#574 - It’s Groinal, Club 44-60 and Crying At A Dog Called Bonehead

Big week for Elis because he’s cried all the liquid out of his body in the cinema. Why? Well it’s obviously because a South American woman named her dog Bonehead. And he’s in a spoilery mood after his big premiere trip. Well as spoilery as you can be about a film about a greatest hits tour show anyway. To bring him back down to earth Elis does have his dirty / clean laundry aired on the biggest comedy show on TV. Dave thinks we’ve got a big exclusive from it which is really stretching the threadbare definition of the term. We also receive quite an authoritarian email and hear of the hellscape of being a club rep in the noughties. Have you got any sartorial superstitions? If so, record us a voice note and send it over to [email protected] mailto:[email protected] for our Rapid Response Unit. For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. And watch our latest Adventure episode, The Pottery Challenge, here https://www.patreon.com/elisandjohn/posts/adventure-6-mega-168171679/! For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Miniumpicks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Birdwatching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 03

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 02

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 03

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 04

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• 1:32Speaker 00

  Hello, listeners. Thank you very much for downloading this Friday episode of Ellis James and John Robbins. I was going to say live, but of course, we're not live.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  Not live.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  But the reason I've been confused momentarily is that John and I are wearing our band t-shirts. It's a Come and Get Me playlist, Six Music. We're saying we're ready for a move to the Premier League. We've been in the Bundesliga too long and we're ready, even if it's to, I don't know, Everton. I'd go to Everton.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Everton have got a good reputation as a decent club.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Absolutely. Just, just honestly, the big wigs, listen to us. We're ready. John, would you say we're ready?

• 2:10Speaker 01

  So what are we talking, are we, what, are we footballers?

• 2:13Speaker 00

  No, no, no. It's an analogy because it's a Come and Get Me playlist.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  So what club are we at in the Bundesliga?

• 2:18Speaker 00

  We're currently at Borussia Dortmund and we're doing really, really well, but we want to move to the Premier League.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  Because we want to be in the England team.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  We want to be in the England team.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  Which is, I suppose England is the, well, that's a bigger organisation. Is England the BBC?

• 2:33Speaker 03

  Radio 2. Oh, okay. Radio 2.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  Yes, it's a stepping stone. We're already seeing Six Music as a stepping stone and we're not there yet.

• 2:39Speaker 03

  No. Do you want to explain?

• 2:41Speaker 00

  We're wearing, I said at the top, we're wearing our band t-shirts because it's Band T-shirt Day on Six Music.

• 2:46Speaker 03

  That's the crucial bit that I don't think you did say.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  I'm wearing a Can t-shirt. John is wearing, I've now been told, a Frank Zappa t-shirt, not that you'd be able to tell because it doesn't have his name on it.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Well, I actually forgot to bring in my band t-shirts, but I just happen to be wearing one anyway because I'm always wearing a band t-shirt.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Class, class.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  This is, this is going out today on Friday, the 11th. It isn't Band T-shirt Day Today on Six, of course.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 3:07Speaker 03

  No.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  Oh, so why am I wearing a Can t-shirt?

• 3:10Speaker 03

  Because they like to get a head, this is the only time I had with you to

• 3:13Speaker 01

  Do kids get a day off school for band t-shirt day?

• 3:15Speaker 00

  I had to say this, I had to say this to Betty. Like, Betty went, what is band t-shirt day? I said, if you're in a workplace that allows it, you wear a band t-shirt and then you put it on social media and Six Music might like it.

• 3:26Speaker 03

  No.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  That's what it is, isn't it?

• 3:29Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, kind of. Yeah. But we're not just crossing our fingers and hoping that Six Music share a video, share what you're posting.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Well, that's what we've done in the past.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know. And it looked bad. But in, in the future, on the 17th of September, which is of course Band T-shirt Day, which is next Thursday.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Yeah.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  We will send off the little videos that you've just done, the, the requests that you've asked.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  Well, I talked about the mainstream media.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  You talked about the mainstream media.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  John had to be a contrarian and he had to talk, he had to offer his opinions on the mainstream media. When really what they wanted him to say was, I like Frank Zappa. Could you play this?

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Well, annoyingly, I wouldn't have picked Frank Zappa if I had remembered because they won't play any of his music because they're narrow minded.

• 4:10Speaker 03

  They're not narrow, Six Music are not narrow minded.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Would you have gone Keith Cameron Winter?

• 4:14Speaker 01

  Oh, could have done that, couldn't I?

• 4:16Speaker 03

  That would have helped. That would have helped. The biggest, the biggest Six Music band of the last 12 months.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  But instead you're wearing a Frank Zappa t-shirt that does look like pyjamas and it's very, very faded.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  It's just, it's

• 4:28Speaker 00

  I mean, even if

• 4:29Speaker 01

  No, it was always faded.

• 4:30Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  It's faded effect and it's just his moustache and

• 4:34Speaker 03

  Oh, I thought that was his head.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  No, it's his moustache and goatee.

• 4:36Speaker 00

  It looks like a Lego head, it looks like a Lego head, Beatleman. It's a sort of yellow submarine.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  It's his distinctive moustache and goatee combo called The Zappa.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  Which there's a lot of merch based around his moustache. They'll probably play Peaches and Regalia, even though I requested five. Off the top of the old bonce.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  Yeah. If you'd requested five, I'd have had a better chance of getting on.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  So no, thank you for doing it. And it's, it's always an exciting day on Six Music. Our friends over at Six.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Our friends over at Six.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Well, it's nice to try and introduce Can to the conversation, one of my favourite bands ever.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Dave, usually friendship is a sort of two-way thing.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  In fairness, in fairness.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  It's our friend who we send a photo to once a year and never hear from.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  Yeah. The messages are always blue ticked, but you're never getting a reply.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  In fairness though, because of Matt, producer Matt used to work on this show.

• 5:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  And Helen, I got to discuss now and then the new Beatles song on Six Music. I was one of the first.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Okay. So Ellis is friends with Six Music.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  I'm friends with them on Craig Charles.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  Izzy was on the round table last night.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Oh, everyone's friends with Six Music, apart from me because I call them the mainstream media and flip the bird in the promotional photo as a joke.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Flipping the bird was, I wouldn't say it's problematic, but it is a problem. I suppose they could pixel your bird.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  That's a very good way of describing me. He's not problematic, but he is a problem.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I've absolutely nailed you there. That could be the John Robbins biography. I wouldn't say it's your autobiography title.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  No. His CV is squeaky clean, but you wouldn't want to employ him.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Oh, you won't pin anything on him?

• 6:20Speaker 01

  Oh, God, no.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Absolutely not. But he is a problem. He brings problems.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. And solves the odd problem, I'd like to think.

• 6:31Speaker 03

  Oh goodness, yes.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, you are. I was thinking about that earlier, actually. I would come to you with problems and you would blumming well come out the other side of the street.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  People do, people do.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  I actually said that to Izzy last night.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Often tax based.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  We were discussing a problem and I said, John would be good on this. And she said, I can't call him now. And I was like, yeah. But she said he would be.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  What was the problem?

• 6:52Speaker 00

  I'll tell you later.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  But yeah, personal.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Ah, right.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  Basically, she's fallen out of love with me and I said, you and her, you want to talk to John because he, me and him ebb and flow.

• 7:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Oh, God, yeah.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  God, yeah. Like the seasons, Dave.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  But I went to watch the Oasis documentary, Don't Look Back in Anger, Wednesday night.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  Have you been?

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, I have been.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  What, the premiere?

• 7:18Speaker 00

  Well, the premiere is on Monday, but I was doing, what did you do yesterday at the Hackney Empire with DOD and Max Rushton?

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Oh, lovely.

• 7:25Speaker 00

  And Josh had a plus one, so I could have gone. But I'd been announced on it. It's loads of fun, that, that podcast. And I was looking forward to playing the Hackney Empire and seeing them both.

• 7:33Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, we might discuss that at some point.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  So I did go to, I went to the cinema, my dear friend Baz, to watch it.

• 7:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  And we, before we walked in, I met him just before. I said, I can't wait to see this. Because he'd seen them in Cardiff and I seen them at Wembley.

• 7:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  So it's a documentary about that tour?

• 7:52Speaker 00

  About that tour and sort of the reconciliation.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  I'm watching it tonight.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Is it like their scenes in the offices of their promoter where they're going, right, don't tell me anything about the ticket price, right? I don't want to know, but tell me how much I'm going to make. I'll make a face, but don't like record it because I can't know, right? No, that's not enough. I don't want to know how much we have to charge. That's not enough. Ah, now you're talking. Okay, I'm going to walk out backwards. I want here, right? I want a different driver on the way back and no one knows nothing.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  Well.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  And our kid cannot know first thing about this, right?

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Get this, you haven't been on stage together for 16 years, the first gig.

• 8:39Speaker 03

  Now, don't be, don't have spoilers now, too many, because I bet a lot of people will be watching this weekend.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  One spoiler, because I want to, the first gig back at the Millennium Stadium, obviously it's sold out. It's been a global news story. 14 million people, I think, in the queue at one point to try and buy tickets. I went to a football match that day and the whole pub was silent with everyone people trying to buy tickets. If your stage time is eight, John, what time do you reckon Liam Gallagher turned up?

• 9:06Speaker 03

  No way. Wow.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  I'd be there at 4pm.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:10Speaker 00

  As Liam Gallagher?

• 9:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Because you're not sound checking really, apart from you, you know, obviously you've done the vocals, but

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. You want to see the room. You want to get your Pizza Express delivered.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  You then want multiple toilets, ice cold Diet Coke.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Maybe a bit of a nap.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Because, because what you would want to do here is check out the stage and you'd have to do

• 9:30Speaker 01

  Side lines.

• 9:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. And you'd have to do that before the doors opened.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  Also, what I like to do at a gig, because I care, is go into the sort of far corners of the audience and see what the stage looks like from there.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  Because they're just as important as row triple A, Dave.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  So he could have sat in the third tier of the Millennium Centre and be like, right, okay. Yeah, yeah.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  I'll do one of my faces right over here.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Well, I'll do it. I'll put, I'll put a tambourine on me and then I'll just sort of pivot about 40 degrees so people in third tier can see, yeah, he turned up.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  Let's not mock them. There are tickets going on sale very soon that we would like access to.

• 10:04Speaker 00

  I'm not mocking them at all.

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Oh, I am? I don't want to see him.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can. You can. He turns up at 7.40.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  He didn't.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  It's incredible.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  He didn't. That's, that's shorter than an episode of Friends. I know.

• 10:17Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  When I turned up, because I found it such an emotional event when I went, I said to Baz, I said, I said, just, just to warn you, enormous events of, and moments of communal joy are the one thing that really make me cry. I cried a lot at the shows. I'm definitely going to cry during this film.

• 10:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  The rehearsal bit, when the rehearsing and the reconciliation happens in the first sort of, I don't know, 35 minutes of the film.

• 10:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  I just had goosebumps, dry cheeked. Then when they start performing.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Did you get goosebumps on your cheeks?

• 10:53Speaker 00

  No, no, no. I was, I had goosebumps, but I was dry cheeked.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Be an odd feeling, wouldn't it, to get goosebumps? Maybe if you're very hairy, you do.

• 11:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, but what I'm saying is I had goosebumps, but my cheeks remained dry.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  You weren't crying yet.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  So I was just watching it. And then obviously the first gig is in Cardiff. So Cardiff comes out with the film really well, I think.

• 11:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  But when they walk on stage.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  Because you can't smell weed on a film.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  But it just looks like this joyous city and this joyous occasion.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I remember it.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  And basically, a woman from the valleys has the final word of the film.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 11:24Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 11:25Speaker 00

  What they've done, they've proved that they can, you know, they can forgive and forget and move on. It's just a, it's just a message for people. I think we've had an amazing night.

• 11:35Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, that's gonna get you.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Anyway, once they started playing, I cried so much, like when I saw Pride.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Such a strange voice.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  It was just rolling down my cheeks and all this communal joy. The poor guy who was sitting next to me went to buy a drink about halfway through, didn't come back.

• 11:55Speaker 03

  No way.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  He was like, oh my god. He was like, yeah, like we expected, you know, the British leg to be incense like, but when we went over to American, South America.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  And there's like a Brazilian woman who's called a dog bonehead. I'm like.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  Surely.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  And then they go to Korea.

• 12:18Speaker 03

  Right, no spoilers. You're just, you're telling everyone what happened.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Well, that's just the tour, Dave.

• 12:23Speaker 03

  Now they know that there's a South American woman with a dog called Bonehead.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  And then his most different.

• 12:31Speaker 00

  At the end of the film, when the lights came up, Baz went, wow, you're a man of your word.

• 12:39Speaker 00

  I then got home. And he was like, you all right? I was like, for the paracetamol, I've cried all the liquid out my body. I've got a headache. I've got a headache. Get me a paracetamol and a pint of water.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm excited now. I was a bit nonplussed, but now I'm excited.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  I loved it.

• 12:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm racing home.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  The Irish leg.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Oh, the Irish leg.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  David Masterman, the Irish experience.

• 13:04Speaker 03

  Yeah. Now, are you gonna go watch it? Do you wanna come with me to watch it?

• 13:07Speaker 01

  I heard it was a puff piece.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  But fair enough. I mean, everyone just films everything these days. Like every football, every football team in the Premier League must have a camera crew following them.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Well, a lot of them have had documentaries made.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  We should do a documentary about this podcast.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  We should.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Which is just the podcast, but from a different angle.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  And then talking heads afterwards.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  Well, they would show us eating scrambled egg about half an hour before, and they would show us reading the emails. And it would show me taking my earphones off, headphones off before going to have a wee. That, that, that's making the edit in this.

• 13:44Speaker 03

  It, it, it would have to.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, because like Man City, obviously, have had a documentary and the Leeds United one that Russell Crowe does the voiceover for.

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  You know, the most clubs, the Spurs when Mourinho was manager, I mean, most of the big clubs have had these docs done.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  What would we call it?

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Being John and Alice.

• 14:04Speaker 03

  No.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  Alice and John behind closed doors.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  We'd have to call it something like This Means More.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  What about Behind the Vibes?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Oh dear, no.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  No. Okay.

• 14:14Speaker 00

  Can I give you, oh, okay, it is a spoiler, but it's got the moment they, it's got a.

• 14:19Speaker 03

  It's desperate to ruin the whole bloody film.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  It's got the moment they first.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Well, Dave, you put your fingers in your ears, you tell me, because I'm not gonna watch it.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm gonna tell my.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  And the listeners can skip forward.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  Okay, I've got my fingers in my ears. Go on, you can tell, John.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  My whisperer. It's got the, the moment they first see each other for 16 years. And they haven't discussed the issues or the reason behind the acrimony at all. Liam Gallagher, Liam Gallagher just turns up and he goes, all right, shall we get on with it? Sing a song and then it is done.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Oh, this sounds quite disappointing.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Well, because they're northern men.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you wanna get into it, don't you? You wanna see them have a bit of a tussle.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  They didn't have a tussle. They just.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  You're still on the spoiler.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just, they just rehearse and then because they then start having a laugh, it's sort of all gone and then it's fine. But it's, um, yeah, yeah. I did, I did cry all the liquid out my body and had a headache for 40 hours.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Okay, Dave, you can come back now.

• 15:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Oasis.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  Oasis.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  What's it called?

• 15:13Speaker 00

  Don't Look Back in Anger.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  I think the name could have been a bit better.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  What would you have called it? Behind the Vibes?

• 15:18Speaker 01

  Do Look Back in Anger.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  Well, because they've already got a doc out called Supersonic, I thought they might have gone for something, not just another title of a big track of theirs.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  I love Supersonic.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, Supersonic was great.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  I love them all.

• 15:29Speaker 03

  I know one of the guys that, I used to play football with the brother of Lovelace. I've forgotten his first name now, one of the direct, one of the producers.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  It's been all over the press this week with the beard. Ed Lovelace is his brother.

• 15:40Speaker 00

  With curly hair?

• 15:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Ed's his brother who I used to play football with at Dalston Eagles.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 15:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, back in the, back in the day.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Well, then get your mates to, to text his brother, his brother, and then get, text me all the goss. That's all I want.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, he could make Behind the Vibes.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  But yeah, well, that'd be good, yeah.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Uh, well, speaking of spoiler alerts, uh, we have got a representative behind the scenes of Elis James, currently appearing on Channel 4's Taskmaster.

• 16:09Speaker 03

  We do, of course.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Lifting the lid on the dank.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's horrible.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  Underbelly of the James Sutty household.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  Hmm. It's nothing to do with her.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  It's gonna be an absolute treasure trove over the next 10 weeks.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Episode two last night.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Ellis is ritually disemboweled, live in front of the nation for his strange habits. And we've got a clip, haven't we, of this week's show because Ellis featured in the prize task.

• 16:41Speaker 03

  It's incredible how quickly, um, Ellis has featured in a, in a series that he's not on. And it's, it's within the first few minutes of last night's episode.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  I'll tell you what, I think it's incredible what it's done to my social media feed.

• 16:53Speaker 03

  I bet, I bet it is.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  I'm getting absolutely hammered. And if I, if I thought it was bad when I kicked the ball into that boy's groin, it's this times a million. I wish I'd never released the footage of the, of the boy.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Is he kicking the nation into your groin?

• 17:08Speaker 03

  Unbelievable. It is groin-based again.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  It is groin-all.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  It's groin-all. Right, I've got questions. I'm sure John has questions. Shall we, shall we listen to the clip?

• 17:17Speaker 01

  So it's a prize task and the prize is, uh, bringing something in that won't make Greg jealous.

• 17:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, here we go. Here's from Taskmaster last night.

• 17:25Speaker 05

  Hello, Izzy.

• 17:25Speaker 06

  Hello.

• 17:26Speaker 05

  What have you brought in that wouldn't make me jealous? I'm so easily jealous. I covered so much.

• 17:31Speaker 06

  I've brought in, um, my husband's lucky pants.

• 17:34Speaker 05

  Right. This is what Ellis's pants look like. Goodness. It's so, it's so graphic.

• 17:46Speaker 06

  So he, he wears these for every Wales football game to bring the team good luck.

• 17:54Speaker 06

  Um, and he's done that for decades.

• 18:00Speaker 06

  They are really shredded in, in the gusset area now.

• 18:04Speaker 05

  They're in the exact shape, I presume, of his penis and taster.

• 18:09Speaker 05

  Good start. I am not jealous of Elis James pants.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  Well, first of all, of course, we are an audio medium primarily. Who would like to describe the pants to our listener?

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Um, the, they're grey, which is, I mean, I always avoid grey boxers.

• 18:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Because you don't want a wet tuppence.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  They were from a packet of three.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Right, so you, there's blue, there's black.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  So it was grey, black and white, I think.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, because with a grey boxer, you've got a dab post-wee.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, and not [BLEEP] yourself.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  That's, that's true with all boxers, but the, the elastic band hasn't just come away slightly from the material. It's sort of, there's huge yawning holes.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  Caths is the word.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  There's less boxer attached to the elastic band at the top than there is boxer attached.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  It looks a bit like a thong in that respect.

• 19:04Speaker 00

  And it does ride up.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  There's two holes either side of the seam in the gusset.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  Oh, the perished gusset.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  And, and then just sort of miscellaneous holes. But my que, my question is not so much with the state of the pants. It's with the, um, their title as lucky pants, because Wales always lose.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  When I bought them, Swansea City won their first ever major trophy. Uh, we won the League Cup, the Capital One Cup in 2013.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  So that, so at that point, they're lucky pants.

• 19:36Speaker 00

  They were super lucky. I mean, like, uncharacteristically lucky in the history of the club.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Because we'd never won, we'd won the Welsh Cup, but we never won anything in, in England. We then went out to Europe and we beat Valencia, one of the biggest clubs in Spain, 3-0 away from home. Now, it was around this time that Gareth Bale and Ramsey were coming into their home with Wales. I remember going to watch Wales play Scotland at Hampden. We won in them. And then suddenly it's the qualification campaign for Euro 2016. And the pants, it is insane, the luck they're bringing to the team.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  Now, I bought them because they were, at one point, incredibly comfortable, the most comfortable pants I've ever owned in my life, I think. So I loved those pants.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  And we just kept winning. And then we go to the Euros, we get to the semi-final and I'm like, oh my god. I've done it. I've solved the riddle. Wales are gonna be, and Swansea are gonna be amazing for us for the rest of my life. And then they started to deteriorate. And then Swansea got relegated from the Premier League, but Wales did qualify for Euro 2020 and qualified for the 2022 World Cup.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  So do you think the state of the pants reflects their luck giving capacity?

• 20:50Speaker 00

  Their luck slash Gareth Bale's waning powers.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  Because they look like footage from a girl's worst field date anecdote.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, 100%. And I must admit, when has he said, because I don't wear them anymore because they're, you know.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  So you no longer wear them for Wales games?

• 21:11Speaker 00

  I don't, no, no, they're, they're unwearable, but bizarrely, I can't swivel them out.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  Right. Weirdly, that's an exclusive, I think, because on the, on the episode, it sounded like these were still pants that you wore.

• 21:21Speaker 01

  That's huge. When you say exclusive, Dave, where are you expecting this story to go?

• 21:26Speaker 03

  This is the Daily Mail showbiz.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  Shame or something. I don't know. Is it in The Guardian?

• 21:29Speaker 00

  Now, I must admit, right, I'm.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  I can't look at it anymore.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  Okay, that's fine.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  One leg is longer than the other somehow.

• 21:35Speaker 01

  We're gonna put it up on the carousel, aren't we, Dave?

• 21:37Speaker 03

  Well, I think what will happen is it'll end up on Instagram today in some way, shape or form.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Good, because we're trying to be more reactive, aren't we, Dave?

• 21:43Speaker 00

  Well, I'm not gonna share that.

• 21:45Speaker 03

  No, well, we will, we, as you know, we do little, uh, stories at 4pm each day to introduce the episode. I think this, the pants will feature in some way in the little video we do today.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  Two things, right? I'm incredibly proud of Izzy being on Taskmaster.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Her hair, can I just say, looks sensational.

• 22:01Speaker 00

  Her hair looks great. She's so funny on it. The, um, will you come and join me in the maze of life song she wrote last week? Hilarious, and I cannot stop singing it. And I become my son, will you come and join me in the maze of life? Hot, cold. It's really, really funny.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Tour around the steam factory was very funny as well.

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's just, so she's been so great on it and I've always known she'd be good on it. So it's really nice to see her fulfil her potential because obviously there's only five spots and, you know. But, um, so when we, when she was filming us at the beginning of this year, that prize task, obviously I'm keen to help as much as I can. She said, could I have your lucky pants, the shredded ones? I was like, of course you can. Now I'd forgotten at that point that the prize task stuff is always shown on a screen. So I thought she was just gonna hold them up and go, look at that, they're really torn. And Greg would go, ugh, and that was that.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  No, it looks like they're in a lab.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're on a mannequin.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  It looks like they're about to be swabbed.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  For a multitude of crimes. And I hadn't realised they'd put them on the, on the mannequin, which makes them look so much worse.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's not great.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  And so obviously I hadn't seen the app until last night, so I watched it as it went out. And it was the first, it was, it was the first section of the programme. And he, and he said, and she was the first person to show her prize task and to show her prize. As soon as they came up on the mannequin, I thought, oh my God, if it could have been anything else. There are very few things I regret. I regret that. I regret allowing you being framed of footage of me kicking the ball against the boy. Because I still get a tweet about that once a day, like Gary Lineker ssing on the pitch.

• 23:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  Um, I wish you hadn't said that I look like I work for Carphone Warehouse whenever I wear a suit. Because that was 11 years ago. And we went to the cricket, you and me, last year, I wore a suit. Hundred comments. What textbook is he offering?

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Do you do roaming abroad?

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Can he offer me a competitor tariff? I'm like four suits down the line. That, that was 20, 2015 maybe?

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  I wore my wed, I bought a different suit for the wedding. I bought a different suit for a funeral and like when I went to the bath. I'm like, honestly, it's like four suits later. But the Carphone, Carphone Warehouse, which incidentally has gone bust. Doesn't even exist. It, it went into liquidation and still, if I put a tie on.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  It's the, oh yeah, sort of trying to sell me the latest Samsung Galaxy. I regret that. And I have a horrible fear that I'm gonna regret this because, so the shows are on, you know, Channel 4 at nine o'clock. She'd done it by about nine oh eight. By nine oh nine, my phone is just lighting up with people going, ugh.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  At least they're clean.

• 24:56Speaker 00

  Yes, of course they're clean.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Now, I'll ask you a question. I know what the answer should be here, to be honest. Do you have the pants with you at the moment?

• 25:03Speaker 00

  Yes, I do.

• 25:03Speaker 03

  Get them out. Get them out. Go and get your pants out, Alice. I don't know if John's gonna wanna see this, but we are, it's, it's happening.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Is this another exclusive, Dave?

• 25:13Speaker 03

  Alice spotted with pants.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  Well, I can't wait for the article in The Spectator.

• 25:19Speaker 00

  I've only just realised I should have done this. I should have worn them and just put my trousers down.

• 25:22Speaker 03

  Oh, you should.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  No, because we've seen every single part of your anatomy.

• 25:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you know.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  We'd have had to sack you for gross misconduct. We'd have had to give Zoff and Jenny two weeks paid leave.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  And counselling.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:35Speaker 00

  But it would have been, as Dave puts it, an exclusive.

• 25:39Speaker 03

  It would have been, yeah.

• 25:42Speaker 03

  Questionable exclusive.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  I think Jenny and Zoff should turn away because I'm a bit embarrassed.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  Is this okay?

• 25:48Speaker 00

  Flipping gnawing.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  It's so stringy.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  Right, it is stringy.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  It's like the scene in Bottom where Richie puts on his, um, his thong for the beach and Eddie has to get it off with a blowtorch and a hammer. And then when he holds it up to the camera, it's just two elastic bands.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  Can I say though, I don't wear these anymore.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  They're just kept for sentimental reasons.

• 26:13Speaker 01

  Do you hold them when Wales are playing? Like a sort of worry doll or whatever they're called.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  But I see, but I see them, but I see them every day. Because obviously they're in the pants store.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Do you tell your anxieties to the pants and then put them under your pillow?

• 26:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the fans' fairies to come. I've got new pants.

• 26:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  I bought like 15 pairs of 10 out of 10s about six months ago.

• 26:35Speaker 01

  I did that.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  And it's, it's an absolute game changer.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, complete pant audit.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  But it's, um, the problem with the elastic going is that once it goes a bit.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, that's it.

• 26:45Speaker 00

  Is you're done for then.

• 26:47Speaker 03

  It's on the way out.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  And I'm, I'm not good enough at darning to rescue them.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  No, you can't.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Well, hold them up, hold them up.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  Come on, David Coy.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Sheepishly edged, gee, Louis.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  Yes. Stop saying geez Louis because I don't wear them anymore.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's fine. You did.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  I've moved on.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  But you wore them when they were in that state.

• 27:05Speaker 00

  I wore them when they were in certainly, you know, when they were past their prime.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Well, they won't have worn since then.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Uh, no, that, no, that is true. Yeah. I mean, I've worn some, yeah, I've worn them in a pretty negative sense.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  What a shame.

• 27:18Speaker 03

  Uh, if you're listening to this now, yeah, there'll be something.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  On Instagram, no doubt. Well, if you're listening and you're not on Instagram, because obviously some people.

• 27:24Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 27:25Speaker 00

  Imagine the most disgusting pair of pants you've ever seen in your life. Times it by a million.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  But clean, then clean them.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  For God's sake, they're clean. I cannot emphasise that enough.

• 27:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  And then I'm trying to imagine my shame because obviously this has gone out on the biggest comedy programme, uh, on British telly.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  Well, it's gone out a little bit more than that as well. Um, so should we?

• 27:44Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 27:45Speaker 03

  Should we go to the slightly deeper dive of the Taskmaster podcast?

• 27:48Speaker 01

  They've been discussed on the Taskmaster podcast. Let's hear a clip.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  So Chloe Pets was guesting, uh, on the Taskmaster podcast with Ed Gamble.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  Let's hear, let's hear the clip.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  It looked to me like there was an area where the balls would have gone through the pants.

• 28:05Speaker 05

  Yes, I did. That bottom hole, I think the, the balls would be fully through, yeah.

• 28:09Speaker 03

  And were there two holes so that the balls could sit separately or is it just?

• 28:13Speaker 05

  Both on the pants? Yeah. Yeah, I think they're just dropping, I think the whole junk is dropping through those pants. Okay. Unless he's sort of pulling it up maybe, I think basically it's either his whole junk has fallen out. Yeah. Or he's sort of pulled the pants around and so gooch and bottom half of the crack is exposed. That can't be comfortable. It won't be comfortable, no. But I guess watching Wales is not a comfortable experience anyway.

• 28:40Speaker 00

  Right, I didn't sanction this.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  I know that Izzy discussed them on, uh, the Taskmaster podcast with Ed. I knew that.

• 28:47Speaker 01

  As all podcasts are discussing them. The rest is football, discussing lucky pants.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  The rest is superstition.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  The rest is superstition. Um, shagged, married, annoyed.

• 28:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. Full disclosure with James O'Brien.

• 29:03Speaker 00

  Two bean salad.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  That's good. Well done.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 29:08Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's just, it's very, wanting to be a supportive husband, you know, I'll do anything for my wife. But I am, I am, I am sort of starting to regret this one.

• 29:19Speaker 03

  No, it's fine.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Because you've gotta have some privacy, man.

• 29:22Speaker 03

  Well, you have, but everyone's, every bloke who wears boxer shorts has probably, has been there at that point with a pair of. But well, maybe not quite there, but you know, not far off.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  I was just remembering when I was maybe 22.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  I was round at a lady's house and, um, I don't know how this happened, but

• 29:46Speaker 01

  pre-intimacy, we went upstairs and for some reason I was wearing my, just my boxers.

• 29:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's fair enough.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  I think she was just wearing her bra and pants and I walked first upstairs.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  And they were a worn pair of boxers. And I remember at the top of the stairs, she said, that's unacceptable.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  I didn't realise they'd worn through the gusset.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  So she'd had a terrible view up the stairs.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Oh God.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  Pre-intimacy.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  Pre-intimacy. She'd be, it was a spoiler alert.

• 30:21Speaker 03

  It wasn't a one.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  Oh, it was the early 2000s.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Britain was different.

• 30:32Speaker 03

  No, no, you can't.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  David was Blair's second term.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  There, there, we were sort of, there was an optimism about the place. Things still worked.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  Cheap credit.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  People had a pound in their pocket, Dave.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  You get a mortgage with just 50 quid.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, but they weren't spending that, that pound in their pocket on pants.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  No.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  Um, I must, I've got to, I've got to say this. Certainly in my twenties, I would have a couple of pairs of decent ones. And then the rest were, it was a movable feast.

• 31:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  But for the last, certainly 15 years, they've, apart from the lucky ones, I've been, you know, I'm a married man.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  You've gotta be ruthless.

• 31:13Speaker 00

  It's just expensive though.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  They can be very expensive.

• 31:16Speaker 00

  Consider no very, you know, no one or very few people see them. They are too expensive. Pants should be about 40 pence, I think.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  So you get quite a tan. I don't think they should be that cheap.

• 31:25Speaker 00

  No, come on. All right, four, four quid.

• 31:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, five, yeah, I don't know. Anyway, anyway, that's probably enough.

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• 32:44Speaker 01

  Obviously, we're still dealing with another exclusive. The press are all over us at the minute.

• 32:49Speaker 03

  God, we're giving Miranda Sawyer so many exclusives.

• 32:52Speaker 01

  We asked people in our Instagram if they'd ever eaten a prune. The results are in. Yes, 47%. No, but I'm tempted, 10%.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  No, 25%. God, no, 18%. Which does mean 57% of our social media following are either prune positive or prune curious.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Here's a thought experiment for you. I remember the phone call, because I stood up in my living room in my flat in Elephant and Castle. I remember the phone call where we discussed our radio, XFM as it was then, pilot.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:31Speaker 00

  And Sacred Cow was an idea I'd had and I explained it to you. You said, yeah, that's good. I think Winner Plays On was your idea. And we discussed how we were going to approach the pilot. And we came up with ideas on how to make it sound like a radio show. If I then said, and then if we could just ask the audience if they'd tried prunes or not, I think that could be an absolute winner. You would have said, Ellis, I want to do it with someone else, anyone else.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, sometimes the things you plan turn out to be not as good as the stuff that just happens off the cuff. But do tune in next week for the next chapter of Contact.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  This is from Colin Princeeep. Colin says, hello, my clear-balled content impresarios. I can't believe that the recent prune-based antics of the show didn't result in John mentioning the classic Frank Zappa and Mothers of Invention song, The Duke of Prunes, from the album Absolutely Free. Perhaps there were some copyright concerns. Has Ellis now become the Duke of Prunes? Yes, will he be my doo-chess? My doo-chess of prunes is from the song, The Duke of Prunes, from the album Absolutely Free, which was, I think, the first album, Frank Zappa album, I ever bought after a compilation called Cheap Thrills, Volume Two. And it's also got the song called Any Vegetable on it.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  Oh, so the first proper album as opposed to a compilation show?

• 34:58Speaker 01

  First studio album, yeah.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  And it's mad.

• 35:01Speaker 00

  Nice. And you thought, I'm going to get into this guy. I wonder what his pants were like.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  Wife friends.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, they would have been wife friends.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  I don't know. Back in those days, I doubt they were on for very long.

• 35:14Speaker 03

  What do you mean, really?

• 35:15Speaker 01

  They were a sexual band.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Were they?

• 35:19Speaker 00

  Fair enough.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, big time. He didn't do drugs and he didn't drink that much. But they...

• 35:25Speaker 03

  And he boxed away.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  They loved making love.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, and that's funny.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  He was married, which isn't ideal.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  But I think she was sort of aware.

• 35:36Speaker 03

  Well, you think.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  Different times.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  There's an interview with her where she's asked his wife, who's now dead. They were married for his whole career.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Oh, right.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  They married from like 1968.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Tom Jones has been married to a local girl from, like, Ponte Prue for decades.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  But I think there's an interview where they asked about sort of Frank's extracurricular activities and she said...

• 35:58Speaker 00

  What, his flute lessons? Cubs.

• 36:01Speaker 01

  She said, there's only so long you can keep up with texts. There's only so long you can keep up with pretense when your husband comes back from tour and says, I've got crabs.

• 36:09Speaker 00

  Oh, dear.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  It was the 70s.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  It was the 70s, mate.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  It was the 60s and 70s and 80s and probably not early 90s because he was quite ill by then.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, crabs, eh?

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  What a shame.

• 36:22Speaker 01

  What are they?

• 36:23Speaker 00

  They're like lice in your pubes.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Ugh. Do people still get them? It feels quite 60s.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  It feels quite 60s. They must have died out, surely.

• 36:33Speaker 01

  Dave, that's the next, that's the next poll.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Next poll, next.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Have you ever had crabs? Have you, would you not like to have them, but you're tempted?

• 36:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  Have you not had them and do you not know what they are?

• 36:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  I think that's a bad idea.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  I do. What could be good for the rapid response unit, the new feature that I do blooming love on this podcast?

• 36:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, Dave, if people have had crabs.

• 36:56Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, but...

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Have you ever cheated on your partner whilst on tour?

• 37:00Speaker 03

  No, no, but further back than that, what about garments of superstition? So what are your lucky pieces of, what are your lucky items of clothing?

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, nice.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  Let us know.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Nice idea, Dave.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  Thanks. And then we'll do a rapid response unit next week.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  Right, this is, this is about 18 to 30 reps, to my relevant rampant radio reps.

• 37:19Speaker 01

  This makes me feel so sick, this email.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  I can't wait for this.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  Because the whole email, I felt hung over.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 00

  I was listening to the show on Tuesday, the 8th of September, and producer Dave dropped the bombshell that he would have loved to be a rep back in the day.

• 37:33Speaker 03

  Cavos.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  Being of, being of a similar vintage, 43 from Manchester, I too fell hook, line and sinker for the mystical life of the club rep.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:43Speaker 00

  So when I went off to university and had a long, free summer, I thought, this is my moment to live the dream. The application process, pretty straightforward, right up until they shipped us off for a weekend to Butlins Gag Ness for a grueling audition weekend.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, because it was a big deal back in the day to be a rep.

• 38:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. Also, everyone saved up and spent money on the holidays. You can't miss it. There's actually quite a lot of responsibility for people to have an amazing time.

• 38:07Speaker 03

  Yes, that's, yeah, I just feel like that's where the responsibilities end.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  Yeah. It was essentially The X Factor meets a corporate icebreaker, requiring us to perform on stage, do forced fun team bonding exercises and present our case in battle for preferred placement. Miraculously, I love this sentence, I was awarded my top choice, Zante.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  Yes, that's where I went. That's a good place to go.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  I finished my Tenerife I went to. It was called Escapes, I think, Reef A 99.

• 38:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I did an escape solid after my levels.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  With your friends?

• 38:40Speaker 00

  With 12 boys from school, yeah.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  Oh, did you kiss any girls?

• 38:45Speaker 00

  Uh, no.

• 38:46Speaker 01

  God, I imagine going all that way. It was literally the only point.

• 38:51Speaker 00

  A mother of three from Gloucester told me I had nice eyes. I remember running, I remember running away from her because I thought it's too intense.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  Go on, carry on, this is great.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  I finished my uni year and flew out bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. It started decently enough in a respectable hotel for a week of rep training. But this was the long, hot summer of 2004. The company was trying to clean up its image, meaning strict new regulations were brought in. This is, I can't get over this. Rule number one, we were strictly forbidden from using the phrase bar crawl or pub crawl to guests, even while literally leading them on a bar-to-bar exchange. We had to call them guided evening excursions or social walkabouts with a straight face.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  That fact, when you pair it with the following fact, is extraordinary.

• 39:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I, that's all it was, was bar crawls.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  With a guy called Darren from Essex, Reef A 99. My first day, you should have been a red flag, where after a night when my boss took me out and spiked my drinks to check my limits. Oh my God, I was being...

• 39:58Speaker 01

  Just, let's just dwell on that for a second. The boss of a company that have decided it's inappropriate to use the phrase pub crawl...

• 40:06Speaker 00

  And are trying to have a rebrand.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Is spiking an employee's drink to check their tolerance.

• 40:11Speaker 00

  And also, how did you find out?

• 40:14Speaker 01

  They probably said afterwards.

• 40:15Speaker 00

  Must have said afterwards, yeah. I was being trained in aggressive tactics to coerce 19-year-olds in the morning and being instructed on how to strip on stage to the Greece mega mix in the afternoon.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  I'm assuming spiked it with like whiskey.

• 40:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Like pouring a whiskey into it, which is still illegal and awful.

• 40:32Speaker 00

  Once deployed, reality hit immediately. On day one, I was paired with a veteran rep. It's the veteran reps are the ones I don't understand.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  What's a veteran rep?

• 40:41Speaker 00

  As in one who's done it year on, year on, year on, it's been the three ages. For a welcome meeting with four young women, to say he was pushy is an understatement. He held them hostage in the room, flatly refusing to leave until they brought the entire week's event package. When I innocently chimed in with, maybe we should give them a minute to think, mate, he reported me to the resort manager for losing the sale.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  So explain this to me. You pay for the holiday and then what, there's extra stuff?

• 41:06Speaker 00

  There's extra stuff, like booze cruises and stuff. Like we paid to, I paid to drink beer through a sock on a ship in front of 300 Scousers.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  That cost you money. Feels like they should have been paying you.

• 41:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, that cost me money. And I did it, I lost, I lost the race to someone from like Bootle. And yeah, the boys then had a go at me for letting the side down. I was like, sorry, I've never drunk a can, a can through a sock before. And it wasn't my sock. It was the rep's sock. It was a bloody good laugh. I was holed over the coals for my lack of killer instinct. From there, the glamour truly overflowed. The accommodation, I was promptly moved to a hotel best described as a biohazard, with my primary duties included being hurled into the swimming pool fully clothed six times a day by heavily inebriated guests. That would, that's going to get on your wick, isn't it, after a while?

• 42:05Speaker 03

  Would you just stay in the wet clothes eventually? Because you know it's happening again in 20 minutes.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  I didn't have enough changes of clothes at the age of 19 to change my clothes six times a day.

• 42:16Speaker 03

  No.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  It just feels very unsafe.

• 42:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. The sleep deprivation. Working 15-hour shifts on two hours of sleep because 18:30 bought the bottom-of-the-barrel flight slots that no sane airline wanted. You go to bed at 11:00 PM, get dragged up at 1:00 AM for airport runs, welcome the new arrivals and immediately launch into the hard sell without having closed your eyes. Oh my God. This is, this is, this made me sad. The finance. Because I couldn't bring myself to fleece teenagers using high-pressure psychological warfare, I made approximately zero commission. The rep's cabaret, the crown jewel. I had to strip naked on stage in front of hundreds of people, made all the more majestic by the fact I'd suffered a severe allergic reaction to local mosquito bites.

• 43:06Speaker 00

  Leaving me covered head to toe in angry glowing red blotches. Cool. So producer Dave, if your dream involves severe insect reactions, predatory sales targets, fake terminology, moped A and E runs and a broken ankle, you truly missed out. Otherwise you dodged an absolute bullet. Love and hugs. Johnny from Worsley in Salford.

• 43:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't make it sound fun.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  It sounds bad and it sounds like there's going to be an expose. Hammer arm.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  There were those, well, there were those programmes Ibiza uncovered.

• 43:43Speaker 00

  There was another one. There was a Welsh language one called Procar Pyth, which means hot poker. But if just followed people on those holidays.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  Or being sick everywhere.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  Or being sick everywhere. And also fighting. The lads would always end up scrapping in town.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  But I don't want to have a fight.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  No, no, no, definitely don't.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  No, of course not.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  I've decided I'm not going to go on the club 1830 holiday anymore.

• 44:05Speaker 00

  Well, you're 14 years too old.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  Right, yeah.

• 44:07Speaker 00

  Would they let you on if you were 44?

• 44:10Speaker 03

  No, no, I doubt it.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Why don't we set up club 4460 where you go hiking in the Alps if you're up to it? And if not, you just have a croissant in a cafe.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  That would be really nice. You could do a little package as well. You could be like, there's a minibus. It's going to Lake Annecy. There's going to be an hour in Annecy to get an ice cream, look around the shops. And then it's going to take us back via a modest pizza restaurant.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  But isn't that what a saga holiday is?

• 44:39Speaker 01

  No, this is pre saga. This is club 44 to 60.

• 44:42Speaker 00

  Okay. So how is it differentiated from saga?

• 44:45Speaker 01

  Because we're not, you know, most of us don't need medical assistance and high insurance costs. Cause we're not statistically likely to die on the holiday.

• 44:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 44:57Speaker 01

  So the travel insurance is cheaper. There's a little bit more sort of exerting activities.

• 45:05Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  We're in our 40s.

• 45:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:08Speaker 01

  We're in our 50s.

• 45:09Speaker 00

  So you're, you're expected to be able to walk up Schofield Pike.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you don't have to.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  But you don't have to if you don't feel it.

• 45:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  Maybe if you've had a text message from work.

• 45:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:20Speaker 00

  You're like, actually I need to sort this. Is there wifi in the cafe?

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. And the DVDs will be things like Fight Club. And The Matrix.

• 45:30Speaker 00

  Okay. So films from the 90s.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:33Speaker 03

  Okay. I think people, cause I'm going on this exact holiday with my mates in October.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Club 4460.

• 45:39Speaker 03

  Well, no, but this is what, this is the point I'm making. Do people just not just do this with them? You don't need a company to do this for you when you're this age, because you're responsible enough to figure it out.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Some people's mates have got blimming kids and you ask them if they want to go on holiday and they're like, oh, sorry, it's half term that week. And you're like, what? When's half term? And then you Google it and it's different everywhere. And you think sod it. I'll just go to the Alps on my own.

• 45:58Speaker 00

  It's mad though. Like when I do Wales away trips, we organise it ourselves, but there are people who organise those trips for groups of fans. I'm like, can you not buy your own Eurostar? Or can you not buy your own flight to, you know, Berlin or whatever?

• 46:14Speaker 03

  That's what I mean.

• 46:14Speaker 00

  It's amazing how there are, there are companies that do it for people who just want to absolve themselves of all responsibility.

• 46:19Speaker 01

  I've started playing a game where you have to get people on buses and I keep.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  How are you in yourself?

• 46:27Speaker 01

  I couldn't sleep the other night. I've been playing it too long. So it's been banned now.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  But you've got to get people on buses. That game kept you awake.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, no, because I played it so much. I was so wired.

• 46:37Speaker 00

  What?

• 46:37Speaker 01

  I've been staring at my phone for four hours trying to get people on buses.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  It's an actual game?

• 46:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:41Speaker 00

  Oh, you're not imagining trying to herd people on buses?

• 46:44Speaker 01

  No.

• 46:45Speaker 00

  Right. Oh no, that would be daft, wouldn't it?

• 46:48Speaker 01

  And anyway, they, you have to watch these ads to get an extra parking space for the buses, even though I've paid to get rid of the ads, which is a bit annoying. But one of the ads I keep getting recommended is a Man City themed bank card.

• 47:03Speaker 03

  Oh, yes. Please.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  There's a bank which I won't name.

• 47:07Speaker 03

  I think I know who it is.

• 47:07Speaker 01

  Like an online bank who teamed up with Man City.

• 47:11Speaker 00

  Monzo City.

• 47:13Speaker 01

  It's essentially something like that, but it's this Manchester guy opening his, his like, sort of, they send you a pack.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  And he's like, oh, this is well decent. Look, you get a scarf.

• 47:25Speaker 00

  There?

• 47:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. And you also get a bag of sweets.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  With Man City on them. You get sweets and you get to choose from one of four digital wallet cards. And there's like four Man City cards that you can have in your digital wallet.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  Picture of the badge.

• 47:41Speaker 03

  This is sad because I think I've got a savings account with this bank, but I didn't get any of this.

• 47:45Speaker 01

  You didn't get your Man City welcome pack with a scarf and sweets and one of four digital cards for your wallet.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  No, it sounds buzzing though.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  Oh, it's amazing. I must have seen that advert 60 times.

• 47:56Speaker 00

  Sorry, I thought you were staring out of your window and looking at the bus stop.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Like trying to improve local buses.

• 48:02Speaker 00

  Trying to improve local buses. Right. Okay.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  Speaking of improving the roads, this is from Max. Max says, good afternoon to my favourite triumvirate of triviality. On hearing John's recent political rant on the legality and standards of certain road users, I felt compelled to share a party manifesto that I've been working on for the past few months. Purely for my own sanity, the stuff of fantasy and not previously intended to see the light of day. However, I feel we now have the public spearhead and face of the party required to be taken seriously in the modern political climate. Welcome, John, to the driving standards party. We're currently a one issue, three policy party, but will slowly implement and enforce consistency of standards across all public behaviour.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  For now though, our election promises are as follows. So this is the manifesto of the driving standards party.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  Good name, DSP. Yeah.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  Mandatory revalidation of both driving and theory tests every five years for all drivers.

• 49:00Speaker 00

  No, I'm out. I am out.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Fail one or both and your licence is revoked and car impounded until you pass.

• 49:05Speaker 00

  So five years. So tests at 17, 22, 27, 32.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, Max, that's, I mean, they're just, people who haven't passed their driving test can't get driving tests.

• 49:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  It's like a five month, six month wait.

• 49:22Speaker 00

  Oh, is there? I didn't know that.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's crazy. So Max, I don't agree with that. I would maybe, I would.

• 49:28Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, you could fund it. You just, you just, you just need to train loads of examiners.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I don't think.

• 49:34Speaker 00

  Check money at the problem. That's what the DSP does.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  I don't think that, I think that's needless bureaucracy.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  What I would like to see is more motorways featuring in the regular driving test. Cause when I passed, you didn't have to go on a motorway at all, which is absolutely insane.

• 49:50Speaker 03

  That is insane, isn't it?

• 49:53Speaker 01

  So I, I, I don't back that policy element, Max. I do think you should have to retake your test after you're 70.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  Quite a lot of it is insane though. Like a friend of mine is epileptic. And he hasn't driven since about 1997 or eight, because he had a fit. And I think you have to go five years without a fit before you're allowed your driving test back, driving licence back. And he's now done five years so he can drive and he's forgotten how to drive, but he doesn't need to retake his test to have any lessons. He can legally just get behind the wheel.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  But how would you police that?

• 50:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:30Speaker 01

  Cause he should take a refresher lesson or two.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  He is and he has done, but he doesn't have to, which is, which is such a surprise.

• 50:37Speaker 01

  Next, Max says additionally mandatory highway code tests every 12 months as part of your insurance renewal. Every question you get wrong increases your premium by a hundred pounds. This includes cyclists and requires registration and insurance of all bicycles.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  Well, highway code just does change.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm not sure every 12, I think every 12 months is a bit strict.

• 51:01Speaker 03

  This party is, it's really laying down the law.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Authoritarian, isn't it?

• 51:07Speaker 01

  It would be nice to have some, the thing with cyclists is like the way people drive Lime Bikes in London, it's like they're immortal. You're like, you know, you're not immortal.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. And you haven't even got a helmet on.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. Or reflective gear or a light and you're drunk. That said, like, I mean, cyclists do cause harm to other road users and pedestrians, but the main victim is themselves, which is what's so mad about how people cycle.

• 51:36Speaker 00

  But also they take up so much less space than cars and vans and lorries and it's so much better for the environment.

• 51:44Speaker 01

  Max's next point is anyone using any sort of e-scooter or e-bike at any time in any location, unless they're a legal council backed scheme, gets a mandatory three month prison sentence and their machine incinerated in front of their eyes.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  I don't think our prisons can take the extra strain. I do agree with the incineration in front of their eyes.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. They scare, because they go too fast.

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Cause it's illegal. It's like someone driving a spliff through London.

• 52:14Speaker 00

  Motorized spliff.

• 52:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's not, it's illegal.

• 52:17Speaker 00

  And on, on the roads, they're a bit scary and on the, on the pavements, they're very scary.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  All of this, I firmly believe is central to the future political career of the right honourable Johnny J R MP Squire. And I look forward to welcoming him to the party at our first official conference to be held, probably within the confines of our own minds this autumn. Yours in agreement, Max. Well, Max, it's only one out of three for me that I would back there going into the next election.

• 52:44Speaker 03

  But Max sounds like your kind of people. Whether you agree with all the policies, you and Max are going like a house on fire, I feel.

• 52:50Speaker 01

  Well, he's quite keen on more bureaucracy.

• 52:53Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  He's quite keen on more testing.

• 52:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:56Speaker 01

  I think there's a place for testing. I don't think the, the system can handle people retaking their driving test and their highway code test every five years and 12 months at the minute. I would just like to see a mobile undercover traffic force of say, half a million officers.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  That doubles as an army.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  That doubles, that doubles as an army and can take over parliament if needs be.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  A citizens militia.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:27Speaker 00

  An armed citizens militia.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Armed citizens traffic militia.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. Whose roundabout etiquette is always perfect.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. This is as much for bad drivers as for cyclists. It's, it's not an anti cycling party. I just would love to be able, and maybe it's part, some, maybe it's like, everyone should have a dash cam. And if you catch someone breaking the law, and you can do this, you submit the footage to your local police authority and that person gets a fine. You can do that. Yeah.

• 53:58Speaker 00

  A couple of jobs worth.

• 54:00Speaker 03

  Mind your own business.

• 54:01Speaker 00

  That's what I say.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  But it is my business. If you cut, if you do a three lane sweep on the motorway at twice my speed, that's my business.

• 54:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've made it my business.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. Okay.

• 54:12Speaker 00

  Good.

• 54:13Speaker 01

  Okay then. I mean, if you do want to send in your policies for the Driving Standards Party and the Cycling Standards Party and the Walking Standards Party.

• 54:24Speaker 00

  So is this all under one umbrella party, do you feel?

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's the, it's the, um, the, the perambulation, driving and peregrination standard society.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  The Walking Standards Party. If you're dithering, you're getting 20 years inside. Gotta walk fast, man. Unless, if you're able bodied, you gotta walk fast.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. And if you're jaywalking into traffic or walking when the lights are green and you do that thing where you actually slow down and stare out the driver as they're approaching.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  20 years.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  20 million years.

• 54:59Speaker 00

  20 million years, wow.

• 55:01Speaker 01

  Anyway, sorry.

• 55:03Speaker 03

  Very strict on jaywalking in Vienna, I found out the hard way.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  And Australia.

• 55:07Speaker 01

  And America. It's illegal in America.

• 55:09Speaker 03

  I imagine it's illegal in Vienna because we got absolute dressing down from the police for that.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 55:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  But it's mad, isn't it, when you don't know that that's the law?

• 55:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're just crossing the road.

• 55:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:18Speaker 00

  It's like driving abroad. I was driving in France two weeks ago. You don't, you don't have to look up French, you know, the French highway code. Just let you do it.

• 55:27Speaker 03

  Let you do it.

• 55:37Speaker 04

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• 57:10Speaker 01

  Now, Dave, get us out of this driving hornet's nest.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:14Speaker 01

  And into karma waters.

• 57:16Speaker 03

  Well, I don't know how karma waters these will be because.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  Dave, I'm drowning.

• 57:21Speaker 03

  Fellow comedian, Alistair Green.

• 57:23Speaker 01

  Fellow comedian. He is, in some senses, because they're having a couple of weeks off.

• 57:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes, we're taking a break, which, you know, a lot of podcasts do. Absolutely fine.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  I took a break from Sunday in English for like 11 years.

• 57:35Speaker 03

  You did.

• 57:36Speaker 00

  I was a fellow comedian in English.

• 57:37Speaker 03

  Fellow comedian, fellow comedian Alistair Green has discussed yourself, John, on a recent episode of Don't Think So Somehow. Yeah, and I think it needs to be brought to your attention because we want details.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  I'm looking really good recently.

• 57:50Speaker 03

  It's actually not far off that because it's about your prowess again.

• 57:54Speaker 01

  I have it, I have.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  He just flexes his biceps.

• 57:56Speaker 01

  I am seeing, I am beginning to see the benefits of going back to CrossFit.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  Good. Well done.

• 58:02Speaker 01

  I feel taut and I can now do the little dance you do with your pecs.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  Can you?

• 58:07Speaker 01

  Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

• 58:09Speaker 03

  You can't. All right, go, it's on the car. Or is this, this is cinematic universe territory?

• 58:14Speaker 01

  No, that's, it's top, it's top shelf subscription only.

• 58:16Speaker 00

  I mean, you've already got my pants on the car, so let's, you know.

• 58:20Speaker 03

  That's true. We should get John's dancing pecs.

• 58:21Speaker 01

  Give me, give me two more sled pushes.

• 58:24Speaker 03

  Okay, fine.

• 58:25Speaker 01

  But I did do it in front of the mirror last night. Well, we'll, we'll return.

• 58:28Speaker 00

  On your own?

• 58:31Speaker 01

  What were you saying, Dave?

• 58:33Speaker 03

  In a weird way, I kind of want it to be on his own because I don't know what's, I don't know what's sadder in the.

• 58:38Speaker 01

  It was, it was on my own, but then I did the other night, come out of the bathroom and go to the bedroom and say to my bo B E A U X.

• 58:47Speaker 03

  Your girlfriend.

• 58:48Speaker 01

  Which also means cow in Irish. I did say, have you replaced my mirror with that poster of a super hunk?

• 58:56Speaker 03

  That's good stuff.

• 58:57Speaker 01

  Because I didn't, I need my mirror. So it's a bit annoying that you've replaced it with a poster of a super hunk without my permission.

• 59:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, because he's saying that he's ripped.

• 59:05Speaker 00

  He can be good fun.

• 59:07Speaker 03

  He can, he's playful.

• 59:08Speaker 01

  And sometimes quiet for ages.

• 59:13Speaker 03

  Anyway, let's discuss your prowess and your, your skills in other areas. Well, we'll hear the clip, we'll hear a clip and then I'd like to get your take as to how you recall these events going down. Hit it, Zoff.

• 59:23Speaker 06

  I remember you losing pool very badly to John Robbins once.

• 59:27Speaker 05

  I've ne, I've never lost pool to John Robbins.

• 59:29Speaker 01

  I did, I did. Yeah, yeah.

• 59:31Speaker 06

  And apparently you put the, you threw the cue down and walked out.

• 59:35Speaker 05

  No, that's total ****. That is total ****, utter ****. Also, I wasn't even trying and I was throwing my pants. I didn't give a **** and ****, mate. So whatever. Stupid, stupid game anyway. And by the way, I wasn't, I genuinely wasn't trying and I hadn't played in years.

• 59:52Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 59:53Speaker 05

  I hadn't played in years. No, I wasn't. I hadn't played in years. But if I, if I had like one hour of practice, I'd be in anyone in the world. If I just had to get my eye back in, but I hadn't got my eye in. Anyway, I'm not even bothered. So whatever. Name another thing because that one doesn't count. We're gonna, we're gonna have, we have to edit that out.

• 1:00:12Speaker 01

  The complexity of Al's self-image is so.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  Fascinating.

• 1:00:17Speaker 01

  It's ama, it's, oh God. Yeah, I remember that.

• 1:00:21Speaker 03

  Do you? Well, I'd love to hear your side to this because it's interesting, isn't it?

• 1:00:24Speaker 01

  It was at a party. Who, you might have been there, Ellis. It was someone's birthday party and the music was like insanely loud. So quite a few people went into a sort of ante room.

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

  Nish's 40th?

• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  No, not Nish's 40th.

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  Because it was loud.

• 1:00:44Speaker 01

  Earlier than that. This is about a few years ago. Might have been Crosby's birthday or Josh's. Who was, there was a list of.

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  Crosby's 40th was in Brixton. It was loud then.

• 1:00:56Speaker 01

  There was a list of DJs on the wall and one of them was like Acasta was DJing, maybe Nish was DJing. I think Crosby and Charlie were DJing. So I don't think it was, anyway.

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  I don't remember this.

• 1:01:08Speaker 01

  It was a, it was a really lovely person's birthday, but it was very loud. So we went into the pool room and me and Al Green played pool and I have a suspicion I cleared the table before he'd potted a ball.

• 1:01:26Speaker 03

  Oh, dearie.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  Not from the break.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  No, but just quite lucky with your break, would you say?

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  No, I'm good at pool.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  You're good at pool?

• 1:01:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. And he, he didn't throw the cue down, but he did leave, immediately leave the room and not come back.

• 1:01:43Speaker 03

  Well, there we go. That's John Robbins inside of events.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Reminds me of a lovely memory because I don't see Al very, very much. I love hanging out with him.

• 1:01:49Speaker 00

  I don't see Al very much. He's, he's so funny.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's great value. He was at Lou's pool party.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  Oh, was he in July or August? Yeah.

• 1:01:58Speaker 01

  I see him. But, oh my goodness. Well, that's about enough for today. We'll be back in the bureau and on Tuesday. And I've got a little bit of exciting news to share with you on the Tuesday episode.

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  Have you?

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. If a return to common sense for this country is news.

• 1:02:19Speaker 03

  Are we eating more prunes?

• 1:02:20Speaker 01

  If a million percent increase in decency is news.

• 1:02:26Speaker 03

  A million percent.

• 1:02:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. If Britain finally turning a corner is news, feels like that would, would be in the news.

• 1:02:34Speaker 03

  What are you, what is this?

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  Well, you'll have to listen to Tuesday episode to find out.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  So your good news has impacted the economy.

• 1:02:42Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:02:43Speaker 00

  And.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  Decency.

• 1:02:44Speaker 00

  And decency.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  Crime is down.

• 1:02:46Speaker 00

  Crime is down.

• 1:02:47Speaker 01

  Graffiti is a thing of the past.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  Anti-social behaviour, gone.

• 1:02:50Speaker 01

  What? Never heard of it.

• 1:02:54Speaker 00

  So we're entering a golden age.

• 1:02:56Speaker 01

  Oh, big time. Yes.

• 1:02:58Speaker 03

  Beef's golf club coming back.

• 1:03:00Speaker 01

  No, but I did get a text from Beef this morning.

• 1:03:02Speaker 03

  Did you?

• 1:03:02Speaker 01

  First time in ages. And he did say he wanted to talk to me about some media opportunities.

• 1:03:07Speaker 03

  There you go.

• 1:03:08Speaker 01

  So maybe it is, but that, I mean, that would just be the cherry on the economy's cake.

• 1:03:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  Imagine that the Chancellor mentioning the return of Beef's golf club.

• 1:03:18Speaker 03

  In his autumn statement.

• 1:03:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, saying that's going to learn, lead to 0.4% increase in quarter on quarter GB, G B P, G B P, B B, G D P.

• 1:03:29Speaker 03

  One of them.

• 1:03:29Speaker 01

  G D P.

• 1:03:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:31Speaker 01

  In real terms, Dave.

• 1:03:32Speaker 03

  Unemployment increase due to the word that'll go into it, no doubt?

• 1:03:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, because we've got a thousand editors.

• 1:03:39Speaker 03

  Good. Well, well, no, genuinely, I don't know what this is.

• 1:03:42Speaker 00

  No, neither do I. I'm, I'm excited.

• 1:03:44Speaker 01

  Could I get some trumpets for my intro, please, Dave?

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  Looking at Jenny now.

• 1:03:49Speaker 03

  I'm, I'm looking at jelly now. We're looking at Jenny for trumpets.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  Trumpet call for the intro, just like a regal sort of, that sort of thing.

• 1:03:58Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, we, we would love this stuff in the week, just so that Jenny doesn't have to now nip out and find some trumpets.

• 1:04:04Speaker 00

  You can just trumpet her.

• 1:04:05Speaker 01

  I'd love, Dave, to be inspired to a timetable. Unfortunately, I don't know if you've ever tried to put lightning in a box, but it tends to burn your hands. And unless you're wearing rubber shoes, which case you might survive.

• 1:04:20Speaker 03

  Can we record?

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  But it will leave a pattern on your back where all the veins explode.

• 1:04:24Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:25Speaker 01

  It's like roots.

• 1:04:26Speaker 03

  Yeah. Can we just record Alice doing the trumpet and use that instead?

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  No, it's got to be regal.

• 1:04:30Speaker 03

  It's got to be regal. Alice is regal, you're mad.

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  He's not regal. He hates the monarchy, apart from the old Welsh ones.

• 1:04:37Speaker 00

  Llewelyn ain't Llewelyn, I'll have a wanklin do.

• 1:04:39Speaker 01

  Would you like a King of Wales if it was a King of Wales?

• 1:04:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, Michael Sheen.

• 1:04:44Speaker 01

  But if it was like they found a bloodline and said, oh, this is actually the King of Wales.

• 1:04:48Speaker 00

  Well, a guy I know through the Swans did his, like ancestry DNA in his genealogy and he reckons he's related to the last King of Wales. But I think it's one of those things where most people are.

• 1:05:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. But yeah, he went all the way back to Llewelyn. So I, I bowed to him in the pub.

• 1:05:11Speaker 01

  Right, there we go. See you on Tuesday.

• 1:05:13Speaker 03

  Oh, and special guests, Skinwigs are on our podcast on Tuesday as well.

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 1:05:17Speaker 03

  Very much looking forward to that. See you later.

• 1:05:30Speaker 04

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• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:06:08Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:06:13Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things E J J R, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.