#570 - Radio Husbands, Everything’s Magnolia and The Wetter The Better

Lou is here! And she’s already made one friend and one enemy on the way in. Buckle up, in the first few minutes there are bad Welsh accents (sorry Elis) and promiscuous tales flying round the studio. Safe to say Dave is wishing he was still on holiday… Speaking of, John’s been on his holidays and even swam in the sea, twice. Get in the sea, change your state - Lou’s always said it. The colder the better. The wetter the better. Turns out, you can’t worry when you’re looking for little fish. Elsewhere, Lou is taking a stand in our all-new, all-precarious and all-very-delicately-dealt-with feature: Lou Sues Again. Plus, we’ve fired up the ol’ Rapid Response Unit to hear directly from you the people about some of your longest relationships. Do you own a fire truck in Thanet and have your own private well? Get in touch with us at [email protected] For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  mini golf and picks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching. My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room. So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well. Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 02

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• 2:31Speaker 01

  Hello, everyone. It's the Elis James and John Robbins show, or is it? We, as you know, don't have a badge for perfect attendance. But if we did, it would be going to one Johnny JR John Robbins. Dave, actually, make a note, do get a perfect attendance badge made. If we had a bad badge for head boy, ditto, it's John Robbins. But Dave has returned today. Money changed hands in a police station in Chittle Hume, between his father, a timber magnate, and a bent copper. And who have we got taking the role of Ellis James today? Well, she's learnt how to wink, and that's causing her an awful lot of amusement

• 3:13Speaker 01

  this morning. She's got her headphones in after just four or five hours of wiggling them around. She's making a few lewd comments. So she's clearly back on the dating scene. It's the one that only Lou Sanders.

• 3:26Speaker 04

  Oh, hello. And none of that was read from a sheet. That was just off the top of your bums.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  That was just off the top of the old dome.

• 3:32Speaker 04

  Wow. So much goes on in there. Not all of it good.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  No, it's been a challenge.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  Well, it's lovely to be back with my radio husbands, I must say. Wink.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  We are fully visualised now, so you don't need to say wink, wink. Just give us the wink.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  Well, for the listeners, I will point out when Lou winks.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  That's a good point. That's a very good point.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  So Lou, thank you so much for stepping in for Ellis. Ellis has, well, as part of his headlining of the Istedfod, after you've headlined the Istedfod, you have to be buried up to your neck for a week to teach you a lesson about humility. So he's gone to a pontypool to be buried up to his neck outside the leisure centre there.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  So passing families can throw wheat at him. And he has to say thank you very much.

• 4:21Speaker 04

  We used to have, I think they'd still do it. They have a procession in Thanet in part of Oakwick. And I think they have Miss Margate, Miss Ramsgate, and they wave. And people used to throw things at them.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  People used to throw things at who?

• 4:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's so horrible. They throw like coins and horrible things at like

• 4:40Speaker 01

  That's banned in the Premier League.

• 4:43Speaker 04

  But it's like a real case of these, you know, lovely young girls in their costumes and people thinking, well, we don't want them to get too confident.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Knock them down a peg or two.

• 4:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, throw a bit of rock at them. And we wish I hadn't said that, really. Not a great opener for the show.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  We're not going to throw rocks at anyone today.

• 4:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Nor are we going to crown anyone Miss Thanet or Miss Margate.

• 5:05Speaker 04

  No.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  If we did, Dave, look into a badge. I think it's going to be Lou.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  And there's the wink.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  So what have you been up to, dear, since last we had you on? Have you ever been in this studio before?

• 5:18Speaker 04

  Can I just get a quick cough out the way?

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  Thank you. Yeah, I've been in this studio, yeah, loads of times.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:25Speaker 04

  You haven't been in it. I've just broke in. What have I been up to? Well, I got the train in today. There was the most annoying guy on the train. Unbelievable. In a tiny little cap. I think it was a bike cap, a racing cap, but I don't think he'd been on a bike. He was talking so loudly, really getting off on his own. He was loving it.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Getting off on his own trombone?

• 5:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, getting off on his own. He was doing fake music playing as well. He put music on and then started doing the keys and the drums and everything. He was an absolute tool.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Oh, my goodness.

• 5:55Speaker 04

  And he was talking about, he was sort of talking about mergers and AI, big fan of AI. And the marketing team, it went on for 40 minutes. My blood was boiling. And he wanted everyone to hear him. He was such a wally. So I picked up my phone, because he was going, yeah, yeah, AI, duh, duh, duh. I made friends with the man opposite, who's a fan of you and has just read your book. And he said he liked the chapter about me. And then we were both laughing at this, you know, tool across the way. I picked up my phone, pretended I was on the phone, and going, yeah, AI is ruining the world. Yeah, it did. But he didn't hear me. So it's just a bit of fun.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Okay, that's nice. Well, did you make a friend across the, across the old table?

• 6:34Speaker 04

  Made one friend, one enemy.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Oh, that's nice.

• 6:40Speaker 04

  He was so, I mean, I cannot explain to you what a pranny he was. Can you say pranny?

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can say pranny. Actually, Dave, look into it. Might be a Victorian word for a bumhole.

• 6:51Speaker 00

  Which would be fine.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Which would be fine, I would imagine.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  It's fine.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was thinking this downstairs in the cafe, because there are a few loud talkers sometimes sit there with their business planning. And it's a very male feature. It can sometimes be a trait of autism, or I suppose a trait of bad hearing. But it is also a trait of complete twerps.

• 7:13Speaker 04

  But he's like this, he's, his posture's like, he's like, you know, he's loving that everyone's looking at him. And he's thinking everyone's looking at him because he's talking about mergers and like, he's the go-to guy for the AI explanation or whatever. But everyone's looking at him because they're thinking, please, like, I want to punch him in the face. And I'm a spiritual person.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  So did you punch him in the face with your spirit?

• 7:33Speaker 04

  No, I just sort of made fun of him, which isn't very nice. But it was a bit of a laugh from me and the other guy. And also, he didn't hear, so crucially.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  And are you gonna see the other guy again?

• 7:43Speaker 04

  Well, he was good-looking, actually, if he's listening. But maybe a bit small for me.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  He's not listening anymore.

• 7:56Speaker 04

  Quite over. I'm quite, I'm quite a bit, I'm not a small girl. It's more a reflection of me than him. I can't squash, I'd squash him. I can't squash.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  So he was slight.

• 8:08Speaker 04

  I can't squish him. You know, not to jump ahead, but.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  It's interesting, isn't it? Because when I, in my sort of year-long flirtation with a dating app, a lot of women put their height.

• 8:26Speaker 04

  Right.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  Whether, whether they're really tall, or if they're shorter than average.

• 8:30Speaker 04

  Do they?

• 8:31Speaker 01

  It's almost like they got sick of people going like, I can't go out with a tall woman. Or like, because there are men who have that sort of issue.

• 8:38Speaker 04

  I know that women are very unfair on men. And so a lot of men on their dating profiles, they say, don't worry, I'm this tall, you know, with heels, which I really don't, which I really think that's done too much. But, but I think it's unfair. And I would go out with a little fella.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  I wouldn't, I wouldn't say that.

• 8:58Speaker 04

  I would go out with a short one. If the personality was, the personality was big, the guy was short, little, yes.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 9:07Speaker 04

  You know, wave him through. But ideally, I'd want one that I'm not going to squish.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Okay, but you're not going to be squishing anyone.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're not going to have the borrower.

• 9:17Speaker 04

  No, no. Well, you don't know.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Depends, I suppose.

• 9:22Speaker 04

  Now it's time for the wink.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  Well, I've just got back from Hollybob's.

• 9:29Speaker 04

  I was just about to ask, how have you been watching news?

• 9:32Speaker 01

  How have I been? Well, it's always a rollercoaster in the mind, of course. But in the world of the Pembrokeshire coast, absolutely delightful.

• 9:41Speaker 04

  And that's Wales.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  And that's Wales.

• 9:43Speaker 04

  And that's Wales for you.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I swam in the sea twice.

• 9:47Speaker 04

  That's not like you.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  No, and I knew you'd be very pleased, so I sent you videos.

• 9:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're usually a hold the bad guy. And I just think getting in the sea changes day. I wrote a blog about it once.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 9:59Speaker 00

  How cold are we talking?

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Not too bad. Like bracing, but once you're in, you're fine.

• 10:03Speaker 00

  Amazing.

• 10:04Speaker 04

  For you, it's really good, because it does stop the thinking. The colder, the better.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  A hundred percent.

• 10:09Speaker 04

  And the wetter, the better. I always say that about the sea.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  You can't worry when you're looking for little fish. Also, also, the water's so clear and blue. It's like being in the Caribbean.

• 10:21Speaker 04

  Right.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's nuts.

• 10:24Speaker 04

  It's not exactly like being in the Caribbean.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  It really, well, it's better.

• 10:28Speaker 04

  Oh, hello. Did you have a nice swim?

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Yeah. Now do you Welsh accent?

• 10:35Speaker 01

  So like, they have all of these big bays. And it was quite busy in a lot of them, because that's where people go in the summer. But often, like, if you walk down, there's another, like, secret little cove. So you can have a more, sort of, more isolated experience.

• 10:52Speaker 04

  And how much, how much outdoor banging did you do?

• 10:56Speaker 01

  No outdoor banging, because I respect the countryside.

• 10:59Speaker 04

  Oh, right.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  And also, His Royal Highness, King Charles, did not open the British coastal path to see it besmirched by idlers, litterbugs, lollygaggers.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  And sex people.

• 11:19Speaker 04

  Well, did you read his email to his girlfriend at the time about inserting her like a tampon?

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Yes, that was, that was Her Highness Camilla. So.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  And, you know, it shows he is not afraid of a woman's body.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  No, I love, I love it. And also, you know, there's no shame with, you know, women's products, nor should there be. So, you know, right on, actually, King, right on.

• 11:50Speaker 04

  I want to say, right on, Charles.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  How are you feeling, Dave?

• 11:54Speaker 00

  It's interesting.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  It is interesting.

• 11:56Speaker 04

  Dave shrunk, Dave shrunk into himself.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  My little fellow.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  There's nothing technically wrong with anything that's been said, but it is, it's an obstacle course.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  No, it is an obstacle course. And there are people who listen who are quite close to the Royal Family, which.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  Rory Stewart's not going to mind, Dave. He's working his way back through the XFM shows.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  He's a retro wanna.

• 12:17Speaker 04

  We can't bow down to everybody's tastes, you know.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 12:22Speaker 04

  I was on an ITV show and they said, do you like the Royal Family? And everyone said, oh, yeah, lovely. And, you know, I thought, well, there's room for a difference.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 12:32Speaker 04

  Yeah. And so I said, absolutely not.

• 12:36Speaker 04

  No, I've got no, you know, are they lizards?

• 12:41Speaker 01

  And I'm going to say they're not.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  I, I'm going to probably go on the not side.

• 12:46Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  But will we not be negative about His Royal Highness?

• 12:49Speaker 04

  No, I, I think, I said right on, didn't I?

• 12:51Speaker 00

  You did, you did. No, so it's absolutely fine.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  Do you wish you were back on holiday, Dave?

• 12:56Speaker 00

  I'm thinking about it. I'm in Tavira. I've got a lovely pina colada in me.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  She's had a couple of pina coladas in her hand recently.

• 13:05Speaker 04

  Back on Hinge. Can I tell you some of the no-nos on it? Like, it's mad. Like, everybody, so everyone's quite boring, I think. And the amount of men that say, because you can pick your prompts. And one of them is, this year I really want to, what a boring prompt, but anyway, this year I really want to. They've all put, go to Japan. It's like, yeah, book a ticket to Japan, Stephen. It's not hard.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:32Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? They're still doing, oh, let's discuss pineapple on pizza.

• 13:39Speaker 04

  That's 10 years old and no one cared then.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Although one man did subvert it and say, pizza and pineapple. And I thought that was quite nice. And he did then accuse me of bullying him.

• 13:53Speaker 01

  What, in the DMs?

• 13:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, he did accuse me of bullying him. I did apologise. Well, I thought I was being funny. It was a voice note.

• 14:00Speaker 00

  Was it to do with the pizza on the pineapple stuff?

• 14:01Speaker 04

  No, I said, I said, I said, well played on that.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:05Speaker 04

  I threw a compliment, I threw a bone, you know, throw something that he's.

• 14:09Speaker 00

  That you absolutely eviscerated him.

• 14:11Speaker 04

  God, I did. Then I did apologise and then I'm unmatched with him.

• 14:15Speaker 00

  So what are you wanting to see? If, if there is a prompt that says this year I'd like to.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  What are you seeing there? What do you want to see there?

• 14:22Speaker 04

  You just want to have a bit of fun with it. Like, so my pictures, I'll show you, I'll show you actually.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  So what are the prompts and I'll give you my answers and you tell me if they're good.

• 14:30Speaker 04

  Oh, that's a good idea.

• 14:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's nice.

• 14:32Speaker 04

  But I'll just show you the last picture of my profile, because it is a bit of fun. Oh, it's on airplane mode. That's because we're doing radio.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Professional. That's good.

• 14:39Speaker 04

  You surprised?

• 14:42Speaker 04

  I'm professional.

• 14:45Speaker 04

  So that's my profile. And then just at the end there, I've got a picture.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Of Osama bin Laden.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  So why, why is he there?

• 14:53Speaker 04

  Just for a little bit, a little bit of fun.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  A little bit of fun. Yeah, that's the last.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  He does look sultry.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  That's the last picture I was expecting to see there.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  So is the no.

• 15:02Speaker 04

  Because a lot of women put their bikini shots. I've gone in a different direction.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  You have, you have. No one else has gone in that direction.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  Okay. So should I do your prompts then, John?

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 15:12Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 15:15Speaker 04

  A random fact I love is.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Longest escalator on the underground is Angel.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  He looks fair now.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  He's not wrong. He's not wrong.

• 15:28Speaker 04

  I'm not winking at that.

• 15:32Speaker 04

  This year I really want to.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Burst into flames.

• 15:37Speaker 04

  My simple pleasures are.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Silence.

• 15:41Speaker 04

  I put Carol Vorderman.

• 15:46Speaker 04

  Dave, do you want any?

• 15:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. Can I give you my fact? Interesting fact.

• 15:50Speaker 04

  Yes, please.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  My great aunt was the bird of ecstasy on the front of the Rolls Royces. The model.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  No way!

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  That's a great fact.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  It's a great fact. Great, great aunt, Auntie Byrne. She, she lay on glass. Must have been early night, maybe late 1800s, early 1900s. I can't remember when she would have done this. And yeah, she was the first, she was one of the first models that then became the, the winged, the winged bird.

• 16:15Speaker 04

  Was she a model? Was that her job?

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. I bet she didn't see Penny won for that.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  I bet she didn't. I bet she didn't. But she's getting talked about on a, on a fairly decent podcast in 2026.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  She's immortal.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:26Speaker 04

  She might be reincarnated as a little, little dog or something.

• 16:29Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 16:32Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 16:34Speaker 04

  Select a prompt. Here we go. Hinge would like to access the camera. No, I don't.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Go on, then.

• 16:41Speaker 04

  No. Where would you go as a first date? I think that's a prompt. I can't really get the prompts up. Where would you go as a first date? That's not a fun one. Wait there.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  Where would you go, Dave?

• 16:51Speaker 00

  Where would it go? Oh, Thorpe Park. Lovely.

• 16:54Speaker 04

  That's nice.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  Getting to know you, two truths and a lie. Well, should I read out a few and you see what you both want to answer? Two truths and a lie, I go crazy for my simple pleasures.

• 17:08Speaker 04

  Okay. Dave, I'm weirdly attracted to.

• 17:13Speaker 00

  Oh. Weirdly attracted to, weirdly attracted to, a good forearm.

• 17:23Speaker 04

  Oh, and a lady.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  Either.

• 17:25Speaker 04

  Either, that's nice. Yeah. Well, your good wife has got.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, John's got good arms.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Oh, sorry, Dave.

• 17:31Speaker 04

  You've got good veins.

• 17:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  Thanks, everyone.

• 17:33Speaker 04

  Yeah. Your wife has got an absolutely lovely forearm because she's got, well, you can't really say that these days, actually. I'll shut up now.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  What can you say?

• 17:42Speaker 04

  She's got, she's absolutely, she's a knockout.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can say that.

• 17:47Speaker 04

  Well, I was going to say she's got a lovely body, which I don't think.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  You can say, you can say, it's a nice.

• 17:52Speaker 00

  She would love to hear that, Lou.

• 17:53Speaker 04

  She has, and I asked her how she got it.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  Did you? She will absolutely love that.

• 17:57Speaker 04

  I said, Hannah, you've got to tell me she's got amazing arms. I said, where did you get that? I forgot what she said, Pilates? Something like that. No.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  Swimming.

• 18:04Speaker 04

  Swimming, that's it. I thought I'm not interested in that.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  No.

• 18:07Speaker 04

  But she has got a lovely arm. But I think some of it's genetic.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  Yes, but that's fine. You can say that.

• 18:12Speaker 04

  Well, she's got a lovely body.

• 18:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, great. Hannah, there you go.

• 18:15Speaker 04

  Also, I won't stop saying it now.

• 18:18Speaker 00

  So that's, yeah, not weird, not even weird attraction, just I think a good forearm is, is.

• 18:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Good place to start.

• 18:25Speaker 04

  Some men like a big calf, I've been told.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't mind a calf either.

• 18:30Speaker 04

  Do you like a big calf, John?

• 18:32Speaker 01

  I didn't ever really given calves much thought.

• 18:34Speaker 04

  No. Okay, John, I won't shut up about.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  HS2.

• 18:41Speaker 04

  What's HS2?

• 18:42Speaker 00

  Don't get, don't get him or the listeners started.

• 18:44Speaker 04

  Oh, God. Okay, John.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  It's a capacity issue. That's all you need to know.

• 18:49Speaker 04

  This is a good one for John. Dating me is like.

• 18:52Speaker 01

  Hell.

• 18:55Speaker 00

  No.

• 18:56Speaker 04

  I've started tapping my little foot on the floor when I enjoy something like a dog, like a donkey.

• 19:03Speaker 04

  I'm expressing myself.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  Very good. So who would you date out of me and Dave? I want to burst into flames.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  No, I'd definitely date Dave. Are you mad?

• 19:12Speaker 01

  He wants to go to Thorpe Park.

• 19:13Speaker 04

  Yeah. Dave is like, like fun. Because people tell you everything with their answers, even when they're being fun.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  But isn't it fun that, like, someone, if you read and someone genuinely said this year I want to burst into flames, that would be funny, wouldn't it? It's better than going pineapple on pizza.

• 19:30Speaker 04

  Followed by dating me is like hell. I would be like, I, I would have to.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  Get your red flags up front and centre. Yes.

• 19:39Speaker 04

  But then, then, then it's like, oh yeah, that's my fault. He gave me everything.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:54Speaker 05

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• 20:29Speaker 06

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• 21:02Speaker 01

  So let's find out what Lou's been up to recently in our brand new feature, Lou sues again.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  Okay, I'm looking forward to this.

• 21:18Speaker 04

  Lou sues.

• 21:21Speaker 04

  Lou sues.

• 21:26Speaker 04

  I got the information for that jingle for me. Inspirational.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  So should we give the listeners a bit of context?

• 21:31Speaker 04

  No, no, no, no, no, no. I am making a stand against late-stage capitalism by taking things back. Yes, Mr. Big spender is now Mr. Return to sender, and that includes men. Not dating, that's actually going very well. My light is back on and it's shining so bright that I've blinded all the men in Kent because they can see how fit I am because they have no eyes. I'm the original eclipse. I did actually look at the eclipse straight in through, like, straight at it, and I'm absolutely fine. So I guess another conspiracy unveiled. No, I'm talking about tradesmen who take all your money and cannot or will not or have not done the job. Why so many? Why so many? Recently, my swimming pond was

• 22:16Speaker 04

  toxic because of the large amounts of concrete leaking into it. And crucially, it didn't have any walls. So what do I do?

• 22:30Speaker 04

  So what do I do? Lou sues again. I've got an irrigation system that has 16 leaks and counting, and they've used all the wrong fittings, which won't last the winter. And I gave them £6,000. What do I do? Lou sues again. Someone unmatched with me on Hinge. So what do I do?

• 22:54Speaker 04

  Come on, Michael. Lou sues again.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  Why are you suing someone for matching your Hinge?

• 23:00Speaker 04

  Unmatched with me. Someone unmatched with me on Hinge. So what do I do? Jingle. Now, Michael, keep your finger over the button, won't you?

• 23:11Speaker 00

  It's not as agile a system as you'd think.

• 23:13Speaker 04

  Lou sues again. They'll have to edit that together, surely to God, right? So that won't sound so awkward.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  We'll do as much as we feel we need to.

• 23:20Speaker 04

  No, it's safe. You will be editing that. Okay, lessons I've learned. So you don't have to. Always measure your mattress while you order a new one, because I ordered a king-size mattress three different times. They sent me a double. Fooled me once, fooled me twice. Yes, I swapped it thrice, times with the same company before changing suppliers, but they won't fool me a fourth time because the company's gone under. Another lesson, do not hire a man to create a pond on the recommendation of your beautician. So that's on me. So is the pond. The deconstruction and the reconstruction of the new pond and the first pond. If you're worried about complaining because you are a woman living on your own, remember these men are extremely lazy and barely turned up when you were paying them. So they're

• 24:05Speaker 04

  not going to end up outside your house. If you're really worried, get a cardboard cut out of the rock, whack it in the window. But my motto is always complain and always explain. Things the tradesmen should have learnt. Their job.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:21Speaker 04

  Lou sues again.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  So.

• 24:27Speaker 04

  Okay, that was awkward, but I think it will be edited together now.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  That's good. That's absolutely fine.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  So you've had a time of it with the local trades folk?

• 24:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  And I.

• 24:37Speaker 04

  And I say tradesmen, I know women can be tradeswomen. And I have had a lot of tradeswomen through the door. And guess what they haven't done? Ripped me off. And guess what they have done? The job.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Which is good when you're asking them to repaint the same room so many times.

• 24:52Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  So you've had a time with the local tradesmen, and I swam in your toxic pond.

• 25:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, it wouldn't have been that toxic at that point because.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  How toxic are we talking?

• 25:05Speaker 04

  No, it wouldn't have been toxic at all, but the concrete was just a sort of problem waiting to happen. So, you know.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  So it's a clash of cultures, really, because a few weeks ago, I was talking to Ellis and Dave, effusing about your approach and how it gathers results.

• 25:22Speaker 04

  No, I did hear that. And I did, and that was why I was so upset that the pond had to be dismantled.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it was like, the next day, I called, we spoke on the phone, and I said, you know, I love, because my approach, the call-in approach, as you call it, is to plan so much and Google so much and research so much that you end up in a sort of paralysis and never do the thing.

• 25:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Yours is, my beautician knows a guy who does ponds. Let's give him £10,000.

• 25:52Speaker 04

  I'm ever the optimist. And I'm always like, oh, this has come into my life because this is the thing. But I have learnt from this, and I think split the difference between this, because you've not.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  That's the thing.

• 26:02Speaker 04

  The thing is, you've lived in your house for how many years?

• 26:06Speaker 01

  10.

• 26:06Speaker 04

  10 years. Everything's magnolia. You've painted one wall once, the same colour, magnolia. So I do think there's.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  It's a classic look.

• 26:15Speaker 04

  There's an opportunity for, yeah, I did do this wrong. I've renovated the whole house, and I've only had a few different things. So I've done two small claims court.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  Have you?

• 26:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  What does it like in the small claim? Have you, are these in progress?

• 26:32Speaker 04

  They're in progress, yeah. They weren't in progress. I thought they were, and they weren't, because I hadn't paid the fee. I didn't realise. So I went back in. So I hope I've done all the paperwork right.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  So there we go. That was Lou sues again.

• 26:43Speaker 04

  It is a laugh, isn't it?

• 26:45Speaker 01

  We have a laugh, don't we?

• 26:46Speaker 00

  We do have a laugh.

• 26:47Speaker 04

  But I do still think you shouldn't stop doing things. I just think I can do a bit more research. I think split the difference. Like, I shouldn't have hired a pond guy that the beautician said about. There's never hired him to do a pond. That's, that's.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. You want someone with a track record of successful pond installations.

• 27:03Speaker 04

  That is staring me in the, you know, beautified face.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  And you've now got that person.

• 27:11Speaker 04

  No. Actually, can I do a shout out for a builder?

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Who knows how to build walls?

• 27:17Speaker 04

  Can I do a shout out for someone to dig out the rest of the pond? A builder.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Well, you've not got the, who's overseeing the deconstruction of the pond?

• 27:27Speaker 04

  This is a problem me. Yeah, this is, I'm the site manager. That's a nightmare.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  Good God.

• 27:33Speaker 04

  I'm whistling, I'm whistling at myself.

• 27:38Speaker 04

  Oi, oi. Shut up. Have you heard of feminism? That's me to myself. But also, there was a guy that said, there was, there was this guy that said, there's a man who's bought a second-hand fire truck. He wasn't a fireman. He bought a second-hand fire truck on eBay, and he's got a well of water, and he fills up ponds from his well of water. The water quality is really good. But I can't find this guy anywhere, so I give a shout out to him as well.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. So just to summarise, if you own a fire truck in the Thanet area, and you use your own private well.

• 28:11Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  To fill people's ponds, it sounds like a children's story.

• 28:14Speaker 04

  It's very specific.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  You'd think it'd be easy to Google.

• 28:18Speaker 04

  No, no, no. I put shout outs everywhere. Can't find it.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  It sounds more like a sort of a myth.

• 28:24Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Used to scare children.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  If you've got a WhatsApp, like a neighbourhood WhatsApp group, someone's got to be aware of the hose guy.

• 28:31Speaker 04

  I know. I put it on the Facebook group for Thanet, everything, you know.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  The Lou sues again jingle has been through a few iterations over the past couple of days. Revision's being made as late as 7pm yesterday evening, according to producer Michael. Probably trying to clock off and spend some time with his family.

• 28:47Speaker 04

  He lives for it.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  He blumming loves it. He blumming loves editing a jingle. So we started off with a lullaby version of the jingle. Let's listen to the lullaby version.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  Yes, it is.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  Oh, it's a bit mini ripper to it.

• 29:07Speaker 04

  Mini ripper to it.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  Good stuff.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  That's lovely. That's really sweet.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  That's nice. Well, if you thought that was sweet.

• 29:20Speaker 04

  She is in the bag.

• 29:22Speaker 00

  You know what, that was sweet, John. Lou then asked kids of some of her friends to sing a version.

• 29:27Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, they love the show. You know Sally, John?

• 29:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:30Speaker 04

  Sally's kids, Seb and Emmy.

• 29:33Speaker 01

  Hi, Seb. Hi, Emmy.

• 29:34Speaker 04

  Well, they made the jingle with...

• 29:37Speaker 01

  And we didn't use it?

• 29:40Speaker 04

  Well, they made it.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  Sorry, Seb. Sorry, Emmy.

• 29:43Speaker 04

  And also some other kids.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  We're too busy slandering tradesmen to use the jingle you sent in.

• 29:50Speaker 04

  Delia and Seth. They made, they're friends, their little friends, Delia and Seth. But we didn't use it because they were late and I told them, you're not getting any payment.

• 30:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. There was a deadline.

• 30:01Speaker 04

  Not even sweets, because it's bad for you. There was a deadline. They missed it. So that's what happens.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  That's on them.

• 30:06Speaker 04

  That's on them. But do you want to hear it?

• 30:07Speaker 01

  Do we hear it?

• 30:07Speaker 00

  We absolutely do. Of course, we hear it. Here we go.

• 30:11Speaker 05

  Lou Sues Again. Lou Sues Again. Lou Sues Again.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  It's good stuff.

• 30:22Speaker 04

  Oh, it's glorious, isn't it?

• 30:24Speaker 01

  It's interesting that the three options, we chose the worst one.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  But that's what happens when you're on a clock.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  This is it. And we've had the fun. And of course, the worst amount. Do you want to hear the outtakes, John?

• 30:37Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  Let's have a little, let's enjoy the outtakes.

• 30:42Speaker 04

  I can't sing. Lou Sues Again. Oh, God, it's so bad. Hang on. Lou. Oh, God, it's so embarrassing. Hang on. I've got to not think about it. Lou Sues Again. Lou Sues Again. Any interest in that one? I've made it really unlikable. Lou Sues Again. Is that in the right key? What is it key? Lou Sues Again. Okay, that's really good. Do you think now Dolly Parton's died, I've sort of got her voice?

• 31:25Speaker 01

  A wink would be good now, dear.

• 31:28Speaker 04

  I haven't got it in me. Myself, myself. You know Dolly Parton, well, obviously, it's so sad. I love Dolly Parton so much.

• 31:37Speaker 00

  Everyone loves Dolly.

• 31:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, but also I was going to call my new show, I Beg Your Dolly Pardon. And it was about Dolly Parton.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  I think you can do that now.

• 31:45Speaker 04

  Really, yeah. Homage to...

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, definitely. More so than ever. Now, a little bit of correspondence for us to go through, dear. I'll give you some context. The first is from the wife, or the partner, the fiancee of Hugo. She's called Lily. And Hugo got in touch with the show to say he is walking or travelling from Land's End to John O'Groats, playing a round of golf every day until he shoots under par for the first time in his life. He's a seven handicap. And I suggested on air, well, Ellis suggested that he was divorced, clearly, and was going through something of a crisis. And I said it would never happen. So obviously, his fiancee's got

• 32:29Speaker 01

  in touch to put us right on a few things. And she says, Dear Ellis and John, I hope you both well. I'm writing in in order to correct the record and clear up some misinformation, which I fear may have been spread by your last episode. The information relates to the story you told about the travelling golfer Hugo, who was camping the length of the UK in a quest to reach par. Particular concern to me was your suggestion that he may be divorced and therefore on the market. Whilst I can see how one might draw that conclusion, I regret to inform your listeners that he's not in fact single, quite the opposite. He's newly engaged. I know this because I hope to marry Hugo in 11 months' time. I felt it important that, however appealing the prospect of a homeless golfer may be to the women of rural Scotland, they ought to know the true state of play. This leads me to

• 33:13Speaker 01

  my second concern. In your last episode, you said you thought that Hugo would not in fact achieve the goal of scoring par. Hugo, ever the optimist, did in fact market the potential trip to me as hopefully a brief one. Given that my own golfing career didn't extend much further beyond our courtship phase, in my naivety, I believed him. Whilst he has my unwavering support, I want to know how long you think this will really take. Do you think he'll be back in time for our wedding? Do you have any suggestions as to how I might pass the time while he's gone? From Lily, the concerned fiancee of Hugo. Well, everyone, Hugo is off the market.

• 33:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:47Speaker 01

  If you were looking for a camping man playing golf every day.

• 33:51Speaker 04

  And I'm not.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  But to Lily's second concern, how long you think it might take, I've, I've watched Hugo's videos, watching them religiously.

• 34:04Speaker 04

  Are you?

• 34:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's quite far behind on uploading the old vids. Because I think he's on about round 25.

• 34:10Speaker 04

  Probably all that banging he's doing.

• 34:15Speaker 04

  Just kidding, Lily. That was a joke.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  Just kidding, Lily. And so I think he's up to round 11 on Instagram. And he's had a few good nines. He's been under par on a couple of nines.

• 34:28Speaker 04

  Sorry, what does under par mean? Because it sounds like you're failing.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, so that's true.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  It's a strange quirk of the language. So a golf course has a number of shots which it should take to go around, and that's called par, usually about 70, 71, 72. Hugo is off seven handicap, which means he usually goes round about sort of eight or nine over par.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  Though that's quite a complex system, so I won't go into that. So he's trying to go round in par for the first time in his life. I suggested that wouldn't happen. To answer your question, Lily, I, having watched Hugo...

• 35:07Speaker 04

  Sorry, I thought you were going to answer my question first.

• 35:12Speaker 00

  Well, that's as clear as day, Lou.

• 35:15Speaker 04

  I think I zoned out then.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  So say the golf course is a par 72.

• 35:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Hugo's trying to take 72 shots to go round.

• 35:21Speaker 04

  Got it. Got it.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  No, he's actually going to try and do 71.

• 35:24Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. Which is really good.

• 35:27Speaker 04

  But that's not going to happen, is it?

• 35:28Speaker 01

  I don't think it is, but...

• 35:30Speaker 04

  I can see Lily's concern. If a man who was newly engaged to me and then said, I'm just going to go off to do this impossible thing and I'll be back once I've done it, if you know, go.

• 35:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  The problem is, I suppose, he needs every single star to align. He needs to have like a worldly day. And I've watched his videos and he's capable of it and his handicap is coming down. His swing is absolutely atrocious. But that doesn't matter. That's not a problem. So like Jim Furyk's swing is mad. He's one of the best golfers ever. And he shot the lowest ever score in the history of golf. So that's not a problem. I mean, he, he's a bit like Scotty Scheffler. He, he, he comes off, he like comes off his swing. It's like he's on his back foot too much. He overbalances. But, you know, who am I to say? He's much

• 36:23Speaker 01

  better golfer than me. I think what will happen, Lily, is he will end up having to sort of fake it in the edit. But fair play to him. He's not doing that thus far.

• 36:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  Also, I'm assuming he's playing all these rounds with someone because if he's playing on his own, the score don't count.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  It's not.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  Not officially, no.

• 36:42Speaker 04

  I think Lily should get herself on Hinge, line up another one just in case, and do put a picture of a, you know, suicide bomber in her picture.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Lily could, could go to the golf courses in advance. And when he hits a shot towards the hole, she could sort of scuttle on and pop it in the hole.

• 36:59Speaker 04

  Oh, that's good. That's really good.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  He keeps finding his ball in the hole.

• 37:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's really good.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  And she gets her man back.

• 37:06Speaker 04

  Yes, but there's more dignity in the first option.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  Have you ever seen John play golf?

• 37:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, he, he taught me and my friend Sally, who's the mother of those children. Sally was really good. Sally was amazing at golf, wasn't she? For a first time. She was...

• 37:22Speaker 01

  Yes, for a first time, yeah, very consistent.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  But talking of finding things weirdly attractive, John is never sexier than when he takes a big old swing over.

• 37:30Speaker 04

  Can I say what I realised when we played golf together? So a few months before that, or maybe six months before that, we had been surfing together.

• 37:37Speaker 00

  It was just you and John?

• 37:38Speaker 04

  Me and John, in Costa Rica. Now, some people, because whenever you're friends with someone and you're both sort of hetero, and it's a boy and a girl, people say, oh, what, why aren't those two together? So lots of people said about me and John, why aren't we together? I'll tell you why we're not.

• 37:57Speaker 04

  Costa Rica surfing. Lovely local guy looks at John. John's got his Crocs on to surf, his bright coloured Crocs and some goggles.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  But is that not bad for grip, maybe?

• 38:10Speaker 04

  Well, the young guy who was a surfer just took him in. He could not believe what he was witnessing. This white guy, little belly, Crocs on, goggles, goggles to surf, goggles. He goes...

• 38:23Speaker 00

  It makes perfect sense.

• 38:26Speaker 04

  If you looked at this image, it did not make any sense, right? He looks at me, he looks at John, he goes, are you two together? I said, no. Then he goes to John, you're not going to need your Crocs surfing. And he went, I will, I've got an arthritic toe.

• 38:41Speaker 04

  Then he goes, please, you're not going to need your goggles, please. And John went, I'll need my goggles. So then he goes in, he just, well, I think you talked about it on the radio, you did your one, you once surf.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  What was he wearing?

• 38:55Speaker 00

  Just trunks.

• 38:56Speaker 04

  Well, just trunks, the Crocs and some goggles. He looked absolutely insane. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a waterproof bum bag on.

• 39:06Speaker 04

  And then, so I was like, well, obviously we're not compatible at all. Then we went, well, we knew that anyway, didn't we, dear? But, you know, then for John, you know, he sees me golfing, sort of like, um, a pig on drugs.

• 39:25Speaker 04

  Rolling around, trying to, trying to get a grip on the, you know, absolutely hideous business. You know, John's looking at me, no finesse, no, you know, John's been out with some lovely ladies who just have got that breeding where they can golf, something in them. They, they, you give them a golf stick, they know what to do. It's in the genes, you know.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  It's hockey, it's netball, it's tennis.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  It's hand eye.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  It's hand eye.

• 39:49Speaker 04

  It's not a dyspraxic.

• 39:53Speaker 04

  But yeah, so I think that, um.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  But the, the, we are leaving.

• 39:57Speaker 04

  But I was very good at surfing.

• 39:58Speaker 01

  You're leaving one thing out of the story.

• 40:00Speaker 04

  Right.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  Which is when he took us out to surf.

• 40:03Speaker 04

  Yeah. No, you weren't good, John. Don't say that.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 40:07Speaker 04

  I was really good.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  I got on the first time and sailed all the way to the shore.

• 40:12Speaker 04

  John, you clambered up, when he was doing the bit on the sand, where you had to jump on the board.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  It does not sound like a couple of bickering.

• 40:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, when you had to do the bit on the sand where you clambered up onto the board. It was like a sort of someone's mum looking for their earrings.

• 40:26Speaker 04

  Unbelievable. Whereas me, I was a bit of a natural. So I'm disco, I'm, I'm not coordinated. I am really, really dyspraxic, but for some reason I'm okay at surfing. I'm not amazing.

• 40:38Speaker 01

  She comes alive in the waves.

• 40:39Speaker 04

  And I'm, I'm good at snowboarding, but I'm bad at everything. No, I'm bad at roller skating.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  You're not bad at roller skating.

• 40:45Speaker 04

  Someone tells me to do something and I move that, like if someone says move this arm, my other leg will twitch or something. It's terrible. But for some reason I can do those two things, whereas John is good all rounder. So we just, we just miss each other.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  But the reason it went so badly is because he said, when you're sailing along on it, jump off when you get to the end. But I didn't get to the end because I stayed on it all the way to the shore. Then I jumped flat on my face on the beach.

• 41:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, but one, he gave you a really big floatable board.

• 41:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:13Speaker 04

  Because he didn't want to look at you in your goggles and your shoes. And he's like, we'll get the biggest board that we can.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  It was like an aircraft carrier.

• 41:19Speaker 04

  It was just, you hit one wave and you couldn't jump off. That was just, you stood up for a bit.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Born to surf.

• 41:26Speaker 04

  But you were like this.

• 41:30Speaker 01

  You've got a photo of me in my Crocs. We can put it on the carousel.

• 41:32Speaker 04

  Have I?

• 41:33Speaker 01

  Well, you took one, yeah. I remember vividly.

• 41:37Speaker 00

  Great.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  So if you scroll back to Costa Rica on your phone, we can put it on the carousel.

• 41:41Speaker 04

  I must have, yeah. But this is why we're absolutely dear friends, isn't it, John?

• 41:46Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 41:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's gorgeous, but not, you know.

• 41:49Speaker 01

  Now, I, um, you might not have heard this, but I left, I accidentally took my sister's phone from, uh, Family Do. In fact, I spoke to you about it off, off air. So we've had a couple of messages from people who have left things behind. This is from Julius. I write to tell you a story about a very good friend of mine back home in Oz and what you would go back for. She and two of her siblings were with their mum at the shops in rural New South Wales. Two of them were early primary school age and the third was a young child in a pram. Being normal young children, they of course were, in their eyes, fun and boisterous angels, but to their frazzled and tired mum, they were in need of the classic, if you don't stop mucking about, I'll leave you behind.

• 42:30Speaker 01

  This made the children much quieter, so much so that after around 30 minutes of their journey home, their mum, mum thought, wow, that worked. It's awfully quiet.

• 42:39Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  She then turned around to look at the kids in the backseat and realised, there were only two.

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Where is your little sister? She asked. The children dutifully replied that, you said if you, we misbehaved, you would leave us behind. We saw that you left the baby, so we were too scared to say anything.

• 42:56Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  This was, of course, long before mobile phones and it being rural New South Wales meant that there wasn't a house or a phone nearby. So it was straight back to the shop to find the little baby safe and sound.

• 43:07Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  The children continued to behave, but in later years would often remind their mum that she once left her baby in a shop. Love the show, Julius. You must have left a few things in your time, dear.

• 43:19Speaker 04

  That's so awful. Can you imagine?

• 43:21Speaker 01

  Oh, the shame, the fear, oh, that half hour. Can you imagine that half hour?

• 43:27Speaker 04

  Oh God.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  You'd be going nuts.

• 43:29Speaker 04

  That's so sad.

• 43:30Speaker 00

  I suppose with a baby though, obviously it's, you're not going to have a fear like it. You've left your baby.

• 43:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:38Speaker 00

  At the same time.

• 43:40Speaker 04

  I thought you said a fear to like it, and I think you meant that because the car's so quiet, because of the baby.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  No, a fear, but I think the maj, the baby will usually be fine, right? I mean, if it's in a shop, it's going to get taken in by one of the customer assistants.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 00

  Usually.

• 43:56Speaker 04

  No, someone like a local. Local weirdo. I mean.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  The imagination doesn't have usually.

• 44:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it doesn't.

• 44:04Speaker 01

  I mean, at least with the orchids, Dave, you've got Lila, who's Lila.

• 44:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  And she, she was first, so you know her the best. And obviously the other two are twins, so there's always two of them.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  So have I got Lila, have I got the twins? It's an easy check.

• 44:18Speaker 00

  It's just like having two children, really.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  But you would notice if, if either the one I know really well's gone.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  I know all my kids are all right.

• 44:26Speaker 01

  There's only half of the pair.

• 44:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:28Speaker 01

  That's a problem.

• 44:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Whereas if you had a sort of an eight, a six and a three, I don't know which one's which.

• 44:34Speaker 00

  I see what you mean. I see what you mean. Yeah, it's tricky old business.

• 44:37Speaker 04

  Oh God, I did leave my suitcase actually in Edinburgh, uh, a couple of weeks ago.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 44:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, I did a gig in North Berwick, beautiful North Berwick, isn't it stunning? And then I left my case, I thought, well, I won't leave the case. I put it in the luggage bit and I thought, oh, probably should have that with me in case I lose it. And I thought, I'm not going to lose my case, what an idiot. And then I left, just left it there. And then they found it and they, it was in Edinburgh because that's where you change over trains. But luckily the Edinburgh Festival was going on. So, oh, I hope Luke picked it up. Actually, I must, actually, do you mind if I just quickly say something? Because he hasn't mentioned it. Oh, that was ages ago. I didn't know we did pick it up. That's really good, um, because otherwise you have to pay per day. So it's been there a couple of weeks. Did you get my suitcase, dear? Sorry about this.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  That's all right. Well, we'll find out live on air.

• 45:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  Hi everyone, it's Katie Couric and on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households. Yet many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Ask a financial professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  Oh, I've got some, do you want some, do you want a present?

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, always. Who doesn't want a present? Actually, I often don't want presents.

• 46:45Speaker 00

  No.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  I often say no presents.

• 46:47Speaker 00

  You do.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Just backs me or nothing.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  Okay, I'll leave the present. I forget what I said.

• 46:52Speaker 04

  Hang on, a present's being dished out.

• 46:54Speaker 00

  Well, I went to Portugal. I don't know whether either of you two can consume these actually, but.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Is it a hogsier?

• 47:00Speaker 00

  It's very famous Portuguese cuisine, pasta del nata.

• 47:03Speaker 01

  Oh, but they're not from Portugal though, are they?

• 47:05Speaker 00

  No, I got them from Sainsbury's at the end of the road, but, but it's the thought, isn't it, John?

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Thank you, Dave. I love pasta del nata.

• 47:13Speaker 00

  I ate so many of these in Portugal.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Were they better in Portugal than here?

• 47:18Speaker 00

  No, do you know what? I think, I think, yeah, they're being cooked fresh from Sainos.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  They're all right.

• 47:23Speaker 01

  There used to be a pasta del nata shop in Baker Street Station, which did different flavours ones. It's bloody closed down.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Different flavours of pasta, like what?

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Salted caramel, chocolate, raspberry, blueberry, vegan.

• 47:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, sorry. As I bought them, I thought, do you know what, Lou's not going to be able to.

• 47:39Speaker 04

  No, that's okay.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  But you can look at them.

• 47:41Speaker 04

  It's a bit early for me.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Dave, I'll do that thing they do on Rest Is Politics. Okay, so we'll take a break and we'll have more questions from the Prime Minister of Estonia when we get back.

• 47:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  And then we do play Fuse Energy and stuff. We make loads of money.

• 47:58Speaker 00

  It's not so they can eat pastas del nata's in front of the Prime Minister, I don't think.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Yes, the Prime Minister loves a, I bet Burnham loves a pasta, pasta del nata.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  He didn't have it on his rider, for all my friends.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  What was it, just four cans?

• 48:09Speaker 00

  He did book, yeah, actually. He had a great time. Oh, um, can I tell a little thing about Portugal, actually, whilst we're in Portugal world?

• 48:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  So the past olden attes are there. Guess what else happened in Portugal? Which is just really cool. So about 12 years ago, because me and Hannah go to Portugal quite a lot.

• 48:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Because her parents, very fortunately, have a place out there.

• 48:31Speaker 04

  Oh, that's nice.

• 48:31Speaker 00

  So it's really nice. So we've kind of got a long history. We're walking past a brick wall as we come back from a meal the other night. And we thought, do you know what? We put a coin in that wall about 12 years ago.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  I've read about this. It's damaging all the environment.

• 48:44Speaker 04

  Don't make me feel bad about this.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  In Northern Ireland, they'd spend like 200 grand getting all these coins out of the Giants causeway.

• 48:52Speaker 04

  Oh, you can't do anything these days.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  You can see it. You can't, can you?

• 48:56Speaker 04

  No. Tell me your lovely story.

• 48:57Speaker 00

  So there's a sign on the wall.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:00Speaker 00

  In the middle of the O, about 12 years ago, me and Hannah put a little 20 cents coin in the middle of the O. You can see the little hole in the centre that Hannah's pointing at.

• 49:07Speaker 04

  Can I see?

• 49:08Speaker 00

  So we thought, well, give it a go. So you see there, that little hole?

• 49:11Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:12Speaker 00

  It's just in a big sign that's on the wall. So we thought, there's no chance. Anyway, we just removed that little rock that you can see. And the 20 cents coin was there from 12 years ago.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  But please, if you're listening, don't do that.

• 49:24Speaker 00

  But it was a nice moment.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  And you removed it yourself and left a nice little hole in the wall.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  We put it back and then we put a little bit of stone in afterwards.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  Please respect the country's leave only footprints. Take only memories.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  And 20 cents here and there. Anyone?

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Those bridges in Paris where everyone put the locks on, they're to cut them all off because the bridges were getting too heavy.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  This is money in a wall. This is the original hole in the wall, John.

• 49:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, express yourself. And if you do know any builders, do give us a shout. In the Kent area.

• 50:00Speaker 01

  Now, it's time to enter the ring fenced zone.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  Oh, yes.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  We have a ring fenced zone, dear.

• 50:05Speaker 04

  I've no idea what this is. And I do listen to the show.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  It's a walled garden.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  It is a walled garden. I went to a walled garden in Wales.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  Did you? What is a wall? I mean, I can't, it's kind of in what it's.

• 50:16Speaker 01

  It's everything you imagine from the phrase walled garden.

• 50:19Speaker 04

  So just a garden with a wall around.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:20Speaker 04

  God, we're stuck for things to do.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  The Victorians were big into them.

• 50:26Speaker 04

  Right. Got it.

• 50:27Speaker 01

  Because it gives a bit of shade, light and shade. And you'd have loved it. They grew their own squash. They grew their own raspberries. They grew their own melons.

• 50:35Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 50:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, in a melon forcing pit.

• 50:38Speaker 04

  I'm growing my own melon over, I know, in a winky.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  Dave, I want that clipped up because I want to listen to that every day for the rest of my life.

• 50:50Speaker 04

  Horrible.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Whatever that was, I want that.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  I kind of understood it though, weirdly. I kind of understood the sentiment.

• 50:57Speaker 04

  He's like, I'm growing a couple of melons of myself, if you know what I mean, winky.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Then you say winky at the end.

• 51:04Speaker 04

  Actually, I've got so many tomatoes. I don't know what to do with them. I'm trying to give them away to like a homeless charity, but they don't take fresh produce. Goodness me. Another reason why we're not together.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  Oh, that. That's the thing that I found weirdly attractive. Oh, not that.

• 51:22Speaker 04

  Apple. Apple.

• 51:25Speaker 01

  Oh, we get along, don't we? We find a way.

• 51:29Speaker 04

  But yeah, I've got so many tomatoes. I'm making tomato sauce every day.

• 51:32Speaker 01

  Oh, she made tomato soup. It's delicious.

• 51:35Speaker 04

  Well, I'm making this tomato sauce that you boil, you simmer for two hours with garlic and basil and a bit of vinegar, a bit of sugar. And you just, every day I'm making a vat of this stuff and then freezing it. So I'm in my prepping era as well, but.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  So this is the part of the show.

• 51:52Speaker 04

  Oh, you've heard enough about tomato.

• 51:55Speaker 01

  This is the part of the show where we give great recipe advice, but we also talk about our Patreon content.

• 52:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, love it.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  So, Dave.

• 52:03Speaker 00

  That's where the money is, isn't it? That's where the money is. No, well, hey, listen, we're very appreciative of the support on Patreon, of course.

• 52:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:10Speaker 00

  And within this walled garden of content, we can say a couple of things that we can't say elsewhere.

• 52:15Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 52:16Speaker 00

  Being, in this instance, we gave away the Todgers reg plate from last month's driving test adventure.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 52:26Speaker 00

  Which you can watch in full on Patreon, of course, along with a load of other wonderful adventures. And we can announce that Chris won the reg plate.

• 52:34Speaker 01

  Chris who, Dave?

• 52:35Speaker 00

  Uh, Chris.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  There's more than one Chris. A lot of Chris is getting very excited right now.

• 52:40Speaker 04

  Chris Todger, I imagine now.

• 52:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's going to change his name.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  To Chris Todgers.

• 52:45Speaker 00

  Chris has been alerted. Chris on Instagram actually did write the word Todgers because that was the keyword that we needed people to message. So he's won the, the signs number plate and it's given us a few other ideas of what we can give away in future from the adventures eps, I believe.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Have we announced what the next adventures ep is?

• 53:02Speaker 00

  We announce on Tuesday.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  So, okay. Well, maybe I can show Lou what we made on Tuesday.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can, yeah.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  And that can be the announcement.

• 53:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So the next, I know for the next adventures of Ellis and John will be on Tuesday's release.

• 53:15Speaker 04

  Can they put that on their car? That number plate? Like legally on our?

• 53:19Speaker 01

  Not legally, that number plate, because it needs to have the postcode of the issuing authority on. However, it does, it is using the right font because you can't use, I've said this once, I've said this a thousand times. You can't use unofficial fonts on number plates, e.g. italics.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  E.g. bubble writing.

• 53:39Speaker 04

  No, of course, that'd be bad.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  But people do do it.

• 53:42Speaker 00

  I wonder what Todgers would cost.

• 53:44Speaker 04

  Oh, well, I can give you some idea.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  Todgers isn't available.

• 53:58Speaker 04

  Welcome to my life.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  She's on a roll here.

• 54:06Speaker 00

  No, a wink wasn't even needed.

• 54:08Speaker 04

  No, that's stopped. Anyway, anyway, so that's the ring for, oh, still only a few tickets left for Dancing with Dave in Brighton.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  And if you happen to come across dancingwithdave.com, there's a few other Dancing with Davers going around the UK.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Dancing with Dave's going on a global tour of the UK.

• 54:25Speaker 04

  What is Dancing with Dave?

• 54:27Speaker 00

  Oh, well, my friends, you've DJed at it.

• 54:29Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, but I thought it was called All My Friends.

• 54:30Speaker 00

  I like to think it is.

• 54:32Speaker 01

  But it ain't.

• 54:33Speaker 00

  John, every now and then throws a curveball because he would prefer it to be called Dancing with Dave.

• 54:37Speaker 04

  I like Dancing with Dave as well.

• 54:38Speaker 00

  Don't encourage him.

• 54:40Speaker 04

  I like Dancing with Dave.

• 54:41Speaker 00

  It is nice.

• 54:42Speaker 04

  You're very good at DJing. You're so, you really have got your finger on the pulse of what the people want. I really think that. And when Dave comes on, we all relax.

• 54:49Speaker 00

  Finger on the pulse of naughty's indie. It's not really contemporary.

• 54:53Speaker 04

  You just get people going.

• 54:55Speaker 00

  Oh, you all do. You were fantastic. You and Harriet at the last one were fantastic.

• 54:59Speaker 04

  I got out of breath at Dancing with Dave.

• 55:00Speaker 00

  John's very good as well.

• 55:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, John's very good. He could put his arms in the air a bit more.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  He does for Natasha Beddingfield.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do for NB.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  So dancingwithdave.com for UK All My Friends Tour.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  Dancingwithdave.com UK All My Friends Tour.

• 55:16Speaker 04

  I couldn't mix the sounds. Like my, because Luke was there and he said, oh, it was atrocious. You're, I thought I was fading in and fading out really well, but he said, not at all.

• 55:26Speaker 00

  No, it's tricky though. I've not quite got the, Alice struggled with the software as well, to be fair.

• 55:31Speaker 04

  Well, it's just one fade out button, one fade on.

• 55:34Speaker 00

  It is. Anything you want to plug whilst we're in the ring fence zone, Lou?

• 55:38Speaker 04

  Um, I just want to plug my Hinge profile.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  Okay, we'll keep this in.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  There's, there's a wonderful chapter someone wrote about you in a book, isn't there, dear?

• 55:47Speaker 04

  I want to, I want to plug John's book. I want to plug my, John's book and send it to all my exes.

• 55:58Speaker 00

  It's my favourite chapter of the book.

• 56:00Speaker 04

  Is it?

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  I should put that quote on the front. I want to send this to all my exes, Luc Sanders. I'm getting ready for the paperback day. Designs already. So it's quite weird that books come out twice.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  You've got a new design?

• 56:14Speaker 01

  Well, it will be a different front cover, yeah.

• 56:16Speaker 04

  What's it going to be on the front cover?

• 56:18Speaker 01

  It'll, I don't know yet. We're just trying to work that out.

• 56:21Speaker 04

  You must be so pleased with the success of the book. So many people tell me they've read it and loved it.

• 56:25Speaker 01

  I get lots of, I get very high messages every day.

• 56:28Speaker 04

  Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?

• 56:29Speaker 01

  It puts the right spring in my step.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  You're making a difference.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  Fingers crossed. Putting something's back.

• 56:34Speaker 04

  Putting something's back and it's not worse.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  Ring fence over. Okay. A few weeks ago, you all heard about my travails with my mobile phone provider. And how after a lot of thought and comparing, and actually being out of contract for three months, which cost me an arm and a leg. But that's the cost of paralysis. That's the cost of decision paralysis.

• 57:00Speaker 04

  Have you heard about Don't Compare and Despair?

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Yes, I have. But I needed to compare to find the cheapest rates and then ignore them because the people who give them to you have bad trust pilot reviews.

• 57:12Speaker 00

  Because I think that's more about like other people's lives, isn't it?

• 57:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, it doesn't make sense at all, but I just sort of, but I did get a fair phone actually.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 57:20Speaker 04

  It's in my bag because I haven't set it up yet.

• 57:22Speaker 00

  A what?

• 57:22Speaker 04

  A fair phone.

• 57:23Speaker 00

  What's this?

• 57:23Speaker 04

  It's like a phone that's fair.

• 57:25Speaker 00

  In what way?

• 57:26Speaker 04

  Well, it's not made by little children, unlike the jingle that I bought in. And it's just, it doesn't break very easily at all.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  Dave, Dave, don't tell Lou this, but I can't wait for the phone call I get in a week's time saying this **** fair phone.

• 57:44Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 57:45Speaker 00

  But on phones, I think that the kind of the block phone is coming back, isn't it?

• 57:48Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 57:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. Nokia have just brought out a phone which looks very basic. I think people are kind of eschewing the iPhones of this world and the Google.

• 57:58Speaker 01

  I think they'll do it for a week and go mad.

• 58:00Speaker 04

  No, we've had enough. We've had enough.

• 58:02Speaker 00

  I think there's a revolution coming, John.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  Okay, I look forward to that.

• 58:05Speaker 04

  We've had enough. I might come off Instagram.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  Might you?

• 58:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:09Speaker 01

  How you promote your special?

• 58:11Speaker 04

  What special?

• 58:12Speaker 00

  If you were to do, if you were to do, if you were to do a special, how would you promote it?

• 58:17Speaker 04

  Well, I'd let the people do it for me.

• 58:21Speaker 01

  It's tricky because we're all enmeshed. We're all part of the problem. We're all part of the solution.

• 58:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, but we can, like, a lot of people now are locking up their phones. That is true, Dave. I think they're doing the brick or whatever it's called. Well, you just said that.

• 58:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, he just said that.

• 58:34Speaker 00

  I just said that. Why do I sound surprised?

• 58:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. And Jamie T's just written a song called Thirty Three Ten. He's just rewritten-

• 58:45Speaker 01

  And what are you listening to that on?

• 58:49Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, there are, there are holes in the, in the- It's difficult. There are holes.

• 58:52Speaker 04

  No, I think, because, because my screen time is eight and a half hours.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 58:57Speaker 00

  Mine's up.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  You're gonna enjoy your phone.

• 59:01Speaker 04

  No, but that doesn't, it has everything on it, although I don't know my Spotify password. So this might be where, um, not Spotify, I'm not on that because political, um, mind you, the one I joined is-

• 59:10Speaker 00

  Just as bad.

• 59:11Speaker 04

  It is owned by Jay-Z, I found out. So now I'm not, now I'm not listening to music.

• 59:16Speaker 01

  Well, that's a win.

• 59:18Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah, screw them. Um, I'll make my own. You've heard me singing.

• 59:24Speaker 04

  Um, no, but a lot of people are coming up.

• 59:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think there's a bit of something happening. Anyway, John, what are we doing exactly?

• 59:31Speaker 01

  So we, um-

• 59:34Speaker 04

  John keeps closing his eyes for five minutes.

• 59:38Speaker 04

  Reminds me of my late stepfather.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  A couple of weeks ago, we found out that I'd ended the longest relationship of my life, which is with my mobile phone provider.

• 59:47Speaker 04

  Oh dear.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  Moved to a new phone provider who has just all the same problems, but for eight pounds less a month.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:54Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Um, so we asked you for a rapid response.

• 1:00:02Speaker 01

  We asked you, what was your longest relationship and how long they were? Rachel in Guernsey.

• 1:00:08Speaker 03

  My car insurance provider, 28 years.

• 1:00:11Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:00:12Speaker 00

  You know, shopping around. Maybe she is.

• 1:00:14Speaker 01

  I hope you're getting a discount every time.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Incredible no claims discount there.

• 1:00:18Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:18Speaker 01

  But once you take your eye off the ball, they will hammer you.

• 1:00:22Speaker 00

  What, as if you don't, what do you mean?

• 1:00:24Speaker 01

  Auto-renew.

• 1:00:25Speaker 00

  Auto-renew.

• 1:00:25Speaker 04

  That's their catchphrase.

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  Do not let them breed.

• 1:00:29Speaker 00

  She, yeah, I'm about to be also renewed, but I'll get them.

• 1:00:32Speaker 04

  A man who lives down the road from me has got like an eight bedroom house and one of the Porsches that's only got 25 of them. And he's in car insurance. So it just makes your mind bubble, doesn't it?

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  It does.

• 1:00:43Speaker 01

  Catherine in Manchester.

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  My dentist and I now travel over two hours for checkups since leaving the area. Forty years.

• 1:00:51Speaker 00

  Forty years.

• 1:00:52Speaker 04

  She's not yet. She's in love with a dentist.

• 1:00:56Speaker 01

  Adam in Burnley. My Berghaus rucksack, 22 years. What an incredible stat. Alan Cardiff. My Italia 90 Coca-Cola Mini Football, 36 years. That's extraordinary. I had one of them.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  He can't still be using it though. Surely not.

• 1:01:15Speaker 01

  They'd made things to last back then, Dave. Steve in Lichfield. My local curry house owner. He calls me Andy, 30 years.

• 1:01:23Speaker 00

  That's nice.

• 1:01:23Speaker 04

  Is his name Andy?

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  But it doesn't make it clear whether he's in a relationship with them.

• 1:01:27Speaker 00

  Well, no, he's clearly going exclusively to that curry house.

• 1:01:30Speaker 01

  He said, he said, his longest relationship is with his local curry house owner.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  That's a good point. There's the more to it. You never know.

• 1:01:35Speaker 01

  Doesn't say my local curry house.

• 1:01:37Speaker 00

  Well, maybe it's his curry house owner.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, but not a problem.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  Not a prob.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  Uh, Anna in Tavistock.

• 1:01:43Speaker 04

  A pair of real wooden clogs, 48 years. Wow.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  Because wood, in some circumstances, can last hundreds of years.

• 1:01:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, but not if it's put half in, half out and it's oak and that's on your pond designer. Okay.

• 1:01:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's on your pond designer and we will sort that out in the small claims court.

• 1:01:58Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  Callum in Penarth. My childhood Barclays account, then my student account, then my current account, now my Premier account, 23 years. Someone's earning.

• 1:02:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's good.

• 1:02:11Speaker 04

  Other banks are earning.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  I would imagine most people, um, their bank account is their longest because even though you can get like 200 quid for switching, most people can't be arsed.

• 1:02:20Speaker 00

  I'm still with the same bank that I had at 14.

• 1:02:22Speaker 01

  I switched in 2015.

• 1:02:26Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:27Speaker 04

  I'm with an ethical bank.

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  Are you?

• 1:02:29Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  Annie Marie in Northumberland.

• 1:02:31Speaker 05

  A ruler which says Durham doorway 88 on it, 38 years.

• 1:02:36Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  Sandre in Bexhill.

• 1:02:40Speaker 03

  The saucepans my mum bought me when I left home in 1988, 38 years.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  Oh, that's so nice. And Ronnie in Chelsea. My broom, 20 years. 20 years with his broom. You can't beat that.

• 1:02:56Speaker 04

  That's lovely. They're not filling the landfills, are they? Good on them.

• 1:03:00Speaker 01

  Good on them.

• 1:03:00Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  And that's the rapid response unit.

• 1:03:03Speaker 01

  Yes, and that's a rap, Dave, from us.

• 1:03:07Speaker 00

  That is a rap.

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Even though in your head you're thinking, there's about 15 minutes of that that needs to come out. None of it needs to come out, apart from some of it.

• 1:03:14Speaker 00

  Producer Jenny is fantastic editorially.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  We're allowed to have opinions, Dave. This is now on the BBC.

• 1:03:20Speaker 00

  We are allowed.

• 1:03:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, we're allowed.

• 1:03:21Speaker 00

  It is, just go out on the BBC.

• 1:03:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, but so does, I don't know, all those podcasts where people talk a load of rubbish.

• 1:03:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's, the majority of that is absolutely fine.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:31Speaker 04

  Some of it can come out, otherwise I might get blown up.

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  In the eyes.

• 1:03:37Speaker 01

  And that can stay in. So we thank Lou, we thank Dave, we thank Ellis for keeping out of the bloody studio.

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  We've got Lou back on Tuesday, of course.

• 1:03:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:03:48Speaker 04

  In the same outfit.

• 1:03:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, and Lou back on the bureau.

• 1:03:52Speaker 00

  In a, in a week's time, yes, due to the way that we record them.

• 1:03:55Speaker 01

  Due to the way the BBC is funded. If time is money.

• 1:04:00Speaker 01

  Bye, bye.

• 1:04:01Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 1:04:14Speaker 02

  Hi, everyone. It's Katie Couric. And on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households, yet many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs.

• 1:04:56Speaker 02

  Ask a financial professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.

• 1:05:14Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:05:20Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page, at Ellis and John.

• 1:05:25Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.