#575 - Orc Nation, A Degree in Limbs and Sir Doctor Captain John Robins MP

Watch out world because there’s a new doctor in town, and he’s got big plans. Yes it’s Dr Robins from now on, and if he’s lucky maybe someone will even chuck an MBE at the end. This feels significant. But who is our esteemed doctor broadcasting with today? We’ll tell ya; a man who can’t keep his defining characteristic within the confines of his own podcast (Elis), and an iguanadon (Dave). All is explained within. Plus, Sam and Ash from Skinwigs pop by to play a music-based Made Up Game that sees Elis and John trapped in a collaborative hell. Do you have any correspondence for our newly minted doctor? Send it to [email protected] forthwith. And that's also where to send your Sartorial Superstitions - the clothes you've kept/worn for far too long for reasons only you really understand. For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Miniumpicks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Birdwatching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well. Ellis is there as well, Dave. We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 03

  Network freedom and flexibility, that's what you want in a healthcare plan. With a Humana Medicare Advantage PPO plan, you can see any doctor in the country who accepts Medicare, including specialists. No referrals, no kidding. Learn more at gethumana.com. See any doctor who accepts Medicare and is willing to bill Humana. Humana PPOs may not be available in all areas. Benefits and costs share may vary. Humana is a Medicare Advantage PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  Hello, everyone.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  That's good stuff.

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Did it work? Did that work?

• 1:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, we'll make sure it does. Well, I don't know yet. We don't know why we needed to get the horns.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Play the horns again, please.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  And in the spirit of full disclosure, those are last minute horns. That was a last minute request.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  I like the horns.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  For a third time, please play the horns.

• 1:59Speaker 02

  That'd be huge.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Google famous doctors and you'll be met with some of the most revered names in the history of human endeavor. Watson, Jekyll, Martins, Dre, Quinn Medicine Woman, Strange, Zeus, Who and Hillary Jones, to name but a few. But next week, another name will be added to that list. Yes, I can reveal that from Monday, I will be John Robbins no more. From then on, it's Dr. Robbins to you. The venerable and esteemed Muluds, Madames, Captains, Knights, Errants, Professors and Grandees of the Open University, Britain's most prestigious university apart from Oxford, have finally aligned themselves with the mood of the public

• 2:50Speaker 01

  and answered the cries of the nation by conferring on me an honorary doctorate.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  In what?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  With all fitting

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Being self-obsessed.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  With all fitting regalia's rites, dues and harpsichord accompaniments. I've made modest requests for the service, merely a horse-drawn carriage to and from the ceremony, an international multi-channel simulcast with commentary provided by Claire Balding and a solitary pipers lament as I enter.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  And two Diet Cokes, usually.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  But what's the doctorate for, John?

• 3:23Speaker 00

  A pad thai.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  Services to comedy, services to intellect and handsomeness. Is it a recognition for your contribution to content or delayed recognition of your groundbreaking TV show Beat the Internet with John Robbins, which challenged the received wisdom that you couldn't make a TV show for a grand? No, and if any universities are listening, those ones are still up for grabs. This one is for services to public understanding of mental health. So Ellis and Dave aren't allowed to make fun of me and still have to call me Dr. Robbins from Monday onwards for the rest of time.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  Dr. Robbins.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Dr. Robbins, MD.

• 4:03Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  Licensed to practice medicine.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  No, no, no.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  No, no. All be a vet. Um, when did you hear about this?

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Ah, Muluds and Madames contacted my team, because obviously I have a team around me of PAs, navigators, strategists, experts in warfare.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Your agents.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  My agent as well as the rest of the team. I've got a chef.

• 4:32Speaker 02

  Have you?

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've got 10 personal trainers, one in a different

• 4:37Speaker 00

  Section of your body.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  I'm just training his shins.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  And also various survival experts, how to disappear, spies. I've got people on the inside. I've got someone working in Ellis's house. I've got someone in your house, Dave.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Have you?

• 4:56Speaker 01

  You wouldn't know.

• 4:57Speaker 02

  Colo.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Well, don't look too closely at the bell on his collar, Dave.

• 5:02Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, sorry, they contacted my agent about six months.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  Is this a thought experiment? Or is this, is this true?

• 5:10Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  It's not a thought experiment.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  It's not a thought experiment.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Well, congratulations, John.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Thank you, Ellis.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  I once looked at the alumni list of your college at Oxford and you are on there.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  It's me and Edwina Curry.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Yes, I will be attending a ceremony with various other leading thinkers.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  So is it just leading thinkers around the subject of mental health? Or will there be lots of doctors knocking about with different themes?

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Well, they originally said, John, look, we want to give you, the big ones, chemistry, maths, physics, geography, DT.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  A Nobel Prize.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Nobel Prize, Commonwealth Gold. I said, no, let's get a load of people on board. There'll be a big gang of us. So it's, I think there's about 300 or 400 Open University students, graduums, graduating in various disciplines and a couple of, sure, honorary doctors of thought. And the UN will probably be there with some scouts.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  My memory of the Open University is that in the 80s, it was on before the kids' telly on Saturday morning.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, men with brown trousers and beards pointing at graphs.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  And beards, doing lectures, yeah, on telly.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  What is the Open University?

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  I don't really understand.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 6:34Speaker 00

  I know, it was founded by Toby Young's dad, I think.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Was it?

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Open University, yeah.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  Wow, Dave.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  John Cingles, seriously.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  I think that's pretty upsetting that you don't know what the Open

• 6:48Speaker 00

  It's a way of getting a degree, almost by the post.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  It's not a way of getting it. It's not like getting a fake certificate.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  No, no, no, but what I'm saying, you don't have to, you know, if you, if you don't want to be a student full time, you can do it from home.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:06Speaker 01

  Dave, I think it's a terrible shame

• 7:09Speaker 02

  Scroll down.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  That you don't understand that the Open University is a public research university and the largest university in the United Kingdom by the number of students.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  It was a distance learning, that's what I meant by doing it in the post. It was a distance learning institution.

• 7:24Speaker 02

  So it's like a remote, you can, you can get a degree remotely, essentially.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Maybe people who weren't, you know, sort of not school leavers, who might have, who might wanted a degree and combine it with work and family.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  Outside the box thinkers.

• 7:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Convention breakers, rule keepers.

• 7:43Speaker 00

  The convention breakers and rule keepers?

• 7:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, because conventions and rules are different.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  That's a semantic issue.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  It's a convention that we think equals MC squared.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  And this is the kind of fleet-footed thinking that means he has to be recognized by the Open University.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Equals MC squared is a convention. What if it doesn't, you know? Ask the question.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  Are they going to retract this? When, when does it happen?

• 8:13Speaker 01

  It's too late. This will have gone out after I've got the award.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  That would be the ultimate indignity. If they listen to this link and are like, Kai, what were we thinking?

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Turns out he doesn't know what an Open University is, so we're asking for it back.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  It's got 200,000 students, Dave.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Stop reading Wikipedia, John.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  But if it wasn't for people like the Open University, we might not have a Wikipedia. Because the Wikipedia is an open source encyclopedia which spreads learning to the masses.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, flexible and part-time ways of getting a degree.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  Which John is so passionate about and he always has been.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  A few big questions. Are you going to change your email signature?

• 8:53Speaker 01

  I don't have an email signature, Dave, because I am a convention breaker and a rule keeper.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  Are you going to get an email signature? Because you can now put, what would you put next to it?

• 9:03Speaker 01

  The good Sir Lord, Sir High Admiral, Sir Captain, Sir Dame, Sir Knight, Sir John Robbins, MP, Esquire, PhD, BAons, BA Oxon, MA Oxon, KBE, MBE.

• 9:18Speaker 00

  A lot of lies there.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  In fact, they shared with me the sort of order of the day. And at one point, it does say the Chancellor will then invite John Robbins, MBE, to make a speech. They've, they've whacked in a little MBE there.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  MBE?

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Why do they, why does anyone think you've got an MBE?

• 9:39Speaker 01

  Probably because of something I've said.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  If you go, if you, oh my God, if people genuinely thought you had an MP, I'd never stop laughing. It would, it would tickle me for the rest of my life.

• 9:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  John Robbins, MBE.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  I can send you, I can send you a copy of the prospectus. It says John Rob, John Robbins, MBE, will then make a short speech.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Then that's got to be on the card. Yeah. I'm trying to think of comedians with MBEs. There must be some.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Comedians tend not to get many, because, you know, we're satirists.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  Convention breakers and rule keepers.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  I mean, Billy Connolly, maybe, does he have?

• 10:19Speaker 01

  Didn't the Pythons turn one down?

• 10:20Speaker 02

  Rob Brydon.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  What's he got?

• 10:22Speaker 02

  MBE.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  He was appointed member of the Order of the British Empire in 2013. Well done, Rob.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  But anyway, I'm not getting an MBE because

• 10:31Speaker 00

  You've already got one.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  I may already have one. Who knows? I don't know.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Bill Bailey.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  It's up.

• 10:35Speaker 00

  Has Bill Bailey got an MBE?

• 10:37Speaker 01

  But I will be Sir Doctor Captain, John Robbins, MP from Monday onwards.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  Oh, God. So you're a doctor. This is the man that

• 10:45Speaker 01

  His right honourable.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  This is the man that tested medication to see which one was out of date on one podcast.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  He's a doctor. This man sprayed antibacterial gel into his mouth because he thought he had Covid in the car. Do you remember?

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was the day before lockdown.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  The day before lockdown.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  I was worried I was gonna get done for drink driving.

• 11:09Speaker 00

  Oh, yes.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  It's 70% proof.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  What were we doing together?

• 11:14Speaker 01

  We weren't doing anything.

• 11:15Speaker 02

  Were we not?

• 11:15Speaker 00

  No, we talked about this on the isolation tapes.

• 11:17Speaker 02

  Oh, did we? Right. I knew the story.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  But John thought he'd come into contact with someone who had Covid.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  Kieran Pritchard, Maclean.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  Kieran Pritchard, Maclean, and he sprayed antibacterial gel into his gob in the car before driving home.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I'm not gonna mention that in the speech, am I?

• 11:31Speaker 00

  No.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  But that's like one of those Victorian inventors who does all the experiments on himself, like bloodletting, and then finds out that mercury is poisonous shortly before dying.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  I occasionally fantasize about having gone to university with you.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Do you?

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I didn't know you then. I didn't meet you until, let me do the maths on this, you were 22.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Yes, correct.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  So January-ish or February 2005, so you would have been 23 in the May.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  So obviously I didn't, I didn't know John when he was at uni, and each story fascinates me more because what a rollercoaster emotionally, but clever boy, so I'd have loved to have read his essays.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Well, now that I am the right honourable Dr Sir Captain Knight-Earant, Johnny JRM P.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  We want this podcast to still be for the people though, don't we?

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Nothing is more for the people than the Open University, Dave.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  It's a flexible part-time distance learning institution.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  So Ellis can now, you can now be at university with me.

• 12:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, we could do all the Open University degrees together.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  You've already done an MA.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  So you can do a PhD at the Open University and I will be your lecturer. What do you want to do it on?

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  What would you want to do a PhD on if you had to do one now for a million pounds, which is probably what it costs?

• 12:57Speaker 00

  What would I do a PhD?

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Not at the Open University though. I don't know their pricing.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  No.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  I was making a satirical joke about the cost of education these days.

• 13:04Speaker 02

  Not, they're not, that's not the door of the Open University.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  That's not on them.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  The one I often joke about doing, but there's definitely not 100,000 words in it, is that if you look at how football fans celebrate through the decades, they do different things with their limbs.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  And I, if you give me.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  It's more a pamphlet, isn't it?

• 13:28Speaker 00

  It's a paragraph, Dave.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  It's an Instagram post with two pictures.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  But if you give me footage of goals being scored in front of home ends, 1960 to 2015, I will be able to always, within about six months, be able to tell you when the, when the goal was scored because I can just tell from the way people react.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  And addressed in the quality of the picture, what they're wearing and the advertising.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Regardless of that, I'm actually, I'm actually not taking that in.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  You're just looking directly at the limbs.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Angle, blur.

• 14:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm, so I've, I've often discovered, I've often joked about doing a degree in limbs, but there's, there isn't 100,000 words in it.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 14:08Speaker 00

  And I know that, which is why I've not applied.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  And I'd never get funding. Who on earth would give me the funding?

• 14:14Speaker 01

  So there better be some changes round here, Dave, I think. I'm going to need a new seat. I would like it to be higher and bigger and more comfortable.

• 14:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  If that's possible. Obviously I'll need a lot of my medical equipment in here because I'll be practising from the studio.

• 14:28Speaker 02

  Stethoscope.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll need one of those leather valises or carpet bags.

• 14:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Like Dr Woxon would have had, some big reusable hypodermic syringes like they had in the 1910s.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  What are you gonna do with those?

• 14:44Speaker 01

  I am going to treat people for a variety of.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  So this has become a clinic?

• 14:50Speaker 01

  In many ways, this will become a private medical clinic. We need an espresso machine.

• 14:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Some magazines in the waiting room, a kind and well-informed receptionist.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Ellis.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Ellis.

• 15:02Speaker 00

  Hello?

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Yes, that's perfect.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  That was nice.

• 15:05Speaker 00

  You're here to be Dr Robbins?

• 15:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I am.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Yes, again, for you now.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  My PhD would be in popular culture and media and the Welsh language, 1963 to present.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  But what, you've got to be a bit more specific, isn't it?

• 15:18Speaker 00

  All right, I just riffed that. I mean, I haven't had my first meeting with my tutor yet.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  How the Wales was won.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, very good. It would be on the impact of SOC, Rody Cymru and record labels such as Sign and Angst.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  I'd read that.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, actually, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna apply today. I quit.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  We should go through, John.

• 15:39Speaker 00

  Last show.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  You're getting dead quick with this guy.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  So I would talk about the Sign record label and the Angst record label, and then I would talk about some of the more famous bands switching to singing English in the 90s. And I would talk about programmes and I would, and I would compare it to Brittany, for instance, because there were a million Breton speakers after the war and about half a million Welsh speakers. And yet now those roles have reversed because the French state didn't get behind Breton in the way that the British state, I must admit, did get behind Welsh.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Eventually.

• 16:08Speaker 00

  Eventually, yeah, yeah. The French, the friend, the way the French have treated Breton is disgraceful. But this all gets dealt with in the PhD.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:17Speaker 02

  Good stuff.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  I think that'd be really, well, I can make some calls at the Open University.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  I would love that.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  I'd like to do mine on Jamie T.

• 16:28Speaker 00

  I once did an event at Cardiff Library.

• 16:33Speaker 00

  It's because the Cardiff Library had a massive refurb, like a multimillion pound refurb, the one in town, Cardiff Central. And I talked to a guy who'd done his PhD or his MA on West Waelian coal miners during the general strike, sort of Amun Valley and Gondra Valley. And I said, I would love to read that. Give me a, I'll, I'll give him my email address, but he never sent it to me because I think he thought I was just being nice, but I actually wanted to read it.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  So there we go. Yes, very different vibe next week. I would imagine I'll be wearing wreaths and hoods and various sort of gowns and mortarboards and stuff.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  You could lecture in your gown, but I think that's sort of quite anti the vibe of the Open University.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  You're perched on the edge of a seat wearing a leather jacket.

• 17:19Speaker 01

  Big time. And I'm wearing the leather jacket with my legs through the arms and topless.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  Because you're a convention breaker but a rule keeper. So you have got a jacket on, you're not naked. You're not breaking the law. You just put your legs through the sleeves.

• 17:36Speaker 02

  Where's the back?

• 17:37Speaker 01

  Well, it's not indecent exposure because I painted my groin the same colour as the desk.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  So it's a form of camouflage.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  You can't tell what it is.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  But I also can't.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  Just looks like a lumpy desk.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  I also can't move.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  No, because people would start to scream.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I'm making a point about perspective.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Yes, also, it's a way.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Because I'm lecturing on art.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  If you lecture on, about art on the Open University, it's a way of getting you back on the telly.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  But I am on the telly. And also I don't mind if I'm not on the telly.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  When is your telly thing starting?

• 18:08Speaker 00

  What telly thing's that?

• 18:09Speaker 01

  The show with Dara.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I forgot. Yeah, well done.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Thank you. It's just January.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  January? There's a question mark at the end of that.

• 18:18Speaker 00

  Jan 2027?

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then these are always movable feasts.

• 18:23Speaker 00

  They are, too, yeah.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  TV is a digital animal, Dave. You try taming that digital beast and it'll bite your hand.

• 18:30Speaker 00

  Digitally.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Which means that I don't think they've decided when it's going out yet.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  Do you know what? Channel it's on yet.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Ah, that's such a 90s approach, Dave.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're very legacy media, Dave, no offence.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  What channel is it? I can't remember the last time I watched BBC Two because I watch things on iPlayer.

• 18:51Speaker 02

  John keeps adjusting his glasses for gravitas.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  By clipping his mic with the hand, with his hand. I can't believe you're so question about what channel it's on, Dave.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  Dave, why don't you look it up in the Radio Times and tell me?

• 19:06Speaker 00

  Why didn't, why didn't you record it on Video Plus, you absolute dinosaur?

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, Dave.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  Oh my God, I can't believe we're broadcasting with an iguanodon.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  Good grief.

• 19:16Speaker 00

  T-Rex there.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Ellis, see you in the YouTube DMs. Yeah, you can message on YouTube now.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  It's on a channel. It's on UK TV, isn't it?

• 19:24Speaker 00

  I'll Google it on YouTube, Dave.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, I thought it was on a specific, anyway, good luck with that.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  Thank you. Well, it's already done.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:31Speaker 01

  Unless they really stitch me up in the air. Cut all of them, re-dub me with really offensive words.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Or accents.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Or accents.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  He is playful, Dara. He might do it.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  They could use AI to make it a career-ending performance. No, good stuff.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  Obviously I don't want your career ended.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  No, God, no.

• 19:52Speaker 00

  I would laugh. I would howl if they.

• 19:55Speaker 02

  Oh, people would watch it.

• 19:57Speaker 00

  If they dubbed you in an offensive accent saying offensive things. God, that would be appointment television.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, it would be an odd decision for a programme celebrating dull hobbies

• 20:09Speaker 01

  to have an outspoken Japanese-Jamaican sort of French man with AI garlic all round his neck, spouting obscenities in the corner.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, Johnny Onion.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  Johnny Onion.

• 20:24Speaker 00

  Johnny Onions who sells onions.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  Good stuff. Anyway, Ellis, what have you been up to?

• 20:32Speaker 00

  I went to watch the Oasis film, cried a lot, took my kids swimming, that's sort of it really.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Went to watch the Swans play football, walked back to the car, realised that in the melee when I'd supported the goal, the keys had come out of my pocket.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  No way.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  Had to walk back to the car, but I've got an Apple AirTag.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Oh, so you, where were the keys?

• 20:54Speaker 00

  They were in the away end.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  Good grief. But they let you back in?

• 20:57Speaker 00

  No, they, this was the problem. They wouldn't, they wouldn't readmit me because I was an away supporter. So I was showing them on my phone. I was like, I've got an Apple AirTag. He was like, you're not allowed in. I was like, but my car keys are in there. You're not allowed in. You're an away fan. I was like, what? So I live in Southampton now?

• 21:13Speaker 00

  I said, I don't, I'm not from Southampton. I wanted to, it's a three-hour drive.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  And even if I was gonna move here, I'd need my car and my keys.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  And he didn't understand. He was like, yeah, you're not allowed back in. I was like, I can't leave your city unless you allow me back in because I'd be an away fan. I was like, yeah, I drove here because I don't live here. If I lived in Southampton, I'd have walked to the ground, but I didn't. Drive because I'm a Swansea fan and I live in London.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Did he think you were going back in to cause trouble?

• 21:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, but in my own end.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  Were you in a, were you in a gugu?

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Oh, big time. Yeah.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  But then, but then. Could you not have walked to the club shop, got a Southampton shirt, popped it on and gone back with a Southampton accent, which I'd like to hear now?

• 21:57Speaker 00

  In the end, I, I asked him to get his manager. And it was quite hard to, it was quite hard to explain because I was shown in the little map where my, where my thing was. Then I started getting recognised and people were saying, what were you doing in this? I was like, I've got an air tag on my car key, but the car key's in the, in the.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  Like Alan trying to get into Coristers.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  It was absolutely.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  I made a complaint about you.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  It was absolutely.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  You were pursuing a vendetta, which I understand.

• 22:25Speaker 00

  It was horrible. And then eventually the manager understood and I had to go back in, but I was walking against the flow of traffic.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  How hard is it to understand? I mean, I understand what you're saying.

• 22:34Speaker 00

  It's more that, um, they'll have rules. They'll have rules on security.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  They had rules and you just can't re-admit. And they'll be sticking very closely to the rules.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  It's tricky because I am a convention breaker and a rule keeper. But you, I could say, if you give me a walkie talkie and you keep yours, tell me what frequency you're on, I can direct you to my keys. So you could do it for me.

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, he'd have needed my phone. It is, it is a fantastic device because you, you press a button and your keys make a noise. And then on the screen of your phone, it says, you're 13 feet away, you're 14 feet away, you're 50, you're getting away from them, you're 11 feet away, 10, 9, 8, 7.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Your little finger just touched it.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, amazing. But then by the time I got back to the car, I got caught in all of the traffic and it took hours to get home.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  I don't own any Apple air tags because I have Robyn's mind tags.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  So my brain goes, where have you left them? You left them over there. You're getting closer. You're getting closer. They're in your hand. If you remember, but also other location based devices are available, aren't they, Dave?

• 23:38Speaker 00

  The problem was.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  The Microsoft what's it?

• 23:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  The.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  The Google thingamajig.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  The Google thingamajig and, uh, where's my Panasonic?

• 23:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Where's my Panasonic?

• 23:49Speaker 00

  Problem was they'd, I couldn't quite remember where I'd been standing and they'd fallen out my pocket.

• 23:54Speaker 01

  Because of the limbs.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  Because of the limbs. Uh, so they weren't where I looked initially. I actually.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  And you'd also thrown them at the opposition striker. Because you'd run out of power.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I hate that guy. Um, so it's, it, I was, I, it would have been a disaster if I hadn't air tagged my keys.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  What else do you have air tags on?

• 24:15Speaker 00

  House keys, car keys, and that is it. Because my phone I can do with my watch.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  Yes. I air tagged my kids at latitude.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  A very good idea. I know a lot of people do do that.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  That sounds mad, but you can air tag your kids.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:31Speaker 00

  I want to air tag my cats out of curiosity to see where they go.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:41Speaker 04

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• 26:15Speaker 02

  We need to move on because we've got stuff to do. It's a bizet bizet show.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  So, that's a bizet.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  So shall we try and, uh, do a bit of connecting, John?

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Great.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  Elis James, a closed pair of eyes, unused sheets of paper that would actually help him if he used them. A caller on the line, a feature that is coveted by some of the nation's biggest names in entertainment.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  Their names are actually quite short.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Ben, Ben, Ben Partridge from Three Bean Salad asked me via WhatsApp, who the podcast that keeps saying we need a Cymru connection are. I told him and the ha ha's were in caps and, and overran four lines of text.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  Well, there were clues, but the.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  There are two massive clues.

• 27:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. A lot of people missed it.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  We'll leave it Easter egg hunters.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Christ has arisen.

• 27:07Speaker 02

  Is that linked back to them?

• 27:08Speaker 01

  Well, if you're hunting Easter eggs.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  Oh, I see.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Christ has arisen, go and get your eggs. Sorry, I haven't just had a breakdown.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  My God, John.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  Good, goodness me. The thing with your, I'm, I can't believe I'm saying this and I say it with love, but John, one of my favourite people on earth. But often when you refer to Christ, I think you're referring to yourself. I can never work out what, I can never work out who you mean. When you say Christ has risen, that could be referenced to, to, to, to like, you're weak.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  No, the, the Open University don't have the powers to bestow on me any, any title that suggests I am.

• 27:52Speaker 00

  The son of God.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  He, him, son.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  No, and, and should something go wrong, they, they won't crucify you.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  God, no, they might, they might say, can we have the honorary degree back?

• 28:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  We're taking down the portrait you had commissioned for yourself in our head office.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  Take the reference you have to Wikipedia.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Riding 10 horses on top of each other. You're riding a horse, the horse is riding a horse, that horse is riding a horse.

• 28:12Speaker 00

  Like a pyramid.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  Increasingly big horses.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Until the horse at the bottom is a thousand yards wide.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  Cymru connection, John, is where we're at.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  I remember, go on.

• 28:25Speaker 01

  Arthur Scargill commissioned an oil painting of himself riding a horse.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  People.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  Utter, utter nut.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Jose Mourinho's got one in his like sort of success room. Not of him, not of him riding a horse. It's just a painting of him. But, but, um, what's his name? Brendan Rodgers' husband in his, in his house.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Riding a horse?

• 28:42Speaker 00

  No, but like a big oil painting of himself.

• 28:44Speaker 01

  I mean, that is slightly mad, but I think if you, if you're.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  If you're riding a horse like you're Napoleon, it's weird.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  If you're commissioning paintings of yourself riding a horse and you aren't known primarily for horse riding.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Then.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  Insane.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  Question's got to be asked.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  The one painting of yourself that I am willing to accept is Moses Lack from The Simpsons, one of my favourite comic creations of all time, is based on Rich Hall.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  And Rich Hall has a big painting of Moses Lack.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Yes, that's nice.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  Which I'm all for it.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. Or a nice family portrait.

• 29:17Speaker 00

  A portrait, a painted portrait.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, people do it like they had in, um, in the, in Neighbours, Susan and Carl's family had a portrait of themselves.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  Which I think Helen Daniels had done.

• 29:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 29:29Speaker 00

  She was a commissioned artist. She did Lou as mayor, but she, he was very angry with how she depicted it.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  Oh, your knowledge of neighbours.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Uh, well, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of stuff I don't know, Dave, but honestly, Neighbours, you're not going to catch me out.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Beth Brandon, played by Natalie Imbruglia.

• 29:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, nice. Well done.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  One question. Can he make a connection? Welcome to the Cymru Connection.

• 29:52Speaker 05

  It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection. But his questions have one direction. Where did you go to school? Do you know David Evans? No. Come on, mate, you must do. No, we've never met at all.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  We received troubling news that Ellis recently Cymru connected with a member of the crowd at a rival podcast's live show. Yes, whilst taking part in direct competitor, what did you do yesterday's live recording? Ellis Cymru connected with a member of the audience in just nine seconds.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:38Speaker 01

  Though his triumph was no doubt celebrated in the room, it raises various ethical questions. One, why is Ellis so able to Cymru connect outside of official parameters? Two, why is Ellis deploying a defining feature of the show in another podcast recording? Three, does IP mean nothing these days?

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Good point.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  Stands for intellectual property, not doing away. Ellis, how do you plead?

• 31:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, it happened. I did what you, what did you do yesterday with David O'Doherty and Max Rushton? It was a really fun show. And then at the end, as they were wrapping up, someone shouted out, please Cymru connect the Hackney Empire. I went, yeah, all right. And there was a Welsh woman in the front row. Like that.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  That's a good click. That was really nice.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  I can click and I can talk about neighbours.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Well, so if someone had shouted out, please play a made up game, would you have given that a go as well?

• 31:28Speaker 00

  I would have said, well, have you got one?

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:30Speaker 00

  And who do I play it with?

• 31:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  So, yeah, Dave, actually.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  Fine, just, just aware, just aware of.

• 31:37Speaker 00

  You know, read a shame when I'm like, have you got one?

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  Talked about your mad dad. I was like, well, send me an email.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Okay, we can start asking people what they did yesterday as well.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, did you do, well, we do do that. That's the first 10 minutes of every show we've ever done.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  It's a great format.

• 31:52Speaker 02

  It is a great format.

• 31:53Speaker 00

  It is. You talk about washing machines in your one.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, mine's very uneven in terms of tone.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  And sad, yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  It's sad.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  You, you, how do you cope a light tarted podcast?

• 32:08Speaker 01

  Ellis's connection rate dropped to 48.51% last week after he failed to connect with caller Alad. He drew a Ponty Pritho blank and missed a crucial connection with Dylan Mohammed Smart. He's made a connection with 49 callers out of 101. We're still within touching distance of the magic 50. Let's see how he gets on today. We have a caller on the line. What's your name?

• 32:32Speaker 04

  Hello, my name is Felicity.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  Felicity. Ellis, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection with Felicity. Your time starts now.

• 32:40Speaker 00

  It just goes.

• 32:41Speaker 04

  I'm 53, Brentagh in Brugend.

• 32:44Speaker 00

  Brentagh in Brugend. Do you know Robert Howley?

• 32:48Speaker 04

  Yes, I do.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  There we go.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  That's faster than nine. That's faster than nine seconds. In your face, what did you do yesterday?

• 32:56Speaker 00

  The problem is I have only met Rob Howley. Only once and he wouldn't remember me.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  We go again.

• 33:02Speaker 00

  We're gonna have to go again.

• 33:04Speaker 04

  Oh no.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  We're off, go.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Oh, right. Okay. What do you do for a living?

• 33:08Speaker 04

  I'm a teacher.

• 33:09Speaker 00

  Where do you teach?

• 33:10Speaker 04

  I teach in Milan.

• 33:12Speaker 00

  In, right, okay. If you went to university, where did you go?

• 33:14Speaker 04

  I went to Royal Holloway in London.

• 33:16Speaker 00

  Royal Holloway, London. You're 53 and you're from Bridgend. Do you know Ryan March's dad, Alan?

• 33:22Speaker 04

  No.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  Alan March. Okay. Do you, do you like football?

• 33:26Speaker 04

  Sort of, but rugby more.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  Oh, Bridgend. Do you know Laura McAllister?

• 33:31Speaker 04

  No, I don't.

• 33:32Speaker 00

  Ah, okay, that's fine. Bridgend, rugby. Do you know Glenn Webb, the ex-rugby player who used to play for Bridgend in the 80s?

• 33:40Speaker 04

  No, but my dad did.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Oh my God. Okay, sorry, Bridgend. MacArthur Glen, you must have been there. I'm just thinking now, Bridgend. Sun Services.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  Oh, that's so disappointing. What a turnaround.

• 33:59Speaker 02

  Oh, we had it.

• 33:59Speaker 00

  You have to commend my honesty.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Oh, hugely. But why wouldn't this chap remember you? How do you know?

• 34:07Speaker 00

  He's a very famous rugby player and coach. And I met, I was just introduced to him like at a charity event about 15 years ago.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  How long?

• 34:14Speaker 00

  There's no way, oh, like two minutes. He's, there's no way he'd remember me. Um, are there any links you know of? If you went to Brynty, Brynty is the, probably the greatest school for producing rugby legends in Wales, I would say. It is absolutely crazy.

• 34:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's, it's the top of the pile, yeah. But also, my dad was a Welsh international and he taught at Bryntyrion, which is the other school in Bridgend.

• 34:41Speaker 00

  Who's your dad?

• 34:42Speaker 04

  His name is Graham Hodgson, GTR Hodgson. And he played for Nice.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  Steve Fenwick from Bridgend, the great centre of Plickworth in 70s, is listening to my podcast, but I haven't met him.

• 34:56Speaker 04

  No, I don't know him.

• 34:58Speaker 00

  And, okay.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  So you don't know of any connections, Felicity?

• 35:04Speaker 04

  Well, Robert Howley was the one, because you've mentioned him in the past when people have said that they've gone to Brynty. I was here for the 50, for the 50%, you see.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  He, um, I'm, I'm gonna be honest, there's no way he'd remember me. I cannot class that.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  No, and even if he did, I don't think that passes various protocols.

• 35:27Speaker 00

  I'm afraid not. Bridgend and you're 53. Oh God, there was a prison warden from Bridgend called Phil, who I worked with. What was his second name? He was really into Motorhead and Rush and Nazareth.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  Like rock, heavy rock bands. He was, he was a good laugh, but alas, if that's not ringing any bells, then I'm afraid we're gonna have to call it. Okay, that's fine. I'm, I'm in a, I'm in a good place psychologically.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  Ellis is in a good place psychologically. He's had his pants shown on national TV.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, this is better than that.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:04Speaker 00

  Um, what, what takes you to, what brings you to Milan?

• 36:08Speaker 04

  20 years ago, I came on holiday here again, came to Lake Como and thought, oh, I really like it here. And I came home and went on the internet and saw a job in the international school in Milan and applied for it and got it. And then I left.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  I wish I was brave enough to do that.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  My friend Debbie Bocello, was that her name? Went to an international school in Milan, I think. There was also, Oshan Roberts works in Lake Como now, the rugby, the football coach.

• 36:35Speaker 04

  Yes, he does. He's been very successful with them.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  He has been, and I do know him.

• 36:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  Do you know him?

• 36:42Speaker 04

  I don't. I keep meaning to go there to try and go meet him, but no.

• 36:47Speaker 00

  Not to worry, not to worry.

• 36:49Speaker 01

  Well, thank you, Felicity, for your call. I'm sorry it was unsuccessful, but sometimes there aren't connections and that's okay.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  That's the game.

• 36:55Speaker 04

  I had one other, perhaps, that you might know. Do you know Rebecca John, who works at the BBC, the newsreader?

• 37:01Speaker 00

  Hmm, uh, well, I mean, I've watched her on telly for years and she does follow me on Instagram, I think, but I don't, I've not met her. I'm afraid.

• 37:08Speaker 04

  She plays the oboe in the school orchestra, so I know her as well.

• 37:13Speaker 04

  Because I'm a musician, you see, but I'm, I'm more the classical musician, not rock band.

• 37:19Speaker 02

  Wow, okay.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Well, what stories you must have, Felicity, and we thank you for joining us, but it's a little step further away from the 50%.

• 37:30Speaker 04

  I'm so sorry.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  Don't worry about it. And I think that proves that the game is always played.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  Straight back.

• 37:36Speaker 00

  With a kind of cricketing spirit, a spirit of fair play. Thank you. Nice to meet you, Felicity.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Thank you. Bye bye.

• 37:41Speaker 04

  Nice to meet you. Thanks, lads. Ciao.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  So we're gonna take a quick break now as there's some setting up to do, because Dave had an idea in the week uh, that he wanted me and us to just be in hell for a few days.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  I've had the worst two days of my life.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Well, it's a collaborative idea. It wasn't all my idea.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  It's a collaborative hell.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Lots, lots of different fingerprints on the, the hell.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, a few people are involved.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, so look forward to being in hell for a while.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  I cannot wait.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  See you after the break.

• 38:16Speaker 01

  Okay, welcome back, everyone. Ellis and I are now firmly in hell. Ellis is screaming because he's being.

• 38:23Speaker 00

  But silently.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, because he's being poked in the bottom by an imp. I'm actually getting on pretty well with some of the top brass in hell and.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  What, the devil?

• 38:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think I might have secured myself one of the better rooms.

• 38:35Speaker 00

  I know what you're.

• 38:36Speaker 01

  Despite having said Christ is risen earlier in the episode, I've taken that back.

• 38:39Speaker 00

  I also know what your hell, hell would be.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  What would it be?

• 38:42Speaker 00

  It'd be doing like a, you constantly having to introduce yourself to new people for the rest of time.

• 38:46Speaker 01

  Oh, that would be awful. And talk to them for five minutes each.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  In a loud nightclub.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  Uh, where no one has got headphones on and they're listening to music on their phones as well as the nightclub music, which is too loud.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, so there's no fire.

• 39:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:00Speaker 00

  But you're just having to say, yeah, great, John, originally Thornbury, but now I live in Buckinghamshire. Okay, thanks a lot.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  And the only food is polenta, which tastes of sick. Dave?

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Yes, John.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Why are we in hell? Why have you put us here?

• 39:14Speaker 02

  I don't think you are in hell. I think you've risen to the challenge. We have a made up game on the way that has been brought in by uh, Sam and Ash from Skinwigs, the podcast Skinwigs, because as part of the podcast, well, hello, welcome to Ellis and John podcast.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Welcome to the show. Hello.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Thanks for having us. Welcome to hell.

• 39:32Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 39:34Speaker 02

  So there's a made up game around the corner.

• 39:37Speaker 00

  What a big banner.

• 39:38Speaker 02

  I wouldn't say is, it puts you two in your most natural spaces.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  Dave, every 18 months thinks it's really easy to write songs and will arrange some form of challenge. And he needed the best of the best, the songmeister generals.

• 39:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  So he has enlisted the two of you for a made up game. Dave, explain. Explain yourself.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Well, no, I think, no, well, not just my, I mean, Sam and I have been concocting a made up game for a little while now. Because in Skinwigs, it's quite a prominent part of the podcast, isn't it? The various songs that you guys play and stuff.

• 40:15Speaker 00

  And they're brilliant and they work.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 40:19Speaker 00

  Because they're songwriters.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  Talk us through some of the big hits from the podcast that's done well in the past. The biggest ones were from Ash's dad. Yeah. Because we found a CD that he'd left behind after he died and those are the ones that are resonating with people more than mine. I'm just trying to emulate what he's laid down, really.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  Well, we've got a clip of that, haven't we? Um, so let's listen to an extract from the CD that Ash's dad left.

• 40:46Speaker 02

  Obviously, your dad died.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  And he left you this album of beautiful songs to listen to that you'd not heard until he died. This is the final track on the album. It's called Untitled in B flat major.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  This is the last one I'm doing, Liz.

• 41:08Speaker 00

  Well, I hope you like it. Bing bong on me head, I'm too big for a sofa bed. I can't stop my whistling, I'm running late for the christening. And I can't dance like I could before. I got brain damage from the war. I can't control when I pull away. The kids I know are scared of me and I feel like life is good, especially when I've paid my rent. I kiss the creatures in the wars with or without consent. Ding dong, it's time to go. I killed my dad in Tokyo. I'm haunted by his poltergeist and late at night we 69. I came from a chicken egg. I stretched my tiny wings.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  And said, where's my talent? Where's my B? I don't at all have a bird's physique, but I feel like life is great. Nothing can spoil it. My nephew is grossly overweight. He broke my toilet.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  Ash, how does that feel listening? Like, so obviously mixed emotions for you.

• 42:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, um, I mean, I, I listen to it whenever I go in to like, things like this as well. So I have just listened to it like eight times. So I'm getting a bit bored and old a bit now, but yeah, uh, it makes me very emotional.

• 42:31Speaker 01

  Do you feel that he's sort of with you?

• 42:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Makes you emotional and bored.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  Makes me, yeah.

• 42:37Speaker 01

  Well, boredom is an emotion.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  I've been very emotional this week. Very emotional right now. The emotion, boredom.

• 42:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. I really felt then like when you, when someone starts playing your like reel in the room that you're in.

• 42:52Speaker 02

  I got very shy.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  And you start to be like, oh, that's not like funny or anything. That's just something.

• 42:56Speaker 02

  But the thought, but if you'd enjoyed it, you'd have been a complete nutter.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 43:01Speaker 02

  If you were like, oh, great. They're gonna play the song and I'm gonna watch everyone react in real time. Love it. This is, this, this is my thing. Scanning around, looking at everyone's eyes.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  I like the way he's reacting. I like the way she's reacting.

• 43:13Speaker 00

  Rewind that bit. Rewind that bit.

• 43:14Speaker 02

  Honestly, I'm, I'm great now. You missed a joke. You missed a joke. I'm great now. This bit, this bit.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  So, um, you're both content creators.

• 43:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Uh, you are both great producers of song and sketch. I especially like, Ash, your sketch where you're doing stand up in the pub garden and it's.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  Oh my God, that, everybody loves that one, don't they?

• 43:36Speaker 01

  It's so funny.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  It's so funny. It was just like written in the moment there as well, wasn't it? That we would.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, we just turned up to the pub.

• 43:42Speaker 00

  So you just make something.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Do you get embarrassed if other people like walk in and see you doing stand up about a willy on stage?

• 43:51Speaker 00

  What do you reckon? Do you reckon I should don't know?

• 43:53Speaker 01

  No, no, no, but like.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  I've never, I've never seen anyone spam that question back.

• 43:58Speaker 00

  What would you do?

• 43:59Speaker 02

  That's a first.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  But like, if I was filming a sketch, I would be like, Dave, make sure no one walks in.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. Like when we went to the winter garden and I accused Dave of making us look like vloggers.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:10Speaker 02

  Because we had the, you know, the stick mics and that kind of stuff.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  Me and Sam kept doing that to each other on the last holiday. We went on like, anytime that one of us was looking at something, the other one would like, like hold our phones and go, I've taken it. Like acting like each other were posing. Or like trying to get a video of each other walking down the street or something. I'd go, yeah, that's enough. That's enough.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  I took it. And I was, I was just like looking at a bridge, actually looking at the view, but if it looked like I was getting, it looked like I was posing for a picture. Another thing, by the way, we were on holiday for like a work trip. So we're making content. So we were also very worried about looking like vloggers or whatever, even though that is basically what we were doing. Ash would do this thing where, so we'd film something and as I'm checking to make sure the footage is okay, if we're in a bar or a restaurant or something, Ash will like pretend to other people like we're in a couple and start like looking around like.

• 44:59Speaker 00

  Scrolling on his phone.

• 45:00Speaker 02

  Boyfriend that's just on Instagram, not talking to his girlfriend. And like, she'll just look around like, oh.

• 45:06Speaker 00

  Just because he's got my phone, because that's got the footage on it. So I've got no else to do. So I'm off.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  Funny. Also. It's really mean. I have done stand up in a pub, beer garden in Derby, uh, and had it in a preview. And it just reminded me of how badly that went. So I had extremely visceral reactions to that video.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  The first ever stand up that I did was in a pub that was like, it was in like a really like, uh, kind of rural posh area. And the people in there were just playing bingo and the MC was just doing comedy like to them, but they weren't there for a comedy night or anything. That he, he just happened to be doing it in the same room. It was.

• 45:44Speaker 02

  And I'm also here.

• 45:45Speaker 00

  Terrible. Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  No, I mean, that, that's not me.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  I thought you were trying to get in. And don't forget Ash.

• 45:53Speaker 02

  Don't forget, we can talk about me too. No, I mean, that's the impression of the comedian in the bingo hall being like, and I was as if I would ever do that.

• 46:01Speaker 00

  Oh, don't forget me.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  So Dave, it's made up games.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:05Speaker 01

  We've set, uh, Ash and Sam a challenge to challenge us that Ash is gonna judge. Sam has set, explain, explain it all away.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  Sam is the king of jingles and we've actually had.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  The kingles.

• 46:19Speaker 02

  He's the kingle and we've had Sam's jingles on the podcast before, uh, when I think he did a rendition of your songs that you used to sing, Ellis. Yeah, I got, I got censored, I think. You did actually. We had to take some of it out. It was too rude. It was too rude. Uh, so we know that that, that you have that in your locker, Sam. So what we've done is we've come with a game that we think will work very well. Uh, but before we do that, Sam has also bought a made up games jingle for us. So take it away. Brand new made up games jingle from Skinwigs. Here we go.

• 46:51Speaker 05

  Let's have a nice time. Being real silly Billy keeps us all alive.

• 47:01Speaker 05

  And it's fine that we're 45. Why bring it up? It's not pertinent. Let's play a made up game. The rules will never be the same to a made up game. Kiss me in the moonlight. Call me in black rain. Tonight, I'm in love with my mom's friend.

• 47:37Speaker 05

  But I won't do anything about it. Cause they play bridge competitively every weekend. And it's one of my mom's most important friendships. Let's play a made up game. My mom and her friend have the exact same name. They're both called Fiona Jane. It makes it weird for me. So I just stick to people my own age.

• 48:17Speaker 02

  1993, that gets you a record deal.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  People are like, you're the new phone number. That's so much longer than I remember. Right when the last chorus had finished, I was like, and that should be the end of that. I'm aware. We've done a lot of stuff so far that's just listening to your own content. So apologies for that, but it's all good stuff and the game is amazing as well. So, uh, Sam's jingle and some of our previous made up games jingles are now in our cinematic universe as well.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Are they, Dave?

• 48:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're starting to build a little collection of those.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  On Spotify?

• 48:46Speaker 00

  And what might one of those be if Sam doesn't know?

• 48:49Speaker 02

  Uh, what's one of what? Sorry.

• 48:50Speaker 00

  A cinematic universe.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  It's because we're not allowed to say Patreon on the BBC.

• 48:53Speaker 00

  Oh, I see. Right. Yeah.

• 48:55Speaker 02

  So we've got to imply we're creating a sort of marble, marvel.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  No, a marble universe.

• 49:00Speaker 02

  Marble universe. Anyone that doesn't understand, what's a marble universe? Yeah, I'm, I'm working on that. Okay. I'm, I'm not sure.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  We're figuring it out.

• 49:08Speaker 02

  So there's some jingles that are being collated now in the cinematic universe.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  But where in the, what?

• 49:12Speaker 02

  Just a collection on Patreon.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's just a playlist that's coming together. Uh, scores on the doors for made up games before we get to today's made up game. John's victory in desert island, Dave, last week took the scores to 15. This gets a bit, we do tennis scoring for this for no apparent reasons. Just, I thought I'd give you a heads up there. Uh, it's 15 love to John in the third game of the third set. John, you're leading two games to one in this set and two sets to love overall, of course.

• 49:37Speaker 02

  You've now won nine out of the last 10 made up games.

• 49:40Speaker 01

  Oh dear.

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Now, who wins today's made up game will be down to yourself, Ash. So you're gonna judge the performances here because this week's game comes in from you two. We've called it young, single and ready to jingle.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:52Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 49:52Speaker 02

  Is that okay? I love it.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's sound.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  Uh, because of Sam's propensity for making catchy viral jingles, uh, we thought we could use your skills and talents to test Ellis and John. Earlier in the week, Sam sent over three different pieces of music and three different themes. It was Ellis and John's task to write catchy lyrics based on each theme. This is where they started to enter hell, FYI.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Cause Dave thinks this is somehow simple. You can do this in like half an hour.

• 50:20Speaker 02

  So.

• 50:20Speaker 00

  It is simple for you.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Well, it's simple if you're writing the melody and the lyrics and the theme yourself.

• 50:27Speaker 02

  I should have sent you a melody as well, because I had melodies in mind for all of the jingles. Did you? I've had to make up my own melodies.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. We've had to make up our own melodies.

• 50:35Speaker 02

  Great. So, uh, yeah, we'll give the theme, play the music and then you'll take it in turns to sing your own jingles. Oh, you're singing it live? Oh, yeah.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  Oh my God, that's so cool.

• 50:44Speaker 02

  Yes, we're singing them live.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  I'm so sorry. Good point, Dave. We should have actually pre-recorded them.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Absolutely not. No, this is, this is part of the fun. Uh, Ash, you will judge whose jingle is best for each of the three rounds. Okay. So there will be a winner at the end.

• 50:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 50:57Speaker 02

  Uh, and award the point accordingly. Ash's word is final, John.

• 51:01Speaker 01

  Why is it like, I'm.

• 51:03Speaker 00

  I'm sick of telling you.

• 51:04Speaker 02

  You question rules. Is this how you get all the points? Yeah, we're afraid of John.

• 51:10Speaker 01

  You're afraid of my dominant performance?

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Yes, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  Not me.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  No, no, no, not, no, Ash, here we go. Uh, so should we go for round one?

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 51:20Speaker 02

  Which one do we wanna go first with? Was there a preference? I've forgotten which preference we said in the end.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  There's one Ellis wants to avoid. So I think we start with that.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  Was that Haggis in Paris?

• 51:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:28Speaker 02

  Have you both done all three?

• 51:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:32Speaker 02

  Flip. And they are, and they're, they're lengthy in a good way, I think. So. I, whenever I think about my lyrics, I go hot.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've taken off my jumper because I'm, I'm going, I'm already sweating.

• 51:44Speaker 02

  So these themes, Sam, because you came up with these themes, Haggis in Paris, talk me about, you know, the, I suppose the motivation there, what you had in your head when you thought of Haggis. Zero. I thought, what sounds sort of difficult to try and make work as a song? I didn't think for a second about what that might be because I wanted to be surprised. Great. We'll all be surprised together. Are we ready for Haggis in Paris?

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  Do we wanna hear the music first? Or we just wanna go into?

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Maybe hear a quick burst of it.

• 52:14Speaker 02

  Let's hear a quick burst of the music that Sam's composed for Haggis in Paris.

• 52:20Speaker 02

  I tried to go kind of French. Yeah.

• 52:23Speaker 00

  I thought you were gonna like freeze out.

• 52:25Speaker 02

  You thought I was doing a beat poem?

• 52:28Speaker 02

  Okay. Lovely. So this is what Ellis and John had to work with. Who would like to go first?

• 52:33Speaker 01

  Uh, I'll go first. And then I'll burst into flames.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Haggis in Paris performs.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  I'm gonna let it, can I look, can we let it play? Cause part of the problem.

• 52:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  With a 20 second clip of music is that the first two bars, you kind of want, and then you wanna come in, but then you only have seven seconds left.

• 52:51Speaker 02

  Well, we've extended it. This is looped. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could sing forever.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, we could sing forever. So I'm gonna let it play through once to get the vibe.

• 52:59Speaker 02

  Sing it, sing it to death.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  Okay. So here is Haggis in Paris by John Robbins.

• 53:15Speaker 01

  Then you have to try to do it again.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  Mix up my heart with oats and lungs and awful seasoning spices too. Wiping our chins outside the Champs-Elysees. It's haggis in Paris with you.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  That's nice.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  Yes, I agree. It needs a little gravy. Bon appétit, mon cher.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  Look in my bag, you lucky, lucky lady. There's a thermos of bovril there.

• 54:07Speaker 00

  Haggis in Paris.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Haggis in Paris, Trey B. Anne. Loved that.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  How are you feeling, Al? You ready?

• 54:16Speaker 00

  I'm now so hot, I've gone cold again.

• 54:19Speaker 01

  Any thoughts and reflections? What did you like? What did you not like?

• 54:22Speaker 00

  I think it was beautiful. I think it was nice and soft. I like that you had the bovril. That's a gorgeous sort of ending to any song. And yeah, I absolutely loved it.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  Okay, I don't give too much away because of course we have got another performance. The exact same thing for this one.

• 54:43Speaker 00

  You better have some bovril.

• 54:45Speaker 02

  Haggis in Paris by Elis James. Here we go.

• 55:00Speaker 02

  Oh, he's sultry, isn't he?

• 55:01Speaker 01

  I thought that's how this song would start.

• 55:05Speaker 00

  Usually.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Come on, I live, I'm making love with you. And I'm looking for a haggis in Paris.

• 55:18Speaker 00

  We're in gay Paris. I'm like an emissary. I wanna find a haggis in Paris. Ooh, savoir we need to get in the car. Thank God for the Toyota Yaris. Hypermarche is gonna save the day. We can eat haggis in Paris. Just sweet desire is what the butchers all say. I'm embarrassed for the people of Paris. I can bite and I'll floss, but meat from it costs.

• 56:03Speaker 00

  I'm angry like I'm William Wallace.

• 56:09Speaker 02

  There we go.

• 56:10Speaker 00

  It costs Scotland and French.

• 56:12Speaker 01

  I thought that was my favourite line.

• 56:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, my favourite line is thank God for the Toyota Yaris. Because I thought I had to get a different rhyme. Yeah, yeah, that was very good.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  But it's pronounced Yari.

• 56:22Speaker 00

  Is it? Oh, no.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  Well, it is in Paris.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  Ash, it's gone hot again. That was, that was really, really good. I liked the soulfulness to it.

• 56:33Speaker 02

  That will be in all of them. Yeah, you tied a bit more French in.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  I liked savage.

• 56:39Speaker 00

  Obviously, I didn't understand that. That's the only thing.

• 56:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's.

• 56:43Speaker 00

  Just sweet desire is, I'm sorry. So the butchers don't have it. Oh, okay, okay.

• 56:47Speaker 02

  Just sweet desire is what the butchers all say.

• 56:49Speaker 00

  I see. I really, really enjoyed that. Thank you. When do I, am I?

• 56:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're off for the point at this stage, Ash. So where does the point go? To Ellis or John?

• 56:57Speaker 00

  To Ellis.

• 56:58Speaker 02

  1-0 to Ellis. Huge.

• 57:02Speaker 02

  Great. All right, round two. Asher sensed that Ellis needs this.

• 57:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do love an underdog. I had an argument with Izzy about this last night.

• 57:10Speaker 02

  Did you sing it to Izzy?

• 57:12Speaker 00

  No, no, sort of. I texted her. She did the six music round table to brought Taskmaster. And I said, I've got to write a song about haggis in Paris. Have you got any ideas? So she said, I'll think about it on the train back.

• 57:25Speaker 01

  Oh, so it's a co?

• 57:27Speaker 00

  No, it wasn't. And then I said, I said, it's just not good enough.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  Really?

• 57:32Speaker 00

  I'll do it then. Yeah, it's just not good enough.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  Okay, 1-0 to Ellis for Haggis in Paris. Round two will go for, well, what's the, what's the second theme, Sam? Orcs in love. Right, any, any motivations there? What does that mean?

• 57:49Speaker 02

  I guess we'll see. Yeah.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  We'll flip it though. Ellis, we'll start with you this time. He's warmed up. Let's have a little bit of music, just so you know what we're working with.

• 57:59Speaker 00

  I can't remember what it is.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. Great. All right then. So 1-0 to Ellis. As we move into round two, Orcs in Love.

• 58:15Speaker 00

  Elis James.

• 58:29Speaker 00

  Gave me flowers, but I didn't understand. Gave me chocolates, but I smashed them at your hand. Because I'm an orc and I don't get the language of love. I'm an orc. I'll eat your brains and your body I'll dispose of. Married life is about communication. Don't tell me you need to tell the whole Orc nation. When I find an orc, that means I can't eat humans. I'll be happy and that's the thing I dream of.

• 59:15Speaker 00

  Me and my orc wife going to Ikea. Let's get it taken away. What a good idea. What's in the box? Mmm, is it a pizza? Anyway, man, it's human guts smeared. You're the one for me. Give me a kiss. Orc and Orc action sounds like bliss. That's right. Peace.

• 59:39Speaker 00

  That one I wrote on the train.

• 59:41Speaker 02

  That little breakdown in the end there.

• 59:43Speaker 00

  But you can't sing this on the train. Did you write it on your laptop? I wrote it on my laptop. Was there anyone sat behind you? I don't know if you can see this. I actually sat like that. Because I didn't want anyone to see what I was doing.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  Well, that makes it more freaky.

• 59:58Speaker 00

  But I had my, I had my AirPods in. So I was. Oh, were you singing it as well?

• 1:00:06Speaker 00

  But as quiet as possible. Yeah, yeah. But it was, I felt extremely vulnerable. No.

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  For 20. Express yourself, man. Express yourself.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  Everyone's doing it.

• 1:00:17Speaker 02

  No one's doing it. Just before we go further, Ash, I just realized, do you know what an orc is?

• 1:00:23Speaker 00

  Is it a whale?

• 1:00:27Speaker 00

  Is it not?

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  It's like a creature from Lord of the Rings. I just realized that when you were judging this, I was like, you're not gonna understand what's happening.

• 1:00:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, it still worked in the context, in the context of a whale.

• 1:00:38Speaker 02

  They're very vicious. They're aggressive and they don't communicate well.

• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  Like, I guess Shrek is a type of orc. It was orc-ish.

• 1:00:45Speaker 00

  It's ogre.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  It's an ogre, right. But they're in that wheelhouse.

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  Orc or ogre, that sort of, yeah.

• 1:00:51Speaker 02

  Scary man. Do you want to offer some thoughts at this stage on Ellis's performance?

• 1:00:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, again, really, really enjoyed that. I liked the little bit of rap. I sort of, so at the end, when it ended up being two orcs going at it.

• 1:01:07Speaker 00

  Was it, did you turn into an orc or what was going on? I didn't turn into an orc, but I wanted to.

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  He certainly inhabited the orc space.

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  I wanted to change tone to show that he's, the orc has realized he doesn't have to all be with humans. And not everybody knows what an orc is. No, I had to Google it. Yeah. But I, because they're so aggressive, I thought, if anything, that helps me. Yes. Because there's the contrast.

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  Well, I do deal with some of these contradictions in my song.

• 1:01:36Speaker 02

  Well, that's, that's a perfect opportunity, I think, to move to attempt number two for round two. You ready, John?

• 1:01:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:44Speaker 02

  Okay, good luck. Orcs in Love, John Robbins.

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  Googling orcs is hard.

• 1:02:00Speaker 01

  Finding famous orcs held in high regard. If you're trying to imagine orcs and passion.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  Blod and ugluck could be your ration.

• 1:02:18Speaker 01

  Azog the Defiler is in the Mile High Club. Sharing a snog with Gromash Hellscream. Oh, Gromash Hellscream, won't you be on my team? We can show our whammers to Oggrim Doomhammer. Orcs in love.

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  Orcs from up above.

• 1:02:47Speaker 01

  Orcs in tow. Orcs fooling round down below. Orcs in love. Orcs from up above. Just repeating.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  Right, got it.

• 1:02:58Speaker 01

  Orcs in tow, fooling round down below.

• 1:03:03Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 1:03:06Speaker 02

  So glad to hear the song with Oggrim in it.

• 1:03:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, the mixture of orcs there from the worlds of Lord of the Rings, Warhammer, and the other one that people play on trains with cards.

• 1:03:16Speaker 00

  I like that a lot. I liked when you were saying the names of the orcs that you was like looking at Sam. It reminded me of like when my kids are like trying to pull off a like a parkour move and they keep hiking. Contacted me the whole time.

• 1:03:28Speaker 02

  Looking to be like, is this what you wanted? Because are you a big Oak fan, Sam?

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  No one's a fan of Oak. Wash the room, come on, finally.

• 1:03:38Speaker 02

  I'll explain this. So I was playing this music to Tom Lawrenson and I was like, what do you think the theme could be? And he went, Oak's in love? And I was like, yep. Right, okay. So did you understand a lot of that or not? Because I was quite specialist. Yeah, yeah. I know that they were Oak names. Yeah. But I wasn't just like, yes, Ogrym.

• 1:03:56Speaker 02

  All right. Well, Ash, we need a result for round two here. Where's your point going?

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  I don't know, because I found John's really informative.

• 1:04:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was informative. We learnt a lot.

• 1:04:08Speaker 00

  I mean, I wouldn't have still known what it was.

• 1:04:10Speaker 02

  But you didn't know they weren't whales.

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  But I didn't know they weren't whales for sure.

• 1:04:13Speaker 02

  That's important.

• 1:04:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:16Speaker 02

  It's good to go to round three with it being tense as well. Sometimes.

• 1:04:20Speaker 00

  Okay, go on. Here we go. Okay, I'll give it to John.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what I thought. No, no, I joke. Do you think it was John? Because we should be honest. Do you think John was the better one?

• 1:04:28Speaker 00

  This podcast thrives on honesty.

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:32Speaker 00

  Never heard of it. Yeah, John, please.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  John, okay, fine. It's one all as we move to round three. What's the, what's the third theme, Sam? It's the picture of Dorian Gray, but it only works on his bum. Yeah. Right? Yeah, talk us through, talk us through that.

• 1:04:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, talk us through that.

• 1:04:53Speaker 02

  I just thought it would be a more interesting story in the way that like, if you read that, you'd be like, why did they write a book about this? Yeah, okay. That's where I'm at.

• 1:05:02Speaker 00

  This is my shortest one.

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, it's my shortest one as well.

• 1:05:06Speaker 02

  Well, we'll start with John.

• 1:05:08Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:05:09Speaker 02

  Shall we hear the music first?

• 1:05:10Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:05:10Speaker 02

  Okay, here we go. Here's what you're working with.

• 1:05:19Speaker 02

  Wow. That is inappropriate.

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  Now, there was a quite a heavy suggestion from Dave that we should go down the rap route.

• 1:05:27Speaker 02

  Well, no.

• 1:05:28Speaker 01

  That's, unfortunately, that's one of my red lines.

• 1:05:32Speaker 02

  He didn't have many.

• 1:05:33Speaker 01

  In broadcast, in social situations, karaoke and lovemaking, I will not rap. So I've gone more like David Bowie's Blackstar.

• 1:05:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:05:47Speaker 01

  Sort of vibe. That's what, that's what I got from the music.

• 1:05:50Speaker 00

  Interesting. All right, okay.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  So it's the picture of Dorian Gray, but it only affects my bum. Great, well, it's all on the line for round three. The picture of Dorian Gray, but it only affects my bum by John Robbins.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  Cheeks sagging.

• 1:06:13Speaker 01

  Butterc bagging.

• 1:06:18Speaker 01

  Skin wrinkling.

• 1:06:23Speaker 01

  Bottom crinkling. I've got Dorian Gray of the ass.

• 1:06:33Speaker 01

  Dorian Gray of the ass. But I haven't read it since my GCSE class.

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  How will this end?

• 1:06:52Speaker 01

  Premature death for my oldest friend. Where is the picture?

• 1:07:01Speaker 01

  Of how my ass used to be. Whenever I bend over, the villagers flee.

• 1:07:18Speaker 02

  I can't believe how faithful that was to Blackstar. It was actually. That's really good. That's your range there, John. I know you said earlier, just off air, you couldn't sing, but that's good. That was good.

• 1:07:30Speaker 01

  Well, thank you, David. That's very kind of you to say. I think I rise to the occasion when there's a certain amount of theatricality in the music and the performance. And an awful lot of my work with Brian Eno and the other one could probably tell. I remember Lou Reed saying to me in nineteen, twenty seventy-two, he said, David, you're more of a director than a musician. And I thought that was a very salient point made by Lou. I'd like to hear Ellis's song now, please.

• 1:07:59Speaker 02

  Well, any quick thoughts, Ash?

• 1:08:00Speaker 00

  That was, that was absolutely brilliant. I did just want to say that last line where he said, what was the last line?

• 1:08:06Speaker 01

  When I bend over, the villagers flee.

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  How do they, are you always bare bummed?

• 1:08:13Speaker 01

  Well, because my ass is aging.

• 1:08:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  My trousers often slip down because the trousers aren't aging, which is another downside.

• 1:08:23Speaker 00

  Pull them up. What about the pants? Any, any boxes coming in?

• 1:08:26Speaker 01

  You can't wear pants when your bum is aging at this. I mean, I can show you some pants, actually.

• 1:08:31Speaker 00

  No, it's absolutely fine. Yeah.

• 1:08:32Speaker 01

  Ellis has got the sort of pants on him that I would be wearing.

• 1:08:36Speaker 00

  We're not, we're not showing them again. No.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  Wouldn't, just a quick question. Yeah, yeah, of course. If you had Dorian Gray disease of the bum, wouldn't that mean that the rest of you was old, but your bum was young?

• 1:08:51Speaker 01

  What if?

• 1:08:52Speaker 02

  You've got Dorian Gray disease, but it hasn't affected his bum.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  But what if I've got reverse Dorian Gray disease of the bum?

• 1:09:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's all.

• 1:09:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, that's what, that's what I got from that.

• 1:09:05Speaker 02

  Well, Ellis is deep in thought.

• 1:09:06Speaker 01

  I do cover in the song that I haven't read Dorian Gray since GCSEs.

• 1:09:11Speaker 00

  Ellis, Ellis, you all right there, Al?

• 1:09:12Speaker 01

  Ellis has gone very quiet.

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  He's on Instagram.

• 1:09:15Speaker 02

  Deleted random files from his computer.

• 1:09:19Speaker 00

  I've basically, I.

• 1:09:21Speaker 02

  He's made a huge mistake.

• 1:09:22Speaker 00

  I know, but I've, I've made a mistake, changed the mistake. I thought I made a mistake, changed it, and I'll now change it back to the original.

• 1:09:29Speaker 02

  Is that based on what I pointed out?

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  You just said.

• 1:09:31Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:09:32Speaker 00

  Because I read Dorian Gray twenty-five years ago and I've misunderstood it, I think. But now I've fixed it to the original of how it was. This is massive.

• 1:09:44Speaker 01

  Because it's the same.

• 1:09:46Speaker 00

  No, it's the opposite of what you did. And then as you were doing it, I thought, oh, I've misunderstood Dorian Gray.

• 1:09:51Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  And I was changing it as you were singing.

• 1:09:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, no need to.

• 1:09:54Speaker 00

  To be the opposite. Now I'm changing it back, but I'm hoping I've got the words right because this obviously gave a lot of thought and if I've.

• 1:10:01Speaker 02

  There's a lot riding on this. Ellis.

• 1:10:04Speaker 00

  I am, I will be rapping.

• 1:10:07Speaker 02

  Oh, wow. Okay, here we go. Dorian Gray, but it only affects my bum by Elis James.

• 1:10:21Speaker 02

  He nearly went.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  He missed it.

• 1:10:22Speaker 02

  He nearly went.

• 1:10:23Speaker 01

  He's got a retort.

• 1:10:26Speaker 02

  It's like eight mile.

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  Sorry. Oh, thank you, Dave. I've now missed it again. So here we go.

• 1:10:33Speaker 02

  Here we go.

• 1:10:35Speaker 00

  Here we go, here we go. Next to the loo is a picture of my bum and I leave it there because I want to stay young. It's like Dorian Gray, but in the bog, my mega young bum is smooth like a tree fog.

• 1:10:49Speaker 00

  Here we go. I'm like Dorian Gray, but just for bums like what all you love you lady does for mums. You never guess from looking at my face, but I've got the youngest looking bum in the human race. Break it down. Break it down.

• 1:11:05Speaker 02

  Is that it? Or we break it down?

• 1:11:06Speaker 00

  That's it.

• 1:11:11Speaker 01

  I liked that in the middle verse, you went slightly northern.

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  Because I don't know what my rap voice is. Because you start off.

• 1:11:20Speaker 01

  It's Bolton.

• 1:11:21Speaker 00

  It's so.

• 1:11:23Speaker 00

  Obviously, like all young rappers, initially you start pretending to be from, you know, New York or LA. Yeah. I thought, I can't get away with that. I went a bit Welsh. I thought that sounds, just sounds bad. And then I think presumably because of the northern influence in the room, I went Bolton. But then I became a Lancastrian rapper, which I don't think anyone expected, like Fred Dibner.

• 1:11:47Speaker 00

  You took us all around the country. Yeah, thank you. That was such a journey.

• 1:11:51Speaker 02

  Okay, Ash, well, it's over to you. This is, this is for the win.

• 1:11:55Speaker 00

  I really enjoyed that and I liked that you dared to try and rap. So I'm going to give that one to Ellis.

• 1:12:05Speaker 02

  Ellis.

• 1:12:07Speaker 00

  So it's two.

• 1:12:08Speaker 02

  For courage, not for quality. Courage you want.

• 1:12:11Speaker 00

  Taking part.

• 1:12:13Speaker 02

  Pride of Britain.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  Also, I did, I did misremember the, the plot of Dorian Gray.

• 1:12:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, you gave it your own take.

• 1:12:21Speaker 01

  Really old bum.

• 1:12:22Speaker 02

  Did you think that Dorian Gray was a man aging normally with a picture of him young that doesn't change? That's just everyone.

• 1:12:30Speaker 01

  A more relatable experience, isn't it?

• 1:12:32Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 1:12:33Speaker 01

  No, I thought it, for some reason, I thought Dorian Gray of the ass would be someone's ass aging very quickly. So you've got a young person with an old person's bum.

• 1:12:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, I'm. But I didn't know when it was all. But when you first told me, that's what I was imagining, that the age was arsing. Yeah. I was all over. I was all over the shop because when I, when I wrote my rap, initially his bum was staying extremely young. You're joking. Old face.

• 1:13:04Speaker 00

  Switched mid, mid John rendition. And then switched back. So, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm worn out. Oh, well, you've won. Absolutely shattered. Yeah, I feel like the vibes have gone low. You've, like, I feel like we're all doubting ourselves now. I should have done.

• 1:13:21Speaker 02

  I should have done Benjamin Button of the bum.

• 1:13:24Speaker 05

  Which I also wouldn't know what is.

• 1:13:26Speaker 02

  You've not seen Benjamin Button? You've not seen Benjamin Button? No, it's a good one. That's a good one. Is it the same? The same aging process in the two? No, it's just in reverse. So it'd be a baby born with a big old man's arse. Getting smaller and smaller as he ages.

• 1:13:40Speaker 00

  As the man gets bigger.

• 1:13:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:13:42Speaker 00

  So then by the, by old age, you'd have a little baby's bum on an old man's body.

• 1:13:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, well.

• 1:13:47Speaker 05

  Something to think about, isn't it?

• 1:13:48Speaker 02

  It's not a crime, is it, to think about it? Not a crime to think about it. Some big thank yous to Sam for writing some great melodies and compositions.

• 1:13:59Speaker 00

  How long did that take you?

• 1:14:01Speaker 02

  It was mostly like garage band loops and like, I just try and find things that I think sound nice together. So I'm, I'm not doing anything clever.

• 1:14:09Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 1:14:11Speaker 02

  And then thank you to Ellis and John for putting time in. Cause they were genuinely really good. They were really good. That was very funny. And Ash, great judging as well.

• 1:14:19Speaker 05

  And I'm here.

• 1:14:22Speaker 01

  Well, folks, it's huge thanks to Skinwigs, to Sam and Ash for coming in. Do check out their podcast. It is hilarious and it's available everywhere.

• 1:14:33Speaker 00

  Available everywhere, but it's all, you get early release and bonus on Patreon. Is that right?

• 1:14:37Speaker 02

  That's right. We're doing a thing soon where when you sign up, we're kind of, we don't know which month yet, but we're going to give like a month of Patreon proceeds to like a couple of charities.

• 1:14:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:47Speaker 02

  And like just, cause.

• 1:14:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, the world is feeling really like doom and gloomy at the minute. We want to feel some money through some like grassroots communities.

• 1:14:58Speaker 02

  And you were, we were told you were gonna do the same or?

• 1:15:02Speaker 01

  I will, I had heard that.

• 1:15:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:06Speaker 01

  And I've got to really.

• 1:15:09Speaker 02

  If we can just get you to confirm.

• 1:15:10Speaker 01

  I've, I've got to meet with some local charities.

• 1:15:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:14Speaker 01

  Cause I really want, I want to.

• 1:15:19Speaker 00

  John loves to do diligence on charities, even ones he's not sort of, he doesn't believe in. He just loves to go in and hammer charities.

• 1:15:26Speaker 01

  When I'm meeting with local charities, I care so much about good causes that if any of them I find to be in breach of charity regulations, I will be reporting them to the charities commission.

• 1:15:36Speaker 02

  And you've been, the reason the delay on your yes is presumably because you keep finding problems with the charities.

• 1:15:42Speaker 01

  Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.

• 1:15:44Speaker 02

  If only there was a charity that would sort all the bloody charities out.

• 1:15:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I'd give money to that.

• 1:15:52Speaker 01

  So, God.

• 1:15:53Speaker 05

  Thank you so much for having us.

• 1:15:54Speaker 00

  All to play for, isn't it, I suppose?

• 1:15:56Speaker 01

  All to play for. And a percentage of Ellis's fee from this show is going to charity.

• 1:16:00Speaker 05

  Oh, that's so lovely.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  That is true. That is true.

• 1:16:04Speaker 05

  Well, we'll just take it. We'll sort that out for you.

• 1:16:08Speaker 02

  Sam charity, yeah. Well, thank you for coming on.

• 1:16:10Speaker 05

  Thank you so much for having us. Thank you.

• 1:16:12Speaker 01

  Thank you.

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• 1:17:25Speaker 01

  Well, there we go. It's depleted reserves here in the studio. Sam and Ash have left.

• 1:17:31Speaker 00

  I feel like I've been rolled down a hill.

• 1:17:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I feel I've been rolled up a hill and had to run up the hill because I left my wallet up there and then I've fallen down the hill.

• 1:17:39Speaker 00

  How does Bruce Springsteen do it for three hours? It's not that.

• 1:17:42Speaker 01

  Performing.

• 1:17:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, cause you lot are knackered after three little songs.

• 1:17:45Speaker 00

  No, it's, it's been out of your comfort zone.

• 1:17:49Speaker 02

  And Bruce might be scared as well.

• 1:17:51Speaker 00

  He enjoys singing.

• 1:17:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:53Speaker 00

  I just can't cope with singing to the nation.

• 1:17:57Speaker 02

  You're both very good sports and it was good. That was good stuff.

• 1:18:02Speaker 00

  Oh my God.

• 1:18:03Speaker 02

  We won't do it again anytime soon.

• 1:18:04Speaker 01

  Not again.

• 1:18:05Speaker 00

  No, no more guessing.

• 1:18:08Speaker 01

  No, we can't guessing.

• 1:18:10Speaker 00

  Well, no, cause I.

• 1:18:11Speaker 01

  I guess forever.

• 1:18:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. You're good at guessing, aren't you? I can't remember what my guess was, but it was so hugely out.

• 1:18:17Speaker 02

  Which guess?

• 1:18:18Speaker 00

  It was about banks or something about six months ago and I just will walk.

• 1:18:23Speaker 02

  You had a big, you had a big one on rabbits.

• 1:18:27Speaker 00

  The value of Walmart.

• 1:18:29Speaker 02

  And rabbits in Wales.

• 1:18:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can't guess how many rabbits there are.

• 1:18:33Speaker 01

  Pheasants in the UK.

• 1:18:34Speaker 00

  So that's my line.

• 1:18:36Speaker 01

  You thought there were 40,000 pheasants in the UK, Dave?

• 1:18:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, how many do you see?

• 1:18:41Speaker 02

  No, it was rabbit, wasn't it rabbits?

• 1:18:43Speaker 00

  It was a million rabbits.

• 1:18:44Speaker 01

  That was the.

• 1:18:45Speaker 02

  Was it both?

• 1:18:46Speaker 00

  And there was 30 million rabbits.

• 1:18:48Speaker 01

  Anyway, anyway.

• 1:18:48Speaker 00

  Either way, I've got red lines now, Dave, and I, I'm willing to set boundaries.

• 1:18:53Speaker 02

  Okay. So your red lines are no guessing and no what performing singing would.

• 1:18:58Speaker 00

  No, certainly no earnest singing. Can you imagine if I had to write like a genuine love song?

• 1:19:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, but Haggis in Paris isn't earnest, is it?

• 1:19:04Speaker 01

  I liked Haggis in Paris the most.

• 1:19:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:07Speaker 00

  Orcs was my favourite.

• 1:19:09Speaker 01

  My red line is no rapping and no polenta.

• 1:19:14Speaker 02

  Yes, of course.

• 1:19:15Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, unless it's in a really nice cake.

• 1:19:17Speaker 02

  Okay. So there's caveats to the red lines.

• 1:19:20Speaker 01

  Oh, always.

• 1:19:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Otherwise, you know, progress is impossible. But yeah, an absolute treat to have Sam and Ash in. Do check out their podcast, Skinwigs, and their socials.

• 1:19:31Speaker 02

  They're big on the socials.

• 1:19:32Speaker 01

  They're big on socials.

• 1:19:33Speaker 02

  They do incredibly well on the, on the old socials.

• 1:19:35Speaker 01

  Dave, do you get a million pounds for being on TikTok?

• 1:19:39Speaker 02

  Do I?

• 1:19:40Speaker 01

  Does one?

• 1:19:40Speaker 02

  Does one. There is monetization to be made on TikTok. Don't know how it really works because people just seem to suddenly have a really big post and then the next one they have seven views. I feel like no one's really quite got to grips with the, with the old algorithms. In fact, that's a lie. Plenty of people have. We've not got to grips with the old algorithms.

• 1:19:59Speaker 01

  It's probably too late for us now on TikTok, isn't it?

• 1:20:01Speaker 02

  We've got to be quiet. It's a lot of piece to camera stuff, isn't it? It's quite wacky. You willing to be wacky?

• 1:20:05Speaker 00

  You're gonna prank Ellis. Red line I've got, I'm unwilling to be wacky.

• 1:20:10Speaker 01

  So obviously all social media platforms go eventually, like MySpace.

• 1:20:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:17Speaker 01

  Bebo Twitter.

• 1:20:18Speaker 00

  Friends reunited.

• 1:20:19Speaker 01

  Friends reunited. Facebook is sort of on the wane.

• 1:20:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:23Speaker 01

  Unless you're complaining about your local area.

• 1:20:25Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or contributing to the content of this very podcast, of course.

• 1:20:28Speaker 01

  God, and we welcome them. But shall we, should we make a pledge that the next?

• 1:20:35Speaker 00

  We'll definitely get on the next one.

• 1:20:36Speaker 01

  The next young person's app we go big on.

• 1:20:39Speaker 00

  Be Real. Do you remember that one?

• 1:20:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:41Speaker 02

  Yeah. Do you want to? I will happily make this pledge.

• 1:20:45Speaker 01

  Make the pledge now.

• 1:20:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:47Speaker 01

  And then you never know, it might be like a, a sex bot.

• 1:20:52Speaker 00

  I just never know which ones are going to be big because it was, there's threads, which I'm sort of on because I've got Instagram. And then there's Blue Sky, which I've never been on.

• 1:21:00Speaker 01

  Where everyone says they like cups of tea.

• 1:21:02Speaker 02

  Cause you, you've got to kind of predict the future because.

• 1:21:05Speaker 01

  Well, no, we say the future can predict itself.

• 1:21:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:21:08Speaker 01

  And then when it happens, we'll, we will sign up immediately to the next social media app.

• 1:21:15Speaker 00

  Cause Twitter had been around for about five years before I was on it.

• 1:21:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:19Speaker 00

  Cause I just couldn't be bothered.

• 1:21:20Speaker 02

  But we just might back a dud and then it doesn't go anywhere and then.

• 1:21:23Speaker 00

  That's, that's our motto. We continue to back duds.

• 1:21:28Speaker 01

  They brought back vines.

• 1:21:29Speaker 00

  Have they? I liked Vine.

• 1:21:31Speaker 02

  We were big on Vine.

• 1:21:33Speaker 00

  We were big on Vine. Limmy was big on Vine. Yeah.

• 1:21:36Speaker 01

  I mean, we were, we weren't big on it. We put six vines up when we were on Radio X.

• 1:21:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:21:41Speaker 00

  No, we put low, we did a vine a week.

• 1:21:44Speaker 01

  For six weeks.

• 1:21:45Speaker 00

  No, for weeks, weeks of us dancing to songs. Yeah.

• 1:21:48Speaker 02

  We did it. We actually did it more than you think.

• 1:21:49Speaker 01

  Vine.

• 1:21:50Speaker 00

  Well, Vine died. Twitch, do we back? Should we back Twitch?

• 1:21:55Speaker 01

  No, that's already exists. I'm talking about one that doesn't exist yet.

• 1:21:58Speaker 00

  Okay. So the next big one, we're gonna go big on.

• 1:22:00Speaker 01

  Big on it. Yeah.

• 1:22:01Speaker 00

  All right then.

• 1:22:01Speaker 02

  Okay. That's, that's a deal.

• 1:22:03Speaker 00

  Yeah. Contact Silicon Valley, Dave.

• 1:22:05Speaker 02

  Yeah. Okay.

• 1:22:06Speaker 00

  See what the next big one is. Snapchat?

• 1:22:09Speaker 01

  No, they're old. They're old. They're gone. Oh no, Snapchat's still around.

• 1:22:13Speaker 02

  Snapchat's huge.

• 1:22:14Speaker 01

  But it's problematic.

• 1:22:16Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 1:22:17Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 1:22:17Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:22:18Speaker 00

  Let's, let's go big on WhatsApp.

• 1:22:21Speaker 01

  No, we tried that and it didn't work. Do you remember? We had to stop using the number.

• 1:22:24Speaker 00

  All right then. iMessage.

• 1:22:27Speaker 01

  Okay, folks. Well, we'll continue the, um, uh, the Blue Sky thinking.

• 1:22:33Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 1:22:34Speaker 01

  After the show ends.

• 1:22:35Speaker 02

  Oh, can I, can I just wish my parents well at something they're about to do, which is very exciting?

• 1:22:39Speaker 01

  Of course you can.

• 1:22:40Speaker 02

  So they're doing a race across Europe.

• 1:22:42Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:22:42Speaker 02

  So they're setting off in Amsterdam and they've got to get to Prague across four days.

• 1:22:46Speaker 00

  They've got to smoke a spliff in every country.

• 1:22:48Speaker 02

  They've not got to smoke any spliffs, but it's like a mini version of the TV programme.

• 1:22:52Speaker 00

  That's brilliant.

• 1:22:53Speaker 02

  And it's so cool because, you know, they're just, they, they love adventure and it's very sweet.

• 1:22:57Speaker 00

  Class, class.

• 1:22:58Speaker 02

  And they're a bit nervous and they're very, Prevent Breast Cancer is the, is the charity that they're doing it with and for. But they're setting off, I think at the end of this week. So I did say I'll give them a little mention just because they're a bit nervous, but also very excited about how it's going to go. Cause they've, they're racing other teams.

• 1:23:11Speaker 01

  And for all the drugs they sell on route, prevent breast cancer, get what? 50%?

• 1:23:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, they get the drugs and the 50% of the profits.

• 1:23:18Speaker 01

  Oh, that's incredible. What are they driving in?

• 1:23:20Speaker 02

  Well, you're not allowed to, oh no, you are allowed to, well, you've got to take public transport.

• 1:23:25Speaker 00

  Oh, it's a public transport race across.

• 1:23:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. So they've got to start in Amsterdam. They've got a budget that they've got to stick to. There's a lot of.

• 1:23:31Speaker 00

  Oh, that's great.

• 1:23:32Speaker 02

  There's a lot of faith in doing it properly because obviously they've not got adjudicators and big camera crews and stuff. But they've got to get to be the first, well.

• 1:23:39Speaker 01

  And are they filming themselves?

• 1:23:40Speaker 02

  I think I've, yeah, I've been training dad up how to do little stories on Instagram this week.

• 1:23:44Speaker 01

  Gonna put it on social media?

• 1:23:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's gonna do stories.

• 1:23:46Speaker 01

  Where can we follow them?

• 1:23:48Speaker 02

  Andy at Darlow, because he's a big Darlow fan.

• 1:23:50Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:23:51Speaker 02

  So it's Andy at Darlow on Instagram and he's going to kind of keep everyone updated on how the journey's going. Um, and they're bang up for it.

• 1:23:58Speaker 00

  Really does show how few fans Darlington have in that that was available.

• 1:24:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. A N D Y A T D A R.

• 1:24:05Speaker 00

  Andy at Real Madrid has gone.

• 1:24:07Speaker 02

  He's gone. It's gone. Um, so yeah, I thought I'd just wish them luck because it's an amazing thing they're doing.

• 1:24:12Speaker 01

  Apparently, because I was looking into the tactics for Race Across the World.

• 1:24:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, this might be good for Andy and Val, so.

• 1:24:18Speaker 01

  It's best to, don't try and get ahead early. Other people, are they in competition with other people?

• 1:24:24Speaker 02

  Yeah. And there's checkpoints in each country as they go through.

• 1:24:26Speaker 01

  So stay in the middle of the pack.

• 1:24:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:24:30Speaker 01

  Like, don't blow your budget, be very strict with your budget, even if it means other people are going ahead.

• 1:24:34Speaker 02

  Very true. Cause you can then splurge at the end.

• 1:24:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's very much tortoise and hare kind of vibe, apparently. I was imagining what it'd be like if I did Race Across the World.

• 1:24:44Speaker 02

  I think you'd be very good at it because of that exact reason.

• 1:24:47Speaker 01

  I find travel very stressful.

• 1:24:48Speaker 02

  Oh no, you'd be stressed for the whole thing, but you've got good strategy.

• 1:24:52Speaker 00

  It would make for great telly if you just weren't bothered. You've got to be stressed.

• 1:24:56Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. You need to be stressed.

• 1:24:57Speaker 01

  I'd be highly stressed, highly organised.

• 1:24:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:25:00Speaker 01

  But I don't, I think what would let me down is being afraid to ask people for help because I'd be too shy.

• 1:25:06Speaker 02

  You need to do that.

• 1:25:07Speaker 01

  You need to be like, mate, can I go in your digger for a bit? But you have to say it in Lithuanian.

• 1:25:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:25:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:25:14Speaker 02

  Well, there are celebrity ones. I'd love to see the Ellis and John race across the world at some point. Could be a lot of fun.

• 1:25:20Speaker 00

  The world.

• 1:25:20Speaker 02

  Well, that's, that's.

• 1:25:21Speaker 01

  That's what you have to do. Yeah.

• 1:25:23Speaker 00

  Could I sort of race across Greenwich?

• 1:25:29Speaker 01

  Right, thanks very much. Goodbye.

• 1:25:40Speaker 03

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• 1:26:13Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:26:19Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:26:23Speaker 01

  Plus you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.