 27:04Speaker 01

  But also you know that everyone who does know you is nice. Otherwise they wouldn't, they wouldn't know you, because who would, no one would listen.

• 27:10Speaker 03

  We have the nicest audience in the world, I think.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Hundy P.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  I met so many of them on Saturday at Brighton Dome. A few of them hung around afterwards. Oh, I met Simon Price afterwards, he hung around.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  Was he there?

• 27:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  I didn't know he was there.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, Simon was on the guest list, so he hung around afterwards. He had a great time. But they're just, everyone's just so nice.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:27Speaker 03

  It's very heartwarming.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  Top man, Simon. Anyway, anyway, always keen to educate and open minds, we booked them both a ticket so they could come with us and witness the magic. Below is a perspective of two people who thought they were going to an indie day disco, but not knowing what was going on. Point, it's all in bullet points. Number one, is that man okay? As we walked in doing the 40-minute problematic walk in music session.

• 27:49Speaker 01

  Which was 37 minutes of Frank Zappa.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  It wasn't really, was it?

• 27:54Speaker 01

  It was, yeah.

• 27:55Speaker 03

  I thought you were joking. Is that honestly what you did?

• 27:57Speaker 01

  37 minutes of Frank Zappa and three minutes of Josie Wales' Italofy Burn.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  He texted me that at the start of the set and I laughed, because I thought he's clearly joking.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  I watched.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  I just thought, why not?

• 28:08Speaker 00

  I watched the audience, and it was so funny, because people just don't know what, they know they're disappointed, but they don't know what to do about it.

• 28:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't think they are disappointed.

• 28:20Speaker 00

  Well, I'll tell you who wasn't disappointed. There was one steward at the Dome who was a huge Frank Zappa fan.

• 28:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, he loved it.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  And he said to Rosie, who works at the venue, he was like, this is fantastic. Who is this guy?

• 28:30Speaker 01

  He's, he's never had that experience before in his life.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Point number two.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  Hang on a second, because there was a funny quote from Frank Zappa about how you can dance to his music.

• 28:40Speaker 00

  Okay, I'll carry on while you look for that.

• 28:41Speaker 03

  Was it G- G-string Hurricane? What's the track, please?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  G-spot tornado day.

• 28:46Speaker 03

  Yes, that's danceable.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  We're gonna be an E for explicit now.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  Point number two, is he playing music? Point number three, will it all be like this? There's a question on everyone's lips, I think. Point number four, oh, he's quite handsome. Who is he? The question complimented the arrival of Dave on stage and they both began to warm up. We approached the dance floor. Five, I think I know her. What's she been on? Announced the arrival of Stevie Martin. Six, does she know what she's doing? As Stevie started by playing three songs at once. They just smashed it again, they were Depeche Mode.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  How is that possible?

• 29:18Speaker 00

  To produce a happy, if not challenging, accident. Next point, is now a good time to get a drink? The reaction to spoken word by Captain Beefheart. Number seven, the little one plays good music, doesn't he? Referring to Ellis's song choices, in particular Dexys and Dolly Parton. Number eight, I think I bought a car after watching this advert, as John Pace, driven, driven by you, the Ford song by Queen.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  By Brian May. It's not the Ford song, but it is the Ford song. And I also listed some Ford models during the song.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  From the era. The Orion, the Escort. Oh, the Granada. That was a real executive's car.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  My stepdad had a champagne-coloured Ford Granada.

• 30:02Speaker 00

  Oh, did he? Wow. Okay. That was, yeah, it was like, it was like a sort of souped-up Sierra, wasn't it?

• 30:07Speaker 01

  The Scorpio.

• 30:08Speaker 00

  Yes, the Fiesta Mark I. What's wrong with his penis? As a member, the crowd asked how John's penis was.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  This is my favourite one. Do they like meringue? They talk about it a lot.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  Will the handsome guy be on until the end now? As Dave comes back for the last 90 minutes.

• 30:32Speaker 03

  I was.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  It's actually really good, isn't it? As we left, we asked, did they enjoy themselves? There was a resounding yes.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  Get in.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  It was great.

• 30:40Speaker 03

  It's a journey.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  But in answer to the question, would you go again? Oh, God, no, was the reply.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  Really?

• 30:47Speaker 00

  We will continue to spread the gospel, Paul and Joanne.

• 30:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes, it was good fun. There's probably a few more kind of podcast adjacent bits of fun than I expected. But that's good, that's good, because the majority of the crowd are aware.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  This is from Frank Zappa interviewed in 1975 in a magazine called Circus Raves. He said, I think everything I've written can be danced to. It can't be danced to by people who don't have a certain amount of creative ability, and it's an excellent way to weed people out. If you can dance to one of our songs, I think you have some creative ability and don't want to dance in a regimented manner. The beat's just as good on our records as on anyone else's. It just so happens that there's more of them in funny places.

• 31:29Speaker 03

  I, I don't want you weeding people out at my club nights.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  That's true, actually, it's meant to be more inclusive, isn't it?

• 31:36Speaker 03

  All are welcome, all are welcome.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  Yes, much fun was had at Dancing with Dave, and I had a superb takeaway.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  Did you, what?

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Oh, the, um, the salt and pepper.

• 31:50Speaker 03

  Oh, yes.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  Fake chicken and the tofu in Szechuan sauce, which I took home and ate standing up in my kitchen as soon as I got back because I was starving.

• 31:58Speaker 03

  Did you manage to get it all the way home without eating it?

• 32:00Speaker 00

  I don't think I could have done that.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 03

  Well done.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  You just drove in a car.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I'd have still, no, that wouldn't have stopped me.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  And you needed chopsticks.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  It was rice and a main.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Would have been an odd thing. I mean, I've done some stupid stuff whilst driving at my time, but I wouldn't have eaten a Chinese meal with chopsticks.

• 32:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  I got there on. I remember a rugby player being done for drink driving, and his excuse when he crashed the car to the police was that he was trying to eat a curry that was on the passenger side at the same time.

• 32:32Speaker 03

  Well, there was, whilst we're just on DWD, there was an attempt at a Cymru connection, which we do have the audio for.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  Yes, there was a live Cymru connection. This is from Bethan Lee, 23 Iscol Bril Morganwyr. Shymy Ellis-John, a Dave, just wanted to say thank you for the opportunity to Cymru connect to the Brighton Dancing with Dave show. As a long time listener, it was absolutely incredible to take part in a feature. Ellis, please say hello to Mr Stevens from me. He was a great maths teacher and a fantastic connection to have. After the show, however, I had a few people tell me that I practically served Ellis the connection on a plate. That's true. If he fancies another go, this time without a clue handed him, I'd be more than happy to give him the opportunity to redeem himself. Thanks again for such a brilliant experience. Um, dioch gallan yn waith eto.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  Very good, dioch gallan yn waith eto, thanks from the bottom of my heart once again.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  And we got a clip.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  We have got a clip. Here's how the Cymru connection went down live at the Brighton Dome.

• 33:27Speaker 00

  There are two Welsh girls here.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  What?

• 33:32Speaker 00

  Shall I?

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Oh, shall you indeed?

• 33:37Speaker 00

  Shall us.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Your time starts now.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  Age and school?

• 33:41Speaker 06

  23 Iscol Bril Morganwyr.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  23, for **** sake.

• 33:44Speaker 06

  Barin.

• 33:47Speaker 00

  I will ask about her parents. You don't want to show, I'll, I'll get to the parents in a second. Have you been taking meringue?

• 34:00Speaker 00

  Where do you live? Do you live in Cardiff?

• 34:01Speaker 06

  Penarth.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  You live in Penarth? Do you know my friend Sarah Bries?

• 34:05Speaker 06

  No.

• 34:05Speaker 00

  No, okay, then what do you do for a living?

• 34:07Speaker 06

  A teacher.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  You're a teacher, where do you teach?

• 34:09Speaker 06

  At St Kerry.

• 34:10Speaker 00

  Okay, where do you live in Cardiff?

• 34:11Speaker 06

  Penarth.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, Penarth, you said that, you said that, you said that, you said that, you said that, you said that, you said that, you said that, you said that, you said that. Do you shop in the big Tesco in Penarth?

• 34:20Speaker 06

  I do.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  You know, there's like quite an aggressive guy who's in the sort of fruit bit.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  We're straying off the remit of the game.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:29Speaker 06

  I spoke for a maths teacher, do you know him?

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Which maths teacher?

• 34:33Speaker 06

  Well, I can't tell you, can I?

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Well, I know him. She's very funny, she's good.

• 34:37Speaker 06

  Mr Stevens.

• 34:38Speaker 00

  Bro Morganwyr.

• 34:39Speaker 06

  Mr Stevens.

• 34:41Speaker 00

  Miss, I was at school with Mr Stevens.

• 34:49Speaker 00

  I, do you know, do you know, do you know Neil Stevens?

• 34:53Speaker 06

  I see.

• 34:53Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  I mean.

• 34:58Speaker 01

  I mean, it's a huge reaction for someone going, Mr Stevens.

• 35:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's a low point.

• 35:03Speaker 01

  Do you know Mr Stevens?

• 35:04Speaker 00

  What's frustrating from a personal perspective is I speak to Neil every day. We're in a constant rolling WhatsApp group about what's football. I've stood next to him at the football for about, I don't know, 10 or 12 years, and I was at school with him.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  But I, for my sins, thought that he worked at a Scoglan Taf and a Bro Morganwyr, and that's on me.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  That's on me.

• 35:29Speaker 03

  Still, good fun, good fun, well connected.

• 35:32Speaker 00

  For my sins.

• 35:33Speaker 03

  Well connected with someone who told you the connection.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  Yes, yes, it was a lot of fun. Bethan's very fun, he was very impressive.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  And Dave, there's exciting footage available, and it's not just footage.

• 35:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:43Speaker 01

  It's a whole extravaganza in the Ellis and John cinematic universe.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  Well, the next adventure will be the episode from Saturday's Dancing with Dave, so all the fun.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Backstage, upstage, stage right, stage left, aft.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Stage front, stage back.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  Wayne side, port.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  Starboard.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  In the hull.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Amid ships.

• 36:06Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  On the captain's table.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:10Speaker 03

  There's probably one surprise we should mention, just because it's nice, and one surprise we shouldn't, because it's going to be great to watch for the first time. George Eggs on.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  The lovely special guest who.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  Dear friend George Eggs.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  Who brings along an amazing snack hack to get you all, to get you all, um, full and energised for the big day ahead. He was fantastic, thank you, George.

• 36:26Speaker 00

  He comforts me.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  Yes, he is comforting, isn't he?

• 36:29Speaker 00

  When I see him, I instantly relax, which is actually an amazing, um, personality trait to have.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  Some people do that to you, and others don't.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Especially because I'm on the other side of Ellis making him tense.

• 36:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 01

  So he's sort of between two magnets.

• 36:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, and there are a couple of other moments which will be in the Adventures ep, which is, which is box office.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  It's BO.

• 36:51Speaker 03

  It's BO and it is.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  So much BO.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  It is. Huge what happens.

• 36:56Speaker 03

  So it was an amazing day. I'm very excited to see Gareth, visual producer Gareth, keeps telling me how excited he is as he's making it, so I think it's going to be a fun ep. So that will be available on the 6th of November, uh, if you're subscribed to Patreon, which of course is patreon.com/ellisonjohn.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, get involved, get involved with the community.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Get involved.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  It's a safe space.

• 37:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, come on in, the water's lovely.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  Come on in, the water's lovely, and the water is content.

• 37:19Speaker 03

  Yes, so patreon.com/ellisonjohn.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  Well, I'll tell you what, it's been a while. It's been a while since we've chatted to Uncle Adrian.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  It has.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  I wonder what he's been up to. Maybe he's been coming up with the next great TV format. Let's find out.

• 37:33Speaker 07

  Okay, I hope he goes well. Thanks for telling us about it. That is Limebike Jouster Jack Carden, who is, uh, who is putting a brave face on the sort of the gentle disapproval of, uh, of the company Lime. Ellis and, Ellis and John joins us. So have you got anything either of you two on over bright headlights, being dazzled or Limebike jousting? These are, these are what I offer up to you. We can talk about that or something else if you like.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  I wouldn't ride a Limebike for a hundred million grand because they are a completely lawless industry of the unhelmeted.

• 38:13Speaker 07

  They're not here to defend themselves as a company or the riders.

• 38:16Speaker 01

  I'll, I'll, I'll defend themselves. No, we're not. So there you go, that's a balanced view. But in terms of dazzling bright headlights, it's become an epidemic because even if, and especially now that cars have got that auto feature where they sense other cars headlights and then turn off, because what that means is you get dazzled for a second. And then they switch off. Whereas I think it's, it's part of the automation of Britain, i.e. the end of common sense and decency.

• 38:47Speaker 07

  Pointless, pointless automation. I mean, even automatic boots where you press a button.

• 38:51Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, exactly.

• 38:52Speaker 07

  Why, why, why do we need that?

• 38:56Speaker 00

  Do what it stops you from doing, it stops you from slamming a boot shut in anger and also from really trying to squeeze more stuff than the boot has capacity for into a boot by slamming it. That's what those buttons do.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  Also, it will automatically raise your boot into, say, the top of a garage door if it's too low.

• 39:13Speaker 07

  Yes, yes.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  I, I, I think we need to go back to halogen lights.

• 39:21Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  Uh, cause it's the LEDs, that, that sort of ice blue colour. But I have seen, this is nuts, Adrian.

• 39:28Speaker 07

  Go on.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Cars now have a bit where they don't just sense there's a car coming towards them, they sense where its vision spot is. Have you seen it where the light automatically like cuts a square out of itself?

• 39:41Speaker 00

  No, I've not seen it. Is that on very modern cars?

• 39:43Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  I've not seen that.

• 39:44Speaker 07

  Have you drank this?

• 39:45Speaker 01

  No, no, no, it's true. So they sense where the car is and they, they change the shape of the light to sort of give you a bit of shade. But it's still not happening quick enough because what I do is when I see the lights coming towards me, before the person can see me, I switch down to dipped.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  Of course you do, because you're a good driver.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Thank you, Ellis, actually. Um, but Adrian, where have you been? We haven't spoken to you for ages.

• 40:12Speaker 07

  Just driving around at night, doing research for this very item, just.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Have you been in the jungle?

• 40:19Speaker 07

  Uh, I haven't been in the jungle, no.

• 40:21Speaker 01

  You, you would win it at a counter.

• 40:24Speaker 07

  Oh, I certainly would not, I don't think. Um, where, so what do you, if you're being dazzled, do you do a, a full on dazzle back going, go on, have it, have some of that back there? Or do you do a polite little?

• 40:38Speaker 00

  It's like an arms race.

• 40:40Speaker 07

  Yeah. Or do you have a polite little flash? What, what do you do?

• 40:43Speaker 00

  I do a very quick, I do a very quick flash to say your lights.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  Oh, I would do if he didn't put, or they didn't put them down.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  And then I look to the hedge.

• 40:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  As long as, um, uh, you know, if, if, if the driver hasn't put the, uh, full beam off.

• 40:56Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Turned it off.

• 40:57Speaker 07

  Okay, very good.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  So what are you doing, Adrian? It feels like you're, you're keeping a solution from us.

• 41:03Speaker 07

  Well, I'm not really, I'm, I'm, I'm, if I'm driving a car with automatic beams, I'm too busy fighting that as well as several other safety features that seem to have minds of their own and, and can't be turned off.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  Every time I hire a car, because my car is about, how old is it?

• 41:21Speaker 00

  Twenty eighteen.

• 41:21Speaker 01

  Eight, eight years old, so it's still very much in the button realm. Every time I now hire a car, it's like stepping into a spaceship from 20 years ahead. It makes a noise every time you do everything and it's trying to really micromanage your driving style.

• 41:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  To the point at which it becomes more distracting to work out how to turn the bloody thing off.

• 41:45Speaker 00

  And it takes the wheel if you're veering out of, uh.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:49Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 41:49Speaker 01

  And it automatically slows the car down when you, if you go into a new speed zone or it, it will beep if you are not holding the wheel with enough force to trigger the sensor. So it says like, come on, mate, pay attention.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  Uh, every, when I ask John if he's going to buy a new car, he says, no, because I don't want to start driving an iPad.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 42:12Speaker 00

  And it makes him sound really young.

• 42:13Speaker 07

  I'm just trying to help you out here. Can we do something that nods to the fact that some of your target audience are under the age of 75?

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Um.

• 42:22Speaker 07

  Can you think of a quick, think of a subject?

• 42:24Speaker 01

  What are your kids reading?

• 42:25Speaker 00

  Uh, they're, they're, they're.

• 42:28Speaker 07

  Go on, quick, there's got to be something.

• 42:29Speaker 00

  Jackson Wilson books, a popper's day, Adrian. I'm trying to think about the young, young people things.

• 42:34Speaker 07

  Yes, okay. Yes, we, we, we do.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  School blazers.

• 42:37Speaker 07

  Yes, exactly, exactly. Uh, have a, have a good one. The Ellis and John, all be on a, a little bit later and the podcast out too. It's just gone 12:30. Let's get the news and sport.

• 43:00Speaker 03

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• 43:23Speaker 03

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• 43:30Speaker 02

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• 44:50Speaker 05

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• 45:52Speaker 01

  Um, we had a lovely message from, and this will lead nicely into what we're about to discuss today. A lovely message from Kelly and Kelly says, hello, my three freshly baked Portuguese tarts. After listening to episode 585 and hearing the content of Ellis's message thread with Izzy, I thought I'd write in and give you a little insight into the text life I share with my husband. We've always had a pretty good text life, right from the early days of our relationship. 16 years later, we're still messaging each other constantly, although the subject matter has evolved somewhat from the early days of romance. For context, my husband works away four days a week. So a lot of the conversations we'd ordinarily have over an evening meal happen via WhatsApp. Rather than having one

• 46:35Speaker 01

  continuous conversation, we now have 12 separate WhatsApp groups.

• 46:40Speaker 07

  Wow.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  Containing just the two of us, each with its own very specific remit.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  That would.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  I'm now going to run you through the WhatsApp groups. Admin Schmadmen, which is admin, the beating heart of domestic operations. Health K and J, dedicated space for medical appointments, ailments and body deterioration.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  DBR, detached bonus room, we're currently building in the garden. This is where we discuss the project. Kelly's Lady Garden, the garden. Diary Dates, a dumping ground for screenshots of things we're doing. Holiday, currently Portugal. Returns, Amazon, et cetera. My husband orders an extraordinary amount of stuff online, a significant proportion of which inevitably gets sent back. This group is where he sends me QR codes. Money/Budget, the most contentious department where financial matters are discussed. Kitchen design ideas, house goals, jobs that need finishing, and finally, our normal WhatsApp conversation. So there you have it. Love the pod, Kelly. I think that's a great idea.

• 47:45Speaker 03

  I can't work out whether that would stress me out more or it's a great idea and it'd relax you because it's so organised.

• 47:51Speaker 00

  Do you know what it would lead to? It would lead to the prioritisation of certain groups.

• 47:55Speaker 03

  It's a cutlery drawer for WhatsApp, isn't it?

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Yes, it is.

• 47:58Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. So it's not a bad idea.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  It's not a bad idea.

• 48:02Speaker 00

  So I think, for instance, I would prioritise, I'm just looking at the page now, returns, Amazons, et cetera, Amazon, et cetera, and maybe like money, budget.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  It could lead to some quite funny moments. For example, if, um, if Kelly were to say, you know, money, in the budget one, like money's tight this month, um, you know, we're going to have to pull in the purse strings, then her partner could then message in kitchen design ideas to say, listen, we're going to have to pull it this, the woman in the other WhatsApp group says we're not going to have enough money. She is, she is a real pain.

• 48:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's good.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  That's good humour.

• 48:38Speaker 03

  That is nice.

• 48:39Speaker 00

  That is good humour, good humour once.

• 48:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. One off of good humour.

• 48:43Speaker 03

  And obviously this all came about, didn't it? Because is it fair to say your communications with your wife are transactional?

• 48:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  I'd say.

• 48:51Speaker 00

  Functionally.

• 48:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're functional and it gets to the point, doesn't it? I think.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  And Ellis accidentally printed them all out.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  He accidentally printed out his entire text history with Izzy.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  So we have.

• 49:03Speaker 00

  I, I stopped it. I realised what was happening after the page 39.

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. We have employed some actors, haven't we, Dave?

• 49:09Speaker 03

  Well, we had the idea last week and we've, we've, we've realised that dream, John, um, of, because we thought it'd be funny or fun just to see what your, uh, your interactions would sound like, put to a bit of romantic music and maybe voiced by a couple of people who are, who have character to their own voice. And just to see if we reset how it would sound saying the things that you do say to each other.

• 49:32Speaker 00

  It's good fun under this bus. I love it here.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  This is a nice bus. This is a creative bus.

• 49:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm still being crushed.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Hey, pick up, get your cutlery drawer out. Put that, have that on your lap.

• 49:45Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I'm gonna, I'm gonna hold it for comfort.

• 49:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:50Speaker 00

  It's like my comfort cutlery drawer.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  So a huge thank you to.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  Well, who's, who's to know who it is? Maybe we've got Brad Pitt and Shirley Bassey.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  Do we, um?

• 50:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  Is that possible?

• 50:03Speaker 03

  I'm not sure.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  It is possible.

• 50:04Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 50:05Speaker 00

  She's still with us.

• 50:06Speaker 03

  Still with us. Good, good. Okay.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Well, maybe listeners might like to hear who it is.

• 50:10Speaker 00

  Did you mean Charlize Theron?

• 50:11Speaker 01

  No, I don't think I did.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  Okay. Charlene from Neighbours?

• 50:14Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 50:15Speaker 03

  Do we not want to reveal? We can reveal after.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  I think just let them hear.

• 50:19Speaker 03

  Okay, just let them hear. So here are just a few interactions between Ellis and Izzy acted out in romantic settings. Here we go. Here's interaction number one.

• 50:37Speaker 03

  I swept behind the freezer. It was, for want of a better word, horrific behind there. I was half expecting a mouse skeleton, but there were no bodies.

• 50:50Speaker 05

  Is the stuff in there wet?

• 50:54Speaker 03

  A little. It tripped about two minutes in. It's a ball ache to take out. You've got about 60 seconds before it trips again and I'd have to take the freezer out again.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  A little interaction number one.

• 51:13Speaker 03

  There are, there are more.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  We're having problems with the washing machine.

• 51:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  We're having problems with the washing machine.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  With the £10,000 washing machine?

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. Not the, sorry, for the benefit of the new listeners, I didn't spend £10,000 on my washing machine.

• 51:28Speaker 01

  For the benefit of the old listeners, you spend £10,000 on your washing machine.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  I didn't spend £10,000. I've got a nice washing machine.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  What's wrong with it?

• 51:36Speaker 00

  I don't know. There's a man coming today, actually. Although his, his definition of afternoon and evening is very different to mine. He said, oh, I could come in the evening. And I went, uh, okay. Cause I've got a gig. Obviously the kids are at home then. I said, I said, so when will that be? Went between three and five.

• 51:53Speaker 03

  That's afternoon. That's, that is slap bang.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Unless he's coming from another time though.

• 52:00Speaker 00

  Okay, then yeah.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  Is he like that mad dad? He's, he's preparing for a trip to China. So he's, he's working about sort of five hours behind.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  I was like, okay, come in the evening then. Well, when do you think the morning is? Cause you just said that the morning would be difficult, but do you mean it can't pass four in the morning?

• 52:18Speaker 01

  Evening is six onwards.

• 52:19Speaker 00

  Yes, that's what I think.

• 52:21Speaker 03

  Although I think the light changes things. I think once it gets darker in the evenings, you could almost pass on.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  It's not the evening at 5pm.

• 52:26Speaker 01

  And it's not the afternoon at 6pm.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  No. I had to, I, I pulled the filters out. There's a double filter on my Porsche washing machine. And I pulled them both out to clean them. And we live in a hard water area.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Oh, do you? Do you really?

• 52:41Speaker 00

  But I don't let it lie at the hardest. But I don't let it get me down as.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Cause I live in a very hard water area, but I thought London was soft.

• 52:48Speaker 00

  London's mega hard.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 52:50Speaker 00

  And when I took the filter out, they were like, this didn't do the trick, by the way, but, um, just shards of lime scale.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. You need to be running a descaler through once a month.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  Yes. And I, I have been told that.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  I thought you said, I've been doing that.

• 53:07Speaker 00

  No, I have been told that.

• 53:09Speaker 03

  Shall we, shall we head back to our romantic couple?

• 53:11Speaker 00

  This is awful. Cause these are actual messages we sent.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. So I think for the, for the listener, I think picture the texts being bashed back and forth between our listeners as you listen to these reenactments. Okay, here we go.

• 53:25Speaker 05

  Just past station. Do I need to take them swimming?

• 53:29Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 53:30Speaker 05

  I might not be able to finish kitchen. Sorry. Have been trying and failing to set up her phone and going through all coats and bags and utility room.

• 53:42Speaker 03

  No problem at all, man.

• 53:44Speaker 05

  Where do you normally park? Have they closed that side gate?

• 53:51Speaker 05

  Just reversed into a car.

• 53:55Speaker 05

  Hoping it's okay.

• 54:00Speaker 05

  Going to check after lesson.

• 54:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  You'll need to use the code for the gate.

• 54:12Speaker 05

  For that side gate, you mean?

• 54:15Speaker 03

  How hard did you hit the car?

• 54:18Speaker 05

  Very softly. Hoping it's okay.

• 54:25Speaker 05

  Food bins need to go out.

• 54:29Speaker 05

  From the kitchen and onto the road.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  The gear shifts are incredible.

• 54:38Speaker 01

  I'm having such a great time.

• 54:40Speaker 00

  See this cake?

• 54:41Speaker 01

  Eating my cake and listening to Ellis and Izzy's texts read brilliantly by, um, by our dear friends Annie McGrath and Mike Wozniak.

• 54:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, they do a very good job. Thank you, Annie and Mike.

• 54:52Speaker 00

  They do a very good job.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  Cause they're both busy this week and they both found time, Annie, at 1am to be doing this now.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  Oh, Annie, thank you.

• 54:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. And Mike was on tour as well, I think. So they both found time.

• 55:03Speaker 01

  Are there more, Dave?

• 55:04Speaker 03

  There's one more.

• 55:06Speaker 01

  Let's hear the next one.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  There's one more and it might just be the best. I'll hold my comfort cutlery.

• 55:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. Here we go.

• 55:14Speaker 05

  When will you be back? And do you plan to have dinner with me and the kids?

• 55:20Speaker 03

  No plans. I'll be back at sevenish.

• 55:23Speaker 05

  Only booked EV till 5pm, Elle. As you said, you'd be back by then. She needs to go at five.

• 55:35Speaker 05

  What shall I do? Get Sue to come down?

• 55:41Speaker 05

  Tell me ASAP if you can be back by five.

• 55:46Speaker 05

  Sue can't come. Call me ASAP.

• 55:51Speaker 05

  Call me as soon as you get this.

• 55:55Speaker 03

  I'll come back now.

• 55:59Speaker 03

  I'll be back by 5pm.

• 56:01Speaker 05

  We've got onions, garlic and tomatoes for spag bol, but need all else.

• 56:09Speaker 03

  I'll get mince, peppers, mushrooms. Anything else?

• 56:14Speaker 05

  Proper spaghetti and pasta. Make it double so we can freeze it.

• 56:21Speaker 03

  1,000 grams of beef mince.

• 56:24Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 56:26Speaker 03

  Do we need milk?

• 56:27Speaker 05

  Yes. Could you also get kitchen roll?

• 56:32Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 56:34Speaker 05

  In case you're still there, foil and a measuring jug.

• 56:43Speaker 01

  Goodness, I've steamed up.

• 56:47Speaker 00

  That's it.

• 56:50Speaker 00

  She was so angry when I said I was gonna be back at seven. I was doing a distant podcast and clapping. And I thought I could go for a drink after and had forgotten that she had a gig. And that we'd already booked EV till five. But then I texted her just before I went on stage and went back to sound, cause Kate Mason was our guest. I went to go for a pint with Kate.

• 57:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  You forgot, didn't you?

• 57:11Speaker 00

  And then she, so she was, she was on the phone to the venue. She was like, how long is it? Are they selling merch? When are they back?

• 57:17Speaker 03

  Really?

• 57:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:19Speaker 03

  Cause the way Annie delivers those messages that are back to back.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  Oh, it sounds like a positive.

• 57:22Speaker 03

  It sounds like she's having a lovely playful time.

• 57:24Speaker 00

  Absolutely not. Call me ASAP.

• 57:29Speaker 01

  And you didn't have a measuring jug?

• 57:31Speaker 00

  I'd smashed it.

• 57:32Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 57:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was, I was, I was, um, I'd emptied the dishwasher and I just dropped it. So I'd smashed it.

• 57:38Speaker 01

  Okay, that's fair.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  But it's pancakes every weekend. So we need, we need a measuring jug. Wow, a bit of fun.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  1,000 grams.

• 57:46Speaker 03

  That's the line. That's the killer line. So good.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Um, I can forward you some good stuff about how you care for a washing machine.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  Thanks, man.

• 57:57Speaker 03

  That's what you say to Izzy.

• 57:58Speaker 01

  In a hard water town, you need to be cleaning it once every two months minimum, I would say. Otherwise it will just break.

• 58:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:07Speaker 03

  How often are you saying, calling Izzy man, should have interest?

• 58:10Speaker 00

  Quite a lot. I call the kids man. I find it really funny.

• 58:14Speaker 01

  Oh my god. Good.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  Great.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  So more of that next week and then for the rest of time.

• 58:18Speaker 03

  I do, I mean, it could be, I mean, it could be a running feature. It could be. I don't know. I, I kind of saw it more as a one off, but it was very good.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  I was a sort of authentic, when you asked me to send you something, I just scrolled and stopped at random.

• 58:32Speaker 03

  I mean, it was great.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  And just forwarded you the three, three shits.

• 58:35Speaker 03

  Couldn't have been better. There was actually a bit more, but we thought three was the rule. So there was actually a bit more around your washing machine as well.

• 58:41Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 58:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  Okay, let's take a quick break to hear from our sponsors.

• 58:47Speaker 03

  Or BBC Sounds.

• 58:55Speaker 02

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• 1:01:55Speaker 01

  We had an email from Bee, just a quick one. "Good morning, mustard deniers. Try making a cauliflower cheese without English mustard. It won't work. Much love, Bee." I think I agree with you, Bee.

• 1:02:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:02:07Speaker 07

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  That was just because I told Ellis about a chef that said the only thing he doesn't use in cooking is English mustard. But Bee makes a valid point. Were he to be, he would probably use Dijon, but it wouldn't have the punch.

• 1:02:19Speaker 03

  No. No, but Dijon does work.

• 1:02:22Speaker 00

  I'd love to tell him that to his face. Because he's one of our French friends from across the channel. This, this, I couldn't make a head or tail of this. Dear Marquess John, Baron Ellis, and peasant Dave.

• 1:02:37Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  Your t-shirt discussions have another level to cover, in my humble opinion. Once the number of t-shirts one has in the drawers, one thing. The number one takes away with them is quite another. When I was away on a week-long residential in North Wales with 50 young people in the summer of 2025, I was astounded to learn that one of the leaders had brought with them, wait for it, 42 t-shirts.

• 1:02:59Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 1:03:00Speaker 00

  That allows for five to six t-shirts per day.

• 1:03:04Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  So you're changing every couple of hours.

• 1:03:07Speaker 03

  Well, you just, you've just got the choice. You're not, you're surely not going through them all, but it's nice to know you've got the options.

• 1:03:12Speaker 00

  Rightly, the leader in question was on the receiving end of a lot of banter aimed at him for his madness. And so it was with great interest that I asked him a year later at the same camp how many t-shirts he'd brought with him this year. He smiled and said with pride, "Only 28." It would be easy to discount this man as mad, but the truth is, he's a great guy and happens to be a GP.

• 1:03:33Speaker 00

  "Love your work, Rob from Liverpool." Why would you need 42 t-shirts for a week-long residential?

• 1:03:40Speaker 03

  That's too many.

• 1:03:41Speaker 01

  Well, I wonder if the-

• 1:03:42Speaker 00

  You might get wet.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  Well, I wonder if the thinking is like, "I just want to transplant my entire wardrobe onto my holiday, so I have the same choice." But that feels mad.

• 1:03:51Speaker 00

  I sort of understand it. Sometimes when you're on holiday, you think, "Oh, I'd like that thing," and then you've forgotten it. And then you think, "Okay, well, I need to remember that for next time."

• 1:04:01Speaker 01

  I learnt a valuable lesson on my first-ever golf holiday is that one pair of pants a day-

• 1:04:06Speaker 00

  Is not enough.

• 1:04:06Speaker 01

  -when you're playing golf in 35-degree heat for five hours.

• 1:04:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:11Speaker 01

  This is the most horrible thing, to come back to your room, have a shower, get ready to go down to the bar, and then just put on a damp pair of sweaty pants.

• 1:04:19Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  So it's two pants, two socks per day, if there's an activity in the holiday.

• 1:04:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, unless you have access to a washing machine.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  Yes. But I don't, I mean, I can imagine someone, if they're going to get sweaty all day, they definitely want two t-shirts a day.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that's 14 t-shirts.

• 1:04:37Speaker 01

  Then are they wearing one in bed at night? But I would just wear the one I was wearing in the evening.

• 1:04:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, me too.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  So.

• 1:04:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:04:45Speaker 00

  But he's a GP and a great guy. So there must be method to his madness.

• 1:04:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, thank you very much for all of your correspondence. You can get us [email protected]. You can find us all around the internet in various different forms.

• 1:04:59Speaker 00

  Every corner.

• 1:05:00Speaker 01

  We'll be back on BBC Sounds on Saturday. We'll be back in your podcast inboxes on Tuesday. And there's even bonus stuff knocking around, isn't there, Dave? But we won't say where that's going to be, will we?

• 1:05:12Speaker 03

  We want to make our audience work for that.

• 1:05:15Speaker 01

  No, we don't. We just have to contractually make them work because we're not allowed to do the work for them.

• 1:05:23Speaker 03

  And that's fair enough, isn't it? Isn't it?

• 1:05:26Speaker 01

  It is.

• 1:05:26Speaker 03

  Just before we go, is there a fun rapid response unit in your partnership comms? Like, three highlights of how you talk to your partners, so like-

• 1:05:37Speaker 01

  That's too involved, Dave. It's how many t-shirts do you own?

• 1:05:41Speaker 03

  No, but you could say brisk emojis, two kisses max. Like, are there rules? I wonder if there could be a good rapid response?

• 1:05:50Speaker 01

  I don't think that's rapid response territory, really.

• 1:05:52Speaker 03

  No, it's because we've dumbed it down for the yeses and nos of the t-shirts now and numbers.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  That was bad. That was a low point. But let's, let's raise ourselves out of the-

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  Okay, fine.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  Have you heard someone saying brisk emojis? What does that mean?

• 1:06:07Speaker 03

  Well, there's a way of wording it, so you get a very kind of bullet-pointed-

• 1:06:10Speaker 01

  No, it's what's your favourite motorway? How much have you got in an Isar?

• 1:06:14Speaker 03

  Okay, well, scrap that idea. Okay, I peeked at the romantic text messages. Understood, understood. No more ideas.

• 1:06:23Speaker 03

  No more ideas from me. All right, bye.

• 1:06:27Speaker 01

  But let's do, how much have you got in an Isar?

• 1:06:31Speaker 01

  Bye-bye.

• 1:06:41Speaker 02

  Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle/workspacewithGemini. That's goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.

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• 1:08:17Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show, and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at @EllisonJohn for more content.

• 1:08:22Speaker 03

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page, @EllisonJohn.

• 1:08:27Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch, and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.