#563 - Thatcher’s Playlist, Neil The Alien and The Bag of Digital Death

Elis may have been struggling with delayed trains, but fear not - it turns out our Producer Dave has a hotline to the Big Dog himself: Bandy Urnham. Nothing a quick phone call can’t fix… Plus, if you thought John's now-legendary Bag of Death was but a distant memory, think again, as the boys uncover the beginnings of a creative endeavour that our Thornbury wordsmith began at the age of just 13. And lo, we enter the era of the Password Protected Bag of Digital Death. But enough of passwords, protection and privacy. Elis is still on a mission to connect with his fellow Welsh folk in a tense edition of the Cymru Connection. Plus, we welcome a brand new feature - highlighted in pea green on Dave's big list of new ideas, no less - The Rapid Response Unit. Have you got an Alien Novel in you? Do you know what Thatcher's playlist would have been? Get it touch at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Miniumpicks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Birdwatching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 03

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 02

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 03

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 04

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 1:08Speaker 05

  Hey, it's Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad and the holidays are around the corner, which means I'm officially entering my Hostess Hannah era with Arm & Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. You guys know I love cats and fostering, but when I'm hosting, I do not want my house smelling like cats. I want people focusing on my hosting skills. That's why I love Arm & Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. It delivers long-lasting odor control and forms compact clumps that make cleanup easy. So that's one less thing I need to worry about when people come over. Be guest-ready with Arm & Hammer Cat Litter. Find it now at Walmart or Amazon.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  Welcome to Ellis and John. Thank you for downloading this episode.

• 2:02Speaker 02

  I've had enough.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  But of what? Have I had enough of Dave? God, no. I love Dave's enthusiasm, his professionalism, his kindness, his ability to boost morale in the show WhatsApp group by sending Pigeon Detectives memes.

• 2:19Speaker 00

  Have I had enough of John? God, no. How could I tire of his wisdom, his humour? And when I had a bad gig in St Albans the other day, his ability to have texted Will, the promoter, about it before I'd even finished walking offstage. How did he know? How could I ever have enough of someone whose bat signal for my failure is the only thing that still works in what we used to call Great Britain? And look at his gorgeous, dark blue eyes. When I told John that I could drown in his eyes on Tuesday, he put his hand on my knee and told me not to worry because he'd save me.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  I did, actually.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  No. I've had enough of being let down by trains. Because at the time of writing, I am currently on the 9pm train from Bristol to London after doing a charity gig at the Beacon Theatre, and it is one hour and 47 minutes late.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  That's late.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  It left Bristol 12 minutes after it should have arrived in Paddington. And guess what? I only got the train rather than drive because it was my turn to write this week's intro. But I don't hate this format. Oh, no. Pressure's a privilege. When I started my intro on the way down to Bristol, I was working on a film trailer parody that had Dave saying the line, "This could destroy Chedlehume forever."

• 3:33Speaker 03

  Nothing at all.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  But that's been abandoned. Right, I'm gonna have a break now and I can listen to the Beat Band on my headphones for a bit. Okay, it's now 23 minutes past midnight.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  Oh, my word.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  And I'm in Slough being held by a red signal because of an empty stock train that's in front of us, which the train ticket collector guy said, "Oh, that's unlucky." And although I appreciate being reminded about delay replay, what I really want is a network rail to invent a time machine so my childminder can get her evening back. At time of writing, I'm being told I have a safe and pleasant onward journey which feels barbed.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Sorry for any inconvenience, course, they keep saying. Don't they realise that I'm a UNESCO World Heritage podcaster?

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Me being tired for the show is like when Ronaldo had that fit before the 1998 World Cup final and played football like he'd just eaten a Christmas dinner. Anyway, arrival at Paddington in 20 minutes. It's 6.30am and I'm awake. Why is that? Because the one thing that you can still set your watch to in this country is my Friday bin collection and the fact that bin men love to shout and I'm sleeping with the window open because we're in a heatwave. At this stage, when you've had four hours sleep, it's about mentality.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  I need to dig deep. And Andy Burnham, the fact you like new orders put you in my good books. But I'm set to a target. I've got to go to Carmarthen on the train on Tuesday for a big gig, so you've got three days to sort this out. We're at the ultimatum stage. We've done and bargaining.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  Now it's ultimatums.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Now, retrospectively, Ellis, bear in mind, we're on the BBC here and we are impartial.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Do you feel that the £100 billion squillion pounds spent to get us to Birmingham six minutes faster could have been spent elsewhere?

• 5:29Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, I do feel that.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  So when you're an hour and 50 minutes late on the train back from Bristol

• 5:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  and your childminder can't get their evening back

• 5:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  and you can't sleep.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Poor Sue. I told Sue I'd be there by half past 11 and it was half past 1.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  Are you sat there on the train behind the empty stock carriage thinking, "Thank God we can get to Birmingham six minutes faster eventually"? Not sure that's happened yet.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  I've never felt I needed to get to Birmingham faster. It's fast.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  It is fast.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  It's really fast.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  And I used to do gigs at the Birmingham Glee all the time and I'd always get the train back.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Loads of trains. It's fast.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  It is fast. What, I tell you what isn't fast. The train you were on last night.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  No.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  No.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  And I'm guessing, I'm guessing, but this is a balanced guess.

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  The signalling.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  Oh, the Victorian signalling.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  The Victorian signalling.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  The signalling that's older than my house, which has got lots of problems because it's an old house.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Does not yet have AI input.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  No, because do you know what it is? It's yogurt pots with a bit of string.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  And I love it.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  You love yogurt.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  I love yogurt.

• 6:45Speaker 01

  But what are you gonna do with your extra six minutes in Birmingham?

• 6:49Speaker 00

  Oh, I think I'll probably chill out in the Bull Ring.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  He'll chill out in the Bull Ring.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  I'll love every second of it because I like Birmingham. I believe in Brum.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Now, Andy Burnham, you have three days to sort this out.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  He's got three days because I've got to get to Carmarthen for a gig on Tuesday.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  But Ellis, news just in, Dave has Andy Burnham's mobile number.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Yes, that is true. Which Dave didn't find until the other day.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:14Speaker 00

  Even though surely he's in as Andy Burnham.

• 7:16Speaker 03

  No, he's not.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Just looking at your phone.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Just to be very clear, listeners, Dave, producer Dave, the drugs mule from Chedlehume, has

• 7:24Speaker 03

  That bit isn't true. Just as also, a couple of inconsistencies here. It probably is quicker than six minutes, just to, just to lay that clear.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  You get even more than six minutes?

• 7:32Speaker 03

  I think you get more than six minutes if you're day back.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Do you get an, is it an hour and 50 minutes quicker?

• 7:36Speaker 00

  I think they were gonna knock 20 minutes off the train to Birmingham, weren't they?

• 7:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 7:40Speaker 03

  But more importantly

• 7:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  is the drug mule thing.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Oh, right, yeah. Dave's not a drug mule.

• 7:44Speaker 03

  I'm not a drug mule.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  Anymore. But has the Prime Minister's mobile number

• 7:50Speaker 00

  A hotline.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  on his phone?

• 7:51Speaker 00

  A hotline to the big dog.

• 7:53Speaker 03

  So I went to Semi-Viral this week. I don't know if you saw.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  That is so funny.

• 7:56Speaker 03

  I don't know if you saw. I was on the Channel 4 news.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  You, you were. Why have I not seen a clip of this?

• 8:02Speaker 03

  In the background.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Why wasn't there a clip sent to the WhatsApp group?

• 8:05Speaker 03

  Well, I was in the midst of Latitude, so I got like splintered messages coming through telling me that I was on the Channel 4 news. But I couldn't watch the clips back and I couldn't for four days because

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Oh, nightmare. I tell you what, there's a blumming signal at Latitude meant I had to pay a Dart charge fine.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Why?

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Because the blumming Dart charge

• 8:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  which is either great or a disgrace.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  When it says you have to pay by midnight tomorrow.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  So I'm driving to Latitude.

• 8:36Speaker 03

  When?

• 8:37Speaker 01

  Years, years ago.

• 8:38Speaker 03

  Oh, right, sorry.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  You get there, no signal. I'm there for two days.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  So I'm, I'm just not able to pay the Dart charge.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  It's a festival problem as well. It's not a Latitude problem, we should say.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  It's a Suffolk problem.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Well, it's, it's a nationwide problem. If you're getting the Met line

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  outside of central London, good luck getting 5G.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Even though we're in a, you know, the world's capital, allegedly.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Are we?

• 9:02Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  I think that was an advert for something else.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  I think it's about Hong Kong.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  But yeah, blimmin' Dart Charge. I got it again the other day.

• 9:15Speaker 03

  Did you?

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Paid three hours late.

• 9:18Speaker 03

  But it's only a couple of quid, isn't it?

• 9:20Speaker 01

  No, it's 35 quid fine if you miss it. No, but I got absolutely mad system.

• 9:24Speaker 03

  You go through the Dartford Tunnel.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Or the Dartford Crossing.

• 9:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, and then you have 24 hours to pay it.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Which is by midnight the next day.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Right, so it's not like the old Seven Bridge used to be when you paid it on, you know, on as you were going through or like the tolls you get on French motorways.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Did we go over that for Station to Station?

• 9:46Speaker 03

  It's like a memory test. No, we wouldn't have. What was the one that we went over that we got charged for?

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Yes, we did go over the Dartford Crossing.

• 9:52Speaker 03

  Yes, I got a letter a couple of days later saying, you need to pay this now. It was like three quid.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  If it's your first offence, they let you just pay the 3.50. Because they used to, when they got rid of the toll booths, they used to charge you 60 quid if you missed it. And they were like, that's just profiteering.

• 10:08Speaker 03

  But you don't even know you're going over it.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Welcome, welcome. But with balance, it is signposted.

• 10:17Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  And they do tell you about their scam.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  Or legitimate business model.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  You're warned about the scam. Anyway, what were we talking about? Dave having the Prime Minister's number? Get him to sort out the Dart Charge, Dave.

• 10:28Speaker 03

  All right, I'll go, yo, Burnham boy.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  I'm schools.

• 10:35Speaker 00

  So I had to do a lot of fundraising for my daughter's school.

• 10:38Speaker 03

  Schools need a helping hand. Hannah will attest. Schools could do with a bit of a leg up.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  And the NHS could do with a couple of quid.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  There's a lot.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  God, it must be hard being Prime Minister.

• 10:46Speaker 03

  And Man City, you need a couple of quid.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Man City could pay for the NHS.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Give City a few quid, Burnham, for crying out loud. The problem bit, so yeah, I went semi-viral because there was a piece on the Channel 4 news about Andy Burnham, about how he likes culture and how he supports in clubs and pubs and bars.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  Correct me if I'm wrong, Dave, but does he like a pint?

• 11:11Speaker 03

  He's a man of the people, John, as we know. He'll tell you what he does like. New Order into Stone Roses.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:18Speaker 03

  And that was the clip that it showed as he was dancing around on stage with a massive neon All My Friends sign in the background.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Woo hoo!

• 11:23Speaker 03

  It was great. It was good branding.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  What's been so funny is that the vast majority of Burnham haters, and we, you know, this is a broad church on this show.

• 11:34Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  They all saw the clip and it seemed that in his first week as Prime Minister, he decided to do a DJ set at your...

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's not the case. That was from some time ago, wasn't it?

• 11:43Speaker 03

  2024, when he was Mayor of Greater Manchester, he DJed at All My Friends and On The Wall.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  So it was two years ago, but an awful lot of people are like,

• 11:51Speaker 03

  That's funny.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  Oh my God, so we've got rid of Keir Starman. I didn't mean that you guys DJing at indie nights. Which is a very funny accusation, obviously based less because it was two years ago.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  But obviously immediately when he became Prime Minister, the first thing I did was I went into my WhatsApps and I thought, I must have his number. Couldn't find it anywhere. I thought, ah, well, we must have just never actually communicated on text or WhatsApp. Fine, you know, he'd probably just turned it. And I couldn't remember quite how it, I couldn't quite remember how it led up to the night in the end. So I thought, he clearly just turned up with some people. And I was washing up two nights ago and a little bulb went off in my head and I thought, iMessage. I went straight to iMessage, searched the word Andy, and there's a whole text thread of me and Andy chatting. He's sent me his playlist that he's played that night. If you want, do you want me to read you a couple of tracks out?

• 12:36Speaker 01

  No, I want you to read the number.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  No. I might put a little picture in the avatar of Andy. Why not? Because he's a mate now.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  Dave, I'm concerned that a SWAT team are going to now enter this studio and arrest you and you're going to be sent to a prison with no charge.

• 12:51Speaker 03

  Knowing that Andy Burnham's in my phone has made me change from a four-digit security to a six-digit security.

• 12:56Speaker 00

  Nice one.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  It's pretty big stuff.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  You were four.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're not four.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  I'm six.

• 13:01Speaker 03

  Are you not 123 on four-digit security?

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Are you not face?

• 13:05Speaker 03

  And face, yeah.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't use face.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  They'd have gone, oh, have a quick look at his playlist. This is fine, isn't it? I don't think we're breaking any laws about showing us Andy Burnham's playlist.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  He's got some blossoms in there. He's got Elephant Stone. Nah. But which version of Elephant Stone?

• 13:22Speaker 03

  I can't remember. I can't remember. He's, I questioned Pure Essence to his face and he said, Dave, don't worry about a thing. And Pure Essence actually went down really well. D Ream's in there. Things are going to get better.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  He's got Joy Division, he's got The Smiths, he's got Doves, he's got Lila by Oasis. Isn't that one of yours?

• 13:43Speaker 03

  I play a little bit, yeah.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  But he didn't know that.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Did he play the full nine minutes of Resurrection?

• 13:47Speaker 03

  Of course he did.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  Dave, is your daughter named after an Oasis song?

• 13:50Speaker 03

  No. It's actually, she's not, she's not.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  He's got Rotten for Luck to Think About the Future mix by The Happy Mondays.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  This is good stuff.

• 13:58Speaker 03

  It was a good gig and it was a good set, to be fair to the lad. And he did all right.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  But I'm glad he's not doing this at number 10.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  Well, I'm tempted to at some point to see if he fancies a return to the day.

• 14:10Speaker 00

  I think he's got a lot on.

• 14:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, not week three, but.

• 14:12Speaker 00

  No, I think he's got a lot on. Actually.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  Though historically, Dave, things do get tougher as a Prime Minister as time goes on. You want to get him in the bounce.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  You want to get him in the bounce and you want to get him before his first major crisis.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, because crises will come.

• 14:28Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. No, he wouldn't do it now, obviously. He'll never do it now again. But it's lovely. It's actually a really nice thing every now and then to think, blimey. Because a lot of people texted me in the lead up to it saying, oh my God, you're going to say that you had the Prime Minister DJ at your club. And I didn't really sink in for me.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  What would Thatcher's playlist have been?

• 14:48Speaker 03

  It'd be so weird to think of Margaret Thatcher's playlist.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  It'd been lots of Elgar, that sort of thing.

• 14:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's crazy. It's just quite cool at this stage and I'm quite happy that it happened. There was an article in the i Newspaper that came out on Saturday about it.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  John Major, Blair would have played the Rolling Stones because he liked sort of 60s rock music, didn't he? What was his band called? Ugly Rumours.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  Cameron claimed to like The Smiths and The Jam.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Come on, mate.

• 15:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  It's funny though, if you go through sort of Prime Ministers of the past, what would Herbert Asquith have played at your interviews?

• 15:27Speaker 01

  Do you know Winston Churchill was always in trouble about his tax?

• 15:30Speaker 00

  I didn't know that.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  And he actually had to, he basically contacted the equivalent of HMRC at the time and basically said, I need a way to avoid this enormous tax bill. And they sort of came up, they sort of gave him a loophole, which was to turn it into a capital gain as opposed to income.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  That's a nice story.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  Bit of a workaround. Which is why some people argue that you should equalise capital gains with income tax.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  Got it. There we go.

• 16:00Speaker 00

  What an about turn that was.

• 16:02Speaker 03

  Take it to Burnham.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Dave, you have to be very careful about when you've had a few drinks and you're near your phone. Because you've got one shot. You have one shot at texting Burnham.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  Do you know what I'm going to do?

• 16:17Speaker 00

  I wonder if that's still his number. Do they give you a new phone when you're the PM?

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Well, he'll now have like a megaphone.

• 16:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  He'll have like a sort of, a phone with an eight-digit security code.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  And including one letter and one symbol.

• 16:33Speaker 03

  Okay, so you just can't hack that.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  You can't. That's unhackable.

• 16:37Speaker 03

  I'm also going to change the name in the phone to Bandiurnham. Bandiurnham.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  In case your phone get, Dave.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  Well, if your phone gets stolen.

• 16:47Speaker 03

  Well, I'm going to change.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  People get to the Prime Minister and you get put in prison for a billion years for having state secrets on your phone.

• 16:53Speaker 03

  Right, I'm deleting the number.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  Don't delete the number.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  I'm deleting the number.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Is his playlist a state secret?

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Dave, don't delete the number. Text me the number because you trust me.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  I'm not texting you the number.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  Text me the number and only when I have come up with my tax plan for a better Britain will I then hit the hammer on texting Burnham. Because you've got one shot.

• 17:16Speaker 03

  You've only got one shot. Yeah.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  Who's the most famous person in your phone, John?

• 17:25Speaker 01

  Good cue. Osman probably.

• 17:28Speaker 03

  Osman, yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Richard.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Yeah. I don't have Richard Osman's.

• 17:31Speaker 01

  We talk about novels from the 50s.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  Do you?

• 17:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:34Speaker 03

  That's nice. He's yours, yeah. Ivan Musk?

• 17:38Speaker 00

  I don't know. It would be, I don't think I've got any footballers who, well, I've got like Danny Gabbard on and Iwan Roberts. But in terms of mega famous, I don't know. It's going to be at the Joshua Dicam level, isn't it?

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Matt Lucas.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Matt, yeah, I've got Matt's number. But in the main, that's, yeah, that's my top. Richard Osman is a big old deal.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  He's big.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 18:11Speaker 04

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 18:39Speaker 05

  Hey, it's Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad and the holidays are around the corner, which means I'm officially entering my hostess Hannah era with Arm & Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. You guys know I love cats and fostering, but when I'm hosting, I do not want my house smelling like cats. I want people focusing on my hosting skills. That's why I love Arm & Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. It delivers long lasting odor control and forms compact clumps that make cleanup easy. So that's one less thing I need to worry about when people come over. Be guest ready with Arm & Hammer Cat Litter. Find it now at Walmart or Amazon.

• 19:10Speaker 06

  Network freedom and flexibility. That's what you want in a healthcare plan. With a Humana Medicare Advantage PPO plan, you can see any doctor in the country who accepts Medicare, including specialists. No referrals, no kidding. Learn more at gethumana.com. See any doctor who accepts Medicare and is willing to build Humana. Humana PPOs may not be available in all areas. Benefits and costs share may vary. Humana is a Medicare Advantage PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 19:44Speaker 01

  Now, Ellis, you are aware that a big meeting took place last week for this show that you didn't attend because you got a very full plate. And in fairness to you, you're waiting two hours for trains to arrive, which did give you more time to do your work.

• 19:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I needed to write the intro. I would have driven otherwise, but I'm glad because pressure is a privilege and I was glad to do the gig.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Now, in that meeting, a lot of new feature ideas and a lot of new initiatives were discussed. I voted on your behalf. We're going to be rolling those out as time goes on. Lots of fun to come on this show. However, one of the features was based around, like, could we build a picture of our younger selves somehow on the show? Could we, could we like dig up the past?

• 20:35Speaker 00

  You got my diary?

• 20:36Speaker 01

  In some way, no, don't worry. This is, you're off scot-free.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, this isn't on you.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  And I realized during the conversation.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  Have you talked to a girl I used to have a crush on in the 90s?

• 20:45Speaker 01

  No.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  By the way, just before you carry on, before you get into it.

• 20:49Speaker 00

  He makes me nervous and he's my friend. Is that allowed?

• 20:53Speaker 03

  You shouldn't be nervous about this.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  Oh, great. Thanks, Dave.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  You two had a right go at me for hiding the fact that I just happen to maybe have played football with Peter Schmeichel and Steve Bruce's sons.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  This isn't anything that level.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  This is much bigger.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  This is not much.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  This is huge.

• 21:12Speaker 01

  It's not huge and it can't be. You can't say it's huge because it's not huge. It's very small. However, we were talking about sort of juvenilia, the things you have. You remember the bag of death, for example.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  And I remembered whilst on the Zoom call to Dave and producer Michael and producer Jenny.

• 21:31Speaker 00

  That you're an OB.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  That I, when I was, I think 13 or 14, tried to write a novel about aliens.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  I did that, but I was younger than you.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  Have you got yours?

• 21:44Speaker 00

  No, the idea was we were, or humanity was forced to work in an alien mine.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a good idea.

• 21:53Speaker 00

  So I remember the first page, people were dying because the working conditions were so horrible, but the alien, our alien overlords wouldn't let us take a break.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  And then I thought, I don't actually know very much about mining or aliens. So I had wrote a sort of famous five story, but based in Hertford West.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  And you don't have that?

• 22:11Speaker 00

  No, sadly not.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  Okay, take some of the shine off my alien novel. It doesn't, because apparently we've all got one.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  No, but I think, but I don't have mine.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  No.

• 22:23Speaker 00

  Have you got yours?

• 22:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've got mine.

• 22:25Speaker 03

  You burst John's bubble. You burst John's alien literature bubble.

• 22:28Speaker 00

  Well, blow another one then.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  Go on then, blow another bubble. Oh dear, what a horrible sound.

• 22:36Speaker 03

  John, this doesn't take anything away. This is huge.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Have you got an alien novel, Dave?

• 22:40Speaker 03

  I have actually.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  So have you got an alien novel? Michael, have you got one?

• 22:45Speaker 00

  He's got an alien album slightly different. You wrote 12 songs about aliens.

• 22:48Speaker 03

  Just you two.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Okay. Go on, so what do we do?

• 22:53Speaker 03

  Nothing, we carry on.

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ, John, just read your alien novel. It's like aliens. I've got two kids and they love it.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  So John revealed to us that he's got an alien novel.

• 23:07Speaker 00

  Which I didn't know.

• 23:09Speaker 03

  That none of us knew. How has this taken? This is huge. How has it taken us 12 years?

• 23:13Speaker 01

  It's not huge, Dave. Everyone writes an alien novel when they're a teenager.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  How are you? I wasn't a teenager. I was much younger than that and it would have been worse than yours.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  Can't be. Anyway, we're going to read.

• 23:23Speaker 03

  We need to hear it.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  We're going to read my, I didn't get very far.

• 23:26Speaker 03

  Are you going to read the whole thing?

• 23:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's not very long.

• 23:28Speaker 03

  Okay, great.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  So we're going to read from my alien novel. It's called Contact.

• 23:34Speaker 03

  We have got a little bit of music if you want a bit of color.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, go on then.

• 23:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, here we go.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good stuff.

• 23:42Speaker 03

  Yes, Dave.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  So the title is in a very big, bold font.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Where did you get this from?

• 23:49Speaker 01

  It was on my laptop.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  You had a laptop when you was a teenager?

• 23:52Speaker 01

  This was saved to a floppy disk.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  That floppy disk was then saved. So I've got this folder on my computer, which I've had since I was 14, of just like poems and crap.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Thinkings.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  Thinkings.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  So you're a, you're a great archivist of your life.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, until I sort of get to a point with my therapy where I can chuck it all in a big skip, which happened with the bag of death.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  That's a nice story, actually. Because when you threw the bag of death, I've known you for a very long time. I never thought you'd get to that stage. So it must have been very cathartic to throw your bag of death.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  So I'm going to write down John's big floppy disk as a feature and each week he brings something from the flops.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  The rest of it.

• 24:33Speaker 03

  Show us your flops.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  The rest of it is all password protected and it's the name of a girl I would have fancied at the time.

• 24:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  And I can't.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  And you can't get in, can you not?

• 24:44Speaker 01

  No.

• 24:44Speaker 00

  And are you going to run out of guesses presumably?

• 24:47Speaker 01

  No, I just have tried everything over the years.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  Queen Forever 123?

• 24:50Speaker 01

  It's not Queen Forever 123.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  There must be a way of getting, there must be a way of hacking that.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  I don't want to know that there is because then that would scare me about the world.

• 25:02Speaker 03

  I'll ask her.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  I'll ask Burner about it. He'll know, he'll know about it. What a shame. So this.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  I would never read any of that stuff out because that's all poetry. That's the remaining digital poetry.

• 25:13Speaker 00

  What if I give you a grand?

• 25:15Speaker 01

  No, that's the digital bag of death.

• 25:18Speaker 03

  It is.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:19Speaker 00

  The password protected bag of death. Floppy bag of death.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  The problem is also all of the poems are protected by separate passwords. There would have been the girl I fancied when I was writing that individual poem. And because I got quite attached to girls at school when I was a kid, that you're probably talking eight different names with all different like capital letters and 123s.

• 25:44Speaker 00

  What a mad approach to creativity. It's creativity and a lock and key.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's like having a lock on your diary. That's okay.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  It's private. And I would fall to dust if they were read.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Okay, well, I'm not going to. I'll delete John's big floppy disk out of the list of.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  Show us your floppy, John.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  However, we do have the first page of Contact. I'm going to read it.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  Contact. That's became a film. That's a good, that's a good alien film. I cried at Contact, weirdly.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  Jodie Foster's in it.

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Yes, it's great.

• 26:17Speaker 01

  And did I see Penny won?

• 26:20Speaker 00

  It is a good, it's a good name for a book. Yeah, I can imagine Philip K. Dick or something writing a book called Contact.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  I've been reading a lot of James Herbert.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  So it's.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  Recently?

• 26:31Speaker 01

  No, no, no, when I was, when I wrote it. So there's a lot of James Herbert knocking around.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  That's all right, that's, but I thought creativity works.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 26:41Speaker 01

  I'm going to read it as it's read.

• 26:43Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  So the first paragraph is in italics and in bold. Because it's sort of like, it's sort of like narration.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  It's rare you see that.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Very common in James Herbert novels.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Oh, what, at the beginning, is it? Right, okay, sorry.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Contact. The inky black air crept into the smallest spaces that night, as if hiding from the sunlight glow in the middle of the field that illuminated the sky. A six foot wide beam shone right up into the heavens, but it didn't matter. The farm was miles away from anywhere and no one ever passed it at this time of night. They saw.

• 27:21Speaker 00

  I am gripped.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  I am.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  And I want to get Penguin on the line.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  13. You're a child prodigy.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  I don't know about that, maybe 14.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  This is good stuff.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  They saw, knowing full well what was going.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Non-binary aliens.

• 27:38Speaker 01

  Well, there is no gender to aliens.

• 27:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, it depends on the alien you've created.

• 27:42Speaker 01

  Well, exactly.

• 27:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, the lad alien, not Neil the alien.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  They saw, knowing full well what was going on below. They made no sound, yet each knew exactly what the others were thinking. The faces they saw lit up by the piercing beam were all familiar, yet none had ever seen them before. Each knew exactly what part they played in the events to come, yet none had ever discussed the way it would be done. Chapter one.

• 28:11Speaker 00

  So the aliens have become like one organism.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  I think they just can use mind powers to communicate with each other. Chapter one. Edwards watched scrutinously at the side of the road for the sign he'd been instructed to look out for. As the Blue Mondio saloon wove its way around the seemingly intricate country, he cursed the inspector for calling him at 10:00 in the morning.

• 28:36Speaker 00

  Mondio.

• 28:38Speaker 03

  He's so Robbins. He was so Robbins even at 13. Bang on.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  You imagined.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  You had all the cars on Earth to choose from.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  But it's the perfect car for it.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  I'm sweating on my forehead.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  Mondae, oh man.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  Excessive sweat's one of my triggers, Dave, so I have to write it in the flare log.

• 29:05Speaker 03

  They'll ask you, why were you sweating?

• 29:07Speaker 01

  I've got a column for environmental triggers for my skins. I'll just say.

• 29:11Speaker 00

  Alien books.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  Red alien book, foeting nature, and sweated a lot.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  He cursed the inspector for calling him out at 10:00 in the morning for what he expected to be a hoax. His experience with police officers in recent months told him that with the sudden urge in extraterrestrial interest, the bureaucrats in the police hierarchy would do anything to sort out any possible tabloid story.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  So you hated petty bureaucracy at the age of 13. This is amazing.

• 29:41Speaker 03

  It makes sense.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  He...

• 29:45Speaker 00

  You're so consistent.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 29:48Speaker 00

  That's the funny thing.

• 29:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  You were a baby and then you were John Robbins.

• 29:52Speaker 03

  It's mad.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  The bureaucrats in the police hierarchy would do anything to sort out any possible tabloid story before it reached the alien-obsessed hordes.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  As he turned into the vaguely described Hitchcock farm, double meaning there, if you know what I mean.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  Have you written that bit?

• 30:10Speaker 01

  No. The rough stubble on his face was an unfortunate reminder that he hadn't shaved that morning. He checked his appearance in the rearview mirror, and as he ran his fingers through his neglected hair, he drew the car to a halt. As he emerged from the car, he saw several police officers parked by the side of the field further up the farmyard's long driveway.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  I'm there.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  I am there.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  He was far out of sight of the main road. His inside knowledge of the inner workings of the police force gave him a strange pleasure, as if he were privileged. On the other hand, he thought the majority of them were complete authoritarian tossers.

• 30:51Speaker 03

  I bet you liked writing that word at the age of 13.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  You could write, though.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 31:00Speaker 00

  You can write.

• 31:00Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  This is... I also, I... I am there. I can imagine it.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  Well, he paints a vivid picture.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  I'll tell you one thing, it's better than D. I. Robbins.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  Well, no, because that was written by our lovely listeners, of course.

• 31:13Speaker 00

  All right, the bit's John was right.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  He thought that the majority of them were complete authoritarian tossers who had fortunately found an outlet for their fascist tendencies.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 31:23Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  Mr. Edwards, may I call you Chris? Yes, on the condition you tell me who you are.

• 31:31Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Edwards regarded the man with a scrutineers observation.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  The what?

• 31:37Speaker 01

  I'll say that again, Dave. Scrutineers.

• 31:40Speaker 03

  Is that a word?

• 31:41Speaker 01

  Well, so far I've said scrutinously.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Scrutinously?

• 31:44Speaker 01

  That's not a word.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  I did wonder.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  And scrutineers is also another word.

• 31:48Speaker 00

  Christian Edwards influenced by the Swansea City player who was playing for the Swans at the time?

• 31:53Speaker 01

  Uh, no.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Edwards regarded the man with a scrutineers observation that he'd become a force of habit in his line of work. The un-uniformed man stood around 5'11" tall with grey ginger hair parted at the left side. He had dull green eyes and a worn, troubled face that still managed to show the rare quality of genuine emotion. Of course, my name's Detective Inspector Carey, or Alan for short. I'm the sod that woke you up this morning on the phone.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  Great stuff.

• 32:26Speaker 01

  Edwards smiled, subconsciously striking one off his list of fascist tossers.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  But...

• 32:35Speaker 01

  It's no trouble, really. I needed something to spice up my weekend. Politeness now triumphed over lack of sleep.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  That's classic Robbins, that.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  I don't think you'll be disappointed at all. What's the situation down there? Edwards gestured towards the commotion of police officers and forensic scientists. Even though he had a policy of strict pessimism, he could feel the excitement beginning to well up inside him, the sort of feeling he hadn't experienced since he started the job as an assistant seven years ago, when every site he visited, he expected to be another Roswell.

• 33:11Speaker 00

  Okay. This is a big call. It's better than thirst.

• 33:18Speaker 01

  Well, that's as far as we get, I'm afraid.

• 33:20Speaker 00

  What?

• 33:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:21Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  Oh, my goodness, John.

• 33:23Speaker 01

  That's as far as we get. Edwards has arrived at the farm. The police are all there. They want to keep it away from the public. He's an extraterrestrial investigator, very much, I guess, in the sort of...

• 33:36Speaker 00

  In the Mulder and Scully, yeah. So I'm seeing an X-Files influence.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:42Speaker 00

  Obviously, the James Herbert books you were reading at the time.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, obviously, the Ford range has been a big influence as well.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Well, Mondaeos were huge at that time.

• 33:50Speaker 01

  They'd only just replaced the Sierra.

• 33:52Speaker 03

  Oh, really? So that was quite a flash car then.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  This would have been early 90, late 90, early 96 that I wrote this.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  Way better than that. Not that I thought it'd be bad, because you're very good, but at the age of 13, I thought that was going to be a bit crap.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Did you? Well, it is. Well, I say scrutiniously.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  No, but with a couple of made-up words. Who wouldn't have made up a couple of words?

• 34:14Speaker 00

  I'd like to know what you meant. And I said, what word you were growing up in phone got wrong?

• 34:20Speaker 01

  Well, it's a, I guess it's a slight tautology. He watched scrutiniously.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  He scrutinized. He scrutinized the side of the road. Or he looked out for the sign, I could say.

• 34:32Speaker 00

  So did you have a, like a family computer in the house or something that you were writing that on?

• 34:36Speaker 01

  I had just got a P, like a P60.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  Like a desktop?

• 34:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, a Pentium P60.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  Oh, the Pentium. I remember that.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  Well, I don't know. I genuinely don't know what we do with this, but it was great.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Well, then try and get him a publishing deal.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  It's a bit of fun.

• 34:55Speaker 03

  It's a bit of fun.

• 34:56Speaker 00

  I... It's very, um...

• 35:01Speaker 00

  I find it very heartwarming and gladdening that my kids will just go off and do something creative.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  I mean, Betty has written more than any 10-year-old her age.

• 35:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, and like, uh... My son, basically, he wrote his own magazine the other day. His first page was all of his favourite people. That's very sweet.

• 35:24Speaker 03

  He was on his...

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Oh, like me, Betty, Izzy, obviously, Evie the babysitter.

• 35:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:30Speaker 00

  But his favourite teddy's called Evie, so he... And next to Evie the babysitter, he'd written the real one.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  But it's just, I find that they don't just watch Italian stuff. I find it quite...

• 35:42Speaker 00

  It's a very good sign for me that they're often willing to do that sort of stuff. Which is the same, it's the same principle, isn't it? You were 13, you were reading novels that you liked. You thought, I'm going to give that a go.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  If you've got a pen and paper, you've got a friend for life, or your worst critic.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  And worst enemy.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, it's a double-edged sword.

• 35:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  The pen. But there you go. That's Contact by John Robbins.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Really enjoyed that.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  H14.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  Really enjoyed that. So can you find out any further details, like the exact date, or...

• 36:11Speaker 01

  No, because it's so early. It says it was written on the 1st of January 1970.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Because floppy disks just sort of...

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Do you remember why you stopped?

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Bored, probably.

• 36:22Speaker 03

  You've got, you've moved on.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Didn't have any other ideas. But it is... Got to the farm. I couldn't really go take it any further.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  It's hard graft writing. Once you've had the initial...

• 36:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  Once you've had the initial idea, what's difficult then is having to motivate yourself to keep sitting down at the computer to continue the story.

• 36:40Speaker 01

  I'd have moved on to poems about girls. Another girl would have happened. I can find out what else is in the floppy disk.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I loved that. I really, I don't have any of my teenage creativity, I don't think. It all would have been on pen and paper, because we'd have a computer.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  But there's something also quite...

• 36:58Speaker 00

  It would have all been binned.

• 36:59Speaker 03

  There's something very comforting about, there are so many Robbinsisms in there. Like, it's quite nice that this is who, this is who he is. This is who he's always been.

• 37:07Speaker 00

  The John Robbins foundation stone.

• 37:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's the origins. It's the origin story of John Robbins.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  And the hatred of petty bureaucracy.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  It's so deeply hidden in my, um, it's like in loads of...

• 37:20Speaker 01

  It's in loads of different files within files to hide it.

• 37:23Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 37:24Speaker 01

  From, from everything, yeah. Okay, yeah. Oh, my CV's in there.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  Your pre-comedy CV?

• 37:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:32Speaker 00

  My pre-comedy comedy CV is so depressing.

• 37:34Speaker 03

  Have you got like a blurb at the top, like, you know, a mission statement?

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Dear Sir Madam, my name is John Robbins and I'm 15 years of age. I live in England and go to the Castle School in a small town called Thornbury near Bristol. I visited your section of Bombardier Defence Systems in the summer whilst on holiday with my father, Dr. Robbins. The work being undertaken there was fascinating, and the prospects of the year's new contracts even more so.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  What do you want to achieve?

• 38:01Speaker 01

  I'm returning to Montreal in July of this year and have been pursuing the possibilities of taking part in your student placement scheme, which my father told me much about. I have experience of the computer programs in operation and have some basic knowledge in the field of robotics.

• 38:17Speaker 00

  That means you watched Robot Wars. You've seen Sergeant Bash.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  It would benefit and interest me greatly to take part in some of the work carried out in Bombardier, even on a very small scale. It'd be much appreciated if the enclosed reference could be put forward and I can be considered for a placement. And that is the reference that my head of year wrote a sort of fake version of saying, John has taken to smoking cigars on the back of the school bus.

• 38:44Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Do you remember when I said a couple of weeks ago that I, when I sort of went off the rails by smoking miniature cigars on the school bus?

• 38:52Speaker 00

  So now, went off the rails Noel Coward style?

• 38:55Speaker 01

  I'd asked my head of year to give me a reference so I could work in robotics at the age of 15. And he added a sort of a final paragraph saying, John has taken to smoking cigars and wearing and bleaching his hair.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  Why did he want to ruin your big chance?

• 39:13Speaker 01

  Well, he was making a valid point about the fact that I, you know, you shouldn't smoke cigars on the school bus on the way to a debating society final if you want to be big in robotics.

• 39:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  Big old company to go for, the Bombardier Defence Systems.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  Bombardier Defence Systems in Canada.

• 39:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I reached high as a 15-year-old

• 39:32Speaker 00

  Dude!

• 39:32Speaker 01

  who was doing his mock GCSEs.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's like little kids writing letters to Real Madrid, though, and saying, I'm dead, dead good at football and, you know.

• 39:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  I'm in the school team. Can I, can I come and play, please?

• 39:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  That was great, John Mulder. I really enjoyed that.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  You're welcome.

• 39:57Speaker 04

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 40:25Speaker 05

  Hey, it's Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad and the holidays are around the corner, which means I'm officially entering my Hostess Hannah era with Arm & Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. You guys know I love cats and fostering, but when I'm hosting, I do not want my house smelling like cats. I want people focusing on my hosting skills. That's why I love Arm & Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. It delivers long-lasting odor control and forms compact clumps that make cleanup easy so that's one less thing I need to worry about when people come over. Be guest-ready with Arm & Hammer Cat Litter. Find it now at Walmart or Amazon.

• 40:57Speaker 06

  Network freedom and flexibility. That's what you want in a healthcare plan. With a Humana Medicare Advantage PPO plan, you can see any doctor in the country who accepts Medicare, including specialists. No referrals, no kidding. Learn more at gethumana.com. See any doctor who accepts Medicare and is willing to build Humana. Humana PPOs may not be available in all areas. Benefits and costs share may vary. Humana is a Medicare Advantage PPO organisation with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 41:30Speaker 01

  Well, enough about 15-year-old Johnny JR.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:33Speaker 01

  What about 45-year-old Elis James? Because he's got a-

• 41:36Speaker 00

  Forty-five.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  You what?

• 41:37Speaker 00

  Forty-five.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Are you 45? Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd be 46 in November.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  Oh, well done. Over halfway. Not long now.

• 41:44Speaker 00

  No, not just seven.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  You'll be out of here before you know it.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  The way that he's lifting weights and taking his vitamins, you're hitting a hundred.

• 41:49Speaker 01

  You might be a hundred.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  I reckon we could hit a hundred.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  Do you reckon you'll hit a hundred? Some people think there are people born today who will never die. I don't agree.

• 41:58Speaker 00

  Um, I read Yuval Noah Harari's books and he talked about this. It's the idea that you could become immortal.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  So they can replace bits of you.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Add infinite, but then obviously if you're knocked over by a tank, then you'll die.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  Like in Highlander?

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  You're immortal unless you get your head chopped off.

• 42:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you could have, you know, various transplants, et cetera.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  But there would be certain traumas that you couldn't survive. But yeah, he talks about that in his book. I'm not sure I'd want to be immortal because, you know, all your friends will die.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  And because of the nature of what kills you, they would all have died in absolutely horrific circumstances.

• 42:39Speaker 00

  Good point.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:41Speaker 00

  And, you know, I already struggled with QR codes for the 280. Modern tech's going to really depress me, isn't it?

• 42:50Speaker 03

  Did you see Brian Johnson's tweet this week?

• 42:51Speaker 01

  No.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  He just put, "Been thinking things over. I wonder if I've taken this longevity thing a bit too far."

• 42:56Speaker 01

  Did he?

• 42:57Speaker 00

  Yes, that's funny.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  Which is funny.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  It's so funny.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Is he joking though?

• 43:02Speaker 00

  If that's a joke, that's a very funny joke.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  It's a joke, then there's a tweet. I'm not on Twitter, but I saw this on it. So there's a few tweets after that, which is then him back on the horse.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  I think, doesn't his girlfriend-

• 43:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  -have endometriosis? And now he's put loads of money into trying to find cures for that.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  Oh, good for him.

• 43:21Speaker 00

  Which is fantastic. Fair play to him because he's horribly into research.

• 43:24Speaker 03

  Absolutely. Yes, there's a lot of that. Still funny.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  So enough about 15-year-old John, 280-year-old Ellis. What about 45-year-old Ellis? Can Ellis find a connection to a Welsh person in just 60 seconds? It's time to find out in The Cymru Connection. And we've been sent in a rocky version of the Cymru Connection jingle by listener Josh. So let's hear it.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  You can tell they're Welsh.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  That's really funny.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's fantastic.

• 44:18Speaker 00

  Who are they? Where's that from?

• 44:20Speaker 01

  That's from Josh.

• 44:22Speaker 00

  Oh, is Josh in a band? Do we know or?

• 44:25Speaker 03

  Not sure. Josh sent it to us via Instagram.

• 44:28Speaker 00

  That's really interesting.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  We've got to send it in properly.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Thank you, Josh. Before we get to this week's attempt, there's an email from Gareth titled Chlis Medig Revelation.

• 44:38Speaker 00

  Chlis Medig, which is where I got married. Doctor's court in Huddersfield.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  "Ellis, John and Dave. I've lived in England my entire life and I have a lot of affection for the place. That said, I have never, ever identified as English. I've only ever considered myself Welsh. Ellis's Cymru Connection is without question one of the greatest segments ever committed to radio. It's the highlight of my week. I celebrate every successful connection like Wales have won a grand slam and every failure hurts almost as much as watching us defend a five-metre line-out."

• 45:06Speaker 00

  Oh, don't.

• 45:07Speaker 01

  That's rugby humour, Dave.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  That's good stuff. Yeah.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  "But there's always been a sadness. Having never actually lived in Wales, I'd resigned myself to the fact I'd never be able to Cymru-Connect with Ellis myself. This has, over the past year, caused several sleepless nights, an unhealthy amount of soul-searching, and at least three moments where I wondered whether I should just move the family to Pembrokeshire to improve my chances. I gave my three children the most Welsh names I could come up with, but that wasn't enough. I even ran the length of Wales from Conwy Castle to Cardiff Castle last year."

• 45:37Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  "In the hope this would give me validation, but it still wasn't enough. I needed that Cymru Connection. Then came a revelation. When Ellis mentioned he got married at Chlis Medig, every doubt I'd ever had instantly disappeared. I'm not sure it technically counts towards the official Cymru Connection league table, but if it doesn't, then VAR needs looking at. As Ellis will obviously know, but for the benefit of the less enlightened, Lys Medig translates as Doctor's House.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:05Speaker 01

  My great-great-grandfather was the village GP who practised from that very house. And originally named it Hysmedig."

• 46:13Speaker 00

  Wow. Yes. It's a lovely, lovely hotel now that does food. And I've been to another wedding there and we got married there. It's a fantastic place in Newport, Trevithwaite in Pembrokeshire.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  "A connection spanning generations which gets around the obvious obstacle that I didn't go to school or university in Wales. Dioch in war, Ellis, for finally allowing me to sleep soundly again and restoring my Welsh credentials. No star, Gareth."

• 46:39Speaker 00

  What a nice story.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  What a lovely connection.

• 46:42Speaker 00

  What a nice story. Yeah, it was where the GP lived in Newport. It's a tiny little village in Pembrokeshire.

• 46:50Speaker 01

  Ellis's form's been patchy of late, so we do have to change tone a bit. Out of the last 10 attempts, he's made only three connections.

• 46:57Speaker 00

  Oh, God, managers of chairman's vote confidence stuff.

• 47:01Speaker 01

  He may have just about saved the integrity of the feature last week by finding a connection to the OG connector Gareth outside of the time crucially, but is Ellis entering a stage of managed decline? Have his Cymru connecting powers peaked? Is the very best of Elis James a thing of the past? We're approaching the 100 connections mark. Ellis has attempted 96 regulation Cymru connections and has achieved a successful connection in 45 of those. His rate stands at 46.88%. So Ellis, if you get the next four-

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  -you'd be up to 49%. Can Ellis turn things around? You have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection to today's caller. What's your name, please caller?

• 47:48Speaker 07

  Fionn.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  Fionn, okay, lovely Welsh name, Fionn. Ellis has 60 seconds to connect with you. Your time starts now.

• 47:55Speaker 00

  Where did you just go?

• 47:56Speaker 07

  38, Skoggin Gwydd.

• 47:59Speaker 00

  Oh, in Swansea?

• 48:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 48:01Speaker 00

  Skoggin Gwydd. Which part of Swansea did you grow up in?

• 48:04Speaker 07

  Skeddi.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  Skeddi, okay. Skoggin Gwydd. Do you know people at T-Tower in Christina Street in Swansea?

• 48:14Speaker 07

  I knew the Mentery Ice crowd.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  Oh, did you? Well, I've done lots of gigs at the Mentery, that place. Do you know Shona David?

• 48:23Speaker 07

  I know that name.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 48:24Speaker 07

  I'm not sure if I know her.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  Okay. If you went to university, where did you go?

• 48:28Speaker 07

  Edinburgh.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Okay. What do you do for a living?

• 48:31Speaker 07

  I'm a producer.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  A producer of what?

• 48:34Speaker 07

  TV and socials.

• 48:35Speaker 00

  TV and socials.

• 48:37Speaker 07

  Used to be a producer.

• 48:38Speaker 00

  Skoggin Gwydd. Do you know my friend Dan Thomas, who produces television?

• 48:41Speaker 07

  No.

• 48:42Speaker 00

  He went to Skoggin Gwydd. Do you know Stefan Allen?

• 48:45Speaker 07

  I know his brother.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  Aye, whoa. Do you know his mum?

• 48:49Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 48:49Speaker 00

  Can I miss his mother? That's fine.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  Oh my goodness. There was a beautiful pause there, but everything hung in the balance. It did.

• 49:01Speaker 03

  He's put his head inside his t-shirt, which is new.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  That's new.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  That is new, isn't it?

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:07Speaker 03

  Ellis, do you want to pop out?

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Do you want to pop out of your t-shirt, Ellis?

• 49:11Speaker 03

  We're all friends here.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Right, talk us through the connection.

• 49:17Speaker 00

  Okay. Stefan Allen supported me a lot on tour, very funny comedian.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  I know Stefan Allen.

• 49:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  I got Stefan Allen to translate a message for you, which I wrote in the front of a Welsh language bible, which I gave to you.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  Were you drunk?

• 49:31Speaker 01

  Statistically, yes.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. So Steph.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  I wasn't trying to convert you, I just know you like the Welsh language and it was very old.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  It's a lovely bible, it's in our living room, I look at it every day.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Do you? Great.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  And you wrote a really nice, or you composed a nice message that Steph translated. He, I helped, he helped me write a joke that I might do at the Esteville, actually, about, because I just, I couldn't, I didn't have the creativity for it. He wrote me a very funny, cryptic treasure hunt clue in Welsh. And I set in the task, I said it needs to be poetic, biblical and agricultural. And he came up with it, it was about sort of, it was about roosters.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  So that's.

• 50:16Speaker 00

  But his mother came to quite a few of my gigs and she's my Facebook friend, so I got to meet his mum. So you, he.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  So, Theon, you talk us through your connection.

• 50:26Speaker 07

  So Stefan's brother Gwydion was in my class from like Maitrin, like I think our parents were in NCT group together, like way, way, way back. But Stefan was a couple years older, so I remember Stefan, I don't think he'd know me, but I do know Catherine, their mum.

• 50:39Speaker 00

  Oh, yes. And because of my algorithm, I see Catherine's Facebook posts all the time.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  That's good, good enough for me.

• 50:48Speaker 03

  It's rare where you kind of, you almost get it and you gotta come, come back. It's like a penalty that gets saved by the goalkeeper and you scored the rebound as it, as it rolled back out to you again.

• 50:57Speaker 00

  It felt really nice.

• 50:58Speaker 03

  It's rare that we see that in the Cymru connection.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  It felt really, really nice.

• 51:02Speaker 03

  That was satisfying.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  I should have more links to Skol Gwain Gwyer. But I really should.

• 51:08Speaker 03

  Did you really?

• 51:09Speaker 00

  It staggers me that I don't, actually.

• 51:11Speaker 03

  I thought you'd have interrogated the producer, right? You didn't ask where Theon produces.

• 51:15Speaker 00

  Because.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  You know how it's weird that Messi's bad at penalties?

• 51:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:23Speaker 00

  Like, it is weird.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 51:24Speaker 00

  He's rubbish at penalties and he's the greatest footballer who has ever lived, in my opinion.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's not got the best hit, right? Yeah, it's true.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  I should be all over a Skol Gwain Gwyer.

• 51:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  It is, it is my great weakness as a person.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:41Speaker 00

  And so when Fionn said I went to a Skol Gwain Gwyer, I was like, come on, man, there must be 38.

• 51:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  But I, and I got there in the end and I was glad.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  But if you want to hit this 50%, which we all want.

• 51:53Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  You're gonna have to have lists of people and lists of schools. Because Messi, if he's going into a game, the stats guy's gonna come over and go, this keeper's gone left 80% of the time.

• 52:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  You know, you need a sort of manager's approach, you need a formation.

• 52:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  You need something.

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Well, you got it, that's not.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, but if he wants to take, if he wants to seriously get to 50%, he needs those bits of paper.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Dave, you seem to have forgotten, this guy works in robotics. He's got an ordered mind.

• 52:26Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  He was approaching the biggest robotics company on earth at the age of 15, when he didn't even have maths GCSE. The guy hasn't, is an ordered thinker, okay? He's not gonna do, he's not gonna come reconnect on the hoof, on the fly like I do.

• 52:44Speaker 03

  There's processes.

• 52:44Speaker 00

  There's processes to everything he does.

• 52:47Speaker 01

  Theon, thank you so much for joining us. Who do you do production for?

• 52:52Speaker 07

  So I used to do stuff in Cardiff for Spadrec, which is where I thought there might have been a link outside, but I'm now in London and do all sorts.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  So do you know any other connections?

• 53:01Speaker 07

  There's one I'm like 90% sure of, which is, do you know Mari Beard?

• 53:05Speaker 00

  Yes, I do know Mari Beard, I acted in a thing with Mari Beard. She's lovely, she's a very talented actress.

• 53:10Speaker 07

  Very funny, yeah. So I used to know Mari when I was back in Cardiff. And then I also know somebody else who's previously been on Cymru Connection, I used to work with, which is weird.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  Oh, right, yeah.

• 53:19Speaker 07

  Through.

• 53:20Speaker 00

  Um, where do you live in London?

• 53:22Speaker 07

  West Palace.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  Do you want to come to my London Welsh centre?

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Do you have tickets to Ellis's?

• 53:30Speaker 00

  Saturday or Monday?

• 53:30Speaker 01

  London Welsh.

• 53:31Speaker 07

  I need to have a look, actually. I need to see one.

• 53:34Speaker 01

  You haven't heard any of the thousand plugs?

• 53:38Speaker 07

  I need to check the diary.

• 53:39Speaker 00

  Saturday, Sunday or Monday, London Welsh Centre, Saturday and Sunday, Mondays, Saturday, ABC.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  Do you speak Welsh?

• 53:45Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 53:45Speaker 07

  I do, yeah.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  Skol Gwyer is a Welsh medium school, first one in Swansea.

• 53:49Speaker 01

  And yet still, the message hasn't reached Welsh speaking fans of the show.

• 53:54Speaker 03

  Your algorithms aren't working out.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  Are you part of the Bryntauwes scene at all?

• 53:59Speaker 07

  No.

• 53:59Speaker 00

  No.

• 54:00Speaker 07

  No.

• 54:00Speaker 00

  Never the Twain.

• 54:01Speaker 03

  Never the Twain.

• 54:02Speaker 07

  No, no, that's not loud.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  Thank you so much.

• 54:04Speaker 00

  Do you like it, Theon?

• 54:06Speaker 01

  That's much needed. Bye bye now, that's a much needed boost to the stats.

• 54:11Speaker 00

  It's a Philip.

• 54:12Speaker 01

  It's a Philip.

• 54:13Speaker 03

  It's also very satisfying when you've found a connection and we ask the connectee, are there others? And there aren't loads.

• 54:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  And they're a bit vague, anyway, because it means you've absolutely nailed a connection that maybe even Theon wasn't aware of. That's connecting.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 54:27Speaker 03

  That's connecting, Al.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  And speaking of connecting, I have connected with the UK. Because a few weeks ago, I revealed to super furry animal singer Griff Reese that whilst at university, I would use his album that he appeared on with Mogwai at Rock Action as a soundtrack to lovemaking.

• 54:47Speaker 00

  Which, we had a very funny email about this, a lot of people saying we should bring back humble brag of the week.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I saw a couple of these.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  Because you did say, you told Griff that his album soundtrack, a great deal of lovemaking. Huge amounts, commercial quantities.

• 55:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  Of lovemaking.

• 55:07Speaker 03

  Well done.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  But that's not humble brag, is it?

• 55:10Speaker 00

  I suppose it's a straight up brag.

• 55:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:12Speaker 01

  Where's the, where's the humble brag in that? People are still getting it wrong.

• 55:16Speaker 00

  They are, yeah. He did quite a great deal of lovemaking.

• 55:19Speaker 01

  So it turns out the UK are a nation of lovemakers.

• 55:24Speaker 03

  Go on, Ellis, do you have something else?

• 55:25Speaker 00

  It's actually, you said quite a great deal of.

• 55:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's not modest, it's modest brag.

• 55:30Speaker 00

  There's a bit of modesty in there.

• 55:31Speaker 03

  That's fine, it's not humble, it's not, it's not humble brag.

• 55:33Speaker 00

  But you end the sentence with great deal of lovemaking.

• 55:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, but humble brag would be, I can't listen to that Mogwai album anymore because it soundtrack a great deal of lovemaking for me in the mid 2000s.

• 55:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  But the nation is a nation of lovemakers and they're a nation that want a soundtrack. So we are firing up the rapid response unit.

• 55:55Speaker 03

  This is from our big, great meeting, wasn't it, John?

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, Ellis, you don't know about this feature?

• 55:59Speaker 03

  It's got a big green on the, on the big meeting we had.

• 56:01Speaker 01

  This was in pure pea green. We asked you what are the soundtrack to your lovemaking experiences? And we have this from Kitty in Exeter. Wonderland by The Charlatans.

• 56:13Speaker 03

  What an album!

• 56:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 56:15Speaker 03

  Great album.

• 56:16Speaker 00

  It's a bit one note.

• 56:18Speaker 01

  Saran in Abegavenny. Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love.

• 56:21Speaker 03

  No, what a good song.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  Jessica in Massachusetts.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  A Song O'Ar by Boyz II Men.

• 56:29Speaker 01

  Just one song, which doesn't speak too highly.

• 56:33Speaker 03

  Nothing wrong with that.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  On repeat.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Luke in Basingstoke. Born Slippy by Underworld.

• 56:38Speaker 03

  Lovely stuff.

• 56:40Speaker 00

  It's frantic, it's tuna.

• 56:41Speaker 01

  Anita in Hull.

• 56:42Speaker 03

  Wherever You Will Go by The Calling. That is a tune. That is a tune and I will, I am taking notes.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  Aaron in Brighton.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  We like nothing better than listening to the Lighthouse family.

• 56:54Speaker 03

  Oh, goodness.

• 56:54Speaker 01

  Yes. And finally, Lauren in London.

• 56:57Speaker 06

  I had my inaugural experience to Lift Just Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven by Godspeed, you black opera.

• 57:04Speaker 01

  Doesn't get better than that. You just need, just need to do a bit of mental.

• 57:08Speaker 00

  Quite.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  It's gotta be one of yours, doesn't it?

• 57:10Speaker 00

  Quite.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  Don't use the phrase one of yours, Dave.

• 57:15Speaker 00

  Quite a great deal of lovemaking.

• 57:16Speaker 03

  Not the lovemakers, I'm talking about the music, one of your albums.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  It's quite serious.

• 57:22Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it's very intense. It takes you on a sort of mental 4D journey.

• 57:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. So one of your album choices, John?

• 57:29Speaker 01

  I don't know that I would have gone Godspeed. So, actually, that's not true. But, yeah, there's, there's, there's a lovely memory.

• 57:37Speaker 00

  I just put on Shit Up Your Face by Jodotchi.

• 57:40Speaker 03

  What's a mare you, hey? He's a silly sausage.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  He is a silly sausage.

• 57:45Speaker 00

  That's classic silly sausage.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  He's part of blobby, blobby patriotism or whatever it was. What was it? Mr Blobby Patriotism?

• 57:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:55Speaker 03

  I can tell you now, Mr Blobby Patriotism, yeah.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, great stuff. So we'll have more rapid responses coming in as the weeks go on, because we want your takes on the big topics.

• 58:04Speaker 00

  That's a good idea.

• 58:05Speaker 03

  It won't be a weekly feature, I think it's as and when there are things that just ignite conversation in the various universes that we have, communities.

• 58:14Speaker 00

  Is that, was that a John idea?

• 58:16Speaker 03

  No, that was a team idea.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  Good.

• 58:19Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 58:19Speaker 00

  We've got a good team.

• 58:20Speaker 03

  We have got a good team, we, we all, yeah, we liked that.

• 58:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:24Speaker 01

  Now then, dingalings, it's time for a little ring fenced section where we can discuss the latest release into the Ellis and John cinematic universe. Dave, what are we dealing with here?

• 58:35Speaker 03

  We're dealing with the announcement of the next adventure for patreon.com/ellisonjohn, we can say that here.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, we can say that here and we've said it. If you would like to watch in full 4K, I believe.

• 58:50Speaker 01

  What sort of a mixture of 4K and HD?

• 58:52Speaker 03

  I think there are restrictions in Patreon, but nothing that isn't watchable.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:56Speaker 03

  If you get.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  Oh, it's all, it's high def.

• 58:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  It's high def enough for me to text the group immediately about my bad skin, saying this is too high def.

• 59:05Speaker 00

  But you've made great strides.

• 59:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:10Speaker 00

  Yeah. By just eating cottage cheese and sumac, it's taken 20 years off you.

• 59:15Speaker 01

  Thank you. So are we talking about what this adventure is?

• 59:19Speaker 03

  Let's annul it.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Well, Ellis and I are both qualified drivers. Of that, there's no doubt. But who be da best? There's only one way to find out. Ellis and John, take their driving test. It's that simple.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  We carry out a number of challenges, don't we, Dave, over the course of a day?

• 59:40Speaker 03

  It's a lot of fun.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  It's a lot of fun, culminating in.

• 59:43Speaker 00

  My greatest failure.

• 59:45Speaker 01

  Culminating.

• 59:46Speaker 00

  Something happened to me, which.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  It has burnt a hole in my soul. I'm so disappointed in myself.

• 59:54Speaker 03

  Let's not give away too much, of course. We do have a little clip, don't we?

• 59:57Speaker 01

  Oh, let's hear a clip.

• 59:59Speaker 03

  Okay, here we go.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  When we turn on the ignition in our cars, we don't just start to drive, we make a pledge with Britain, a pledge that says, I will always strive for better. I will not let my standards slip and I will build up to speed before turning on to the motorway from the hard shoulder. For God's sake, let us keep our pledge.

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  If you don't hold a full UK driving licence, feel free to continue watching. Just bear in mind, if we ever meet, I'll take everything you say with a pinch of salt and I may stare through you like a window or a ghost. For the rest of us, driving is like a marriage, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death us do part. Today, Ellis and I renew our vows.

• 1:00:54Speaker 00

  Welcome to the adventures of Ellis and John. You're an odd guy.

• 1:00:59Speaker 03

  It's good stuff. That was, that's the intro.

• 1:01:02Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  It's, it's. It made me laugh, but where's it, where's it come from?

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  My mind.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  I know, but where's, what's driving that?

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  Content, humour.

• 1:01:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:11Speaker 03

  And a love of driving and the laws of it.

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  And I love Britain. I've just realised I've left my e-sig battery in a hotel.

• 1:01:18Speaker 00

  I know.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  Just pop it on the list, Dave.

• 1:01:20Speaker 00

  That's not like you.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  Oh, no, I didn't. It's here.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  Oh, look at that. That's a good feeling.

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  John wins again.

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  My train was so delayed in Bristol that I left the venue at about 25 to nine to get the nine o'clock train, got to the, got to Temple Meads, realised it had been cancelled and I was going to have to wait an hour and 45 minutes. At that point, I realised I'd forgot my comedy notebook at the Bristol Beacon, so I walked back, which is a mile, picked it up, got a pizza and then walked back to Temple Meads and still waited for half an hour.

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  Well, at least you made good with your legs.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  Got the steps in, got a pizza, got your book. That's good stuff.

• 1:02:00Speaker 00

  It is.

• 1:02:01Speaker 03

  So, yeah, exciting. Obviously, a lot, a lot of it has been made of your driving abilities over the years. We finally have had the chance to put it to the test. There are challenges.

• 1:02:10Speaker 01

  It's good fun. I enjoyed it.

• 1:02:11Speaker 03

  There are games. It was a very hot day. It's a cricket club.

• 1:02:13Speaker 01

  It was so hot.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  And we do have a special guest driving instructor as well.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  We do, an invigilator.

• 1:02:20Speaker 03

  So that's our next adventures app. Ellis and John retake their driving test, coming to Patreon very soon.

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  As we're in the ring fenced zone.

• 1:02:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:29Speaker 01

  Just a reminder that Thirst is still available and had a recent bump up the charts and I couldn't work out the reason, so I Googled, like, my name and did it by date. And the only thing that came out to cause it to bump up was a review by Decanter magazine, the wine experts.

• 1:02:49Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  I suppose.

• 1:02:50Speaker 01

  It was a very nice review.

• 1:02:51Speaker 00

  Do they do book reviews?

• 1:02:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:53Speaker 00

  As much, of course.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  I wouldn't have expected them to review this book. It would have been more like Oz Clark's Guide to Shapley.

• 1:03:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  And that sort of thing.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  But it is about booze.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, and the reviewer was very kind and said, you know, a lot of people in our industry have alcohol problems and here's a, a book which talks about alcohol in a very interesting way. So thank you for that. Um, but yeah, just bear in mind.

• 1:03:16Speaker 00

  Funny. I, I was at, I was at a gig and someone came up to me and said, please tell John, I loved it. I loved it and I read it. I couldn't put it down. I read it in a day.

• 1:03:27Speaker 01

  Kind. So, yeah, and grab the audiobook.

• 1:03:29Speaker 00

  Grab it.

• 1:03:30Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, listen to it.

• 1:03:31Speaker 01

  Listen to it in your ears. Grab it with your ears.

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  Grab it with yours.

• 1:03:35Speaker 01

  So there we go. Uh, head to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, where you can subscribe for a varying amount of, of monies.

• 1:03:44Speaker 03

  A varying amount of monies, of course, Ellis.

• 1:03:47Speaker 01

  Five, seven or nine pounds, depending on your ability to pay.

• 1:03:50Speaker 00

  He's been scrutineering all of the various kinds of monies.

• 1:03:54Speaker 03

  And if you are already a Patreon member, we love you.

• 1:03:56Speaker 01

  Oh, we love you to the moon.

• 1:03:59Speaker 00

  And back.

• 1:04:00Speaker 01

  And back. And there'll be more stuff going up. Have we filmed the next one already?

• 1:04:04Speaker 03

  Uh, we have filmed the next one already, which is.

• 1:04:06Speaker 00

  We did on Tuesday.

• 1:04:07Speaker 03

  Which is.

• 1:04:08Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 1:04:08Speaker 03

  Creative, erotic.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:11Speaker 03

  And.

• 1:04:12Speaker 01

  Playful.

• 1:04:12Speaker 03

  Informative and playful.

• 1:04:13Speaker 01

  Informative and playful.

• 1:04:15Speaker 00

  I loved Tuesday. I really enjoyed it.

• 1:04:16Speaker 03

  Tuesday was fun. And also that, there has just been a day in the life, a day even the life.

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  Is there a day even the life on there? Behind the scenes content.

• 1:04:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:24Speaker 01

  So there we go. Thanks for listening. We'll be back to your advertised programming. Right, everyone. Um, there has been huge debate on the Ellis and John socials because last week, Dave, well, Dave actually criticised a lot of children.

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  No, I didn't.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:45Speaker 03

  I didn't.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  Dave said his weekend had been ruined by children.

• 1:04:49Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:04:50Speaker 01

  Who were all greedy gutses because they ate too much pizza.

• 1:04:53Speaker 03

  It was, it was Lila's ninth birthday party, 22 kids in total. We bit off more than we could chew, ironically.

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  And who couldn't bite off more than they could chew, Dave?

• 1:05:03Speaker 03

  Wow, this is the thing. I don't think anyone. I think everyone needs to remember just because we talked a couple of weeks ago about the fact that we bought four large, don't forget how large they blimmin' well are, Domino's pizzas.

• 1:05:15Speaker 01

  For 22 children.

• 1:05:17Speaker 03

  20 kids that ate, because there were a couple of them that weren't eating. Just for the, I can't remember why. There were 20 kids that.

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  Because there wasn't any left.

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  What you actually wanted was a sort of Hunger Games race to the, race to the pizza.

• 1:05:29Speaker 03

  No, no, no. So.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  So they're all given a crossbow and the pizzas are in sort of the bottom of an abandoned mine.

• 1:05:36Speaker 03

  No, fresh, fresh from Chittle Hume Domino's.

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  So four large pizzas, how many slices in a large?

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  10.

• 1:05:43Speaker 01

  10 slices in a large, 20 kids equals.

• 1:05:47Speaker 00

  Two slices each.

• 1:05:48Speaker 03

  Two slices each. Two big old slices each. There were chips as well, for goodness sake.

• 1:05:52Speaker 01

  How many chips? One each?

• 1:05:53Speaker 03

  No, two massive trayfuls that were in the oven that we, you know.

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  Two oven trays, four, and I'll repeat that number again, 22 kids.

• 1:06:02Speaker 03

  Don't give me that. Do not give me that.

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  What? I would eat a tray of chips myself.

• 1:06:06Speaker 03

  No, a big oven tray, two of them in the oven.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  I would eat half of that myself.

• 1:06:10Speaker 03

  You would not.

• 1:06:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would. We piled them in. Some of the kids would be eight.

• 1:06:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, some of them were six because my twins were there. They bought a couple of mates. So they weren't all eight and nine.

• 1:06:20Speaker 01

  And were you and Hannah eating as well?

• 1:06:22Speaker 03

  We, we wanted to have a bit at the end.

• 1:06:24Speaker 00

  That's mad. That's, that's.

• 1:06:26Speaker 03

  Now, that didn't really happen as much as we thought.

• 1:06:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:30Speaker 03

  But the reason I'm sticking by this.

• 1:06:31Speaker 01

  Did you eat any of the pizza?

• 1:06:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, we did say that it had all gone, but there were a couple of slices left that me and Hannah.

• 1:06:39Speaker 01

  So you ate some as well.

• 1:06:41Speaker 00

  That's disgraceful.

• 1:06:42Speaker 03

  So it's not even two each then?

• 1:06:43Speaker 01

  It's less than two slices.

• 1:06:45Speaker 03

  I haven't even got.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  What are we looking at? 1.7 slices?

• 1:06:48Speaker 03

  Because some of them only wanted one. So when we realised.

• 1:06:50Speaker 00

  No, no, they didn't. Some of them only ate one. That's different.

• 1:06:54Speaker 03

  Some of them only wanted one.

• 1:06:55Speaker 01

  You're, you're. You're confusing want with supply.

• 1:06:59Speaker 03

  No, no. At the end, when we realised there were a few left, we, we, we put them in the kitchen. Anyway, the point I'm making is everyone got all the pizzas they wanted.

• 1:07:08Speaker 01

  No, that's not true.

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  It is true.

• 1:07:10Speaker 01

  Everyone got all the pizza that was available.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  No, no, no. They got what they want. The pizzas are like that, bitch.

• 1:07:15Speaker 01

  No, they're not.

• 1:07:16Speaker 03

  They are.

• 1:07:17Speaker 01

  A pizza is made of 10 quarters.

• 1:07:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, not quarter. Yeah, I know what you mean.

• 1:07:23Speaker 01

  So anyway, there was a poll on our Instagram page, which is at Ellis and John. So do follow that.

• 1:07:30Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  And, um, the question was, uh, how many pizza slices is optimum for a nine-year-old?

• 1:07:39Speaker 03

  Some were eight, some were six.

• 1:07:41Speaker 01

  Okay. Uh, two slices, that's got 9% of the vote, Dave, and that's the lowest one. And let's bear in mind, in real terms, the amount of slices was less than two.

• 1:07:50Speaker 03

  Oh, it's low. This is, quiz is rigged.

• 1:07:52Speaker 01

  Uh, three slices, it's got 49% of the vote.

• 1:07:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:56Speaker 00

  Okay, that's a landslide.

• 1:07:58Speaker 01

  Four slices has got 34% of the vote.

• 1:08:00Speaker 03

  They're not parents.

• 1:08:01Speaker 01

  Uh, five plus.

• 1:08:03Speaker 03

  They definitely aren't parents.

• 1:08:04Speaker 01

  Uh, has got 8% of the vote.

• 1:08:06Speaker 03

  I would have five plus.

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  Do you know what?

• 1:08:08Speaker 01

  So Dave, we're looking at probably about 3.4 slices is the average.

• 1:08:15Speaker 00

  I.

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  Optimum.

• 1:08:17Speaker 00

  I bought a pizza from Sainsbury's the other day for the kids and my children are 11 and seven.

• 1:08:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:25Speaker 00

  And they basically had half each.

• 1:08:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's half each.

• 1:08:28Speaker 00

  I expected to.

• 1:08:29Speaker 03

  It's not. It's not.

• 1:08:30Speaker 00

  I expected to have some and I was surprised at how much they ate. Obviously, there's this, you know, Betty's 11, but my, my boy really got stuck in.

• 1:08:41Speaker 03

  Also, what they're not saying on that poll is there was, there was other stuff going on. There was massive cake at the end. There were massive sweets in the pasta parcel, massive sweets and piñata.

• 1:08:50Speaker 00

  But the thing with the cake, they, children will find room.

• 1:08:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, they will and they do.

• 1:08:56Speaker 00

  It's like they've got separate stomachs for that stuff.

• 1:08:58Speaker 03

  Maybe some, some did have three because there were some left over. Me and Hannah each had one slice each when it, when it all was said and done. So that didn't really impact it because it was afterwards. But I, I mean, let's hear it from the horse's mouth.

• 1:09:09Speaker 01

  I don't believe that you, Dave Masterman, sat in front of four large Domino's pizzas and didn't eat any until all the kids had had all that they wanted.

• 1:09:19Speaker 03

  Well, when all of them said they were full of their, but don't forget, right, listen, this is the other thing. They just want to go and play. They're not that bothered. Kids at that age don't really register hunger as a thing they're that bothered by.

• 1:09:29Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:09:30Speaker 03

  They don't.

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  That is, that's.

• 1:09:31Speaker 01

  They just start crying.

• 1:09:32Speaker 03

  They don't.

• 1:09:32Speaker 01

  They don't understand why they're crying. Dave does, but he's earmarked some of the pizzas for himself. So he says, why are you crying? Is it because it's too hot? Is it because you're thirsty? It's not because you're hungry.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  That's what the baddies say in Dickens. Children don't get angry. They, they're interested in, they've got their minds on other matters.

• 1:09:50Speaker 03

  We, we, we struggled to get them over to the blooming table to eat the two slices and chips and cake and sweets that we had ready for them. Before you know it, they're playing in the paddling pool and shooting each other with gunge.

• 1:09:59Speaker 01

  Just some reflections from the general public.

• 1:10:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, go on then.

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  That Mark Gilroy, two slices per child is rookie numbers, son.

• 1:10:06Speaker 03

  Nah, mate. No, mate.

• 1:10:07Speaker 01

  Ben J I C Wood, it wasn't enough pizza to be fair.

• 1:10:11Speaker 03

  No, mate.

• 1:10:12Speaker 01

  He's just trying to be fair, Dave.

• 1:10:13Speaker 03

  To be fair, no, mate.

• 1:10:15Speaker 01

  Uh, this from Simon the gardener, always over order pizza, especially if you're relying on getting leftovers. Schoolboy error from producer Dave there.

• 1:10:24Speaker 03

  We couldn't afford any more. It was expensive business Domino's pizza. Anyway, shall we hear from the horse's mouth, the person that was eating said pizza?

• 1:10:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, who's the horse?

• 1:10:33Speaker 03

  Well, not the horse. Lovely daughter of mine, Lila.

• 1:10:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, lovely, lovely, beautiful, pink unicorn.

• 1:10:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, lovely. Yeah, let's hear from the lovely, but she doesn't like unicorns.

• 1:10:40Speaker 01

  Lovely, beautiful, pink Shire horse.

• 1:10:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, she does want to get into horse riding.

• 1:10:44Speaker 01

  Good.

• 1:10:45Speaker 03

  So, uh, let's hear from, let's just see, let's see what, let's see what the, the, the boots on the ground, the boots on the ground, thoughts of the day's events.

• 1:10:57Speaker 00

  Lila.

• 1:10:58Speaker 03

  Yes?

• 1:10:59Speaker 00

  What did we get you for food for your ninth birthday this year?

• 1:11:04Speaker 03

  Some chips and two pieces of Domino's pizza.

• 1:11:07Speaker 00

  Okay, talk us through how that felt for you.

• 1:11:10Speaker 03

  Good. It was good filling. It was filling? Yeah. And then we got a piece of cake at the end. And you got, how big was the cake? Doubled size. Doubled size because it was a massive cake, wasn't it? And did you have snacks and sweets and stuff across the day with the various games that we played? Yeah. Quite a lot. There was, um, what did you hit? The, um, pinata, didn't you? Pinata, yeah. And played pasta parcel. I did that. And those are sweets, pasta parcels. So would you say, you know, across the afternoon of fun, two large slices of Donner's Pizza, a fair odd helping of chips, throw in a bit of sweets and cake? Could you say that was enough for your friends and for yourself for your next birthday? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

• 1:11:56Speaker 03

  Why? I'm just, I'm just curious. I'm just curious. People might be suggesting it wasn't quite enough food, but what would we, what would we say to that? Oh, those people. You guys watch your language.

• 1:12:07Speaker 03

  Sorry about that. I need to work my language.

• 1:12:13Speaker 03

  So would you say it was all right? I think everyone left pretty happy, didn't they? Yeah, definitely. Thanks, Lila. Bye bye. There you go. Case closed. No more questions, Your Honour.

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  That's your lowest, Deb.

• 1:12:23Speaker 03

  The leading question.

• 1:12:25Speaker 01

  That is appalling.

• 1:12:26Speaker 03

  In court.

• 1:12:29Speaker 03

  What do you mean? There, there is not a single objection the defence judge could, whatever the call.

• 1:12:35Speaker 01

  To put words in the mouth of a nine-year-old, the only thing, the only thing that is in her mouth.

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  And, uh, to take advantage of the fact she's, she's malnourished and starved, not thinking straight, hallucinating clearly.

• 1:12:49Speaker 03

  Is she not?

• 1:12:50Speaker 01

  I don't think anyone enjoyed hearing that, Dave. And I, and I think deep down you didn't enjoy hearing that.

• 1:12:56Speaker 03

  No, because I was chatting to Hannah last night.

• 1:12:57Speaker 00

  He would destroy you in court. It would be a massacre.

• 1:13:01Speaker 03

  Oh, John?

• 1:13:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:02Speaker 03

  No, he wouldn't. He'd get out. His book about aliens and before you know it, there's, there's no court in the land. Lila spoke from the heart. It's interesting that even she remembers it was two slices and they were both big and filling. Interesting.

• 1:13:14Speaker 01

  Lila didn't have the opportunity to come up with a single thought of her own there, Dave.

• 1:13:19Speaker 03

  Didn't need to. Just, it's yeses and nos at that stage because it's the black and white. It's the black and white of enough pizza and not enough pizza.

• 1:13:25Speaker 01

  I think the jury have heard enough and they rest. We await their verdict.

• 1:13:30Speaker 03

  The bar, the party got good reviews from the parents. That's all. No one texted us saying, perhaps maybe a little bit of food next time? A little more food. Everyone was like, great pie, kids are stuffed.

• 1:13:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, because they were all on drips in the local hospital, Dave.

• 1:13:43Speaker 03

  We were getting texts on Tuesday saying, kids still haven't eaten a thing. They're still stuffed from Saturday afternoon.

• 1:13:48Speaker 01

  Right. With that, uh, low point for Dave Maston, we end this episode. We thank you for your, um, time, your energy, your patience, and we'll see you next week. Bye bye.

• 1:13:58Speaker 03

  Goodbye.

• 1:14:06Speaker 06

  At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet. Like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone and including dental, vision and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is every plan has a zero dollar or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage, HMO and PPO organisation with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 1:14:39Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:14:45Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:14:50Speaker 01

  Plus you can find all things E J J R, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.