#582 - Text Steff, Chasing the Nightcap and Nuance from the Gaps

It’s a remote affair today and there are camera issues from the off. Elis looks like a billionaire, whilst John (your pixelated man on the street) and Dave look like they’re on a Zoom quiz in lockdown. The reason why we’re remote? Well, Britain’s spokesperson for intimate procedure journeys is back. And don’t worry, he’s got a metaphor based on cagoules that will easily explain everything. We also hear from friend of the show/chaos merchant Ivo Graham about Elis’s big night out last week, Elis admits that he’s let the people of Cardiff down, and John has a niche request around homophones. To get yourself in touch with the show, email [email protected]. For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  mini golf picks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 03

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 02

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 03

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 04

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• 1:48Speaker 00

  Hello, welcome to this latest episode of Ellis and John. Thank you very much for downloading. And slightly different from the usual because we're all recording at home. Dave is in his study on his normal laptop camera. John's in his living room on his normal laptop camera. And I'm in my study on what can only be described as Hollywood level visuals.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  You look like you're being filmed by Roger Deakins.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  For a Christopher Nolan film.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  About a man who solely talks about the Europa League from his study. And people are suspicious that Nolan can't pull it off. But he walks office.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. People are wondering, you know, what the middle and the end of the film is and the story arc will be. But you'll come up with it. But this is what the visuals of the film will look like. Yeah. So.

• 2:46Speaker 03

  You're quite, you're a very humble man. But just every now and then, there's just a glint in the eye of knowing that you look absolutely sensational. And you came onto this call, you went, yeah, it is quite good, actually, isn't it? And when Ellis says, yeah, it is quite good, actually. And that's what Ellis really means is, yeah, it's bloody amazing how great I look.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  For the visuals on Socially Distanced Sports Bar.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  So why is it being used here with pasty John and flat Dave?

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Because this is, this is now my setup.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  No, just use your camera and look awful like the rest of us.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  This is not fair. This isn't fair.

• 3:20Speaker 00

  Well, I'm, I'm afraid I believe in this podcast. And I knew we were recording from home today. And so I thought I'd use my nice posh setup with my nice, nice posh night, my new mic as well. I've got a new mic. So the audio is going to sound fantastic. So obviously, we're still primarily an audio format.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Me and Dave look like we're on a, like a Zoom quiz in lockdown.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, you do a bit.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  And you look like, you look like a billionaire.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  I know.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  It's got lovely hair.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  You look like a tech pro. I don't like it.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  Right. So what would you prefer? You'd prefer me to look like I'm doing a Zoom quiz in lockdown as well?

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. So we're all the same. Just use your laptop camera.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Immediately.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  No, I'm not going to do that, John.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  Dave, make an order that Ellis has to look bad like us.

• 4:08Speaker 03

  Can you put like a bit of cling film over the camera or something? If you insist on continuing to use the camera, how do we make the camera worse?

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Why don't I put some cling film over my face like I'm, like I'm doing a bank robbery, but I couldn't get access to a stocking. So I've just decided to distort my face with cling film. I could do that. I could put tin foil over my face if you wanted, if that was, if that was better.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  It's actually quite disturbing. It's like watching The Hobbit in 68 frames or whatever it was.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Right. It's just, I don't know. I thought, because obviously footage from this, from these recordings are going to make it onto the camera, they're going to make it onto the Ellis and John Instagram page. I thought you'd be pleased that I had a really good camera. But no, you're jealous that my camera is better than yours. So it's the politics of jealousy, John.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  Which just looks like we're doing different things.

• 4:54Speaker 00

  And it's a race to the bo-, and it's a race to the bottom. Why don't you go out and buy a better camera now? We can start recording in an hour. How does that sound?

• 5:01Speaker 01

  Because I don't need one. Well, I do now.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  You do now?

• 5:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. How much does that camera cost?

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Uh, I can't remember.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  God, distant pod are doing all right, aren't they? Blimey.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  I mean, I can text Steph if you want. Do we need to text Steph? We bought them months ago. Do you want me to text Steph? Should I do that right now?

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Yes, text Steph.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Okay, fine. Then I will. But anyway, how are you, John?

• 5:22Speaker 01

  Well, I'm really sad now.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  Don't be sad.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  You're so fragile. You're so fragile.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  No, I'm happy for you, Ellis. It looks great. It's not a jealousy thing from me. It's more a quality, is it a quality, quality consistency thing for me? Because John is right. I mean, you are leagues above now.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, well.

• 5:43Speaker 03

  Leagues above.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  I'll enjoy your race to the bottom, Dave. I'm trying to drive standards on this podcast.

• 5:50Speaker 03

  Give us a heads up a week ago, we could have got these little cameras. What are they going to be, like 40 quid, 50 quid?

• 5:58Speaker 00

  Right. I'm sending the, I'm sending Steph the, the message to ask him. But anyway, how are you both?

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Well, despite the, the high end setting of Ellis's camera, we are all recording from home. Because I have found myself in a position I never thought I would be in, which is as Britain's leading spokesperson for intimate procedure journeys.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  I, I, if there's, if there's some.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Do you know what? You're not a joke, Dave. That's the, that's the thing. Sounds like a joke, but it is, it's not a joke.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm recovering from yet another of my intimate procedures, which I'm collecting. And I was sort of, I texted you to say I didn't really want to talk about it. But then I thought, oh God, otherwise I've just got nothing to say because I haven't done anything.

• 6:51Speaker 00

  Well, you don't have to talk about it.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Well, Ellis, some of us have a mission to look like a Hollywood Hong Kong camera. Others have a mission to break down barriers. Others have a mission to open up conversation where perhaps before there was taboo. Others.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  I'm not on that mission, by the way.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Can I say I shy away from that mission?

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, you want to be separated from your listenership in full, what is that, 10K? 100 million K?

• 7:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Billion, million, thousand, grand K. I am your pixelated man on the street who is trying to open up a freer Britain because.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Is it your bum or your penis?

• 7:41Speaker 01

  A little from collop. No. This, this week, it was the, it was the turn of the old chap to go through the wringer. And I, because Dave spoke very eloquently, actually, Ellis, because Dave also wants to break down barriers.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  About his vast deference journey, which was severed, hacked.

• 8:08Speaker 00

  And snapped.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  In order to make sure Dave didn't have any more kids. I have had a snip, but I've not had the snip. It's probably the way to put it.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Okay. Yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  Some of our religious friends might have had it done.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Yes, I didn't have it done for religious reasons.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  No, because your religion is Queen.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly.

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  Freddie Mercury was.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  He was quite vague on whether he liked it or not.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, he, he would take, he would happily entertain all styles.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  He may have had a preference, but he never made that public.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  No, no, no. Unless there were chords in his songs with a secret. Is that what tenement funds us about?

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Hmm. I don't think that's what tenement. Well, that wasn't written by Freddie. That was written by Roger.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  Sorry, sorry.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  There's a song called Don't Lose Your Head, but that was also written by Roger and that contains the lyric, don't drink and drive your car, don't get breathalysed.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Good advice. That's very responsible lyricism, actually.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  It is actually, even though it was about a film, the film Highlander, which is about being immortal, but you can only die if you get your head chopped off.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Um, but yeah.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Is it a drink driving in Highlander? I can't remember.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  Oh, I would imagine so.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Uh, but not explicitly. Uh, so yeah, I've been putting it off for quite a few years because how to, how to describe it. There will be a lot of people listening who've had this done.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Probably even more listening who have been putting it off like I did. Um, but let's imagine the scene. You go into your local.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  WH Smith's.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  No, you go into your local, is it Pretty Green?

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. What, the clothes shop?

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Right.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  So you go into your local Pretty Green and they have got the Dream Cagoule.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  Not only have they got the Dream Cagoule, it is on offer because it is going out of stock. It's the ceasing production of this Cagoule.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  I actually know the one I'm imagining, but anyway, that's, that's relevant, yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  It's 40% off, Elis. This, this bit is irrelevant to the metaphor, but I'm just, I'm just putting it in your, in your terms.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  They slipped off 40% of your old.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. No. So you're in Pretty Green. You've found it. This is Valhalla.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  You're a large. The Cagoule is a medium.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  Right.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  You try it on.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  Now, I don't think this analogy works anymore. I think this poses so many questions.

• 10:56Speaker 03

  I'm in. I'm with you. Carry on.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  You try it on. Oh, it's so frustrating. The cuffs are just right. They're just riding up the forearm a bit. If you reach up to get, for example, a jar of sauce, it's going to come up to the elbow. When you lift up your arms, the waist, it shows your belly button. But you have to have this Cagoule and it's 40% off.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Do you risk never having the Cagoule? Or having the Cagoule, but the wrong size is always going to annoy you for the rest of your life. You're never, ever going to forget that this cool Cagoule is slightly too small.

• 11:41Speaker 00

  So you've had the Cagoule on since birth?

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Well, here's, the metaphor doesn't quite stretch. The Cagoule was given to you by Christ.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  And, and you were just measured up wrong for your birth Cagoule.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. You started to grow a bit around the age of 13?

• 12:06Speaker 01

  I don't, I, I can't remember, but it's just all, it's never quite. It's always been a bit too small for your body.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Um, so there comes a time where, and this is where the metaphor gets a little bit more troubling. After you've split your Cagoule a couple of times, I think I need to get a, I need to get this Cagoule seen to.

• 12:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. And it's not the summer, so you don't want to go with the nuclear or take the nuclear option, taking your coat off.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Oh, God, no.

• 12:41Speaker 00

  You just need a bigger coat.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, which ironically happens in the real world by making the coat smaller.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Uh, but in the metaphor, you get a bigger coat.

• 12:53Speaker 03

  Do you? Hold on, I'm confused now.

• 12:58Speaker 03

  You've got, you've got a bigger coat?

• 13:00Speaker 01

  No, well, I've got a, it's a good, it's not a bad riddle. Um, what coat gets bigger when it gets smaller?

• 13:09Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  But only the thing is, oh, God.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  Yeah. Where do we go?

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Where do we go from here?

• 13:20Speaker 03

  Where do we go from here?

• 13:22Speaker 00

  See any good telly?

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would, ironically, I watched a documentary, a murder documentary last night. This is horrible. That guy who was murdered and they chopped off his tongue and his penis and his balls.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Best to look to him.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Awful. They had to look for it in a big bin. Um, so yeah, I, uh, I had a medical circumcision earlier this week.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  Well, I think it's, I think it's very, it doesn't surprise me because I think you're very good at sharing. You're very good at sharing what's on in your life and, and these, you know, the hurdles and challenges that come your way. And I do think, I've got friends that in their early 40s, late 30s, Ellis is, Ellis isn't sure, but I'll continue. I've got good friends that have also had that procedure done later in life. And I think it'd be really nice that on a podcast such as this one, we do talk about this stuff.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  I, I, I agree. I think we should discuss this stuff on air.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Why is he smirking in such beautiful pana vision?

• 14:25Speaker 00

  Because I would love to know, and it's the only thing I can think about. I would love to know what Pretty Green Toprasp made of your analogy.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  But yes, you are, you are excellent at discussing, uh, medical procedures and

• 14:45Speaker 00

  opening a conversation.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Well, I'd rather not have to. I'd rather not have to have the procedures.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  I'd probably rather, I don't mean, I don't care. Like I've told lots of people I know. It's nothing, I mean, there is nothing embarrassing about it, apart from the fact it, it deals with the down belows. But also, I mean, the problem is I would have nothing to talk about because it's literally all that's happened to me this week. Um, because you can't do a great deal, uh, for a few days afterwards. So I've been sort of resting up. And, um, it's been an emotional journey.

• 15:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. As it often is, as it, as it often is. But you're up the other side now emotions wise?

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Um, I don't know. I mean, I, it's sort of, it takes quite a long time for these things to heal up. Uh, my previous experience of an intimate procedure led to an awful lot of pain. So I was very, very prepped for a great deal of pain, which I think due to the, uh, skills of the surgeon have been avoided. I had no pain really, which is amazing.

• 15:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Like zero pain. And I've, I know a lot of people who've had this done as well. And I spoke to all of them. As adults, yeah. So I spoke to them all in quite punishing detail and they all said, yeah, it's, it's quite a lot, but, um, the only thing to worry about is

• 16:14Speaker 01

  when nature takes its course.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  And.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  Yes, this was my question.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  In the night.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  And a friend who I won't, I won't name because, you know, it's intimate stuff. But he did use the phrase crown of thorns quite a few times. Um, so I was, I was prepped and absolutely terrified of that. Because it's nothing you can do about it.

• 16:44Speaker 03

  There's not. There isn't.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  No. There's, there's probably some old wives tale. Like if you'd, if you'd had some nettles or something at 10pm, that's probably gonna prevent that kind of thing from happening. But you don't want to go into the realm of the, of the old wives tale.

• 16:58Speaker 01

  No. So, um, but that for, for whatever reason, I've not experienced pain in that scenario, just sort of discomfort.

• 17:06Speaker 00

  Fantastic. Okay.

• 17:08Speaker 03

  And also join the club because as much as my procedure happened at the age of four, we are in the same club now, John.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  We, well, we shifted the balance and this does need to be reflected on in, um.

• 17:21Speaker 00

  Well, why do you think I've got such a nice camera?

• 17:24Speaker 01

  This needs to be reflected on the, the listings of, um, significant productions now.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  That we are in the majority of the shareholders, Dave.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 17:33Speaker 00

  Yes. We need to change the contracts.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  We do need to change the contracts and unfortunately for you, Ellis, the pay.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Dave and I are streamlining.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  In all seriousness, it'll, it'll take. It'll, it'll probably take a while getting used to optics wise, won't it, John? Because how, how old are you? You're 43.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  Forty-four.

• 17:58Speaker 03

  Forty-four. You know, that's a long time having, having something, a part of your body that looks a certain way. So it will be quite interesting. Is it a little startling still as you, as you glance down or is it, is it all right?

• 18:09Speaker 01

  It's a bit like when they brought out the new design Kia Sportage.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  Obviously your first reaction is, is shock and disgust.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Betrayal.

• 18:22Speaker 00

  Why have I got a Sportage in my pants?

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, however, over time you think those designers know what they're doing.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  They do and they did.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Baby is streamlined. This is a Sportage fit for 2026.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  Um, it's electric or certainly hybrid. Um, so you can plug it in if you've got access to a charging port at home.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  The Bluetooth is more reliable.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  Yes, they've, they've not sacrificed boot space. And, um.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  And the lights look nice.

• 18:59Speaker 01

  Can't think of any more metaphors. It's more, it, it, it, um, uh, well, it's now got a sunroof.

• 19:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  Good. So which have gone slightly out of fashion. The sunroof has gone out of fashion, hasn't it?

• 19:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's because of the improvement in aircon. But that's just cars. That's not penises.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  But it is, yeah, it is odd to, um, to, I mean, it's all, it's all odd. The whole thing is odd, but, uh, needed doing. Now it's done. And, um, you know, any tips, Dave?

• 19:36Speaker 00

  Yeah. We go again. We go to Norwich more of the same.

• 19:40Speaker 01

  I hope more of the same. We don't want it done again.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  We do not let this slip.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  I can't, I've got no tips because like I say, I was, I was.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  I can't believe you've got the bell in your study.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Sounds like I love what.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Thinking, yeah.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  It's been a game day.

• 20:01Speaker 03

  They didn't snip away his sense of humour, did they?

• 20:06Speaker 03

  He's kept that fully intact. It's lovely to see. Um, no, no advice. Just are you, are you going to be all right to dance with Dave in nine days' time? Is that okay?

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Shangri-La. Um, there's a few things in the diary. I mean, I spoke to someone who said, look, well, I suppose it's two extremes. I spoke to somebody who said, they're going to tell you it's 24 to 48 hours before you're up and about. Take a week off. And I spoke to someone else who said his only regret was playing cricket the next day.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  So I've gone somewhere in between those two schools of thought. So I've taken like four days off. And I am dancing with Dave nine days after.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  Get it.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  However, long it is. But it is like.

• 20:52Speaker 03

  You can wear a cricket box.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:54Speaker 03

  I don't think I'm going to be throwing anything at you ideally.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  It's, uh, I tell you what.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  We should bring you on in a wheelchair like Kurt Cobain at Reading in 1991.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  No, it should be okay by then. The one thing I really, really didn't like was the, having a general anaesthetic. I've not had a general anaesthetic since I was 22. And I kind of thought like, um, because you can do it local. But both people who I'd, who I'd known had it local said, do not have local. It's just, one of them said, just have the general because it's, anyway. I didn't like coming, coming around from it because it was like being drunk and I found that very disturbing. I thought.

• 21:38Speaker 00

  Of course, yeah.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Like part of me thought, hey, it's kind of like a bit of a free swing and you get to be out of your head for a couple of hours. But then while I was actually in it, I was like, oh, this is awful. And I asked the nurse if I'd said anything racist. First thing I'd said.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Cause you say, apparently you say weird stuff. You come around and I said, I haven't said anything racist, have I? Literally the first thing I said. What an odd concern to have.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  I've not had general anaesthetics since I was 13. I had lots of teeth out at Morrison Hospital in Swansea because I had far too many teeth in my mouth. But they gave me a relaxing pill before I had the general anaesthetic. And I remember that being feeling like I was drunk. But I don't really remember the general anaesthetic very much in that I don't think, I remember a lovely nurse stroking my hair at the end. But I wasn't seeing anything daft.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I would say anyone, because I do know, I know people who need this done, who've put it off, who are just not having it.

• 22:41Speaker 03

  Name names.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  Get it done. It's like, it's worrying and you do worry and it feel, you feel very, very vulnerable. And you do feel like quite scared, but.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  You know, this is, I mean, this is sort of as standard practice in, in America.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  But I think at a younger age, I also know people who feel very strongly against it for religious reasons. Um, but this was just a, this was nothing to do with that. This was just to

• 23:18Speaker 01

  protect oneself from injury.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Why was you caught 40% off in the analogy?

• 23:25Speaker 01

  That was just me. Uh, I don't know. I just added that.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Okay. It's just you love bargains so much. You introduce them to your analogies.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  But that's the situation I've been in, in a clothing scenario quite a lot where the one thing you want, there's, it's just everything's perfect apart from the size.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  And you're like, if I don't buy the wrong size, I'm not going to have the thing I want. But then the thing I want will but forever be wrong.

• 24:03Speaker 04

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• 24:51Speaker 03

  Before we move on, or as we move on, are we able to move on? Are you happy with that, John? Is that all good?

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  We have had an update from Ellis's drunken night out from last Thursday. There's been, there's been.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Before we move on? What's that got to do with my?

• 25:08Speaker 03

  No, it's not. No, I didn't mean before. I meant can we, actually it was my way of saying, are we all good? Are we, are we all kind of happy?

• 25:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:14Speaker 03

  It's got nothing to do with that. But someone has.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  We could do a rapid response unit from, from people who have questions about it because they're thinking of getting it done.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay. So there has been, there has been an update and.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  No, I don't like this.

• 25:29Speaker 03

  A contribution. No, you're fine.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  I like this. As long as I get to meet Johnny Marr again, I'm happy that I'm in my house. So Johnny Marr would have to be downstairs, ready to come in.

• 25:38Speaker 03

  There's been an unsolicited contribution to, um, to last Thursday's shenanigans from one of the people you were out with. So someone who you were enjoying your revelries with. And I wonder actually whether we should have a little guessing game as to who you think has proactively decided to, to bring content.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Hundred percent high vote.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  What do you reckon, Ellis?

• 25:58Speaker 00

  No, I think it's a hundred percent Ed Gamble.

• 26:01Speaker 03

  Oh, interesting.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  Ed often texts me about the podcast very soon after it's released. So I think he would have got in there quick. And I know for a fact that Ivo is slightly behind. I don't think it's Lloyd Langford because I don't think Lloyd knows I do a podcast.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  And I don't think it was 4D either. I reckon my money's on Ed.

• 26:24Speaker 03

  Yeah. So to recap, no, no, you're all right. To recap, Ellis came in on last Friday's record. We're recording this now on a, the following Wednesday. Um, a little bit worse for wear due to some good friends that you had had a few pints with the night before. With, with, with people turning up at various points during the evening as well, right?

• 26:42Speaker 00

  This isn't an audience, it's like, this is not just some random stranger in the pub. I didn't say something awful to someone in the toilet or anything.

• 26:48Speaker 03

  No, I mean, John's got it bang on. Ivo, Ivo was on board. Ivo, Ivo was on board with the content train that is Ellis and John and has, um, contributed, um, it is lengthy, but it's.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  It's also really funny. So basically we have, we have a blow by blow account of Ivo Graham's evening. That then obviously dovetails with your evening at a certain point as well. Okay. So we sent a couple of things over from voice note because he is up to date and he messaged me yesterday saying, I would like to offer my take on, on how the evening panned out.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  Two things I can guarantee about this message. One, it will make me laugh. Two, it will stress me out.

• 27:28Speaker 03

  I will, I will. The amount this man crams into a day. Anyway, the.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, it's, it's colossal. It is. Yeah.

• 27:38Speaker 03

  Um, but I also find the precursor that he sent very funny. So can we just enjoy what he sent to me first before he then asked me to listen to the voice note? So here, here's the notes that I got from Ivo yesterday afternoon.

• 27:50Speaker 06

  Dave, this is a voice note, but it is not the voice note. This is just the instruction voice note. The voice note, yes, it's 11 minutes long, but I mean, my goodness, the audio quality is brilliant and the linguistic flair is even brillianter. Yes, it could be inserted into the podcast in isolation, but yes, my real dream is for you to play it, Ellis and John, live on the show. Yes, I've even left the odd presumptuous pause for laughter and no, it can't be edited down. John in particular will make some sarky comment about its length as if he doesn't regularly do 10 minutes plus about t-shirts or wordle tactics. If you'd be so kind, I would like you to give the voice note the best possible start by saying something like, this is Ivo's response to last week's podcast.

• 28:35Speaker 06

  It's 11 minutes long, but it's absolutely worth it.

• 28:38Speaker 03

  So there we go. There's the, there's the production notes. He's, he's good. He's.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  I'd like to flag the phrase, the linguistic flair is even brillianter.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  I think that's a joke though.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  I'm not sure. It might be. He's clever enough for it to be a joke.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  I think he's clever enough for that to be a joke. I like it.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Yeah. Okay. So it was last Thursday, wasn't it, Ellis? You went for some pints. Ivo did join at points. We've broken this up a bit.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Can I just say?

• 29:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  I very, very rarely drink anymore.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  I just happen to have two nights out in a week and I've had probably seven nights out this year. It's just two of them came within seven days. So I don't want anyone to think that I'm neglecting my family or parental duties by going on the razz all the time. Good. So I just needed to get that up there.

• 29:23Speaker 03

  I don't think anyone thought that. Everyone knows you are very responsible in that respect.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  Shall we get into Ivo's big Thursday?

• 29:31Speaker 00

  Yes, please.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  Okay, here we go.

• 29:33Speaker 06

  My name's Ivo Graham and welcome to Chasing the Nightcap. A lengthy but narrative-rich voice note for the Elis, James and John Robbins podcast main feed concerning a broadly flattering but narratively suspect name check in episode 580, Seething Resentment. That episode featured Ellis bemoaning his hangover from the previous night's ribald reunion with Matt Ford, Ed Gamble, Lloyd Langford and me, and lamenting that he'd be feeling absolutely fine if I, Ivo Graham, hadn't turned up at 11 and persuaded him to go to another pub. Now, is that true? And indeed, you may ask, why did I only turn up at 11?

• 30:16Speaker 06

  Answer: because that's the earliest I could get there, because I wanted to get in a pint with the lads as the final cherry on the cake of what I would call a medium-strength mega day. An MSMD, in which I'd got up, done a one-hour work Zoom call, gone to Tooting to have lunch with my friends Alex and Mari and sing a national song to their baby, gone back into town for a meeting at Netflix, clang, had a work-adjacent non-alcoholic schooner in the Bloomsbury sunshine, hidden in a public toilet for a long phone call with my parents about recent emotional issues, gone to a fancy hotel to meet my aunt for a club sandwich, watched Joseph Morepergo's insanely funny Highlander 70 at the Soho Theatre, done a

• 30:57Speaker 06

  20-minute set about Lime Bikes and Dutch festivals at Always Be Comedy Chelsea, done a 20-minute set about Lime Bikes and Nigerian footballers at Always Be Comedy Kennington, and had a 20-minute debrief with Tim Lewis after the Kennington gig. It was now 10:45pm. Lloyd, Fordy, Ed and Ellis were all still at large in Clerkenwell. I had my lime helmet with me. Might their last orders be my first?

• 31:26Speaker 00

  That's a big old day, isn't it?

• 31:30Speaker 00

  Well, I've done the Chelsea-Kennington double up, it is possible.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  You know, but he's packed an awful lot in already.

• 31:37Speaker 03

  Was there a film in there halfway through the day? Did he watch a film in the afternoon?

• 31:41Speaker 00

  You went to watch Joseph Morepergo's show at the Soho Theatre.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  Oh, right, okay. Well, still lengthy.

• 31:48Speaker 00

  But yeah, it's a big old day. It's the club sandwich with his auntie, I like.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  At this point in the... Were this a voice note sent to me, Dave? I would be strapping in, I'd be setting time aside, but I would be hitting one and a half speed.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  Is that possible for us to do?

• 32:06Speaker 00

  I've never listened to a voice note, or a podcast, or a film, or anything at one and a half speed in my life.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Are you mad? No, I don't. I don't do it.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  Never, ever, ever.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  Oh, always.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Occasionally, I'll press it by mistake and then I'll immediately reset to one.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Everything by default is 1.1.

• 32:26Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Because that you can't even tell. Then Rest Is Politics 1.5, maybe 1.75 if they're talking about Brazil.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  The only one I actually listen to at regular speed is probably ours.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Because I can tell when it's sped up, when it's ours.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  Wow, no, I just...

• 32:52Speaker 01

  It makes you realise how you really don't need... People do speak very slowly.

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Oh, I get nuance from the gaps.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:00Speaker 00

  I've got so much nuance from the gaps. I mean, I've always said that, yeah. Okay, fine.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  Shall we enjoy a few more nuance in the gaps with Ivo Graham?

• 33:10Speaker 01

  Sure thing.

• 33:11Speaker 03

  Here we go back in.

• 33:12Speaker 06

  Ed Gamble had texted to say it was winding down, so it was he who needed to be sent to the first emotionally manipulative DM of my evening. "See you soon," I messaged, a first draft three-syllable act of manifestation that was battered away with a barely long reply. "I'll be gone," they just rang the bell. Ed's miserable attitude, and lack of specificity about which bell, earned him another four texts from me, all sent from a lay-by, stationary on my lime with my minutes ticking down. "Don't worry, John, I'm on the most cost-effective monthly plan." Come on, Ed, go for a long wee and I'll basically be there. Wouldn't it be fun to overlap?

• 33:55Speaker 06

  Wouldn't the photos of all five of us together at the end of the night mean a lot to the friends on our text group who hadn't been able to join us? Because they were hibernating away from aggressively dissected primetime TV gigs? Or because they'd given up alcohol? Or both? Sadly, my pleas fell on deaf diabetic ears. Gamble was off. He needed to be up early to ask Amol Rajan what it was like to be shut in a coffin in a visualised podcast format that I haven't appeared on for nearly three years. I'm not expecting to do this current series, by the way. I'd like to do Civilian Uncloaked in January and then be an actual Celebrity Traitors contestant next year. Make it happen, Ed, you sickeningly professional pint-dodging hunk.

• 34:40Speaker 06

  Anyway, the failure of the Gamble-Gamble meant I needed to secure the nightcap by other means. Would Ford, James and Langford be following the traitor's lead? Would anywhere even be serving at 11? London's nightlife is on its knees.

• 34:57Speaker 03

  Okay, there's another cliffhanger there.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  I've not seen Ivo in person for a couple of months, so I really did want to see him. But the pub was closing. And once Ed had pulled the trigger and said, "Right, I've got to double that Traitors Uncloaked tomorrow," I did think it was winding down. Then Fordy realised that there was a pub down the road that was open until 1. So then as soon as that was offered, I was like, "Oh, come on, then, I will stay. It'd be nice to see him."

• 35:23Speaker 03

  It's a good attitude.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Is that how Ivo remembers it?

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Well, it's a good attitude to socialising from Ivo, because I think if it's gone past 11 and I'm trying to join a group of mates who are already very warm and very well-greased, I think I would just feel I was so out of the loop at that point, I would just go home.

• 35:42Speaker 00

  But you've got the Langford effect.

• 35:46Speaker 03

  Right, yeah.

• 35:47Speaker 00

  None of us had seen Lloyd for so long, because he lives in Australia now. So obviously Ivo wants to see Lloyd as well. And also, Ivo likes to chase a good time.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  He's got to keep going, otherwise it calls in public toilets to your parents and we've all been there.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's like a shark, got to keep moving.

• 36:04Speaker 01

  Got to keep moving.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:06Speaker 03

  Okay, well, let's get the next update from Ivo.

• 36:09Speaker 06

  I messaged Ellis, a man famously glued to his phone and surely more malleable to my demands. "We've been texting loads recently about rodders. We still need to coordinate our April 2027 Dad Daughter O2 Arena plans. Let's do it in person." Ellis replies to say that the Wilmington is closing, but he thinks they might head round the corner to the Betsy Trotwood. Huge if true. I jump onto the bike, stopping only to send Ellis an arguably overdramatic final text. "Do what is right." Three boroughs and 15 minutes later, I get to the Betsy, and at first, I fear the worst. The pub is open, but my Welsh majority triad are nowhere to be seen. Have I beaten them there? After the day I've had?

• 36:55Speaker 06

  That is exactly what's happened. Suddenly, though, the boys appear, and it becomes very quickly clear that they've all had five pints, two margaritas and an extremely heavy meal. Fordy keeps telling me how good my Swindon shirt smells, but his blessings are biased by Budweiser and bone cancer. Ellis is able to give an impromptu potted history of the Swansea Orange awake kit, but he does slur his words a bit while doing so. Lloyd isn't really into football, but he chips in cheerily enough, and his Puttall but accent is deeper and tricklier and friendlier than I've ever known it. Australia has not changed him. What a night. The first round is on me, and it's four pints between four. I didn't expect there to be a second round, but suddenly it's midnight and the Betsy

• 37:39Speaker 06

  Trotwood still hasn't closed, giving a lovely extended sesh to its Thursday clientele of battered teenagers getting off with each other and battered political impressionists asking their friends if they wash their football shirts with more than one biopod. And I do. It's the Sherwood Shirt Sniffer who secures the second round, but this time it's three pints between four. Ellis is going to stay, he's got at least two more semi-relevant anecdotes about Dusty Springfield and the Vetch, but he'll be on the water for those. And you know what? Fair play. This Guinness is my second drink of the day, and it would be his eighth. We do half an hour more at the Betsy Trotwood, Fordy speaking genuinely movingly about

• 38:21Speaker 06

  his colostomy bag, before turning to Lloyd, one of his oldest friends in comedy, and asking, in a heartbreakingly childlike plea, "Do you think he'll ever come home?" Lloyd's plans are not mine to disclose, but in the short term, he may not be coming home, but he is going home. It's lights up at the Betsy. Nothing lasts forever.

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Paints quite the image, doesn't he?

• 38:44Speaker 00

  He does. It was lovely to see everyone and it made me think that I should go out more, actually, because I really, I got a real buzz from seeing those boys and I don't see them enough. I speak to them a lot, but I don't see them in person enough. I am glad I stayed. I did have a water for my final drink, not that it helped me very much because I fell asleep on the sofa and then woke up and then couldn't get back to sleep, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I was very tired. It's the combination of the tiredness and the hangover that that's what, that's what did me in, I'm afraid, on the radio show.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  We should point out that a Lime Bike is a publicly rentable bicycle that you get in London.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, they've got a version in Manchester, Dave.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  I think so, yeah. I think it is further afield now. I think they've rolled it out. So I think there is a Manchester Lime Bike.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  They've got a Cardiff version. I can't remember what it's called, but there are bikes you can hire, Lime Bike style in Cardiff, but I can't remember what they're called.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. Okay. Um, I think there's one more, unbelievably.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  It's great, okay.

• 39:51Speaker 06

  Time to hug the lads, get a final photo for the dry drinkers and the dancers, and then pop my helmet on, smash through Lime's ludicrously easy late night hazard perception test and green menace my way home. It was a pleasure to have secured the nightcap with that majestic three quarters of the original group. It really did cap off the day. Many thanks to the Betsy Trotwood for their late night licence and to Ellis for sending me the text that made me take the leap. Contrary to his recounting of the story on last week's podcast, I don't think the one pint at the Betsy could really have been the difference between Ellis being fine in the morning and not. I'm not saying he's lying, like he must have been lying about Lloyd Griffith having the best calves in comedy because he's literally told me on more than one occasion that I've got the best calves in comedy. Calf off on

• 40:34Speaker 06

  the Cara? Anyway, in conclusion, hangover wise, Ellis's damage had clearly already been done by the time I'd even arrived on the scene, whereas I only had two pints. So I was right as rain in the morning, fresh as a daisy to oversee the year three long jump at my daughter's sports day and then head into town for my friend's Pride and Prejudice themed wedding. This story has obviously taken far too long to tell, but Dave did say a voice note would be great and isn't a typed up and professionally recorded audacity file the same as a voice note? And isn't every detail absolutely necessary? And isn't it a travesty that I also haven't been on this show for nearly three years either? What's the matter, significant productions? Too challenging for you? Over and out. Thanks

• 41:16Speaker 06

  for having me. Stay cool. Stay orange. Stay significant. Chase the nightcap wherever possible, demons permitting, and stand up to racism, stand up to injustice, swind in town forever. Back to you boys in the studio.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  And there we have it. Was the jazz music your choice, Dave?

• 41:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, we've added the jazz. Yeah.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  You added the jazz. Also, I really have got to say this. Following the permanent withdrawal of the old Next Bike scheme in Cardiff due to theft and vandalism issues, Cardiff Council have advanced plans for a brand new all-electric bike hire scheme, so they haven't been available since January 2024.

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Okay, good. There are no Lime Bikes in Manchester either.

• 41:54Speaker 00

  Are there not? You can't hire those on street bikes in Manchester at all?

• 42:01Speaker 03

  They don't operate, no. There might be some other versions, but yeah, sorry.

• 42:05Speaker 00

  There's the Next Bike in Cardiff, which I was a member of that scheme, but obviously they must have been getting checked in the taff or something.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  I mean, I will have researched this for when he inevitably takes his Lime Bike show on tour.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  What do other bits of London?

• 42:26Speaker 07

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• 44:00Speaker 01

  Right, let's read through some of your correspondence. You can email us on any topic, [email protected]. Ellis, what's tickled you fancy?

• 44:09Speaker 00

  I must admit, I agree with this email. I've, you know, I wanted to say this at the time, but everyone else was, they were so strident in their views, I decided to opt out of defending it. Just a quick one from Cole. Wheel is one syllable. It's a homophone of wheel when you made it. Two syllables by saying wheel. You said it in a way that nobody uses in speech. The vowel in the middle of wheel slash wheel does have two sounds in it, but that's just because it's a glide slash dip thong. Beer, for example, in my mild Scottish accent at least, also is a dip thong in the middle of it, but it's also obviously one syllable. Surely you wouldn't say it's two syllables? Beer. That's all. Cole. Cole, I don't know what John thinks, but I must admit I agree.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  But no, I think, I think Cole's right, but it is, you can, it's a word you can sort of make feel like it's got two syllables.

• 45:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  But is that the wheel as in the rounded wheel or we will? Because the argument was...

• 45:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, we will.

• 45:06Speaker 03

  Oh, really? Okay.

• 45:07Speaker 00

  Wheel, which is, I would say is one syllable with, in my accent, you know, we'll go over there. Wheel.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Cole has slightly undermined himself by describing wheel as a homophobe of wheel.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Yes, that's a typo which I changed because, but you know, that's fair enough. You know, N is right next to B on the keyboard, so I'll give him that.

• 45:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  But it's an interesting topic because in cryptic crosswords, you sometimes get homophones. So it will say broadcast and/or out loud or overheard, which means that it's a homophone of that word, but it's only if you speak it in the same accent as the setter is intending.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  And this came up a couple of days ago in a crossword I was doing because I pronounce the word differently.

• 45:56Speaker 00

  Out of curiosity, do you think that those crossword setters are assuming the people trying to solve the crossword are speaking in RP?

• 46:07Speaker 01

  I don't think so. Let me, um, let me actually find the example because it's quite, it will elucidate. Sorry, this will take me a couple of seconds.

• 46:18Speaker 00

  Okay. Well, I'm going to read this as well. Hello lovely boys. And again, I've got to say to Al, I agree with you and I apologize. That's where I'm reading of this email. I love your podcast.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  Is this the one about you looking like Ryan Gosling?

• 46:31Speaker 00

  Uh, no, absolutely not, because that's not true. I love your podcasts and greatly liken and admire you all as individuals, but oh dear, I usually just sigh at Ellis's not infrequent chirps about Cardiff City, but not coming up with anything to recommend his capital city for our American guests is just too much to bear. And John suggested get out ASAP. That was dismal stuff. Is it the network of Victorian arcades throughout the city that will look even better in December that so offend? Is it the blooming great castle plonked in the city centre with both Norman and Roman remains that causes such indifference? The castle is good. I've got, I've got, I've got a hand in that. Is it the magnificent Millennium Centre hosting amazing shows from around the world that so disappoints? Is Cardiff Bay where this ace auditorium resides the source of such

• 47:16Speaker 00

  contempt? Does the lively indie scene make you so down on Cardiff with the evergreen and ever marvellous club of Verbach at its beating heart? I know nothing about guests, but they may enjoy a rugby game. The Principality are not judder with the cultural cringe of daffodil hats and terrible jeans drenched in Madry like I do. Is it the lovely old new theatre that makes you so jaded? I saw a brilliant and moving show by a well-known comedian and newly crowned doctor there a couple of years ago. Does the historic and beautiful National Museum of Wales not warrant to mention and rivals in fagots? In fairness, the art collection at the National Museum of Wales in Cardiff is excellent and my friend Roger works there. Got to put that out there. Are the beautiful and huge parks that accompany the taffer of the city just too boring to mention? They might be complete Christmas

• 47:58Speaker 00

  monkeys, so the extensive Christmas market and ice skating palaver will be in full swing by then too. But hey, yeah, weed smokers in shopping centres, right? Yes, we do have those too, so knock yourselves out, Diolch, Al. He's right, I do like Roth Park, I do like Big Park, my kids especially love Victoria Park. So, sorry to the people of Cardiff, I let you down there. I lived in Cardiff for 11 years. I need, I needed to be better. But yet again, John is so strident with his anti Cardiff views, I whipped it under the pressure.

• 48:29Speaker 01

  I'm not anti Cardiff. I just don't know. I've spent a lot of time there and haven't seen perhaps the best it has to offer.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  Some, yeah, there's some, I mean, I'm not going to mention them. You can Google them just because I'm not sure if it's allowed for me to mention. Nice restaurants, but there's good places to eat in Cardiff. So for our American friends, enjoy.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  And let us know what you did. Maybe you will find stuff for other people to enjoy in Cardiff.

• 48:55Speaker 00

  Have you got that crossword answer?

• 48:57Speaker 01

  Uh, I have, but it's, I'm confused. I can find homophones quite confusing sometimes. The clue was chair perplexed by speaker for six letters and the solution is throne, T H R O N E. But if you pronounced a throne thurn, like if you came from Hull.

• 49:20Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  But then you would probably also...

• 49:25Speaker 01

  Pronounced throne as in being, you would pronounce the homophone the same as well, you'd say, that's throne me.

• 49:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's throne me and the king's sitting on his throne.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. So maybe what I'm looking for is an example of a homophone where someone with an accent would pronounce one of them one way and one of them the other. And I can't think of one.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  Yes, they do exist. They're quite accent dependent, but they do exist, those homophones. I just can't think of an example off the top of my head.

• 49:54Speaker 01

  Maybe you can email one in if you have an accent.

• 49:56Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 49:57Speaker 01

  Okay, ring fence news time. Dave, what have you got for us?

• 50:02Speaker 03

  Quick ring fence in and out. Congratulations to Michael Roberts, who won the two tickets to come to Dancing with Dave on the 17th of October, because we put up a little competition on Patreon. So we've added Michael plus one, obviously, to the guest list of Dancing with Dave. And another update on Dancing with Dave is that Stevie Martin is also now joined the line up.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  Oh, great. Stevie's done it before?

• 50:30Speaker 03

  On the platters that matter, on the ones and twos, on the wheels of steel. No, she's not, but she's very excited.

• 50:36Speaker 00

  I reckon Stevie Martin's got a great pop instinct, a bit like Amy Gladhill. She's played some absolute hammers in Manchester. It was great.

• 50:45Speaker 01

  So what's the running order, Dave?

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Do you want the running order?

• 50:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  Okay. John's problematic walking music from three till three forty five.

• 50:53Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  Dave Masterman from three forty five till four fifteen, just to, you know, switch up the pace a touch. Then Stevie Martin for forty five minutes up until five PM. Then the headliners, it's Oasis at Nebworth. It's Ellis and John from five till six fifteen.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  So John's doing a second set.

• 51:14Speaker 03

  John's well, so John's doing a second set. I was going to say, when I come on after you two, you could hang around with me for a bit if you wanted, just so that it evens out. Or you could just leave when John leaves. I don't really mind.

• 51:23Speaker 00

  It's just the point I'm trying to make is, I don't know how many gears John has got.

• 51:28Speaker 01

  I've got, I've got one gear.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:30Speaker 03

  No, you're not.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  You're putting the car back into first gear and hour, an hour after it's been in fifth gear for a while.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Just rolling it down the hill into the library.

• 51:40Speaker 03

  Bump starting it.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:42Speaker 03

  No, I've heard John's, he's got gears.

• 51:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:46Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  I mean, he's even admitted himself that he doesn't have gears, Dave. So are you deluded? What's happening here?

• 51:52Speaker 01

  I've got one gear and it's in sixteen, seven.

• 51:56Speaker 03

  No, play sexual, naked, play Natasha Beddingfield, everyone will be happy. So you and Ellis will do a headline set from five and then I'll jump back on at the end. And of course, this is going to be our next adventures episode as well, which we were planning earlier. And there's lots of fun surprises on the way, including, which I think we can mention, an appearance from George Egg, who's going to bring a snack hack to Brighton Dome.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Great.

• 52:20Speaker 01

  Yes, I can't wait to see George, dear George.

• 52:24Speaker 03

  Yeah. So Dancing with Dave is on the 17th of October. Congratulations to Michael Roberts. And it'll be our next adventures app out at the beginning of November.

• 52:34Speaker 00

  Lovely stuff. Looking forward to that.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  Fantastic. And I, I watched our escape room episode and it is, there's lots of laughs in there.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  There's very funny, yeah.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  Very fun, eh?

• 52:47Speaker 01

  We had this email from Chris. Chris says, my three musketeers of content, I feel compelled to write to thank you. I finally found your podcast early last year. And as I drive many miles and don't own a TV, I achieve retro wanna status within 12 months.

• 53:06Speaker 00

  Is he 1.5ing it?

• 53:08Speaker 03

  Good cue.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  He goes on, it helps that I listen at two times speed.

• 53:13Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  Although I cannot hear you now at normal speed without you sounding like drunkards trying to pass as sober.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  But he's missing so much nuance.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  He's missing a lot of nuance in the pauses. Probably a lot of nose blows sound strange to him.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  Is, yeah. He's missing, he's missing.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  Like he gets the Doppler effect.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  He's missing nuance and he's missing comic timing, beats for comic timing.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  But he's getting audio content healing because Chris goes on, I've been battling the black dog since my early teenage years. And these last few months have been particularly hard. Stressing work coupled with a divorce meant that I was unable to regulate my natural fluctuations in the same way. It's hard to describe the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, but your podcast was one of the few things that brought a smile to my face. Last week I was signed off work and I suppose 30 years ago, they would have called it a midlife crisis. But wanting to make the most of the opportunity afforded to me, I hit the road. I have an air mattress, sleeping bag and a small portable stove. And I'm currently lying in my car near a waterfall around 70 miles from John O'Groats, having spent the

• 54:20Speaker 01

  last four days, four days visiting Hadrian's Wall, Mull, Sky and Loch Ness.

• 54:24Speaker 00

  But it's in his bare feet.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  I've even been wild swimming.

• 54:28Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  Today I ended up stuck in a ditch and had to get a bigger boy to come rescue me. I wake each morning with the sun, look at my map and drive where the fancy takes me. If I see an attraction I like the look of, I follow the signs. I'm currently working my way around the North Coast 500. Oh, what a dream for me. My journey reminds me of John's Irish adventure, adventure. Hope not. It has given me time for thought introspection and I'm already feeling in a better place. Look forward to your podcasts. They've been a beacon in the darkness. I hope to be able to catch a show next time you're near me with love, Chris. Well, Chris, thank you so much for your email. And I'm very glad we've provided you company on your incredible journey. I would love to do that.

• 55:13Speaker 00

  That does sound like a nice way to, to attempt to unwind and unload.

• 55:19Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  Just going, following your nose. Also, just, just jettisoning unneeded possessions and sort of relieving yourself of the burden of having too much stuff, just a campervan and a mattress and a little stove and waking up with the sun. This sounds like a very natural way to live. But one question I've got for the 1.5ers and for the two, and for the times twoers, if something makes you, particularly makes you laugh, do you then go back and listen to it at normal speed for the nuance?

• 55:54Speaker 01

  That's a good cue. I don't think I do in the podcasts I listen to. I do sometimes will revisit a whole section if I feel I've missed something.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  Like on, or often I'll, I'll, I'll look for the funny bit on a video if they do video podcasts as well. But no, I tend to just happily bumble along at 1.2.

• 56:19Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  It just saves you an extra 10 minutes an app.

• 56:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  To carry on with your staring, or whatever it is you're doing.

• 56:28Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 56:31Speaker 03

  Should we wrap with a rapid response unit?

• 56:33Speaker 00

  Yes, I think we should do a rapid response unit. Last week, in an attempt to emulate John's ability to spark the Nish's conversation, I proposed three questions for the rapid response unit. Have you ever been impressed by a treehouse? Should adults soon like Disney go to jail? And is death really the end? We thought that the first one was the most appropriate, sort of find out if you've ever been impressed by a treehouse, we're firing up the rapid response unit.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  Stewie in Corby? Yes.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  Lizzie in Liverpool? Yes and no.

• 57:12Speaker 03

  What does that mean?

• 57:14Speaker 00

  Adam in London? Commercially, yes. Residentially, no. That is absolutely 100% my, my sort of opinion on this. Sarah in Utah? No. Okay. Lucy in Newcastle? Yes. Sam in Hastings?

• 57:33Speaker 02

  Nah.

• 57:36Speaker 00

  Danny in Brentford?

• 57:38Speaker 02

  Not really, to be honest.

• 57:41Speaker 00

  Okay. And Joel in Texas? I have never been impressed by a treehouse, but I would like to be. Okay, fine. Well, we did an Instagram poll on it and 65% responded yes. Time of recording, we had 1604 volts. That was this week's rapid response unit.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  Good stuff. It's the water cooler moment you'd hoped for.

• 58:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's the yes and no I liked. I'm assuming.

• 58:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, did that work for you?

• 58:09Speaker 00

  I think the yes and no, it must have been a residential one, which was rubbish, and then a commercial one, which was actually quite good. The commercial ones that are made by people who know what they're doing, absolutely. But the sort of, the old bit of, you know, the old bit of plywood that's just nailed to a tree branch, absolutely rubbish in my experience.

• 58:30Speaker 03

  Great.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  So what's going to be, what's our next rapid response, Dave?

• 58:34Speaker 03

  Wasn't it you asking?

• 58:34Speaker 00

  Is death really the end?

• 58:37Speaker 03

  I think it was you asking for advice on circumcisions, wasn't it?

• 58:40Speaker 01

  Okay. So it's, you know, it's broad spectrum.

• 58:46Speaker 03

  It could be interesting. It could be informative, actually, John.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  Be informative. I'm not, I need to stress this. And I've had to stress this more often in my life than I ever thought. I'm not a qualified doctor or a financial advisor or, or accountant.

• 59:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, you'd love to be.

• 59:02Speaker 01

  A lot of people using me as two of those three things.

• 59:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:06Speaker 03

  Well, you're, you've got a good authority with how you offer your opinions, John.

• 59:10Speaker 01

  And, and that's what you need to be suspicious of.

• 59:15Speaker 01

  Because it sounds like it's true.

• 59:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is.

• 59:20Speaker 00

  My God, always Google or ask someone who has got the qualifications.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  Well, I've got a question because they're wrapping in pensions into inheritance tax from next year. And my question is.

• 59:35Speaker 03

  Who's this question for?

• 59:37Speaker 01

  My financial advisor. So if you give 10% of your estate to charity, you reduce inheritance tax for your beneficiaries. So it kind of evens out. So it's basically a nice, encouraging way to give money to charity. However, with a pension, your pension, it doesn't necessarily go in your will. With your pension, you have a expression of wishes of how you want your pension to be distributed after your death. But what if you haven't put a charity as a beneficiary of your pension? And then when it gets put as part of your estate, it brings the 10% below 10%. That might potentially catch people out. So that's something I'm going to ask my financial advisor.

• 1:00:22Speaker 03

  Good, good stuff. I would quite like to.

• 1:00:25Speaker 00

  Best of luck, John.

• 1:00:26Speaker 03

  Once you get your, once you get your answer, can you let me know what the answer is, please?

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  I will let you know what the answer is.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  Could you pre-see the answer?

• 1:00:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, I will. But you should, if you have a pension, Martin Lewis was doing a video on this, make sure you have filled out the expressions of, what was it, James Shack? It was one of my go to YouTube financial channels I watch.

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  What my money, my, my express wishes that my money is sort of just thrown to the winds.

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  Well, if you don't, it goes.

• 1:00:56Speaker 00

  Put in cash and then.

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  Because the thing is, often people set up a pension, say in their 30s and 40s, they might say, I'll leave it to my partner.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:04Speaker 01

  Well, when you're 60 and your partner left you 10 years ago, you may not have thought, oh, I need to, you might have thought, I need to update my will, but you might not have thought, I need to update my pension expression of wishes.

• 1:01:14Speaker 00

  Change. And because I was storing last night, I think Izzy might leave me. So this is something that, you know, I'm going to have to look at myself.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  Great. That's all, actually, as it goes.

• 1:01:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, thank you very much for downloading this episode. We'll be back tomorrow with the Bureau of Change of the Mind and then of course, on Tuesday. But thank you as ever for your company. Goodbye.

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  Bye bye.

• 1:01:45Speaker 05

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• 1:02:18Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:02:24Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.